Bill Dauterive
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Quotes for
Bill Dauterive (Character)
from "King of the Hill" (1997)

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"King of the Hill: Pretty, Pretty Dresses (#3.9)" (1998)
Hank: Let me get you a beer.
Bill Dauterive: Beer is a depressant, Hank.
Hank: Don't go blaming the beer.

Hank: [after Bill sticks his head in oven in an attempt of suicide] It's electric, Bill.
Bill Dauterive: Yeah, but it's getting pretty hot.

Bill Dauterive: [walking into Hank and Peggy's bedroom] I had a bad dream, I dreamt Lenore came back and stole Lenore and then Lenore drove off with Lenore and I ran down the street after them and I yelled Lenore!, Lenore! and then my teeth fell out... oh yeah Peggy you were there... can I sleep in your living room?
Hank: [sighing] Yes Bill
Peggy Hill: [to Hank] I'm giving you 24 hours to get me out of that man's dreams!

Bill Dauterive: [trying to get his iguana to eat] Come on, come on Lenore!
Peggy Hill: You named it Lenore?
Bill Dauterive: Well yeah I thought it looked like Lenore, I think he's just not hungry right now I mean with so many new people
[stares at Luanne]
Luanne Platter: Um, should I leave?
Bill Dauterive: Thank you

Hank: Hey who are you?, What are you doing in Bill's backyard?
Bill Dauterive: [wearing a dress and speaking in a falsetto voice] Hank don't you recognize me!, I'm Lenore!
Hank: What is going on?
Bill Dauterive: [in the falsetto voice] Well I'm just washing my dress for your big party silly!
Hank: Bill take off the dress!
Bill Dauterive: [in the falsetto voice] Why do you keep calling me
[speaks in normal voice]
Bill Dauterive: Bill?
[back in the falsetto voice]
Bill Dauterive: My name is Lenore silly, and I've come back because I love Bill so much!, and I really missed him!

Bill Dauterive: Dale I have to tinkle
Dale Gribble: Not on my watch!
[cocks a shotgun]

Dale Gribble: Come on you know you're Bill!
Bill Dauterive: [in a falsetto voice] No, no, I don't know that, I'm Lenore.
Dale Gribble: Well, if you're Lenore, then where's Bill?
Bill Dauterive: [in the falsetto voice] Uh, Bill's in the house, Want me to go get him?
Dale Gribble: I'm skeptical that you could, yet intrigued that you may

Hank: [Bill is on his roof] What are you doin', Bill? Satellite dish trouble?
Bill Dauterive: Oh no, I'm just up here to kill myself.

"King of the Hill: A Fire-fighting We Will Go (#3.10)" (1999)
Hank Hill: [Tired of hearing them playing ping pong] Guys knock it off I'm trying to sleep!,
[Fed up]
Hank Hill: Ok that tears it!,
[Takes the ball and steps on it]
Hank Hill: There problem solved!
Bill Dauterive: [Takes Hank's glasses and steps on them] There problem solved!
Hank Hill: Damn you Bill that was my only pair of glasses!
Dale Gribble: Damn you Hank that was our only ball!

Bill Dauterive: [after getting hit in the face with a freshly baked pie] Hank my face hurts!
Hank Hill: Well it's going to match your ass after I'm done kicking it!
[chases him]

Dale Gribble: My name is Shackelford, Rusty Shackelford, I refuse to speak without my attorney present,
[stands, takes off his hat]
Dale Gribble: I am Mr. Shackelford's attorney, Rusty Shackelford, My client pleads insanity.
Bill Dauterive: My name is Dauterive comma Bill, I am also insane.

Boomhauer: [Telling his side of the story] You want the dang ol' truth?, man I'll tell you the dang ol' truth, yeah you see, man it happened a little something like this yo.
Dale Gribble: [Messing with the smoke detector while talking just like Boomhauer] Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.
[Spots Hank]
Dale Gribble: Geh!
Hank Hill: [Also talking like Boomhauer] Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kick your dang ol' ass, man.
Boomhauer: [Talking slowly and normally] For God's sake, Hank, act like an adult, And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.
Bill Dauterive: [Talking like Boomhauer] Dang ol' pretty, pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.

[Bill steps on Hank's glasses after Hank steps on his ping pong ball]
Hank: Dammit, Bill, those were my only pair of glasses!
Dale Gribble: Dang it, Hank, that was our only ball.
[Throws a hot Frito pie at Hank, but misses and hits Bill]
Boomhauer: Hey man, I was dang ol' scarfing on that, man.
Bill Dauterive: My face hurts.
Hank: And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it.

Hank Hill: [Finishing up his part of the story of how the firehouse burned down] Wait a minute I remember seeing some kind of yellow light in the mirror, I know what caused the fire somebody plugged in that stupid Alamo Beer sign, and I'll tell you who that somebody had to be
[Dale starts to cry because he was the guilty one]
Hank Hill: that somebody had to be... Chet Elderson.
Dale Gribble: I did not... Chet Elderson!
Hank Hill: Yep Chet was always trying to plug it in, he loved that sign but the dang thing didn't work right, it threw off sparks and well it was just a real fire hazard, isn't that right Dale?
Dale Gribble: Uh, yes Chet Elderson must've plugged that sign in last time he was at the station, what a moron, may he, may he rest in peace... right Bill?
Bill Dauterive: Right, yeah it sounds like Chet.
[Hank and Dale nod]
Boomhauer: I'll tell you what man don't you go dragging ol' Chet's name through the mud man, Dale's the one who did it man you know, dang ol' leave ol' Chet alone man.
Heck Dorland: So each and everyone of you believes that Chet Elderson is the started that fire?
[Everyone nods except for Bommhauer who groans]
Heck Dorland: Well it doesn't surprise me, I told him half a dozen times not to plug in that sign.

"King of the Hill: Serves Me Right for Giving General George S. Patton the Bathroom Key (#13.15)" (2009)
Bill Dauterive: You are going to pick up the can, aren't you, Dale?
Dale Gribble: Maybe I will, and maybe I won't. We call that suspense.

Bill Dauterive: Boycott Dale Gribble! He is an exterminator of bugs and friendships! Do not let him into your house, or your heart!

Bill Dauterive: I don't know, Hank. Patton's toilet is one of the three places I would like to get flushed down, along with where Elvis died and yours.
Dale Gribble: I want my skeleton disassembled and shipped to Singapore to be resembled.

"King of the Hill: Not in My Back Hoe (#4.8)" (1999)
Dale Gribble: [Speaking into a tape recorder] 10:15 Hank picks up Hal
Bill Dauterive: [Yawning] What?
Dale Gribble: [Plays back tape] 10:15 Hank picks up Hal
Bill Dauterive: [On the tape] What?
Dale Gribble: [Angry] I SAID 10:15 HANK PICKS UP HAL!, Jeez.

Hank Hill: [Spots Bill and Dale standing in the alley at night and drunk] What are you guys doing?
Dale Gribble: Oh so you care what we're doing, do you?
Bill Dauterive: [slurring his speech] Oh he doesn't care
Dale Gribble: You said you'd be back in a minute, we waited a minute then we waited another
Bill Dauterive: Then after about a million minutes... I forgot why I was counting
Hank Hill: Well what's the big deal you don't get upset when I come home late from work!
Dale Gribble: One we get very upset when you work late and two you were out with "him".
Bill Dauterive: Didn't you think Peggy might be worried, you being gone so long!
Hank Hill: I called her!

Dale Gribble: That was our project!
Hank Hill: You should be thanking me, Hal worked that back hoe so fast we're gonna save a couple days rental
Bill Dauterive: Yeah and with the money you saved you can buy your friend Hal a dozen roses!
Dale Gribble: Now you're buying him roses?, that's it Hank it's us or "Him"
Hank Hill: [sighing] You can't make me choose
Bill Dauterive: Us or him!
Hank Hill: Alright "him".
Bill Dauterive: ''Him'' means Hal you know, that's the way we phrased the question
[Hank sighs in annoyance]

"King of the Hill: Girl, You'll Be a Giant Soon (#8.18)" (2004)
Hank Hill: [angry] Propane is excluded from the Texas State Fair!
Boomhauer: [uninterested] Mmhmm
Hank Hill: Boomhauer are you insane? I just told you they excluded propane!
[Boomhauer looks at him then looks away]
Hank Hill: [looks at Bill and Dale who look nervously at him] You too? First Bobby and now you guys, where's the outrage?
Dale Gribble: Rules are rules Hank, without rules there would be chaos, that's why we no longer visit the public pool
Hank Hill: But this is blatantly unfair!
Bill Dauterive: [sarcastically] Yeah poor, poor Hank with his wife and his son and his... hair
Bill Dauterive: Nobody will let him grill with propane!
[Hank leaves in disappointment]

Dale Gribble: [watching Hank bond with Luann over his proposal to get propane back at the state fair] That could've been us protesting for propane with Hank right now, gentlemen we dodged a very boring bullet
Boomhauer: I love old Hank man but my god dang man, all he ever talks about is
[mocks Hank]
Boomhauer: propane, propane, propane man, dang ol' you know about time we talk about I do for a living man
Bill Dauterive: Poor Bobby being replaced by Luann, my dad replaced me with tv and the bottle, hey we should let Bobby hang with us, seems the least we could do
Dale Gribble: Now when we ask him try not to seem too needy, and if he says no pretend like we didn't want him anyway

"King of the Hill: Tankin' It to the Streets (#6.13)" (2002)
Dale Gribble: Based on what I know about Bill - and cover-ups - I'd say the Army used him in their attempted assassination of boxing promoter Bob Arum.
Bill Dauterive: Is he right, Hank?
Hank Hill: Has be ever been right, Bill?
Dale Gribble: You don't have to answer that.

Dale Gribble: What are you asking Bill for? The Army destroyed all his brain cells with their deadly placebo drug. No wonder he's an ignoranus.
Bill Dauterive: What did you say?
Dale Gribble: Ignoranus! It means stupid, you moron!
Hank Hill: Dale, you said placebo.
Dale Gribble: Yeah, I read it in Bill's file. That was the name of the drug they gave him. Pla-ce-bo. I think it's made by Puh-fizer.
Hank Hill: Dale, you're the moron! A placebo is a fake drug. They shot Bill full of sugar water.

"King of the Hill: Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men (#3.7)" (1998)
Cotton Hill: [chewing on something with a disgusted look on his face] Tilly did you make this stuffing?, cause it tastes like garbage!
Hank Hill: [embarrassed and worried] Uh, Dad!
Cotton Hill: Did I ever tell you the time she tried to poison me with a baked chicken?
Tilly Hill: [sighing] It was chicken almondine!
Cotton Hill: It was cyanide woman!
Hank Hill: Uh, Dad could you please show Mom some respect while Bobby's in the room?
Cotton Hill: You heard him Bobby, leave the room
[Bobby stand up]
Hank Hill: No sit down Bobby
Bobby Hill: Could you at least respect Grandmom until we get to dessert?
Cotton Hill: Didi's your grandmom too Bobby, your pretty grandmom!
Hank Hill: Dad!
[Tilly sighs]
Bill Dauterive: [Tapping a knife against a glass] To the stuffing, might taste like garbage but it sure fills you up!

Jonathan: [Asking Dale about the mower] How about you Rusty?
[Dale doesn't respond]
Jonathan: Rusty?
Bill Dauterive: [Nudging Dale] Rusty!
Dale Gribble: Oh Shackleford, yes I am pro mower!
Hank Hill: What?
Dale Gribble: I like the ashtray.
Hank Hill: Don't be an idiot Dale that's the gas cap!
Cotton Hill: He's an idiot he can use it however he wants!
Dale Gribble: Thank you Colonel!
[Hank sighs]

"King of the Hill: Bobby Goes Nuts (#6.1)" (2001)
Bill Dauterive: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.
[Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin]
Dale Gribble: Be careful what you wish for.

Bill Dauterive: You have been kicked in the testicles.

"King of the Hill: Hank's Got the Willies (#1.4)" (1997)
Hank Hill: Santa Claus is for babies.
Bill Dauterive: You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

Hank Hill: [hearing a strange sound] What is that chinging sound?
Dale: One of those stealth helicopters with computerized noise-canceling capability. They're still working the chings out.
Bill Dauterive: How'd you know about the stealth helicopters?
Boomhauer: Yeah man, I tell you what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.

"King of the Hill: Dog Dale Afternoon (#3.20)" (1999)
Dale Gribble: That is a water-tight seal. I can mow my lawn in a hurricane. Can you mow your lawn in a hurricane, Bill?
Bill Dauterive: I don't know
Dale Gribble: You can't mow your lawn in a hurricane!, Can you, Boomhauer?
Boomhauer: I tell you what, man, if I got that pause-trackin' goin' on, a little choke-hold, I...
Dale Gribble: [interrupts him] Bullcorn!
[as the garage door closes]
Dale Gribble: Oh, almost forgot: Hank can you mow your lawn in a hurricane nope didn't think so ha ha ha ha!

Bill Dauterive: Easy for you to say, it wasn't your naked butt in that picture.
Hank: You took the money.

"King of the Hill: Behind Closed Doors (#12.15)" (2008)
Dale: [has a keyboard in the alley] I have decided to add musical accompaniment to liven up our conversation.
Hank Hill: I don't know. Conversation is already pretty good. We don't need any livening up.
Dale: Allow me to demonstrate. I was going to have a beer, but the tab broke.
[Plays dramatic sting]
Dale: But then I took out my pocket knife, and now my beer tastes like my back pocket.
[Plays fanfare]
Bill: Wow! You really made that come to life.
Dale: Good luck following that, Boomhauer.

Dale: Wanna hear your theme song, Hank?
[plays heavy metal riff]
Dale: I'm kidding. Here's your theme song.
[plays honky-tonk tune]
Dale: No, this is.
[plays harp arpegio]
Dale: Ha ha ha! Seriously, that is your theme.
Bill: Ooh, play my theme song!
[Dale plays comical theme with sound effects]
Bill: That is so me!

"King of the Hill: To Spank with Love (#3.11)" (1999)
Dale Gribble: [to Hank] My son is dreaming about getting spanked by your wife.
Bill Dauterive: Well, that's not so unusual.

Bill Dauterive: My daddy spanked me every day from when I was nine 'till I was sixteen and I turned out okay... bastard.

"King of the Hill: A Beer Can Named Desire (#4.6)" (1999)
Aunt Esme Dauterive: Tell me this: were you here to till the soil and nurture the vine, or were you just playing in the garden?
Bill Dauterive: Playing.
Aunt Esme Dauterive: I think it would be best if you took your leave.

Bill Dauterive: Gilbert?
Gilbert Dauterive: Your cousin is Violetta
[Violetta and Gilbert hiss at one another]
Bill Dauterive: Now how long you been sitting there?
Gilbert Dauterive: Thirty-five years.

"King of the Hill: Untitled Blake McCormick Project (#12.12)" (2008)
Charlene: Bill, I appreciate everything you do for the kids, but you don't have to buy them so much junk food.
Bill: Right... the kids. That's who I was buying it for.

Bill: I hate kids. Well, not all kids. Just the ones that are around all the time. Bill Cosby made it look so easy, and I fell for it.
Dale: We all fell for it!

"King of the Hill: Shins of the Father (#1.8)" (1997)
Bill Dauterive: [at Bobby's Birthday party] Well I'm having fun.
Stuart Dooley: Your wife divorced you!
[Bill looks sad]

"King of the Hill: Three Days of the Kahndo (#2.15)" (1998)
Bill Dauterive: I think it's nice that you're going away, Hank. You need a good vacation with your new best friend Kahn. Who you love so MUCH.
Hank: Yes, Bill, I love Kahn. Maybe if this trip works out I'll marry him and live in Mexico forever. Is that what you wanna hear?
Bill Dauterive: [Voice breaking] No.

"King of the Hill: Hank's on Board (#10.1)" (2005)
Bill Dauterive: I have a confession too Hank. In a moment of weakness on a dark rainy night I slept with Peggy.
Hank Hill: No you didn't Bill.
Bill Dauterive: I know.

"King of the Hill: The Order of the Straight Arrow (#1.3)" (1997)
Bill Dauterive: I'm so depressed I can't even blink.

"King of the Hill: Fun with Jane and Jane (#6.17)" (2002)
Bill Dauterive: Why does everything I love run away from me?

"King of the Hill: Square Peg (#1.2)" (1997)
Peggy Hill: [about attempting to teach Bobby sex education] Hank I couldn't get the words out
Bill Dauterive: Aw gee you didn't send her in to do a man's job did you?
Hank: Uh well I...
Bill Dauterive: Maybe you should let Boomhauer teach him what he knows
Boomhauer: Yeah man I'll tell ya what, ya talkin' about them dang old condom dispensers... Put little ol' 50 cents in there and try to hit that coin return... bang on that thing... Talk about her needs.
Hank: [thinks for a moment] Uh, no that's alright

"King of the Hill: Meet the Manger Babies (#2.12)" (1998)
[the TV channel keeps changing for no reason]
Hank: What's going on?
Bill Dauterive: I don't know, but I think this is the part of the movie where we should just get out of the house.

"King of the Hill: Jon Vitti Presents: 'Return to La Grunta' (#3.16)" (1999)
Bill Dauterive: [after Hank freaks out when a catfish jumps on his lap reminding him of the dolphin incident] It was an ugly fish, I got a little scared too.

"King of the Hill: Nancy Does Dallas (#13.13)" (2009)
Hank Hill: Am I the only one who thinks this story isn't news?
Bill Dauterive: How can you say that after what happened in Drundle?
Hank Hill: Nothing happened in Drundle!
Bill Dauterive: Thank God.

"King of the Hill: Phish and Wildlife (#8.12)" (2004)
Bill Dauterive: I'm using my survival skills everyday. Being alone in the woods has prepared me for being alone... just about all the time.

"King of the Hill: Three Coaches and a Bobby (#3.12)" (1999)
Coach Sauers: [to Hank] Hill you finally got a haircut.
Hank: [laughs] You noticed.
Coach Sauers: [to Boomhauer] Boomhauer how are your folks?
Boomhauer: Man, they're doing fine man, they're down in dang ol' Florida man,dang ol' lottery winner man, no problems man.
Coach Sauers: Sorry to hear that.
Coach Sauers: [to Dale] Gribble no one's killed you yet
[to Bill]
Coach Sauers: Dauterive my god man what happened?
Bill Dauterive: It's a long story, you remember...
Hank: [Interrupting him] Hey Coach we came by to see you because, well because you're the best coach Arlen has ever seen, how would you like to coach again for my son's football team?

"King of the Hill: The Accidental Terrorist (#12.13)" (2008)
Hank Hill: Peggy wants to buy a convertible.
Dale: She knows you're a heterosexual, right?
Hank Hill: It's not like I'll ever be seen driving it.
Bill: But it will be in your driveway.
Hank Hill: Hmm, you're right. I haven't thought of that.

"King of the Hill: The Texas Skilsaw Massacre (#7.7)" (2002)
Bill Dauterive: [Sitting in a wheelbarrow] When can Hank move back in?
City Inspector: [Addressing him how someone would address a child] Once all the repairs have been made, would you boys like a piece of hard candy?
Bill Dauterive: [jumping up] Yes yes I would please like a piece of candy!
City Inspector: [to Hank] I'd like to see these men in helmets

"King of the Hill: Sleight of Hank (#3.15)" (1999)
Hank: I don't like magicians, don't trust 'em.
Bill Dauterive: Ever since David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Hank: Shame on him!

"King of the Hill: Trans-Fascism (#12.11)" (2008)
Bill: You don't have to worry about me anymore, Hank. The government's doing that now.

"King of the Hill: Doggone Crazy (#12.10)" (2008)
Bill: I've never seen Hank pretend before. I don't like it.

"King of the Hill: Cops and Robert (#12.20)" (2008)
Bill: I wish I worked for someone who hands out awards, but no. I work for the Army.

"King of the Hill: Hank's Back (#8.20)" (2004)
Dale Gribble: Your shoes are untied.
Bill Dauterive: How embarrassing, I thought I removed the laces from these shoes.

"King of the Hill: A Bill Full of Dollars (#13.6)" (2008)
Bill Dauterive: I like shopping with you people. Usually the only people who talk to me are aging gay men who have lowered their standards.

"King of the Hill: Joust Like a Woman (#6.8)" (2002)
Dale Gribble: In the Middle Ages, there was an orderly procedure for the dispensation of the wife unlike in today's gynocracy. Ownership goes from the son to the dog to the best friend. Bobby's too young, Ladybird's too old I already own a wife Boomhauer doesn't have the time so Bill, this could be your in.
Bill Dauterive: Don't worry Peggy, I'll take care of you.
Peggy Hill: That is as unnecessary as it is repulsive.

"King of the Hill: Straight as an Arrow (#13.7)" (2008)
Bill Dauterive: [Looking at a childhood photo] Look how happy I am. That little guy didn't know what was gonna hit him.

"King of the Hill: 'Twas the Nut Before Christmas (#5.8)" (2000)
Bill Dauterive: You may not be happy with me now, Soldier, but you'll thank me someday.
Wally: For what? For making me a jarhead?
Bill Dauterive: No, for convincing the judge that the army is a better place for you than prison. Oh and you're not a jarhead. That's the marine corps. You're a grunt!

"King of the Hill: Chasing Bobby (#5.9)" (2001)
Dale Gribble: Knock, knock.
Bill Dauterive: Who's there?
Dale Gribble: Boo
Bill Dauterive: Boo who?
Dale Gribble: [mocking Hank's crying at the movie] Boo hoo Hank waah!
Hank: Shut up Dale!

"King of the Hill: Born Again on the Fourth of July (#13.14)" (2009)
Bill Dauterive: It think it's great how our hatred of other people has brought us together. I love you guys.

"King of the Hill: Texas City Twister (#2.2)" (1997)
Dale Gribble: You know how the Egyptians tipped over the pyramids? A rope, a cinderblock and 50,000 Hebrew slaves. Do you have a cinder block?
Bill Dauterive: I could get you a tank form the Army base. There's nothing better for pushing... except for a bulldozer, but they lock those up.

"King of the Hill: Life in the Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga (#2.21)" (1998)
Dale Gribble: [Looks at the pace car] It's nice but where are the cigarette ads?
Hank: [Spots Dale Earnhardt] Hey look it's Dale Earnhardt and he's coming this way!
Bill Dauterive: [Nervous] Oh, it's "The Intimidater"!
[laughs and runs away]
Boomhauer: [to Dale Earnhardt] Hey man remember that dang old terra third turn in Arlington man?, just turned loose man just made it, woo hoo dog!, I'll tell you what!
Dale Earnhardt: Man this rope sure is soft and pretty, I noticed it when we unloaded my car

"King of the Hill: Soldier of Misfortune (#6.2)" (2001)
Dale Gribble: Oh, God, I'm a dead man. If you guys are seen with me, Mr. Big will kill you too! So get out of here. Hank, Boomhauer, you got a lot to live for! Bill, you can stay or go, doesn't matter. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Hank: Dale, what are you doing?
Dale Gribble: I'm going to kill Mr. Big before he kills us!
[Drives off]
Bill Dauterive: [Running to Hank] Mr. Big's gonna kill us!

"King of the Hill: Death of a Propane Salesman (#3.1)" (1998)
Bill Dauterive: [Offering Hank a garbage can to sit on] Oh Hank you poor thing, you shouldn't be standing after that accident.
Hank Hill: [Annoyed] I'm fine! It's no big deal! Buildings explode, that's what they do.

"King of the Hill: Wings of the Dope (#3.23)" (1999)
Hank: What's this? It's a letter. "From the Desk of Buckley's Angel". Let's see here... "Dear Bill, Boomhauer and Dale, I have been unable to find a woman for Bill. Any woman. Or a crank shaft from a 1968 Dodge. And the porthole to Hell is actually located in Hank's garage near all of his tools and should be avoided by anyone afraid of the porthole to Hell." Well, that's that. Goodbye, Buckley's Angel.
Dale Gribble: Goodbye, Buckley's Ang... Hold the phone. Let me see that letter.
Bill Dauterive: [Gasps] That's not Buckley's handwriting. Hank!
[Hank turns the hose on them]