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: I'm going to this party at Jerry's, and it's BYOB, you know what that means? Philip Drummond
: Sure, it means hand me that bottle. Willis Jackson
: But Dad... Philip Drummond
: HAND-me-that-bottle. Willis Jackson
: I didn't even have to tell you, I could've just done it and you would've never found out. Philip Drummond
: Right, but you're too honest for that.
: What about your party? You're gonna be late. Philip Drummond
: It can wait, it's only a charity affair, that chicken can't get any colder than it is.
: What's everybody doing up? Kimberly Drummond
: Can't you guess? We're modeling sleepwear.
: I only had a couple drinks. Arnold Jackson
: From the looks of your eyeballs they must've been Bloody Marys.
: I love Dad but he's just impossible to live with. Arnold Jackson
: So are you, but I do it!
: I was just on my way to ballet class and I thought I'd come by and see your place. Willis Jackson
: Well this is it, what do you think? Kimberly Drummond
: It has possibilities. Clean it up a little, you can use it for the city dump.
: Jerry and I were in this really bad car accident. I was lucky I just came out with a few scratches. Philip Drummond
: Are you sure? Willis Jackson
: Yeah I'm fine. Philip Drummond
: Well thank God you're alright, how'd you get home? Willis Jackson
: The police brought me. Philip Drummond
: Well come on sit down over here. Now tell me what happened. Willis Jackson
: We were leaving this bar, and I guess Jerry had a few too many. And he ran this red light and this big truck, I didn't see it coming, it just plowed right into us. Arnold Jackson
: How's Jerry? Willis Jackson
: He's real bad, he's in a coma. They wouldn't let me see him, the doctors said there's nothing I can do and to go home. This is my home, isn't it? Dad, I want to come back, can I? Philip Drummond
: Of course, son.
: [Setting out to search for the dog
] Me and Arnold will be a team. Arnold Jackson
: Right. I'll be B.J., you be the Bear.
: I'm looking up 'rabies' in the encyclopedia. Rabies, rabies... Ah, here it is! "Rabies: The official leader of a Jewish congregation." Getting rabies makes you Jewish? Willis Jackson
: Let me see that. That's not "Rabies," that's "Rabbis"! Here it is, "Rabies: An acute virus." Arnold Jackson
: I don't care how cute it is, I don't want it!
: If we don't find that dog you're gonna get a LOT of shots. Arnold Jackson
: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? Willis Jackson
: I'm talking about Dr. Padning giving you twenty shots. Arnold Jackson
: Twenty! There'll be more holes in my butt than in a golf course! Willis Jackson
: It won't be in your butt, Arnold. It'll be in your stomach. Arnold Jackson
: In my stomach? All the food will leak out! Willis Jackson
: Well, Arnold, the shots won't be that bad. They probably won't even hurt. Arnold Jackson
: Willis, you're pretty brave with my belly. Willis Jackson
: C'mon, Arnold, you can handle it. Arnold Jackson
: Oh, no, Willis, I ain't goin'. I'll be too busy looking for a dog. Willis Jackson
: You mean the one that bit you? Arnold Jackson
: No, Greyhound. I'm hoppin' a bus and leavin' town!
: [after seeing Arnold's black eye from fighting with "The Gooch"
] Arnold, I want to know. Did you go down there to talk or didn't you? Willis Jackson
: All right, Mr. Drummond. Arnold went down there to talk with his fists. Arnold Jackson
: And my fists had NOTHING to say!
: [Arnold refuses to fight the school bully
] Alright, Arnold. Then I'll just tell Mr. Drummond what a coward you are. He'll talk some sense into you. Think he wants a coward for a son? Arnold Jackson
: Awww Willis, please don't say anything to him. Willis Jackson
: Well, somebody's gotta make a man outta you. Arnold Jackson
: What's the rush? I'm barely outta toilet-training.
: [Arnold has just dropped a water bomb from the balcony
] See ya later! Arnold Jackson
: Where ya goin'? Willis Jackson
: Where you ain't! I don't wanna be around when they lay the charge on you. Arnold Jackson
: What charge? Arnold Jackson
: Assault with a wet weapon!
: Arnold, didn't I teach you how to fight? Last year you were dancing around like Muhammad Ali. Arnold Jackson
: Yeah, but I was boxing like Howard Cosell!
: Come on, Dad, what's on your mind? It's about that fight with Arnold and Maggie, isn't it? Philip Drummond
: Maggie's no problem, she's an adult, we've had a lot of disagreements together. But Arnold has me worried, I've never seen him so upset. Willis Jackson
: I've never seen you so upset, not even when we painted your bathtub our school colors. Philip Drummond
: Thanks for the memory.
: You can't do this to me. The election's only three weeks away, what'll I do for a candidate? Philip Drummond
: Oh that'll be easy. You just find this Jewish fellow married to an Italian wife, and they adopt a couple of Puerto Rican and Chinese kids and just happen to have an elderly black housekeeper with an Irish boyfriend.
[Adelaide and the kids come out and cheer him on
] Willis Jackson
: That's telling him, Dad. Adelaide Brubaker
: I heard that over the hill remark, sonny!
: [meeting the boys for the first time
] Welcome, Gentlemen! Willis Jackson
: [confused, looking behind them
] You talking to US? Philip Drummond
: Of course. Arnold Jackson
: How 'bout that, Willis? Downtown 2 minutes and already we're gentlemen.
: Hey Dad, what a spread: quiche, steak, lobster, pork chops... Philip Drummond
: I still don't know how Mr. T got it all into one sandwich.