Bernard Black
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Quotes for
Bernard Black (Character)
from "Black Books" (2000)

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"Black Books: Party (#3.6)" (2004)
Bernard: [describing a party] Drinks were few and the people many... it was everything I expected and less.

Bernard: What is this I'm drinking? It's like a choc ice fell into a bucket of Bleach... Childrens Booze!

Bernard: What is this... I'm drinking? It's disgu... It's like a choc ice fell into a bottle of bleach. It's children's booze! What's yours?
Fran: Bludge. It's quite good, actually. You don't even have to drink it. You just rub it on your hips and it eats right through to your liver.

Bernard: [to Manny] Right. We are going to this party, because I'm trying to picture the sort of girl who would be interested in you, and all I can see is you. In a dress.

[On a girl Manny is interested in]
Bernard: Who is she then, this so-called person?

Manny: Let's paaaaar...
Bernard: Don't you dare use the word "party" as a verb in this shop!

Fran: Notice anything different about me?
Bernard: You've turned into a heron.

Bernard: I had a girlfriend actually, she died. Her name was Emma. You're talking about someone you barely know knocking you back. Big deal. We were supposed to be living together by now but instead I wake up every morning and look from my cornflakes and see your big, snaggle-toothèd head.

Manny: [having sworn to Fran that he won't tell Bernard his deceased ex-fiancée is still alive] She's alive! She's still alive! Fran told me! Fran knows her!
Bernard: Is this true? How long have you known?
Fran: A couple of years.
Bernard: I don't believe you.
Fran: She's in my phone. Look. That's her full name isn't it?
Bernard: I don't believe you.
Fran: This is photo of her and me at her last birthday. One of many she'll have, still being alive. These are her dental records. This is her birth certificate. I keep it safely tucked inside the envelope with a photo of her reading yesterday's newspaper and wearing an "I love life" t-shirt.

Bernard: I bet Manny doesn't know what name you were born with, does he? Have you met? Have you met Enid, Manny?
Fran: Don't go down this road.
Bernard: Remember that letter you wrote to your mother as part of the self-help programme? You couldn't find it? That's because I found it and I posted it.

Bernard: I read your personal ad. That was good. 'Attractive, 30 something female, seeks solvent male for sex and possible friendship. Sense of humour irrelevant'.

Bernard: You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls- people!

Bernard: [using Fran's new mobile phone] Hello, can I speak to Emma please. Oh it's you. Yes it's me. How are you? I'm fine, I'm fine, actually no I'm not. I'm dead. Not so funny now is it?

Bernard: You can't hang up on the undead.

Bernard: Anyway, you had your chance with her. What did you talk about?
Manny: Offshore wind farms. I couldn't think of anything else.

Bernard: Who else knows about this?
Fran: Nobody. Hardly anybody. A few people. Mr Singh at the newsagents, and your parents - I told them. And of course at parties if your name comes up.

Fran: Bernard, why aren't you dancing?
Bernard: There's no music.
Fran: Well, sing us a song - you're Irish.

Bernard: [Fran is dancing] Are you finished? Because that's rubbish.

Fran: Look Bernard, look at my new phone! Look, look, look, look, look! It's got web access, it's got a camera, it can do everything...
Bernard: Daaggh! Can it stop boring conversations?
Fran: No, none of them can do that.
Bernard: Mine can.
[Bernard picks up his phone receiver and speaks into it]
Bernard: Shut up about your phone.

Bernard: Don't you dare use 'party' as a verb in this shop!

Manny: Fran, get the wine!
Bernard: What? Lies! Subterfuge!

Manny: There's a girl.
Bernard: A what? You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls- people. Who is she?
Manny: Roweena, a friend of Anne's. I met her once and was hoping to meet her again.
Bernard: Oh, I see.
Bernard: Roweena! Roweeeeena! And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?
Manny: Why are you getting so angry?
Bernard: I can't help being angry when I'm furious! So, before you go off to raise your bearded freak circus, what's she like?
Manny: She's nice.
Bernard: She's nice, she- dont make me sick into my own scorn. What are her prospects? Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the servants?
Manny: I don't know. All I know is I like her and there's a good chance that she likes me.
Bernard: [Later] Well, we're going to this party because I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress.

Bernard: Genetically, you are a cul-de-sac

Manny: It's Friday night!
Bernard: Well it was Friday night last week, it'll be Friday night next week and every week until we're dead and even then the whole rotten business will on and on and on.

"Black Books: Fever (#2.2)" (2002)
Fran: If I told you the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think I was mad?
Bernard: No, I would ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.
Fran: Look, if you don't believe me you can come 'round and we'll watch the walls.
Manny: Don't be ridiculous. You'll be staying in watching the thermometer with me, won't you Bernard?
Bernard: Oh, I dunno, walls, thermometers, it's an impossible decision. I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.

Bernard: Courtship calls. I'm going to get Alice some chocolates and flowers and chocolate flowers and florets of chocolate. I'm sending a truckload of woo.

Manny: The heating's on!
Bernard: I want to see what happens to you at 88 degrees.

Bernard: What are you doing?
Room 2B Occupant: I'm literally jumping for joy. This is going to be the best summer ever! I love you!

Bernard: I hope you're wearing your Heat-B-Gone booties.

Bernard: Get out! Women think you're my girlfriend.

Fran: Just a few hours please? I'm lying there writhing, all sticky and glistening...
Bernard: Stop. It!

Female holidaymaker: Hi, we're looking for...
[Bernard hands her a copy of Tempapocalypse]
Bernard: Here's one for you.
Female holidaymaker: How do you know what we both want?
Male holidaymaker: We don't like the same stuff.
Bernard: You're going on holiday. You want trash. But different kinds of trash. You, you want social themes, believable characters. You, you want suspense, thriller. This does you both. It's this temp. She's 29 and she can't get a boyfriend. Oh my god.
Female holidaymaker: Sounds great.
Male holidaymaker: No way.
Bernard: And she's got 12 hours to stop a nuclear war with China.
Male holidaymaker: Well, one copy each!

Bernard: Feng Shui is nine tenths of the law.

Bernard: Don't block the frock.

Fran: Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange?
Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children.

Manny: Is space hot?
Bernard: Of course it is, where do you think we get pineapples from?

[On learning that his summer girlfriend doesn't fancy him]
Bernard: No! No! You're my summer girlfriend - you don't get angry. You throw your hair back and laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream because that's what Aunty Nibs used to do.

[Fran's landlord is in his office, eating. Bernard walks in]
Bernard: Not so fast. I represent Fran Katzenjammer from room 2. She's my client, and I'm a hotshot lawyer like you would've seen on... television.
Landlord: So what's the problem, exactly?
Bernard: My client's room is smaller. And as you know, it is illegal to sell space under the European Legislation act, which happens... in a court.
Landlord: Her room's the same as it's always been. I can give you the measurements if you want?
Bernard: Don't evade the question.
Landlord: Eh?
Bernard: Just answer the question!
Landlord: What question?
Bernard: Huh? Oh, right, sorry. Um... where were you when the rooms were measured?
Landlord: Oh, I was...
Bernard: Ahahahaha! Ah, so if that's the case, then where was the room?
Landlord: 2B has always been there, you can see it for yourself.
Bernard: You're damn right I will, before I send this whole building downtown to the boys in the lab. I'm confiscating these as evidence...
[he picks up a packet of buns]
Bernard: And I'm issuing you with a decree of sub... dew... dee. Subjudy! You are under legal subjudy to stay in that chair until such time as, erm... until Simon says stand up!

Bernard: You've got yourself a case, you should get a lawyer.
Manny: Expensive though. Maybe get someone to pretend to be a lawyer.
Bernard: Yeah, get someone who's a bit like a lawyer - arrogant, cruel, crooked, a real bastard.
[Manny and Fran stare at Bernard]
Bernard: No, I'm not doing it.
Fran: Oh, go on! And then when you get a girlfriend, I'll give you a reference! I'll lie, I'll say you were... okay.
Bernard: Alright, deal.

Bernard: No, I'm not 12.

Bernard: You're my oldest friend. Don't you think it's about time we admitted how we feel about each other. Just for the summer?
Fran: No. I don't. I think we should wait.
Bernard: Until when?
Fran: Until at least one of us is dead.

Bernard: Look at her. She looks like she washes her hair in streams and milks things.

Manny: Will you stay with me?
Bernard: No, I'm a boyfriend now. I have duties. Lots of sighing, holding hands, not finishing sentences properly...

Bernard: [Bernard watches a beautiful woman walk by] Mustn't stare, mustn't stare.
Fran: You haven't stared at me...
Bernard: You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree.

Book Return Man: [brings back copy of Tempocalypse] I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, i was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money
Bernard: [grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops] Aha! sand!
[collects some onto his finger]
Bernard: Manny!
[sprinkles it into manny's mouth]
Manny: [tasting the sand] Sardinia... South... Porto Scuzo... The little beach by the monastery.
Bernard: [to customer] Get out!
[shoves his book back into his hands]
Book Return Man: Damn!

Fran: Well if you don't believe me you can come round tonight and we'll watch the wall!
Manny: Don't be ridiculous;we'll be staying in watching the thermometer,won't we Bernard?
Bernard: I don't know,it's an impossible choice;walls,thermometers,I just have to hope when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.

"Black Books: Cooking the Books (#1.1)" (2000)
Bernard: Half ten? Half ten? I've never been up at half ten! What happens?

Fran: Finished with your accounts?
Bernard: Yes. I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.

Manny: I've been gravely injured now. I don't have to do my accounts. You're a witness.
Manny: I could do your accounts.
Bernard: What?
Manny: I'm an accountant. I was. It's the least I could do
Bernard: You mean you could do more?
Manny: Yeah.
Bernard: Could I have a glass of wine?
Manny: OK.
Bernard: And a ham sandwich?
Manny: If you like.
Bernard: With pickle?

Bernard: [to a cluster of skinheads] Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey, you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right. This is you, okay?
[prances about]
Bernard: Tra-la-la!
Bernard: Millwall! That's the one! Do you know this chant? 'Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... '
[three men punch him in the face at once]

[Whilst vainly trying to fill in his tax return form]
Bernard: If you live in a council flat... next to a river... but are not blind... WHAT?

Bernard: [customer buying book, hands it to Bernard] Oh, we've got a special offer on this one.
Customer: Really?
Bernard: Yeah, it's free if you break my legs.
Customer: [pauses] Fair enough
Bernard: GREAT! I'll get the hobbling post, there!
[Waits for the customer to respond]
Customer: Wait, I think I've read this one, that's the problem with Woodhouse isn't it?
Bernard: It's all terrible, just hurry up and break my legs!
Customer: But I've already read it! No, I'm sorry, I've got to go!

Bernard: [speaking through a megaphone] Right, the shop is closed, everybody get out! Time to go home, come on!
Old Woman: But it's only quarter to three!
Bernard: Yes, but it's my shop.
[now shooing them out with a broom]
Bernard: Come on, go home, bye bye, get out...
Old Woman: That's hardly fair!
Bernard: It isn't fair at all. Get out!
Rich Guy: I expect better service!
Bernard: Well, expect away. Goodbye! Come on, all you time-wasting bastards, back on the streets. Thank you!
[slams door]

Rich Guy: Those books. How much?
Bernard: Hmmm?
Rich Guy: Those books. The leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens, the Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
Rich Guy: Are they real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Rich Guy: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with the sofa.
[Bernard looks confused]
Rich Guy: Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Rich Guy: Two hundred pounds.
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Rich Guy: No.
Bernard: Sorry. I need leather bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next.

[on being a pregnant woman's 'birth partner']
Bernard: Urk. That's going to be intense, a lot of blood, a lot of shouting, and urm...
Fran: Oh, no no no, I'll just get drunk. In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk, it'll be just like the old days.

[when being asked to explain his 'filing system' by his accountant]
Bernard: I don't know, Nick! I'm not... Wonder Woman.

[to three violent skinheads]
Bernard: Hey, you know when you're doing the usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing?

Jehovah's Witness: Hello. We're wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus.
Bernard: [pause] Great! Come in!
Jehovah's Witness: What?
Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus. What's he up to now?
Jehovah's Witness: It's a trap!

Nick Voleur: Now Bernard. About this new filing system you were telling me about.
Bernard: Ah yes well
[reaches into pocket and takes out handful of receipts]
Bernard: This is March to... boobelyboo
[takes out more receipts]
Bernard: this is err... misc
[takes out more receipts]
Bernard: and this is... other.
Nick Voleur: Bernard. This new filing system. It's very closely modeled on the old one isn't it?
Bernard: Well Nick I'd actually go further than that. I'd say it was more or less exactly... the same...

[attempting to fill in his tax return form]
Bernard: "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do.
[writing on the form]
Bernard: 'Ma. Possibly deceased'.

Bernard: Which one of you bitches wants to dance?

Bernard: Millwall fans, are we? Have you heard this one? "Millwall, Millwall, Millwall! You're awful! And your girlfriends are all unfulfilled and alienated"

"Black Books: Manny Come Home (#3.1)" (2004)
Bernard: [upon evicting Manny] Up with this I will not put. Pack and begone!
Manny: Bernard, No! Look at yourself, who's going to look after you? You can't live on the mushrooms in your hair!
Bernard: I'm fine!
[pulls a mushroom from behind his ear and eats it]

Bernard: Up with this I will not put!

Bernard: [Evan has come to get Manny] Get your own human plaything!

[Bernard and Fran are spying on Manny who is now working for a rival bookstore]
Bernard: Look at him! He's half Iago, Half Fu Manchu, all bastard!

Fran: Manny? Bernard?
Bernard: Oh. It's you. Go round the green binbags. Turn right at the mouldy George Elliot, forward, forward and turn left at the dead badger.

Fran: Bernard, are you alright?
Bernard: Never better. I've discovered television.

Fran: Where's Manny?
Bernard: Him? He left. That's what happens when you love someone and nurture them and take care of them.
Fran: You mean you fired him.
Bernard: There may have been an incident involving a hand and a kitchen item and maybe the item was a sandwich toaster and maybe the hand was Manny's and maybe I introduced them to one another.
Fran: So he's gone.
Bernard: Oh no, he still sleeps here, burrowed in like the little tick he is. But he leaves every day. Every day is another betrayal.

Bernard: Look at him. He's bending down now. He's standing up now. I knew he'd do that.
Fran: Is this really helping.

Manny: No, wait a minute. This is all about you, isn't it Fran? You're being totally selfish. Why can't you let us have our vicious, soul-destroying break up in peace.
Bernard: He's right. We are in pieces and you don't care about anything except having somewhere to hang around.
Manny: Uh, thanks.
Bernard: Not at all. It's never going to be like it was Fran.
Manny: Never! I agree.
Bernard: We agree. Manny and I are opposed on every point.
Manny: Well put.
Bernard: Thank you.
Manny: My pleasure.

Bernard: Haven't you got other friends to annoy? Why don't you go and persecute them?
Manny: Yeah, society lady? How come you went to Cornwall on your own?
Fran: I've got friends.
Bernard: Well, go to them.
Fran: I will.
Manny: Don't let us stop you.
Fran: I won't.

Bernard: Manny, I'm sorry... I'm sorry I ever let you in here, to rob me of my best years before leaving me a burnt out husk.

Bernard: Don't ask questions, just do it! And clean this place up, it's a disgrace! And polish the stair rails! De-louse the duvet! Tumble dry our doilies! And hoover the roof! And whistle down the chimneys!

Bernard: Get your own Human Plaything!

"Black Books: Manny's First Day (#1.2)" (2000)
Bernard: You there - Lord of the Rings, Let's talk about how this whole, er, one-day-trial thing is going. At the moment you're fired.

Fran: So Manny, tell us about yourself.
Manny: Well, I was born in London...
Bernard: Not so fast, David Copperfield. If you're going to go that far back we're going to need popcorn or something.

Manny: This place could look all right, you know, with a few lamps.
Bernard: Why didn't you just say you were gay?
Manny: I'm not.
Bernard: But you're interested in lamps.
Manny: Yeah, but I'm interested in women... and lamps. I thought you were actually. Gay, I mean
Bernard: So did I, for a short while, but then I learnt of the prohibitive standards of hygiene, and all that *dancing*

Fran Katzenjammer: [storms in, furious]
Bernard: What did I do?
Fran Katzenjammer: [throws a book at him]
Bernard: What did I do?
Fran Katzenjammer: Did you tell Manny he was fired?
Bernard: You nearly hurt me in the shoulder then.
Fran Katzenjammer: Did you?
Bernard: Yes, well, maybe a little bit.

Fran Katzenjammer: You need someone normal around here.
Bernard: Normal? He's normal is he? And what am I then?
Fran Katzenjammer: You're a freak, Bernard, you know that.

Bernard: Where are all the books?
Manny: Pardon?
Bernard: Where are all the books?
Manny: Oh. They've all been sold.
Bernard: Oh Jesus! That means I have to ring the ordering place and you have no idea how incredibly boring and complicated that is.
[calls the ordering place]
Bernard: Hello? Is this the place you order books from if you want to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know. I don't know. Can you just send me some books? Argh.
Manny: [takes phone] Hello, who am I speaking to? Katy, Hi! Uh, we'll have the full Austen, complete Trollope - not you! Penguin paperback editions. Tolstoy? Yeah. Fling a few in. Alright, alright. Bye bye.

Bernard: You sold a lot of books. You got on well with all the customers. I have to fire you.

Bernard: I'm going out. I'm taking some clothes to Oxfam.
Manny: Alright.
Bernard: I usually lock up.
Manny: But now I'm here it's different.
Bernard: Yes. It's different.
[starts to lock the door]
Manny: Why are you locking the door?
Bernard: I always lock the door.
Manny: But now that I'm here it's different.
Bernard: Yes. It's different. I've never locked anybody in before.

Manny: [Reading the rules Beranrd has written] "No mobiles, no wigwams."
Bernard: Walkmans!
Manny: "No snoit... No snoity car..." This is indecipherable!
Bernard: Look! It is perfectly simple. "No mobiles, no Walkmans..."
[pauses, unsure]
Bernard: None of that! Or any of the others!

Bernard: Who are you?
First Customer: I'm a customer.
Bernard: Oh, right.

Fran Katzenjammer: You need someone normal around here.
Bernard: Normal! He's normal is he, is he?
Fran Katzenjammer: [chuckles]
Bernard: What am I then?
Fran Katzenjammer: Well you're a freak, Bernard, you know that.
Bernard: [pauses then blurts] Yes. I know. But I have rights!

Manny: But I got on well with all the customers, I sold a lot of books!
Bernard: It's not that kind of operation.

"Black Books: Elephants and Hens (#3.2)" (2004)
Manny: Well, instead of the? um? academic and the journalist's daughter? um? perhaps it could be about an elephant?
Bernard: An elephant?
Manny: That's right.
Bernard: I see. What's your other suggestion?
Manny: Well? um? instead of the Stalinist purges and the divorce and the investigation, um? it could be about losing a balloon.
Bernard: An elephant who loses his balloon?
Manny: That's it.
Bernard: But, but it would still be my story in essence?
Manny: Oh, yeah.
Bernard: My vision?
Manny: Completely.
Bernard: Yes, all right! Let's do that, then!

[Manny reads "The Elephant and the Balloon", the children's book he and Bernard have spent all night writing]
Manny: There's the elephant. He's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino. Look in the alligator's mouth.
Manny, Bernard: It's not there either.
Manny: Ohhhh... the monkey's got it in the tree!
Manny, Bernard: He brings it back. They all drink lemonade. The end.

Bernard: It couldn't be simpler. You've got the academic who survived the Stalinist purges and is now having flashbacks to that time. There's his daughter whose long bitter marriage is falling apart around her and the journalist who's investigating the academic because he suspects he was never in Russia at the time and then he falls obsessively in love with the daughter and sacrifices his career to become a lense grinder in Omsk.

Timmy: [Bernard is smoking and eating an ice cream] My father says smoking makes you dead. You go all black inside.
Timmy's Mother: Timmy? I'm sorry, is he annoying you?
Bernard: No, but I'm afraid we don't allow ice creams in the shop.
Timmy: I haven't got an ice cream.
Bernard: [Bernard has hidden his ice cream in Timmy's pocket] I think Timmy's telling a naughty fib.
Timmy's Mother: Outside now. I'm so sorry.
Bernard: Not at all.

Mother: [deleted scene] Hello, do you have the latest in the Doom Castle series?
Bernard: The what?
Mother: You know, it's the books where there's a group of children and they worship a horned god.
Manny: Yes, it's right here. Anything that gets them reading, eh?
Bernard: 6.66
Mother: All her friends love it too, they come round and have their little ceremonies, don't you dear?
Girl: We observe the sacred rites. As all must.

Manny: Well, instead of the... um... academic and the journalist's daughter... um... perhaps it could be about an elephant?
Bernard: An elephant?
Manny: That's right.
Bernard: I see. What's your other suggestion?
Manny: Well... um... instead of the Stalinist purges and the divorce and the investigation, um... it could be about loosing a balloon.
Bernard: An elephant who looses his balloon?
Manny: That's it.
Bernard: But, but it would still be my story in essence?
Manny: Oh, yeah.
Bernard: My vision?
Manny: Completely.
Bernard: Yes, alright! Let's do that, then!

Bernard: We're on the pig's back, charging through a velvet field.

Bernard: Let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around. Sort of go crazy, you know, no rules...
Manny: Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes...
Bernard: [hysterically] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!

Manny: How about a London Pigeon?
Bernard: No, that makes me cringe.

Manny: The modern child, what does he want to read?
Bernard: ...Who cares? We've got to write for ourselves as children. Back when innocence was legal. Back when you would go cycling for three hours just to tell a friend you saw a frog.
Manny: All I ever needed for entertainment was a Breezeblock and a bit of an old bone.
Bernard: I bet you conquered Worlds with that bit of old bone.

Bernard: Who is this mouse? What does it want? What are its hopes and dreams?

"Black Books: Grapes of Wrath (#1.3)" (2000)
Manny: [Manny and Bernard are drinking wine] This is a farmyard of wine...
Bernard: It's like looking into the eye of a duck...
Manny: And sucking all the fluid from its beak.

Fran: I've got a date. Ben, divorcee, very good-looking... nice arse. Which is a first for me.
Bernard: Never had a nice one?
Fran: No, never. And I know they exist because I've seen them on the telly. You had one?
Bernard: Well, there was this one woman, Janine. I don't know if it was "nice", but it was... huge! So there was this enormous sense of value.

Bernard: It's all waffle! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine doesn't have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: It's some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster!
Bernard: Are there any more?

Bernard: [gibbering] They'd all laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do... to create a new strain of super-wine in a half an hour with a fraction of nature's resources and a FOOL for an assistant. "Bernard Black, he's mad," they'd say. "He's insane. He's dangerous." Well I'll show them! I'll show them all!

Bernard: I don't trust him. He has no nasal hair.

Manny: You are a filth *wizard*. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Ugh. Look?
[he opens a pizza box]
Bernard: Pizza. I was going to warm it and eat it later. *Everybody* does that. That's *normal*. You are just *looking* for things to complain about.
Manny: And what are these?
Bernard: ...wasps.

Bernard: No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bazillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: Some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster.
Manny: Is it? Are there any more?

Bernard: [Cleaner appears from nowhere] GAH! Who are you?
Cleaner: [sinister, ethereal] Who am I? I'll tell you who I am! I'm the Cleaner!

Bernard: Old wine is good wine.
Manny: Ah, but expensive wine is good wine.
Bernard: Ah, but the older it is, the better it is.
Manny: Yes, but the more expensive it is, the gooder it is.

Bernard: How much does it say it was worth?
Manny: £7000!
Bernard: Well, I've got three fifty, how much have you got?

Bernard: Look!
[the headline says "Pope killed by inferior wine, man held"]
Bernard: It's my birthday!

"Black Books: The Entertainer (#2.1)" (2002)
Fran: What did you say that for? Now he's coming back.
Bernard: Don't worry. Manny'll pick it up.
Manny: No he won't. He's on holiday, remember? He'll be watching the test match in bed eating tiramisu with a long spoon.

Bernard: You. What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the renaissance. She'll think I've lied, I had to go along with all this reclusive genius stuff. She'll be really upset when she finds out I'm a reclusive wanker.

Bernard: [Manny is practising a Bach Fugue] Faster. Faster. You're not trying. Feathery strokes, feathery strokes.
Manny: You just told me to dampen it!
Bernard: Damp feathers.

Bernard: Beat it, flaps.

Bernard: Where's my cure?
Manny: It's not my fault you're hungover.
Bernard: It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to blot out.

Manny: I want the weekend off. I want a life.
Bernard: This is life! We suffer and slave and expire. That's it!
Manny: We have needs! Fran wants to learn the piano, I want some time to myself, you want to go out with a girl...
Bernard: Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away, and I'll die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.

Bernard: [to Fran] You! What have you been telling Kate? She thinks I'm the renaissance. I have to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff... she's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm a reclusive wanker.

Bernard: [to Fran] You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the renaissance.

"Black Books: Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa (#3.3)" (2004)
Bernard: He looks like a horse in a man costume!

Fran Katzenjammer: You are being very mean to Manny.
Bernard: I can't help it. He looks like a horse in a man costume.
Fran Katzenjammer: It's just his mum and dad. Why can't he have his mum and dad for the weekend?
Bernard: That's easy for you to say. You'll be off on the barge trying to find your booty in a haze of gang and ting.
Fran Katzenjammer: How did you know it was on a barge?
Bernard: I... I... didn't. I... I don't, I don't.
Fran Katzenjammer: You nasty man, you've been screening his calls.
Bernard: Well, he doesn't need friends. They're bad for him. They make him all giddy.

Bernard: It's not my problem. It is my house though, and I'm not having it infected with the kind of specimens capable of producing you.

Bernard: Just think. You'll get a week with them all to yourself.
Manny: Oh what have I done...

Bernard: If I hear any nonagenarian hanky-panky I'm calling the police.

Moo-Pa: So, Bernard, the shop's still called "Black Books", is it?
Bernard: Yeah. I was going to call it "World of Tights", but you know how stupid people are, you have to spell everything out!

Manny: Aww, no-one ever rings me these days.
Bernard: Yes, it's a mystery isn't it. What with you owning your own sandals and having an egg in your beard.

Fran Katzenjammer: [Throws a breadstick at a waiter] Wine please.
Bernard: Lots of wine.
Fran Katzenjammer: Expensive wine!
Bernard: Wine from the bottom of the list!
Fran Katzenjammer: Wine!
Bernard: WINE!

"Black Books: The Big Lock-Out (#1.5)" (2000)
Manny: That was the last film you went to see? 'Planet of the Apes'?
Bernard: Yeah. Amazing effects, you know. You really believed that monkeys could have meetings.

[When working in a fast food restaurant]
Bernard: Hello. Welcome to... the thing. Whatever this place is.

Bernard: Excuse me, there seems to be some mistake. I bought some popcorn and a drink and now I have no money left.
Youth: That's how much it costs.
Bernard: What is it, magic popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?

[the shop has been robbed]
Bernard: So, what did you tell them? They got in through the back?
Manny: Yeah.
Bernard: Yeah, it wouldn't do to let them know that we went out and you left the front door open, would it?
Manny: Yeah, well, what sort of world is it that you can't go away and leave the front door open without getting robbed?
Bernard: It's this sort of world, Gandalf!

Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off... nail it to a frisbee... and fling it over a rainbow.

Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

"Black Books: Hello Sun (#2.5)" (2002)
Bernard: Stop talking goo!

Fran: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?
Bernard: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

Bernard: The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile.

Bernard: What other grown man cuts soldiers for his runny egg and then divides them into rank?
Manny Bianco: Just a bit of fun.
Bernard: You won't mind if I eat this one?
Manny Bianco: Don't touch the colonel... It'll upset the rest of the men.

First Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taveria in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.

Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze.
Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: Yep...
Bernard: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: Yep...
Bernard: ..."This is fantastic. I'm in heaven."

Bernard: According to this it's dangerous being in the same room as you.

"Black Books: A Nice Change (#2.6)" (2002)
Bernard: Ha-ha! Naughty little passport! Hiding in the crisps again!

[discussing what film to see at the cinema]
Bernard: What's this? "'Blue Tunes' - Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Minnie Driver...
Fran: Oh, I hate her.
Bernard: ...Grouchy Leonard Blue runs a second hand record shop with his half-wit mustachioed assistant Danny...
[Manny tuts]
Bernard: ...when this zany pair team up with bitchy, neurotic neighbour Pam things are sure to be a riot of laughs". Where do they get this crap?

Bernard: [to Manny] Get away from me! It was a thrill to recreate with you, but now our association ends. You have brought nothing but pain, penury, and strife into my days. I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence. Here's your redundancy package, here; I'm sorry most of it's in Fenobian wooden dollars, but that's largely your fault! Now good luck, and goodbye!

Bernard: A HA! Naughty little passport! Hiding in the crisps again!

Manny: [Reading a movie review from the newspaper] Regression,Richard Geer: He has to kill himself to go back to the past to rescue himself as a child,so that he can grow up to kill himself to go back in the past to rescue himself as a child,so he can grow up...
Bernard: No!What's this?
[reading from the paper]
Bernard: Blue Tunes,Matt Damon,Ben Affleck,Minnie Driver: Bernard Blue runs a second hand records shop with his half-wit mustachioed assistant Danny.The zany pair team up with bitchy neurotic neighbor Pam,things are sure to be a riot of laughs.Where do they get this crap!

Bernard: Forget your beaches and jungles;we're going somewhere where I can read,sit,and have a quiet drink.
Manny: So your ideal holiday would in fact be here?
Bernard: Correct.So find somewhere exactly like this.

"Black Books: Travel Writer (#3.5)" (2004)
Bernard: Hanley! Hanley, come out you blood sucker!
[the door opens]
Solicitor: Miss Hanley is dead.
Bernard: Eh?
Solicitor: She died in the night.
Bernard: I don't care... I mean, how awful.

Roland: So, let me guess: Mice. No, wait... you've got cockroaches.
Bernard: Yeah, we do, actually, but don't touch them, will you? It would upset the bat.

Roland: No I cant do it, I cant kill an innocent cat.
Bernard: Why not it will be easy bada bing bada meow.

Solicitor: Miss Hanley left this falt to a Mr. Benson, he's in the kitchen. What was it you wanted to query... Mr...?
Bernard: Black. I'll talk directly with him, I don't want any legal fidgiewidgieness upsetting natural justice.
[he enters the kitchen]
Bernard: Benson! Benson! Where is he? Benson?
Solicitor: Mr. Benson is in the bread bin.
Bernard: I said no legal fidgiewidgieness! I want to see the owner, I want to sort this out and I want...
Solicitor: [opens the bread bin, revealing Mr. Benson, a cat] He likes to sleep there. What was it you wanted to say to him?
Bernard: [unrolls a bill] I'm not paying this!

Manny: Bernard, I was wondering if you might have a word with Fran. Tell her that I'm looking after Jason and he doesn't appreciate her trying to flirt with him.
Bernard: Ssssh!
[meowing is heard]
Bernard: You hear that? He's up there... mewing in the nerve centre of his evil empire. A ground rent increase here, a tax dodge there? he sticks his leg in the air, laughs his cat laugh... and dives back down to grooming his balls!

Manny: Bernard, I wondered if you might have a word with Fran. Explain to her that I'm looking after Jason and he doesn't appreciate her trying to flirt with him.
Bernard: Ssssh!
[meowing is heard]
Bernard: You hear that? He's up there... mewing in the - in the nerve centre of his empire. A hike in rent here, a tax dodge there, he sticks his leg in the air, laughs his cat laugh... and then he dives back to grooming his balls!

"Black Books: The Blackout (#1.4)" (2000)
Bernard: So I go to the toilet in your wicker chair, it's a faux pas.

Bernard: I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp.

Bernard: How can you blank someone in an ambulance?

Fran: I want Manny in on this. Manny!
Bernard: No, don't. He's no use to anyone. He stayed up all night with his birthday presents. A complete set of The Sweeney and an espresso machine.

Bernard: [describing his friends Gerald and Sarah] And she's an interior designer, she's on that show "Pet Surprise".
Manny: Haven't heard of it.
Bernard: You know, you know. They take the dog out for a walk, he thinks it's a normal walk and when he gets back the kennels got a patio and french doors!
Manny: Ah yeah...
Bernard: And he's like, "Oh my god!"

Bernard: This is about dignity!
[falls off the steps and breaks his arm]

"Black Books: The Fixer (#2.3)" (2002)
Bernard: You can find work and sort your life out anytime. The pub closes in five hours.

Bernard: You think you're a gangster?
Manny: I'm known in all the boroughs.

Bernard: He's a midget. A tiny midget.
Manny: What if he overheard?
Bernard: He won't. His ears are too small.

Bernard: Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Bernard: Who's Harry? I don't have a boat!

"Black Books: He's Leaving Home (#1.6)" (2000)
Bernard: [talking about David Beckham] I know him. He cried during the Cup and now he sells crisps.

Bernard: [phone rings] Manny? Manny, phone. Manny.
Bernard: Oh, I'll get it, shall I?
[picks up]
Bernard: Hello?
Manny: [on phone] Bernard?
Bernard: Manny. Where are you? The phone's been ringing.

[after Manny has ran away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities over the phone]
Fran: Well, where is he? How can I find him?
Bernard: Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.

Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...
Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.

Fran: You said he had a funny smell.
Bernard: He did. He did. He had a living beetroot smell.

"Black Books: Blood (#2.4)" (2002)
[Manny comes into the kitchen wearing a plastic bag]
Bernard Black: Did you get the lobsters?
[Bernard hits the bag]
Bernard Black: Put them in the pot!
Manny: [while pouring the lobsters into the pot] What's it gonna be?
Bernard Black: Our signature dish: Luxury pie! The food of kings!
[Bernard turns to the stove]
Bernard Black: Truffles! Saffron! Caviar! And champagne!
[Bernard pours a bottle of champagne into the pot]
Manny: [while presenting a strainer] Drizzle it, drizzle it!

Bernard: My oven can cook bits of oven!

Manny: Bernard...
Bernard: Don't start, customer lover.
Manny: I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.
Bernard: What for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is.
Bernard: If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.
Manny: It needs doing.
Bernard: It's charming. It has character.

"Black Books: A Little Flutter (#3.4)" (2004)
Fran: [Bernard is hooked on poker but has run up huge debts, his creditors demand payment or they will repossess his shop or cut his legs off. He turns to Fran and Manny for help] Ugh. Manny, do you still have those funny looking sunglasses you got in Whitstable?
Manny: Yeah, they're in the bathroom. You think they're funny looking?
[Fran nods]
Bernard Black: I'm going to be made homeless and short and you're chatting.
Fran: Relax. Everything's going to be fine.