Josh Nichols
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Quotes for
Josh Nichols (Character)
from "Drake & Josh" (2004)

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"Drake & Josh: Foam Finger (#3.9)" (2005)
Audrey Parker-Nichols: So how was school?
Drake Parker: You're the worst!
Josh Nichols: You sicken me!
Audrey Parker-Nichols: I see
Josh Nichols: I hope you go bald!
Drake Parker: I hope they cancel Oprah!
Josh Nichols: Take that back!

Drake Parker: Are you calling me a liar?
Josh Nichols: I aint' calling you a truther!

Drake Parker: [Drake and Josh are imagining what they're going to be like when they're 80. Josh is upset that Drake got the oatmeal] Over my dead body!
Josh Nichols: Fine. I could wait five minutes!

Josh Nichols: I was chased by a wiener dog for eight blocks.
Drake Parker: Who runs from a wiener dog?

Drake Parker: You calling me a liar?
Josh Nichols: Well, I ain't callin' you a truth-er!

Josh Nichols: You wanna tussle?

Josh Nichols: I hope you go bald!
Drake Parker: I hope they cancel Oprah!
Josh Nichols: Take that back!

Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh (2008) (TV)
Josh Nichols: I bruise like a summer peach.

Drake Parker: So, we're screwed?
Josh Nichols: Naw

Josh Nichols: I love how glass sounds when you knock on it.

Josh Nichols: You lie, I take a shoe to the nipple.

Josh Nichols: Never put your finger in me again!

"Drake & Josh: Little Diva (#2.7)" (2004)
[Megan has put a bucket full of water over Drake and Josh's bedroom door, and it falls on Ashley Blake]
Josh Nichols: Megan! Why was there a bucket on top of our door?
Megan Parker: Why was your door under my bucket?

Drake Parker: Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche...
Josh Nichols: Who's Ethan LaRoche?
Drake Parker: I don't know, but he's gonna be there!
Josh Nichols: Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche!
Drake Parker: Who's that?
Josh Nichols: I don't know!

Josh Nichols: [talking about Ashley Blake] So then I got her gummy bears, but she doesn't like the green kind so Ihad to take those out then she suggested i do some push ups!
Drake Parker: That's ridiculous...
Josh Nichols: I know!
Drake Parker: ...who doesn't like green gummy bears?
[Josh just glares at Drake]

Helen: You!
Josh Nichols: Me?
Helen: That's your name, id'nit?

Josh Nichols: Pinch me!
Drake Parker: I'm not pinching any part of you.

"Drake & Josh: Helen's Surgery (#3.7)" (2005)
Josh Nichols: Uh, excuse me Helen, I have to talk to Drake about our homework.
Drake Parker: I don't do homework.

Drake Parker: Not just any candy. These are Super Power Mega Sours. The hottest and the sourest candy in the galaxy.
[takes out one]
Drake Parker: And there it is.
Josh Nichols: Pretty big day for you isn't it?
Drake Parker: The biggest!
[puts the candy in his mouth]
Josh Nichols: So how is it?
Drake Parker: It's pretty sour and it's pretty hot, I just expected it to be more
[makes sour face]
Drake Parker: OH MY GOD! OH it hurts! Oh my tongue!
[runs in circles around kitchen]
Josh Nichols: So spit it out!
Drake Parker: No! I wuv it!

Josh Nichols: Drake?
Drake Parker: Yeah?
Josh Nichols: You just met her and you're already kissing?
Drake Parker: I gave her a soda.

Josh Nichols: Oh, I lost my sightless, loopy boss!

Drake Parker: Man, Helen, this place must have cost you like, a billion dollars.
Josh Nichols: Yeah, how do you afford all this?
Helen: Is that some of your business?
Drake Parker: How do you afford it?
Helen: Well, I'll tell you, Drake...

"Drake & Josh: Football (#2.4)" (2004)
Drake Parker: What happened to you?
Josh Nichols: Football happened to me. I got pummeled, slugged, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle.
Drake Parker: Well, I'm sorry you didn't make the team.
Josh Nichols: Oh, no, I made the team.
[holds up a jersey]
Josh Nichols: You are looking at Belleview High's brand-new E-QUIPMENT MANA-GER!
[Drake stares at Josh, incredulous]

[Josh, trying to look cool, leans against a freshly painted wall]
Drake Parker: Uh, Josh?
[Josh looks at his back, which has white paint all over it]
Josh Nichols: How about painting on the weekends?

Drake Parker: I really like music.
Josh Nichols: I really like cheese.
Drake Parker: If I had to live on an island and only take 1,000 things with me, I'd take this stereo, these headphones, and 997 CD's. And a girl.
Josh Nichols: You might think all cheese is the same, but there are different kinds. You got your American, Gouda, Feta...
Drake Parker: There's all sorts of kinds of music. Pop, Hip-hop, Jazz...
Josh Nichols: And my personal favorite...
Drake Parker: And my favorite, Rock 'n' Roll.
Josh Nichols: ...Cheddar
Drake Parker: Josh doesn't like music as much as I do.
Josh Nichols: Drake doesn't care for cheese as much as I do.
Drake Parker, Josh Nichols: [in unison] Oh, well. His loss.
Drake Parker: Ahh, Music.
Josh Nichols: Ahh, Cheese.

[Josh is trying to learn how to play football by playng a video game]
Josh Nichols: Left! No, right! Pass! Not the sack! Not the sack!
Video game: Uh! The sack!

"Drake & Josh: Dune Buggy (#1.2)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: [to the TV] I drink root beer. You don't see me exploding!

Audrey Parker-Nichols: Josh, hey what's going on with Drake?
Walter Nichols: Yeah, he's been acting pretty weird.
Audrey Parker-Nichols: [a beat] Is he okay?
Josh Nichols: Um, yeah. He's fine. He's just a little...
Drake Parker: [comes from the hall] No, he's not okay. I'm kind of banged up.
Audrey Parker-Nichols: [scoldingly]
[to Walter]
Audrey Parker-Nichols: You hurt him wrestling!
Walter Nichols: [excited] I did?
Drake Parker: It-it wasn't wrestling. It was a car accident.
Audrey Parker-Nichols: [suddenly concerned] Car accident?
Josh Nichols: [to Megan]
Josh Nichols: He's gonna get it now!
Drake Parker: Actually, it was a-a dune buggy accident.
Walter Nichols: Are you okay?
Drake Parker: Well, the doctor sai...
Audrey Parker-Nichols: [interrupting] Wait! What doctor?
Drake Parker: I kinda went to the emergency room and got X-rayed and stuff.
Josh Nichols: [more eager than before] Here it comes!
Audrey Parker-Nichols: [pitifully] My poor baby!
Josh Nichols: [deadpan] Huh?
Audrey Parker-Nichols: Just look at you. You can barely stand.
[grabs a chair, Walter helps Drake sit down]
Drake Parker: [wincing] Ah! Ah! Easy! Ah! Easy! You guys, I'm really sorry I disobeyed you. I shouldn't have.
Josh Nichols: [to Megan] NOW he get's it.
Audrey Parker-Nichols: [rounding on Josh] Josh. Did you know about this?
Josh Nichols: Well-yeah-yeah I knew...
Audrey Parker-Nichols: You still made your father wrestle him?
Walter Nichols: When you knew Drake was hurt?

Drake Parker: [phone rings] Hello? Trevor, hey, where are you?
Josh Nichols: Who is it?
Drake Parker: Scotty's brother.
Josh Nichols: Where is he?
Drake Parker: You're lost?
Josh Nichols: Lost?
Drake Parker: Okay, okay, well me where you are right now? Well, look around and tell me what you see.
Drake Parker: Mm-hmm.
[rolls his eyes]
Drake Parker: Mm-hmm.
[opens the door]
Trevor: ...and I see some bushes, and a tree and a dog. A boy dog. And I see you.
Drake Parker: You're here.

Drake Parker: What are you smiling about?
Josh Nichols: The great Drake, grounded, for two weeks. I love it!
Drake Parker: Yeah? Me too.
Josh Nichols: Eh?
Drake Parker: 2 weeks, layin' in bed, no school, playin' a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizza's. Yeah, bein' grounded is baad.

"Drake & Josh: The Gary Grill (#2.12)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: Helen's been on my butt to sell more snacks.
Drake Parker: You know,you really shouldn't use "butt" and "snacks" in the same sentence.

Drake Parker: Let's see, the grills are about 40 bucks, right? So if we make 20%, that's...
[tracing in mid-air]
Drake Parker: Eighty dollars a grill!
Josh Nichols: No, move your decimal.
Drake Parker: Oh, right.
[traces in the air again]
Drake Parker: $8,000 a grill!
Josh Nichols: [cutting him off] Eight dollars a grill!

Josh Nichols: [Gary Coleman takes all Drake and Josh's new stuff because they spent all his money] Wait, can we at least keep the chair?
Gary Coleman: Did you sit in it?
Josh Nichols: Yeah.
Gary Coleman: Keep it!

Josh Nichols: [whispers to Drake] At least he forgot about the hockey table!
Gary Coleman: [talking to the mover] And I want the hockey table...

"Drake & Josh: Alien Invasion (#3.16)" (2006)
Josh Nichols: We need to show Megan something scary in her telescope.
Drake Parker: Dad's butt?
Josh Nichols: Scarier
Drake Parker: Wow!

Josh Nichols: [after Drake has spoke French to try to scare Megan. Josh covers the microphone] We're suppose to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS!
Drake Parker: You know, there is a way to correct people nicely.

Drake Parker: Why did they name a radio after ham?
Josh Nichols: I don't know.
Drake Parker: I like ham.
Josh Nichols: Who doesn't?

"Drake & Josh: Sheep Thrills (#3.11)" (2005)

Mr. Nichols: Why are there two sheep in your room?
Josh Nichols: OK like techaniclly the little one's called a lamb.

Drake Parker: Only one more day and we're not grounded anymore! Dude, do you know what it's like to go two weeks without girls?
Josh Nichols: [sadly] Yes... Yes, I do.
Drake Parker: Oh, right. Sorry.

"Drake & Josh: The Wedding (#4.3)" (2006)
Leslie the tow truck driver: [after Drake repeatedly makes fun of his name] Okay, uh... I'll tell you what. You can rot in a sack for all I care. Goodbye.
[Starts walking back to his truck]
Josh Nichols: [Gets down on his knees] No wait! Please don't go!
Leslie the tow truck driver: [Without turning around] ROT IN A SACK!
[gets in his tow truck and drives off]

Drake Parker: Here, let me see if I can fix the engine
Josh Nichols: You can't fix a sandwich!
Drake Parker: If you make fun of me one more time, I'll tell everyone at school you named your favorite pillow Mr. PuffPuff.
Josh Nichols: I'm sorry if I offended you.

Josh Nichols: [Looking through an emergency kit] We have a quarter, a can of salmon, open, an ice tray, and half a shoe.

"Drake & Josh: Number One Fan (#2.10)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: Hey, wait for me! I wanna go to Chuckie Chedders! I wanna wack the mole! Oh, there's no bathroom in here! That's gonna be a problem!
[struggles to get out of the tent]

Josh Nichols: [taking smores out of oven] Hello, smores!
Josh Nichols: Ahh! Hello Pain!
[Josh sticks his arm in pitcher of milk]
Drake Parker: [staring at Josh] Uhh... Josh, they usually put the prize in the cereal, not the milk.

Drake Parker: I love s'mores!
Josh Nichols: Who doesn't?
Drake Parker: I don't know, s'more haters?
Josh Nichols: Good point.

"Drake & Josh: Tree House (#4.10)" (2007)
Josh Nichols: Megan, can you hand up the saw... Drake forgot to cut the door down so we're stuck up here in the tree house.
Megan Parker: Wow... this is the best day of my life.
Josh Nichols: Megan! Just give us the saw!
Megan Parker: No, I'm gonna get a snow cone.

Delivery Guy: Package for Josh Nichols.
Josh Nichols: Thanks! Have a good day!
Delivery Guy: Don't tell me what to do.

"Drake & Josh: Theater Thug (#3.14)" (2006)
[the Theater Thug is robbing the Premier]
Theater Thug: Where's the money?
Josh Nichols: [confused] I don't know!
Theater Thug: Yeah you do!
Josh Nichols: [still confused] Yeah I do!

Megan Parker: I call him "Little Joshica"
[a picture of Josh as a girl with blonde hair comes on the computer screen]
Josh Nichols: Not happening.

"Drake & Josh: Smart Girl (#2.6)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: You know the closet in the hall.
Drake Parker: The hall closet.
Josh Nichols: Yah, I stuffed it full of underwear so when she opens it, she'll get burried up to her evil little head in dirty underwear.
Drake Parker: Eww, yours?
Josh Nichols: Dads...
Drake Parker: Ewer.

Josh Nichols: I don't know Drake, all this cheating makes me feel... dirty.
Drake Parker: Well, take a bath when you get home.

"Drake & Josh: Guitar (#2.2)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: Do you sell guitars?
Guitar World Salesman: [sarcastically] Here? At Guitar World? Gee, I don't know.

Josh Nichols: [Drake is playing music at a loud volume] I'm trying to study!
Drake Parker: Why?
Josh Nichols: To learn things!

"Drake & Josh: We're Married (#3.3)" (2005)
Josh Nichols: Oh, that's not beef.
Yeesta: Oh? Then what is it?
Josh Nichols: It's goat.
Yooka's Dad: [everyone spits out goat meat] Glockma?
Yeesta: You serve us goat balls?

Josh Nichols: [to Yooka] I got you a gift.
Yooka: What is it?
[opens bag]
Yooka: Oh! It's a glockma!
Drake Parker: No, that's a goat.
Josh Nichols: Glockma means goat.
Yooka: Yes, the goat is the national symbol of Youdonia. Very sacred in my country.

"Drake & Josh: Driver's License (#2.9)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: Drake, we're supposed to be studying for our driving test!
Drake Parker: [playing a driving video game] I am!
Josh Nichols: Drake, I highly doubt that our driven test will include stealing a bus and running into dragons.
Drake Parker: Do you know that for sure?

Josh Nichols: Uh, oh. The cops. Oh, sweet, sweet karma!

"Drake & Josh: Hug Me, Brother: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: I gave good advice! And I'm wearing pants!
Drake Parker: Praise be the pants!

[repeated line]
Josh Nichols: Now HUG ME BROTHA!

"Drake & Josh: Mindy Loves Josh (#4.4)" (2006)
Josh Nichols: I had a nightmare.
Drake Parker: Was it the one where you got your foot stuck in the horse?
Josh Nichols: Worse.
Drake Parker: Worse than getting your foot stuck in a horse's...

[during a science project]
Josh Nichols: Do you know what I'm hyper-focusing on right now?
Mindy Crenshaw: Tell me.
Josh Nichols: Your lips.
Mindy Crenshaw: Ooh, Josh. You make me tingle like a five gigawatt capacitor.

"Drake & Josh: Josh Is Done (#4.11)" (2007)
Mr. Roland: [Drake has just been in the chemical shower] Sit down, Drake.
[Drake ignores him]
Mr. Roland: Drake, sit down!
Drake Parker: No! Josh!
Josh Nichols: What?
Drake Parker: Look, I'm sorry. Let me finish, OK? I-I was wrong, OK? I was wrong!
Josh Nichols: What do you mean?
Drake Parker: I need you more than you need me, I need you WAY more than you need me! Alright, I'm sorry! Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I... I'm sorry I'm probably the worst brother in the world and, you know, you're way better off without me, you know, I just-I just need you to understand that I... I just... Sorry Josh... I'm sorry...
[walks out of the classroom]
Mr. Roland: Josh, would you like to speak to Drake?
Josh Nichols: [pauses] No. No, sir.

Drake Parker: Well, then stop being mad at me.
Josh Nichols: I told you I'm not mad with you. I'm done.
Drake Parker: What do you mean done?
Josh Nichols: I dont want anything to do with you anymore.
Drake Parker: So? What? You're just going to move out?
Josh Nichols: No, this is a house where I live and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college but that's all we'll be. I'm done with you.
[walks away]

"Drake & Josh: Pool Shark (#2.5)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: [about the two tough, scary-looking biker thugs he hired to scare Drake] Drake, meet Chip and Ronnie. My old camp counselors.
Drake Parker: [pause] Where did you go to camp?

Mr. Nichols: [needing a last minute birthday gift for Audrey] Uh, get her some toothpaste. She's always using toothpaste!
Josh Nichols: Dad, there's two-hundred dollars here.
Mr. Nichols: Well, get her some mouthwash, too! I'M JUST A MAN!

"Drake & Josh: Blues Brothers (#2.8)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: Don't worry Megan, you'll have your chance.
Megan Parker: So will you.
[stands up]
Megan Parker: So... will you.
[leaves the room]
Josh Nichols: What did she mean by that?
Drake Parker: I dunno but if I were you, I'd sleep with a helmet on.

Josh Nichols: [about Megan] Such big evil in such a little girl.

"Drake & Josh: Helicopter (#4.19)" (2007)
Drake Parker: [talking to Teri about skydiving] You know, I heard one in five people don't even make it to the ground.
Josh Nichols: What do you mean they don't make it to the ground? Where do they go?

[after Drake and Josh accidentally knocked their sky diving instructor unconscious, they start noticing problems with the helicopter]
Drake Parker: It's the fuel gauge! We're on "E"!
Josh Nichols: Well maybe "E" means "Extra Fuel"!

"Drake & Josh: Two Idiots and a Baby (#1.4)" (2004)

Josh Nichols: [dangling from the roof] I deserve this. This is all because I forgot to feed my pet turtle, Sheldon in kindergarten. He went to heaven, and now my life is bad.
Josh Nichols: You happy, Sheldon? We're even now!
Mr. Nichols: [offscreen] Josh?
Josh Nichols: Sheldon?

"Drake & Josh: Vicious Tiberius (#4.2)" (2006)
Josh Nichols: So did you get the phone?
Drake Parker: Yeah
Josh Nichols: Yes!
Drake Parker: But then I dropped it.
Josh Nichols: No! You were so scared you couldn't hold onto the phone?
Josh Nichols: ...This is true.

"Drake & Josh: Steered Straight (#4.14)" (2007)
Josh Nichols: We can't get into the Reptile Room
Josh Nichols: . You have to be over 21.
Drake Parker: You are over 21, Mr.
Drake Parker: [pulls out fake I.D]
Drake Parker: Yakatori!
Josh Nichols: What's this?
Drake Parker: Fake I.D.
Josh Nichols: You got me a fake I.D.?
Drake Parker: Yeah. Got me one, too. Take a look.
Drake Parker: [hands Josh his own fake I.D]
Josh Nichols: ...Jefferson Steelflex?
Drake Parker: Made it up myself.
Josh Nichols: [sarcastically] Oh, DID ya?
Josh Nichols: So, you're suggesting we go into the Reptile Room posing as... Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakatori.
Drake Parker: Yeah, pretty much.
Josh Nichols: I'm not using a fake I.D. It's illegal.
Drake Parker: So? It's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
Josh Nichols: Yes, people who are bankrobbers!

"Drake & Josh: The Peruvian Puff Pepper (#3.2)" (2005)
Josh Nichols: [Talking about the Peruvian Puff Pepper] Okay, so how do we buy some?
Drake Parker: Can't, it says here they're only available in South Ah-mer-ee-ca.
[Josh looks at Drake annoyingly]
Drake Parker: What?
Josh Nichols: South America!
Drake Parker: [looks at his laptop] Oh.

"Drake & Josh: Honor Council (#2.14)" (2004)
Mindy Crenshaw: [after losing an honor council case] I have a cockapoo and an exact clone of that cockapoo. That means I have two cockapi! And what do you have? A giant magnet! "Ooh, look at me! I'm Josh! And look at my big magnet!" Crenshaw out!
Josh Nichols: See ya, crazy!

"Drake & Josh: The Really Big Shrimp: Part 1 (#4.17)" (2007)
Mindy Crenshaw: Gahh! Crazy Steve's gone berserk!
Helen, Josh Nichols: Crazy Steve?
Mindy Crenshaw: Who else?
Crazy Steve: [enters shouting] COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!

"Drake & Josh: Paging Doctor Drake (#3.8)" (2005)
Josh Nichols: [with accent] I kissed your wife.

"Drake & Josh: Movie Job (#2.3)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: Drake, where's my stereo?
Drake Parker: Wisconsin.

Drake and Josh Go Hollywood (2006) (TV)
Josh Nichols: T-R-L! Baby!

"Drake & Josh: Mean Teacher (#2.11)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: [talking about how Drake needs to break up with his girlfriend] All you need to do is act un-youish.
Drake Parker: I'm not Jewish.
Josh Nichols: No! Un-Drakeish

"Drake & Josh: Drake and Josh Inn (#3.1)" (2005)
Josh Nichols: I'm sorry, but we have a serious gas leak in here!
Fat Guy: Oh, sorry. I think that was me.

"Drake & Josh: My Dinner with Bobo (#4.9)" (2007)
Josh Nichols: [locked in Dr. Favershim's closet] You'd better open the door or we'll call the cops!
Drake Parker: Yeah, we have a cell phone in here!
Dr. Favershim: You have no cell phone.
Josh Nichols: Do too!
Dr. Favershim: Prove it. Play me a ring tone.
Josh Nichols: [ringtone sounds] See?
Dr. Favershim: Does it have Bluetooth?
Josh Nichols: What?
Dr. Favershim: Your cell phone, does it have Bluetooth?
Josh Nichols: [mocking Favershim's accent] Yah, dude, it has Bluetooth!
Dr. Favershim: I don't believe you; show me.
Josh Nichols: Well open the door!
[Favershim opens the door, Josh puts out his phone]
Josh Nichols: See? Bluetooth! Ha!
[Favershim takes the phone, slams the door & locks it]
Drake Parker: Aw man!
Drake Parker: Nice going, Blue-TOOTH!

"Drake & Josh: Who's Got Game? (#4.5)" (2006)
Girl #6: [hands Josh her phone number]
Josh Nichols: Wow, all seven digits.
Girl #6: Huh?
Josh Nichols: Uhh... nothing! Nothing, I will call you, yes.
Josh Nichols: [runs back to booth where Audrey is sitting] OK, WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF WIZARD?

"Drake & Josh: Dr. Phyllis Show (#3.17)" (2006)
Josh Nichols: [in a flashback]
[to Drake]
Josh Nichols: I hope you go bald!
Drake Parker: [to Josh] I hope they cancel Oprah!

"Drake & Josh: The Affair (#3.5)" (2005)
Josh Nichols: Anyone want a tengelo? They're half tangerine, half....elo.
Drake Parker: [British accent] 'ello

"Drake & Josh: First Crush (#1.5)" (2004)
Josh Nichols: Headaches... you give me HEADACHES!