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: All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.
[Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina
] She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here? Tina
: I think it would help.
: Well, between the four of us, we'll come up with someone. What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome... Tina
[Shane enters the cafe
: There's always Shane.
[as Jenny walks by The Planet for the first time, Dana ogles her. Everyone stares at Dana
: What? Alice
: You are so gay. Tina
: [rolling eyes
] So gay.
[Dana slumps a little, tossing up a hand
: I know. I know.
[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out
: I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have? Tina
: It has to do with her attitude. Dana
: I've got attitude! Marina
: It's because she's so withholding. Tina
: No. It's because she's so confident. Dana
: No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure. Alice
] Dana. She's your friend. Tina
: It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples. Dana
: What do you mean it's because of her nipples? Tina
: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it. Alice
: Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence! Tina
: Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed. Alice
: I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.
: [at Joyce Wichnia's office
] Tina's not qualified to parent a biracial child. Tina Kennard
: Oh, yeah, and I was qualified to sleep with one for eight years? Bette Porter
: Obviously, you weren't qualified for *that*, either!
: Well, I'm glad to see that you've made your decision. Bette Porter
: What decision have we made? Joyce Wischnia
: Mommy dearest one and mommy dearest two will be fighting this out in a court of law... which in the end is not a terrible thing. Tina Kennard
: How is that not a terrible thing? Bette Porter
: Yeah, in what universe is that not a terrible thing? Joyce Wischnia
: Well, in the universe of my bank account for one.
: Wow, are we really that untouchable? Helena Peabody
: What are you talking about? Tina Kennard
: You just backed away from us like we have some sort of heterosexual cootie.
: Who's Aaron Kornbluth? Tina Kennard
: He's our new boss. Helena Peabody
: Meeting him on Wednesday.
: [regarding Henry's house
] Yeah, it's fine. I'd re-model it but I don't live here. Bette Porter
Woman At Party
: Your daughter is adorable. Bette Porter
: [looking at Angelica's picture
] Thank you. Woman At Party
: What would you do if one day she decided to that she wanted to live with her Father? Tina Kennard
: We don't call him the Father; we call him the donor.
: Look, I'm not a homophobe, you know what I'm saying? But, uh... Look, if my son came home and he told me that he was gay... I mean, I'm sure I would come around to it but... You know, at first there would be a reaction and... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here, alright? Bette Porter
: An honest homophobe, how nice. Tina Kennard
: Bette, don't get into it. Bette Porter
: No, I... I understand, Brad. I mean, you find gay sex repulsive and you don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do for your own comfort level. Right?
: [playing Celebrity
] I don't know who Terrell Owens is.
[All the straight people laugh and all the gay people draw blanks
: Football player. Tina Kennard
: Oh. Straight Guy
: He's the most talented receiver in football. Straight Woman
: And he appeared with a "Desperate Housewife" in a commercial. She dropped her towel. Helena Peabody
: The desperate... what?
: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided
] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on. Dana
: Well, she sends me food. Bette
: Mmmhmmm. Dana
: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know. Tina
: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them? Dana
: No, she just sends them. Bette
: But she hasn't spoken to you. Dana
: No. Shane
] Ask her out. Bette
: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club. Dana
: Exactly. Alice
: [rolling her eyes
] Please don't encourage her. Bette
: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this. Alice
] You mean? Bette
: I mean. Dana
: [laughing but obviously clueless
] What? Bette
] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.
[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay
: All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck. Bette
: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she moves that chopping knife. Shane
: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip. Alice
: [to Bette and Tina
] Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention. Tina
: Yeah, but you guys, she's got nine points in the lez column and she only has seven in the straight. Alice
: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus five percentage points. Bette
: You know what we have to do.
[They all look at Shane who looks back warily
: It has to end. Tina
: But seriously, Alice, you can't let Gabby continue to treat you this way. Alice
: You guys don't know her. I know it looks like she's treating me like shit, but it's... she's just, you know... Tina
: Treating you like shit, Al. Alice
: Maybe, it's just... Bette
: No. It's just you deserve better. Alice
: I do? All right, I do. But... I just feel like at times, she's, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don't even exist. Tina
: That's because she's an emotional cripple. Bette
: Yeah. Emotional cripple, slash, narcissistic personality disorder. Tina
: And the next time she calls you? You have to end it. Alice
: I know. It's just... Bette
] It's just nothing. Tina
: What are you gonna do? Alice
: Well, I was gonna ask her... Bette
: No asking. Tina
: What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way." Bette
: [continuing from Tina
] "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love." Tina
: [picking up from Bette
] "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you." Bette
: "So step off, bitch!" Tina
: Do it.
: [reading a message from Papi on her computer
] "Tonight, ten p.m. I'll be there. Will you?" Oh yeah, sure you will, Papi. Tina Kennard
: You call your computer "Papi"? Alice Pieszecki
: Oh, no, it's this girl on Our Chart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been? Oh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of Heteroville, that's right.
: [as Shane walks into the room
] Well, holy fuck as I live and breathe. Tina Kennard
: Wow! Shane! Kit Porter
: Look who finally showed up?
: [about Aaron
] He sent you to fire me? Tina Kennard
: It was a power trip. He's a scumbag.
: Poor Shane. Tina Kennard
: Fuck that! I wouldn't blame Jenny if she never spoke to Shane again. Bette Porter
: [laughs with disbelief
] That's a little harsh. Tina Kennard
: It was unforgivable what Shane did! Bette Porter
: Well, maybe it was wrong, but... Tina Kennard
: Maybe? Bette Porter
: Okay, it was wrong. Tina Kennard
: It was devastating. After everything that Jenny's been through? Her breakup with Niki, the movie, her career? Bette Porter
: Well, Shane's been through a lot too, and she's always been there for Jenny. But Shane is a woman. She has needs... like me. Like all of us.
[Bette and Tina both glare at each other with hostility, obviously thinking back to Bette's own infidelity years earlier, but then back off
] Bette Porter
: Let's not talk about this anymore. Tina Kennard
: You're right... let's not talk anymore.
: Which one of you is the mother? Bette Porter
, Tina Kennard
: We both are. ER Nurse
: I need you to put one name only for Angelica's mother. Bette Porter
: Are you kidding me? ER Nurse
: I can't process your paperwork. Bette Porter
: This is Los Angeles. There are same-sex families on ever fucking street corner! She was born in this fucking hospital, and both of our names are on the fucking birth certificate! So, why don't you just give us a fucking break you straight, bureaucratic maggot, and get our daughter to see a God damn doctor! Please?
[regarding Dana's dead cat, Mr.Piddles
: He looks a little strange. Alice
: Yeah. I think he... hasn't really thawed out, yet. We were afraid he was gonna decompose, so Shane and I put him in the freezer.
: She's not that bad.
: She's not. Shane McCutcheon
: Until you have some concrete evidence I'd say drop it. Alice
: Alright I think she killed Mr. Piddles! That's what! Tina
: Oh my God, why would she do that? Alice
: Maybe she didn't like the competition. Shane McCutcheon
: It's because Mr. Piddles was going to inherit Dana's fortune and Tonya murdered him to be next in line. Right... Right? Drop it.
: Come on. Alice
: F*cking cranky.
[after Tina slept with a man
: You no longer have the privileges of being my life partner! Tina Kennard
: Alice, you saw that. Alice Pieszecki
: She's kinda cute, right? Her name's Chandra. Tina Kennard
: Why don't you guys go out?
: I'm trying to meet with Barbara Grisham tomorrow before the hearings. Tina Kennard
: Senator Grisham. Damn, I think she's hot.
: I don't know what to do. Tina Kennard
: You're in love with Jodi, right? Bette Porter
: I adore her. And I respect and admire her. But... Tina Kennard
: But what? Bette Porter
: It doesn't really compare.
: So which side of the bed is Nina's? Tina Kennard
: I don't know. Um.
[gets up and stands next to the left side of the bed
] Tina Kennard
: Maybe this side?
] Tina Kennard
: Yeah, that feels right. Bette Porter
: So maybe this side would be Bev's side?
[lays down on the right side of the bed
] Tina Kennard
: Yeah. Bette Porter
: Do you have any hard rock candy? Tina Kennard
: No. But I have some pot.
[Bette and Tina both giggle
[Jenny barges in on a meeting she was deliberately left out of
] Tina Kennard
: Oh Jenny, we thought that you were uh... Jenny Schecter
: That I was uh... completely clueless? Someone to fuck with? Tina Kennard
: No, of course not... Jenny Schecter
: Someone who didn't realize what a lying duplicitous scheming excuse you are for a friend?
] Jenny Schecter
: Be careful if you're doing business with this woman because she actually eats her own. Kate Arden
: Actually, Jenny, Tina's been a really good friend to you, as a matter of fact she's protected you... Jenny Schecter
: She just wants to fuck you! She does. She just wants to get in your pants... Tina Kennard
: Shut the fuck up, Jenny, OK? You're a cunt! Bette almost lost her job because of you!
: [Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test
] How do you not pee on your hand? Tina
: You just aim below the clit. Alice
: Oh, really? Tina
: Yeah, where did you think pee came out of? Alice
: I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.
[Bette and Tina are talking on the phone
] Bette Porter
: And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. That woman's a fucking dragon, and she's making my life a living hell.
[Tina does not respond
] Bette Porter
: Oh, please don't tell me you're sleeping with her. Tina
: Bette... Bette Porter
: [frustrated tone
] Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her? Tina
: It's none of your fucking business! Bette Porter
: Don't do it, Tina. That woman will eat you alive. She's a vampire. Tina
] Yeah, and a dragon. Bette Porter
: That's right. She's a monster! However you want to categorize it, she likes to fuck people for sport and... Tina
: And you don't? Like that time with Candace?
[Kit and female dancers are filming a music video in hoochie outfits
: Shit. I feel like I did this. Tina
: No, look she's having fun! Bette
: She's being mounted!
: Tina... I didn't try to see you or call you until now because I wanted to make sure that I could do what you asked of me. I promise, I'm never going to see Candace again. I'm never going to speak to her again. I'm never ever going to think about her again. I miss you. More than that, I made you. And, I don't think I could live without you. It is completely and totally over. Tina
: When did you end it? Bette
: This morning. I told her that you were the love of my life and that I didn't know what I was doing and that I must have gone temporarily insane. Tina
: Did you tell her in person, or on the phone? Bette
: Why does that matter? Tina
: Because I drove by the house at 2:00 AM, and your car wasn't there. Did you fuck ALL night before you told her that I was the love of your life this morning?
: Speaking of freakish, look at Jenny's new assistant. Alice Pieszecki
: Well, you kind of have to admire her a little bit. Tina Kennard
: It's gross! There's something wrong with that girl!
: [regarding the baby's last name
] I think we should do some sort of combo thing. You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing? Bette
: What, like, "Portard"? Tina
: Bette..."Hey poor tard! How's your two moms you big gay-mo?"
: [entering the bathroom
] Baby, are you okay? Tina
] I think my water just broke. Oh my God. Bette
: [calls the hospital
] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.
: What about men? Bette Porter
] Men? Tina Kennard
: You do know that we're lesbians, right?