Hank Hill
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Quotes for
Hank Hill (Character)
from "King of the Hill" (1997)

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"King of the Hill: Dog Dale Afternoon (#3.20)" (1999)
Hank Hill: [to Dale] You're not touching my mower ever again, you left it out in the street where any weirdo could just brush up against it!
Dale Gribble: Hank, what would weirdos be doing near the gas station?
Dale Gribble: What would weirdos be doing near the gas station...?

Dale Gribble: [to Hank] You know, you used to be on my list of trustables, and it was a very short list, I wasn't even on it, but now, I just don't know. I guess you're not my friend.
Hank Hill: Dale, if I could do it again, I'd... hey, what the heck is that? I am too your friend, I'm as good a friend as a weirdo like you is ever going to have.

Dale Gribble: One shot on the way down eliminates the Gribble problem, then the Cuban robot soldiers have only Steve Wynn standing between them and Wichita.
Hank Hill: Dale, there are no robots and there are no Cubans!
Dale Gribble: If there are no Cubans, how do you account for Desi Arnaz?

Dale Gribble: [after Hank's been shot] Oh God Hank you're dying, I'll never forget you, I will bury you in my backyard, I'll dedicate my life to propane, and don't you worry about Peggy - I'll keep Bill away from her.
Hank Hill: [recovers] I'm fine, Dale, but if you're serious about the propane, I've got some pamphlets...
Dale Gribble: You're fine!
[unbuttons Hank's shirt]
Dale Gribble: You were wearing a bulletproof vest, you thought I was gonna shoot you.
Hank Hill: Well, that or spray me with poisonous chemicals. I thought you'd kill yourself right after.
Dale Gribble: I would have, too.

Hank: [about Dale] We're putting extra stress on a structure that wasn't up to code in the first place.

Hank: Dale, there are no robots and there are no Cubans.
Dale Gribble: If there are no Cubans, how do you account for Desi Arnaz?

Bill Dauterive: Easy for you to say, it wasn't your naked butt in that picture.
Hank: You took the money.

Hank: Dale, get down here before someone gets hurt.
Dale Gribble: Too late. I killed Shackleford!
[the police gasp]
Dale Gribble: No, no, correction - Shackleford wants a pizza.

"King of the Hill: A Fire-fighting We Will Go (#3.10)" (1999)
Hank Hill: [Tired of hearing them playing ping pong] Guys knock it off I'm trying to sleep!,
[Fed up]
Hank Hill: Ok that tears it!,
[Takes the ball and steps on it]
Hank Hill: There problem solved!
Bill Dauterive: [Takes Hank's glasses and steps on them] There problem solved!
Hank Hill: Damn you Bill that was my only pair of glasses!
Dale Gribble: Damn you Hank that was our only ball!

Bill Dauterive: [after getting hit in the face with a freshly baked pie] Hank my face hurts!
Hank Hill: Well it's going to match your ass after I'm done kicking it!
[chases him]

Boomhauer: [Telling his side of the story] You want the dang ol' truth?, man I'll tell you the dang ol' truth, yeah you see, man it happened a little something like this yo.
Dale Gribble: [Messing with the smoke detector while talking just like Boomhauer] Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.
[Spots Hank]
Dale Gribble: Geh!
Hank Hill: [Also talking like Boomhauer] Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kick your dang ol' ass, man.
Boomhauer: [Talking slowly and normally] For God's sake, Hank, act like an adult, And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.
Bill Dauterive: [Talking like Boomhauer] Dang ol' pretty, pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.

[Bill steps on Hank's glasses after Hank steps on his ping pong ball]
Hank: Dammit, Bill, those were my only pair of glasses!
Dale Gribble: Dang it, Hank, that was our only ball.
[Throws a hot Frito pie at Hank, but misses and hits Bill]
Boomhauer: Hey man, I was dang ol' scarfing on that, man.
Bill Dauterive: My face hurts.
Hank: And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it.

[the fire station has burned down - Hank and the guys are suspects]
Hank: Uh, where do you want us, Chief?
Fire Chief: Back in the grave with Chet Elderson.

Hank: Would y'all just go to bed.
Dale: It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
Hank: What did I tell you about talking to me?

Hank Hill: [Finishing up his part of the story of how the firehouse burned down] Wait a minute I remember seeing some kind of yellow light in the mirror, I know what caused the fire somebody plugged in that stupid Alamo Beer sign, and I'll tell you who that somebody had to be
[Dale starts to cry because he was the guilty one]
Hank Hill: that somebody had to be... Chet Elderson.
Dale Gribble: I did not... Chet Elderson!
Hank Hill: Yep Chet was always trying to plug it in, he loved that sign but the dang thing didn't work right, it threw off sparks and well it was just a real fire hazard, isn't that right Dale?
Dale Gribble: Uh, yes Chet Elderson must've plugged that sign in last time he was at the station, what a moron, may he, may he rest in peace... right Bill?
Bill Dauterive: Right, yeah it sounds like Chet.
[Hank and Dale nod]
Boomhauer: I'll tell you what man don't you go dragging ol' Chet's name through the mud man, Dale's the one who did it man you know, dang ol' leave ol' Chet alone man.
Heck Dorland: So each and everyone of you believes that Chet Elderson is the started that fire?
[Everyone nods except for Bommhauer who groans]
Heck Dorland: Well it doesn't surprise me, I told him half a dozen times not to plug in that sign.

"King of the Hill: Life in the Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga (#2.21)" (1998)
Hank: Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you.

Peggy Hill: Bobby, how would you like to go to cooking school?
Bobby Hill: I'm listening.
Hank: Bobby, I know we've never talked about this, but... someday, I'm going to die. And when that happens, then you can go to cooking school.

Dale Gribble: [Looks at the pace car] It's nice but where are the cigarette ads?
Hank: [Spots Dale Earnhardt] Hey look it's Dale Earnhardt and he's coming this way!
Bill Dauterive: [Nervous] Oh, it's "The Intimidater"!
[laughs and runs away]
Boomhauer: [to Dale Earnhardt] Hey man remember that dang old terra third turn in Arlington man?, just turned loose man just made it, woo hoo dog!, I'll tell you what!
Dale Earnhardt: Man this rope sure is soft and pretty, I noticed it when we unloaded my car

Hank: [Shows Bobby the pace car] So Bobby what do you think?
Bobby Hill: [Feeling the display rope] The rope is soft and pretty
Hank: [sighs] Look at the pace car Bobby, it's what Boomhauer gets to drive if he wins his amateur race.
Bobby Hill: What's a pace car?
Hank: Well it's the car that all the other drivers have to stay behind at the beginning of a race for whenever there's a crash, if Boomhauer wins he'll have the honor of driving on the same track as Dale Earnhardt or as you'd look at it with Jeff Gordon.
Bobby Hill: Jeff Gordon's a race car driver too?, I thought he was just a cereal box model

Bobby Hill: [Hands Hank a check] Hey dad could you please sign this check, I already filled it out for you
Hank: [Reading the check] Pay to the order of the Bike Barn... one hundred and seventy five dollars!
Bobby Hill: It's for a new BMX bike
Hank: You expect me to just sign this?
Bobby Hill: [Disappointed] I think you have to or it doesn't work
Hank: Bobby these checks aren't magic tickets, they represent real money that I and to a lesser extent your mother worked real hard to earn
Bobby Hill: You can ride it whenever you want

Hank: [Explaining the importance of money] The point is you don't just get money because you ask for it, you want to end up like Jeff Gordon?
Bobby Hill: I like Jeff Gordon, he's handsome!
Hank: [Gasps then starts laughing nervously] Bobby you joke around like that in public people are gonna think you ain't right

Hank: Ya know Bobby they say old Buck Strickland started out with nothing but a single dollar bill and now he's at the top of the propane ladder, Bobby here's your dollar let's see what you can turn it into
[Later he comes back and sees Bobby bent over doing something with his back turned]
Hank: What are you doing son, did you use that dollar to start a shoe shining business?
Bobby Hill: [Turns around revealing he's eating a taco] What?
Hank: [Shocked] Bobby!
Bobby Hill: You almost made me drop it!
Hank: This is what you spent your dollar on?
Bobby Hill: No I also got a quesadilla, it's from the value menu

"King of the Hill: Aisle 8A (#4.5)" (1999)
Kahnie: How many cows do you guys eat in a year?
Hank: Hold on, we figured this out once.

Kahnie: I... Uh...
Hank: Huh?
[Connie writes something and gives it to Hank]
Hank: "Mr. Hill, I just got my first period". Aaaahhh!

Hank: [Connie has just gotten her first period] Are you sure about this?
Kahnie: Pretty sure.
Hank: Ugh.
[looks through a medical book]
Hank: Come on, come on... Don't worry, Connie, we're gonna get through this somehow. Okay... Do you have any idea how to tie a tourniquet?

Hank: [after buying Connie tampons] In fact, this is such a little deal that we won't have to talk about it any more.
Kahnie: Now... How do I change one of these things?

Peggy Hill: You tried your best, Hank, but I'im in charge now. You keep trying Minh and Kahn, I'll talk to Connie and then I'll talk to Bobby.
Hank: I don't think Bobby should know about this. It's bad enough I know about this.
Peggy Hill: Do you want to be incharge, Hank?
Hank: No.

Hank: Bobby, every woman has a period... Uh, of time... Every month...
Bobby Hill: Even Mom?
Hank: [sighs] Bobby, if we're gonna get through this, you cannot ask me questions like that.

"King of the Hill: The Wedding of Bobby Hill (#3.14)" (1999)
Bobby Hill: Please, Dad, I don't want to marry Luanne.
Hank: Well, it's a little late for that. You didn't take care of Boomhauer's, you drank beer, you messed with Luanne's lady pills. I ask you, is that responsible behavior?
Bobby Hill: [sighs] No.
Hank: Well, then, having to marry Luanne will be a good lesson for you.

Hank: How do you like that? Peggy, come in here. A camera in the bedroom. This is kinda fun. This is Hank Hill with the news.
Peggy Hill: Hank, you are terrible.

Hank: Luanne, I thought you were smarter than this. I did.

Hank: You can make up for this by marrying Luanne.
Bobby Hill: But I'm only 12 years old.
Hank: Well just think, you can be married for 80 years.
Bobby Hill: Dad, you can't make me marry Luanne.
Hank: Yes, I can. You're only 12 years old.

Bobby Hill: Luanne, I know we've had our differences but I was kinda hoping we could make up and not get married.
Luanne Platter: Uncle Hank, Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me.
Hank: Bobby, you cut that out.

Bill Dauterive: Bobby, do you take this girl to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[Bobby moans]
Hank: That sounded like a ?yes? to me.

"King of the Hill: Pretty, Pretty Dresses (#3.9)" (1998)
Hank: Let me get you a beer.
Bill Dauterive: Beer is a depressant, Hank.
Hank: Don't go blaming the beer.

Hank: [after Bill sticks his head in oven in an attempt of suicide] It's electric, Bill.
Bill Dauterive: Yeah, but it's getting pretty hot.

Bill Dauterive: [walking into Hank and Peggy's bedroom] I had a bad dream, I dreamt Lenore came back and stole Lenore and then Lenore drove off with Lenore and I ran down the street after them and I yelled Lenore!, Lenore! and then my teeth fell out... oh yeah Peggy you were there... can I sleep in your living room?
Hank: [sighing] Yes Bill
Peggy Hill: [to Hank] I'm giving you 24 hours to get me out of that man's dreams!

Hank: Hey who are you?, What are you doing in Bill's backyard?
Bill Dauterive: [wearing a dress and speaking in a falsetto voice] Hank don't you recognize me!, I'm Lenore!
Hank: What is going on?
Bill Dauterive: [in the falsetto voice] Well I'm just washing my dress for your big party silly!
Hank: Bill take off the dress!
Bill Dauterive: [in the falsetto voice] Why do you keep calling me
[speaks in normal voice]
Bill Dauterive: Bill?
[back in the falsetto voice]
Bill Dauterive: My name is Lenore silly, and I've come back because I love Bill so much!, and I really missed him!

Bobby Hill: I'll be the hostess with the most-ess.
Hank: Ohhhhh.

Hank: [Bill is on his roof] What are you doin', Bill? Satellite dish trouble?
Bill Dauterive: Oh no, I'm just up here to kill myself.

"King of the Hill: The Texas Skilsaw Massacre (#7.7)" (2002)
Hank: You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!
Big Jim: Ha ha, that's telling him.
Hank: 'Felt good, too.
Dale Gribble: Back off, Hank, or Octavio will mess you up.
Octavio: Dale, I don't care if he stays or goes. Where's the money you owe me, esse?
Dale Gribble: You heard him.
Big Jim: Take your best shot, Cochise. I love two things: building doll house furniture and kicking ass. And I don't see any doll houses 'round here. You see any doll houses, Hank?
[Hank shakes his head]
Big Jim: No you don't, that's right! And what are you looking at, sport? Don't you eyeball me! Don't you eyeball a JUNKYARD DOG! ARF! ARF! ARF! NOW YOU GOT THE DOG BARKING! YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT! ARF! ARF!
[yells, bellows, suddenly grabs his chest and keels over]

Peggy Hill: [gasps upon seeing Big Jim in coffin] Hank! That is how you look like when you sleep.
[enter flashbacks of Hank losing his temper]
Hank: I'm going to kick your ass!
Hank: You're ass is mine twiggy!
Hank: [gives some anguished sighs in each flashback and even kicks a few people's asses!]
[end flashbacks]

Hank: [upon receiving his anger management diploma] Uh, it says "Hink Hall". You got the 'I' and the 'A' mixed up. This might make it difficult to get my restraining order lifted.
Instructor: I'll bet that really steams your beans doesn't it, Hink?

Hank: Red tag? No! Green tag, green tag.

Hank: I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem.

Judge: Mr. Gribble alleges that you intentionally severed his finger.
Hank: Your Honor it was an accident!, we're wasting valuable legal resources here.
Dale Gribble: Objection, conjecture, objecture!
Hank: That's not a word!
Judge: Mr. Hill please control your outbursts!

"King of the Hill: Born Again on the Fourth of July (#13.14)" (2009)
Hank Hill: What is wrong with you, boy? Why weren't you at church?
Bobby Hill: I *was* getting ready, but I worked up an appetite looking for dress pants, so I ordered a pizza, and that ate up a chunk of time.
Hank Hill: Where'd you get the money?
Peggy Hill: [Bobby glances at Peggy's purse] He stole it! Hank, you check the liquor cabinet. I'll check between his toes for needle marks!

Hank Hill: Stealing money from his own mother's purse? Who does that?
Peggy Hill: Thirteen is that critical age when boys come to a fork in the road. And when Bobby gets there, he might use that fork to kill us.
Hank Hill: Isn't there some prison we can take him to? Make him pee in front of some criminals? That'll scare him straight.

John Redcorn: [Hank buys fireworks from John Redcorn] These sparklers will blow your mind, Hank. When you write in the air, the words will stay there for almost a *second*.
Hank Hill: For the last time, John Redcorn, I am not a narc. Now I've got a stack of twenties and a tarp for the back of my truck. Let's make this happen.
John Redcorn: [John Redcorn pulls out a crate of fireworks] Be careful. Some of these are illegal... in *Mexico*.

Hank Hill: Bobby, would you do me a favor and stand up? I just want to see if you can.

Hank Hill: Bobby, could you help me to put up Fourth of July decorations?
Bobby Hill: To tell you the truth, dad, that sounds boring. It's okay if you're into boring, but I'm not.

Peggy Hill: Hank Hill, is there anything you can't do in this garage?
Hank Hill: I know what I've said about papier mâché in the past, but for the sake of our country, and to shut up Milton Street, I am willing to put aside my contempt.

"King of the Hill: Peggy the Boggle Champ (#1.9)" (1997)
[Hank has a name tag that reads "Mr. Peggy Hill"]
Brent Cobb: Hello there, Peggy Hill. My name's Brent. Cissy Cobb's husband/coach. Nice to meet you, Peggy.
Hank: Well, actually...
Brent Cobb: You don't have to explain. I have an uncle named Leslie, and John Wayne, the Duke himself, was really named Marion.
Hank: You take that back.

Hank: [Peggy was humiliated at the Boggle Tournament] Say, coach used to say something to fire us up when we were behind.
Peggy Hill: What's that?
Hank: [shouting] Loser! You're a loser! Are you feeling sorry for yourself? Well, you should be, cause you're dirt! You make me sick! You big baby! Baby want a bottle? A big dirt bottle?

Hank: You're not dumb. You're smarter than I am.
Peggy Hill: [crying] Big deal.
Hank: Well, you're smarter than anyone at Arlen.
Peggy Hill: Well, whoop-dee-doo! I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbilly Town!

Hank: Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.

Hank: Boggle?

"King of the Hill: Hilloween (#2.4)" (1997)
Hank: You know, Bobby, I'm suddenly reminded of a Bible quote: "Do unto others".

Junie Harper: The complacency of fools will destroy them, Proverbs.
Hank: Get out of my house, Exodus!

Judy Harper: "The complacency of fools will destroy them." Proverbs.
Hank: Get out of my house... Exodus.

Hank: "Eat Wells". "Sugar-Free Low-Fat Fun Bars". Peggy, that stuff isn't for trick-or-treaters, it's for diabetics.

"King of the Hill: Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men (#3.7)" (1998)
Cotton Hill: [chewing on something with a disgusted look on his face] Tilly did you make this stuffing?, cause it tastes like garbage!
Hank Hill: [embarrassed and worried] Uh, Dad!
Cotton Hill: Did I ever tell you the time she tried to poison me with a baked chicken?
Tilly Hill: [sighing] It was chicken almondine!
Cotton Hill: It was cyanide woman!
Hank Hill: Uh, Dad could you please show Mom some respect while Bobby's in the room?
Cotton Hill: You heard him Bobby, leave the room
[Bobby stand up]
Hank Hill: No sit down Bobby
Bobby Hill: Could you at least respect Grandmom until we get to dessert?
Cotton Hill: Didi's your grandmom too Bobby, your pretty grandmom!
Hank Hill: Dad!
[Tilly sighs]
Bill Dauterive: [Tapping a knife against a glass] To the stuffing, might taste like garbage but it sure fills you up!

Jonathan: [Asking Dale about the mower] How about you Rusty?
[Dale doesn't respond]
Jonathan: Rusty?
Bill Dauterive: [Nudging Dale] Rusty!
Dale Gribble: Oh Shackleford, yes I am pro mower!
Hank Hill: What?
Dale Gribble: I like the ashtray.
Hank Hill: Don't be an idiot Dale that's the gas cap!
Cotton Hill: He's an idiot he can use it however he wants!
Dale Gribble: Thank you Colonel!
[Hank sighs]

Jonathan: Well it looks like we're pretty close to a consensus, now if we could discuss the electric seat warmer.
Hank Hill: Why would we need our seat warmed?, that's what pants are for, right Boomhauer?
Boomhauer: I don't know Hank, man dang ol' could get naked on that dang ol' thing man, you know vibrator might feel good man.
Jonathan: [Not understanding him] So you're in favor of the mower Mr. Boomhauer?
Boomhauer: Man you didn't dang ol' listen man.
[Jonathan deletes Boomhauer's comment page]

Peggy Hill: You defended Troy Aikman more than you defended your own mother!
Hank Hill: Mom knows how it is with Dad. And there were six dropped passes, all Troy can do is get it there!

"King of the Hill: Meet the Manger Babies (#2.12)" (1998)
[the TV channel keeps changing for no reason]
Hank: What's going on?
Bill Dauterive: I don't know, but I think this is the part of the movie where we should just get out of the house.

Luanne Platter: [trying to figure out an ending for her puppet show] Oh...! No, that won't work.
Hank: [whispering] They jimmy the lock with a coat hanger.
Luanne Platter: What?
Hank: They jimmy the lock with...
Hank: Uh, I'll save you, Manger Babies.
Luanne Platter: You will?
Hank: Yes. 'Cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories, and you
[the usher]
Hank: are fired!
Luanne Platter: [as puppet] Oh thank you, assistant manager. How can we ever repay you?
Hank: By never forgetting this lesson: sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.

Hank: [Looking at a shopping list] Peggy we're going shopping for the super bowl party not you're feminine items!
[reading the list]
Hank: diet soda.
[crumples up the paper]

Luanne Platter: [trying to figure out an ending for her puppet show] Oh...! No, that won't work.
Hank: [whispering] They jimmy the lock with a coat hanger.
Luanne Platter: What?
Hank: They jimmy the lock with...
Hank: Uh, I'll save you, Manger Babies.
Luanne Platter: You will?
Hank: Yes. 'Cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories, and you
[the usher]
Hank: are fired!
Luanne Platter: [as puppet] Oh thank you, assistant manager. How can we ever repay you?
Hank: By never forgetting this lesson: sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.

"King of the Hill: Nancy Does Dallas (#13.13)" (2009)
Hank Hill: Am I the only one who thinks this story isn't news?
Bill Dauterive: How can you say that after what happened in Drundle?
Hank Hill: Nothing happened in Drundle!
Bill Dauterive: Thank God.

Hank Hill: Nancy, are you sure you want to leave Dale alone with your son? And your house, which you still owe money on?

Hank Hill: I had no idea you could say that word on television, let alone advertise medication for it.

Peggy Hill: That's it! It's Dale.
Hank Hill: Huh?
Peggy Hill: Dale and all his nonsense keep her so busy, she doesn't have the time or energy to be like she was in Dallas.
Hank Hill: So Nancy needs Dale more than Dale needs Nancy. Huh. Weird.

"King of the Hill: Phish and Wildlife (#8.12)" (2004)
Hank Hill: To catch a fish, you must think like a fish.
Bobby Hill: I'm wet and I don't even know it.
Hank Hill: That's not what I mean. Look, where are fish likely to gather? Maybe by that patch of algae.
Bobby Hill: That algae does look pretty good.

Hank Hill: Oh, don't tell me that is covered by the First Amemdment.
Ranger Bradley: Public defecation is protected free speech so long as you say it's a political or artistic statement, and they do.

Bobby Hill: Maybe it's just like you said. To catch a fish, you must think like a fish. We just have to think like hippies.
Hank Hill: That is impossible.
Bobby Hill: Come on, dad. How do you know if you don't try. I'm a hippie. I'm naked because I smoked all my clothes.

Hank Hill: You guys can't leave now. What kind of lesson is that for Bobby?
Dale Gribble: A good one. He can learn from our bad example.

"King of the Hill: Ho, Yeah! (#5.13)" (2001)
[Hank's pretending to be a pimp]
Hank: I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County, I play it straight up, yo. You get the hell out of my 'hood. She's my ho now.
Oklahoma City Pimp Alabaster Jones: Okay, whatever.
[Pointing to Peggy]
Oklahoma City Pimp Alabaster Jones: What you want for the jasper brunette?
Hank: That is my wife!
Oklahoma City Pimp Alabaster Jones: Man, that's the biggest mistake a pimp could make; marryin' one of his hos.

Hank: Sweet lady propane.

[Hank is being chased by a pimp]
Hank: Hold on, I got a plan.
[stops the car at a green light, waits until it turns yellow, and guns it]
Hank: Ha, ha, ha. I got him where I want him.
[the pimp runs the red light]
Hank: What? He ran a red light. You can't do that.

Hank: From now on, the only woman I'm pimpin' is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm trickin' her out all over this town.

"King of the Hill: A Beer Can Named Desire (#4.6)" (1999)
Hank Hill: So, Gilbert, how do the Saints look this year?
Gilbert Dauterive: Oh, I am more familiar with sinners than saints, my dear. And sinners always look good.

Hank Hill: You sort of snuck up on me there.
Gilbert Dauterive: I'm terribly sorry. I've always been a creeper. Violetta says I creep like the kudzu vines that are slowly but surely strangling our Dixie.

Gilbert Dauterive: Have a pleasant journey, and don't be afraid to ask directions from somebody who has already been where you think you need to go.
Hank Hill: What's that supposed to mean?
Gilbert Dauterive: Let Dandy Don Meredith take the throw.

Gilbert Dauterive: Golden Richards was a Dallas Cowboy.
Hank Hill: Yeah, yeah! He caught a touchdown pass in Super Bowl XII.
Gilbert Dauterive: He was a beautiful man. I knew him... briefly.

"King of the Hill: Doggone Crazy (#12.10)" (2008)
Bobby Hill: I am so disappointed. I was going to walk back to the dugout like an Egyptian.
Hank Hill: I'm sure sorry I missed that.

Hank Hill: You sniff that poop, Ladybird. Sniff to your heart's content.

Hank Hill: You want me to see a dog spiritualist?
Veterinarian: Hank, I don't pretend to know all the answers, but this guy does.

Peggy Hill: You're doing this for Ladybird. Do you think that makes you stupid?
Hank Hill: No.
Peggy Hill: Yes, it does. But love makes people do stupid things, and right now,

"King of the Hill: Jumpin' Crack Bass (#2.5)" (1997)
Luanne Platter: I just do yoga.
Luanne Platter: I put my feet up behind my head, want me to show you?
Hank Hill: AAAHHHH! Just keep your leg below your waist for God's sake.

Bill Dauterive: You know what I just realized? Hank hasn't caught a fish.
Hank: You lookin' to go for a swim, Bill?

Hank Hill: Dale, you giblet-head, if you were gonna cheat, why'd you buy a frozen bass?
Dale Gribble: I had a coupon for it.

Hank Hill: That's it! I'm going fishing.

"King of the Hill: What Happens at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis Stays at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis (#13.9)" (2009)
Donna: I'm starting to get worried. Mr. Strickland has been in there a long time. I'm afraid he might have fainted in the toilet again.
Joe Jack: Maybe he's stone cold dead.
Hank Hill: That's it, I'm going in.
Joe Jack: Take the defibrillator, honey.

Dale: You want to keep Buck Strickland away from his bastard son. Admit it, Hank, you're jealous. You want to be the bastard son Buck thought he never had but apparently did.
Hank Hill: That's ridiculous. Why would I want to be Buck's son, when I'm his assistant manager?
Dale: Translation: love me, daddy!

Hank Hill: Buck and Ray Roy are getting out of control. Peggy, they mooned Elvis' grave! And his poor dead twin brother Jesse.

Hank Hill: [drunk] I'm not going to say... Hell, I am going to say what I have been wanting to say! Buck Strickland is a monster! A drunk monster! He is nothing but a lecherous, bastard-making bastard...
[indistinct slurring]
Hank Hill: And now I'm going to vomit.

"King of the Hill: Hanky Panky (#4.13)" (2000)
Hank Hill: Dale give me a cigarette.
Dale Gribble: But I thought you quit because "cigarettes cause death"... they do you know
[hands him a pack]
Dale Gribble: brace yourself.

Hank Hill: [answering the phone] Hello
Debbie: [imitating an old lady] May I speak to Peggy?
Hank Hill: No Peggy's at Sugar Foots, can I take a message?
Debbie: Tell her Debbie Grund slept with her husband
Hank Hill: Who is this!
Debbie: [in normal voice] It's Debbie,
Debbie: remember me?
Hank Hill: Ugh!, put that old lady back on maybe she can talk some sense into you!

Hank Hill: [after getting off the phone with Debbie] Bwahh I just had phone sex!

Hank: Huh. You know, Debbie's place is right next to Sugarfoot's. That's a coincidence.
Buck: No coincidence: I like to eat, I like to hump, and I don't like to drive.

"King of the Hill: Husky Bobby (#2.6)" (1997)
Bobby Hill: Why are you always trying to turn me into you? Why can't you accept me for who I am?
Hank: [sighs] Yeah yeah, we both saw that after-school special, but I'm not an alcoholic and you're not an ice skater, so let's go.

Bobby Hill: Dad how did you know this was going to happen?
Hank: It's a fact of life Bobby. When you have teenaged boys, husky boys, and doughnuts all in the same place you're just asking for trouble.

[upon finding Luanne in bed with a boy]
Hank: I'm in a crisis situation; I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses.

"King of the Hill: Three Days of the Kahndo (#2.15)" (1998)
Hank: This river is filthy. Look at this, underwear floating around.
Dale Gribble: [Off camera] Uh, Hank, a little help here?

Bill Dauterive: I think it's nice that you're going away, Hank. You need a good vacation with your new best friend Kahn. Who you love so MUCH.
Hank: Yes, Bill, I love Kahn. Maybe if this trip works out I'll marry him and live in Mexico forever. Is that what you wanna hear?
Bill Dauterive: [Voice breaking] No.

Bobby Hill: Why is there such a big fence, Dad?
Hank: Well, millions of people come to America in search of a better life, and we've decided we don't need that many.
Bobby Hill: Did the Soupinusanphones come through the fence?
Hank: No, Bobby, Kahn applied the legal way. Sometimes the system fails us.

"King of the Hill: Pilot (#1.1)" (1997)
[Working on Hank's pickup truck]
Dale: You know what the problem is? It's a Ford. You know what Ford stands for? Fix It Again Tony.
Hank: Dale, that's a Fiat.

Hank: Dale, you giblet head. It's already 110 degrees, and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your ass!

Hank: [to Bobby] So son what are you listening to?
Bobby Hill: I don't think you'd like it dad.
Hank: Sure I would. I like this new age music.
Hank: [character on the CD] Hello?
[a farting sound occurs]
Hank: Bwah it's all toilet humor! Bobby what the person on your tape has is a medical disorder!

"King of the Hill: Square Peg (#1.2)" (1997)
Peggy Hill: VaaaaaaaaaaaGINA! Oh, Hank... I did it!
Hank: Yeah, the whole neighborhood heard ya cussin'

Peggy Hill: [about attempting to teach Bobby sex education] Hank I couldn't get the words out
Bill Dauterive: Aw gee you didn't send her in to do a man's job did you?
Hank: Uh well I...
Bill Dauterive: Maybe you should let Boomhauer teach him what he knows
Boomhauer: Yeah man I'll tell ya what, ya talkin' about them dang old condom dispensers... Put little ol' 50 cents in there and try to hit that coin return... bang on that thing... Talk about her needs.
Hank: [thinks for a moment] Uh, no that's alright

Hank: [thinking about Boomhauer's offer to teach Bobby sex education] I guess I'll do it, my daddy told me the facts of life when I was Bobby's age and I turned out okay
[thinks back to when Cotton took him to a ranch]
Cotton Hill: [showing a young Hank a bull and cow mating while Hank cries] Yee-haw! Hey what ya crying for boy?, this is a good show, this is a damn good show!
Hank: [cut back to the present] Yeah that's also how he taught me about paying taxes

"King of the Hill: Traffic Jam (#2.16)" (1998)
[at a stand-up show, Bobby is making fun of his dad]
Hank: Sit down, son. They're not laughing with you, they're laughing at me.

Roger 'Buddha' Sack: Yo' mama so ugly, when she walk into the bank, they turn the cameras off.
Hank: Your mother is so ugly, it affects her self esteem.

Hank: Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to criticize your lesson plan, but... Do you have a lesson plan?
Roger 'Buddha' Sack: Sure. I'm planning on teaching, lessin' you shut up!

"King of the Hill: Lucky See, Monkey Do (#13.8)" (2009)
Peggy Hill: We need to break Luanne out of here and get her to a hospital.
Hank Hill: I don't know, Peggy. What if she gives birth in my truck? There's a limit to what Armor-All can do.

Hank Hill: The best part about being a parent is all the stuff you get to assemble and then disassemble.

Hank Hill: [Reading Highlights for Children] I tell you what, this Doofus guy is a dumbass.

"King of the Hill: The Unbearable Blindness of Laying (#2.11)" (1997)
Cotton Hill: [Hank knocks on the door] You're late!
Hank Hill: Dad it's good to hear your voice
Cotton Hill: Still blind huh? Or are you faking?
[punches him in the stomach]
Cotton Hill: Either you're blind or slow, I'll believe both

Hank Hill: [Cotton picks up a shotgun to shoot down a tree] Dad, I got to take your shoulder here
Cotton Hill: [shoves him away] Hands off girly! I didn't fight off a bunker of horny privates to let you cop a feel.

Tilly Hill: What did the doctor say honey?
Hank Hill: I poked myself in the eye, it's the darnedest thing
Tilly Hill: But what about the other eye?
Hank Hill: Well it seems the other eye compensates by shutting itself down, it's one of natures wonders
Gary Kasner: My entire life I've been reading "Psychology Today", I-I never heard of an eye sympathetically shutting down, hmm.
Hank Hill: [seemingly pointing at him] I got a magazine you ought to read, it's called "The Ten Commandments"!
Gary Kasner: Who's he talking to? Hank you want I should come over there?
Bobby Hill: [imitating him] You want I should come over there?
Bobby Hill: That is so Arizona!

"King of the Hill: The Accidental Terrorist (#12.13)" (2008)
Hank Hill: Peggy wants to buy a convertible.
Dale: She knows you're a heterosexual, right?
Hank Hill: It's not like I'll ever be seen driving it.
Bill: But it will be in your driveway.
Hank Hill: Hmm, you're right. I haven't thought of that.

Hank Hill: I'm a chump. There, I said it.
Dale: That's it! I'm putting you on suicide watch.
Hank Hill: I'm not going to kill yourself.
Dale: Then I'm putting you on homicide watch, because you're going to kill something, and it'll probably be me.

Hank Hill: Son, I'm going to show you how the world really works. I'm going to take your wallet, kick you to the ground, and punch you in the gut.
Bobby Hill: Ummm... okay.

"King of the Hill: Sleight of Hank (#3.15)" (1999)
Hank: [in horror] You painted Clouds?
Bobby Hill: White puffy clouds!

Bobby Hill: And now, for my next miracle, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers.
Peggy Hill, Hank: NO!

Hank: I don't like magicians, don't trust 'em.
Bill Dauterive: Ever since David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Hank: Shame on him!

"King of the Hill: Cops and Robert (#12.20)" (2008)
Hank Hill: That was a great breakfast, Peggy. If this is how the Belgians make their waffles, then I am not giving them full credit.

Hank Hill: I hate this place. It's like Hell, or Dallas.

Hank Hill: Come on, Peggy. Let's get out of here before I leave Thom McAn's signature on this guy's ass.

"King of the Hill: Escape from Party Island (#3.17)" (1999)
Hank: I just got done spending the day with 500 years of old lady

Hank: [Reading a bumper sticker] "How's my driving?" I'll tell you; Mom take this number down: one eight-hundred E, A, T, S, H... never mind

Hank: Hang on to your Neffs!

"King of the Hill: Peggy Hill: The Decline and Fall (#4.1)" (1999)
Cotton Hill: I think I'll name him Hank. I always wanted a son named Hank.
Hank: Dad, MY name is Hank.
Cotton Hill: Then we'll call him "G.H." for "Good Hank!"
Hank: Now that makes it sound like I'm "Bad Hank."

Hank: You want me to just leave?
Peggy Hill: Yes.
Hank: So like, the right thing for me to do is just leave, even though you're crying.
Peggy Hill: Go!
Hank: Huh... Well, I'm skeptical, but okay.

Cotton Hill: I'm going to call this son Hank. I always wanted a son named Hank.
Hank: Dad, my name's Hank.
Cotton Hill: Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm going to call this one Good Hank.
Hank: Dad, you shouldn't call him Good Hank. It makes me sound like Bad Hank.
Cotton Hill: Well ya burned my burger, didn't ya, B.H.

"King of the Hill: Girl, You'll Be a Giant Soon (#8.18)" (2004)
Hank Hill: [watching Big Tex being set up] Son look there's Big Tex, he's like the Grand Canyon and the Statue of Liberty rolled into one
Bobby Hill: He seems tough but kind
Hank Hill: Yep he always tells us what to do, and see, and eat, I've got better advice from him than my own father
Big Tex: Howdy folks
[Bobby gasps in amazement]
Big Tex: howdy, howdy
[worker speaks into Big Tex's speakers]
Big Tex: Check, check uh, one
[back in his regular voice]
Big Tex: Howdy!

Hank Hill: [angry] Propane is excluded from the Texas State Fair!
Boomhauer: [uninterested] Mmhmm
Hank Hill: Boomhauer are you insane? I just told you they excluded propane!
[Boomhauer looks at him then looks away]
Hank Hill: [looks at Bill and Dale who look nervously at him] You too? First Bobby and now you guys, where's the outrage?
Dale Gribble: Rules are rules Hank, without rules there would be chaos, that's why we no longer visit the public pool
Hank Hill: But this is blatantly unfair!
Bill Dauterive: [sarcastically] Yeah poor, poor Hank with his wife and his son and his... hair
Bill Dauterive: Nobody will let him grill with propane!
[Hank leaves in disappointment]

"King of the Hill: Propane Boom (#2.23)" (1998)
Luanne Platter: [to Hank] Unca Hank what does BTU mean?
Hank Hill: British Thermal Unit.
Luanne Platter: Oh, so there isn't any bacon in it?

Hank: The only place you can find a Main Street these days is in Disneyland. And just try to buy a gun there.

"King of the Hill: Serves Me Right for Giving General George S. Patton the Bathroom Key (#13.15)" (2009)
Hank Hill: I guess I don't know anything about my father, except that he hated Tojos and Nazis, and my mom.

Hank Hill: I guess I did learn about my dad. Sure, he killed fifty men, but he didn't do it alone. There were plenty of Fatties and Stinkies out there to help him out. Just like, uh, you guys helping me. And even though we never got to enjoy the horrors of war together, I'm glad you are my friends.

"King of the Hill: Tankin' It to the Streets (#6.13)" (2002)
Dale Gribble: Based on what I know about Bill - and cover-ups - I'd say the Army used him in their attempted assassination of boxing promoter Bob Arum.
Bill Dauterive: Is he right, Hank?
Hank Hill: Has be ever been right, Bill?
Dale Gribble: You don't have to answer that.

Dale Gribble: What are you asking Bill for? The Army destroyed all his brain cells with their deadly placebo drug. No wonder he's an ignoranus.
Bill Dauterive: What did you say?
Dale Gribble: Ignoranus! It means stupid, you moron!
Hank Hill: Dale, you said placebo.
Dale Gribble: Yeah, I read it in Bill's file. That was the name of the drug they gave him. Pla-ce-bo. I think it's made by Puh-fizer.
Hank Hill: Dale, you're the moron! A placebo is a fake drug. They shot Bill full of sugar water.

"King of the Hill: The Petriot Act (#9.6)" (2005)
Hank Hill: It says here that the 9220 is 7% more accurate than the old 9210.
Dr. Leslie: Yes, but 7% more accuracy hardly justifies me spending that kind of money. It's just too expensive.
Hank Hill: Well, that seems like the kind of decision you'd want to leave to that woman and her bird, or that guy and...whatever the hell that thing is.

Hank Hill: You can keep the pen. It's from some company that makes Viagra for lizards.
Man with Snake: Works for snakes too!

"King of the Hill: Westie Side Story (#1.7)" (1997)
Hank: What the hell kind of country is this if I can only hate a man if he's white?

Hank: So, are you Chinese or Japanese?
Kahn: I lived in California for the past 20 years. I'm originally from Laos.
Hank: So, are you Chinese or Japanese?

"King of the Hill: Get Your Freak Off (#7.1)" (2002)
Hank Hill: [Looks at lucky-troll on Bobby's shelf] Nudity!

Hank Hill: [Hank walks into Bobby's room to find Bobby listening to the radio] Good Lord, what is this smut you're listening to?
Bobby Hill: It's not smut. It's Radio Disney.

"King of the Hill: Boxing Luanne (#7.11)" (2003)
George Foreman: [after discussing about calling off the fight with Luanne] Hey, Maybe there's something you can do for me. How would feel about carrying my grill in your shop?
Hank Hill: Oh, huh... sorry. We have a strict policy about that, no novelty grills.
George Foreman: [Angry] NOVELTY GRILL?
Hank Hill: Yeah, you know, no offence, but your grill is kinda like an iron.
George Foreman: YOU'RE CALLING MY GRILL AN IRON? I've been hit below the belt before, but nothing like this.
Hank Hill: I think it's a great product for dieters and little girls who want to play barbeque, But you can't compare it to a propane powered grill.
George Foreman: FIGHTS ON!
Hank Hill: WHAT? no.
George Foreman: I said fight on. What's the matter? SMELLING ALL THAT PROPANE CAUSED YOU BRAIN DAMAGE?
[yelling in front of a crowd of people]
Hank Hill: [also talking to the crowd] NO, THAT IS NOT ACCURATE. Those studies were done on sick monkeys. And at least my grill isn't sold in... housewares.

Hank Hill: Luanne, why don't you stay in this Friday and watch one of those movies you like, where the people fall in love and then one of them dies?

"King of the Hill: Meet the Propaniacs (#4.20)" (2000)
Hank: I am sorry, Sir. I had no idea you wore, uh... You know.
Charlie Fortner: Say it, Hank. I wanna hear it come from your mouth.
Hank: Diapers.
Charlie Fortner: You only have to say it. I have to wear them and buy them.
Hank: Honestly, Sir, nobody knew you wore those... Things.
Charlie Fortner: A man in a diaper comes out on stage and asks me for A DIAPER!

Hank: Sir, if it makes you feel any better, I also wear diapers.
Charlie Fortner: Which brand is more absorbent?
Hank: Uh... Well... Uh...
Charlie Fortner: Get out!

"King of the Hill: Plastic White Female (#1.12)" (1997)
[Peggy blames Hank for Bobby kissing a plastic head]
Hank: What? If it's anyone's fault it's yours. You parked him in front of the TV and made him watch... The Muppets. They got frogs kissing pigs, what the hell did you think was gonna happen?

Teacher: These are the worst side burns I've seen since chair 3. Which makes me suspect you cheated. F. That means you fail.
[Luanne cries]
Hank: What a bitch.

"King of the Hill: Lady and Gentrification (#12.14)" (2008)
Peggy Hill: How about this? I'm just thinking out loud here, but hear me out. In realty there was this practice called redlining that prevented black people from owning. Now that was obviously bad, but if applied on hipsters, I think I could be an effective tool.
Hank Hill: Peggy, no.
Peggy Hill: Think about it, Hank. With the hipsters gone, rents will go down, prices will stabilize, and Enrique can move back in.
Bobby Hill: Or, how about this? What do hipsters like? Cool things! So, we build a place called Coolsville and fill it with cool stuff. In Coolsville, there is music everywhere and everyone owns convertibles.
Hank Hill: Ugh! Sounds like Austin.

Hank Hill: Enrique's neighborhood sure has changed fast, I tell you what. All these "artists" have started moving in. They all look the same, all skinny and walk real slowly.
Dale: The people you are referring to are called hipsters, Hank. They walk slowly because they've got nowhere to be, man.

"King of the Hill: Queasy Rider (#7.13)" (2003)
Dale Gribble: Although, I guess if we root for the Texans, it doesn't mean we'd have to stop rooting for the Cowboys
Hank Hill: Well, they are in different conferences. So, it'd only be a problem if they played in the Super Bowl. An all Texas Super Bowl... His will be done.

Hank Hill: Potato, potato, potato, potato!
Peggy Hill: Potato, potato, potato! Ha-haaaa!

"King of the Hill: Three Coaches and a Bobby (#3.12)" (1999)
Bobby Hill: Why do you hate what you don't understand, Dad?
Hank: I don't hate you, Bobby.
Bobby Hill: I meant soccer.
Hank: [sighing] Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.

Coach Sauers: [to Hank] Hill you finally got a haircut.
Hank: [laughs] You noticed.
Coach Sauers: [to Boomhauer] Boomhauer how are your folks?
Boomhauer: Man, they're doing fine man, they're down in dang ol' Florida man,dang ol' lottery winner man, no problems man.
Coach Sauers: Sorry to hear that.
Coach Sauers: [to Dale] Gribble no one's killed you yet
[to Bill]
Coach Sauers: Dauterive my god man what happened?
Bill Dauterive: It's a long story, you remember...
Hank: [Interrupting him] Hey Coach we came by to see you because, well because you're the best coach Arlen has ever seen, how would you like to coach again for my son's football team?

"King of the Hill: Hank's Got the Willies (#1.4)" (1997)
Hank Hill: Santa Claus is for babies.
Bill Dauterive: You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

Hank Hill: [hearing a strange sound] What is that chinging sound?
Dale: One of those stealth helicopters with computerized noise-canceling capability. They're still working the chings out.
Bill Dauterive: How'd you know about the stealth helicopters?
Dale: alt.conspiracy.black.helicopters
Boomhauer: Yeah man, I tell you what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.

"King of the Hill: Pigmalion (#7.9)" (2003)
Hank Hill: [Luanne has braided her hair] The back of your head looks like a horse's ass.

Hank Hill: Salad before steak? I hate to say it twice in the same meal, but horse's ass.

"King of the Hill: High Anxiety (#4.14)" (2000)
Hank: I want you to promise me you won't ever do drugs, Bobby.
Bobby Hill: I promise!
Hank: A promise means *nothing* when a junkie tricks you into smoking a joint, when you think it's a cigarette, which you shouldn't smoke either, now promise me! Promise me, Bobby!
Bobby Hill: OK, OK, I promise!
Hank: [sighs] Promises mean nothing.

Bobby Hill: You know, if I did something like this you'd punish me. Maybe I should be able to punish you.
Hank: Well okay, Son. What's my punishment? Am I grounded?
Bobby Hill: That's too easy. You cannot mow the lawn for one week.
Hank: Aw come on, Son, it was an accident.
Bobby Hill: You wanna go for two?

"King of the Hill: How to Fire a Rifle Without Really Trying (#2.1)" (1997)
Hank: Where's the Children's Gun section?
Walmart-Type Worker: Aisle 47.

Bobby Hill: Can I put a gun rack on my bike?
Hank: Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask that?

"King of the Hill: Goodbye Normal Jeans (#7.4)" (2002)
[noticing Bobby with a dress]
Hank: There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.

Hank: Bobby, I need you to do two things I pray you'll never have to do again: tape the Cowboys game and get me an apron.

"King of the Hill: 'Twas the Nut Before Christmas (#5.8)" (2000)
Hank: I've had about enough of this Christmas crap!

[Bill has built a Santa's village in his front yard]
Peggy Hill: It looks like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.
Hank: It's Christmas AND Bill's happy. I'll tell you how Jesus feels: great.

"King of the Hill: The Company Man (#2.9)" (1997)
M.F. Thatherton: Aren't you gonna introduce me to your golden-throated friend here?
Hank: Sure, I'll introduce you. Mr. Holloway, this is the only man ever censured by the Texas Propane Association, for lewdness and conduct unbecoming a propane salesman.
M.F. Thatherton: [Extends his hand] M.F. Thatherton. Thatherton Fumes.
Mr. Holloway: Dang glad to meet you, M.F.
Hank: The M.F. stands for...
M.F. Thatherton: My friend!

[Hank is showing a prospective client from Boston around Arlen]
Hank: You know, Mr. Holloway, Texas has changed a lot since the 1850s.
Mr. Holloway: Aw, geez, I just wanted to see some boots, or spurs, or anything.

"King of the Hill: The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteburg (#2.7)" (1997)
Hank Hill: It's OK if you only know three chords, but God, put 'em in the right order!

Hank Hill: Only old people need glasses to read. I use mine to drive, and run, and jump.

"King of the Hill: Chasing Bobby (#5.9)" (2001)
Hank: This truck has given me 20 years of faithful service and nobody can put a price tag on that. Now who's gonna tow me home?

Dale Gribble: Knock, knock.
Bill Dauterive: Who's there?
Dale Gribble: Boo
Bill Dauterive: Boo who?
Dale Gribble: [mocking Hank's crying at the movie] Boo hoo Hank waah!
Hank: Shut up Dale!

"King of the Hill: Texas City Twister (#2.2)" (1997)
Bobby Hill: Ooh, laundry. Hot off the dryer.
[Bobby rubs a fresh pair of briefs on his face, pulls them on, takes off his nightshirt and runs out of the room]
Hank: 6 AM and already the boy ain't right.

Hank: Just in case I'm incapacitated for some reason, do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line?
Bobby Hill: No.
Hank: Well, there's really no wrong way to do it.

"King of the Hill: Lost in MySpace (#13.4)" (2008)
Buck Strickland: What's this Myspace?
Hank Hill: I'm not sure, sir. I think it's a cult.

Hank Hill: I don't know why we're on Myspace. The whole thing is like a contest to see who can make the biggest ass out of themselves.

"King of the Hill: Soldier of Misfortune (#6.2)" (2001)
Hank: Dang it, Dale. Mad Dog is not Mr. Big, I am Mr. Big.
Dale Gribble: [long pause] No you're not.
Hank: [In Mr. Big's voice] I AM Mr. Big.
Dale Gribble: [gasping in horror] But... I've known you since the second grade! When... when did this happen? First grade?

Dale Gribble: Oh, God, I'm a dead man. If you guys are seen with me, Mr. Big will kill you too! So get out of here. Hank, Boomhauer, you got a lot to live for! Bill, you can stay or go, doesn't matter. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Hank: Dale, what are you doing?
Dale Gribble: I'm going to kill Mr. Big before he kills us!
[Drives off]
Bill Dauterive: [Running to Hank] Mr. Big's gonna kill us!

"King of the Hill: Good Hill Hunting (#3.8)" (1998)
Hank Hill: [disappointed at a customer service counter] Forget number seven - you're now serving nonsense!

Hank: [Reading pamphlet] "Cushion shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeder". Well that's not hunting, that's shooting fish in a barrel.
Eustace: Oh, they have that too.

"King of the Hill: Death of a Propane Salesman (#3.1)" (1998)
Peggy Hill: [after Hank has been released from the hospital following the propane explosion at the Mega-lo Mart] Is there any permanent damage?
Hank Hill: No damage, no scratches, no dents, no dings. Bobby, what do you say we go hit the batting cages?
Peggy Hill: Hank, slow down! You almost died today!
Hank Hill: Well, that's the good thing about death, you either die or you don't. I didn't, so let's hit some balls

Bill Dauterive: [Offering Hank a garbage can to sit on] Oh Hank you poor thing, you shouldn't be standing after that accident.
Hank Hill: [Annoyed] I'm fine! It's no big deal! Buildings explode, that's what they do.

"King of the Hill: Not in My Back Hoe (#4.8)" (1999)
Hank Hill: [Spots Bill and Dale standing in the alley at night and drunk] What are you guys doing?
Dale Gribble: Oh so you care what we're doing, do you?
Bill Dauterive: [slurring his speech] Oh he doesn't care
Dale Gribble: You said you'd be back in a minute, we waited a minute then we waited another
Bill Dauterive: Then after about a million minutes... I forgot why I was counting
Hank Hill: Well what's the big deal you don't get upset when I come home late from work!
Dale Gribble: One we get very upset when you work late and two you were out with "him".
Bill Dauterive: Didn't you think Peggy might be worried, you being gone so long!
Hank Hill: I called her!

Dale Gribble: That was our project!
Hank Hill: You should be thanking me, Hal worked that back hoe so fast we're gonna save a couple days rental
Bill Dauterive: Yeah and with the money you saved you can buy your friend Hal a dozen roses!
Dale Gribble: Now you're buying him roses?, that's it Hank it's us or "Him"
Hank Hill: [sighing] You can't make me choose
Bill Dauterive: Us or him!
Hank Hill: Alright "him".
Bill Dauterive: ''Him'' means Hal you know, that's the way we phrased the question
[Hank sighs in annoyance]

"King of the Hill: Rodeo Days (#4.12)" (2000)
Hank Hill: Bobby, I'm trying to help you. You see, a *circus* clown is a carnie who's too stupid to flip a ride switch on and off. Now you take a circus clown, roll him on the barn floor, and kick him in the head a couple hundred times, and what have you got?
Bobby Hill: [sobbing] Your son!

Peggy Hill: My uncle wasn't a cowboy, Hank! He was a dirty, drunken rodeo clown!
Hank Hill: [shocked] Don't tell me... Uncle Boffo?

"King of the Hill: Megalo Dale (#7.10)" (2003)
[Dale got an anti-infestation job at a local store and calls Hank]
Hank: So, how's the job going. Did you find the rats yet?
Dale: It's not rats.
Hank: It's not?
Dale: No. I'm gonna have to spend the night here.
Hank: If it's not rats, what is it?
Dale: I don't have time to explain, but it's Chuck Mangione.

"King of the Hill: Death Picks Cotton (#12.5)" (2007)
Hank Hill: I can't believe my last words to my father were "I don't love you."
Peggy Hill: Cotton loved fighting. You probably made death fun for him.

"King of the Hill: Hank and the Great Glass Elevator (#5.11)" (2001)
Hank Hill: [Slamming a piece of charcoal on the table] You brought charcoal into our house!
Peggy Hill: I didn't know what it was Luanne asked me to hold it for her, I thought it was drugs!
Hank Hill: [Holding up Bobby's hand] There's soot under my boy's nails, you don't get that from a clean burning fuel!
Bobby Hill: You don't get the rich smokey flavor either.
Hank Hill: [Scolding him] You shut your mouth!, now we're going to sit here and pray.

"King of the Hill: It's Not Easy Being Green (#5.17)" (2001)
Bobby Hill: I thought you said that tree-huggers like me and Mr. McKay were a bunch of noodle-brained Communists.
Hank Hill: No! No! Heh-heh. No, no, no! Heh-heh. No.
Bobby Hill: This is great! I'm gonna get extra credit for bringing you all on board! We're gonna save itchy algae!
Hank Hill: Yeah! Itchy algae!
Dale Gribble: Earth first, make Mars our bitch!

"King of the Hill: Hank's on Board (#10.1)" (2005)
Bill Dauterive: I have a confession too Hank. In a moment of weakness on a dark rainy night I slept with Peggy.
Hank Hill: No you didn't Bill.
Bill Dauterive: I know.

"King of the Hill: The Exterminator (#5.14)" (2001)
Dale Gribble: I have more pressure than any of you, you every try replacing a cockroach's blood with root beer?
Hank Hill: You know I haven't
Dale Gribble: Then don't judge me.

"King of the Hill: To Sirloin with Love (#13.20)" (2009)
Hank Hill: A boy who has a unicorn ranch in his bedroom shouldn't call other people weird. That's right. We know about Rancho Unicorno.

"King of the Hill: That's What She Said (#8.10)" (2004)
Hank Hill: [about a fart machine] This is not funny. This is a waste of a good 9-volt battery. How do the Chinese get talked into making these things?

"King of the Hill: The Order of the Straight Arrow (#1.3)" (1997)
Hank: [praying to Wematanye] Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of Death, we know you're gonna recommend to the spirit in the sky with liberty and justice for all

"King of the Hill: Harlottown (#10.4)" (2005)
Hank Hill: Peggy, they tried to fix the engine by changing the tire. If we leave them out here - they'll die.

"King of the Hill: The Bluegrass Is Always Greener (#6.9)" (2002)
Hank Hill: [sheepishly] I'm a jackass.
Kahn Souphanousinphone Sr: Stop stating the obvious.

"King of the Hill: Reborn to Be Wild (#8.2)" (2003)
Hank Hill: Can't you see you're not making Christianity better, you're just making rock n' roll worse.
Pastor K: You people are all the same. You look at us and think we're freaks. Come on, even Jesus had long hair.
Hank Hill: Only because I wasn't his dad.

"King of the Hill: The Perils of Polling (#5.1)" (2000)
Hank Hill: [Trying on a hat] I look like a jackass.

"King of the Hill: Lupe's Revenge (#6.3)" (2001)
Hank: Peggy, there's a little mexican girl in the utility closet.

"King of the Hill: Bobby Goes Nuts (#6.1)" (2001)
[Hank practices boxing with Bobby]
Hank Hill: You leave your face open, you're gonna get popped. See? Pop! Pop! Pop!
[Bobby kicks Hank in the crotch]
Bobby Hill: You left yourself open, Dad. Pop pop!

"King of the Hill: Naked Ambition (#4.15)" (2000)
Kahn: You tell your stupid redneck son to stay the hell away from my daughter.
Hank: What happened?
Kahn: Yesterday, I catch him half naked in Kahn Junior's room. Tell him to keep away.
Hank: Well, that boy's getting a talking to.
[Hank leaves and sighs in relief]

"King of the Hill: Bobby Slam (#2.10)" (1997)
Peggy Hill: Did having a girl on the team ruin the Supreme Court?
Hank Hill: Yes, and that girl's name was Earl Warren.

"King of the Hill: The Substitute Spanish Prisoner (#6.10)" (2002)
Peggy Hill: What if I'm not as smart as I always thought. What if I'm... average?
Hank: Peggy, you have an IQ of 175. You said so yourself.
Peggy Hill: Well, there could be a margin of error. Especially since it's my own estimate.

"King of the Hill: De-Kahnstructing Henry (#3.13)" (1999)
Hank: What can I do for you, Kahn?
Kahn: Haven't they replaced you with a coin operated machine yet?

"King of the Hill: Blood and Sauce (#11.3)" (2007)
Hank Hill: I keep hearing about this 'Dauterive pride' but all i see is a crying drunk and an angry sissy.

"King of the Hill: King of the Ant Hill (#1.11)" (1997)
Hank: You're the only one who can save my lawn, Dale.
Dale Gribble: You're right, I am. The question is - why should I?
Hank: I'll give you two dollars.
Dale Gribble: Pffft. Ha! Two dollars?
Hank: Because you're my friend.
Dale Gribble: Oooooooo! I'm Hank's friend! Tie a ribbon around me!
Hank: Because I'm coming to you man to man offering you a genuine apology for choosing a lawn over a lifetime of friendship.
Dale Gribble: Geez, Hank. I was only holding out for $2.50.

"King of the Hill: When Joseph Met Lori and Made Out with Her in the Janitor's Closet (#13.23)" (2010)
Hank Hill: Don't you think it's time to talk to Joseph about... uh... relations?
Dale Gribble: But Joseph is young - he is still snips and snails and puppy dog tails.
Hank Hill: He's six feet tall with a moustache. It's time.

"King of the Hill: Peggy's Turtle Song (#2.22)" (1998)
Peggy Hill: Sometimes I think I should just quit my job and devote myself full time to being a mother
[Hank smiles]
Peggy Hill: but you know what am I saying?, quit my job?, that's crazy talk.
Hank Hill: [Reassuring her] Now wait a minute Peggy crazy is a very strong word, you're just thinking out loud, Bobby's crazy.

"King of the Hill: Movin' on Up (#4.16)" (2000)
Hank Hill: Dale, for the last time, I can't turn in this rental application without your social security number.
Dale Gribble: Fine: 5-5-5-5-5.
Hank Hill: [sighs] That's not even enough numbers.
Dale Gribble: 5... 5

"King of the Hill: Behind Closed Doors (#12.15)" (2008)
Dale: [has a keyboard in the alley] I have decided to add musical accompaniment to liven up our conversation.
Hank Hill: I don't know. Conversation is already pretty good. We don't need any livening up.
Dale: Allow me to demonstrate. I was going to have a beer, but the tab broke.
[Plays dramatic sting]
Dale: But then I took out my pocket knife, and now my beer tastes like my back pocket.
[Plays fanfare]
Bill: Wow! You really made that come to life.
Dale: Good luck following that, Boomhauer.

"Family Guy: Bigfat (#11.17)" (2013)
[Peter is dreaming about Stan Smith killing him for telling Quagmire about Roger]
Lois Griffin: Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
Peter Griffin: [wakes up] Oh, Lois. Thank God it was just a dream.
[Hank Hill comes out of the bathroom]
Hank Hill: Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?
[Hank wakes up in his own bed with Peggy still sleeping beside him]
Hank Hill: Ah, damn it. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.

"King of the Hill: Trans-Fascism (#12.11)" (2008)
Lucky: That was the best half-birthday ever.
Hank Hill: It's not even your birthday?
Lucky: My people don't live very long, Uncle Hank. I have to get in all the livin' I can get.

"King of the Hill: You Gotta Believe (In Moderation) (#10.7)" (2006)
Hank Hill: If you where on the baseball team, keep believing in yourselves.
Kenny: How's that gonna bring our baseball team back?
Hank Hill: Well... uh... uh... huh.

"King of the Hill: Strangeness on a Train (#12.19)" (2008)
Hank Hill: A Chubb Randolph production.

"King of the Hill: Luanne's Saga (#1.5)" (1997)
Hank: He's a football player, and football players know how to treat a woman right.

"King of the Hill: Little Horrors of Shop (#4.4)" (1999)
Hank Hill: Anyone with a tool in each hand has no hands left for drugs.

"King of the Hill: Hank's Choice (#5.16)" (2001)
[Bobby is allergic to the dog, so Hank decides to make Bobby live in the dog house]
Peggy Hill: What the hell is wrong with you?
Hank: Look at it this way, Peggy. Bobby is only thirteen, but Ladybird is THIRTEEN.

"King of the Hill: Yankee Hankee (#5.10)" (2001)
Hank Hill: Fine, fine. Everybody's a Texan. Change planes in Dallas, you're a Texan.

"King of the Hill: Hank's Back (#8.20)" (2004)
[Hank is teaching yoga to Enrique and Joe Jack]
Hank: That jackass at the yoga center calls this one "Sun Salutation", but I prefer "Modified Roger Staubach."
Enrique: Hey, Hank! I feel like I'm one with everything now.
Joe Jack: I just felt my chakra open, Honey.
Hank: Now we're going to move into something I call "Fertilizing the Lawn."

"King of the Hill: Uncool Customer (#13.12)" (2009)
Hank Hill: Remember that polygamist compound? They made it into a restaurant.

"King of the Hill: Hank's Dirty Laundry (#2.17)" (1998)
Hank Hill: Who's calling me a liar, you or the machine? Cause I wanna know who's ass to kick!
Clerk: I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
Hank Hill: Fine. Now where's the "ass" on this thing?

"King of the Hill: Joust Like a Woman (#6.8)" (2002)
Hank: You'll find it burns witches cleanly and evenly and at a fraction of the cost.

"King of the Hill: I Remember Mono (#2.14)" (1998)
Hank: Does Bobby have a girlfriend?
[Reads Valentine]
Hank: "Happy Valentine's Day, Joseph. Love Bobby"? "Hey hot stuff"? Bobby, you can't give this to Joseph.
Bobby Hill: Why not? He IS hot stuff. You should see him skateboard.
Hank: Bobby, if you give a Valentine to a sixth grade boy, girls are gonna think you're... sensitive. Something like that could follow you the rest of your life. Now here's a candy for Joseph. It says, "Hey, You're O.K."
[Throws card in the trash]
Hank: We'll just put this card over here right now.

"King of the Hill: You There God, It's Me Margaret Hill (#6.12)" (2002)
Hank Hill: That's a clean burning hell, I tell you what!

"King of the Hill: Hank's Back Story (#5.19)" (2001)
[Hank is at the doctor's office, having injured his lower back]
Doctor: I'm sorry, Mr. Hill, I understand it's painful, but soft tissue injury just doesn't show up on film.
Hank: Hunh. So how do you fix it?
Doctor: Well, there's really nothing *I* can do. What your back needs is rest. Just have your office send over the Worker's Compensation forms and I'll sign off on 'em.
Hank: Worker's Comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I'm *not* going on welfare. It's Indian summer!
Doctor: Well, if you insist on working, I'll write you a prescription for pain medicine.
Hank: Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood. I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.
Doctor: Then I'm sorry, but all Western medicine can really offer you are drugs... *and nothing.* But some people have had good luck with yoga. I hear there's a studio over in McMainerberry.
Hank: Yoga? Isn't that a cult?
Doctor: The group that rented the space before them was a cult. That's probably what you're thinking of.

"King of the Hill: Now Who's the Dummy? (#5.12)" (2001)
Hank Hill: How is it that you know so much about golf?
Bobby Hill: I've seen Happy Gilmore about 50 times.
Hank Hill: I hate Adam Sandler.

"King of the Hill: What Makes Bobby Run? (#5.7)" (2000)
Hank Hill: I needed to use the restroom, but I couldn't face the guys at the trough.

"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
[as Springfield is beating Arlen 28-3]
Hank Hill: We drove 2,000 miles for this?

"King of the Hill: Wings of the Dope (#3.23)" (1999)
Hank: What's this? It's a letter. "From the Desk of Buckley's Angel". Let's see here... "Dear Bill, Boomhauer and Dale, I have been unable to find a woman for Bill. Any woman. Or a crank shaft from a 1968 Dodge. And the porthole to Hell is actually located in Hank's garage near all of his tools and should be avoided by anyone afraid of the porthole to Hell." Well, that's that. Goodbye, Buckley's Angel.
Dale Gribble: Goodbye, Buckley's Ang... Hold the phone. Let me see that letter.
Bill Dauterive: [Gasps] That's not Buckley's handwriting. Hank!
[Hank turns the hose on them]

"King of the Hill: Patch Boomhauer (#8.1)" (2003)
Hank Hill: hank Hill, Best man, Strickland Propane. When people get married, as these two plan tomorrow. You've got to act right. You've got to have commitment, devotion, trust. You can't be fooling around, and you surely can't be...
Katherine: [taps on her glass, interrupting Hank] There is something I have to say. When Patch fisrt asked me to marry him, it was a dream come true. But when I got here, I realized how much patch reminded me of Boomhauer, and that I might be trying to recapture something I lost. and then, Boomhauer hired a bunch of prostitutes to make me think, that Patch was some kind of pervert, and I hated him for it.
[Hank desperately tries to regain everyone's attention by tapping his glass again]
Katherine: But it was that desperate, crazy romantic move, that made me realize, maybe there's something still between Boomhauer and me. I'm sorry, Patch, I cannot marry you.
Patch Boomhauer: Now hold on, baby, dear God no man. It was all me, yeah all me. talking about frequent buyer, been spending Thanksgiving with those hoes man.
[everyone in the restaurant gasp in shock]
Nancy Hicks Gribble: oh my.
Katherine: You're the one, who hired those strippers?
Patch Boomhauer: dang straight, baby, Dang ol' hopeless romantic.
[angels takes off wedding ring and puts it in Patch's hand]
Katherine: IT'S OVER PATCH.
[walk out with here head held high]
Patch Boomhauer: dang ol' no baby, talking about not me. Talking HANK, DANG OL' HANK LOVES HOOKERS MAN!
[chases after Katerine]

"King of the Hill: It Came from the Garage (#12.21)" (2008)
Hank Hill: Bats are disgusting and evil.

"King of the Hill: Death and Texas (#3.22)" (1999)
Peggy Hill: Hank, I'm a substitute teacher. I float in and out of students' lives, and I never know if I've made a difference. With this one, I did make an impact.
Hank Hill: Uh... he's in prison, Peggy.