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Quotes for
Moss (Character)
from "The IT Crowd" (2006)

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"The IT Crowd: Calamity Jen (#1.2)" (2006)
Moss: I can't go to jail, Roy! They'll rape the flip out of me!

[Moss suddenly notices the fire he set and naturally confuses it with golf]
Moss: Ooh! Fore! I mean "Five!" I mean "Fire!"

Roy: Come on you crazy bitch. Denholm's called a general.
Jen: Oh no! Not another one.
Moss: I bet he declares war on something. He loves declaring wars.
[now in meeting]
Denholm: I am declaring war.
[the employees groan]
Denholm: I can see that got your attention.
[camera points to his tight cycling trousers]
Denholm: What am I declaring war on?
Roy: [sotto voce] My bollocks?

Moss: Excuse me, I would like a go and I think Roy should be punished for nearly killing that lady.

Moss: [reading fire extinguisher] Stand upright.
Moss: Well now I can't read it. Oh, not me. I AM a giddy goat.

Moss: Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to?

Roy: Well, like all women she's shoe-mad
Moss: That's a bit sexist, isn't it?
Roy: You know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?
Moss: No, but I only know one woman, and she just left the room shouting "THE SHOES!"

Moss: [annoyed] Made in Britain.

Roy: The weirdest thing just happened-FIRE?
Moss: It's fine. I've sent an email.

Moss: Subject: Fire. Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire that has broken out on the premises of 123 Cavendon Road... no, that's too formal.
[deletes text, starts again]
Moss: Fire - exclamation mark - fire - exclamation mark - help me - exclamation mark. 123 Cavendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. Yours truly, Maurice Moss.
[sigh of relief]

Moss: What was all that about?
Roy: Well, like all women, she's shoe mad.
Moss: That's a bit sexist, isn't it?
Roy: Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?

Roy: Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine?
Moss: Yes.
Roy: You turned it off?
Moss: Oh I'm fairly sure I did.
Roy: Because you remember what happened last time, right?
Moss: Yes. That was very funny!
Roy: Well, no, no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died.
Moss: Right. No. Yeah, I was thinking of a different incident, the one on the golf course.
Roy: What? I'm talking about the fire.
Moss: Oh yeah. Fire. Sorry. I always get confused between "golf" and "fire".
Roy: Just make sure it's off.
Roy: It is off. I think.
Roy: Well just make sure it is.
Moss: I will make sure it is.
Roy: And if it's already off...?
Moss: ...I'll just walk away.
[Roy exits]
Moss: Get off my back. What is he, the soldering iron police?... It's off. That means I turn in on, and just walk away.

Moss: Now, let's see what we have here.
[bends over to read fire extinguisher]
Moss: "Stand upright"
[stands upright]
Moss: Well, now I can't read it. Oh! Not me. I AM a giddy goat.

Moss: [dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 - 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello?
[pauses for thought]
Moss: I know...
[sits down in front of the computer]
Moss: Subject: Fire. "Dear Sir stroke Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." no, that's too formal.
Moss: "Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Carrendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Moss: [holding a fire extinguisher that is on fire] I'll put this over here, with the rest of the fire.

Moss: Well that's easy to remember. 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3

"The IT Crowd: Yesterday's Jam (#1.1)" (2006)
Moss: Chairman Wow! You just diffused that entire situation!
Jen: What situation? Oh oh oh that yeah. Oh my god, does that happen alot?
Moss: They're fairly regular the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a Bi-weekly beating

Moss: [picks up phone] Hello, IT? Yah-hah? Have you tried forcing an expected reboot? You see the driver hooks the function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory.
Moss: Hello?

Jen: Hang on, guys.
[Typing on computer]
Jen: How can I help?
Roy: Well, we were just wondering now that you're 'the boss', would you like us to access the data supply and connect you up to the matrix?
Jen: [pause] You just made all that up.
Roy: [shouting] You don't know anything about computers! Admit it!
Jen: Would you stop trying to undermine me? Now get in there and do some work to do with computers! I'll be in there in a minute to check up on you!
[Moss goes under her desk]
Roy: OK, lady! You've won this round! But we can wait. You will slip up one day. And believe you me, we will be there when you do. There will be some piece of evidence that will prove without any shadow of a doubt that you don't know anything about computers!
Jen: [to Moss] What are you doing?
Moss: Plugging in your computer.
Roy: [Not realising Moss has found Jen's computer unplugged] It might be something you say, or something you do, but when we notice it - and believe me, we will notice it - it's gonna be a long way down for you, sweetcheeks!
[Leaves Jen's office]
Moss: He'll realise in a second.
Roy: [Runs back into Jen's office and screams with delight] . Aaahhh!

Moss: But Roy you've got a headwound that... HEADWOUND!

Moss: Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?

Roy: [answers phone] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Ugh, OK, well the button on the side, is it glowing?... Yeah, you need to turn it on. Erm, the button turns it on. Yeah, you... you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes.
Moss: [answers other phone] Hello, IT. Yeah-ha. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
Roy: [still on phone] No, there you go. No, there you go. I just heard it come on. No no, that's the music you hear when it comes on. No that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry are you from the past?
Moss: [still on phone] See. the driver hooks the function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory... Hello?
[puts phone down]
Roy: [still on phone] Oh really? Really? Well, why don't you come down here and make me, then? What? You think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you!
[hangs up phone]
Roy: That told her.

Roy: [posh accent] Yes, I believe it was Tolstoy who said... Oh, it appears we have a visitor. I'm sorry, myself and Maurice were engaged in quite a serious discussion about books and such. We didn't hear you come in.
Moss: Wait a second. You said it was Tolstoy who said what?
Roy: Oh, never mind that now, Maurice.
Moss: When have you read Tolstoy?
Roy: Shut up, Maurice
Moss: Why are you speaking in that weird voice? When did...? I don't remember this conversation AT ALL.

Moss: I just went in and she was having a pretend conversation.
Roy: Really?
Moss: Yes. She's a little bit weird, to say the least.
[sprays his ear with a small aerosol attached to his belt]
Roy: What's that?
Moss: Oh, it's just water. Sometimes I get a hot ear, and this helps cool it down. She is quite the oddball.

Roy: OK, so here's the plan.
Moss: A plan. Let me put on my slightly larger glasses.
[puts on slightly larger glasses]
Moss: OK, hit me.
Roy: OK, we go in.
Moss: When?
Roy: You know, like, in a minute.
Moss: Will that be enough time for me to get to know the plan?
Roy: Yeah, you know what? I shouldn't have used the word "plan". I've clearly gotten you overexcited.
Moss: Would scheme be a better word? Although that's just as exciting. I might even need these
[puts on even larger glasses]

Moss: [On the phone] Hello, IT. Ya ha? Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?

Roy: Oh God, it's about time you got back. It's been all go.
Moss: You had a job?
Roy: Girl of fifth.
Moss: Did you and her hit it off?
Roy: Define "hit if off".
Moss: Did she continue talking to you once you fixed her computer?
Roy: No. And while I was working on it she rested a cup on my back.
Moss: No!
Roy: Yeah!
[Turns around and shows stains of coffee cup on his back]
Moss: Unbelievable!
Roy: Yeah, I mean they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them!
Moss: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.
Roy: It's like they're pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed...
Moss: ...they toss us away like yesterday's jam!
Roy: Yes! Yesterday's jam! That's what we are to them.
[Phone rings, Roy picks it up, but before answering he tells Moss]
Roy: Actually, you know, that doesn't really work, as a thing, because jam lasts for ages.

Roy: I mean, they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them!
Moss: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.
Roy: It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed...
Moss: They just toss us away like yesterday's jam.
Roy: Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them!... Actually, that doesn't work, as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages.

"The IT Crowd: The Red Door (#1.4)" (2006)
Jen: Can I ask you two a question?
Roy: Please, Christ, yes!
Moss: Wait, wait, one moment. Wait.
[goes to computer]
Moss: OK, go.
Jen: How can you two live like this?
Moss: "How can you two...
Roy: Don't Google the question, Moss!

Moss: Richmond's-out-of-his-room-he's-not-in-his-room-he's-supposed-to-be-in-his-room-why-is-he-out-of-his-room?

Moss: Jiminy! Jones! Look, the nature of the thing that is happening has changed slightly, rendering it yet more interesting!

Moss: Notice anything?
Roy: What?
Moss: Guess.
Roy: Your eyes? Something wrong with your eyes.
Moss: What? No, I have a new cup. What's wrong with my eyes?
Roy: It's not very distinctive, is it? How's anyone supposed to know it's yours?
Moss: There's a picture of me on it.
Roy: ...No there isn't!
Moss: Yes, there is.
Roy: No, there isn't Moss.
Moss: Yes, there is. I am sick of my things going walkabout. With this picture, everyone knows that a certain Mr Moss might be looking for his cup.
Roy: There is nothing on the cup!
Moss: Wrangle with him, and you will find your hands full, my friend.
Roy: Wrangle with who? There's no one there!
[a few minutes later]
Moss: Ask me where it is.
Roy: Where what is?
Moss: The picture.
Roy: OK. Where's the picture, Moss?
Moss: It's on the base, Roy.

Moss: Would I blow everyone's mind if I ate dessert first?

Roy: You can't upset the harmony of the place.
Jen: Harmony? What harmony?
Roy: I know that the place looks like a bit of a mess but its actually a very delicate ecosystem.
Moss: Ecosystem
[makes circular motion with hands]
Roy: Everything is connected.
Moss: Connected
[mimes being connected]
Roy: It's like the rainforest.
Moss: Much like the rainforest
[mimes rain falling]
Roy: You change one thing...
Moss: [holds up one finger]
Roy: ...even the tiniest bit, and the whole rainforest dies.
Moss: [mimes hanging himself]

Moss: Roy's stuck under a desk.
Jen: Stuck under a desk?
Moss: Yes, that is an unusual text isn't it, it isn't just me.

Moss: [laughing] Oh, dear me.
Jen: What are you laughing at?
Moss: This flipping circuit board, Jen. Some chump has run the data lines right through the power supply. Amateur hour! I've got tears in my eyes!

Jen: [Moss is laughing and Jen starts giggling too] What are you laughing at?
Moss: This flipping circuit board, Jen. Some chump has run the data lines right through the power supply. Amateur hour! I've got tears in my eyes!
[Jen turns away]

"The IT Crowd: The Work Outing (#2.1)" (2007)
Moss: There's nothing sexual about it, I mean I like Roy, but I'm not "Curious".

Roy: HEY! I just won 450 quid playing poker!
Moss: [unimpressed] Well done.
Roy: Saw that one coming, Mikey73. That's my rent sorted this month. Ooh, and I can buy that new... Oh no, I've lost it all again.

Philip: [to Jen] I don't suppose you'd like to come to the theatre tomorrow night, maybe?
Moss: I'd be delighted.
Jen: He means me, Moss.
Moss: He was looking at me.
Jen: No he wasn't.
Moss: I think he was.
Jen: You're not even in his eyeline.
Moss: Philip? Who were you talking to? Me or Jen?

Philip: You like the theatre?
Moss: Never been. But I've always liked the idea of the theatre. The smell of the grease, the roar of the paint. I've often thought if I hadn't ended up in computers, I would've gone into the theatre.
Philip: But you've never been to see a play?
Moss: No.
Philip: Why not?
Moss: [shrugs] Never had the interest.

Roy: [talking about Philip] It's just, I don't know many heterosexual men who read Heat.
Jen: So, what? He's gay? Just because he reads Heat magazine?
Roy: Hmmm, well, he's either gay or a woman in her early twenties.
Jen: No, no no no no no no. Why else would he ask me out on a date?
Roy: Are you sure he meant it as a date-date? Are you sure you're not going along as his 'gal pal'?
Moss: If you're talking about who I think you're talking about, then the answer is yes. He is gay.
Jen: How do you know?
Moss: Oh, everyone knows. And what's more, he's been gay since WHAM.

Jen: Why else would he ask me out?
Moss: Well, don't take this the wrong way, but could he have thought you were a man?

Richmond: Hey, where are you lot off to?
Moss: Oh look, Richmond's still alive.

"The IT Crowd: Fifty-Fifty (#1.3)" (2006)
Moss: You're not going to Adam and believe this!

Moss: If you were a murderer, what would your nickname be? Mine would be 'The Gardener', because I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.
Roy: What would your murder weapon be?
Moss: A hammer.

Roy: "Shut up! I'm not interested! These are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. PS: No dogs."
[to Moss]
Roy: How does yours sound?
Moss: Well, mine doesn't sound any good now.
Roy: Lets hear it.
Moss: [hesitates] "I'm going to murder you, you bloody woman!"
Roy: [thinks] You might want to play a bit hard to get.

Moss' Mum: [Moss is in toilet] Moss, what are you doing?
Moss: Number twos, leave me alone! Stop doing this, you're always doing this, you're making it go back in!

Roy: I didn't know you did the whole lonely hearts thing.
Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT consultant who works in the basement. Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.

Jen: Moss, Moss, there's a spider in my office. Could you deal with it? I just hate spiders.
Moss: Hahaha! Oh, ah. Yeah. I'm not overly fond of them myself there, Jen. Um, how... how... How big is...? Whoa! Hey, now. I tell you what, I'd actually recommend my good friend Roy there as the go-to guy on anything with more than seven eyes. Um... He's on a very brief personal call right now...
Jen: Come on, Moss. Don't be silly.
Moss: You're right, I'm being silly. WRAP IT UP, ROY! No, it's just a spider. It's fine. It's just a spider. Oh, look, it seems to have left of its own volition.
Jen: Oh, be a man, Moss.
Moss: You're right. I'll be a man. I'm a man... Please don't shut the door.
Jen: I won't.
Moss: Goodbye, Jen.

Moss: I went to a good place recently. Nice atmosphere. Food's great.
Jen: Really?
Moss: Yes. What?
Jen: Sorry, I just didn't have you down as a restaurant person.
Moss: I'm a restaurant person. Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person? Cheese string?

"The IT Crowd: Italian for Beginners (#4.4)" (2010)
Moss: These toys may smell of wee come the morn.

Moss: You're going close encounters crazy, Roy!

Jen Barber: It's not that much of a lie, Moss. Because I have always wanted to speaks Italian... and I can sound like I'm speaking Italian, so it's... more or less the same thing.
Moss: Yeah, except to Italian. Or people who can understand Italian.

Roy Trenneman: Her parent died in a fire.
Jen Barber: Oh, God. I'm sorry, that's horrible.
Roy Trenneman: Yeah, yeah, it was a fire... At Sea Parks.
Moss: [after a pause] Sea Parks?
Roy Trenneman: Yeah.
Jen Barber: With the...
Roy Trenneman: With the whales and everything, yeah...

Moss: A *fire*?
Roy Trenneman: That's right. At the sea lion show, apparently.
Jen Barber: Aren't those shows usually out in the open?
Roy Trenneman: Well, yeah, I mean that's what I would've... Yeah.
Jen Barber: Lots of water everywhere.
Roy Trenneman: Yeah, I mean, I would imagine a whale need a lot of water. I don't think you can have whale in a place where there isn't a huge amount of water.
Jen Barber: It just seem like a weird place to go on fire.
Roy Trenneman: It's a *very* weird place to go on fire.

Moss: It's a Sea Parks, isn't it? You're building a Sea Parks out of mashed potatoes.
Moss: There are twelve exits, Moss. Twelve exits! For only 200 people.
Moss: You don't close encounters crazy, Roy. You need to let it go.
Roy Trenneman: To have killed anyone the fire has to start, here, here, and here. And close in like this. But, how is it spreaded? There is no wood in a Sea Parks arena. And why there is no wood? Because it rots. And why does it rots? Because of all the water...

"The IT Crowd: The Speech (#3.4)" (2008)
Moss: You best put seat belts on your ears, Roy, 'cause I'm going to take them for the ride of their life!

Jen: Roy, let's start with you. When you're upstairs fiddling about with computers, would it hurt to smile? Don't you realise what difference that would make? Come on, let's see a smile now.
[Roy attempts a smile]
Jen: No, more warmth. Warmer. No, you're just showing more teeth. That's not warmth. I would say that's more of a threatening look actually. I'll tell you what, keep at it. That's your homework. Now, Moss.
Moss: So, what's your speech going to be about?
Jen: What speech?
Moss: Every employee of the month has to give a speech on their area of expertise.
Roy: Which for you is computers.
Jen: Where do I have...
Moss: At the monthly shareholders meeting.
Jen: When do I...
Moss: Friday.
Jen: What time...
Moss: Morning.
Roy: [Roy grins and points to his mouth] How's that?

Jen: [Moss has a small plastic box with a flashing light] What is it?
Moss: This, Jen, is the Internet.
Jen: What?
Moss: That's right.
Jen: This is the Internet? The whole Internet?
Moss: Yep. I asked for a loan of it so that you could use it in your speech.
Jen: It's so small.
Moss: That's one of the surprising things about it.
Jen: Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything.
Moss: It's wireless.
Jen: Oh, yes, everything's wireless nowadays, isn't it... yeah. So, I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?
Moss: Oh, no, no, people will still be able to go online and everything. It will still work.
Jen: Oh, good, good...
Moss: I tell you, you present this to the shareholders and you will get quite the response.
Jen: Can I touch it? It's so light!
Moss: Of course it is, Jen. The Internet doesn't weigh anything.
Jen: No, of course it doesn't.
[laughs nervously]
Roy: Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?
Jen: Moss said I could use it for my speech.
Roy: Are you insane? What if she drops it?
Jen: I won't drop it, I'll look after it.
Roy: No. No, no, no, no, Jen. No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.
Jen: Big Ben?
Moss: Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.

Moss: Roy, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not one hour ago. I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month and they were so impressed that they wanted to do whatever they could to help.
Jen: Wait a minute. The "Elders of the Internet"? The Elders of the Internet know who I am? You've got to let me have it!
Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry. It's just too risky.
Jen: Oh, please, Roy!
Roy: Well... Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?
Moss: By Stephen Hawking himself. Who sends his congratulations, by the way.
Roy: Well, if it's okay with The Hawk...

Jen: What is it?
Moss: This, Jen,
[indicating a small, plain, black box with a single flashing light on top]
Moss: is the internet.

"The IT Crowd: Bad Boys (#4.5)" (2010)
Bomb Disposal: [referring to the bomb disposal robot] I'm just having a couple of problems with it.
Moss: What kind of operating system does it use?
Bomb Disposal: It's er... Vista.
Moss: We're going to die!

Moss: I don't mind telling you, Roy, sometimes the people upstairs cheese me off to such an extent that if I were the type to use bad language, I would be employing it bitterly and repeatedly.

Moss: What the flip are you looking at? Think this is funny? You think this is some kind of mother flipping joke? Mother flippers think everything is a mother flipping joke. Let me tell you, the jokey ain't no jokey sucker!

Moss: Oh my God! It's a robot. Never seen one in the wild before. Can we keep him, Roy? If he doesn't belong to anyone.

Moss: I didn't bunk off so I could do some flipping perusing. I wanna taste the apple, Roy. I want to bite the electric tiger's tail and ride it until the end of the mother flipping line!

"The IT Crowd: The Internet Is Coming" (2013)
Roy Trenneman: Moss, have you seen this video of the baby speaking French?
Maurice Moss: It went viral at 10.30, Roy. Of course I've seen it.
Roy Trenneman: I must have been in the toilet.

Maurice Moss: Oh, Jen, exciting news. I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review show. Care to have a look?
Jen Barber: That was fast... Seems like only yesterday we had to sit through the last one.
Maurice Moss: It was three months ago, Jen.
Jen Barber: Really? It feels like... it feels like it just happened. Roy, did you hear that? Moss has done his board game review show again.
Roy Trenneman: I'm not watching that. I'm not watching that again. Jesus Christ! We don't have to watch it, do we? We only sat through the first one the other day.
Jen Barber: It was three months ago.
Roy Trenneman: My God! Wow. It feels like it just ended. It was so boring. It was like being insane. It was so insanely boring.

Douglas Reynholm: I wasn't always this way. There was a time when I was just like you. But then I discovered the secret. And, Ross, I'm going to tell you what that secret is. But you must keep it to yourself.
Maurice Moss: I will take my ears to the grave.
Douglas Reynholm: Two words. Women's slacks

Maurice Moss: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.
Douglas Reynholm: [laughing] Book recommendation? I can't read. Yeah, I don't know what it is, but women's slacks give me the confidence I need to survive in a tough business world. They're lighter, airier and less constrictive than men's trousers. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me a transvestite.

"The IT Crowd: The Final Countdown (#4.2)" (2010)
Moss: I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk.

Moss: Good morning, that's a nice tnetennba.

Ivana: [to Roy] Will I see you tonight?
Moss: Not now, Ivana.
Roy: Did you have sex with that lady?
Moss: If you call that mindless animalist rutting sex, then yes. I supposed we did.
Roy: That sounds like sex.

Moss: [why they don't answer the door at home] This is London, Jen. It's not someone with cake. Unless that cake is made of dog poo and knives!

"The IT Crowd: Friendface (#3.5)" (2008)
Moss: Jen, why don't you tell them about your Bionic arm.

Moss: My mum's on Friendface. My mum! I've opened up another channel of communication with my mum.
Jen: Isn't that good?
Moss: No, it is not good! She has put down her current mood as 'sensual'.

Jen: [Moss is pretending to be Jen's husband at her school reunion] So you remember what to do?
Moss: Big you up to the max.
Jen: By...
Moss: Listing your fictional achievements.
Jen: And...
Moss: Saying how lucky I am to have met you and talking about our sweet sex life.
Jen: Maybe not the last one. We don't want to sound too smug.
Moss: Hey, if I'm pretending to be married I'm pretending to be sexually active.

Moss: We have two lovely children, Zenith and Quasar.

"The IT Crowd: Jen the Fredo (#4.1)" (2010)
Roy: [Talking about The Godfather] Fredo, in the film, he was essentially a pimp.
Moss: No, he took the ring to Mordor.

Moss: Arggghhh. Woman ah? What are they? Who knows. Can't live with them, can't find them sometimes. What's going on in their little heads? Don't ask me! I'm not a flipping woman psychiatrist! But I have learned one or two things from conversations with my mother.

Moss: Oh shut up Dumpo! The elephant that got dumped!

"The IT Crowd: From Hell (#3.1)" (2008)
Roy: You have to learn how to stand up for yourself, man. Okay, let's try something. Let's do some roleplaying, okay? Do you think that would be a good idea?
Moss: It certainly helped me learn how to buy sandwiches.

Moss: If someone called me a big ugly builder I'd be furious, and not just because I'm actually an IT consultant.

Moss: [what he would think if he were the builder] Revenge would be uppermost on my mind. I'm going to wee on everything. I'm going to taint her abode. I'm going to strain my personal potatoes upon her premisis.

"The IT Crowd: Aunt Irma Visits (#1.6)" (2006)
Moss: I'm at the end of my flipping tether!
Doctor Mendall: MOSS! It's not like you to use that sort of language!
Moss: Flip off!
[runs away]

Moss: This is the scientific breakthrough of the afternoon!

Jen: I've got aunt Irma visiting
Moss: Oh do you not like aunt Irma? Ive got an aunt like that.
[Roy is shaking his head also confused]
Jen: Its my term for my time of the month.
Roy: Oh.
Moss: What time of the month? The weekend?
Jen: [Roy is trying to shut him up] No.
Moss: Does aunt Irma visit on the weekend?
Jen: You know its high tide.
Moss: But We're not on the coast
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I'm Closed for maintenance.
Moss: Closed for maintenance?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I've fallen to the communists.
Moss: Well they do have some strong arguments.
Roy: [Finally putting it to words] Carrie Moss! First scene in Carrie!
Moss: [Finally Gets it] Ohh... Okay, yap, yap, yep, No, Nope nope yep nope naa aah...
[Walks out of the room]

"The IT Crowd: Something Happened (#4.3)" (2010)
Maurice Moss: I would use my robot hand for good!

Maurice Moss: Whereabouts on the ass did he kiss you?

"The IT Crowd: The Dinner Party (#2.4)" (2007)
Jen: [Jen is telling the others to try to make a good impression on the other guests] Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody, you know; nothing about memory or RAM.
Moss: Memory *is* RAM! Ha! Oh Dear!

Roy: File Peter. So that would be... Peter File.
Moss: Who's a paedophile?
Roy: No no, his name is Peter File.
Moss: His name is Paedophile?

"The IT Crowd: Smoke and Mirrors (#2.5)" (2007)
Roy: Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless.
Moss: Ah, well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark 'egg on your face'!
Moss: I sort of forget what I was talking about.

Roy: How do you feel? You feel ready?
Moss: My middle name is ready. No, that doesn't sound right. I eat ready for breakfast.

"The IT Crowd: Return of the Golden Child (#2.2)" (2007)
Moss: I totally pimped your phone, girlfriend!

Moss: [returning from floor 7] Unbelievable. Some brainiac disabled his firewall which means that all of the computers on floor 7 are teeming with viruses, plus, I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs because the lift is broken *again!*
Jen: [upset] Oh my God.
Roy: What?
Jen: Oh my God!
Roy: What, wha-what is it?
Jen: Denholm's dead!
Moss: Oh yes, and Denholm's dead!

"The IT Crowd: Are We Not Men? (#3.2)" (2008)
Moss: Awright, 'arry? See that ludicrous display last night?
Postman: What was Wenger thinking, sending Walcott on that early?
Moss: Fing about Arsenal is, they always try an' walk it in.
Postman: True. See you later, Moss.

Moss: I wanna go back to being weird. I like being weird. Weird's all I got. That, and my sweet sweet style.

"The IT Crowd: Men Without Women (#2.6)" (2007)
Maurice Moss: [after sniffing Jen's drink] Why are you drinking rohypnol, Jen? Are you having problems with insomnia?

"The IT Crowd: The Haunting of Bill Crouse (#1.5)" (2006)
Moss: What the heck is Tapas?
Jen: You know Tapas, tiny food from Spain.
Moss: Oh yes tape-as.
Jen: Yeah, that's not how you say it.
Moss: Oh yes it is.
Jen: You're a tape ass!

"The IT Crowd: Reynholm vs Reynholm (#4.6)" (2010)
Maurice Moss: When I was 11 I broke the patio window and my mum sued me.
Jen Barber: She sued you?
Maurice Moss: Yeah, to teach me a lesson. She's always been an aggressive litigator.

"The IT Crowd: Tramps Like Us (#3.3)" (2008)
Douglas: [to Moss] You there, computer man. Fix my pants.
Moss: I beg your pardon.
Douglas: Pull down my trousers and do your job.