Alice Pieszecki
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Quotes for
Alice Pieszecki (Character)
from "The L Word" (2004)

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"The L Word: Livin' La Vida Loca (#4.2)" (2007)
[first lines]
Imposter Papi #1: [to Alice] Alice. Alice, over here. Alice? Alice right? From the radio?
Alice Pieszecki: Yeah, you scared me.
Imposter Papi #1: It's me.

Alice Pieszecki: [reading a message from Papi on her computer] "Tonight, ten p.m. I'll be there. Will you?" Oh yeah, sure you will, Papi.
Tina Kennard: You call your computer "Papi"?
Alice Pieszecki: Oh, no, it's this girl on Our Chart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been? Oh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of Heteroville, that's right.

Alice Pieszecki: [as Shane walks into the room] Well, holy fuck as I live and breathe.
Tina Kennard: Wow! Shane!
Kit Porter: Look who finally showed up?

Shane McCutcheon: Helena hates me, doesn't she?
Alice Pieszecki: No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?
Shane McCutcheon: Really?
Alice Pieszecki: Yeah.
Shane McCutcheon: Well, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?
Alice Pieszecki: You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?
Shane McCutcheon: What?

Alice Pieszecki: Well, Papi, you have become sort of a legend in about uh... two days on my website. You crashed my whole server.
Papi: What can I say, I've been blessed. Seems the ladies like me as much as I like them.
Alice Pieszecki: We're talking about a helluva lot of ladies.
Papi: Like I said: I've been blessed... a lot.

Alice Pieszecki: What are you doing?
Papi: Circles. Magic circles.
Alice Pieszecki: [moaning] Circles...
Papi: Circles are good, right?
Alice Pieszecki: Oh yeah, circles are good. Yeah, circles. Oh wow, circles.
Papi: You like that?
Alice Pieszecki: Oh yeah, I think I really like circles. Circles are great, Papi!

Alice Pieszecki: Oh, wow! How do you say "I'm done" in Spanish?
Papi: [a beat] You're not done.

Alice Pieszecki: Do you wanna come in?
Papi: Oh, no, no, no. Thanks, though. But it's against the rules. Rule number one: Papi doesn't do breakfast.

Helena Peabody: [seeing Alice emerge from Papi's limo] Well, well, well. Someone had a busy night.
Alice Pieszecki: Yeah, I was working.
Helena Peabody: Working?
Alice Pieszecki: Yeah, working pretty hard.
[Helena chuckles]

[repeated line]
Alice Pieszecki: You're Papi?

Papi: [whispers in Alice's ear] You make me bad...
Alice: [moans] Oh wow...
Alice: What are you doing?
Papi: [whispers] Circles!
Alice: Ohh...!
Papi: Magic circles!
Alice: [moans] Circles!
Papi: Circles are good right?
Alice: [moans] Oh yeah, circles are good!
Papi: Aha!
Alice: Yeah circles
Alice: Oh wow circles
Papi: You like that?
Alice: Oh yeah I really think I like circles!
[moans louder]
Alice: Oh wow, yeah circles, circles are great Papi!
[moans even louder]
Alice: Circles are great Papi!
[gasps loudly between breaths]
Alice: Oh Papi, oh Papi, oh my god Papi, Papi, Papi!

"The L Word: Let's Do It (#1.2)" (2004)
Dana: [after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.
Alice: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.
Shane: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.
Dana: How can you tell?
Alice: You read the signals.
Dana: That's my problem.
Shane: Dana, it's not a problem. Allright.
Shane: [In response to Dana rolling her eyes] No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
Dana: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.
Alice: [after the realization of what Dana is saying hits her] You don't have gaydar.
Dana: No.
Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!

Lady on Intercom: Reviva. Who is it?
Alice: Uhh... yeah, uh... Alice Peters, I have an appointment.
Lady on Intercom: I don't understand. What do you want?
Alice: [enunciating] I have an appointment.
Lady on Intercom: For what? What do you want?
Alice: All right, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated!
[Alice looks around quickly to see if anyone heard]
Lady on Intercom: Well, why didn't you just say so?

Shane: [talking about how Alice wants to start with looking her up first to find Lara on the chart] Why must you do that?
Alice: Chances are, if she's into girls, you know.
Shane: Look, Dane? It totally wouldn't have meant anything.
Dana: Oh, that's comforting, thanks.

Bette: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.
Dana: Well, she sends me food.
Bette: Mmmhmmm.
Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.
Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?
Dana: No, she just sends them.
Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you.
Dana: No.
Shane: [seriously] Ask her out.
Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.
Dana: Exactly.
Alice: [rolling her eyes] Please don't encourage her.
Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.
Alice: [gasping] You mean?
Bette: I mean.
Dana: [laughing but obviously clueless] What?
Bette: [smiling] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Shane: [to Bette who has answered the door in her bathrobe] Hi, were you sleeping?
Bette: Not exactly.
Alice: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered.
Bette: So the logical conclusion was just to come over?
Alice: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff.
Bette: Uh-Hunh.
Shane: Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice.
Dana: [Looking very sheepish and pitiful] I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry.
Bette: [smiling] It's okay Dana. We were finished.
Dana: [realizing what Bette means] Oh my God...

Alice: [points to a woman at the counter] What is she?
Dana: [hesitates] A customer? I don't know!
Shane: Dana, look at her fingernails. Are they long or short?
Dana: [turns to look] They're long and polished. So she's...
Shane: Leaning to straight. But we still need more info.
Alice: Look at the shoes.
Dana: She wearing high-heeled sandals.
Alice: Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?
Dana: [confused] Yes?
Alice: [firmly] No.

[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay]
Alice: All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.
Bette: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she moves that chopping knife.
Shane: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.
Alice: [to Bette and Tina] Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.
Tina: Yeah, but you guys, she's got nine points in the lez column and she only has seven in the straight.
Alice: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus five percentage points.
Bette: You know what we have to do.
[They all look at Shane who looks back warily]

Bette: It has to end.
Tina: But seriously, Alice, you can't let Gabby continue to treat you this way.
Alice: You guys don't know her. I know it looks like she's treating me like shit, but it's... she's just, you know...
Tina: Treating you like shit, Al.
Alice: Maybe, it's just...
Bette: No. It's just you deserve better.
Alice: I do? All right, I do. But... I just feel like at times, she's, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don't even exist.
Tina: That's because she's an emotional cripple.
Bette: Yeah. Emotional cripple, slash, narcissistic personality disorder.
Tina: And the next time she calls you? You have to end it.
Alice: I know. It's just...
Bette: [firmly] It's just nothing.
Tina: What are you gonna do?
Alice: Well, I was gonna ask her...
Bette: No asking.
Tina: What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."
Bette: [continuing from Tina] "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."
Tina: [picking up from Bette] "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."
Bette: "So step off, bitch!"
Tina: Do it.

"The L Word: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
[as Jenny walks by The Planet for the first time, Dana ogles her. Everyone stares at Dana]
Dana: What?
Alice: You are so gay.
Tina: [rolling eyes] So gay.
[Dana slumps a little, tossing up a hand]
Dana: I know. I know.

[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]
Dana: I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?
Tina: It has to do with her attitude.
Dana: I've got attitude!
Marina: It's because she's so withholding.
Tina: No. It's because she's so confident.
Dana: No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.
Alice: [firmly] Dana. She's your friend.
Tina: It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.
Dana: What do you mean it's because of her nipples?
Tina: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.
Alice: Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!
Tina: Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.
Alice: I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

Alice: Ooh, ooh, ooh. Now she's cute. And I haven't seen her before, is it possible?
Shane: Fresh meat.
Alice: New blood.
Dana: Cris-pay!
[Alice shakes her head at Dana]
Alice: Uh-uh.

[Bette enters The Planet and sees Dana]
Bette: Is that Dana Fairbanks? Hanging out at The Planet in West Hollywood?
Alice: Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a *gay lady*.
[Dana gives Alice a hostile look]

Dana: When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.
Alice: Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.
Dana: [to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

[re Marina and Jenny's uncanny immediate connection]
Alice: Huh. Whatever. I'm just... gonna leave you two alone to get married!

Shane: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.
Dana: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.
Shane: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.
Alice: Oh, my god, it's Yoda.
Dana: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.
Bette: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

"The L Word: Legend in the Making (#4.1)" (2007)
[first lines]
Alice Pieszecki: Yeah, it's open. Come in.

Waiter: Refill?
Helena Peabody: No, I don't think I can afford it.
Alice Pieszecki: Helena, it's free.

Alice Pieszecki: What about your car? Wasn't your car worth like $300.000? I mean, you can live on that for like two years!
Helena Peabody: Maybe you could!

Helena Peabody: [Alice and Jenny are explaining the concept of the online version of The Chart to Helena.] Do you have to sleep with someone first?
Alice Pieszecki: Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie...
Helena Peabody: [to Jenny] You slept with Tina?
Jenny Schecter: Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina.
Alice Pieszecki: No, no, hypothetically.

Jenny Schecter: There's Gabby Deveaux.
Helena Peabody: Whoa, that's a lot of hookups.
Alice Pieszecki: [chirpily] Yeah, she's a whore.

Alice Pieszecki: [to Jenny] If it isn't Jennifer Schecter. Author of "Some Of Her Parts".

"The L Word: Limb from Limb (#1.13)" (2004)
Alice: [Seeing Dana and Tonya dressed alike] "What is with the twin thing? Are they merging already?"

[regarding Dana's dead cat, Mr.Piddles]
Tina: He looks a little strange.
Alice: Yeah. I think he... hasn't really thawed out, yet. We were afraid he was gonna decompose, so Shane and I put him in the freezer.

Shane McCutcheon: She's not that bad.
[about Tonya]
Tina: She's not.
Shane McCutcheon: Until you have some concrete evidence I'd say drop it.
Alice: Alright I think she killed Mr. Piddles! That's what!
Tina: Oh my God, why would she do that?
Alice: Maybe she didn't like the competition.
Shane McCutcheon: It's because Mr. Piddles was going to inherit Dana's fortune and Tonya murdered him to be next in line. Right... Right? Drop it.
[Walks away]
Tina: Come on.
Alice: F*cking cranky.

"The L Word: Life, Loss, Leaving (#2.1)" (2005)
Alice: This coffee tastes like poopie-shit! Where's Marina?

Alice: Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy
Shane: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.
Alice: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.
Shane: Huh.
Shane: [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...
Tonya: [to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.
Dana: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!
Shane: Her hair.
Dana: Ah.

[Shane and Alice are at the Planet talking when they see the annoying Tonya walk in]
Shane: Oh, shit.
Alice: Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do something... uh... pretend I'm upset.
Shane: What? What?
Alice: Put your arm around me! Um... I'll just start sobbing, and...
[Shanes complies by putting her arm on Alice]
Alice: Obviously it'll be a really intimate moment. I mean... no halfway, sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.
Tonya: Guys! You guys!
[Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing]
Tonya: This place is falling apart! Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?

"The L Word: Lassoed (#4.3)" (2007)
Bette Porter: [to Alice] My boss is attracted to you.
Alice Pieszecki: Really?

Alice Pieszecki: Phyllis.
Phyllis Kroll, Bette Porter: Alice?
Alice Pieszecki: [to Bette] Hello, Professor Porter.
Phyllis Kroll: Dean Porter, Alice. You're demoting her.

Jenny Schecter: And the thing is the vagina's girlfriend was molested and now she's like this perfect saint, which is awesome - and I was abused and now I'm like this fucked up nitwit, but that's my experience.
Alice Pieszecki: I get it, I totally get it, I'm just saying I think you should let it go. It's a tiny magazine, who reads it? And didn't Elle say something great about, what "refreshingly literate?" That's huge - that's Elle, concentrate on that.

"The L Word: Lookin' at You, Kid (#5.5)" (2008)
Alice Pieszecki: Why is my life supposed to stop because you want to live in a fucking closet? I did not sign up for that bullshit. You did. I am allowed to say what I want, and do what I want, and fucking out who I want... and love who I want because I live in the goddamn U.S. of fucking A.
Tasha Williams: And I'm the one out there fighting for your right to be ignorant.

[on national TV]
Alice Pieszecki: Listen! Gay people are being bashed, harassed, and killed every day, and then you've got this guy who's gay himself, and he's saying this garbage? It's disgusting! I totally respect someone's choice to stay in the closet, I do. If that's what they want to do, I get it. But I don't think it's OK to kiss your boyfriend one day and then go out and trash gay people the next! Especially if you're a public figure and you have people looking up to you. No, I don't feel bad. I do not feel bad about what I did.

Shane McCutcheon: [sitting on counter] Hey you want one?
[to Cammie as she walks passed]
Cammie: Oh no I'm good thanks.
Shane McCutcheon: Hey listen they're not gay I promise.
Alice: Oh my God! What if they were gay? What if the brownies were gay?
Shane McCutcheon: [laughing] They're all f*cking each other.
Alice: [in brownie voice] You're hot.

"The L Word: Labia Majora (#3.1)" (2006)
Alice: I'm Alice Pieszecki and you're listening to the chart on KCRW. Welcome back. Tonight we are talking about the connection between love and the senses.
[short pause]
Alice: Your lover kisses you, and you feel a tremor in the back of your knees. The synapses fire sending orders, move your legs move your arms... she's the one for you, she's the... girl of your dreams, she's your one and only. And you know because... the smell of her makes your head swim because you get a physical jolt every time she sends a glance your way. I mean she touches you here
[puts hand on lower neck]
Alice: and you feel it... here
[touches inner thigh]
Alice: You touch her... anywhere, and you feel it... everywhere. And then... boom. It's six months later and she's... touching someone else. And you might say "Hey... All relationships end, lovers leave, leaving a labyrinth of... heartache and betrayal. For example, my first boyfriend left me for a voluptuous... former lesbian named April, who I then wound up having a rebound affair with, but... We could also talk about Gabbi. Otherwise known as lesbian ex of point of origin for an entire geographical substratum of lesbian linkages. Including... Lara. Yes that same Lara, we love her... Lara the larcenist... Lara the liberator. Lara the, the new true love of... of Dana
[takes out and opens a bottle of pills]
Alice: ...and, yeah, I mean Dana who told me she needed... she needed closure, closure with Lara.
Alice: Well, it's six months later... and I'm still waiting for it to close.

[on her relationship with Anjelica]
Alice: I'm her Earth-mother. I guess I'd be her godmother, except I don't believe in God.

Helena Peabody: [on the phone] I'm buying a movie studio, Alice.
Alice: [on the phone] That's great. But I really can't talk right now.

"The L Word: Lifeline (#3.5)" (2006)
Alice Pieszecki: What do you teach?
Uta Refson: I'm a vamperologist. I teach a course on the queer vampire in literature and film. And a seminar called demon desire, about the vampire as a lesbian predator.
Alice Pieszecki: Okay, I'm a total vampire lesbian freak!
Uta Refson: What attracts you to the lesbian vampire, Alice?
Alice Pieszecki: I don't know, Uta. Maybe it's just... I like the dark side.
Uta Refson: What about tomorrow?
Alice Pieszecki: What? Lunch?
Uta Refson: For dinner. I'm not much of a daytime person.
Alice Pieszecki: What? Because vampires don't go out during the day?
Uta Refson: No. We lay in bed... with the curtains drawn.
[creepy musical fanfare]
Alice Pieszecki: [slightly afraid] Okay... uh... tomorrow night.

Alice Pieszecki: I think Uta might be a vampire
Helena Peabody: What?
Alice Pieszecki: Well have you seen her teeth? They're
Helena Peabody: [cuts Alice off] What?
Alice Pieszecki: Theyre sharp. Theyre...
[shows helena her neck]
Helena Peabody: That's a hickie.
Alice Pieszecki: I don't know.
Alice Pieszecki: I don't know.
Helena Peabody: Well.
[pulls out a mirror]
Helena Peabody: You know what they say about vampires. No reflection.
Alice Pieszecki: Oh!
Helena Peabody: Try.
Alice Pieszecki: Okay. Hey.
[to Uta who just walked over]
Helena Peabody: Okay.
[leaves scared by the look uta just gave her]
Alice Pieszecki: I think I got some thing in my teeth. I'll just...
[turns so the mirror faces uta]
Uta Refson: [ducks while Alice is turning]
Alice Pieszecki: [looking for uta in the mirror] Holy f*cking sh*t.
[turns around]
Uta Refson: [standing again] What? Oh, I just dropped my ring. Why don't we get out of here?
Alice Pieszecki: [has a scared/distrusing look on her face] Okay.

"The L Word: Lights! Camera! Action! (#5.6)" (2008)
Alice Pieszecki: Fuck you, Denbo! AND your dumb lover. You're a ratfuck!
Shane McCutcheon: BYE CINDI!

Alice Pieszecki: Are you gonna dance in your black bra?
Shane McCutcheon: You know, I was thinking about it, but I just don't need one. Thank god.

"The L Word: Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way (#3.9)" (2006)
Dr. Susan Love: [singing Alice's book] There you go, Alice.
Alice Pieszecki: Why thank you, Doctor Love.
Dr. Susan Love: I would advise anybody in your condition to have chemotherapy, but I'm really glad you're doing all the complementary therapies as well, because that's really gonna make you feel better.
Dana Fairbanks: Just... At this point, I wanna know what I can do to help you.
Alice Pieszecki: Yeah. I mean, you're working on a cure right? That's what I read.

Helena Peabody: Alice, you saw that.
Alice Pieszecki: She's kinda cute, right? Her name's Chandra.
Tina Kennard: Why don't you guys go out?

"The L Word: Lies, Lies, Lies (#1.4)" (2004)
Alice: [Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test] How do you not pee on your hand?
Tina: You just aim below the clit.
Alice: Oh, really?
Tina: Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?
Alice: I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.

[arguing with the hotel manager about her mother's outstanding credit bill]
Alice: Look, why don't I just pay what my mom owes you so she can get her luggage out of her room and check herself out of here. Now, how much does she owe you?
Hotel Manager: Well, I have a printout of the bill right here. That will be $5,968.42.
Alice: [stunned] I'm sorry... could you repeat...
Hotel Manager: Five-thousand... nine-hundred... sixty-eight dollars... and forty-two cents. Will that be cash, check or credit card?
Alice: [grabs the bill and looks at it] What? This is outrageous! How can one person spend over five thousand dollars on a hotel room?
Hotel Manager: [points to the bill] Well, let's see. She stayed in the Super Star Suite, our most luxurious room. The suite is $950 a night, plus tax. She was here for five nights. She ordered room service five or six times a day, and she made a few phone calls.
[Alice begins fumbling through her purse looking for her credit cards]
Alice: [quietly to herself] Oh, Mother...

"The L Word: Luck, Next Time (#1.9)" (2004)
Alice: Some of us have it worst, Dana, you know. Some of us are dating lesbian men.

Alice: [trying to cheer Dana up] What is going to cheer you up?
[long pause]
Dana: [takes a sip of her drink]
Alice: [grabs her cell phone and dials a number] Hello? Uh hello, yeah. I was wondering if your refigerator was running... oh it is?
[hands the phone to Dana]
Alice: [quietly] Go, go! They said 'yeah'. C'mon Dana.
Dana: [begins to smile] Well then you better catch it.
Alice: [laughs with Dana]
Dana: [quickly becomes serious] Mom?
Alice: [stops smiling]
Dana: [ends call, looks at phone and throws it near Alice]

"The L Word: Lez Girls (#4.5)" (2007)
Alice: Right, right. Oh, wait, he's talking to me! So weird. Huh?... What?... OK, I'll tell her. He said don't ever fucking compare yourself to him!

Alice: [to Phyllis] Okay, great. You're doing so good.

"The L Word: Longing (#1.3)" (2004)
[after Alice tells Gabby off exactly as Bette and Tina told her to]
Gabby Deveaux: Emotional cripple? Where did you get that from? Dr. Phil?
Alice: Get out of my house.
Gabby Deveaux: Whatev. Suit yourself.
[starts to leave]
Gabby Deveaux: But this is not a good move for someone like you. Everyone knows you're desperate. There's no way you're going to bounce back from this.

Alice: Do you guys know they want me to do a story on a 45-minute orgasm? As if. I mean, by definition they're short and intense, right? For me, they are.

"The L Word: Long Night's Journey Into Day (#6.1)" (2009)
Papi: Yo.
Alice Pieszecki: Papi? What the hell are you doing here?
Papi: I live here. Maybe I should be asking you that question?
Alice Pieszecki: [stammering] But... I thought... you disappeared. I thought you left town or... got arrested by some cop who was pissed off that you slept with his wife.
Papi: Okay, look who's talking.

"The L Word: Lactose Intolerant (#6.6)" (2009)
Alice: [as Bette is describing a stroller that seemingly does everything] Does it do the dishes?
Bette: No, just your taxes.

"The L Word: Layup (#4.4)" (2007)
Alice Pieszecki: [to Bette about Phyllis] You know she's not my normal type. Not that I have a type.

"The L Word: Labyrinth (#2.5)" (2005)
[Tina hasn't told Bette about the baby]
Alice: I mean, she's GOTTA know. Is she fucking blind?

"The L Word: Latecomer (#3.8)" (2006)
Alice: Where's Carmen?
Shane: Ugh, I'm in the shithouse.
Alice: Why?
Shane: Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a fucking tattoo.
Alice: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. I had a girl who dreamt that I fucked David Schwimmer.
Alice: [Shane stares at her] Well, Friends was on a lot.
Dana: Actually, when we were going out, I had a dream you were a midget.
Shane: [laughs, Alice nudges her]
Dana: But I wasn't mad at you or anything.

"The L Word: Long Time Coming (#4.12)" (2007)
Alice Pieszecki: [to Dana's "ghost"] You really curse a lot more now!

"The L Word: Lost Weekend (#3.2)" (2006)
Alice Pieszecki: [to a little kid at Angelica's birthday party] Hi there, who are you?
Roland: I'm Roland. Are you the clown?
Alice Pieszecki: I'm the birthday girl, Roland.
[Alice looks around and spots all the toddlers at the party. It's clearly not her party]
Alice Pieszecki: And yes, yes I'm the clown.
Roland: [running off] Mommy, mommy, the clown's here!

"The L Word: Last Dance (#3.11)" (2006)
[at Dana's funeral]
Priest: How unfortunate it is that she died before finding herself a husband and...
Alice: What the hell are you talking about? Dana was GAY!
[everyone gasps in horror]

"The L Word: Least Likely (#6.2)" (2009)
Alice Pieszecki: Okay, so basically, that skankball Dylan Moreland almost ruined Helena's life. First, she pretended to be in love with her so she and her boyfriend, Danny, could sue Helena for sexual harassment and extort millions of dollars from her. Can you believe it? So... her mother gets so mad that she cuts Helena off, and she has to move in with me and become a cook.
Helena Peabody: I was a caterer.
Alice Pieszecki: Which was a disaster, and let's face it, Helena is used to a certain standard of living. She was born rich, with a gold spoon in her mouth. So, she meets this shady high-roller lady, named Catherine. They hook up, but she uses Helena and takes all her money, and when Helena takes it back, and we still don't know where she buried it, she gets arrested for embezzlement, thrown into prison, and has to share a cell with some killer!
Helena Peabody: Her name was Dusty, and she was in for tax fraud.
Alice Pieszecki: Fine! So, Helena's mother can't take it anymore. She bails Helena out of prison, but she doesn't want to live under her mother's thumb anymore, so she springs Dusty from jail, they go abroad to Taha, which she doesn't ever want to talk about since Dusty still hides out over there. So, it couldn't have been great, right?
Helena Peabody: Right.
Alice Pieszecki: Anyway, her mother gets stung by some jellyfish while scuba diving, and grants Helena's wealth back again. All of this because of this woman.
Tasha Williams: [to Helena] You want me to kick her ass?
Helena Peabody: No. Thank you.
Tasha Williams: You're a better person than me. I would beat a bitch down if she ever did something like that to me.

"The L Word: Late, Later, Latent (#2.9)" (2005)
Dana Fairbanks: Don't laugh, OK?
[Goes out from bathroom naked wearing a strap-on]
Dana Fairbanks: .
Alice Pieszecki: Fuck... Who's laughing?

"The L Word: Lady of the Lake (#5.3)" (2008)
Tina Kennard: Speaking of freakish, look at Jenny's new assistant.
Alice Pieszecki: Well, you kind of have to admire her a little bit.
Tina Kennard: It's gross! There's something wrong with that girl!

"The L Word: Lawfully (#1.5)" (2004)
Alice: [to Shane after finding out that her mom, Lenore, kissed Shane] Hey, sorry you got Lenored!

"The L Word: Loneliest Number (#2.3)" (2005)
Alice Pieszecki: [as she approaches Shane across the dance floor] Sorry... excuse me... Shane! Ah! 'kay, I have to tell you something I'm really non s'posed to tell you.
Shane McCutcheon: Fight the urge.
Alice Pieszecki: But I... But I can't!
Shane McCutcheon: [Pleading] Try.
Alice Pieszecki: But it's hard!
Shane McCutcheon: I know, but try!

"The L Word: Land Ahoy (#2.10)" (2005)
Alice: [whispering in Dana's ear] I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on.