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: Hang on, guys.
[Typing on computer
: How can I help? Roy
: Well, we were just wondering now that you're 'the boss', would you like us to access the data supply and connect you up to the matrix? Jen
] You just made all that up. Roy
] You don't know anything about computers! Admit it! Jen
: Would you stop trying to undermine me? Now get in there and do some work to do with computers! I'll be in there in a minute to check up on you!
[Moss goes under her desk
: OK, lady! You've won this round! But we can wait. You will slip up one day. And believe you me, we will be there when you do. There will be some piece of evidence that will prove without any shadow of a doubt that you don't know anything about computers! Jen
: [to Moss
] What are you doing? Moss
: Plugging in your computer. Roy
: [Not realising Moss has found Jen's computer unplugged
] It might be something you say, or something you do, but when we notice it - and believe me, we will notice it - it's gonna be a long way down for you, sweetcheeks!
[Leaves Jen's office
: He'll realise in a second. Roy
: [Runs back into Jen's office and screams with delight
] . Aaahhh!
: [whenever he answers the phone
] Hello. IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
: [answers phone
] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Ugh, OK, well the button on the side, is it glowing?... Yeah, you need to turn it on. Erm, the button turns it on. Yeah, you... you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes. Moss
: [answers other phone
] Hello, IT. Yeah-ha. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot? Roy
: [still on phone
] No, there you go. No, there you go. I just heard it come on. No no, that's the music you hear when it comes on. No that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry are you from the past? Moss
: [still on phone
] See. the driver hooks the function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory... Hello?
[puts phone down
: [still on phone
] Oh really? Really? Well, why don't you come down here and make me, then? What? You think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you!
[hangs up phone
: That told her.
: [posh accent
] Yes, I believe it was Tolstoy who said... Oh, it appears we have a visitor. I'm sorry, myself and Maurice were engaged in quite a serious discussion about books and such. We didn't hear you come in. Moss
: Wait a second. You said it was Tolstoy who said what? Roy
: Oh, never mind that now, Maurice. Moss
: When have you read Tolstoy? Roy
: Shut up, Maurice Moss
: Why are you speaking in that weird voice? When did...? I don't remember this conversation AT ALL.
: I just went in and she was having a pretend conversation. Roy
: Really? Moss
: Yes. She's a little bit weird, to say the least.
[sprays his ear with a small aerosol attached to his belt
: What's that? Moss
: Oh, it's just water. Sometimes I get a hot ear, and this helps cool it down. She is quite the oddball.
: OK, so here's the plan. Moss
: A plan. Let me put on my slightly larger glasses.
[puts on slightly larger glasses
: OK, hit me. Roy
: OK, we go in. Moss
: When? Roy
: You know, like, in a minute. Moss
: Will that be enough time for me to get to know the plan? Roy
: Yeah, you know what? I shouldn't have used the word "plan". I've clearly gotten you overexcited. Moss
: Would scheme be a better word? Although that's just as exciting. I might even need these
[puts on even larger glasses
: [On the phone
] Oh really? Why don't you come down here and make me that? Huh? Do you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you! You can come down here anytime and I'll be waiting for ya!
[Hangs up phone
: I told her!
: Oh God, it's about time you got back. It's been all go. Moss
: You had a job? Roy
: Girl of fifth. Moss
: Did you and her hit it off? Roy
: Define "hit if off". Moss
: Did she continue talking to you once you fixed her computer? Roy
: No. And while I was working on it she rested a cup on my back. Moss
: No! Roy
[Turns around and shows stains of coffee cup on his back
: Unbelievable! Roy
: Yeah, I mean they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them! Moss
: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them. Roy
: It's like they're pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed... Moss
: ...they toss us away like yesterday's jam! Roy
: Yes! Yesterday's jam! That's what we are to them.
[Phone rings, Roy picks it up, but before answering he tells Moss
: Actually, you know, that doesn't really work, as a thing, because jam lasts for ages.
: I mean, they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them! Moss
: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them. Roy
: It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed... Moss
: They just toss us away like yesterday's jam. Roy
: Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them!... Actually, that doesn't work, as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages.
: Moss, have you seen this video of the baby speaking French? Maurice Moss
: It went viral at 10.30, Roy. Of course I've seen it. Roy Trenneman
: I must have been in the toilet.
: Small people are not a race. This isn't Game of Thrones!
: And now Anonymous are after us. Well that's just ideal. Jen Barber
: Oh, bunch of nerds sitting at their computer. What can they do? Roy Trenneman
: We pissed off the internet, Jen! The internet is coming to get us! Jen Barber
: Well let's get it before it gets us. Roy Trenneman
: I don't want Anonymous after me, I'm in Anonymous. I think...
: Oh, Jen, exciting news. I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review show. Care to have a look? Jen Barber
: That was fast... Seems like only yesterday we had to sit through the last one. Maurice Moss
: It was three months ago, Jen. Jen Barber
: Really? It feels like... it feels like it just happened. Roy, did you hear that? Moss has done his board game review show again. Roy Trenneman
: I'm not watching that. I'm not watching that again. Jesus Christ! We don't have to watch it, do we? We only sat through the first one the other day. Jen Barber
: It was three months ago. Roy Trenneman
: My God! Wow. It feels like it just ended. It was so boring. It was like being insane. It was so insanely boring.
: Hey, I'll have you know that Alice is nuts about me. She thinks that I'm emotionally artistic. Jen Barber
: Well, what does that mean? Roy Trenneman
: Um, well, she said that emotionally, I was on the artistic spectrum. I think it means that I'm creative about my feelings, you know?
: Autistic! She said, "Autistic." That's what happened. Roy Trenneman
: No, I don't... I don't think so. Jen Barber
: There's no "artistic spectrum".
: No, it didn't go well, Jen. It didn't go well at all. I mean, thanks for asking, but no, it's wasn't a success. This wasn't a successful funeral for me. Jen Barber
: Didn't have the required gravitas? Roy Trenneman
: Gravitas? No no. Wasn't very dignified. It wasn't dignified at all, Jen! If I had to pick a word to describe Pip Pop's final journey to the grave, it would be "funny."
: Didn't know what a stress machine as this morning, and now we have two of them.
: Come on you crazy bitch. Denholm's called a general. Jen
: Oh no! Not another one. Moss
: I bet he declares war on something. He loves declaring wars.
[now in meeting
: I am declaring war.
[the employees groan
: I can see that got your attention.
[camera points to his tight cycling trousers
: What am I declaring war on? Roy
: [sotto voce
] My bollocks?
: Well, like all women she's shoe-mad Moss
: That's a bit sexist, isn't it? Roy
: You know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes? Moss
: No, but I only know one woman, and she just left the room shouting "THE SHOES!"
: The weirdest thing just happened-FIRE? Moss
: It's fine. I've sent an email.
: I don't know if it's the loss of blood or the melting plastic from the monitor, but I feel great!
: What was all that about? Roy
: Well, like all women, she's shoe mad. Moss
: That's a bit sexist, isn't it? Roy
: Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?
: Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine? Moss
: Yes. Roy
: You turned it off? Moss
: Oh I'm fairly sure I did. Roy
: Because you remember what happened last time, right? Moss
: Yes. That was very funny! Roy
: Well, no, no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died. Moss
: Right. No. Yeah, I was thinking of a different incident, the one on the golf course. Roy
: What? I'm talking about the fire. Moss
: Oh yeah. Fire. Sorry. I always get confused between "golf" and "fire". Roy
: Just make sure it's off. Roy
: It is off. I think. Roy
: Well just make sure it is. Moss
: I will make sure it is. Roy
: And if it's already off...? Moss
: ...I'll just walk away.
: Get off my back. What is he, the soldering iron police?... It's off. That means I turn in on, and just walk away.
: I'm disabled!
: HEY! I just won 450 quid playing poker! Moss
] Well done. Roy
: Saw that one coming, Mikey73. That's my rent sorted this month. Ooh, and I can buy that new... Oh no, I've lost it all again.
: [talking about Philip
] It's just, I don't know many heterosexual men who read Heat. Jen
: So, what? He's gay? Just because he reads Heat magazine? Roy
: Hmmm, well, he's either gay or a woman in her early twenties. Jen
: No, no no no no no no. Why else would he ask me out on a date? Roy
: Are you sure he meant it as a date-date? Are you sure you're not going along as his 'gal pal'? Moss
: If you're talking about who I think you're talking about, then the answer is yes. He is gay. Jen
: How do you know? Moss
: Oh, everyone knows. And what's more, he's been gay since WHAM.
: [looking at a promotional poster
] A gay musical... called "Gay". That's quite gay. Gay musical... Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.
: I'm disabled
] I'm disabled!
: Her parent died in a fire. Jen Barber
: Oh, God. I'm sorry, that's horrible. Roy Trenneman
: Yeah, yeah, it was a fire... At Sea Parks. Moss
: [after a pause
] Sea Parks? Roy Trenneman
: Yeah. Jen Barber
: With the... Roy Trenneman
: With the whales and everything, yeah...
: A *fire*? Roy Trenneman
: That's right. At the sea lion show, apparently. Jen Barber
: Aren't those shows usually out in the open? Roy Trenneman
: Well, yeah, I mean that's what I would've... Yeah. Jen Barber
: Lots of water everywhere. Roy Trenneman
: Yeah, I mean, I would imagine a whale need a lot of water. I don't think you can have whale in a place where there isn't a huge amount of water. Jen Barber
: It just seem like a weird place to go on fire. Roy Trenneman
: It's a *very* weird place to go on fire.
: A fire at a Sea Parks. It's wrecked in my head. I mean, if she has said that her parent are drowned, I'd be the happiest man in the world. But, a fire?... At a Sea Parks?
: It's a Sea Parks, isn't it? You're building a Sea Parks out of mashed potatoes. Moss
: There are twelve exits, Moss. Twelve exits! For only 200 people. Moss
: You're going Close Encounters-crazy, Roy! You need to let it go. Roy Trenneman
: To have killed anyone the fire has to start, here, here, and here. And close in like this. But, how is it spreaded? There is no wood in a Sea Parks arena. And why there is no wood? Because it rots. And why does it rots? Because of all the water...
: [to himself, while checking web pages about sea parks
] Twelve exits. There are twelve exits! Julia
: What are you doing? Roy Trenneman
: [hastily closing a laptop
] ... What? Julia
: What are you doing on the computer? Roy Trenneman
: [after a pause
] ... Masturbating.
: [with changed voice, playing with a sea park model
] Oh, I'm so excited about the sea lion show. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome... Luigi... Joe... and, Slippery Pete. Oh, no. What's all these smoke? Roy Trenneman
: [with normal voice
] What smoke? Oh, yeah, smoke...
: Can I ask you two a question? Roy
: Please, Christ, yes! Moss
: Wait, wait, one moment. Wait.
[goes to computer
: OK, go. Jen
: How can you two live like this? Moss
: "How can you two... Roy
: Don't Google the question, Moss!
: Notice anything? Roy
: What? Moss
: Guess. Roy
: Your eyes? Something wrong with your eyes. Moss
: What? No, I have a new cup. What's wrong with my eyes? Roy
: It's not very distinctive, is it? How's anyone supposed to know it's yours? Moss
: There's a picture of me on it. Roy
: ...No there isn't! Moss
: Yes, there is. Roy
: No, there isn't Moss. Moss
: Yes, there is. I am sick of my things going walkabout. With this picture, everyone knows that a certain Mr Moss might be looking for his cup. Roy
: There is nothing on the cup! Moss
: Wrangle with him, and you will find your hands full, my friend. Roy
: Wrangle with who? There's no one there!
[a few minutes later
: Ask me where it is. Roy
: Where what is? Moss
: The picture. Roy
: OK. Where's the picture, Moss? Moss
: It's on the base, Roy.
: What is that? Jen
: Goat's cheese salad. Roy
: Ugh! Ohhh! Jen
: You don't like goat's cheese? Roy
: I don't like goat's anything. I don't like goats being involved in any stage of the food production process.
: What are you eating anyway? Roy
: It's a bucket of fried chicken. And it comes in a real bucket.
: You can't upset the harmony of the place. Jen
: Harmony? What harmony? Roy
: I know that the place looks like a bit of a mess but its actually a very delicate ecosystem. Moss
[makes circular motion with hands
: Everything is connected. Moss
[mimes being connected
: It's like the rainforest. Moss
: Much like the rainforest
[mimes rain falling
: You change one thing... Moss
: [holds up one finger
: ...even the tiniest bit, and the whole rainforest dies. Moss
: [mimes hanging himself
: [just got off the phone with Douglas's PA
] Right, I'm off. Douglas is on his way down. Roy
: So? Jen
: Well, to be honest, he's been making advances. He keeps asking me if I want to go for a ride in his helicopter. Roy
: I wanna go for a ride in the helicopter! Jen
: Then grow a pair of tits. Roy
: [more to himself
] If I did have tits, I wouldn't mind letting someone have a go on them for a ride in a helicopter.
: If two grown men can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes in order to watch a film about zombies, then maybe we should all just move to Iran!
: If two grown men can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes in order to watch a film about zombies, then maybe we should all just move to Iran.
: If two grown men can't make a pervert happy for a few minutes in order to watch a film about zombies then maybe we should all just move to Iran!
: People, what a bunch of bastards.
: Roy, let's start with you. When you're upstairs fiddling about with computers, would it hurt to smile? Don't you realise what difference that would make? Come on, let's see a smile now.
[Roy attempts a smile
: No, more warmth. Warmer. No, you're just showing more teeth. That's not warmth. I would say that's more of a threatening look actually. I'll tell you what, keep at it. That's your homework. Now, Moss. Moss
: So, what's your speech going to be about? Jen
: What speech? Moss
: Every employee of the month has to give a speech on their area of expertise. Roy
: Which for you is computers. Jen
: Where do I have... Moss
: At the monthly shareholders meeting. Jen
: When do I... Moss
: Friday. Jen
: What time... Moss
: Morning. Roy
: [Roy grins and points to his mouth
] How's that?
: [Moss has a small plastic box with a flashing light
] What is it? Moss
: This, Jen, is the Internet. Jen
: What? Moss
: That's right. Jen
: This is the Internet? The whole Internet? Moss
: Yep. I asked for a loan of it so that you could use it in your speech. Jen
: It's so small. Moss
: That's one of the surprising things about it. Jen
: Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything. Moss
: It's wireless. Jen
: Oh, yes, everything's wireless nowadays, isn't it... yeah. So, I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it? Moss
: Oh, no, no, people will still be able to go online and everything. It will still work. Jen
: Oh, good, good... Moss
: I tell you, you present this to the shareholders and you will get quite the response. Jen
: Can I touch it? It's so light! Moss
: Of course it is, Jen. The Internet doesn't weigh anything. Jen
: No, of course it doesn't.
: Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet? Jen
: Moss said I could use it for my speech. Roy
: Are you insane? What if she drops it? Jen
: I won't drop it, I'll look after it. Roy
: No. No, no, no, no, Jen. No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben. Jen
: Big Ben? Moss
: Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.
: Roy, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not one hour ago. I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month and they were so impressed that they wanted to do whatever they could to help. Jen
: Wait a minute. The "Elders of the Internet"? The Elders of the Internet know who I am? You've got to let me have it! Roy
: No, Jen, I'm sorry. It's just too risky. Jen
: Oh, please, Roy! Roy
: Well... Moss, has it been completely demagnetised? Moss
: By Stephen Hawking himself. Who sends his congratulations, by the way. Roy
: Well, if it's okay with The Hawk...
: If you were a murderer, what would your nickname be? Mine would be 'The Gardener', because I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime. Roy
: What would your murder weapon be? Moss
: A hammer.
: "Shut up! I'm not interested! These are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. PS: No dogs."
: How does yours sound? Moss
: Well, mine doesn't sound any good now. Roy
: Lets hear it. Moss
] "I'm going to murder you, you bloody woman!" Roy
] You might want to play a bit hard to get.
: I didn't know you did the whole lonely hearts thing. Moss
: I'm a 32 year old IT consultant who works in the basement. Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.
] I'm not a window cleaner.
: [to Roy
] Will I see you tonight? Moss
: Not now, Ivana. Roy
: Did you have sex with that lady? Moss
: If you call that mindless animalist rutting sex, then yes. I supposed we did. Roy
: That sounds like sex.
: [On the phone
] Listen, Alistair, I just wanted to say, I'm not a window cleaner. No, no, I work in IT. Yeah, yeah, with computers and all that. Macs? No, I just really work with Windows. Hello?
: File Peter. So that would be... Peter File. Moss
: Who's a paedophile? Roy
: No no, his name is Peter File. Moss
: His name is Paedophile?
: [Jen has just described how she met her new boyfriend
] Buying the same kind of cheese. You made a 20 minute story out of it. Have you thought of adapting it into a film?
: Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless. Moss
: Ah, well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark 'egg on your face'!
: I sort of forget what I was talking about.
: How do you feel? You feel ready? Moss
: My middle name is ready. No, that doesn't sound right. I eat ready for breakfast.
: Why are you doing this? Roy
: The same reason I do everything, Jen; to have sex with a lady.
: There are a lot of Shabba Ranks in your hard drive.
: [returning from floor 7
] Unbelievable. Some brainiac disabled his firewall which means that all of the computers on floor 7 are teeming with viruses, plus, I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs because the lift is broken *again!* Jen
] Oh my God. Roy
: What? Jen
: Oh my God! Roy
: What, wha-what is it? Jen
: Denholm's dead! Moss
: Oh yes, and Denholm's dead!
: You brush your teeth in the bath? Roy
: Yeah, so? Jen
: Thats where your balls are.
: [Talking about The Godfather
] Fredo, in the film, he was essentially a pimp. Moss
: No, he took the ring to Mordor.
: You have to learn how to stand up for yourself, man. Okay, let's try something. Let's do some roleplaying, okay? Do you think that would be a good idea? Moss
: It certainly helped me learn how to buy sandwiches.
: [about Jen's virus-infected laptop
] If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face.
: I used to work as a waiter. If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers. Jen
: Oh, my God. Before you brought it to their table? Roy
] No, after.
: Of course, before! Why would I do it after?
: [to Moss when hung-over and groaning
] oh... morning. Oh my word. When did the English start drinking like that? You people drink like you don't want to live.
: I've got aunt Irma visiting Moss
: Oh do you not like aunt Irma? Ive got an aunt like that.
[Roy is shaking his head also confused
: Its my term for my time of the month. Roy
: Oh. Moss
: What time of the month? The weekend? Jen
: [Roy is trying to shut him up
] No. Moss
: Does aunt Irma visit on the weekend? Jen
: You know its high tide. Moss
: But We're not on the coast Roy
: Moss! Jen
: I'm Closed for maintenance. Moss
: Closed for maintenance? Roy
: Moss! Jen
: I've fallen to the communists. Moss
: Well they do have some strong arguments. Roy
: [Finally putting it to words
] Carrie Moss! First scene in Carrie! Moss
: [Finally Gets it
] Ohh... Okay, yap, yap, yep, No, Nope nope yep nope naa aah...
[Walks out of the room