Joyce Barnaby
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Quotes for
Joyce Barnaby (Character)
from "Midsomer Murders" (1997)

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"Midsomer Murders: Dead in the Water (#8.2)" (2004)
[first lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh no. The world and his wife's here.
Cully Barnaby: Kind of the idea, Dad. Couple of drinks, though, and you won't notice them.
Joyce Barnaby: [referring to passing yacht] Now that's the sort of thing, Tom. Only maybe more old-fashioned and stylish.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah, that'll be it. Your mother thinks I need to relax more; weekends on the river, our own boat perhaps.
Cully Barnaby: It's a good idea. D'you know, there's loads for sale in the local paper.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Is this a conspiracy? In my job you get ten years for that.

Cully Barnaby: Typical family day out, really. We arrive somewhere and ten minutes later a serious crime is committed. Exit the old man.
Joyce Barnaby: I think he plans it that way.

[Joyce Barnaby and Cully Barnaby are looking over the boats as they walk along the riverside]
Joyce Barnaby: That one would be too modern for your father. He'll want brass and mahogany everywhere.
[spies a decrepit old yacht]
Joyce Barnaby: Like that one for example.
Cully Barnaby: It's a bit tatty, mom.
Joyce Barnaby: Oh... Nothing a coat of varnish won't cure!

[DCI Tom Barnaby is at home, watching a confiscated pornographic videotape, when Joyce Barnaby enters]
DCI Tom Barnaby: I think you're a bit young to be watching this.
Joyce Barnaby: Where's this come from?
DCI Tom Barnaby: This?... Um... Some oik is using this to blackmail one of our suspects. Suspect playing the lead.
[Tom and Joyce Barnaby crane their necks in unison, following the on-screen action]
Joyce Barnaby: Is that him?
DCI Tom Barnaby: That's him.
[They continue watching with rapt attention]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Early night?
[Joyce giggles]


"Midsomer Murders: Secrets and Spies (#12.3)" (2009)
Joyce Barnaby: [to herself about Tom's returning to the case] Thank God for small murders!

D.C.I. Barnaby: [Frustrated about restrictions put on him by the chief constable] I can't even speak to the sodding suspcts. I am banned from the crime scene.
Joyce Barnaby: So think laterally.
D.C.I. Barnaby: What does that mean?
Joyce Barnaby: I don't know. You're the one who's always telling me to do it.

D.C.I. Barnaby: [DCI Tom Barnaby notices his wife Joyce Barnaby reading a spy novel about MI6] I was a spook once.
Joyce Barnaby: You were not!
D.C.I. Barnaby: I was. When I graduated from Brown's Hill, they asked me to join MI6.
Joyce Barnaby: Why?
D.C.I. Barnaby: 'Cause I spoke Russian.
Joyce Barnaby: But you don't speak Russian.
D.C.I. Barnaby: No, they got the wrong person; they really wanted Brenda Packard.
Joyce Barnaby: Brenda? In RWI? Grows big vegetables?
D.C.I. Barnaby: That's the chap! She's been with MI6 for years.
Joyce Barnaby: Goodness...
D.C.I. Barnaby: I tried it for a few months. Security Officer Grade Seven! Drank gallons of weak tea and, uh, played cricket in the corridors.
Joyce Barnaby: You never told me any of this!
D.C.I. Barnaby: Well no, Joyce. Secret, isn't it?
[DCI Tom Barnaby returns to reading his book as Joyce Barnaby looks on in astonishment]


"Midsomer Murders: Ghosts of Christmas Past (#7.7)" (2004)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Any chance of a mince pie, Joyce?
Joyce Barnaby: In the oven. There's brandy butter and cream on the side.

Joyce Barnaby: What do you think of the tree? They're really very realistic these days.


"Midsomer Murders: Tainted Fruit (#4.6)" (2001)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Medlar jelly. Medlar...
Joyce Barnaby: What is it?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Someone described their friend as 'the meddler'. I wonder if she meant; one who meddles or the fruit?
Joyce Barnaby: There are quite a few trees over Malham way; in the bigger gardens. Quite popular locally.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [reading aloud] 'Medlars spread on straw ripen by their own corruption.'

[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Medlar jelly.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Mm?
Joyce Barnaby: Try some. Go on.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Hm. That's very nice. Perhaps you should, uh, save it for special occasions.
Joyce Barnaby: Well, that's really not necessary. We've got two dozen jars. Just tuck in.


"Midsomer Murders: Master Class (#13.5)" (2010)
[first lines]
Dawn Stock: I'm sorry to bother you, but how many students make it through to the next round?
Joyce Barnaby: It's usually a dozen for the winter school, and then three are chosen for the master class.
Dawn Stock: Thank you.
[to daughter]
Dawn Stock: Good luck, darling.

DCI Tom Barnaby: What's that you're reading?
Joyce Barnaby: It's a biography of Sir Francis Galton.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Ohhhhh, the fingerprint man.
Joyce Barnaby: Among other things. he had some very dubious ideas about genetics.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Hm?
Joyce Barnaby: He believed that imperfections could be bred out of a population. Apart from you, his biggest fans seem to have been the Nazis.


"Midsomer Murders: Picture of Innocence (#10.6)" (2007)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Tom! Do look a bit more cheerful.
Marion Bell: Oh, he always was a grumpy old so-and-so; weren't you, Tom? That's why it didn't really work out between us.
Joyce Barnaby: [chuckles] Hold it!


"Midsomer Murders: Death in a Chocolate Box (#10.8)" (2007)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Is that a tear?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, I was just wondering how I might feel if I went in tomorrow morning and asked for a few days leave.
Joyce Barnaby: Leave!
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah, just you and me together go away somewhere for a while.
Joyce Barnaby: You mean somewhere like... Bournemouth?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, I don't mean somewhere like Bournemouth. I thought, if they're going away to New Zealand for a honeymoon, why don't we beat them to it?


"Midsomer Murders: Country Matters (#9.6)" (2006)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Funnily enough, Rose Southerly once asked *me* if I'd like to help out at the cookery school.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Doing what, exactly?
Joyce Barnaby: I'm not sure. I wouldn't want to act out that perfect wife stuff; God knows I get enough of that at home. And I couldn't do Celia Patchett's damsel in distress act. Ugh, so demeaning. But Ginny Lamington's routine, dishing out a bit of discipline, *that* I could handle.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Really?


"Midsomer Murders: The Maid in Splendour (#7.5)" (2004)
DCI Tom Barnaby: How's the Modsomer film festival coming along, then?
Cully Barnaby: Oh, great! The erotica season sold out straight away.
[slyly]
Cully Barnaby: Don't worry, I saved you a couple of tickets.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [dourly] Oh you must be joking.
Joyce Barnaby: [cheerfully] Oh, lovely! Thank you, darling!


"Midsomer Murders: Dance with the Dead (#10.1)" (2006)
Cully Barnaby: Where's Dad's investigation taking place at the moment?
Joyce Barnaby: Some village or other.
Cully Barnaby: You've been conned, Mum.
Joyce Barnaby: What?
[Cully indicates Ben, then goes over to him]
DS Ben Jones: Hi, Cully.
Cully Barnaby: Don't tell me what you're doing here; I've already sussed it.
DS Ben Jones: I'm undercover.
Cully Barnaby: Yes, but your feet give you away.


"Midsomer Murders: The Silent Land (#13.4)" (2010)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Tom? What is it?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Ah, nothing. Let's go home.


"Midsomer Murders: A Tale of Two Hamlets (#6.4)" (2003)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: This your bookmark?
Joyce Barnaby: Probably.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, no, it's not. Danny's meatball recipe.
Joyce Barnaby: [sighs] He seemed a nice boy.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh yeah, everybody liked him.


"Midsomer Murders: Strangler's Wood (#2.2)" (1999)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Oh, it's good to be home.


"Midsomer Murders: A Talent for Life (#6.1)" (2003)
Joyce Barnaby: Oh look! So sweet! The children look lovely in those huge bonnets.
[laughing]
Joyce Barnaby: They're so serious.
Cully Barnaby: With good reason. They're in the work house. Most of them will probably never reach adulthood.
Joyce Barnaby: Well! This one looks cheery. What are they celebrating?
Cully Barnaby: The end of the first world war...


"Midsomer Murders: The Creeper (#12.6)" (2009)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: What about The Creeper?
DCI Tom Barnaby: The Creeper, Joyce, well, the case is still open, but I have a feeling The Creeper won't be bothering us again.
Joyce Barnaby: How do you know?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Instinct, Joyce. Instinct.


"Midsomer Murders: Birds of Prey (#6.5)" (2003)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Joyce, what have you done?
Joyce Barnaby: Since you were never going to look seriously at the brochures, I took the dates, and Cully did it. We're booked. We're going to Botswana in April.
[passes him the brochure]
Joyce Barnaby: Here's to our holiday.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Joyce, looks as if these people are sitting on top of an elephant.
Joyce Barnaby: That's right. It's an elephant-back safari. Won't it be wonderful! Cheers.


"Midsomer Murders: The Magician's Nephew (#11.5)" (2008)
[Cully holds up her father's Halloween costume]
Cully Barnaby: Will you please try this on?
DCI Tom Barnaby: What's that?
Joyce Barnaby: You didn't think you were going to a Halloween party in jeans and slippers, did you, Tom?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [terrified] Oh, no.
Cully Barnaby, Joyce Barnaby: [together] Oh, yes!


"Midsomer Murders: Bad Tidings (#7.2)" (2004)
[last lines]
Cully Barnaby: I've invited you all here because I didn't want to cancel, and I didn't want to come here alone. So...
Joyce Barnaby: That's understandable.
Cully Barnaby: Will you join me in a toast? To absent friends.
[they clink glasses]
DCI Tom Barnaby: To absent friends,


"Midsomer Murders: The House in the Woods (#9.1)" (2005)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: [as the kettle starts to whistle] Now, that's the music I like to hear, and I could murder...
Joyce Barnaby: Tom!
DCI Tom Barnaby: What?
Jack Magwood: Anyone for tea?


"Midsomer Murders: Shot at Dawn (#11.1)" (2008)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: How did you get His Honour to do this for free?
DCI Tom Barnaby: His Honour is doing this out of the kindness of his heart.
Joyce Barnaby: That is nice.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, I thought so.


"Midsomer Murders: Bantling Boy (#8.4)" (2005)
Cully Barnaby: I have an audition.
Joyce Barnaby: Ah, that's great, Cully. What is it?
Cully Barnaby: Oh, to play Hero.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Shouldn't that be 'heroine'?
Cully Barnaby: No, Dad. Hero's a woman. Shakespeare. "Much Ado about Nothing."
DCI Tom Barnaby: Let's hope this time it isn't.


"Midsomer Murders: Death in Chorus (#9.7)" (2006)
DCI Tom Barnaby: [about the dinner party] What are you giving them?
Joyce Barnaby: Haven't decided yet. Osso buco and sweetbreads perhaps.
DCI Tom Barnaby: What, bones and offal? Doesn't George get enough of that at work?


"Midsomer Murders: Sauce for the Goose (#8.7)" (2005)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: I bought you a new jar of *this*.
[shows him a jar of Plummer's Relish]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, thank you. But you shouldn't have bothered.
Joyce Barnaby: I thought it was your favourite.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, it was, but it isn't any more. I think they changed the recipe.
[he bins it]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Sorry.


"Midsomer Murders: Death and Dust (#10.5)" (2007)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Supper in ten minutes.
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, make that half an hour; Simon and I are going to the Crown for a pint. Come on, young sir.
Cully Barnaby: [to Joyce] Now, that is what I call a result.
DCI Tom Barnaby: This patio may prove more expensive than I thought. Thank you.


"Midsomer Murders: The Dogleg Murders (#12.1)" (2009)
Joyce Barnaby: It was good fun when we used to play tennis.
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, it was not. Rose-tinted spectacles there, Joyce.
Joyce Barnaby: I loved that club. Don't know why we ever left.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, uh, apart from the snobbery and the extortionate fees, there was also the small matter of me arresting the treasurer for murdering his mistress.
Joyce Barnaby: Details, details.


"Midsomer Murders: Death of a Hollow Man (#1.3)" (1998)
[last lines]
D.C.I. Barnaby, Joyce Barnaby, Cully Barnaby, Nicholas Bentley: The theater!


"Midsomer Murders: Talking to the Dead (#11.7)" (2008)
[Barnaby arrives at home for dinner]
Joyce Barnaby: Just in time. I got you a chicken jalfrezi. Didn't have time to cook.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Thank you, Lord.


"Midsomer Murders: Fit for Murder (#13.8)" (2011)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: This is weird.
Cully Barnaby: It is. So, Dad, what now?
DCI Tom Barnaby: What now? I'm going to have my cake and eat it.


"Midsomer Murders: Sins of Commission (#7.4)" (2004)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: I was right about the publishing world; it stinks. But I'm sure a jury'll go for Camilla's plea of self-defense. Do my best to back her up, anyway.
Joyce Barnaby: I'm sure you will.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Eh. To Camilla Crofton! May she live forever. Nostrovia.


"Midsomer Murders: The Made-to-Measure Murders (#13.2)" (2010)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Hello, Joyce!
Joyce Barnaby: Uh! Tom! How *could* you? That's *my* tweed.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, I'm very sorry, Mrs Barnaby, but it is now *my* tweed. Anyway, the only question is: should I go for a ticket pocket? What do you reckon, yes or no?


"Midsomer Murders: The Noble Art (#13.6)" (2010)
Joyce Barnaby: Iris Holman is in love with Giles Braithwaite.
DCI Tom Barnaby: How do you know that?
Joyce Barnaby: Oh, you'd have to be blind not to see it. Or a man.


"Midsomer Murders: The Great and the Good (#12.7)" (2009)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: We can hope we get a decent night's sleep tonight.
Joyce Barnaby: I wouldn't count on it.


"Midsomer Murders: The Killings at Badger's Drift (#1.1)" (1997)
[Barnaby has just finished a phone conversation with Troy]
Joyce Barnaby: Was that Sergeant Troy just now?
D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes.
Joyce Barnaby: I'd like to meet him one day.
D.C.I. Barnaby: No, you wouldn't.


"Midsomer Murders: The Black Book (#12.2)" (2009)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Oh, Tom, what a lovely present! A course on Hogson; how thoughtful of you.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I knew you'd like it.
Joyce Barnaby: I shall look forward to it. That Matilda Simms is so interesting.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes, she is.


"Midsomer Murders: Midsomer Life (#11.4)" (2008)
Joyce Barnaby: [to Barnaby] You are, without doubt, the most difficult person in the world to buy a present for.