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: I'm going to the meeting of the League for Social Responsibility. Mr. Lopez
: Oh really? Arnold Jackson
: Yeah, they're my main man. Mr. Lopez
: Since when? Arnold Jackson
: Since, as long as I can remember. Charlie
: Probably even longer. Mr. Lopez
: Arnold, you realize of course the League does have very strong racial positions. Arnold Jackson
: Racial, yeah I know, hey I'm even thinking about joining the Brothers. Mr. Lopez
: Is that so? Arnold Jackson
: Yeah, right on! Mr. Lopez
: Arnold, they hate black people.
: Yeah but guys, you can only fling a tomato so far. What else can we use to bean these bigots? Dudley Ramsey
: Hey, my mother's got a zucchini that's been in our fridge so long it walked from one shelf to the other. Arnold Jackson
: Hey that's perfect! Now a zucchini is perfect, you can use it like a dart, it's perfect for distance and accuracy. Sam McKinney
: But you gotta be careful with zucchinis, if they're too gushy they'll come apart in your hand, and if they're not rotten enough they won't squash when you hit a girl. Then she'll have a chance to throw it back at you. Arnold Jackson
: Exactly, now Sam if you were going throwing fruit, uh at girls, what would you use? Sam McKinney
: Well, my friends prefer cantaloupes, seasonal but effective. They maintain their trajectory and when they hit they go PWEW all over the place.
: Dad, have you heard about the League for Social Responsibility? Philip Drummond
: The hate group? Arnold Jackson
: Yeah, well they hate black people and other minorities. Philip Drummond
: Isn't that league having a rally... oh yes, now I understand the reference to flying fruit. Dudley Ramsey
: Flying rotten fruit. Arnold Jackson
: Yeah we're gonna shut them down, it's gonna be great.
: Dad, how am I supposed to disrupt the meeting? Philip Drummond
: You're not! Arnold Jackson
: Why not? You know these people are planning to ship blacks out of the country, or worse? Philip Drummond
: Look, I know this bunch is despicable, but the Constitution guarantees their right to speak. That's part of the First Amendment, that's what makes America so special. Arnold Jackson
: First Amendment, they don't believe in that First Amendment or any of the others. Philip Drummond
: That doesn't matter, if we're allowed to take away their rights, what's to stop another group from coming along and taking away ours? They have a right to speak. Arnold Jackson
: But they hate me just because of the color of my skin!
: Now Arnold, I'm telling you as your father... Arnold Jackson
: My father would be out there throwing fruit with me and wouldn't bother taking it out of the can! Philip Drummond
] Arnold... Arnold Jackson
: I don't have to listen to you, you're not my real father anyway.
Maggie McKinney Drummond
: Arnold, this does not require a whole lot of talking, throwing fruit is dead wrong. Arnold Jackson
: Big surprise, Mrs. Drummond is siding with Mr. Drummond. Maggie McKinney Drummond
: Arnold, come here. Listen, if it were me, I'd raise such a ruckus that the League would be sorry they ever set foot in this town, and let me tell you if there's anything you can do short of holding up the bigots and... Philip Drummond
: Maggie, hold it! What're you saying? Arnold Jackson
: Dad, let her finish!
: Look, this has to do with prejudice, you know people of different races and different colors not getting along. Sam McKinney
: But the blacks and whites and all the other colors in my class all get along, and you and me get along, and that's not easy with your personality. Arnold Jackson
: Sam, the rest of the world is not like you or me or your class. There're people out there who hate you just because of the color of your skin. Sam McKinney
: Yeah the teacher talked to us about that the other day, it didn't make too much sense. Arnold Jackson
: Alright, what if they said little redheaded kids with freckles couldn't eat in the cafeteria anymore? Sam McKinney
: That'd be fine with me, Hamburger Hangar has much better food. Arnold Jackson
: Alright, what if you went there and they said you couldn't go in there either? Sam McKinney
: I'd go there anyway. Arnold Jackson
: What if there were 6 big bullies with baseball bats there waiting to tell you to go somewhere else? Sam McKinney
: But they can't do that! I'm allowed to eat there so long as I don't spoil my appetite for dinner. Did you say six bullies?
: [about his travel agent
] Arnold, you know Mrs. Gordon, she's helping us decide between Paris and Nashville. Arnold Jackson
: Any place in Japan is fine with me.
: I can't go on a vacation with Dad right now. Sam McKinney
: But Arnold, who am I going to terrorize bell captains with? And who's going to help me get kicked out of museums?
: What kind of a family are we going to be if we can't hang around each other anymore? Arnold Jackson
: Ah, don't worry about that, Sam, no matter what happens, this family will always stick together. Who else would want us?
: Arnold you don't have to be a mindreader to realize I don't approve of what you're planning to do. Arnold Jackson
: Well what about the League is planning to do? They're sleazeballs! Philip Drummond
: Sleazeballs definitely, but that doesn't give you the right to throw fruit at them to keep them from speaking. Arnold Jackson
: You're right, vegetables are better.
: Rumor has it that the old man's ghost still walks the old house. Arnold Jackson
: Oh come on, Mr. Owens, there're no such things as ghosts. C.W.
: Right, no ghosts, that's what I thought, until that night, when these eyes saw something, and they haven't been the same since! Well, it was one stormy night, I was walking my dog, Rotunda, by the old Markwell place, he saw something down by the cellar and he chased it. Well, we glanced in, worst thing I ever did, I came face to face with the ghost of Clarence MARKWELL!
] You're all doomed! Sam McKinney
: Arnold, are you a ventriloquist? Arnold Jackson
: No. Sam McKinney
: Then I hope he's talking about you! Clarence Maxwell
: I am!
: [hears creaking
] Don't worry, it's just the house settling. Sam McKinney
: I hope it settles for a turkey leg instead of a redhead.
: [after a green ghost explodes on them
] Ugh, I've been slimed!
: Ouch! Arnold Jackson
: Ouch? Ghosts don't go ouch! Clarence Maxwell
: No but people do!
: How do you make friends with a ghost? Introduce him to a sheet?
: Arnold, the turkey leg's gone! Arnold Jackson
: Dad! Maggie! Oh how come there's never a parent around when you need one?
: I've heard about your wonderful inventions, Mr. Markwell, it's really a pleasure to meet you. And all these years everyone thought you were gone. Arnold Jackson
: Why did you pretend you were dead? Clarence Maxwell
: I wanted to help people, instead it just seemed that everything I made ended up being used for war, and not helping mankind at all.
: I don't want anybody hanging around the actors and bugging them for autographs, that's my job!
: Wow, your cousin is a knockout! Dudley Ramsey
: She is? It's hard to tell when you're related.
: [looking at his Mohawk in the mirror
] Oh they're right, I look ridiculous, like a porcupine died on my head.
: [knocks and enters Arnold's bedroom
] Can I come in, Little T? Arnold Jackson
: Sure, Big T. Mr. T
: I thought we might have a little talk, you know, like head to head.
: I'm really flattered that you tried to look like me to impress that girl. Arnold Jackson
: I even glued some hair onto my chest.
[pulls his shirt open
] Mr. T
: Wow, that's more than what I got!
: If you want to get somewhere in life, or with a girl, you can't go around copying someone else. You've got to be your own original. Arnold Jackson
: That's easy for you to say, you've got a lot more to work with. You're like a mountain, I'm more like a speed bump.
: I never met anybody like you before in the world, man you outrageous. Arnold Jackson
: You really think so? Mr. T
: Definitely, so just be yourself. But remember though, you can't force girls into liking you, of course I can, but that's another story. Arnold Jackson
: Then what should I do? Mr. T
: Do? Man don't do anything, if a girl don't like you
] Mr. T
: that's her loss, but I'm sure you'll find plenty that will. Arnold Jackson
: You really think so? Mr. T
: Hey, I'm positive. So you just be yourself, play it cool, and let the chicks fall where they may.
: Now you come on downstairs and watch me film this scene. I'm gonna stomp on this guy, I'm gonna mash his head to the carpet, I'm gonna break off his legs. Arnold Jackson
: You're gonna do all that? Mr. T
: Yeah we're doing something new on The A-Team, less action and more heart.
: Arnold! Arnold! There's still time to save the bunk beds! Arnold Jackson
: Now Sam, don't start that again. You know Maggie has to redecorate our room too! Sam McKinney
: I know, Arnold, but with your mouth you can talk her into keeping the bunk beds. They're easy, you can jump out of them like paratrooper or climb up them like a fireman, and... Arnold Jackson
: Or when you get out of them, you could step all over my face.
: Sam, giving up bunk beds is part of growing up. Sam McKinney
: They have them in the army. Arnold Jackson
: So go enlist, they could use a redheaded target!
: Arnold, you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Arnold Jackson
: I can't help it, Dad. Philip Drummond
: Well we all feel guilty, I keep wondering what if I had never let Sam go out in the street alone? What if I'd told him to scream if he ever got in a jam? What if? What if? What if? None of it's going to help, Arnold.
: This is a nice table, Pearl, but it's not an antique. Pearl Gallagher
: How can you tell? Arnold Jackson
: There's no gum under it.
: Excuse me. Sally Winkle
: I'm sorry about the potato chip display, it fell prey to a four foot twin pack terror. Arnold Jackson
: Sam! Philip Drummond
: The little redheaded boy? Arnold Jackson
: Floppy haircut? Super cute? Sally Winkle
: They're not cute when they attack my chips, but that is the culprit.
: [on the phone
] Hi Arnold, it's me, Sam! Arnold Jackson
: Sam! Where are you? Sam McKinney
: I don't know. Arnold Jackson
: Uh, well are you okay? Sam McKinney
: I'm scared, Arnold, I can't stay on the phone very long. Arnold Jackson
: Alright Sam, just stay calm. Dad! Dad! Sam, listen, what's the number on the phone? Sam McKinney
: Area code 914-555-6411, Arnold I've gotta go!
: [about Sam
] Look, he's overdue at home. Did you see which way he went? Sally Winkle
: Yeah, he left with his father. Arnold Jackson
: Huh? Philip Drummond
: What? Sally Winkle
: Yeah. Philip Drummond
: That's impossible. His father lives in Nashville.
[takes out a picture
] Philip Drummond
: Is this the boy? Sally Winkle
: That's the kid alright. Philip Drummond
: Oh my God. Arnold this is terrible.
: What is it, Arnold? Arnold Jackson
: I just had Sam on the phone, he gave me this phone number! Philip Drummond
: What? Officer Fernandez
: Good work, Arnold, you handled that like a real pro. Come on, Mr. Drummond, we'll get Harris to trace this number.
: I only had a couple drinks. Arnold Jackson
: From the looks of your eyeballs they must've been Bloody Marys.
: I love Dad but he's just impossible to live with. Arnold Jackson
: So are you, but I do it!
: What do you think of our place, Arnold? Arnold Jackson
: No self respecting cockroach would live here.
: How is he? Arnold Jackson
: Well, kinda hard to tell with Willis, his face always looks like he has his shorts on backwards.
: Jerry and I were in this really bad car accident. I was lucky I just came out with a few scratches. Philip Drummond
: Are you sure? Willis Jackson
: Yeah I'm fine. Philip Drummond
: Well thank God you're alright, how'd you get home? Willis Jackson
: The police brought me. Philip Drummond
: Well come on sit down over here. Now tell me what happened. Willis Jackson
: We were leaving this bar, and I guess Jerry had a few too many. And he ran this red light and this big truck, I didn't see it coming, it just plowed right into us. Arnold Jackson
: How's Jerry? Willis Jackson
: He's real bad, he's in a coma. They wouldn't let me see him, the doctors said there's nothing I can do and to go home. This is my home, isn't it? Dad, I want to come back, can I? Philip Drummond
: Of course, son.
: Arnold, didn't I teach you how to fight? Last year you were dancing around like Muhammad Ali. Arnold Jackson
: Yeah, but I was boxing like Howard Cosell!
: Here in our school, Mr. Drummond, we teach Korean karate, tae-kwon-do. That means the art of hand and foot. Arnold Jackson
: Too bad you don't teach the art of hit and run!
: Man, I dig being a little kid with a big reputation!
: [Setting out to search for the dog
] Me and Arnold will be a team. Arnold Jackson
: Right. I'll be B.J., you be the Bear.
: I'm looking up 'rabies' in the encyclopedia. Rabies, rabies... Ah, here it is! "Rabies: The official leader of a Jewish congregation." Getting rabies makes you Jewish? Willis Jackson
: Let me see that. That's not "Rabies," that's "Rabbis"! Here it is, "Rabies: An acute virus." Arnold Jackson
: I don't care how cute it is, I don't want it!
: If we don't find that dog you're gonna get a LOT of shots. Arnold Jackson
: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? Willis Jackson
: I'm talking about Dr. Padning giving you twenty shots. Arnold Jackson
: Twenty! There'll be more holes in my butt than in a golf course! Willis Jackson
: It won't be in your butt, Arnold. It'll be in your stomach. Arnold Jackson
: In my stomach? All the food will leak out! Willis Jackson
: Well, Arnold, the shots won't be that bad. They probably won't even hurt. Arnold Jackson
: Willis, you're pretty brave with my belly. Willis Jackson
: C'mon, Arnold, you can handle it. Arnold Jackson
: Oh, no, Willis, I ain't goin'. I'll be too busy looking for a dog. Willis Jackson
: You mean the one that bit you? Arnold Jackson
: No, Greyhound. I'm hoppin' a bus and leavin' town!
: [Arnold has just dropped a water bomb from the balcony
] See ya later! Arnold Jackson
: Where ya goin'? Willis Jackson
: Where you ain't! I don't wanna be around when they lay the charge on you. Arnold Jackson
: What charge? Arnold Jackson
: Assault with a wet weapon!
: [punishing Arnold
] Arnold, I'm afraid there's just one solution. This calls for a spanking. Arnold Jackson
: A spanking? There ain't enough for me to spank.
: [meeting the boys for the first time
] Welcome, Gentlemen! Willis Jackson
: [confused, looking behind them
] You talking to US? Philip Drummond
: Of course. Arnold Jackson
: How 'bout that, Willis? Downtown 2 minutes and already we're gentlemen.
: Not one word from you, Arnold. NOT ONE WORD! Arnold Jackson
: Does this count as a "word"?
[blows him a raspberry
: [after seeing Arnold's black eye from fighting with "The Gooch"
] Arnold, I want to know. Did you go down there to talk or didn't you? Willis Jackson
: All right, Mr. Drummond. Arnold went down there to talk with his fists. Arnold Jackson
: And my fists had NOTHING to say!
: [Arnold refuses to fight the school bully
] Alright, Arnold. Then I'll just tell Mr. Drummond what a coward you are. He'll talk some sense into you. Think he wants a coward for a son? Arnold Jackson
: Awww Willis, please don't say anything to him. Willis Jackson
: Well, somebody's gotta make a man outta you. Arnold Jackson
: What's the rush? I'm barely outta toilet-training.
: Ahh, poor Willis. How could they turn down a guy as great as Willis thinks he is?
: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Muhammed Arnold, the champ, that's me!
: We'll vote for you next year. Kimberly Drummond
: Arnold, we're not old enough to vote. Arnold Jackson
: Oh yeah? If you put all our ages together we're old enough to vote, have a beer, and see a dirty movie.
: Gladys Knight, eat your Pips out!