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: They're just going out to lunch. It's no big deal. You and I go to lunch. Lisa
: Yeah, at my apartment... and we don't eat. Dave
: True enough, but at least we're staying trim.
: What happened? Bill
: Nothing. Lisa
: Well, then why was Beth on the verge of tears? Bill
: I don't know. Maybe it was Rush Limbaugh's keynote speech. Women, they'll cry at anything. Am I right, fellas? Joe Garrelli
: Don't look at me, dude. Matthew Brock
: Boo, Bill. Boo.
: Do you want to go to lunch? Lisa
: No, thanks. I'm not in the mood. Dave
: Okay, you want to get something to eat, then? Lisa
: I just don't want you to be pressured into doing something you don't want to do. Beth
: What is this, an episode of Blossom?
: You know what it's like? It's like taking your daughter to the fair and buying her cotton candy and winning prizes for her and then you get on the Ferris wheel and she wants to make out. Lisa
: Ok... Bill
: Well how could she do that to me, Lisa? How could she... french her daddy?
: How do I look? Dave
: Very snazzy, Bill. Bill
: Thank you. Lisa
: Yeah, in a sleazy kind of way.
[Dave, dressed as a woman for Halloween, looks better than Lisa
: How do you think this makes me feel? Dave
: Well, how do you think it makes *me* feel to realize at 30 that I'm much better-looking as a girl?
: You're missing the whole point of Halloween. Lisa
: Which is? Joe Garrelli
: Which is sitting in the corner and making fun of all the dorks wearing costumes.
: Now look, this is just like in high school. In high school we all liked sitting at the cool table, right?
] Matthew Brock
: Wait a minute. You all got to sit at the cool table? What was that like? Beth
: It was cool.
: I haven't seen people this excited about a Halloween party since the fourth grade. Lisa
: Well, an open bar really rekindles the childhood spirit.
: I might as well. After all, I am the belle of the ball. Lisa
: More like party slut. Dave
: Everyone here has worked really hard. Jimmy
: Matthew's going. Lisa
: Matthew barely works. Jimmy
: See? Just when you think I'm going to zig, I zag.
[after Max's "this day in history" segment
] Lisa Miller
: The Marines did not have a luau to celebrate the battle of Guadalcanal. Max Lewis
: I know. I wanted "La Bamba."
: Don't I usually hire somebody to take care of this crap for me? Lisa Miller
: Yeah, Dave. Jimmy
: Where is he? Lisa Miller
: In his office, freebasing white noise. Jimmy
: We'll just see about that.
: Dave, I think you're getting too attached to that white noise machine. Dave
: I wouldn't expect you to understand. Lisa Miller
: Why not? Dave
: Because your overly analytical mind prevents you from enjoying the kind of things that... well, human beings enjoy. But I wouldn't worry about it. We've all got our little hang-ups. Lisa Miller
: Well, that's a stone-cold bummer, Mr. Natural, but we all just gotta keep on truckin'.
: How could you do that? Max Lewis
: Do what? Lisa Miller
: Steal my idea. "This Day In History" was my idea. Max Lewis
: You should be glad that I took your little idea and gave it a little of that Max Louis pinish. Lisa Miller
: First of all, the word is pronounced "panache", and second of all, it was incredibly inaccurate. Max Lewis
: That's part of the pinish!
: This time just keep it simple, get in and get out. Joe Garrelli
] Get in, get out! Got it! Lisa Miller
: Joe, you don't have to yell. Max Lewis
: Take off your earplugs! Joe Garrelli
: I'm not wearing them, I'm just pumped!
: It wasn't even jail... it was "juvie". Bill
: Is anybody else turned on right now?
: Did you commit any crime that was not SAT related? Lisa
: I broke into the library. Beth
: To vandalize it? Lisa
: No, I had a big history test, and my only copy at home of the Federalist Papers was abridged.
: [Administering a polygraph test
] If you could be any kind of tree in the whole wide world, what... Lisa
: I stole a car!... I mean, a sycamore tree.
: They shouldn't even call it a test if you can't get an A+ on it. Dave
: Maybe they'll hand out gold stars. Lisa
: Gold stars are for babies.
: I'm afraid to ask, but what was your federal offense? Lisa
: Breaking and entering. Dave
: That's not a federal offense. Lisa
: It is if it's a post office. Dave
: Oh, Lisa. Lisa
: I had to find out the scores to my SATs, and it was a long weekend.
: Hello, Jim. You're not looking too well. Lisa Miller
: He's dead. Bill
: Oh, well then he looks great.
: I realized that there were some things in life that you can't find in the afterlife. Lisa Miller
: Like love? Dave
: No, coffee. Speaking of which, do you have any? Lisa Miller
: Love? Dave
: No, coffee. Lisa Miller
: No, I don't. Sorry. Dave
: Well, then what's the point?
[Sinks back down
: Sorry I'm late. My chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced. Matthew Brock
: I hear that. Lisa Miller
: Matthew, you wore a corset? Matthew Brock
: Not any more, I can tell you that much.
: All I'm saying, and this goes for all of you, is that there have been iceberg sightings.
] Lisa Miller
: Icebergs? Please, Dave, get real. Matthew Brock
] Look out! I'm a big old iceberg and I'm coming to get Dave!
: Well, I'm making a swim for it. Which way's New York? Matthew Brock
: There it is over there. Lisa Miller
: Matthew, that's an iceberg!
: Alright, I did not ask for the stupid award. Beth
: If I were you I'd be upset too. I mean you? Cute? Come on. Lisa
: Well, I'm not entirely uncute. I... I... why are you being nasty about this? Beth
: I'm not being nasty. You're pretty. You're very pretty in fact. But cute? I don't think so. Lisa
: Well I wasn't aware there was a difference. Beth
: Well of course there's a difference. Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and/or hyperactive - like me. Lisa
: Uh huh. What is beautiful? Beth
: Beautiful means pretty and tall. Lisa
: Gorgeous? Beth
: Pretty with great hair. Lisa
: Striking? Beth
: Pretty with a big nose. Lisa
: OK, you're making this up. Beth
: That's ridiculous, why would I make it up? Lisa
: Voluptuous? Beth
: Pretty and fat. Lisa
: Sexy? Beth
: Pretty and easy. Lisa
: Exotic? Beth
: [talking through a paper megaphone
] Attention, Lisa. Time for staff meeting. Time... Lisa
: Beth! Beth
: What? Lisa
: I'm on the phone. Beth
: But I am on the megaphone. Megaphone wins.
: Let me tell you something little miss. Advertising pays our bills, all right? Advertising pays your salary. Advertising is what made this country great! Lisa
: Well, ok, maybe I misspoke... Jimmy James
: What was the Constitution of the United States?
[Jimmy incorrectly says The Constitution when he means The Declaration of Independence
: A document... Jimmy James
: No! It is an advertisement! An advertisement for liberty! "When in the course of human events..." I'm telling ya, that's right up there with "Put a tiger in your tank," and "Where's the beef?"
: Look, for as long as I've been in this business, every time I've gotten a promotion, people have always said it was because of... well, you know what. Lisa
: Because you're black? Catherine Duke
: What? No, because of these.
[Points at breasts
] Catherine Duke
: And this.
[Points at ass
] Catherine Duke
: And the one time these and this should get me something, it goes to somebody with... Lisa
: With what? Catherine Duke
: [Gestures at Lisa
] With those, and that. No offense. Lisa
: Okay, all right, okay - these may not be those, but that isn't too shabby.
[Catherine looks confused
: My ass.
: I'm not going to do the shoot. Jimmy James
: Not doing the shoot? That's free advertisement for the station, and free advertisement... well, that's something you just can't buy.
: I had a dishwashing detergent with a great name: "Dandy Clean". Everybody trusted it, then that whole break-dancing fad hit, and my people told me to change the name so I can stay hip. The whole thing went bust in less than a year. Lisa
: What did you change the name to, sir? Jimmy
: Break-dancing Detergent.
: Here, Matthew. Matthew
: Oh, valentines. Lisa
: No, Valentine's Day was two months ago. This is a thank-you note for my wedding gift. Matthew
: Do thank-you notes have candy inside them? Lisa
: Yours does. Matthew
: Max Louis is off today, filling in for him is our own Matthew Brock with the Brock Report. Opinions expressed by Matthew Brock do not necessarily express the opinions of WNYX. Facts stated by Matthew Brock are not necessarily facts.
: I have spring fever, and there's only one cure for that. Lisa
: Mr. James, tell Joe he can't copyright my name. Jimmy
: You can't copyright any employee's name. Lisa
: See? Jimmy
: Because I own the copyrights to all your names. Matthew
, Joe Garrelli
: What? Jimmy
: When are you people going to start reading your contracts?
: Seven times. I flunked this test seven times, you know. I mean, I don't want to say 'conspiracy,' but... Lisa
: Well actually, I am starting to see a pattern here." Joe
: Ah. Uh huh. Uh huh. Lisa
: One of last year's questions was: 'In the following circuit, the potential is blank volts.' And you answered: 'I refuse to answer the question on the grounds that the design of this circuit is totally sucky.' Joe
: Yeah. I don't know how that dumb bastard ever got to be a professor. Lisa
: Oh. Well you know, that would explain why you answered the next question: 'If you want to build a thermostat that won't be affected by humidity, try this you dumb bastard.'
: I am not a mindless drone. Mindless drones should not be allowed to use technology. Lisa
: You are the Unabomber, aren't you?
: As you know, I have been trying to find something to do together. Bill
: We already have something to do together. It's called work. Matthew Brock
: The softball team didn't work for whatever reason. Joe
: Maybe that's because to play softball you need a bat. Matthew Brock
: I know that now. Joe
: And a ball. Matthew Brock
: Whatever! Lisa
: If you're going to get us all Knicks tickets like last year, at least buy them all in advance. Matthew Brock
: I said whatever! Who knew New York was such a big sports town?
: I did get an 800 on my math SATs. Joe
: Is 800 the score or the number of times you brag about your score?
: I never asked for help before in my life. I mean, I never thought I'd have to ask help from a chick. Don't get me wrong, I have asked chicks for *help*... Lisa
: Joe, that's not help, that's charity.
[after the hypnotism session, Matthew is left acting like a chicken
] Lisa Miller
: What about Matthew? Dave Nelson
: I think he's happier that way. Lisa Miller
: You think so? Dave Nelson
: Well, I'm happier to have him that way, in any rate.
: All dogs are male, all cats are female. Lisa Miller
: Daisy is most definitely, and I mean definitely, a girl. Max Lewis
: We're not disputing that. It's not a matter of sex, it's a matter of gender. Lisa Miller
: Sex and gender are the same thing. Max Lewis
: Not so. I definitely prefer sex to gender. Lisa Miller
: Well, seeing as you have neither, that must be very sad for you.
: Beth, what are you doing? Beth
: Lisa's puppy is licking peanut butter off my hand. Dave Nelson
: Oh, Lisa? Lisa Miller
: [Comes out of Dave's office with puppy
] Yeah? Beth
: Ew! Max Lewis
: [Coming out from under table
] For future reference, I prefer chunky.
: Dave, I'm not too strict with Daisy, am I? Dave Nelson
: No, I think you obviously care for that dog. Lisa Miller
: I don't feed her donuts like Beth does. Dave Nelson
: Well, Beth likes cleaning up puppy vomit better than you do.
[Bill is on the phone with Lisa during the middle of the night
: Bill, are you fully dressed?
: ...Yes Lisa
: Goodbye Bill.
: Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you? Dave
: Oh, that was different. Lisa
: Why? Dave
: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband. Lisa
: It was still flattering, wasn't it? Dave
: Oh, lord, yes.
: Aren't you worried that Joe will hurt Matthew? Lisa
: No, because Matthew will probably step on the ring, have an allergic reaction to all the cigar smoke, have a sneezing fit, and the referee will call off the fight.
: I get the steak, and I can stand the cigar smoke, but the boxing? That's just gay. Bill
: You couldn't be more wrong. It's a fine tradition dating back to the cradle of western civilization. Dave
: No, Bill, you're thinking of all-naked Greco-Roman wrestling. Bill
: I thought it was a men's club. Dave
: Different kind of men's club.
: I thought I smelled Dave's burning flesh. This is new, having the bitch session in the office of the bitchee. Matthew Brock
: It's more exciting because it's taboo.
: Anyway, I think Dave looks cute in that suit. Beth
: Oh yeah, almost just like a real grown-up. Lisa Miller
: No, he really does. He looks like he just stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting... First Day At Bible College.
: [to Dave, who is lying prone on his desk
] Are you OK? Dave
: Yeah, fine. I'm just resting up for that big sale at... Baby Gap.
: Is that what girlfriends do? Lisa Miller
: Well, I said you, you looked cute. Dave
: I just keep trying to figure out in my head, I mean, does she really love me, or is it just the thrill of possibly being picked up on charges of corrupting a minor?
[Lisa is interviewing Anthrax for MTV
] Lisa Miller
: John, is there any guitar work in this album you're particularly proud of? John Bush
: You're gonna have to ask Scott about that, since he's the guitarist. Scott Ian
: Hi, I'm Scott. Actually, some of the best work in this album is by Dimebag Darrell. Lisa Miller
: Right, from Pandera. John Bush
: I think you mean Panthera. Lisa Miller
: Right. A lot of critics say grunge has had its day in the sun. How do you guys feel about that? John Bush
: We're not grunge. Lisa Miller
: Oh. Well, I heard your album, and it's pretty heavy... Frank Bello
: Just because something is heavy doesn't mean it's grunge. Lisa Miller
: Okay, Punk rock then. Or some other type of music? Scott Ian
: Industrial? Lisa Miller
: Yes. Scott Ian
: We're not industrial.
[After Lisa was at MTV
: Well? My surprise, my surprise... Lisa Miller
: Oh, right.
[Gives Beth a Beavis and Butthead T-shirt
: Didn't they have any with just Beavis? I keep hoping those two will break up.
: What is with you lately? Lisa Miller
: I'm sorry. Dave
: Mm-hmm... Lisa Miller
] Just that this time of year is very hard on me, that's all. Dave
: I know, it's hard on me, too. I mean, if I hear Little Drummer Boy one more time, I swear to God...
: My brother Greg, 23 years old, just invented some stupid computer game and sold it to Microsoft. Dave
: Wow, that's cool. Which one? Lisa Miller
: I don't know. Super Karate Monkey Death Car or something.
: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn't mean you cut them out of your life. Dave
: Oh really? Isn't that actually the definition of ending a relationship?
: Dave, we need to discuss the promos. Dave
: Oh, all right.
[They make out
: Actually, we really need to discuss the promos. Dave
: Yeah, we need to find a less confusing code word.
: [Bill is ignoring his interviewee
] What the hell is he doing? Lisa
: Whenever he gets like this, we always go to the Emergency Broadcast System signal. Dave
: Nah, I already tried that three times this week.
: Beth, don't tell anyone, but Nancy just threatened to kill me if I tried to... Beth
: Yeah, I know. Lisa
: Were you eavesdropping? Beth
: No, she told me the same thing. You haven't eaten your pastry yet, have you?
: [about the fashion models Dave was talking to
] So, which one did you like best? The tall one with the big breasts, or the slightly taller one with the even bigger breasts?
: You know, I don't think people are scrutinizing us as much as you seem to think. Lisa Miller
: Yeah, that's what the Rosenbergs said.
: Do you have another shirt? Dave Nelson
: Sure. Here you go.
[hands Lisa a blue shirt
] Lisa Miller
: Dave, this is identical to the one I have on. Dave Nelson
: No it isn't. That one is Azure and that one is Lapis. Lisa Miller
: Can I have another shirt, please? Dave Nelson
: [pulls out a series of blue shirts
] Let's see, there's Indigo, Sapphire, Sky, and Standard Blue. Lisa Miller
: Ever see Rain Man, Dave?
: It's getting ridiculous. I mean we spend half of our time sneaking around here like, uh, the, like the... Lisa Miller
: Like the Rosenbergs.
: Matthew couldn't even go to the bathroom by himself. Dave
: Yes, he could. Lisa Miller
: No, he couldn't. Dave
: He couldn't? Lisa Miller
: Are you happy now? You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? Now a perfectly healthy young man with a bright future is dead because of you! Lisa Miller
: Bill, he was obviously crippled by mental illness. Bill
: You're obviously crippled by mental illness!
: I take full responsibility. Jimmy
: That's noble of you, Lisa, but this is not the Bay of Pigs. Dave
: Good, because Bill is certainly not John F. Kennedy. Bill
: I'll take that as a compliment, because if I was, I'd be dead now.
: You know what your problem is? You're like those diseased fish at the pet store that have to be kept in separate tanks. The problem is, you're still with the other fish.
: Matthew, doesn't' it matter to you that we've all humbled ourselves coming down here? Bill
: Oh, I didn't realize I was humbling myself.
: I can't believe he's out of our lives. Lisa Miller
: Beth, Matthew isn't out of our lives. He's not even out of the building. He's just working at that coffee shop in the lobby
[Both she and Dave break out laughing
: It's not funny. Lisa Miller
: Yeah, Dave, it's not funny.
: Aren't you curious about what our peers think about my first full year as news director? Lisa Miller
: Well, it's the New York Radio Guide. Nobody reads it except for psychotic geeks obsessed with every little detail in the incestuous world of New York radio. Bill
: Is that the '96-'97 New York Radio Guide? It is, isn't it? It's here, everyone, it's here! The Alpha and the Omega has arrived.
: And this is my cabin. Lisa
: Looks more like a rustic convention center than a cabin, sir. Jimmy
: Well, I bought 50 cabins, dismantled them and then reassembled them into one big-ass cabin.
: He probably wants us to throw him a big party, have Matthew jump out of a cake. Dave
: We already did that for his 50th birthday. Lisa
: That was Matthew? Dave
: He had a wig on, and you were drunk. Lisa
: Thank God.
: I must admit, this evening is turning out better than I thought. Lisa
: You're half loaded. Dave
: And you're not? Lisa
: Halfway doesn't do it for me anymore.
[Lisa bursts into Dave's office
: Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?
: [into speakerphone
] Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back.
: Dave, why don't you just tell her what turns you on and get it over with? Dave
: Because that would ruin it. Beth
: Why's that? Dave
: To tell you the truth, what really turns me on is when Lisa is mad at me. Beth
: OK, I wish I didn't know that. Are you going back to her place now? Lisa
: [calling impatiently from the other room
] Dave, are you coming? Dave
: Oh, yeah.
: OK, um, ever since I was 14, I've always fantasized about making love on the space shuttle... Lisa
: Well, that's, that's, that's adorable, Dave. Dave
: ...with a space prostitute. Lisa
: [long pause
] Alright, you're joking again. Dave
: I wish I were. Lisa
: Well, do, do you think you can give me a fantasy that's just a little bit more reasonable? Dave
] Ok, uh, let's try this. Come here.
[motioning for Lisa
: Uh, I'd like to go up on the roof of my building, bring up a blanket, and a very good bottle of wine, and make love with a space prostitute.
: Why did we go to Hawaii together? Lisa Miller
: That was a dream. Matthew Brock
: Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Lisa Miller
: All right then. How was it? Matthew Brock
: Not that good, actually. Lisa Miller
: I'm sorry.
: What if I'm not perfect? Beth
: No one expects you to be perfect. Lisa Miller
: You are so naive.
: You slept in my apartment? Matthew Brock
: Well, you were sleeping here, so I just assumed that's what you wanted. Besides, I had a date. Lisa Miller
: You brought a date to my apartment? Matthew Brock
: Yes, and by the way, thank you. Enough said.
: Listen, I have something to tell you and it's not very easy and I would just like to sit down. Lisa doesn't have a crush on me, and that was just a big stupid lie that I made up because I want to tell how much I really feel about you. Beth
: Oh, so you just lie to me over and over and over? Max
: Sort of. Beth
: Why? Max
: Because I was embarrassed. Beth
: Max, Max, you didn't need to be embarrassed. Max
: Well then, do you forgive me? Beth
: Not a chance in hell you LOSER! Lisa
: So how did that go? Max
: Not very well. Lisa
: That's OK, Beth doesn't stay really mad for long. Beth
: I hate you and I hope you get run over by a bus!
: I don't want her to think I'm pathetic. Lisa Miller
: You are pathetic. Max Lewis
: Well, obviously!
: One, don't ever kiss me again. Two, don't ever kiss me again. And three, don't ever kiss me again!
: Do you know what she's like? She's like a slutty version of the singing frog in that cartoon. You know, Hello my honey, hello my baby- Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Here comes Dave... Ribbit. Lisa
: So, Beth? Does this singing frog ever tell you to do things?
: Thanks for helping me get by those two idiots. Lisa
: Bill, they're not idiots, they're just doing their job. Bill McNeal
: Right, just like those guys at the bank were just doing their job when they repossessed my farm. Lisa
: You never owned a farm. Bill McNeal
: Farm, boat, same difference.
: What's going on ? Beth
: Oh, we're re-filing old news stories from the past three years. Dave discovered that the old station manager had a rather unique filing system. Lisa
: What's unique ? Beth
: Well, name a topic, I'll tell you how it was filed. Lisa
: Okay. Taxi cabs. Beth
: Taxi cabs. That would be under Yellow, comma, things that are. Lisa
: Ooh, that makes sense, right next to bananas. Beth
: Ah, no. Actually, bananas are under Fruits, comma, ones that I'm allergic to. Lisa
: Ass, comma, sounds like this job is a pain in the. Beth
: Much, comma, thank you very.
: Why are we even doing this? Beth
: Because lighting the WNYX Christmas tree was always Matthew's favorite holiday tradition. Bill
: I thought Matthew's favorite holiday traditon was making nativity scenes with Marvel Comics action figures.
: [hands Dave a plank
] Dude, hold this.
[Dave takes the plank
] Lisa Miller
: What is this, like judo? Joe Garrelli
: No, judo is for sissies. This is pure Garrelli.
[Joe hits the plank; it doesn't break
] Dave Nelson
: Wanna try it again? Joe Garrelli
: Nope, that's it. Lisa Miller
: It didn't break. Joe Garrelli
: It's not supposed to break. My talent is hitting things real hard and not hurt my hand.
: So, Lisa, are you going to wow us tonight? Lisa Miller
: If I have to, sir. Jimmy James
: So what do you do? Gymnastics? Flaming baton twirling? Lisa Miller
: Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience. Jimmy James
: That's great, if you go out nude and leave out the math part.
[Lisa is asking Jimmy why he's better friends with Dave than her
: See, Dave and I, we could talk about... guy stuff. Lisa
: Guy stuff? I can do that. Jimmy
: No... Lisa
: Yes, I can, try me. Jimmy
: You think? Lisa
: That Lisa's sure got some cute ass, huh?
: What time is it? Jimmy
: 6:15 in the morning. Which brings me to the Secret of Management number 436: I'm with stupid.
: I wanted a house just like Xanadu, but without a dorky name. Lisa
: So what did you call it? Jimmy
: Fort Awesome.
: I'm still going to build the towers, only I'm going to build them in London. Max Lewis
: You mean London, England? Jimmy
: Home of the American Werewolf! Max Lewis
: But won't that destroy London like it would have destroyed New York?
[Lisa and Mr. James laughing
: Who gives a damn about London?
[Lisa and Mr. James high-five
: You know who Guggenheim was? Lisa
: Yes, Guggenheim was a financier and a philanthropist. Jimmy
: Wrong. He was some guy who built an ugly museum, named it after himself. But, when people see it they go "Hey, Guggenheim." What about me? What about Jimmy James, huh? He's just nothin'. A big, fat nothin'. Lisa
: Sir, you are hardly nothing. Jimmy
: Well, you're right. M-maybe I'm not nothin'. Lisa
: Of course you're not nothing. Jimmy
: I'm Jimmy James! Lisa
: That's right! Jimmy
: Jimmy James! Lisa
: The one and only Jimmy James! Jimmy
: Yeah, the guy who's gonna blow up the Guggenheim! Lisa
: No, sir, no!
: I have the perfect legacy for you. A bridge. Jimmy
: A bridge? Lisa
: Yeah. People will drive over it every day. It's the perfect legacy. Jimmy
: No one ever said anything good about a bridge. It's always, "Traffic was blocked up on the Jimmy James," or "Some loser jumped off the Jimmy James today," or, "I was driving over the Jimmy James while my best friend was at my home doing my wife." Lisa
: That last one could happen anywhere, sir. Jimmy
: But it didn't, did it? It happened on the Jimmy James!
[the rest of the staff meets to protest a policy of Dave's
: Well, seeing as how Dave and I... Joe
: Do it? Lisa
: ...are romantically... Joe
: Doing it? Lisa
: ...sleeping together, I think this precludes me from taking part in any revolution. Bill
: Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington. Lisa
: You really need to stop getting your history from Gore Vidal.
: As I predicted, we have something of a mutiny on our hands. Jimmy
: Oh yeah! You're completely under siege. Just like that guy in that... that movie... What's it called? Dave
: Under Siege? Jimmy
: No... Dave
: Under Siege 2? Jimmy
: No... Dave
: Under Siege 3? Jimmy
: That's the one. Lisa
: I don't think they made Under Siege 3. Jimmy
: Hey... I can dream, can't I?
: Benedict Arnold slept with George Washington. Lisa
: Bill you've really gotta stop getting your history from Gore Vidal.
: I want to have a baby. Dave
: When? Lisa Miller
: Right now. Dave
: I don't think you're taking into account the gestation period.
: You can't just make a decision this big in the blink of an eye. Lisa Miller
: Maybe you can't make a decision this big in the blink of an eye, but I can. Every decision I've ever made was like that. I remember exactly, April 26, 1983, I was on the university steps eating a cheese and steak sandwich when it hit me: radio journalism. Dave
: What were you thinking before? Lisa Miller
: That I should have had some ketchup for my cheese and steak sandwich.
: You could quit your job, just like John Lennon. Dave
: Yeah, that worked out well for him, didn't it?
: I don't see what's wrong with the sandwich machine. Beth
: What's wrong is that they only change the sandwiches every few months. Catherine Duke
: Has anyone even had one of those dried-up, leathery things? Bill McNeal
: What are we discussing? Dave
: The sandwich machine by the stairway. Bill McNeal
: Best sandwiches in the city. They're an acquired taste, but like wine and cheese, a good sandwich needs to be aged properly. In the olden days, a pheasant would be aged for weeks before it was suitable for consumption. Lisa Miller
: In the olden days, people died of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
: Well, it's finally happened. Dave
: What? Lisa Miller
: I'm becoming stupid. Dave
: You don't say? Lisa Miller
: The brain starts to deteriorate after age thirty. Dave
: Where did you hear that? Lisa Miller
: I don't remember... See? See?
: Whatcha looking at? Lisa Miller
: Just a list of vocabulary words. Girl
: You should relax. The SAT's not such a big deal. Lisa Miller
: Well, maybe not, but you better pretend it is, or else you won't get a good score, which means you can't get into a good college and then you won't get a good job and then your life will be ruined. Girl
] Lisa Miller
: Oh, I'm sorry. I, I, I mean maybe if you have a lot of good extra-curriculars it would be... Girl
: Can I have a cigarette? Lisa Miller
: Yes! Here!
: How come no one thinks I'm funny? Lisa
: How come no one thinks I'm female? Bill
: We're just misunderstood, I suppose. That's why guys like us have to hang together. Lisa
: Bill, I'm a woman. Bill
: Prove it. Lisa
] Ha-ha. Bill
: See? Made you laugh.
: Just because all the women are gone doesn't give you license to behave like animals. Bill
: Why not? Dave
: I'm just saying don't get too comfortable, seeing as they will all be back tomorrow. Lisa
: I'm a woman. Matthew
: But you're different. Lisa
: No, Matthew, *you're* different.
: I'm a woman, right? Dave
: Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so...
: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you? Dave
: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they'd probably just get together and push me.
: Well, Lisa, it looks like you'll be going to New Hampshire after all. Lisa
: How come Matthew's not going? Dave
: Apparently, if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes his cats start plotting against him. Lisa
: And people say *you're* whipped.
: Guess how many pieces of gum Beth chewed last year. Lisa
: Seven hundred and fifty. Dave
: You guys remember that secret employee evaluation I did last week? Dave
: No. Jimmy James
: You see all those people secretly evaluating everything you did? Lisa
: No. Jimmy James
: Oh, I don't know, Dave's been really uptight about the budget lately. Joe
] Well, I'm sure he could make a special exception for you. Lisa
: What's that supposed to mean? Joe
: Come on, you know, whenever you need something, all you got to do is go in there and ask your sugar-daddy. Lisa
: Dave is not my sugar-daddy. Joe
: Sweetpapa, whatever. Catherine
: Lisa, I need a new stapler, so if you get a chance while you're in with Dave shakin' your stuff for a new chair, could you ask him if... Lisa
: Wait, wait! Wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait - I have never ever been the kind of person who shakes her stuff. Catherine
: OK, so you're a little light in the stuff department. That's okay, but I think we've all seen you shake what you've got.
: [Dave knocks out the lights by accident with his sword
] Dave. Dave
: Yes? Lisa
: I need a new chair. Joe
: [in a faux feminine voice
] Woo-ooo. The lights go out and the love talk starts. Catherine
: I wish I had a sweet papa like that. Dave
: Listen, everyone: there, there's absolutely no favoritism at play here, alright? Lisa
: Dave, shut up. Dave
: I am on your side. Lisa
: I know. I just don't think that the time to bring it up is to wave a huge sword around in a dark room. Catherine
: Mmm mm mm mm mm.
: He won't even admit that he's jealous. That is the thing that just drives me crazy. Beth
: You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitch-cakes. Lisa
: Bitch-cakes? Beth
: I just made that up. Think it's gonna catch on?
[Lisa walks by Bill with only a bra on. Bill doesn't react, but Lisa slaps him anyway
: I didn't say anything. Lisa
: You were thinking it. Bill
: Fair enough.
: Why don't you read a book? Dave Nelson
: Like what? Lisa Miller
: Like Anna Karenina. Dave Nelson
: Oh, no. I lost a whole semester of Cheers reading Anna Karenina. I'm not making that mistake again. Lisa Miller
: I'm reading it for the third time. Dave Nelson
: You read the same thing over and over, and I'm the one with the brain made of mush?
: I'll have you know that a lot of intellectual people watch television. Lisa Miller
: Oh, really? Name one. Dave Nelson
: Dave Nelson.
: Well, Lisa's the people's choice. It's a done deal. Dave, you're the new boss. Congratulations. Dave
: What? Lisa Miller
: Yes! Jimmy James
: See, Lisa's the boss everyone likes, and Dave's the boss everyone respects. Lisa Miller
: I respect you. Dave
: Shut up. Jimmy James
: Come on, everyone. You all want a boss you can respect?
] Jimmy James
: Maybe even a boss you hate a little bit?
[Others still disagree
] Jimmy James
: That's settles it. All hail Dave, the hated boss!
: You have to make them think that you actually want to lead them. Imagine the riot if everyone found out that Bill Clinton doesn't want to be President. Lisa Miller
: He doesn't? Jimmy James
: I gotta go.
: Well, I know. But as the employer, it is your job to make your employees feel that they are part of the decision-making process. Dave
: Is this something you learned from that stupid book on Japanese management techniques? Lisa
: You don't actually have to LISTEN to them. Just pretend to. It helps to create a more harmonious group energy. Dave
: Again, is this from that stupid book on Japanese management techniques? Lisa
: This is just a standard management technique that has been used by personnel supervisors since the days of... Ho Lu, grand emperor of the Wu dynasty.
: You know why he's doing this, right? He's threatened by us. Matthew Brock
: Yeah, he's totally threatening us. Lisa
: Threatened *by* us. Matthew Brock
: Oh, right.
: [Beth comes in wearing a suit
] Welcome to Squaresville, population: one. Beth
: Mr. James told me to dress more conservatively for the negotiation. Dave Nelson
: So you got a new wardrobe. Beth
: Actually, I'm borrowing this from a friend.
[Lisa comes in wearing Beth's outfit
] Dave Nelson
: All right, you can have the raise. Just dress like that from now on. Lisa Miller
: It's not funny, Dave.
: [Wearing Beth's clothes
] I don't know how you can wear this. I feel naked. Beth
: Yeah, isn't it great?
: Why did you do that? Bill McNeal
: It's just a little harmless hazing, and as far as hazings go, pouring hot coffee and hot sauce on someone's head is relatively mild. Lisa Miller
: You put hot sauce in there? Bill McNeal
: You look very Casablancaesque. Matthew Brock
: I was going for more of a Bugsy Malone look.
: That's a very cunning plan, but now is not the time for cunning plans or crazy capers. Lisa Miller
: Dave, you never want cunning plans or crazy capers.
] Silent night / Religious right / Jesse Helms / Sleeps tonight...
: Everybody! Lisa Miller
, Dave Nelson
] Something something... Bill
] Madeline Albright.
: That's easy- I choose you. Lisa
: Aww... Johnny. Johnny Johnson
: And the empire. Lisa
: No. It doesn't work that way. It's me or the empire. Johnny Johnson
: All right. Lisa, have you ever noticed know how really good-looking guys with really nice cars get lots of dates? Now imagine: a really good-looking guy, nice car, and an empire. You do the math.
: Mr. James, how do you respond to the accusations that you are celebrated hijacker D.B. Cooper? Jimmy
: I will beat the white devil by any means necessary. Lisa
: I'm sorry? Jimmy
: I've been reading the Autobiography of Malcolm X. Remember, kids. Fight the power! Also, I want to give a little shout out to all my peeps in lockdown, and University of Florida Gators rules! All right, let's do this.
: Are you nervous about that speech tonight? Dave
: No, I'm cool. Lisa
: You're cool? Dave
: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm just... I'm, you know... chillin'. Lisa
: Well, word to your mother.
: [Dave has locked his office door
] He never locks the door. What is he doing in there? Joe Garrelli
: Maybe he's doing it with Lisa... Sorry. Force of habit.
: I brought Foxy in to improve my productivity, and she can't do that while Joe is teaching her bad words in Italian.
: You're just as bad as Joe. Dave
: No I'm not. I'm badder.
: I don't like employees being romantically involved. Lisa
: What about Dave and me? Jimmy
: I said romantically involved.
: This isn't some weird test to see if I have what it takes to be the boss, is it? Jimmy
: No, it's not a test. Or is it?... No, it isn't. Wait...
[after Lisa rejects Johnny
] Max Lewis
: I thought you were going to be easy on him. Lisa
: Isn't that what you wanted? Jimmy
: We wanted you to crush him, not break his heart. Max Lewis
: He hit rock bottom, and then you dug a hole even deeper than that and pushed him in it. Jimmy
] That poor, loveable wino! Max Lewis
: Better find yourself a new roommate, Lisa, because I don't know how you can live with yourself.
: I want to reject Johnny, but whenever I look into those blue eyes, it's like a tractor beam for my tongue. Beth
: Yuck! Dave
: I'm gonna have to back her up on this one.
: I'm not selfish and self-centered, am I? Dave
: I think you should bear in mind that you're asking an ex-boyfriend. Lisa
: No, I'm asking an employee. Dave
: Well, then no.
: What is it about men and babies? You get around a bunch of kids and suddenly you start acting like women.
: Did you lose a bet, sir? Jimmy
: Huh? Lisa
: You know, like with one of your rich friends- the loser has to run for president, ha ha. Jimmy
: No... See, last, uh... last time I made a bet with a rich friend, oh yeah, heh- I ended up streaking through the Chicago Mercantile Exchange at noon. Dave
: Ouch. Jimmy
: What do you mean 'ouch,' I was the winner on that one.
: C'mon sir, you've gotta have a few skeletons in your closet Jimmy
: Oh, I've got skeletons running around eating leftovers from the fridge, but that doesn't mean you'll find anything.
: To a foodie, a gourmet kitchen is indispensable. Lisa
: A "foodie"? Max
: Someone who appreciates - nay, adores - food.
[Sticks out his stomach for emphasis
: In other words, a glutton. Max
: In other words, a connoisseur.
[Matthew is quizzing Dave and Lisa
: Who is your favorite member of the Brat Pack? Lisa
: Emilio Estevez Dave
: Ally Sheedy. Matthew
: No points. The correct answer is Judge Reinhold. Lisa
: Judge Reinhold is not a member of the Brat Pack. Matthew
: I'm sorry, Lisa. That will cost you one point.
: Beth, what is third base?
[Beth whispers into Lisa's ear
: I thought that was second base. Beth
: I thought it was first base. High school boys really messed with my head.
: I am well aware that he is evil. That doesn't mean he can't be a fun date. Lisa
: I don't want to be a pawn in a corporate game. Dave
: Why not? It's fun.
: It's awkward meeting the boyfriend's parents for the first time. What if I snap and just start shouting obscenities uncontrollably? Dave Nelson
: Then I will just tell them that you're a whore that I picked up at the airport.
: Lisa, you're standing under mistletoe. Lisa Miller
: All right, but no tongue.
[Joe takes down the mistletoe and leaves
] Lisa Miller
: All right, with tongue.
] Lisa Miller
: Not you!
: We just can't ask him. I think we have to go through his agent. Bill McNeal
: Did Edward R. Murrow have to go through the agent of... whatever famous person he interviewed?
: I mean, what was Bill thinking? Isn't he worried about being sued for libel? Lisa Miller
: Aren't you? Jimmy
: Nope. Read Bill's contract.
: I called one of those Big Brother organizations. Lisa Miller
: They let you do that? Beth
: She means, good for you.
: Best I can see, they were supposed to be assigned little brothers, but there was a mistake and they were assigned to each other. Beth
: How did Matthew get the little brother role? Lisa Miller
: Water finds its own level.
: You know, I can help you with that. Lisa
: Help me with what, Max? Max
: Your speech impediment. Lisa
: I don't have a speech impediment. Max
: You have a classic sibilant S. Lisa
: I do not have a sibilant S. Max
: I do not have a sssibilant Ssss. Lisa
: That's not how I sound. Max
: That's not how I sssound. Lisa
: Stop it! Max
: Ssstop it. Lisa
: Shut up! Max
: Shut up... ssss.
: So what's the problem? Lisa
: [Boston accent
] The problahm is that I spent seven yeahs trying to get rid of this gawd-awful Bahston accent, and forty-five minutes with Max, I'm back at the Shell Shack serving chowdah to those jehks from Hahvahd! Dave
: Hey, your sibilant S is gone.
: You're Canadian? Jimmy
: I am? Lisa
: Not you, sir. Him. Jimmy
: Oh, no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave? Dave
: Yeah. Lisa
: [holds up Dave's birth certificate
] Well, then what is this all about? Dave
: What is what all abo... ab... uh, what's what? Lisa
: You're afraid to say it, aren't you? Dave
: No. Lisa
: Yes, you are. Dave
: No. Lisa
: Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, Dave, say "about." Dave
: No. Lisa
: Say it! Dave
: No. Lisa
: Say "out." Dave
: No. Lisa
: "House." Dave
: No. Lisa
: "Couch." Dave
: Your honor, I plead the fifth. Lisa
: I don't know if you have that right, Dave. Dave
: I do too, eh!
: Oh my God...
: At least in America you don't get executed from using the wrong fork. Jimmy
: Yeah, tell that to... never mind. Lisa
: Who? Jimmy
: I said too much already. For your sake, just stop talking and walk away.
: [on phone
] My marriage is tomorrow, and I don't care if you had a previous engagement. An oral agreement is like a contract to me. Well, same to you, buddy! Beth
: Caterers? Lisa
: Mr. James, thank you for letting us use your greenhouse for the wedding. Jimmy
: Well, that was what it was made for. Beth
: I thought it was for your plants. Jimmy
: Those are for medicinal purposes.
: In judo, when the big man comes at the little man with all his force, it's the wise little man who gets out of his way. Lisa
: Yes, but if the little man is so wise, then why is he so small?
: Say, what was that you said about judo? Dave
: Oh, yeah. When the big man comes at the small man with all his might, it is the wise man who steps aside. Lisa
: Yes, but at the end of the match, one man is small and wise, but the other man is big and wiser. Dave
: Yeah, he knows not to mess with the little man again.
: What was that? Lisa Miller
: What was what? Bill McNeal
: Beth gave you something, you hid it. What was it? Lisa Miller
: Girl thing. Bill McNeal
: How's the fire? Dave Nelson
: They're calling it the Dresden for the '90s.
: Okay, who did I hire as news director here? Lisa Miller
: I'm sorry, Mr. James. Jimmy James
: No, I'm really asking. I lose track of these things sometimes.
: If you don't want my input, just say so. Dave Nelson
: I don't want your input. Lisa Miller
: Too bad. Dave Nelson
: Especially when it's another three-hour lecture on the legal rights of a known sleazebag. Lisa Miller
: Well, what if Mister Buttafuoco sues us? Dave Nelson
: For what, defamation of character? Like we could help him with that.
: All right, you know the opponents... Lisa Miller
: Check. Jimmy
: You know the odds... Lisa Miller
: Check. Jimmy
: And you know the stakes. Lisa Miller
: Check. Now, how do you play poker?
: What did you do in high school when they gave out a pop quiz? Dave
: I hyperventilated and got a note from the nurse.
: I think I have a way of solving this and making you look like a hero. Jimmy James
: Do I have to wear a costume? Lisa Miller
: No. Jimmy James
: Aw, geez!
: I'm doing some online trading in Matthew's name. I hacked into his account. It's just a little one, his grandmother started it. Guess what his password is? Lisa Miller
: Matthew? Jimmy
: No. Lisa Miller
: Brock? Jimmy
: No. Lisa Miller
: Cat? Jimmy
: Welcome to the club, fellow hacker.
: What is this? Dave
: Bill's making a deal to write a book. Lisa Miller
: What kind? Dave
: Authobiography, sort of like that Howard Stern thing. Lisa Miller
: You mean about the ins and outs of lesbianism and sport spanking? Dave
: I certainly hope so. Lisa Miller
: I bet you do. Dave
: I'm just thirsty for knowledge.
: Here Bill I want you to put one of these on your back.
[Takes a nicotine patch out of a paper bag
: What is it? Dave
: It's the patch. Lisa
: Don't you need a prescription for those? Dave
: Yeah, I went to my doctor this morning and had him prescribe them for me. Lisa
: But you don't smoke. Dave
: Yeah, but I told him that I was thinking about starting. You know, I don't think he's a very good doctor.
: I know it's a crummy story but someone has to do a piece on the Williamsburg Bridge renovation. Lisa Miller
: Give it to me, Dave. I'll take it. Joe Garrelli
: That's not the first time Dave's heard Lisa say that. Dave Nelson
: Give it a rest. Bill
: I'll bet that's not the first time Lisa's heard Dave say that. Lisa Miller
: Look you really don't want to get into this. Catherine Duke
: I bet Dave's never heard that one before. Dave Nelson
: Seriously, this is a very sensitive area. Beth
: Oh that's what she said. Lisa Miller
: Okay I'm telling them. Bill
: And I'll bet that's not... Actually that doesn't really work, does it?
: Bill, I need a copy of your next Real Deal on my office. Bill
: Don't worry, I got it all up here.
[Points at head
] Lisa Miller
: Bill, you can't just improvise an editorial piece. Bill
: Everyday I tell myself that, and yet everyday I manage to pull another one out of my butt.
: They're not going to fire everyone. They'll probably just... hold us all to our contracts and change the format to Soft Rock of the Seventies until we get so sick of hearing "Afternoon Delight" that we kill ourselves and they hire new people to fill our positions. Dave
: That imagination of yours is an absolute curse. Lisa
: Yeah... my parents didn't let me watch television.
: Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time. Lisa
: Doesn't it work? Beth
: They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come your fire escape tonight.
: Is Matthew still out there? Dave
: Yes. Is there a problem? Lisa
: Matthew's out there. Dave
: Well, that's a problem we all have to face in a weekly basis.
: Matthew has never lived more than ten miles from his mother. Dave Nelson
: We all have to leave our mothers sometimes. Lisa Miller
: When Matthew's mother dies, I envision him dressing in her clothes and murdering transients.
: Dave, why don't you just ask Mr. James to buy him a car, too? Dave
: No. No, I can't. Lisa
: Why not? Dave
: Look, I'm no etiquette expert, but I think when someone is generous enough to give you six sports cars, it's in bad form to ask for a seventh.
: Dave doesn't have an inappropriate bone in his body. Lisa's Kid
: Who? The little boy in the blue suit? Lisa Miller
: Matthew, did you catalog all those tapes on the sanitation workers strike? Matthew Brock
: Yeah, I wish.
: Joe, You did not kill Ted. It was just a freak accident. Joe Garrelli
: Matthew had nothing to do with it.
: Did you give me the job because we're going out? Dave Nelson
: Of course not. Lisa Miller
: [Kisses Dave
] Thanks. Dave Nelson
: I gave it to you 'cause you're so darn cute.
[Lisa wants to go undercover
: Look Lisa, you've never done undercover work before. It's too dangerous. Lisa Miller
: Well if you ask me, this place could use a little bit of danger. Dave
: Fine, I'll get Matthew to replace the fluorescent light bulbs again.