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Quotes for
Nancy (Character)
from "Peep Show" (2003)

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"Peep Show: Local Zero (#2.3)" (2004)
Nancy: Look, obviously God wanted us to enjoy ourselves, that's why he invented pills and clubs and lube and hardcore. But he also wanted us to give something back, and that's why he created the homeless, the lepers and the oil spills.
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] God, suck up to God.
[to Nancy]
Jeremy Usborne: Nancy, listen. The only reason that I don't go to church is that, to me, everything's a church. This room is my church. The hall is my church. Costcutters is a bloody cathedral.
Nancy: That's really nice, Jeremy. It's just not true, is it?

Nancy: [watching the news] Bad news, bad news, bad news. Jesus, Jeremy, one bus crash. What about all the buses that made it safely to their destinations, huh?
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah! Yeah, this is such bullshit.
Mark Corrigan: Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred the world over during the day. That would be good. Except of course, it would take forever!

Nancy: Hey, where's Nim?
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, Nim's gone.
Nancy: Where?
Jeremy Usborne: He's fine. Mark chucked him out.
Nancy: Jesus, Jeremy! Poor Nim! Where exactly is Nim?
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim... fucking Nim! Look, if you love Nim so much, why don't you go and find him and screw him!

[Mark has just seen himself on the local news being falsely shown as a lager-swilling yob]
Nancy: Mark, don't worry. These things, they happen for a reason. It might not seem like there's a plan, but there is a plan.
Mark Corrigan: Oh, right. You believe in a god, do you?
Nancy: Yes, I do. And you might find it a comfort at a time when...
Mark Corrigan: [looking through the phone book] Nancy, there's no evidence for God, whereas Ofcom has published guidelines.
Nancy: So does God. It's called the Bible.
Mark Corrigan: Oh, yes, the Bible. And I wonder what the Bible's view is on you doing it in the shower and the garden centre and up the bum. I mean, that's alright, is it? That's in the Bible, is it? Or do you think maybe that's NOT in the Bible?
Jeremy Usborne: Mark!
[to Nancy]
Jeremy Usborne: I'm sure it is in the Bible, somewhere. Probably in Corinthians, there's a load of weird shit in there.

"Peep Show: Dance Class (#2.1)" (2004)
[Nancy is blacking Jeremy up]
Jeremy Usborne: Do I really have to do this?
Nancy: What are you afraid of, Jeremy? All done.
Jeremy Usborne: I dunno, it just feels almost... wrong.
Nancy: We're breaking a taboo, of course it feels wrong. We've got boundaries to smash, Jeremy. It's our duty to God, Shiva, NASDAQ, whatever you want to call him.
Jeremy Usborne: But are you sure this isn't racist?
Nancy: Jeremy, I come from America, I've seen the problems race brings up. Now fuck me and pretend I'm your mom!
Jeremy Usborne: What? Why?
Nancy: You can't imagine your mom having sex with a black man? That's pretty racist, Jeremy.

[Jeremy and Nancy are having sex]
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Can't believe yesterday morning I was trying to jerk off to Toni's answerphone message. And this morning...
Nancy: Oh, Jesus...
Jeremy Usborne: Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
Nancy: Oh, Jesus... thank you for this experience.
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah. Thanks, Jesus.

Mark Corrigan: [knocking on Jeremy's bedroom door] Look, we've discussed this. Early in the morning counts as late at night and we agreed no reggae music late at night, so...
Jeremy Usborne: [opens the door in a silk dressing gown, his erect penis is sticking out underneath] What?
Mark Corrigan: Oh, for God's sake, Jeremy! I can't talk to you with... that.
Jeremy Usborne: What? Oh, for God's sake, Mark, we've both got one, haven't we?
Mark Corrigan: Look, Jez, can you please just keep it quiet because some of us have jobs to go to.
Jeremy Usborne: Mark, your job is going to the office, my job is having sex. Yeah? That's what I do now. That's what I am. I'm a sexer. OK?
Nancy: Sorry, Mark, did we wake you? We were both coming so hard we didn't notice the volume.
Mark Corrigan: An explanation. Finally. Thank you, Nancy. Thanks for the explanation.

"Peep Show: Gym (#4.3)" (2007)
Jeremy Usborne: We should get together, you know, have a drink, reminisce.
Nancy: About what? The time you screwed the next-door neighbour right after I moved in?
Jeremy Usborne: Or the good times? You know, the Robin Williams DVD marathon?
Nancy: Come off it, Jez. You said he was a moist-eyed camera-hogger.

Nancy: Look Jez, I'm not going to get back with you. But, if we're working together I guess we may as well try and be friends.
Jeremy Usborne: Exactly. We'll be friends, like the friends on "Friends"!
Jeremy Usborne: Who were such good friends they got bored of being friends and starting screwing each other.

[Jeremy has agreed to tell Matt that Nancy fancies him]
Nancy: Thanks! You're awesome, Jez.
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh yeah, I'm awesome all right, I'm an awesome shit. I'm the cuckoo in the nest, the python in the toy box... and quite possibly, the man of your dreams.

"Peep Show: Wedding (#2.6)" (2004)
Nancy: Jez, I've got a biggie to ask you. Would you consider marrying me?
Jeremy Usborne: Yes!
Nancy: Obviously it wouldn't be a real wedding.
Jeremy Usborne: No? Oh right. Well, in that case... yes!
Nancy: See, it's just my visa's run out and the Home Office called. I mean, I know a couple of gay guys who'd be up for it but...
Jeremy Usborne: Oh Nancy, don't marry those gays. Marry me.
Nancy: Honey, you understand this would just be an administrative procedure, right?
Jeremy Usborne: Exactly. The happiest administrative procedure of our lives!

Nancy: Oh, Jez, I was wondering if you could sleep on the couch tonight. I'm on my way to see Metallica at Wembley Arena and I've taken a couple of E's so I'll gonna start feeling pretty horny soon, and if I meet somebody, which, um, you know, I probably will, we'll wanna come back and bone. So, I'll need the bed. Later.
Jeremy Usborne: [meekly] See you later.
Nancy: Oh, by the way, we need milk. Later, Mark.
Mark Corrigan: Uh, OK, later.
[she leaves]
Mark Corrigan: Metallica? Milk? Is everything all right?
Jeremy Usborne: [sheepishly] I had an affair with Toni by mistake and Nancy found out because I told her.
Mark Corrigan: Why?
Jeremy Usborne: Because of stupid honesty. And now we're going to stay married but apparentely our relationship is nothing more than a husk.
Mark Corrigan: A husk? That doesn't sound good.
Jeremy Usborne: Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?
Mark Corrigan: Honestly?
Jeremy Usborne: Quite honestly, not brutally honestly.
Mark Corrigan: Then... yeah, absolutely.
Jeremy Usborne: Cheers, mate.
Mark Corrigan: No problem, mate.

"Peep Show: Handyman (#4.4)" (2007)
[Jeremy has told Mark that his job working as a Handyman for Russell "The Orgazoid" involves giving him handjobs]
Jeremy Usborne: And now I don't know what to do, cos on the one hand... On the one hand it's a really good job, but on the other I don't really want to go back to that place or have anything to do with him.
Mark Corrigan: God, that's a really tough decision.
Mark Corrigan: Stay! Stay so I can use the house!
Jeremy Usborne: I got Super Hans to fill in yesterday, said I was sick. There's loads needs doing before he comes back but I just feel a bit dirty, you know?
Mark Corrigan: Mmm, yeah, I know what you mean, I feel the same sometimes when I come back from JLB and I've had to do loads of spreadsheets.
Jeremy Usborne: I don't think it is the same, Mark. I feel like my soul is being chipped away bit by bit.
Mark Corrigan: Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
Jeremy Usborne: And you don't have to be a smackhead to wank off old geezers but that probably helps too.
[the doorbell rings. Jeremy answers it - it's Super Hans]
Super Hans: Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?
Jeremy Usborne: Sorry, I didn't think.
Super Hans: Well, you should have bloody thought. Jesus!
Jeremy Usborne: Did you do it?
Super Hans: Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?
Nancy: What's going on? Who's wanking who off?
Super Hans: Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
Jeremy Usborne: No, I haven't! It's not...
Nancy: [smiling] Jeremy, that is so you! I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.