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: Made something for you, dude. Dave
: What is it, a time machine? Joe Garrelli
: Do you see a steering wheel on this thing?
: It's a white noise machine. Some electronic noise to help you relax. Dave
: Aren't those things supposed to be smaller? Joe Garrelli
: Welcome to the big leagues, Dave, 'cause those little babies only have three settings at the most. Dave
: Uh-huh? And this one? Joe Garrelli
: In this date in 1777, there was a lull in fighting at Valley Forge. Why don't we take the opportunity to make a person-to-person call to General George Washington on the Max Louis history phone.
] Max Lewis
: Hello? Is this the father of our country? Joe Garrelli
: Yeah. Max Lewis
: Mr. Washington, I understand your rag tag band of revolutionaries is having a rough time. Joe Garrelli
: Sucks, dude. Max Lewis
: What is your stategy for dealing with the waves of incoming British troops? Joe Garrelli
: The only strategy I know: a straight-up, street-smart, all-American ass kicking! Max Lewis
: You've heard it first, you've heard it live, on Max Lewis's This Day in History!
: What the hell is this? Jimmy
: I put it on your desk for you. It's one of those executive stress relievers. It looks like a little alien. Joe Garrelli
: No it doesn't. Beth
: See, whenever you feel stressed, you squeeze it like this. Matthew Brock
: David, I'm going to adopt six cats for you.
[Dave squeezes the stress reliever so hard, it explodes
: Thanks, that really did the trick.
: This time just keep it simple, get in and get out. Joe Garrelli
] Get in, get out! Got it! Lisa Miller
: Joe, you don't have to yell. Max Lewis
: Take off your earplugs! Joe Garrelli
: I'm not wearing them, I'm just pumped!
: Seven times. I flunked this test seven times, you know. I mean, I don't want to say 'conspiracy,' but... Lisa
: Well actually, I am starting to see a pattern here." Joe
: Ah. Uh huh. Uh huh. Lisa
: One of last year's questions was: 'In the following circuit, the potential is blank volts.' And you answered: 'I refuse to answer the question on the grounds that the design of this circuit is totally sucky.' Joe
: Yeah. I don't know how that dumb bastard ever got to be a professor. Lisa
: Oh. Well you know, that would explain why you answered the next question: 'If you want to build a thermostat that won't be affected by humidity, try this you dumb bastard.'
: I am not a mindless drone. Mindless drones should not be allowed to use technology. Lisa
: You are the Unabomber, aren't you?
: As you know, I have been trying to find something to do together. Bill
: We already have something to do together. It's called work. Matthew Brock
: The softball team didn't work for whatever reason. Joe
: Maybe that's because to play softball you need a bat. Matthew Brock
: I know that now. Joe
: And a ball. Matthew Brock
: Whatever! Lisa
: If you're going to get us all Knicks tickets like last year, at least buy them all in advance. Matthew Brock
: I said whatever! Who knew New York was such a big sports town?
: I did get an 800 on my math SATs. Joe
: Is 800 the score or the number of times you brag about your score?
: I never asked for help before in my life. I mean, I never thought I'd have to ask help from a chick. Don't get me wrong, I have asked chicks for *help*... Lisa
: Joe, that's not help, that's charity.
: Wait a minute, sir. Haven't you heard the phrase, "The man who represents himself has a fool for a client"? Jimmy James
: All right, then who do you suggest? Joe Garrelli
: Me. Jimmy James
: All right!
: Is this your counsul? Joe Garrelli
: Yes, your honor. The Master Builder waits at the pyramids. Judge
: I beg your pardon? Joe Garrelli
: I bet you do.
: Mr. Lindsey, is this your skull? George Lindsey
: [Inspects skull carefully
] No. Joe Garrelli
: No further questions, Your Honor. Judge
: Mr. Lindsey, you are dismissed. George Lindsey
: That's it?
: Mr. James's case is in the bag, because I know something the other side doesn't. Dave Nelson
: What's that? Joe Garrelli
: That all federal judges are members of an obscure sect of the Freemasons. Jimmy James
: Wait a minute. You're telling me that our entire case is based on all judges being Masons? Joe Garrelli
: There' more to it than that. There is a secret word that, when uttered, forces the judge to rule in your favor, then go to a secret location to paddle themselves in a secret ceremony. Dave Nelson
: What is it? Joe Garrelli
: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Dave Nelson
: All right, but it better be good.
: [Presenting Joe the box of "movie memorabilia" he bought
] Check this out. Joe Garrelli
: A Clark bar? Jimmy James
: No, *the* Clark bar, from Looking for Mr. Clarkbar. Joe Garrelli
: Sir, have you ever even been to a movie? Jimmy James
: What about this?
[Pulls out a stuffed beaver
] Jimmy James
: Basic Instinct. Joe Garrelli
: That's not the right one.
: [By radio
] What is it? Joe
: An official complaint box. Jimmy
: What's it look like? Joe
: Kinda like a box. Jimmy
: I like it. Dave
: Well, who wouldn't after that beautiful word picture?
[Catherine is recording on a recorder Joe made himself
: Hold it. I'm hearing some background noise. Catherine Duke
: I don't hear anything. Joe
: It's like a clicking noise. Take off your bracelets, that might help.
: Now take off your rings.
: Now your blouse.
[Catherine hits Joe upside the head
: Now I'm hearing a clicking and ringing noise.
: Joe, this clicking noise. Could it possibly be from a piece of plastic hitting another piece of plastic? Joe
: Yeah, but like a clicky plastic. Catherine Duke
: Like plastic clicking on, say, a cheap, slapped-together reel-to-reel? Joe
: Could be. Could be. Catherine Duke
: Like - oh, I don't know - a label that says Garreli 5000 on it? Joe
: Huh. The Garrelli 4000 had the exact same defect.
: I see you have stormed the dean's office. What are your demands? Joe
: [to Jimmy
] College humor, sir. Jimmy
: I never went to college. Joe
: Me neither, sir. Jimmy
: Right on, brother!
: [Matthew is holding a spear gun
] Dude, what are you doing? Matthew
: What? What? Joe Garrelli
: That's a loaded spear gun! Matthew
: I know. I'm not a complete idiot.
[Spear gun goes off, hits photo on wall
: Oh my God! Maybe I am a complete idiot.
: Mr. James' job is not as easy as I thought. I'm having a little computer trouble. Joe Garrelli
: What kind of trouble? Matthew
: Can't turn it on.
: Joe, we don't need a science reporter. Joe Garrelli
: Dude, I'm offering my services for free. Dave Nelson
: Yeah, but just so that you can beam your messages to space. Joe Garrelli
: Lucky guess.
: Joe, you do not know hypnotism. Joe Garrelli
: Sure I do. Watch this. Chicken.
[Matthew clucks like a chicken
] Joe Garrelli
: Human. Matthew Brock
: What up? Jimmy James
: That's very impressive. Joe Garrelli
: Thank you. Dave Nelson
: No, Joe just told him to do that. Joe Garrelli
: Dave, with Matthew, telling him to do something is hypnotism.
: Joe, Mr. James is a human being, not your personal plaything. Joe Garrelli
: We'll just keep that our little secret.
: Look, Mr.James! Over there! It's Vietnam! Jimmy James
: Joe, Matthew is making me see Vietnam in the foyer! Joe Garrelli
: What? Matthew, Vietnam is not in the foyer. Matthew Brock
: I just calls it like I sees them. Joe Garrelli
: Mr. James, that is not Vietnam. Jimmy James
: Then what is it? Joe Garrelli
: It's a magical candy land with gumdrop mountains. Jimmy James
: Oh, yeah. Thanks, Joe.
: Did Thomas Edison give up? Bill
: Thomas Edison wasn't trying to invent something that was readily available in a wide variety of stores near his home.
: I never touch any of that mass-produced crap. Dave
: Well, that's very neo-Luddite of you. Joe
: Well, that's very neo-unnecessary-big-word of you.
: Hey, Lisa, tell us the truth. Dave buys his suits at the little boys' department, doesn't he?
: What's the charity? Jimmy
: A $500 dinner for orphans. Beth
: What kind of cruel charity charges orphans $500 to eat dinner? Jimmy
: No, the money goes to the orphans. Joe
: Sure it does.
[Beth is practicing to be a duchess
: By the by, where do you winter? Beth
: Oh, me and my ladies in waiting stay at the presidential suite at Disneyland. It's really quite loverly. Joe
: Wrong! Rich people don't go to Disneyland. Beth
: They don't? Joe
: No, they go to Disney World.
: I am about to do something that will fundamentally change my life. I... Beth
: You're getting a liver transplant! You're donating your liver to someone! Dave
: You can't do that. Joe
: Yeah, that's what they want you to think.
: [Joe is taking down the Christmas decorations
] Joe, what are you doing? Joe Garrelli
: You know how depressing it is when you come back from Christmas break and the decorations are still up? Dave Nelson
: Yeah? Joe Garrelli
: Preemptive strike, Dave.
: Lisa, you're standing under mistletoe. Lisa Miller
: All right, but no tongue.
[Joe takes down the mistletoe and leaves
] Lisa Miller
: All right, with tongue.
] Lisa Miller
: Not you!
: There, I took down all the Christmas decorations and threw away the Christmas tree. Dave Nelson
: Great, Joe. Now you can fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.
: You there! Who are you? Joe Garrelli
: Joe, the electrician. Max Lewis
: I don't have time for names! Tell me about the news! Joe Garrelli
: You mean the crap they pass off as news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to know? Max Lewis
: You are no help to me and obviously drunk!
: Joe, how long are you going to be in my computer? I need to work. Joe Garrelli
: You don't work, you just play computer solitaire. Matthew Brock
: Well, one man's solitaire is another man's bread and butter.
: Joe, Jesus was not born 2000 years ago today. Joe Garrelli
: Yeah? Well, I have a birth certificate that proves otherwise.
: I'll have my man break him down Baretta-style. Joe
: Baretta-style interrogation will cost you $15. Matthew
: What can I get for $5? Joe
: Starsky interrogation. Matthew
: What about Hutch? Joe
: I'll give you both for $7.50. Matthew
: Too rich for my blood.
: Hey Joe, any luck? Joe
: No. And I talked to the guards downstairs in the lobby and he hasn't passed through, so he's still in the building. Dave
: That's so ODD. Matthew
: No, Dave, it isn't odd, it is reality, and you'd better buckle your seatbelt, because reality SUCKS! Dave
: Ever been bitch-slapped?
: My sources tell me that there is no sign of a Max Louis working on any of those stations. Dave
: And by sources, I assume that means other electricians? Joe
: We're everywhere, Dave. But don't worry. We like you.
[Joe can't fix Lisa's chair
: Why don't you just ask Dave for a new chair? Lisa
: I don't know, Dave has been real uptight about the budget. Joe
] Well I'm sure he could make an exception for you. Lisa
: What is that supposed to mean? Joe
: You know, whenever you need something, all you have to do is go in there and ask your sugar daddy. Lisa
: My sugar daddy? Joe
: Sweetpapa, whatever. Catherine
: Lisa, while you're in there shakin' your stuff, I need a new stapler. Lisa
: I have never been the person who shakes her stuff. Catherine
: OK, so you're a little light in the stuff department. Lisa
: Why does everyone think I'm some sort of office supply whore? Bill
: Lisa, I need some thumb tacks. Dave doesn't seem to respond to my back rubs. Lisa
: You know, I really resent this. I try and keep a professional relationship with Dave while in the office. Bill
: That's right, just lie back...
: [Dave knocks out the lights by accident with his sword
] Dave. Dave
: Yes? Lisa
: I need a new chair. Joe
: [in a faux feminine voice
] Woo-ooo. The lights go out and the love talk starts. Catherine
: I wish I had a sweet papa like that. Dave
: Listen, everyone: there, there's absolutely no favoritism at play here, alright? Lisa
: Dave, shut up. Dave
: I am on your side. Lisa
: I know. I just don't think that the time to bring it up is to wave a huge sword around in a dark room. Catherine
: Mmm mm mm mm mm.
: I know what you're going to say... Catherine Duke
: What? I was just going to say how could you ever leave a woman who makes such exquisite cakes?
[gives Dave a bite of cake
] Dave Nelson
: Say, that is good. Is that lemon zest? Joe Garrelli
: You know it.
: Okay, I'm not fine. I'm not fine. Catherine Duke
: Ya sure? Because you seem fine. Dave Nelson
: Well, you know, the old Dave-the old Dave would be fine. The well-meaning, even-tempered, easy-going Dave he'd-he'd be fine with his. But I'm not fine. And you know what? That Dave, that Dave, unfortunately, today is dead. Catherine Duke
] No, he's not. Dave Nelson
: Oh, yes he is. Hear me well, as of today, a new Dave is born. A Dave who, for lack of a better phrase, is... pure evil. Catherine Duke
: Pure evil? Dave Nelson
: Pure. Evil. Joe Garrelli
] Hey, Dave, can I borrow five bucks? Dave Nelson
: Sure, Joe, my wallet's in my desk.
] Dave Nelson
: Where was I? Catherine Duke
: Um, pure evil. Dave Nelson
: Pure. Evil. And by embodying pure evil, as I now do, in one short week, I will have my old job rightfully rebestowed upon me. Catherine Duke
: You're gonna get Lisa fired? Dave Nelson
: Oh, lord no. No. I mean, that wouldn't be fair. It's not her fault. I mean, I shouldn't make her the target of my, uh, y'know, my, my... Catherine Duke
: Pure evilness? Dave Nelson
: Yeah. I'm still-still getting the hang of it. Catherine Duke
: Yeah, well, don't you worry about it, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. Dave Nelson
] Thanks. Catherine Duke
: Look, Dave, why don't you get up and get me a soda? Thank you. Dave Nelson
: [goes for it and then stops
] Catherine Duke
: Ooo, Dave! That's a good start! Okay, go with it, go with it. C'mon more, more! Dave Nelson
: Get your own damn soda. Catherine Duke
: Yes, yes, yes! Alright, come on, come on. Dave Nelson
: [tries for a moment
] That's really all I've got right now.
: I have a copy of the test. Dave
: Excellent. Now Dean Wormer can't put Delta House on probation.
: It's a polygraph test. Dave
: Polygraph? You mean a lie detector? Joe
: Sure, if you want to sound like an idiot.
: [hands Dave a plank
] Dude, hold this.
[Dave takes the plank
] Lisa Miller
: What is this, like judo? Joe Garrelli
: No, judo is for sissies. This is pure Garrelli.
[Joe hits the plank; it doesn't break
] Dave Nelson
: Wanna try it again? Joe Garrelli
: Nope, that's it. Lisa Miller
: It didn't break. Joe Garrelli
: It's not supposed to break. My talent is hitting things real hard and not hurt my hand.
: No offence, Joe, but that is not really a talent. Joe Garrelli
: That's big talk coming from a tap-dancing jelly maker who may or may not have been a high school thespian.
: Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan? Joe Garrelli
: That's a secret.
: [as Beth takes down a photo of Matthew as employee of the month
] This is so depressing. Dave Nelson
: I recall that's what you said when we put the picture up in the first place.
: Joe, who's the black undercover dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Joe
: Why, I believe that would be Shaft, Bill. Bill
: Mmm-hmm. And who's the cat who won't cop out when there is danger all about? Joe
: Once again Bill, you are referring to Shaft. You know, they say that Shaft is one bad mutha... Matthew
: Just shut up, you guys. Jimmy
: What're you guys doing? Bill
: Were just talking about Shaft. Jimmy
: I can dig it.
: I have a message you can pass along to Mr. James. Dave
: What is it? Joe
: Did you know there's a switch that controls all the power to the station? Dave
: I did not know that. What about it? Joe
: Nothing. It just makes me giggle. You know what else? Dave
: What? Joe
: I'm the only one who knows where it is. Dave
: I'm new to these parts, but where I come from we call that a threat. Joe
: That's what we call it over here, too, Dave.
: Here's my plan. I will get back my empire from Johnny... someway... somehow. Dave
: That's your plan? Joe
: Awesome plan, dude. Jimmy
: Thank you. Matthew
: I know a way to make it even awesomer. One, you get back the empire, and two, you take us all out for banana splits afterwards.
: What's on your mind? Joe
: This is not about what's on my mind. It's what's on my iron fists. Johnny Johnson
: So you're going to beat me out of this office, huh? Joe
: Yeah, and it's a shame, too, because in a different world, you and me could've hung out. Johnny Johnson
: [pulls out nunchucks
] Is nunchucks okay? Joe
: [pulls out his own pair of nunchucks
] See? I told you we could have hung out.
: I thought you liked rap music. Bill McNeal
: I did, but that was before I realized it had words. Catherine Duke
: Wait a minute, you didn't know rap had words? Why did you think it was called rap? Bill McNeal
: I thought it was because of the rhythm. You know, rap-rap, rappity-tap.
: There, it's fixed. Bill McNeal
: How on earth did you do it? Joe Garrelli
: See that knob, the knob marked "Treble"? It was turned all the way down. You can hear all the words now. Bill McNeal
: There are words?
: Joe, I didn't see you come in. How did you do that? Joe
: Old Green Beret trick. Dave
: You were a Green Beret? Joe
: No, I read a book called "Old Green Beret Tricks."
: I'm telling you, that guy is weirder than a $5 bill. Joe
: $3 bill. Matthew
: No, because he's two whole dollars weirder than that.
: If I catch you trying to take over Jimmy's business empire again, I'm gonna have to go Price Mart on you. Johnny Johnson
: Why's that? Joe
: Because when I open a can of whoop-ass, it's industrial size.
: Can I have a word alone with Johhny? Joe
: Sure, but go easy on him. He seems to be very reformed. Matthew
: You mean he's Jewish?
: Sir, the Sears Building is 110 stories. Is 200 even feasible? Jimmy
: I've got two words for you, Joe: Mon-ey, and lots of it.
: This is how it starts. These punks move in, start hassling old people, soon the streets are no longer yours. Beth
: Charles Bronson week on TNT? Joe Garrelli
: Every week is Charles Bronson week on TNT.
: Say, Dave. You know that personal document you're printing? Dave Nelson
: The one that is none of your business? Joe Garrelli
: Yes. It's actually printing out in that printer over there. The one that is hooked up to the network. Dave Nelson
: Thank you, Joe. Joe Garrelli
: No problem, dude.
[after a pause, Dave bolts to the printer
: I know it's a crummy story but someone has to do a piece on the Williamsburg Bridge renovation. Lisa Miller
: Give it to me, Dave. I'll take it. Joe Garrelli
: That's not the first time Dave's heard Lisa say that. Dave Nelson
: Give it a rest. Bill
: I'll bet that's not the first time Lisa's heard Dave say that. Lisa Miller
: Look you really don't want to get into this. Catherine Duke
: I bet Dave's never heard that one before. Dave Nelson
: Seriously, this is a very sensitive area. Beth
: Oh that's what she said. Lisa Miller
: Okay I'm telling them. Bill
: And I'll bet that's not... Actually that doesn't really work, does it?
: [Can't work because of a strike
] Do you know what holds this station together? Beth
: Gravity? Joe Garrelli
: No! The sweat of my brow, the grace of God, and thousands of miles of my home-made duct tape! I can feel this station falling apart around me, and I'm powerless to stop it. Beth
: Why don't you just fix things a little? Joe Garrelli
: I can't, I took an oath. Matthew Brock
: Joe, I just wanted you to know the coffee maker's broken. Joe Garrelli
: Damn you, Jimmy Hoffa! Matthew Brock
: No, actuallly, that was me.
: Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program. Jimmy James
: How much do they have now? Joe Garrelli
: None. Jimmy James
: So, I guess they just want some. Joe Garrelli
: Yeah. Jimmy James
: Will you fix my glasses? Joe Garrelli
: Sure. Jimmy James
: Nice doing business with you.
: All I know is I'm not going to get fired. Catherine
: Why not? Joe
: Because of this.
[Joe holds up a small electrical component
: What's it do? Joe
: I don't know. But I took it out of the radio transmitter, and only I know where to put it back. Dave
: Are we still on the air? Joe
: Not in Jersey.
: This is bogus! Completely bogus! Dave
: What exactly is so bogus about it? Joe
: I don't know, but there's something bogus in there somewhere.
[the rest of the staff meets to protest a policy of Dave's
: Well, seeing as how Dave and I... Joe
: Do it? Lisa
: ...are romantically... Joe
: Doing it? Lisa
: ...sleeping together, I think this precludes me from taking part in any revolution. Bill
: Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington. Lisa
: You really need to stop getting your history from Gore Vidal.
: You know a lot of girls really dig a guy who knows how to use a set of alligator clamps. Beth
: Who told you about that?
: Joe, why are you mixing paint? Shouldn't you be working? Joe
: You know art comes first for me. Dave
: I did not know that. Joe
: Art comes first for me, Dave. Dave
: I see. And where does your job come in. Joe
: Fourth. Dave
: Not second or third, eh? Joe
: Beth? Beth
: Art also comes second and third for Joe. He's very sensitive.
: [after seeing the "Stinkbutt" mural Joe and Beth made
] I thought art came first for you, Joe. Joe
: It usualy does. I don't know what happened, man.
: You're missing the whole point of Halloween. Lisa
: Which is? Joe Garrelli
: Which is sitting in the corner and making fun of all the dorks wearing costumes.
: Last year I won the best costume contest, came in third place. Dave
: What did you go as? Matthew Brock
: Motorcycle enthusiast. Joe Garrelli
: Gay biker. Matthew Brock
: The label clearly said "motorcycle enthusiast."
: Have you even made out with a chick? Matthew Brock
: Lots of times. I've had some sex, just not final sex. I mean, I've gotten close. Joe Garrelli
: How close?
[Matthew puts his hands about two feet apart
] Joe Garrelli
: I have no idea what that means.
[Positions his hands vertically
] Joe Garrelli
: Oh, now I get it.
: Dude, there is only one way to deal with a woman like that. Matthew Brock
: What's that? Joe Garrelli
: You get down on your hands and knees and you beg her to have sex with you. Beth
: He's right. Men get on their hands and knees for me all the time, and I don't look like that. Joe Garrelli
: They have to get on their hands and knees just to look at you face to face.
: You don't recognize you own phone number? Dave Nelson
: He changes it every week. Bill McNeal
: Why do you do that? Jimmy James
: Security. Joe Garrelli
: Big Brother? Jimmy James
: My whole damn family, actually.
: Could you please leave the paranoid conjecturing to Bill? Joe Garrelli
: That's not how I operate, dude.
: Are there any instructions? Joe Garrelli
: Yeah. Don't push that button unless you want to incapacitate someone for a full half hour. Bill McNeal
: Incapacitate? Joe Garrelli
: Yeah, it delivers three, four-hundred volts of electricity to the system at four amps. Instant temporary paralysis. I call it the Stalker Shocker. Bill McNeal
: Yes, I see you've written it here in Magic Marker.
: Joe, this doesn't look like a stun gun. Joe Garrelli
: And this doesn't look like a megaphone, but watch this. Joe Garrelli
: [Speaks into device; works like megaphone
] Red Sox suck!
: So what do you do, keep all your money in a shoebox under your bed? Joe Garrelli
: Like I'd tell you where I keep my shoebox.
: For the last time, Joe. I am not cold. Joe Garrelli
: Yes you are, and thanks to that dress, everyone knows it.
: So Dave's Canadian. So what? Everyone here is from different places. Joe, where is your family from? Joe Garrelli
: Italy. Bill McNeal
: And Beth? Beth
: Ireland. Bill McNeal
: How about you, Catherine? Catherine Duke
: Africa. Matthew Brock
: Really, you're from Africa? Bill McNeal
: And Matthew, of course, is from Neptune. I, myself, am descended from the Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower from... Portugal, or somewhere.
: I can't believe Dave's Canadian. All those times we talked about hockey and he pretended not to know anything about it.
: If you're interested, I know some caterers who do some very creative stuff. Johnny Johnson
: Like what? Joe
: I know this guy who does an elaborate salad tossing routine to the theme from Rocky. Johnny Johnson
: And the others? Joe
: That's it.
: Seems Johnny didn't exactly buy the ring. Turns out he stole it. Dave
: So much for the legendary hobo gold. Joe
: It was a theory.
: What is a radio station? It is not a country club. It is a fighting unit, am I right?
] Bill McNeal
: And what do fighting men and women do in a crisis? Joe Garrelli
: They fight! Bill McNeal
: No, they give in, especially when the odds are hopelessly stacked against them.
: This is completely bogus; and you, sir, are completely bogus as well!
[Dave hugs Joe from behind
] Joe Garrelli
: Dave? Dave
: I'm here, Joe. Joe Garrelli
: The last guy who touched me like that got thrown through a plate-glass window.
: Are you sure it's Mike? Joe Garrelli
: It's Mike, all right. Most of his tail missing, white racing stripe, except now he's got a really surprised look on his face.
: Why don't you call a specialist? Joe
: I am a specialist. Dave
: At what? Joe
: At everything.
[Joe is daydreaming that he has turned everyone else into robots
] Matthew Brock
: Say, when are you going to turn me into a robot? Joe
: Parts come this weekend. Matthew Brock
: Excelent. Thanks, master.
: Joe, You did not kill Ted. It was just a freak accident. Joe Garrelli
: Matthew had nothing to do with it.
: That's it. I'm never working with my hands again. Matthew Brock
: What, are you going to use your feet then?
: What about this?
[holds up a small ticket
: A ticket stub from "Hard to Kill"? Beth
: Yes! We both went through our Steven Seagal phases at the exact same time. Joe
: Steven Seagal? That fat fraud is a disgrace to the martial arts. Beth
: He knows that now, but back then we were just crazy kids.
: What happened? Bill
: Nothing. Lisa
: Well, then why was Beth on the verge of tears? Bill
: I don't know. Maybe it was Rush Limbaugh's keynote speech. Women, they'll cry at anything. Am I right, fellas? Joe Garrelli
: Don't look at me, dude. Matthew Brock
: Boo, Bill. Boo.
: [at Matthew's birthday party
] Why do we have to wear these stupid little hats? Jimmy James
: Because if I'm the only one wearing a hat, I look like a dork. Joe Garrelli
: Why do you have to wear a hat? Jimmy James
: [Ttkes off hat
] All right.
: You can't take something off the Internet. It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool.
: Name three people who play basketball. Beth
: Okay, Michael Jordan, Rod... man, and... there was a guy who spit on a kid. Joe Garrelli
: You have to be more specific. Beth
: Was it a... loogie?
: I have a follow-up question. Joe Garrelli
: Dude, don't embarrass me. Russ
: This one's also for the girl. What is your stand on my brother being a total wuss?
: Are you coming, Joe? Joe Garrelli
: What's the book? Matthew
: Moby Dick. Joe Garrelli
: Read it. Matthew
: Good, then you can discuss it. Joe Garrelli
: The only reason to discuss a book is to prove that you've read it, and I read it. The whale eats Gregory Peck, end of discussion.
: Don't ask me to explain, but was anyone here a Boy Scout?
[Everyone looks at Dave
: Joe, what did I tell you about experimenting on Matthew? Joe Garrelli
: Come on, it's not like I'm testing cosmetics on him. Dave Nelson
: Not any more.
: So you told them that it was company policy not to date employees? Dave
: That's right. Joe Garrelli
: Wait a minute, what about you and Lisa? Dave
: This policy only applies to Matthew. Joe Garrelli
: That makes no sense at all! Matthew Brock
: Yeah, it does. You'd be surprised how many company policies apply only to me.
: The hull alone is made of over 200 miles of duct tape. Jimmy James
: I thought we were going with steel for the hull? Joe Garrelli
: Steel isn't waterproof.
: [Dave has locked his office door
] He never locks the door. What is he doing in there? Joe Garrelli
: Maybe he's doing it with Lisa... Sorry. Force of habit.
: What kind of name is Foxy? Foxy Jackson
: Uhh, excuse me is there a Lisa Miller here? Joe
: Obviously a case of truth in advertising. Hi, I'm Lisa Miller.
[Joe is going to participate in Ultimate Fighting
: Have you ever done this before, Joe? Joe Garrelli
: No, but I've seen it in pay-per-view. I never paid for it...
: Say, Bill, where's your manly man? Joe
: Gentlemen's gentlemen. Bill
: Cadbury's gone. Joe
: If I was that dude, I would have quit a long time ago. Bill
: Oh, he didn't quit. Beth
: You fired him already? Bill
: No. Cadbury got up early this morning and left, and stole my wallet, my credit cards, my TV, my stereo, by fridge and most of my furniture. Beth
: Did you call the police? Bill
: Yes, and I explained the whole story. Joe
: What did they say? Bill
: I believe their exact words were, "what kind of jackass hires a discount butler from a classified ad in the local Pennysaver?" Then I became verbally abusive and they hung up on me.
: Sexual harrassment is no joke, sweet cans.
: Nothing's been stolen from my desk. Dave Nelson
: You don't have a desk. Joe Garrelli
: Not that you know of.
: Mr. James, tell Joe he can't copyright my name. Jimmy
: You can't copyright any employee's name. Lisa
: See? Jimmy
: Because I own the copyrights to all your names. Matthew
, Joe Garrelli
: What? Jimmy
: When are you people going to start reading your contracts?
: You can't let Mr. James take away Matthew. He's not his little puppet for his amusement. He has a very important role here. Dave Nelson
: As what? Joe Garrelli
: The little puppet that amuses me.
: Dave, why don't you just ask Mr. James to buy him a car, too? Dave
: No. No, I can't. Lisa
: Why not? Dave
: Look, I'm no etiquette expert, but I think when someone is generous enough to give you six sports cars, it's in bad form to ask for a seventh.
: How do you feel? Jimmy James
: How do I feel? I feel like crap! How do you think I feel? Joe Garrelli
: What was it like? Jimmy James
: Well, I was in a dark corridor, and there was a bright light at the end, and as I was walking towards the bright light I hear Dave and Lisa arguing. "I want a baby." "When?" "Right now." And on and on and on. I listened for a second, and then I started *running* towards the bright light. But then I heard music. Slow Ride, you know, from Foghat? And I decided, if only I could hear that one more time, and so I came back.
[Bill plays Slow Ride
] Jimmy James
: Yeah, that's the one. All right, I heard it. My work is done.
] Matthew Brock
: Doctor! Doctor! Jimmy James
: Look, we don't really care what you two do. Catherine Duke
: We have our own lives. Bill McNeal
: Today was just a chance for us to... Matthew Brock
: Shake out the sillies. Bill McNeal
: Please don't finish my sentences.
: Tell them that there is a spunky redhead down here. Joe Garrelli
: I don't know how to tell you this, but there's a spunky redhead in every office. Beth
: Tell me about it. Bill McNeal
: [looks at a picture on Dave's desk
] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something. Dave Nelson
: Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom. Bill McNeal
: Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.
: [after listening to Matthew's story of being ritually abused by Lisa
] It sounds like you went through quite an ordeal. Matthew
: Yeah... Joe
: It also sounds an awful lot like last year's office Halloween party! Matthew
: Nice try, we didn't have a Halloween party last year. Joe
: Yes we did. You had too much of Max's Spookadelic punch and you made out with that girl from accounting who smells like garbage. Matthew
: No, I did not. Joe
: And then you passed out right there. Matthew
: Nah, I would have remembered that.
: Beth, when you're done... Beth
: Don't speak! We're being watched. Joe Garrelli
: I know. Beth
: You know? Joe Garrelli
: Absolutely. We're just like rats in a habitrail to them. They are conducting incredible experiments our puny little minds can't even begin to comprehend. Beth
: I'm not talking aliens, Joe. Joe Garrelli
: People are watching us? You're paranoid.
: Boy, I love a good party. Do you love a good party, Joe? Joe Garrelli
: It's why I went to college, sir. It's also why I didn't graduate. Jimmy James
: Yeah, me neither. So what? Hasn't stopped me from building a million-dollar empire, and it didn't stop you from becoming a... what do you do again? Joe Garrelli
: I'm an electrician. Jimmy James
: Well, things were different in my day.