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: Well, looky here. How's everything, Mr. chairman, Mr. CEO? Matthew
: Not so good. Jimmy
: The job is a lot tougher than you though, huh? Matthew
: Yeah, yeah. It is. Jimmy
: Well, let me show you something. I made $200.00 online in your name. Matthew
: Oh, that's funny, because I was just online trading in your name. Jimmy
: Well, see you can't do that. You don't have access. You don't know my secret password. Matthew
: You mean Marianne? Jimmy
: How did you know that? Matthew
: Well, it's Dave's mom's name, so I figured... Jimmy
: Wait, wait, wait a minute, hold on. Matthew, son? Matthew
] Yes, sir? Jimmy
: How much did you lose? Matthew
: All of it. Jimmy
: How much? Matthew
: $7 Billion dollars. You're welcome to borrow the $200.00 if you like.
: This is just like that movie, Freaky Friday. Only you're the mom... Jimmy
: ...and you're Jodie Foster. Matthew
: [Matthew is holding a spear gun
] Dude, what are you doing? Matthew
: What? What? Joe Garrelli
: That's a loaded spear gun! Matthew
: I know. I'm not a complete idiot.
[Spear gun goes off, hits photo on wall
: Oh my God! Maybe I am a complete idiot.
: Mr. James' job is not as easy as I thought. I'm having a little computer trouble. Joe Garrelli
: What kind of trouble? Matthew
: Can't turn it on.
: Bring me a virgin banana daiquiri, easy on the virgin.
: Believe me, I have seen my dark side, and it is yucky.
: Let's see. Go to a movie, or spend the night in Spaz's kitchen with a bunch of shut-ins? Matthew
: Bill, they're not shut-ins. They're just people who choose to stay at home. Bill McNeal
: Right, beacause it's a full time job taking care of 27 stray cats, each named after a child they never had.
: Matthew, Bill lies to you because he thinks it's funny. Matthew
: I don't see what's so funny about it. Dave Nelson
: Well, that's kind of the point. Matthew
] Oh, now it get it.
: Are you coming, Joe? Joe Garrelli
: What's the book? Matthew
: Moby Dick. Joe Garrelli
: Read it. Matthew
: Good, then you can discuss it. Joe Garrelli
: The only reason to discuss a book is to prove that you've read it, and I read it. The whale eats Gregory Peck, end of discussion.
: Sorry I'm late. My chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced. Matthew Brock
: I hear that. Lisa Miller
: Matthew, you wore a corset? Matthew Brock
: Not any more, I can tell you that much.
: All I'm saying, and this goes for all of you, is that there have been iceberg sightings.
] Lisa Miller
: Icebergs? Please, Dave, get real. Matthew Brock
] Look out! I'm a big old iceberg and I'm coming to get Dave!
: Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet. Matthew Brock
: Aw, gee whiz! Dave
: Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it. Matthew Brock
: Darn. Dave
: Matthew! Matthew Brock
: Shucks! Dave
: Well, I never!
: Well, I'm making a swim for it. Which way's New York? Matthew Brock
: There it is over there. Lisa Miller
: Matthew, that's an iceberg!
[Talking about his vacation in Japan
: Oh, Dave, oh my, you would-you would have loved it. A week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs... Dave
: Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I've been to Canada.
: [Matthew has given him a Hello Kitty backpack
] Oh, Matthew, I can't accept this. Matthew
: Oh, no, please. Bill
: Beause I am neither Japanese, fourteen years old, nor a girl.
: In fact, in Japan they got all kinds of different things to eat. Bill
: Yeah, I know, Matthew, it's called Chinese food. Shut up.
: I'm not sure I can handle this. Do you know what a big James Caan fan I am? I mean, he's like the real life Don Corleone. Dave Nelson
: No he isn't. That was Marlon Brando. James Caan played Sonny Corleone. Matthew Brock
: Oh, I've watched that movie so many times I can't tell who's who anymore.
: I loved you in Thunderball. James Caan
: Actually, I wasn't in Thunderball. You must be thinking of Rollerball. Matthew Brock
: Yeah, but when I watch Thunderball, I wish you were in it.
: I can't believe I threw up on James Caan. Bill McNeal
: I can't believe he just laughed it off. Matthew Brock
: I can't believe he didn't punch me. Bill McNeal
: I can't believe he did punch me.
: Joe, you do not know hypnotism. Joe Garrelli
: Sure I do. Watch this. Chicken.
[Matthew clucks like a chicken
] Joe Garrelli
: Human. Matthew Brock
: What up? Jimmy James
: That's very impressive. Joe Garrelli
: Thank you. Dave Nelson
: No, Joe just told him to do that. Joe Garrelli
: Dave, with Matthew, telling him to do something is hypnotism.
: Look, Mr.James! Over there! It's Vietnam! Jimmy James
: Joe, Matthew is making me see Vietnam in the foyer! Joe Garrelli
: What? Matthew, Vietnam is not in the foyer. Matthew Brock
: I just calls it like I sees them. Joe Garrelli
: Mr. James, that is not Vietnam. Jimmy James
: Then what is it? Joe Garrelli
: It's a magical candy land with gumdrop mountains. Jimmy James
: Oh, yeah. Thanks, Joe.
: I thought hippies were cool. Jimmy James
: They're not, they are pure evil with hatred in their hearts. Matthew Brock
: Wow. Live and learn.
: [Can't work because of a strike
] Do you know what holds this station together? Beth
: Gravity? Joe Garrelli
: No! The sweat of my brow, the grace of God, and thousands of miles of my home-made duct tape! I can feel this station falling apart around me, and I'm powerless to stop it. Beth
: Why don't you just fix things a little? Joe Garrelli
: I can't, I took an oath. Matthew Brock
: Joe, I just wanted you to know the coffee maker's broken. Joe Garrelli
: Damn you, Jimmy Hoffa! Matthew Brock
: No, actuallly, that was me.
: Matthew, reformat these expense reports and send them to accounting. Matthew Brock
: I'm not good at reformating. Bill
: Then learn. Matthew Brock
: I'm not good at learning, either.
: But he's evil! Beth
: Is he, Dave, is he, or is it just a reflection of your cold black heart? Matthew Brock
: Just shut up and get back to work! Scram! Damn hippy.
: Dave, we have to get rid of that door. Dave Nelson
: No, we don't. Matthew Brock
: Yes, we do. A bird just died flying into it. Dave Nelson
[They go look
] Matthew Brock
: See? There it is. Dave Nelson
: Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen. Matthew Brock
: The poor thing. Dave Nelson
: You didn't even bother to defrost it.
: I have a very important question. Dave Nelson
: Of course, Matthew. In case a magical wizard casts a spell on us...
] Frodo was a paranoid gnome...
: Now look, this is just like in high school. In high school we all liked sitting at the cool table, right?
] Matthew Brock
: Wait a minute. You all got to sit at the cool table? What was that like? Beth
: It was cool.
: Last year I won the best costume contest, came in third place. Dave
: What did you go as? Matthew Brock
: Motorcycle enthusiast. Joe Garrelli
: Gay biker. Matthew Brock
: The label clearly said "motorcycle enthusiast."
: Are you saying you actually believe in fortunetelling, Bill? Bill McNeal
: As did Socrates, Julius Caesar and Napoleon. It is the wisest man who knows there is a lot he does not know. Matthew Brock
: I know.
: Have you even made out with a chick? Matthew Brock
: Lots of times. I've had some sex, just not final sex. I mean, I've gotten close. Joe Garrelli
: How close?
[Matthew puts his hands about two feet apart
] Joe Garrelli
: I have no idea what that means.
[Positions his hands vertically
] Joe Garrelli
: Oh, now I get it.
: Dude, there is only one way to deal with a woman like that. Matthew Brock
: What's that? Joe Garrelli
: You get down on your hands and knees and you beg her to have sex with you. Beth
: He's right. Men get on their hands and knees for me all the time, and I don't look like that. Joe Garrelli
: They have to get on their hands and knees just to look at you face to face.
: Everyone, I've decided to not have sex with Irene. Dave
: Well, that is a decision only you can make, and by that I mean that is a decision only *you* can make.
: So Dave's Canadian. So what? Everyone here is from different places. Joe, where is your family from? Joe Garrelli
: Italy. Bill McNeal
: And Beth? Beth
: Ireland. Bill McNeal
: How about you, Catherine? Catherine Duke
: Africa. Matthew Brock
: Really, you're from Africa? Bill McNeal
: And Matthew, of course, is from Neptune. I, myself, am descended from the Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower from... Portugal, or somewhere.
: So Catherine, where in Africa are you from? Catherine Duke
: Shut up, Matthew. Matthew Brock
: Say something in African. Catherine Duke
: Shut the...
: [Looking at Dave's birth certificate
] Ooh, look at those tiny little feet. Beth
: Still the same size.
[Matthew does a story on Joey Buttafuco
: Matthew, I think you mispronounced that guy's name a few times. Matthew Brock
: What, it's uh, Joey Buttafu... Dave Nelson
: No it isn't, Matthew! It's, uh, Buttafuoco. Butta-foo-co. Matthew Brock
: What did I say? Dave Nelson
: Well, Matthew, of all the possible mispronunciations of that name, you seem to have stumbled upon absolutely the worst one.
: Mister James? Jimmy James
: Present. Matthew Brock
: Buttafuoco. Jimmy James
: Well, Buttafuoco to you too, Matthew. If you said it that way on the air, we probably wouldn't have lost two sponsors this morning. Matthew Brock
: Oh, my God!
: I'm just glad you didn't do a story about Forrest Tucker. Matthew Brock
: I-I-I don't get it. Jimmy James
: Think about it.
[Matthew is giving a tour of the radio station
: And the microphone, as we all know, was invented by a man by the name of Charles D. Microphone. Teenager
: No, it wasn't. Matthew
: I'm afraid it was.
: Just because all the women are gone doesn't give you license to behave like animals. Bill
: Why not? Dave
: I'm just saying don't get too comfortable, seeing as they will all be back tomorrow. Lisa
: I'm a woman. Matthew
: But you're different. Lisa
: No, Matthew, *you're* different.
: This is Dave Epithicus-erectus, one of the very few in captivity. His diet consists of black coffee and sarcasm.
: I'll have my man break him down Baretta-style. Joe
: Baretta-style interrogation will cost you $15. Matthew
: What can I get for $5? Joe
: Starsky interrogation. Matthew
: What about Hutch? Joe
: I'll give you both for $7.50. Matthew
: Too rich for my blood.
: Hey Joe, any luck? Joe
: No. And I talked to the guards downstairs in the lobby and he hasn't passed through, so he's still in the building. Dave
: That's so ODD. Matthew
: No, Dave, it isn't odd, it is reality, and you'd better buckle your seatbelt, because reality SUCKS! Dave
: Ever been bitch-slapped?
: I know why he was fired from all those jobs. Dave
: Why? Matthew
: Because I hate him.
: What the hell is this? Jimmy
: I put it on your desk for you. It's one of those executive stress relievers. It looks like a little alien. Joe Garrelli
: No it doesn't. Beth
: See, whenever you feel stressed, you squeeze it like this. Matthew Brock
: David, I'm going to adopt six cats for you.
[Dave squeezes the stress reliever so hard, it explodes
: Thanks, that really did the trick.
: Matthew, did you proofread that article I gave you? Matthew Brock
: Nope. Max Lewis
: Why not? Matthew Brock
: Because I didn't feel like it. Max Lewis
: Isn't that kind of your job? Matthew Brock
: Oh, so now my job is to serve the great Max Louis? Why don't you go ask some other jackass, cause this one ain't listening!
[Gives Max a quarter
] Matthew Brock
: Here, go find a pay phone and call someone who cares. Max Lewis
: Hey! Pay phones are 35 cents now.
: Why did we go to Hawaii together? Lisa Miller
: That was a dream. Matthew Brock
: Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Lisa Miller
: All right then. How was it? Matthew Brock
: Not that good, actually. Lisa Miller
: I'm sorry.
: You slept in my apartment? Matthew Brock
: Well, you were sleeping here, so I just assumed that's what you wanted. Besides, I had a date. Lisa Miller
: You brought a date to my apartment? Matthew Brock
: Yes, and by the way, thank you. Enough said.
: Matthew, I would like your input on something. Matthew Brock
: What up? Dave
: Catherine is sick today, and I want to put Lisa up on the booth. Matthew Brock
: My input on that is that I should do it.
: You know why he's doing this, right? He's threatened by us. Matthew Brock
: Yeah, he's totally threatening us. Lisa
: Threatened *by* us. Matthew Brock
: Oh, right.
: My boss is pretty strict, so I can't get any of you free food, except for Bill.
: Dave, when am I getting my job back? Dave
: You have to have patient, Matthew. We're doing the best we can. Matthew
: Well, I'm doing my part. Dave
: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely what got you fired in the first place.
: Joe, who's the black undercover dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Joe
: Why, I believe that would be Shaft, Bill. Bill
: Mmm-hmm. And who's the cat who won't cop out when there is danger all about? Joe
: Once again Bill, you are referring to Shaft. You know, they say that Shaft is one bad mutha... Matthew
: Just shut up, you guys. Jimmy
: What're you guys doing? Bill
: Were just talking about Shaft. Jimmy
: I can dig it.
: Don't tell Mr. James anything, but here's what we're gonna do. We'll pool all the bonus money and divide it equally among everyone. Beth
: So everyone gets the same bonus. Dave
: That's right. Matthew
: And no one gets the shaft. Dave
: Exactly. Matthew
: I think this idea is a winner. I like it. Bill
: This idea is both fair and democratic. Dave
: Thank you, Bill. Bill
: And I want no part of it. It reeks of communism, and penalizes the person who most deserves the big bonus, and speaking as that person, I cannot support it.
: And besides, you had no right to make Matthew do your work for you. Bill McNeal
: I didn't make him do it. I paid him. Quite handsomely, I might add. Matthew Brock
: Oh, let's just, let's just say I was persuaded by Bill's friends, mister...
[Looks at money
] Matthew Brock
: ...ah, Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Washington, and...
[Looks at quarter
] Matthew Brock
: Oh, Mr. Washington again.
: Have you ever heard rap music? Beth
: Does Sir Mix-A-Lot like booty? Bill McNeal
: It's an outrage! Listen to this, actual rap lyrics. "Life ain't nothin' but gritches and money", only they don't say "gritches", they say a certain word that rhymes with it that starts with a B. Matthew Brock
: [after Bill scares him and he almost spills his coffee
] Nice try, Bill, but you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to... Beth
: Matthew, do you have the time? Matthew Brock
: Yeah, it's...
[Looks at his watch, accidentally spilling his coffee all over his shirt
: I thought I smelled Dave's burning flesh. This is new, having the bitch session in the office of the bitchee. Matthew Brock
: It's more exciting because it's taboo.
[Matthew is opposed to Mr. James' sale of the station
: Something must be done, Bill. Action must be taken! Bill
: Why don't you handcuff yourself to your desk or something? Matthew
: Yeah, right, where am I gonna find a pair of handcuffs?
[without missing a beat, Bill casually pulls out a pair of handcuffs from his desk drawer
: Yours is not to reason why, yours is but to do or die. John Keats, 1776.
: Can I have my cuffs back? Matthew Brock
: I already gave them to you. Bill McNeal
: No you didn't. Matthew Brock
: They're around your left ankle. Goodbye, Bill.
[Mr. James sees Matthew's new mustache
: What's the story with your face, son? Matthew
: Oh, yeah, this is something I grew out on vacation, well, you know, make myself sexier. Jimmy
: Yeah, well every man has the right to sex himself up however he seems fit, but you, you look like you belong in an amatuer porn convention. Matthew
: Thank you. Jimmy
: No, Matthew... I tell you what, let me show you something.
[Mr. James pulls a picture from his pocket
: Are you ready? Matthew
: Yeah. Jimmy
: No, I don't think you're ready. Matthew
: Yeah, I am. Jimmy
: Okay. Who's that ?
[Shows the picture to Matthew
: Oh God. Jimmy
: Yep, that is me with a mustache. I carry this around with me whenever I can, so if I ever get the urge to make myself over, I just look at this, and damn near throw up.
: [about his moustache
] Giggle if you must. Chicks love it. Dave
: Matthew, do me a favor and turn around. Matthew Brock
[Matthew turns around to face Beth, Lisa and Catherine; Beth screams and runs away, Lisa laughs, and Catherine slaps him
: And it's not just the snacks! I mean, look what's happened to our smoking lounge. Matthew
: Oh, that's *your* smoking lounge, Bill. I'm still very against that! Bill
: Whatever. I can remember when there were comfortable chairs out there! Catherine Duke
: Maybe you shouldn't have stolen the comfortable chairs for the den at home.
: Well, lets see... the chair costs $2,000. Since there's only two of us, that makes your share $1,200. Matthew Brock
: No, it should be a thousand, right? Bill
: You better get yourself a calculator, my friend.
: You ever play 52-card pick-up? Matthew
: No, that sounds like fun. Dave
: Sometimes you make me sad.
: So, the title is more of a figurehead, is it? What are you gonna do next, Dave? Make me Queen of England? Dave
: I was thinking Marquis de le Storage Closet.
: Plan A was a bust. Everyone, meet Plan B. Andrea
: Hi, everyone. Matthew Brock
: Planbee. What an unusual name. Is it Chinese? Andrea
: You can call me Andrea, and you must be Matthew. Matthew Brock
: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.
: What do you think is more efficient? Brushing your teeth in your pajamas, or your work clothes. Andrea
: I'm not sure I understand the question. Matthew Brock
: I think PJs, because if you get toothpaste in your work clothes, your whole day is screwed. True story.
: Here, Matthew. Matthew
: Oh, valentines. Lisa
: No, Valentine's Day was two months ago. This is a thank-you note for my wedding gift. Matthew
: Do thank-you notes have candy inside them? Lisa
: Yours does. Matthew
: Mr. James, tell Joe he can't copyright my name. Jimmy
: You can't copyright any employee's name. Lisa
: See? Jimmy
: Because I own the copyrights to all your names. Matthew
, Joe Garrelli
: What? Jimmy
: When are you people going to start reading your contracts?
: Hello, children. Welcome to the magical world of radio. Bill's Kid
: Shut up, Spaz! Bill McNeal
: That one's mine.
[Kid runs in, trips and falls
] Matthew Brock
: And that one's mine.
: I'm sorry, Beth, but this is a boys-only meeting. Missy
: Why? Matthew's Kid
: Because girls are stupid. Matthew Brock
: I did not teach him that. Matthew's Kid
: Yes, you did. Beth
: I think we know who our future congressman is.
: Last night there was an accident with the copy machine. Matthew Brock
: See? I keep telling everyone that coffee machine is nothing but trouble. Dave
: No, Matthew, I said copy machine. Matthew Brock
: That's what I said, the coffee machine. Beth
: No, the copier, where we make copies. Matthew Brock
: The coffier where we make coffees? That doesn't even make sense.
: That's it. I'm never working with my hands again. Matthew Brock
: What, are you going to use your feet then?
: I'm sorry if you've gotten the impression that I treat Matthew better than everyone else. That is simply not true. Matthew Brock
: Well, you don't have to make it sound so implausible.
: Yes, I have a question. Dave Nelson
: Yes, Bill? Bill McNeal
: How long has Matthew been lobbying for a new desk? Dave Nelson
: Oh, there was no lobbying. He just happened to mention it over dinner one night. Matthew Brock
: Oh, Dave... They... they don't need to know about our dinners. Bill McNeal
: So... dinner and a desk. What's next, you're gonna get him a pony?
: Someone has been rummaging in the recycling bins. Matthew Brock
: Me. I'm trying to find the winning can in that contest. Bill
: That contest was over after the Super Bowl. Matthew Brock
: The Super what?
: What happened? Bill
: Nothing. Lisa
: Well, then why was Beth on the verge of tears? Bill
: I don't know. Maybe it was Rush Limbaugh's keynote speech. Women, they'll cry at anything. Am I right, fellas? Joe Garrelli
: Don't look at me, dude. Matthew Brock
: Boo, Bill. Boo.
] Dave. Dave
: Matthew, why are you whispering? Matthew Brock
: Because lately Joe has been looking at me with hate in his eyes. It's like he's zapping me with hate rays. Zap, zap-zap-zap. Dave
: Zap, zap-zap-zap, eh? Matthew Brock
: Dave, please don't mock me. Dave
: It's very hard not to.
: That's all for this morning meeting, unless anyone has anything they like to say. Catherine Duke
: I do. Today would have been Mahatma Gandhi's birthday, and I think than, in his honor, we should all observe a moment of silence.
[Everyone bows their head
] Bill McNeal
: Mahatma who? Catherine Duke
: Mahatma Gandhi.
] Bill McNeal
: A great man. Catherine Duke
: Shut up. It's supposed to be a moment of silence.
] Bill McNeal
: Sorry. Catherine Duke
: Well, thanks for everything. We'll try it again next year. Matthew Brock
: I bet if we lived in India, we'd get like a three-day weekend or something. Bill McNeal
: I think we should also have a moment of silence for Ben Kingsley, who, as we all know, played Gandhi in the movie of the same name. Catherine Duke
: Ben Kingsley's not dead. Bill McNeal
: No, but he's a hell of an actor, isn't he?
: Hey, Beth. Come look at this. Beth
: Internet? Matthew
: Yeah. Beth
: I, for one, am expecting the opportunity to debate my opponent. Beth
: Matthew, you don't have an opponent. Matthew Brock
: Yeah, that's what he or she wants me to think.
: [wears the Donald hat hoping to fool Joe; Catherine walks in
] Hey, hey, hey! It's Fat Albert! I said, it's Fat Albert! Joe?
[feels around for Joe
] Catherine Duke
: That was good, Matthew. Now do a little Amos n' Andy for me. Matthew Brock
: I say, I say, Kingfisher... Catherine Duke
: Matthew, you know what I have to do now. Matthew Brock
: Go ahead
[Catherine splashes her drink on Matthew's face
: I even understand National Public Radio. Dave Nelson
: You understand everything they say? Matthew Brock
: No, I understand that it's boring crap masquerading as bourgeois intellectual discourse and, therefore, not worth my time.
: So you told them that it was company policy not to date employees? Dave
: That's right. Joe Garrelli
: Wait a minute, what about you and Lisa? Dave
: This policy only applies to Matthew. Joe Garrelli
: That makes no sense at all! Matthew Brock
: Yeah, it does. You'd be surprised how many company policies apply only to me.
: You look very Casablancaesque. Matthew Brock
: I was going for more of a Bugsy Malone look.
: Here's my plan. I will get back my empire from Johnny... someway... somehow. Dave
: That's your plan? Joe
: Awesome plan, dude. Jimmy
: Thank you. Matthew
: I know a way to make it even awesomer. One, you get back the empire, and two, you take us all out for banana splits afterwards.
: Back in the '70s I had the worst losing streak. Matthew Brock
: Really? Jimmy James
: Oh, yeah. I lost on every game, even the ones that I fixed.
: Men's Room. Beth
: It's me, Beth. Matthew
: *Men's* room. You need to know the secret knock.
[Beth knocks "Shave and a hair cut, two bits"
: I'm telling you, that guy is weirder than a $5 bill. Joe
: $3 bill. Matthew
: No, because he's two whole dollars weirder than that.
: Mr. James, I think the question on everyone's mind is, are you Doobie Keebler?
: Matthew, Mr. James and Roger would like to talk to you in the kitchenette. Matthew
: Who's Mr. Jamison Rogerwood?
: Can I have a word alone with Johhny? Joe
: Sure, but go easy on him. He seems to be very reformed. Matthew
: You mean he's Jewish?
[Matthew, dressed as a British Punk, is kicking the vending machine
] Dave Nelson
: Matthew, what are you doing? Matthew Brock
: [British accent
] I was trying to get a packet of crisps and this flippin' machine stole me quid! Dave Nelson
: First of all, in this country we use dollars, not quids; we call them potato chips, not crisps; and we do not kick vending machines. Matthew Brock
: You know what I say to that?
[Flashes MAYHEM tattoo on stomach
] Matthew Brock
: Revolution! Dave Nelson
: It actually says mayhem. Matthew Brock
: [regular voice
] Well, I was going to get revolution, but it was too many letters.
: Well, this is going to come as a shock to everyone; I'm still trying to get used to it myself, but... I'm going to have a baby. Dave
: No, you're not. Bill
: Yes, I am! I'm going to have a baby! Matthew Brock
: Wow, you're hardly even showing!
: Bill. I'm fixin' for another homoerotic adventure on the big muddy.
[Matthew is quizzing Dave and Lisa
: Who is your favorite member of the Brat Pack? Lisa
: Emilio Estevez Dave
: Ally Sheedy. Matthew
: No points. The correct answer is Judge Reinhold. Lisa
: Judge Reinhold is not a member of the Brat Pack. Matthew
: I'm sorry, Lisa. That will cost you one point.
: Matthew, Mr. James is not hiding in prison. He just escaped from prison. Matthew
: Dave, we have to think likle Mr. James. Mr. James is a criminal. Where do criminals like to hang out? Think about it.
: I called one of those Big Brother organizations. Lisa Miller
: They let you do that? Beth
: She means, good for you.
: You pick a fine time to do some work. Matthew Brock
: I'm not really working. I'm so nervous I'm just hitting keys randomly. Dave Nelson
: Well, be careful you don't accidentally write something.
: I have itchy, red welts on my buttocks.
: I brought this for Matthew. Matthew Brock
: What is it? Jimmy James
: It's a sprig of genuine Balsam fir all the way for New Hampshire. Matthew Brock
: It smells like really good disinfectant.
Andrew, Matthew's Twin Brother
: Dude, we're still brothers. It's just that we're not twins. And biologically speaking, we're not actually brothers, either. Matthew Brock
: But we look so much alike. Andrew, Matthew's Twin Brother
: No we don't. I'm three inches shorter than you are. You have blond hair, I have brown hair. I have green eyes, you have blue. I can grow a beard. I'm Jewish! How old are you? Matthew Brock
: Twenty-eight. Andrew, Matthew's Twin Brother
: And how old am I? Matthew Brock
: Twenty-nine. But I just thought it was because you came out first.
: I really hate to say this, but it is the thought that counts. Matthew
: Yeah, and these are the result of a really cheap, crappy thought.
[Joe is daydreaming that he has turned everyone else into robots
] Matthew Brock
: Say, when are you going to turn me into a robot? Joe
: Parts come this weekend. Matthew Brock
: Excelent. Thanks, master.
: How do you feel? Jimmy James
: How do I feel? I feel like crap! How do you think I feel? Joe Garrelli
: What was it like? Jimmy James
: Well, I was in a dark corridor, and there was a bright light at the end, and as I was walking towards the bright light I hear Dave and Lisa arguing. "I want a baby." "When?" "Right now." And on and on and on. I listened for a second, and then I started *running* towards the bright light. But then I heard music. Slow Ride, you know, from Foghat? And I decided, if only I could hear that one more time, and so I came back.
[Bill plays Slow Ride
] Jimmy James
: Yeah, that's the one. All right, I heard it. My work is done.
] Matthew Brock
: Doctor! Doctor! Jimmy James
: Look, we don't really care what you two do. Catherine Duke
: We have our own lives. Bill McNeal
: Today was just a chance for us to... Matthew Brock
: Shake out the sillies. Bill McNeal
: Please don't finish my sentences.
: As you know, I have been trying to find something to do together. Bill
: We already have something to do together. It's called work. Matthew Brock
: The softball team didn't work for whatever reason. Joe
: Maybe that's because to play softball you need a bat. Matthew Brock
: I know that now. Joe
: And a ball. Matthew Brock
: Whatever! Lisa
: If you're going to get us all Knicks tickets like last year, at least buy them all in advance. Matthew Brock
: I said whatever! Who knew New York was such a big sports town?
: I don't see what's wrong with the sandwich machine. Beth
: What's wrong is that they only change the sandwiches every few months. Catherine Duke
: Has anyone even had one of those dried-up, leathery things? Bill McNeal
: What are we discussing? Dave
: The sandwich machine by the stairway. Bill McNeal
: Best sandwiches in the city. They're an acquired taste, but like wine and cheese, a good sandwich needs to be aged properly. In the olden days, a pheasant would be aged for weeks before it was suitable for consumption. Lisa Miller
: In the olden days, people died of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
: Matthew, did you catalog all those tapes on the sanitation workers strike? Matthew Brock
: Yeah, I wish.
: Dave, if by some incredible miracle Bill does come back, don't tell him I put his coffee mug in my pants.
: Joe, how long are you going to be in my computer? I need to work. Joe Garrelli
: You don't work, you just play computer solitaire. Matthew Brock
: Well, one man's solitaire is another man's bread and butter.
: [To Joe, who is helping Matthew
] Don't you have work of your own to do? Matthew
: Dave. Dave
: What? Matthew
: This is his first step toward recovery. Please don't crap all over it.
: [Matthew has just accidentally killed the WNYX staff, leaving he and Bill as the last humans in existence
] Now what? Bill McNeal
: Well, I guess it's up to us to start a new race of human beings. Matthew Brock
: Oh, right. But no gay stuff, OK?
: [after listening to Matthew's story of being ritually abused by Lisa
] It sounds like you went through quite an ordeal. Matthew
: Yeah... Joe
: It also sounds an awful lot like last year's office Halloween party! Matthew
: Nice try, we didn't have a Halloween party last year. Joe
: Yes we did. You had too much of Max's Spookadelic punch and you made out with that girl from accounting who smells like garbage. Matthew
: No, I did not. Joe
: And then you passed out right there. Matthew
: Nah, I would have remembered that.
: Matthew, Bill is not a god. Matthew Brock
: Time will tell.