Blair Warner
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Quotes for
Blair Warner (Character)
from "The Facts of Life" (1979)

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"The Facts of Life: Fear Strikes Back (#3.2)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: You can't go as Jane Fonda.
Blair Warner: Why not? Who are you going as?
Jo Polniaczek: Peter Fonda.

Blair Warner: You realize of course you'll have to pick someone else.
Jo Polniaczek: Not on your life, I already got my leather jacket, my boots, and come this Friday night I'll be Easy Rider.
Blair Warner: You can't go as Peter Fonda, he's a man!
Natalie Green: She was always a whiz at biology.
Jo Polniaczek: It's not Peter Fonda, it's what he represents, bikes, freedom.

Edna Garrett: I don't want you girls to panic about this situation, the school is taking every possible precaution.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, that's why all those workmen were here this morning, they're installing alarms.
Edna Garrett: You're telling me, I didn't realize those things were so sensitive. I slammed the refrigerator door this morning and bells started ringing, I thought I'd won the Secret Square.
Blair Warner: But will alarms be enough?
Edna Garrett: Oh it's not just alarms, Blair, they're arranging for closed circuit television, electric gates.
Jo Polniaczek: I know all about these 'precautions' they may keep a few people out, but mostly they lock people in.

Edna Garrett: [Natalie comes in with her jacket torn] Natalie!
Blair Warner: What happened?
Natalie Green: I was coming home and I knew it was late so I was hurrying. I wasn't far, Mrs. Garrett, I was almost home!
Blair Warner: Natalie what happened?
Natalie Green: A man grabbed me and I tried to scream but he covered my mouth!
Edna Garrett: My God!
Natalie Green: He pushed me down and he was holding me down. And all of a sudden I heard people's voices, he must've heard them too because he got up and ran away. Mrs. Garrett, if those people hadn't passed by... Mrs. Garrett, I was almost home!

Blair Warner: I've been up almost every night with Natalie this week.
Jo Polniaczek: We've all been up with her, those nightmares of hers are getting worse.
Blair Warner: Maybe she'll feel better once the man is caught.
Jo Polniaczek: Caught? The chances of finding that creep are zilch.
Edna Garrett: Jo, the police are doing everything they can.
Blair Warner: Mrs. Garrett, last night Natalie woke me up to walk her to the bathroom, that's just down the hall!
Edna Garrett: Blair, a dark hallway can be very threatening after an experience like Natalie's.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Boy Natalie, the next time you ask me to walk home with you, make sure I wear my track shoes.
Natalie Green: It was getting dark.
Jo Polniaczek: At noon? You're right, you never know when a total eclipse is just going to sneak up on you.
Natalie Green: Sure, you can make jokes, but I've had my eyes opened, I know my limitations, I don't think any of you know what it's like to be a woman.
Blair Warner: You're kidding, I'm sure?
Natalie Green: It means that you're weak and helpless, and you don't have a chance out there.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I wonder how much a sex change costs?

Blair Warner: Natalie has a point, we all bear the burden of being attractive and feminine.
[looks at Jo]
Blair Warner: Well almost all of us.
Edna Garrett: Girls, attractiveness is not what these attacks are about.

Self-Defense Instructor: Oh listen, when I leave, how do I get out of here?
Blair Warner: [points] Oh you just go right out that...
Self-Defense Instructor: [Grabs Blair's hand, pins it behind her back and his arm around her neck] Never let your guard down when a stranger approaches. What're you going to do now?
Blair Warner: I don't know!
Self-Defense Instructor: Well your legs are free, kick me.
Blair Warner: I can't!
Self-Defense Instructor: You've got a free hand, hit me, go for the groin.
Blair Warner: [gasps] I can't!
Self-Defense Instructor: What's the matter Blair? Too un-lady like?
Blair Warner: Yes!
Self-Defense Instructor: You're not going to be dealing with Prince Charles out there, no area of the body is off limits, you're protecting yourself, maybe even your life, so please, anything goes.

Natalie Green: I think this is great, it's all very entertaining, it just doesn't happen this way.
Blair Warner: [all the girls heckle her] The man's an expert.
Natalie Green: Well I'm an expert too! And when it happened to me, NONE of this would've helped, there was NOTHING I could do to stop it!
Self-Defense Instructor: How about before it happened?
Natalie Green: What do you mean?
Self-Defense Instructor: Was it night?
Natalie Green: Yes.
Self-Defense Instructor: Did you ask someone to walk with you?
Natalie Green: No.
Self-Defense Instructor: Did you stick to a well lighted path?
Natalie Green: No.
Self-Defense Instructor: You used a shortcut?
Natalie Green: Yeah but I've done it a...
Self-Defense Instructor: Did you at least listen for footsteps? Check the area for strangers?

"The Facts of Life: Breaking Point (#2.10)" (1981)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Now Blair, I know you're going to be mature about this.
Blair: How mature am I going to have to be?

Blair Warner: I said it, do I have to mean it too?

Blair Warner: How about some warm milk and cold oatmeal?

Blair Warner: Nobody lives in Nevada but Wayne Newton.

Blair: If I do lose, how will I save face?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Oh you wanna save face? Do what they did in Shogun.
[mimicks hara kiri]

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Blair, will you be a good sport, huh?
Blair Warner: I'm always a good sport.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: No, you're always a good winner. A good sport is what you have to be when you lose.

Blair: I'm yesterday's news. You might as well use me to wrap fish.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Or to line the bottom of a bird cage.

Natalie Green: It's just so weird, a few days ago we were joking and laughing, now she's gone.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: When someone transfers to another school, she's gone, Cynthia's not gone, she's dead.
Blair: Do you have to make it sound so brutal?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Dying IS brutal.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I was mad as hell too when my friend Gloria killed herself. I mean, one minute we was splitting a tuna fish sandwich, and the next thing I knew, she was all over Columbus Avenue. No reason, no goodbye, no nothing.
Blair Warner: Well there's gotta be a reason, we just haven't found it yet.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: We probably never will. Some kids reach a point where they can't see any other way out.
Natalie Green: At 16, what could be so terrible that it would make you want to stop living?

"The Facts of Life: The More the Marrier (#9.7)" (1987)
Blair Warner: We're actually going to get ot meet the infamous Snake, face to fang.

Blair Warner: I swear I have never met anyone who irrates me so much... other than you.
Jo Polniaczek: I knew there was something I liked about him.

Blair Warner: Sometimes men understand things better when we don't tell them things they may have trouble understanding.

Blair Warner: Tootie, have you learned absolutely nothing from me?
Jo Polniaczek: Knowing where to buy hair bleach doesn't apply here Blair.

Casey Clark: I don't mix well with yuppies.
Blair Warner: You don't mix well with anything that walks up right, but you're still going.

Blair Warner: Hey well there's a combo, the untamed, the unloved, and the unwashed!

Natalie Green: They don't allow us to take personal phone calls at work.
Blair Warner: How would they know it's personal?
Natalie Green: Most people don't do business with a guy named Snake.

"The Facts of Life: Less Than Perfect (#9.18)" (1988)
Blair Warner: I'm damaged goods. I'm less than perfect.
Casey Clark: Well I hate to break it to you, but you were never perfect.

Blair Warner: You don't like my nose?
Casey Clark: No... that's not the point. The point is I love you anyway.

Blair Warner: You know the worst part about falling asleep at the wheel. I didn't get to see my whole life pass before my eyes.
Jo Polniaczek: Well that would of killed you for sure.
[Blair laughs]

Blair Warner: I want you to tell me what I look like, no jokes.
Jo Polniaczek: Well, pretty bruised up, you have a, bandage on your forehead, fat lip. I like it.

Blair Warner: When I was 6 years old my mama bought me this little white dress, and it had uh, this little white hat, and these little white gloves, and little white shoes. I looked perfectly perfect. She told me, she told me 'Be very, very careful, and not get dirty. Because one spot, could ruin the whole outfit.' I was so careful!
Jo Polniaczek: Blair.
Blair Warner: All it takes is one slip, one second, and your whole life changes forever.
Jo Polniaczek: You know it could've changed a lot more, the doctor said you were very lucky.

Blair Warner: The doctor said I can get plastic surgery next week. But even then there'll always be... a scar.
Casey Clark: Oh I see... a permanent scar. Maybe you're right. I guess we should stop seeing each other. But let's stay friends, okay? Bye.
[walks out the door, then comes back]
Casey Clark: That's what you expect me to do, isn't it? Just walk out on you, right? Give me a little more credit, lady.

"The Facts of Life: Read No Evil (#3.24)" (1982)
Blair Warner: You're not paying attention, Geri. I thought you wanted to do a routine on soap operas for your act.
Geri Tyler: I do, but I can't keep track of who's doing what to who and how often.

Edna Garrett: Are you sure about this?
Natalie Green: [hands her a list] If you're thinking about checking any of these books out of the library, forget about it.
Edna Garrett: The Fixer, Catch-22, and Slaughterhouse-Five?
Blair Warner: Slaughterhouse-Five, I wrote my term paper on that last year. It was brilliant.
Geri Tyler: That was a good book!
Blair Warner: I was talking about my paper.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Well nobody's going to be writing about it this year.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: How come?
Natalie Green: Because it's offensive!
Geri Tyler: Sounds like book banning to me.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Isn't that illegal?

Geri Tyler: Sounds like book banning to me.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Isn't that illegal?
Blair Warner: Or at least a Miss-demeanor.
Blair Warner: Get it? Miss?
Edna Garrett: Well I know it happens in a lot of other places but I never thought it would happen here.

Blair Warner: If you can't get a book in the library you can always go into town and buy one.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Or wait for the movie to come out.
Edna Garrett: No, that's not the point.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: It's just that with all the stuff we HAVE to read, what's a few less books?
Natalie Green: Nice attitude, Tootie!
Edna Garrett: What did I do?
Natalie Green: This is America! Books are ideas and ideas have a right to circulate! Think of the First Amendment: Freedom of speech, freedom of thought.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Poor Father Flarity.
Blair Warner: Can you imagine how difficult life will be for a married priest?
Geri Tyler: At least he'll be able to hear his own confession.

Natalie Green: Tootie, your parents are lawyers, we're just kids, what can a bunch of kids do?
Blair Warner: Plenty, didn't you ever read Lord of the Flies?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: But the kids in that book killed each other.
Blair Warner: ...Kids will be kids.

"The Facts of Life: Big Fish/Little Fish (#5.18)" (1984)
Blair Warner: I admit I can be a bit flamboyant.
Jo Polniaczek: No, you can be a pain.

Blair Warner: You throw a great party.
Jo Polniaczek: I learn from the best.

Blair Warner: Between you and me, how many votes did I get?
Kelly Affinado: You don't want to know.

Blair Warner: So where'd you disappear to after class?
Jo Polniaczek: A bunch of us went over to Sam's for coffee.
Blair Warner: Who's Sam?
Jo Polniaczek: It's not a who, Blair, it's a what, Sam's is a coffee shop.
Cathy: Everybody goes there after class.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, you should've come along.
Blair Warner: Well no one asked me.
Cathy: No one asks anyone, they just show up.

Blair Warner: I'm not a very good skater.
Jo Polniaczek: Who is? We're all gonna be walking around on our ankles like Jerry Lewis.
Blair Warner: I'm afraid people expect a little more than that from Blair Warner.
Jo Polniaczek: No they don't. Come on, just grab your skates and stick a pillow in your pants like the rest of us.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Ever since her father died, she's been calling her mother 2 and 3 times a day.
Blair Warner: ...She's still feeling a little lost.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Well I was hoping after 6 weeks it'd be better.

"The Facts of Life: The Last Drive-In (#6.22)" (1985)
Jo Polniaczek: What happend here?
Natalie Green: I think Blair decked her.
Jo Polniaczek: You did?
Blair Warner: Well I was just... just... Yeah, I did do the decking!

Blair: This is America, the heart-land, i'm gonna get out there and do... what is it you people do?

Jo Polniaczek: We'll take Mrs. Garretts car.
Blair Warner: Isn't the back seat just a tad uncomfortable?
Natalie Green: Oh don't worry about it, you'll be in the trunk.
Blair Warner: What?
Natalie Green: Sneaking in.
Jo Polniaczek: It's tradition. Somebodys gotta sneak in.

Blair Warner: Jo, am I going to regret this? Like the time you took me to kickboxing and that guys mouthpiece landed in my coke.

Natalie Green: [Blair comes in the drive-in after being locked in the trunk, due to the girls forgetting about her] Blair, we're sorry...
Blair Warner: How long were you planning to leave me in there? I waited for the secret knock. After ten minutes, I decided to use the secret scream.

"The Facts of Life: Let's Party (#4.16)" (1983)
Blair Warner: You know Marshall, there's one thing I've always wanted to do, drive a station wagon! Why don't you give me the keys?
Marshall Ramsey: Hey I took psyche, you all think I'm too bombed to drive, don't you?
Natalie Green: You could've skipped psyche and figured that out.

Blair Warner: Why didn't I leave with Jo? I could've had a perfectly safe ride on the back of her filthy bike.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I don't know why Jo was in such a rush to leave.
Natalie Green: Because she's smart that's why.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: It's because she doesn't know how to have a good time.
Natalie Green: Like George?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: You were in an accident, right?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: No.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Don't give me that, Marshall was driving and he was drunk!
Blair Warner: Jo, don't yell.
Natalie Green: Blair, my knee won't stop shaking.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Alright, what happened?
Blair Warner: He knocked down a tree.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: A small tree.
Blair Warner: I told Marshall he was going too fast, and then he ran right through a red light.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: It was yellow!
Blair Warner: It was red, Tootie! And there was another car coming, I screamed!
Natalie Green: You screamed?
Blair Warner: And then we went right off the road!
Natalie Green: Why won't my knee stop shaking?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: It's alright, Nat, just take it easy.
Blair Warner: We could've been killed.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Look Tootie, something awful happened tonight AND IT COULD'VE BEEN 10 TIMES WORSE!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I know it was awful, alright? But it's over now!
Blair Warner: Is it? He's about to drive off to another party.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Guess what we just dug up from our solar green house...
Blair Warner: Your face?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: No, Blair, a bok-choy!
Edna Garrett: Ah! Chinese cabbage!
Blair Warner: Well! E-I-E-I-O.

"The Facts of Life: Double Standard (#2.3)" (1980)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Blair, you don't think a boy would change schools, change countries, just to take you to a dance?
Blair Warner: They have before.

Jo Polniaczek: I guess when you come from the wrong side of the tracks, guys think your easy.
Blair Warner: Hey they think that when you come from the right side of the tracks too. Heck, I own most of the tracks and some of them think that about me!

Blair Warner: You've got not business at that Cotillion and you know it!
Jo Polniaczek: I've got as much business there as you do, only I got more, I was asked!

Blair Warner: I haven't been this upset since the price of gold went down.

Blair Warner: [after Harrison demeans women, unaware Jo's standing behind him] I understand perfectly. What you're saying is there's two kinds of women. The kind you marry and the kind you... don't.
Jo Polniaczek: That's exactly what he's saying.
Blair Warner: How could you let him say that? Do something, deck him!
Jo Polniaczek: I already did that.
Harrison Andrews: I, uh, guess I better leave.
Blair Warner: No, buster. You stick around here. I'll deck you!
[lunges after him and Jo stops her]

"The Facts of Life: A Death in the Family (#5.17)" (1984)
Jo Polniaczek: Blair can I borrow your black liner?
Blair Warner: Well okay, but I think a soft brown would make you look not as cheap.
Jo Polniaczek: It's for my bike, I scuffed it. Lucky for me your make up covers everything.

Tootie Ramsey: I never thought this would happen in a million years. What am I going to say to Natalie?
Blair Warner: There's not much you can say when somebody's father dies.
Tootie Ramsey: But I can't believe it! I mean I went home with Natalie last month and Dr. Green played Monopoly with us.
Jo Polniaczek: Sometimes it happens that way, Tootie, real fast.
Tootie Ramsey: What's Natalie going to do? How's she going to feel on Father's Day?
Blair Warner: A couple of years ago when I thought I was going to lose my mother, I kept thinking 'Who's going to help me pick out my wedding dress? Who's going to go with me when I register at Tiffany's? Who's going to be there, no matter what?'

Tootie Ramsey: I've never been to a funeral before.
Jo Polniaczek: No kidding, I've been to lots of them.
Blair Warner: One of the fringe benefits of being a Bronx Barbarian.
Jo Polniaczek: In my neighborhood we didn't have enough money to throw parties, so we got together whenever the situation presented itself.
Tootie Ramsey: Jo, a funeral is not supposed to be a social event!
Blair Warner: In my circle, it can be the event of the season. Mother's friend, Bunny, met her 3rd husband at a funeral.
Tootie Ramsey: Oh that's just tacky!
Blair Warner: I'll say, she was burying husband number 2 at the time.

Tootie Ramsey: You know what I don't understand? How come there are no flowers? When somebody dies, people usually send flowers.
Jo Polniaczek: Not to a shiva house.
Blair Warner: What's shiva?
Edna Garrett: Shiva is the Jewish period of mourning, and the family follows certain customs you know, like wearing that black ribbon.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, and there's no music or TV allowed.
Blair Warner: [sees a sheet draped on the mantle] I wonder what that is.
Edna Garrett: It's a mirror, but in a shiva house all the mirrors are covered.
Blair Warner: Why?
Jo Polniaczek: Because they're a symbol of vanity, Blair, and they're out of place in a house of mourning.

"The Facts of Life: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? (#4.19)" (1983)
Blair: Who's your toothfairy, the pep boys?

Blair Warner: Come on, slave week is supposed to be fun. Just think you buy an upper classman and she's your slave for three whole days!
Tootie Ramsey: Blair this may come as a shock to you, but slavery is not one of my favorite things.

Blair: [opens the window] What a gorgeous evening. 'The moon was but a chin of gold a night or two ago. And now she turns her perfect face upon the world below'. The Moon, Emily Dickinson.
Jo Polniaczek: [shuts the window suddenly] It's freezing, Jo Polniaczek.

Tootie Ramsey: What is it?
Natalie Green: Something just crawled up my leg!
Tootie Ramsey: Wishful thinking. Go to sleep.
Natalie Green: No, Tootie, I saw it, something huge, like a racoon or a rat!
Blair: Don't be ridiculous.
Natalie Green: I saw it jump off my bed and scamper across the room. We're being overrun, it's the day of the animals!
Tootie Ramsey: Take it easy, it's probably just a cute little squirrel. They're always running around the yard.
Natalie Green: I'm out of here.
Tootie Ramsey: Natalie, hey, relax. If there is a squirrel in here, all we have to do is leave the window open. He'll find his way out again.
Natalie Green: Not good enough, move over.
[climbs into the top bunk with Tootie]
Tootie Ramsey: What? There's no room!
Natalie Green: I don't want some hideous creature...
Tootie Ramsey: God's creatures!
Natalie Green: Great. I don't want one of God's creatures hibernating in my nightie. Now move over!

"The Facts of Life: The Source (#4.2)" (1982)
Blair Warner: [Guessing what Natalie's story is about] VD?
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Blair!
Blair Warner: ...Valentines Day!

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Mail call, I repeat, mail call. Tootie, here are all your fan magazines.
Blair Warner: Tootie, how can you read those? They're just full of rumor and gossip and innuendo.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: And for you, Blair: People, Celebrity, and Us.

Natalie Green: I had this, idea, I was going to write this really important story for the school paper, for a change.
Blair Warner: Oh I don't know, I really loved your up close and personal look at the bowling team.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Or that story on how Peakskill got its name.
Natalie Green: Stories like that are the reason no one reads the 'Eastlander' anymore.
Jo Polniaczek: My biology class never misses an issue: they're great for the hamster cages.

Natalie Green: [on what her story is about] Abortion.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Natalie, that's a tough subject for a high school newspaper.
Blair Warner: That IS a little touchy, don't you think?
Natalie Green: Of course, but abortion is an important issue and it deserves attention. It's controversial, emotional...
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Exploitable.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Yeah, I hate to think you were doing this just to boost circulation.
Natalie Green: It's more than that, Mrs. Garrett, I wanted to make some waves with this, stir things up.

"The Facts of Life: Gamma Gamma or Bust (#5.3)" (1983)
Blair Warner: Mexican food was the chic thing to serve last month. Nobody's eating it this month!
Tootie Ramsey: Don Ho is.

[repeated line]
Blair Warner: Hi all!

Blair Warner: All they talk about are clothes and money. They're really very shallow.

Blair Warner: And these are her little helpers, Natalie and Tootie.
Natalie Green: The reindeer are outback.

"The Facts of Life: The Halloween Show (#5.6)" (1983)
Tootie Ramsey: [a loud whine of a knife sharpener is heard] Hear that? She's sharpening her knives again. I'm convinced that woman's possessed!
Blair Warner: Tootie.
Tootie Ramsey: Don't Tootie me! Poor Mrs. Garrett's a textbook case of possession! She's got all the symptoms: sleeping in the presence of a cold evil spirit, she's forgetful, she's lying, she's even got that glint in her eyes!
Jo Polniaczek: Oh Tootie will you calm down?
Tootie Ramsey: How can I calm down when poor Mrs. Garrett's in trouble? There must be something in one of my books to help her out.

Mr. Bigley: You girls pulling my leg? You know what happened here, the Halloween massacre!
Natalie Green: What massacre?
Mr. Bigley: Guess you don't know. Let me see now, yes, happened back in '05 when this place was the home of the four old maid Gruber sisters.
Natalie Green: Old maid? That's a very sexist term, but go on.
Mr. Bigley: One Halloween night, Gertrude the mean one got into a terrible argument with Heidi and Helga and Fritzi, oh you could hear the dunk-offs and swinehunds for blocks. Suddenly, the voices stopped.
Blair Warner: Why?
Jo Polniaczek: That's where the massacre part comes in, dunk-off.
Mr. Bigley: Yes, oh yes, the way I heard it, Old Gertie gut Heidi and Helga and Fritzi with a big butcher knife. Never heard in what life. So they took Grizzly Gertie away the next day, but people say she never really left, if you know what I mean.

Blair Warner: Natalie, you were kidding about Mrs. Garrett coming in here last night, weren't you?
[Natalie shakes her head]
Blair Warner: Well then you were dreaming?
Natalie Green: Hey anything's possible, but when I dream somebody's standing over my bed, it's going to be Rick Springfield.
Tootie Ramsey: Guys, this is serious. What if Grizzly Gertie's spirit really is affecting Mrs. Garrett?
Blair Warner: Tootie, you've been watching too many horror movies.
Tootie Ramsey: This is nothing to do with movies! If Natalie was dreaming last night, what's Mrs. Garrett's slipper doing in here?

Natalie Green: Guys, I've got something to show you, take a look at this.
[takes a plaid shirt out of a trash bag]
Blair Warner: It's hardly you, Natalie.
Natalie Green: It's Mr. Bigley's! I found it in the trash behind the shop, along with this!
[takes out a butcher knife]
Blair Warner: That's strange. I just saw Mr. Bigley's package of bratwurst, he never picked it up.
Natalie Green: I know, that's why I decided to call his motel down the block, you know what I found out?
Jo Polniaczek: I hate it when you play Columbo.
Natalie Green: They're looking for Mr. Bigley too! He was supposed to check out at noon but his luggage is still there along with an airline ticket on a flight that left five hours ago.

"The Facts of Life: Man in the Attic (#6.21)" (1985)
Blair Warner: You were so interested in getting him in the house, because you and Kevin have a thing going!
Jo Polniaczek: We do not have a thing going. Nothing going. No thing.

Natalie Green: Do you know how hard is to be nice all the time?
Blair Warner: Do I...

Blair Warner: We use him, he uses us, that's friendship.

Tootie Ramsey: No stereo after 7 o'clock.
Blair Warner: Tootie he's 22 years old.
Tootie Ramsey: Okay, 7:30.

"The Facts of Life: The New Girl: Part 2 (#2.2)" (1980)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Keep your Saks Fifth Avenue rags out of my area! And the next time I find your shoes on my side, I'm gonna glue them together!
[Jo presses the shoes together, then throws them on Blair's bed]
Blair Warner: Would you be careful! Those are very expensive shoes!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Then keep them in a safe deposit box!

Edna Garrett: Alright, girls. What's all the shouting about?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Could you tell Mrs. Onasis here to stay out of my way? With her face creams and cologne bottles and hair sprays, I tell ya, I walk in here sometimes and I think I'm in a drugstore. I look around for the checkout stand.
Blair Warner: She should talk. It's not easy sleeping next to Mr. Goodwrench.

[while the four girls work as waitresses in the cafeteria, snobbish Margo keeps teasing Jo. Jo does her best to ignore Margo]
Margo: [to Molly] It's no surprise she's such a terrific waitress! I heard that's what her mother's been all her life.
[hearing that, Jo is about to beat the obnoxious girl]
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: You no good creep...!
[Blair stops Jo]
Blair Warner: [smiling] Wait a minute, Jo. Don't stoop to her level. A situation like this calls for a rational, civilized behavior befitting a school like Eastland where dignity is our motto.
[Blair takes a leftover cream pie and smears it on Margo's face. Natalie and Tootie burst out laughing, but Jo is not content. Hearing the laughter, Mrs. Garret enters. As she sees what happened, she starts laughing too, but quickly gets hold of herself, while Margo tries to clean her face]

Blair Warner: My nose hurts.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Your *nose* hurts?
Blair Warner: I fell asleep in Algebra class and hit it against the book.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: You're lucky, I fell asleep during gym class and they used me as first base.

"The Facts of Life: Fast Food (#8.9)" (1986)
Natalie Green: Have you been sexually active lately?
Blair: Is that on the form?
Natalie Green: No, but I thought I'd ask.

Natalie Green: Name?
Blair Warner: Whoopie Goldberg. You know my name.
Natalie Green: Address Miss Goldberg?

Blair Warner: I couldn't sell an economy car with a clear consience.

Blair Warner: Jo, you're not suggesting I stick the Warner hands in refried beans are you?
Jo Polniaczek: I'm suggesting you stick them in something if you want to graduate.

"The Facts of Life: Up from Down Under (#9.6)" (1987)
Blair Warner: I'm so proud of us. taking in a lonely soul with no place to go in her hour of need. How much do you think we should charge her?

Blair Warner: I like to live on the dangerous side once in a while. Just last week, I took the bus!

Jo Polniaczek: Alright I was wrong, what do you want me to do tattoo it on my face?
Blair Warner: I'm for anything that will cover it up!

Blair Warner: I've never lost any luggage... then again I always buy a seat for it.

"The Facts of Life: Magnificent Obsession (#4.13)" (1983)
Blair Warner: And if I'm not perfect... and that's a big IF. It certainly wasn't his place to say so.
Jo Polniaczek: Your right. It's my place.

Blair Warner: Maybe for the first time in my life, I'm really in love.

Blair Warner: Go to bed!
Jo Polniaczek: I'm not tired!
Blair Warner: You are sooo suspicious!

Blair Warner: I think about him all the time, when I'm setting my hair, when I'm doing my homework, when I'm taking out the garbage... especially when I'm taking out the garbage.
Jo Polniaczek: That figures.

"The Facts of Life: Two Guys from Appleton (#6.17)" (1985)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: I still need something borrowed.
Blair Warner: [hands her a bracelet] You can borrow this.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Oh thank you!
Blair Warner: Oh don't worry, it's insured.

Kevin Metcalf: I'm looking for somebody.
Blair Warner: What a coincidence.

Blair Warner: He just broke it off, just like that, after all we meant to eachother.
Jo Polniaczek: You went on one date.
Blair Warner: We communicated. We reached out and touched.
Jo Polniaczek: You went to a taco stand.

"The Facts of Life: Dream Marriage (#5.20)" (1984)
Blair Warner: Being happy is a full time job.

Blair Warner: Two of my best friends are there, Neiman and Marcus!

[repeated line]
Blair Warner: You're such a marvel!

"The Facts of Life: The Chain Letter (#5.13)" (1983)
Blair Warner: [about the chain letters] I bought into the luck side. I mailed out all the letters. The dry cleaner lost my clothes. My stay-wet lipstick dried up. I went to get my passport photo taken: the guy says smile, and the camera breaks.
[Jo laughs]

Blair Warner: Jo, a black cat isn't bad luck.
Jo Polniaczek: It is when you're on your bike. I swerved so I wouldn't hit it, I sideswiped a trash can and ran into a tree. Do you know how much it costs to get a motorcycle a nose job?

Blair Warner: It's exhausting worrying about all those things we haven't done.

"The Facts of Life: Take My Finals, Please (#4.22)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: I used to think all I wanted to do was race cars. Now I don't know, I think I'd like to teach kids.
Blair Warner: Great, 'Gang Warfare for Toddlers'.

Blair Warner: Jo can I borrow your highlighter?
Jo Polniaczek: I lost it.
Blair Warner: Oh I see. I lost your book and this is your childish way of getting back at me.
Jo Polniaczek: Until I think of something better... Yeah.

Blair Warner: Jo...
Jo Polniaczek: What?
Blair Warner: Nothing... Jo...
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah?
Blair Warner: I'm gonna make some coffee, want some coffee?
Jo Polniaczek: No thanks.
Blair Warner: Jo...
Jo Polniaczek: What!
Blair Warner: Nothing, forget it.
Jo Polniaczek: No really, what?

"The Facts of Life: Mind Your Own Business (#3.21)" (1982)
Blair Warner: I resent that insinuation.
Jo Polniaczek: Don't have a cow Blair.

Blair Warner: [reading Natalie's diary aloud in astonishment] 'Blair Warner is an egotistical, selfish, air-brained witch'.
Jo Polniaczek: That Natalie, she calls 'em like she sees 'em.

Natalie Green: Are you about the fly in the face of rule number nine? No answering other people's phone calls.
Blair Warner: Easy for you to say, you never get any.

"The Facts of Life: Seven Little Indians (#8.12)" (1987)
Blair Warner: I was so scared, my deodorant failed.
[Natalie moves away from her]
Beverly Ann Stickle: What was the story about?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Story? This Dave guy goes out and kills people, that's the story.

Beverly Ann Stickle: Tootie!
Blair Warner: You hid in a closet with a dead person?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: At least I knew he wasn't going to hurt me.

Beverly Ann Stickle: We were all being murdered by Blair because we bought our shoes at the supermarket.
Blair Warner: Then you deserved to die.

"The Facts of Life: This Is Only a Test (#8.22)" (1987)
Blair Warner: I have natural ability.
Jo Polniaczek: Sometimes that's not enough.
Blair Warner: It is when your natural ability is being rich.

Blair Warner: Can I get you something? Tea? Coffee? A new library?

Blair Warner: I'm sorry, our these newspapers with articles of my father's great wealth in your way?

"The Facts of Life: Runaway (#3.18)" (1982)
Blair Warner: I don't believe it. There is a hair on my menu!

Blair Warner: How was I supposed to know the woman ahead of us would buy the last 40 tickets?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: She was a nun, Blair, you know they never go anywhere alone.

Blair Warner: [sitting in a grungy coffee shop] Look at the clientele. There's only one man in the whole place wearing a suit.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Oh, you mean the pimp.
Blair Warner: [Blair and Natalie look] He's a pimp? Where's his fur coat and his cigar, and his purple hat?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Maybe it's his first day.
Blair Warner: [about the girls sitting at a table nearby] I suppose you're gonna tell me those are his "pimpettes"?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: You got it.
Natalie Green: [they look again] You mean hookers?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Your basic.
Blair Warner: They can't be!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Just watch.
Blair Warner: [everything takes place just as she says it] You see him talking and smilin' on the phone there? He's talking to one of his customers. Now he's gonna hang up. Now he's gonna motion to one of his girls. Now she's gonna find out where she has to meet the customer. And there she goes.
Natalie Green: Wow. That's fantastic Jo. Let's get out of here.
Blair Warner: I'm with Natalie.

"The Facts of Life: A House Divided (#9.15)" (1988)
Blair Warner: Just be yourself, I'll show you how.

Blair Warner: Don't look at me. Don't talk to me. Don't even think about me... I realize that may be difficult.

Blair Warner: Hi Jo, how's your cold?
Jo Polniaczek: Back off Blair, I'm even less in the mood for you today than usual.

"The Facts of Life: Dear Apple (#6.9)" (1984)
Jo Polniaczek: [Jo's in the shower after Blair] AHHH! Blair, there's no hot water!
Blair Warner: Now we're even.

Tootie Ramsey: [Blair gave directions for a group of guys to wait for Jo, who's in the shower, in their room] Top of the stairs, turn right, first door on your left? Blair, our room isn't the first door...
Blair Warner: Three, two, one.
Jo Polniaczek: HEY, WHOA!
Blair Warner: Now I'm ahead.

Edna Garrett: What's Jo yelling about up there?
Blair Warner: Oh, she's upset because somebody used up all the hot water.
Edna Garrett: No hot water? That's impossible. It would have had to been running for...
Blair Warner: [maliciously] Hours.
Edna Garrett: Blair?
Natalie Green: You are so wicked!

"The Facts of Life: Smile (#6.11)" (1984)
Blair Warner: Forget entry, this guy could be a lunatic!
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Atleast he's a lunatic with good taste.

Blair Warner: The rose freak struck again!

Blair Warner: Blair Warner heating up potroast. Confused about men. The world has gone crazy.

"The Facts of Life: Seems Like Old Times (#5.23)" (1984)
Blair Warner: I never thought I'd be saying this... you and Eddie have my blessing.
Jo Polniaczek: Blair do you know what this means to me? Nothing.

Kelly Affinado: [discussing Jo's ex-boyfriend Eddie] He's in the navy? Like Richard Geer?
Blair Warner: More like Popeye.

"The Facts of Life: Cruisin' (#6.5)" (1984)
Blair Warner: I got whiplash! She gave me whiplash! Jo feel my kneck!
Jo Polniaczek: I don't want to.

Blair Warner: You did it. You broke my daddy's car!

"The Facts of Life: Just My Bill (#5.4)" (1983)
Blair Warner: She's stealing our escargots, I'm calling the police!

Jo Polniaczek: Blar, I'm not you.
Blair Warner: Well that's obvious dear.

"The Facts of Life: Tootie Drives (#7.14)" (1985)
Tootie Ramsey: Can I borrow your car?
Blair Warner: Not on your life.

Tootie Ramsey: [Tootie is asking everyone to teach her to drive] Blair?
Blair Warner: I'd love to Tootie, if only I didn't have a fear of Volkswagens.
Natalie Green: You have a fear of volkswagens?
Blair Warner: That I'll be seen in one.

"The Facts of Life: Sisters (#6.23)" (1985)
Blair Warner: Are you saying my mother is trying to buy your father?
Jo Polniaczek: Are you saying my father is for sale?
Blair Warner: Yes, yes I am.
Jo Polniaczek: Well then I'm saying your mother is trying to buy my father, who's not for sale!

Blair Warner: Jo, do you think it's too early to wear white?
Jo Polniaczek: What?
Blair Warner: Oh I know you shouldn't wear white until at least three weeks after Memorial Day, but I just feel like wearing my new white slacks today, right this minute, what do you think?
Jo Polniaczek: I think that when you were very young somebody dropped you on your head.

"The Facts of Life: From Russia with Love (#3.8)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: You lied to your grandparents, you lied to your parents, you're really on a roll.
Natalie Green: It's called survival. Can you imagine how much fun a weekend with grandma would be?
Blair Warner: Oh please, with my mother's 3 marriages I'm an expert on grandparents. When they all come over at Christmastime, it sounds like a bunch of antique cars warming up.
[coughs and hacks]
Jo Polniaczek: I never got to know my grandparents, they all died on me.

Grandma Mona: First they burnt all our hay. And then a mean old looking cossack, started whipping my father.
Blair Warner: How terrible.
Grandma Mona: I ran over to him and I said 'you stop hurting my papa!' Then he put a gun to my chest and he said 'Lie down'.
Jo Polniaczek: Geez Louise.
Grandma Mona: And I said 'no, if you want to kill me, I'll stand'. He said 'I don't want to kill you, I want something else.'
Edna Garrett: Oh my God.
Blair Warner: What did you do?
Grandma Mona: I don't know, without even thinking, God must've given me the strength, I gave him such a push that he fell back over a milk stool, and I began to run. And I ran and I ran and I ran, until I hid, in a corn field.
Edna Garrett: And he never found you?
Grandma Mona: No.
Edna Garrett: Oh Mona, you're lucky to be here.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: And we're lucky we weren't there.

"The Facts of Life: Doo-Wah (#7.7)" (1985)
Blair Warner: This is the only computer I've ever been able to relate to. Except for the Automatic Teller.

Andy Moffet: [holding a video camera] Be right back, I wanna go shoot the competition.
Blair: That's the only way we'll beat them.

"The Facts of Life: Concentration (#7.18)" (1986)
Blair Warner: I'm Blair Warner. Daughter of David Warner. Of Warner Textiles... Yeah, the one in the elevator.

Jo Polniaczek: I have a journal full of useful inventions, but do I get an award?
Blair Warner: For what?
Jo Polniaczek: Well for one, my magnetic toothpaste cap. It always returns to the tube.
Natalie Green: Why didn't you ever do anything with it?
Jo Polniaczek: It only worked if you were facing North.

"The Facts of Life: Before the Fall (#9.4)" (1987)
Blair Warner: A brilliant idea just popped into my head!
Jo Polniaczek: Oh well don't frighten it, it's a lonely place in there.

Blair Warner: Andy would you stop stalling, and call Patty.
Jo Polniaczek: Hey get off his back, if he doesn't want to call her, he doesn't have to.
Andy Moffet: Thank you Jo. I knew you'd understand.
Jo Polniaczek: Well actually I don't, but I defend your right to be a coward.

"The Facts of Life: Working It Out (#6.15)" (1985)
Blair Warner: Mrs. Garrett, you're not my mother, or my gaurdian, or my consience. You're my land lady. Now I'm going now, and I'll be back, when I get back.

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Just a minute Blair. Have you been cutting classes?
Blair Warner: Only the boring ones.

"The Facts of Life: Adventures in Baileysitting (#9.9)" (1987)
Blair Warner: Aunt Natalie, why don't you tell us how we are today?
Natalie Green: We are suicidal!

Blair Warner: Aunt Natalie, how are we today?
Natalie Green: We are suicidal.

"The Facts of Life: Rough Housing (#1.1)" (1979)
Cindy Webster: [Cindy gets out a long rope and gets Nancy and Blair to follow her into the center of the room] Come on you guys, it's tug-of-war practice time. We got to get on the ball before we get our brains knocked in.
Blair Warner: Listen, slugger, some of us want to talk about the dance.
Cindy Webster: [Cindy gets down on one knee and attempts to tie one end of the rope around Blair's left ankle] Now come on. You just plant your foot right here...
Blair Warner: [Blair lightly slaps Cindy's hand away from her and steps back a bit] Would you mind not pawing at me? You are strange.

Cindy Webster: [All the girls begin heading up the stairs to teach Cindy how to dance] Sue Ann, thanks a lot for nominating me for Harvest Queen. I love you.
Sue Ann Weaver: [Cindy hugs Sue Ann for a few seconds] Come on.
Blair Warner: [Sue Ann heads up the stairs, Cindy goes to follow her but Blair stops her] Cindy, what's wrong with you?
Cindy Webster: What do you mean?
Blair Warner: All this touching, and hugging girls, and 'I love you'? Boy, are you strange.
Cindy Webster: I didn't mean anything.
Blair Warner: I'll just bet. You better think about what you mean.
[Blair shakes her head in disgust as she goes past Cindy to head up the stairs]

"The Facts of Life: A Royal Pain (#4.12)" (1983)
Alexandra 'Alex' Lambarti: Then daddy made us go to the after party at Buckingham Palace.
Blair Warner: You were at Buck - Buck - Buck...
Jo Polniaczek: I think she's gonna lay an egg.

Blair Warner: [it's the middle of the night] Where is everybody?
Jo Polniaczek: Those rats! They're probably down in the kitchen polishing off the chocolate mousse. I had dibs on that for breakfast!

"The Facts of Life: Bus Stop (#6.25)" (1985)
Blair Warner: Why do we even have finals? We've already been tested on the material. Where's the trust?

Natalie Green: People need to be exposed to the real world.
Blair Warner: Natalie that's a myth.

"The Facts of Life: Next Door (#5.14)" (1984)
Tootie Ramsey: Mrs. Garrett said take one thing.
Blair Warner: I am taking one thing, my wardrobe.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I know I can fix it.
Blair Warner: Jo, the captain's supposed to go down with the ship, not with the boiler!

"The Facts of Life: Small But Dangerous (#5.9)" (1983)
Blair Warner: I'll pay the store back, I have $50 dollars.
Jo Polniaczek: I don't care if you have a million dollars.
Blair Warner: But I do.
Jo Polniaczek: I know, and I don't care.

Kelly Affinado: I want to talk to you!
Blair Warner: Sure, what do you want to talk about? School? What courses are you taking this year?
Kelly Affinado: Can the courses talk, Barbie doll! We gotta talk business.
Blair Warner: Not if you're going to call me 'Barbie doll' we don't.

"The Facts of Life: Crossing the Line (#5.15)" (1984)
Jo Polniaczek: There are a lot of narrow minded people out there. Where I come from, black and white couples have a habit of winding up black and blue.
Blair Warner: There are a lot of narrow minded people in this room too.
Jo Polniaczek: Don't you give me that, YOUR mother belongs to a restricted country club!
Blair Warner: It is NOT restricted... anymore.

Blair Warner: Several of my friends are a lot less prejudice than they used to be.
Edna Garrett: Sorry, Blair, but there's no such thing as 'a little prejudiced'. Some people just show it in more subtle ways than others.

"The Facts of Life: The Second Time Around (#5.11)" (1983)
Blair Warner: I even learned to play the accordion because I thought it would make me more lovable. Wanna hear Lady of Spain?

Blair Warner: Jo, what your feeling is perfectly normal.
Jo Polniaczek: Don't you tell me i'm normal!

"The Facts of Life: The Lady Who Came to Dinner (#7.20)" (1986)
Tootie Ramsey: Oh come on guys, this can still be a lot of fun.
George Burnett: Oh really how?
Tootie Ramsey: Well we got your friends, we got music, we got plenty of bread and butter.
Blair Warner: Bread and butter? That's what you got me for my birthday?

Blair Warner: You invited a semi-crazy person to stay in Mrs. Garett's room?

"The Facts of Life: The Christmas Show (#5.12)" (1983)
Blair Warner: How do I look?
Jo Polniaczek: Like a giant furball.

Blair Warner: Look, Jo. I had three choices. The cocktail party circuit in Manhattan, a drunken brawl with strangers on the slopes, or being here with you guys. And I decided I wanted to be here.
Jo Polniaczek: [touched] Good choice.

"The Facts of Life: Like Mother, Like Daughter (#1.2)" (1979)
Blair Warner: My mother's made a date with her latest conquest, Justin Branch. He's a married man! I never want to hear 'like mother, like daughter' again.
Edna Garrett: Oh, but Blair, your mother and Mr. Branch are old friends. They're having an innocent reunion.
Blair Warner: I've lost three fathers because of 'innocent' little reunions like this. I wonder how many husbands I'll go through.

Blair Warner: [Blair enters the banquet room and is surprised to find that only Mr. Bradley and Miss Mahoney are present] Where's my mother? Did she leave?
Monica Warner: [Monica, Nancy, Molly, Cindy. Natalie and Tootie enter the banquet room from the kitchen] Oh, Blair, you look beautiful.
Blair Warner: Is that you mother? In an apron?
Monica Warner: Well, I thought it was about time that I started acting a little more like you than you like me.

"The Facts of Life: Shoplifting (#2.6)" (1980)
Blair Warner: I was born with good taste.
Natalie Green: You're lucky, I was born bald.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [Blair offers to help Jo pick out something for Mrs. Garrett's birthday] Forget it, I got my own money and my own taste.
Blair Warner: That's why I offered.

"The Facts of Life: Sex Symbol (#2.11)" (1981)
Blair Warner: He's been saying you're real easy to get along with. If you know what I mean. Real easy.
Natalie Green: Are you saying that he said, that I, that he, that we?

Blair Warner: Tell Neil you wouldn't go out with him if he paid you... well you know what I mean.

"The Facts of Life: Men for All Seasons (#7.5)" (1985)
Natalie Green: When a swimmer gives you his noseplugs, it really means something.
Blair Warner: It means he knows nothing about hygiene.

Blair Warner: You know what I find attractive?
Jo Polniaczek: Someone who tells you you're gorgeous.
Blair Warner: Don't be ridiculous, they all tell me that!

"The Facts of Life: New York, New York (#3.19)" (1982)
Blair Warner: How's your friend... Rocky?
Jo Polniaczek: JESSE... she's okay, the same...
Blair Warner: Becker hasn't changed much either.

Blair Warner: [while making tuna fish] Name something, crunchy.
Dina Becker: [Ecstatically] Diamonds!

"The Facts of Life: The Four Musketeers (#3.16)" (1982)
Blair Warner: My my my, trouble in tinsletown.

Jo Polniaczek: Would you stop doing that?
Blair Warner: What?
Jo Polniaczek: Sighing.
Blair Warner: I don't sigh.
Jo Polniaczek: Well if it isn't a sigh, you've got a slow leak!

"The Facts of Life: Teacher's Pet (#4.15)" (1983)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Guess what we just dug up from our solar green house...
Blair Warner: Your face?

"The Facts of Life: Best Sister: Part 1 (#4.17)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: I hit you.
Blair Warner: No...
Jo Polniaczek: But I wanna let you know, I'm never gonna do it again.

"The Facts of Life: Sweet Charity (#9.5)" (1987)
Blair Warner: We must get out of here, the soap was moving.

"The Facts of Life: Gossip (#2.9)" (1981)
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [after setting the record straight about Mrs Garrett] Well, that's about it.
Edna Garrett: Tootie...
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Blair, do you know that secret you told Jo about Roger and it was only between the two of you? Well, it was between the three of us.
Blair Warner: [Both Blair and Jo stand up] You sneaky, rotten little blabbermouth!
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah. I got bad rapped on account of you, you little creep! I'll get you for this.
Blair Warner: Not if I get her first!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Gee. They're taking it better than I thought.

"The Facts of Life: Store Games (#5.10)" (1983)
Blair Warner: [sees Kelly with a pile of newspapers] You mugged the paperboy?
Kelly Affinado: No, I AM the paperboy.

"The Facts of Life: A Friend in Deed (#3.4)" (1981)
Blair Warner: [shaking and crying] My mother has a tumor in her breast.

"The Facts of Life: Kids Can Be Cruel (#3.20)" (1982)
Natalie Green: You're looking at zero self image here with heavy psychiatrist bills in the future!
Blair Warner: And heavy doctor bills right now.

"The Facts of Life: Off-Broadway Baby (#8.5)" (1986)
Blair Warner: [Walks in to where Tootie is auditioning for a broadway play] My look at all these unemployed people.

"The Facts of Life: Ain't Miss Beholden (#4.1)" (1982)
Jo Polniaczek: I was thinking of trying something new with my hair.
Blair Warner: You mean like washing it?

"The Facts of Life: The Apartment (#7.24)" (1986)
Blair Warner: [Tootie and Natalie have moved out] So how are things going?
Tootie Ramsey: I'll be enriched by this experience for the rest of my life.
Blair Warner: Does Natalie hate it too?

"The Facts of Life: The Ratings Game (#8.7)" (1986)
Natalie Green: Blair, how would you feel if men sat around all day rating you?
Blair Warner: I'd love it.
Tootie Ramsey: But it's so de-humanizing.
Blair Warner: Not when you're a 10.

"The Facts of Life: Under Pressure (#4.14)" (1983)
Blair Warner: We're a joy to be with!

"The Facts of Life: Big Time Charlie (#7.22)" (1986)
Jo Polniaczek: Pizza, seventy-five dollars. How can you spend that much on pizza?
Blair Warner: Don't look at me, I didn't order extra cheese.

"The Facts of Life: The Secret (#2.12)" (1981)
Blair Warner: I took a raw piece of material and created a masterpiece!
Jo Polniaczek: I'd like to tell her what she can do with her chizille.

The Facts of Life Reunion (2001) (TV)
Mrs. Edna Garrett: So, where's Jo?
Natalie Green: Not here yet.
Blair Warner: Oh, lets not get our knickers in a twist, she'll be here.

"The Facts of Life: A Rose by Any Other Age (#9.8)" (1987)
Blair Warner: There's a man downstairs and he's practically ignoring me.
Jo Polniaczek: And they said it couldn't be done.

"The Facts of Life: The Facts of Love (#1.8)" (1980)
Blair Warner: I'm not that kind of girl. You can ask any guy I've ever dated, I'm a tease!

"The Facts of Life: Growing Pains (#3.1)" (1981)
Natalie Letisha Sage Green: I said I was sorry!
Blair Warner: I cannot believe you spilled a half a bottle of $30 wine.
Natalie Letisha Sage Green: It was an accident!
Joanna 'Jo' Marie Polniaczek Bonner: It ate the wax right off the floor.
Blair Warner: Well, at least we have another bottle upstairs.
Natalie Letisha Sage Green: Count me out, I feel awful.
Joanna 'Jo' Marie Polniaczek Bonner: Well, you should. You swallowed half a can of pineapple chunks and a jar of maraschino cherries, I got sick just watching you.
Natalie Letisha Sage Green: Well, it tasted good at the time!

"The Facts of Life: We Get Letters (#7.11)" (1985)
Blair Warner: We're going to put a mime in the window?
Jo Polniaczek: Just a small one.

"The Facts of Life: For the Asking (#4.10)" (1982)
Blair Warner: Besides, think of the thrill it would give some deserving young fellow to be asked out by me!

"The Facts of Life: Gone with the Wind: Part 1 (#6.19)" (1985)
Blair Warner: Come on Kevin, I've been cooped up here for days, let's go do something.
Kevin Metcalf: Sorry Blair, I promised Ms. Garrett I'd get this done.
Blair Warner: I'll buy you lunch.
Kevin Metcalf: Sorry.
Blair Warner: I'll buy you a car that'll take us to lunch.
Kevin Metcalf: Blair, it's 4 o'clock.
Blair Warner: I'll buy you a watch that says 12.

"The Facts of Life: Who's on First (#4.20)" (1983)
Blair Warner: You're not thinking of doing anything silly now are you?
Jo Polniaczek: No, murder is serious buisness.

"The Facts of Life: E.G.O.C. (Edna Garrett on Campus) (#6.8)" (1984)
Natalie Green: Film Appreciation class? Thats tough. Right up there with calculus, physics.
Blair Warner: It's a tough course Natalie. Have you ever tried to take notes in the dark?

"The Facts of Life: Love at First Byte (#6.3)" (1984)
Natalie Green: Because of me, you two are meeting your perfect match.
Blair Warner: Perfect? He's not even blonde.

"The Facts of Life: The Agent (#7.16)" (1986)
Jo Polniaczek: Half a cup?
Blair Warner: Yeah. You know a 1 and a 2 with a little line in between them.
Jo Polniaczek: Guess I didn't see the little line.
Blair Warner: You put 12 cups of peanut butter?

"The Facts of Life: Into the Frying Pan (#7.2)" (1985)
Blair Warner: [Trying to decide on a name for their shop] It should apply to our situation...
Natalie Green: How about, 'Trapped with an irritating rich girl'?

"The Facts of Life: Ready or Not (#8.3)" (1986)
Blair Warner: I approach courses like I do shopping. The classes I don't like, I'll just return.

"The Facts of Life: Running (#1.11)" (1980)
Steven Bradley: [after Sue Ann reveals she won't run in a race and is pushing to consider Cindy to replace her] But Cindy, you've never run in competition before. Sue Ann is the champion.
Blair Warner: Not anymore. Old Thunder Thighs is hanging up her spikes.
Sue Ann Weaver: And you gave me an idea right where I can stick 'em.

"The Facts of Life: Ex Marks the Spot (#8.20)" (1987)
Blair Warner: Now there's a job for you Jo, a doorman!

"The Facts of Life: Adoption (#1.10)" (1980)
Blair Warner: [a box of erotic nighties were delivered to Blair] This must be a mistake, this couln't be from my daddy's company!
Sue Ann Weaver: [holding up a nightie by the label] Oh yeah? Warner Fashions, Henri of Hollywood division.
Molly Parker: Henri of Hollywood? Isn't he the king of 'Passion Fashion'?
Cindy Webster: Yeah, I always read ads in those magazines I'm not allowed to read.
Blair Warner: No, this is supposed to be from the Warner historical department.
Nancy Olson: [holding up a nightie] I could make history in this baby.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Wow, I never saw a nightie that had... instructions!

"The Facts of Life: Write and Wrong (#8.11)" (1986)
Blair Warner: Aha, no parental supervision... the leading cause of crime and polyester formal wear!

"The Facts of Life: Dieting (#1.7)" (1980)
Sue Ann Weaver: [standing of a scale] Okay, Blair. I guess I could lose a few pounds.
Blair Warner: A few? Kansas City beef isn't that valuable.
[gets on the scale]
Sue Ann Weaver: Well, what about those choice New York cuts on you, Blair?

"The Facts of Life: Green-Eyed Monster (#3.12)" (1982)
Edna Garrett: Jo, why don't you audition for a part?
Jo Polniaczek: No way, I'm not gonna get up there and make a fool out of myself.
Blair Warner: But you do it so well!

"The Facts of Life: A Thousand Frowns (#9.12)" (1988)
Rick Bonner: [Blocking Blair's path to the youth center office where Jo and Casey are in conference] Excuse me,
[pointing to the office]
Rick Bonner: they cannot be disturbed right now.
Blair Warner: [In here snooty Blair way] And... just who are you?
Rick Bonner: Oh, I'm Rick Bonner, and I hang out here. How about you?
Blair Warner: Well, I'm Blair Warner and I *own* here. And I can disturb *anyone* just about *anytime* I please.
Rick Bonner: [chuckling] I bet your very good at it.

"The Facts of Life: Teenage Marriage: Part 2 (#2.8)" (1981)
Edna Garrett: [to Jo] We'll wait outside and give you some privacy. Come on, Blair.
Blair Warner: It's 10 below out there!
Edna Garrett: You'll live.

"The Facts of Life: The Reunion (#7.17)" (1986)
Blair Warner: George what you're looking for is revenge. It's shallow, vendictive, and immature. Let's go for it!

"The Facts of Life: Christmas Baby (#7.13)" (1985)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Blair, your mother doesn't hate you.
Blair Warner: She spit in my face... Okay she didn't spit, but I could tell she wanted to.

"The Facts of Life: 3, 2, 1 (#7.10)" (1985)
Blair Warner: I'll be sitting down, the audience won't be able to see this outfit!
Natalie Green: I'm sure they won't mind if you stand on your chair.

"The Facts of Life: Brave New World: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: Is it legal?
Blair Warner: My father does it all the time!
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah but is it legal?

"The Facts of Life: The Rich Aren't Different (#6.12)" (1984)
Blair Warner: You broke my watch!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: No I didn't, it's a stopwatch, it stopped!

"The Facts of Life: The Little Chill (#8.6)" (1986)
Nancy Olson: I'm three months pregnant.
Natalie Green: You're pregnant?
Blair Warner: Don't tell me, the butler did it!

"The Facts of Life: Star at Langley (#5.19)" (1984)
Blair Warner: You don't get to be Blair Warner by being insecure.
Natalie Green: Right, that's how you get to be Natalie Green.

"The Facts of Life: The Way We Were: Part 1 (#5.25)" (1984)
Blair Warner: [after Blair has accidentally tripped over Jo's engine and brakes it] Maybe Jo won't notice.
Natalie Green: Dream on.

"The Facts of Life: Starstruck (#3.15)" (1982)
Edna Garrett: We'll have to find, replacements for, Tootie and me.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [Angrily] I don't believe it, I don't believe, you actually letting Tootie, to get away with this!
Blair Warner: I didn't realize, all someone had to do, to get their way is, to throw a tantrum.
Natalie Green: Me neither, I've got to work on my, kicking and screaming.
Edna Garrett: This wasn't a tantrum, girls.
Blair Warner: All I know, is that I turned down a fabulous date to be here,tonight. We all have, better offers, well...
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [Cuts Blair off] Don't, say it!
Blair Warner: The point is, we promised we'd be here, and we're here.
Edna Garrett: You're absolutely right, Blair. We all, committed ourselves, to this fair and, we all should honor it.
Natalie Green: [Concerned] And, why are you, letting Tootie go to the concert?
Edna Garrett: Because,I just don't know, what else to do.
Natalie Green: You don't know, what to do?
Natalie Green: Mrs. "always a snappy answer" Garrett doesn't know, what to do?
Edna Garrett: Girls, you didn't see her. She was, hysterical. Oh, she was gonna get to that concert, if she had to jump out of the window, and run all the way, to the city.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Come on, Mrs. Garrett, not Tootie.
Edna Garrett: That's right. Not, our Tootie. But right now, she's not our Tootie. She's become...
Blair Warner: [Completes Mrs. Garrett's sentence about Tootie] Fanatic. Well, that's what the word fan, comes from. My mother, told me that, when I threaten to leave home for, King Hussein.
[chuckles and mumbles]
Natalie Green: Mrs. Garrett, there is nothing wrong, with a little healthy idol worship. Didn't you ever freak over, anyone.
Edna Garrett: Sure, I swooned over Frank Sinatra. But, this is something else. I remember, these films people crying and screaming, over The Beatles. They were all in such a... frenzy.It scared me. Well, that's the way I felt, just now, with Tootie
Blair Warner: Do you think, taking Tootie to the concert's, gonna help?
Edna Garrett: At this point, it's the only thing I can do.

"The Facts of Life: Me and Eleanor (#6.14)" (1985)
Blair Warner: As ridiculous as it may sound, a boy once told me my nose was too short... I still carry that anguish.

"The Facts of Life: Let's Face the Music (#9.17)" (1988)
Blair Warner: [to Jo] He's propsed a challenge even more difficult, a makeover for you.

"The Facts of Life: Dearest Mommie (#4.6)" (1982)
Blair Warner: One week Polniaczek... and I'll be able to do anything you can do!
Jo Polniaczek: You're on! I like watching you make a fool of yourself.

"The Facts of Life: Legacy (#3.11)" (1982)
Tootie Ramsey: Remember me, your little worker-bee?
Blair Warner: Did I really call you that? Oh forgive me!

"The Facts of Life: The Return of Mr. Garrett (#1.3)" (1979)
Blair Warner: I guess I'll just settle down and marry the president of General Moters.

"The Facts of Life: A New Life (#7.6)" (1985)
Blair Warner: I don't know if I should call him or go to Alaska.
Jo Polniaczek: Go to Alaska.
Blair Warner: You don't even know what my problem is.
Jo Polniaczek: Does it matter?

"The Facts of Life: Who Am I? (#2.4)" (1980)
Tootie Ramsey: In case you haven't noticed, I'm black.
Jo Polniaczek: You're kidding.
Blair Warner: We thought you were Suzanne Somers.

"The Facts of Life: Post-Christmas Card (#8.14)" (1987)
Blair Warner: Fine don't do it, be a credit card virgin forever!

"The Facts of Life: Sweet Sorrow (#3.7)" (1981)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Blair why are you so happy?
Blair Warner: I'm getting a divorce!
[class project]

"The Facts of Life: It's Lonely at the Top (#6.24)" (1985)
Blair Warner: You know Mrs. Garrett doesn't allow you to date on school nights.
Tootie Ramsey: She does on special occasions.
Blair Warner: And what is the special occasion?
Tootie Ramsey: She's out of town.

"The Facts of Life: Younger Than Springtime (#8.21)" (1987)
Charlie Polniaczek: Which tie goes better?
Blair Warner: I'm sorry if it's not silk, it's all a blur.

"The Facts of Life: On the Edge (#9.21)" (1988)
Blair Warner: [Trying to stop some one from jumping off a building] Remember, dead people can't shop.

"The Facts of Life: Rites of Passage: Part 2 (#8.24)" (1987)
Blair Warner: He's so proud of me... I'm so proud of me!

"The Facts of Life: Grand Opening (#7.3)" (1985)
Tootie Ramsey: I think that guy is a shoplifter.
Blair Warner: Jo, is he a shoplifter?
Jo Polniaczek: How should I know?

"The Facts of Life: Boy About the House (#8.19)" (1987)
Blair Warner: Don't worry when I was his age I had no concept of time either... and I had a rolex.

"The Facts of Life: September Song (#4.11)" (1982)
Blair Warner: My whole body is screaming!
Jo Polniaczek: And sweating.
Blair Warner: I don't sweat... I glisten!
Jo Polniaczek: Well you're glistening like a pig!

"The Facts of Life: The New Girl: Part 1 (#2.1)" (1980)
Blair Warner: [insulting Jo's clothes] She must think we're into nostalgia, she's still wearing flared jeans.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Uh in a minute you're gonna be wearing flared teeth!

"The Facts of Life: Teenage Marriage: Part 1 (#2.7)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: Juliet was only fifteen when she married Romeo.
Blair Warner: Yes. And they had a great wedding night, they both died.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, well otherwise their marriage would of worked out great.