Cotton Hill
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Quotes for
Cotton Hill (Character)
from "King of the Hill" (1997)

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"King of the Hill: Revenge of the Lutefisk (#3.21)" (1999)
[Cotton has been accused of burning down a church]
Cotton Hill: Here's how it went down: I went to the latrine, but there was already someone in there. I lit a match in self defense, then beat a hasty retreat. The smelly man must have lit the fire after I left. You find the man with the terrible smell, and you've got your arsonist.

Cotton Hill: I spent two weeks in Iwo Jima buried under a pile of dead bodies. The smells I smelled there you could not even imagine. But I will always remember what I smelled in that church. It was a vengeful stink. It was a stink for the ages.

Cotton Hill: I would take a bullet for my grandson, but not in the face. That's how I makes my livings.

Cotton Hill: Gribble! Gribble! Ya gotta help me! They found my girly-bar matches. It's only a matter of time before they accuse me of church burnery!


"King of the Hill: Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men (#3.7)" (1998)
Cotton Hill: [chewing on something with a disgusted look on his face] Tilly did you make this stuffing?, cause it tastes like garbage!
Hank Hill: [embarrassed and worried] Uh, Dad!
Cotton Hill: Did I ever tell you the time she tried to poison me with a baked chicken?
Tilly Hill: [sighing] It was chicken almondine!
Cotton Hill: It was cyanide woman!
Hank Hill: Uh, Dad could you please show Mom some respect while Bobby's in the room?
Cotton Hill: You heard him Bobby, leave the room
[Bobby stand up]
Hank Hill: No sit down Bobby
Bobby Hill: Could you at least respect Grandmom until we get to dessert?
Cotton Hill: Didi's your grandmom too Bobby, your pretty grandmom!
Hank Hill: Dad!
[Tilly sighs]
Bill Dauterive: [Tapping a knife against a glass] To the stuffing, might taste like garbage but it sure fills you up!

Jonathan: [Asking Dale about the mower] How about you Rusty?
[Dale doesn't respond]
Jonathan: Rusty?
Bill Dauterive: [Nudging Dale] Rusty!
Dale Gribble: Oh Shackleford, yes I am pro mower!
Hank Hill: What?
Dale Gribble: I like the ashtray.
Hank Hill: Don't be an idiot Dale that's the gas cap!
Cotton Hill: He's an idiot he can use it however he wants!
Dale Gribble: Thank you Colonel!
[Hank sighs]

Cotton Hill: But as bad as Tilly was in the kitchen, she was EVEN WORSE IN THE BEDROOM!


"King of the Hill: Shins of the Father (#1.8)" (1997)
Cotton Hill: Hey missy! Git me sum samiches!

[at Bobby's birthday party]
Peggy Hill: Good grief, Cotton, you gave him a loaded shotgun?
Cotton Hill: Well, you don't give a toy without batteries.


"King of the Hill: Death Picks Cotton (#12.5)" (2007)
Cotton Hill: I saw the Grim Reaper, and I kicked him in the stones and spit in his eye, and told him it ain't my time yet.

Cotton Hill: [Speaking to Peggy as he lies on his deathbed] This was supposed to happen to you. You're worthless. You're not even good enough to be married to my worthless nothing of a loser son!
Peggy Hill: Enough! Your son has always loved you, despite your constant torture. You want to die alone? Fine. You want to keep coming back and never die? That's fine too. In fact, I hope you do go on living forever as the unhappy person you are in the hell you have created here on earth. I hope you live forever. I really do.
Cotton Hill: Do ya now?
[Cotton dies]


"King of the Hill: The Unbearable Blindness of Laying (#2.11)" (1997)
Cotton Hill: [Hank knocks on the door] You're late!
Hank Hill: Dad it's good to hear your voice
Cotton Hill: Still blind huh? Or are you faking?
[punches him in the stomach]
Cotton Hill: Either you're blind or slow, I'll believe both

Hank Hill: [Cotton picks up a shotgun to shoot down a tree] Dad, I got to take your shoulder here
Cotton Hill: [shoves him away] Hands off girly! I didn't fight off a bunker of horny privates to let you cop a feel.


"King of the Hill: Peggy Hill: The Decline and Fall (#4.1)" (1999)
Cotton Hill: I think I'll name him Hank. I always wanted a son named Hank.
Hank: Dad, MY name is Hank.
Cotton Hill: Then we'll call him "G.H." for "Good Hank!"
Hank: Now that makes it sound like I'm "Bad Hank."

Cotton Hill: I'm going to call this son Hank. I always wanted a son named Hank.
Hank: Dad, my name's Hank.
Cotton Hill: Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm going to call this one Good Hank.
Hank: Dad, you shouldn't call him Good Hank. It makes me sound like Bad Hank.
Cotton Hill: Well ya burned my burger, didn't ya, B.H.


"King of the Hill: An Officer and a Gentle Boy (#7.15)" (2003)
Cotton Hill: In my day the principal was the meanest son of a bitch God ever put on one leg, he'd lean on a desk with both hands and swing his leg at you, then when you were standing there shocked the one legged man would kick you he'd bite you!
[a tear runs down his cheek]
Cotton Hill: oops... well uh... how do ya like that must have over reminisced and brought up my pain water!

Peggy Hill: [to Bobby] I'm not sure what this means but I once heard that if you're stuck in an unpleasant situation it helps to just lie back and think of England
Cotton Hill: [while honking the horn] That's enough Hank's wife, if you've got more feelings to express get in the kitchen and put em in a bunt cake!


"King of the Hill: Square Peg (#1.2)" (1997)
Hank: [thinking about Boomhauer's offer to teach Bobby sex education] I guess I'll do it, my daddy told me the facts of life when I was Bobby's age and I turned out okay
[thinks back to when Cotton took him to a ranch]
Cotton Hill: [showing a young Hank a bull and cow mating while Hank cries] Yee-haw! Hey what ya crying for boy?, this is a good show, this is a damn good show!
Hank: [cut back to the present] Yeah that's also how he taught me about paying taxes


"King of the Hill: Movin' on Up (#4.16)" (2000)
Cotton Hill: [Arriving at what was previously his buddy Pop's house] This place looks terrible!
[Griffin arrives at the door]
Cotton Hill: Hey you ain't Pops!
Griffin: Oh that old guy, yeah he died.
Cotton Hill: Dead?, then I'm arresting you under suspicion of murder, nab him Topsy!
Griffin: [Topsy grabs a hold of him] Hey get your hands off me you Nazi!
Cotton Hill: [Furious] Who are you calling a Nazzy?
[Headbutts him]
Cotton Hill: [He and Topsy attack him and do something to him offscreen] Alright Topsy let's roll!
[leaves]


"King of the Hill: How to Fire a Rifle Without Really Trying (#2.1)" (1997)
Cotton Hill: Sorry I'm late. I had to stop by the wax museum again and give the finger to FDR.


"King of the Hill: Hank's Back Story (#5.19)" (2001)
Cotton Hill: [handling Hank's prosthesis] Good lord, boy! You're wearing butt boobies!