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[Bill is frustrated that he has no ideas for his new book
: Did you know that when Dan Rather was 19 he was the youngest photographer for the Associated Press? Dave
: Okay, well, what were you doing at 19? Bill
: Drinking. Dave
: Well, how about how hard it was to break into the industry? You know, all the struggles... Bill
: My aunt owned a radio station. She hired me to try to get me to stop drinking.
: The problem, as I see it, is that I have absolutely no personality of my own.
: What's so interesting about radio? Dave
: I think radio is a fascinating medium. Bill
: You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you.
: How much have you done so far? Bill
: The outline. Dave
: How long is it? Bill
: Two words: "The outline."
: Knock-knock. Dave
: What do you want, Bill? Bill
: No, Dave. Knock-knock. Dave
: Oh, okay. Who's there? Bill
: Bill McNeal. Dave
: Bill McNeal who? Bill
: That's really all I have so far.
: [speaking into tape recorder
] Chicago, 1968. The Democratic Convention. Hippies and yippies alike fill the streets, waging a war of peace against Mayor Daley's thugs. There I was... watching it on TV in my dorm and drinking.
: I think I have a title. Dave
: What is it? Bill
: I Suck: The Bill McNeal Story.
: You told them, didn't you? Dave
: Told them what? Bill
: That I haven't written a word. That my life couldn't fill a haiku, let alone a whole book.
: What about me, Bill? All I have is a great radio voice just like you. Bill
: Yes, except you're a woman and you're black. Oh, what I wouldn't give. Catherine Duke
: It's not all it's cracked up to be, Bill.
: [after Jimmy broke his cardboard lookalike, not knowing he was there
] Et tu, Jimmy?
: Bill, have you ever heard the expression "It's easier to catch flies with honey instead of vinegar"? Bill
: Dave, have you ever heard the expression "Only a hillbilly sits around and tries to figure out the best way to catch flies"?
: Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?" Bill
: It's already happening. You've reverted back to what you were. Dave
: This is what I am. A kind, friendly, reasonable person. Bill
: You've gotten soft. You're like one of those police dogs who's released into the wild and gets eaten by a deer or something. Dave
: What? Bill
: Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?"
: Experience has taught me that behind every toothy grin hides an extra row of teeth.
: Don't try to confuse the issue with half truths and gorilla dust.
: I don't think you realize whom you are talking to. Airline Representative
: Why sure. I'm talking to Bill McNeal of WNYX. Bill
: Wow! I see my reputation precedes me. Dave
: Not it doesn't. He's just reading your name tag from the convention.
: Bill, we are not in New York. Bill
: We're not? Gee, and here I am mistaking the Museum of Yarn for the Guggenheim.
: I ordered French fries, not frozen potato planks placed in the general vicinity of some warm grease.
: Bill, don't you think you're laying it on a bit thick? Bill
: Laying what on? Dave
: The fake friendliness. Bill
: You're not gonna believe this, Dave, but I actually forgot I was faking it. Dave
: What? Bill
: After a while, I just started acting nice. Dave
: You're drunk. Bill
: Well, sure, but there's a lot more to it than that. I actually feel... friendly. Dave
: Well, welcome to the club. Bill
: You mean to tell me that you feel like this all the time? Dave
: Except when I'm around you, yeah. Bill
: Well, I gotta tell you, it feels great.
: Still no answer. We've only been out four days. Bill
: Isn't it that redhead's job to answer the phones? Dave
: Four days is a little soon to be forgetting people's names. Bill
: Four days in the vast cultural wasteland between New York and Palm Springs will do that to you.
[the rest of the staff meets to protest a policy of Dave's
: Well, seeing as how Dave and I... Joe
: Do it? Lisa
: ...are romantically... Joe
: Doing it? Lisa
: ...sleeping together, I think this precludes me from taking part in any revolution. Bill
: Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington. Lisa
: You really need to stop getting your history from Gore Vidal.
: First thing we need is pick a position. Like Custer, we will make a stand. Catherine Duke
: Wasn't Custer massacred? Bill McNeal
: Big Chief Custer? No, he killed many palefaces that day.
: Ah, two of the most exquisite pleasures known to modern man: tobacco and whatever it is this chair is doing to my pelvis.
: Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington. Lisa
: Bill you've really gotta stop getting your history from Gore Vidal.
: This may come as a surprise to Dave, but slavery was abolished in this country! No offense, Catherine. Catherine Duke
: Why would I be offended by slavery being abolished? Bill
: I don't know. I just like to cover my bases.
: Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington!
: And it's not just the snacks! I mean, look what's happened to our smoking lounge. Matthew
: Oh, that's *your* smoking lounge, Bill. I'm still very against that! Bill
: Whatever. I can remember when there were comfortable chairs out there! Catherine Duke
: Maybe you shouldn't have stolen the comfortable chairs for the den at home.
: Well, lets see... the chair costs $2,000. Since there's only two of us, that makes your share $1,200. Matthew Brock
: No, it should be a thousand, right? Bill
: You better get yourself a calculator, my friend.
: Two of the greatest pleasures known to modern man; alcohol and whatever this thing is doing to my pelvis.
: Hey I have an idea. I'll give up coffee, if you give up cigarettes. Huh? We'll go through this together. Bill
: But you should have to give up something of equal difficulty. Like going to the bathroom.
: I'm Bill, we are now officially a non-smoking office. What you are doing can be punishable by a 100 dollar fine. Bill
: You're kidding. Dave
: No, I am not kidding.
[Bill hands Dave a $100 bill
: Bill that's not how it's supposed to work. Now put that out.
: Here Bill I want you to put one of these on your back.
[Takes a nicotine patch out of a paper bag
: What is it? Dave
: It's the patch. Lisa
: Don't you need a prescription for those? Dave
: Yeah, I went to my doctor this morning and had him prescribe them for me. Lisa
: But you don't smoke. Dave
: Yeah, but I told him that I was thinking about starting. You know, I don't think he's a very good doctor.
: It smells like an ashtray when I pee. Is there anything you can do to help with that? Dave
: Gosh, I hope not.
: I just didn't realize the Patch had side effects. Bill
: And I didn't know you're only supposed to wear one at a time. Dave
] How many did you have on, Bill? Bill
: Fifteen, sixteen. Had 'em going around my waist like a little belt.
[Bill has returned from an overnight stay in the hospital
: Hey there. How you feeling? Bill
: Good, thanks. Jimmy
: Feel like suing the station? Bill
: No. Jimmy
: Good... I gotta go.
: Hey Bill, I'm your friend. Bill
: Oh yeah? Where were you last night at 3 A.M. when I was watching Steel Magnolias and crying my eyes out?
: [drinking coffee in Dave's office
] You don't mind, do ya? Dave
: Oh, no, gosh no, Bill, please enjoy! Bill
: Ah, the ol' Java Jive. Chock Full o' Nuts? They should call it Chock Full o' Flavor!
: You see, it's like the old saying, "Everybody loves a cane." Dave
: No, Bill. I think the old saying is "Everybody loves a clown." Which is what you look like with that thing.
: You do realize I'm just going to go and buy another cane, don't you? Dave
: Yeah, and I'm just going to steal it again... Bill
: Touche. Beth?
[Beth tosses Bill a cane
: Here's one you can take right now.
[Beth tosses Bill a cane
: This one you can break later.
[Beth tosses Bill a cane
: Here's one for the Hamptons.
[Beth tosses Bill a cane
: This one I like, I keep. Bill
: [Beth tosses Bill a cane
] This one displeases me.
[Bill leaves Dave's office in frustration at not having found his cane. Dave subtly steps in front of the window
: You stepped in front of the window. Dave: I did what? When I moved to the door you moved in front of the window as if you were protecting something. Dave
: Ok, Bill. Bill, I'm asking you to leave. Bill
: You taped it to the side of the building or under the window sill! I read your book, you magnificent bastard! Dave
: Ok, Bill. I-I-I-I'm now I'm now ordering you to leave! Bill
: I'll leave, but first I'm looking out that window. Dave
: Bill, you're gonna feel pretty stupid when it's not out there. Bill
: It's out there. I know it's out there! Dave
: Bill? yes, Dave? I stole your cane!
[Dave walks to the window, reaches outside and retrieves Bill's cane from under the window sill
: Bill, I'm sorry. I-I don't know why I-I did it and and and I-I-I I'm, I'm sorry, Bill. Bill
: That is the most childish, immature thing I've ever seen you do! Dave
: No, this is...
[Dave breaks the cane over his knee
: Ah, but you knew I was going to do that? Bill
: No, that one caught me by surprise.
: [giving directions with his cane
] You, my good man, are going to get back on the elevator. Go down a floor, step out of the elevator, turn left. Walk down the hallway and the graphics art shop is 1 2 3 4 5 doors down, on the right, just open the door... And you're home!
: Bill, do you have anything to add? Bill
: Dave stole my cane, and my ass still hurts.
: Nice out there today. Perfect cane weather. Dave
: Well, then Central Park must be full of idiots with canes.
: Jimmy. Jimmy
: Recognized. Bill
: My ass hurts. Jimmy
: [on intercom
] Okay, Carol, bring us some cushions too. Bill's ass hurts.
: [singing to the tune of Yankee Doddle
] William Clinton came to town, riding on inflation. Took a town named Whitewater, introduced it to our nation.
: Bill, I would like you to meet Steve Johnson. Bill
: Hi, Steve. Steve Johnson
: [Stretches out his hand to Bill
] Hello, Bill.
[Bill punches out Steve
] Dave Nelson
: That was your plan? Bill
: I panicked. Dave Nelson
: Yeah, well, you can't just... Bill
: I only did it for you, Dave. Dave Nelson
: Yeah, that's what John Hinckley said. Bill
: Which reminds me of a little song... Dave Nelson
: What kind of fire water have you been drinking there, Little Chief?
: What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway? Bill
: I'm working on an act. Dave Nelson
: I thought your whole life was an act.
: [singing to Oh Suzanna
] Oh, Joe Camel / Don't you cry for me / You gave my uncle cancer / But you'll pay the lawyer's fee.
] Silent night / Religious right / Jesse Helms / Sleeps tonight...
: Everybody! Lisa Miller
, Dave Nelson
] Something something... Bill
] Madeline Albright.
: Hey, here's a fellow we've all grown to appreciate:
: Twinkle, twinkle, Kenneth Starr, Special Whitewater Prosecut-ar.aa
: Hey, I own that one. Bill McNeal
: You own this album? Jimmy James
: No, I own the company that distributes that album.
: I thought you liked rap. Bill McNeal
: I did, but that was before I knew it had words. Catherine Duke
: Wait, you didn't know it had words? Well, why did you think they called rap? Bill McNeal
: I thought it was just because of the rhythm. You know, rap-rap, rappity-tap.
: Teenagers can buy this. So could the elderly. I decided to do an on-air editorial, draw a line in the sand, as it were. Dave Nelson
: Can I make a suggestion? Bill McNeal
: Shoot. Dave Nelson
: Put aside the editorial, invent a time machine, travel back to the year 1988, and you might actually be one of the first thousand journalists to break this story. Bill McNeal
: You'd like that, wouldn't you? It's too hot. You don't want to burn your fingers. Well, someone's got to open American eyes about this. Dave Nelson
: All right, Bill, but promise me one thing: You'll stay away from the Lambada! That forbidden dance is a powder keg ready to blow!
] Bill McNeal
: I'll promise you nothing.
: There, it's fixed. Bill McNeal
: Well, how on earth did you do that? Joe Garrelli
: See that knob there? The one marked "Treble"? You had it turned all the way down. Should be able to hear all the words now. Bill McNeal
: There are words?
: And besides, you had no right to make Matthew do your work for you. Bill McNeal
: I didn't make him do it. I paid him. Quite handsomely, I might add. Matthew Brock
: Oh, let's just, let's just say I was persuaded by Bill's friends, mister...
[Looks at money
] Matthew Brock
: ...ah, Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Washington, and...
[Looks at quarter
] Matthew Brock
: Oh, Mr. Washington again.
: This stuff speaks to me in places I didn't know I had ears.
: Have you ever heard rap music? Beth
: Does Sir Mix-A-Lot like booty? Bill McNeal
: It's an outrage! Listen to this, actual rap lyrics. "Life ain't nothin' but gritches and money", only they don't say "gritches", they say a certain word that rhymes with it that starts with a B. Matthew Brock
: Is your own life so boring that you have to obsess about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of? Bill
[Bill is on the phone with Lisa during the middle of the night
: Bill, are you fully dressed?
: ...Yes Lisa
: Goodbye Bill.
: Are you challenging my constitutional right to make nude phone calls?
: I remember we used to have what they called key parties. You see, everyone put all their car keys into a big bowl, and at the end of the night you take a key out at random and then... Dave
: And then? Bill
: And then you get to take somebody else's car home. Dave
: I believe the point of those parties was to take somebody else's wife home. Bill
: I guess that's why they never invited me back.
: I get the steak, and I can stand the cigar smoke, but the boxing? That's just gay. Bill
: You couldn't be more wrong. It's a fine tradition dating back to the cradle of western civilization. Dave
: No, Bill, you're thinking of all-naked Greco-Roman wrestling. Bill
: I thought it was a men's club. Dave
: Different kind of men's club.
: Dave, you're talking to a card-carrying member of the hot-tub generation, with the emphasis on the word "member".
: I find that being loved is no longer enough. I need to give love back. I need a baby. Dave
: Why don't you get a puppy? Bill
: Had one. Ran away. Dave
: A cat? Bill
: Had one. Ran away. Dave
: A fish? Bill
: Had one. Asphyxiated while attempting to run away.
: I'm not getting any younger. If this were Logan's Run, I'd be Soylent Green by now.
: Dave, parenting is something you can learn as you experience it; like riding a bike, or like filing a restraining order against a crazy aunt.
: I am about to do something that will fundamentally change my life. I... Beth
: You're getting a liver transplant! You're donating your liver to someone! Dave
: You can't do that. Joe
: Yeah, that's what they want you to think.
: Four years? I could be married with a baby of my own by then. Adoption Agent
: I guess you could. Bill
: So what are you doing tonight?
: Well, this is going to come as a shock to everyone; I'm still trying to get used to it myself, but... I'm going to have a baby. Dave
: No, you're not. Bill
: Yes, I am! I'm going to have a baby! Matthew Brock
: Wow, you're hardly even showing!
: Thanks, Bill. Bill
: Thanks for what, Jim? Thanks for being man enough to bear up to the curse of my overpowering machismo? Jimmy
: Yeah. Thanks for that. Bill
: You're welcome, my friend. You are welcome.
: Please keep it down. I can't work with all that crunching. Bill
: Well, maybe I can't crunch with all that working, so let's call a truce.
: You know that was a load of crap. Bill
: When love is unrequited, the whole world is a load of crap. Dylan Thomas, 1987.
: Bill, I'm calling a staff meeting. Bill
: I'm busy. Catherine Duke
: Doing what? Bill
: Helping the good Capt'n get back to the good ship Crunchgoose, or whatever the hell it's called.
: Wait a minute! I've read Penthouse letters more believable than that. Bill
: So have I, but it's obvious the woman has the hots for me. Catherine clearly couldn't stand being near me, as she was filled with what the great poets call "manimal lust".
: We're all very proud of you. Catherine Duke
: I'm proud too. Proud to have met all of you. And in all my years in WNYX, what I'm most proud of... is what's happening at my appartment right now.
[Cut to Joe at Catherine's appartment, dressed in a robe and lighting candles; he hears the door opening, so he disrobes and stands in front of the door, completely nude; enter Bill with flowers and a bottle of wine
: Here's Mister Won...
[Sees Joe naked
: ... derful. Catherine Duke
: [answering machine
] Hello, you've reach Catherine. Leave a message after the beep.
] Catherine Duke
: Hi, Joe. Hi, Bill. If you're listening to this, then I am the happiest woman in the world.
[laughs, then hangs up
: [Offers Joe the flowers
] I guess these are for you.
: Cigarette? Bill McNeal
: Yes, thank you. Fred
: I wasn't offering you one. Bill McNeal
: Then why did you say cigarette? Fred
: I was talking to my friend, the cigarette. Cigarette, prepare to be smoked.
: What's your real name? Fred
: Ullyses S. Grant, 18th President of the United States. Bill McNeal
: You're not president. Fred
: Well, obviously. It's just my name, not my job.
: Bill, these people are insane. Bill McNeal
: Oh, really? Then how come they elected me Prime Minister of the 15th ward this morning?
: I'm not really crazy. Bill McNeal
: You're not? Fred
: No. I prefer the term crazy.
: It's your fault I lost my television privileges. Bill McNeal
: I didn't force you to impersonate a doctor. Fred
: But you sound just like the little voice inside my head.
: Bill, you can't vacation in a mental hospital. It just isn't done. Fred
: Don't be so naive. You see, I have a very stressful job, so every six months I come here to relax. Bill McNeal
: See? I'm not the only one. Dave Nelson
: What do you do? Fred
: I'm an air traffic controller. It gets very stressful, so once a year I flip out and punch my fist through a radar screen, and I get sent here. Bill McNeal
: You mean you pretend to flip out. Fred
: No, I really do flip out.
: What is a radio station? It is not a country club. It is a fighting unit, am I right?
] Bill McNeal
: And what do fighting men and women do in a crisis? Joe Garrelli
: They fight! Bill McNeal
: No, they give in, especially when the odds are hopelessly stacked against them.
: You may not believe this, Dave, but you are not Joseph Stalin, and this is not Elizabethan England. I have a right to speak.
: Why, back in the old days of radio, they had nothing but jungle drums to beat the morning weather and traffic reports from village to village. But did they complain? Dave Nelson
: Hell, no! Bill McNeal
: Do you hear me complaining? Dave Nelson
: Hell, no. Because you negotiated a secret raise that caused all the problems in the first place. Bill McNeal
: Right... No! What?
: Bill, what possessed you to negotiate a raise that would cripple the station? Bill McNeal
: Greed. Dave Nelson
: And what has that greed gotten you? Bill McNeal
: Money. Dave Nelson
: And what has that money gotten you? Bill McNeal
: Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up!
: [as they pass each other in Dave's window
] Morning, Sam. Jimmy
: Morning, Ralph. I love that joke.
: You've really done it this time, Bill. You've bankrupt the station, nearly stripped us bare, and on top of that you broke poor Matthew's heart. I hope you're proud of yourself. Bill McNeal
: How do you think I feel? Everyone hates me now. I mean, not like before when they only sorta hated me. This is the real stuff.
: Listen up, people, this is what we're gonna do. Bill McNeal
: Standard subway crisis. We know what to do, Dave. Dave Nelson
: I didn't know there was a standard procedure for this. Bill McNeal
: Oh, sure. We send a reporter to the scene, he asks the transit police if he can go into the tunnel, they say no, he says okay, I go on the air every eight minutes and say, "Still no news on that disabled train." Dave Nelson
: Bill, if I may, I'd like to try something different this time. Bill McNeal
: Okay. How about this? We send a reporter, transit police, go in, no, okay, I go on the air every seven minutes, blah, blah, blah.
: It's not the desk itself, it's what it represents. Dave Nelson
: Which is... Bill McNeal
: Actually, it is the desk itself.
: No desk, no dinner... Land of Opportunity my ass!
: I have a question. Dave Nelson
: Yes, Bill? Bill McNeal
: I don't have a new desk. Dave Nelson
: Bill, that's not a question.
: If Bill gets a new desk, I want a new desk. Dave Nelson
: Bill's not getting a new desk. Bill McNeal
: Thanks for letting me down so gently.
: Yes, I have a question. Dave Nelson
: Yes, Bill? Bill McNeal
: How long has Matthew been lobbying for a new desk? Dave Nelson
: Oh, there was no lobbying. He just happened to mention it over dinner one night. Matthew Brock
: Oh, Dave... They... they don't need to know about our dinners. Bill McNeal
: So... dinner and a desk. What's next, you're gonna get him a pony?
[Mr. James loses big in a poker game
: What did you lose. Jimmy
: Bill. Bill
: Yes. Jimmy
: Bill. Bill
: Right here, chief. Jimmy
: I don't think you understand me. I lost Bill!
: Wait a minute, you carry your contract around? Bill
: At a time like this it doesn't seem so crazy, does it? Jimmy
: Page 15, article 4, paragraph 1. Bill
: Contract transferable to third party in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy and/or act of God - it doesn't say anything about... Jimmy
: Read your act of God, clause and clarification. Bill
: Jimmy James will hereafter and for the purposes of this contract only
[realization sets in
: be referred to as God. Dave
: Sir, can I see you in my office for a moment?
[Bill finds out Mr. James lost him in a poker game
: You can't bet me in a poker game. Jimmy
: I'm afraid I can, check your contract.
[Bill pulls out his contract
: Wait a minute. You carry around your contract? Bill
: At times like these, it doesn't sound so ridiculous, now does it?
: Someone has been rummaging in the recycling bins. Matthew Brock
: Me. I'm trying to find the winning can in that contest. Bill
: That contest was over after the Super Bowl. Matthew Brock
: The Super what?
: I know when I'm not wanted. Catherine Duke
: Then why haven't you left before?
: Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman, and I'll show you a man.
: What happened? Bill
: Nothing. Lisa
: Well, then why was Beth on the verge of tears? Bill
: I don't know. Maybe it was Rush Limbaugh's keynote speech. Women, they'll cry at anything. Am I right, fellas? Joe Garrelli
: Don't look at me, dude. Matthew Brock
: Boo, Bill. Boo.
: What are you doing for lunch today? Beth
: Same thing I'm doing right now except with yogurt.
: You know what it's like? It's like taking your daughter to the fair and buying her cotton candy and winning prizes for her and then you get on the Ferris wheel and she wants to make out. Lisa
: Ok... Bill
: Well how could she do that to me, Lisa? How could she... french her daddy?
: How do I look? Dave
: Very snazzy, Bill. Bill
: Thank you. Lisa
: Yeah, in a sleazy kind of way.
: Have you ever lost something very dear to you? Dave
: Well, yeah. Yeah, when I was twelve, we had this dog... Bill
: I was thinking more along the lines of a massive sum of cash.
: [Matthew has given him a Hello Kitty backpack
] Oh, Matthew, I can't accept this. Matthew
: Oh, no, please. Bill
: Beause I am neither Japanese, fourteen years old, nor a girl.
: Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish... Jimmy
: ...and he'll spend all his time in the basement tying flies and neglecting his personal hygiene.
: Come on, Jimmy. I get in, get out, like a thief in the night. Jimmy
: I do not consort with thieves. Bill
: Well, I'm not actually a thief. Jimmy
: Really? Does that mean you're gonna give Matthew his shoes back? Bill
: When he's ready for them.
: In fact, in Japan they got all kinds of different things to eat. Bill
: Yeah, I know, Matthew, it's called Chinese food. Shut up.
: Bill, don't ever show me a photo like that in a room where I've mentioned my mother. Bill
: She's really done it this time, buster. She's really torn it. Dave
: What exactly is the problem? Bill
: What's the problem? What's the problem? The problem is, I don't have one of THOSE. Dave
: Well, Bill, neither do I, but it doesn't bother me.
[Lisa walks by Bill with only a bra on. Bill doesn't react, but Lisa slaps him anyway
: I didn't say anything. Lisa
: You were thinking it. Bill
: Fair enough.
: Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and the family... Never really understood what that one meant, but it always stuck with me.
: Your name is Garelli?
: Bill, this is the most childish stunt you've ever pulled. Bill
: No, glueing all your pencils together was the most childish stunt I've ever pulled.
: Is this some kind of evil plot to teach me a lesson?
: Bill, I need a copy of your next Real Deal on my office. Bill
: Don't worry, I got it all up here.
[Points at head
] Lisa Miller
: Bill, you can't just improvise an editorial piece. Bill
: Everyday I tell myself that, and yet everyday I manage to pull another one out of my butt.
: Matthew, reformat these expense reports and send them to accounting. Matthew Brock
: I'm not good at reformating. Bill
: Then learn. Matthew Brock
: I'm not good at learning, either.
: When did you get the piano in here? Bill
: Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven. Dave Nelson
: Or Steve Allen.
: This is a two-part question. 1: What does Lisa look like naked? And 2: What does Lisa feel like naked?
: Say, Dave, maybe after work you'd like to go by the zoo and *shoot goats*?
: You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square. Dave
: Bill, you know, I worked in Milwaukee; you know, it's a city with a population of a million people. Bill
: So that must have been quite a hub-bub when that cow got loose, huh?
: Hey, Bill. What's the word? Bill
: Thunderbird, sir. Jimmy
: There you go.
: I've got plenty of heart.
[after Bill comments he probably doesn't have one
: Said the Tinman to the Wizard. But you probably hated that movie, didn't you? Dave
: No, actually, I quite enjoyed that movie Bill
: By the way, Dave, I checked the box on my driver's license; if anything should ever happen to me...
[pats his chest
: ...it's all yours.
: So, I guess it's business as usual for you. To you, it must have been like stepping on a bug, except this bug had friends and a personality. And it wasn't so much a bug as a rat. Dave
: Look, Bill, I feel bad, all right. I feel terrible. Bill
: Oh, come now - you feel nothing. For you this was like stepping on a bug. Only this bug had a name and a personallity, and was a rat rather than a bug. Dave
: Look, Bill, what do you expect me to do? I mean, what can I do? Bill
: Also you didn't step on it, it died in a trap.
: If you ever broadcast my age over the air again, I will beat you to death with your own microphone. Bill McNeal
: You may be 36, but you still have all the spark and sass of a 35-year old.
: How would you feel if I told everyone how old you were? Bill McNeal
: I can't say it would bother man. Catherine Duke
: Then how old are you? Bill McNeal
: I don't see how that is relevant to this conversation. Catherine Duke
: All right. When is your birthday? Bill McNeal
: That's getting a little personal, isn't it?
: What was that? Lisa Miller
: What was what? Bill McNeal
: Beth gave you something, you hid it. What was it? Lisa Miller
: Girl thing. Bill McNeal
: Look, we don't really care what you two do. Catherine Duke
: We have our own lives. Bill McNeal
: Today was just a chance for us to... Matthew Brock
: Shake out the sillies. Bill McNeal
: Please don't finish my sentences.
: It's just a word. Words can't hurt you. Catherine Duke
: Oh, yeah? What if I were to call you a name? Bill McNeal
: Go ahead. Catherine Duke
: All right... Evelyn.
[Bill's real first name
] Bill McNeal
: First of all, it's pronounced "Eevelyn."
: Is it chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?
: I get a ticket, I pay it. You get a ticket, you pay it. They get a ticket, they don't pay no ticket, and that's why these free-loading foreign diplomats should be dragged out of their cars and beaten like the renegade outlaws they are.
: Wake up, Manhattan! Wake up, Brooklyn! Wake up... the other three boroughs! These diplomats, with names you need a calculator to pronounce, have got their hands in your pockets, and it's high time we cut them off at the wrist.
: Are you happy now? You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? Now a perfectly healthy young man with a bright future is dead because of you! Lisa Miller
: Bill, he was obviously crippled by mental illness. Bill
: You're obviously crippled by mental illness!
: I take full responsibility. Jimmy
: That's noble of you, Lisa, but this is not the Bay of Pigs. Dave
: Good, because Bill is certainly not John F. Kennedy. Bill
: I'll take that as a compliment, because if I was, I'd be dead now.
: It wasn't funny "ha ha", it was more funny "boo hoo, that totally sucked".
: How come no one thinks I'm funny? Lisa
: How come no one thinks I'm female? Bill
: We're just misunderstood, I suppose. That's why guys like us have to hang together. Lisa
: Bill, I'm a woman. Bill
: Prove it. Lisa
] Ha-ha. Bill
: See? Made you laugh.
[Dave is sitting at his desk
: Prepare to be knocked on your ass. Dave
: Aw damn, I'm already on my ass. Why don't you try me again later? Bill
: You know I will.
: Just because all the women are gone doesn't give you license to behave like animals. Bill
: Why not? Dave
: I'm just saying don't get too comfortable, seeing as they will all be back tomorrow. Lisa
: I'm a woman. Matthew
: But you're different. Lisa
: No, Matthew, *you're* different.
: I had no idea the morning meeting was being replaced by a belching stand-off. What if I had been with a client? Bill
: It's okay, Jimmy. All the women are gone. Jimmy James
: Cool. Bring me a tall, cool one, and I'll show you how this thing is done.
: I took Lisa out to lunch. Dave
: Did you? Bill
: It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more. Dave
: Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you? Bill
: Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it. Dave
: Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave. Bill
: I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman. Dave
: Lisa is not my woman. Bill
: And how.
: Look, Dave and Lisa work better as a couple, right? Bill McNeal
: Of course they are. They belong together, like H and 2-O.
: Ah, that tiny new car smell.
: Lisa, why don't we go to lunch together? Just you, me, a bottle of wine and thou.
[Confronting Lisa about her breakup with Dave
: You got what you wanted from Dave, right? And then you snapped your legs shut like a well-oiled bear trap.
: [Reading Dave's memo to Lisa
] Oops! Dave Nelson
: What? Bill
: This is a word that, in my experience, the ladies don't particularly go for. Dave Nelson
: Oh, that's just a typo. It's supposed to read "pushy."
: Even if I did blab your personal life to the world, no one would believe me. Dave Nelson
: Why not? Bill
: Because I am widely believed to be an inveterate liar, and rightly so.
: I know it's a crummy story but someone has to do a piece on the Williamsburg Bridge renovation. Lisa Miller
: Give it to me, Dave. I'll take it. Joe Garrelli
: That's not the first time Dave's heard Lisa say that. Dave Nelson
: Give it a rest. Bill
: I'll bet that's not the first time Lisa's heard Dave say that. Lisa Miller
: Look you really don't want to get into this. Catherine Duke
: I bet Dave's never heard that one before. Dave Nelson
: Seriously, this is a very sensitive area. Beth
: Oh that's what she said. Lisa Miller
: Okay I'm telling them. Bill
: And I'll bet that's not... Actually that doesn't really work, does it?
: Mr James, you are not going to fly around the world in a hot air balloon? Jimmy James
: Oh, yes I am. Dave Nelson
: With whom ? Jimmy James
: All by myself. Dave Nelson
: When ? Jimmy James
: Today. Dave Nelson
: Why ? Jimmy James
: Because it's there. Dave Nelson
: What's there ? Jimmy James
: What's where ? Bill McNeal
: Who's on first ? Jimmy James
: I don't know. Bill McNeal
: Third base!
: Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may ? Jimmy James
: Go ahead. Bill McNeal
: Thank you. Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon. Jimmy James
: Well, why the hell do you think I'm doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.
: You're chewing tobacco? Bill McNeal
: I'm giving up smoking, not nicotine. Dave Nelson
: Chewing tobacco is just as dangerous as smoking. Bill McNeal
: To my gums, not my lungs. Just trying to mix it up a little.
: Worried about the big chief, little chief? Dave Nelson
: Uh, yeah, yeah, Bill, I am kind of worried about it. I mean, there's a fine line between eccentricity and downright, suicidal foolhardiness. Bill McNeal
: I know. I walked that line every Saturday night. Dave Nelson
: Let me tell you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving: give me my money back.
: We are all a bunch of morons.
: We... Dave
: Are... Bill
: All... Editor
: A... Jimmy
: Bunch... Dave
: Of... Jimmy
: As you know, I have been trying to find something to do together. Bill
: We already have something to do together. It's called work. Matthew Brock
: The softball team didn't work for whatever reason. Joe
: Maybe that's because to play softball you need a bat. Matthew Brock
: I know that now. Joe
: And a ball. Matthew Brock
: Whatever! Lisa
: If you're going to get us all Knicks tickets like last year, at least buy them all in advance. Matthew Brock
: I said whatever! Who knew New York was such a big sports town?
: Hey, guy... Dave
: Bill, at least call him by his name. Editor
: My name is Guy. Dave
: Hi, Guy.
: It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child I thought as a child and spoke as a child, but when I became a man I took that child out back and had him shot."
: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, "I never liked you, get lost."
: I got you this book. I thought you might like it. Dave Nelson
: [Reads title
] "Crazy from the Heat." David Lee Roth. Wasn't he in Van Hallen? Bill
: I'm not sure what town he's from. I think he was a singer before he turned to writing.
: Just don't hurt their feelings. Bill
: Dave, that is not my style. Dave Nelson
: Yes, it is.
: I'm off to astonish the world with more feats of ade-quata-quaticism.
: Matthew, doesn't' it matter to you that we've all humbled ourselves coming down here? Bill
: Oh, I didn't realize I was humbling myself.
: Aren't you curious about what our peers think about my first full year as news director? Lisa Miller
: Well, it's the New York Radio Guide. Nobody reads it except for psychotic geeks obsessed with every little detail in the incestuous world of New York radio. Bill
: Is that the '96-'97 New York Radio Guide? It is, isn't it? It's here, everyone, it's here! The Alpha and the Omega has arrived.
: I see. You start with the nuts and bolts, then get into the deep psychological stuff. James Caan
: No. I start with the nuts, then get to the bolts, and then get the hell out of here.
: I can't believe I threw up on James Caan. Bill McNeal
: I can't believe he just laughed it off. Matthew Brock
: I can't believe he didn't punch me. Bill McNeal
: I can't believe he did punch me.
: You know, you and me are a lot alike. You're a Hollywood tough guy, and I'm a New York radio tough guy. James Caan
: What are you talking about. Bill McNeal
: Nothing, just talking to myself.
: You can't just pluck someone off the street and put him on the air. Bill
: Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered? Dave
: That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered. Bill
: Don't confuse me with the facts.
: Catherine is out sick today and I want your input on who should take her place. Bill
: Me. I can handle it. Dave
: I think it's too much work for one man. Bill
: [Chicago accent
] How about my friend Eddie from Chicago? Dave
: Is he a real person or just another voice? Bill
: Another voice. Dave
: No. Bill
: [Hindu accent
] What if he were from India?
: You think that's an amazing trick? Watch this. Dave...
[Dave's end table collapses
: Why did you do that? Bill McNeal
: It's just a little harmless hazing, and as far as hazings go, pouring hot coffee and hot sauce on someone's head is relatively mild. Lisa Miller
: You put hot sauce in there? Bill McNeal
: I remember this one time in college we got this pledge drunk, tied him up, locked him in the trunk of a car, abandoned the car in a junkyard... Dave Nelson
: And then? Bill McNeal
: What? Dave Nelson
: How did he get out of the car? Bill McNeal
] You know what, I gotta make a phone call.
: Uncle Jimmy? I didn't know we were bringing in one of Jimmy's boy toys... Dave Nelson
: Bill! Mr. James doesn't have boy toys. This is actually one of Jimmy's nephews. Bill McNeal
: Oh. Because I thought... Dave Nelson
: I don't care what you thought.
: None of us really died.
: Hello, Jim. You're not looking too well. Lisa Miller
: He's dead. Bill
: Oh, well then he looks great.
: Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition, and I'm a woman!
: Joe, who's the black undercover dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Joe
: Why, I believe that would be Shaft, Bill. Bill
: Mmm-hmm. And who's the cat who won't cop out when there is danger all about? Joe
: Once again Bill, you are referring to Shaft. You know, they say that Shaft is one bad mutha... Matthew
: Just shut up, you guys. Jimmy
: What're you guys doing? Bill
: Were just talking about Shaft. Jimmy
: I can dig it.
: [finds a bag of take out in his desk
] Whose food is this? This desk is not a steam table! Whose food is this? Delivery Guy
: Bill McNeal? Bill
: Oh, right.
: Don't tell Mr. James anything, but here's what we're gonna do. We'll pool all the bonus money and divide it equally among everyone. Beth
: So everyone gets the same bonus. Dave
: That's right. Matthew
: And no one gets the shaft. Dave
: Exactly. Matthew
: I think this idea is a winner. I like it. Bill
: This idea is both fair and democratic. Dave
: Thank you, Bill. Bill
: And I want no part of it. It reeks of communism, and penalizes the person who most deserves the big bonus, and speaking as that person, I cannot support it.
: That's my crazy man.
: There has to be an alterior motive. Bill
: I know what it is. Dave
: What? Bill
: Insanity. The man's going crazy, and we've got front row seats.
: You know what's really, really wrong with this country? Nothing! Bill
: Your confusing thesis has captured my attention. Tell me more.
: Oh, it's a security door. I thought it was a terrarium to keep Matthew from getting out.
: Thanks for the offer, Dave. I'd rather have you out here taking care of the door. Dave Nelson
] What? Bill McNeal
: Oh, never mind. Didn't realize relieving myself was going to turn into the Danish Inquisition.
: Hey, what if there's a fire? We'd be stuck inside burned alive, like those people on the Titanic.
: Are you saying you actually believe in fortunetelling, Bill? Bill McNeal
: As did Socrates, Julius Caesar and Napoleon. It is the wisest man who knows there is a lot he does not know. Matthew Brock
: I know.
: Maestro, if you please. Rumpshaker, or some reasonable facsimile.
: All right, sweet spirit. Tell me what the future holds for Bill McNeal, and remember that we are among doubters here, so be specific. Psychic
: All right... March 8, 2032, at 8:30 PM, you will die. Bill McNeal
: There you are... what? Psychic
: March 8, 2032, 8:30 PM, you will die. Bill McNeal
: I'll dye my hair? Psychic
: No, you will die, as in your body will stop living. Pretty specific, eh?
: We just can't ask him. I think we have to go through his agent. Bill McNeal
: Did Edward R. Murrow have to go through the agent of... whatever famous person he interviewed?
: You two must be pretty desperate. Bill McNeal
: Please, we'll do anything you say. You name it. Jerry Seinfeld
: For starters, you can get your hand off my salad.
: How do I know you won't just chop it up and make me look foolish? Bill McNeal
: Come on, Jerry, you know me. Jerry Seinfeld
: Again, Bill, no I don't.
: [to Lisa
] So, how have you been doing, or should I say, who have you been doing?
: You don't recognize you own phone number? Dave Nelson
: He changes it every week. Bill McNeal
: Why do you do that? Jimmy James
: Security. Joe Garrelli
: Big Brother? Jimmy James
: My whole damn family, actually.
[Dave finds movie tickets from Lisa on his desk, which Bill thinks is proof she's going out with someone
] Bill McNeal
: What movie? Dave Nelson
: What does it matter? Bill McNeal
: Don't twist the knife, Dave. Just answer the question. Dave Nelson
: Amistad. Bill McNeal
: Ooh! Total make-out flick!
: How much does it cost? Vic
: I better get my cup, 'cause someone's playing hardball.
: [Eating a 10-day-old donut
] You know, these are just like the donuts my mother use to make for me.
: So Dave's Canadian. So what? Everyone here is from different places. Joe, where is your family from? Joe Garrelli
: Italy. Bill McNeal
: And Beth? Beth
: Ireland. Bill McNeal
: How about you, Catherine? Catherine Duke
: Africa. Matthew Brock
: Really, you're from Africa? Bill McNeal
: And Matthew, of course, is from Neptune. I, myself, am descended from the Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower from... Portugal, or somewhere.
: Can you keep a little Christmas secret? Bill McNeal
: A Christmas secret? How jolly. Santa
: Come closer. Dave
: Are you coming, Bill? Bill McNeal
: In a minute.
[Comes closer to Santa
: I'm going to kill you.
: Wait a second - I chipped in seventy-five dollars to buy the man a dirty shirt in a frame? What is this, some kind of pyramid scheme? Jimmy
: Hey, somebody starting a pyramid scheme? I'd like to get in on that.
: [to Dave
] Thanks. And for Pete's sake, take that off. It makes you look like a 12-year-old.
[takes off Dave's baseball cap
] Bill McNeal
: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was the hat.
: Did I hear someone asking for stories about Ted? Jack
: Yes. Bill McNeal
: Then right this way, my friend, for some Ted-bits of fun, some Ted-memberances.
: Don't mind Dave. His callous mask hides his grief. You know what they say, little man, big emotion. Jack
: I've never heard that. Bill McNeal
: Well, I'm part Cherokee.
: [about Ted
] Hell of a guy... one of the bravest sons of bitches I ever knew. Best man in the world to be stuck in a foxhole with. He took a bullet for me in the Battle for San... Luis Obispo.
: Here comes the birthday girl. Catherine Duke
: I told you I didn't want a birthday party. Bill McNeal
: You always say that. Catherine Duke
: And I always mean it.
[to Dave and Lisa
] Bill McNeal
: Hey, you two. Dave Nelson
] What do you mean, "hey, us two"? Bill McNeal
: Well, I'll count again, but I think I'll get the same result.
: I'm taking the entire staff out to lunch in honor of Catherine's birthday yesterday. Dave Nelson
: Oh, is Catherine going? Bill McNeal
: No, but it's the thought that counts.
: That's all for this morning meeting, unless anyone has anything they like to say. Catherine Duke
: I do. Today would have been Mahatma Gandhi's birthday, and I think than, in his honor, we should all observe a moment of silence.
[Everyone bows their head
] Bill McNeal
: Mahatma who? Catherine Duke
: Mahatma Gandhi.
] Bill McNeal
: A great man. Catherine Duke
: Shut up. It's supposed to be a moment of silence.
] Bill McNeal
: Sorry. Catherine Duke
: Well, thanks for everything. We'll try it again next year. Matthew Brock
: I bet if we lived in India, we'd get like a three-day weekend or something. Bill McNeal
: I think we should also have a moment of silence for Ben Kingsley, who, as we all know, played Gandhi in the movie of the same name. Catherine Duke
: Ben Kingsley's not dead. Bill McNeal
: No, but he's a hell of an actor, isn't he?
: Bill, what do you think of this photo? Bill McNeal
: Who is that? Beth
: Oh, it's a friend of mine who's doing a thesis at NYU. It's a fine arts program. Bill McNeal
: Uh huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form, and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA, I'd give her five, six grand. Beth
: Well, Bill, do you think it's sexy? Bill McNeal
: Well I don't think that's really germain to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make. Beth
: Thank you, Bill.
[walks over to Matthew
] Bill McNeal
: Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.
: Lisa, if you don't say anything, it makes it kind of hard for me to contradict you.
: [imitating President Bill Clinton
] Well, I was sitting in the Oval Office, completely nude, of course...
[Dave and Lisa are forced to campaign for a job neither wants
: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates. Dave
: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail. Bill
: Gooood answer.
: Lisa and you were both strong candidates. There was really no way to choose between you two. Dave
: Then why did every single person vote against me? Bill
: Joe voted using a random number generator. Beth voted against you because Lisa gets fewer phone calls and doesn't like coffee. Matthew is a lifelong Republican, so he had no choice. Dave
: And why didn't you vote for me? Bill
: I still think I did. I guess this is one of those things we'll never know the full truth.
: You've broken my spirit. What can I do but turn around and go home? Now, could any of you lend me a quarter for the pay phone? Security Guard
: Here. Bill McNeal
: Ha! You've just signed your termination papers. I'm gonna call your supervisor and have you both fired. Guard #2
: Should we tell him that phone is out of order? Security Guard
: Nah, I think he'll figure it out.
: Thanks for helping me get by those two idiots. Lisa
: Bill, they're not idiots, they're just doing their job. Bill McNeal
: Right, just like those guys at the bank were just doing their job when they repossessed my farm. Lisa
: You never owned a farm. Bill McNeal
: Farm, boat, same difference.
: Sing it PRETTY. Like me. Beth
: My mother always told me I had a pretty voice. Bill
: Well my mother dressed me up like a girl until I was nine. They make mistakes.
: Why are we even doing this? Beth
: Because lighting the WNYX Christmas tree was always Matthew's favorite holiday tradition. Bill
: I thought Matthew's favorite holiday traditon was making nativity scenes with Marvel Comics action figures.
: Did you see the hot babe by Catherine's desk? Get a load of the warheads on that battleship. Dave
: That's Ruth, Mr. James' fiancée to be. Bill McNeal
: And a fine woman she is, sir.
: [slaps Bill
] Get a hold of yourself! Bill McNeal
: What did you do that for? I was perfectly calm. Catherine Duke
: I believe in preemptive medicine.
: I hear you're opening for the great one. Dave
: Tell me, where do you get your misguided confidence? Bill McNeal
: Not confidence, Dave. Experience. I have spoken in front of dozens of fraternal organizations across this great land of ours. Dave
: Really? Bill McNeal
: Shriners, Lions clubs, Elk lodges. It's like I'm their king or something. Dave
: A kingdom of fat men in little cars. You must be very proud.
: Do I hear the plaintive cry of the crested North American quitter?
: When I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to another radio station as we broadcasters sometimes do. What I heard shocked and saddened me. I heard a broadcaster, who will go unnamed, use the word penis on the air. At nine in the morning, not just once but twice, he said... that word twice. Now as a broadcaster freedom of speech is my bread and butter, but I'm also a big fan of a little thing called decency, the meat in the broadcasting sandwich. I am personally outraged by the shock tactics our competitors are using in pursuit of the all mighty ratings. Freedom of speech is one thing, the word penis is another.
: I need you to sign off on today's installment of the McNeil Perspective. This one is kind of a hot topic. Dave Nelson
: Oh, really? Let me guess. Is this the third installment of your series on why people should be allowed to smoke in movie theaters like in the olden days? Bill
: No, no. I think I was really just preaching to the converted on that one. But it did generate some interesting mail. Dave Nelson
: Ah, yeah. Are you referring to the letter that described you as Andy Rooney without a sense of humor? Bill
: Nonsense. *Andy Rooney* is Andy Rooney without a sense of humor.
: Presenting "Dave the Insane Maniac," a play in one act, by Beth and Bill.
[Bill walks in on his knees, holding a coffee mug
: Hello, Dave. Bill
: [High-pitched voice
] Hello, employee. You look miserable and oppressed. Beth
: I am. We can't take taxicabs home anymore. Bill
: Excelent! That's good news to me. You see, I'm from Wis-cahn-sin, where taxicabs are feared and hunted for the delicious meat under their hoods. Beth
: Comedy... Bill
: Or tragedy? Beth
: You be the judge.
: Did Thomas Edison give up? Bill
: Thomas Edison wasn't trying to invent something that was readily available in a wide variety of stores near his home.
[Matthew is opposed to Mr. James' sale of the station
: Something must be done, Bill. Action must be taken! Bill
: Why don't you handcuff yourself to your desk or something? Matthew
: Yeah, right, where am I gonna find a pair of handcuffs?
[without missing a beat, Bill casually pulls out a pair of handcuffs from his desk drawer
: Yours is not to reason why, yours is but to do or die. John Keats, 1776.
: Can I have my cuffs back? Matthew Brock
: I already gave them to you. Bill McNeal
: No you didn't. Matthew Brock
: They're around your left ankle. Goodbye, Bill.
[after Matthew gets a "promotion."
: Is Matthew superior to me? Dave
: You mean genetically? Bill
: No, just in this office? Dave
: No. Bill
: Good. How about genetically? Dave
: Well, he is ambidextrous. Bill
: Congratulations, Matthew. On behalf of everyone here in this office, I would just like to say, nobody gives a damn.
: I take the complaint box very seriously and I seem to be the only one who does. Bill
: A complaint about the complaint box, delicious.
: The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend. Dave
: Soul. Bill
: To those who have one, yes.
: Are there any instructions? Joe Garrelli
: Yeah. Don't push that button unless you want to incapacitate someone for a full half hour. Bill McNeal
: Incapacitate? Joe Garrelli
: Yeah, it delivers three, four-hundred volts of electricity to the system at four amps. Instant temporary paralysis. I call it the Stalker Shocker. Bill McNeal
: Yes, I see you've written it here in Magic Marker.
: Joe, this doesn't look like a stun gun. Joe Garrelli
: And this doesn't look like a megaphone, but watch this. Joe Garrelli
: [Speaks into device; works like megaphone
] Red Sox suck!
: Lose something, Bill? Bill McNeal
: I'm just looking for coffee. Dave Nelson
: Are you sure you're not looking for some erotic literature? Bill McNeal
: Is that Canadian for porno mag?
: Hello, children. Welcome to the magical world of radio. Bill's Kid
: Shut up, Spaz! Bill McNeal
: That one's mine.
[Kid runs in, trips and falls
] Matthew Brock
: And that one's mine.
: For once, can't you be sincere and normal? Bill McNeal
: Not in real life, no. Dave
: What do you mean, "in real life"? Bill McNeal
: When I'm on the air, I open up completely, really bare my soul. Dave
: You do news, weather and traffic. Bill McNeal
: Yes, but I mean it.
: When I think of my heroes, what names come up? Thelonious Monk, of course; John Coltrane; Jack Kerouac; Carl Vonnegut; and last but not least, that man known only as Jimbo. So to that man, I dedicate this next song. Let's take a slow ride with Foghat.
: I don't see what's wrong with the sandwich machine. Beth
: What's wrong is that they only change the sandwiches every few months. Catherine Duke
: Has anyone even had one of those dried-up, leathery things? Bill McNeal
: What are we discussing? Dave
: The sandwich machine by the stairway. Bill McNeal
: Best sandwiches in the city. They're an acquired taste, but like wine and cheese, a good sandwich needs to be aged properly. In the olden days, a pheasant would be aged for weeks before it was suitable for consumption. Lisa Miller
: In the olden days, people died of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
: I don't see how you can eat those sandwiches. Bill McNeal
: I'll admit they're not what you would call conventionally tasty. I guess they just remind me of the sandwiches my mom used to make. Dave
: Your mom made you sandwiches like that? Bill McNeal
: She used to make a month's worth in advance and put them for me on a box out in the porch. She was quite a woman. Dave
: I'll bet she was.
: [on Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor
] They don't serve this at bars. They serve it under bridges and on street corners. Bill McNeal
: I should ask about our local distributor.
: Tell them that there is a spunky redhead down here. Joe Garrelli
: I don't know how to tell you this, but there's a spunky redhead in every office. Beth
: Tell me about it. Bill McNeal
: [looks at a picture on Dave's desk
] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something. Dave Nelson
: Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom. Bill McNeal
: Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.
: Let's see. Go to a movie, or spend the night in Spaz's kitchen with a bunch of shut-ins? Matthew
: Bill, they're not shut-ins. They're just people who choose to stay at home. Bill McNeal
: Right, beacause it's a full time job taking care of 27 stray cats, each named after a child they never had.
: Wait a minute. I'm hanging 14 floors up with a guy attached to my harness which is on the verge of neutering me and now you want to take my story away?
: It wasn't even jail... it was "juvie". Bill
: Is anybody else turned on right now?
: Have you read the interview yet? Bill McNeal
: No. Dave
: Great. Why don't I autograph that for you? Bill McNeal
: Autograph? So it's gone to his head already. I like your style. Dave
: Oh, I'm not going to do it now. Uh, no, I need-I need a little time to, uh, think of, you know, uh, le mot juste. Bill McNeal
: More juice - I hear ya.
: Say, Bill, where's your manly man? Joe
: Gentlemen's gentlemen. Bill
: Cadbury's gone. Joe
: If I was that dude, I would have quit a long time ago. Bill
: Oh, he didn't quit. Beth
: You fired him already? Bill
: No. Cadbury got up early this morning and left, and stole my wallet, my credit cards, my TV, my stereo, by fridge and most of my furniture. Beth
: Did you call the police? Bill
: Yes, and I explained the whole story. Joe
: What did they say? Bill
: I believe their exact words were, "what kind of jackass hires a discount butler from a classified ad in the local Pennysaver?" Then I became verbally abusive and they hung up on me.
: Don't you think I should do the Al Gore interview? Because phone interviews keep me alert and if I'm not alert I might just start reading the news veeery slooowly, liiike thiiiis. Ed Harlow
: I will see what I can do. Bill McNeal
: Thanks, buddy. I know you'll make the right deciiiisiooon.
: Plan B is not a plan at all, it's a witch hunt. Andrea
: Don't be silly. Bill McNeal
: If anyone here is a witch, it's Beth. Look at how she dresses. Case closed. And yes, I must be Bill.
: And remember, people, it's not whether you win or lose, because we are all going to lose in every possible category.
: Sorry I'm late. I was... meditating. Catherine Duke
: You were sleeping. Bill
: Right, and Gandhi was just a silly little goof who slept for eighteen hours a day.
: This is how I relax, OK? If you think everyone is going to want to see this, go ahead. Tear that the wall.
: [Matthew has just accidentally killed the WNYX staff, leaving he and Bill as the last humans in existence
] Now what? Bill McNeal
: Well, I guess it's up to us to start a new race of human beings. Matthew Brock
: Oh, right. But no gay stuff, OK?