Joe Garrelli
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Quotes for
Joe Garrelli (Character)
from "NewsRadio" (1995)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"NewsRadio: Noise (#5.4)" (1998)
Joe Garrelli: Made something for you, dude.
Dave: What is it, a time machine?
Joe Garrelli: Do you see a steering wheel on this thing?

Joe Garrelli: It's a white noise machine. Some electronic noise to help you relax.
Dave: Aren't those things supposed to be smaller?
Joe Garrelli: Welcome to the big leagues, Dave, 'cause those little babies only have three settings at the most.
Dave: Uh-huh? And this one?
Joe Garrelli: Four.

Max Lewis: In this date in 1777, there was a lull in fighting at Valley Forge. Why don't we take the opportunity to make a person-to-person call to General George Washington on the Max Louis history phone.
[Phone rings]
Max Lewis: Hello? Is this the father of our country?
Joe Garrelli: Yeah.
Max Lewis: Mr. Washington, I understand your rag tag band of revolutionaries is having a rough time.
Joe Garrelli: Sucks, dude.
Max Lewis: What is your stategy for dealing with the waves of incoming British troops?
Joe Garrelli: The only strategy I know: a straight-up, street-smart, all-American ass kicking!
Max Lewis: You've heard it first, you've heard it live, on Max Lewis's This Day in History!

Dave: What the hell is this?
Jimmy: I put it on your desk for you. It's one of those executive stress relievers. It looks like a little alien.
Joe Garrelli: No it doesn't.
Beth: See, whenever you feel stressed, you squeeze it like this.
Matthew Brock: David, I'm going to adopt six cats for you.
[Dave squeezes the stress reliever so hard, it explodes]
Dave: Thanks, that really did the trick.

Lisa Miller: This time just keep it simple, get in and get out.
Joe Garrelli: [shouting] Get in, get out! Got it!
Lisa Miller: Joe, you don't have to yell.
Max Lewis: Take off your earplugs!
Joe Garrelli: I'm not wearing them, I'm just pumped!

"NewsRadio: Coda (#2.20)" (1996)
Joe: Seven times. I flunked this test seven times, you know. I mean, I don't want to say 'conspiracy,' but...
Lisa: Well actually, I am starting to see a pattern here."
Joe: Ah. Uh huh. Uh huh.
Lisa: One of last year's questions was: 'In the following circuit, the potential is blank volts.' And you answered: 'I refuse to answer the question on the grounds that the design of this circuit is totally sucky.'
Joe: Yeah. I don't know how that dumb bastard ever got to be a professor.
Lisa: Oh. Well you know, that would explain why you answered the next question: 'If you want to build a thermostat that won't be affected by humidity, try this you dumb bastard.'

Joe: I am not a mindless drone. Mindless drones should not be allowed to use technology.
Lisa: You are the Unabomber, aren't you?

Matthew Brock: As you know, I have been trying to find something to do together.
Bill: We already have something to do together. It's called work.
Matthew Brock: The softball team didn't work for whatever reason.
Joe: Maybe that's because to play softball you need a bat.
Matthew Brock: I know that now.
Joe: And a ball.
Matthew Brock: Whatever!
Lisa: If you're going to get us all Knicks tickets like last year, at least buy them all in advance.
Matthew Brock: I said whatever! Who knew New York was such a big sports town?

Lisa: I did get an 800 on my math SATs.
Joe: Is 800 the score or the number of times you brag about your score?

Joe: I never asked for help before in my life. I mean, I never thought I'd have to ask help from a chick. Don't get me wrong, I have asked chicks for *help*...
Lisa: Joe, that's not help, that's charity.

"NewsRadio: Rose Bowl (#3.15)" (1997)
Joe Garrelli: Wait a minute, sir. Haven't you heard the phrase, "The man who represents himself has a fool for a client"?
Jimmy James: All right, then who do you suggest?
Joe Garrelli: Me.
Jimmy James: All right!

Judge: Is this your counsul?
Joe Garrelli: Yes, your honor. The Master Builder waits at the pyramids.
Judge: I beg your pardon?
Joe Garrelli: I bet you do.

Joe Garrelli: Mr. Lindsey, is this your skull?
George Lindsey: [Inspects skull carefully] No.
Joe Garrelli: No further questions, Your Honor.
Judge: Mr. Lindsey, you are dismissed.
George Lindsey: That's it?

Joe Garrelli: Mr. James's case is in the bag, because I know something the other side doesn't.
Dave Nelson: What's that?
Joe Garrelli: That all federal judges are members of an obscure sect of the Freemasons.
Jimmy James: Wait a minute. You're telling me that our entire case is based on all judges being Masons?
Joe Garrelli: There' more to it than that. There is a secret word that, when uttered, forces the judge to rule in your favor, then go to a secret location to paddle themselves in a secret ceremony.
Dave Nelson: What is it?
Joe Garrelli: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Dave Nelson: All right, but it better be good.

Jimmy James: [Presenting Joe the box of "movie memorabilia" he bought] Check this out.
Joe Garrelli: A Clark bar?
Jimmy James: No, *the* Clark bar, from Looking for Mr. Clarkbar.
Joe Garrelli: Sir, have you ever even been to a movie?
Jimmy James: What about this?
[Pulls out a stuffed beaver]
Jimmy James: Basic Instinct.
Joe Garrelli: That's not the right one.

"NewsRadio: Complaint Box (#3.14)" (1997)
Jimmy: [By radio] What is it?
Joe: An official complaint box.
Jimmy: What's it look like?
Joe: Kinda like a box.
Jimmy: I like it.
Dave: Well, who wouldn't after that beautiful word picture?

[Catherine is recording on a recorder Joe made himself]
Joe: Hold it. I'm hearing some background noise.
Catherine Duke: I don't hear anything.
Joe: It's like a clicking noise. Take off your bracelets, that might help.
[Catherine does]
Joe: Now take off your rings.
[Catherine does]
Joe: Now your blouse.
[Catherine hits Joe upside the head]
Joe: Now I'm hearing a clicking and ringing noise.

Catherine Duke: Joe, this clicking noise. Could it possibly be from a piece of plastic hitting another piece of plastic?
Joe: Yeah, but like a clicky plastic.
Catherine Duke: Like plastic clicking on, say, a cheap, slapped-together reel-to-reel?
Joe: Could be. Could be.
Catherine Duke: Like - oh, I don't know - a label that says Garreli 5000 on it?
Joe: Huh. The Garrelli 4000 had the exact same defect.

Dave: I see you have stormed the dean's office. What are your demands?
Joe: [to Jimmy] College humor, sir.
Jimmy: I never went to college.
Joe: Me neither, sir.
Jimmy: Right on, brother!

"NewsRadio: Freaky Friday (#5.20)" (1999)
Joe Garrelli: [Matthew is holding a spear gun] Dude, what are you doing?
Matthew: What? What?
Joe Garrelli: That's a loaded spear gun!
Matthew: I know. I'm not a complete idiot.
[Spear gun goes off, hits photo on wall]
Matthew: Oh my God! Maybe I am a complete idiot.

Matthew: Mr. James' job is not as easy as I thought. I'm having a little computer trouble.
Joe Garrelli: What kind of trouble?
Matthew: Can't turn it on.

Dave Nelson: Joe, we don't need a science reporter.
Joe Garrelli: Dude, I'm offering my services for free.
Dave Nelson: Yeah, but just so that you can beam your messages to space.
Joe Garrelli: Lucky guess.

"NewsRadio: Hair (#5.14)" (1999)
Dave Nelson: Joe, you do not know hypnotism.
Joe Garrelli: Sure I do. Watch this. Chicken.
[Matthew clucks like a chicken]
Joe Garrelli: Human.
Matthew Brock: What up?
Jimmy James: That's very impressive.
Joe Garrelli: Thank you.
Dave Nelson: No, Joe just told him to do that.
Joe Garrelli: Dave, with Matthew, telling him to do something is hypnotism.

Dave Nelson: Joe, Mr. James is a human being, not your personal plaything.
Joe Garrelli: We'll just keep that our little secret.

Matthew Brock: Look, Mr.James! Over there! It's Vietnam!
Jimmy James: Joe, Matthew is making me see Vietnam in the foyer!
Joe Garrelli: What? Matthew, Vietnam is not in the foyer.
Matthew Brock: I just calls it like I sees them.
Joe Garrelli: Mr. James, that is not Vietnam.
Jimmy James: Then what is it?
Joe Garrelli: It's a magical candy land with gumdrop mountains.
Jimmy James: Oh, yeah. Thanks, Joe.

"NewsRadio: Bitch Session (#2.12)" (1996)
Joe: Did Thomas Edison give up?
Bill: Thomas Edison wasn't trying to invent something that was readily available in a wide variety of stores near his home.

Joe: I never touch any of that mass-produced crap.
Dave: Well, that's very neo-Luddite of you.
Joe: Well, that's very neo-unnecessary-big-word of you.

Joe: Hey, Lisa, tell us the truth. Dave buys his suits at the little boys' department, doesn't he?

"NewsRadio: Look Who's Talking (#4.10)" (1998)
Beth: What's the charity?
Jimmy: A $500 dinner for orphans.
Beth: What kind of cruel charity charges orphans $500 to eat dinner?
Jimmy: No, the money goes to the orphans.
Joe: Sure it does.

[Beth is practicing to be a duchess]
Joe: By the by, where do you winter?
Beth: Oh, me and my ladies in waiting stay at the presidential suite at Disneyland. It's really quite loverly.
Joe: Wrong! Rich people don't go to Disneyland.
Beth: They don't?
Joe: No, they go to Disney World.

Bill: I am about to do something that will fundamentally change my life. I...
Beth: You're getting a liver transplant! You're donating your liver to someone!
Dave: You can't do that.
Joe: Yeah, that's what they want you to think.

"NewsRadio: Christmas (#3.10)" (1996)
Dave Nelson: [Joe is taking down the Christmas decorations] Joe, what are you doing?
Joe Garrelli: You know how depressing it is when you come back from Christmas break and the decorations are still up?
Dave Nelson: Yeah?
Joe Garrelli: Preemptive strike, Dave.

Joe Garrelli: Lisa, you're standing under mistletoe.
Lisa Miller: All right, but no tongue.
[Joe takes down the mistletoe and leaves]
Lisa Miller: All right, with tongue.
[Matthew enters]
Lisa Miller: Not you!

Joe Garrelli: There, I took down all the Christmas decorations and threw away the Christmas tree.
Dave Nelson: Great, Joe. Now you can fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.

"NewsRadio: Meet the Max Louis (#5.2)" (1998)
Max Lewis: You there! Who are you?
Joe Garrelli: Joe, the electrician.
Max Lewis: I don't have time for names! Tell me about the news!
Joe Garrelli: You mean the crap they pass off as news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to know?
Max Lewis: You are no help to me and obviously drunk!

Matthew Brock: Joe, how long are you going to be in my computer? I need to work.
Joe Garrelli: You don't work, you just play computer solitaire.
Matthew Brock: Well, one man's solitaire is another man's bread and butter.

Dave Nelson: Joe, Jesus was not born 2000 years ago today.
Joe Garrelli: Yeah? Well, I have a birth certificate that proves otherwise.

"NewsRadio: Lucky Burger (#5.3)" (1998)
Matthew: I'll have my man break him down Baretta-style.
Joe: Baretta-style interrogation will cost you $15.
Matthew: What can I get for $5?
Joe: Starsky interrogation.
Matthew: What about Hutch?
Joe: I'll give you both for $7.50.
Matthew: Too rich for my blood.

Dave: Hey Joe, any luck?
Joe: No. And I talked to the guards downstairs in the lobby and he hasn't passed through, so he's still in the building.
Dave: That's so ODD.
Matthew: No, Dave, it isn't odd, it is reality, and you'd better buckle your seatbelt, because reality SUCKS!
Dave: Ever been bitch-slapped?

Joe: My sources tell me that there is no sign of a Max Louis working on any of those stations.
Dave: And by sources, I assume that means other electricians?
Joe: We're everywhere, Dave. But don't worry. We like you.

"NewsRadio: Stocks (#3.9)" (1996)
Lisa: Oh, I don't know, Dave's been really uptight about the budget lately.
Joe: [mumbling] Well, I'm sure he could make a special exception for you.
Lisa: What's that supposed to mean?
Joe: Come on, you know, whenever you need something, all you got to do is go in there and ask your sugar-daddy.
Lisa: Dave is not my sugar-daddy.
Joe: Sweetpapa, whatever.
Catherine: Lisa, I need a new stapler, so if you get a chance while you're in with Dave shakin' your stuff for a new chair, could you ask him if...
Lisa: Wait, wait! Wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait - I have never ever been the kind of person who shakes her stuff.
Catherine: OK, so you're a little light in the stuff department. That's okay, but I think we've all seen you shake what you've got.

Lisa: [Dave knocks out the lights by accident with his sword] Dave.
Dave: Yes?
Lisa: I need a new chair.
Joe: [in a faux feminine voice] Woo-ooo. The lights go out and the love talk starts.
Catherine: I wish I had a sweet papa like that.
Dave: Listen, everyone: there, there's absolutely no favoritism at play here, alright?
Lisa: Dave, shut up.
Dave: I am on your side.
Lisa: I know. I just don't think that the time to bring it up is to wave a huge sword around in a dark room.
Catherine: Mmm mm mm mm mm.

"NewsRadio: Pure Evil (#4.6)" (1997)
Dave Nelson: I know what you're going to say...
Catherine Duke: What? I was just going to say how could you ever leave a woman who makes such exquisite cakes?
[gives Dave a bite of cake]
Dave Nelson: Say, that is good. Is that lemon zest?
Joe Garrelli: You know it.

Dave Nelson: Okay, I'm not fine. I'm not fine.
Catherine Duke: Ya sure? Because you seem fine.
Dave Nelson: Well, you know, the old Dave-the old Dave would be fine. The well-meaning, even-tempered, easy-going Dave he'd-he'd be fine with his. But I'm not fine. And you know what? That Dave, that Dave, unfortunately, today is dead.
Catherine Duke: [laughs] No, he's not.
Dave Nelson: Oh, yes he is. Hear me well, as of today, a new Dave is born. A Dave who, for lack of a better phrase, is... pure evil.
Catherine Duke: Pure evil?
Dave Nelson: Pure. Evil.
Joe Garrelli: [enters] Hey, Dave, can I borrow five bucks?
Dave Nelson: Sure, Joe, my wallet's in my desk.
[Joe leaves]
Dave Nelson: Where was I?
Catherine Duke: Um, pure evil.
Dave Nelson: Pure. Evil. And by embodying pure evil, as I now do, in one short week, I will have my old job rightfully rebestowed upon me.
Catherine Duke: You're gonna get Lisa fired?
Dave Nelson: Oh, lord no. No. I mean, that wouldn't be fair. It's not her fault. I mean, I shouldn't make her the target of my, uh, y'know, my, my...
Catherine Duke: Pure evilness?
Dave Nelson: Yeah. I'm still-still getting the hang of it.
Catherine Duke: Yeah, well, don't you worry about it, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.
Dave Nelson: [smiles] Thanks.
Catherine Duke: Look, Dave, why don't you get up and get me a soda? Thank you.
Dave Nelson: [goes for it and then stops] No.
[acts defiant]
Catherine Duke: Ooo, Dave! That's a good start! Okay, go with it, go with it. C'mon more, more!
Dave Nelson: Get your own damn soda.
Catherine Duke: Yes, yes, yes! Alright, come on, come on.
Dave Nelson: [tries for a moment] That's really all I've got right now.

"NewsRadio: Super Karate Monkey Death Car (#4.4)" (1997)
Joe: I have a copy of the test.
Dave: Excellent. Now Dean Wormer can't put Delta House on probation.

Joe: It's a polygraph test.
Dave: Polygraph? You mean a lie detector?
Joe: Sure, if you want to sound like an idiot.

"NewsRadio: Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show (#4.8)" (1997)
Joe Garrelli: [hands Dave a plank] Dude, hold this.
[Dave takes the plank]
Lisa Miller: What is this, like judo?
Joe Garrelli: No, judo is for sissies. This is pure Garrelli.
[Joe hits the plank; it doesn't break]
Dave Nelson: Wanna try it again?
Joe Garrelli: Nope, that's it.
Lisa Miller: It didn't break.
Joe Garrelli: It's not supposed to break. My talent is hitting things real hard and not hurt my hand.

Dave Nelson: No offence, Joe, but that is not really a talent.
Joe Garrelli: That's big talk coming from a tap-dancing jelly maker who may or may not have been a high school thespian.

"NewsRadio: The Public Domain (#4.3)" (1997)
Dave Nelson: Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan?
Joe Garrelli: That's a secret.

Joe Garrelli: [as Beth takes down a photo of Matthew as employee of the month] This is so depressing.
Dave Nelson: I recall that's what you said when we put the picture up in the first place.

"NewsRadio: Big Day (#1.5)" (1995)
Bill: Joe, who's the black undercover dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?
Joe: Why, I believe that would be Shaft, Bill.
Bill: Mmm-hmm. And who's the cat who won't cop out when there is danger all about?
Joe: Once again Bill, you are referring to Shaft. You know, they say that Shaft is one bad mutha...
Matthew: Just shut up, you guys.
Jimmy: What're you guys doing?
Bill: Were just talking about Shaft.
Jimmy: I can dig it.

Joe: I have a message you can pass along to Mr. James.
Dave: What is it?
Joe: Did you know there's a switch that controls all the power to the station?
Dave: I did not know that. What about it?
Joe: Nothing. It just makes me giggle. You know what else?
Dave: What?
Joe: I'm the only one who knows where it is.
Dave: I'm new to these parts, but where I come from we call that a threat.
Joe: That's what we call it over here, too, Dave.

"NewsRadio: Clash of the Titans (#5.8)" (1998)
Jimmy: Here's my plan. I will get back my empire from Johnny... someway... somehow.
Dave: That's your plan?
Joe: Awesome plan, dude.
Jimmy: Thank you.
Matthew: I know a way to make it even awesomer. One, you get back the empire, and two, you take us all out for banana splits afterwards.

Johnny Johnson: What's on your mind?
Joe: This is not about what's on my mind. It's what's on my iron fists.
Johnny Johnson: So you're going to beat me out of this office, huh?
Joe: Yeah, and it's a shame, too, because in a different world, you and me could've hung out.
Johnny Johnson: [pulls out nunchucks] Is nunchucks okay?
Joe: [pulls out his own pair of nunchucks] See? I told you we could have hung out.

"NewsRadio: Rap (#3.12)" (1997)
Joe Garrelli: I thought you liked rap.
Bill McNeal: I did, but that was before I knew it had words.
Catherine Duke: Wait, you didn't know it had words? Well, why did you think they called rap?
Bill McNeal: I thought it was just because of the rhythm. You know, rap-rap, rappity-tap.

Joe Garrelli: There, it's fixed.
Bill McNeal: Well, how on earth did you do that?
Joe Garrelli: See that knob there? The one marked "Treble"? You had it turned all the way down. Should be able to hear all the words now.
Bill McNeal: There are words?

"NewsRadio: Mistake (#3.23)" (1997)
Dave: Joe, I didn't see you come in. How did you do that?
Joe: Old Green Beret trick.
Dave: You were a Green Beret?
Joe: No, I read a book called "Old Green Beret Tricks."

Matthew: I'm telling you, that guy is weirder than a $5 bill.
Joe: $3 bill.
Matthew: No, because he's two whole dollars weirder than that.

"NewsRadio: Wino (#5.16)" (1999)
Joe: If I catch you trying to take over Jimmy's business empire again, I'm gonna have to go Price Mart on you.
Johnny Johnson: Why's that?
Joe: Because when I open a can of whoop-ass, it's industrial size.

Dave: Can I have a word alone with Johhny?
Joe: Sure, but go easy on him. He seems to be very reformed.
Matthew: You mean he's Jewish?

"NewsRadio: Towers (#5.13)" (1999)
Joe Garrelli: Sir, the Sears Building is 110 stories. Is 200 even feasible?
Jimmy: I've got two words for you, Joe: Mon-ey, and lots of it.

Joe Garrelli: This is how it starts. These punks move in, start hassling old people, soon the streets are no longer yours.
Beth: Charles Bronson week on TNT?
Joe Garrelli: Every week is Charles Bronson week on TNT.

"NewsRadio: Led Zeppelin (#2.18)" (1996)
Joe Garrelli: Say, Dave. You know that personal document you're printing?
Dave Nelson: The one that is none of your business?
Joe Garrelli: Yes. It's actually printing out in that printer over there. The one that is hooked up to the network.
Dave Nelson: Thank you, Joe.
Joe Garrelli: No problem, dude.
[after a pause, Dave bolts to the printer]

Dave Nelson: I know it's a crummy story but someone has to do a piece on the Williamsburg Bridge renovation.
Lisa Miller: Give it to me, Dave. I'll take it.
Joe Garrelli: That's not the first time Dave's heard Lisa say that.
Dave Nelson: Give it a rest.
Bill: I'll bet that's not the first time Lisa's heard Dave say that.
Lisa Miller: Look you really don't want to get into this.
Catherine Duke: I bet Dave's never heard that one before.
Dave Nelson: Seriously, this is a very sensitive area.
Beth: Oh that's what she said.
Lisa Miller: Okay I'm telling them.
Bill: And I'll bet that's not... Actually that doesn't really work, does it?

"NewsRadio: Who's the Boss: Part 1 (#4.12)" (1998)
Joe Garrelli: [Can't work because of a strike] Do you know what holds this station together?
Beth: Gravity?
Joe Garrelli: No! The sweat of my brow, the grace of God, and thousands of miles of my home-made duct tape! I can feel this station falling apart around me, and I'm powerless to stop it.
Beth: Why don't you just fix things a little?
Joe Garrelli: I can't, I took an oath.
Matthew Brock: Joe, I just wanted you to know the coffee maker's broken.
Joe Garrelli: Damn you, Jimmy Hoffa!
Matthew Brock: No, actuallly, that was me.

Joe Garrelli: Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program.
Jimmy James: How much do they have now?
Joe Garrelli: None.
Jimmy James: So, I guess they just want some.
Joe Garrelli: Yeah.
Jimmy James: Will you fix my glasses?
Joe Garrelli: Sure.
Jimmy James: Nice doing business with you.

"NewsRadio: The Station Sale (#2.11)" (1996)
Joe: All I know is I'm not going to get fired.
Catherine: Why not?
Joe: Because of this.
[Joe holds up a small electrical component]
Beth: What's it do?
Joe: I don't know. But I took it out of the radio transmitter, and only I know where to put it back.
Dave: Are we still on the air?
Joe: Not in Jersey.

Joe: This is bogus! Completely bogus!
Dave: What exactly is so bogus about it?
Joe: I don't know, but there's something bogus in there somewhere.

"NewsRadio: Massage Chair (#3.3)" (1996)
[the rest of the staff meets to protest a policy of Dave's]
Lisa: Well, seeing as how Dave and I...
Joe: Do it?
Lisa: ...are romantically...
Joe: Doing it?
Lisa: ...sleeping together, I think this precludes me from taking part in any revolution.
Bill: Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington.
Lisa: You really need to stop getting your history from Gore Vidal.

Joe: You know a lot of girls really dig a guy who knows how to use a set of alligator clamps.
Beth: Who told you about that?

"NewsRadio: Stinkbutt (#5.11)" (1999)
Dave: Joe, why are you mixing paint? Shouldn't you be working?
Joe: You know art comes first for me.
Dave: I did not know that.
Joe: Art comes first for me, Dave.
Dave: I see. And where does your job come in.
Joe: Fourth.
Dave: Not second or third, eh?
Joe: Beth?
Beth: Art also comes second and third for Joe. He's very sensitive.

Dave: [after seeing the "Stinkbutt" mural Joe and Beth made] I thought art came first for you, Joe.
Joe: It usualy does. I don't know what happened, man.

"NewsRadio: Halloween (#3.5)" (1996)
Joe Garrelli: You're missing the whole point of Halloween.
Lisa: Which is?
Joe Garrelli: Which is sitting in the corner and making fun of all the dorks wearing costumes.

Matthew Brock: Last year I won the best costume contest, came in third place.
Dave: What did you go as?
Matthew Brock: Motorcycle enthusiast.
Joe Garrelli: Gay biker.
Matthew Brock: The label clearly said "motorcycle enthusiast."

"NewsRadio: The Real Deal (#3.22)" (1997)
Joe Garrelli: Have you even made out with a chick?
Matthew Brock: Lots of times. I've had some sex, just not final sex. I mean, I've gotten close.
Joe Garrelli: How close?
[Matthew puts his hands about two feet apart]
Joe Garrelli: I have no idea what that means.
[Positions his hands vertically]
Joe Garrelli: Oh, now I get it.

Joe Garrelli: Dude, there is only one way to deal with a woman like that.
Matthew Brock: What's that?
Joe Garrelli: You get down on your hands and knees and you beg her to have sex with you.
Beth: He's right. Men get on their hands and knees for me all the time, and I don't look like that.
Joe Garrelli: They have to get on their hands and knees just to look at you face to face.

"NewsRadio: Big Brother (#4.15)" (1998)
Bill McNeal: You don't recognize you own phone number?
Dave Nelson: He changes it every week.
Bill McNeal: Why do you do that?
Jimmy James: Security.
Joe Garrelli: Big Brother?
Jimmy James: My whole damn family, actually.

Dave Nelson: Could you please leave the paranoid conjecturing to Bill?
Joe Garrelli: That's not how I operate, dude.

"NewsRadio: Goofy Ball (#2.2)" (1995)
Bill McNeal: Are there any instructions?
Joe Garrelli: Yeah. Don't push that button unless you want to incapacitate someone for a full half hour.
Bill McNeal: Incapacitate?
Joe Garrelli: Yeah, it delivers three, four-hundred volts of electricity to the system at four amps. Instant temporary paralysis. I call it the Stalker Shocker.
Bill McNeal: Yes, I see you've written it here in Magic Marker.

Bill McNeal: Joe, this doesn't look like a stun gun.
Joe Garrelli: And this doesn't look like a megaphone, but watch this.
Joe Garrelli: [Speaks into device; works like megaphone] Red Sox suck!

"NewsRadio: Awards Show (#3.6)" (1996)
Beth: So what do you do, keep all your money in a shoebox under your bed?
Joe Garrelli: Like I'd tell you where I keep my shoebox.

Catherine Duke: For the last time, Joe. I am not cold.
Joe Garrelli: Yes you are, and thanks to that dress, everyone knows it.

"NewsRadio: The Trainer (#3.11)" (1996)
Bill McNeal: So Dave's Canadian. So what? Everyone here is from different places. Joe, where is your family from?
Joe Garrelli: Italy.
Bill McNeal: And Beth?
Beth: Ireland.
Bill McNeal: How about you, Catherine?
Catherine Duke: Africa.
Matthew Brock: Really, you're from Africa?
Bill McNeal: And Matthew, of course, is from Neptune. I, myself, am descended from the Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower from... Portugal, or somewhere.

Joe Garrelli: I can't believe Dave's Canadian. All those times we talked about hockey and he pretended not to know anything about it.

"NewsRadio: Wedding (#5.17)" (1999)
Joe: If you're interested, I know some caterers who do some very creative stuff.
Johnny Johnson: Like what?
Joe: I know this guy who does an elaborate salad tossing routine to the theme from Rocky.
Johnny Johnson: And the others?
Joe: That's it.

Jimmy: Seems Johnny didn't exactly buy the ring. Turns out he stole it.
Dave: So much for the legendary hobo gold.
Joe: It was a theory.

"NewsRadio: Twins (#3.18)" (1997)
Bill McNeal: What is a radio station? It is not a country club. It is a fighting unit, am I right?
[all agree]
Bill McNeal: And what do fighting men and women do in a crisis?
Joe Garrelli: They fight!
Bill McNeal: No, they give in, especially when the odds are hopelessly stacked against them.

Joe Garrelli: This is completely bogus; and you, sir, are completely bogus as well!

"NewsRadio: Rat Funeral (#2.3)" (1995)
[Dave hugs Joe from behind]
Joe Garrelli: Dave?
Dave: I'm here, Joe.
Joe Garrelli: The last guy to touch me like that got thrown through a plate-glass window.

Dave: Are you sure it's Mike?
Joe Garrelli: It's Mike, all right. Missing most of his tail, white with a racing stripe. Now he's got a really weird surprised look on his face.

"NewsRadio: Daydream (#3.7)" (1996)
Dave: Why don't you call a specialist?
Joe: I am a specialist.
Dave: At what?
Joe: At everything.

[Joe is daydreaming that he has turned everyone else into robots]
Matthew Brock: Say, when are you going to turn me into a robot?
Joe: Parts come this weekend.
Matthew Brock: Excelent. Thanks, master.

"NewsRadio: Copy Machine (#4.18)" (1998)
Lisa Miller: Joe, You did not kill Ted. It was just a freak accident.
Joe Garrelli: Matthew had nothing to do with it.

Joe Garrelli: That's it. I'm never working with my hands again.
Matthew Brock: What, are you going to use your feet then?

"NewsRadio: The Song Remains the Same (#2.14)" (1996)
Beth: What about this?
[holds up a small ticket]
Catherine: A ticket stub from "Hard to Kill"?
Beth: Yes! We both went through our Steven Seagal phases at the exact same time.
Joe: Steven Seagal? That fat fraud is a disgrace to the martial arts.
Beth: He knows that now, but back then we were just crazy kids.

"NewsRadio: Luncheon at the Waldorf (#1.6)" (1995)
Lisa: What happened?
Bill: Nothing.
Lisa: Well, then why was Beth on the verge of tears?
Bill: I don't know. Maybe it was Rush Limbaugh's keynote speech. Women, they'll cry at anything. Am I right, fellas?
Joe Garrelli: Don't look at me, dude.
Matthew Brock: Boo, Bill. Boo.

"NewsRadio: Beep, Beep (#4.16)" (1998)
Joe Garrelli: [at Matthew's birthday party] Why do we have to wear these stupid little hats?
Jimmy James: Because if I'm the only one wearing a hat, I look like a dork.
Joe Garrelli: Why do you have to wear a hat?
Jimmy James: [Ttkes off hat] All right.

"NewsRadio: Physical Graffiti (#2.17)" (1996)
Joe: You can't take something off the Internet. It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool.

"NewsRadio: Movie Star (#3.8)" (1996)
Joe Garrelli: Name three people who play basketball.
Beth: Okay, Michael Jordan, Rod... man, and... there was a guy who spit on a kid.
Joe Garrelli: You have to be more specific.
Beth: Was it a... loogie?

"NewsRadio: Who's the Boss: Part 2 (#4.13)" (1998)
Russ: I have a follow-up question.
Joe Garrelli: Dude, don't embarrass me.
Russ: This one's also for the girl. What is your stand on my brother being a total wuss?

"NewsRadio: Led Zeppelin Boxed Set (#3.13)" (1997)
Matthew: Are you coming, Joe?
Joe Garrelli: What's the book?
Matthew: Moby Dick.
Joe Garrelli: Read it.
Matthew: Good, then you can discuss it.
Joe Garrelli: The only reason to discuss a book is to prove that you've read it, and I read it. The whale eats Gregory Peck, end of discussion.

"NewsRadio: Jumper (#4.1)" (1997)
Joe Garrelli: Don't ask me to explain, but was anyone here a Boy Scout?
[Everyone looks at Dave]

"NewsRadio: Flowers for Matthew (#5.5)" (1998)
Dave Nelson: Joe, what did I tell you about experimenting on Matthew?
Joe Garrelli: Come on, it's not like I'm testing cosmetics on him.
Dave Nelson: Not any more.

"NewsRadio: Friends (#2.6)" (1995)
Matthew Brock: So you told them that it was company policy not to date employees?
Dave: That's right.
Joe Garrelli: Wait a minute, what about you and Lisa?
Dave: This policy only applies to Matthew.
Joe Garrelli: That makes no sense at all!
Matthew Brock: Yeah, it does. You'd be surprised how many company policies apply only to me.

"NewsRadio: Sinking Ship (#4.22)" (1998)
Joe Garrelli: The hull alone is made of over 200 miles of duct tape.
Jimmy James: I thought we were going with steel for the hull?
Joe Garrelli: Steel isn't waterproof.

"NewsRadio: In Through the Out Door (#2.13)" (1996)
Lisa: [Dave has locked his office door] He never locks the door. What is he doing in there?
Joe Garrelli: Maybe he's doing it with Lisa... Sorry. Force of habit.

"NewsRadio: Assistant (#5.15)" (1999)
Beth: What kind of name is Foxy?
Foxy Jackson: Uhh, excuse me is there a Lisa Miller here?
Joe: Obviously a case of truth in advertising. Hi, I'm Lisa Miller.

"NewsRadio: 4:20 (#4.20)" (1998)
[Joe is going to participate in Ultimate Fighting]
Dave: Have you ever done this before, Joe?
Joe Garrelli: No, but I've seen it in pay-per-view. I never paid for it...

"NewsRadio: The Secret of Management (#4.9)" (1998)
Beth: Say, Bill, where's your manly man?
Joe: Gentlemen's gentlemen.
Bill: Cadbury's gone.
Joe: If I was that dude, I would have quit a long time ago.
Bill: Oh, he didn't quit.
Beth: You fired him already?
Bill: No. Cadbury got up early this morning and left, and stole my wallet, my credit cards, my TV, my stereo, by fridge and most of my furniture.
Beth: Did you call the police?
Bill: Yes, and I explained the whole story.
Joe: What did they say?
Bill: I believe their exact words were, "what kind of jackass hires a discount butler from a classified ad in the local Pennysaver?" Then I became verbally abusive and they hung up on me.

"NewsRadio: Catherine Moves On (#4.7)" (1997)
Joe: Sexual harrassment is no joke, sweet cans.

"NewsRadio: Security Door (#4.14)" (1998)
Joe Garrelli: Nothing's been stolen from my desk.
Dave Nelson: You don't have a desk.
Joe Garrelli: Not that you know of.

"NewsRadio: Ploy (#5.18)" (1999)
Lisa: Mr. James, tell Joe he can't copyright my name.
Jimmy: You can't copyright any employee's name.
Lisa: See?
Jimmy: Because I own the copyrights to all your names.
Matthew, Joe Garrelli: What?
Jimmy: When are you people going to start reading your contracts?

"NewsRadio: New Hampshire (#5.22)" (1999)
Joe Garrelli: You can't let Mr. James take away Matthew. He's not his little puppet for his amusement. He has a very important role here.
Dave Nelson: As what?
Joe Garrelli: The little puppet that amuses me.

"NewsRadio: Xmas Story (#2.10)" (1995)
Joe: Dave, why don't you just ask Mr. James to buy him a car, too?
Dave: No. No, I can't.
Lisa: Why not?
Dave: Look, I'm no etiquette expert, but I think when someone is generous enough to give you six sports cars, it's in bad form to ask for a seventh.

"NewsRadio: Sleeping (#3.21)" (1997)
Joe Garrelli: How do you feel?
Jimmy James: How do I feel? I feel like crap! How do you think I feel?
Joe Garrelli: What was it like?
Jimmy James: Well, I was in a dark corridor, and there was a bright light at the end, and as I was walking towards the bright light I hear Dave and Lisa arguing. "I want a baby." "When?" "Right now." And on and on and on. I listened for a second, and then I started *running* towards the bright light. But then I heard music. Slow Ride, you know, from Foghat? And I decided, if only I could hear that one more time, and so I came back.
[Bill plays Slow Ride]
Jimmy James: Yeah, that's the one. All right, I heard it. My work is done.
[Slumps down]
Matthew Brock: Doctor! Doctor!
Jimmy James: Gotcha!

"NewsRadio: The Breakup (#2.4)" (1995)
Joe Garrelli: Look, we don't really care what you two do.
Catherine Duke: We have our own lives.
Bill McNeal: Today was just a chance for us to...
Matthew Brock: Shake out the sillies.
Bill McNeal: Please don't finish my sentences.

"NewsRadio: Office Feud (#3.19)" (1997)
Beth: Tell them that there is a spunky redhead down here.
Joe Garrelli: I don't know how to tell you this, but there's a spunky redhead in every office.
Beth: Tell me about it.
Bill McNeal: [looks at a picture on Dave's desk] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something.
Dave Nelson: Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom.
Bill McNeal: Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.

"NewsRadio: Spooky Rapping Crypt (#5.10)" (1998)
Joe: [after listening to Matthew's story of being ritually abused by Lisa] It sounds like you went through quite an ordeal.
Matthew: Yeah...
Joe: It also sounds an awful lot like last year's office Halloween party!
Matthew: Nice try, we didn't have a Halloween party last year.
Joe: Yes we did. You had too much of Max's Spookadelic punch and you made out with that girl from accounting who smells like garbage.
Matthew: No, I did not.
Joe: And then you passed out right there.
Matthew: Nah, I would have remembered that.

"NewsRadio: French Diplomacy (#4.5)" (1997)
Joe Garrelli: Beth, when you're done...
Beth: Don't speak! We're being watched.
Joe Garrelli: I know.
Beth: You know?
Joe Garrelli: Absolutely. We're just like rats in a habitrail to them. They are conducting incredible experiments our puny little minds can't even begin to comprehend.
Beth: I'm not talking aliens, Joe.
Joe Garrelli: People are watching us? You're paranoid.

"NewsRadio: Inappropriate (#1.2)" (1995)
Jimmy James: Boy, I love a good party. Do you love a good party, Joe?
Joe Garrelli: It's why I went to college, sir. It's also why I didn't graduate.
Jimmy James: Yeah, me neither. So what? Hasn't stopped me from building a million-dollar empire, and it didn't stop you from becoming a... what do you do again?
Joe Garrelli: I'm an electrician.
Jimmy James: Well, things were different in my day.