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Quotes for
Sergeant Dan Scott (Character)
from "Midsomer Murders" (1997)

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"Midsomer Murders: Sins of Commission (#7.4)" (2004)
DCI Tom Barnaby: No flirting on duty, Casanova.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Not really my style, Sir.
[Scott turns to Barnaby]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Casanova?

[Barnaby and Scott have returned to a murder victim's bedroom]
DCI Tom Barnaby: [looking around] You noticed what else is missing, Detective?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Sympathy, Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No.
[Barnaby points to a low shelf attached to the wall]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Look. No piggy bank.

[visiting a bookshop, Scott is told the book he is looking at is on sale for £12.99]
Sergeant Dan Scott: That's five pints and change over the way.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Literature is priceless, Scott. Let that thought console you!

Scott: Do leopards change their spots? Not in my jungle!

Scott: [after he is nearly run over by Jezebel] Thanks... for not killing me.
Jezebel Tripp: I only kill when I'm bored.

Sergeant Dan Scott: [remarking on the sexy Jezebel] Very tasty!
Cully Barnaby: It's not just Muesli she eats for breakfast, you know.

[Sergeant Dan Scott approaches DCI Tom Barnaby, who is standing over the body of Jezebel Tripp]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Well bang goes our table for two at Sergio's tomorrow night.

"Midsomer Murders: The Maid in Splendour (#7.5)" (2004)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Word of advice about your interviewing technique, Scott.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Uh, Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Drooling, Sergeant. When taking statements from attractive female witnesses, it is not in the manual.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Drooling, Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Drooling, Sir.
Sergeant Dan Scott: What drooling?

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: So Bella's *not* going to throw herself into Lake Splendour then.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Huh.
Benbow: What?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Like, uh, what's-her-name.
[nods at pub sign]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Jumping in the lake after her fiancé.
Benbow: [laughs] Who told you that?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Michael Bannerman.
Benbow: He was having you on. Girly never chucked herself into the lake. The old knight come back from the crusades. He goes straight to the manor, and there he sees *her* pleasuring his brother. So, he drags her from the bed, kills his brother stone dead, and then chucks girly into the lake.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Now that's what I call a happy ending

Sergeant Dan Scott: This is the sort of place you'd bring Totty, when you got nowhere else to go.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [sardonically] As beautifully put, as ever.
Sergeant Dan Scott: [beaming] Thank you sir!

Sergeant Dan Scott: The... ah... the Maid in Splendor, what's that about?
Michael Bannerman: Oh, that's a local legend! A young knight goes off to the Crusades before he can marry his beloved. And she vows to wait for him, but by the time he gets back, he's old, broken by war. She's still as beautiful as ever. Hasn't aged a day. So, to free her from her obligation, he dives into Lake Splendour and drowns.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Lake splendour?
Michael Bannerman: Eh, that's a stagnant pond out by Hunter's Wood. The name's ironic, at least is these days.
Sergeant Dan Scott: So the knight chucks himself in the pond, end of story?
Michael Bannerman: No, no... no, the maid was broken-hearted. She still loved him, you see? Despite his age and infirmity. So she threw herself in the lake after him. Hence the Maid in Splendor.
Sergeant Dan Scott: That's what I like: happy ending!

[DCI Tom Barnaby and Sergeant Dan Scott exit The Maid in Splendour]
DCI Tom Barnaby: So, what do you make of that?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Typical country boozers, sir. It's only yokels and nutters.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [in a sardonic tone] Thank you Scott, that's very useful.
Sergeant Dan Scott: And as for the maid... bloke comes back from the war, his fiance's still a bit of a looker, so he jumps into the pond. And then she jumps in afterwards. I mean, you've gotta be kidding me!

[Sergeant Dan Scott has just made a date with Cully Barnaby, to attend an Ingmar Bergman film festival]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Bergman, that's a bit heavy.
Sergeant Dan Scott: I don't know... what, Casablanca - I could watch that again.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [nonplussed] Casablanca?
Sergeant Dan Scott: [unabashed] Yeah. Ingrid Bergman's in Casablanca, isn't she?
[DCI Tom Barnaby's look of confusion turns into a smile]

"Midsomer Murders: Bad Tidings (#7.2)" (2004)
Sergeant Dan Scott: Where I come from, Open Garden Day is when someone breaks into your shed.

Sergeant Dan Scott: Is ah... is this it sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [looks around at his surroundings] I... I'm afraid it is.

Sergeant Dan Scott: What do they call this beer?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Real.

Sergeant Dan Scott: [sarcastically] Well there can't be that many door-to-door knife grinders around these days, can there?

Sergeant Dan Scott: Nearest I ever got to a garden was a window box, and then someone nicked that.

"Midsomer Murders: Dead in the Water (#8.2)" (2004)
[DCI Tom Barnaby and Sergeant Dan Scott are stopped by a riverbank]
DCI Tom Barnaby: How do we get across, Sergeant?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Well, one of us is going to have to row, sir.
[under his breath]
Sergeant Dan Scott: And the smart money's on me.

[DCI Tom Barnaby and Sergeant Dan Scott set up a surveillance post in the Stevens' house]
Mr Stevens: So, what's the form?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Uh, well there'll be someone here, round the clock, starting this evening.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I expect Sergeant Scott'll want to take the first watch.
Sergeant Dan Scott: [dejectedly] Oh yes. Of course...

[Barnaby and Scott are in Barnaby's Rover 75]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Where are we going sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: To see Mr. Cooke with an "e".
Sergeant Dan Scott: Oh, good!
[cracks his knuckles]
Sergeant Dan Scott: [Barnaby takes notice of what Scott has done, and pulls the car off the main road]
Sergeant Dan Scott: What's wrong?
[Barnaby stops the car, and sets the parking brake with authority]
DCI Tom Barnaby: [speaks in a low, serious tone] Scott, there will be no violence on my watch.
Sergeant Dan Scott: No, I was just, um...
DCI Tom Barnaby: [cutting Scott off] None whatsoever.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Yes sir.

[Barnaby joins Scott in the surveillance post]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Why are you here sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: It's a generational thing, Scott. I've brought you some cake... and some coffee.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Oh.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I thought you might have grown a tad peckish.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Thank you sir. I'm going to try and eat it before the relief turns up.
[begins to eat]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Did Mrs. Barnaby make this?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [in a grave tone] Oh, I wouldn't do that to you, Scott.
[Scott chuckles, and takes a big bite of cake]

"Midsomer Murders: Orchis Fatalis (#8.3)" (2005)
Margaret Winstanley: [reading from a ledger] "Sold to H.P. - for one hundred and fifty thousand pounds!"
DCI Tom Barnaby: Who's H.P.?
Sergeant Dan Scott: At that price it's probably Harry Potter.

DCI Tom Barnaby: How's Brother Robert getting on with his diary translation?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Let me put it this way, sir; up at the abbey they still tell the time with a sun dial.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [after Scott has broken into a safe using an axe] Where did you learn to do that?
Sergeant Dan Scott: School of hard locks.

"Midsomer Murders: Midsomer Rhapsody (#8.8)" (2005)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Find him a cell, Scott, and when he can make a sensible statement, charge him.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Yes, sir.

DCI Tom Barnaby: He was respected and admired, Scott, because he encouraged and inspired so many people, including the great Joan Alder.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Joan Alder? 'Midsomer Rhapsody'?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Do you know that piece?
Sergeant Dan Scott: My mum was a fan. She played it when she wanted us out of the house.

"Midsomer Murders: Bantling Boy (#8.4)" (2005)
Sergeant Dan Scott: Trevor Machin. Lives in a wheelchair - has got breath like a badger.

[last lines]
[the radio announces Bantling Boy's win]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes!
Sergeant Dan Scott: Have you had a bet on, Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: I have, Scott. I've made myself a nice little killing.

"Midsomer Murders: Things That Go Bump in the Night (#8.1)" (2004)
Barnaby: I'm not 100% certain about your interview technique, Scott. But it certainly gets results.
Scott: Thank you, sir.
Barnaby: That's something you picked up at the Met, is it?
Scott: Could be.
Barnaby: Do you want to go back there?
Scott: No. I quite like it here.
Barnaby: Good.
Scott: Yeah. I think I might change my job, though.
Barnaby: Hmmm?
Scott: Well, there's a shortage of funeral directors in the area. I could make a fortune.

Scott: Unfortunately, sir, we can't arrest a ghost for scaring an old lady to death.

"Midsomer Murders: The Straw Woman (#7.6)" (2004)
[talking about alternative medicine and its remedies]
Scott: People pay for stuff like that?
Barnaby: Things you buy from a proper chemist - they're just a purified version.
Scott: Oh sure. "Doctor, it's my throat." "Never mind, madam. Suck a frog three times a day after meals."

[Barnaby and Sgt. Scott have just arrived at the scene of the burnt straw woman]
Scott: Nice night for a barbeque.

"Midsomer Murders: The Fisher King (#7.3)" (2004)
[Barnaby tells Scott that Roger Heldman has fathered yet another illegitimate child]
Scott: Roger by name, Roger by nature.

[last lines]
Scott: I never realized archaeology was such a dangerous business. Is the body count always this high around here, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: It has been remarked upon.
Scott: Three murders just to relabel an object in a glass case.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, there's more to it, Scott, than merely relabelling. It was a lie; now it's the truth.

"Midsomer Murders: Ghosts of Christmas Past (#7.7)" (2004)
DCI Tom Barnaby: [going to his car] Do not feel just because it's Christmas, you can't give us a call, OK? Anything serious happens, I want to know about it, understood?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Yeah, got the message, sir. What are you looking for, an escape from the in-laws?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [turning around and giving him a knowing wink] Now, don't you overdo this evening, all right? Things have a habit of happening around Christmas time, and you may have to be razor sharp in the morning.

"Midsomer Murders: Sauce for the Goose (#8.7)" (2005)
Sergeant Dan Scott: [notices that Barnaby is looking at him while he is talking to a pretty suspect at a bar and says defensively] It's not what you're thinking, sir!
DCI Tom Barnaby: You don't know what I'm thinking!

"Midsomer Murders: Hidden Depths (#8.6)" (2005)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: You might be hurting a little bit too, Scott, once Zara is finished with you. I don't think that girl is as meek as you think she is.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Oh no, she's a, she's a shy one, sir. Bet you can tell. Anyway, I think being locked in the cellar all night by a triple murderer is a better excuse than saying the car broke down, there was no signal on the mobile. Oh, Zara...
Zara: Before you say anything, I'm really sorry about last night, but the car broke down; I was stuck for hours.
Sergeant Dan Scott: What?
Zara: I did try my mobile, but I couldn't get a signal; it's just...
Sergeant Dan Scott: That's okay. No worries. It's fine.
Zara: I've got a friend that might like to go out with you.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Really? Thanks anyway.
[Zara walks over to another guy and kisses him]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, she'll take a long time to recover, Scott, no question.
[finishes his beer]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, I must be off.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Don't forget the yoghurt, sir.