DCI Tom Barnaby
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
DCI Tom Barnaby (Character)
from "Midsomer Murders" (1997)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Midsomer Murders: Dead in the Water (#8.2)" (2004)
Philip Trent: Murder? Are you sure?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, I don't think he hit himself on the head, Mr Trent.

Clare Bonavita: [discussing the victim, Guy Sweetman] You know, Guy really did live up to his surname. He was the sweetest man.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, whoever killed him disagreed with you.

Philip Trent: Been any help, Inspector?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, most things people tell us are of help, Mr Trent - even if they don't mean them to be.

[first lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh no. The world and his wife's here.
Cully Barnaby: Kind of the idea, Dad. Couple of drinks, though, and you won't notice them.
Joyce Barnaby: [referring to passing yacht] Now that's the sort of thing, Tom. Only maybe more old-fashioned and stylish.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah, that'll be it. Your mother thinks I need to relax more; weekends on the river, our own boat perhaps.
Cully Barnaby: It's a good idea. D'you know, there's loads for sale in the local paper.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Is this a conspiracy? In my job you get ten years for that.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: [to a rat] Thank you.

Cully Barnaby: Right, the home team. Furthest from us: Midsomer Rowing Club Veterans.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [puts opera glasses to his eyes] They're not veterans! They're half our age! Joyce!

[DCI Tom Barnaby and Sergeant Dan Scott are stopped by a riverbank]
DCI Tom Barnaby: How do we get across, Sergeant?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Well, one of us is going to have to row, sir.
[under his breath]
Sergeant Dan Scott: And the smart money's on me.

[DCI Tom Barnaby and Sergeant Dan Scott set up a surveillance post in the Stevens' house]
Mr Stevens: So, what's the form?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Uh, well there'll be someone here, round the clock, starting this evening.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I expect Sergeant Scott'll want to take the first watch.
Sergeant Dan Scott: [dejectedly] Oh yes. Of course...

[Barnaby and Scott are in Barnaby's Rover 75]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Where are we going sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: To see Mr. Cooke with an "e".
Sergeant Dan Scott: Oh, good!
[cracks his knuckles]
Sergeant Dan Scott: [Barnaby takes notice of what Scott has done, and pulls the car off the main road]
Sergeant Dan Scott: What's wrong?
[Barnaby stops the car, and sets the parking brake with authority]
DCI Tom Barnaby: [speaks in a low, serious tone] Scott, there will be no violence on my watch.
Sergeant Dan Scott: No, I was just, um...
DCI Tom Barnaby: [cutting Scott off] None whatsoever.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Yes sir.

[Barnaby joins Scott in the surveillance post]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Why are you here sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: It's a generational thing, Scott. I've brought you some cake... and some coffee.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Oh.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I thought you might have grown a tad peckish.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Thank you sir. I'm going to try and eat it before the relief turns up.
[begins to eat]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Did Mrs. Barnaby make this?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [in a grave tone] Oh, I wouldn't do that to you, Scott.
[Scott chuckles, and takes a big bite of cake]

[DCI Tom Barnaby is at home, watching a confiscated pornographic videotape, when Joyce Barnaby enters]
DCI Tom Barnaby: I think you're a bit young to be watching this.
Joyce Barnaby: Where's this come from?
DCI Tom Barnaby: This?... Um... Some oik is using this to blackmail one of our suspects. Suspect playing the lead.
[Tom and Joyce Barnaby crane their necks in unison, following the on-screen action]
Joyce Barnaby: Is that him?
DCI Tom Barnaby: That's him.
[They continue watching with rapt attention]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Early night?
[Joyce giggles]

"Midsomer Murders: Secrets and Spies (#12.3)" (2009)
[Glen Jarvis has just refused, very ungraciously, Barnaby's offer of advice on the security of Allenby House]
Sir Malcolm Frazer: Is it illegal to strangle nasty little weasels?
D.C.I. Barnaby: I think it's actively encouraged, isn't it, sir?

[last lines]
Brenda Packard: Your chappie's in trouble.
D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah. What a shame.

[to Jones, having been chosen to be the umpire in an upcoming cricket game]
D.C.I. Barnaby: There are 42 basic areas in cricket rules. And they are split into numbered sub-headings, which produce thousands, thousands of sub-sub-clauses. I will never forgive you for this.

[Jones' team is losing in a game Barnaby is umpiring]
DS Ben Jones: Whose side are you on, sir?
D.C.I. Barnaby: Same as always, Jones; the side of decency, justice and the American way.

DS Ben Jones: They're all stalling.
D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah. So let us insert some ginger into the appropriate orifices and see if we can make the horses dance.
DS Ben Jones: [Not comprehending the metaphor] What?

D.C.I. Barnaby: [to Jones] We're going to have to squeeze the fruit further up the food chain.

D.C.I. Barnaby: [to Joyce on his role as cricket umpire] I enjoy the job playing God in a limited universe.

D.C.I. Barnaby: [Frustrated about restrictions put on him by the chief constable] I can't even speak to the sodding suspcts. I am banned from the crime scene.
Joyce Barnaby: So think laterally.
D.C.I. Barnaby: What does that mean?
Joyce Barnaby: I don't know. You're the one who's always telling me to do it.

D.C.I. Barnaby: [DCI Tom Barnaby notices his wife Joyce Barnaby reading a spy novel about MI6] I was a spook once.
Joyce Barnaby: You were not!
D.C.I. Barnaby: I was. When I graduated from Brown's Hill, they asked me to join MI6.
Joyce Barnaby: Why?
D.C.I. Barnaby: 'Cause I spoke Russian.
Joyce Barnaby: But you don't speak Russian.
D.C.I. Barnaby: No, they got the wrong person; they really wanted Brenda Packard.
Joyce Barnaby: Brenda? In RWI? Grows big vegetables?
D.C.I. Barnaby: That's the chap! She's been with MI6 for years.
Joyce Barnaby: Goodness...
D.C.I. Barnaby: I tried it for a few months. Security Officer Grade Seven! Drank gallons of weak tea and, uh, played cricket in the corridors.
Joyce Barnaby: You never told me any of this!
D.C.I. Barnaby: Well no, Joyce. Secret, isn't it?
[DCI Tom Barnaby returns to reading his book as Joyce Barnaby looks on in astonishment]

DS Ben Jones: They're all stalling.
D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah. So let's insert some Ninja into the appropriate orifices... and see if we can make the horses dance.
DS Ben Jones: What?

"Midsomer Murders: Days of Misrule (#11.6)" (2008)
CS John Cotton: You've had a similar incident of arson recently.
DS Ben Jones: Yeah, that'll be...
DCI Tom Barnaby: Polter, the pyromaniac. I'm fairly sure it wasn't him.
CS John Cotton: Fuzzy logic, Tom. Gut instinct can let you down; systems won't.
DS Ben Jones: We banged Polter up last Wednesday, sir.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Jones.
DS Ben Jones: Yes, sir!
DCI Tom Barnaby: I'm not going to get you tarred and feathered and sent to traffic, all right?
DS Ben Jones: You're not?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No.
DS Ben Jones: I thought I'd dropped you in it with the Boy Wonder, sir.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, yes, you did. But your candour merely hastens the inevitable.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Layla. We'd like a word about James Parkes.
Layla Barkham: Hm. One word: bastard.
DCI Tom Barnaby: More would be better.
Layla Barkham: Lying, devious bastard.

DCI Tom Barnaby: The cleverest lies, Jones, are those we're already inclined to believe.

DS Ben Jones: [Wearing a blindfold] Can't see a thing!
DCI Tom Barnaby: [Sarcastically] Something to do with wearing a blindfold.

DCI Tom Barnaby: You are a man of conspicuous loyalty, Sgt. Barkham, but you are a lousy liar.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Blame, in my experience, can be an emotional, rather than a rational, reaction.

DS Ben Jones: Don't look now, sir, but we're being watched.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Where?
DS Ben Jones: One o'clock. Big man in red.
[Barnaby looks in the direction and sees a plastic Santa on the roof of a house]
DCI Tom Barnaby: [sarcastically] Oh, you're full of fun today, Jones.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: We *have*, as a result of good teamwork, put the murderer behind bars.
CS John Cotton: So I'd heard. Well done.
DCI Tom Barnaby: You may not be as pleased when you see the overtime figures, Sir, in the new year; we've been filling in your time-sheets.
[Barnaby joins the carollers in singing 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen']

"Midsomer Murders: The Maid in Splendour (#7.5)" (2004)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Word of advice about your interviewing technique, Scott.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Uh, Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Drooling, Sergeant. When taking statements from attractive female witnesses, it is not in the manual.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Drooling, Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Drooling, Sir.
Sergeant Dan Scott: What drooling?

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: So Bella's *not* going to throw herself into Lake Splendour then.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Huh.
Benbow: What?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Like, uh, what's-her-name.
[nods at pub sign]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Jumping in the lake after her fiancé.
Benbow: [laughs] Who told you that?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Michael Bannerman.
Benbow: He was having you on. Girly never chucked herself into the lake. The old knight come back from the crusades. He goes straight to the manor, and there he sees *her* pleasuring his brother. So, he drags her from the bed, kills his brother stone dead, and then chucks girly into the lake.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Now that's what I call a happy ending

DCI Tom Barnaby: How's the Modsomer film festival coming along, then?
Cully Barnaby: Oh, great! The erotica season sold out straight away.
Cully Barnaby: Don't worry, I saved you a couple of tickets.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [dourly] Oh you must be joking.
Joyce Barnaby: [cheerfully] Oh, lovely! Thank you, darling!

Sergeant Dan Scott: This is the sort of place you'd bring Totty, when you got nowhere else to go.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [sardonically] As beautifully put, as ever.
Sergeant Dan Scott: [beaming] Thank you sir!

DCI Tom Barnaby: You also handed the pub over.
Michael Bannerman: Yes, yes, yes... shown the red card.

Sergeant Dan Scott: The... ah... the Maid in Splendor, what's that about?
Michael Bannerman: Oh, that's a local legend! A young knight goes off to the Crusades before he can marry his beloved. And she vows to wait for him, but by the time he gets back, he's old, broken by war. She's still as beautiful as ever. Hasn't aged a day. So, to free her from her obligation, he dives into Lake Splendour and drowns.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Lake splendour?
Michael Bannerman: Eh, that's a stagnant pond out by Hunter's Wood. The name's ironic, at least is these days.
Sergeant Dan Scott: So the knight chucks himself in the pond, end of story?
Michael Bannerman: No, no... no, the maid was broken-hearted. She still loved him, you see? Despite his age and infirmity. So she threw herself in the lake after him. Hence the Maid in Splendor.
Sergeant Dan Scott: That's what I like: happy ending!

[DCI Tom Barnaby and Sergeant Dan Scott exit The Maid in Splendour]
DCI Tom Barnaby: So, what do you make of that?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Typical country boozers, sir. It's only yokels and nutters.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [in a sardonic tone] Thank you Scott, that's very useful.
Sergeant Dan Scott: And as for the maid... bloke comes back from the war, his fiance's still a bit of a looker, so he jumps into the pond. And then she jumps in afterwards. I mean, you've gotta be kidding me!

[Sergeant Dan Scott has just made a date with Cully Barnaby, to attend an Ingmar Bergman film festival]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Bergman, that's a bit heavy.
Sergeant Dan Scott: I don't know... what, Casablanca - I could watch that again.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [nonplussed] Casablanca?
Sergeant Dan Scott: [unabashed] Yeah. Ingrid Bergman's in Casablanca, isn't she?
[DCI Tom Barnaby's look of confusion turns into a smile]

"Midsomer Murders: A Tale of Two Hamlets (#6.4)" (2003)
Murdoch: Is it true a local man is helping with your enquiries?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, if he is it'll be a first.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: This your bookmark?
Joyce Barnaby: Probably.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, no, it's not. Danny's meatball recipe.
Joyce Barnaby: [sighs] He seemed a nice boy.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh yeah, everybody liked him.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [they have just turned uphill at a T-junction] Stop, Troy, stop. We go down the hill, Troy.
Sergeant Gavin Troy: I thought we were going to Upper Warden.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah, we are.
[points to signpost]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Upper Warden is down the hill; Lower Warden is up the hill
Sergeant Gavin Troy: That doesn't make any sense.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Troy, this is Midsomer.
Sergeant Gavin Troy: Sorry. I forgot.

Frank Webster: [referring to his family traditions] ... the youngest goes off to the Crusades, but I decided to join the Godless infidels and became a movie producer.
DCI Tom Barnaby: You produced "The House of Satan."
Frank Webster: The highest grossing U.K.-financed movie of the last decade.
Simon Smythe-Webster: Gross is an appropriate word.

DCI Tom Barnaby: I've been bullied by the media into holding a press conference. Would you mind taking part please?
Frank Webster: My pleasure. All publicity is good publicity.

DCI Tom Barnaby: I have to ask the obvious question. Did your brother Frank have any enemies?
Rupert Smythe-Webster: Apparently. Otherwise he'd still be alive.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [as they are walking] I'm told that you and Sarah Proudie from Upper Warden were once, if you'll pardon the expression, an item.
Rupert Smythe-Webster: [he stops in his tracks] My God! You have been dredging, haven't you?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, there seems an awful lot to dredge in these parts.

DCI Tom Barnaby: I thought the point of women's emancipation is you didn't have to do the men's dirty washing.

"Midsomer Murders: Talking to the Dead (#11.7)" (2008)
[Barnaby arrives at home for dinner]
Joyce Barnaby: Just in time. I got you a chicken jalfrezi. Didn't have time to cook.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Thank you, Lord.

DCI Tom Barnaby: I think, Jones, whatever is in those woods, it's time we met it face to face. C'mon.
DS Ben Jones: Do ghosts have faces?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, I think they do, yes. Except the headless ones.

[last lines]
Dr Bullard: It's the manner of his death. I've heard of it and never seen it. Parasympathetic rebound. It happens when someone is so terrified that the whole metabolic system reacts and tries to calm itself down. The problem is, it can make too good a job of it and the heart simply stops beating. I don't know what it was he encountered in Monks Barton Woods. Frankly, I hope I never find out.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Parasympathetic rebound. You're telling me that Cyrus LeVanu died of fright.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [to Joyce referring to LeVanue] I don't have a closed mind. I'm a copper, and I can spot a phony a mile away, and Simon LeVanue fits the bill exactly.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [to Jones as he views corpse] Whoever it was couldn't look her in the face when he pulled the trigger.

Talk Show Host: I heard you call for help.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [Defensively] I did not call for help... I was attacked... by an owl.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Maybe all this psychic drivel is a cover for something more sinister.

"Midsomer Murders: Death in Chorus (#9.7)" (2006)
DC Ben Jones: Do you think there was some tension between Mr and Mrs Barker?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, just a bit. She'd been crying.
DC Ben Jones: How could you tell?
DCI Tom Barnaby: I've been married a long time, Jones.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [about the dinner party] What are you giving them?
Joyce Barnaby: Haven't decided yet. Osso buco and sweetbreads perhaps.
DCI Tom Barnaby: What, bones and offal? Doesn't George get enough of that at work?

DCI Tom Barnaby: [after discovering a woman's negligee in the dead man's closet] Looks as if our Mr Simpson had a more complicated life than anyone imagined!

DC Ben Jones: Crime of passion?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, people in love do do desperate things.

DC Ben Jones: It's as if he didn't exist before he moved to Midsomer Worthy.
DCI Tom Barnaby: And now someone burgles the dead man's cottage.
DC Ben Jones: Looking for what?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Every man keeps something of his past, Jones.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [as Jones stands by their car sopping wet after being pushed into a pond] What are you waiting for?
DC Ben Jones: A drying wind.

"Midsomer Murders: Down Among the Dead Men (#9.4)" (2006)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Mr. Florian, you arrived just in time, sir. We won't have to break your door down now.
Richard Florian: Inspector, I'm, uh, I'm trying very hard to see a funny side to this, but it's eluding me.
DCI Tom Barnaby: That's because there isn't one.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Are you saying that if slap came to tickle, you could vouch for each other?

Detective Constable Ben Jones: Sounds good, sir; a trip to the seaside. Should we toss for it?
DCI Tom Barnaby: I already did. I won.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [Viewing the murder scene] Nothing out of place - not even a mark on his blotter.
Detective Constable Ben Jones: Yeah, well, who writes letters these days, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Who knows how to?

Detective Constable Ben Jones: Why does this place make me feel uncomfortable, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [Sarcastically] Oh, sensitive lad like you. Must be the body in the kitchen.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, well, well.

"Midsomer Murders: Fit for Murder (#13.8)" (2011)
Miranda Bedford: Luke Archibald has found some loophole in the deeds whereby I can't use the drive of my own house.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, so that's the reason for the bad feeling between you two.
Carter Smith: Tip o' the iceberg, my friend.

Clarky: What'll it be?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, what do you recommend?
Clarky: You have the look, sir, of an escapee from the Manor Spa.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah, well, that's exactly what I am.
Clarky: Then I advise a pint of Old Curmudgeon; five point one ABV, and it'll bring down a soya bean at two hundred yards.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, that sounds perfect.
Clarky: And if you're peckish, we do a *Re*-tox menu.

[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: This is weird.
Cully Barnaby: It is. So, Dad, what now?
DCI Tom Barnaby: What now? I'm going to have my cake and eat it.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [Reading sign to Joyce] 'Your tranquility is ours.' What does that mean?

Cloud: You've got a birthday coming up.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Doesn't everybody?

Cloud: If you want to see something clearly, you should look in the opposite direction. It's a zen thing.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [Condescendingly] Of course, it is.

"Midsomer Murders: Vixen's Run (#9.3)" (2006)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Let your fox run free today, and you can hunt him again tomorrow.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Lady Annabel says that you dropped in on her for a cocoa round about midnight.
Teddy Butler: Oh, really? Oh, well, if Annabel says it, it must be true.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, don't you remember yourself?
Teddy Butler: Yesterday is another country, Mr. Barnaby. Borders are now closed.

Michael Butler: I killed Sandra.
Lady Tara Butler: Michael!
DCI Tom Barnaby: And why, why would you do that?
Michael Butler: Because she was ghastly, and I'm an awfully good shot.

DC Ben Jones: [Looking at youthful picture of Lady Lucinda] Whoo! She was quite tasty!
DCI Tom Barnaby: Wasn't she, Jones? Terrible what 30 years of fags and booze can do, no?

DCI Tom Barnaby: [Referring to Sir Freddy] Maybe he found the legendary Haddington emeralds.
Cully Barnaby: Do they actually exist?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, that's why they're legendary.

[last lines]
Lady Annabel Butler: Are those leaves beginning to turn already? I probably won't see any more summers in Haddington.
DCI Tom Barnaby: No.
Lady Annabel Butler: You haven't asked me about Freddy's death.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, that was natural causes.
Lady Annabel Butler: Yes. Yes, of course it was.

"Midsomer Murders: Blood on the Saddle (#13.3)" (2010)
[last lines]
DS Ben Jones: You took a hell of a risk. He could have shot you as soon as you stepped into the yard.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, no no, Jones, that's not the way it works. He called me out, so he had to wait for me to draw first. Code of the West.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Lipstick, Jones, lipstick. Sometimes more lethal than a bullet! Take a couple of potshots at him.
DS Ben Jones: They're blanks.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, we know that, but he doesn't

Jack Fincher: Private matter.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Murder has just been committed. Nothing is private.

DCI Tom Barnaby: The local archive is a cross between a rat's nest and a teenager's bedroom.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Tell me Mr. Burbage; what is it all about? What is this fascination with the Old West, then?
Adam Burbage: Life's dull, don't you think? One thing after another. Then you die. A bit of romance. A bit of adventure. A bit of fantasy, if you like. Why not?

"Midsomer Murders: The Sword of Guillaume (#13.1)" (2010)
DCI John Barnaby: [about Lady Matilda] Talk about a dinosaur,
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah, got one in every village, John. They deter social change.
DCI John Barnaby: That one would deter evolution.

[last lines]
Lady Matilda William: Well, things to be done. Duties. Always duties. You will excuse us.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Lady Matilda.
Lady Matilda William: Come along, Richard. People to visit; gardens to tend.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [When Jenny asks a favor of Barnaby and puts her hand on his kneee, he removes it] That's not really my area.

DCI John Barnaby: [Referring to the decapitated Dagliesh] So, uh, starting with the obvious, did this Dagliesh have any enemies?
DCI Tom Barnaby: God, John, he had ONLY enemies.
DCI John Barnaby: So he won't be missed?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Heh, no. They'll be dancing in the streets.
DCI John Barnaby: [Sarcastically] Log it in as a shaving accident then.

Rev Giles Shawcross: [Turning to Barnaby, who is sitting next to him on the bus] Have you ever been really terrified?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [Tongue-in-cheek] Not until now, Giles.

"Midsomer Murders: The Axeman Cometh (#10.4)" (2007)
DCI Tom Barnaby: How old do you think I am?
DS Ben Jones: I don't know. I've done speed-dating, not carbon dating.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Jones, this is Detective Inspector Jenkins. I was to him what you are to me.
D.I. Owen Jenkins: Bloody useless.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [to Gary] Could I speak to you alone, please?
James Hobson: Mr Cooper prefers me to be present.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Let me rephrase that. Could I speak to you alone, please? Either here or at the station; I'm not fussed.

[last lines]
Jack 'Axeman' McKinley: They don't even care. Like you don't care. Morality, redemption, nah. Not on your beat, huh? Not on your beat.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Shall we go?

DCI Tom Barnaby: Another thing Owen told me: never expose yourself until you've confirmed the relative positions of your arse and your elbow.

"Midsomer Murders: Four Funerals and a Wedding (#9.5)" (2006)
DC Ben Jones: I thought you were keen to get off.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Not particularly. Mrs Barnaby's mother's staying for a couple of days.
DC Ben Jones: Ah.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Cully's turning up, too. It'll be two days of lurid medical discussions, and the footie, if permitted at all, 'll be on the portable in the bedroom.

Muriel: The society's still going strong, I believe, and the centrepiece is the Skimmington Ride.
DCI Tom Barnaby: As I understand it, that ride is a barbaric medieval ritual, revived by the Skimmington ladies to humiliate their menfolk.
Muriel: Yes. I'd really rather like to see it.
Cully Barnaby: Unmissable.
Muriel: There. That's settled.

[DC Jones has been collecting DNA samples]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Successful afternoon?
DC Ben Jones: Like blood out of a stone, sir. And that was the easy bit.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Time to go.
Lorna Hastings: Thank you.

Bystander: He's been shot!
[Everyone turns to look at DCI Tom Barnaby, who is holding a starter's pistol]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well don't look at me!

"Midsomer Murders: Shot at Dawn (#11.1)" (2008)
DS Ben Jones: You don't have to look quite so smug, sir.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Of course I *do*. It's one of the perks of experience.

[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: How did you get His Honour to do this for free?
DCI Tom Barnaby: His Honour is doing this out of the kindness of his heart.
Joyce Barnaby: That is nice.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, I thought so.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Feuding's an Olympic sport around here.

DCI Tom Barnaby: It seems that lack of respect for the mayor is endemic in our wayward community.

DS Ben Jones: So what's in there?
[reaches for box lid]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Hey-ey-ey.
[stops Jones opening it]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Do you know what a MacGuffin is?
DS Ben Jones: No.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, it's one of them.

"Midsomer Murders: Death of a Hollow Man (#1.3)" (1998)
[first lines]
D.C.I. Barnaby: You'll give yourself indigestion.

Sergeant Troy: I suppose there's no way he could be in the frame, old Mr Tibbs?
D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, for God's sake, Troy.
Sergeant Troy: He *was* backstage.
D.C.I. Barnaby: If that's all it takes, so was I.
Sergeant Troy: Yeah, but you're not one sandwich short of a picnic.

D.C.I. Barnaby: Can you believe that anyone would commit murder for the sake of the theater?

[last lines]
D.C.I. Barnaby, Joyce Barnaby, Cully Barnaby, Nicholas Bentley: The theater!

D.C.I. Barnaby: What an utterly useless waste of a day!
Sergeant Troy: Oh, I don't know, sir... We've cleared quite a few people out of the way.
D.C.I. Barnaby: We've cleared so many people out of the way, we've got no suspects left!

"Midsomer Murders: Sins of Commission (#7.4)" (2004)
DCI Tom Barnaby: No flirting on duty, Casanova.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Not really my style, Sir.
[Scott turns to Barnaby]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Casanova?

[Barnaby and Scott have returned to a murder victim's bedroom]
DCI Tom Barnaby: [looking around] You noticed what else is missing, Detective?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Sympathy, Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No.
[Barnaby points to a low shelf attached to the wall]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Look. No piggy bank.

[visiting a bookshop, Scott is told the book he is looking at is on sale for £12.99]
Sergeant Dan Scott: That's five pints and change over the way.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Literature is priceless, Scott. Let that thought console you!

Barnaby: Do you smoke cigars, Miss Tripp?
Jezebel Tripp: I have the odd one when nobody's looking. Smoking's so 20th Century.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: I was right about the publishing world; it stinks. But I'm sure a jury'll go for Camilla's plea of self-defense. Do my best to back her up, anyway.
Joyce Barnaby: I'm sure you will.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Eh. To Camilla Crofton! May she live forever. Nostrovia.

"Midsomer Murders: The Made-to-Measure Murders (#13.2)" (2010)
DS Ben Jones: Well, something's not right. The vicar says she was going to confess; they say she wasn't.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, that's religion for you, Jones. Brings out the irrational in people.

DS Ben Jones: This village is weird.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Jones, they're *all* weird.

DCI Tom Barnaby: I have plenty of suits, thank you.
Beatrice Daniels: Are they all like this?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Hm? Why? Wha- wha- what's wrong with this?
Beatrice Daniels: Oh, nothing; it's just... well, maybe, peaked lapels would suit you better, and um, you need a little more structure across the shoulders; sleeves are too long, you want to flash a bit of shirtcuff, don't you; and you need a higher waist. And a little more taper in the trousers perhaps. But I mean apart from that it's, um... great.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Hello, Joyce!
Joyce Barnaby: Uh! Tom! How *could* you? That's *my* tweed.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, I'm very sorry, Mrs Barnaby, but it is now *my* tweed. Anyway, the only question is: should I go for a ticket pocket? What do you reckon, yes or no?

DCI Tom Barnaby: Fathers and sons... it's complicated stuff.
Luke Woodley: Yeah, complicated... that's the word.

"Midsomer Murders: The Killings at Badger's Drift (#1.1)" (1997)
D.C.I. Barnaby: [to Troy] You are as politically correct as a Nuremberg rally.

[Barnaby has just finished a phone conversation with Troy]
Joyce Barnaby: Was that Sergeant Troy just now?
D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes.
Joyce Barnaby: I'd like to meet him one day.
D.C.I. Barnaby: No, you wouldn't.

D.C.I. Barnaby: You wouldn't think, would you, one small village could have so much trouble bubbling away unto the surface.

Sergeant Troy: How the other half live, eh?
D.C.I. Barnaby: Rather less than half, I'd say, Troy.

[last lines]
D.C.I. Barnaby: Annabella!

"Midsomer Murders: Country Matters (#9.6)" (2006)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Funnily enough, Rose Southerly once asked *me* if I'd like to help out at the cookery school.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Doing what, exactly?
Joyce Barnaby: I'm not sure. I wouldn't want to act out that perfect wife stuff; God knows I get enough of that at home. And I couldn't do Celia Patchett's damsel in distress act. Ugh, so demeaning. But Ginny Lamington's routine, dishing out a bit of discipline, *that* I could handle.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Really?

Rev. Suze: It's so important to talk things through without being judged, I think.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I do so agree. I was hoping that, uh, we could talk through the fact that you didn't tell us you went for a jog on Monday afternoon.
Rev. Suze: Oh God, I knew this would happen.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I'm sure God knows all about it, but I don't.

Rose Southerly: You must have a very low opinion of me, Inspector.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, I'm a policeman, Mrs. Southerly. I leave the judging to someone else.

Rev. Suze: I'm pretty oblivious when I'm jogging.
[Pointing skyward]
Rev. Suze: Quality time with the boss, you see.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Sorry?
Rev. Suze: [Condescendingly] Prayer, Inspector. We still do it, you know.
[to Jones and Barnaby as she starts off]
Rev. Suze: Catch you later, guys.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [Deadpan] Yes. Catch you later.

"Midsomer Murders: Death in Disguise (#1.5)" (1998)
[after Craigie has been killed by a knife in the chest]
May Cuttle: Inspector, I know you think the master was probably murdered, but you are going about this in quite the wrong way!
D.C.I. Barnaby: And how would you describe his present situation?
Heather Beavers: Well, it's obvious. He's been astrally harvested.
[rolls her eyes]
D.C.I. Barnaby: Then how do you explain a carving knife stuck in his chest?
Heather Beavers: A celestial lance.
D.C.I. Barnaby: With "Made in Sheffield" stamped on it?

[finding that Craigie's hair is a wig]
Sergeant Troy: I said he was dodgy, right from the start!
D.C.I. Barnaby: Well, maybe, but wearing a wig is no reason to kill a man. With one or two notable exceptions.

D.C.I. Barnaby: Bad moment?
May Cuttle: No, no. Memories, inspector. Grief and joy... mixing like pork and mustard. Not that I've had pork in years.

D.C.I. Barnaby: Anything to worry about?
Dr. Bullard: In life Tom, almost always, but in this bloke's death, nothing.

"Midsomer Murders: Blood Wedding (#11.2)" (2008)
DS Ben Jones: Not very talkative, are they, the Fitzroys?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Old families, Jones. In a house this size there are many cupboards.
DS Ben Jones: And many skeletons.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: You OK?
Cully Barnaby: Can't see a bloody thing.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [as Dr Bullard shows him a photo] Old families, old secrets.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [to Jones] Spread a little panic. You're good at that.

"Midsomer Murders: Tainted Fruit (#4.6)" (2001)
DCI Tom Barnaby: When we were with you last, you gave the impression that your daughter may have had a few enemies.
Archie Townsend: There are a lot of people who would say that she left the world a worse place than when she came into it, but she was my daughter.

Sergeant Gavin Troy: [about Cherrie] There's no way she could be protecting Joan?
DCI Tom Barnaby: What, like some sort of Women's Institute Mafia?

DCI Tom Barnaby: Medlar jelly. Medlar...
Joyce Barnaby: What is it?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Someone described their friend as 'the meddler'. I wonder if she meant; one who meddles or the fruit?
Joyce Barnaby: There are quite a few trees over Malham way; in the bigger gardens. Quite popular locally.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [reading aloud] 'Medlars spread on straw ripen by their own corruption.'

[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Medlar jelly.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Mm?
Joyce Barnaby: Try some. Go on.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Hm. That's very nice. Perhaps you should, uh, save it for special occasions.
Joyce Barnaby: Well, that's really not necessary. We've got two dozen jars. Just tuck in.

"Midsomer Murders: Orchis Fatalis (#8.3)" (2005)
Margaret Winstanley: [reading from a ledger] "Sold to H.P. - for one hundred and fifty thousand pounds!"
DCI Tom Barnaby: Who's H.P.?
Sergeant Dan Scott: At that price it's probably Harry Potter.

DCI Tom Barnaby: How's Brother Robert getting on with his diary translation?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Let me put it this way, sir; up at the abbey they still tell the time with a sun dial.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [after Scott has broken into a safe using an axe] Where did you learn to do that?
Sergeant Dan Scott: School of hard locks.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Now, I'm going to surprise you all here. Lunch is on me.
[Cully gasps]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Chinese, anyone?

"Midsomer Murders: Bad Tidings (#7.2)" (2004)
[Barnaby and Sergeant Scott are looking at a brutally slain murder victim]
DCI Tom Barnaby: By the way, welcome to Midsomer!

[last lines]
Cully Barnaby: I've invited you all here because I didn't want to cancel, and I didn't want to come here alone. So...
Joyce Barnaby: That's understandable.
Cully Barnaby: Will you join me in a toast? To absent friends.
[they clink glasses]
DCI Tom Barnaby: To absent friends,

Sergeant Dan Scott: Is ah... is this it sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [looks around at his surroundings] I... I'm afraid it is.

Sergeant Dan Scott: What do they call this beer?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Real.

"Midsomer Murders: The Electric Vendetta (#4.3)" (2001)
Lloyd Kirby: How you goin' to arrest an extraterrestrial then?
DCI Tom Barnaby: If they're guilty, everyone has to come back down to Earth.
Sgt. Gavin Troy: [sarcastically] And in your case, Mr. Kirby, it'd be a very large bump.

Dave Hedges: [standing over dead body on autopsy table] You're right. He was electrocuted.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Whatever happened to good old-fashioned shooting?
Sgt. Gavin Troy: [sarcastically] Maybe this is the new green way to zap your victims - no blood, no guts, just fried brains.

Lloyd Kirby: This has nothing whatever to do with extraterrestrial forms of life.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I agree with you, Lloyd. This is murder.

Sgt. Gavin Troy: The wheat in the circles was burnt by butane gas. It comes in cylinders for gas blow torches. You can get it at any DIY store.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [ironically] Oh, not some derivative of kryptonite from the planet Zog?

"Midsomer Murders: Bantling Boy (#8.4)" (2005)
Angela Hartley: I shall have to sell Bantling Hall to settle my husband's debts. It's been in the family 500 years. Devastating loss!
DCI Tom Barnaby: More devastating than the loss of your son?
Angela Hartley: Frankly, Inspector, yes.

DCI Tom Barnaby: When did you last see Bruce Hartley?
Dr Osgood: At Causton Races... French-kissing a bottle of champagne, a bit chateaued I'm afraid.

Cully Barnaby: I have an audition.
Joyce Barnaby: Ah, that's great, Cully. What is it?
Cully Barnaby: Oh, to play Hero.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Shouldn't that be 'heroine'?
Cully Barnaby: No, Dad. Hero's a woman. Shakespeare. "Much Ado about Nothing."
DCI Tom Barnaby: Let's hope this time it isn't.

[last lines]
[the radio announces Bantling Boy's win]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes!
Sergeant Dan Scott: Have you had a bet on, Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: I have, Scott. I've made myself a nice little killing.

"Midsomer Murders: Death and Dust (#10.5)" (2007)
DS Ben Jones: I don't go there for three years, then twice in one week. I might get fond of the place. Apply for a transfer.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, don't say that, Jones. Got enough on me plate without losing you.
DS Ben Jones: That could almost have been a compliment.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Almost.

[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Supper in ten minutes.
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, make that half an hour; Simon and I are going to the Crown for a pint. Come on, young sir.
Cully Barnaby: [to Joyce] Now, that is what I call a result.
DCI Tom Barnaby: This patio may prove more expensive than I thought. Thank you.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Mrs. Hutton, how's the rat population in your neck of the woods then?
Dorothy Hutton: Dwindling.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Right, Jones. Hands out of your pockets, comb your hair, straighten your tie! We have been summoned!

"Midsomer Murders: Picture of Innocence (#10.6)" (2007)
DCI Tom Barnaby: And they say the camera never lies.
Lionel Bell: Cameras don't lie. People do.

DS Ben Jones: They found a diary on Bell's body. There's an entry for last night.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, the mystery visitor.
DS Ben Jones: Apparently so.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Who was it?
DS Ben Jones: You, sir.

Philomena Bell: It drove dad mad. She'd leave us, then come back, then leave again. She couldn't live with him, she couldn't live without him. Seb says it's the modern disease.
DCI Tom Barnaby: What is?
Philomena Bell: Chronic dissatisfaction.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [chuckles] Well, he's right!

"Midsomer Murders: Death in a Chocolate Box (#10.8)" (2007)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Who's this character you're playing?
Cully Barnaby: Varya.
DCI Tom Barnaby: And what is she?
Cully Barnaby: She is Madam Ranevsky's eldest daughter; wants to join a convent to become a nun, and has got a thing about needing to be helpful, but in fact just ends up driving everybody mad.
DCI Tom Barnaby: And the director thought that was you?
Cully Barnaby: Yup.
[they both laugh]

[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Is that a tear?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, I was just wondering how I might feel if I went in tomorrow morning and asked for a few days leave.
Joyce Barnaby: Leave!
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah, just you and me together go away somewhere for a while.
Joyce Barnaby: You mean somewhere like... Bournemouth?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, I don't mean somewhere like Bournemouth. I thought, if they're going away to New Zealand for a honeymoon, why don't we beat them to it?

DS Ben Jones: You know what I realized?
DCI Tom Barnaby: What do you realize?
DS Ben Jones: We caught the woman who put the psycho into psychotherapy.

"Midsomer Murders: Left for Dead (#11.3)" (2008)
DCI Tom Barnaby: I want you to do it.
DS Ben Jones: What?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Be best man.
DS Ben Jones: [ironically] "But before I toast the bridesmaids, I'd like to arrest the bride and groom."
DCI Tom Barnaby: If that's what it takes.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: She's waited nineteen years for this. No harm in giving her a few minutes more.
Lynne Fox: Thank you.

Lynne Fox: I suppose you must think of me as one of your chief suspects.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Now why would I do that?
Lynne Fox: Three bodies in two days and I discovered them all.

"Midsomer Murders: Midsomer Rhapsody (#8.8)" (2005)
DCI Tom Barnaby: [about Noah Farrow] If he's still got that amount of hate in him, imagine what he must have been like thirty-odd years ago when he was, when he was capable!

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Find him a cell, Scott, and when he can make a sensible statement, charge him.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Yes, sir.

DCI Tom Barnaby: He was respected and admired, Scott, because he encouraged and inspired so many people, including the great Joan Alder.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Joan Alder? 'Midsomer Rhapsody'?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Do you know that piece?
Sergeant Dan Scott: My mum was a fan. She played it when she wanted us out of the house.

"Midsomer Murders: Small Mercies (#12.5)" (2009)
DCI Tom Barnaby: [Referring to the corpse's stab wound] How much force was used?
Dr Bullard: None was needed. As I've said so many times before, our Creator was guilty of a few design faults when he made human beings. Vital organs too close to the surface of the skin.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, but, George, he gave us a brain to compensate.
Dr Bullard: That was the biggest design fault of all.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [Referring to the village of Little worthy] You see, Jones, you look at this. You'd think you were in some kind of rural paradise, but how wrong you'd be!

Dr Bullard: As I've said so many times before; our creator was guilty of a few design faults when he made human beings. Vital organs too close too the surface of the skin.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, but George, he gave us a brain to compensate.
Dr Bullard: That was the biggest design fault of all.

"Midsomer Murders: Beyond the Grave (#3.4)" (2000)
D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: [to a dog] You are sitting in my chair. And you're probably wearing my socks, aren't you, eh?

D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: Rule number... where are we up to now?
Nico: Uh, seven, sir.
D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: Rule number seven. Never use the indicator. Keeps the other drivers on their toes. Is that right, Troy?

[last lines]
D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: Ghost! What's the world coming to, Joyce? Half a paragraph on the crime, and a whole page on something that doesn't exist.

"Midsomer Murders: They Seek Him Here (#10.7)" (2007)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Your informant has got to be right, hasn't he, about Ince setting up a job. What other interest could he have in a stately home?
DS Ben Jones: Maybe he's come for a dose of culture and the guided tour. Although George does prefer to guide himself around places like this.
DCI Tom Barnaby: And usually by torchlight when there's no-one else about.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: I think he'd be very pleased, very proud, if he could hear you saying that.
DS Ben Jones: Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, obviously he saved his best performance for last.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Tight budet... this film?
Jack Braxton: Like a tourniquet.

"Midsomer Murders: Dark Autumn (#4.5)" (2001)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Why does everyone in this village seem to be "at it?"

Owen August: [resentful of questions] Look, whatever you think, this is my personal business you're prying into.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Your wife had affairs with two men. These two men are now dead, so what do you expect us to think?

DCI Tom Barnaby: [asking about his hill walking] Sure you don't come home after setting out, hide yourself away somewhere, and pretend you've been out on a walk?
Owen August: Why would I do that?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Do you ever come home early?
Owen August: [taking offense] Now, look...
DCI Tom Barnaby: Not even on the odd occasion?
Owen August: No, any wa...
Owen August: [his eyes drop with embarrassment, he bites his lip, and laughs to himself ironically] I only return early when my wife is 'entertaining.'... I... like... to listen. She knows I like to listen... Is that a crime?

"Midsomer Murders: Sauce for the Goose (#8.7)" (2005)
Sergeant Dan Scott: [notices that Barnaby is looking at him while he is talking to a pretty suspect at a bar and says defensively] It's not what you're thinking, sir!
DCI Tom Barnaby: You don't know what I'm thinking!

Dr. Stannard: Have you met Anselm?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Indeed I have!
Dr. Stannard: Well, I wouldn't let that one near my loose change!

[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: I bought you a new jar of *this*.
[shows him a jar of Plummer's Relish]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, thank you. But you shouldn't have bothered.
Joyce Barnaby: I thought it was your favourite.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, it was, but it isn't any more. I think they changed the recipe.
[he bins it]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Sorry.

"Midsomer Murders: The Dogleg Murders (#12.1)" (2009)
[Dr Bullard is examining the body of Alistair Kingslake]
Dr Bullard: Beaten to death with a one iron. What a way to go. This hole's famous, you know. I played it once - got a quadruple bogey. It's known as Crisp's Folly.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Crisp's what?
Dr Bullard: Folly. Chap called Crisp lost his house on a bet, playing this hole. It's got a ninety-degree dogleg, you see. You take a driver from the tee and you're liable to end in the jungle, but with an iron you might not get a shot at the green.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [sarcastically] Well, that's absolutely fascinating, George, but I don't speak golf.

Joyce Barnaby: It was good fun when we used to play tennis.
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, it was not. Rose-tinted spectacles there, Joyce.
Joyce Barnaby: I loved that club. Don't know why we ever left.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, uh, apart from the snobbery and the extortionate fees, there was also the small matter of me arresting the treasurer for murdering his mistress.
Joyce Barnaby: Details, details.

Eileen Fountain: What was it you wanted again?
DCI Tom Barnaby: I wanted a word with Colin, if I may.
Eileen Fountain: Colin? What about?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, it's nothing very much.
Eileen Fountain: Well, he just popped out as you saw.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Ah, yes, well, he can't have gone very far, can he, so I'll take a look.
Eileen Fountain: He might be feein' the pig. I'll take you.
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, don't you trouble yourself. Don't worry. I'll follow my nose.

"Midsomer Murders: The Noble Art (#13.6)" (2010)
Joyce Barnaby: Iris Holman is in love with Giles Braithwaite.
DCI Tom Barnaby: How do you know that?
Joyce Barnaby: Oh, you'd have to be blind not to see it. Or a man.

[Jones is hammering the knocker on a door]
DCI Tom Barnaby: I think you should apply more force.
DS Ben Jones: I'm knocking as hard as I can, sir.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Kick the door down.
DS Ben Jones: Oh!

[last lines]
DS Ben Jones: He got his son's wife pregnant, and gambled away his family fortune, and people like him.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I certainly did.
DS Ben Jones: Yeah. You did screw up, didn't you, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes. Killed two people; carried out those murders meticulously, clinically, right under my nose. What kind of a man does that?
DS Ben Jones: J.P. A pillar of the community.
DCI Tom Barnaby: And certainly not one of us at all.

"Midsomer Murders: The Great and the Good (#12.7)" (2009)
DCI Tom Barnaby: The first time that sleepwalking was used as a defence at a murder trial was Massachusetts, USA, 1846 when a certain Albert Tirrell was charged with murdering a - "a lady of the night" having set fire to her brothel. Hnh. He got off scot-free.
DS Ben Jones: Be different if he set fire to a nunnery.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, so young and so cynical.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: We can hope we get a decent night's sleep tonight.
Joyce Barnaby: I wouldn't count on it.

DCI Tom Barnaby: The show must go on must it?
Jane Menzies: Frobisher night has never been cancelled. The good causes do rely on us. And, well, there's just too much invested.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Very expensive is it?
Jane Menzies: Howard Richardson's guaranteeing the fee.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Ah, the millionaire benefactor.
Jane Menzies: Yes. Though I'm not quite sure how many of his millions he has.
[exchanging a knowing glance with Barnaby]
Jane Menzies: Well, some trophy wives are just more high-maintenance than others.

"Midsomer Murders: The Animal Within (#10.2)" (2007)
DS Ben Jones: Odds on it's loin-instigated; got to be. If it involved Rex. I don't know if it's got anything to do with anything.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Loin-instigated.

DS Ben Jones: Black and white. I suppose that makes it erotica rather than porn. Very tasteful. A bit of extra-curricular photography. Never realized they had such adventurous sex in those days.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Ooh, that's when it was invented, Jones, in the sixties. Do you know nothing?

[last lines]
DS Ben Jones: I think Miss Bailey and Mrs Alexander are going to have a pretty good time.
DCI Tom Barnaby: What, in a loin-instigated sort of way?
DS Ben Jones: I hope so.
DCI Tom Barnaby: It's certainly on the cards.

"Midsomer Murders: The Green Man (#7.1)" (2003)
[last lines]
Sergeant Gavin Troy: Thank you, sir. I mean, thank you for everything, over the years. I don't think I'd be where I am if... Well, you know what I mean.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Ah, rubbish. Admittedly it took me a long time to get you trained, but when I'd finally done it... Now I know how much I've, uh, I've relied on you, Troy.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Midsomer will miss you.
Sergeant Gavin Troy: And I'll miss Midsomer.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Good luck.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Birkett... I know that name!
Sergeant Gavin Troy: Oh, he'd a been around in your time.
DCI Tom Barnaby: It is still my time, Troy!

"Midsomer Murders: Ghosts of Christmas Past (#7.7)" (2004)
DCI Tom Barnaby: [going to his car] Do not feel just because it's Christmas, you can't give us a call, OK? Anything serious happens, I want to know about it, understood?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Yeah, got the message, sir. What are you looking for, an escape from the in-laws?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [turning around and giving him a knowing wink] Now, don't you overdo this evening, all right? Things have a habit of happening around Christmas time, and you may have to be razor sharp in the morning.

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Any chance of a mince pie, Joyce?
Joyce Barnaby: In the oven. There's brandy butter and cream on the side.

"Midsomer Murders: Destroying Angel (#4.2)" (2001)
D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: ...and the kitchen staff can confirm that you were here?
Tristan Goodfellow: ...until 10:30, and then Julia Gooders can confirm I was in the meeting with her, so just when I was getting changed that I was alone - about 10 minutes.
Sergeant Gavin Troy: You didn't have any help from Mrs. Chambers then, sir?
Tristan Goodfellow: Not on that particular occasions, but you're right, I do like Susan to undress me whenever possible. She's rather an expert.

Sergeant Gavin Troy: [mildly shocked to see Salter answering the door clad only in a woman's apron] I'm not sure that's legal, sir.
Colin Salter: A man can dress as he wishes in his own home.
D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: [clearly uncomfortable] Would you mind putting something on, Mr. Salter, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

"Midsomer Murders: King's Crystal (#10.3)" (2007)
DS Ben Jones: I find Shakespeare a bit hard going, to be honest with you, sir. Bit of a snore.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah, well, four hours on a stone seat in the open air, that'll be hard going all right.
DS Ben Jones: Four hours!
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes, well, unfortunately, Jones, brevity was never the soul of Shakespeare's wit.
DS Ben Jones: Yeah. Sentences longer than Judge Lloyd's.

[last lines]
DS Ben Jones: I appreciated your trust over the Mason's thing.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, trust, Jones, is something hard to win, easy to lose, and never to be taken lightly.
DS Ben Jones: William Shakespeare, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No. Thomas Barnaby.

"Midsomer Murders: Not in My Back Yard (#13.7)" (2011)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, the cause of death seems obvious.
Dr. Bullard: If causes of death were *ever* obvious you wouldn't need me, would you?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, Dr. Bullard - I await the full results of your postmortem examination with anticipated delight, but - might you expedite our investigation by honoring us with a speculative hypothesis?
Dr. Bullard: Occlusion of the carotid artery leading to severe brain damage due to hypoxia... just a guess.

Major David Walsh: I'm excercising my rights to silence.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, don't excercise it too hard. It's not what it used to be.

"Midsomer Murders: The Silent Land (#13.4)" (2010)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Tom? What is it?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Ah, nothing. Let's go home.

DCI Tom Barnaby: This must have been a bust community... full of hope, full of despair.

"Midsomer Murders: Faithful unto Death (#1.4)" (1998)
D.C.I. Barnaby: You really don't have a soft pedal when it comes to the English language, do you, Troy?

[DCI Barnaby and Sgt. Troy are discussing the case while Troy is driving]
D.C.I. Barnaby: I'll tell you what does frighten me though.
Sergeant Troy: What's that?
D.C.I. Barnaby: Your driving has improved. I saw you look in the mirror.

"Midsomer Murders: A Talent for Life (#6.1)" (2003)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Surely he tested the door if his life depended on it.
Sgt Gavin Troy: Maybe it didn't occur to him.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well he'd have been very stupid not to have double-checked that, wouldn't he?
Sgt Gavin Troy: Well, there's nothing to say murderers have to be members of Mensa, sir.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Do you see a lesson in all of this?
Sgt Gavin Troy: Always follow your first instinct.

DCI Tom Barnaby: I couldn't help noticing the Vegetarian Society magazine. Are you a member?
Angela Goff: Yes. Why?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Just curious. I know your husband was a keen fisherman and did a bit of shooting.
Angela Goff: We had a 'live and let live' household.
DCI Tom Barnaby: You didn't eat the trout he caught then?
Angela Goff: Fish may not be the cleverest of God's creatures, but to class them as vegetables is a little unkind.

"Midsomer Murders: The Creeper (#12.6)" (2009)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: What about The Creeper?
DCI Tom Barnaby: The Creeper, Joyce, well, the case is still open, but I have a feeling The Creeper won't be bothering us again.
Joyce Barnaby: How do you know?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Instinct, Joyce. Instinct.

Isobel Chettham: You never give up, do you?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, it's irritating, isn't it, my lady.

"Midsomer Murders: The Magician's Nephew (#11.5)" (2008)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Don't tell Mrs. Barnaby about this. It might give her some expensive ideas for Halloween.

[Cully holds up her father's Halloween costume]
Cully Barnaby: Will you please try this on?
DCI Tom Barnaby: What's that?
Joyce Barnaby: You didn't think you were going to a Halloween party in jeans and slippers, did you, Tom?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [terrified] Oh, no.
Cully Barnaby, Joyce Barnaby: [together] Oh, yes!

"Midsomer Murders: Master Class (#13.5)" (2010)
DCI Tom Barnaby: What's that you're reading?
Joyce Barnaby: It's a biography of Sir Francis Galton.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Ohhhhh, the fingerprint man.
Joyce Barnaby: Among other things. he had some very dubious ideas about genetics.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Hm?
Joyce Barnaby: He believed that imperfections could be bred out of a population. Apart from you, his biggest fans seem to have been the Nazis.

[last lines]
Middle Aged Woman: That's really lovely. Wonderful. Do you know anything by Lionel Richie?
Benedict Marsh: Three Times a Lady?
DCI Tom Barnaby: [Barnaby enters with Joyce and sees him] Fancy take-away?

"Midsomer Murders: Dead Letters (#9.2)" (2006)
DC Ben Jones: She died of natural causes, sir, or do you think we've got some seriously dodgy doctor on our hands?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, he's not like any doctor I've ever known, and he knows much more than he's told us.

[last lines]
DC Ben Jones: Sounds like life goes on in Midsomer Barton.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes.

"Midsomer Murders: The Glitch (#12.4)" (2009)
Daniel Snape: [Referring to Joyce's bicycle] Fine machine though. They don't make 'em like this anymore.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I never know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, hmmm.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [to Bullard] I don't believe the driver ever got out of the car. I think that he... or she reversed like you said and then drove over Emily deliberately. No accident... we're looking at first degree murder.

"Midsomer Murders: Murder on St. Malley's Day (#5.4)" (2002)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Smothered by a meat pudding, flattened by the roller and bashed about the head. Not necessarily in that order.
Sergeant Gavin Troy: Think it could be accidental, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: No time for jokes, Troy.

Anthony Talbot: Boy comes in here to help, and what do you do? - Make a string of vile insinuations!
DCI Tom Barnaby: Making inquiries, Mr. Talbot, not insinuations.
Anthony Talbot: I hope you're not one of those chip on the soldier types who always takes the criminal's side, Barnaby.
DCI Tom Barnaby: No, I'm one of those 'let's do the job properly' types.

"Midsomer Murders: Dead Man's Eleven (#2.3)" (1999)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Every time I go into any Midsomer village it's always the same thing: blackmail, sexual deviances, suicide, and murder. How could you possibly expect me to go and live in one of them?

[Barnaby and Troy have just spotted Joyce Barnaby house hunting]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, please Lord. Not Fletcher's Cross.

"Midsomer Murders: Garden of Death (#4.1)" (2000)
Daniel Bolt: Any progress?
DCI Tom Barnaby: We are pursuing several lines of inquiry, Mr. Bolt!

Naomi Inkpen: I find your manner and your insinuations extremely offensive.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [after a pause in which he measures his reaction] And I have to say, I'm not entirely overwhelmed by the courtesy of your reply.

"Midsomer Murders: Market for Murder (#5.1)" (2002)
[last lines]
[DCI Barnaby has just discovered his pension fund is in trouble]
Sergeant Gavin Troy: Funny thing happened the other day, sir.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Go on, Troy, cheer me up.
Sergeant Gavin Troy: Lord Chetwood put me on to this chap. He's a collector, he collects comics.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Really.
Sergeant Gavin Troy: Anyway, he phoned up and asked me about 'The Hawk'; I've got 'em all, you see, from the first issue, and they're in *really* good condition. Anyway, this collector wants to buy them. And you'll never guess how much he's offered. It's amazing! Go on, sir, have a guess.

DCI Tom Barnaby: Sergeant Troy does sometimes make a stab at humor. This is not one of those occasions.

"Midsomer Murders: Written in Blood (#1.2)" (1998)
[last lines]
D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, yes, I'm going to make your life hell.

Cully Barnaby: [Cully introduces her cute kitten to her parents] His name's Killmouskie, he's a Russian Blue.
D.C.I. Barnaby: He's yours?
Cully Barnaby: Yeah, I sort of adopted him.
D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh don't tell me you're looking for new foster parents.
Cully Barnaby: Well it's just while I'm away. He's very clean, he won't be any trouble. I'll bring you some Polish Vodka.

"Midsomer Murders: The Straw Woman (#7.6)" (2004)
[talking about alternative medicine and its remedies]
Scott: People pay for stuff like that?
Barnaby: Things you buy from a proper chemist - they're just a purified version.
Scott: Oh sure. "Doctor, it's my throat." "Never mind, madam. Suck a frog three times a day after meals."

[last lines]
Kate Malpas: Do you know why that pub's called 'The Oak'?
Barnaby: No.
Kate Malpas: Used to be an old tree in that spot. The first Katherine Malpas was hanged there, with all the other so-called witches.
Barnaby: Hanged?
Kate Malpas: There were no witches burned in this village; only straw women. Still, everyone loves a good bonfire, eh.

"Midsomer Murders: The Black Book (#12.2)" (2009)
[last lines]
Joyce Barnaby: Oh, Tom, what a lovely present! A course on Hogson; how thoughtful of you.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I knew you'd like it.
Joyce Barnaby: I shall look forward to it. That Matilda Simms is so interesting.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes, she is.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [to Arlington] That book has killed two people. Better go home, sir, before it kills you.

"Midsomer Murders: Midsomer Life (#11.4)" (2008)
[last lines]
Dr. Bullard: And he confessed all to Joyce?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Yes.
Dr. Bullard: Handy having a wife to do all your hard work for you.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Unh.
Dr. Bullard: It's the talk of the station, Tom. And, talking of burning things to a crisp, I think your Cumberlands need turning.

DCI Tom Barnaby: [Walking to the back door after getting no answer from the front] Good afternoon.
[She doesn't respond]
DCI Tom Barnaby: You didn't answer.
Christina Finleyson: I was hoping you'd go away, if I'm particularly honest.

"Midsomer Murders: Second Sight (#8.5)" (2005)
DCI Tom Barnaby: And what are you doing living in a caravan with Romany Rose?
Lucky Lol Tanner: It's not illegal, is it? We've been shacked up since she arrived, to tell the truth. I have this - er - weakness for Northern gypsies. You've got to admit it, she's a very good-looking woman.
DCI Tom Barnaby: She's also got two dead husbands.
Lucky Lol Tanner: Bet they died happy 'n all.

"Midsomer Murders: Death's Shadow (#2.1)" (1999)
D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: Murder on the Orient Express? Been done.

"Midsomer Murders: Birds of Prey (#6.5)" (2003)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Joyce, what have you done?
Joyce Barnaby: Since you were never going to look seriously at the brochures, I took the dates, and Cully did it. We're booked. We're going to Botswana in April.
[passes him the brochure]
Joyce Barnaby: Here's to our holiday.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Joyce, looks as if these people are sitting on top of an elephant.
Joyce Barnaby: That's right. It's an elephant-back safari. Won't it be wonderful! Cheers.

"Midsomer Murders: The House in the Woods (#9.1)" (2005)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: [as the kettle starts to whistle] Now, that's the music I like to hear, and I could murder...
Joyce Barnaby: Tom!
DCI Tom Barnaby: What?
Jack Magwood: Anyone for tea?

"Midsomer Murders: Blood Will Out (#2.4)" (1999)
D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: [seeing Troy] What news from the front?

"Midsomer Murders: Who Killed Cock Robin? (#4.4)" (2001)
DCI Tom Barnaby: Last I heard you were living the life of Riley down in Costa Blanca.
Melvyn Stockard: Yeah, well, it's amazing what a triple bypass operation will do for a man's view of himself.

"Midsomer Murders: Blue Herrings (#3.2)" (2000)
Sergeant Gavin Troy: Who wants to live to be 89?
D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: Somone who's 88.

"Midsomer Murders: Things That Go Bump in the Night (#8.1)" (2004)
Barnaby: I'm not 100% certain about your interview technique, Scott. But it certainly gets results.
Scott: Thank you, sir.
Barnaby: That's something you picked up at the Met, is it?
Scott: Could be.
Barnaby: Do you want to go back there?
Scott: No. I quite like it here.
Barnaby: Good.
Scott: Yeah. I think I might change my job, though.
Barnaby: Hmmm?
Scott: Well, there's a shortage of funeral directors in the area. I could make a fortune.

"Midsomer Murders: The Fisher King (#7.3)" (2004)
[last lines]
Scott: I never realized archaeology was such a dangerous business. Is the body count always this high around here, sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: It has been remarked upon.
Scott: Three murders just to relabel an object in a glass case.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, there's more to it, Scott, than merely relabelling. It was a lie; now it's the truth.

"Midsomer Murders: A Worm in the Bud (#5.2)" (2002)
[leaving courthouse]
Sergeant Gavin Troy: Where do they get these judges from? The man burgled his way through every village in the county.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Look, we catch the criminals; we offer up the evidence. Not everyone likes what happens in court. Maybe the judge was right; give the boy one more chance. Oh, look. A squadron of pigs over Causton.

"Midsomer Murders: Hidden Depths (#8.6)" (2005)
[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: You might be hurting a little bit too, Scott, once Zara is finished with you. I don't think that girl is as meek as you think she is.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Oh no, she's a, she's a shy one, sir. Bet you can tell. Anyway, I think being locked in the cellar all night by a triple murderer is a better excuse than saying the car broke down, there was no signal on the mobile. Oh, Zara...
Zara: Before you say anything, I'm really sorry about last night, but the car broke down; I was stuck for hours.
Sergeant Dan Scott: What?
Zara: I did try my mobile, but I couldn't get a signal; it's just...
Sergeant Dan Scott: That's okay. No worries. It's fine.
Zara: I've got a friend that might like to go out with you.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Really? Thanks anyway.
[Zara walks over to another guy and kisses him]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, she'll take a long time to recover, Scott, no question.
[finishes his beer]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, I must be off.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Don't forget the yoghurt, sir.