Dana Fairbanks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Dana Fairbanks (Character)
from "The L Word" (2004)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The L Word: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Marina: Well, between the four of us, we'll come up with someone. What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome...
Tina: Artistic.
[Shane enters the cafe]
Dana: There's always Shane.

[as Jenny walks by The Planet for the first time, Dana ogles her. Everyone stares at Dana]
Dana: What?
Alice: You are so gay.
Tina: [rolling eyes] So gay.
[Dana slumps a little, tossing up a hand]
Dana: I know. I know.

[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]
Dana: I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?
Tina: It has to do with her attitude.
Dana: I've got attitude!
Marina: It's because she's so withholding.
Tina: No. It's because she's so confident.
Dana: No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.
Alice: [firmly] Dana. She's your friend.
Tina: It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.
Dana: What do you mean it's because of her nipples?
Tina: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.
Alice: Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!
Tina: Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.
Alice: I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

Instructor: Now everyone. Drop your heads. Close your eyes and set your intentions. Why are you here? To gossip with your friends? Or to change your body? What do you want to get out of the next forty minutes?
[the students start peddling harder]
Dana: [to Tina, re: Instructor] A good look at your spectacular tits would be nice.

Alice: Ooh, ooh, ooh. Now she's cute. And I haven't seen her before, is it possible?
Shane: Fresh meat.
Alice: New blood.
Dana: Cris-pay!
[Alice shakes her head at Dana]
Alice: Uh-uh.

Dana: When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.
Alice: Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.
Dana: [to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

Shane: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.
Dana: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.
Shane: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.
Alice: Oh, my god, it's Yoda.
Dana: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.
Bette: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

"The L Word: Let's Do It (#1.2)" (2004)
Dana: [after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.
Alice: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.
Shane: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.
Dana: How can you tell?
Alice: You read the signals.
Dana: That's my problem.
Shane: Dana, it's not a problem. Allright.
Shane: [In response to Dana rolling her eyes] No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
Dana: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.
Alice: [after the realization of what Dana is saying hits her] You don't have gaydar.
Dana: No.
Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!

Shane: [talking about how Alice wants to start with looking her up first to find Lara on the chart] Why must you do that?
Alice: Chances are, if she's into girls, you know.
Shane: Look, Dane? It totally wouldn't have meant anything.
Dana: Oh, that's comforting, thanks.

Bette: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.
Dana: Well, she sends me food.
Bette: Mmmhmmm.
Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.
Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?
Dana: No, she just sends them.
Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you.
Dana: No.
Shane: [seriously] Ask her out.
Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.
Dana: Exactly.
Alice: [rolling her eyes] Please don't encourage her.
Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.
Alice: [gasping] You mean?
Bette: I mean.
Dana: [laughing but obviously clueless] What?
Bette: [smiling] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Shane: [to Bette who has answered the door in her bathrobe] Hi, were you sleeping?
Bette: Not exactly.
Alice: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered.
Bette: So the logical conclusion was just to come over?
Alice: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff.
Bette: Uh-Hunh.
Shane: Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice.
Dana: [Looking very sheepish and pitiful] I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry.
Bette: [smiling] It's okay Dana. We were finished.
Dana: [realizing what Bette means] Oh my God...

Alice: [points to a woman at the counter] What is she?
Dana: [hesitates] A customer? I don't know!
Shane: Dana, look at her fingernails. Are they long or short?
Dana: [turns to look] They're long and polished. So she's...
Shane: Leaning to straight. But we still need more info.
Alice: Look at the shoes.
Dana: She wearing high-heeled sandals.
Alice: Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?
Dana: [confused] Yes?
Alice: [firmly] No.

"The L Word: Last Dance (#3.11)" (2006)
Tegan Quin: [Dana is hallucinating after having taken lsd with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert] Hey, you know who's a lesbian?
Sara Quin: Dana Fairbanks!
Dana: ...I am not!
Shane McCutcheon: What?
Sara Quin: Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!

Tegan Quin: [Dana is hallucinating after having taken lsd with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert] Hey, you know who's a lesbian?
Sara Quin: Dana Fairbanks!
Dana: ...I am not!
Bette Porter: What?
Tegan Quin: Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!

"The L Word: Longing (#1.3)" (2004)
[Dana walks into the country club kitchen looking for Lara and finds her]
Dana: Hey...
[Lara looks up at Dana, and cuts her thumb]
Dana: [freaking out] Oh, my god! Oh! oh, my god, I'm sorry, I...
Lara Perkins: It's okay...
Dana: Ah, Jesus, you're disfigured!
Lara Perkins: [smiling and calm] I'm not disfigured.
Dana: But I could've killed you! When you were... you know.
Lara Perkins: [still smiling] It happens all the time.
Dana: Well, should we call a doctor?
[Lara holds off her hand, and begins counting off visible scars on her fingers]
Lara Perkins: Second-degree burn from the bÈchamel sauce. Run-away shish-kabob. An attack from a particularly hostile live lobster, and, um... electric can-opener.
Dana: [blushing] Is there anything I can do?
Lara Perkins: [holding up thumb] You could kiss it and make it better.

Dana: Um. I was wondering if maybe sometime...
Lara Perkins: I would love to.
Dana: Really?
[Laura smiles and nods]
Dana: Okay! Is Thursday night okay?
Lara Perkins: Thursday night is great.
Dana: Where do you wanna go?
Lara Perkins: Anywhere you're going.
Dana: Yeah, but you're a food person. So, I want to take you someplace really good. Like L'Orangerie.
Lara Perkins: No, no, no, that's way too expensive.
Dana: I know. I'll take care of it.
Lara Perkins: We're not starting out that way. Um... there's this little place in Koreatown that I've been dying to check out.
Dana: Do I need to make a reservation?
Lara Perkins: How about if I take care of that part, and you just pick me up at eight?
Dana: Okay.

"The L Word: L'Ennui (#1.7)" (2004)
Dana: Slander against cats. Write that down.

"The L Word: Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way (#3.9)" (2006)
Dr. Susan Love: [singing Alice's book] There you go, Alice.
Alice Pieszecki: Why thank you, Doctor Love.
Dr. Susan Love: I would advise anybody in your condition to have chemotherapy, but I'm really glad you're doing all the complementary therapies as well, because that's really gonna make you feel better.
Dana Fairbanks: Just... At this point, I wanna know what I can do to help you.
Alice Pieszecki: Yeah. I mean, you're working on a cure right? That's what I read.

"The L Word: Latecomer (#3.8)" (2006)
Alice: Where's Carmen?
Shane: Ugh, I'm in the shithouse.
Alice: Why?
Shane: Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a fucking tattoo.
Alice: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. I had a girl who dreamt that I fucked David Schwimmer.
Alice: [Shane stares at her] Well, Friends was on a lot.
Dana: Actually, when we were going out, I had a dream you were a midget.
Shane: [laughs, Alice nudges her]
Dana: But I wasn't mad at you or anything.

"The L Word: Luck, Next Time (#1.9)" (2004)
Alice: [trying to cheer Dana up] What is going to cheer you up?
[long pause]
Dana: [takes a sip of her drink]
Alice: [grabs her cell phone and dials a number] Hello? Uh hello, yeah. I was wondering if your refigerator was running... oh it is?
[hands the phone to Dana]
Alice: [quietly] Go, go! They said 'yeah'. C'mon Dana.
Dana: [begins to smile] Well then you better catch it.
Alice: [laughs with Dana]
Dana: [quickly becomes serious] Mom?
Alice: [stops smiling]
Dana: [ends call, looks at phone and throws it near Alice]

"The L Word: Life, Loss, Leaving (#2.1)" (2005)
Alice: Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy
Shane: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.
Alice: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.
Shane: Huh.
Shane: [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...
Tonya: [to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.
Dana: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!
Shane: Her hair.
Dana: Ah.

"The L Word: Late, Later, Latent (#2.9)" (2005)
Dana Fairbanks: Don't laugh, OK?
[Goes out from bathroom naked wearing a strap-on]
Dana Fairbanks: .
Alice Pieszecki: Fuck... Who's laughing?

"The L Word: Land Ahoy (#2.10)" (2005)
[to Alice about using a strap-on]
Dana: Is it a bisexual thing? You tryin' to have your cake and eat your pussy too?

"The L Word: Liberally (#1.10)" (2004)
Dana: You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?