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: [after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina
] I thought Jenny was straight. Alice
: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not. Shane
: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away. Dana
: How can you tell? Alice
: You read the signals. Dana
: That's my problem. Shane
: Dana, it's not a problem. Allright. Shane
: [In response to Dana rolling her eyes
] No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow. Dana
: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it. Alice
: [after the realization of what Dana is saying hits her
] You don't have gaydar. Dana
: No. Alice
: You're so right, you don't have it!
: [having figured out that they are in Tina and Bette's bedroom right after Tina's been inseminated
] Wait. So, we could be here at the moment of conception. Bette
] You could. Yes. Shane
: Well then, I'm really sorry. Would you like us to leave? Bette
] That would be too late.
: [talking about how Alice wants to start with looking her up first to find Lara on the chart
] Why must you do that? Alice
: Chances are, if she's into girls, you know. Shane
: Look, Dane? It totally wouldn't have meant anything. Dana
: Oh, that's comforting, thanks.
: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided
] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on. Dana
: Well, she sends me food. Bette
: Mmmhmmm. Dana
: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know. Tina
: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them? Dana
: No, she just sends them. Bette
: But she hasn't spoken to you. Dana
: No. Shane
] Ask her out. Bette
: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club. Dana
: Exactly. Alice
: [rolling her eyes
] Please don't encourage her. Bette
: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this. Alice
] You mean? Bette
: I mean. Dana
: [laughing but obviously clueless
] What? Bette
] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.
: [to Bette who has answered the door in her bathrobe
] Hi, were you sleeping? Bette
: Not exactly. Alice
: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered. Bette
: So the logical conclusion was just to come over? Alice
: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff. Bette
: Uh-Hunh. Shane
: Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice. Dana
: [Looking very sheepish and pitiful
] I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry. Bette
] It's okay Dana. We were finished. Dana
: [realizing what Bette means
] Oh my God...
: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
: [points to a woman at the counter
] What is she? Dana
] A customer? I don't know! Shane
: Dana, look at her fingernails. Are they long or short? Dana
: [turns to look
] They're long and polished. So she's... Shane
: Leaning to straight. But we still need more info. Alice
: Look at the shoes. Dana
: She wearing high-heeled sandals. Alice
: Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans? Dana
] Yes? Alice
[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay
: All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck. Bette
: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she moves that chopping knife. Shane
: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip. Alice
: [to Bette and Tina
] Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention. Tina
: Yeah, but you guys, she's got nine points in the lez column and she only has seven in the straight. Alice
: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus five percentage points. Bette
: You know what we have to do.
[They all look at Shane who looks back warily
: Helena hates me, doesn't she? Alice Pieszecki
: No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now? Shane McCutcheon
: Really? Alice Pieszecki
: Yeah. Shane McCutcheon
: Well, what do you think I could do to make it up to her? Alice Pieszecki
: You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock? Shane McCutcheon
: I think I'm gonna throw up. Shane McCutcheon
: Oh, umm... Look, the bathroom's right over there. Helena Peabody
: Shane... Shane McCutcheon
: What? Helena Peabody
: You should go with him. Shane McCutcheon
: What the hell am I supposed to do? Bette Porter
: Hold his hair. Shane McCutcheon
: He doesn't have any hair!
: No, no, no. What do you mean I need a picture of him? No, no, no. I don't have a picture of him. I haven't known him that long.
: Where do you think you were gonna go? Shay McCutcheon
: Home. Shane McCutcheon
: I'm your home now, okay? We both have to get used to that.
: It's illegal to keep a child out of school. Shane McCutcheon
: Well let them arrest me.
: [repeatedly at the poker game
] Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear.
: Ooh, ooh, ooh. Now she's cute. And I haven't seen her before, is it possible? Shane
: Fresh meat. Alice
: New blood. Dana
[Alice shakes her head at Dana
: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male. Dana
: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man. Shane
: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed. Alice
: Oh, my god, it's Yoda. Dana
: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way. Bette
: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.
: Fuck you, Denbo! AND your dumb lover. You're a ratfuck! Shane McCutcheon
: BYE CINDI!
: Are you gonna dance in your black bra? Shane McCutcheon
: You know, I was thinking about it, but I just don't need one. Thank god.
[Carmen is making out with Shane
] Carmen de la Pica Morales
: Quiero lamberte hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces. Shane McCutcheon
: Sorry, my Spanish is a little rusty. Could you be more specific? Carmen de la Pica Morales
: It means: I want to lick you until you come in my mouth a thousand times. Shane McCutcheon
: Who does your hair? Shane McCutcheon
: I do it myself. Anna
: Well, some job you do to it. It's all tangled, stringy, when was the last time you washed it?
[Anna takes out a brush and starts brushing Shane's hair
: Here, I'll just patten it down. If you want me to make it a little more straight I'll... Shane McCutcheon
] NO! Do not... make it straight.
: Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy Shane
: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her. Alice
: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would. Shane
: Huh. Shane
: [Dana joins the table
] Well in that case, if she's hot... Tonya
: [to Dana
] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington. Dana
: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane! Shane
: Her hair. Dana
[Shane and Alice are at the Planet talking when they see the annoying Tonya walk in
: Oh, shit. Alice
: Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do something... uh... pretend I'm upset. Shane
: What? What? Alice
: Put your arm around me! Um... I'll just start sobbing, and...
[Shanes complies by putting her arm on Alice
: Obviously it'll be a really intimate moment. I mean... no halfway, sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting. Tonya
: Guys! You guys!
[Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing
: This place is falling apart! Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?
: Does he have any allergies, any learning disabilities, psychological problems...? Shane McCutcheon
: [to Shay
] Do you?
[Shay just shrugs to the principal
] Shane McCutcheon
: Nah, doubt it.
: So, I'm your competition. Shane McCutcheon
: Oh! Oh, okay. Well, I don't know exactly what we're competing for but, uh... You win!
: [to Shane
] Is that Carmen spinning? Shane McCutcheon
: Yeah, I hooked her up with Kit. Jenny Schecter
: Aren't you going to go say hi? Shane McCutcheon
: [with a forced grin
] I did. Shane McCutcheon
: [at Jenny's look
] What? Jenny Schecter
: I don't know, it's just sometimes you remind me of guys I used to date in high school.
: [as she approaches Shane across the dance floor
] Sorry... excuse me... Shane! Ah! 'kay, I have to tell you something I'm really non s'posed to tell you. Shane McCutcheon
: Fight the urge. Alice Pieszecki
: But I... But I can't! Shane McCutcheon
] Try. Alice Pieszecki
: But it's hard! Shane McCutcheon
: I know, but try!
: Guys, my cousins did this for my uncle Bill and he hasn't had a drop to drink since they put him in a straight jacket and hauled him off to rehab. I swear.
: She's not that bad.
: She's not. Shane McCutcheon
: Until you have some concrete evidence I'd say drop it. Alice
: Alright I think she killed Mr. Piddles! That's what! Tina
: Oh my God, why would she do that? Alice
: Maybe she didn't like the competition. Shane McCutcheon
: It's because Mr. Piddles was going to inherit Dana's fortune and Tonya murdered him to be next in line. Right... Right? Drop it.
: Come on. Alice
: F*cking cranky.
Carmen de la Pica Morales
: [snickering, to Shane
] Big butch: go unload the truck. Moira
: [tosses bag at Shane
: [almost falls over catching the bag
Carmen de la Pica Morales
: It's like one minute you're my girlfriend, you're on my side, you love me and the next minute... Shane McCutcheon
: I don't wanna lose your family! Okay? I don't want them to hate me. I think it would be really fucked if they sat there and blamed me for this, which I'm so sure they already have. Carmen de la Pica Morales
: What do you know about family?
: Where's Carmen? Shane
: Ugh, I'm in the shithouse. Alice
: Why? Shane
: Carmen had a dream that I gave Cherie Jaffe a fucking tattoo. Alice
: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen. I had a girl who dreamt that I fucked David Schwimmer. Alice
: [Shane stares at her
] Well, Friends was on a lot. Dana
: Actually, when we were going out, I had a dream you were a midget. Shane
: [laughs, Alice nudges her
: But I wasn't mad at you or anything.
: If you want to stick around a little longer and then I could take you out. Molly Kroll
] Sure. Shane McCutcheon
: What? Molly Kroll
: My mother told me all about your little game. You're like the Fonz, or something, for lesbians. Shane McCutcheon
: Bullshit. The Fonz? Molly Kroll
: Yeah, Happy Days. Shane McCutcheon
: No, I'm not the Fonz. I'm not Happy Days. It's just a - -
] Shane McCutcheon
: Alright, I give it to you're sassy. Molly Kroll
: I'm not sassy, I'm bored. But not bored enough to sleep with you.
Carmen de la Pica Morales
: ...Are you jealous?
[talking about Carmen flirting with guys in her DJ-booth
] Shane McCutcheon
: NO! I'm not fucking jealous... it just made me sad. Carmen de la Pica Morales
: Oh! You were so fucking sad that you go off and fuck Cherie Jaffe... SHANE! What kind of psychotic response is thaat?
] Carla McCutcheon
: That would fix everything huh? Go to hell. Shane McCutcheon
: [Dana is hallucinating after having taken lsd with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert
] Hey, you know who's a lesbian? Sara Quin
: Dana Fairbanks! Dana
: ...I am not! Shane McCutcheon
: What? Sara Quin
: Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!
[repeatedly during a poker game at Bette and Tina's
] Shane McCutcheon
: Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear.
: That's the cycle of life. We start out eating baby food and wearing a diaper and we go out that way.
: [to Mark, with urge to pee, but having seen that Jenny and Carmen are having sex in the bathroom
] Use the bushes.
] I like a girl with ambition. Carmen de la Pica Morales
: [also laughs
] Fuck you! Shane
: Okay, if you want.
: [sitting on counter
] Hey you want one?
[to Cammie as she walks passed
: Oh no I'm good thanks. Shane McCutcheon
: Hey listen they're not gay I promise. Alice
: Oh my God! What if they were gay? What if the brownies were gay? Shane McCutcheon
] They're all f*cking each other. Alice
: [in brownie voice
] You're hot.