Jonathan Quayle Higgins III
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Quotes for
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III (Character)
from "Magnum, P.I." (1980)

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"Magnum, P.I.: Tropical Madness (#2.6)" (1981)
Higgins: Magnum, you are clad only in your undershorts.
Magnum: Of course I am.
Higgins: Even for you I find that just a trifle casual.

Magnum: Come on Higgins, just let me call the police will ya? I'll phone Scotland Yard, they'll run a routine check. Come on Higgins, just say something, please!
Higgins: Magnum, you will do us the kindness of going to the devil.

[Higgins has just hit Magnum in the face to defend Jennifer's honour]
Higgins: By God, I lost my temper. I haven't done that in twenty years. I'm resorting to physical violence like some tawdry melodrama.
Jennifer: I think your actually quite wonderful, the nearest, dearest thing I've seen to a hero in a very long time...
[Jennifer sighs]
Jennifer: ...but could you please put your arm around me because I just might cry.
Higgins: I will make amends for that barbarian.

[Higgins has just said farewell to Jennifer]
Magnum: You know Higgins, that was a bit of alright.
Higgins: Don't hand me that wretched understatement, I was bloody marvelous.

Higgins: These bully boys, exactly what do they look like?
Magnum: One of them was a sumo wrestler...
[Magnum lowers his voice, embarrassed to tell the rest]
Magnum: ...the other was a midget or a dwarf.
Higgins: What?
Magnum: [raises his voice angrily] A midget or a dwarf!
Higgins: [raises his eyebrows] Really? No bearded ladies, trapeze artists? Where was the rest of the circus?

"Magnum, P.I.: Computer Date (#2.13)" (1982)
Higgins: I say did someone die?
Magnum: What?
Higgins: You're almost wearing a suit. should think the only occasion in which you would do that would be a funeral.

TC: [Higgins is all dressed up] Now Higgie-baby, that is bad.
Higgins: Thank you. I am assuming that is a compliment.
TC: Right on.

"Magnum, P.I.: Rapture (#6.10)" (1985)
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: I have studied Aristotle, Socrates, William Friedrich Hegel, Bertrand Russell. I have toured college campuses debating the virtues of dialectic versus symbolic syllogism. I have written scholarly articles on the need for a new, more dynamic logic. But nothing in my life has prepared me for the workings of the Thomas Magnum mind.

"Magnum, P.I.: Of Sound Mind (#3.12)" (1983)
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: [Magnum is "playing" the saxophone] Magnum... Magnum!... Magnum!
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Hi, Higgins!
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: How fiendishly deceptive of you, Magnum. I could have sworn I was hearing the emasculation of a large rodent. To my great surprise, I see the sounds are emanating from what I thought was a harmless musical instrument.
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Cute, Higgins, real cute.
[plays sax again]
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: Why, Magnum? Why do this terrible thing?
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Higgins, I'll have you know I was very good. I was the second best sax player in my High School band.
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: Well, how many sax players were there?
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Anyway, I just saw this in a pawn shop window and thought I'd like to try and get my chops back.
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: May I suggest that your "chops" are irretrievable.
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Higgins, did you come here just to abuse me?

"Magnum, P.I.: Memories Are Forever (#2.5)" (1981)
Higgins: Magnum, I don't know if you're pulling my leg as yanks put it, or not. But you are acting frightfully strange.
Magnum: Strange?
Higgins: Yes. You're being nice.
Magnum: I'm sorry Higgins, I didn't know that was bad.
Higgins: Well with anyone else it wouldn't be, but with you, one must be suspicious.
Magnum: Well, I will try and revert to type.
Higgins: Please. You're upsetting our relationship. Being nice makes me... quite uncomfortable.

"Magnum, P.I.: Don't Eat the Snow in Hawaii (#1.1)" (1980)
[Higgins answers Robin Masters's private phone]
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: Yes sir, Mr. Masters?
Theodore 'T.C.' Calvin: [over the phone] Yeah, baby, let me talk to Thomas Magnum.

"Magnum, P.I.: Torah, Torah, Torah (#5.21)" (1985)
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: My god, what is that odor?
Theodore 'TC' Calvin: Higgy-Baby, you're talking about my Uncle Roland's original, creole, flaming, bayou-blaster chili. Wanna try a little taste?
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: Not without a paramedic in attendance.

"Magnum, P.I.: Who Is Don Luis Higgins... and Why Is He Doing These Terrible Things to Me? (#6.18)" (1986)
Magnum: [Unsure if he's speaking to the real Higgins] Tell me a story. The Gunga Din story.
Higgins: For God's sake, Magnum, this is hardly the time...
Magnum: If you're Higgins any time is the time, the Gunga Din story, NOW!
Higgins: [Fuming] Malaysia, 1943, our regiment was hopelessly outnumbered and facing certain death. In our ranks was a young lieutenant, Ian Bowerly, and during a lull in the battle, he recited "Gunga Din," I suppose to keep up our courage for facing the inevitable. His eloquent recitation grew increasingly louder until it thundered through the jungle. To our amazement, the Japanese troops walked forward. Though they spoke no English, they were entranced by the poem. They allowed us all to leave the area unharmed except for poor Mr. Bowerly. As we made our escape we could hear him reciting other Kipling favorites, literally for miles. To this day his fate remains unknown.
Magnum: Thank you. I believe your half-brother is going to assassinate the president of Costa de Rosa.

"Magnum, P.I.: Resolutions: Part I (#8.12)" (1988)
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: [last line of the series] Magnum, remember what I told you about Robin Masters?
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Yeah?
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: I lied.

"Magnum, P.I.: I Witness (#4.21)" (1984)
Orville 'Rick' Wright: That's exactly the way I told it.
Theodore 'TC' Calvin: No, it isn't!
Orville 'Rick' Wright: Except...
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: Except that neither of you is reciting anything even remotely resembling the truth! But then, what can one expect from simple, primitive minds that overload at the drop of a multi-dependent, clause-declarative sentence?
Orville 'Rick' Wright: What?

"Magnum, P.I.: Legacy from a Friend (#3.18)" (1983)
[at the mansion, Tracy is treating Magnum's bruised face with cold compresses]
Tracy Spencer: You know, I mean this in the very best sort of way, but have you ever considered taking a self-defense course?
Magnum: They were women!
Tracy Spencer: That's my point... poor thing.
[Tracy absently presses the compresses to her face. Higgins walks in]
Higgins: Oh, good, Magnum, you're here because...
Higgins: [to Tracy] Good lord, are you alright?
Tracy Spencer: Oh no, I'm fine.
Magnum: [angrily] Is SHE alright? Is she alright? Higgins, look at my body!
Higgins: I'm not blind, Magnum. I can see that you look like bloody hell. Actually though, this is a minor beating compared to some you've taken. On a relative scale, it merely counts as a "dusting up". I remember doing my first tour of duty in India...
[as usual, Higgins launches into one of his boring stories, this time about his first trip to India]

"Magnum, P.I.: Mad Buck Gibson (#2.8)" (1981)
Higgins: Don't you feel it, Magnum? The comforting void of Buck's absence?

"Magnum, P.I.: From Moscow to Maui (#2.4)" (1981)
Higgins: It is eminently satisfying, Magnum, to know that as a result of this, a few heads will roll in Moscow. You know, when I was in Vienna, the Sovjets tried to recruit me as an agent. Unbelievable crude, I came home one night to find a naked woman in my bed. I knew immediately she was Russian. They use stainless steel
[taps his teeth]
Higgins: instead of gold.