Ben Seaver
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Quotes for
Ben Seaver (Character)
from "Growing Pains" (1985)

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"Growing Pains: Weekend Fantasy (#1.7)" (1985)
Ben Seaver: Look, mister - - if you think that machine gun is gonna scare us into buying a set of your lousy encyclopedias, you're mistaken.
Encyclopedia Salesman: [in a tone of huffy arrogance] Actually, this is a *SUB*-machine gun. Which is something you would already know - - IF you had bought a set of my encyclopedias! Can anyone tell me what BRAND of gun this is...? No? THOMPSON. This is a THOMPSON submachine gun. You would have known THAT, also... IF your stingy parents has gotten you a set of my encyclopedias! I tried SO HARD to tell them about how important knowledge is to youngsters. But did they listen? Noooo... they couldn't be bothered! They were too busy - - LAUGHing at me! The whole world... LAUGHS at me.
Ben Seaver: Why don't you take a job as a comedian?
Mike Seaver: [protestingly at Ben, lest he offend the gunman] BEN...!

Mike Seaver: [reading to his siblings from "Great Expectations", and using a humorously-exaggerated English/British accent] My father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than PIP!
[using the same contrived accent upon hearing the doorbell ring]
Mike Seaver: I'll get it.
Ben Seaver: [in a mildy disappointed tone of having his listening interrupted] Aww... and I was just getting into it!

Ben Seaver: [the anxious parents fantasize that Mike has moved the LP gas grille into the living room to cook hamburgers. Mike, not being familiar with how to operate the grille, has a bit of confusion and uncertainty getting it to power up, but then figures it out. Seconds later, though, there is a tremendous boom, and thick clouds of gray smoke billow out from off-camera. Ben casually turns without batting an eyelash and speaks in a whiny complaining tone, as if exploding household appliances are a common-enough event in his boring home life] Aw, c'mon, Mike - - I wanted mine done RARE!

Slash: Mike! Long time no see, Buddy!
[noticing the other, younger siblings with him, and making a slightly pompous but merely half-hearted show of following the rules of admittance]
Slash: Yo, you dudes got some I.D.?
Mike Seaver: [proudly taking out his parents' clear fanfold of cards and letting it flutter open in a long impressive strip that nearly touched the floor] Here you are, m'man!
Slash: [peering at one of Maggie's cards] Hmmmm... age 47?
[glances at Carol's smooth youthful features]
Slash: Looks pretty good to me.
[seeing Jason's military I.D., then turning briefly to Ben]
Slash: 'Nam, huh?
Ben Seaver: [confidently playing along] Yup!
Slash: How was it?
Ben Seaver: It was HELL!

Ben Seaver: [after Mike finishes telling their parents that they had all been away from the apartment merely because a trusted elderly couple from down the hall had invited them over for pasties] And THEN they pulled out their VACATION SLIDES - - they went EVERYWHERE!
Dr. Jason Seaver: But we called you again at ten o'clock, Mike - - where the hell were ya?
Mike Seaver: Norway!
Ben Seaver: [in slightly weary tone of boredom from having sat through several hours of viewing slides] Something to keep in mind, Mom - - when you've seen one fjord, you've seen 'em all!

Slash: [turning to Ben and Carol after a punk chick has collared Mike and led him off to sit with her at a far table] And if you dudes want, I can even let you help me run this joint while you're here.
Ben Seaver: [in a bold bellow] I wanna be a BARTENDER!
Carol Seaver: [eagerly] I could be a waitress!
Slash: [unceremoneously snatching a serving tray from a surprised waiter who is passing by, and handing the tray to Carol] You GOT it, Toots!

"Growing Pains: Back to School (#7.1)" (1991)
Maggie Malone Seaver: [on Chrissy's first day of kindergarten] You are gonna have so much fun today. Just remember to be polite, and share, and do what your teacher says.
Ben Seaver: Great advice, Mom. Why don't you just tattoo 'Dweeb' on her forehead.
Chrissy Seaver: Wait a minute. Nobody said anything about tattoos!
Maggie Malone Seaver: Honey, your brother is just using a figure of speech, as in: Put a sock in it!
Ben Seaver: Mom, on the first day of school, if you're not careful, you'll get a label that's gonna dog you for the rest-a your life.
Chrissy Seaver: [getting nervous] Like what?
Ben Seaver: Sit in front - Dorfburger. Answer any questions - Boogerhead. Hang out with anyone wearing glasses - Geekus Maximus. And most important: Eat the green jello - 'Hasta la vista, baby!'
Chrissy Seaver: What is wrong with green jello?
Ben Seaver: Leo 'Lime-Tongue' Plotnick.
Maggie Malone Seaver: And who's he?
Ben Seaver: Just the secretary-slash-treasurer of the Chess Club.

Ben Seaver: [complaining about his bad first day at school] At lunch, some big guy with sideburns forced me to eat green jello. God help me, I liked it.
Chrissy Seaver: [astonished] You ate green jello?
Ben Seaver: Yeah. And it was like a nerd magnet. The whole Chess Club sat with me. They elected me president.
Maggie Malone Seaver: Ben, that doesn't make you a nerd.
Ben Seaver: [he pulls a piece of paper out of his back pocket] No? Well this does. The school nurse says I need glasses. We're talkin' Full Frontal Nerdity.

"Growing Pains: Nasty Habits (#3.14)" (1987)
Dr. Jason Seaver: Out of the way, Ben.
Ben Seaver: Has this been physically cleared by mom?
Dr. Jason Seaver: It has. Yes.
Ben Seaver: You've got something on paper?
Dr. Jason Seaver: Out of the way.

Maggie Malone Seaver: Four pages that are typed.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Researched.
Maggie Malone Seaver: Footnoted.
Dr. Jason Seaver: With bibliography.
Maggie Malone Seaver: That you should have been working on for four weeks.
Dr. Jason Seaver: And it is due tomorrow. And...
Maggie Malone Seaver: According to your teacher...
Dr. Jason Seaver: If you don't get at least a 'B' on this paper...
Maggie Malone Seaver: You won't pass the course. That means you...
Carol Seaver: Won't graduate!
Ben Seaver: Yeah!

"Growing Pains: There Must Be a Pony (#7.8)" (1991)
Chrissy Seaver: [sees the whole family having fun without her] I knew it! I caught you!
[everyone gasps]
Dr. Jason Seaver: What should we do?
Mike Seaver: Put her back to bed!
[Mike picks up Chrissy sending her back to her room]
Dr. Jason Seaver, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Kate MacDonald, Maggie Malone Seaver, Ben Seaver, Luke Brower: [chanting] Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed!
Chrissy Seaver: [crying] STOP IT! STOP IT!
[Chrissy is shown already in bed having a nightmare]
Chrissy Seaver: Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it!
Dr. Jason Seaver: [runs upstairs with Maggie] Honey, what's wrong?
Chrissy Seaver: That's it! I'm never going to sleep again!

"Growing Pains: B=MC2 (#7.12)" (1991)
Kenny: Hey, yo, Ben, what's up?
Ben Seaver: [depressed] Nothin'.
Kenny: You look like you just found out your twin brother was ugly.

"Growing Pains: Call Me (#2.4)" (1986)
Mike Seaver: Hey Guys.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Don't you go far, Mike. I may wanna talk to you.
Mike Seaver: What did I do?
Dr. Jason Seaver: [Angrily] I haven't found it yet.
Mike Seaver: What's going on?
Ben Seaver: [Whispering] It's bill paying day.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Oh, I don't believe this one.
[as the kids run away]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Halt! Two hundred and sixteen dollars for a one-month phone bill?
Mike Seaver: [Shocked at the amount] Is that high?

"Growing Pains: The Anniversary That Never Was (#1.19)" (1986)
Mike Seaver: [the Seaver kids are making breakfast for their parents on their anniversary] Yeah, Mom and Dad are going to scarf this stuff up. A'ight, we got oaties...
Ben Seaver: Check.
Mike Seaver: Peanut butter toast...
Ben Seaver: Check.
Mike Seaver: Space bars...
Ben Seaver: Check.
Mike Seaver: Champagne...
Ben Seaver: Check.
Carol Seaver: Stomach pump?
Mike Seaver: Oh sure, sure, go ahead and criticize, Carol, but where were you when Ben and I were planning this breakfast?
Carol Seaver: Putting on my face.
Ben Seaver: You missed!

"Growing Pains: Paper Tigers (#7.4)" (1991)
Ben Seaver: [comes home wearing glasses for the first time] One crack and I'm gone.
Dr. Jason Seaver: [Mike laughs in convulsions] Mike, cut that out.
Mike Seaver: [as if in pain] Oh, you don't know what you're askin', Dad.
Carol Seaver: Well, I'll say something. I think you look brainy.
[he tries to run back outside, restrained by Jason]
Mike Seaver: Oh, don't stop him, Dad, my pancreas is about to blow.
Ben Seaver: Dad, brainy is just another word for geek.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Hey, I wear glasses, I'm not a geek.
Ben Seaver: Sure, you've got a woman.
[he leaves]
Mike Seaver: [playing it for all it's worth] Oh, man, I gotta go lay down. I think I just hurt myself.

"Growing Pains: Jealousy (#1.3)" (1985)
Ben: [to Jason about his science project] But you told me to do something that interests me. Mike and Carol interest me more than mold.
Jason: That's a touching sentiment, Ben. Now cut it out!
Ben: What's with him?
Mike: He doesn't like you, he never has.

"Growing Pains: Reputation (#1.18)" (1986)
Mike Seaver: I'll tell you something weird. That moment when Mom and Dad believed me, everything was OK.
Mike Seaver: [something new dawns on him] My God, I actually care what they think about me.
Ben Seaver: I care what they think about me.
Mike Seaver: Well, you're nine. That's OK to feel that way at nine. But I'm fifteen. I'm s'posed to think my parents are scum.
Ben Seaver: Are you sure?
Mike Seaver: Yeah, everybody knows that. It's on TV all the time.

"Growing Pains: The Awful Truth (#2.19)" (1987)
Ben Seaver: [after carol reads Jason's old book, in delight] So I got a divorce for my family history!
Carol Seaver: I guess...
Ben Seaver: [runs upstairs] Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
[a shot of the Seaver house on a winter's day is shown]
Ben Seaver: [off-camera, shouts] OH, NO! AAAAAHHHH!

"Growing Pains: Cheating (#5.22)" (1990)
[as Ben studies, visions of his friends and family appear before him]
Vito Paducci: Ben, what are you doing sitting up studying? You've got the answer sheet in your pocket. Doesn't that bed look mighty comfortable?
Ben Seaver: [scoffs] I can't cheat, Vito, they're onto me!
Vito Paducci: You're not thinking. You don't have to get them all right; just make sure you get a couple wrong.
Ben Seaver: Well, how do I do that?
Vito Paducci: Just be yourself.
Mike Seaver: They're witches, Ben, they're witches!
Maggie Malone Seaver: [evilly] Ben, you bring home another D in Science, you'll see a side of me you have never seen before!
Carol Seaver: [shown in a kangaroo suit] Ben, if I hadn't mentioned it before, let me mention it now: you're a real disappointment to me and the other marsupials.
Vito Paducci: [more visions freak out Ben] Come on, Ben, cheat!
Stinky Sullivan: Yeah, Ben, cheat!
Dr. Jason Seaver: Of course it's not okay to cheat!
Vito Paducci: Hey, who will know?
Mike Seaver: They are witches, Ben!
Stinky Sullivan: What else can we do?
Carol Seaver: [a realistic kangaroo is shown] Marsupial! Marsupial!
Maggie Malone Seaver: [in the style of the Wicked Witch of the West] ... and your little dog, too! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA!

"Growing Pains: The Last Picture Show: Part 2 (#7.24)" (1992)
[last lines of the series]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Well, I don't mean to break up the fun, but we've got a long drive to Washington. Guess we better hit the road.
Mike Seaver: Yeah, I've gotta go break in my new landlord.
Carol Seaver: Dwight's driving me to my dorm.
Chrissy Seaver: Can't we stay and see what the new people look like?
Ben Seaver: [solemnly] I'd rather not know.
Carol Seaver: Me either.
Maggie Malone Seaver: Oh, come on, we better get moving.
[the entire family leaves and look back at the empty house for the last time]
Carol Seaver: [tearfully] Goodbye...