Dale Gribble
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Quotes for
Dale Gribble (Character)
from "King of the Hill" (1997)

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"King of the Hill: Dog Dale Afternoon (#3.20)" (1999)
Hank Hill: [to Dale] You're not touching my mower ever again, you left it out in the street where any weirdo could just brush up against it!
Dale Gribble: Hank, what would weirdos be doing near the gas station?
[suspicious]
Dale Gribble: What would weirdos be doing near the gas station...?

Dale Gribble: Gentlemen,say hello to the Allegro X9J, code name "Redeemer" at the Mason mower skunkworks in Sidemount Hood. 73 decibels of twin-barrel four-stroke war cry, all at a price I can't really afford.

Dale Gribble: That is a water-tight seal. I can mow my lawn in a hurricane. Can you mow your lawn in a hurricane, Bill?
Bill Dauterive: I don't know
Dale Gribble: You can't mow your lawn in a hurricane!, Can you, Boomhauer?
Boomhauer: I tell you what, man, if I got that pause-trackin' goin' on, a little choke-hold, I...
Dale Gribble: [interrupts him] Bullcorn!
[as the garage door closes]
Dale Gribble: Oh, almost forgot: Hank can you mow your lawn in a hurricane nope didn't think so ha ha ha ha!

Dale Gribble: [to Hank] You know, you used to be on my list of trustables, and it was a very short list, I wasn't even on it, but now, I just don't know. I guess you're not my friend.
Hank Hill: Dale, if I could do it again, I'd... hey, what the heck is that? I am too your friend, I'm as good a friend as a weirdo like you is ever going to have.

Dale Gribble: One shot on the way down eliminates the Gribble problem, then the Cuban robot soldiers have only Steve Wynn standing between them and Wichita.
Hank Hill: Dale, there are no robots and there are no Cubans!
Dale Gribble: If there are no Cubans, how do you account for Desi Arnaz?

Dale Gribble: [Spying him crawling through Nancy's bedroom window] I know what you're here for.
John Redcorn: Dale, this isn't how I wanted you to find out!
Dale Gribble: Quit screwing around with my mower!
John Redcorn: You've got to be kidding
Dale Gribble: I don't kid about my mower, now get inside and start massaging my wife!
John Redcorn: [to Nancy] He's taking some of the fun out of this

Boomhauer: Hey, yo, Dale, what you doin' up there, man... talkin' 'bout goin' crazy, man... come on down, man...
Dale Gribble: Boomhauer, if I ever heard anyone reading a script, that was it.

Dale Gribble: If you're going to shoot me, I want Bobby Hill to take the shot, because he'll put me down clean.
Bobby Hill: Okay!
[tries to take a gun from a police officer]

Dale Gribble: [after Hank's been shot] Oh God Hank you're dying, I'll never forget you, I will bury you in my backyard, I'll dedicate my life to propane, and don't you worry about Peggy - I'll keep Bill away from her.
Hank Hill: [recovers] I'm fine, Dale, but if you're serious about the propane, I've got some pamphlets...
Dale Gribble: You're fine!
[unbuttons Hank's shirt]
Dale Gribble: You were wearing a bulletproof vest, you thought I was gonna shoot you.
Hank Hill: Well, that or spray me with poisonous chemicals. I thought you'd kill yourself right after.
Dale Gribble: I would have, too.

Dale Gribble: I'd like to live in your fairy-tale world, Hank, but the Fair Play For Cuba Committee is retro-fitting my mower to power Fidel's one-man escape sub.

Hank: Dale, there are no robots and there are no Cubans.
Dale Gribble: If there are no Cubans, how do you account for Desi Arnaz?

Hank: Dale, get down here before someone gets hurt.
Dale Gribble: Too late. I killed Shackleford!
[the police gasp]
Dale Gribble: No, no, correction - Shackleford wants a pizza.

Dale Gribble: [Negotiating with the SWAT team which points shotguns at him] And I want my mower back with enough gas to get to Canada


"King of the Hill: A Fire-fighting We Will Go (#3.10)" (1999)
Hank Hill: [Tired of hearing them playing ping pong] Guys knock it off I'm trying to sleep!,
[Fed up]
Hank Hill: Ok that tears it!,
[Takes the ball and steps on it]
Hank Hill: There problem solved!
Bill Dauterive: [Takes Hank's glasses and steps on them] There problem solved!
Hank Hill: Damn you Bill that was my only pair of glasses!
Dale Gribble: Damn you Hank that was our only ball!

Dale Gribble: My name is Shackelford, Rusty Shackelford, I refuse to speak without my attorney present,
[stands, takes off his hat]
Dale Gribble: I am Mr. Shackelford's attorney, Rusty Shackelford, My client pleads insanity.
Bill Dauterive: My name is Dauterive comma Bill, I am also insane.

Boomhauer: [Telling his side of the story] You want the dang ol' truth?, man I'll tell you the dang ol' truth, yeah you see, man it happened a little something like this yo.
Dale Gribble: [Messing with the smoke detector while talking just like Boomhauer] Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.
[Spots Hank]
Dale Gribble: Geh!
Hank Hill: [Also talking like Boomhauer] Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kick your dang ol' ass, man.
Boomhauer: [Talking slowly and normally] For God's sake, Hank, act like an adult, And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.
Bill Dauterive: [Talking like Boomhauer] Dang ol' pretty, pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.

Dale Gribble: Whatcha got under the foil, Mr. Party Pooper? Some party poop?

[Bill steps on Hank's glasses after Hank steps on his ping pong ball]
Hank: Dammit, Bill, those were my only pair of glasses!
Dale Gribble: Dang it, Hank, that was our only ball.
[Throws a hot Frito pie at Hank, but misses and hits Bill]
Boomhauer: Hey man, I was dang ol' scarfing on that, man.
Bill Dauterive: My face hurts.
Hank: And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it.

Fire Chief: So it was you guys that busted that hydrant? We got an anonymous call that some kids did it.
Dale Gribble: I gave you names.

Hank: Would y'all just go to bed.
Dale: It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
Hank: What did I tell you about talking to me?

Hank Hill: [Finishing up his part of the story of how the firehouse burned down] Wait a minute I remember seeing some kind of yellow light in the mirror, I know what caused the fire somebody plugged in that stupid Alamo Beer sign, and I'll tell you who that somebody had to be
[Dale starts to cry because he was the guilty one]
Hank Hill: that somebody had to be... Chet Elderson.
Dale Gribble: I did not... Chet Elderson!
Hank Hill: Yep Chet was always trying to plug it in, he loved that sign but the dang thing didn't work right, it threw off sparks and well it was just a real fire hazard, isn't that right Dale?
Dale Gribble: Uh, yes Chet Elderson must've plugged that sign in last time he was at the station, what a moron, may he, may he rest in peace... right Bill?
Bill Dauterive: Right, yeah it sounds like Chet.
[Hank and Dale nod]
Boomhauer: I'll tell you what man don't you go dragging ol' Chet's name through the mud man, Dale's the one who did it man you know, dang ol' leave ol' Chet alone man.
Heck Dorland: So each and everyone of you believes that Chet Elderson is the started that fire?
[Everyone nods except for Bommhauer who groans]
Heck Dorland: Well it doesn't surprise me, I told him half a dozen times not to plug in that sign.


"King of the Hill: The Exterminator (#5.14)" (2001)
Dale Gribble: [to Joseph] You keep this up Joseph and you're fired from this family!
Nancy Hicks Gribble: Dale!
Dale Gribble: [to Nancy] You're next Blondie

Nancy Hicks Gribble: You're too sick to exterminate shug!
Dale Gribble: I'll tell you the same thing I told that doctor, I'm not quitting you incompetent quack!

Dale Gribble: I have more pressure than any of you, you every try replacing a cockroach's blood with root beer?
Hank Hill: You know I haven't
Dale Gribble: Then don't judge me.

Joseph Gribble: Hey dad you want to help me out with my science project?
Joseph Gribble: [angrily] Up yours Joseph!
Nancy Hicks Gribble: Dale!
Dale Gribble: Sorry, son, that's the coffee talking, and the fluorescent lighting, and the excruciating headache!
Nancy Hicks Gribble: Make some time for the roaches, shug.
Dale Gribble: We'd all love to make time for roaches, but in the real world, people have to spend all night reconciling invoices or Miss Pittman won't let them wear Chinos and a knit shirt next Friday!

Dale Gribble: [after getting the suit covered in cockroach guts] Good news Joseph, you can have you suit back.

Dale Gribble: Now if you excuse me I've got some love to give,
[to Nancy]
Dale Gribble: and some love to make

Dale Gribble: They're not recognizing me as their maternal influence! The project has gone horribly awry! Joseph, get me some poison!
Joseph Gribble: But dad you're not supposed to inhale anymore poison!
Dale Gribble: Damn it! Why are there so many ways to kill a human, but only one way to kill a bug?,
[thinks for a moment]
Dale Gribble: hold that thought
[starts killing roaches left and right]


"King of the Hill: Tankin' It to the Streets (#6.13)" (2002)
Dale Gribble: Ohhhh I am sooo impressed! Have you also downloaded the classified instruction manual for this tank from Vladimir Putin's website, took a correspondence course in Russian, translated the manual, memorized it, and eaten it? Have you Hank? Putin?

Dale Gribble: Based on what I know about Bill - and cover-ups - I'd say the Army used him in their attempted assassination of boxing promoter Bob Arum.
Bill Dauterive: Is he right, Hank?
Hank Hill: Has be ever been right, Bill?
Dale Gribble: You don't have to answer that.

Dale Gribble: What are you asking Bill for? The Army destroyed all his brain cells with their deadly placebo drug. No wonder he's an ignoranus.
Bill Dauterive: What did you say?
Dale Gribble: Ignoranus! It means stupid, you moron!
Hank Hill: Dale, you said placebo.
Dale Gribble: Yeah, I read it in Bill's file. That was the name of the drug they gave him. Pla-ce-bo. I think it's made by Puh-fizer.
Hank Hill: Dale, you're the moron! A placebo is a fake drug. They shot Bill full of sugar water.

Dale Gribble: Choosing life!


"King of the Hill: To Kill a Ladybird (#4.9)" (1999)
Dale Gribble: [to Hank and Bobby] You thought you could just waltz up and kill me, well so did he!
[Points at a frog impaled on a stick]

Dale Gribble: My rabies have taken a turn for the worse, I fear I am going mad!
[His shelter collapses]
Dale Gribble: memo to myself need nails for shelter,
[looks inside the tape recorder]
Dale Gribble: , memo to myself need batteries for tape recorder,
[angrily tosses it into a tree breaking it]
Dale Gribble: memo to myself need new tape recorder.

Dale Gribble: [to Hank while hallucinating] How can you be speaking to me when there's a million little bugs crawling around inside your mouth?

Dale Gribble: [to Hank and Bobby] So long suckers!
[jumps out of a tree]
Dale Gribble: ,
[while on the ground]
Dale Gribble: Hank I can see your house from up here!


"King of the Hill: Texas City Twister (#2.2)" (1997)
Dale Gribble: You know how the Egyptians tipped over the pyramids? A rope, a cinderblock and 50,000 Hebrew slaves. Do you have a cinder block?
Bill Dauterive: I could get you a tank form the Army base. There's nothing better for pushing... except for a bulldozer, but they lock those up.

Dale Gribble: This tornado's already at level two on the Fujisaki scale. A storm that strong can send an egg through a barn door. Two if one door is open.
Bobby Hill: What does a level three do, Mr. Gribble?
Dale Gribble: A level three can send an egg through a brick wall. Tornado chasers call it Humpty's Revenge.

Dale Gribble: This is no time for jokes, Boomhauer. This tornado's already classified level at 2 on the Fujisaki scale. Storm that strong'll send an egg through a barn door. Two barn doors if one of 'em's open.
Bobby Hill: What will a level three do, Mr. Gribble?
Dale Gribble: Level three will send an egg through a *brick wall*. Tornado chasers call it "Humpty's Revenge".


"King of the Hill: Soldier of Misfortune (#6.2)" (2001)
Hank: Dang it, Dale. Mad Dog is not Mr. Big, I am Mr. Big.
Dale Gribble: [long pause] No you're not.
Hank: [In Mr. Big's voice] I AM Mr. Big.
Dale Gribble: [gasping in horror] But... I've known you since the second grade! When... when did this happen? First grade?

Dale Gribble: Oh, God, I'm a dead man. If you guys are seen with me, Mr. Big will kill you too! So get out of here. Hank, Boomhauer, you got a lot to live for! Bill, you can stay or go, doesn't matter. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Hank: Dale, what are you doing?
Dale Gribble: I'm going to kill Mr. Big before he kills us!
[Drives off]
Bill Dauterive: [Running to Hank] Mr. Big's gonna kill us!

Dale Gribble: [Throwing sand from his pocket while fighting over the brief case] Pocket sand!


"King of the Hill: Untitled Blake McCormick Project (#12.12)" (2008)
Dale: A woman who's perfect for Bill.
[shudders]
Dale: That's a disturbing thought.

Bill: I hate kids. Well, not all kids. Just the ones that are around all the time. Bill Cosby made it look so easy, and I fell for it.
Dale: We all fell for it!

Dale: Do you have any idea what it's like watching an idiot raise your child?
John Redcorn: Yes. It's very difficult watching an idiot raise your child.


"King of the Hill: Not in My Back Hoe (#4.8)" (1999)
Dale Gribble: [Speaking into a tape recorder] 10:15 Hank picks up Hal
Bill Dauterive: [Yawning] What?
Dale Gribble: [Plays back tape] 10:15 Hank picks up Hal
Bill Dauterive: [On the tape] What?
Dale Gribble: [Angry] I SAID 10:15 HANK PICKS UP HAL!, Jeez.

Hank Hill: [Spots Bill and Dale standing in the alley at night and drunk] What are you guys doing?
Dale Gribble: Oh so you care what we're doing, do you?
Bill Dauterive: [slurring his speech] Oh he doesn't care
Dale Gribble: You said you'd be back in a minute, we waited a minute then we waited another
Bill Dauterive: Then after about a million minutes... I forgot why I was counting
Hank Hill: Well what's the big deal you don't get upset when I come home late from work!
Dale Gribble: One we get very upset when you work late and two you were out with "him".
Bill Dauterive: Didn't you think Peggy might be worried, you being gone so long!
Hank Hill: I called her!

Dale Gribble: That was our project!
Hank Hill: You should be thanking me, Hal worked that back hoe so fast we're gonna save a couple days rental
Bill Dauterive: Yeah and with the money you saved you can buy your friend Hal a dozen roses!
Dale Gribble: Now you're buying him roses?, that's it Hank it's us or "Him"
Hank Hill: [sighing] You can't make me choose
Bill Dauterive: Us or him!
Hank Hill: Alright "him".
Bill Dauterive: ''Him'' means Hal you know, that's the way we phrased the question
[Hank sighs in annoyance]


"King of the Hill: Girl, You'll Be a Giant Soon (#8.18)" (2004)
Hank Hill: [angry] Propane is excluded from the Texas State Fair!
Boomhauer: [uninterested] Mmhmm
Hank Hill: Boomhauer are you insane? I just told you they excluded propane!
[Boomhauer looks at him then looks away]
Hank Hill: [looks at Bill and Dale who look nervously at him] You too? First Bobby and now you guys, where's the outrage?
Dale Gribble: Rules are rules Hank, without rules there would be chaos, that's why we no longer visit the public pool
Hank Hill: But this is blatantly unfair!
Bill Dauterive: [sarcastically] Yeah poor, poor Hank with his wife and his son and his... hair
[mockingly]
Bill Dauterive: Nobody will let him grill with propane!
[Hank leaves in disappointment]

Dale Gribble: [watching Hank bond with Luann over his proposal to get propane back at the state fair] That could've been us protesting for propane with Hank right now, gentlemen we dodged a very boring bullet
Boomhauer: I love old Hank man but my god dang man, all he ever talks about is
[mocks Hank]
Boomhauer: propane, propane, propane man, dang ol' you know about time we talk about I do for a living man
Bill Dauterive: Poor Bobby being replaced by Luann, my dad replaced me with tv and the bottle, hey we should let Bobby hang with us, seems the least we could do
Dale Gribble: Now when we ask him try not to seem too needy, and if he says no pretend like we didn't want him anyway


"King of the Hill: Serves Me Right for Giving General George S. Patton the Bathroom Key (#13.15)" (2009)
Bill Dauterive: You are going to pick up the can, aren't you, Dale?
Dale Gribble: Maybe I will, and maybe I won't. We call that suspense.

Bill Dauterive: I don't know, Hank. Patton's toilet is one of the three places I would like to get flushed down, along with where Elvis died and yours.
Dale Gribble: I want my skeleton disassembled and shipped to Singapore to be resembled.


"King of the Hill: Bill, Bulk and the Body Buddies (#11.11)" (2007)
Dale Gribble: Poor Bill. Too fat to work out, not fat enough to stay in bed.

Dale Gribble: What is a pump and why do you want to maximize it?


"King of the Hill: Nancy Does Dallas (#13.13)" (2009)
Joseph Gribble: It's too cold. I can't feel my baby finger.
Dale Gribble: Are you supposed to feel your baby finger?

Dale Gribble: [to Bobby riding his bicycle] Vengeance will be mine!
[Bobby rides up to him]
Dale Gribble: Retracted.


"King of the Hill: Lucky See, Monkey Do (#13.8)" (2009)
Dale: So Bill's taking a solo drive across the desert. How much of Bill's body do you think vultures will refuse to eat?

Dale: It's amazing. To a baby, anything could be a weapon. For instance, this weapon.


"King of the Hill: Lady and Gentrification (#12.14)" (2008)
Dale: Don't go to a quinceañera, Hank. Do you know what happens in those things? They sacrifice the oldest woman in the room to make room for the new, younger woman.

Hank Hill: Enrique's neighborhood sure has changed fast, I tell you what. All these "artists" have started moving in. They all look the same, all skinny and walk real slowly.
Dale: The people you are referring to are called hipsters, Hank. They walk slowly because they've got nowhere to be, man.


"King of the Hill: Hank's Got the Willies (#1.4)" (1997)
Dale: Oh my God, I'm out of cigs.
Bobby Hill: Mr. Gribble, who is your number one favorite hero?
Dale: You are if you get me some smokes.

Hank Hill: [hearing a strange sound] What is that chinging sound?
Dale: One of those stealth helicopters with computerized noise-canceling capability. They're still working the chings out.
Bill Dauterive: How'd you know about the stealth helicopters?
Dale: alt.conspiracy.black.helicopters
Boomhauer: Yeah man, I tell you what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.


"King of the Hill: Pretty, Pretty Dresses (#3.9)" (1998)
Bill Dauterive: Dale I have to tinkle
Dale Gribble: Not on my watch!
[cocks a shotgun]

Dale Gribble: Come on you know you're Bill!
Bill Dauterive: [in a falsetto voice] No, no, I don't know that, I'm Lenore.
Dale Gribble: Well, if you're Lenore, then where's Bill?
[laughs]
Bill Dauterive: [in the falsetto voice] Uh, Bill's in the house, Want me to go get him?
Dale Gribble: I'm skeptical that you could, yet intrigued that you may


"King of the Hill: The Accidental Terrorist (#12.13)" (2008)
Hank Hill: Peggy wants to buy a convertible.
Dale: She knows you're a heterosexual, right?
Hank Hill: It's not like I'll ever be seen driving it.
Bill: But it will be in your driveway.
Hank Hill: Hmm, you're right. I haven't thought of that.

Hank Hill: I'm a chump. There, I said it.
Dale: That's it! I'm putting you on suicide watch.
Hank Hill: I'm not going to kill yourself.
Dale: Then I'm putting you on homicide watch, because you're going to kill something, and it'll probably be me.


"King of the Hill: Movin' on Up (#4.16)" (2000)
Dale Gribble: [disguised quite poorly as a repairman who is supposed to be deaf] I couldn't help but overhear your uncle's bad advice
Luanne Platter: What?
Dale Gribble: [Removing his fake mustache] Aha shi-shi-sha!, it is I Dale Gribble master of a thousand faces you've just met face number two the deaf electrician!,the only thing your roommates i.e. enemies will understand is fear, i.e. psychological warfare, i.e dirty tricks, it worked for Dick Nixon.
Luanne Platter: Well, but...
Dale Gribble: [Interrupting her] For example get a hold of some goat's blood, taint that blood, then when your roommates need blood give them the tainted goat's blood, it's the perfect plan.
Luanne Platter: I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want them to do the dishes.
Dale Gribble: Oh, well in that case stack the dishes in the shower that's the way Nancy get's me to do 'em.

Hank Hill: Dale, for the last time, I can't turn in this rental application without your social security number.
Dale Gribble: Fine: 5-5-5-5-5.
Hank Hill: [sighs] That's not even enough numbers.
Dale Gribble: 5... 5


"King of the Hill: Behind Closed Doors (#12.15)" (2008)
Dale: [has a keyboard in the alley] I have decided to add musical accompaniment to liven up our conversation.
Hank Hill: I don't know. Conversation is already pretty good. We don't need any livening up.
Dale: Allow me to demonstrate. I was going to have a beer, but the tab broke.
[Plays dramatic sting]
Dale: But then I took out my pocket knife, and now my beer tastes like my back pocket.
[Plays fanfare]
Bill: Wow! You really made that come to life.
Dale: Good luck following that, Boomhauer.

Dale: Wanna hear your theme song, Hank?
[plays heavy metal riff]
Dale: I'm kidding. Here's your theme song.
[plays honky-tonk tune]
Dale: No, this is.
[plays harp arpegio]
Dale: Ha ha ha! Seriously, that is your theme.
Bill: Ooh, play my theme song!
[Dale plays comical theme with sound effects]
Bill: That is so me!


"King of the Hill: Nancy Boys (#4.21)" (2000)
Dale Gribble: [leaving J. Redcorn's house] I got a weird vibe in there. Do you think he's gay?

Dale Gribble: I was down at the ah... nnn... Gun Club! Playing Russian roulette.
Nancy Hicks Gribble: Did you win?
Dale Gribble: Not too familiar with the game, are you?


"King of the Hill: The Texas Skilsaw Massacre (#7.7)" (2002)
Hank: You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!
Big Jim: Ha ha, that's telling him.
Hank: 'Felt good, too.
Dale Gribble: Back off, Hank, or Octavio will mess you up.
Octavio: Dale, I don't care if he stays or goes. Where's the money you owe me, esse?
Dale Gribble: You heard him.
Big Jim: Take your best shot, Cochise. I love two things: building doll house furniture and kicking ass. And I don't see any doll houses 'round here. You see any doll houses, Hank?
[Hank shakes his head]
Big Jim: No you don't, that's right! And what are you looking at, sport? Don't you eyeball me! Don't you eyeball a JUNKYARD DOG! ARF! ARF! ARF! NOW YOU GOT THE DOG BARKING! YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT! ARF! ARF!
[yells, bellows, suddenly grabs his chest and keels over]

Judge: Mr. Gribble alleges that you intentionally severed his finger.
Hank: Your Honor it was an accident!, we're wasting valuable legal resources here.
Dale Gribble: Objection, conjecture, objecture!
Hank: That's not a word!
Judge: Mr. Hill please control your outbursts!


"King of the Hill: Trans-Fascism (#12.11)" (2008)
Dale: Sometimes I wish the government would just ban itself. Wrap your heads around that, fellas.

Dale: I can't stand it! I gotta have a raw oyster! I never wanted them before, but now that they're contraband, I can't resist them!


"King of the Hill: Born Again on the Fourth of July (#13.14)" (2009)
Dale: Now is the time to mold Bobby's mind while the material is still soft. In Bobby's case, exceptionally soft.

Dale: You could have bunting for days and hot dogs that plump up to the size of footballs, it's all about the sky candy.


"King of the Hill: The Trouble with Gribbles (#5.18)" (2001)
Dale Gribble: [fake forced crying to 'Smoking Sammy Salmon'] My horrifyingly grotesque wife is leaving me because of my smoking.
[fake crying]

Dale Gribble: [to 'Smokin Sammy Salmon' bug] Nancy dearest, your smoke ravaged face is making me nauseous. Would you mind putting this Kroger bag over your head so I can make love to you?


"King of the Hill: What Happens at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis Stays at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis (#13.9)" (2009)
Dale: You want to keep Buck Strickland away from his bastard son. Admit it, Hank, you're jealous. You want to be the bastard son Buck thought he never had but apparently did.
Hank Hill: That's ridiculous. Why would I want to be Buck's son, when I'm his assistant manager?
Dale: Translation: love me, daddy!

Dale: [to Hank at the bar] Long Island ice tea? I can't believe those words came out of your mouth. Or did you point at the menu? Tell me how it all went down.


"King of the Hill: Hilloween (#2.4)" (1997)
[Explaining his Halloween costume]
Dale: I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist peddling influence... Who wants candy?


"King of the Hill: Megalo Dale (#7.10)" (2003)
[Dale got an anti-infestation job at a local store and calls Hank]
Hank: So, how's the job going. Did you find the rats yet?
Dale: It's not rats.
Hank: It's not?
Dale: No. I'm gonna have to spend the night here.
Hank: If it's not rats, what is it?
Dale: I don't have time to explain, but it's Chuck Mangione.


"King of the Hill: Three Days of the Kahndo (#2.15)" (1998)
Hank: This river is filthy. Look at this, underwear floating around.
Dale Gribble: [Off camera] Uh, Hank, a little help here?


"King of the Hill: It's Not Easy Being Green (#5.17)" (2001)
Bobby Hill: I thought you said that tree-huggers like me and Mr. McKay were a bunch of noodle-brained Communists.
Hank Hill: No! No! Heh-heh. No, no, no! Heh-heh. No.
Bobby Hill: This is great! I'm gonna get extra credit for bringing you all on board! We're gonna save itchy algae!
Hank Hill: Yeah! Itchy algae!
Dale Gribble: Earth first, make Mars our bitch!


"King of the Hill: That's What She Said (#8.10)" (2004)
Dale Gribble: Quitting smoking is the best thing I've ever done. Check this out.
[Does jumping jacks; after a couple, he starts coughing and collapses on the ground]
Dale Gribble: See? Two weeks ago, that would have killed me.


"King of the Hill: Pilot (#1.1)" (1997)
[Working on Hank's pickup truck]
Dale: You know what the problem is? It's a Ford. You know what Ford stands for? Fix It Again Tony.
Hank: Dale, that's a Fiat.


"King of the Hill: The Order of the Straight Arrow (#1.3)" (1997)
Joseph Gribble: Dad, can me and Bobby bring life preservers?
Dale Gribble: If you wanna be sissies.
Joseph Gribble: [to Bobby and the other boys] He said yes.


"King of the Hill: The Fat and the Furious (#7.2)" (2002)
Dale Gribble: [about Bill in the eating contest] Behold the great American fatass, gorging on the lips and anuses of his brethren!


"King of the Hill: Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men (#3.7)" (1998)
Jonathan: [Asking Dale about the mower] How about you Rusty?
[Dale doesn't respond]
Jonathan: Rusty?
Bill Dauterive: [Nudging Dale] Rusty!
Dale Gribble: Oh Shackleford, yes I am pro mower!
Hank Hill: What?
Dale Gribble: I like the ashtray.
Hank Hill: Don't be an idiot Dale that's the gas cap!
Cotton Hill: He's an idiot he can use it however he wants!
Dale Gribble: Thank you Colonel!
[Hank sighs]


"King of the Hill: Meet the Manger Babies (#2.12)" (1998)
Dale Gribble: Hank if I wanted to spend Super Bowl Sunday watching my wife, I would have married Fran Tarkenton.


"King of the Hill: Hank's Cowboy Movie (#3.19)" (1999)
Dale Gribble: [Hank tells Dale to move his bug truck out of a movie they made to bring the Cowboys to Arlen] You think that's all I do? I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennesse walking horse that was looking at me funny.


"King of the Hill: Bobby Goes Nuts (#6.1)" (2001)
Bill Dauterive: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.
[Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin]
Dale Gribble: Be careful what you wish for.


"King of the Hill: Phish and Wildlife (#8.12)" (2004)
Hank Hill: You guys can't leave now. What kind of lesson is that for Bobby?
Dale Gribble: A good one. He can learn from our bad example.


"King of the Hill: Peggy's Gone to Pots (#11.9)" (2007)
Dale Gribble: Get off my property whoever I am!


"King of the Hill: Queasy Rider (#7.13)" (2003)
Dale Gribble: Although, I guess if we root for the Texans, it doesn't mean we'd have to stop rooting for the Cowboys
Hank Hill: Well, they are in different conferences. So, it'd only be a problem if they played in the Super Bowl. An all Texas Super Bowl... His will be done.


"King of the Hill: King of the Ant Hill (#1.11)" (1997)
Hank: You're the only one who can save my lawn, Dale.
Dale Gribble: You're right, I am. The question is - why should I?
Hank: I'll give you two dollars.
Dale Gribble: Pffft. Ha! Two dollars?
Hank: Because you're my friend.
Dale Gribble: Oooooooo! I'm Hank's friend! Tie a ribbon around me!
Hank: Because I'm coming to you man to man offering you a genuine apology for choosing a lawn over a lifetime of friendship.
Dale Gribble: Geez, Hank. I was only holding out for $2.50.


"King of the Hill: When Joseph Met Lori and Made Out with Her in the Janitor's Closet (#13.23)" (2010)
Dale Gribble: There is no such thing as love, it's just a chemical produced by accident in the labs of DuPont when they were trying to invent those spatchulas that won't melt.


"King of the Hill: Three Coaches and a Bobby (#3.12)" (1999)
Dale Gribble: You're not being paid to screw up.
Coach: I'm not being paid at all. In fact I still haven't been reembursed for last week's pizzas. Oh, and
[near tears]
Coach: and if you guys aren't too busy, could you please just go to hell?


"King of the Hill: Happy Hank's Giving (#4.7)" (1999)
Joseph Gribble: How long are you going to be in Arizona, Mr Redcorn?
John Redcorn: [an American Indian] Just for Thanksgiving weekend.
Dale Gribble: Do your people even celebrate Thanksgiving?
John Redcorn: We did. Once.


"King of the Hill: Square-Footed Monster (#13.3)" (2008)
Dale Gribble: [Watching a Port-A-Potty being drained] It's man's most disgusting act in reverse!


"King of the Hill: To Spank with Love (#3.11)" (1999)
Dale Gribble: [to Hank] My son is dreaming about getting spanked by your wife.
Bill Dauterive: Well, that's not so unusual.


"King of the Hill: Sug Night (#6.19)" (2002)
Dale: [throwing a knife and hitting a mannequin] Get away from my wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you.


"King of the Hill: Doggone Crazy (#12.10)" (2008)
Dale: I too am on more lists than I care to mention. Lists on the CIA, the FBI, L.L. Bean...


"King of the Hill: It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Neighbor Sings (#9.15)" (2005)
Dale: Bill! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing? That outfit makes you look like sequined train wreck! LOOK at you! You're part of a twelve-headed jack ass! This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the deaf and the blind! Underwear! Money! Fat!
[collapses to the floor]


"King of the Hill: Dale to the Chief (#9.5)" (2005)
Dale Gribble: [threatening a Texas DPS clerk] I am your worst nightmare! I have a three-line phone and plenty of time to kill!


"King of the Hill: Hank's Back (#8.20)" (2004)
Dale Gribble: Your shoes are untied.
Bill Dauterive: How embarrassing, I thought I removed the laces from these shoes.


"King of the Hill: Uncool Customer (#13.12)" (2009)
Dale Gribble: [after they get a table at the Arlen Barn] That pregnant woman was fast, but we wanted it more.


"King of the Hill: Escape from Party Island (#3.17)" (1999)
Dale Gribble: Enjoy your trip to the miniature museum, Hank. Hope you can fit inside!


"King of the Hill: Joust Like a Woman (#6.8)" (2002)
Dale Gribble: In the Middle Ages, there was an orderly procedure for the dispensation of the wife unlike in today's gynocracy. Ownership goes from the son to the dog to the best friend. Bobby's too young, Ladybird's too old I already own a wife Boomhauer doesn't have the time so Bill, this could be your in.
Bill Dauterive: Don't worry Peggy, I'll take care of you.
Peggy Hill: That is as unnecessary as it is repulsive.


"King of the Hill: Of Mice and Little Green Men (#6.14)" (2002)
[Dale thinks his son is an alien]
Dale Gribble: You're like E.T... Only he was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only part alien, and at times can be self-absorbed.


"King of the Hill: Chasing Bobby (#5.9)" (2001)
Dale Gribble: Knock, knock.
Bill Dauterive: Who's there?
Dale Gribble: Boo
Bill Dauterive: Boo who?
Dale Gribble: [mocking Hank's crying at the movie] Boo hoo Hank waah!
Hank: Shut up Dale!


"King of the Hill: Life in the Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga (#2.21)" (1998)
Dale Gribble: [Looks at the pace car] It's nice but where are the cigarette ads?
Hank: [Spots Dale Earnhardt] Hey look it's Dale Earnhardt and he's coming this way!
Bill Dauterive: [Nervous] Oh, it's "The Intimidater"!
[laughs and runs away]
Boomhauer: [to Dale Earnhardt] Hey man remember that dang old terra third turn in Arlington man?, just turned loose man just made it, woo hoo dog!, I'll tell you what!
Dale Earnhardt: Man this rope sure is soft and pretty, I noticed it when we unloaded my car


"King of the Hill: Jumpin' Crack Bass (#2.5)" (1997)
Hank Hill: Dale, you giblet-head, if you were gonna cheat, why'd you buy a frozen bass?
Dale Gribble: I had a coupon for it.


"King of the Hill: Lost in MySpace (#13.4)" (2008)
Dale Gribble: Face-to-face interfacing is obsolete. There's over 400 expressions that you can make with symbols online. You can only make two expressions with your face, Hank.


"King of the Hill: Wings of the Dope (#3.23)" (1999)
Hank: What's this? It's a letter. "From the Desk of Buckley's Angel". Let's see here... "Dear Bill, Boomhauer and Dale, I have been unable to find a woman for Bill. Any woman. Or a crank shaft from a 1968 Dodge. And the porthole to Hell is actually located in Hank's garage near all of his tools and should be avoided by anyone afraid of the porthole to Hell." Well, that's that. Goodbye, Buckley's Angel.
Dale Gribble: Goodbye, Buckley's Ang... Hold the phone. Let me see that letter.
Bill Dauterive: [Gasps] That's not Buckley's handwriting. Hank!
[Hank turns the hose on them]


"King of the Hill: Maid in Arlen (#7.22)" (2003)
Dale Gribble: You can't take a pigeon to the theater, Bill.


"King of the Hill: Hanky Panky: Part 1 (#4.13)" (2000)
Hank Hill: Dale give me a cigarette.
Dale Gribble: But I thought you quit because "cigarettes cause death"... they do you know
[hands him a pack]
Dale Gribble: brace yourself.