Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek
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Quotes for
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek (Character)
from "The Facts of Life" (1979)

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"The Facts of Life: Fear Strikes Back (#3.2)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: You can't go as Jane Fonda.
Blair Warner: Why not? Who are you going as?
Jo Polniaczek: Peter Fonda.

Blair Warner: You realize of course you'll have to pick someone else.
Jo Polniaczek: Not on your life, I already got my leather jacket, my boots, and come this Friday night I'll be Easy Rider.
Blair Warner: You can't go as Peter Fonda, he's a man!
Natalie Green: She was always a whiz at biology.
Jo Polniaczek: It's not Peter Fonda, it's what he represents, bikes, freedom.

Edna Garrett: I don't want you girls to panic about this situation, the school is taking every possible precaution.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, that's why all those workmen were here this morning, they're installing alarms.
Edna Garrett: You're telling me, I didn't realize those things were so sensitive. I slammed the refrigerator door this morning and bells started ringing, I thought I'd won the Secret Square.
Blair Warner: But will alarms be enough?
Edna Garrett: Oh it's not just alarms, Blair, they're arranging for closed circuit television, electric gates.
Jo Polniaczek: I know all about these 'precautions' they may keep a few people out, but mostly they lock people in.

Edna Garrett: [about the women's safety course] Defense is part of it, anybody interested?
Natalie Green: Not me. I have a silly aversion to being hurled over someone's shoulders.
Edna Garrett: But who knows? Maybe you'll have a chance to do some hurling.
Jo Polniaczek: Ah then count me in!

Blair Warner: I've been up almost every night with Natalie this week.
Jo Polniaczek: We've all been up with her, those nightmares of hers are getting worse.
Blair Warner: Maybe she'll feel better once the man is caught.
Jo Polniaczek: Caught? The chances of finding that creep are zilch.
Edna Garrett: Jo, the police are doing everything they can.
Blair Warner: Mrs. Garrett, last night Natalie woke me up to walk her to the bathroom, that's just down the hall!
Edna Garrett: Blair, a dark hallway can be very threatening after an experience like Natalie's.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Boy Natalie, the next time you ask me to walk home with you, make sure I wear my track shoes.
Natalie Green: It was getting dark.
Jo Polniaczek: At noon? You're right, you never know when a total eclipse is just going to sneak up on you.
Natalie Green: Sure, you can make jokes, but I've had my eyes opened, I know my limitations, I don't think any of you know what it's like to be a woman.
Blair Warner: You're kidding, I'm sure?
Natalie Green: It means that you're weak and helpless, and you don't have a chance out there.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I wonder how much a sex change costs?

Natalie Green: You can all go to the city and pretend like nothing's happened. But I can't, I know what's out there.
Jo Polniaczek: The world is out there, Natalie! Remember the world? You used to like it.

Self-Defense Instructor: Don't look for trouble. You don't want to put him away, you just want to get away. Always avoid confrontation.
Jo Polniaczek: [laughs] Until I finish this course.
Self-Defense Instructor: Always! Listen, whenever anybody jumps you, you NEVER have the upper hand so don't try to play it.

Self-Defense Instructor: [after Jo demonstrates an impressive level of confidence] You know something about self defense?
Jo Polniaczek: Me? Self defense? A little.
Self-Defense Instructor: Ok. I'm coming towards you and I want your money.
Self-Defense Instructor: [Jo ably defends herself and gets cocky. Then he turns the tables] Now what do you say?
Jo Polniaczek: It's in my back pocket.

"The Facts of Life: Seven Little Indians (#8.12)" (1987)
Beverly Ann Stickle: What movie did you see?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: A horror film: The Halloween Hacker 3: Part 6, A New Beginning, Dave Returns, Again.

Blair Warner: I was so scared, my deodorant failed.
[Natalie moves away from her]
Beverly Ann Stickle: What was the story about?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Story? This Dave guy goes out and kills people, that's the story.

Natalie Green: [a loud scream is heard] What was that?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Nothing, I'm imagining things.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Come on, let's go check it out.

Beverly Ann Stickle: As you can see he must've come in here to blow up the inflatable moose.
Natalie Green: Somehow the antlers punctured the plastic container.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Spilling the horseradish.
Natalie Green: Causing him to slip on the jellybeans.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: And when he opened his mouth to say 'ouch'.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: The rubber cement fell in and finished him off.
Beverly Ann Stickle: Death by Rue Goldberg.

Natalie Green: Tootie heard noises outside, didn't she? Some guy looks in the shop, sees Andy and kills him.
Beverly Ann Stickle: I'm going to call the police.
[picks up the receiver]
Beverly Ann Stickle: That's funny, there's no dial tone.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: The storm must've brought the line down.
Natalie Green: Or maybe somebody cut it!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Anybody messes with my stuff again pays the price.
[the closet door opens and shows George hanging on a hook, girls scream]
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I'm glad we understand each other.
[sees George]
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Whoa!
Beverly Ann Stickle: I thought George was going for help!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Guess he decided to hang around.

Beverly Ann Stickle: There's one thing about all this that really bothers me.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Besides Tootie's overacting?
Beverly Ann Stickle: Those dice didn't come downstairs by themselves. Someone had to set them in motion, someone who may still be upstairs!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Oh no, Blair's upstairs!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Yeaaaah.

Beverly Ann Stickle: [about Blair] She's completely stiff!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Looks like she was moussed to death!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Poor Blair, at least she died like she lived; looking at herself.

"The Facts of Life: Breaking Point (#2.10)" (1981)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: That kidney will never fit.
Natalie Green: Why not?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Because it's a liver.

Natalie Green: Where *is* Cynthia?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Blair probably sent her on a cruise, the Bermuda Triangle.

Blair: If I do lose, how will I save face?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Oh you wanna save face? Do what they did in Shogun.
[mimicks hara kiri]

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Blair, will you be a good sport, huh?
Blair Warner: I'm always a good sport.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: No, you're always a good winner. A good sport is what you have to be when you lose.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: She'll be okay, she didn't really wanna kill herself anyway.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: What makes you say that?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: She set it up so you guys would find her. If she was really serious she would've done it like my friend Gloria back home; she jumped off the school roof between history class and home ec.

Natalie Green: It's just so weird, a few days ago we were joking and laughing, now she's gone.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: When someone transfers to another school, she's gone, Cynthia's not gone, she's dead.
Blair: Do you have to make it sound so brutal?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Dying IS brutal.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: If everybody killed themself because of a divorce, half the country would be wiped out.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I was mad as hell too when my friend Gloria killed herself. I mean, one minute we was splitting a tuna fish sandwich, and the next thing I knew, she was all over Columbus Avenue. No reason, no goodbye, no nothing.
Blair Warner: Well there's gotta be a reason, we just haven't found it yet.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: We probably never will. Some kids reach a point where they can't see any other way out.
Natalie Green: At 16, what could be so terrible that it would make you want to stop living?

"The Facts of Life: Double Standard (#2.3)" (1980)
Harrison Andrews: So, you just hop on your bike and hit the road?
Jo Polniaczek: Only when I don't hold on tight enough!

Harrison Andrews: So, you just hop on your bike and hit the road?
Jo Polniaczek: Only when I do not hold on tight enough!

Jo Polniaczek: Eat your heart out! And don't forget to put ketchup on it.

Jo Polniaczek: I guess when you come from the wrong side of the tracks, guys think your easy.
Blair Warner: Hey they think that when you come from the right side of the tracks too. Heck, I own most of the tracks and some of them think that about me!

Blair Warner: You've got not business at that Cotillion and you know it!
Jo Polniaczek: I've got as much business there as you do, only I got more, I was asked!

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Part of me wishes you would've beaned him over the head with something.
Jo Polniaczek: I did... see that's what happened to your other shoe.

Blair Warner: [after Harrison demeans women, unaware Jo's standing behind him] I understand perfectly. What you're saying is there's two kinds of women. The kind you marry and the kind you... don't.
Jo Polniaczek: That's exactly what he's saying.
Blair Warner: How could you let him say that? Do something, deck him!
Jo Polniaczek: I already did that.
Harrison Andrews: I, uh, guess I better leave.
Blair Warner: No, buster. You stick around here. I'll deck you!
[lunges after him and Jo stops her]

"The Facts of Life: Just My Bill (#5.4)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: Blar, I'm not you.
Blair Warner: Well that's obvious dear.

Jo Polniaczek: [after catching Kelly shoplifting in the store] Wait a minute.
[takes a jar from Kelly's pocket]
Jo Polniaczek: Marinated baby corn?
Kelly Affinado: Can I help it if you don't have any normal food in here?
Jo Polniaczek: Look, kid. There's a bus coming down the street in ten minutes, be under it.

Jo Polniaczek: [about to meet Bill's parents, whom he kept secret] Now I understand why you didn't want me to have dinner with them. You're ashamed of dating someone like me. Don't worry, I'm not gonna pick my teeth with my fork. I'm just gonna be myself.
Jo Polniaczek: [goes to the table and sticks out her hand] How ya doin' mom? Pops?

Jo Polniaczek: So... I hear you folks have more money than God.

William Ogden Smith III: So what's your father do?
Jo Polniaczek: Time.
Mrs. Smith: Pardon?
Jo Polniaczek: Oh no thanks, Judge, he don't need a pardon, he's been on parole for 2 years.

Mrs. Smith: So Bill tells us you're from New York.
Jo Polniaczek: Naw, I'm from the Bronx, you know the Bronx, it's that poor place you people slum through on your way to the airport.

"The Facts of Life: A Death in the Family (#5.17)" (1984)
Jo Polniaczek: Blair can I borrow your black liner?
Blair Warner: Well okay, but I think a soft brown would make you look not as cheap.
Jo Polniaczek: It's for my bike, I scuffed it. Lucky for me your make up covers everything.

Natalie Green: The shop is called Edna's Edibles right? So why not make an edible float?
Jo Polniaczek: That's dumb.
Tootie Ramsey: Listen to her, all of Natalie's good ideas sound dumb.

Tootie Ramsey: I never thought this would happen in a million years. What am I going to say to Natalie?
Blair Warner: There's not much you can say when somebody's father dies.
Tootie Ramsey: But I can't believe it! I mean I went home with Natalie last month and Dr. Green played Monopoly with us.
Jo Polniaczek: Sometimes it happens that way, Tootie, real fast.
Tootie Ramsey: What's Natalie going to do? How's she going to feel on Father's Day?
Blair Warner: A couple of years ago when I thought I was going to lose my mother, I kept thinking 'Who's going to help me pick out my wedding dress? Who's going to go with me when I register at Tiffany's? Who's going to be there, no matter what?'

Jo Polniaczek: You know, it's funny, sometimes you get so mad at your folks and you say 'I never want to see you again'. It's real easy to say when you know you will.
Tootie Ramsey: But it's not fair! Parents are supposed to get old! Really old! They're not supposed to die until you know how to handle it!

Tootie Ramsey: I've never been to a funeral before.
Jo Polniaczek: No kidding, I've been to lots of them.
Blair Warner: One of the fringe benefits of being a Bronx Barbarian.
Jo Polniaczek: In my neighborhood we didn't have enough money to throw parties, so we got together whenever the situation presented itself.
Tootie Ramsey: Jo, a funeral is not supposed to be a social event!
Blair Warner: In my circle, it can be the event of the season. Mother's friend, Bunny, met her 3rd husband at a funeral.
Tootie Ramsey: Oh that's just tacky!
Blair Warner: I'll say, she was burying husband number 2 at the time.

Tootie Ramsey: You know what I don't understand? How come there are no flowers? When somebody dies, people usually send flowers.
Jo Polniaczek: Not to a shiva house.
Blair Warner: What's shiva?
Edna Garrett: Shiva is the Jewish period of mourning, and the family follows certain customs you know, like wearing that black ribbon.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, and there's no music or TV allowed.
Blair Warner: [sees a sheet draped on the mantle] I wonder what that is.
Edna Garrett: It's a mirror, but in a shiva house all the mirrors are covered.
Blair Warner: Why?
Jo Polniaczek: Because they're a symbol of vanity, Blair, and they're out of place in a house of mourning.

"The Facts of Life: Read No Evil (#3.24)" (1982)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Well I hope you're satisfied, they're never gonna let us in the library again!
Natalie Green: I was upset!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: You didn't have to yell like that! A library is like a church, it's supposed to be peaceful and QUIET!

Edna Garrett: What's the problem, Natalie?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Please, don't get her started.
Natalie Green: Okay, I'm IN the library!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Too late.
Natalie Green: And I'm doing research for a paper, right? OKAY! So I go to the shelf to get last month's Miss Magazine, and it isn't there!
Edna Garrett: So?
Natalie Green: So, I go to the front desk and ask Miss Muldoon if it's been checked out. She tells me the subscription to Miss was cancelled, isn't that strange?
Edna Garrett: A little, considering all the feminists on campus.
Natalie Green: That's what I said! Then she tells me that certain elements of Miss Magazine were considered offensive!
Edna Garrett: Offensive?
Natalie Green: That's what I said! Then I find out books have been taken out of the library too for reevaluation!
Geri Tyler: What does that mean?
Natalie Green: I'll tell you what that means!
Edna Garrett: Censorship.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: That's what I said!

Edna Garrett: Are you sure about this?
Natalie Green: [hands her a list] If you're thinking about checking any of these books out of the library, forget about it.
Edna Garrett: The Fixer, Catch-22, and Slaughterhouse-Five?
Blair Warner: Slaughterhouse-Five, I wrote my term paper on that last year. It was brilliant.
Geri Tyler: That was a good book!
Blair Warner: I was talking about my paper.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Well nobody's going to be writing about it this year.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: How come?
Natalie Green: Because it's offensive!
Geri Tyler: Sounds like book banning to me.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Isn't that illegal?

Edna Garrett: Well I'm going right to the library and talk to Miss Muldoon.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Don't waste your time. Mrs. G, you know the way things are, you can't beat the system.
Edna Garrett: Jo, if something's going on here that I feel is wrong, I have to speak out. It's a responsibility, not an option.
Natalie Green: You see, Jo? We can't take this lying down.
Edna Garrett: That's right, what're you going to do about it, Natalie?
Natalie Green: What?
Edna Garrett: Come on Natalie, you're the editor of the school paper. Print headlines, write editorials, take it to the people, make some noise, make a lot of noise!

Natalie Green: [Natalie's been fired as the school editor] They can't do that, can they, Mrs. Garrett?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Sure they can, you're a kid, they want you to be quiet they tell you to shut up.
Edna Garrett: And when you're an adult, they ask you to cooperate.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Hey where'd you get the newsletter?
Edna Garrett: Mrs. Schuster gave it to me. Oh girls it's so good to know there are more important things in your life than just 'oh Richard, Richard, Richard'.
Natalie Green: How did you know it was us?
Edna Garrett: Your style is unmistakable, Natalie.
Natalie Green: Yeah. Buffy Klein, eat your heart out.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: We had to do something.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Yeah, we figured the parents had to know what was going on up here.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: So, we printed up a list of the banned books and Nat's editorial.
Natalie Green: Signed your ex-editor.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: And mailed copies to all the Eastland parents.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Wait till Mr. Parker gets the Xerox bills.
Natalie Green: And we put each of the letters in an envelope marked: Notice of Expulsion, so they'd be sure and be opened.

"The Facts of Life: Big Fish/Little Fish (#5.18)" (1984)
Blair Warner: I admit I can be a bit flamboyant.
Jo Polniaczek: No, you can be a pain.

Blair Warner: You throw a great party.
Jo Polniaczek: I learn from the best.

Jo Polniaczek: What if I have all the wrong music? What if I play Duran Duran and they want to hear Oingo Boingo?

Blair Warner: So where'd you disappear to after class?
Jo Polniaczek: A bunch of us went over to Sam's for coffee.
Blair Warner: Who's Sam?
Jo Polniaczek: It's not a who, Blair, it's a what, Sam's is a coffee shop.
Cathy: Everybody goes there after class.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, you should've come along.
Blair Warner: Well no one asked me.
Cathy: No one asks anyone, they just show up.

Cathy: Remember we're going ice skating tomorrow night.
Jo Polniaczek: Right.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Hey Jo, I didn't know you could ice skate.
Jo Polniaczek: I can't, but I fall great.

Blair Warner: I'm not a very good skater.
Jo Polniaczek: Who is? We're all gonna be walking around on our ankles like Jerry Lewis.
Blair Warner: I'm afraid people expect a little more than that from Blair Warner.
Jo Polniaczek: No they don't. Come on, just grab your skates and stick a pillow in your pants like the rest of us.

"The Facts of Life: Small But Dangerous (#5.9)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: Even Natalie and Tootie don't like her, and they like everybody.

Jo Polniaczek: If she gives you any problems, I'll come down here and step on her.

Jo Polniaczek: Kid you're in this store and you're breathing, one of those things has gotta change.
Kelly Affinado: Mrs. Garrett, are you gonna let her threaten me like that?
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Why not? She's good at it.

Blair Warner: I'll pay the store back, I have $50 dollars.
Jo Polniaczek: I don't care if you have a million dollars.
Blair Warner: But I do.
Jo Polniaczek: I know, and I don't care.

Kelly Affinado: You called me a smurf and a twerp, it got me mad!
Jo Polniaczek: Well if you're mad at me, you take it up with me! You don't extort money from my friends!
Kelly Affinado: I can't take up anything with you, you don't talk to me! You just call me names and take off!
Jo Polniaczek: Well, what do you care what I call you? What do you care what anyone calls you? You are what you are, and what you are is a smurf and a twerp!

Kelly Affinado: I remember the first time I saw you. You were working at the motorcycle shop last year.
Jo Polniaczek: When were you there?
Kelly Affinado: I was there with my dad. He was trying to get his golf cart fixed.
Jo Polniaczek: Oh yeah, that guy. He was the one who stripped his gears in a sand trap. How come you remembered me?
Kelly Affinado: Are you kidding? In the ten minutes that I was there you fixed an engine, you drained a crankcase, and you tossed a six foot biker out on his tattoo!
Jo Polniaczek: All in a day's work.

"The Facts of Life: The New Girl: Part 2 (#2.2)" (1980)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Keep your Saks Fifth Avenue rags out of my area! And the next time I find your shoes on my side, I'm gonna glue them together!
[Jo presses the shoes together, then throws them on Blair's bed]
Blair Warner: Would you be careful! Those are very expensive shoes!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Then keep them in a safe deposit box!

Edna Garrett: Alright, girls. What's all the shouting about?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Could you tell Mrs. Onasis here to stay out of my way? With her face creams and cologne bottles and hair sprays, I tell ya, I walk in here sometimes and I think I'm in a drugstore. I look around for the checkout stand.
Blair Warner: She should talk. It's not easy sleeping next to Mr. Goodwrench.

[while the four girls work as waitresses in the cafeteria, snobbish Margo keeps teasing Jo. Jo does her best to ignore Margo]
Margo: [to Molly] It's no surprise she's such a terrific waitress! I heard that's what her mother's been all her life.
[hearing that, Jo is about to beat the obnoxious girl]
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: You no good creep...!
[Blair stops Jo]
Blair Warner: [smiling] Wait a minute, Jo. Don't stoop to her level. A situation like this calls for a rational, civilized behavior befitting a school like Eastland where dignity is our motto.
[Blair takes a leftover cream pie and smears it on Margo's face. Natalie and Tootie burst out laughing, but Jo is not content. Hearing the laughter, Mrs. Garret enters. As she sees what happened, she starts laughing too, but quickly gets hold of herself, while Margo tries to clean her face]

Blair Warner: My nose hurts.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Your *nose* hurts?
Blair Warner: I fell asleep in Algebra class and hit it against the book.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: You're lucky, I fell asleep during gym class and they used me as first base.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I know what you're doing, you're trying to guilt me into staying.
Edna Garrett: Guilt's a powerful weapon, why not use it?

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: We're closing up here, now what do you want?
Margo: Mmm, I'm on a diet, just one roll.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I've seen you in gym clothes, you got a LOT more than just one roll.

"The Facts of Life: The Halloween Show (#5.6)" (1983)
Tootie Ramsey: [a loud whine of a knife sharpener is heard] Hear that? She's sharpening her knives again. I'm convinced that woman's possessed!
Blair Warner: Tootie.
Tootie Ramsey: Don't Tootie me! Poor Mrs. Garrett's a textbook case of possession! She's got all the symptoms: sleeping in the presence of a cold evil spirit, she's forgetful, she's lying, she's even got that glint in her eyes!
Jo Polniaczek: Oh Tootie will you calm down?
Tootie Ramsey: How can I calm down when poor Mrs. Garrett's in trouble? There must be something in one of my books to help her out.

Mr. Bigley: You girls pulling my leg? You know what happened here, the Halloween massacre!
Natalie Green: What massacre?
Mr. Bigley: Guess you don't know. Let me see now, yes, happened back in '05 when this place was the home of the four old maid Gruber sisters.
Natalie Green: Old maid? That's a very sexist term, but go on.
Mr. Bigley: One Halloween night, Gertrude the mean one got into a terrible argument with Heidi and Helga and Fritzi, oh you could hear the dunk-offs and swinehunds for blocks. Suddenly, the voices stopped.
Blair Warner: Why?
Jo Polniaczek: That's where the massacre part comes in, dunk-off.
Mr. Bigley: Yes, oh yes, the way I heard it, Old Gertie gut Heidi and Helga and Fritzi with a big butcher knife. Never heard in what life. So they took Grizzly Gertie away the next day, but people say she never really left, if you know what I mean.

Mr. Bigley: Unexplained things started happening like Gertrude's bedroom, the one in the back, got much colder than the rest of the house.
Tootie Ramsey: Hey that's Mrs. Garrett's bedroom. Remember she complained how cold it was last night?
Jo Polniaczek: Oh big deal, her bedroom faces north, a cold room is not that strange.
Mr. Bigley: That's true, that's true, until the people who live in that bedroom star to lose their minds. The way I heard it, there's been five over the years, all women, all crazy.

Natalie Green: Guys, I've got something to show you, take a look at this.
[takes a plaid shirt out of a trash bag]
Blair Warner: It's hardly you, Natalie.
Natalie Green: It's Mr. Bigley's! I found it in the trash behind the shop, along with this!
[takes out a butcher knife]
Blair Warner: That's strange. I just saw Mr. Bigley's package of bratwurst, he never picked it up.
Natalie Green: I know, that's why I decided to call his motel down the block, you know what I found out?
Jo Polniaczek: I hate it when you play Columbo.
Natalie Green: They're looking for Mr. Bigley too! He was supposed to check out at noon but his luggage is still there along with an airline ticket on a flight that left five hours ago.

Jo Polniaczek: I don't believe the way you guys jump to conclusions. I mean, what hard evidence have you got? A cold room, Mrs. G's slipper, Mr. Bigely's jacket, a butcher knife, twenty-five pounds of mystery meat.
Jo Polniaczek: [suddenly stops, staring at the bratwurst she'd been eating that Mrs. Garrett made] It adds up, doesn't it?

"The Facts of Life: Magnificent Obsession (#4.13)" (1983)
Blair Warner: And if I'm not perfect... and that's a big IF. It certainly wasn't his place to say so.
Jo Polniaczek: Your right. It's my place.

Tootie Ramsey: Blair's been acting different lately, she's not acting like Blair anymore.
Jo Polniaczek: Is that a bad thing?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: She's still sitting there.
Tootie Ramsey: She's been like that for over an hour.
Natalie Green: You don't think Chad could of stood her up do you?
Jo Polniaczek: No she's early.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: She's what?
Tootie Ramsey: Now do you see why I'm so worried? Blair was born two weeks premature and hasn't been early for anything since!

Blair Warner: Go to bed!
Jo Polniaczek: I'm not tired!
Blair Warner: You are sooo suspicious!

Blair Warner: I think about him all the time, when I'm setting my hair, when I'm doing my homework, when I'm taking out the garbage... especially when I'm taking out the garbage.
Jo Polniaczek: That figures.

"The Facts of Life: Teacher's Pet (#4.15)" (1983)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Guess what we just dug up from our solar green house...
Blair Warner: Your face?

Edna Garrett: Tootie, maybe you better get back to bed.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: No, Mrs. Garrett, she wants to know what's going on? I'll tell her. Gail's not going to another school, Tootie, she's going to a hospital and she's not coming out, do you understand?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I don't... Mrs. Garrett, what's...
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: You wanted to know what's going on, now you know.

Edna Garrett: Jo, I know how difficult it is to lose somebody you care about. But like it or not, you're going to have to try to face it.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I am facing it.
Edna Garrett: How? By cutting Gail's classes? Standing her up? You can run as far as you want, but Gail is still going to die.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Kind of neighborhoods we grew up on, you took your chances just stepping outside the door. But she got out! She made it and now this!

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [about Gail] She must be so scared.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I'll tell you what's scary. What's scary is living and not having it mean anything.
Edna Garrett: Is that what you think's happened to Gail?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: She spent her whole life, working and studying, trying to make something of herself. What's the point if it can be taken away from you at 26? What's the difference?
Edna Garrett: You are, you, and everyone who's ever been in her class. Someone can live to be 80 years old, have nothing to show for it. Gail has you.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: She should have more time!
Edna Garrett: I know.

"The Facts of Life: Let's Party (#4.16)" (1983)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: You were in an accident, right?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: No.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Don't give me that, Marshall was driving and he was drunk!
Blair Warner: Jo, don't yell.
Natalie Green: Blair, my knee won't stop shaking.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Alright, what happened?
Blair Warner: He knocked down a tree.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: A small tree.
Blair Warner: I told Marshall he was going too fast, and then he ran right through a red light.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: It was yellow!
Blair Warner: It was red, Tootie! And there was another car coming, I screamed!
Natalie Green: You screamed?
Blair Warner: And then we went right off the road!
Natalie Green: Why won't my knee stop shaking?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: It's alright, Nat, just take it easy.
Blair Warner: We could've been killed.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Look Tootie, something awful happened tonight AND IT COULD'VE BEEN 10 TIMES WORSE!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I know it was awful, alright? But it's over now!
Blair Warner: Is it? He's about to drive off to another party.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Guess what we just dug up from our solar green house...
Blair Warner: Your face?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: No, Blair, a bok-choy!
Edna Garrett: Ah! Chinese cabbage!
Blair Warner: Well! E-I-E-I-O.

Edna Garrett: Let's cook up Jo's bok choy for dinner.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Nobody's cooking this, it's going in my scrapbook.

"The Facts of Life: Before the Fall (#9.4)" (1987)
Blair Warner: A brilliant idea just popped into my head!
Jo Polniaczek: Oh well don't frighten it, it's a lonely place in there.

Natalie Green: I blew it!
Jo Polniaczek: Well can you blow it someplace else please.

Blair Warner: Andy would you stop stalling, and call Patty.
Jo Polniaczek: Hey get off his back, if he doesn't want to call her, he doesn't have to.
Andy Moffet: Thank you Jo. I knew you'd understand.
Jo Polniaczek: Well actually I don't, but I defend your right to be a coward.

Natalie Green: Give me one reason why I shouldn't jump?
Jo Polniaczek: Does the word, SPLAT, mean anything to you?

"The Facts of Life: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? (#4.19)" (1983)
Tootie Ramsey: Jo, you can't hurt that squirrel. Don't you know he's one of...
Jo Polniaczek: One of gods creatures. Well he's on my turf!

Jo Polniaczek: [Switched beds with Blair] Perfumed sheets?

Blair: [opens the window] What a gorgeous evening. 'The moon was but a chin of gold a night or two ago. And now she turns her perfect face upon the world below'. The Moon, Emily Dickinson.
Jo Polniaczek: [shuts the window suddenly] It's freezing, Jo Polniaczek.

[last lines]
Edna Garrett: Can you imagine what that family thinks of Americans after tonight? They'll probably go back to France and never want to visit the United States again.
Edna Garrett: [Begins smiling maliciously after a pause] Boy. That squirrel really flew out of the box, didn't it?
Natalie Green: [all the girls begin smiling] Zoom.
Jo Polniaczek: Flew through the air like Evil Knievel.
Tootie Ramsey: And did you see the way Marie jumped on that table and refused to come down?
Edna Garrett: SHE flew through the air like Evil Knievel!

"The Facts of Life: Dear Apple (#6.9)" (1984)
Jo Polniaczek: You see I have this problem... her name is Blair.

Jo Polniaczek: [Jo's in the shower after Blair] AHHH! Blair, there's no hot water!
Blair Warner: Now we're even.

Tootie Ramsey: [Blair gave directions for a group of guys to wait for Jo, who's in the shower, in their room] Top of the stairs, turn right, first door on your left? Blair, our room isn't the first door...
Blair Warner: Three, two, one.
Jo Polniaczek: HEY, WHOA!
Blair Warner: Now I'm ahead.

Jo Polniaczek: [talking to the computer] I grabbed the shower curtain before they could see anything. Luckily the flamingos were in all the right places.

"The Facts of Life: The Last Drive-In (#6.22)" (1985)
Jo Polniaczek: What happend here?
Natalie Green: I think Blair decked her.
Jo Polniaczek: You did?
Blair Warner: Well I was just... just... Yeah, I did do the decking!

Tootie Ramsey: Natalie hurry up and change.
Natalie Green: I'm not changing, I worry pajamas the first time I went to the drive-in, I'm wearing them the last.
Jo Polniaczek: Natalie you were five then.
Natalie Green: There's still a little girl in me.

Jo Polniaczek: We'll take Mrs. Garretts car.
Blair Warner: Isn't the back seat just a tad uncomfortable?
Natalie Green: Oh don't worry about it, you'll be in the trunk.
Blair Warner: What?
Natalie Green: Sneaking in.
Jo Polniaczek: It's tradition. Somebodys gotta sneak in.

"The Facts of Life: Less Than Perfect (#9.18)" (1988)
Blair Warner: You know the worst part about falling asleep at the wheel. I didn't get to see my whole life pass before my eyes.
Jo Polniaczek: Well that would of killed you for sure.
[Blair laughs]

Blair Warner: I want you to tell me what I look like, no jokes.
Jo Polniaczek: Well, pretty bruised up, you have a, bandage on your forehead, fat lip. I like it.

Blair Warner: When I was 6 years old my mama bought me this little white dress, and it had uh, this little white hat, and these little white gloves, and little white shoes. I looked perfectly perfect. She told me, she told me 'Be very, very careful, and not get dirty. Because one spot, could ruin the whole outfit.' I was so careful!
Jo Polniaczek: Blair.
Blair Warner: All it takes is one slip, one second, and your whole life changes forever.
Jo Polniaczek: You know it could've changed a lot more, the doctor said you were very lucky.

"The Facts of Life: Store Games (#5.10)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: You mean you can change his recipes and orders by the click of a button?
Natalie Green: Sure, piece of cake.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah we'll screw up his cakes too!

Kelly Affinado: Jo, I've gone straight, I'm working hard for the money. Aren't you proud of me?
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah... beat it.

Natalie Green: Jo, when you used this computer earlier, how did you close it?
Jo Polniaczek: I don't know, I just pressed something.
Natalie Green: You deleted all the files off Pete's computer before saving, as in deleted FOREVER, that means when he goes to look up an order, all he's going to be looking at is a blank screen!

"The Facts of Life: From Russia with Love (#3.8)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: You lied to your grandparents, you lied to your parents, you're really on a roll.
Natalie Green: It's called survival. Can you imagine how much fun a weekend with grandma would be?
Blair Warner: Oh please, with my mother's 3 marriages I'm an expert on grandparents. When they all come over at Christmastime, it sounds like a bunch of antique cars warming up.
[coughs and hacks]
Jo Polniaczek: I never got to know my grandparents, they all died on me.

Grandma Mona: First they burnt all our hay. And then a mean old looking cossack, started whipping my father.
Blair Warner: How terrible.
Grandma Mona: I ran over to him and I said 'you stop hurting my papa!' Then he put a gun to my chest and he said 'Lie down'.
Jo Polniaczek: Geez Louise.
Grandma Mona: And I said 'no, if you want to kill me, I'll stand'. He said 'I don't want to kill you, I want something else.'
Edna Garrett: Oh my God.
Blair Warner: What did you do?
Grandma Mona: I don't know, without even thinking, God must've given me the strength, I gave him such a push that he fell back over a milk stool, and I began to run. And I ran and I ran and I ran, until I hid, in a corn field.
Edna Garrett: And he never found you?
Grandma Mona: No.
Edna Garrett: Oh Mona, you're lucky to be here.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: And we're lucky we weren't there.

Jo Polniaczek: Hey where's your grandma?
Natalie Green: She's driving me crazy, that's where she is. Can you imagine a woman of her age trying to tell me how to run my love life?
Jo Polniaczek: Oh yeah, she's a real troublemaker. Well I'll tell you, you don't want her, I'll take her, cuz' I could use a grandma.
Natalie Green: Oh yeah you're the type, you'd just love to have some old lady give you advice, pinch your cheeks, worry you're gonna fall off your motorcycle.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, I can handle that. At least grandmas don't look for angles like other people, I mean they don't ask for a thing from ya, all they want to do is love you. I'll see you later.

"The Facts of Life: Take My Finals, Please (#4.22)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: I used to think all I wanted to do was race cars. Now I don't know, I think I'd like to teach kids.
Blair Warner: Great, 'Gang Warfare for Toddlers'.

Blair Warner: Jo can I borrow your highlighter?
Jo Polniaczek: I lost it.
Blair Warner: Oh I see. I lost your book and this is your childish way of getting back at me.
Jo Polniaczek: Until I think of something better... Yeah.

Blair Warner: Jo...
Jo Polniaczek: What?
Blair Warner: Nothing... Jo...
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah?
Blair Warner: I'm gonna make some coffee, want some coffee?
Jo Polniaczek: No thanks.
Blair Warner: Jo...
Jo Polniaczek: What!
Blair Warner: Nothing, forget it.
Jo Polniaczek: No really, what?

"The Facts of Life: The Agent (#7.16)" (1986)
Jo Polniaczek: Half a cup?
Blair Warner: Yeah. You know a 1 and a 2 with a little line in between them.
Jo Polniaczek: Guess I didn't see the little line.
Blair Warner: You put 12 cups of peanut butter?

Jo Polniaczek: We've been tasting cookies all day. We have no more feeling left in our tongues, we need an objective mouth!

Andy Moffet: [Andy is trying the cookies Jo and Blair made] Good peanuty bouque... crunchy... dry... but good...
Jo Polniaczek: Then why aren't you swallowing?
Andy Moffet: Because I've got my whole life ahead of me.

"The Facts of Life: Mind Your Own Business (#3.21)" (1982)
Blair Warner: I resent that insinuation.
Jo Polniaczek: Don't have a cow Blair.

Blair Warner: [reading Natalie's diary aloud in astonishment] 'Blair Warner is an egotistical, selfish, air-brained witch'.
Jo Polniaczek: That Natalie, she calls 'em like she sees 'em.

Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Jo, have I got the answer to your prayers. I was just talking to Mr. Grey, the biology teacher, and he had some great suggestions on how to cure your snoring problem!
Jo Polniaczek: [glares a Tootie for a moment] You told that hunk I snore?

"The Facts of Life: A Royal Pain (#4.12)" (1983)
Alexandra 'Alex' Lambarti: Then daddy made us go to the after party at Buckingham Palace.
Blair Warner: You were at Buck - Buck - Buck...
Jo Polniaczek: I think she's gonna lay an egg.

Blair Warner: [it's the middle of the night] Where is everybody?
Jo Polniaczek: Those rats! They're probably down in the kitchen polishing off the chocolate mousse. I had dibs on that for breakfast!

Natalie Green: [Mrs Garrett entered the cafeteria] What are you doing up?
Edna Garrett: Oh, I needed something for my stomach. I took a few leftovers to bed and they're not sitting too well.
Jo Polniaczek: Did you eat my mousse?
Jo Polniaczek: I'm sorry Jo. I mean reeaally sorry. That mousse is just sitting there, antlers and all!

"The Facts of Life: Up from Down Under (#9.6)" (1987)
Jo Polniaczek: Alright I was wrong, what do you want me to do tattoo it on my face?
Blair Warner: I'm for anything that will cover it up!

Jo Polniaczek: Would you be willing to take Blair in exchange?

Jo Polniaczek: You see it's just Franny. Who the hell is Franny?

"The Facts of Life: Two Guys from Appleton (#6.17)" (1985)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: I don't know what I should say to him...
Jo Polniaczek: How about 'Hello'. From there you can go anywhere.

Blair Warner: He just broke it off, just like that, after all we meant to eachother.
Jo Polniaczek: You went on one date.
Blair Warner: We communicated. We reached out and touched.
Jo Polniaczek: You went to a taco stand.

"The Facts of Life: A Friend in Deed (#3.4)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: You're old. You're ugly. You live with it.

Jo Polniaczek: [bursting into the kitchen with Natalie hot on her heels] I need a clock! Mrs Garrett, I'm taking your egg timer. I'll take this for a fuse.
[begins unraveling some string]
Jo Polniaczek: I'll get this stuff together, and then I can make some stuff up in the science lab!
Edna Garrett: [half heartedly] What are you doing, making a bomb?
Natalie Green: [desperate] Yes, YES!
Edna Garrett: WHAT?
Jo Polniaczek: I'm gonna roll it through their front door, and POW! BOY, POW! Dead Kawasakis all over the street!

"The Facts of Life: Ain't Miss Beholden (#4.1)" (1982)
Jo Polniaczek: I was thinking of trying something new with my hair.
Blair Warner: You mean like washing it?

Natalie Green: [looking over prospective scholarships Jo could apply for] The Sven Erickson Foundation. To be awarded to a student of Norweigan ancestry whose father is a member of the plumber's union.
Jo Polniaczek: I don't think I qualify.
Edna Garrett: Ah. The Judith Gehart scholarship. To be awarded to any young woman who promises to live chastely and give up sins of the flesh.
Jo Polniaczek: I don't think I wanna qualify.

"The Facts of Life: The Ratings Game (#8.7)" (1986)
Tootie Ramsey: Muffy? Her name is Muffy? What kinda person is named Muffy?
Jo Polniaczek: Beats me, Tootie!

Tootie Ramsey: Muffy? Her name is Muffy? What kind of person is named Muffy?
Jo Polniaczek: Beats me, Tootie.

"The Facts of Life: Big Time Charlie (#7.22)" (1986)
Jo Polniaczek: Pizza, seventy-five dollars. How can you spend that much on pizza?
Blair Warner: Don't look at me, I didn't order extra cheese.

Tootie Ramsey: Look at this, the shoes match the belt, the shirt match the pants, the pants match the scarf...
Jo Polniaczek: Could you die from over coordination?
Natalie Green: Ask Blair.

"The Facts of Life: Tootie Drives (#7.14)" (1985)
Tootie Ramsey: I dreamed I lost a tooth, I checked in the dream book and that means someone close to you is going to die.
Jo Polniaczek: And you figure thats the mailman?

Jo Polniaczek: I hate teaching people how to drive... first the person's always nervous, then they make stupid mistakes and then they cry when you slap em'.

"The Facts of Life: Sisters (#6.23)" (1985)
Blair Warner: Are you saying my mother is trying to buy your father?
Jo Polniaczek: Are you saying my father is for sale?
Blair Warner: Yes, yes I am.
Jo Polniaczek: Well then I'm saying your mother is trying to buy my father, who's not for sale!

Blair Warner: Jo, do you think it's too early to wear white?
Jo Polniaczek: What?
Blair Warner: Oh I know you shouldn't wear white until at least three weeks after Memorial Day, but I just feel like wearing my new white slacks today, right this minute, what do you think?
Jo Polniaczek: I think that when you were very young somebody dropped you on your head.

"The Facts of Life: Growing Pains (#3.1)" (1981)
Natalie Letisha Sage Green: I said I was sorry!
Blair Warner: I cannot believe you spilled a half a bottle of $30 wine.
Natalie Letisha Sage Green: It was an accident!
Joanna 'Jo' Marie Polniaczek Bonner: It ate the wax right off the floor.
Blair Warner: Well, at least we have another bottle upstairs.
Natalie Letisha Sage Green: Count me out, I feel awful.
Joanna 'Jo' Marie Polniaczek Bonner: Well, you should. You swallowed half a can of pineapple chunks and a jar of maraschino cherries, I got sick just watching you.
Natalie Letisha Sage Green: Well, it tasted good at the time!

Joanna 'Jo' Marie Polniaczek Bonner: I'll get some beer.
Natalie Letisha Sage Green: How will you get beer?
Joanna 'Jo' Marie Polniaczek Bonner: I'll get some beer.

"The Facts of Life: We Get Letters (#7.11)" (1985)
Blair Warner: We're going to put a mime in the window?
Jo Polniaczek: Just a small one.

Andy Moffet: I can only imagine what she's saying.
Jo Polniaczek: Good because your still too young to hear that kind of language.

"The Facts of Life: The Chain Letter (#5.13)" (1983)
Blair Warner: Jo, a black cat isn't bad luck.
Jo Polniaczek: It is when you're on your bike. I swerved so I wouldn't hit it, I sideswiped a trash can and ran into a tree. Do you know how much it costs to get a motorcycle a nose job?

Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Do you girls realize I could lose my business? If I'm lucky he'll just fine me $500.
Jo Polniaczek: Don't worry about the fines, Mrs. G, soon we'll be rolling in money from the chain letters.
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: You girls really believe that?
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: Mr. Stevens is right, you ARE too young to take this seriously.

"The Facts of Life: A Slice of Life (#6.2)" (1984)
Jo Polniaczek: How're the orders coming?
Natalie Green: 9 down, 3 to go, but we ran out of sauce.
Jo Polniaczek: Tootie! How could you run out of sauce?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Do I look Italian?

Natalie Green: That was easy.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: It wasn't easy, but it was fun. Jo, I'm sorry I grated my fingernail into the cheese.
Jo Polniaczek: The important thing is we FOUND it.

"The Facts of Life: Who's on First (#4.20)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: This stock market thing is great! Do people know about this?

Blair Warner: You're not thinking of doing anything silly now are you?
Jo Polniaczek: No, murder is serious buisness.

"The Facts of Life: Green-Eyed Monster (#3.12)" (1982)
Jo Polniaczek: Nice girls don't throw trees!

Edna Garrett: Jo, why don't you audition for a part?
Jo Polniaczek: No way, I'm not gonna get up there and make a fool out of myself.
Blair Warner: But you do it so well!

"The Facts of Life: Working It Out (#6.15)" (1985)
Jo Polniaczek: What did you do to yourself?
Tootie Ramsey: Oh it's my new look, what do you think?
Jo Polniaczek: Keep looking.

Jo Polniaczek: I don't have time to listen to everyone's problems, I gotta pick a career... well on the other hand psychiatrists make barrels of money, so go ahead.

"The Facts of Life: The Americanization of Miko (#3.13)" (1982)
Jo Polniaczek: [Miko has just ruined Jo's bicycle] You're Japanese, how could you do that to a Kawasaki?

Miko: [Miko stole Jo's bike and wrecked it] Jo, you're gonna need some new parts.
Jo Polniaczek: So are you.

"The Facts of Life: The First Time (#9.16)" (1988)
Jo Polniaczek: Sex does weird things to people sometimes.

Tootie Ramsey: Lately things have been so much quieter around here.
Jo Polniaczek: I like to think it's because Blair's out of town.
Tootie Ramsey: Jo, Blair doesn't talk that much.
Jo Polniaczek: No, it's just that her hair is so loud.

"The Facts of Life: What Price Glory? (#5.5)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: Blair would you stop bubbling, I hate when you bubble.

Jo Polniaczek: Tootie, that stuff is imported! Do you know how much it costs a pound?
Edna Garrett: Jo, she's not giving it away.
Jo Polniaczek: Yes she is.
Edna Garrett: Tootie! Do you know how much this stuff costs a pound?

"The Facts of Life: The More the Marrier (#9.7)" (1987)
Blair Warner: I swear I have never met anyone who irrates me so much... other than you.
Jo Polniaczek: I knew there was something I liked about him.

Blair Warner: Tootie, have you learned absolutely nothing from me?
Jo Polniaczek: Knowing where to buy hair bleach doesn't apply here Blair.

"The Facts of Life: The Rich Aren't Different (#6.12)" (1984)
Blair Warner: You broke my watch!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: No I didn't, it's a stopwatch, it stopped!

Judge: Who are you?
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I'm her lawyer. Sort of.
Judge: Lawyers are not allowed in small claims court.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: I'm her friend.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Sort of.

"The Facts of Life: Runaway (#3.18)" (1982)
Blair Warner: How was I supposed to know the woman ahead of us would buy the last 40 tickets?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: She was a nun, Blair, you know they never go anywhere alone.

Blair Warner: [sitting in a grungy coffee shop] Look at the clientele. There's only one man in the whole place wearing a suit.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Oh, you mean the pimp.
Blair Warner: [Blair and Natalie look] He's a pimp? Where's his fur coat and his cigar, and his purple hat?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Maybe it's his first day.
Blair Warner: [about the girls sitting at a table nearby] I suppose you're gonna tell me those are his "pimpettes"?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: You got it.
Natalie Green: [they look again] You mean hookers?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Your basic.
Blair Warner: They can't be!
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Just watch.
Blair Warner: [everything takes place just as she says it] You see him talking and smilin' on the phone there? He's talking to one of his customers. Now he's gonna hang up. Now he's gonna motion to one of his girls. Now she's gonna find out where she has to meet the customer. And there she goes.
Natalie Green: Wow. That's fantastic Jo. Let's get out of here.
Blair Warner: I'm with Natalie.

"The Facts of Life: The Source (#4.2)" (1982)
Natalie Green: I had this, idea, I was going to write this really important story for the school paper, for a change.
Blair Warner: Oh I don't know, I really loved your up close and personal look at the bowling team.
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Or that story on how Peakskill got its name.
Natalie Green: Stories like that are the reason no one reads the 'Eastlander' anymore.
Jo Polniaczek: My biology class never misses an issue: they're great for the hamster cages.

Jo Polniaczek: [on the phone] Well when WILL Mr. Rivera be back from his lunch with the mafia hitman?

"The Facts of Life: Next Door (#5.14)" (1984)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: I know I can fix it.
Blair Warner: Jo, the captain's supposed to go down with the ship, not with the boiler!

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [Jo refuses to evacuate during the gas leak] Mrs. Garrett, I know I can fix the boiler.
Edna Garrett: Jo, I've only said this twice in my life: Once when my husband tried to sell the furniture to pay off his bookie, and now. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I HIT YOU WITH MY FRYING PAN!

"The Facts of Life: The Christmas Show (#5.12)" (1983)
Blair Warner: How do I look?
Jo Polniaczek: Like a giant furball.

Blair Warner: Look, Jo. I had three choices. The cocktail party circuit in Manhattan, a drunken brawl with strangers on the slopes, or being here with you guys. And I decided I wanted to be here.
Jo Polniaczek: [touched] Good choice.

"The Facts of Life: Man in the Attic (#6.21)" (1985)
Blair Warner: You were so interested in getting him in the house, because you and Kevin have a thing going!
Jo Polniaczek: We do not have a thing going. Nothing going. No thing.

Tootie Ramsey: People would start calling us trollops!
Jo Polniaczek: Trollops? Tootie no one says trollops anymore.
Tootie Ramsey: They'd bring it back for us.

"The Facts of Life: Shoplifting (#2.6)" (1980)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [Blair offers to help Jo pick out something for Mrs. Garrett's birthday] Forget it, I got my own money and my own taste.
Blair Warner: That's why I offered.

Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: The store pulled one over on us so we're going to pull one over on them.

"The Facts of Life: New York, New York (#3.19)" (1982)
Jo Polniaczek: I think I just stumbled into a Farrah Fawcett convention.

Blair Warner: How's your friend... Rocky?
Jo Polniaczek: JESSE... she's okay, the same...
Blair Warner: Becker hasn't changed much either.

"The Facts of Life: Seems Like Old Times (#5.23)" (1984)
Blair Warner: I never thought I'd be saying this... you and Eddie have my blessing.
Jo Polniaczek: Blair do you know what this means to me? Nothing.

"The Facts of Life: Best Sister: Part 1 (#4.17)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: I hit you.
Blair Warner: No...
Jo Polniaczek: But I wanna let you know, I'm never gonna do it again.

"The Facts of Life: Sweet Charity (#9.5)" (1987)
Jo Polniaczek: Has anyone ever told you how rude and obnoxtious you are?
Casey Clark: Just about everybody.

"The Facts of Life: Gossip (#2.9)" (1981)
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: [after setting the record straight about Mrs Garrett] Well, that's about it.
Edna Garrett: Tootie...
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Blair, do you know that secret you told Jo about Roger and it was only between the two of you? Well, it was between the three of us.
Blair Warner: [Both Blair and Jo stand up] You sneaky, rotten little blabbermouth!
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah. I got bad rapped on account of you, you little creep! I'll get you for this.
Blair Warner: Not if I get her first!
Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: Gee. They're taking it better than I thought.

"The Facts of Life: Cruisin' (#6.5)" (1984)
Blair Warner: I got whiplash! She gave me whiplash! Jo feel my kneck!
Jo Polniaczek: I don't want to.

"The Facts of Life: The Secret (#2.12)" (1981)
Blair Warner: I took a raw piece of material and created a masterpiece!
Jo Polniaczek: I'd like to tell her what she can do with her chizille.

"The Facts of Life: A Rose by Any Other Age (#9.8)" (1987)
Blair Warner: There's a man downstairs and he's practically ignoring me.
Jo Polniaczek: And they said it couldn't be done.

"The Facts of Life: Gone with the Wind: Part 1 (#6.19)" (1985)
Leon: Hey dollface.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Don't call me that or I'll burn your hair.

"The Facts of Life: Joint Custody (#5.24)" (1984)
Jo Polniaczek: Excuse me, I have to go lighten my ink.

"The Facts of Life: Concentration (#7.18)" (1986)
Jo Polniaczek: I have a journal full of useful inventions, but do I get an award?
Blair Warner: For what?
Jo Polniaczek: Well for one, my magnetic toothpaste cap. It always returns to the tube.
Natalie Green: Why didn't you ever do anything with it?
Jo Polniaczek: It only worked if you were facing North.

"The Facts of Life: Love at First Byte (#6.3)" (1984)
Mrs. Edna Ann Garrett: You can't just leave them in there staring at my microwave.
Jo Polniaczek: No problem. We'll put Natalie in it and let them watch her explode.

"The Facts of Life: Ready or Not (#8.3)" (1986)
Jo Polniaczek: Excuse her, she's new here.

"The Facts of Life: Write and Wrong (#8.11)" (1986)
Beverly Ann Stickle: My point is...
Jo Polniaczek: I thought that was the point!
Beverly Ann Stickle: This is a two part point.

"The Facts of Life: A Thousand Frowns (#9.12)" (1988)
Jo Polniaczek: Do you know that when you shake hands your lips pucker?

"The Facts of Life: Teenage Marriage: Part 2 (#2.8)" (1981)
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [on their wedding night] Eddie, we gotta be careful, I don't wanna get pregnant.

"The Facts of Life: Brave New World: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: Is it legal?
Blair Warner: My father does it all the time!
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah but is it legal?

"The Facts of Life: This Is Only a Test (#8.22)" (1987)
Blair Warner: I have natural ability.
Jo Polniaczek: Sometimes that's not enough.
Blair Warner: It is when your natural ability is being rich.

"The Facts of Life: The Little Chill (#8.6)" (1986)
Beverly Ann Stickle: They're having a fun pajama party upstairs. Why don't you go join them?
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Yeah, well, I gotta get to the library tomorrow morning and they'll probably be up talking the rest of the night. So...
Beverly Ann Stickle: It hurts to be around people who all have fond memories of one another. You don't have any memories of them at all. No yesterdays to share. So all you can do is sit there with a stupid grin on your face 'til it hurts.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [gets slightly offended] I'm not wearing a stupid grin. This is my natural expression.
Beverly Ann Stickle: I was talking about me.

"The Facts of Life: Star at Langley (#5.19)" (1984)
Geri Tyler: I hardly even talked to her, except once, when she asked to borrow my lipstick.
Jo Polniaczek: You see that, she practically stole Geri's lipstick!

"The Facts of Life: The Way We Were: Part 1 (#5.25)" (1984)
Jo Polniaczek: The only thing I hate more than people who talk to cats is poodles.

"The Facts of Life: Starstruck (#3.15)" (1982)
Edna Garrett: We'll have to find, replacements for, Tootie and me.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [Angrily] I don't believe it, I don't believe, you actually letting Tootie, to get away with this!
Blair Warner: I didn't realize, all someone had to do, to get their way is, to throw a tantrum.
Natalie Green: Me neither, I've got to work on my, kicking and screaming.
Edna Garrett: This wasn't a tantrum, girls.
Blair Warner: All I know, is that I turned down a fabulous date to be here,tonight. We all have, better offers, well...
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: [Cuts Blair off] Don't, say it!
Blair Warner: The point is, we promised we'd be here, and we're here.
Edna Garrett: You're absolutely right, Blair. We all, committed ourselves, to this fair and, we all should honor it.
Natalie Green: [Concerned] And, why are you, letting Tootie go to the concert?
Edna Garrett: Because,I just don't know, what else to do.
Natalie Green: You don't know, what to do?
Natalie Green: Mrs. "always a snappy answer" Garrett doesn't know, what to do?
Edna Garrett: Girls, you didn't see her. She was, hysterical. Oh, she was gonna get to that concert, if she had to jump out of the window, and run all the way, to the city.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Come on, Mrs. Garrett, not Tootie.
Edna Garrett: That's right. Not, our Tootie. But right now, she's not our Tootie. She's become...
Blair Warner: [Completes Mrs. Garrett's sentence about Tootie] Fanatic. Well, that's what the word fan, comes from. My mother, told me that, when I threaten to leave home for, King Hussein.
[chuckles and mumbles]
Natalie Green: Mrs. Garrett, there is nothing wrong, with a little healthy idol worship. Didn't you ever freak over, anyone.
Edna Garrett: Sure, I swooned over Frank Sinatra. But, this is something else. I remember, these films people crying and screaming, over The Beatles. They were all in such a... frenzy.It scared me. Well, that's the way I felt, just now, with Tootie
Blair Warner: Do you think, taking Tootie to the concert's, gonna help?
Edna Garrett: At this point, it's the only thing I can do.

"The Facts of Life: Me and Eleanor (#6.14)" (1985)
Andy Moffet: May I compliment you on your hand writing?
Jo Polniaczek: You may, but it's not gonna get you the job.

"The Facts of Life: A House Divided (#9.15)" (1988)
Blair Warner: Hi Jo, how's your cold?
Jo Polniaczek: Back off Blair, I'm even less in the mood for you today than usual.

"The Facts of Life: Crossing the Line (#5.15)" (1984)
Jo Polniaczek: There are a lot of narrow minded people out there. Where I come from, black and white couples have a habit of winding up black and blue.
Blair Warner: There are a lot of narrow minded people in this room too.
Jo Polniaczek: Don't you give me that, YOUR mother belongs to a restricted country club!
Blair Warner: It is NOT restricted... anymore.

"The Facts of Life: Dearest Mommie (#4.6)" (1982)
Blair Warner: One week Polniaczek... and I'll be able to do anything you can do!
Jo Polniaczek: You're on! I like watching you make a fool of yourself.

"The Facts of Life: All by Herself (#5.22)" (1984)
Jo Polniaczek: It looks like the rose parade in here.

"The Facts of Life: The Second Time Around (#5.11)" (1983)
Blair Warner: Jo, what your feeling is perfectly normal.
Jo Polniaczek: Don't you tell me i'm normal!

"The Facts of Life: Gamma Gamma or Bust (#5.3)" (1983)
Jo Polniaczek: Oh really, what's up Warnzy?

"The Facts of Life: A Baby in the House (#3.3)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: Life's a bummer. You wake up and you got a mom. The next day you're on your own.

"The Facts of Life: A New Life (#7.6)" (1985)
Blair Warner: I don't know if I should call him or go to Alaska.
Jo Polniaczek: Go to Alaska.
Blair Warner: You don't even know what my problem is.
Jo Polniaczek: Does it matter?

"The Facts of Life: Who Am I? (#2.4)" (1980)
Tootie Ramsey: In case you haven't noticed, I'm black.
Jo Polniaczek: You're kidding.
Blair Warner: We thought you were Suzanne Somers.

"The Facts of Life: Post-Christmas Card (#8.14)" (1987)
Natalie Green: The saleslady assured me this outfit makes me look crisp.
Jo Polniaczek: That's great... if you're a potato chip.

"The Facts of Life: Sweet Sorrow (#3.7)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: We laughed and we had a great time... it was terrible.

"The Facts of Life: Fast Food (#8.9)" (1986)
Blair Warner: Jo, you're not suggesting I stick the Warner hands in refried beans are you?
Jo Polniaczek: I'm suggesting you stick them in something if you want to graduate.

"The Facts of Life: Younger Than Springtime (#8.21)" (1987)
Jo Polniaczek: [to Blair] My dad is very polite. Even when he doesn't like somebody he never shows it. Just look at how nice he treats you.

"The Facts of Life: Sex Symbol (#2.11)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: People are dragging your name through the gutter. I think I'm gonna have to hit somebody.
Natalie Green: Who asked you to defend my honor?
Jo Polniaczek: I think I'm gonna have to hit you!

"The Facts of Life: Men for All Seasons (#7.5)" (1985)
Blair Warner: You know what I find attractive?
Jo Polniaczek: Someone who tells you you're gorgeous.
Blair Warner: Don't be ridiculous, they all tell me that!

"The Facts of Life: Grand Opening (#7.3)" (1985)
Tootie Ramsey: I think that guy is a shoplifter.
Blair Warner: Jo, is he a shoplifter?
Jo Polniaczek: How should I know?

"The Facts of Life: The Four Musketeers (#3.16)" (1982)
Jo Polniaczek: Would you stop doing that?
Blair Warner: What?
Jo Polniaczek: Sighing.
Blair Warner: I don't sigh.
Jo Polniaczek: Well if it isn't a sigh, you've got a slow leak!

"The Facts of Life: Where's Poppa? (#8.10)" (1986)
Beverly Ann Stickle: Did you get the job?
Natalie Green: I drove all the way down to that newspaper and do you know what they wanted me to do, they wanted me to write a story!
Jo Polniaczek: you're kidding, then what were they gonna do, print it?

"The Facts of Life: September Song (#4.11)" (1982)
Blair Warner: My whole body is screaming!
Jo Polniaczek: And sweating.
Blair Warner: I don't sweat... I glisten!
Jo Polniaczek: Well you're glistening like a pig!

"The Facts of Life: The New Girl: Part 1 (#2.1)" (1980)
Blair Warner: [insulting Jo's clothes] She must think we're into nostalgia, she's still wearing flared jeans.
Joanne 'Jo' Polniaczek: Uh in a minute you're gonna be wearing flared teeth!

"The Facts of Life: Teenage Marriage: Part 1 (#2.7)" (1981)
Jo Polniaczek: Juliet was only fifteen when she married Romeo.
Blair Warner: Yes. And they had a great wedding night, they both died.
Jo Polniaczek: Yeah, well otherwise their marriage would of worked out great.