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: I just don't know why we can't work it out. Jenny Schecter
: Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.
: Oh, guess what. Umm... We got a mention on MySpace and we took out an ad on OurChart.
: [Alice and Jenny are explaining the concept of the online version of The Chart to Helena.
] Do you have to sleep with someone first? Alice Pieszecki
: Well, I mean, when I first put it up, that was the core concept. Like, you know, Jenny slept with Tina, who slept with Annie... Helena Peabody
: [to Jenny
] You slept with Tina? Jenny Schecter
: Nooo! I would never sleep with Tina. Alice Pieszecki
: No, no, hypothetically.
: There's Gabby Deveaux. Helena Peabody
: Whoa, that's a lot of hookups. Alice Pieszecki
] Yeah, she's a whore.
: [to Helena
] Oh, my God! You're right. Look at this. This girl has slept with one thousand, one hundred... Oh! She just added a name. Now it's one thousand, one hundred and fifty one.
: [after Marina is out of earshot
] Do you think she'll have sex with us? Jenny Schecter
: [after a pause
] No. Claude Mondrian
: Ask her.
: [to Alice and Helena
] Of course I'm going to read my own reviews. Why shouldn't I?
: [to Max
] Alice worked for weeks setting this wedding up. Helena spent a small fortune.
: [to Max
] What Shane did is terrible and completely unforgivable.
: It's illegal to keep a child out of school. Shane McCutcheon
: Well let them arrest me.
: I only chose books to review that hold significance to me. Jenny Schecter
: Why does "Some of Her Parts" hold significance to you? Stacy Merkin
: My partner's a survivor.
: [reading Stacey's review
] "Self indulgent and self pitying".
: Fuck you, Stacey Merkin! Fuck you!
] Jenny Schecter
: Stacey! Stacey!
: Why are you applying for a job as a receptionist? Helena Peabody
: I would pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects, otherwise I'm gonna be stuck here with Alice in this sweet little one bedroom.
: [playing Celebrity
] I don't know who Terrell Owens is.
[All the straight people laugh and all the gay people draw blanks
: Football player. Tina Kennard
: Oh. Straight Guy
: He's the most talented receiver in football. Straight Woman
: And he appeared with a "Desperate Housewife" in a commercial. She dropped her towel. Helena Peabody
: The desperate... what?
: And the thing is the vagina's girlfriend was molested and now she's like this perfect saint, which is awesome - and I was abused and now I'm like this fucked up nitwit, but that's my experience. Alice Pieszecki
: I get it, I totally get it, I'm just saying I think you should let it go. It's a tiny magazine, who reads it? And didn't Elle say something great about, what "refreshingly literate?" That's huge - that's Elle, concentrate on that.
: Are you thinking about having sex with me right now? Moira
: It's crossed my mind...
[Jenny's stepfather orders her out of the house after catching her and Moira having sex
: You've wanted me out ever since I got here! What's the matter, Warren? Am I too *fucked up* for you! Huh? Am I too *perverted* for you!
: I don't know what more we can do. Jenny
: Nothing. There is nothing more you can do for me to make me the person you are comfortable with.
[Jenny is writing. Scenes from the party are intercut with a hallucination of her English professor as Abraxas
: I'm sitting in the chair, writhing in agony. A demon, a minor demon, is pinning me there, fucking with my head. 'Abraxas', he says, 'I'm Abraxas, the demon of lies and deceit'. Abraxas
: So, what do you want to know about lies, my dear? Jenny
: I'm not a liar, I try again to get up. This time I'm flayed, splayed. I feel myself screaming. Abraxas
: I'll tell you about lies. There are white lies and black lies, and many shades of grey lies. Some lies are justified. Lies told out of kindness, lies that preserve dignity, lies that spare pain.
[Scenes of people at the party telling lies
: Everybody's a liar, dear.
: [to Marina
] Every time I look at you, I feel so completely dismantled.
: How are you? Bette Porter
: How were you when your life fell apart? Jenny Schecter
: I was a mess. Bette Porter
: That's it. That's me.
: [to Shane
] Is that Carmen spinning? Shane McCutcheon
: Yeah, I hooked her up with Kit. Jenny Schecter
: Aren't you going to go say hi? Shane McCutcheon
: [with a forced grin
] I did. Shane McCutcheon
: [at Jenny's look
] What? Jenny Schecter
: I don't know, it's just sometimes you remind me of guys I used to date in high school.
[Mark tries to make amends after Jenny discovers he has been filming her and Shane on hidden cameras
] Mark Wayland
: I wish so much that there was something I could do. Jenny
: No, I don't think there's anything that you can do. I think you did it. Mark Wayland
: When i moved in here, I was the type of guy who was capable of doing shit like this. But i am not that guy anymore. I know that I've said it before, but you and Shane have made me a better man. Jenny
: Oh, fuck off, Mark. It's not my job to make you a better man and I don't give a shit if I've made you a better man. It's not a fucking woman's job to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that some fucking man can evolve. Mark Wayland
: That's not what I meant. Jenny
: What the fuck are you talking about, then, Mark? You give me one reason why you think that I should forgive you. Mark Wayland
: Because, Jenny. I made a big, big mistake. But from that I have learned how difficult it is to be a woman. Jenny
: Ugh. Please.
] Mark Wayland
: Wait, Jenny! Hey! Look at this!
: What are you doing? Mark Wayland
: Is this what you want? Jenny
[Hurls a pen at him
: What I want is for you to write "fuck me" on your chest. Write it. Do it! And then I want you to walk out that door and I want you to walk down the street, and anybody that wants to fuck you, say, "Sure! Sure! No problem!" And when they do, you have to say, "Thank you very, very much." And make sure that you have a smile on your face. And then, you stupid fucking coward, you're gonna know what it feels like to be a woman.
: So this is what I want you to do. Ok, so you're going to look at her and you're going to take her and you're gonna throw her against the sink - BAM! And you're gonna look at her with PASSION and then you - don't worry I wont kiss you - you're gonna take her and you're gonna kiss her with tongue. And then I want you to reach down and then I want you to fingerfuck her... and give her the best fucking orgasm ever. Go for it! Isabella
: OH, you mean with my hand? Jenny Schecter
: Yeah. Unless you have some other apparati I don't know about. Isabella
: [as Bev
] - 'How exciting... You're ovulating. Let's make a baby!'... Jenny Schecter
: Passion! That's okay. Okay, wauw, it looks like you guys are sort of doing a dance. Isabella
: Do you want to see my hand? Jenny Schecter
: I'd like to. Might be nice for you to look like you're actually giving her pleasure rather than moving furniture. You know, that looks like you're sewing up a hole in her jeans. You guys really don't know how to fuck women, do you?
] Jenny Schecter
: [to Shane
] You know what? It's the ultimate betrayal. You've broken my heart.
: Did you know that Tina is pregnant? Jenny Schecter
: Yeah. Bette you didn't know? Oh my GOD how did you not know? Bette Porter
: Because I am the biggest fucking asshole in the universe, I guess that's how! Because I am just some huge cosmological joke, is what I am! Jenny Schecter
: No you're not. Okay. Tina obviously must have gone out of her way to keep this a secret from you. Bette Porter
: She must hate me. She must actually fucking hate me. Jenny Schecter
: No she doesn't hate you.
[Jenny barges in on a meeting she was deliberately left out of
] Tina Kennard
: Oh Jenny, we thought that you were uh... Jenny Schecter
: That I was uh... completely clueless? Someone to fuck with? Tina Kennard
: No, of course not... Jenny Schecter
: Someone who didn't realize what a lying duplicitous scheming excuse you are for a friend?
] Jenny Schecter
: Be careful if you're doing business with this woman because she actually eats her own. Kate Arden
: Actually, Jenny, Tina's been a really good friend to you, as a matter of fact she's protected you... Jenny Schecter
: She just wants to fuck you! She does. She just wants to get in your pants... Tina Kennard
: Shut the fuck up, Jenny, OK? You're a cunt! Bette almost lost her job because of you!
: [after shooting one of the rednecks with a taser gun
] We're not fags, idiot! We're DYKES!
: Jenny: It's not too late. Do you know why? You're so lovely.
: [to Tim's wife
] You know, before he left me, he gave me a revenge-fuck.
: I never said I was a lesbian. Annette Bishop
: So it just came out of nowhere and bit you on the ass like that? Cause I mean... I love women... yeah. I mean, for the companionship. I figure I could do without the company of men entirely except dude... I can't get down with the puss. I love a dick. Jenny Schecter
: I think I'm bisexual. Annette Bishop
: Oh brother... Jenny Schecter
: I do... I really do. Annette Bishop
: Jenny, is this just your way of telling me that you had a crush on me in college? Jenny Schecter
: Annette! I mean... no. Annette Bishop
: You're lying. You were madly in love with me. But seriously, I gotta get a look at this Marina, to see if she's worth it. Jenny Schecter
: No. Annette Bishop
: Yeah. Jenny Schecter
: Oh, no. Annette Bishop
: Yeah... no we gotta stalk her. No we gotta stalker her, Jenny, just a little bit so I can see. Jenny Schecter
: No, no, no! No stalking! Annette Bishop
: Why? Jenny Schecter
: Because... um... her girlfriend's back in town. Annette Bishop
: Her girlfriend? Jenny Schecter
: I know... Annette Bishop
: Man, does this story get any better?
: We're gonna fuck in a closet? Jenny Schecter
: The irony hasn't escaped me.