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Quotes for
Super Hans (Character)
from "Peep Show" (2003)

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"Peep Show: Jeremy Makes It (#2.2)" (2004)
Jeremy Usborne: [On finishing recording at studio] Brilliant, fantastic! What did you think Hans?
Super Hans: Crack. Just gimme crack.
Jeremy Usborne: Well I loved it.
[Begins to exit studio]
Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, don't just go...
Super Hans: I'll suck for crack!
Jeremy Usborne: Yeh, c'mon Super Hans, let's get you some crack.

[They're trying to threaten Gog into giving them their money]
Super Hans: Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall.
[he pours the cereal onto the floor]
Jeremy Usborne: [brandishing baseball bat at Gog] Not so rich and successful now with a piece of wood in your face, hmm?
Mark Corrigan: Look, Jeremy, we can come back again, he's got the message. You're gonna pay, aren't you?
Gog: No.
Mark Corrigan: All right then, we've got our answer. Let's go!
Super Hans: We've got to hurt him on principle. Hit him with the fucking bat, Jez.
Jeremy Usborne: Why do I have to? Why don't you do it? Punch him with the glove.
Super Hans: [holding up his hand wearing a baseball glove] Punch him? I can't even make a fist!
Mark Corrigan: This is the whole point about contract law, the whole point of a contract is to make sure this kind of thing never happens!

Jeremy Usborne: Hans, you realise we've only got 39 minutes left?
Super Hans: Oh right, so now we're "working" it's not OK for me to smoke my crack?
Jeremy Usborne: Yes, exactly! Exactly!
Super Hans: What, so next you're gonna boot me out for not wearing a jacket and tie?

Super Hans: Tell you what, that crack is really more-ish.

Super Hans: What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.
[he presses a key on his keyboard and holds it, playing a deep bass note]
Super Hans: See, the longer the note, the more dread.
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] God, that's terrible. It's worse than Darryl's bloody cor anglais. Oh, they're useless. I wish they were all robots. I wish I was a robot. Maybe I could punch through a wall.

Jeremy Usborne: How are you feeling, Super Hans?
Super Hans: Fine. Totally fine.
Mark Corrigan: You've kicked the crack?
Super Hans: No, except now I bang a load of Valium up me arsehole for the comedown.

"Peep Show: Jeremy's Mummy (#5.4)" (2008)
Super Hans: It's a pisser, though, innit? Cancer. They should a find a fucking cure.
Mark Corrigan: I think they're trying.
Super Hans: Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out.

Super Hans: [reading from an old quiz book he's found] I have a mouth, but do not speak. I have a bed, but never sleep. What am I?
Mark Corrigan: A river.
Super Hans: Nicholas Lyndhurst.
Mark Corrigan: I think that's the wrong answer section.
Super Hans: [throws the book down] Fuck this shit.

Super Hans: Jez, can you tell me, as a mate, someone who knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?
Jeremy Usborne: [looks down] No.
Super Hans: Thanks. That's good.
Jeremy Usborne: Are you tripping?
Super Hans: The shit I'm seeing, I fucking well hope so!

Super Hans: You couldn't get me any glue, could you? Take the edge off.
Jeremy Usborne: Glue?
Super Hans: Yeah, glue's coming back. Nature's glue.
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] I've never done glue. Never boffed a tranny. I've hardly lived.

Super Hans: You should drop acid at the funeral. Make it more intense. That's what I did at me old man's, it was fucking mental. I was crying and laughing. Didn't know who was dead and who was alive.

"Peep Show: Dream Job (#1.5)" (2003)
Super Hans: So, you're all set, ain't ya? You, my friend, are a music studio reception runner now. Gets the women hot.
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah?
Super Hans: Oh yeah. It's a savage garden, my friend, a savage garden.
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Shall I ask what he means?

Super Hans: [after getting off the phone with the studio manager] Sorry, mate. Nothing I can do, you're out.
Jeremy Usborne: Fired? But...
Super Hans: Ron's a tough nut. I did everything I could.
Jeremy Usborne: What? You didn't do shit!
Super Hans: Earlier. Had the whole thing out with him earlier, I threatened to walk, he was having none of it.
Jeremy Usborne: So, are you gonna walk now?
Super Hans: Steady on, mate. I'm not Spartacus.
Jeremy Usborne: That's pretty bloody obvious.

Jeremy Usborne: Call yourself a mate, mate?
Super Hans: What?
Jeremy Usborne: Oh yeah, right, "What?". I saw you leave her flat this morning.
Super Hans: She wanted bongo lessons. What can I say, the lady has a passion for percussion.
Jeremy Usborne: She hasn't got a bongo, you weren't carrying a bong... there was no bongo.
Super Hans: Look, you don't need a drum to teach someone...
Jeremy Usborne: Look mate, I'm next door, I heard you, your... noise, last night.
Super Hans: Oh that, that was nothing, that was... press-ups.
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah, well, you certainly seemed to enjoy the last few a lot.
Super Hans: Hey mate, sometimes you've really got to push for the burn.

Toni: Jeremy, we're two single people having a great time. If you can't handle that, then go back to the 50s.
Super Hans: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you should make a move, mate.
Jeremy Usborne: OK, yeah, mate. I'll make a move, how about this for a move?
[he grabs Mark's hand holding the pepper spray and sprays it into Super Hans's eyes]
Super Hans: AHH! Ah, fuck me!
[Jeremy starts kicking him]
Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, that's enough! Jez, there's no need to...
[he sprays the pepper spray in Jeremy's face]
Jeremy Usborne: AGGHH! Arghh, you fucking sprayed me! You fucking sprayed me!
Mark Corrigan: It's for your own good!

"Peep Show: Mark Makes a Friend (#1.4)" (2003)
[Jeremy and Super Hans are in the flat, in the aftermath of a drug binge]
Jeremy Usborne: What happened?
Super Hans: That will probably become clear later, like the French Revolution.

Jeremy Usborne: [lying groggily on the sofa] Super Hans... what are we doing?
Super Hans: [sitting on the floor, rolling a joint] We are looking the other end of the telescope.
Jeremy Usborne: I don't feel very well. Did something bad happen?
Super Hans: Everything's OK. Look, there two basic energies in the world - stress and relaxation.
Jeremy Usborne: Did I break through?
Super Hans: No idea. You passed out after the love beans. I thought the table was being ironic.

Super Hans: We are gonna have parties in this place that go beyond fun and actually get really, really nasty.

Super Hans: [about Mark] So, when's the Iron Duke moving out?
Jeremy Usborne: Um, I dunno. Maybe a few weeks. I mean, nothing's really decided yet.
Super Hans: Tell you what, as a fucking-off present, why don't we spike him?
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah. Or maybe get him a nice watch or...
Super Hans: Yeah, he'll be like "Oh, I couldn't make the meeting today, boss. I gotta fax me soul off to God, for an upgrade."

"Peep Show: Jeremy's Manager (#5.5)" (2008)
Cally: So, I checked out your stuff on MySpace and I literally freaked, big time.
Jeremy Usborne: [to Super Hans] Yeah, see? I was so right to get us on the internet. The internet's gonna be massive, I keep telling you.
Super Hans: Yeah, we'll see.

Jeremy Usborne: [looking at some DVDs Hans has brought] What's those, something a bit red hot for downtime?
Super Hans: Don't pigeonhole me, dude. Barchester Chronicles. Ecclesiastical politics when you're high. These guys really knew how to do a fucking number on each other.

Jeremy Usborne: [telling Mark he can come with him and Super Hans on the tour] But, no, Mark. We're going on tour. We're gonna get fucked up and monged out and messed up and dicked over.
Super Hans: We wanna wallow in our own filth, Mark. Have a good old fucking wallow.
Mark Corrigan: But I've bought a tour jacket especially, it's leather and it has lapels so I can wear it to work.
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah, if you start working for the Gestapo. Look, man, we're a rock band, yeah? If people see us hangin' out with a doink like you, not being rude...
Mark Corrigan: You are being rude.
Jeremy Usborne: Then that takes away a hell of a lot of our credibility.
Super Hans: You've got a bloody suitcase on wheels. Real men don't get the Earth to help carry their luggage, mate. They carry it themselves.
Jeremy Usborne: This is because of Cally, isn't it? That's why you want to come. You're trying to have a pop at the champ
Mark Corrigan: No, not at all. I've always been a big supporter of you and your music. Please, Jez, I'm getting divorced, I need something to pep me up.
Super Hans: I could do with a roadie. Someone to pick the lovelies after the gig. Hump the gear. Sniff out the street chat.
Mark Corrigan: Exactly. Drugs, birds and physical labour. Them's me specialties.
Jeremy Usborne: Alright, you can come, but, all the time while we're on tour, you will need to SHUT UP. Alright?

"Peep Show: Seasonal Beatings (#7.5)" (2010)
[Jeremy answers the door. It's Super Hans]
Super Hans: Happy Christmas, motherfucker.
Jeremy Usborne: Hans!
Super Hans: Have a guess what Santa's got in his sack.
[reaches inside his bag and takes out a bundle of marijuana]
Super Hans: Answer: a wicked big bag of sinister minister.
Jeremy Usborne: [taking it] Ah. Happy Christmas.
Mark Corrigan: Hans?
Super Hans: Merry Christmas, Mark.
Mark Corrigan: Jeremy...
Jeremy Usborne: [quietly, to Mark] I'm not going to.
Mark Corrigan: Well, don't.
Sarah: Super Hans! Merry Christmas, glass of Cava?
Super Hans: [coming in] Don't mind if I do. Mind out boys, Father Spliffmas coming through.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Great. Methadone in the mulled wine.
Jeremy Usborne: What?
Mark Corrigan: It's your fault.
Jeremy Usborne: It's not my fault. I was holding the line.
Mark Corrigan: Yes, but you know him. You shouldn't know him.
Jeremy Usborne: Well, I'm sorry, but I do know him.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ugh. Merry migraine and a happy new stomach ulcer.

[During a game of Charades]
Dan Corrigan: Jez, over here. Got one for you.
[whispers in Jeremy's ear]
Dan Corrigan: Thus Spake Zarathustra.
Jeremy Usborne: Excuse me?
Dan Corrigan: It's a book by Nietzsche.
[he grins wickedly]
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh, great. Fucking thanks, Dan. Thus? No. Spake? No. Zarathustra? Nope.
[he starts flapping his arms like a chicken]
Super Hans: Chicken Run.
Jeremy Usborne: Correct.
[he goes to sit back down]
Dan Corrigan: But...
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Fuck you, Dan.
[out loud, innocently]
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said Chicken Run.

Super Hans: Oi, Mrs C, answer me this, have you ever had a parrot?
Pam Corrigan: Err... no.
Super Hans: It's just you look like you might enjoy a cock-or-two.
Pam Corrigan: [laughs] Oh! That's very cheeky, Hans.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] This is the spirit of Christmas, Super Hans bonking Mum doggy-style in the airing cupboard.

"Peep Show: New Year's Eve (#7.6)" (2010)
Jeremy Usborne: Who's the chick?
Super Hans: That's no chick, man. That's the love of my life.
Jeremy Usborne: Wow. And what does she...
Super Hans: I don't know much about her, she don't speak English. We speak the language of love. And a tiny little bit of German.
Jeremy Usborne: Right.
Super Hans: I tell you, man, she is the one. I'd take a bullet for her. I'd take a bullet up the arris for her.
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, that's nice.
Super Hans: I'd take a fucking truncheon up the arris for this one. Or an umbrella. I would open an umbrella up inside my arris for this one.
Mark Corrigan: Hans, we get the message, there's probably no need to list all the things you'd put up your bottom for your girlfriend.

Super Hans: You want the knack, Mark? With women?
Mark Corrigan: Well... yes, I suppose I do.
Super Hans: Want the knack? Get smack.
Mark Corrigan: Smack?
Super Hans: Get smacked out of it, then you'll get the ladies.
Mark Corrigan: Really?
Super Hans: Maybe.
Mark Corrigan: Right. I'm not sure I...
Super Hans: I just love smack. I'm probably not the right man to ask.

Super Hans: Oi, Jez! What the fuck?
[makes the "penis entering vagina" hand signal]
Super Hans: Yoko says you were giving it all that at Big Suze's.
Zahra: What? Jeremy, were you?
Jeremy Usborne: God, no! It wasn't sex, you know, it was just... sexy hand signals.
Zahra: Why were you giving her sexy hand signals?
Jeremy Usborne: I... it was all a misunderstanding. I was in the kitchen, and I might have done a...
[does the "OK" hand signal]
Jeremy Usborne: ... like that, for "OK", yeah? And then, there were lots of little sausages around, so maybe I put the sausage in the "OK" to ask "Would you like to put a sausage in your mouth?"
Super Hans: You mean, see if she wanted to put a sausage in her mouth and then take it out and then put back it in again!
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah!
Super Hans: You know how I feel about her. You're gonna fucking pay for this.
Jeremy Usborne: Look, it's not my fault she doesn't speak English! This kind of thing probably happens the whole time at the UN!

"Peep Show: St. Hospitals (#7.1)" (2010)
Super Hans: So, uh, how's it all going with Soph and the baby?
Mark Corrigan: Oh, you know, for a while it's been pretty boring but I think we're getting to the utterly terrifying bit.
Super Hans: Take my advice, stay away from the goal end, mate.
Mark Corrigan: Yeah?
Super Hans: Yeah. You don't wanna get thinking about that. It's like the... it's like the Channel Tunnel. Lovely, it's all about your holidays, but imagine you saw a fucking huge baby coming out of it. Never be the same again.
Mark Corrigan: Right.
Super Hans: One other tip, trip.
Mark Corrigan: What?
Super Hans: Trip your fucking nuts off, makes it amazing.
Mark Corrigan: Isn't it pretty amazing anyway?
Super Hans: Dunno. Yeah, maybe. But if you're tripping and you're having a baby, it's like "Fuuuck!" You know? You see a little guy come out of there, what's gonna happen next? Frogs out of her arsehole? Milk out of her ears? Anything's possible.

Super Hans: Plumbing's just fucking Lego, innit? Water Lego.

"Peep Show: Wedding (#2.6)" (2004)
Mark Corrigan: So, Super Hans, what have you been up to?
Super Hans: Long weekend looking into the mirror.
Mark Corrigan: Oh right, bit of soul-searching, was it?
Super Hans: Cocaine, Mark. Cocaine.

[they're doing tequila slammers]
Tony: Mate, aren't you gonna slam?
Sam: I don't drink, it's a Buddhist thing.
Jeremy Usborne: [to Super Hans] What's his name again?
Super Hans: Sam. Mate of Darren's.
Tony: Come on, it's a stag night. You've got to slam on a stag night. Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam!
[the others join in chanting "Slam!". Sam picks up his glass and slams it down far too hard on the table, shattering it and lacerating his hands]
Super Hans: Ouch. I'm thinking maybe Buddha wasn't too pleased.

"Peep Show: The Love Bunker (#8.3)" (2012)
Trish: [Whilst among a group of Dobby's friends playing a music quiz in which one person gives vague descriptions of bands/solo artists without using their actual name and the other person must guess the name of the band/solo artist in each description. The person describing the band/solo artist must also not use the actual names of any other bands/solo artists in their description] Right, Jez and Hans... go!
Super Hans: Er, widely regarded to have nicked our sound?
Jeremy Usborne: The Chemical Brothers.
Super Hans: Correct. Eh, bullshitters turning wank into cash?
Jeremy Usborne: Flaming Lips?
Super Hans: Correct. Oh, arsehole?
Jeremy Usborne: LCD Soundsystem.
Super Hans: Fakers?
Jeremy Usborne: Pavement.
Super Hans: Yep. Uh, oh, we thought we had her number and you got a bit overexcited, but uh, it turned out to be a not very funny joke?
Jeremy Usborne: Lily Allen.
Super Hans: Correct.
[someone laughs off screen]
Super Hans: Phoneys?
Jeremy Usborne: Foo Fighters.
Super Hans: Yeah. Uh, oh, demanded the Ramsgate blowjob?
Jeremy Usborne: Mumford & Sons?
Super Hans: Mmm.
Trish: That's your lot!
Super Hans: Oh.
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] I'm so good at this, but I bet not one person here is gonna give me a blowjob.
[shakes his head in disappointment]

Mark Corrigan: [whilst playing paintball, after entering a bunker to hide in] Wonder if Simon and found a bunker. Wonder if he's in there with Dobby.
Mark Corrigan: Oh God.
Super Hans: Probably. War makes people horny. Yalta, Yalta was hardcore, Stalin and Roosevelt sandwich, Churchill sat on the side wanking. Yeah?

"Peep Show: Sectioning (#3.2)" (2005)
Super Hans: [looking at the junk-filled room which is going to be their pub] Oh yeah. Fuck yeah, look at this place!
Jeremy Usborne: I know. Still, we can move all this crap out and put a bar in, what, over there?
Super Hans: No mate, no way. Don't change nothing. It's perfect.
Jeremy Usborne: Perfect? Super Hans, it doesn't even look like a pub.
Super Hans: Exactly. I've been down enough bloody city boy chain pubs with their logos in the foam and disinfectant in the lager, air freshener in the mayo. Nah, I wanna run a place that makes a difference.
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah, well, I'm sure we can sort that out somehow. Let's start by getting rid of this.
Super Hans: [slams his hand down on the washing machine next to him] That stays. That's the reason I fell in love with this place.
Jeremy Usborne: You want a washing machine in the pub?
Super Hans: It'll freak 'em out! What the fuck's a washing machine doing in a pub? Jesus, I need a drink. Yeah? And boom, they'll have to have one of our organic scrumpies.
Jeremy Usborne: Right, the thing is, Hans, as I've said before, I really just think we should serve at least one lager, and nuts. You know, people like lager and nuts.
Super Hans: People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.

Jeremy Usborne: I'm just really not happy with the name Free the Paedos. I mean, can't we call it something more normal like... The Swan and Tomato?
Super Hans: Yeah, or compromise? The Swan... and Paedo.

"Peep Show: Spin War (#5.2)" (2008)
[Jeremy and Super Hans are listening to Barney's track]
Jeremy Usborne: Listening to this, it did make me think, lately, I've been having some ideas and this is exactly the sort of thing that I was thinking of doing.
Super Hans: He's nicked your idea?
Jeremy Usborne: Well, has he? That's what I'm wondering. Nicked my idea and then done it back to me.
Super Hans: I reckon we should invite him down, I think we could teach this kid a thing or two.
Jeremy Usborne: Until he arrives, shall we send this out to promoters?
Super Hans: Yeah. I think this is probably the best example of the sort of stuff we do we've ever had.
Jeremy Usborne: Oh yeah, cos sometimes it's really hard actually to do your own ideas.

Barney Chapman: I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
Jeremy Usborne: What's going on?
Super Hans: He wants to go home.

"Peep Show: The Party (#6.5)" (2009)
[Super Hans is chatting up Elena, showing her the snake he's brought to the party]
Super Hans: All right, Jez?
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah, um, just an idea, but would it be OK, mate, if you fucked off before I ram a wine bottle up your cock?
Super Hans: All right, mate. Chill out. It's only a phallic symbol, not me actual dong.

[Mark has just puked in a bin, which is where the snake has turned out to be]
Super Hans: You are paying for that snake to be dry-cleaned.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I bet you probably can get reptiles dry-cleaned, that's the world we're living in.

"Peep Show: Mark's Women (#5.6)" (2008)
Mark Corrigan: He's not moving into the compound. We don't need any of your orgones here, Super Hans. He's staying where he belongs.
Super Hans: You're gonna stay in the Death Star with Captain Haddock? He doesn't value you, he thinks you're a dickhead.
Mark Corrigan: Just because he's a dickhead doesn't mean I'm not his friend. I'm a better friend than you've ever been.
Super Hans: He may be a dickhead, but I'm showing him how to stop being a dickhead.
Jeremy Usborne: Could you please stop agreeing that I'm a dickhead? I'm not a dickhead.

Jeremy Usborne: The good news is that in my last personality chart I was thirty percent up. Which was pretty wicked.
Super Hans: Your wellness levels must be through the fucking roof. You're right on schedule, according to the book. Hardback book, based on tablets brought by an asteroid. Something you can rely on.
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah. What do you think about the... asteroid stuff?
Super Hans: What, are you having a few doubts?
Jeremy Usborne: No. God no. More sort of... thoughts.
Super Hans: Thoughts. You wanna give that shit a rest. You've been going and thinking thoughts your whole life, and look where that's got you, eh.
Jeremy Usborne: True enough.
Super Hans: Listen, I was talking to Pascoe and there's good news. There's a couple of rooms have come up at the Center. The cool thing is, that if you live in you can pay for classes by working at the Center making new recruits. It's a good system innit?
Jeremy Usborne: That is a good system.
Super Hans: So? Are you up for it?
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Move into the compound? Mark will say I'm joining a cult. But then, he won't have a Nectar card because thinks it means they've got him. I'm moving on.
Jeremy Usborne: Dude, crank up the orgonometer and bring on module two!

"Peep Show: Warring Factions (#1.1)" (2003)
Super Hans: So, you got our track?
Jeremy Usborne: Er, no. I've been thinking, I'm not sure. I think maybe it's shit.
Super Hans: Whoa! Hold it, cowboy. Rewind, wash it. The track's shit? Jez, the track's THE shit!
Jeremy Usborne: It's just I found Mark laughing at it.
Super Hans: Oh what, so Mister fucking ocean colour pants don't get it? Well, quelle fucking surprise.
Jeremy Usborne: Plus he was doing it in front of Toni.
Super Hans: Mate, you gotta get some rewengay. He broke omertà.
Jeremy Usborne: You think?
Super Hans: Listen, the whole industry is run by suits like your mate.
Jeremy Usborne: Do you think that's why we haven't got a deal yet?
Super Hans: Course it is, they're all a bunch of Marks, ain't they? Sitting behind their big marble desks, ties done up to eleven, clicking their fingers to the fucking Lighthouse Family, getting their dick sucked by a big Alsatian dog.
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah?
Super Hans: They're all perverts, mate. All in with each other. It's not who you know, it's who you blow.

Super Hans: Pint of Guinness, please. No logo on the foam.
Jeremy Usborne: No logo on the foam?
Super Hans: You don't buy into all that one, do ya? What, the old "Oo, I've got a clover in me foam, I'm so important." No, what you're doing there is you're drinking an advert, ain't ya, eh, shithead?

"Peep Show: Gregory's Beard (#9.2)" (2015)
Super Hans: [delivering his wedding vows] I'm getting married, and I would punch in the throat anyone who tried to stop me. That is how I feel today, Molly. So suffused with love, I'd put a glass in the face of anyone who tried to stop us joining our souls together. I'd hospitalise them.

"Peep Show: Man Jam (#7.2)" (2010)
[Jeremy and Super Hans are rehearsing with their new band. Jeremy tries to play a saxophone but can't]
Super Hans: Jez, mate, can you stop jamming?
Jeremy Usborne: You can't stop someone from jamming, that's against jam law.
Super Hans: Dude, that's not jam, that's just total fucking marmalade.

"Peep Show: University Challenge (#2.4)" (2004)
Super Hans: [hands Jeremy a bar of chocolate after leaving a shop] There you go, free munchies.
Jeremy Usborne: Did you just nick this?
Super Hans: 'Course I did. They should be paying me to eat this shit.
Jeremy Usborne: Wow, free choco. Mmm, tasty.
Super Hans: The secret ingredient is crime.

"Peep Show: The Interview (#1.2)" (2003)
[Jeremy and Super Hans are having a musical disagreement]
Super Hans: Oh right, well this is it, is it? This is the end of the Hair Blair Bunch?
Jeremy Usborne: We are not the Hair Blair Bunch.
Super Hans: Whatever, sorry, this is the end of Spunk Bubble.
Jeremy Usborne: This is the end of Momma's Kumquat.
Super Hans: This is not the end of Momma's Kumquat, Jez, because I never agreed to it being Momma's Kumquat.
Jeremy Usborne: Look, if this is it, if this is John and Paul, 1970, then I need money for the equipment.
Super Hans: This is like your whole Balearic bullshit, innit? One minute it's all "Oh, I love you man" the next, it's "Where that 50 quid you owe me?"
Jeremy Usborne: Look I'm just saying I need money and...
Super Hans: Hey listen mate, shit is as shit does my friend.
[He starts to leave but then turns around]
Super Hans: Oh look Jez, I'm sorry mate, this is all bullshit. We can't just let the Hair Blair Bunch...
Jeremy Usborne: We are not the Hair Blair Bunch!

"Peep Show: Handyman (#4.4)" (2007)
[Jeremy has told Mark that his job working as a Handyman for Russell "The Orgazoid" involves giving him handjobs]
Jeremy Usborne: And now I don't know what to do, cos on the one hand... On the one hand it's a really good job, but on the other I don't really want to go back to that place or have anything to do with him.
Mark Corrigan: God, that's a really tough decision.
Mark Corrigan: Stay! Stay so I can use the house!
Jeremy Usborne: I got Super Hans to fill in yesterday, said I was sick. There's loads needs doing before he comes back but I just feel a bit dirty, you know?
Mark Corrigan: Mmm, yeah, I know what you mean, I feel the same sometimes when I come back from JLB and I've had to do loads of spreadsheets.
Jeremy Usborne: I don't think it is the same, Mark. I feel like my soul is being chipped away bit by bit.
Mark Corrigan: Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
Jeremy Usborne: And you don't have to be a smackhead to wank off old geezers but that probably helps too.
[the doorbell rings. Jeremy answers it - it's Super Hans]
Super Hans: Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?
Jeremy Usborne: Sorry, I didn't think.
Super Hans: Well, you should have bloody thought. Jesus!
Jeremy Usborne: Did you do it?
Super Hans: Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?
Nancy: What's going on? Who's wanking who off?
Super Hans: Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
Jeremy Usborne: No, I haven't! It's not...
Nancy: [smiling] Jeremy, that is so you! I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.

"Peep Show: Sophie's Parents (#4.1)" (2007)
Jeremy Usborne: [watching the news about Tony Blair's resignation] But what's Blair going to do?
Super Hans: Maybe he'll become an ethical porn star.
Jeremy Usborne: Or a supergroup. Blair on guitar, Bono on vocals, Clinton on sax.
Super Hans: Yeah, that is defintely going to happen. Geldof's gonna shit.

"Peep Show: A Beautiful Mind (#7.3)" (2010)
Super Hans: [speaking to Jeremy over the phone] Jez, you need to come and get me.
Jeremy Usborne: What's up?
Super Hans: I've accidentally run to Windsor.
Jeremy Usborne: What?
Super Hans: Yeah, I've mistakenly... run to Windsor!
Jeremy Usborne: But that's, like, in Scotland or something... isn't it?
Super Hans: I didn't mean to, it's just the endorphins kicked in and I couldn't stop!
Jeremy Usborne: OK, well find some polythene or something to pull over yourself, and a bit of waste ground, and I'm sure you'll feel fine in the morning.
Super Hans: My legs have gone man! I'm a jelly! I'm paralysed! Feels fucking brilliant!

"Peep Show: Jeremy at JLB (#6.1)" (2009)
Jeremy Usborne: I mean, there weren't any jobs when I didn't want a job, and now I do want a job, there are like, totally no jobs. Not just like, there aren't any jobs, but like, there are totally, quite literally no jobs.
Super Hans: You should just a get a van. With a van it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a fucking van! You're not just a man anymore, you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

"Peep Show: Shrooming (#3.3)" (2005)
Super Hans: [in the bathroom] I can't get out! Let me out!
Jeremy Usborne: It's all right, Hans, it's just the handle, it's funny, you need to lift it...
Super Hans: This is bullshit!
[he kicks the door down]
Super Hans: Sorry, lads. Locked doors. Little switch just flicks, you know? Ever since Dad locked me in the airing cupboard to monitor the home brew.