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Quotes for
Jeff Heaney (Character)
from "Peep Show" (2003)

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"Peep Show: The Man Show (#2.5)" (2004)
Jeff Heaney: [to Mark] Gay or not, there's no threat from you, pal. You could have your cock in her, you still wouldn't have the balls to fuck.

Jeff Heaney: So basically, Man is programed to do two things - kill and nob. In the Stone Age, you'd get up, kill an antelope...
Jeremy Usborne: And nob the corpse.
Jeff Heaney: No, Jez.


"Peep Show: Wedding (#2.6)" (2004)
[Mark is at Sophie's place with a couple of her friends but her now ex-boyfriend Jeff has come round to collect his stuff and is spoiling the evening]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Shit, this is just not normal. Someone's got to do something.
[looking at Sam the Buddhist]
Mark Corrigan: He's gonna just stand there like Jeff's the invading Chinese army.
[looking at Sophie and Karen]
Mark Corrigan: They're women, that old get-out. Oh God, it's got to be me!
[he gets up]
Mark Corrigan: Listen Jeff. I, er, I think, you know, it's time you left.
Jeff Heaney: Oh, really? And what are you gonna do about it, exactly?
Mark Corrigan: What am I gonna do?
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan: What am I gonna do?
[to Jeff]
Mark Corrigan: Nothing. Except stand here, like a civilised man, and wait for you to do the civilised thing and leave.
[Jeff looks at him, then looks at Sophie]
Jeff Heaney: [meekly] Yeah, well, I'll just be getting some CDs out the bedroom.
[he quietly leaves the room]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Brilliant. Probably looks like I was ready to punch him, when actually I was going to use the Buddhist as a human shield.


"Peep Show: Jeremy's Broke (#5.3)" (2008)
[after a meeting where Mark accidentally clamped a bullclip onto his lip]
Jeff Heaney: Perhaps it would be better if you left the self-harming for the weekend, mate.
[he laughs]
Dobby: [doing a sarcastic little song while dancing a little jig] Jeff's doing a joke, Jeff's doing a joke, everybody quiet cos Jeff's doing a joke.
[awkward silence]
Jeff Heaney: Freak.


"Peep Show: Spin War (#5.2)" (2008)
Jeff Heaney: What's that on your trousers?
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh God, it's seeping through!
Jeff Heaney: Have you pissed yourself?
Mark Corrigan: Er... yeah. Yeah, I did a little bit of wee on myself, so...
Jeff Heaney: You twat!
[Jeff and Sophie laugh at him]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh yeah, they can laugh, but I win because they think I pissed myself, they've no clue I came all in my pants!


"Peep Show: Local Zero (#2.3)" (2004)
[Mark is trying to provoke Jeff into hitting him, so the office security cameras can pick it up]
Mark Corrigan: Stolen any good cars lately, Mr Scouser? Where's your native wit now, eh, Mr Stupid?
Jeff Heaney: Watch it, mate!
Mark Corrigan: Come on, Jeff, let's get down to it shall we? You stupid, stinking chicken fucker!
[Jeff tries to leave the room but Mark blocks the doorway, making a chicken noise]
Mark Corrigan: Ooh, those chickens really love it when that big rooster Jeff comes-a-calling!


"Peep Show: On the Pull (#1.3)" (2003)
Jeff Heaney: So, Valerie, you still at school, or what?
Mark Corrigan: She's at college, actually.
Valerie: Sixth-Form College.
Mark Corrigan: Yeah, that's still college.
Jeff Heaney: Right. So, what's your favourite subject, then?
Sophie Chapman: I'm sure Valerie doesn't want to talk about subjects, she's bowling.
Jeff Heaney: Yeah, sure, sure, course, yeah. So, who do you think's best in S-Club, then?
Valerie: Oh, erm... I'm not really into them, but I hear they have a big gay following.
[She does the blow-job gesture to Mark and goes to bowl. Sophie smiles at Mark, Jeff looks bemused]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.