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Quotes for
Father Jack Hackett (Character)
from "Father Ted" (1995)

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"Father Ted: Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading (#2.8)" (1996)
Father Jack Hackett: Drink!
Father Ted Crilly: You won't find any there father. I put it somewhere very safe.
Father Jack Hackett: Where?
[We see all of Father Jack's alchahol hidden in a cave on Craggy Island's coast]

[Pointing at the various items he is naming]
Father Jack Hackett: Chair... curtains... floor...
[Points at Ted]
Father Jack Hackett: Gobshite!

Father Jack Hackett: What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!

[Father Jack sobers up and looks at Dougal and Ted]
Father Jack Hackett: Where are the other two?

"Father Ted: Good Luck, Father Ted (#1.1)" (1995)
Father Jack Hackett: How did that gobshite get on the television?

[Pouring Jack a cup of tea]
Mrs. Doyle: Now what do you say to a cup?
Father Jack Hackett: Feck off, cup!

Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
[offers him a cup of tea]
Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!

[Dougal is holding the front panel of a TV up to his face]
Father Jack Hackett: What's that gobshite doing on the television?

"Father Ted: The Plague (#2.6)" (1996)
Father Jack Hackett: Hey,hey,hey you!
Father Ted Crilly: Yes Father?
Father Jack Hackett: Rats!
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, Father; we can see them as well.
Father Jack Hackett: Hairy Japanese Bastards!

[When thinking of a name for Dougals rabbit]
Father Dougal McGuire: I've got one. You see how he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place? Well why don't we call him Father Jack Haggit.
Father Ted Crilly: [sarcastically] Perfect. 'Father Jack' it is.
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Ted Crilly: Oh nothing Father. Dougals just named his rabbit after you.
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Dougal McGuire: Are you alright 'Father Jack'?
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Ted Crilly: He's not talking to you. He's talking to the rabbit.
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Dougal McGuire: I think 'Father Jack' needs a Drink.
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: Lets give him water.
Father Jack Hackett: WATER? FECK!
Father Ted Crilly: It's getting far to confusing.
Father Dougal McGuire: I've gotten use to calling him 'Father Jack'. Cant we call Father Jack something else?
Father Ted Crilly: Alright then 'Flipper', 'Flipper the priest'
Father Jack Hackett: YES!

"Father Ted: Tentacles of Doom (#2.3)" (1996)
Father Jack Hackett: [Repeated line] That would be an ecumenical matter!

Father Ted Crilly: Right, Father. Now we're going to have a little elocution lesson.
Father Jack Hackett: [finishes a can of beer and throws it at the wall] DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: Now, Father, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops come here.
Father Jack Hackett: FECK!
Father Ted Crilly: No, you can't say that either.
Father Jack Hackett: GIRLS!
Father Ted Crilly: Look, Father, just let's go back to "drink" for the moment.
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: [lifts up the cover of a flip chart on an easel, written on it are the phrases "That would be an ecumenical matter" and "Yes"] Right, now I want you to have a look at this. Have a go at the first one here. "That".
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: No, no, no. "That".
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: Now, come on, Father, concentrate."That".
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!
[seven more times Ted says "That" and Jack says "DRINK!"]
Father Ted Crilly: Now, come on now, Father, I know you can do it! There'll be a little drink in it for you if you do it.
Father Jack Hackett: Drink?
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, I promise. Now come on, try again. "That".
Father Jack Hackett: Th-th-th-th - th-thhhhh... DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: Come on, now, Father, you almost had it! "That"!
Father Jack Hackett: Th-th-th-th-thhhh... THAT!
Father Ted Crilly: GREAT!
Father Jack Hackett: THAT!
Father Ted Crilly: Brilliant, Father! Let's keep it going here, and the next one, "That would".
Father Jack Hackett: THAT! Ww-ww-ww-ww - ww... DRINK!
[Jack slumps down in his chair in defeat. Ted knocks down the flip chart in frustration]

"Father Ted: Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest (#1.6)" (1995)
[Dougal is asleep on the floor beside Jack's coffin, while Ted looks out a window... ]
Father Ted Crilly: It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight.
[Scene fades to stock footage of snow on trees]
Father Ted Crilly: It's probably snowing all over the island, on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and the headstones, upon all the living and the dead...
[Snow footage fades out to show Jack standing beside his coffin!]
Father Jack Hackett: SHUT THE FECK UP!
[Ted turns, sees Jack and faints, waking Dougal... ]
Father Dougal McGuire: [Looks down at Ted lying on the floor] Ted! What's wrong?
[Turns to Jack]
Father Dougal McGuire: Father Jack, did you see what happened?
[Looks back at Ted]
Father Dougal McGuire: Ted?
[Turns back to Jack]
Father Dougal McGuire: What happened, Father Jack? Wha...
[Finally realises what's happening and faints as well!]
Father Dougal McGuire: Ooooo!

"Father Ted: The Passion of Saint Tibulus (#1.3)" (1995)
Father Ted: What's that your looking at, father?
Father Jack Hackett: What?
Father Ted: Is that a film?
Father Jack Hackett: What?
Father Ted: Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland?
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Ted: Is that Flatliners you are watching?
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Jose Fernandez: Is Father Jack a little short of hearing?
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Ted: To be honest, he can hear quite well when he wants to. Watch this...
Father Ted: Father Jack, would you like a brandy?
Father Jack Hackett: Yes.

"Father Ted: Night of the Nearly Dead (#3.7)" (1998)
Father Jack Hackett: They lie in wait like wolves, the smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting, interminably waiting, and then...
Father Dougal McGuire: [nodding] He's right, you know, Ted.

"Father Ted: Think Fast, Father Ted (#2.2)" (1996)
Father Jack Hackett: I'm a happy camper!

"Father Ted: Speed 3 (#3.3)" (1998)
Father Jack Hackett: I love my brick!

"Father Ted: And God Created Woman (#1.5)" (1995)
[Mrs. Doyle rolls Father Jack into the living room on his wheelchair. He sees that there are nuns in the room]
Father Jack Hackett: Nuns! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!

"Father Ted: Going to America (#3.8)" (1998)
Father Dougal: [at the Airport] I think this is the greatest moment of my life!
Mrs. Doyle: Me too!
Father Jack Hackett: [shouts] Big bras!

"Father Ted: Old Grey Whistle Theft (#2.4)" (1996)
[Ted accidentally clinks two wine bottles together]
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: It's not drink, Father. It's just fizzy water.
Father Jack Hackett: "Jacobs Creek Chardonnay 1991!"
Father Ted Crilly: You can tell that just from the sound?