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: Dave, when am I getting my job back? Dave
: You have to have patient, Matthew. We're doing the best we can. Matthew
: Well, I'm doing my part. Dave
: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely what got you fired in the first place.
: Did you commit any crime that was not SAT related? Lisa
: I broke into the library. Beth
: To vandalize it? Lisa
: No, I had a big history test, and my only copy at home of the Federalist Papers was abridged.
: Do you think Ernest Hemmingway ever had a book reading that was that bad? Dave
: I don't think Margeaux Hemmingway ever had a book reading that was that bad.
: They shouldn't even call it a test if you can't get an A+ on it. Dave
: Maybe they'll hand out gold stars. Lisa
: Gold stars are for babies.
: [Looking in Dave's desk
] Dave, whatever happened to that photo of your mother? Dave
: Can you believe someone stole it? Jimmy
] Oh, right.
: I don't test well. Everyone knows standardized tests are fundamentally racist. Dave
: Beth, I know your parents should have talked about this, but... Beth
: I know I'm white. I'm just not white like you, Dave.
: I'm afraid to ask, but what was your federal offense? Lisa
: Breaking and entering. Dave
: That's not a federal offense. Lisa
: It is if it's a post office. Dave
: Oh, Lisa. Lisa
: I had to find out the scores to my SATs, and it was a long weekend.
: I have a copy of the test. Dave
: Excellent. Now Dean Wormer can't put Delta House on probation.
: It's a polygraph test. Dave
: Polygraph? You mean a lie detector? Joe
: Sure, if you want to sound like an idiot.
: Now, Dave, I bet you've never even thought about shoplifting. Dave
: I have so shop-
[polygraph machine buzzes
: Aren't you the cutest thing? Dave
: I'm not the cutest thing.
[polygraph machine buzzes
: I want you to look around. Here we have Lisa, who today very nearly gave up a career in journalism for a life in the fast food industry. Over here we have Beth, who dresses like a barmaid from "Blade Runner." Mr. James, a millionaire who has spent the entire day eating food he knows for a fact to be spoiled. Joe, who has earned upwards of 11 dollars working as an amateur surveillance expert, albeit half of that is Monopoly money.
[Matthew is peeking from behind his desk
: And of course, Matthew, who appears to have taken the surveillance into his own hands.
: Hey Joe, any luck? Joe
: No. And I talked to the guards downstairs in the lobby and he hasn't passed through, so he's still in the building. Dave
: That's so ODD. Matthew
: No, Dave, it isn't odd, it is reality, and you'd better buckle your seatbelt, because reality SUCKS! Dave
: Ever been bitch-slapped?
: He's so good. Hard to believe he was fired from 37 different stations. Dave
: Don't ask, don't tell. Beth
: Are you saying he was a gay Marine?
: I know why he was fired from all those jobs. Dave
: Why? Matthew
: Because I hate him.
: Max, everyone is just a little bit weird. Max
: I collect buttons. Dave
: That sounds like a normal hobby. Max
: And rubber bands. I put peanut butter on absolutely everything, even steak. Dave
: Well, it's an acquired taste, but it's hardly... Max
: I still have the sweater my mother knitted for me when I was a baby. Dave
: That's sweet. Max
: ...and I'm wearing it right now.
: So I can just be myself? Dave
: Yes. Max
: Indulge my likes and dislikes? Dave
: Yes. Max
: Feel free to express my opinions? Dave
: Absolutely! Max
: Can I use my own voice? Dave
: Max, I would like nothing more. Max
: [Speaking in Dave's voice
] Dave, I can't thank you enough. Dave
: Oh, that's just... Ew!
: And I put aluminum foil on all my windows. Dave
: To keep out the light? Max
: No, to keep them clean, only it doesn't work.
: My sources tell me that there is no sign of a Max Louis working on any of those stations. Dave
: And by sources, I assume that means other electricians? Joe
: We're everywhere, Dave. But don't worry. We like you.
[Mr. James talks Dave into letting Lisa go undercover
: Mr. James, why are you so gung ho about this? Jimmy James
: Because investigative reporting is the lifesblood of American journalism. Besides, I lost my golf date this afternoon so I'm kinda bored.
[Lisa wants to go undercover
: Look Lisa, you've never done undercover work before. It's too dangerous. Lisa Miller
: Well if you ask me, this place could use a little bit of danger. Dave
: Fine, I'll get Matthew to replace the fluorescent light bulbs again.
: Actually, I brought Steve over to help you, Dave. Dave Nelson
: Oh, so he's going to assist me. Andrea
] That's a cute way of putting it.
: Bill, I would like you to meet Steve Johnson. Bill
: Hi, Steve. Steve Johnson
: [Stretches out his hand to Bill
] Hello, Bill.
[Bill punches out Steve
] Dave Nelson
: That was your plan? Bill
: I panicked. Dave Nelson
: Yeah, well, you can't just... Bill
: I only did it for you, Dave. Dave Nelson
: Yeah, that's what John Hinckley said. Bill
: Which reminds me of a little song... Dave Nelson
: What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway? Bill
: I'm working on an act. Dave Nelson
: I thought your whole life was an act.
: Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan? Joe Garrelli
: That's a secret.
: [as Beth takes down a photo of Matthew as employee of the month
] This is so depressing. Dave Nelson
: I recall that's what you said when we put the picture up in the first place.
: That's a very cunning plan, but now is not the time for cunning plans or crazy capers. Lisa Miller
: Dave, you never want cunning plans or crazy capers.
: Bill, I have asked you, I have begged you, now I am ordering you. Get that piano out of here. And Matthew, if you don't get out of this building right now, I will call security!
[Matthew comes out from behind a plant and runs away
: These guys, they've done documentaries about all the heavy hitters. Talking about, Ted Turner, Bill Gates, Rupert Murdoch, Bruce Wayne... Dave Nelson
: Sir, Bruce Wayne is Batman. Jimmy James
] Silent night / Religious right / Jesse Helms / Sleeps tonight...
: Everybody! Lisa Miller
, Dave Nelson
] Something something... Bill
] Madeline Albright.
: Hey I have an idea. I'll give up coffee, if you give up cigarettes. Huh? We'll go through this together. Bill
: But you should have to give up something of equal difficulty. Like going to the bathroom.
: I'm Bill, we are now officially a non-smoking office. What you are doing can be punishable by a 100 dollar fine. Bill
: You're kidding. Dave
: No, I am not kidding.
[Bill hands Dave a $100 bill
: Bill that's not how it's supposed to work. Now put that out.
: Here Bill I want you to put one of these on your back.
[Takes a nicotine patch out of a paper bag
: What is it? Dave
: It's the patch. Lisa
: Don't you need a prescription for those? Dave
: Yeah, I went to my doctor this morning and had him prescribe them for me. Lisa
: But you don't smoke. Dave
: Yeah, but I told him that I was thinking about starting. You know, I don't think he's a very good doctor.
: It smells like an ashtray when I pee. Is there anything you can do to help with that? Dave
: Gosh, I hope not.
: I just didn't realize the Patch had side effects. Bill
: And I didn't know you're only supposed to wear one at a time. Dave
] How many did you have on, Bill? Bill
: Fifteen, sixteen. Had 'em going around my waist like a little belt.
: Mr. James, I didn't see you come in. Jimmy
: Yeah, I like it that way. Like that magician... Dave
: David Copperfield? Jimmy
: No. Dave
: Siegfried? Jimmy
: No. Dave
: Roy? Jimmy
: That's the one.
: Hey Bill, I'm your friend. Bill
: Oh yeah? Where were you last night at 3 A.M. when I was watching Steel Magnolias and crying my eyes out?
: You know, I'm not sure what exactly it is that caffeine does for you, but I'm pretty sure without it your head caves in.
: [drinking coffee in Dave's office
] You don't mind, do ya? Dave
: Oh, no, gosh no, Bill, please enjoy! Bill
: Ah, the ol' Java Jive. Chock Full o' Nuts? They should call it Chock Full o' Flavor!
: You see, it's like the old saying, "Everybody loves a cane." Dave
: No, Bill. I think the old saying is "Everybody loves a clown." Which is what you look like with that thing.
: You do realize I'm just going to go and buy another cane, don't you? Dave
: Yeah, and I'm just going to steal it again... Bill
: Touche. Beth?
[Beth tosses Bill a cane
: Here's one you can take right now.
[Beth tosses Bill a cane
: This one you can break later.
[Beth tosses Bill a cane
: Here's one for the Hamptons.
[Beth tosses Bill a cane
: This one I like, I keep. Bill
: [Beth tosses Bill a cane
] This one displeases me.
[Bill leaves Dave's office in frustration at not having found his cane. Dave subtly steps in front of the window
: You stepped in front of the window. Dave: I did what? When I moved to the door you moved in front of the window as if you were protecting something. Dave
: Ok, Bill. Bill, I'm asking you to leave. Bill
: You taped it to the side of the building or under the window sill! I read your book, you magnificent bastard! Dave
: Ok, Bill. I-I-I-I'm now I'm now ordering you to leave! Bill
: I'll leave, but first I'm looking out that window. Dave
: Bill, you're gonna feel pretty stupid when it's not out there. Bill
: It's out there. I know it's out there! Dave
: Bill? yes, Dave? I stole your cane!
[Dave walks to the window, reaches outside and retrieves Bill's cane from under the window sill
: Bill, I'm sorry. I-I don't know why I-I did it and and and I-I-I I'm, I'm sorry, Bill. Bill
: That is the most childish, immature thing I've ever seen you do! Dave
: No, this is...
[Dave breaks the cane over his knee
: Ah, but you knew I was going to do that? Bill
: No, that one caught me by surprise.
: Do you know what makes this country great? Dave
] What? Jimmy
: I don't know, but I do know this. If Henry Ford and John Chrysler'd been sleeping together, Hell we'd be... we'd all be traveling around in horse buggies.
: What did you do in high school when they gave out a pop quiz? Dave
: I hyperventilated and got a note from the nurse.
: Nice out there today. Perfect cane weather. Dave
: Well, then Central Park must be full of idiots with canes.
] Dave. Dave
: Matthew, why are you whispering? Matthew Brock
: Because lately Joe has been looking at me with hate in his eyes. It's like he's zapping me with hate rays. Zap, zap-zap-zap. Dave
: Zap, zap-zap-zap, eh? Matthew Brock
: Dave, please don't mock me. Dave
: It's very hard not to.
: So, what you're-what you're sayin' to me is that, uh, because of your personal relationship you see the value in non-competitive cooperation? Dave
: Well, yes. Jimmy
: That may work wonders in the bedroom, but I tell you what, do me a favor and keep that kind of crap out of my office.
[Bill is frustrated that he has no ideas for his new book
: Did you know that when Dan Rather was 19 he was the youngest photographer for the Associated Press? Dave
: Okay, well, what were you doing at 19? Bill
: Drinking. Dave
: Well, how about how hard it was to break into the industry? You know, all the struggles... Bill
: My aunt owned a radio station. She hired me to try to get me to stop drinking.
: What's so interesting about radio? Dave
: I think radio is a fascinating medium. Bill
: You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you.
: How much have you done so far? Bill
: The outline. Dave
: How long is it? Bill
: Two words: "The outline."
: Knock-knock. Dave
: What do you want, Bill? Bill
: No, Dave. Knock-knock. Dave
: Oh, okay. Who's there? Bill
: Bill McNeal. Dave
: Bill McNeal who? Bill
: That's really all I have so far.
: You're gonna be big, son. Bigger than... Say, Dave. What's the name of that guy who's really big? Dave
: Andre the Giant? Jimmy James
: No, no, the one that's not dead yet. Dave
: Hulk Hogan? Jimmy James
: I think I have a title. Dave
: What is it? Bill
: I Suck: The Bill McNeal Story.
: You told them, didn't you? Dave
: Told them what? Bill
: That I haven't written a word. That my life couldn't fill a haiku, let alone a whole book.
: What is this? Dave
: Bill's making a deal to write a book. Lisa Miller
: What kind? Dave
: Authobiography, sort of like that Howard Stern thing. Lisa Miller
: You mean about the ins and outs of lesbianism and sport spanking? Dave
: I certainly hope so. Lisa Miller
: I bet you do. Dave
: I'm just thirsty for knowledge.
: [confronting the staff
] Nobody has to tell me anything because... I was hiding under the desk the whole time!
[the staff is upset at Dave's eavesdropping. Jimmy steps in
: Now, look, people, it doesn't matter whether...
: Dave, you were under the desk the whole time? You didn't tell me that. Dave
: Well, it was kind of unintentional, sir. Jimmy
: Oh, I see, right. Now, look, people, it doesn't matter whether...
: Actually, y'know what, this is all pretty pathetic. I'm gonna have to distance myself from you. I'll see ya, Dave.
: You're the boss, you're supposed to be thick-skinned. Dave
: I am plenty thick-skinned. Jimmy
: Come on, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out.
[Mr. James lays his hand over a lit candle
: Sir, you don't have to impress me. Jimmy
: Wanna know the secret? Dave
: Wild guess... Thick skin? Jimmy
: Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it fifteen, sixteen times, it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.
: Hey, Mike! Mike Eisner! That's Mike Eisner. Great guy, great guy. Got skin like a rhino. Dave
: I think that's Mike Ovitz. Jimmy
: Doesn't matter. They're all the same.
: I never touch any of that mass-produced crap. Dave
: Well, that's very neo-Luddite of you. Joe
: Well, that's very neo-unnecessary-big-word of you.
: Say, is your mom still married to that guy? Dave
: You mean my dad? Jimmy
: Yeah. Dave
: I'm afraid so, sir. Jimmy
: Well, if she ever changes her mind...
: [to Dave, who is lying prone on his desk
] Are you OK? Dave
: Yeah, fine. I'm just resting up for that big sale at... Baby Gap.
: Is that what girlfriends do? Lisa Miller
: Well, I said you, you looked cute. Dave
: I just keep trying to figure out in my head, I mean, does she really love me, or is it just the thrill of possibly being picked up on charges of corrupting a minor?
: [to the staff
] You know what? I was a little concerned that I was coming off as, I don't know, an insane Norman Rockwell bible school boy maniac.
: Listen up, people, this is what we're gonna do. Bill McNeal
: Standard subway crisis. We know what to do, Dave. Dave Nelson
: I didn't know there was a standard procedure for this. Bill McNeal
: Oh, sure. We send a reporter to the scene, he asks the transit police if he can go into the tunnel, they say no, he says okay, I go on the air every eight minutes and say, "Still no news on that disabled train." Dave Nelson
: Bill, if I may, I'd like to try something different this time. Bill McNeal
: Okay. How about this? We send a reporter, transit police, go in, no, okay, I go on the air every seven minutes, blah, blah, blah.
: It's not the desk itself, it's what it represents. Dave Nelson
: Which is... Bill McNeal
: Actually, it is the desk itself.
: I have a question. Dave Nelson
: Yes, Bill? Bill McNeal
: I don't have a new desk. Dave Nelson
: Bill, that's not a question.
: If Bill gets a new desk, I want a new desk. Dave Nelson
: Bill's not getting a new desk. Bill McNeal
: Thanks for letting me down so gently.
: Did you give me the job because we're going out? Dave Nelson
: Of course not. Lisa Miller
: [Kisses Dave
] Thanks. Dave Nelson
: I gave it to you 'cause you're so darn cute.
: I'm sorry if you've gotten the impression that I treat Matthew better than everyone else. That is simply not true. Matthew Brock
: Well, you don't have to make it sound so implausible.
: Wanna tell me about the morale problem out there? Dave Nelson
: Everyone's a little distracted about the crisis situation. Jimmy James
: I think there's a little more to it than that. Dave Nelson
: No, there isn't. Jimmy James
: I think there is. Dave Nelson
: I may have made an small error in judgement. Jimmy James
: And what would that be? Would that be the new desk for Matthew, or the dinner with Matthew, or the dinner with Lisa, or the second dinner with Lisa? Dave Nelson
: Okay, I made three or four small errors in judgement. Jimmy James
: Those weren't errors, those were decisions. The only error is you're letting them walk all over you and second guess your desicions. Dave Nelson
: You're right, sir. Jimmy James
: And now you're letting me do it. you want my advice? Dave Nelson
: Yes. Jimmy James
: Well, I'm not gonna give it to you.
: Yes, I have a question. Dave Nelson
: Yes, Bill? Bill McNeal
: How long has Matthew been lobbying for a new desk? Dave Nelson
: Oh, there was no lobbying. He just happened to mention it over dinner one night. Matthew Brock
: Oh, Dave... They... they don't need to know about our dinners. Bill McNeal
: So... dinner and a desk. What's next, you're gonna get him a pony?
: Did you ever send out those naked pictures? Beth
: What? Who told you about those? Dave
: Well, nobody told me. I had some film developed and they threw in some nudie pictures of you for free. Beth
: What? Dave
: I'm kidding, Beth. Lisa told me. Beth
: Well, you know I faxed the nudie pictures to Keith, and he invited me to come visit him next week. Dave
: Oh, yeah, well, that's great. Beth
: Yeah, well, so can I have the week off and a two-thousand dollar salary advance? Dave
: No. Beth
: I'll show you the naked pictures... Dave
: Ah, OK, we'll talk.
[Lisa bursts into Dave's office
: Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?
: [into speakerphone
] Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back.
: Dave, why don't you just tell her what turns you on and get it over with? Dave
: Because that would ruin it. Beth
: Why's that? Dave
: To tell you the truth, what really turns me on is when Lisa is mad at me. Beth
: OK, I wish I didn't know that. Are you going back to her place now? Lisa
: [calling impatiently from the other room
] Dave, are you coming? Dave
: Oh, yeah.
: OK, um, ever since I was 14, I've always fantasized about making love on the space shuttle... Lisa
: Well, that's, that's, that's adorable, Dave. Dave
: ...with a space prostitute. Lisa
: [long pause
] Alright, you're joking again. Dave
: I wish I were. Lisa
: Well, do, do you think you can give me a fantasy that's just a little bit more reasonable? Dave
] Ok, uh, let's try this. Come here.
[motioning for Lisa
: Uh, I'd like to go up on the roof of my building, bring up a blanket, and a very good bottle of wine, and make love with a space prostitute.
: Dave, what do you do when you're in a relationship and the sexual heat starts to fade? Dave
: Gosh, I don't know. Ask my boss about it?
: That's all for this morning meeting, unless anyone has anything they like to say. Catherine Duke
: I do. Today would have been Mahatma Gandhi's birthday, and I think than, in his honor, we should all observe a moment of silence.
[Everyone bows their head
] Bill McNeal
: Mahatma who? Catherine Duke
: Mahatma Gandhi.
] Bill McNeal
: A great man. Catherine Duke
: Shut up. It's supposed to be a moment of silence.
] Bill McNeal
: Sorry. Catherine Duke
: Well, thanks for everything. We'll try it again next year. Matthew Brock
: I bet if we lived in India, we'd get like a three-day weekend or something. Bill McNeal
: I think we should also have a moment of silence for Ben Kingsley, who, as we all know, played Gandhi in the movie of the same name. Catherine Duke
: Ben Kingsley's not dead. Bill McNeal
: No, but he's a hell of an actor, isn't he?
: Morning, wage apes. Dave
: Mr. James, I thought you had vacation this week. Jimmy James
: I'm on it. Dave
: You are? Jimmy James
: Why travel when you have the resources of the world's greatest city right here? Dave
: Right. Jimmy James
: Yeah. I'm gonna go use the can.
: You've never seen a scary movie? Beth
: Yeah. My parents let me watch the Wizard of Oz when I was six and it gave me nightmares for years. Dave
: Oh, right, the Wicked Witch. Beth
: No, Dorothy.
: Why don't you call a specialist? Joe
: I am a specialist. Dave
: At what? Joe
: At everything.
: In judo, when the big man comes at the little man with all his force, it's the wise little man who gets out of his way. Lisa
: Yes, but if the little man is so wise, then why is he so small?
: [Leaning out an open window
] Say, Dave. What the Dow close at today? Dave
: Let me check... 6020. Jimmy
: 6020? Dave
: Yeah. Jimmy
[Jimmy drops out the window; cut to reality, Jimmy is still on the window
: I'm sorry, Dave. Say, Dave. What the Dow close on today? Dave
: Let me check... 6030. Jimmy
[Considers dropping out the window for a moment
: Our ratings suck. Dave
: I wouldn't say that. Jimmy
: What would you say? Dave
: Well, I would say that because of the idiosyncrasities of our current economic climate and shifts in our demographic pool, that... our ratings suck.
: Say, Dave. Remember when I hired you, I said that I wouldn't interfere with your decisions? Dave
: Let me see... yeah, I do. Jimmy
: Damn! I was hoping you wouldn't, 'cause I have a great idea to boost our ratings.
: Say, what was that you said about judo? Dave
: Oh, yeah. When the big man comes at the small man with all his might, it is the wise man who steps aside. Lisa
: Yes, but at the end of the match, one man is small and wise, but the other man is big and wiser. Dave
: Yeah, he knows not to mess with the little man again.
: Wait a minute... were you one of those guys in high school who spent half his time at the arcade, hunched over the machines with all the other pale, friendless virgins?
: Don't be silly.
: I don't see what's wrong with the sandwich machine. Beth
: What's wrong is that they only change the sandwiches every few months. Catherine Duke
: Has anyone even had one of those dried-up, leathery things? Bill McNeal
: What are we discussing? Dave
: The sandwich machine by the stairway. Bill McNeal
: Best sandwiches in the city. They're an acquired taste, but like wine and cheese, a good sandwich needs to be aged properly. In the olden days, a pheasant would be aged for weeks before it was suitable for consumption. Lisa Miller
: In the olden days, people died of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
: Well, it's finally happened. Dave
: What? Lisa Miller
: I'm becoming stupid. Dave
: You don't say? Lisa Miller
: The brain starts to deteriorate after age thirty. Dave
: Where did you hear that? Lisa Miller
: I don't remember... See? See?
: I hope I didn't just sign for a stolen jeep, Radar. Beth
: Dave, I don't watch Star Trek.
: I don't see how you can eat those sandwiches. Bill McNeal
: I'll admit they're not what you would call conventionally tasty. I guess they just remind me of the sandwiches my mom used to make. Dave
: Your mom made you sandwiches like that? Bill McNeal
: She used to make a month's worth in advance and put them for me on a box out in the porch. She was quite a woman. Dave
: I'll bet she was.
[the arcade game has been replaced by a fortune telling machine
: Come on, isn't she cool? Dave
: No! No! Where's the fun in that? Beth
: Dave, I know in time you'll grow to love her.
[Gives Dave a quarter; he drops quarter into machine
: I wish I were big.
: [addressing the video game
] Well, it's been a long time, Stargate Defender. Dave
: [imitating computerized voice
] Indeed it has, Dave.
: Good job on that phone bill, Dave. I see you were able to block those 976 numbers. Dave
: How did you know I did that? Jimmy
: I'll see you tomorrow, Dave.
: They're just going out to lunch. It's no big deal. You and I go to lunch. Lisa
: Yeah, at my apartment... and we don't eat. Dave
: True enough, but at least we're staying trim.
: Could you guys just pretend to work when I walk by?
: Do you want to go to lunch? Lisa
: No, thanks. I'm not in the mood. Dave
: Okay, you want to get something to eat, then? Lisa
: [after talking on Dave's phone
] Charming woman. Dave
: Who? Jimmy
: Your mother. I accidentally hit your speed dial.
: How do I look? Dave
: Very snazzy, Bill. Bill
: Thank you. Lisa
: Yeah, in a sleazy kind of way.
: So, like I was saying, a problem is what you make of it. If you think it's going to be big, guess what it's going to turn out to be ? Dave
: Big. Jimmy
: Bam. Dave
: Boom. Jimmy
: Love it. Dave
: Shame wibbling. Jimmy
: You got that right. Dave
: Amen. Jimmy
: Yeh. Oh, this morning, satellite of mine blew up on takeoff. Dave
: Hmm. Cost? Jimmy
: 10 million. Dave
: Result? Jimmy
: Immense set back. Dave
: Milk? Jimmy
: Spilled. Dave
: Gonna cry over it? Jimmy
: Not even. Dave
: Uh uh. Right now, I'm sitting on a rather sharp tack. Have been for about an hour. Jimmy
: Oooh. That hurts. Dave
: Life's a bitch... Jimmy
: ...then you die. Dave
: My... Jimmy
: ...oh... Dave
: Made something for you, dude. Dave
: What is it, a time machine? Joe Garrelli
: Do you see a steering wheel on this thing?
: It's a white noise machine. Some electronic noise to help you relax. Dave
: Aren't those things supposed to be smaller? Joe Garrelli
: Welcome to the big leagues, Dave, 'cause those little babies only have three settings at the most. Dave
: Uh-huh? And this one? Joe Garrelli
: What the hell is this? Jimmy
: I put it on your desk for you. It's one of those executive stress relievers. It looks like a little alien. Joe Garrelli
: No it doesn't. Beth
: See, whenever you feel stressed, you squeeze it like this. Matthew Brock
: David, I'm going to adopt six cats for you.
[Dave squeezes the stress reliever so hard, it explodes
: Thanks, that really did the trick.
: Dave, I think you're getting too attached to that white noise machine. Dave
: I wouldn't expect you to understand. Lisa Miller
: Why not? Dave
: Because your overly analytical mind prevents you from enjoying the kind of things that... well, human beings enjoy. But I wouldn't worry about it. We've all got our little hang-ups. Lisa Miller
: Well, that's a stone-cold bummer, Mr. Natural, but we all just gotta keep on truckin'.
: [to Max
] Beth's just being nice to you because she seeks the approval of her father. But don't flatter yourself. Any older man will do. Beth
: That's not true! Dave
: Maybe you're right. Maybe she wants to have sex with you as well. Still, don't flatter yourself. Any older man will do.
: Well, I know. But as the employer, it is your job to make your employees feel that they are part of the decision-making process. Dave
: Is this something you learned from that stupid book on Japanese management techniques? Lisa
: You don't actually have to LISTEN to them. Just pretend to. It helps to create a more harmonious group energy. Dave
: Again, is this from that stupid book on Japanese management techniques? Lisa
: This is just a standard management technique that has been used by personnel supervisors since the days of... Ho Lu, grand emperor of the Wu dynasty.
: You can't just pluck someone off the street and put him on the air. Bill
: Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered? Dave
: That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered. Bill
: Don't confuse me with the facts.
: Matthew, I would like your input on something. Matthew Brock
: What up? Dave
: Catherine is sick today, and I want to put Lisa up on the booth. Matthew Brock
: My input on that is that I should do it.
: Catherine is out sick today and I want your input on who should take her place. Bill
: Me. I can handle it. Dave
: I think it's too much work for one man. Bill
: [Chicago accent
] How about my friend Eddie from Chicago? Dave
: Is he a real person or just another voice? Bill
: Another voice. Dave
: No. Bill
: [Hindu accent
] What if he were from India?
: So, you want to work in radio? Theo
: Anything is better than what I'm doing now. Dave
: What's that? Theo
: I give motivational speeches at corporate events.
: Boss? Dave
: Theo. Beth
: No. Dave
: Yes. Beth
: Why? Dave
: Because. Catherine? Beth
: Sick. Dave
: Why didn't you... Beth
: You were talking to... Dave
: Lisa? Beth
: Oh my god...!
: Wait a minute, this isn't one of your weird nephews, is it? Jimmy
: No, no, no... yes. This is one of my normal nephews. I tell you, he's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack-smoking porn freak.
: Why did you do that? Bill McNeal
: It's just a little harmless hazing, and as far as hazings go, pouring hot coffee and hot sauce on someone's head is relatively mild. Lisa Miller
: You put hot sauce in there? Bill McNeal
: I remember this one time in college we got this pledge drunk, tied him up, locked him in the trunk of a car, abandoned the car in a junkyard... Dave Nelson
: And then? Bill McNeal
: What? Dave Nelson
: How did he get out of the car? Bill McNeal
] You know what, I gotta make a phone call.
: Beth, what is your problem with Walt? Beth
: Isn't it obvious? I've been working here for five years making next to nothing, and this new guy waltzes in... Dave Nelson
: Beth, he makes nothing. Beth
: You see? Already he almost makes almost as much as I do.
: Uncle Jimmy? I didn't know we were bringing in one of Jimmy's boy toys... Dave Nelson
: Bill! Mr. James doesn't have boy toys. This is actually one of Jimmy's nephews. Bill McNeal
: Oh. Because I thought... Dave Nelson
: I don't care what you thought.
: I'm giving Walt an entry-level position at one of my chemical plants. Dave Nelson
: But, sir. Radio is in his blood. Jimmy
: Radio, bauxite smelting, it's all the same, really.
: Look, it's only a birthday present. It just means I'm glad you didn't die partway through the year.
: You know, despite what Joe says, I think the boat is sinking. Dave
: Well, that's what I've been saying all along. What made you come around? Jimmy James
: Well, I think it was when Joe drowned.
: I realized that there were some things in life that you can't find in the afterlife. Lisa Miller
: Like love? Dave
: No, coffee. Speaking of which, do you have any? Lisa Miller
: Love? Dave
: No, coffee. Lisa Miller
: No, I don't. Sorry. Dave
: Well, then what's the point?
[Sinks back down
: All I'm saying, and this goes for all of you, is that there have been iceberg sightings.
] Lisa Miller
: Icebergs? Please, Dave, get real. Matthew Brock
] Look out! I'm a big old iceberg and I'm coming to get Dave!
: Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet. Matthew Brock
: Aw, gee whiz! Dave
: Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it. Matthew Brock
: Darn. Dave
: Matthew! Matthew Brock
: Shucks! Dave
: Well, I never!
: I have a date later with that Molly Brown chick from upstairs. Dave
: How's that going? Jimmy James
: Second base. I hear she's into the suffragist movement, so I'm guessing she's a little hot to trot.
: Dave, why don't you just give me the big bonus? I'll get you a cup of coffee...? Dave
: Alright. You've got a deal. Beth
: You called my bluff, Dave.
: Everybody gets an equal bonus of $400. Dave
: That sounds good, sir. Jimmy
: Except for one lucky person who gets a bonus of $3000, or as I like to call it, "The Big Bonus". Dave
: That's very generous of you, sir. Jimmy
: And also, one employee gets a bonus of $0, or as I like to call it "The Shaft".
: Today's the big day. Are you stoked? Dave
: I suppose so, sir. And you? Jimmy
: Me, I'm miserable. Deciding the yearly bonuses is pure hell. Dave
: How so? Jimmy
: Well, you take a human being and assign a dollar value to his head. It's the devil's work, Dave. It's bad hoodoo. Dave
: I can imagine. Jimmy
: Deciding the annual bonuses used to be the hardest part of my job. Dave
: What changed it? Jimmy
: I made it the hardest part of your job. Dave
: Since when? Jimmy
: Since right now. Dave
: Oh, thank you, sir.
: You know, the $400 bonus is fine. Jimmy
: I'm glad you like it. Dave
: But the big bonus and the shaft, I prefer not to do those. They just foster an atmosphere of resentment and paranoia in the office.
[Mr. James gives Dave a sly grin
: Oh, I see.
: Don't tell Mr. James anything, but here's what we're gonna do. We'll pool all the bonus money and divide it equally among everyone. Beth
: So everyone gets the same bonus. Dave
: That's right. Matthew
: And no one gets the shaft. Dave
: Exactly. Matthew
: I think this idea is a winner. I like it. Bill
: This idea is both fair and democratic. Dave
: Thank you, Bill. Bill
: And I want no part of it. It reeks of communism, and penalizes the person who most deserves the big bonus, and speaking as that person, I cannot support it.
: I have a message you can pass along to Mr. James. Dave
: What is it? Joe
: Did you know there's a switch that controls all the power to the station? Dave
: I did not know that. What about it? Joe
: Nothing. It just makes me giggle. You know what else? Dave
: What? Joe
: I'm the only one who knows where it is. Dave
: I'm new to these parts, but where I come from we call that a threat. Joe
: That's what we call it over here, too, Dave.
: Johnny, Mr. James might be going to prison. Why are we celebrating? Dave
: Care to take this one, Dave? Max
: Johnny wants Jimmy in jail. It is all part of his evil plan. You know, the evil plan I've been warning you about. Johnny Johnson
: Mr. James, I would just like to say that, unlike some people here, I never fell for Johnny for a second. Dave
: That's a lie. You've been jumping around Johnny like a trained monkey. Max
: Quick question. Who here doesn't like a tattle tale? Show of hands.
: Why was I not invited to the anti-Johnny Johnson movement? Dave
: Because you love him. Max
: Sir, did you really have a plan, or was all that just dumb luck? Jimmy
: Dave, what you call dumb luck was really... let's go get that drink.
: Where is Johnny? Dave
: In there, waiting like a lamb to slaugther. Jimmy
: Want me to slaughter him? Dave
: Yes, please. Jimmy
: All right. The Angel of Death has spoken. You may watch if you like.
: Here's my plan. I will get back my empire from Johnny... someway... somehow. Dave
: That's your plan? Joe
: Awesome plan, dude. Jimmy
: Thank you. Matthew
: I know a way to make it even awesomer. One, you get back the empire, and two, you take us all out for banana splits afterwards.
: Bill, have you ever heard the expression "It's easier to catch flies with honey instead of vinegar"? Bill
: Dave, have you ever heard the expression "Only a hillbilly sits around and tries to figure out the best way to catch flies"?
: Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?" Bill
: It's already happening. You've reverted back to what you were. Dave
: This is what I am. A kind, friendly, reasonable person. Bill
: You've gotten soft. You're like one of those police dogs who's released into the wild and gets eaten by a deer or something. Dave
: What? Bill
: Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?"
: I don't think you realize whom you are talking to. Airline Representative
: Why sure. I'm talking to Bill McNeal of WNYX. Bill
: Wow! I see my reputation precedes me. Dave
: Not it doesn't. He's just reading your name tag from the convention.
: Bill, we are not in New York. Bill
: We're not? Gee, and here I am mistaking the Museum of Yarn for the Guggenheim.
: Bill, don't you think you're laying it on a bit thick? Bill
: Laying what on? Dave
: The fake friendliness. Bill
: You're not gonna believe this, Dave, but I actually forgot I was faking it. Dave
: What? Bill
: After a while, I just started acting nice. Dave
: You're drunk. Bill
: Well, sure, but there's a lot more to it than that. I actually feel... friendly. Dave
: Well, welcome to the club. Bill
: You mean to tell me that you feel like this all the time? Dave
: Except when I'm around you, yeah. Bill
: Well, I gotta tell you, it feels great.
: Still no answer. We've only been out four days. Bill
: Isn't it that redhead's job to answer the phones? Dave
: Four days is a little soon to be forgetting people's names. Bill
: Four days in the vast cultural wasteland between New York and Palm Springs will do that to you.
: As I predicted, we have something of a mutiny on our hands. Jimmy
: Oh yeah! You're completely under siege. Just like that guy in that... that movie... What's it called? Dave
: Under Siege? Jimmy
: No... Dave
: Under Siege 2? Jimmy
: No... Dave
: Under Siege 3? Jimmy
: That's the one. Lisa
: I don't think they made Under Siege 3. Jimmy
: Hey... I can dream, can't I?
: Look at Disney. If the Hunchback is running a deficit, you'd think Mickey Mouse would bail him out? Hell, no! Dave Nelson
: What about Scrooge McDuck? He's the one with all the money. Jimmy James
: No, no, no. Ducks hate hunchbacks. Dave Nelson
: Then I guess they're just staying together for the kids.
: Dave, a budget is a budget is a budget, to paraphrase... Dave Nelson
: Gertrude Stein. Jimmy James
: Who? Dave Nelson
: You know, a rose is a rose is a rose. Jimmy James
: Dave, that is very poetic, but we have a budget to discuss.
: All right then, you can be the good guy and I can be the bad guy. Dave Nelson
: You are the bad guy. Jimmy James
: Isn't it wonderful when perception meets reality?
: So, how was I? Dave
: You were great. It's the pictures that got small.
[Mr. James wants Dave to tell the staff that there won't be anymore free snacks
] Jimmy James
: What are you worried about here, son? Dave
: Well, I don't know. I guess I- I cut the snacks, the staff are angry at me, they go to Bill whips them into a frenzy, and because they're weak and light-headed from the lack of snack food, that frenzy turns into a full-scale revolt, and the next thing you kno... Jimmy James
: Ok, would you stop it? Stop it! Will you relax? You got more paranoid fantasies than Stephen King on Crack!
[Dave, dressed as a woman for Halloween, looks better than Lisa
: How do you think this makes me feel? Dave
: Well, how do you think it makes *me* feel to realize at 30 that I'm much better-looking as a girl?
: Last year I won the best costume contest, came in third place. Dave
: What did you go as? Matthew Brock
: Motorcycle enthusiast. Joe Garrelli
: Gay biker. Matthew Brock
: The label clearly said "motorcycle enthusiast."
: Did you get everyone you wanted? Jimmy
: Yeah, except the mime wouldn't shut up. Is there some kind of mime authority I can report him to?
: [to Dave, in drag
] You know, I saw you sitting here, and... Dave
: I'm a guy. Mime
: I'm a mime.
: I haven't seen people this excited about a Halloween party since the fourth grade. Lisa
: Well, an open bar really rekindles the childhood spirit.
: I might as well. After all, I am the belle of the ball. Lisa
: More like party slut. Dave
[Mr. James loses big in a poker game
: What did you lose. Jimmy
: Bill. Bill
: Yes. Jimmy
: Bill. Bill
: Right here, chief. Jimmy
: I don't think you understand me. I lost Bill!
: Wait a minute, you carry your contract around? Bill
: At a time like this it doesn't seem so crazy, does it? Jimmy
: Page 15, article 4, paragraph 1. Bill
: Contract transferable to third party in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy and/or act of God - it doesn't say anything about... Jimmy
: Read your act of God, clause and clarification. Bill
: Jimmy James will hereafter and for the purposes of this contract only
[realization sets in
: be referred to as God. Dave
: Sir, can I see you in my office for a moment?
[Bill finds out Mr. James lost him in a poker game
: You can't bet me in a poker game. Jimmy
: I'm afraid I can, check your contract.
[Bill pulls out his contract
: Wait a minute. You carry around your contract? Bill
: At times like these, it doesn't sound so ridiculous, now does it?
: Someone has been rummaging in the recycling bins. Matthew Brock
: Me. I'm trying to find the winning can in that contest. Bill
: That contest was over after the Super Bowl. Matthew Brock
: The Super what?
: The photocopier will be fixed this afternoon. Apparently, someone was trying to photocopy a mirror. Beth
: Reflective glasses, actually. I was trying to prove a theory about the fifth dimension. Dave
: Well, Agent Scully, you just shorted out the entire building.
: Joe, you do not know hypnotism. Joe Garrelli
: Sure I do. Watch this. Chicken.
[Matthew clucks like a chicken
] Joe Garrelli
: Human. Matthew Brock
: What up? Jimmy James
: That's very impressive. Joe Garrelli
: Thank you. Dave Nelson
: No, Joe just told him to do that. Joe Garrelli
: Dave, with Matthew, telling him to do something is hypnotism.
[after the hypnotism session, Matthew is left acting like a chicken
] Lisa Miller
: What about Matthew? Dave Nelson
: I think he's happier that way. Lisa Miller
: You think so? Dave Nelson
: Well, I'm happier to have him that way, in any rate.
: Joe, Mr. James is a human being, not your personal plaything. Joe Garrelli
: We'll just keep that our little secret.
: Beth, what are you doing? Beth
: Lisa's puppy is licking peanut butter off my hand. Dave Nelson
: Oh, Lisa? Lisa Miller
: [Comes out of Dave's office with puppy
] Yeah? Beth
: Ew! Max Lewis
: [Coming out from under table
] For future reference, I prefer chunky.
: Dave, I'm not too strict with Daisy, am I? Dave Nelson
: No, I think you obviously care for that dog. Lisa Miller
: I don't feed her donuts like Beth does. Dave Nelson
: Well, Beth likes cleaning up puppy vomit better than you do.
: Well, sir, I think you underestimate the tenacity of Bill's personal beliefs, and what he believes in above all else... is the importance of sucking up to famous people.
: Teenagers can buy this. So could the elderly. I decided to do an on-air editorial, draw a line in the sand, as it were. Dave Nelson
: Can I make a suggestion? Bill McNeal
: Shoot. Dave Nelson
: Put aside the editorial, invent a time machine, travel back to the year 1988, and you might actually be one of the first thousand journalists to break this story. Bill McNeal
: You'd like that, wouldn't you? It's too hot. You don't want to burn your fingers. Well, someone's got to open American eyes about this. Dave Nelson
: All right, Bill, but promise me one thing: You'll stay away from the Lambada! That forbidden dance is a powder keg ready to blow!
] Bill McNeal
: I'll promise you nothing.
: And besides, you had no right to make Matthew do your work for you. Bill McNeal
: I didn't make him do it. I paid him. Quite handsomely, I might add. Matthew Brock
: Oh, let's just, let's just say I was persuaded by Bill's friends, mister...
[Looks at money
] Matthew Brock
: ...ah, Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Washington, and...
[Looks at quarter
] Matthew Brock
: Oh, Mr. Washington again.
: Hi, sold glad you could make it, Mr. D. Chuck D.
: What's up? You must be Dave. Dave Nelson
: Yes, how'd you know? Chuck D.
: Jimmy told me to look for a polite guy that would be calling me Mr. D.
: Chuck always, ah... always loves to do favor for the big man. Course, now I have to pay him. Dave Nelson
: Right. Jimmy James
: Of course I'll have to pay him. Dave Nelson
: Well, greed has never been one of your vices, sir. Jimmy James
: [Puts down phone
] I'm sorry, what? Dave Nelson
: Greed is good, money is everything, I love Big Bird, please make the call.
: Is your own life so boring that you have to obsess about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of? Bill
: Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you? Dave
: Oh, that was different. Lisa
: Why? Dave
: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband. Lisa
: It was still flattering, wasn't it? Dave
: Oh, lord, yes.
: I remember we used to have what they called key parties. You see, everyone put all their car keys into a big bowl, and at the end of the night you take a key out at random and then... Dave
: And then? Bill
: And then you get to take somebody else's car home. Dave
: I believe the point of those parties was to take somebody else's wife home. Bill
: I guess that's why they never invited me back.
: I get the steak, and I can stand the cigar smoke, but the boxing? That's just gay. Bill
: You couldn't be more wrong. It's a fine tradition dating back to the cradle of western civilization. Dave
: No, Bill, you're thinking of all-naked Greco-Roman wrestling. Bill
: I thought it was a men's club. Dave
: Different kind of men's club.
[Joe is going to participate in Ultimate Fighting
: Have you ever done this before, Joe? Joe Garrelli
: No, but I've seen it in pay-per-view. I never paid for it...
: Aren't you wondering why I came in through the window? Dave
: Right now, my curiosity is taking a back seat to my sanity these days.
: Is Matthew still out there? Dave
: Yes. Is there a problem? Lisa
: Matthew's out there. Dave
: Well, that's a problem we all have to face in a weekly basis.
: Joe, why are you mixing paint? Shouldn't you be working? Joe
: You know art comes first for me. Dave
: I did not know that. Joe
: Art comes first for me, Dave. Dave
: I see. And where does your job come in. Joe
: Fourth. Dave
: Not second or third, eh? Joe
: Beth? Beth
: Art also comes second and third for Joe. He's very sensitive.
: [after seeing the "Stinkbutt" mural Joe and Beth made
] I thought art came first for you, Joe. Joe
: It usualy does. I don't know what happened, man.
[Dave has just made an impassioned speech for preserving the "Stinkbutt" mural
] Building Supervisor
: We're painting it over. Dave
: You can't do that! Building Supervisor
: We already did an hour ago. Dave
[after Matthew gets a "promotion."
: Is Matthew superior to me? Dave
: You mean genetically? Bill
: No, just in this office? Dave
: No. Bill
: Good. How about genetically? Dave
: Well, he is ambidextrous. Bill
: You ever play 52-card pick-up? Matthew
: No, that sounds like fun. Dave
: Sometimes you make me sad.
: So, the title is more of a figurehead, is it? What are you gonna do next, Dave? Make me Queen of England? Dave
: I was thinking Marquis de le Storage Closet.
: What is with you lately? Lisa Miller
: I'm sorry. Dave
: Mm-hmm... Lisa Miller
] Just that this time of year is very hard on me, that's all. Dave
: I know, it's hard on me, too. I mean, if I hear Little Drummer Boy one more time, I swear to God...
: My brother Greg, 23 years old, just invented some stupid computer game and sold it to Microsoft. Dave
: Wow, that's cool. Which one? Lisa Miller
: I don't know. Super Karate Monkey Death Car or something.
: You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square. Dave
: Bill, you know, I worked in Milwaukee; you know, it's a city with a population of a million people. Bill
: So that must have been quite a hub-bub when that cow got loose, huh?
: I've got plenty of heart.
[after Bill comments he probably doesn't have one
: Said the Tinman to the Wizard. But you probably hated that movie, didn't you? Dave
: No, actually, I quite enjoyed that movie Bill
: By the way, Dave, I checked the box on my driver's license; if anything should ever happen to me...
[pats his chest
: ...it's all yours.
[Dave hugs Joe from behind
] Joe Garrelli
: Dave? Dave
: I'm here, Joe. Joe Garrelli
: The last guy to touch me like that got thrown through a plate-glass window.
: Are you sure it's Mike? Joe Garrelli
: It's Mike, all right. Missing most of his tail, white with a racing stripe. Now he's got a really weird surprised look on his face.
: So, I guess it's business as usual for you. To you, it must have been like stepping on a bug, except this bug had friends and a personality. And it wasn't so much a bug as a rat. Dave
: Look, Bill, I feel bad, all right. I feel terrible. Bill
: Oh, come now - you feel nothing. For you this was like stepping on a bug. Only this bug had a name and a personallity, and was a rat rather than a bug. Dave
: Look, Bill, what do you expect me to do? I mean, what can I do? Bill
: Also you didn't step on it, it died in a trap.
: [to Jimmy
] Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."
: For once, can't you be sincere and normal? Bill McNeal
: Not in real life, no. Dave
: What do you mean, "in real life"? Bill McNeal
: When I'm on the air, I open up completely, really bare my soul. Dave
: You do news, weather and traffic. Bill McNeal
: Yes, but I mean it.
: I want to have a baby. Dave
: When? Lisa Miller
: Right now. Dave
: I don't think you're taking into account the gestation period.
: You can't just make a decision this big in the blink of an eye. Lisa Miller
: Maybe you can't make a decision this big in the blink of an eye, but I can. Every decision I've ever made was like that. I remember exactly, April 26, 1983, I was on the university steps eating a cheese and steak sandwich when it hit me: radio journalism. Dave
: What were you thinking before? Lisa Miller
: That I should have had some ketchup for my cheese and steak sandwich.
: You could quit your job, just like John Lennon. Dave
: Yeah, that worked out well for him, didn't it?
: We are all a bunch of morons.
: We... Dave
: Are... Bill
: All... Editor
: A... Jimmy
: Bunch... Dave
: Of... Jimmy
: Well, beam me up, Slappy! Dave Nelson
: Actually, that's Scottie. Jimmy James
: Geek test!
: This is just like that episode of Star Trek when they entered a parallel universe where everything was the same except they were all on heroin. Dave
: There was no such episode. Jimmy
: Geek test two!
: Hey, guy... Dave
: Bill, at least call him by his name. Editor
: My name is Guy. Dave
: Hi, Guy.
: I really didn't care which version they used. I just wanted to teach Bill a lesson about humility. Dave
: Aha, and to do that you needed to waste my time. Jimmy
: Well, I wanted to teach you a lesson about cutting up Bill's stuff. Dave
: And what about that poor editor? Jimmy
: Well, I wanted to teach him a lesson about... editing, I guess.
[Matthew does a story on Joey Buttafuco
: Matthew, I think you mispronounced that guy's name a few times. Matthew Brock
: What, it's uh, Joey Buttafu... Dave Nelson
: No it isn't, Matthew! It's, uh, Buttafuoco. Butta-foo-co. Matthew Brock
: What did I say? Dave Nelson
: Well, Matthew, of all the possible mispronunciations of that name, you seem to have stumbled upon absolutely the worst one.
: If you don't want my input, just say so. Dave Nelson
: I don't want your input. Lisa Miller
: Too bad. Dave Nelson
: Especially when it's another three-hour lecture on the legal rights of a known sleazebag. Lisa Miller
: Well, what if Mister Buttafuoco sues us? Dave Nelson
: For what, defamation of character? Like we could help him with that.
: Why don't you and Lisa just bury the hatchet? Dave Nelson
: I'd love to, but apparently Lisa thinks she should have my job. Beth
: Oh, I get it. So, when a woman is ambitious she's pushy, but when a man is ambitious... Dave Nelson
: Oh, Beth, don't go into that. Beth
: Yeah, you're right. I was actually starting to make myself a little sick.
[to Dave and Lisa
] Bill McNeal
: Hey, you two. Dave Nelson
] What do you mean, "hey, us two"? Bill McNeal
: Well, I'll count again, but I think I'll get the same result.
: I'm taking the entire staff out to lunch in honor of Catherine's birthday yesterday. Dave Nelson
: Oh, is Catherine going? Bill McNeal
: No, but it's the thought that counts.
: Catherine with a C is regal. Katherine with a K is a two-bit biker chick from Jersey. Dave
: Like that cheap slut Katherine Hepburn.
: I'm going to the break room. Jimmy
: I'm driving you crazy? Dave
: Yes. Jimmy
: I get that a lot.
: Wait a minute, you wrote the review? Jimmy
: Why not? I own the damn magazine. Dave
: Isn't that a conflict of interest? Jimmy
: No, no, no, no... well, yeah.
: Aren't you curious about what our peers think about my first full year as news director? Lisa Miller
: Well, it's the New York Radio Guide. Nobody reads it except for psychotic geeks obsessed with every little detail in the incestuous world of New York radio. Bill
: Is that the '96-'97 New York Radio Guide? It is, isn't it? It's here, everyone, it's here! The Alpha and the Omega has arrived.
: Oh God, I have created a monster. Catherine Duke
: No, he was already a monster. You just made him a very popular monster.
: Hear me well, for as of today, a new Dave is born, a Dave that is, for lack of a better word... pure evil.
: I know what you're going to say... Catherine Duke
: What? I was just going to say how could you ever leave a woman who makes such exquisite cakes?
[gives Dave a bite of cake
] Dave Nelson
: Say, that is good. Is that lemon zest? Joe Garrelli
: You know it.
: Okay, I'm not fine. I'm not fine. Catherine Duke
: Ya sure? Because you seem fine. Dave Nelson
: Well, you know, the old Dave-the old Dave would be fine. The well-meaning, even-tempered, easy-going Dave he'd-he'd be fine with his. But I'm not fine. And you know what? That Dave, that Dave, unfortunately, today is dead. Catherine Duke
] No, he's not. Dave Nelson
: Oh, yes he is. Hear me well, as of today, a new Dave is born. A Dave who, for lack of a better phrase, is... pure evil. Catherine Duke
: Pure evil? Dave Nelson
: Pure. Evil. Joe Garrelli
] Hey, Dave, can I borrow five bucks? Dave Nelson
: Sure, Joe, my wallet's in my desk.
] Dave Nelson
: Where was I? Catherine Duke
: Um, pure evil. Dave Nelson
: Pure. Evil. And by embodying pure evil, as I now do, in one short week, I will have my old job rightfully rebestowed upon me. Catherine Duke
: You're gonna get Lisa fired? Dave Nelson
: Oh, lord no. No. I mean, that wouldn't be fair. It's not her fault. I mean, I shouldn't make her the target of my, uh, y'know, my, my... Catherine Duke
: Pure evilness? Dave Nelson
: Yeah. I'm still-still getting the hang of it. Catherine Duke
: Yeah, well, don't you worry about it, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. Dave Nelson
] Thanks. Catherine Duke
: Look, Dave, why don't you get up and get me a soda? Thank you. Dave Nelson
: [goes for it and then stops
] Catherine Duke
: Ooo, Dave! That's a good start! Okay, go with it, go with it. C'mon more, more! Dave Nelson
: Get your own damn soda. Catherine Duke
: Yes, yes, yes! Alright, come on, come on. Dave Nelson
: [tries for a moment
] That's really all I've got right now.
: I'm not sure I can handle this. Do you know what a big James Caan fan I am? I mean, he's like the real life Don Corleone. Dave Nelson
: No he isn't. That was Marlon Brando. James Caan played Sonny Corleone. Matthew Brock
: Oh, I've watched that movie so many times I can't tell who's who anymore.
: [watching Green Acres
] Did you know that there were six Arnold the pigs? This was number three. Not my favorite.
: Why don't you read a book? Dave Nelson
: Like what? Lisa Miller
: Like Anna Karenina. Dave Nelson
: Oh, no. I lost a whole semester of Cheers reading Anna Karenina. I'm not making that mistake again. Lisa Miller
: I'm reading it for the third time. Dave Nelson
: You read the same thing over and over, and I'm the one with the brain made of mush?
: I'll have you know that a lot of intellectual people watch television. Lisa Miller
: Oh, really? Name one. Dave Nelson
: Dave Nelson.
[Dave and Lisa are forced to campaign for a job neither wants
: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates. Dave
: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail. Bill
: Gooood answer.
: Well, Lisa's the people's choice. It's a done deal. Dave, you're the new boss. Congratulations. Dave
: What? Lisa Miller
: Yes! Jimmy James
: See, Lisa's the boss everyone likes, and Dave's the boss everyone respects. Lisa Miller
: I respect you. Dave
: Shut up. Jimmy James
: Come on, everyone. You all want a boss you can respect?
] Jimmy James
: Maybe even a boss you hate a little bit?
[Others still disagree
] Jimmy James
: That's settles it. All hail Dave, the hated boss!
: Lisa and you were both strong candidates. There was really no way to choose between you two. Dave
: Then why did every single person vote against me? Bill
: Joe voted using a random number generator. Beth voted against you because Lisa gets fewer phone calls and doesn't like coffee. Matthew is a lifelong Republican, so he had no choice. Dave
: And why didn't you vote for me? Bill
: I still think I did. I guess this is one of those things we'll never know the full truth.
: This meeting has to be top secret. I do not want Lisa to know about it. Dave
: Then why are we having it in her office?
: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then... I still don't care.
: Did you see the hot babe by Catherine's desk? Get a load of the warheads on that battleship. Dave
: That's Ruth, Mr. James' fiancée to be. Bill McNeal
: And a fine woman she is, sir.
: Could this discussion continue the way it started, without me?
: [Bill's face is covered with soot after trying to escape through the stairwell
] Hi there. You know, I think talking pictures are going to ruin Hollywood.
[Max is eating a sandwich
] Dave Nelson
: Max. That's my lunch. Max Lewis
: Really? I don't see your name on it.
[Dave holds up the lunch bag, and it is clearly labeled "DAVE"
] Max Lewis
: Well, I don't see your name on the actual sandwich.
: Sure, we've all wanted to kill Matthew, but what good would that do? Jimmy
: It would make him dead.
: Joe, we don't need a science reporter. Joe Garrelli
: Dude, I'm offering my services for free. Dave Nelson
: Yeah, but just so that you can beam your messages to space. Joe Garrelli
: Lucky guess.
: Max, the break room is not your personal hunting ground. Max Lewis
: I know. I prefer to think of it as a game preserve, where everyone is free to take their best shot.
: Mr. James, are you guilty in any way? Jimmy
: Dave, I'm not going to lie to you.
: And? Jimmy
: That's it, I'm not going to lie to you.
: Dave, you know I think the world of you, but you can't deal with Johnny Johnson by yourself. He eats the hearts of guys like you for breakfast. Dave
: Sir, I'm serious. Jimmy
: So am I. Have you ever been to a restaurant in Kuala Lumpur?
: Nice... nice green duffel bag you got there. Johnny Johnson
: Thanks. I found it in some of Mr. James' belongings Dave
: Where? Johnny Johnson
: Landfill in Mongolia.
: Hey, Johnny. Did you hear me? Johnny Johnson
: Sorry, missed it. I'll catch you next time. Max Lewis
: Aw, I can't do it if you're not listening, boss. Dave
: Yes, you can. Max Lewis
: I wasn't talking to you!
: I'm not selfish and self-centered, am I? Dave
: I think you should bear in mind that you're asking an ex-boyfriend. Lisa
: No, I'm asking an employee. Dave
: Well, then no.
: I find that being loved is no longer enough. I need to give love back. I need a baby. Dave
: Why don't you get a puppy? Bill
: Had one. Ran away. Dave
: A cat? Bill
: Had one. Ran away. Dave
: A fish? Bill
: Had one. Asphyxiated while attempting to run away.
: I am about to do something that will fundamentally change my life. I... Beth
: You're getting a liver transplant! You're donating your liver to someone! Dave
: You can't do that. Joe
: Yeah, that's what they want you to think.
: Well, this is going to come as a shock to everyone; I'm still trying to get used to it myself, but... I'm going to have a baby. Dave
: No, you're not. Bill
: Yes, I am! I'm going to have a baby! Matthew Brock
: Wow, you're hardly even showing!
: Say, Dave. You know that personal document you're printing? Dave Nelson
: The one that is none of your business? Joe Garrelli
: Yes. It's actually printing out in that printer over there. The one that is hooked up to the network. Dave Nelson
: Thank you, Joe. Joe Garrelli
: No problem, dude.
[after a pause, Dave bolts to the printer
: [Reading Dave's memo to Lisa
] Oops! Dave Nelson
: What? Bill
: This is a word that, in my experience, the ladies don't particularly go for. Dave Nelson
: Oh, that's just a typo. It's supposed to read "pushy."
: Even if I did blab your personal life to the world, no one would believe me. Dave Nelson
: Why not? Bill
: Because I am widely believed to be an inveterate liar, and rightly so.
: I know it's a crummy story but someone has to do a piece on the Williamsburg Bridge renovation. Lisa Miller
: Give it to me, Dave. I'll take it. Joe Garrelli
: That's not the first time Dave's heard Lisa say that. Dave Nelson
: Give it a rest. Bill
: I'll bet that's not the first time Lisa's heard Dave say that. Lisa Miller
: Look you really don't want to get into this. Catherine Duke
: I bet Dave's never heard that one before. Dave Nelson
: Seriously, this is a very sensitive area. Beth
: Oh that's what she said. Lisa Miller
: Okay I'm telling them. Bill
: And I'll bet that's not... Actually that doesn't really work, does it?
: They're not going to fire everyone. They'll probably just... hold us all to our contracts and change the format to Soft Rock of the Seventies until we get so sick of hearing "Afternoon Delight" that we kill ourselves and they hire new people to fill our positions. Dave
: That imagination of yours is an absolute curse. Lisa
: Yeah... my parents didn't let me watch television.
: All I know is I'm not going to get fired. Catherine
: Why not? Joe
: Because of this.
[Joe holds up a small electrical component
: What's it do? Joe
: I don't know. But I took it out of the radio transmitter, and only I know where to put it back. Dave
: Are we still on the air? Joe
: Not in Jersey.
: I love the smell of a negotiating room in the morning. Smells like... Dave
: Victory? Jimmy
: What? Dave
: Like victory, from Apocalypse Now, yeah. Jimmy
: Dave, I'd love to discuss movies with you, but I have a negotiation to close.
: This is bogus! Completely bogus! Dave
: What exactly is so bogus about it? Joe
: I don't know, but there's something bogus in there somewhere.
: Sir, you know that I don't necessarily think you'd make a bad president, right? It's just that I think you'd be wiser to start out smaller. Jimmy
: Oh, come on, Dave. What am I going to do- run for prime minister of Cambodia and work my way up? No, that's not me. I'll tell you what- between you and me, I think I can WIN this thing. Dave
: Maybe. Or MAYBE, you'll just make an ass of yourself in front of the entire nation, uh, lose all your money and your credibility, and become known as that crazy old man that children taunt by shouting, 'how's it going, Mister President.' Jimmy
: I don't see Bob Dole complaining about it. Dave
: I just think you should slow down. Jimmy
: No. No David, if nattering nabobs like you had their way, NOBODY would run naked through the Chicago Mercantile Exchange.
: Did you lose a bet, sir? Jimmy
: Huh? Lisa
: You know, like with one of your rich friends- the loser has to run for president, ha ha. Jimmy
: No... See, last, uh... last time I made a bet with a rich friend, oh yeah, heh- I ended up streaking through the Chicago Mercantile Exchange at noon. Dave
: Ouch. Jimmy
: What do you mean 'ouch,' I was the winner on that one.
: [about his moustache
] Giggle if you must. Chicks love it. Dave
: Matthew, do me a favor and turn around. Matthew Brock
[Matthew turns around to face Beth, Lisa and Catherine; Beth screams and runs away, Lisa laughs, and Catherine slaps him
: There has to be an alterior motive. Bill
: I know what it is. Dave
: What? Bill
: Insanity. The man's going crazy, and we've got front row seats.
: You know, Dave, I considered, what, thirty, thirty-five people for this job. Most of them had more experience than you, but you want to know what made you so special to me? Dave Nelson
: Oh, what's that, sir? Jimmy James
: [Cell phone rings, he answers it
] What? Huh? Well, make it fast. I'm in the middle of telling the guy why he's so special to me. No, no, it's work-related.
: [looking at a stocks report
] Ten points? What, are you kidding me? You pulling my chain? Dave Nelson
: Sir, is there something wrong? Jimmy James
: I own a lot of Euro Disney.
: Mr. James, the Ed Harlow situation: it has been confronted and resolved. Jimmy James
: Wow, that was fast. Boy, you are a cold-blooded son of a gun, Dave. But, God bless you. I didn't think you were the firing type. Dave Nelson
: Actually, Ed quit. But that saves you two weeks severance pay. Jimmy James
: Quit? No, I didn't want Ed to quit. I wanted you to fire him! Dave Nelson
: Well, that's really sort of a moot point now, isn't it, sir? Ed Harlow
: [comes out of the elevator, kicks the box with his effects to Dave
] Get the box, would you, Dave? Jimmy James
: Dave, Ed quits three times a week. Hell, sometimes he comes in on Sundays just to quit a few times without any distractions. Dave Nelson
: I did not know that. Jimmy James
: Well, it looks like you've got a walking, talking moot point to deal with, don't it. Pick it up.
[Dave picks up Ed's box
: What's on your mind? Dave Nelson
: Two things. Well, first, I want you to promise me when my time is up here, you'll tell me yourself and not have my replacement fire me. Jimmy James
: What's the second thing? Dave Nelson
: Well, uh, I wanted to let you know that I understand now that what you put me through today was a test. Jimmy James
: Could be. Or, could be I'm just making it all up as I go along. Dave Nelson
: Which is it? Jimmy James
: You'll never know.
: Nothing's been stolen from my desk. Dave Nelson
: You don't have a desk. Joe Garrelli
: Not that you know of.
: Dave, we have to get rid of that door. Dave Nelson
: No, we don't. Matthew Brock
: Yes, we do. A bird just died flying into it. Dave Nelson
[They go look
] Matthew Brock
: See? There it is. Dave Nelson
: Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen. Matthew Brock
: The poor thing. Dave Nelson
: You didn't even bother to defrost it.
: I have a very important question. Dave Nelson
: Of course, Matthew. In case a magical wizard casts a spell on us...
: Thanks for the offer, Dave. I'd rather have you out here taking care of the door. Dave Nelson
] What? Bill McNeal
: Oh, never mind. Didn't realize relieving myself was going to turn into the Danish Inquisition.
: So, you'd be willing to give up evil for Lisa? Johnny Johnson
: Oh, in a heartbeat. If Lisa married me, I'd finally be able to give up all this shallow corporate intrigue and pursue my real dream. Dave
: What's that? Johnny Johnson
: Teaching English as a second language.
: Matthew, Mr. James is not hiding in prison. He just escaped from prison. Matthew
: Dave, we have to think likle Mr. James. Mr. James is a criminal. Where do criminals like to hang out? Think about it.
: Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that Johnny is evil. Dave
: All right? Max Lewis
: Doesn't it make you want to serve him all the more? Dave
: No, it doesn't. Max Lewis
: I just don't get you, man.
: I am well aware that he is evil. That doesn't mean he can't be a fun date. Lisa
: I don't want to be a pawn in a corporate game. Dave
: Why not? It's fun.
: I take the complaint box very seriously and I seem to be the only one who does. Bill
: A complaint about the complaint box, delicious.
: The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend. Dave
: Soul. Bill
: To those who have one, yes.
: [By radio
] What is it? Joe
: An official complaint box. Jimmy
: What's it look like? Joe
: Kinda like a box. Jimmy
: I like it. Dave
: Well, who wouldn't after that beautiful word picture?
: I see you have stormed the dean's office. What are your demands? Joe
: [to Jimmy
] College humor, sir. Jimmy
: I never went to college. Joe
: Me neither, sir. Jimmy
: Right on, brother!
: You know, I don't think people are scrutinizing us as much as you seem to think. Lisa Miller
: Yeah, that's what the Rosenbergs said.
: Do you have another shirt? Dave Nelson
: Sure. Here you go.
[hands Lisa a blue shirt
] Lisa Miller
: Dave, this is identical to the one I have on. Dave Nelson
: No it isn't. That one is Azure and that one is Lapis. Lisa Miller
: Can I have another shirt, please? Dave Nelson
: [pulls out a series of blue shirts
] Let's see, there's Indigo, Sapphire, Sky, and Standard Blue. Lisa Miller
: Ever see Rain Man, Dave?
: You know, back in the service we had a saying: You can't expect your troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant. Dave Nelson
: What, what branch of the service were you in, sir?
: It's getting ridiculous. I mean we spend half of our time sneaking around here like, uh, the, like the... Lisa Miller
: Like the Rosenbergs.
: Mr James, you are not going to fly around the world in a hot air balloon? Jimmy James
: Oh, yes I am. Dave Nelson
: With whom ? Jimmy James
: All by myself. Dave Nelson
: When ? Jimmy James
: Today. Dave Nelson
: Why ? Jimmy James
: Because it's there. Dave Nelson
: What's there ? Jimmy James
: What's where ? Bill McNeal
: Who's on first ? Jimmy James
: I don't know. Bill McNeal
: Third base!
: You pick a fine time to do some work. Matthew Brock
: I'm not really working. I'm so nervous I'm just hitting keys randomly. Dave Nelson
: Well, be careful you don't accidentally write something.
: You're chewing tobacco? Bill McNeal
: I'm giving up smoking, not nicotine. Dave Nelson
: Chewing tobacco is just as dangerous as smoking. Bill McNeal
: To my gums, not my lungs. Just trying to mix it up a little.
: Worried about the big chief, little chief? Dave Nelson
: Uh, yeah, yeah, Bill, I am kind of worried about it. I mean, there's a fine line between eccentricity and downright, suicidal foolhardiness. Bill McNeal
: I know. I walked that line every Saturday night. Dave Nelson
: Why, back in the old days of radio, they had nothing but jungle drums to beat the morning weather and traffic reports from village to village. But did they complain? Dave Nelson
: Hell, no! Bill McNeal
: Do you hear me complaining? Dave Nelson
: Hell, no. Because you negotiated a secret raise that caused all the problems in the first place. Bill McNeal
: Right... No! What?
: Bill, what possessed you to negotiate a raise that would cripple the station? Bill McNeal
: Greed. Dave Nelson
: And what has that greed gotten you? Bill McNeal
: Money. Dave Nelson
: And what has that money gotten you? Bill McNeal
: Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up!
: You've really done it this time, Bill. You've bankrupt the station, nearly stripped us bare, and on top of that you broke poor Matthew's heart. I hope you're proud of yourself. Bill McNeal
: How do you think I feel? Everyone hates me now. I mean, not like before when they only sorta hated me. This is the real stuff.
: There's a saying, "I cried because I had no desk, until I met a man who had no feet, and the no feet guy explained there was no such thing as a budget and WNYX was way, way over it, uh, the end." Did you ever hear that story? Dave Nelson
: Yeah, I think I have. That's from The Inspirational Teachings of Reverend Jim Jones, right?
: Lose something, Bill? Bill McNeal
: I'm just looking for coffee. Dave Nelson
: Are you sure you're not looking for some erotic literature? Bill McNeal
: Is that Canadian for porno mag?
: You're leaving the kids alone with us? Jimmy James
: Yeah. I'm taking their teacher out to lunch to discuss educational imperatives for the 21st Century. Teacher
: Ready to go, Jimmy? Jimmy James
: You have no idea. Dave Nelson
: Educational imperatives, eh, sir? Jimmy James
: Well, in the immortal words of Van Halen before that idiot Sammy Haggar joined the group and ruined it, I'm hot for teacher.
: I'm sorry, Beth, but this is a boys-only meeting. Missy
: Why? Matthew's Kid
: Because girls are stupid. Matthew Brock
: I did not teach him that. Matthew's Kid
: Yes, you did. Beth
: I think we know who our future congressman is.
: Sir, I thought they'd be a little older. Jimmy James
: Yeah, well, that's what I thought when I met you, Dave.
[after a therapist admits he's a sex addict
: I'm sorry, I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as gettin' a lot?
: Just remember, Dave, let it out... Dave
: Or sweat it out. Yes, I know, sir. I just love advice that rhymes.
: Morning, Catherine Catherine
: What's good about it? Dave
: I didn't say "good morning," I only said... Catherine
: Go to hell! Dave
: [To Joe, who is helping Matthew
] Don't you have work of your own to do? Matthew
: Dave. Dave
: What? Matthew
: This is his first step toward recovery. Please don't crap all over it.
: I say we just die with our boots on. Dave
: What does that have to do about anything? Jimmy
: Nothing, I just wanted people to notice my new boots.
: Matthew couldn't even go to the bathroom by himself. Dave
: Yes, he could. Lisa Miller
: No, he couldn't. Dave
: He couldn't? Lisa Miller
: I take full responsibility. Jimmy
: That's noble of you, Lisa, but this is not the Bay of Pigs. Dave
: Good, because Bill is certainly not John F. Kennedy. Bill
: I'll take that as a compliment, because if I was, I'd be dead now.
: Clearly, she can't handle Bill. Dave
: Nobody can. I'm the only one who comes close, and I don't even know what I'm doing half the time.
[Dave is sitting at his desk
: Prepare to be knocked on your ass. Dave
: Aw damn, I'm already on my ass. Why don't you try me again later? Bill
: You know I will.
: Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop. Dave
: What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge?
: Just because all the women are gone doesn't give you license to behave like animals. Bill
: Why not? Dave
: I'm just saying don't get too comfortable, seeing as they will all be back tomorrow. Lisa
: I'm a woman. Matthew
: But you're different. Lisa
: No, Matthew, *you're* different.
: I'm a woman, right? Dave
: Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so...
: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you? Dave
: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they'd probably just get together and push me.
: Well, Lisa, it looks like you'll be going to New Hampshire after all. Lisa
: How come Matthew's not going? Dave
: Apparently, if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes his cats start plotting against him. Lisa
: And people say *you're* whipped.
: I love April Fool's Day. Dave
: Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it February? Jimmy
: Yeah, but if I did it in April I'd lose the element of surprise.
: Guess how many pieces of gum Beth chewed last year. Lisa
: Seven hundred and fifty. Dave
: I took Lisa out to lunch. Dave
: Did you? Bill
: It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more. Dave
: Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you? Bill
: Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it. Dave
: Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave. Bill
: I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman. Dave
: Lisa is not my woman. Bill
: And how.
: You guys remember that secret employee evaluation I did last week? Dave
: No. Jimmy James
: You see all those people secretly evaluating everything you did? Lisa
: No. Jimmy James
[Talking about his vacation in Japan
: Oh, Dave, oh my, you would-you would have loved it. A week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs... Dave
: Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I've been to Canada.
: Have you ever lost something very dear to you? Dave
: Well, yeah. Yeah, when I was twelve, we had this dog... Bill
: I was thinking more along the lines of a massive sum of cash.
: [Dave knocks out the lights by accident with his sword
] Dave. Dave
: Yes? Lisa
: I need a new chair. Joe
: [in a faux feminine voice
] Woo-ooo. The lights go out and the love talk starts. Catherine
: I wish I had a sweet papa like that. Dave
: Listen, everyone: there, there's absolutely no favoritism at play here, alright? Lisa
: Dave, shut up. Dave
: I am on your side. Lisa
: I know. I just don't think that the time to bring it up is to wave a huge sword around in a dark room. Catherine
: Mmm mm mm mm mm.
[Dave has hired an ex-friend of Beth's to work with her for the day
: What's up? I mean, did she steal your old high school sweetheart or something? Beth
: Oh, yes, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know, men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail King Man!
: But yeah, she did steal my high school sweetheart.
: [looking through files
] Mr James, comma, Water Investment, comma, White? Jimmy
: [takes file
] I never invested in any water. No water. What, are you talking about water? This is silly. Dave
: Well, sir, doesn't that actually mean "White Water Investment"? Jimmy
: Doesn't what means "White Water Investment"?
: That file. Jimmy
: What file?
: So you told them that it was company policy not to date employees? Dave
: That's right. Joe Garrelli
: Wait a minute, what about you and Lisa? Dave
: This policy only applies to Matthew. Joe Garrelli
: That makes no sense at all! Matthew Brock
: Yeah, it does. You'd be surprised how many company policies apply only to me.
: [hands Dave a plank
] Dude, hold this.
[Dave takes the plank
] Lisa Miller
: What is this, like judo? Joe Garrelli
: No, judo is for sissies. This is pure Garrelli.
[Joe hits the plank; it doesn't break
] Dave Nelson
: Wanna try it again? Joe Garrelli
: Nope, that's it. Lisa Miller
: It didn't break. Joe Garrelli
: It's not supposed to break. My talent is hitting things real hard and not hurt my hand.
: No offence, Joe, but that is not really a talent. Joe Garrelli
: That's big talk coming from a tap-dancing jelly maker who may or may not have been a high school thespian.
: Come on, people! In the right hands, knife targeting is safer than driving.
: Please keep it down. I can't work with all that crunching. Bill
: Well, maybe I can't crunch with all that working, so let's call a truce.
: Lisa, I just want you to know that I hate you and I'm telling everyone what you are like in bed.
: We're all very proud of you. Catherine Duke
: I'm proud too. Proud to have met all of you. And in all my years in WNYX, what I'm most proud of... is what's happening at my appartment right now.
[Cut to Joe at Catherine's appartment, dressed in a robe and lighting candles; he hears the door opening, so he disrobes and stands in front of the door, completely nude; enter Bill with flowers and a bottle of wine
: Here's Mister Won...
[Sees Joe naked
: ... derful. Catherine Duke
: [answering machine
] Hello, you've reach Catherine. Leave a message after the beep.
] Catherine Duke
: Hi, Joe. Hi, Bill. If you're listening to this, then I am the happiest woman in the world.
[laughs, then hangs up
: [Offers Joe the flowers
] I guess these are for you.
: To a foodie, a gourmet kitchen is indispensable. Lisa
: A "foodie"? Max
: Someone who appreciates - nay, adores - food.
[Sticks out his stomach for emphasis
: In other words, a glutton. Max
: In other words, a connoisseur.
: It's gonna be tough to decide between you two. Max Lewis
: Well, I have a solution that avoids the problem all together. Jimmy
: Oh, you do? Max Lewis
: I have decided to vote. Dave
: That's great, Max. Max Lewis
: ...for myself. I want this apartment - and I shall *have it*!
[Matthew is quizzing Dave and Lisa
: Who is your favorite member of the Brat Pack? Lisa
: Emilio Estevez Dave
: Ally Sheedy. Matthew
: No points. The correct answer is Judge Reinhold. Lisa
: Judge Reinhold is not a member of the Brat Pack. Matthew
: I'm sorry, Lisa. That will cost you one point.
: It's awkward meeting the boyfriend's parents for the first time. What if I snap and just start shouting obscenities uncontrollably? Dave Nelson
: Then I will just tell them that you're a whore that I picked up at the airport.
: [Joe is taking down the Christmas decorations
] Joe, what are you doing? Joe Garrelli
: You know how depressing it is when you come back from Christmas break and the decorations are still up? Dave Nelson
: Yeah? Joe Garrelli
: Preemptive strike, Dave.
: There, I took down all the Christmas decorations and threw away the Christmas tree. Dave Nelson
: Great, Joe. Now you can fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.
: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn't mean you cut them out of your life. Dave
: Oh really? Isn't that actually the definition of ending a relationship?
: Dave, we need to discuss the promos. Dave
: Oh, all right.
[They make out
: Actually, we really need to discuss the promos. Dave
: Yeah, we need to find a less confusing code word.
: [Bill is ignoring his interviewee
] What the hell is he doing? Lisa
: Whenever he gets like this, we always go to the Emergency Broadcast System signal. Dave
: Nah, I already tried that three times this week.
: You don't recognize you own phone number? Dave Nelson
: He changes it every week. Bill McNeal
: Why do you do that? Jimmy James
: Security. Joe Garrelli
: Big Brother? Jimmy James
: My whole damn family, actually.
[Dave finds movie tickets from Lisa on his desk, which Bill thinks is proof she's going out with someone
] Bill McNeal
: What movie? Dave Nelson
: What does it matter? Bill McNeal
: Don't twist the knife, Dave. Just answer the question. Dave Nelson
: Amistad. Bill McNeal
: Ooh! Total make-out flick!
: Could you please leave the paranoid conjecturing to Bill? Joe Garrelli
: That's not how I operate, dude.
: You're Canadian? Jimmy
: I am? Lisa
: Not you, sir. Him. Jimmy
: Oh, no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave? Dave
: Yeah. Lisa
: [holds up Dave's birth certificate
] Well, then what is this all about? Dave
: What is what all abo... ab... uh, what's what? Lisa
: You're afraid to say it, aren't you? Dave
: No. Lisa
: Yes, you are. Dave
: No. Lisa
: Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, Dave, say "about." Dave
: No. Lisa
: Say it! Dave
: No. Lisa
: Say "out." Dave
: No. Lisa
: "House." Dave
: No. Lisa
: "Couch." Dave
: Your honor, I plead the fifth. Lisa
: I don't know if you have that right, Dave. Dave
: I do too, eh!
: Oh my God...
: Sir, I've eaten with you dozens of times, and your table manners are fine. Jimmy
: No they are NOT fine! Listen to me. I've spent years cultivating the worst table manners on the planet. Dave
: Excuse me? Jimmy
: You don't get it, do you? Dave
: No, but... you know, I've grown accustomed to that. Jimmy
: It's an old business ploy. You intimidate the guy you're dealing with by eating like a slob. Dave
: And... that's effective? Jimmy
: Oh, hell, yes. I've cut millions off of deals by eating baked beans with my HANDS.
[Dave is teaching Jimmy table manners
: Where's the food? Dave
: It's just pretend. Jimmy
: Dave, pretend is for little girls and mental patients. Sucks on pretend! Do you have any real food? Dave
: There's, um... 10-day-old donuts. Jimmy
: All right. Dave
: Don't eat it. Bear in mind that it's 10 days old. Jimmy
: [Looking at how hard it is
] I'll try to resist.
: You can't let Mr. James take away Matthew. He's not his little puppet for his amusement. He has a very important role here. Dave Nelson
: As what? Joe Garrelli
: The little puppet that amuses me.
: Matthew has never lived more than ten miles from his mother. Dave Nelson
: We all have to leave our mothers sometimes. Lisa Miller
: When Matthew's mother dies, I envision him dressing in her clothes and murdering transients.
: You son of a bitch! How could you? Dave Nelson
: Is this Have Your Secretary Committed Day? Beth
: Ah, sarcasm. The last resort of sons of bitches.
: Dave, why don't you just ask Mr. James to buy him a car, too? Dave
: No. No, I can't. Lisa
: Why not? Dave
: Look, I'm no etiquette expert, but I think when someone is generous enough to give you six sports cars, it's in bad form to ask for a seventh.
: I really hate to say this, but it is the thought that counts. Matthew
: Yeah, and these are the result of a really cheap, crappy thought.
: Can you keep a little Christmas secret? Bill McNeal
: A Christmas secret? How jolly. Santa
: Come closer. Dave
: Are you coming, Bill? Bill McNeal
: In a minute.
[Comes closer to Santa
: I'm going to kill you.
: I got you this book. I thought you might like it. Dave Nelson
: [Reads title
] "Crazy from the Heat." David Lee Roth. Wasn't he in Van Hallen? Bill
: I'm not sure what town he's from. I think he was a singer before he turned to writing.
: Just don't hurt their feelings. Bill
: Dave, that is not my style. Dave Nelson
: Yes, it is.
: Why the hell are you here? David
: Because I don't wanna break those guys' hearts. You know, they've blown their whole lives to pursue this stupid ass dream, and I just can't do that to them.
: Why is she screwing this up? This is a no-brainer. Dave Nelson
: Well, if it was a no-brainer, I would have sent Matthew.
: [about the word "non-profit"
] It's an oxymoron. Dave Nelson
: You mean like military intelligence. Jimmy James
: Yeah, or Swiss cheese.
: Tell them that there is a spunky redhead down here. Joe Garrelli
: I don't know how to tell you this, but there's a spunky redhead in every office. Beth
: Tell me about it. Bill McNeal
: [looks at a picture on Dave's desk
] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something. Dave Nelson
: Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom. Bill McNeal
: Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.
: He probably wants us to throw him a big party, have Matthew jump out of a cake. Dave
: We already did that for his 50th birthday. Lisa
: That was Matthew? Dave
: He had a wig on, and you were drunk. Lisa
: Thank God.
: I must admit, this evening is turning out better than I thought. Lisa
: You're half loaded. Dave
: And you're not? Lisa
: Halfway doesn't do it for me anymore.
: Matthew, Bill lies to you because he thinks it's funny. Matthew
: I don't see what's so funny about it. Dave Nelson
: Well, that's kind of the point. Matthew
] Oh, now it get it.
: [after Matthew punches Bill
] Well, that went better than I could possibly imagine.
: I even understand National Public Radio. Dave Nelson
: You understand everything they say? Matthew Brock
: No, I understand that it's boring crap masquerading as bourgeois intellectual discourse and, therefore, not worth my time.
: Joe, what did I tell you about experimenting on Matthew? Joe Garrelli
: Come on, it's not like I'm testing cosmetics on him. Dave Nelson
: Not any more.
: Are you nervous about that speech tonight? Dave
: No, I'm cool. Lisa
: You're cool? Dave
: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm just... I'm, you know... chillin'. Lisa
: Well, word to your mother.
: I hear you're opening for the great one. Dave
: Tell me, where do you get your misguided confidence? Bill McNeal
: Not confidence, Dave. Experience. I have spoken in front of dozens of fraternal organizations across this great land of ours. Dave
: Really? Bill McNeal
: Shriners, Lions clubs, Elk lodges. It's like I'm their king or something. Dave
: A kingdom of fat men in little cars. You must be very proud.
: I want an assistant. Dave
: You can't have an assistant and a couch. Max Lewis
: I choose couch! Dave
: Somehow I thought you would.
: You're just as bad as Joe. Dave
: No I'm not. I'm badder.
: Joe, I didn't see you come in. How did you do that? Joe
: Old Green Beret trick. Dave
: You were a Green Beret? Joe
: No, I read a book called "Old Green Beret Tricks."
: Have you read the interview yet? Bill McNeal
: No. Dave
: Great. Why don't I autograph that for you? Bill McNeal
: Autograph? So it's gone to his head already. I like your style. Dave
: Oh, I'm not going to do it now. Uh, no, I need-I need a little time to, uh, think of, you know, uh, le mot juste. Bill McNeal
: More juice - I hear ya.
: I need you to sign off on today's installment of the McNeil Perspective. This one is kind of a hot topic. Dave Nelson
: Oh, really? Let me guess. Is this the third installment of your series on why people should be allowed to smoke in movie theaters like in the olden days? Bill
: No, no. I think I was really just preaching to the converted on that one. But it did generate some interesting mail. Dave Nelson
: Ah, yeah. Are you referring to the letter that described you as Andy Rooney without a sense of humor? Bill
: Nonsense. *Andy Rooney* is Andy Rooney without a sense of humor.
: Matthew, Mr. James and Roger would like to talk to you in the kitchenette. Matthew
: Who's Mr. Jamison Rogerwood?
: Can I have a word alone with Johhny? Joe
: Sure, but go easy on him. He seems to be very reformed. Matthew
: You mean he's Jewish?
: I want to reject Johnny, but whenever I look into those blue eyes, it's like a tractor beam for my tongue. Beth
: Yuck! Dave
: I'm gonna have to back her up on this one.
: What would you say if I told you your future was standing out there in the foyer? Dave Nelson
: It's the thought that keeps me awake at nights. Jimmy
: Well, you're gonna have to be awake in the daytime too, because get ready to shake hands with tomorrow!
[Matthew, dressed as a British Punk, is kicking the vending machine
] Dave Nelson
: Matthew, what are you doing? Matthew Brock
: [British accent
] I was trying to get a packet of crisps and this flippin' machine stole me quid! Dave Nelson
: First of all, in this country we use dollars, not quids; we call them potato chips, not crisps; and we do not kick vending machines. Matthew Brock
: You know what I say to that?
[Flashes MAYHEM tattoo on stomach
] Matthew Brock
: Revolution! Dave Nelson
: It actually says mayhem. Matthew Brock
: [regular voice
] Well, I was going to get revolution, but it was too many letters.
: When did you get the piano in here? Bill
: Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven. Dave Nelson
: Or Steve Allen.
: But he's evil! Beth
: Is he, Dave, is he, or is it just a reflection of your cold black heart? Matthew Brock
: Just shut up and get back to work! Scram! Damn hippy.
: Bill, these people are insane. Bill McNeal
: Oh, really? Then how come they elected me Prime Minister of the 15th ward this morning?
: Bill, you can't vacation in a mental hospital. It just isn't done. Fred
: Don't be so naive. You see, I have a very stressful job, so every six months I come here to relax. Bill McNeal
: See? I'm not the only one. Dave Nelson
: What do you do? Fred
: I'm an air traffic controller. It gets very stressful, so once a year I flip out and punch my fist through a radar screen, and I get sent here. Bill McNeal
: You mean you pretend to flip out. Fred
: No, I really do flip out.
: When Bill and Lisa combine their energies, their powers of persuasion go up fivefold. Jimmy
: Well, Dave... really, I appreciate your Dungeons and Dragons approach to office management, but I left my twelve-sided dice at home so I'll, uh, I'll just tell 'em, alright? Dave
: Alright. God speed, fair wizard.
: Everyone, I've decided to not have sex with Irene. Dave
: Well, that is a decision only you can make, and by that I mean that is a decision only *you* can make.
: So what's the problem? Lisa
: [Boston accent
] The problahm is that I spent seven yeahs trying to get rid of this gawd-awful Bahston accent, and forty-five minutes with Max, I'm back at the Shell Shack serving chowdah to those jehks from Hahvahd! Dave
: Hey, your sibilant S is gone.
: Mr. James, do you have any advice for the young ones? Jimmy
: Always use a condom, and if you're too embarrased to ask, just shoplift them. It's easy!
: Max is not leaving, it's just a ploy to get me to go out with him. Dave Nelson
: Wow. Your vanity equals his insanity.
: Max, how do I know you won't do anything this moronic in the future? Max
: You can't.
: What evil game are we playing, little man?
: Joe, Jesus was not born 2000 years ago today. Joe Garrelli
: Yeah? Well, I have a birth certificate that proves otherwise.
: I can't claim that I knew Ted well, but I do know that he had has passions. "Star Wars" was one. And apparently he was also a devoted member of the Ku Klux Klan. A fact I only learned moments ago. Sure wish someone had mentioned it. But there you have it. Oh, it says here that he also loved tennis.
: Last night there was an accident with the copy machine. Matthew Brock
: See? I keep telling everyone that coffee machine is nothing but trouble. Dave
: No, Matthew, I said copy machine. Matthew Brock
: That's what I said, the coffee machine. Beth
: No, the copier, where we make copies. Matthew Brock
: The coffier where we make coffees? That doesn't even make sense.
: Matthew, Bill is not a god. Matthew Brock
: Time will tell.
: Mr. James's case is in the bag, because I know something the other side doesn't. Dave Nelson
: What's that? Joe Garrelli
: That all federal judges are members of an obscure sect of the Freemasons. Jimmy James
: Wait a minute. You're telling me that our entire case is based on all judges being Masons? Joe Garrelli
: There' more to it than that. There is a secret word that, when uttered, forces the judge to rule in your favor, then go to a secret location to paddle themselves in a secret ceremony. Dave Nelson
: What is it? Joe Garrelli
: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Dave Nelson
: All right, but it better be good.
: Bill, don't ever show me a photo like that in a room where I've mentioned my mother. Bill
: She's really done it this time, buster. She's really torn it. Dave
: What exactly is the problem? Bill
: What's the problem? What's the problem? The problem is, I don't have one of THOSE. Dave
: Well, Bill, neither do I, but it doesn't bother me.
: Beth, I need you to dial 9-1-1. Beth
: Can't. My phone's not working. Dave Nelson
: Then why are you holding it to your ear? Beth
: To look busy in case you wanted me to do something.
: [Beth comes in wearing a suit
] Welcome to Squaresville, population: one. Beth
: Mr. James told me to dress more conservatively for the negotiation. Dave Nelson
: So you got a new wardrobe. Beth
: Actually, I'm borrowing this from a friend.
[Lisa comes in wearing Beth's outfit
] Dave Nelson
: All right, you can have the raise. Just dress like that from now on. Lisa Miller
: It's not funny, Dave.
: Sir, you're leaving? Jimmy James
: Dave, you don't put a piranha in the kiddie pool and stick around to watch the bubbles.
: When I have a bee in my bonnet, I find it helps if I take off my hat. Dave Nelson
: Meaning? Jimmy James
: Meaning I take my hat off, and the bee flies away. What, do I have to draw you a picture?
: Seems Johnny didn't exactly buy the ring. Turns out he stole it. Dave
: So much for the legendary hobo gold. Joe
: It was a theory.
: How's the fire? Dave Nelson
: They're calling it the Dresden for the '90s.
: Joe, my office is on fire.
: This is serious, Dave. She's out there all alone, prey to all the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City. Dave
: Sir, Beth is one of the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City.