Edna Garrett
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Quotes for
Edna Garrett (Character)
from "The Facts of Life" (1979)

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"The Facts of Life: Read No Evil (#3.24)" (1982)
Edna Garrett: What's the problem, Natalie?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Please, don't get her started.
Natalie Green: Okay, I'm IN the library!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Too late.
Natalie Green: And I'm doing research for a paper, right? OKAY! So I go to the shelf to get last month's Miss Magazine, and it isn't there!
Edna Garrett: So?
Natalie Green: So, I go to the front desk and ask Miss Muldoon if it's been checked out. She tells me the subscription to Miss was cancelled, isn't that strange?
Edna Garrett: A little, considering all the feminists on campus.
Natalie Green: That's what I said! Then she tells me that certain elements of Miss Magazine were considered offensive!
Edna Garrett: Offensive?
Natalie Green: That's what I said! Then I find out books have been taken out of the library too for reevaluation!
Geri Tyler: What does that mean?
Natalie Green: I'll tell you what that means!
Edna Garrett: Censorship.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: That's what I said!

Edna Garrett: Are you sure about this?
Natalie Green: [hands her a list] If you're thinking about checking any of these books out of the library, forget about it.
Edna Garrett: The Fixer, Catch-22, and Slaughterhouse-Five?
Blair Warner: Slaughterhouse-Five, I wrote my term paper on that last year. It was brilliant.
Geri Tyler: That was a good book!
Blair Warner: I was talking about my paper.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Well nobody's going to be writing about it this year.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: How come?
Natalie Green: Because it's offensive!
Geri Tyler: Sounds like book banning to me.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Isn't that illegal?

Geri Tyler: Sounds like book banning to me.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Isn't that illegal?
Blair Warner: Or at least a Miss-demeanor.
Blair Warner: Get it? Miss?
Edna Garrett: Well I know it happens in a lot of other places but I never thought it would happen here.

Blair Warner: If you can't get a book in the library you can always go into town and buy one.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Or wait for the movie to come out.
Edna Garrett: No, that's not the point.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: It's just that with all the stuff we HAVE to read, what's a few less books?
Natalie Green: Nice attitude, Tootie!
Edna Garrett: What did I do?
Natalie Green: This is America! Books are ideas and ideas have a right to circulate! Think of the First Amendment: Freedom of speech, freedom of thought.

Edna Garrett: Well I'm going right to the library and talk to Miss Muldoon.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Don't waste your time. Mrs. G, you know the way things are, you can't beat the system.
Edna Garrett: Jo, if something's going on here that I feel is wrong, I have to speak out. It's a responsibility, not an option.
Natalie Green: You see, Jo? We can't take this lying down.
Edna Garrett: That's right, what're you going to do about it, Natalie?
Natalie Green: What?
Edna Garrett: Come on Natalie, you're the editor of the school paper. Print headlines, write editorials, take it to the people, make some noise, make a lot of noise!

Edna Garrett: Forget my strudel, Mr. Parker, this is serious!
Mr. Parker: Edna, you're overreacting, now trust me. A few books being removed from the library is hardly cause for panic. Now, what follows vanilla extract?
Edna Garrett: It was four books, four! And I'm not the only one who's upset. Our librarian has been trained to make book selections and suddenly people without qualifications are overriding her decisions!
Mr. Parker: Okay, I've got three large apples, one cup of flour.
Edna Garrett: Mr. Parker something alarming is going on here and you don't seem concerned.

Mr. Parker: Edna, a decision was made by the Board of Trustees to reevaluate some of our books, and I support that decision.
Edna Garrett: How can you? I know how you feel about this.
Mr. Parker: There are other factors involved here.
Edna Garrett: Such as?
Mr. Parker: You just don't understand what we're facing.
Edna Garrett: Well then explain it to me. Explain how books that have been at this library for years suddenly have become offensive!
Mr. Parker: Alright, picture yourself in a room full of angry people shouting about immoral influences and accusing you of corrupting their children.
Edna Garrett: How long has that been going on?
Mr. Parker: Over a year, at first the Board resisted, I resisted. Last month this group threatened to take their children out of Eastland, so we compromised.
Edna Garrett: You mean you sold out.
Mr. Parker: That's easy for you to say! What would you do if parents started to pull their children out of school? Would it make any difference what books were in the library if the doors were closed?
Edna Garrett: That won't happen.

Mr. Parker: You should read some of the letters I've been getting demanding change in curriculum, in text books, in staff! And in the face of all that we should consider ourselves that we only lost four books.
Edna Garrett: THIS time. What're you going to have to give up next month, Mr. Parker?

Edna Garrett: One group of parents.
Mr. Parker: Yes but those are the parents who attend every board meeting, they call my office, write letters.
Edna Garrett: Yeah that's right, the wheel that squeaks the loudest always gets the oil.
Mr. Parker: Come on Edna, you know they've got a point. You've read parts of Vonnegut, Joyce.
Edna Garrett: Yes, and so have hundreds of other Eastland students. It's a complicated world out there, and what we teach these girls is supposed to help prepare them for it.

Natalie Green: [Natalie's been fired as the school editor] They can't do that, can they, Mrs. Garrett?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Sure they can, you're a kid, they want you to be quiet they tell you to shut up.
Edna Garrett: And when you're an adult, they ask you to cooperate.

Edna Garrett: I'm angry too, mostly at myself.
Natalie Green: What did you do?
Edna Garrett: I didn't do enough. Oh I encouraged you to write that editorial, I talked about responsibility, commitment, but when push came to shove, I didn't shove back.
Natalie Green: You just thought things would work themselves out.
Edna Garrett: Well... things DON'T just work out, people have to do that, THIS people.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: What're you going to do?
Edna Garrett: What I should've done in the first place. The monthly Board meeting is next week: Mr. Parker will be there, the parents will be there, and I'll be there.
Natalie Green: Mrs. Garrett, let's not be hasty.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: It's going to be just you against all of them.
Edna Garrett: Well, I can be pretty tough when I'm fighting for something I believe in. Besides, what's the worst that can happen?

Woman: Are the Pattersons here yet?
Man #1: They will be. We ran into them at the theater last week and we discussed that Studs Terkel book Cathy's class is reading.
Woman: Oh yes, what's the name of it again?
Edna Garrett: Working.
Man #1: Right, thank you. Anyway I said to Bob 'I read that book and I'd love my Cathy to read it, when she's 35 and it can't do any damage'.
Woman: It's a simple matter of keeping improper values out of the classroom.
Man #1: She means filth.
Edna Garrett: [inches away from them] I'm dead.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Hey where'd you get the newsletter?
Edna Garrett: Mrs. Schuster gave it to me. Oh girls it's so good to know there are more important things in your life than just 'oh Richard, Richard, Richard'.
Natalie Green: How did you know it was us?
Edna Garrett: Your style is unmistakable, Natalie.
Natalie Green: Yeah. Buffy Klein, eat your heart out.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: We had to do something.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Yeah, we figured the parents had to know what was going on up here.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: So, we printed up a list of the banned books and Nat's editorial.
Natalie Green: Signed your ex-editor.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: And mailed copies to all the Eastland parents.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Wait till Mr. Parker gets the Xerox bills.
Natalie Green: And we put each of the letters in an envelope marked: Notice of Expulsion, so they'd be sure and be opened.

Mr. Parker: You know there are parents here whose names I've only seen on checks? And I've been getting angry phone calls from them all week. They are furious I allowed those books to be removed from the library. I mean Edna, they hate me.
Edna Garrett: Oh that's wonderful!

"The Facts of Life: Fear Strikes Back (#3.2)" (1981)
Edna Garrett: Girls I have to talk to you. Something's happened in town, you all know Mrs. King?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Sure, the headmaster's secretary.
Edna Garrett: Yeah well this evening, on her way to her car, a man attacked her, she was raped.

Edna Garrett: I don't want you girls to panic about this situation, the school is taking every possible precaution.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, that's why all those workmen were here this morning, they're installing alarms.
Edna Garrett: You're telling me, I didn't realize those things were so sensitive. I slammed the refrigerator door this morning and bells started ringing, I thought I'd won the Secret Square.
Blair Warner: But will alarms be enough?
Edna Garrett: Oh it's not just alarms, Blair, they're arranging for closed circuit television, electric gates.
Jo Polniaczek: I know all about these 'precautions' they may keep a few people out, but mostly they lock people in.

Edna Garrett: [about the women's safety course] Defense is part of it, anybody interested?
Natalie Green: Not me. I have a silly aversion to being hurled over someone's shoulders.
Edna Garrett: But who knows? Maybe you'll have a chance to do some hurling.
Jo Polniaczek: Ah then count me in!

Edna Garrett: For someone who had such a terrible time, you sure stayed long enough.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I would've been home a lot sooner, but my dress is so tight it took me an hour to hop home.

Edna Garrett: [Natalie comes in with her jacket torn] Natalie!
Blair Warner: What happened?
Natalie Green: I was coming home and I knew it was late so I was hurrying. I wasn't far, Mrs. Garrett, I was almost home!
Blair Warner: Natalie what happened?
Natalie Green: A man grabbed me and I tried to scream but he covered my mouth!
Edna Garrett: My God!
Natalie Green: He pushed me down and he was holding me down. And all of a sudden I heard people's voices, he must've heard them too because he got up and ran away. Mrs. Garrett, if those people hadn't passed by... Mrs. Garrett, I was almost home!

Blair Warner: I've been up almost every night with Natalie this week.
Jo Polniaczek: We've all been up with her, those nightmares of hers are getting worse.
Blair Warner: Maybe she'll feel better once the man is caught.
Jo Polniaczek: Caught? The chances of finding that creep are zilch.
Edna Garrett: Jo, the police are doing everything they can.
Blair Warner: Mrs. Garrett, last night Natalie woke me up to walk her to the bathroom, that's just down the hall!
Edna Garrett: Blair, a dark hallway can be very threatening after an experience like Natalie's.

Blair Warner: Natalie has a point, we all bear the burden of being attractive and feminine.
[looks at Jo]
Blair Warner: Well almost all of us.
Edna Garrett: Girls, attractiveness is not what these attacks are about.

Natalie Green: I bet everybody in your town knew everyone else, and you never even bothered locking your door.
Edna Garrett: You're right.
Natalie Green: And you were never afraid.
Edna Garrett: Oh I was afraid, especially of the lightning.
Natalie Green: Lightning has nothing to do with a man coming at you from the bushes.
Edna Garrett: Of course not, Natalie, but fear is fear, it has to be overcome. Natalie, you don't really wanna hide behind a locked door all your life?

Edna Garrett: Come with me to the safety class tonight.
Natalie Green: Why should I?
Edna Garrett: Because you'll be doing something. You feel helpless, right? Then take some action, help yourself.

Self-Defense Instructor: You see me coming, you sense something's wrong, what's the first thing you do?
Edna Garrett: Pray.
Self-Defense Instructor: Okay, then what?
Edna Garrett: Run.
Self-Defense Instructor: Right! Run like hell! And?
Edna Garrett: Scream.
Self-Defense Instructor: That's right, but don't just scream. Scream 'fire!' That will get people's attention.
Edna Garrett: Fire!
Self-Defense Instructor: That's right, again!
Edna Garrett: Fire!
Self-Defense Instructor: Louder!
Self-Defense Instructor: Very good, Mrs. Garrett, very good.

Edna Garrett: Well Natalie, what do you think? Does any of this make sense?
Natalie Green: I guess I should've gone home with the party with the other girls. You know, I had that cane for my Charlie Chaplin costume, maybe I could've used that.
Edna Garrett: Maybe, at least it's an option. That's what these classes are giving us.
Natalie Green: Okay, I've got options, but I'm still afraid.
Edna Garrett: Natalie, everybody's afraid, these are crazy crazy times. But life is still sweet. Don't let your fear paralyze you, use it to make you alert, aware and smart.

"The Facts of Life: Teacher's Pet (#4.15)" (1983)
Gail Gallagher: Well I've got almost everything packed; but I had to pick between my rare coin collection or my autographed picture of Al Pacino.
Edna Garrett: Al Pacino, right?
Gail Gallagher: Are you kidding? What's he ever done for me?

Edna Garrett: Tootie, would you excuse us, please?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: No. Mrs. Garrett, I'm worried about Jo too, I want to know what's going on.

Edna Garrett: Tootie, maybe you better get back to bed.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: No, Mrs. Garrett, she wants to know what's going on? I'll tell her. Gail's not going to another school, Tootie, she's going to a hospital and she's not coming out, do you understand?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I don't... Mrs. Garrett, what's...
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: You wanted to know what's going on, now you know.

Edna Garrett: Jo, I know how difficult it is to lose somebody you care about. But like it or not, you're going to have to try to face it.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I am facing it.
Edna Garrett: How? By cutting Gail's classes? Standing her up? You can run as far as you want, but Gail is still going to die.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Kind of neighborhoods we grew up on, you took your chances just stepping outside the door. But she got out! She made it and now this!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [about Gail] She must be so scared.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I'll tell you what's scary. What's scary is living and not having it mean anything.
Edna Garrett: Is that what you think's happened to Gail?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: She spent her whole life, working and studying, trying to make something of herself. What's the point if it can be taken away from you at 26? What's the difference?
Edna Garrett: You are, you, and everyone who's ever been in her class. Someone can live to be 80 years old, have nothing to show for it. Gail has you.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: She should have more time!
Edna Garrett: I know.

"The Facts of Life: Let's Party (#4.16)" (1983)
Edna Garrett: There was an accident, wasn't there?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Well you know the roads, they're really slippery, and there should be a warning...
Edna Garrett: Marshall was drinking, wasn't he?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: No! Okay, so he had a few beers, but he wasn't drunk, Mrs. Garrett.
Edna Garrett: Oh Tootie PLEASE! I saw Marshall, I know that look. Unfortunately I'm a bit of an expert, my ex-husband was 'never drunk' either.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Mrs. Garrett, it was just beer!
Edna Garrett: Just beer? And beer isn't alcohol. How many times have I heard that one? What right did Marshall have to take chances with your lives? Or the lives of anyone who happened to be on that highway?

Edna Garrett: It's your parents car, they've got a right to know what's happened.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Are you crazy? I'm sorry Mrs. Garrett but they're the last people we would call. You know how strict my dad is, if he finds out he won't let Marshall take the car to Florida on the spring break.
Edna Garrett: Worse things could happen.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Yeah, like what?
Edna Garrett: Come on, Tootie, you're smarter than that.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Guess what we just dug up from our solar green house...
Blair Warner: Your face?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: No, Blair, a bok-choy!
Edna Garrett: Ah! Chinese cabbage!
Blair Warner: Well! E-I-E-I-O.

Edna Garrett: Let's cook up Jo's bok choy for dinner.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Nobody's cooking this, it's going in my scrapbook.

"The Facts of Life: From Russia with Love (#3.8)" (1981)
Grandma Mona: First they burnt all our hay. And then a mean old looking cossack, started whipping my father.
Blair Warner: How terrible.
Grandma Mona: I ran over to him and I said 'you stop hurting my papa!' Then he put a gun to my chest and he said 'Lie down'.
Jo Polniaczek: Geez Louise.
Grandma Mona: And I said 'no, if you want to kill me, I'll stand'. He said 'I don't want to kill you, I want something else.'
Edna Garrett: Oh my God.
Blair Warner: What did you do?
Grandma Mona: I don't know, without even thinking, God must've given me the strength, I gave him such a push that he fell back over a milk stool, and I began to run. And I ran and I ran and I ran, until I hid, in a corn field.
Edna Garrett: And he never found you?
Grandma Mona: No.
Edna Garrett: Oh Mona, you're lucky to be here.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: And we're lucky we weren't there.

Edna Garrett: Mona? Mona?
Natalie Green: Where is she?
Natalie Green: She's on the floor! Grandma!
Edna Garrett: Oh my God!
[they rush over]
Grandma Mona: Yes...
Natalie Green: What're you doing down there?
Grandma Mona: My, my leg lifts. It's good for the circulation.
Edna Garrett: You have no idea what it's done for mine.

Grandma Mona: Natalie's upstairs and I'm down here, and maybe it's better.
Edna Garrett: What happened?
Grandma Mona: I don't know. Natalie isn't Natalie anymore. I think she's too old for me. She says that I treat her like a baby.
Edna Garrett: I'm sure it's just a little misunderstanding.
Grandma Mona: Oh no, it's a fight. My granddaughter doesn't want me to talk or sing or even to pinch her anymore. In the first place I don't go around saying 'I think I'll pinch Natalie'. But somehow when I get close to her, it just happens.
Edna Garrett: I know, I know, it's a reflex action. I still muss my son's hair and he's pushing 32.
Grandma Mona: Yes, it isn't easy to be a grandmother.
Edna Garrett: I know. I mean I wish I knew. I have 2 sons who could give me a grandchild, but one of them's single and the other one's lazy.

Grandma Mona: She says kids don't like to be with old people. All they want from their grandparents is to keep an open purse and a closed mouth. I told her my Natalie is not like that. But I was wrong, and Rose Furillo is right.
Edna Garrett: No Mona, Rose Furrillo was not right.
Grandma Mona: Things are not like they were in my days.
Edna Garrett: Bull feathers. The girls said the same thing to me and you've got to call them on it. There is absolutely nothing, NOTHING, that they are going through today that we have not gone through ourselves... or seen on Donahue.

Grandma Mona: I can't believe it's been 60 years since I was this girl. Lately I look in the mirror and I say 'no, that's not me. How did I get into that old person's body?'
Edna Garrett: Mona, you're not old.
Grandma Mona: Tell that to my doctor, maybe he'll let me drink more cocoa, and less hot water with lemon.

"The Facts of Life: The Source (#4.2)" (1982)
Blair Warner: [Guessing what Natalie's story is about] VD?
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Blair!
Blair Warner: ...Valentines Day!

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Mail call, I repeat, mail call. Tootie, here are all your fan magazines.
Blair Warner: Tootie, how can you read those? They're just full of rumor and gossip and innuendo.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: And for you, Blair: People, Celebrity, and Us.

Natalie Green: [on what her story is about] Abortion.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Natalie, that's a tough subject for a high school newspaper.
Blair Warner: That IS a little touchy, don't you think?
Natalie Green: Of course, but abortion is an important issue and it deserves attention. It's controversial, emotional...
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Exploitable.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Yeah, I hate to think you were doing this just to boost circulation.
Natalie Green: It's more than that, Mrs. Garrett, I wanted to make some waves with this, stir things up.

Natalie Green: What's at stake here is the right of a journalist to protect her sources.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Natalie, I'm sure Mr. Parker respects the rights of a free press, DON'T YOU?
Charles Parker: Well of course I do, but in this case they're beside the point.
Natalie Green: Sure, principles are great as long as they don't inconvenience you.
Charles Parker: I have had nothing but frantic phone calls from parents all day wanting to know if it's their daughter who had the abortion. I think they deserve a better answer than 'Well your guess is as good as mine'.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: You're just going to have to explain it to Mr. Parker and hope that he understands. You'll have to tell him, that there was no Louise.
Natalie Green: I would, except there IS a Louise.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Wait a minute... I'm getting confused.
Natalie Green: Mrs. Garrett, I just found out that someone right here at Eastland went through almost exactly what I wrote in my article. Mr. Parker's been hounding me for a name and all of a sudden I've got one. Just one name, and I'm off the hook.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Are you, Natalie? You lied, Natalie, you wrote something you knew wasn't true; the fact that a Louise happens to exist doesn't change that.

"The Facts of Life: Gossip (#2.9)" (1981)
Mr. Harris: Mrs. Garrett, word of your drunken spree has spread all over the campus.
Edna Garrett: What is being spread all over the campus could make the petunias grow!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [after setting the record straight about Mrs Garrett] Well, that's about it.
Edna Garrett: Tootie...
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Blair, do you know that secret you told Jo about Roger and it was only between the two of you? Well, it was between the three of us.
Blair Warner: [Both Blair and Jo stand up] You sneaky, rotten little blabbermouth!
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah. I got bad rapped on account of you, you little creep! I'll get you for this.
Blair Warner: Not if I get her first!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Gee. They're taking it better than I thought.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Well, I'm glad everything's settled.
Edna Garrett: Whos, hold it Speedy, you're not out of the woods yet.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Whatya mean?
Edna Garrett: Well, there's the matter of war reparations you have done. Now, since you insist on wagging your tongue, wag it over these.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: What are those?
Edna Garrett: Invitations to the alumni dance. The envelopes have to be sealed. All one thousand of them.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Just call me Tootie Chapstick.
Edna Garrett: Don't forget the stamps.
[goes towards the kitchen]
Edna Garrett: Tootie?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Yeah?
Edna Garrett: We're still friends.

"The Facts of Life: Advance Placement (#5.7)" (1983)
Natalie Green: Mrs. Garrett, put yourself in my place.
Edna Garrett: Okay: I'm failing my classes, the dean just gave me a lecture, my parents are going to hit the roof, I've insulted all my friends... no thanks, Natalie, I don't think I want to be in your place.
Natalie Green: Neither do I.

Natalie Green: I'm ready for college!
Edna Garrett: Why? Because you know how to cruise the student lounge and hang out in the book store? Natalie, if you want to go to college, you have to EARN it.

Natalie Green: Why can't I go to college NOW?
Edna Garrett: Because your grades aren't good enough anymore, Natalie.

"The Facts of Life: The Chain Letter (#5.13)" (1983)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: All four of you on one resume?
Natalie Green: We're a package deal.

Natalie Green: [after the inspection] Is it about to hit the fan, Mrs. Garrett?
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: No, Natalie, I'm too angry to yell.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Do you girls realize I could lose my business? If I'm lucky he'll just fine me $500.
Jo Polniaczek: Don't worry about the fines, Mrs. G, soon we'll be rolling in money from the chain letters.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: You girls really believe that?
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Mr. Stevens is right, you ARE too young to take this seriously.

"The Facts of Life: What Price Glory? (#5.5)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: Tootie, that stuff is imported! Do you know how much it costs a pound?
Edna Garrett: Jo, she's not giving it away.
Jo Polniaczek: Yes she is.
Edna Garrett: Tootie! Do you know how much this stuff costs a pound?

Edna Garrett: Tootie, are you saying Jeff has a problem with reading?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I babysit for kids who can read better than he can!
Natalie Green: Wait a minute, that can't be right. How has he gotten so far in school if he can't read? How does he pass all his tests?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: His friends help him. They give him the answers and he memorizes them.
Edna Garrett: His friends, some friends.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Mrs. Garrett...
Edna Garrett: I'm sorry but that really steams me! These so called friends aren't helping him at all, they're cheating him out of his future!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Look you don't understand!
Edna Garrett: I understand plenty! Those people don't give a damn about him; Jeff is a star football player, that's all they care, that's all that matters to them.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Mrs. Garrett that's not true! The people who help Jeff care! They care a lot!
Edna Garrett: Tootie, what're you saying?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: His friend in biology class was sick, and Jeff was desperate so I...
Natalie Green: Tootie, you didn't!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: But he needed me! And it didn't seem like a big deal. It was just one test in one course. Now he's going to want me to help him on this English test, how can I say no?
Edna Garrett: I don't see how you can say anything else, not if you care; not if you want to get Jeff back on the right track.

"The Facts of Life: The Christmas Show (#5.12)" (1983)
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [after Jo's plans for spending the holidays with her mother changes and has to stay with Mrs. Garrett] Wait a minute. What kind of Christmas is that? Being stuck here, with Mrs. Garrett...
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [realizing how it sounded] Well, I meant being stuck here in Peekskill.
Edna Garrett: That's a little better.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [leaving for the train station] Come on you guys, we don't want to miss the train and get stuck here.
Edna Garrett: [everyone stops for a second] I know. In Peekskill.

Edna Garrett: [holding a flyer she put an ad in] That stupid Merchant's Association! Look! Look! Look what they did to my ad!
Natalie Green: Edna's Corral.
Edna Garrett: They got us mixed up with the Puppy Corral down the street!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Oh yeah, look at their ad. 'Edible Puppies'. Ewwww!
Edna Garrett: You think that's bad? Look, look, look at this: 'Edna's Holiday Special. Fresh Schnauzers, only $8.95!' Without advertising, what am I going to do with the eighty-two fruitcakes that are left?
Natalie Green: Feed 'em to the schnauzers!

"The Facts of Life: Breaking Point (#2.10)" (1981)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Now Blair, I know you're going to be mature about this.
Blair: How mature am I going to have to be?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: You girls are under a lot of pressure, to achieve, to succeed, to fit in, to grow up. And I wanna tell you, it's okay to feel confused and frightened and insecure, we all do. And when you feel that way, oh God, please, talk about it.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: But what about people who have nobody to talk to?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I was mad as hell too when my friend Gloria killed herself. I mean, one minute we was splitting a tuna fish sandwich, and the next thing I knew, she was all over Columbus Avenue. No reason, no goodbye, no nothing.
Blair Warner: Well there's gotta be a reason, we just haven't found it yet.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: We probably never will. Some kids reach a point where they can't see any other way out.
Natalie Green: At 16, what could be so terrible that it would make you want to stop living?

"The Facts of Life: Two Guys from Appleton (#6.17)" (1985)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: I still need something borrowed.
Blair Warner: [hands her a bracelet] You can borrow this.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Oh thank you!
Blair Warner: Oh don't worry, it's insured.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: I don't know what I should say to him...
Jo Polniaczek: How about 'Hello'. From there you can go anywhere.

"The Facts of Life: Store Games (#5.10)" (1983)
Pete Dawson: Woowie! Something is clearing up my sinuses!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [dryly] I'm proud to say that that smell is me.
[holds up papers]
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I took one more look through his garbage and I found this.
Pete Dawson: That is private garbage!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [shows them to the girls] Recipes for Mrs. Garrett's croissants, her strudel and her cheese puffs.
Edna Garrett: [to Pete] So, you were stealing MY recipes!
Natalie Green: That's right, Mrs. Garrett, he used his computer to break into our computer and steal your files.

Pete Dawson: I will reduce you to a greasy spot on the floor!
Edna Garrett: Talking about your cooking again?

The Facts of Life Reunion (2001) (TV)
Mrs. Edna Garrett: [on the phone] Harper's where? Blair's what? Thanksgiving's WHEN?

Mrs. Edna Garrett: So, where's Jo?
Natalie Green: Not here yet.
Blair Warner: Oh, lets not get our knickers in a twist, she'll be here.

"The Facts of Life: Big Fish/Little Fish (#5.18)" (1984)
Edna Garrett: I'm frozen stiff. I'm going upstairs and chip off my pantyhose.

Edna Garrett: You know, a few weeks after my father died, some friends took me to the movies to see 'Some Like it Hot'. I laughed for 2 hours, and then I went home and cried for 2 days. I missed my dad so much. How could I have had such a good time?
Natalie Green: I know what you mean.
Edna Garrett: But then I realized, I wasn't forgetting my dad when I was having a good time. I was letting go of some of the pain of losing him. Natalie, it's okay, that's how we get on with our lives.

"The Facts of Life: Adoption (#1.10)" (1980)
Steven Bradley: [a box of erotic nighties were delivered in error] Henri's of Hollywood at Eastland?
Edna Garrett: Oh, Mr Bradley, you can read that label from across the room?
Steven Bradley: I don't need to read the label. I've seen this stuff up close.
Edna Garrett: [all the girls shoot him an 'oh, really?' look] Oh?
Steven Bradley: [visibly uncomfortable] Don't change the subject.

Steven Bradley: [referring to Blair helping Natalie] This time you have gone too far!
Steven Bradley: [spots Blair with an erotic nightie with lights on] I take that back. You've gone far too far. What is this?
Edna Garrett: That's not the school uniform.
[to Blair]
Edna Garrett: How do you turn them on? No, don't tell me.

"The Facts of Life: Starstruck (#3.15)" (1982)
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [With excitment] Jermaine, personally wanted me to be there.Jermaine, himself Mrs. Garrett...
Edna Garrett: [Cuts Tootie off, from her excitment for the Jermaine Jackson concert] Tootie, listen.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I have to be there at the box office, at 7:30 to pick up the tickets, we'll have terrific seats, Mrs. Garrett. Oh! what am I going, to wear? Oh, I know I'll wear my blue sweater, that's Jermaine's favorite color.
Edna Garrett: Tootie, slow down. Why, you've forgotten about, the fair tonight?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: What about it?
Edna Garrett: This is, a big night for Jo. She's short handed, as it is. We've promised, we help.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Yeah but, that was before the phone call! That phone call, changes everything!
Edna Garrett: I know, this is a disappointment for you but, believe me they'll be other concerts.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: But, not like this one. Who knows, that I'll get to be a special guest again. Besides, it's an insult to Jermaine, if I don't go.
Edna Garrett: I'm sure, he'll understand.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Mrs. Garrett, please, if you take me, I promise I'll never ask for anything, as long as I live.
Edna Garrett: I'm sorry, Tootie. I really am but, we can't go. We'd made, a prior commitment.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [Raising her voice] I'm goin'!
Edna Garrett: Tootie, you're not being reaonable
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Mrs. Garrett, this concert, means everything to me.
[With tears in her eyes]
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Why won't, you let me go? Don't you have, any feelings?
Edna Garrett: [Solemly] Tootie.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [Yelling] Jermaine, wants me there tonight, and I'm gonna be there! If you don't take me, I'll fine someone else, or I'll take a bus, I'll hitchhike!
Edna Garrett: Tootie, I said you're not going, to the concert tonight.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [Screaming with tears, welling out her eyes] I DON'T CARE, WHAT YOU SAY! I AM GOING! I AM GOING!
Edna Garrett: [while Tootie, was becoming hyperventilated] Calm down. Calm Down.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [Crying] Mrs. Garrett, I have to be there, tonight. You have to, take me please.
[falls into Mrs. Garrett's arms, and continues sobbing]
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Please, Mrs. Garrett, take me.
Edna Garrett: [Consoling a despondent Tootie] It's all right, it's all right Tootie.
[Tootie continues crying]
Edna Garrett: It's all right, It's all right.
[Gives In]
Edna Garrett: We'll go.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [Still crying] Oh, Oh thank you!
[continues sobbing]
Edna Garrett: [Low voice] We'll go
[Still consoling, a sobbing Tootie]

Edna Garrett: We'll have to find, replacements for, Tootie and me.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [Angrily] I don't believe it, I don't believe, you actually letting Tootie, to get away with this!
Blair Warner: I didn't realize, all someone had to do, to get their way is, to throw a tantrum.
Natalie Green: Me neither, I've got to work on my, kicking and screaming.
Edna Garrett: This wasn't a tantrum, girls.
Blair Warner: All I know, is that I turned down a fabulous date to be here,tonight. We all have, better offers, well...
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [Cuts Blair off] Don't, say it!
Blair Warner: The point is, we promised we'd be here, and we're here.
Edna Garrett: You're absolutely right, Blair. We all, committed ourselves, to this fair and, we all should honor it.
Natalie Green: [Concerned] And, why are you, letting Tootie go to the concert?
Edna Garrett: Because,I just don't know, what else to do.
Natalie Green: You don't know, what to do?
Natalie Green: Mrs. "always a snappy answer" Garrett doesn't know, what to do?
Edna Garrett: Girls, you didn't see her. She was, hysterical. Oh, she was gonna get to that concert, if she had to jump out of the window, and run all the way, to the city.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Come on, Mrs. Garrett, not Tootie.
Edna Garrett: That's right. Not, our Tootie. But right now, she's not our Tootie. She's become...
Blair Warner: [Completes Mrs. Garrett's sentence about Tootie] Fanatic. Well, that's what the word fan, comes from. My mother, told me that, when I threaten to leave home for, King Hussein.
[chuckles and mumbles]
Natalie Green: Mrs. Garrett, there is nothing wrong, with a little healthy idol worship. Didn't you ever freak over, anyone.
Edna Garrett: Sure, I swooned over Frank Sinatra. But, this is something else. I remember, these films people crying and screaming, over The Beatles. They were all in such a... frenzy.It scared me. Well, that's the way I felt, just now, with Tootie
Blair Warner: Do you think, taking Tootie to the concert's, gonna help?
Edna Garrett: At this point, it's the only thing I can do.

"The Facts of Life: Small But Dangerous (#5.9)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: Kid you're in this store and you're breathing, one of those things has gotta change.
Kelly Affinado: Mrs. Garrett, are you gonna let her threaten me like that?
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Why not? She's good at it.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Do you promise?
Kelly Affinado: I bet to you a promise is a heavy number isn't it?
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: You better believe it.

"The Facts of Life: Double Standard (#2.3)" (1980)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Blair, you don't think a boy would change schools, change countries, just to take you to a dance?
Blair Warner: They have before.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Part of me wishes you would've beaned him over the head with something.
Jo Polniaczek: I did... see that's what happened to your other shoe.

"The Facts of Life: The New Girl: Part 2 (#2.2)" (1980)
Edna Garrett: Alright, girls. What's all the shouting about?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Could you tell Mrs. Onasis here to stay out of my way? With her face creams and cologne bottles and hair sprays, I tell ya, I walk in here sometimes and I think I'm in a drugstore. I look around for the checkout stand.
Blair Warner: She should talk. It's not easy sleeping next to Mr. Goodwrench.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I know what you're doing, you're trying to guilt me into staying.
Edna Garrett: Guilt's a powerful weapon, why not use it?

"The Facts of Life: Like Mother, Like Daughter (#1.2)" (1979)
Blair Warner: My mother's made a date with her latest conquest, Justin Branch. He's a married man! I never want to hear 'like mother, like daughter' again.
Edna Garrett: Oh, but Blair, your mother and Mr. Branch are old friends. They're having an innocent reunion.
Blair Warner: I've lost three fathers because of 'innocent' little reunions like this. I wonder how many husbands I'll go through.

Edna Garrett: Blair is very upset. Her mother's about to become involved with a man here.
Steven Bradley: She is? Did she tell you where she wants me to meet her?

"The Facts of Life: Shoplifting (#2.6)" (1980)
Edna Garrett: [after losing 25 pounds] Well I can't have a piece of the cake but I can still make a wish and blow out the candles.

Edna Garrett: [announcing that she's going out with the cop who arrested her] It's just too bad I won't be wearing my blouse tonight.
[the girls start to chatter]
Edna Garrett: Well don't get me wrong, I'll be wearing *something*.

"The Facts of Life: A Friend in Deed (#3.4)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: [bursting into the kitchen with Natalie hot on her heels] I need a clock! Mrs Garrett, I'm taking your egg timer. I'll take this for a fuse.
[begins unraveling some string]
Jo Polniaczek: I'll get this stuff together, and then I can make some stuff up in the science lab!
Edna Garrett: [half heartedly] What are you doing, making a bomb?
Natalie Green: [desperate] Yes, YES!
Edna Garrett: WHAT?
Jo Polniaczek: I'm gonna roll it through their front door, and POW! BOY, POW! Dead Kawasakis all over the street!

"The Facts of Life: Ain't Miss Beholden (#4.1)" (1982)
Natalie Green: [looking over prospective scholarships Jo could apply for] The Sven Erickson Foundation. To be awarded to a student of Norweigan ancestry whose father is a member of the plumber's union.
Jo Polniaczek: I don't think I qualify.
Edna Garrett: Ah. The Judith Gehart scholarship. To be awarded to any young woman who promises to live chastely and give up sins of the flesh.
Jo Polniaczek: I don't think I wanna qualify.

"The Facts of Life: A Death in the Family (#5.17)" (1984)
Tootie Ramsey: You know what I don't understand? How come there are no flowers? When somebody dies, people usually send flowers.
Jo Polniaczek: Not to a shiva house.
Blair Warner: What's shiva?
Edna Garrett: Shiva is the Jewish period of mourning, and the family follows certain customs you know, like wearing that black ribbon.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, and there's no music or TV allowed.
Blair Warner: [sees a sheet draped on the mantle] I wonder what that is.
Edna Garrett: It's a mirror, but in a shiva house all the mirrors are covered.
Blair Warner: Why?
Jo Polniaczek: Because they're a symbol of vanity, Blair, and they're out of place in a house of mourning.

"The Facts of Life: A Slice of Life (#6.2)" (1984)
Edna Garrett: [leaving Natalie and Jo to cook in her kitchen] Now, you know where everything is: flour, the oven, the fire extinguisher?

"The Facts of Life: Love at First Byte (#6.3)" (1984)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: You can't just leave them in there staring at my microwave.
Jo Polniaczek: No problem. We'll put Natalie in it and let them watch her explode.

"The Facts of Life: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? (#4.19)" (1983)
[last lines]
Edna Garrett: Can you imagine what that family thinks of Americans after tonight? They'll probably go back to France and never want to visit the United States again.
Edna Garrett: [Begins smiling maliciously after a pause] Boy. That squirrel really flew out of the box, didn't it?
Natalie Green: [all the girls begin smiling] Zoom.
Jo Polniaczek: Flew through the air like Evil Knievel.
Tootie Ramsey: And did you see the way Marie jumped on that table and refused to come down?
Edna Garrett: SHE flew through the air like Evil Knievel!

"The Facts of Life: Dieting (#1.7)" (1980)
Edna Garrett: [Eating a green pepper and lettuce for lunch] Once you get used to the taste of a green pepper, it can explode with flavour.
Molly Parker: Did it explode yet?
Edna Garrett: Not a crackle. Not a pop.

"The Facts of Life: Green-Eyed Monster (#3.12)" (1982)
Edna Garrett: Jo, why don't you audition for a part?
Jo Polniaczek: No way, I'm not gonna get up there and make a fool out of myself.
Blair Warner: But you do it so well!

"The Facts of Life: Working It Out (#6.15)" (1985)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Just a minute Blair. Have you been cutting classes?
Blair Warner: Only the boring ones.

"The Facts of Life: Teenage Marriage: Part 2 (#2.8)" (1981)
Edna Garrett: [to Jo] We'll wait outside and give you some privacy. Come on, Blair.
Blair Warner: It's 10 below out there!
Edna Garrett: You'll live.

"The Facts of Life: Christmas Baby (#7.13)" (1985)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Blair, your mother doesn't hate you.
Blair Warner: She spit in my face... Okay she didn't spit, but I could tell she wanted to.

"The Facts of Life: A Royal Pain (#4.12)" (1983)
Natalie Green: [Mrs Garrett entered the cafeteria] What are you doing up?
Edna Garrett: Oh, I needed something for my stomach. I took a few leftovers to bed and they're not sitting too well.
Jo Polniaczek: Did you eat my mousse?
Jo Polniaczek: I'm sorry Jo. I mean reeaally sorry. That mousse is just sitting there, antlers and all!

"The Facts of Life: Runaway (#3.18)" (1982)
Edna Garrett: [Tootie's taken off and Jo's just called the school] Jo, listen. Let me talk to Tootie for a minute.
Edna Garrett: [listens for a second] What do you mean she's not with you? Jo, Tootie left for New York on the eleven o'clock train. She was planning on meeting you in front of the theatre.
Edna Garrett: [listens] Why weren't you there?
Edna Garrett: [listens again] WHAT DOES A NUN HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?
Edna Garrett: [takes a deep breath, exhales, then calms down] Jo, I'm driving in right now. I'll meet you girls in front of the theatre in an hour. WAIT FOR ME!

"The Facts of Life: Next Door (#5.14)" (1984)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [Jo refuses to evacuate during the gas leak] Mrs. Garrett, I know I can fix the boiler.
Edna Garrett: Jo, I've only said this twice in my life: Once when my husband tried to sell the furniture to pay off his bookie, and now. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I HIT YOU WITH MY FRYING PAN!

"The Facts of Life: Crossing the Line (#5.15)" (1984)
Blair Warner: Several of my friends are a lot less prejudice than they used to be.
Edna Garrett: Sorry, Blair, but there's no such thing as 'a little prejudiced'. Some people just show it in more subtle ways than others.

"The Facts of Life: Dear Apple (#6.9)" (1984)
Edna Garrett: What's Jo yelling about up there?
Blair Warner: Oh, she's upset because somebody used up all the hot water.
Edna Garrett: No hot water? That's impossible. It would have had to been running for...
Blair Warner: [maliciously] Hours.
Edna Garrett: Blair?
Natalie Green: You are so wicked!

"The Facts of Life: The Halloween Show (#5.6)" (1983)
Tootie Ramsey: Mrs. Garrett, I thought you were Grizzly Gertie with that knife!
Edna Garrett: Tootie, why were you sleeping in that chair?
Tootie Ramsey: I was getting nervous, I wanted to sleep closer to the door.
Natalie Green: Mrs. Garrett, your joke worked a lot better last night.
Edna Garrett: What joke?
Natalie Green: Oh come on, last night you were standing over my bed at 3 A.M., sharpening that butcher knife, doing a terrific Grizzly Gertie. "Helga, you will now learn some respect, ja?"
Natalie Green: Good joke.
Edna Garrett: I wasn't in here at all last night, and I'm in no mood for jokes!

"The Facts of Life: Sweet Sorrow (#3.7)" (1981)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Blair why are you so happy?
Blair Warner: I'm getting a divorce!
[class project]

"The Facts of Life: Smile (#6.11)" (1984)
Blair Warner: Forget entry, this guy could be a lunatic!
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Atleast he's a lunatic with good taste.

"The Facts of Life: Magnificent Obsession (#4.13)" (1983)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: She's still sitting there.
Tootie Ramsey: She's been like that for over an hour.
Natalie Green: You don't think Chad could of stood her up do you?
Jo Polniaczek: No she's early.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: She's what?
Tootie Ramsey: Now do you see why I'm so worried? Blair was born two weeks premature and hasn't been early for anything since!