Mike Seaver
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Quotes for
Mike Seaver (Character)
from "Growing Pains" (1985)

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"Growing Pains: Weekend Fantasy (#1.7)" (1985)
Ben Seaver: Look, mister - - if you think that machine gun is gonna scare us into buying a set of your lousy encyclopedias, you're mistaken.
Encyclopedia Salesman: [in a tone of huffy arrogance] Actually, this is a *SUB*-machine gun. Which is something you would already know - - IF you had bought a set of my encyclopedias! Can anyone tell me what BRAND of gun this is...? No? THOMPSON. This is a THOMPSON submachine gun. You would have known THAT, also... IF your stingy parents has gotten you a set of my encyclopedias! I tried SO HARD to tell them about how important knowledge is to youngsters. But did they listen? Noooo... they couldn't be bothered! They were too busy - - LAUGHing at me! The whole world... LAUGHS at me.
Ben Seaver: Why don't you take a job as a comedian?
Mike Seaver: [protestingly at Ben, lest he offend the gunman] BEN...!

Mike Seaver: [reading to his siblings from "Great Expectations", and using a humorously-exaggerated English/British accent] My father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than PIP!
[using the same contrived accent upon hearing the doorbell ring]
Mike Seaver: I'll get it.
Ben Seaver: [in a mildy disappointed tone of having his listening interrupted] Aww... and I was just getting into it!

Slash: Mike! Long time no see, Buddy!
[noticing the other, younger siblings with him, and making a slightly pompous but merely half-hearted show of following the rules of admittance]
Slash: Yo, you dudes got some I.D.?
Mike Seaver: [proudly taking out his parents' clear fanfold of cards and letting it flutter open in a long impressive strip that nearly touched the floor] Here you are, m'man!
Slash: [peering at one of Maggie's cards] Hmmmm... age 47?
[glances at Carol's smooth youthful features]
Slash: Looks pretty good to me.
[seeing Jason's military I.D., then turning briefly to Ben]
Slash: 'Nam, huh?
Ben Seaver: [confidently playing along] Yup!
Slash: How was it?
Ben Seaver: It was HELL!

Ben Seaver: [after Mike finishes telling their parents that they had all been away from the apartment merely because a trusted elderly couple from down the hall had invited them over for pasties] And THEN they pulled out their VACATION SLIDES - - they went EVERYWHERE!
Dr. Jason Seaver: But we called you again at ten o'clock, Mike - - where the hell were ya?
Mike Seaver: Norway!
Ben Seaver: [in slightly weary tone of boredom from having sat through several hours of viewing slides] Something to keep in mind, Mom - - when you've seen one fjord, you've seen 'em all!

The Growing Pains Movie (2000) (TV)
[imitating Carol]
Mike Seaver: Oh, Scott, I think you're oh so dreamy!

Mike Seaver: You're dating the enemy!

Kid: I don't want to flush my poop.
Mike Seaver: Get over it.

"Growing Pains: Call Me (#2.4)" (1986)
Mike Seaver: Hey Guys.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Don't you go far, Mike. I may wanna talk to you.
Mike Seaver: What did I do?
Dr. Jason Seaver: [Angrily] I haven't found it yet.
Mike Seaver: What's going on?
Ben Seaver: [Whispering] It's bill paying day.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Oh, I don't believe this one.
[as the kids run away]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Halt! Two hundred and sixteen dollars for a one-month phone bill?
Mike Seaver: [Shocked at the amount] Is that high?

Dr. Jason Seaver: [as he is on the phone] Hello, this is - It's a recording.
[Turns to Mike]
Dr. Jason Seaver: .
Dr. Jason Seaver: Sexual Fantasies?
Mike Seaver: [Amused] Yeah?
Dr. Jason Seaver: Yeah, Mike.

"Growing Pains: Nasty Habits (#3.14)" (1987)
Carol Seaver: You mean, you haven't even started yet?
Mike Seaver: What's your point?
Carol Seaver: 4.0. What's yours?

Dr. Jason Seaver: [Walking into the living room to turn off the tv] Mike, didn't you put your hand over your heart and promise to do your homework?
Mike Seaver: Dad, I will.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Well what do we have to do, pay you to do it?
Mike Seaver: You know, I think your on to something here, dad.

"Growing Pains: Reputation (#1.18)" (1986)
Richard 'Boner' Stabone: [Boner and Eddie come in after Mike's meeting with his teacher, and find Mike on the floor] He beat you!
Mike Seaver: No, he just took my shoes.
[Mike had the test answers written on the soles]
Eddie: Oh, that stinks, Mike.
Richard 'Boner' Stabone: [waving his hand under his nose, mocking] Yeah, real bad, too!

Mike Seaver: I'll tell you something weird. That moment when Mom and Dad believed me, everything was OK.
Mike Seaver: [something new dawns on him] My God, I actually care what they think about me.
Ben Seaver: I care what they think about me.
Mike Seaver: Well, you're nine. That's OK to feel that way at nine. But I'm fifteen. I'm s'posed to think my parents are scum.
Ben Seaver: Are you sure?
Mike Seaver: Yeah, everybody knows that. It's on TV all the time.

"Growing Pains: The Last Picture Show: Part 2 (#7.24)" (1992)
[last lines of the series]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Well, I don't mean to break up the fun, but we've got a long drive to Washington. Guess we better hit the road.
Mike Seaver: Yeah, I've gotta go break in my new landlord.
Carol Seaver: Dwight's driving me to my dorm.
Chrissy Seaver: Can't we stay and see what the new people look like?
Ben Seaver: [solemnly] I'd rather not know.
Carol Seaver: Me either.
Maggie Malone Seaver: Oh, come on, we better get moving.
[the entire family leaves and look back at the empty house for the last time]
Carol Seaver: [tearfully] Goodbye...

Kate MacDonald: [after Mike abruptly proposes to her, smiles] I've got three little words for you.
Mike Seaver: 'I love you'?
Kate MacDonald: [furiously] Get a dog!

"Growing Pains: Mike's Madonna Story (#1.6)" (1985)
Mike: Nothing happened ok mom! She wanted to sleep with me and I didn't do it. I'm probably gay! You happy now!?

"Growing Pains: There Must Be a Pony (#7.8)" (1991)
Chrissy Seaver: [sees the whole family having fun without her] I knew it! I caught you!
[everyone gasps]
Dr. Jason Seaver: What should we do?
Mike Seaver: Put her back to bed!
[Mike picks up Chrissy sending her back to her room]
Dr. Jason Seaver, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Kate MacDonald, Maggie Malone Seaver, Ben Seaver, Luke Brower: [chanting] Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed!
Chrissy Seaver: [crying] STOP IT! STOP IT!
[Chrissy is shown already in bed having a nightmare]
Chrissy Seaver: Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it!
Dr. Jason Seaver: [runs upstairs with Maggie] Honey, what's wrong?
Chrissy Seaver: That's it! I'm never going to sleep again!

"Growing Pains: Great Expectations (#3.18)" (1988)
Jason: [Mike wants to go to California to see Melina] But Mike, airfare to California is very expensive.
Mike: I know dad, but Carol is lending me the money.
Jason: Oh, get outta town!
Mike: OK, thanks dad, bye!

"Growing Pains: Jason's Rib (#2.8)" (1986)
Carol Seaver: That will never work.
Mike Seaver: Sure it will, I saw it on The Cosby Show.
Carol Seaver: Mike, that is a television show. This is real life.

"Growing Pains: First Blood (#1.14)" (1986)
Dr. Jason Seaver: You turned down a date with Jennifer Miller?
Carol Seaver: Jennifer 'Wonder Buns' Miller?
Mike Seaver: Hey, my attraction to women is not entirely based on physical beauty.
Carol Seaver: Yeah, they gotta be stupid, too.

"Growing Pains: The New Deal: Part 2 (#5.9)" (1989)
Dr. Jason Seaver: [after catching his kids having a party] Carol, what was going on in there that you couldn't hear what was happening out here?
Carol Seaver: Dad, I don't like what you're implying!
[Carol leaves until Mike and Jason see sawdust handprints behind her black skirt]
Dr. Jason Seaver: STOP!
Carol Seaver: [freeze and pauses for a moment] What!
Dr. Jason Seaver: What is on your backside?
Mike Seaver: Carol, looks to me like your butt's got a big mouth.
Carol Seaver: [chuckles in disbelief] Oh, you think these are Frank's, dad? Dad, they're mine. I mean - well, I was just talking to him and standing like this.
[Carol puts her hands behind her trying to play it off]
Mike Seaver: Good, Carol, and dad was worried you were hot for the guy.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Well, I think maybe it's time I had a word with Frank - maybe MORE than a word.
Carol Seaver: Daddy, please!
[Jason opens the door to his office purposely knocking Frank off the ladder to the floor]
Dr. Jason Seaver: And another thing: YOU'RE FIRED.

"Growing Pains: Back to School (#7.1)" (1991)
Mike Seaver: Don't worry, I'm taking my subjects seriously this year.
Maggie Malone Seaver: [reads his enrollment form] "Bugs Bunny as Archetype: Hero or Wascal"?
Mike Seaver: If Boynton State Teachers' College offers it, e-b-dee, e-b-dee, that's enough for me!

"Growing Pains: Jimmy Durante Died for Your Sins (#2.17)" (1987)
Mike Seaver: [to Carol] Come on you're my sister, I'm supposed to call you ugly.

"Growing Pains: The Anniversary That Never Was (#1.19)" (1986)
Mike Seaver: [the Seaver kids are making breakfast for their parents on their anniversary] Yeah, Mom and Dad are going to scarf this stuff up. A'ight, we got oaties...
Ben Seaver: Check.
Mike Seaver: Peanut butter toast...
Ben Seaver: Check.
Mike Seaver: Space bars...
Ben Seaver: Check.
Mike Seaver: Champagne...
Ben Seaver: Check.
Carol Seaver: Stomach pump?
Mike Seaver: Oh sure, sure, go ahead and criticize, Carol, but where were you when Ben and I were planning this breakfast?
Carol Seaver: Putting on my face.
Ben Seaver: You missed!

"Growing Pains: Semper Fidelis (#4.13)" (1989)
[last lines]
Mike Seaver: It's time, Mike, it's time.

"Growing Pains: The Breakfast Club (#2.10)" (1987)
Mike Seaver: Okay, look one, I was actually on time. And two, I admitted openly and honestly that I lied. And three...
Maggie Malone Seaver: [Interrupting Mike] And three you are grounded in this house. For the remainder of the weekend, in bed by eight, and no TV.
Dr. Jason Seaver: [after Maggie walks away] Well, let's put it this way, Mike. At least you got two of the three points.

"Growing Pains: Paper Tigers (#7.4)" (1991)
Ben Seaver: [comes home wearing glasses for the first time] One crack and I'm gone.
Dr. Jason Seaver: [Mike laughs in convulsions] Mike, cut that out.
Mike Seaver: [as if in pain] Oh, you don't know what you're askin', Dad.
Carol Seaver: Well, I'll say something. I think you look brainy.
[he tries to run back outside, restrained by Jason]
Mike Seaver: Oh, don't stop him, Dad, my pancreas is about to blow.
Ben Seaver: Dad, brainy is just another word for geek.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Hey, I wear glasses, I'm not a geek.
Ben Seaver: Sure, you've got a woman.
[he leaves]
Mike Seaver: [playing it for all it's worth] Oh, man, I gotta go lay down. I think I just hurt myself.

"Growing Pains: Fortunate Son (#4.16)" (1989)
Nick Simpson: [observing the 'accident' Mike made with a soda bottle, suspiciously, to Mike] Somebody unscrewed this. This was no accident. Wait a minute... You didn't get too busy and forget, did you?
Mike Seaver: Look, do you know that you're prejudiced, or are you just kidding yourself.
Nick Simpson: [furiously] You rude, smart-assed know-it-all, what are you trying to prove here, huh!
Mike Seaver: I'm not trying; I just proved it.
Nick Simpson: You white-bred suburban punks really get to me! Someday, you'll figure out with the score is!
Mike Seaver: Yeah, well, I just did!
Nick Simpson: You know, you've got a lot to learn about the real world!
Mike Seaver: Yeah, well, I won't be learning it from you! I quit!
[takes off his work jacket]
Nick Simpson: [yells in anger] You know something, you are one confused little kid!
Mike Seaver: [leaves] Not anymore.

"Growing Pains: Slice of Life II (#1.15)" (1986)
Mike Seaver: Mom, it was an accident, I swear.
Maggie Malone Seaver: Mike, this is your last warning. If we catch you skateboarding in the house again you'll lose your phone privileges, your stereo, and your allowance for two months
Mike Seaver: Mom
Maggie Malone Seaver: Roar!
[Intimidating Mike]
Mike Seaver: Okay.

"Growing Pains: Higher Education (#2.12)" (1987)
Eddie: Uhh umm uh, what's your dad's name bone ?
Richard 'Boner' Stabone: Sylvester.
Mike: Wait a minute... Your dad's name is Sylvester Stabone?
Richard 'Boner' Stabone: Who knew!

"Growing Pains: Jealousy (#1.3)" (1985)
Ben: [to Jason about his science project] But you told me to do something that interests me. Mike and Carol interest me more than mold.
Jason: That's a touching sentiment, Ben. Now cut it out!
Ben: What's with him?
Mike: He doesn't like you, he never has.

"Growing Pains: Fast Times at Dewey High (#2.2)" (1986)
Mike Seaver: [finally recognizes her teeth] Becky? Wow, you've had quite the summer.
Becky: [sarcastically] And you've had quite the fall.
[Becky walks off from Mike]

"Growing Pains: Cheating (#5.22)" (1990)
[as Ben studies, visions of his friends and family appear before him]
Vito Paducci: Ben, what are you doing sitting up studying? You've got the answer sheet in your pocket. Doesn't that bed look mighty comfortable?
Ben Seaver: [scoffs] I can't cheat, Vito, they're onto me!
Vito Paducci: You're not thinking. You don't have to get them all right; just make sure you get a couple wrong.
Ben Seaver: Well, how do I do that?
Vito Paducci: Just be yourself.
Mike Seaver: They're witches, Ben, they're witches!
Maggie Malone Seaver: [evilly] Ben, you bring home another D in Science, you'll see a side of me you have never seen before!
Carol Seaver: [shown in a kangaroo suit] Ben, if I hadn't mentioned it before, let me mention it now: you're a real disappointment to me and the other marsupials.
Vito Paducci: [more visions freak out Ben] Come on, Ben, cheat!
Stinky Sullivan: Yeah, Ben, cheat!
Dr. Jason Seaver: Of course it's not okay to cheat!
Vito Paducci: Hey, who will know?
Mike Seaver: They are witches, Ben!
Stinky Sullivan: What else can we do?
Carol Seaver: [a realistic kangaroo is shown] Marsupial! Marsupial!
Maggie Malone Seaver: [in the style of the Wicked Witch of the West] ... and your little dog, too! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA!

"Growing Pains: Mike and Julie's Wedding (#5.2)" (1989)
Julie Costello: [letter, in tears] 'Dear Mike, by the time you read this, I'll be on a plane. And I've never written a letter like this before, so I don't know how to start. I've been thinking about you and me and marriage, and - well, I know you think that all the time I've been the mature and sure one, but I have to say when it comes to us, you've been the mature one.'
Mike Seaver: [curiously, to himself] I've been the mature one?
Julie Costello: [letter continues] 'Don't deny it. I - I just want to know how you can know so much. Mike, I've got so many questions and I've got so many doubts, and maybe I'm crazy or just scared out of my mind, I don't know, maybe it's just cold feet. But all I know right now is I can't go through with this. And I wanted to tell you all this this morning when you came by, but how could I? I mean you looked so determined with all those invitations under your arm. Well, by the time I got up my courage, I ran out to the hallway and you were already gone. And look, I - I know my confusion must be hard for you to understand.'
Mike Seaver: [solemnly] It's not that hard.
Julie Costello: [letter continues] 'Mike, I'm sorry. I wished I could be more like you and - but I'm not. So take care of yourself. Love, Julie.'