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: If I told you the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think I was mad? Bernard
: No, I would ask you to come 'round and look after my small children. Fran
: Look, if you don't believe me you can come 'round and we'll watch the walls. Manny
: Don't be ridiculous. You'll be staying in watching the thermometer with me, won't you Bernard? Bernard
: Oh, I dunno, walls, thermometers, it's an impossible decision. I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.
: You bastard! You nine-sided whore!
: Just a few hours please? I'm lying there writhing, all sticky and glistening... Bernard
: Stop. It!
: Can I sleep at yours? Fran
: There's no room!
: Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange? Bernard
: No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.
: You've got yourself a case, you should get a lawyer. Manny
: Expensive though. Maybe get someone to pretend to be a lawyer. Bernard
: Yeah, get someone who's a bit like a lawyer - arrogant, cruel, crooked, a real bastard.
[Manny and Fran stare at Bernard
: No, I'm not doing it. Fran
: Oh, go on! And then when you get a girlfriend, I'll give you a reference! I'll lie, I'll say you were... okay. Bernard
: Alright, deal.
: You're my oldest friend. Don't you think it's about time we admitted how we feel about each other. Just for the summer? Fran
: No. I don't. I think we should wait. Bernard
: Until when? Fran
: Until at least one of us is dead.
: You can forget your summer bunny, mister.
: [Bernard watches a beautiful woman walk by
] Mustn't stare, mustn't stare. Fran
: You haven't stared at me... Bernard
: You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree.
: Well if you don't believe me you can come round tonight and we'll watch the wall! Manny
: Don't be ridiculous;we'll be staying in watching the thermometer,won't we Bernard? Bernard
: I don't know,it's an impossible choice;walls,thermometers,I just have to hope when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.
: [to Bernard
] You bastard! You nine-sided whore!
: Yes, I'm offering you me. To enjoy like an Éclair, or a Day at the Zoo.
: What is this... I'm drinking? It's disgu... It's like a choc ice fell into a bottle of bleach. It's children's booze! What's yours? Fran
: Bludge. It's quite good, actually. You don't even have to drink it. You just rub it on your hips and it eats right through to your liver.
: [Fran is reading one of Bernard's short stories
] "Feared by men and admired by women; Brendan Blake
[points to Bernard
: turned from the window and patted Larry
[motions to Manny
: ; his barely hominoid, milk-fed gimp."
: Can't you just call her up and say 'I really enjoyed talking to you last night and I'd like to see you again'? Manny
: [giggling nervously
] Don't be stupid! I don't want her to think I'm gay!
: Notice anything different about me? Bernard
: You've turned into a heron.
: That's the saddest story I've ever heard. Fran
: The worst part is she's not actually dead, she lives the other side of Priory Road.
: [having sworn to Fran that he won't tell Bernard his deceased ex-fiancée is still alive
] She's alive! She's still alive! Fran told me! Fran knows her! Bernard
: Is this true? How long have you known? Fran
: A couple of years. Bernard
: I don't believe you. Fran
: She's in my phone. Look. That's her full name isn't it? Bernard
: I don't believe you. Fran
: This is photo of her and me at her last birthday. One of many she'll have, still being alive. These are her dental records. This is her birth certificate. I keep it safely tucked inside the envelope with a photo of her reading yesterday's newspaper and wearing an "I love life" t-shirt.
: I bet Manny doesn't know what name you were born with, does he? Have you met? Have you met Enid, Manny? Fran
: Don't go down this road. Bernard
: Remember that letter you wrote to your mother as part of the self-help programme? You couldn't find it? That's because I found it and I posted it.
: Manny, you did get into the Open University but Bernard tore up the letter.
: You don't actually have a heart Bernard. Just a shard of ice. Fran
: Flint. Manny
: What? Fran
: I always saw it as a piece of flint.
: Who else knows about this? Fran
: Nobody. Hardly anybody. A few people. Mr Singh at the newsagents, and your parents - I told them. And of course at parties if your name comes up.
: Bernard, why aren't you dancing? Bernard
: There's no music. Fran
: Well, sing us a song - you're Irish.
: Look Bernard, look at my new phone! Look, look, look, look, look! It's got web access, it's got a camera, it can do everything... Bernard
: Daaggh! Can it stop boring conversations? Fran
: No, none of them can do that. Bernard
: Mine can.
[Bernard picks up his phone receiver and speaks into it
: Shut up about your phone.
: I've got a date. Ben, divorcee, very good-looking... nice arse. Which is a first for me. Bernard
: Never had a nice one? Fran
: No, never. And I know they exist because I've seen them on the telly. You had one? Bernard
: Well, there was this one woman, Janine. I don't know if it was "nice", but it was... huge! So there was this enormous sense of value.
: Oh, would you just look at these breasts...
: I am a giant ear, waiting for your songs of niceness.
: How often do you talk to your mother? Ben
: The normal amount, really, four or five times a day.
: What have all these people got in common? Elton John, Ian McKellen and Jean Paul Gautier? Ben
: Well, they're all fabulous!
: Just a hunch...
: You've saved my life Fran. I've been fighting this for so long, but why am I fighting? Thank you! Fran
: [scoffing tons of ice-cream
] I'm happy. I'm really so happy for you.
: So, Ben, who's the real Ben, Ben?
: Finished with your accounts? Bernard
: Yes. I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.
: I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?
[on being a pregnant woman's 'birth partner'
: Urk. That's going to be intense, a lot of blood, a lot of shouting, and urm... Fran
: Oh, no no no, I'll just get drunk. In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk, it'll be just like the old days.
: [to the mysterious lighter
: It's sort of a bald Furby?
: What is this? What is this? Can you please tell me what the Hell this is?
: Manny? Bernard? Bernard
: Oh. It's you. Go round the green binbags. Turn right at the mouldy George Elliot, forward, forward and turn left at the dead badger.
: Bernard, are you alright? Bernard
: Never better. I've discovered television.
: Where's Manny? Bernard
: Him? He left. That's what happens when you love someone and nurture them and take care of them. Fran
: You mean you fired him. Bernard
: There may have been an incident involving a hand and a kitchen item and maybe the item was a sandwich toaster and maybe the hand was Manny's and maybe I introduced them to one another. Fran
: So he's gone. Bernard
: Oh no, he still sleeps here, burrowed in like the little tick he is. But he leaves every day. Every day is another betrayal.
: Look at him. He's bending down now. He's standing up now. I knew he'd do that. Fran
: Is this really helping.
: Haven't you got other friends to annoy? Why don't you go and persecute them? Manny
: Yeah, society lady? How come you went to Cornwall on your own? Fran
: I've got friends. Bernard
: Well, go to them. Fran
: I will. Manny
: Don't let us stop you. Fran
: I won't.
: I have to have somewhere to go Manny. And if you don't come back to the shop? I'll just have to live here.
: I've got a job and a family. Tanya
: I've got a career. Becky
: And I'm getting married. Tanya
: And you're still the same old Auntie Millicent. Fran
: Who's Auntie Millicent? Claire
: It's what we used to call you, because we knew you'd turn into a crazy spinster! Tanya
: And you have! Hanging out with those two freaks from the bookshop. Becky
: Oh it was wasn't it! Auntie Millicent who lived in the crooked house. Claire
: With lots of cats!
: I was just waiting for the right time to tell you. Fran
: What? Like her anniversary or something?
: Well, at least I didn't have a threesome with Mark on the night of the school reunion. Oh dear, did I just say that?
: [the girls have a group hug until Fran breaks it, bee-lining for her bag
] Now... BOOZE! Becky
: [Fran unpacks two wine bottles and places them on the table. Becky looks disappointed
] Oh. Claire
] Is that enough? Tanya
: [Fran unpacks three more wine bottles and places them on the table. Tanya is excited
] Oh great! We've got loads! Fran
: [Fran unpacks arm-fulls of wine and covers the table with them while her friends look on in shock
] Did you bring anything else, Doctor Death? Fran
: Just this...
[Fran holds up a large wine bottle marked 'Life Cry' with a wounded polar bear on the label
: [Claire stares in disbelief
] Oh god. 'Life Cry'. Becky
: [Becky stares in horror
] I haven't seen that since our school reunion. Fran
: [Fran gives them a wicked smile as she lovingly cradles the bottle
] Ahhh. You always know you're in for a good night when there a polar bear bleeding on the label.
: Cake! Booze! Music! Truth!
: So Manny, tell us about yourself. Manny
: Well, I was born in London... Bernard
: Not so fast, David Copperfield. If you're going to go that far back we're going to need popcorn or something.
: Well, what can I tell you, I moved around a lot, saw a lot of army bases. Fran
: Oh, was your dad in the army? Manny
: No, just a coincidence.
: [storms in, furious
: What did I do? Fran Katzenjammer
: [throws a book at him
: What did I do? Fran Katzenjammer
: Did you tell Manny he was fired? Bernard
: You nearly hurt me in the shoulder then. Fran Katzenjammer
: Did you? Bernard
: Yes, well, maybe a little bit.
: You need someone normal around here. Bernard
: Normal? He's normal is he? And what am I then? Fran Katzenjammer
: You're a freak, Bernard, you know that.
: You need someone normal around here. Bernard
: Normal! He's normal is he, is he? Fran Katzenjammer
: What am I then? Fran Katzenjammer
: Well you're a freak, Bernard, you know that. Bernard
: [pauses then blurts
] Yes. I know. But I have rights!
: You will practice all night. Swear to me. Fran
: I swear.
: It's so unfair. I must be musical, I've got hundreds of CDs.
: What did you say that for? Now he's coming back. Bernard
: Don't worry. Manny'll pick it up. Manny
: No he won't. He's on holiday, remember? He'll be watching the test match in bed eating tiramisu with a long spoon.
: Manny! Don't. Josef is coming, he'll squeeze my face again, my brains will come out of my nose and I'll die.
: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away? Bernard
: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.
: If I was any more relaxed, you could pour me into a bowl.
: How about a treat? Fran
: It's not that carrot thing again?
: So what's it like then? The fags and booze. Bernard
: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think... Fran
: Yep... Bernard
: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think... Fran
: Yep... Bernard
: ..."This is fantastic. I'm in heaven."
: You are being very mean to Manny. Bernard
: I can't help it. He looks like a horse in a man costume. Fran Katzenjammer
: It's just his mum and dad. Why can't he have his mum and dad for the weekend? Bernard
: That's easy for you to say. You'll be off on the barge trying to find your booty in a haze of gang and ting. Fran Katzenjammer
: How did you know it was on a barge? Bernard
: I... I... didn't. I... I don't, I don't. Fran Katzenjammer
: You nasty man, you've been screening his calls. Bernard
: Well, he doesn't need friends. They're bad for him. They make him all giddy.
: I feel you breathe, I feel you move. Mrs Letter Opener says hello to Mr Lung.
: How long did you think that was going to last? Manny
: I was hoping for about 5 minutes.
: [Throws a breadstick at a waiter
] Wine please. Bernard
: Lots of wine. Fran Katzenjammer
: Expensive wine! Bernard
: Wine from the bottom of the list! Fran Katzenjammer
: Wine! Bernard
: [Bernard is hooked on poker but has run up huge debts, his creditors demand payment or they will repossess his shop or cut his legs off. He turns to Fran and Manny for help
] Ugh. Manny, do you still have those funny looking sunglasses you got in Whitstable? Manny
: Yeah, they're in the bathroom. You think they're funny looking?
] Bernard Black
: I'm going to be made homeless and short and you're chatting. Fran
: Relax. Everything's going to be fine.
: [posing as loud American tourists
] Look. A real English bookie. There. Are you happy now? Manny
: What is this with the tiny television? Why can't we go someplace and play cards? Fran
: Why you wanna play cards? You lose!
: I couldn't help overhearing. I know of a game if you're interested. Fran
: Anything. Anything to shut him up. Hey mister, do you mind if I sit in? I wanna make sure he doesn't lose too much. Hundred grand here, hundred grand there - it adds up. Martin
: That's not gonna be a problem.
[after Manny has ran away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities over the phone
: Well, where is he? How can I find him? Bernard
: Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.
: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon... Bernard
: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.
: You said he had a funny smell. Bernard
: He did. He did. He had a living beetroot smell.
: So *you're* the one who can't read, hmm? Sit down. Danny Spudge
: What? Fran
: I *said* sit down. And you can take that stupid look off your big head. Now. We've drawn an 'A', haven't we. What is it? Danny Spudge
: It's an 'A'. I wanna go to the toilet. Fran
: Shut up. Not until you can read this. Nibbly Pig got on a bus. Manny
: [hiding with Bernard
] She's playing with fire. He's not ready for Nibbly Pig.
: [Fran has been asked to give a presentation to the Board but has no idea what about
] Well, well, well. Why are we here? What's it all about?
[draws circle on flipchart
: Ask yourselves this. Is this A. effective and B. productive?
[draws dot in middle of circle
: Are we
: or are we not
: a company?
[board stands and applauds
: Sales manager in a large department store. Fran
: Too busy. Manny
: Beautician on a cruise liner. Fran
: Too boaty.
: You look like you should have "Dorset - 5 Miles" written on you.
: I want Manny in on this. Manny! Bernard
: No, don't. He's no use to anyone. He stayed up all night with his birthday presents. A complete set of The Sweeney and an espresso machine.
[discussing what film to see at the cinema
: What's this? "'Blue Tunes' - Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Minnie Driver... Fran
: Oh, I hate her. Bernard
: ...Grouchy Leonard Blue runs a second hand record shop with his half-wit mustachioed assistant Danny...
: ...when this zany pair team up with bitchy, neurotic neighbour Pam things are sure to be a riot of laughs". Where do they get this crap?