Matthew Brock
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Quotes for
Matthew Brock (Character)
from "NewsRadio" (1995)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"NewsRadio: Freaky Friday (#5.20)" (1999)
Jimmy: Well, looky here. How's everything, Mr. chairman, Mr. CEO?
Matthew: Not so good.
Jimmy: The job is a lot tougher than you though, huh?
Matthew: Yeah, yeah. It is.
Jimmy: Well, let me show you something. I made $200.00 online in your name.
Matthew: Oh, that's funny, because I was just online trading in your name.
Jimmy: Well, see you can't do that. You don't have access. You don't know my secret password.
Matthew: You mean Marianne?
Jimmy: How did you know that?
Matthew: Well, it's Dave's mom's name, so I figured...
Jimmy: Wait, wait, wait a minute, hold on. Matthew, son?
Matthew: [crying] Yes, sir?
Jimmy: How much did you lose?
Matthew: All of it.
Jimmy: How much?
Matthew: $7 Billion dollars. You're welcome to borrow the $200.00 if you like.

Matthew: This is just like that movie, Freaky Friday. Only you're the mom...
Jimmy: ...and you're Jodie Foster.
Matthew: Finally.

Joe Garrelli: [Matthew is holding a spear gun] Dude, what are you doing?
Matthew: What? What?
Joe Garrelli: That's a loaded spear gun!
Matthew: I know. I'm not a complete idiot.
[Spear gun goes off, hits photo on wall]
Matthew: Oh my God! Maybe I am a complete idiot.

Matthew: Mr. James' job is not as easy as I thought. I'm having a little computer trouble.
Joe Garrelli: What kind of trouble?
Matthew: Can't turn it on.

Matthew: Bring me a virgin banana daiquiri, easy on the virgin.


"NewsRadio: Led Zeppelin Boxed Set (#3.13)" (1997)
Matthew: Believe me, I have seen my dark side, and it is yucky.

Bill McNeal: Let's see. Go to a movie, or spend the night in Spaz's kitchen with a bunch of shut-ins?
Matthew: Bill, they're not shut-ins. They're just people who choose to stay at home.
Bill McNeal: Right, beacause it's a full time job taking care of 27 stray cats, each named after a child they never had.

Dave Nelson: Matthew, Bill lies to you because he thinks it's funny.
Matthew: I don't see what's so funny about it.
Dave Nelson: Well, that's kind of the point.
Matthew: [Laughs] Oh, now it get it.

Matthew: Are you coming, Joe?
Joe Garrelli: What's the book?
Matthew: Moby Dick.
Joe Garrelli: Read it.
Matthew: Good, then you can discuss it.
Joe Garrelli: The only reason to discuss a book is to prove that you've read it, and I read it. The whale eats Gregory Peck, end of discussion.


"NewsRadio: Sinking Ship (#4.22)" (1998)
Lisa Miller: Sorry I'm late. My chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced.
Matthew Brock: I hear that.
Lisa Miller: Matthew, you wore a corset?
Matthew Brock: Not any more, I can tell you that much.

Dave: All I'm saying, and this goes for all of you, is that there have been iceberg sightings.
[all laugh]
Lisa Miller: Icebergs? Please, Dave, get real.
Matthew Brock: [mocking] Look out! I'm a big old iceberg and I'm coming to get Dave!

Dave: Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet.
Matthew Brock: Aw, gee whiz!
Dave: Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it.
Matthew Brock: Darn.
Dave: Matthew!
Matthew Brock: Shucks!
Dave: Well, I never!

Lisa Miller: Well, I'm making a swim for it. Which way's New York?
Matthew Brock: There it is over there.
Lisa Miller: Matthew, that's an iceberg!


"NewsRadio: Stocks (#3.9)" (1996)
[Talking about his vacation in Japan]
Matthew: Oh, Dave, oh my, you would-you would have loved it. A week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs...
Dave: Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I've been to Canada.

Bill: [Matthew has given him a Hello Kitty backpack] Oh, Matthew, I can't accept this.
Matthew: Oh, no, please.
Bill: Beause I am neither Japanese, fourteen years old, nor a girl.

Matthew: In fact, in Japan they got all kinds of different things to eat.
Bill: Yeah, I know, Matthew, it's called Chinese food. Shut up.


"NewsRadio: Movie Star (#3.8)" (1996)
Matthew Brock: I'm not sure I can handle this. Do you know what a big James Caan fan I am? I mean, he's like the real life Don Corleone.
Dave Nelson: No he isn't. That was Marlon Brando. James Caan played Sonny Corleone.
Matthew Brock: Oh, I've watched that movie so many times I can't tell who's who anymore.

Matthew Brock: I loved you in Thunderball.
James Caan: Actually, I wasn't in Thunderball. You must be thinking of Rollerball.
Matthew Brock: Yeah, but when I watch Thunderball, I wish you were in it.

Matthew Brock: I can't believe I threw up on James Caan.
Bill McNeal: I can't believe he just laughed it off.
Matthew Brock: I can't believe he didn't punch me.
Bill McNeal: I can't believe he did punch me.


"NewsRadio: Hair (#5.14)" (1999)
Dave Nelson: Joe, you do not know hypnotism.
Joe Garrelli: Sure I do. Watch this. Chicken.
[Matthew clucks like a chicken]
Joe Garrelli: Human.
Matthew Brock: What up?
Jimmy James: That's very impressive.
Joe Garrelli: Thank you.
Dave Nelson: No, Joe just told him to do that.
Joe Garrelli: Dave, with Matthew, telling him to do something is hypnotism.

Matthew Brock: Look, Mr.James! Over there! It's Vietnam!
Jimmy James: Joe, Matthew is making me see Vietnam in the foyer!
Joe Garrelli: What? Matthew, Vietnam is not in the foyer.
Matthew Brock: I just calls it like I sees them.
Joe Garrelli: Mr. James, that is not Vietnam.
Jimmy James: Then what is it?
Joe Garrelli: It's a magical candy land with gumdrop mountains.
Jimmy James: Oh, yeah. Thanks, Joe.

Matthew Brock: I thought hippies were cool.
Jimmy James: They're not, they are pure evil with hatred in their hearts.
Matthew Brock: Wow. Live and learn.


"NewsRadio: Who's the Boss: Part 1 (#4.12)" (1998)
Joe Garrelli: [Can't work because of a strike] Do you know what holds this station together?
Beth: Gravity?
Joe Garrelli: No! The sweat of my brow, the grace of God, and thousands of miles of my home-made duct tape! I can feel this station falling apart around me, and I'm powerless to stop it.
Beth: Why don't you just fix things a little?
Joe Garrelli: I can't, I took an oath.
Matthew Brock: Joe, I just wanted you to know the coffee maker's broken.
Joe Garrelli: Damn you, Jimmy Hoffa!
Matthew Brock: No, actuallly, that was me.

Bill: Matthew, reformat these expense reports and send them to accounting.
Matthew Brock: I'm not good at reformating.
Bill: Then learn.
Matthew Brock: I'm not good at learning, either.

Dave Nelson: But he's evil!
Beth: Is he, Dave, is he, or is it just a reflection of your cold black heart?
Matthew Brock: Just shut up and get back to work! Scram! Damn hippy.


"NewsRadio: Security Door (#4.14)" (1998)
Matthew Brock: Dave, we have to get rid of that door.
Dave Nelson: No, we don't.
Matthew Brock: Yes, we do. A bird just died flying into it.
Dave Nelson: Really?
[They go look]
Matthew Brock: See? There it is.
Dave Nelson: Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.
Matthew Brock: The poor thing.
Dave Nelson: You didn't even bother to defrost it.

Matthew Brock: I have a very important question.
Dave Nelson: Of course, Matthew. In case a magical wizard casts a spell on us...

Matthew Brock: [singing] Frodo was a paranoid gnome...


"NewsRadio: Halloween (#3.5)" (1996)
Lisa: Now look, this is just like in high school. In high school we all liked sitting at the cool table, right?
[Everyone agrees]
Matthew Brock: Wait a minute. You all got to sit at the cool table? What was that like?
Beth: It was cool.

Matthew Brock: Last year I won the best costume contest, came in third place.
Dave: What did you go as?
Matthew Brock: Motorcycle enthusiast.
Joe Garrelli: Gay biker.
Matthew Brock: The label clearly said "motorcycle enthusiast."

Catherine Duke: Are you saying you actually believe in fortunetelling, Bill?
Bill McNeal: As did Socrates, Julius Caesar and Napoleon. It is the wisest man who knows there is a lot he does not know.
Matthew Brock: I know.


"NewsRadio: The Real Deal (#3.22)" (1997)
Joe Garrelli: Have you even made out with a chick?
Matthew Brock: Lots of times. I've had some sex, just not final sex. I mean, I've gotten close.
Joe Garrelli: How close?
[Matthew puts his hands about two feet apart]
Joe Garrelli: I have no idea what that means.
[Positions his hands vertically]
Joe Garrelli: Oh, now I get it.

Joe Garrelli: Dude, there is only one way to deal with a woman like that.
Matthew Brock: What's that?
Joe Garrelli: You get down on your hands and knees and you beg her to have sex with you.
Beth: He's right. Men get on their hands and knees for me all the time, and I don't look like that.
Joe Garrelli: They have to get on their hands and knees just to look at you face to face.

Matthew Brock: Everyone, I've decided to not have sex with Irene.
Dave: Well, that is a decision only you can make, and by that I mean that is a decision only *you* can make.


"NewsRadio: The Trainer (#3.11)" (1996)
Bill McNeal: So Dave's Canadian. So what? Everyone here is from different places. Joe, where is your family from?
Joe Garrelli: Italy.
Bill McNeal: And Beth?
Beth: Ireland.
Bill McNeal: How about you, Catherine?
Catherine Duke: Africa.
Matthew Brock: Really, you're from Africa?
Bill McNeal: And Matthew, of course, is from Neptune. I, myself, am descended from the Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower from... Portugal, or somewhere.

Matthew Brock: So Catherine, where in Africa are you from?
Catherine Duke: Shut up, Matthew.
Matthew Brock: Say something in African.
Catherine Duke: Shut the...
[Edit]

Matthew Brock: [Looking at Dave's birth certificate] Ooh, look at those tiny little feet.
Beth: Still the same size.


"NewsRadio: Inappropriate (#1.2)" (1995)
[Matthew does a story on Joey Buttafuco]
Beth: Matthew, I think you mispronounced that guy's name a few times.
Matthew Brock: What, it's uh, Joey Buttafu...
Dave Nelson: No it isn't, Matthew! It's, uh, Buttafuoco. Butta-foo-co.
Matthew Brock: What did I say?
Dave Nelson: Well, Matthew, of all the possible mispronunciations of that name, you seem to have stumbled upon absolutely the worst one.

Matthew Brock: Mister James?
Jimmy James: Present.
Matthew Brock: Buttafuoco.
Jimmy James: Well, Buttafuoco to you too, Matthew. If you said it that way on the air, we probably wouldn't have lost two sponsors this morning.
Matthew Brock: Oh, my God!

Jimmy James: I'm just glad you didn't do a story about Forrest Tucker.
Matthew Brock: I-I-I don't get it.
Jimmy James: Think about it.


"NewsRadio: Jackass Junior High (#4.21)" (1998)
[Matthew is giving a tour of the radio station]
Matthew: And the microphone, as we all know, was invented by a man by the name of Charles D. Microphone.
Teenager: No, it wasn't.
Matthew: I'm afraid it was.

Dave: Just because all the women are gone doesn't give you license to behave like animals.
Bill: Why not?
Dave: I'm just saying don't get too comfortable, seeing as they will all be back tomorrow.
Lisa: I'm a woman.
Matthew: But you're different.
Lisa: No, Matthew, *you're* different.

Matthew: This is Dave Epithicus-erectus, one of the very few in captivity. His diet consists of black coffee and sarcasm.


"NewsRadio: Lucky Burger (#5.3)" (1998)
Matthew: I'll have my man break him down Baretta-style.
Joe: Baretta-style interrogation will cost you $15.
Matthew: What can I get for $5?
Joe: Starsky interrogation.
Matthew: What about Hutch?
Joe: I'll give you both for $7.50.
Matthew: Too rich for my blood.

Dave: Hey Joe, any luck?
Joe: No. And I talked to the guards downstairs in the lobby and he hasn't passed through, so he's still in the building.
Dave: That's so ODD.
Matthew: No, Dave, it isn't odd, it is reality, and you'd better buckle your seatbelt, because reality SUCKS!
Dave: Ever been bitch-slapped?

Matthew: I know why he was fired from all those jobs.
Dave: Why?
Matthew: Because I hate him.


"NewsRadio: Noise (#5.4)" (1998)
Dave: What the hell is this?
Jimmy: I put it on your desk for you. It's one of those executive stress relievers. It looks like a little alien.
Joe Garrelli: No it doesn't.
Beth: See, whenever you feel stressed, you squeeze it like this.
Matthew Brock: David, I'm going to adopt six cats for you.
[Dave squeezes the stress reliever so hard, it explodes]
Dave: Thanks, that really did the trick.

Max Lewis: Matthew, did you proofread that article I gave you?
Matthew Brock: Nope.
Max Lewis: Why not?
Matthew Brock: Because I didn't feel like it.
Max Lewis: Isn't that kind of your job?
Matthew Brock: Oh, so now my job is to serve the great Max Louis? Why don't you go ask some other jackass, cause this one ain't listening!
[Gives Max a quarter]
Matthew Brock: Here, go find a pay phone and call someone who cares.
Max Lewis: Hey! Pay phones are 35 cents now.


"NewsRadio: Pure Evil (#4.6)" (1997)
Matthew Brock: Why did we go to Hawaii together?
Lisa Miller: That was a dream.
Matthew Brock: Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
Lisa Miller: All right then. How was it?
Matthew Brock: Not that good, actually.
Lisa Miller: I'm sorry.

Lisa Miller: You slept in my apartment?
Matthew Brock: Well, you were sleeping here, so I just assumed that's what you wanted. Besides, I had a date.
Lisa Miller: You brought a date to my apartment?
Matthew Brock: Yes, and by the way, thank you. Enough said.


"NewsRadio: Houses of the Holy (#2.16)" (1996)
Dave: Matthew, I would like your input on something.
Matthew Brock: What up?
Dave: Catherine is sick today, and I want to put Lisa up on the booth.
Matthew Brock: My input on that is that I should do it.

Lisa: You know why he's doing this, right? He's threatened by us.
Matthew Brock: Yeah, he's totally threatening us.
Lisa: Threatened *by* us.
Matthew Brock: Oh, right.


"NewsRadio: Super Karate Monkey Death Car (#4.4)" (1997)
Matthew: My boss is pretty strict, so I can't get any of you free food, except for Bill.

Matthew: Dave, when am I getting my job back?
Dave: You have to have patient, Matthew. We're doing the best we can.
Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part.
Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely what got you fired in the first place.


"NewsRadio: Big Day (#1.5)" (1995)
Bill: Joe, who's the black undercover dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?
Joe: Why, I believe that would be Shaft, Bill.
Bill: Mmm-hmm. And who's the cat who won't cop out when there is danger all about?
Joe: Once again Bill, you are referring to Shaft. You know, they say that Shaft is one bad mutha...
Matthew: Just shut up, you guys.
Jimmy: What're you guys doing?
Bill: Were just talking about Shaft.
Jimmy: I can dig it.

Dave: Don't tell Mr. James anything, but here's what we're gonna do. We'll pool all the bonus money and divide it equally among everyone.
Beth: So everyone gets the same bonus.
Dave: That's right.
Matthew: And no one gets the shaft.
Dave: Exactly.
Matthew: I think this idea is a winner. I like it.
Bill: This idea is both fair and democratic.
Dave: Thank you, Bill.
Bill: And I want no part of it. It reeks of communism, and penalizes the person who most deserves the big bonus, and speaking as that person, I cannot support it.


"NewsRadio: Rap (#3.12)" (1997)
Dave Nelson: And besides, you had no right to make Matthew do your work for you.
Bill McNeal: I didn't make him do it. I paid him. Quite handsomely, I might add.
Matthew Brock: Oh, let's just, let's just say I was persuaded by Bill's friends, mister...
[Looks at money]
Matthew Brock: ...ah, Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Washington, and...
[Looks at quarter]
Matthew Brock: Oh, Mr. Washington again.

Bill McNeal: Have you ever heard rap music?
Beth: Does Sir Mix-A-Lot like booty?
Bill McNeal: It's an outrage! Listen to this, actual rap lyrics. "Life ain't nothin' but gritches and money", only they don't say "gritches", they say a certain word that rhymes with it that starts with a B.
Matthew Brock: Britches?


"NewsRadio: Bitch Session (#2.12)" (1996)
Matthew Brock: [after Bill scares him and he almost spills his coffee] Nice try, Bill, but you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to...
Beth: Matthew, do you have the time?
Matthew Brock: Yeah, it's...
[Looks at his watch, accidentally spilling his coffee all over his shirt]

Lisa Miller: I thought I smelled Dave's burning flesh. This is new, having the bitch session in the office of the bitchee.
Matthew Brock: It's more exciting because it's taboo.


"NewsRadio: The Station Sale (#2.11)" (1996)
[Matthew is opposed to Mr. James' sale of the station]
Matthew: Something must be done, Bill. Action must be taken!
Bill: Why don't you handcuff yourself to your desk or something?
Matthew: Yeah, right, where am I gonna find a pair of handcuffs?
[without missing a beat, Bill casually pulls out a pair of handcuffs from his desk drawer]
Bill: Yours is not to reason why, yours is but to do or die. John Keats, 1776.

Bill McNeal: Can I have my cuffs back?
Matthew Brock: I already gave them to you.
Bill McNeal: No you didn't.
Matthew Brock: They're around your left ankle. Goodbye, Bill.


"NewsRadio: President (#3.1)" (1996)
[Mr. James sees Matthew's new mustache]
Jimmy: What's the story with your face, son?
Matthew: Oh, yeah, this is something I grew out on vacation, well, you know, make myself sexier.
Jimmy: Yeah, well every man has the right to sex himself up however he seems fit, but you, you look like you belong in an amatuer porn convention.
Matthew: Thank you.
Jimmy: No, Matthew... I tell you what, let me show you something.
[Mr. James pulls a picture from his pocket]
Jimmy: Are you ready?
Matthew: Yeah.
Jimmy: No, I don't think you're ready.
Matthew: Yeah, I am.
Jimmy: Okay. Who's that ?
[Shows the picture to Matthew]
Matthew: Oh God.
Jimmy: Yep, that is me with a mustache. I carry this around with me whenever I can, so if I ever get the urge to make myself over, I just look at this, and damn near throw up.

Matthew Brock: [about his moustache] Giggle if you must. Chicks love it.
Dave: Matthew, do me a favor and turn around.
Matthew Brock: What?
[Matthew turns around to face Beth, Lisa and Catherine; Beth screams and runs away, Lisa laughs, and Catherine slaps him]


"NewsRadio: Massage Chair (#3.3)" (1996)
Bill: And it's not just the snacks! I mean, look what's happened to our smoking lounge.
Matthew: Oh, that's *your* smoking lounge, Bill. I'm still very against that!
Bill: Whatever. I can remember when there were comfortable chairs out there!
Catherine Duke: Maybe you shouldn't have stolen the comfortable chairs for the den at home.

Bill: Well, lets see... the chair costs $2,000. Since there's only two of us, that makes your share $1,200.
Matthew Brock: No, it should be a thousand, right?
Bill: You better get yourself a calculator, my friend.


"NewsRadio: Negotiation (#2.8)" (1995)
Dave: You ever play 52-card pick-up?
Matthew: No, that sounds like fun.
Dave: Sometimes you make me sad.

Matthew: So, the title is more of a figurehead, is it? What are you gonna do next, Dave? Make me Queen of England?
Dave: I was thinking Marquis de le Storage Closet.


"NewsRadio: Planbee (#4.2)" (1997)
Jimmy James: Plan A was a bust. Everyone, meet Plan B.
Andrea: Hi, everyone.
Matthew Brock: Planbee. What an unusual name. Is it Chinese?
Andrea: You can call me Andrea, and you must be Matthew.
Matthew Brock: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.

Matthew Brock: What do you think is more efficient? Brushing your teeth in your pajamas, or your work clothes.
Andrea: I'm not sure I understand the question.
Matthew Brock: I think PJs, because if you get toothpaste in your work clothes, your whole day is screwed. True story.


"NewsRadio: Ploy (#5.18)" (1999)
Lisa: Here, Matthew.
Matthew: Oh, valentines.
Lisa: No, Valentine's Day was two months ago. This is a thank-you note for my wedding gift.
Matthew: Do thank-you notes have candy inside them?
Lisa: Yours does.
Matthew: Excellent!

Lisa: Mr. James, tell Joe he can't copyright my name.
Jimmy: You can't copyright any employee's name.
Lisa: See?
Jimmy: Because I own the copyrights to all your names.
Matthew, Joe Garrelli: What?
Jimmy: When are you people going to start reading your contracts?


"NewsRadio: Kids (#3.16)" (1997)
Matthew Brock: Hello, children. Welcome to the magical world of radio.
Bill's Kid: Shut up, Spaz!
Bill McNeal: That one's mine.
[Kid runs in, trips and falls]
Matthew Brock: And that one's mine.

Dave Nelson: I'm sorry, Beth, but this is a boys-only meeting.
Missy: Why?
Matthew's Kid: Because girls are stupid.
Matthew Brock: I did not teach him that.
Matthew's Kid: Yes, you did.
Beth: I think we know who our future congressman is.


"NewsRadio: Copy Machine (#4.18)" (1998)
Dave: Last night there was an accident with the copy machine.
Matthew Brock: See? I keep telling everyone that coffee machine is nothing but trouble.
Dave: No, Matthew, I said copy machine.
Matthew Brock: That's what I said, the coffee machine.
Beth: No, the copier, where we make copies.
Matthew Brock: The coffier where we make coffees? That doesn't even make sense.

Joe Garrelli: That's it. I'm never working with my hands again.
Matthew Brock: What, are you going to use your feet then?


"NewsRadio: The Crisis (#1.4)" (1995)
Dave Nelson: I'm sorry if you've gotten the impression that I treat Matthew better than everyone else. That is simply not true.
Matthew Brock: Well, you don't have to make it sound so implausible.

Bill McNeal: Yes, I have a question.
Dave Nelson: Yes, Bill?
Bill McNeal: How long has Matthew been lobbying for a new desk?
Dave Nelson: Oh, there was no lobbying. He just happened to mention it over dinner one night.
Matthew Brock: Oh, Dave... They... they don't need to know about our dinners.
Bill McNeal: So... dinner and a desk. What's next, you're gonna get him a pony?


"NewsRadio: Presence (#2.19)" (1996)
Dave: Someone has been rummaging in the recycling bins.
Matthew Brock: Me. I'm trying to find the winning can in that contest.
Bill: That contest was over after the Super Bowl.
Matthew Brock: The Super what?


"NewsRadio: Luncheon at the Waldorf (#1.6)" (1995)
Lisa: What happened?
Bill: Nothing.
Lisa: Well, then why was Beth on the verge of tears?
Bill: I don't know. Maybe it was Rush Limbaugh's keynote speech. Women, they'll cry at anything. Am I right, fellas?
Joe Garrelli: Don't look at me, dude.
Matthew Brock: Boo, Bill. Boo.


"NewsRadio: The Cane (#2.9)" (1995)
Matthew Brock: [whispering] Dave.
Dave: Matthew, why are you whispering?
Matthew Brock: Because lately Joe has been looking at me with hate in his eyes. It's like he's zapping me with hate rays. Zap, zap-zap-zap.
Dave: Zap, zap-zap-zap, eh?
Matthew Brock: Dave, please don't mock me.
Dave: It's very hard not to.


"NewsRadio: No, This Is Not Based Entirely on Julie's Life (#2.1)" (1995)
Dave: That's all for this morning meeting, unless anyone has anything they like to say.
Catherine Duke: I do. Today would have been Mahatma Gandhi's birthday, and I think than, in his honor, we should all observe a moment of silence.
[Everyone bows their head]
Bill McNeal: Mahatma who?
Catherine Duke: Mahatma Gandhi.
[pause]
Bill McNeal: A great man.
Catherine Duke: Shut up. It's supposed to be a moment of silence.
[pause]
Bill McNeal: Sorry.
Catherine Duke: Well, thanks for everything. We'll try it again next year.
Matthew Brock: I bet if we lived in India, we'd get like a three-day weekend or something.
Bill McNeal: I think we should also have a moment of silence for Ben Kingsley, who, as we all know, played Gandhi in the movie of the same name.
Catherine Duke: Ben Kingsley's not dead.
Bill McNeal: No, but he's a hell of an actor, isn't he?


"NewsRadio: Physical Graffiti (#2.17)" (1996)
Matthew: Hey, Beth. Come look at this.
Beth: Internet?
Matthew: Yeah.
Beth: Internot.


"NewsRadio: Who's the Boss: Part 2 (#4.13)" (1998)
Matthew Brock: I, for one, am expecting the opportunity to debate my opponent.
Beth: Matthew, you don't have an opponent.
Matthew Brock: Yeah, that's what he or she wants me to think.


"NewsRadio: Zoso (#2.15)" (1996)
Matthew Brock: [wears the Donald hat hoping to fool Joe; Catherine walks in] Hey, hey, hey! It's Fat Albert! I said, it's Fat Albert! Joe?
[feels around for Joe]
Catherine Duke: That was good, Matthew. Now do a little Amos n' Andy for me.
Matthew Brock: I say, I say, Kingfisher...
Catherine Duke: Matthew, you know what I have to do now.
Matthew Brock: Go ahead
[Catherine splashes her drink on Matthew's face]


"NewsRadio: Flowers for Matthew (#5.5)" (1998)
Matthew Brock: I even understand National Public Radio.
Dave Nelson: You understand everything they say?
Matthew Brock: No, I understand that it's boring crap masquerading as bourgeois intellectual discourse and, therefore, not worth my time.


"NewsRadio: Friends (#2.6)" (1995)
Matthew Brock: So you told them that it was company policy not to date employees?
Dave: That's right.
Joe Garrelli: Wait a minute, what about you and Lisa?
Dave: This policy only applies to Matthew.
Joe Garrelli: That makes no sense at all!
Matthew Brock: Yeah, it does. You'd be surprised how many company policies apply only to me.


"NewsRadio: Monster Rancher (#4.19)" (1998)
Lisa Miller: You look very Casablancaesque.
Matthew Brock: I was going for more of a Bugsy Malone look.


"NewsRadio: Clash of the Titans (#5.8)" (1998)
Jimmy: Here's my plan. I will get back my empire from Johnny... someway... somehow.
Dave: That's your plan?
Joe: Awesome plan, dude.
Jimmy: Thank you.
Matthew: I know a way to make it even awesomer. One, you get back the empire, and two, you take us all out for banana splits afterwards.


"NewsRadio: In Through the Out Door (#2.13)" (1996)
Jimmy James: Back in the '70s I had the worst losing streak.
Matthew Brock: Really?
Jimmy James: Oh, yeah. I lost on every game, even the ones that I fixed.


"NewsRadio: Assistant (#5.15)" (1999)
Matthew: Men's Room.
Beth: It's me, Beth.
Matthew: *Men's* room. You need to know the secret knock.
[Beth knocks "Shave and a hair cut, two bits"]
Matthew: Damn.


"NewsRadio: Mistake (#3.23)" (1997)
Matthew: I'm telling you, that guy is weirder than a $5 bill.
Joe: $3 bill.
Matthew: No, because he's two whole dollars weirder than that.


"NewsRadio: Jail (#5.6)" (1998)
Matthew: Mr. James, I think the question on everyone's mind is, are you Doobie Keebler?


"NewsRadio: The Injury (#2.22)" (1997)
Dave: Matthew, Mr. James and Roger would like to talk to you in the kitchenette.
Matthew: Who's Mr. Jamison Rogerwood?


"NewsRadio: Wino (#5.16)" (1999)
Dave: Can I have a word alone with Johhny?
Joe: Sure, but go easy on him. He seems to be very reformed.
Matthew: You mean he's Jewish?


"NewsRadio: Towers (#5.13)" (1999)
[Matthew, dressed as a British Punk, is kicking the vending machine]
Dave Nelson: Matthew, what are you doing?
Matthew Brock: [British accent] I was trying to get a packet of crisps and this flippin' machine stole me quid!
Dave Nelson: First of all, in this country we use dollars, not quids; we call them potato chips, not crisps; and we do not kick vending machines.
Matthew Brock: You know what I say to that?
[Flashes MAYHEM tattoo on stomach]
Matthew Brock: Revolution!
Dave Nelson: It actually says mayhem.
Matthew Brock: [regular voice] Well, I was going to get revolution, but it was too many letters.


"NewsRadio: Look Who's Talking (#4.10)" (1998)
Bill: Well, this is going to come as a shock to everyone; I'm still trying to get used to it myself, but... I'm going to have a baby.
Dave: No, you're not.
Bill: Yes, I am! I'm going to have a baby!
Matthew Brock: Wow, you're hardly even showing!


"NewsRadio: Catherine Moves On (#4.7)" (1997)
Matthew: Bill. I'm fixin' for another homoerotic adventure on the big muddy.


"NewsRadio: Apartment (#5.12)" (1999)
[Matthew is quizzing Dave and Lisa]
Matthew: Who is your favorite member of the Brat Pack?
Lisa: Emilio Estevez
Dave: Ally Sheedy.
Matthew: No points. The correct answer is Judge Reinhold.
Lisa: Judge Reinhold is not a member of the Brat Pack.
Matthew: I'm sorry, Lisa. That will cost you one point.


"NewsRadio: The Lam (#5.7)" (1998)
Dave: Matthew, Mr. James is not hiding in prison. He just escaped from prison.
Matthew: Dave, we have to think likle Mr. James. Mr. James is a criminal. Where do criminals like to hang out? Think about it.


"NewsRadio: Big Brother (#4.15)" (1998)
Matthew Brock: I called one of those Big Brother organizations.
Lisa Miller: They let you do that?
Beth: She means, good for you.


"NewsRadio: Balloon (#4.17)" (1998)
Dave Nelson: You pick a fine time to do some work.
Matthew Brock: I'm not really working. I'm so nervous I'm just hitting keys randomly.
Dave Nelson: Well, be careful you don't accidentally write something.


"NewsRadio: Awards Show (#3.6)" (1996)
Matthew Brock: I have itchy, red welts on my buttocks.


"NewsRadio: New Hampshire (#5.22)" (1999)
Jimmy James: I brought this for Matthew.
Matthew Brock: What is it?
Jimmy James: It's a sprig of genuine Balsam fir all the way for New Hampshire.
Matthew Brock: It smells like really good disinfectant.


"NewsRadio: Twins (#3.18)" (1997)
Andrew, Matthew's Twin Brother: Dude, we're still brothers. It's just that we're not twins. And biologically speaking, we're not actually brothers, either.
Matthew Brock: But we look so much alike.
Andrew, Matthew's Twin Brother: No we don't. I'm three inches shorter than you are. You have blond hair, I have brown hair. I have green eyes, you have blue. I can grow a beard. I'm Jewish! How old are you?
Matthew Brock: Twenty-eight.
Andrew, Matthew's Twin Brother: And how old am I?
Matthew Brock: Twenty-nine. But I just thought it was because you came out first.


"NewsRadio: Xmas Story (#2.10)" (1995)
Dave: I really hate to say this, but it is the thought that counts.
Matthew: Yeah, and these are the result of a really cheap, crappy thought.


"NewsRadio: Daydream (#3.7)" (1996)
[Joe is daydreaming that he has turned everyone else into robots]
Matthew Brock: Say, when are you going to turn me into a robot?
Joe: Parts come this weekend.
Matthew Brock: Excelent. Thanks, master.


"NewsRadio: Sleeping (#3.21)" (1997)
Joe Garrelli: How do you feel?
Jimmy James: How do I feel? I feel like crap! How do you think I feel?
Joe Garrelli: What was it like?
Jimmy James: Well, I was in a dark corridor, and there was a bright light at the end, and as I was walking towards the bright light I hear Dave and Lisa arguing. "I want a baby." "When?" "Right now." And on and on and on. I listened for a second, and then I started *running* towards the bright light. But then I heard music. Slow Ride, you know, from Foghat? And I decided, if only I could hear that one more time, and so I came back.
[Bill plays Slow Ride]
Jimmy James: Yeah, that's the one. All right, I heard it. My work is done.
[Slumps down]
Matthew Brock: Doctor! Doctor!
Jimmy James: Gotcha!


"NewsRadio: The Breakup (#2.4)" (1995)
Joe Garrelli: Look, we don't really care what you two do.
Catherine Duke: We have our own lives.
Bill McNeal: Today was just a chance for us to...
Matthew Brock: Shake out the sillies.
Bill McNeal: Please don't finish my sentences.


"NewsRadio: Coda (#2.20)" (1996)
Matthew Brock: As you know, I have been trying to find something to do together.
Bill: We already have something to do together. It's called work.
Matthew Brock: The softball team didn't work for whatever reason.
Joe: Maybe that's because to play softball you need a bat.
Matthew Brock: I know that now.
Joe: And a ball.
Matthew Brock: Whatever!
Lisa: If you're going to get us all Knicks tickets like last year, at least buy them all in advance.
Matthew Brock: I said whatever! Who knew New York was such a big sports town?


"NewsRadio: Arcade (#3.4)" (1996)
Matthew Brock: I don't see what's wrong with the sandwich machine.
Beth: What's wrong is that they only change the sandwiches every few months.
Catherine Duke: Has anyone even had one of those dried-up, leathery things?
Bill McNeal: What are we discussing?
Dave: The sandwich machine by the stairway.
Bill McNeal: Best sandwiches in the city. They're an acquired taste, but like wine and cheese, a good sandwich needs to be aged properly. In the olden days, a pheasant would be aged for weeks before it was suitable for consumption.
Lisa Miller: In the olden days, people died of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.


"NewsRadio: Chock (#4.11)" (1998)
Lisa Miller: Matthew, did you catalog all those tapes on the sanitation workers strike?
Matthew Brock: Yeah, I wish.


"NewsRadio: Bill Moves On (#5.1)" (1998)
Matthew Brock: Dave, if by some incredible miracle Bill does come back, don't tell him I put his coffee mug in my pants.


"NewsRadio: Meet the Max Louis (#5.2)" (1998)
Matthew Brock: Joe, how long are you going to be in my computer? I need to work.
Joe Garrelli: You don't work, you just play computer solitaire.
Matthew Brock: Well, one man's solitaire is another man's bread and butter.


"NewsRadio: The Shrink (#2.5)" (1995)
Dave: [To Joe, who is helping Matthew] Don't you have work of your own to do?
Matthew: Dave.
Dave: What?
Matthew: This is his first step toward recovery. Please don't crap all over it.


"NewsRadio: Space (#3.24)" (1997)
Matthew Brock: [Matthew has just accidentally killed the WNYX staff, leaving he and Bill as the last humans in existence] Now what?
Bill McNeal: Well, I guess it's up to us to start a new race of human beings.
Matthew Brock: Oh, right. But no gay stuff, OK?


"NewsRadio: Spooky Rapping Crypt (#5.10)" (1998)
Joe: [after listening to Matthew's story of being ritually abused by Lisa] It sounds like you went through quite an ordeal.
Matthew: Yeah...
Joe: It also sounds an awful lot like last year's office Halloween party!
Matthew: Nice try, we didn't have a Halloween party last year.
Joe: Yes we did. You had too much of Max's Spookadelic punch and you made out with that girl from accounting who smells like garbage.
Matthew: No, I did not.
Joe: And then you passed out right there.
Matthew: Nah, I would have remembered that.


"NewsRadio: Rose Bowl (#3.15)" (1997)
Dave Nelson: Matthew, Bill is not a god.
Matthew Brock: Time will tell.