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Quotes for
Max Lewis (Character)
from "NewsRadio" (1995)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"NewsRadio: Noise (#5.4)" (1998)
[after Max's "this day in history" segment]
Lisa Miller: The Marines did not have a luau to celebrate the battle of Guadalcanal.
Max Lewis: I know. I wanted "La Bamba."

Max Lewis: [about Matthew] He's acting so weird.
Beth: Kind of like your mother?
Max Lewis: No, he's nicer than my mother.

Max Lewis: In this date in 1777, there was a lull in fighting at Valley Forge. Why don't we take the opportunity to make a person-to-person call to General George Washington on the Max Louis history phone.
[Phone rings]
Max Lewis: Hello? Is this the father of our country?
Joe Garrelli: Yeah.
Max Lewis: Mr. Washington, I understand your rag tag band of revolutionaries is having a rough time.
Joe Garrelli: Sucks, dude.
Max Lewis: What is your stategy for dealing with the waves of incoming British troops?
Joe Garrelli: The only strategy I know: a straight-up, street-smart, all-American ass kicking!
Max Lewis: You've heard it first, you've heard it live, on Max Lewis's This Day in History!

Lisa Miller: How could you do that?
Max Lewis: Do what?
Lisa Miller: Steal my idea. "This Day In History" was my idea.
Max Lewis: You should be glad that I took your little idea and gave it a little of that Max Louis pinish.
Lisa Miller: First of all, the word is pronounced "panache", and second of all, it was incredibly inaccurate.
Max Lewis: That's part of the pinish!

Lisa Miller: This time just keep it simple, get in and get out.
Joe Garrelli: [shouting] Get in, get out! Got it!
Lisa Miller: Joe, you don't have to yell.
Max Lewis: Take off your earplugs!
Joe Garrelli: I'm not wearing them, I'm just pumped!

Max Lewis: Matthew, did you proofread that article I gave you?
Matthew Brock: Nope.
Max Lewis: Why not?
Matthew Brock: Because I didn't feel like it.
Max Lewis: Isn't that kind of your job?
Matthew Brock: Oh, so now my job is to serve the great Max Louis? Why don't you go ask some other jackass, cause this one ain't listening!
[Gives Max a quarter]
Matthew Brock: Here, go find a pay phone and call someone who cares.
Max Lewis: Hey! Pay phones are 35 cents now.


"NewsRadio: Clash of the Titans (#5.8)" (1998)
Max: Johnny, Mr. James might be going to prison. Why are we celebrating?
Dave: Care to take this one, Dave?
Max: Johnny wants Jimmy in jail. It is all part of his evil plan. You know, the evil plan I've been warning you about.
Johnny Johnson: Bingo.

Max: Mr. James, I would just like to say that, unlike some people here, I never fell for Johnny for a second.
Dave: That's a lie. You've been jumping around Johnny like a trained monkey.
Max: Quick question. Who here doesn't like a tattle tale? Show of hands.

Max: Mr. James, I just want you to know I am no longer friends with Johnny. I cannnot be friends with some one who would hurt you so badly.
Jimmy: That's good, Max.
[Johnny Johnson passes by]
Max: Hey, boss. Hot towel?
[gives Johnny a towel]
Max: [to Jimmy] It's lukewarm at best.

Max: Why was I not invited to the anti-Johnny Johnson movement?
Dave: Because you love him.
Max: Jealous.


"NewsRadio: Ploy (#5.18)" (1999)
Max: Why won't you be a man for once in your life and take responsibility for my actions?

Max: I have spring fever, and there's only one cure for that.
Lisa: Euthanasia?

Jimmy: What's her problem?
Max: Beth thinks I'm only quitting to get her to go out with me.
Jimmy: Are you?
Max: No, although I'm not averse to a quickie.

Dave Nelson: Max, how do I know you won't do anything this moronic in the future?
Max: You can't.


"NewsRadio: Freaky Friday (#5.20)" (1999)
[Max is eating a sandwich]
Dave Nelson: Max. That's my lunch.
Max Lewis: Really? I don't see your name on it.
[Dave holds up the lunch bag, and it is clearly labeled "DAVE"]
Max Lewis: Well, I don't see your name on the actual sandwich.

Max Lewis: Do we have a deal?
Beth: Yes, we have a deal.
Max Lewis: I prefer to seal deals like this with a kiss.
Beth: I choose prison.

Dave Nelson: Max, the break room is not your personal hunting ground.
Max Lewis: I know. I prefer to think of it as a game preserve, where everyone is free to take their best shot.


"NewsRadio: Apartment (#5.12)" (1999)
Max: [Max finds out about Dave and Lisa's previous relationship, and Joe put a webcam in the break room] Who needs the Internet? I got sex right here.

Max: To a foodie, a gourmet kitchen is indispensable.
Lisa: A "foodie"?
Max: Someone who appreciates - nay, adores - food.
[Sticks out his stomach for emphasis]
Dave: In other words, a glutton.
Max: In other words, a connoisseur.

Beth: It's gonna be tough to decide between you two.
Max Lewis: Well, I have a solution that avoids the problem all together.
Jimmy: Oh, you do?
Max Lewis: I have decided to vote.
Dave: That's great, Max.
Max Lewis: ...for myself. I want this apartment - and I shall *have it*!


"NewsRadio: Lucky Burger (#5.3)" (1998)
Dave: Max, everyone is just a little bit weird.
Max: I collect buttons.
Dave: That sounds like a normal hobby.
Max: And rubber bands. I put peanut butter on absolutely everything, even steak.
Dave: Well, it's an acquired taste, but it's hardly...
Max: I still have the sweater my mother knitted for me when I was a baby.
Dave: That's sweet.
Max: ...and I'm wearing it right now.

Max: So I can just be myself?
Dave: Yes.
Max: Indulge my likes and dislikes?
Dave: Yes.
Max: Feel free to express my opinions?
Dave: Absolutely!
Max: Can I use my own voice?
Dave: Max, I would like nothing more.
Max: [Speaking in Dave's voice] Dave, I can't thank you enough.
Dave: Oh, that's just... Ew!

Max: And I put aluminum foil on all my windows.
Dave: To keep out the light?
Max: No, to keep them clean, only it doesn't work.


"NewsRadio: Flowers for Matthew (#5.5)" (1998)
Max: Listen, I have something to tell you and it's not very easy and I would just like to sit down. Lisa doesn't have a crush on me, and that was just a big stupid lie that I made up because I want to tell how much I really feel about you.
Beth: Oh, so you just lie to me over and over and over?
Max: Sort of.
Beth: Why?
Max: Because I was embarrassed.
Beth: Max, Max, you didn't need to be embarrassed.
Max: Well then, do you forgive me?
Beth: Not a chance in hell you LOSER!
Lisa: So how did that go?
Max: Not very well.
Lisa: That's OK, Beth doesn't stay really mad for long.
Beth: I hate you and I hope you get run over by a bus!

Max Lewis: I don't want her to think I'm pathetic.
Lisa Miller: You are pathetic.
Max Lewis: Well, obviously!


"NewsRadio: Hair (#5.14)" (1999)
Beth: All dogs are male, all cats are female.
Lisa Miller: Daisy is most definitely, and I mean definitely, a girl.
Max Lewis: We're not disputing that. It's not a matter of sex, it's a matter of gender.
Lisa Miller: Sex and gender are the same thing.
Max Lewis: Not so. I definitely prefer sex to gender.
Lisa Miller: Well, seeing as you have neither, that must be very sad for you.

Dave Nelson: Beth, what are you doing?
Beth: Lisa's puppy is licking peanut butter off my hand.
Dave Nelson: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa Miller: [Comes out of Dave's office with puppy] Yeah?
Beth: Ew!
Max Lewis: [Coming out from under table] For future reference, I prefer chunky.


"NewsRadio: Towers (#5.13)" (1999)
Jimmy: I'm still going to build the towers, only I'm going to build them in London.
Max Lewis: You mean London, England?
Jimmy: Home of the American Werewolf!
Max Lewis: But won't that destroy London like it would have destroyed New York?
[Lisa and Mr. James laughing]
Lisa: Who gives a damn about London?
[Lisa and Mr. James high-five]

Jimmy: Let me ask you a question. What do millionaires do when they want to leave a legacy?
Max Lewis: Let their fingernails grow long and save their urine in jars.
Jimmy: Well, some do, but this one is going to build a big-ass building!


"NewsRadio: Boston (#5.9)" (1998)
Max: You know, I can help you with that.
Lisa: Help me with what, Max?
Max: Your speech impediment.
Lisa: I don't have a speech impediment.
Max: You have a classic sibilant S.
Lisa: I do not have a sibilant S.
Max: I do not have a sssibilant Ssss.
Lisa: That's not how I sound.
Max: That's not how I sssound.
Lisa: Stop it!
Max: Ssstop it.
Lisa: Shut up!
Max: Shut up... ssss.

Jimmy: Max, if you try any of that mind-trick stuff on me, I'll be on you like ugly on a ape.
Max: Like ugly on *an* ape.
Jimmy: Get out of here!


"NewsRadio: Spooky Rapping Crypt (#5.10)" (1998)
Beth: I speak for the whole staff.
Jimmy: Max, does Beth speak for you?
Max Lewis: No.
Jimmy: Then why are you helping her?
Max Lewis: Because she's a pretty girl with red hair.

Max Lewis: I know when I'm not wanted... and that's when I'm needed the most.


"NewsRadio: Retirement (#5.21)" (1999)
Max: I have a half-finished novel on my desk at home. One day, I may finish it.
Jimmy: You wrote half a novel?
Max: I read half a novel.


"NewsRadio: Assistant (#5.15)" (1999)
Max Lewis: I want an assistant.
Dave: You can't have an assistant and a couch.
Max Lewis: I choose couch!
Dave: Somehow I thought you would.


"NewsRadio: Jail (#5.6)" (1998)
Max Lewis: Hey, Johnny. Did you hear me?
Johnny Johnson: Sorry, missed it. I'll catch you next time.
Max Lewis: Aw, I can't do it if you're not listening, boss.
Dave: Yes, you can.
Max Lewis: I wasn't talking to you!


"NewsRadio: Wino (#5.16)" (1999)
[after Lisa rejects Johnny]
Max Lewis: I thought you were going to be easy on him.
Lisa: Isn't that what you wanted?
Jimmy: We wanted you to crush him, not break his heart.
Max Lewis: He hit rock bottom, and then you dug a hole even deeper than that and pushed him in it.
Jimmy: [sobbing] That poor, loveable wino!
Max Lewis: Better find yourself a new roommate, Lisa, because I don't know how you can live with yourself.


"NewsRadio: Stinkbutt (#5.11)" (1999)
Max Lewis: Would you like to hear a story?
Jimmy: Is it about how you fight like a girl?
Max Lewis: That is a long and painful story. Maybe another time.


"NewsRadio: The Lam (#5.7)" (1998)
Max Lewis: Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that Johnny is evil.
Dave: All right?
Max Lewis: Doesn't it make you want to serve him all the more?
Dave: No, it doesn't.
Max Lewis: I just don't get you, man.


"NewsRadio: New Hampshire (#5.22)" (1999)
Beth: What's the Virginia Reel?
Max Lewis: The original forbidden dance.


"NewsRadio: Meet the Max Louis (#5.2)" (1998)
Max Lewis: You there! Who are you?
Joe Garrelli: Joe, the electrician.
Max Lewis: I don't have time for names! Tell me about the news!
Joe Garrelli: You mean the crap they pass off as news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to know?
Max Lewis: You are no help to me and obviously drunk!