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] Bobby Hill
: That's my purse! I don't know you!
[Bobby took a self-defense class for women, and is attacked
] Bobby Hill
: Let go of my purse. I don't know you.
[kicks assailant in the crotch
: That's my purse! I don't know you!
: What are you gonna do? Are you gonna kick me in the nads? Bobby Hill
: Am I gonna do it? Yes. When am I gonna do it? Don't know. Could be tomorrow - now!
[kicks Clark in the crotch
] Bobby Hill
: One thing you'll find out about me, Clark, is that I'm not a very patient person.
[Hank practices boxing with Bobby
] Hank Hill
: You leave your face open, you're gonna get popped. See? Pop! Pop! Pop!
[Bobby kicks Hank in the crotch
] Bobby Hill
: You left yourself open, Dad. Pop pop!
: Please, Dad, I don't want to marry Luanne. Hank
: Well, it's a little late for that. You didn't take care of Boomhauer's, you drank beer, you messed with Luanne's lady pills. I ask you, is that responsible behavior? Bobby Hill
] No. Hank
: Well, then, having to marry Luanne will be a good lesson for you.
: You can make up for this by marrying Luanne. Bobby Hill
: But I'm only 12 years old. Hank
: Well just think, you can be married for 80 years. Bobby Hill
: Dad, you can't make me marry Luanne. Hank
: Yes, I can. You're only 12 years old.
: Luanne, I know we've had our differences but I was kinda hoping we could make up and not get married. Luanne Platter
: Uncle Hank, Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me. Hank
: Bobby, you cut that out.
: Mom, I don't want to do this. Peggy Hill
: Well of course you don't.
: Why would I put dirt on my own fruit pie? My *own* fruit pie?
: Bobby, how would you like to go to cooking school? Bobby Hill
: I'm listening. Hank
: Bobby, I know we've never talked about this, but... someday, I'm going to die. And when that happens, then you can go to cooking school.
: [Shows Bobby the pace car
] So Bobby what do you think? Bobby Hill
: [Feeling the display rope
] The rope is soft and pretty Hank
] Look at the pace car Bobby, it's what Boomhauer gets to drive if he wins his amateur race. Bobby Hill
: What's a pace car? Hank
: Well it's the car that all the other drivers have to stay behind at the beginning of a race for whenever there's a crash, if Boomhauer wins he'll have the honor of driving on the same track as Dale Earnhardt or as you'd look at it with Jeff Gordon. Bobby Hill
: Jeff Gordon's a race car driver too?, I thought he was just a cereal box model
: [Hands Hank a check
] Hey dad could you please sign this check, I already filled it out for you Hank
: [Reading the check
] Pay to the order of the Bike Barn... one hundred and seventy five dollars! Bobby Hill
: It's for a new BMX bike Hank
: You expect me to just sign this? Bobby Hill
] I think you have to or it doesn't work Hank
: Bobby these checks aren't magic tickets, they represent real money that I and to a lesser extent your mother worked real hard to earn Bobby Hill
: You can ride it whenever you want
: [Explaining the importance of money
] The point is you don't just get money because you ask for it, you want to end up like Jeff Gordon? Bobby Hill
: I like Jeff Gordon, he's handsome! Hank
: [Gasps then starts laughing nervously
] Bobby you joke around like that in public people are gonna think you ain't right
: Ya know Bobby they say old Buck Strickland started out with nothing but a single dollar bill and now he's at the top of the propane ladder, Bobby here's your dollar let's see what you can turn it into
[Later he comes back and sees Bobby bent over doing something with his back turned
: What are you doing son, did you use that dollar to start a shoe shining business? Bobby Hill
: [Turns around revealing he's eating a taco
] What? Hank
] Bobby! Bobby Hill
: You almost made me drop it! Hank
: This is what you spent your dollar on? Bobby Hill
: No I also got a quesadilla, it's from the value menu
: Ooh, laundry. Hot off the dryer.
[Bobby rubs a fresh pair of briefs on his face, pulls them on, takes off his nightshirt and runs out of the room
: 6 AM and already the boy ain't right.
: Just in case I'm incapacitated for some reason, do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line? Bobby Hill
: No. Hank
: Well, there's really no wrong way to do it.
: This tornado's already at level two on the Fujisaki scale. A storm that strong can send an egg through a barn door. Two if one door is open. Bobby Hill
: What does a level three do, Mr. Gribble? Dale Gribble
: A level three can send an egg through a brick wall. Tornado chasers call it Humpty's Revenge.
: This is no time for jokes, Boomhauer. This tornado's already classified level at 2 on the Fujisaki scale. Storm that strong'll send an egg through a barn door. Two barn doors if one of 'em's open. Bobby Hill
: What will a level three do, Mr. Gribble? Dale Gribble
: Level three will send an egg through a *brick wall*. Tornado chasers call it "Humpty's Revenge".
: [Bobby and Joseph are playing with toy figures
] You want my Chandler or my Ross? Joseph Gribble
: Can I shoot him full of BBs? Bobby Hill
: Okay. Joseph Gribble
: Then Ross.
: Hey Bobby, your mom's gonna teach sex ed. Bobby Hill
: Yeah, I know. Stuart Dooley
: We're gonna get to see her boobs.
: Bobby, honey, um... What do you know about sexual relations? Bobby Hill
: I don't know, nothing much, I'm a little worried about being a slut.
: Mexicans have fifteen, Jews have thirteen, rich girls have sweet sixteen... everybody has a crazy birthday but poor old Christian boy! Peggy Hill
: Your baptism was amazing. Bobby Hill
: So I've heard. Fourteen isn't taken, maybe that could be my special day. We could call it Sweet Fourteeno. We'll have music and dancing, and I'll have to eat fourteen hot dogs before sunset, or I shall remain a boy forever!
: How about this? I'm just thinking out loud here, but hear me out. In realty there was this practice called redlining that prevented black people from owning. Now that was obviously bad, but if applied on hipsters, I think I could be an effective tool. Hank Hill
: Peggy, no. Peggy Hill
: Think about it, Hank. With the hipsters gone, rents will go down, prices will stabilize, and Enrique can move back in. Bobby Hill
: Or, how about this? What do hipsters like? Cool things! So, we build a place called Coolsville and fill it with cool stuff. In Coolsville, there is music everywhere and everyone owns convertibles. Hank Hill
: Ugh! Sounds like Austin.
: The thing about fourteen year-old girls is that they are obsessed with the popular girls. Love them or hate them, they want to talk about them. Just mention the popular girls, and I promise you the only problem will be getting her to shut up.
: Oh my God, I'm out of cigs. Bobby Hill
: Mr. Gribble, who is your number one favorite hero? Dale
: You are if you get me some smokes.
: [to Bobby
] Hello son, have I seen you before? Bobby Hill
: I'm the kid who hit you on the head. Willie Nelson
: With a rake? Bobby Hill
: No with a golf club. Willie Nelson
: I want my quarter back!
: Hey, I know you. You're the kid who rakes my lawn. Bobby Hill
: No, sir. I'm the kid who hit you in the head. Willie Nelson
: With my rake? Bobby Hill
: No, sir, with a golf club. Willie Nelson
: You rake my yard with a golf club? I want my quarter back.
: What is wrong with you, boy? Why weren't you at church? Bobby Hill
: I *was* getting ready, but I worked up an appetite looking for dress pants, so I ordered a pizza, and that ate up a chunk of time. Hank Hill
: Where'd you get the money? Peggy Hill
: [Bobby glances at Peggy's purse
] He stole it! Hank, you check the liquor cabinet. I'll check between his toes for needle marks!
: You took the wrong message from what that preacher was screaming at you. You can't go throwing stones at others until you've thrown a bunch of stones at yourself. Bobby Hill
: I guess you're right. Lucky
: Besides, saving souls is not your job. That position is taken, in Heaven by the Big Man, and on screen by Morgan Freeman.
: Bobby, could you help me to put up Fourth of July decorations? Bobby Hill
: To tell you the truth, dad, that sounds boring. It's okay if you're into boring, but I'm not.
: Why are you always trying to turn me into you? Why can't you accept me for who I am? Hank
] Yeah yeah, we both saw that after-school special, but I'm not an alcoholic and you're not an ice skater, so let's go.
: Dad how did you know this was going to happen? Hank
: It's a fact of life Bobby. When you have teenaged boys, husky boys, and doughnuts all in the same place you're just asking for trouble.
: Finish your vegetables! Bobby Hill
: They're aren't any vegetables. Luanne
: Don't talk back to your pretend mother!
: We tried being strict, and we tried being fun, maybe we should try being both at the same time. Luanne
: Bobby, get in here! Bobby, go wash up or you don't get any supper! Lucky
: Surprise! Your first lighter. Luanne
: Go to your room! Lucky
: I'll bring you some pudding. Luanne
: Floss! Lucky
: Tag, you're it. Bobby Hill
: I can't take this anymore!
: We're gonna be the best parents ever.
: To catch a fish, you must think like a fish. Bobby Hill
: I'm wet and I don't even know it. Hank Hill
: That's not what I mean. Look, where are fish likely to gather? Maybe by that patch of algae. Bobby Hill
: That algae does look pretty good.
: Maybe it's just like you said. To catch a fish, you must think like a fish. We just have to think like hippies. Hank Hill
: That is impossible. Bobby Hill
: Come on, dad. How do you know if you don't try. I'm a hippie. I'm naked because I smoked all my clothes.
[holding a big foam "#1" finger
] Bobby Hill
: Does this finger match these short pants?
: What did the doctor say honey? Hank Hill
: I poked myself in the eye, it's the darnedest thing Tilly Hill
: But what about the other eye? Hank Hill
: Well it seems the other eye compensates by shutting itself down, it's one of natures wonders Gary Kasner
: My entire life I've been reading "Psychology Today", I-I never heard of an eye sympathetically shutting down, hmm. Hank Hill
: [seemingly pointing at him
] I got a magazine you ought to read, it's called "The Ten Commandments"! Gary Kasner
: Who's he talking to? Hank you want I should come over there? Bobby Hill
: [imitating him
] You want I should come over there?
] Bobby Hill
: That is so Arizona!
: Why do you hate what you don't understand, Dad? Hank
: I don't hate you, Bobby. Bobby Hill
: I meant soccer. Hank
] Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.
: [to Hank, regarding the football coach
] I think you hurt him... Hit him again to make sure.
: There's some milk in the fridge that's about to go bad...
] Bobby Hill
: and there it goes.
: [Playing checkers while under the influence of Ritalin
] There are 96 notches on every checker except this one.
: I want you to promise me you won't ever do drugs, Bobby. Bobby Hill
: I promise! Hank
: A promise means *nothing* when a junkie tricks you into smoking a joint, when you think it's a cigarette, which you shouldn't smoke either, now promise me! Promise me, Bobby! Bobby Hill
: OK, OK, I promise! Hank
] Promises mean nothing.
: You know, if I did something like this you'd punish me. Maybe I should be able to punish you. Hank
: Well okay, Son. What's my punishment? Am I grounded? Bobby Hill
: That's too easy. You cannot mow the lawn for one week. Hank
: Aw come on, Son, it was an accident. Bobby Hill
: You wanna go for two?
: [in horror
] You painted Clouds? Bobby Hill
: White puffy clouds!
: And now, for my next miracle, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers. Peggy Hill
: I am so disappointed. I was going to walk back to the dugout like an Egyptian. Hank Hill
: I'm sure sorry I missed that.
: [after Ladybird attacks the sofa cushion
] Maybe after all those years of not being allowed on the couch, she finally snapped.
: So, when do we round up some perps? Officer Brown
: We don't. I used to see criminals and dead bodies. Those were happier times.
: Ok! Let's do this! Officer Brown
: Uh... well no Bobby. I'm going to go in by myself. Bobby Hill
: What? Why? Officer Brown
: You're only 13. If something were to happen to you I'd never forgive myself for the damage to my reputation.
: A whole new crop of girls. None of these girls have heard my Flatulent Monkey Goes To The Post Office routine.
: What is this place? Bobby Hill
: It looks like the lair of a human, or a very smart animal.
[Hank finds his son drinking at Bill's place
] Bobby Hill
: Hey dad, I like beer!
: [All three are drunk from drinking from a 40 oz beer bottle
] Come here, just think Connie girl when we're grownups and marrieds we'll get to do this every night! Kahn Souphanousinphone, Jr.
: [Slurring her speech
] Yeah I want a house just like this
[indicating the bounce house they're lying in
] Kahn Souphanousinphone, Jr.
: with soft floors and plastic windows. Joseph Gribble
: [Looking up at the ceiling which has stars painted on it
] Look at the stars, there's... like so many of 'em!
: I'm going to grow up without anyone to love and die friendless and alone like Weird Al Yancovich.
: My dad says butane's a bastard gas.
: [as Hank throws Bobby's clown makeup in the trash
] That's Luanne's makeup. Bobby Hill
: You're not only a clown, you're a thief! I don't know which is worse... *Clown.*
: Bobby, I'm trying to help you. You see, a *circus* clown is a carnie who's too stupid to flip a ride switch on and off. Now you take a circus clown, roll him on the barn floor, and kick him in the head a couple hundred times, and what have you got? Bobby Hill
] Your son!
: [watching a football game from the top row of the stadium
] Dad, the birds flying below us are blocking my view of the game.
: [Marie has taken Bobby outside of the house from the party after he had turned off the music to stop her from dancing with the other boys
] Who were those guys? Why were you dancing with all of those guys? Marie
: I don't know I felt like dancing, I wanted to dance. Bobby Hill
: Who were those guys? Why were you dancing with all of those guys? Marie
: BOBBY those were just friends. We were just dancing. Bobby Hill
: What about us? Your supposed to dance with just me and maybe some of your girlfriends but mostly just me. Marie
: Now wait Bobby this is getting way to intense were only friends. Bobby Hill
: [Bobby starts to sputter
] But I... I thought we were more than that. Marie
: Bobby your a funny guy you make me laugh that's all. Bobby Hill
: But we kissed. Marie
: Yes and looking back now maybe that was a mistake. Bobby Hill
: MISTAKE? That was the single most important thing in my life. Marie
: Look Bobby I don't think we should hang out together anymore. Bobby Hill
: JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING DANCING WITH ALL OF THOSE GUYS. Marie
: Goodbye Bobby.
[Marie kisses his forehead
] Bobby Hill
: You kissed me that means were back together again. Marie
[Walks away from Bobby and starts to go back into the house to rejoin the party to dance with the other boys
: Why is there such a big fence, Dad? Hank
: Well, millions of people come to America in search of a better life, and we've decided we don't need that many. Bobby Hill
: Did the Soupinusanphones come through the fence? Hank
: No, Bobby, Kahn applied the legal way. Sometimes the system fails us.
: [watching Big Tex being set up
] Son look there's Big Tex, he's like the Grand Canyon and the Statue of Liberty rolled into one Bobby Hill
: He seems tough but kind Hank Hill
: Yep he always tells us what to do, and see, and eat, I've got better advice from him than my own father Big Tex
: Howdy folks
[Bobby gasps in amazement
] Big Tex
: howdy, howdy
[worker speaks into Big Tex's speakers
] Big Tex
: Check, check uh, one
[back in his regular voice
] Big Tex
: [Slamming a piece of charcoal on the table
] You brought charcoal into our house! Peggy Hill
: I didn't know what it was Luanne asked me to hold it for her, I thought it was drugs! Hank Hill
: [Holding up Bobby's hand
] There's soot under my boy's nails, you don't get that from a clean burning fuel! Bobby Hill
: You don't get the rich smokey flavor either. Hank Hill
: [Scolding him
] You shut your mouth!, now we're going to sit here and pray.
: The persecution of our kind is on the rise. Perhaps it's time to take our powers to the next level. Tonight we are going to kick it up a notch and summon a dread force that will bestow upon us unequalled power. Of course we'll need someone to be the Chalice holder. Bobby Hill
: I'll do it. Ward Rackley
: Excellent, my young apprentice, you will earn that white wizard cone yet. We will convene at the ceremony grounds at half past the eighth hour, assuming that fat ass let's me leave on time.
: I thought you said that tree-huggers like me and Mr. McKay were a bunch of noodle-brained Communists. Hank Hill
: No! No! Heh-heh. No, no, no! Heh-heh. No. Bobby Hill
: This is great! I'm gonna get extra credit for bringing you all on board! We're gonna save itchy algae! Hank Hill
: Yeah! Itchy algae! Dale Gribble
: Earth first, make Mars our bitch!
: Oh. Spoons. Can I assume the potatoes will be mashed tonight?
: [to Bobby
] So son what are you listening to? Bobby Hill
: I don't think you'd like it dad. Hank
: Sure I would. I like this new age music. Hank
: [character on the CD
[a farting sound occurs
: Bwah it's all toilet humor! Bobby what the person on your tape has is a medical disorder!
: [Hank walks into Bobby's room to find Bobby listening to the radio
] Good Lord, what is this smut you're listening to? Bobby Hill
: It's not smut. It's Radio Disney.
: Bobby, every woman has a period... Uh, of time... Every month... Bobby Hill
: Even Mom? Hank
] Bobby, if we're gonna get through this, you cannot ask me questions like that.
: [chewing on something with a disgusted look on his face
] Tilly did you make this stuffing?, cause it tastes like garbage! Hank Hill
: [embarrassed and worried
] Uh, Dad! Cotton Hill
: Did I ever tell you the time she tried to poison me with a baked chicken? Tilly Hill
] It was chicken almondine! Cotton Hill
: It was cyanide woman! Hank Hill
: Uh, Dad could you please show Mom some respect while Bobby's in the room? Cotton Hill
: You heard him Bobby, leave the room
[Bobby stand up
] Hank Hill
: No sit down Bobby Bobby Hill
: Could you at least respect Grandmom until we get to dessert? Cotton Hill
: Didi's your grandmom too Bobby, your pretty grandmom! Hank Hill
] Bill Dauterive
: [Tapping a knife against a glass
] To the stuffing, might taste like garbage but it sure fills you up!
: [playing a propane salesman
] I only sell C-3-H8. That smells like C-H4. Joe Jack
: [dressed as a big baby
] I need a new diaper. Baby did a bad, bad thing. Peggy Hill
: [Hank laughs like crazy
] It is a fart joke, Hank.
[Hank pauses a moment, then laughs again
: Hank, today is Bill's physical. Bobby, it's chicken and dumpling day in the cafeteria. And I have a pap smear. Bobby Hill
: Dang it, I hate chicken and dumpling day. Trade with you, mom.
: That intruder story has me on edge. Used to be the only thing we had to worry about in school is getting pantsed. Joseph Gribble
: School used to be my time to relax, but now... I'm all on edge!
[Bobby saw Luanne naked
] Joseph Gribble
: Does she have big boobs? Bobby Hill
: Yeah. This can't be happening. She's my cousin. I have to get that image out of my head. Joseph Gribble
: Put it into my head.
: Bobby, I need you to create a distraction. Bobby Hill
: Hmmm, a chance to stretch my improv muscles. I like it.
: If you're going to shoot me, I want Bobby Hill to take the shot, because he'll put me down clean. Bobby Hill
[tries to take a gun from a police officer
: I'll be the hostess with the most-ess. Hank
: Son, I'm going to show you how the world really works. I'm going to take your wallet, kick you to the ground, and punch you in the gut. Bobby Hill
: Ummm... okay.
: [Luanne arrives at the Hill's
] Luanne, what's up, girlfriend? I have not seen you in the longest!
: Also, I got you both cell phones. Bobby Hill
: Cool! Peggy Hill
: That only call to me. Bobby Hill
: Oh. Can I receive calls, then? Peggy Hill
: From me. Bobby Hill
: I do believe I'll give room service a jangle and have them send up some etouffee.
: Donuts were one of life's little joys. If the government bans puppy breath and good yawns, I'll have nothing left to live for.
: There's no way you're going with me to grandpa's. This is the last year he can spoil me, and I'm not willing to share. Besides, he doesn't even know your name. Luanne Platter
: Yes, he does. I'm Missy Melons...
: Can I put a gun rack on my bike? Hank
: Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask that?
: [to Hank about Dale
] Please don't make eye contact with him, it makes him start howling.
: Would it cheer you up if I put these fig newtons up my nose?
: Does Bobby have a girlfriend?
: "Happy Valentine's Day, Joseph. Love Bobby"? "Hey hot stuff"? Bobby, you can't give this to Joseph. Bobby Hill
: Why not? He IS hot stuff. You should see him skateboard. Hank
: Bobby, if you give a Valentine to a sixth grade boy, girls are gonna think you're... sensitive. Something like that could follow you the rest of your life. Now here's a candy for Joseph. It says, "Hey, You're O.K."
[Throws card in the trash
: We'll just put this card over here right now.
: How is it that you know so much about golf? Bobby Hill
: I've seen Happy Gilmore about 50 times. Hank Hill
: I hate Adam Sandler.
: Everybody's got a deer and I don't.
] Bobby Hill
: Everything looks so Christmasy. Now I know how the Jewish kids feel.
: [Peggy is upset about her feet
] Mom, I'm fat. But big deal. I don't feel bad about it. You never made me feel bad about it, and just because there are some people in the world who want me to feel bad about it, doesn't mean I have to. So Bobby's fat. Eh. He's also funny, nice, he's got a lot of friends, a girlfriend, and if you don't mind, I think I'll go outside and squirt her with water. What are *you* gonna do?
: Shirley Temple, meet Mr. Roy Rogers.