Father Ted Crilly
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Quotes for
Father Ted Crilly (Character)
from "Father Ted" (1995)

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"Father Ted: The Plague (#2.6)" (1996)
Father Jack Hackett: Hey,hey,hey you!
Father Ted Crilly: Yes Father?
Father Jack Hackett: Rats!
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, Father; we can see them as well.
Father Jack Hackett: Hairy Japanese Bastards!

Bishop Len Brennan: And you have...?
Father Ted Crilly: Ah, yes. The rope. I'd like to see him chew through this... Again.

Father Dougal McGuire: C'mon Ted,think. Where's the last place you'd think I'd put them?
Father Ted Crilly: Wwll, I suppose that the last place I'd think you'd put them would be... would actually be... Bishop Brennan's room. Dougal: Bingo! Think about it Ted- I put the bunnies in the last place he'd ever expect to find them! In his own room- he'd never look there!
Father Dougal McGuire: Bingo! Think about it Ted- I put the bunnies in the last place he'd ever expect to find them! In his own room- he'd never look there!

Father Ted Crilly: Well, we'll have to do it in shifts; get them out of the house and as far away as possible.
Father Dougal McGuire: Why can't we just leave them here?
Father Ted Crilly: Because, Dougal, my nerves are shot and I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit left is the one sitting in your head working the controls.

[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Len Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted Crilly: Oh feck!
Bishop Len Brennan: What?
Father Ted Crilly: Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted Crilly: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal McGuire: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted Crilly: It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[the phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Bishop Len Brennan: Crilly.
Father Ted Crilly: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
Bishop Len Brennan: Shut up, Crilly, just shut up!

[When thinking of a name for Dougals rabbit]
Father Dougal McGuire: I've got one. You see how he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place? Well why don't we call him Father Jack Haggit.
Father Ted Crilly: [sarcastically] Perfect. 'Father Jack' it is.
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Ted Crilly: Oh nothing Father. Dougals just named his rabbit after you.
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Dougal McGuire: Are you alright 'Father Jack'?
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Ted Crilly: He's not talking to you. He's talking to the rabbit.
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Dougal McGuire: I think 'Father Jack' needs a Drink.
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: Lets give him water.
Father Jack Hackett: WATER? FECK!
Father Ted Crilly: It's getting far to confusing.
Father Dougal McGuire: I've gotten use to calling him 'Father Jack'. Cant we call Father Jack something else?
Father Ted Crilly: Alright then 'Flipper', 'Flipper the priest'
Father Jack Hackett: YES!

Bishop Len Brennan: Um... Crilly what is this?
[Points to big pile of rabbit droppings on the floor]
Father Ted Crilly: That's um... Caviar.
Bishop Len Brennan: Caviar?
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, well it's not everyday we have a bishop around, so we thought we'd get the Caviar out.
Bishop Len Brennan: Right so what you've done is, you've spread some Caviar down there so i can get on my hands and eat it off the floor.
Father Ted Crilly: ...Yes

Father Dougal McGuire: Come on Sampras.
Father Ted Crilly: What did you call him?
Father Dougal McGuire: Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
Father Ted Crilly: Why?
Father Dougal McGuire: Well, you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.

[Ted screams at the sight of all the rabbits]
Father Dougal McGuire: What's wrong Ted?
Father Ted Crilly: Rabbits!
Father Dougal McGuire: Wher- oh wow.

Father Dougal McGuire: Ted! Did Len find the rabbits?
Bishop Len Brennan: What did he say?
Father Ted Crilly: Well er...
Bishop Len Brennan: Did he call me Len again?
[shouts downstairs]
Bishop Len Brennan: You address me by my proper title you little bollocks!
Father Dougal McGuire: Sorry er... Father Len Brennan.

Father Ted Crilly: D'you know what this is like, Dougal? It's like some sort of plague... A big rabbit plague... I wonder if God is punishing us, or something... Maybe because I said "feck" to Bishop Brennan.
Father Dougal McGuire: God, if he'd send a plague of rabbits just because you said "feck" to Bishop Brennan, imagine what'll he do when he finds out about all the money you stole from that charity?


"Father Ted: New Jack City (#2.9)" (1996)
Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Father Dougal McGuire: Yes Ted, I've been drinking like a mad eedjit!
[Winks at Fr. Stack]
Father Dougal McGuire: I mean no, I haven't.

Father Fintan Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Father Ted Crilly: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Fintan Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

Father Ted Crilly: Come on, Divorce Referendum!

Father Ted Crilly: Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.

Father Ted Crilly: What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them...
Father Dougal McGuire: A shower of bastards.

Father Ted Crilly: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Father Dougal McGuire: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Father Ted Crilly: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Father Fintan Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Father Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Fintan Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

Father Dougal: God, Ted, I've never met anyone like him anywhere. Who would he be like, Hitler or one of those mad fellas?
Father Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler! You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning.

Father Ted Crilly: Father Stack, if you're trying to embarrass us, you're not succeeding.
Father Fintan Stack: [Smugly] Yes I am!
Father Rory Shanahan: Well I have to say, I think you're a very rude man.
Father Fintan Stack: [Still smug] If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.
[Father Ted, Father Rory and Father Ken look uncomfortable and embarrassed. Door opens, sending beer cans everywhere. Dougal staggers in, he is drunk]
Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, where did you go?
Father Dougal McGuire: [Slurred] Ted! How are ya?
[Lunges forward and hugs Ted, who pushes him away]
Father Ted Crilly: [Shocked] Dougal, what the...
Father Dougal McGuire: Guess what, Ted?
Father Ted Crilly: What?
Father Dougal McGuire: [Confused] What?
Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Father Dougal McGuire: I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit!
[Puts his arm around Ted]
Father Dougal McGuire: No no, wait wait...
[Winks at an amused Father Stack]
Father Dougal McGuire: ... No, I haven't!
Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.
Father Dougal McGuire: [Shaking Ted] Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest.
[Drunkenly unenthusiastic]
Father Dougal McGuire: We're all going to heaven lads, wahey.
Father Fintan Stack: [Quietly amused] Perhaps I should explain. Your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.
Father Ted Crilly: [Outraged] Well, this is the last straw!
Father Dougal McGuire: [Holding some car keys] I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable...
[Collapses, dropping the keys. Father Stack retrieves them]


"Father Ted: The Passion of Saint Tibulus (#1.3)" (1995)
Father Ted Crilly: 6am. Great. Another six hours sleep.

Father Ted Crilly: Your grace, this isn't really my area.
Bishop Len Brennan: Nothing is your area Crilly, you do not have an area, unless it's a kind of a play area with sandcastles and buckets and spades.

Father Dougal: Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?
Father Ted Crilly: That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

[to Father Hernandez about Jack]
Father Ted Crilly: He gets a kind of waxy build up in his ears.
Father Dougal: Yeah, but it's good though, in a way, cos we never run short of candles.

[Ted and Dougal are holding up protest signs]
Father Ted Crilly: Down with this sort of thing!
Father Dougal: Careful Now!

Father Ted: What's that your looking at, father?
Father Jack Hackett: What?
Father Ted: Is that a film?
Father Jack Hackett: What?
Father Ted: Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland?
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Ted: Is that Flatliners you are watching?
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Jose Fernandez: Is Father Jack a little short of hearing?
Father Jack Hackett: WHAT?
Father Ted: To be honest, he can hear quite well when he wants to. Watch this...
Father Ted: Father Jack, would you like a brandy?
Father Jack Hackett: Yes.

Father Ted: He gets a kind of waxy build up in his ears.
Father Dougal: Yeah, but it's good though, in a way, cos we never run short of candles.

Father Ted: [about Reverend Green from Cluedo] Those Protestants, up to no good as usual.


"Father Ted: Entertaining Father Stone (#1.2)" (1995)
Father Dougal McGuire: Father Stone's been in there a long time hasn't he? Do you think he's dead?
Father Ted Crilly: Probably doing tests.
Father Dougal McGuire: What sort of tests? General knowledge?

Father Ted Crilly: God I hate hospitals.
Father Dougal McGuire: Do you ever notice it's usually sick people who end up in hospitals?

[In the hospital waiting area]
Father Dougal McGuire: Who would have thought being hit by lightening would land you in hospital?
Father Ted Crilly: What? What are you talking about? Of course it can land you in hospital
Father Dougal McGuire: Well it's not usually serious is it Ted. I mean, I was hit by lightening a few times and I never had to go to hospital.
Father Ted Crilly: Yes Dougal, but you're different from most people. All that happened to you was that balloons kept sticking to you.

Father Ted Crilly: Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

Father Dougal McGuire: How did you meet him in the first place?
Father Ted Crilly: He was introduced to me by Father Jim Dougan, we were at a conference. Dougan came up and said "This is Father Stone" and ran out of the building.

Father Dougal McGuire: Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?
Father Ted Crilly: Oh, yes... what was it called...?
Father Dougal McGuire: Out Of Africa, I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it...
Father Ted Crilly: I'll have to stop you there, Dougal.
Father Dougal McGuire: Yes, Ted?
Father Ted Crilly: No reason. I just have to stop you.

Father Dougal: Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?
Father Ted: Oh, yes... what was it called...?
Father Dougal: "Out Of Africa", I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it...
Father Ted: I'll have to stop you there, Dougal.
Father Dougal: Yes, Ted?
Father Ted: No reason. I just have to stop you.

Father Dougal: How did you meet him in the first place?
Father Ted: He was introduced to me by Father Jim Dougan, we were at a conference. Dougan came up and said "This is Father Stone", and ran out of the building.


"Father Ted: Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest (#1.6)" (1995)
[Dougal sits in Jacks Chair and acts like him]
Father Dougal McGuire: ooh Gimme lots of drink ooh Your a gobshite Ted ooh DRINK, FECK, AR...
[Ted Walks in and Dougal jumps]
Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, do you really think you should be getting up to that sort of rubbish right now?

[about Father Jack]
Father Ted Crilly: There he is so. Risen from the dead. Like that fella... ET.

Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like "collect twelve crisp packs and become a priest"?

Father Ted: What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them...
Father Dougal: A shower of bastards.

Father Ted: There he is so. Risen from the dead. Like that fella... ET

[Dougal and Ted are in the crypt, following their meeting with Fr. Jack's female solicitor]
Father Dougal McGuire: How's your head, Ted?
[Ted sits down, holding his head with a plaster over his left eye]
Father Ted Crilly: Not too bad. It's true what they say about career women... Very aggressive.
Father Dougal McGuire: Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she Ted?
Father Ted Crilly: Oh, and the language out of her! You wouldn't hear it from a docker.
Father Dougal McGuire: Ah, you would. They use very bad language.
Father Ted Crilly: F this... F that...
Father Dougal McGuire: It was worse than that, Ted. She was saying fu...
Father Ted Crilly: [Ted cuts him off... ] Now, Dougal!

[Dougal is asleep on the floor beside Jack's coffin, while Ted looks out a window... ]
Father Ted Crilly: It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight.
[Scene fades to stock footage of snow on trees]
Father Ted Crilly: It's probably snowing all over the island, on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and the headstones, upon all the living and the dead...
[Snow footage fades out to show Jack standing beside his coffin!]
Father Jack Hackett: SHUT THE FECK UP!
[Ted turns, sees Jack and faints, waking Dougal... ]
Father Dougal McGuire: [Looks down at Ted lying on the floor] Ted! What's wrong?
[Turns to Jack]
Father Dougal McGuire: Father Jack, did you see what happened?
[Looks back at Ted]
Father Dougal McGuire: Ted?
[Turns back to Jack]
Father Dougal McGuire: What happened, Father Jack? Wha...
[Finally realises what's happening and faints as well!]
Father Dougal McGuire: Ooooo!


"Father Ted: A Song for Europe (#2.5)" (1996)
Father Dougal McGuire: Ready Ted? Let's do it!
Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, don't take it so seriously, it's just a bit of fun.
[Scene jumps forward to some time later. Room is filled with smoke and there is a cigarette hanging out of a stressed out Ted's mouth]
Father Ted Crilly: Just play the fucking note!
Father Dougal McGuire: The first one?
Father Ted Crilly: No not the fucking first one! The fucking first one's already fucking down! Just play the fucking note you were fucking playing earlier! I've been playing the fucking first one! We have the fucking first one!
Father Dougal McGuire: So i'll just...
Father Ted Crilly: Just play the fucking note you where fucking playing there! Fucking what you where just fucking doing! Play the fucking note!

Father Ted Crilly: So what do you want to write about?
Father Dougal McGuire: How about... a lovely horse?

[after playing "My Lovely Horse" to Father Jack and Mrs. Doyle]
Father Ted Crilly: Well, what do you think, in general?
[Father Jack pulls out a rifle and shoots Ted's guitar]
Father Ted Crilly: Right.

Father Dougal McGuire: I've got Eurosong Fever, Ted. Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competution, I just can't wait! What time is it?
Father Ted Crilly: Half past one.
Father Dougal McGuire: Half-one! And the competitions on in...?
Father Ted Crilly: May.

Father Dougal: Ready Ted? Let's do it!
Father Ted: Dougal, don't take it so seriously, it's just a bit of fun.
[some time later; Ted has smoked so many cigarettes the room is filled with smoke]
Father Ted: Just play the f - king note!
Father Dougal: The first one?
Father Ted: [angry yelling] No not the f - king first one! The f - king first one's already f - king down! Just play the f - king note you were f - king playing earlier! I've been playing the f - king first one! We have the f - king first one!

Father Dougal McGuire: How about "Take this lump of sugar, baby, you know you want it"?
Father Ted Crilly: I think we want to steer clear of the whole area of being in love with the horse. Just that we want to be around it and have a good time.


"Father Ted: And God Created Woman (#1.5)" (1995)
[Tom has just robbed the Craggy Island Post Office]
Father Ted Crilly: You're not up to your old tricks again, are you Tom?
Tom: No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

Mrs. Doyle: It's a bit much for me, Father. "Feck this" and "Feck that"
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs. Doyle: "You big bastard." Oh, Dreadful Language. "You big hairy arse." "You big Fecker." Fierce Stuff! And of course the F-word father, the bad F-word. Worse then Feck. You know the one I mean.
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, I do, Mrs Doyle
Mrs. Doyle: "F you" "F your effing wife" I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch up your hole" That was another one.
Father Ted Crilly: I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle
Mrs. Doyle: "Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the Bastards in her novels. It's wall-to-wall bastards.
Father Ted Crilly: Is it Mrs Doyle?
Mrs. Doyle: "You Bastard" "You Fecker" "You bollocks! Get your ballocks out of my face."
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns.
Mrs. Doyle: "Ride me sideways" was another one.

Father Ted: Ah, Sister Assumpta!
Sister Assumpta: Hello Father!
Father Ted: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Father Dougal: Er, no.
Father Ted: She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!
[Dougal shakes his head]
Sister Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Father Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?
[Dougal shakes his head some more]
Father Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Mrs Doyle: I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.
Father Ted: Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.
Mrs Doyle: You've never read any of her books, have you, father?
Father Ted: Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.
Mrs Doyle: Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!
Father Ted: It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that.
Father Ted: [uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean.
Father Ted: [becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes!
Father Ted: I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards!
Father Ted: Is it, Mrs. Doyle?
[taking her arm and steering her out of the room]
Father Ted: Anyway...
Mrs Doyle: "You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible.
Father Ted: [finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.
Mrs Doyle: [from the next room] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

Mrs Doyle: I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language! Unbelievable!
Father Ted: Well, it's... it's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Ah, it was a bit much for me, father. 'Feck' this, and 'feck' that.
Father Ted: Yes, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: 'Ya big bastard.' Oh, dreadful language. 'Ya big hairy arse, ya big fecker.' Fierce stuff. And of course, the F-word, father. The bad F-word - worse than 'feck.' You know the one I mean.
Father Ted: Yes I do, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: 'Eff you. Eff your effin' wife.' Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that! 'I'll stick this effin' pitchfork up your hole,' oh that was another one. Oh yes.
Father Ted: I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: 'Bastard' this and 'bastard' that. You can't move for the 'bastards' in her novels. It's wall-to-wall bastards.
Father Ted: Is it, Mrs Doyle? Anyway...
[Father Ted starts to lead her out of the room]
Mrs Doyle: 'Ya bastard. Ya fecker. Ya bollocks - Get your bollocks outta my face!'
[Father Ted leads her out of the room, and closes the door on her]
Mrs Doyle: [off-screen] 'Ride me sideways' was another one!


"Father Ted: Good Luck, Father Ted (#1.1)" (1995)
Father Ted Crilly: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.
Father Dougal McGuire: Yes.
Father Ted Crilly: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

Tom: Father... I've killed a man.
Father Ted Crilly: Er, well, we'll talk about that later, Tom. Right now, I'm going to be on the telly!

Father Ted Crilly: Uh... Dougal... there's uh... some shaving cream there.
Father Dougal McGuire: No, no, Ted, your grand.
Father Ted Crilly: No... on you.
Father Dougal McGuire: Oh... where exactly Ted?
Father Ted Crilly: Just there, below your ear.
Father Dougal McGuire: Here?
Father Ted Crilly: Yes and there's... uh... there's a bit more...
Father Dougal McGuire: Gone?
Father Ted Crilly: No, there's still just a tiny... Dougal, its all over the place!
Father Dougal McGuire: How on Earth did that get there?... I didn't even shave this morning!

[Talking to Dougal at Funland]
Father Ted Crilly: You're supposed to be taking Jack for his walk.
Father Dougal McGuire: Well erm, the cliffs were closed for the day.
Father Ted Crilly: How can the cliffs be closed Dougal?
Father Dougal McGuire: OK no, it wasn't that. They were gone
Father Ted Crilly: Gone? The cliffs were gone. How could they just disappear?
Father Dougal McGuire: Erosion.

Tom: Father! I've killed a man.
Father Ted: Er, well, we'll talk about that later, Tom. Right now, I'm going to be on the telly!


"Father Ted: A Christmassy Ted (#2.11)" (1996)
Father Ted Crilly: Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?
Father Dougal: Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.
Father Ted Crilly: Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?
Father Dougal: Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine.
[Meanwhile, Jack is in a creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounding by children playing]

Father Ted Crilly: You let Dougal do a funeral?
Father Ted Crilly: [Cut to destroyed hearse]

Father Ted Crilly: I mean, what's it all about?
Father Dougal: Oh there's not really a story Ted, it's just about football and stuff.
Father Ted Crilly: Ah no Dougal I mean life.

Father Ted Crilly: Y'know, when I woke up this morning and I looked in the mirror there was a middle-aged, grey-haired man staring back at me.
Father Dougal: Who was that Ted?
Father Ted Crilly: Me Dougal!
Father Dougal: Ah. That would explain a lot.

Father Dougal: [about the Advent calendar] God, Ted, I can't wait to find out what's behind tomorrow's one. I-I bet it's a donkey or somethin'.
Father Ted Crilly: Oh right so you've eh changed from your initial prediction. What was it again, Rudd Gullit sitting on a shed, was it?


"Father Ted: Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading (#2.8)" (1996)
Father Ted Crilly: Honestly Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
Father Dougal McGuire: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike, I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills, but I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Father Ted Crilly: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Father Dougal McGuire: You're right Ted! I admit I've got a problem!

Father Jack Hackett: Drink!
Father Ted Crilly: You won't find any there father. I put it somewhere very safe.
Father Jack Hackett: Where?
[We see all of Father Jack's alchahol hidden in a cave on Craggy Island's coast]

Father Ted Crilly: Ah, Sister Assumpta!
Sr. Assumpta: Hello Father!
Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Father Dougal McGuire: Er, no.
Father Dougal McGuire: She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!
[Dougal shakes his head]
Sr. Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Father Ted Crilly: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?
[Dougal shakes his head some more]
Father Ted Crilly: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal McGuire: Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Father Ted Crilly: God almighty, when I think of the sacrifices Matty Hislop made.
Father Dougal McGuire: Who?
Father Ted Crilly: Matty Hislop. He was a notorious drunkard who found God and then decided to punish himself for his sins. Oh, he used to do all kinds of things. Like he had this terrible allergic reaction to cats. So instead of avoiding them, he used to carry a kitten in his pocket. He'd sniff it from time to time. His head just inflated like a balloon.
Father Dougal McGuire: Fair play to him.


"Father Ted: Hell (#2.1)" (1996)
Father Ted Crilly: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Father Dougal McGuire: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were traveling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Father Ted Crilly: Good man!
Father Dougal McGuire: Ah, no, wait a minute... now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God, I'm an awful idiot!

Mrs. Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted Crilly: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs. Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[She holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted Crilly: No, thanks, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs. Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted Crilly: WHAT?
Mrs. Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about? No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, what's so special about July the 19th?
Father Dougal McGuire: I don't now Ted, ya big bollocks.

Father Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Father Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were traveling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Father Ted: Good man!
Father Dougal: Ah, no, wait a minute... now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!


"Father Ted: Going to America (#3.8)" (1998)
Fr. Buzz Cagney: You know what I do with $400? I wipe my ass with it.
Father Ted: Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?

Father Ted: I'm not Santa, infact I'm the opposite of Santa.
Father Dougal: The anti-Santa!

Father Ted: Night, Dougal.
Father Dougal: Night, Ted.

Fr. Buzz Cagney: I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em?
Father Ted: Yeah, by the balls!
Fr. Buzz Cagney: I was gonna say by the shoulders...


"Father Ted: Old Grey Whistle Theft (#2.4)" (1996)
Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, is there anything on your mind?
[Dougal looks worried]
Father Ted Crilly: Let me rephrase that.

Father Dougal McGuire: God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.
Father Ted Crilly: No... no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.

[Ted accidentally clinks two wine bottles together]
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: It's not drink, Father. It's just fizzy water.
Father Jack Hackett: "Jacobs Creek Chardonnay 1991!"
Father Ted Crilly: You can tell that just from the sound?

Mrs. Doyle: Here are the sandwiches for the picnic, the rest are in the kitchen. I hope you enjoy them Father.
Father Ted Crilly: I love a sandwich from time to time. It doesn't matter what flavour it is as long as it isn't egg, because you know how much I hate egg Mrs. Doyle. God even the smell of them brings me under a terrible rash. I tell you, I wouldn't even eat an egg sandwich if you paid me. The horrible stinking smelly things as I told you before. Remember me telling you earlier Mrs. Doyle any thing except egg and I wanted anything at all as long as it wasn't egg - they're egg aren't they, Mrs. Doyle?
Mrs. Doyle: Yes.


"Father Ted: Are You Right There Father Ted? (#3.1)" (1998)
[Ted is trying to explain that he isn't a racist, by buying drinks for Chinese men. He raises his glass]
Father Ted: To China!
[everybody cheers]
Chinese man: [raising his glass] To Craggy Island!
[everybody cheers]
Father Ted: More drink!
[everybody cheers]
Bar tender: I'm sorry, the bar's closed.
[everybody cheers]
Father Ted: How about we all go back to my place for a drink?
[everybody cheers]
Father Dougal: Wait, I need to go to the toilet first.
[everybody cheers]

Father Ted: [trying to explain himself] I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists go round dressed in black telling people what to do, whereas priests... er... More drink!

Colm: I hear your a racist now, Father? Should we all be racist now? What's the Church's position? I'm so busy down on the farm I won't have much time for the ol' racism.
Father Ted: What?
Mrs. Carberry: [wildly gesticulating] Good for you, Father! Good for you! Somebody finally had the guts to stand up and say it! They come over here, after our jobs and our women, fecking Greeks!
Colm: It's not the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after!
Father Ted: I'm not after the Chinese! I'm not a racist!
Mrs. Carberry: I don't care so long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They're the ones who invented Gayness!


"Father Ted: Night of the Nearly Dead (#3.7)" (1998)
Patsy: [At the end of their visit] Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."
Father Ted Crilly: Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?
Eoin McLove: I have no willy!

Father Ted Crilly: We need something that will keep them away from the house, something to distract them... but what?
[Ted and Dougal sit there thinking]
Father Dougal McGuire: A diversion! That's what it's called, a diversion!

Eoin McLove: [Father Ted on Eoin's quiz show] Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became Pope?
Father Ted Crilly: [long pause across end credits] Jim?


"Father Ted: Speed 3 (#3.3)" (1998)
Father Ted Crilly: [commenting on the babies at the competition Fathers Ted and Dougal judged] This sounds terrible to say but if you take...
[denoting a respective picture]
Father Ted Crilly: this baby's facial hair, this baby's moustache and this baby's sideboards, I think you'll get...I think you get Pat Mustard!
Father Dougal McGuire: Are they copying his style?

Father Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.
Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!
Father Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.
Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?
Father Ted: Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!

Mrs. Doyle: Father Crilly, Pat wants to know if he can put his massive tool in my box.
Father Ted: Now see here!
[Pat holds up a huge wrench]
Pat Mustard: It won't fit in mine.


"Father Ted: Flight into Terror (#2.10)" (1996)
Father Ted Crilly: It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.
Father Dougal McGuire: I didn't see that one.
Father Ted Crilly: Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference

Father Fintan Fay: [Father Ted is reading Michael Barrymore's autobiography] Ooh ooh! Aah aah! Ooh?
Father Ted Crilly: No, there's no mention of it so far.


"Father Ted: Competition Time (#1.4)" (1995)
Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
Father Ted Crilly: Were you in Vietnam, Sergeant?
Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.

Father Dougal McGuire: I've never met a celebrity before.
Father Ted Crilly: You met the Pope.
Father Dougal McGuire: Did I?
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, do you not remember that time we were in Rome?
Father Dougal McGuire: That was the Pope? That old fella living in the art gallery?
Father Ted Crilly: The Vatican, Dougal! The Vatican!
Father Dougal McGuire: Still, he's not a celebrity in the true sense of the word.
Father Ted Crilly: He's God's representative on Earth, Dougal!
Father Dougal McGuire: You'd think he'd be taller.
Father Ted Crilly: You mean like a giant?


"Father Ted: Rock a Hula Ted (#2.7)" (1996)
Father Ted Crilly: He goes mad if I'm a minute late.
[Father Jack is reading a newspaper called "Drink"]
Father Ted Crilly: Father Jack, your afternoon drink.
[Jack lowers his newspaper and is even more hairy than ever, with very long frizzy hair and a very long beard]
Father Ted Crilly: You know you really should get a haircut. You don't want to go too far down that "Bob Geldolf" road.
Father Dougal McGuire: Oh Ted, that's a baaaad road.
Father Ted Crilly: It is indeed, Dougal. And once you've gone down it, there's no coming back, as Bob himself would tell you. Ha ha ha.
[Father Jack hits Ted on the head with his walking stick]

Father Ted Crilly: Can't you have last year's winner do it?
Father Liam Deliverance: No, she lost her title. She was in a fillum called "Stallion Farm". Apparently it was quite rude.


"Father Ted: The Mainland (#3.4)" (1998)
Father Ted Crilly: [after spotting Richard Wilson] You know what he'd love? He'd really love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase.
Father Dougal McGuire: Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that.
Father Ted Crilly: Should I?
Father Dougal McGuire: Oh, yeah. I'd say no-one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of those times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.

Father Ted Crilly: There was a time when the police in this country were friends of the church; speeding tickets torn up, drunk driving charges quashed, even a blind eye turned to the odd murder!


"Father Ted: Tentacles of Doom (#2.3)" (1996)
Father Ted Crilly: That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's so vague. No-one knows what it's really all about.

Father Ted Crilly: Now Jack, today we're going to have a few elocution lessons.
Father Jack Hackett: [tossing an empty bottle aside] DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: Now, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops are here.
Father Jack Hackett: FECK!
Father Ted Crilly: No, not that one either.
Father Jack Hackett: GIRLS!
Father Ted Crilly: Let's go back to "drink" for the time being.
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: Now, try to read the first word.
[Ted indicates a blackboard, which reads "That would be an ecumenical matter" and "Yes"]
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: No... That.
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: THAT!
Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: Come on now, Father... if you do it, there'll be a little drink in it for you.
Father Jack Hackett: Drink?... Th... th... thaa... thaa... DRINK!
Father Ted Crilly: Nearly, Father! You almost had it. Try again!
Father Jack Hackett: Th... th... thAT! THAT!
Father Ted Crilly: Yes! Now, come on, Father, let's keep it going! Would!
Father Jack Hackett: wo... wo... wo... DRINK!
[Ted punches the blackboard over in disgust]


"Father Ted: Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse (#3.6)" (1998)
Father Ted Crilly: Let's get some sleep.
[lights turn off but it is still bright]
Father Ted Crilly: It's morning. We must have talked all night. Still at least we've got a few hours before...
[alarm clock goes off]
Father Ted Crilly: Good thing I set a little early so we'll have time to get ready for...
[door bell rings]
Father Ted Crilly: [whines] Oh God!

Father Ted Crilly: [Ted worried about his upcoming forfeit] I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see... I'm going to kick him up the arse.


"Father Ted: Escape from Victory (#3.5)" (1998)
Father Ted Crilly: More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it... I'm going to have to put him in goal.