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Quotes for
Toni (Character)
from "Peep Show" (2003)

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"Peep Show: Warring Factions (#1.1)" (2003)
Jeremy Usborne: So, Toni's friends. Who, what, why, where?
Toni: Well, that's the fun, I don't know anyone! These are our neighbours.
Mark Corrigan: Neighbours?
Toni: Why, did you think I was going to invite my friends? I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can't take any more of your husband's shit.

[During a game where people wear notes on their forehead with a famous name on them and they have to guess who it is]
Toni: Hey Jeremy, have you worked out your...
Jeremy Usborne: [his one is David Blunkett] Oh, don't even go there. It is literally impossible. Turns out I'm just someone's secretary.
Mark Corrigan: The HOME Secretary, Jeremy, you're the Home Secretary.

Mark Corrigan: Yeah, so, er, Jeremy tells me you watched a porno together. You know, I'd be into...
Toni: That wasn't a porno. That was The English Patient.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ha! What an idiotic boob! He's out, I'm in!

Toni: Don't do anything I wouldn't do, sis... which leaves her a hell of a lot of leeway!

Mark Corrigan: [trying to seduce Toni by talking about Stalingrad] See, by the winter of '42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed Sixth Army. It was pressing...
[he holds Toni's hand]
Mark Corrigan: And pressing. The Russians couldn't on much longer. Many wanted to submit.
Toni: Mark, you know I don't just bang anyone, yeah? I'm not some kind of next-door fuck jar.
Mark Corrigan: No. No, of course not. What I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched, Zhukov countered...
[he puts Toni's hand back in her lap]
Mark Corrigan: And the siege was broken. And that's all the story of Stalingrad.


"Peep Show: On the Pull (#1.3)" (2003)
Toni: How dare she criticize Peter Gabriel. With her little "screw-me" haircut and all so
[pulling a a face and doing a silly voice]
Toni: nee-nee-nee-nee. You know, he single-handedly created WOMAD.
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh God, please stop talking about Peter Gabriel.

Jeremy Usborne: So, girls, what's the weirdest place you've ever done it?
Toni: I had a steward eat me at the multi-faith area at Dubai airport. God, that was depressing.

[Toni is having sex with Jez while her estranged husband is still in the flat]
Jeremy Usborne: Couldn't we close the door?
Toni: The idea of getting caught turns me on!
Jeremy Usborne: But we've already been caught.
Tony: [from another room] What about the cappuccino machine?
Toni: You're NEVER... TAKING... THE GAGGIA!

Jeremy Usborne: What? It's eat as much you can, you know.
Toni: No, it's eat as much you like. There's no competitive element implied.
Jeremy Usborne: At £3.99 I think I know who's winning.


"Peep Show: Dream Job (#1.5)" (2003)
Toni: Do I look like the kind of person who eats pizza?

Toni: Jeremy, we're two single people having a great time. If you can't handle that, then go back to the 50s.
Super Hans: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you should make a move, mate.
Jeremy Usborne: OK, yeah, mate. I'll make a move, how about this for a move?
[he grabs Mark's hand holding the pepper spray and sprays it into Super Hans's eyes]
Super Hans: AHH! Ah, fuck me!
[Jeremy starts kicking him]
Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, that's enough! Jez, there's no need to...
[he sprays the pepper spray in Jeremy's face]
Jeremy Usborne: AGGHH! Arghh, you fucking sprayed me! You fucking sprayed me!
Mark Corrigan: It's for your own good!


"Peep Show: Wedding (#2.6)" (2004)
[At Jeremy and Nancy's wedding service]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] There he goes, dead man walking. I tried, I failed. Got to let him make his own mistakes, like Dad did with me and the strimmer.
Tony: She looks lovely, doesn't he?
Mark Corrigan: Yeah.
Toni: Jesus. Didn't realise I was with the fucking Nancy Appreciation Society. Tony, if you'd like to bang her, why don't you just come out and say it?
Tony: OK. I would like to bang her.

Toni: How is the Yank? She started spanking your plank again?
Jeremy Usborne: That's not terribly important really, Toni. You see, we're very much in love.
Toni: Jez, I've seen Love Story. I know how it ends, yeah? Here's a clue, somebody dies.


"Peep Show: The Interview (#1.2)" (2003)
Toni: The first thing to say is this is definitely not pyramid selling, OK
Jeremy Usborne: Right, good. What's pyramid selling?


"Peep Show: Funeral (#1.6)" (2003)
Toni: My dad died when I was 3 but I haven't let it screw me up. I don't waste my life looking for a man to fill a dad-shaped hole.
[she opens her front door to meet her date, a silver-haired middle-aged man]


"Peep Show: Jeremy Makes It (#2.2)" (2004)
Toni: So, stop all the clocks, Tony and Toni are getting remarried!
Tony: And sure, we made a few mistakes the first time round but now we've the chance to make them all over again!
Toni: Already he starts with the jokes. At least one of us is serious about actually giving this a fucking go!
[she flounces off]