Helena Peabody
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Quotes for
Helena Peabody (Character)
from "The L Word" (2004)

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"The L Word: Legend in the Making (#4.1)" (2007)
Waiter: Refill?
Helena Peabody: No, I don't think I can afford it.
Alice Pieszecki: Helena, it's free.

Helena Peabody: [tearing up to Alice] I had no idea it could feel this warm and fuzzy being poor.

Alice Pieszecki: What about your car? Wasn't your car worth like $300.000? I mean, you can live on that for like two years!
Helena Peabody: Maybe you could!

Helena Peabody: [Alice and Jenny are explaining the concept of the online version of The Chart to Helena.] Do you have to sleep with someone first?
Alice Pieszecki: Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie...
Helena Peabody: [to Jenny] You slept with Tina?
Jenny Schecter: Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina.
Alice Pieszecki: No, no, hypothetically.

Jenny Schecter: There's Gabby Deveaux.
Helena Peabody: Whoa, that's a lot of hookups.
Alice Pieszecki: [chirpily] Yeah, she's a whore.

Tina Kennard: Wow, are we really that untouchable?
Helena Peabody: What are you talking about?
Tina Kennard: You just backed away from us like we have some sort of heterosexual cootie.

Henry: Who's Aaron Kornbluth?
Tina Kennard: He's our new boss.
Helena Peabody: Meeting him on Wednesday.


"The L Word: Livin' La Vida Loca (#4.2)" (2007)
Shay McCutcheon: I think I'm gonna throw up.
Shane McCutcheon: Oh, umm... Look, the bathroom's right over there.
Helena Peabody: Shane...
Shane McCutcheon: What?
Helena Peabody: You should go with him.
Shane McCutcheon: What the hell am I supposed to do?
Bette Porter: Hold his hair.
Shane McCutcheon: He doesn't have any hair!

Helena Peabody: [seeing Alice emerge from Papi's limo] Well, well, well. Someone had a busy night.
Alice Pieszecki: Yeah, I was working.
Helena Peabody: Working?
Alice Pieszecki: Yeah, working pretty hard.
[Helena chuckles]

[last lines]
Helena Peabody: [emerging from the bushes with Papi] So, would you like to come back for a nightcap?
Papi: Uh... Rule number two: Never go home with a girl whose roommate you just bopped that same morning. But umm... thanks for the offer.

Helena Peabody: [about Aaron] He sent you to fire me?
Tina Kennard: It was a power trip. He's a scumbag.

Helena Peabody: I've never had an abortion. It must be so hard.


"The L Word: Least Likely (#6.2)" (2009)
[Helena attacks Dylan in the parking lot outside the nightclub]
Helena Peabody: I don't give a fuck whose idea it was to sue me! Yours or Danny's! The point is, you took part in it! You manipulated my emotions! You used me! You humiliated me, and you must be fucking insane to think you can just prance in here and act as if nothing ever happened, telling me that you're happy, telling me that you're out of the closet, telling me that you're oh, so sorry for destroying my fucking life! Fuck you!
Dylan Moreland: Thank you! Now I know you care.

Alice Pieszecki: Okay, so basically, that skankball Dylan Moreland almost ruined Helena's life. First, she pretended to be in love with her so she and her boyfriend, Danny, could sue Helena for sexual harassment and extort millions of dollars from her. Can you believe it? So... her mother gets so mad that she cuts Helena off, and she has to move in with me and become a cook.
Helena Peabody: I was a caterer.
Alice Pieszecki: Which was a disaster, and let's face it, Helena is used to a certain standard of living. She was born rich, with a gold spoon in her mouth. So, she meets this shady high-roller lady, named Catherine. They hook up, but she uses Helena and takes all her money, and when Helena takes it back, and we still don't know where she buried it, she gets arrested for embezzlement, thrown into prison, and has to share a cell with some killer!
Helena Peabody: Her name was Dusty, and she was in for tax fraud.
Alice Pieszecki: Fine! So, Helena's mother can't take it anymore. She bails Helena out of prison, but she doesn't want to live under her mother's thumb anymore, so she springs Dusty from jail, they go abroad to Taha, which she doesn't ever want to talk about since Dusty still hides out over there. So, it couldn't have been great, right?
Helena Peabody: Right.
Alice Pieszecki: Anyway, her mother gets stung by some jellyfish while scuba diving, and grants Helena's wealth back again. All of this because of this woman.
Tasha Williams: [to Helena] You want me to kick her ass?
Helena Peabody: No. Thank you.
Tasha Williams: You're a better person than me. I would beat a bitch down if she ever did something like that to me.


"The L Word: Lassoed (#4.3)" (2007)
Jenny Schecter: Why are you applying for a job as a receptionist?
Helena Peabody: I would pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects, otherwise I'm gonna be stuck here with Alice in this sweet little one bedroom.

Jenny Schecter: [playing Celebrity] I don't know who Terrell Owens is.
[All the straight people laugh and all the gay people draw blanks]
Henry: Football player.
Tina Kennard: Oh.
Straight Guy: He's the most talented receiver in football.
Straight Woman: And he appeared with a "Desperate Housewife" in a commercial. She dropped her towel.
Helena Peabody: The desperate... what?


"The L Word: Lifeline (#3.5)" (2006)
Alice Pieszecki: I think Uta might be a vampire
Helena Peabody: What?
Alice Pieszecki: Well have you seen her teeth? They're
Helena Peabody: [cuts Alice off] What?
Alice Pieszecki: Theyre sharp. Theyre...
[shows helena her neck]
Helena Peabody: That's a hickie.
Alice Pieszecki: I don't know.
[pauses]
Alice Pieszecki: I don't know.
Helena Peabody: Well.
[pulls out a mirror]
Helena Peabody: You know what they say about vampires. No reflection.
Alice Pieszecki: Oh!
Helena Peabody: Try.
Alice Pieszecki: Okay. Hey.
[to Uta who just walked over]
Helena Peabody: Okay.
[leaves scared by the look uta just gave her]
Alice Pieszecki: I think I got some thing in my teeth. I'll just...
[turns so the mirror faces uta]
Uta Refson: [ducks while Alice is turning]
Alice Pieszecki: [looking for uta in the mirror] Holy f*cking sh*t.
[turns around]
Uta Refson: [standing again] What? Oh, I just dropped my ring. Why don't we get out of here?
Alice Pieszecki: [has a scared/distrusing look on her face] Okay.


"The L Word: Loud & Proud (#2.11)" (2005)
[after Tina tells her she wants to start seeing Bette again]
Helena Peabody: [condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?


"The L Word: Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way (#3.9)" (2006)
Helena Peabody: Alice, you saw that.
Alice Pieszecki: She's kinda cute, right? Her name's Chandra.
Tina Kennard: Why don't you guys go out?


"The L Word: Look Out, Here They Come! (#5.2)" (2008)
Dusty: [They start to have sex in the prison cell, though Helena looks still a little frightened by Dusty] I haven't killed anyone!
Helena Peabody: You didn't?
Dusty: It was tax fraud!


"The L Word: Lesson Number One (#4.7)" (2007)
[Talking over whether Helena should have sex to erase her gambling debt, and whether she'd feel like a whore after]
Kit Porter: We all been there, one way or another. Once I gave a blow job to a horn player.
[Everybody gives Kit a funny look]
Kit Porter: [Explaining] So I could get a line of cocaine!
Helena Peabody: And afterwards? How did you feel?
Kit Porter: High. I was a high 'ho.


"The L Word: Labia Majora (#3.1)" (2006)
Helena Peabody: [on the phone] I'm buying a movie studio, Alice.
Alice: [on the phone] That's great. But I really can't talk right now.