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[after Max's "this day in history" segment
] Lisa Miller
: The Marines did not have a luau to celebrate the battle of Guadalcanal. Max Lewis
: I know. I wanted "La Bamba."
: [about Matthew
] He's acting so weird. Beth
: Kind of like your mother? Max Lewis
: No, he's nicer than my mother.
: In this date in 1777, there was a lull in fighting at Valley Forge. Why don't we take the opportunity to make a person-to-person call to General George Washington on the Max Louis history phone.
] Max Lewis
: Hello? Is this the father of our country? Joe Garrelli
: Yeah. Max Lewis
: Mr. Washington, I understand your rag tag band of revolutionaries is having a rough time. Joe Garrelli
: Sucks, dude. Max Lewis
: What is your stategy for dealing with the waves of incoming British troops? Joe Garrelli
: The only strategy I know: a straight-up, street-smart, all-American ass kicking! Max Lewis
: You've heard it first, you've heard it live, on Max Lewis's This Day in History!
: How could you do that? Max Lewis
: Do what? Lisa Miller
: Steal my idea. "This Day In History" was my idea. Max Lewis
: You should be glad that I took your little idea and gave it a little of that Max Louis pinish. Lisa Miller
: First of all, the word is pronounced "panache", and second of all, it was incredibly inaccurate. Max Lewis
: That's part of the pinish!
: This time just keep it simple, get in and get out. Joe Garrelli
] Get in, get out! Got it! Lisa Miller
: Joe, you don't have to yell. Max Lewis
: Take off your earplugs! Joe Garrelli
: I'm not wearing them, I'm just pumped!
: Matthew, did you proofread that article I gave you? Matthew Brock
: Nope. Max Lewis
: Why not? Matthew Brock
: Because I didn't feel like it. Max Lewis
: Isn't that kind of your job? Matthew Brock
: Oh, so now my job is to serve the great Max Louis? Why don't you go ask some other jackass, cause this one ain't listening!
[Gives Max a quarter
] Matthew Brock
: Here, go find a pay phone and call someone who cares. Max Lewis
: Hey! Pay phones are 35 cents now.
: Johnny, Mr. James might be going to prison. Why are we celebrating? Dave
: Care to take this one, Dave? Max
: Johnny wants Jimmy in jail. It is all part of his evil plan. You know, the evil plan I've been warning you about. Johnny Johnson
: Mr. James, I would just like to say that, unlike some people here, I never fell for Johnny for a second. Dave
: That's a lie. You've been jumping around Johnny like a trained monkey. Max
: Quick question. Who here doesn't like a tattle tale? Show of hands.
: Mr. James, I just want you to know I am no longer friends with Johnny. I cannnot be friends with some one who would hurt you so badly. Jimmy
: That's good, Max.
[Johnny Johnson passes by
: Hey, boss. Hot towel?
[gives Johnny a towel
: [to Jimmy
] It's lukewarm at best.
: Why was I not invited to the anti-Johnny Johnson movement? Dave
: Because you love him. Max
: Why won't you be a man for once in your life and take responsibility for my actions?
: I have spring fever, and there's only one cure for that. Lisa
: What's her problem? Max
: Beth thinks I'm only quitting to get her to go out with me. Jimmy
: Are you? Max
: No, although I'm not averse to a quickie.
: Max, how do I know you won't do anything this moronic in the future? Max
: You can't.
[Max is eating a sandwich
] Dave Nelson
: Max. That's my lunch. Max Lewis
: Really? I don't see your name on it.
[Dave holds up the lunch bag, and it is clearly labeled "DAVE"
] Max Lewis
: Well, I don't see your name on the actual sandwich.
: Do we have a deal? Beth
: Yes, we have a deal. Max Lewis
: I prefer to seal deals like this with a kiss. Beth
: I choose prison.
: Max, the break room is not your personal hunting ground. Max Lewis
: I know. I prefer to think of it as a game preserve, where everyone is free to take their best shot.
: [Max finds out about Dave and Lisa's previous relationship, and Joe put a webcam in the break room
] Who needs the Internet? I got sex right here.
: To a foodie, a gourmet kitchen is indispensable. Lisa
: A "foodie"? Max
: Someone who appreciates - nay, adores - food.
[Sticks out his stomach for emphasis
: In other words, a glutton. Max
: In other words, a connoisseur.
: It's gonna be tough to decide between you two. Max Lewis
: Well, I have a solution that avoids the problem all together. Jimmy
: Oh, you do? Max Lewis
: I have decided to vote. Dave
: That's great, Max. Max Lewis
: ...for myself. I want this apartment - and I shall *have it*!
: Max, everyone is just a little bit weird. Max
: I collect buttons. Dave
: That sounds like a normal hobby. Max
: And rubber bands. I put peanut butter on absolutely everything, even steak. Dave
: Well, it's an acquired taste, but it's hardly... Max
: I still have the sweater my mother knitted for me when I was a baby. Dave
: That's sweet. Max
: ...and I'm wearing it right now.
: So I can just be myself? Dave
: Yes. Max
: Indulge my likes and dislikes? Dave
: Yes. Max
: Feel free to express my opinions? Dave
: Absolutely! Max
: Can I use my own voice? Dave
: Max, I would like nothing more. Max
: [Speaking in Dave's voice
] Dave, I can't thank you enough. Dave
: Oh, that's just... Ew!
: And I put aluminum foil on all my windows. Dave
: To keep out the light? Max
: No, to keep them clean, only it doesn't work.
: Listen, I have something to tell you and it's not very easy and I would just like to sit down. Lisa doesn't have a crush on me, and that was just a big stupid lie that I made up because I want to tell how much I really feel about you. Beth
: Oh, so you just lie to me over and over and over? Max
: Sort of. Beth
: Why? Max
: Because I was embarrassed. Beth
: Max, Max, you didn't need to be embarrassed. Max
: Well then, do you forgive me? Beth
: Not a chance in hell you LOSER! Lisa
: So how did that go? Max
: Not very well. Lisa
: That's OK, Beth doesn't stay really mad for long. Beth
: I hate you and I hope you get run over by a bus!
: I don't want her to think I'm pathetic. Lisa Miller
: You are pathetic. Max Lewis
: Well, obviously!
: All dogs are male, all cats are female. Lisa Miller
: Daisy is most definitely, and I mean definitely, a girl. Max Lewis
: We're not disputing that. It's not a matter of sex, it's a matter of gender. Lisa Miller
: Sex and gender are the same thing. Max Lewis
: Not so. I definitely prefer sex to gender. Lisa Miller
: Well, seeing as you have neither, that must be very sad for you.
: Beth, what are you doing? Beth
: Lisa's puppy is licking peanut butter off my hand. Dave Nelson
: Oh, Lisa? Lisa Miller
: [Comes out of Dave's office with puppy
] Yeah? Beth
: Ew! Max Lewis
: [Coming out from under table
] For future reference, I prefer chunky.
: I'm still going to build the towers, only I'm going to build them in London. Max Lewis
: You mean London, England? Jimmy
: Home of the American Werewolf! Max Lewis
: But won't that destroy London like it would have destroyed New York?
[Lisa and Mr. James laughing
: Who gives a damn about London?
[Lisa and Mr. James high-five
: Let me ask you a question. What do millionaires do when they want to leave a legacy? Max Lewis
: Let their fingernails grow long and save their urine in jars. Jimmy
: Well, some do, but this one is going to build a big-ass building!
: You know, I can help you with that. Lisa
: Help me with what, Max? Max
: Your speech impediment. Lisa
: I don't have a speech impediment. Max
: You have a classic sibilant S. Lisa
: I do not have a sibilant S. Max
: I do not have a sssibilant Ssss. Lisa
: That's not how I sound. Max
: That's not how I sssound. Lisa
: Stop it! Max
: Ssstop it. Lisa
: Shut up! Max
: Shut up... ssss.
: Max, if you try any of that mind-trick stuff on me, I'll be on you like ugly on a ape. Max
: Like ugly on *an* ape. Jimmy
: Get out of here!
: I speak for the whole staff. Jimmy
: Max, does Beth speak for you? Max Lewis
: No. Jimmy
: Then why are you helping her? Max Lewis
: Because she's a pretty girl with red hair.
: I know when I'm not wanted... and that's when I'm needed the most.
: I have a half-finished novel on my desk at home. One day, I may finish it. Jimmy
: You wrote half a novel? Max
: I read half a novel.
: I want an assistant. Dave
: You can't have an assistant and a couch. Max Lewis
: I choose couch! Dave
: Somehow I thought you would.
: Hey, Johnny. Did you hear me? Johnny Johnson
: Sorry, missed it. I'll catch you next time. Max Lewis
: Aw, I can't do it if you're not listening, boss. Dave
: Yes, you can. Max Lewis
: I wasn't talking to you!
[after Lisa rejects Johnny
] Max Lewis
: I thought you were going to be easy on him. Lisa
: Isn't that what you wanted? Jimmy
: We wanted you to crush him, not break his heart. Max Lewis
: He hit rock bottom, and then you dug a hole even deeper than that and pushed him in it. Jimmy
] That poor, loveable wino! Max Lewis
: Better find yourself a new roommate, Lisa, because I don't know how you can live with yourself.
: Would you like to hear a story? Jimmy
: Is it about how you fight like a girl? Max Lewis
: That is a long and painful story. Maybe another time.
: Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that Johnny is evil. Dave
: All right? Max Lewis
: Doesn't it make you want to serve him all the more? Dave
: No, it doesn't. Max Lewis
: I just don't get you, man.
: What's the Virginia Reel? Max Lewis
: The original forbidden dance.
: You there! Who are you? Joe Garrelli
: Joe, the electrician. Max Lewis
: I don't have time for names! Tell me about the news! Joe Garrelli
: You mean the crap they pass off as news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to know? Max Lewis
: You are no help to me and obviously drunk!