The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
] My husband is in there! He had to take this job because nobody else would hire him! EMT
: We're doing everything we can, Mrs. Mangione.
: [to Bobby regarding Luanne after she has lost her hair
] Now Bobby Luanne is going to look different, maybe even hypnotically grotesque but don't stare.
: [after Hank has been released from the hospital following the propane explosion at the Mega-lo Mart
] Is there any permanent damage? Hank Hill
: No damage, no scratches, no dents, no dings. Bobby, what do you say we go hit the batting cages? Peggy Hill
: Hank, slow down! You almost died today! Hank Hill
: Well, that's the good thing about death, you either die or you don't. I didn't, so let's hit some balls
: [Attempting to cheer up Luanne after she had been caught in an explosion and lost her hair
] Luanne honey look it's two of your old friends the manger babies. Luanne Platter
] Sock puppets are for babies, in the real world beauty fades and penguins die a cold horrible death!
: VaaaaaaaaaaaGINA! Oh, Hank... I did it! Hank
: Yeah, the whole neighborhood heard ya cussin'
: [about attempting to teach Bobby sex education
] Hank I couldn't get the words out Bill Dauterive
: Aw gee you didn't send her in to do a man's job did you? Hank
: Uh well I... Bill Dauterive
: Maybe you should let Boomhauer teach him what he knows Boomhauer
: Yeah man I'll tell ya what, ya talkin' about them dang old condom dispensers... Put little ol' 50 cents in there and try to hit that coin return... bang on that thing... Talk about her needs. Hank
: [thinks for a moment
] Uh, no that's alright
: Bobby, honey, um... What do you know about sexual relations? Bobby Hill
: I don't know, nothing much, I'm a little worried about being a slut.
: I have seen Nancy with her claws out before, but never like this. I both respect and fear her.
: I don't know what to expect from Nancy. Last time we talked, she was full of herself, and domestic champagne.
: That's it! It's Dale. Hank Hill
: Huh? Peggy Hill
: Dale and all his nonsense keep her so busy, she doesn't have the time or energy to be like she was in Dallas. Hank Hill
: So Nancy needs Dale more than Dale needs Nancy. Huh. Weird.
: Myrna says that everything's black and white and red. That will both soothe and stimulate the baby. Peggy Hill
: I see. I wonder if that's why the Nazis chose those colors?
: We need to break Luanne out of here and get her to a hospital. Hank Hill
: I don't know, Peggy. What if she gives birth in my truck? There's a limit to what Armor-All can do.
: Bobby, I need you to create a distraction. Bobby Hill
: Hmmm, a chance to stretch my improv muscles. I like it.
: Bill's not being an ingrate on purpose. Peggy Hill
: The only way he could get Lenore back...was to become her. Peggy Hill
: Yes, mm-hmm. Peggy Hill
: It wouldn't surprise me if there was some psychological basis to it.
: [walking into Hank and Peggy's bedroom
] I had a bad dream, I dreamt Lenore came back and stole Lenore and then Lenore drove off with Lenore and I ran down the street after them and I yelled Lenore!, Lenore! and then my teeth fell out... oh yeah Peggy you were there... can I sleep in your living room? Hank
] Yes Bill Peggy Hill
: [to Hank
] I'm giving you 24 hours to get me out of that man's dreams!
: [trying to get his iguana to eat
] Come on, come on Lenore! Peggy Hill
: You named it Lenore? Bill Dauterive
: Well yeah I thought it looked like Lenore, I think he's just not hungry right now I mean with so many new people
[stares at Luanne
] Luanne Platter
: Um, should I leave? Bill Dauterive
: Thank you
: [on answering machine
] We are not home right now, so leave a message. Unless you're Alex Trebek, in which case, come right in.
: Also, I got you both cell phones. Bobby Hill
: Cool! Peggy Hill
: That only call to me. Bobby Hill
: Oh. Can I receive calls, then? Peggy Hill
: From me. Bobby Hill
: First one to breakfast gets to sit on my lap!
: What is wrong with you, boy? Why weren't you at church? Bobby Hill
: I *was* getting ready, but I worked up an appetite looking for dress pants, so I ordered a pizza, and that ate up a chunk of time. Hank Hill
: Where'd you get the money? Peggy Hill
: [Bobby glances at Peggy's purse
] He stole it! Hank, you check the liquor cabinet. I'll check between his toes for needle marks!
: Stealing money from his own mother's purse? Who does that? Peggy Hill
: Thirteen is that critical age when boys come to a fork in the road. And when Bobby gets there, he might use that fork to kill us. Hank Hill
: Isn't there some prison we can take him to? Make him pee in front of some criminals? That'll scare him straight.
: Hank Hill, is there anything you can't do in this garage? Hank Hill
: I know what I've said about papier mâché in the past, but for the sake of our country, and to shut up Milton Street, I am willing to put aside my contempt.
: I can't believe my last words to my father were "I don't love you." Peggy Hill
: Cotton loved fighting. You probably made death fun for him.
: [Speaking to Peggy as he lies on his deathbed
] This was supposed to happen to you. You're worthless. You're not even good enough to be married to my worthless nothing of a loser son! Peggy Hill
: Enough! Your son has always loved you, despite your constant torture. You want to die alone? Fine. You want to keep coming back and never die? That's fine too. In fact, I hope you do go on living forever as the unhappy person you are in the hell you have created here on earth. I hope you live forever. I really do. Cotton Hill
: Do ya now?
: Hank, the day after Thanksgiving is, in my opinion, the biggest shopping day of the year. And I will not spend another year giving Dallas Mavericks crap because the Cowboys stuff was all sold out.
: You defended Troy Aikman more than you defended your own mother! Hank Hill
: Mom knows how it is with Dad. And there were six dropped passes, all Troy can do is get it there!
: They're freaks, Hank. I swear I saw a chicken go into that gym that did not come out.
: Hank, today is Bill's physical. Bobby, it's chicken and dumpling day in the cafeteria. And I have a pap smear. Bobby Hill
: Dang it, I hate chicken and dumpling day. Trade with you, mom.
: Mexicans have fifteen, Jews have thirteen, rich girls have sweet sixteen... everybody has a crazy birthday but poor old Christian boy! Peggy Hill
: Your baptism was amazing. Bobby Hill
: So I've heard. Fourteen isn't taken, maybe that could be my special day. We could call it Sweet Fourteeno. We'll have music and dancing, and I'll have to eat fourteen hot dogs before sunset, or I shall remain a boy forever!
: How about this? I'm just thinking out loud here, but hear me out. In realty there was this practice called redlining that prevented black people from owning. Now that was obviously bad, but if applied on hipsters, I think I could be an effective tool. Hank Hill
: Peggy, no. Peggy Hill
: Think about it, Hank. With the hipsters gone, rents will go down, prices will stabilize, and Enrique can move back in. Bobby Hill
: Or, how about this? What do hipsters like? Cool things! So, we build a place called Coolsville and fill it with cool stuff. In Coolsville, there is music everywhere and everyone owns convertibles. Hank Hill
: Ugh! Sounds like Austin.
: How do you like that? Peggy, come in here. A camera in the bedroom. This is kinda fun. This is Hank Hill with the news. Peggy Hill
: Hank, you are terrible.
: Mom, I don't want to do this. Peggy Hill
: Well of course you don't.
: Should I sign this? Well, a care-free convertible owner would say yes, so... yes!
: Okay, okay, so you did not blow up the cars. You were just a disgruntled customer hanging out with someone named The Falcon. If that's the story we are going with, then that's the story I will memorize.
: I can't tolerate the thought of going to sleep tonight and waking up with Bill slobbering all over me again.
: I want to apologize for Hank. He's always had an unhealthy relationship with that dog.
: You're doing this for Ladybird. Do you think that makes you stupid? Hank Hill
: No. Peggy Hill
: Yes, it does. But love makes people do stupid things, and right now,
: Everyone, remain calm. Old Man
: We are calm. Peggy Hill
: Well, you shouldn't be, because there's a vicious dog on the loose.
: Do you think that Alex Trebek is sexy, Aunt Peggy? Peggy Hill
: Get out of my mind, Luanne.
: Well, they asked me to substitute for a German class, and I said, 'nein', which I thought meant 'yes', but apparently 'nein' means 'no', so I blew a big opportunity.
: [Peggy was humiliated at the Boggle Tournament
] Say, coach used to say something to fire us up when we were behind. Peggy Hill
: What's that? Hank
] Loser! You're a loser! Are you feeling sorry for yourself? Well, you should be, cause you're dirt! You make me sick! You big baby! Baby want a bottle? A big dirt bottle?
: You're not dumb. You're smarter than I am. Peggy Hill
] Big deal. Hank
: Well, you're smarter than anyone at Arlen. Peggy Hill
: Well, whoop-dee-doo! I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbilly Town!
: Hank, I'm a substitute teacher. I float in and out of students' lives, and I never know if I've made a difference. With this one, I did make an impact. Hank Hill
: Uh... he's in prison, Peggy.
: How do you say "Peggy Hill is the smartest, most talented woman on earth" in Spanish? Peggy Hill
: Hm... well, that would be "Peggy Hill es bueno."
[at Bobby's birthday party
] Peggy Hill
: Good grief, Cotton, you gave him a loaded shotgun? Cotton Hill
: Well, you don't give a toy without batteries.
: Only trailer park trash smoke nowadays. Do you want to look like trailer park trash? Luanne Platter
: That's not fair. I do not smoke!
[She runs off crying
] Peggy Hill
: [Running after her
] Oh, honey, you are not trailer park trash just because you grew up in a trailer and your mama's in prison.
: [Slamming a piece of charcoal on the table
] You brought charcoal into our house! Peggy Hill
: I didn't know what it was Luanne asked me to hold it for her, I thought it was drugs! Hank Hill
: [Holding up Bobby's hand
] There's soot under my boy's nails, you don't get that from a clean burning fuel! Bobby Hill
: You don't get the rich smokey flavor either. Hank Hill
: [Scolding him
] You shut your mouth!, now we're going to sit here and pray.
: I see by the look on your face you did not know about the "Rascal".
: You tried your best, Hank, but I'im in charge now. You keep trying Minh and Kahn, I'll talk to Connie and then I'll talk to Bobby. Hank
: I don't think Bobby should know about this. It's bad enough I know about this. Peggy Hill
: Do you want to be incharge, Hank? Hank
[Peggy accidentally brought a Mexican girl to Arlen
: [in Spanish
] Where am I? I want to go home. I want my mother. Peggy Hill
: I was afraid this was going to happen. Now, she wants me to be her mother.
: [playing a propane salesman
] I only sell C-3-H8. That smells like C-H4. Joe Jack
: [dressed as a big baby
] I need a new diaper. Baby did a bad, bad thing. Peggy Hill
: [Hank laughs like crazy
] It is a fart joke, Hank.
[Hank pauses a moment, then laughs again
[Bobby is fighting his mom and kicks her in the crotch
] Peggy Hill
: That's right Bobby. As you can see, I do not have testicles. Where's your secret weapon now? Kahn
: She bluffing. Finish her.
: Did having a girl on the team ruin the Supreme Court? Hank Hill
: Yes, and that girl's name was Earl Warren.
: What if I'm not as smart as I always thought. What if I'm... average? Hank
: Peggy, you have an IQ of 175. You said so yourself. Peggy Hill
: Well, there could be a margin of error. Especially since it's my own estimate.
: [reading from a book on organic gardening
] Listen to this: 'Snails are attracted to the smell of beer. They will crawl to the beer then fall in and drown.'
] Peggy Hill
: much like Judy Garland.
: Potato, potato, potato, potato! Peggy Hill
: Potato, potato, potato! Ha-haaaa!
: It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.
[Luanne's crazed boyfriend has fallen into a pork processing machine
] Luanne Platter
: Well, at least Trip seemed happy, and now he's in a better place. Peggy Hill
: Honey, Trip had a mental breakdown and is now a sausage. That's not a better place.
: Sometimes I think I should just quit my job and devote myself full time to being a mother
] Peggy Hill
: but you know what am I saying?, quit my job?, that's crazy talk. Hank Hill
: [Reassuring her
] Now wait a minute Peggy crazy is a very strong word, you're just thinking out loud, Bobby's crazy.
: They're not even a real couple! Did you know she only sleeps with him on his birthday and Christmas? That's why she gets so depressed around the holidays.
: [gasps upon seeing Big Jim in coffin
] Hank! That is how you look like when you sleep.
[enter flashbacks of Hank losing his temper
: I'm going to kick your ass! Hank
: You're ass is mine twiggy! Hank
: [gives some anguished sighs in each flashback and even kicks a few people's asses!
: And now, for my next miracle, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers. Peggy Hill
[Bobby is allergic to the dog, so Hank decides to make Bobby live in the dog house
] Peggy Hill
: What the hell is wrong with you? Hank
: Look at it this way, Peggy. Bobby is only thirteen, but Ladybird is THIRTEEN.
: Think about it: Bill is middle-aged, obese and with disposable income. Bill buys what America buys. Bill is our golden pig.
: What is this place? Bobby Hill
: It looks like the lair of a human, or a very smart animal.
: In the Middle Ages, there was an orderly procedure for the dispensation of the wife unlike in today's gynocracy. Ownership goes from the son to the dog to the best friend. Bobby's too young, Ladybird's too old I already own a wife Boomhauer doesn't have the time so Bill, this could be your in. Bill Dauterive
: Don't worry Peggy, I'll take care of you. Peggy Hill
: That is as unnecessary as it is repulsive.
[Bill has built a Santa's village in his front yard
] Peggy Hill
: It looks like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this. Hank
: It's Christmas AND Bill's happy. I'll tell you how Jesus feels: great.
[Hank's father goes crazy in Japan, due to war flashbacks
] Peggy Hill
: There's no problem. He's just fighting the urge to kill all you people.
: A doctor once told me I'd never walk again. Now not only am I walking, but I hear his marriage is starting to go south.
: Bobby, how would you like to go to cooking school? Bobby Hill
: I'm listening. Hank
: Bobby, I know we've never talked about this, but... someday, I'm going to die. And when that happens, then you can go to cooking school.
: You want me to just leave? Peggy Hill
: Yes. Hank
: So like, the right thing for me to do is just leave, even though you're crying. Peggy Hill
: Go! Hank
: Huh... Well, I'm skeptical, but okay.
: Because of your shameful behavior, my husband is in danger of losing everything he has ever worked for. Hank has devoted his entire adult life to you and your company. He is your company. Without him, there is no Strickland Propane Ray Roy
: Well, there is the one in Tennessee. Buck Strickland
: Save it, junior. You're punching the heavy bag.
: Maybe I should drop out of beauty school. Peggy Hill
: What? Luanne, you have wanted to go to beauty school since you were six! You have wanted to graduate beauty school since you were twelve! If you give up on school, honey, you are giving up on your dreams. "Education is the sleeping pill that makes dreams happen." - Peggy Hill.
: [to Bobby
] I'm not sure what this means but I once heard that if you're stuck in an unpleasant situation it helps to just lie back and think of England Cotton Hill
: [while honking the horn
] That's enough Hank's wife, if you've got more feelings to express get in the kitchen and put em in a bunt cake!
: Hank, you need to let Bobby learn from his own mistakes. Will he lose a finger? Maybe, but he will gain a finger of knowledge in his brain.
: My uncle wasn't a cowboy, Hank! He was a dirty, drunken rodeo clown! Hank Hill
] Don't tell me... Uncle Boffo?