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: [on a stakeout in the new police truck and a man approaching the undercover cop
] Right over there. He's up to no good. Come on baby do your dirty deed. Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: I can't hear anything. Hit that button over there that controls the sound. Stuart Bondek
: I'm pretty sure that's the intercom. Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: [Mayor hit button and is now broadcasting on the intercom for everyone to hear
] I think I know what an intercom looks like. Stuart Bondek
: Hey, your the Mayor. Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: [still broadcasting
] See that guy. He's about to buy some drugs. But what he doesn't know is the other guy is a cop.
: The dry cleaner said he can clean the coat, no problem. Mike Flaherty
: I love Mr. Kim. Stacey Paterno
: Yeah, but he was lying. Nikki Faber
: Wait, how can you possibly know that ? Stacey Paterno
: Oh, I can tell when people are lying. It's a gift. James Hobert
: You know, I have a friend who can do the same thing. Stacey Paterno
: No, you don't. James Hobert
: Ok. it's a friend of a friend. Mike Flaherty
: So, the other day when Carter said he was feeling sick and he had to go home early.
[Stacey shakes her head
] Carter Heywood
: Hey ! I was feeling a little sale at Barneys. Mike Flaherty
: What if I were to say that I were the worlds greatest lover ? Stacey Paterno
: I'd say that you believe it to be true. Mike Flaherty
: Right, that's good enough for me.
: You know what they called me in grade school, 'Leaky'. Nikki Faber
: I'm afraid to ask. James Hobert
: Oh, it's not what you think, I use to wet my pants.
Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: [James has let the Mayor borrow one hundred dollars and is now broke. James tried to steal from candy machine
] James, you all right? James Hobert
: I'm hungry, Sir. I didn't have enough cash for lunch today. Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: Well, hunger is a funny thing. For instance, I just had a huge steak at a four star restaurant and gosh, I still having a craving for a candy bar. James Hobert
: I stole from a bowl in the lobby and drank six non-dairy creamers. Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: [looking through his cash heavy billfold
] This thing does not take twenties. You would'n have a dollar, would you? James Hobert
: [holding his last dollar
] I just have one, Sir. I was saving it for a subway token home. Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: [grabs the dollar
] Well, spoil yourself. Take a cab.
: Tell you what... I'll make a deal with you. You do this for me, when we build that Performing Arts Center we will name it after you. James Hobert
: It will be called 'The James Hobert Performing Arts Center'? Mike Flaherty
: Around the office... it will.
: Stuart, Mike told me to fire Deidre. And, ah, I have to admit, I'm a little afraid. Stuart Bondek
: Look James, the thing you have to understand about Deidre is- under her rough and vicious exterior... James Hobert
: She's a sweet and venerable woman? Stuart Bondek
: No, she the scariest bitch I've ever seen.
: [talking about disgraced candidate
] You said there would be a show of support for him. Mike Flaherty
: Yes, Yes... a show of support. Not actual support.
: [Stuart comes into work all beaten up
] Gees Stuart, what happen to you. Stuart Bondek
: Remember that woman I have been seeing, the one married to the bouncer. Last night when I went home he was waiting for me. I have no idea how he found out. James Hobert
: [James and Paul start to snigger
] Do you want to know how he found out? Paul Lassiter
: [Now laughing
] We Told him! GOTCHA! Stuart Bondek
: That's not a practical joke, you idiots. I'm really hurt I may have a concussion. James Hobert
: [James and Paul laughing hysterically
] Yes! SCORE! Paul Lassiter
: [still laughing
] And that's not all, we also called your mother. Stuart Bondek
: You told my mother I was sleeping with a married woman? Paul Lassiter
] We told her you we DEAD! Stuart Bondek
: You guys are crazy. I've got to go see my mother. James Hobert
: [still laughing and giving high fives
] WE RULE! Stuart Bondek
: [offstage and hearing a dog bark
] Hey, down boy. I don't have any drugs on me. Paul Lassiter
: [crying laughing
] Thanks what you think!
: Mike, I'm proud of you. Mike Flaherty
: This is what I hear. James Hobert
: I know it sounds silly but I grew up without an older brother and I guess I need someone in my life to look up to. And Mike, 'You Complete Me'. Mike Flaherty
: James, you had be at proud.
: [Mayor has fallen into a deep hole
] James, you wait here and make sure no one finds out about this. James Hobert
: I'm going to wait here better than anyone, Mike. Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: [from the hole
] What am I suppose to do? James Hobert
: Aaah, pretend your Bugs Bunny. Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: I don't think that's a good idea. James Hobert
: Why is that, Sir? Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: It's Wabbit Season.
: [talking about women
] they will just dump you, lock you out of your apartment, never return your calls... James Hobert
: Are you talking about Claudia? Paul Lassiter
] maybe. Paul Lassiter
: Could you imagine how pathetic my life might seem if my mom had not let me move back in with her? Mike Flaherty
: Paul, I think I speak for all of us when I say, 'we can only guess'.
: People with facial hair seem smarter. James Hobert
: Really? Paul Lassiter
: Yea, think about it... take Abe Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Bert Reynolds. James Hobert
: And my Aunt Sally, she's smart as a whip.
: Mike, the band called there not going to show. They get a better offer to play the funeral. Mike Flaherty
: Alright, from now on you are the band. James Hobert
: Cool! Can I be Loverboy?
: [thinking about trying to liven up the press conferences
] What am I suppose to do tell 'Knock-Knock' jokes? Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: Wait, wait, that's a great idea. Paul Lassiter
: Thank you, Sir. Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: We need to make our policy statements more entertaining. You know, spice things up with a few jokes. James Hobert
: Sir, I think that's a bad idea. Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.
: Well then its official, we're doing it.
: [talking about Mayor's party
] I can't wait for the party. Every year the Mayor and I sing a song together. James Hobert
: Hey, can I sing with the Mayor this time? Paul Lassiter
: Well that depends, are you, me?
: Mike, proud of you! Mike
: This is what i hear... James
: I know it sounds a little silly... you know i grew up without an older brother and i guess i need someone in my life to look up to... mike you complete me... Mike
: James, You had me at proud!
: [people making noise
] Hey, do you guys mind? It's been a life long dream of mine to do some real writing. And I finally been commissioned to do a piece for a very respected National magazine. Carter Heywood
: Oh, really- 'The New Yorker'? 'Vanity Fair'? James Hobert