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: [seeing Bette rub her shoulder
] Do you have a knot? Do you want me to unlock it? Bette Porter
: Uh... it... it's okay. No, really, it's fine. Nadia
: [rubbing Bette's shoulders anyway
] Oh, wow. You are really tight. God, do you feel that? It's right there. Bette Porter
] Nadia, please... Nadia
: Do you want me to find you a body worker? Because, oh my gosh, I have the most amazing Ayurvedic healer, and he, he went so deep... Bette Porter
: I, uh, I'd prefer a woman.
[Bette's embarrassed and realizes what she just blurted out
: [a beat
] Well. That can be arranged, Dean Porter.
: I just need to find out, uh, what conferences C.U. has hosted. I know that we did the Global Sustainability last August... Nadia
: Where Dr. Gorsham sustained multiple hickeys from his two teaching assistants. Bette Porter
: You mean he slept with both of them? Nadia
: Don't be shocked. It happens all the time. Bette Porter
: Well, that doesn't make it acceptable. Nadia
: No, but we're all adults, Bette. I mean, in a cloistered environment like a university, it would be absurd to think that there weren't relationships between faculty and students.
: Bette, did you just say something about a crazy, hot, women's party? Bette Porter
: My sister Kit she owns The Planet in West Hollywood. They're dong this party called "Rancho Notorious". Phyllis Kroll
: And it's all women? Bette Porter
: Only Thursday's. Thursday is girls' night at the planet. Phyllis Kroll
: Would it be too much of an imposition if I asked to join you?
: [regarding Henry's house
] Yeah, it's fine. I'd re-model it but I don't live here. Bette Porter
Woman At Party
: Your daughter is adorable. Bette Porter
: [looking at Angelica's picture
] Thank you. Woman At Party
: What would you do if one day she decided to that she wanted to live with her Father? Tina Kennard
: We don't call him the Father; we call him the donor.
: Look, I'm not a homophobe, you know what I'm saying? But, uh... Look, if my son came home and he told me that he was gay... I mean, I'm sure I would come around to it but... You know, at first there would be a reaction and... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here, alright? Bette Porter
: An honest homophobe, how nice. Tina Kennard
: Bette, don't get into it. Bette Porter
: No, I... I understand, Brad. I mean, you find gay sex repulsive and you don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do for your own comfort level. Right?
: [about Phyllis
] I can't believe she actually came.
: [speaking rapidly with a lowered voice
] Girls, girls, okay, here's the deal: Phyllis Kroll, Executive Vice Chancellor of California University, very accomplished, very dignified, very much my boss, I repeat, very much my boss. She's been married twenty five years and is now at this relatively late date convinced she's a lesbian and is peeking out of the closet as we speak, so please, please, please be nice to her and try to talk to her and try not to make her feel like she's the oldest fucking lesbian on the planet.
] Bette Porter
: Phyllis! Hi, it's good to see you.
: [to Alice
] We have a situation, Alice.
: [to Alice
] My boss is attracted to you. Alice Pieszecki
: Phyllis. Phyllis Kroll
, Bette Porter
: Alice? Alice Pieszecki
: [to Bette
] Hello, Professor Porter. Phyllis Kroll
: Dean Porter, Alice. You're demoting her.
: Would it be wrong if I told you, I have never wanted to kiss someone more than I want to kiss you right now. Bette Porter
: I especially loved Alice. She's so vibrant. Bette Porter
: Yeah, she's a great girl. Phyllis Kroll
: So, do you think she liked me?
: Wow. Are you... are you an athlete? Bette Porter
: [a beat
] No. Why? Nadia Karella
: Because you have, uhh... because you have very beautiful arms. Bette Porter
: [laughs nervously
] Uhh, I do some, you know, some yoga every now and again. I just, I really don't have any time to do anything more than that. Nadia Karella
: My ex-girlfriend was a professional boxer and your arms sort of reminded me of hers. Bette Porter
] Well, I'm not a boxer, so I better not get into a ring with her.
[Both laugh awkwardly
: I think I'm gonna throw up. Shane McCutcheon
: Oh, umm... Look, the bathroom's right over there. Helena Peabody
: Shane... Shane McCutcheon
: What? Helena Peabody
: You should go with him. Shane McCutcheon
: What the hell am I supposed to do? Bette Porter
: Hold his hair. Shane McCutcheon
: He doesn't have any hair!
: [about Shane looking after Shay
] She's so not ready for this.
: [to Alice
] This is crazy. We're never gonna find him here.
: I feel so sad for Angus. Bette Porter
: Actually, you can be sad for yourself, too.
: I think I'm a lesbian, Bette. Bette Porter
: [at Joyce Wichnia's office
] Tina's not qualified to parent a biracial child. Tina Kennard
: Oh, yeah, and I was qualified to sleep with one for eight years? Bette Porter
: Obviously, you weren't qualified for *that*, either!
: Can I get a sippy cup? Does anybody have a sippy cup!? Jesus!
: Well, I'm glad to see that you've made your decision. Bette Porter
: What decision have we made? Joyce Wischnia
: Mommy dearest one and mommy dearest two will be fighting this out in a court of law... which in the end is not a terrible thing. Tina Kennard
: How is that not a terrible thing? Bette Porter
: Yeah, in what universe is that not a terrible thing? Joyce Wischnia
: Well, in the universe of my bank account for one.
: [to Tina
] Are you still using iCal?
: [on the phone with Joyce, about Tina
] What can she do? Worst case scenario if she decides to be the hypocritical monster we already know she is?
: [on the phone to Phyllis
] Phyllis... Yeah, I can't wait to get started... I will see you on campus on Monday.
: [having figured out that they are in Tina and Bette's bedroom right after Tina's been inseminated
] Wait. So, we could be here at the moment of conception. Bette
] You could. Yes. Shane
: Well then, I'm really sorry. Would you like us to leave? Bette
] That would be too late.
: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided
] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on. Dana
: Well, she sends me food. Bette
: Mmmhmmm. Dana
: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know. Tina
: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them? Dana
: No, she just sends them. Bette
: But she hasn't spoken to you. Dana
: No. Shane
] Ask her out. Bette
: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club. Dana
: Exactly. Alice
: [rolling her eyes
] Please don't encourage her. Bette
: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this. Alice
] You mean? Bette
: I mean. Dana
: [laughing but obviously clueless
] What? Bette
] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.
: [to Bette who has answered the door in her bathrobe
] Hi, were you sleeping? Bette
: Not exactly. Alice
: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered. Bette
: So the logical conclusion was just to come over? Alice
: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff. Bette
: Uh-Hunh. Shane
: Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice. Dana
: [Looking very sheepish and pitiful
] I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry. Bette
] It's okay Dana. We were finished. Dana
: [realizing what Bette means
] Oh my God...
[Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay
: All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck. Bette
: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she moves that chopping knife. Shane
: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip. Alice
: [to Bette and Tina
] Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention. Tina
: Yeah, but you guys, she's got nine points in the lez column and she only has seven in the straight. Alice
: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus five percentage points. Bette
: You know what we have to do.
[They all look at Shane who looks back warily
: It has to end. Tina
: But seriously, Alice, you can't let Gabby continue to treat you this way. Alice
: You guys don't know her. I know it looks like she's treating me like shit, but it's... she's just, you know... Tina
: Treating you like shit, Al. Alice
: Maybe, it's just... Bette
: No. It's just you deserve better. Alice
: I do? All right, I do. But... I just feel like at times, she's, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don't even exist. Tina
: That's because she's an emotional cripple. Bette
: Yeah. Emotional cripple, slash, narcissistic personality disorder. Tina
: And the next time she calls you? You have to end it. Alice
: I know. It's just... Bette
] It's just nothing. Tina
: What are you gonna do? Alice
: Well, I was gonna ask her... Bette
: No asking. Tina
: What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way." Bette
: [continuing from Tina
] "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love." Tina
: [picking up from Bette
] "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you." Bette
: "So step off, bitch!" Tina
: Do it.
: All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.
[Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina
] She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here? Tina
: I think it would help.
: You ever notice that whenever Shane walks in the room, someone runs out crying?
: [holding a specimen cup of sperm
] God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.
[Bette enters The Planet and sees Dana
: Is that Dana Fairbanks? Hanging out at The Planet in West Hollywood? Alice
: Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a *gay lady*.
[Dana gives Alice a hostile look
: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male. Dana
: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man. Shane
: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed. Alice
: Oh, my god, it's Yoda. Dana
: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way. Bette
: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.
: I'm trying to meet with Barbara Grisham tomorrow before the hearings. Tina Kennard
: Senator Grisham. Damn, I think she's hot.
: Is your husband as fluid as you are? Senator Barbara Grisham
: My husband. I have an arrangement. Works out well. But none the less.
: Poor Shane. Tina Kennard
: Fuck that! I wouldn't blame Jenny if she never spoke to Shane again. Bette Porter
: [laughs with disbelief
] That's a little harsh. Tina Kennard
: It was unforgivable what Shane did! Bette Porter
: Well, maybe it was wrong, but... Tina Kennard
: Maybe? Bette Porter
: Okay, it was wrong. Tina Kennard
: It was devastating. After everything that Jenny's been through? Her breakup with Niki, the movie, her career? Bette Porter
: Well, Shane's been through a lot too, and she's always been there for Jenny. But Shane is a woman. She has needs... like me. Like all of us.
[Bette and Tina both glare at each other with hostility, obviously thinking back to Bette's own infidelity years earlier, but then back off
] Bette Porter
: Let's not talk about this anymore. Tina Kennard
: You're right... let's not talk anymore.
: Which one of you is the mother? Bette Porter
, Tina Kennard
: We both are. ER Nurse
: I need you to put one name only for Angelica's mother. Bette Porter
: Are you kidding me? ER Nurse
: I can't process your paperwork. Bette Porter
: This is Los Angeles. There are same-sex families on ever fucking street corner! She was born in this fucking hospital, and both of our names are on the fucking birth certificate! So, why don't you just give us a fucking break you straight, bureaucratic maggot, and get our daughter to see a God damn doctor! Please?
: Did you know that Tina is pregnant? Jenny Schecter
: Yeah. Bette you didn't know? Oh my GOD how did you not know? Bette Porter
: Because I am the biggest fucking asshole in the universe, I guess that's how! Because I am just some huge cosmological joke, is what I am! Jenny Schecter
: No you're not. Okay. Tina obviously must have gone out of her way to keep this a secret from you. Bette Porter
: She must hate me. She must actually fucking hate me. Jenny Schecter
: No she doesn't hate you.
[Bette makes a toast
] Bette Porter
: Dana... Tanya. I lift my glass to caring, kindness, and trust, and longevity, and respect. To all the things that you will need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness. And I hope you forever spare each other pain.
[long pause, smiling, holding back tears
] Bette Porter
: And if you find that isn't possible, then I wish you forgiveness.
] Bette Porter
: [Bette walks out without looking at Tina while Tina watches Bette leave
[after Tina rebuffs her attempt at reconciliation yet again
: Tina... I didn't try to see you or call you until now because I wanted to make sure that I could do what you asked of me. I promise, I'm never going to see Candace again. I'm never going to speak to her again. I'm never ever going to think about her again. I miss you. More than that, I made you. And, I don't think I could live without you. It is completely and totally over. Tina
: When did you end it? Bette
: This morning. I told her that you were the love of my life and that I didn't know what I was doing and that I must have gone temporarily insane. Tina
: Did you tell her in person, or on the phone? Bette
: Why does that matter? Tina
: Because I drove by the house at 2:00 AM, and your car wasn't there. Did you fuck ALL night before you told her that I was the love of your life this morning?
: [entering the bathroom
] Baby, are you okay? Tina
] I think my water just broke. Oh my God. Bette
: [calls the hospital
] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.
: I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another. Bette
] I'm actually working on several right now. Peggy Peabody
: Send me one, would you, Bette?
: [as Bette is describing a stroller that seemingly does everything
] Does it do the dishes? Bette
: No, just your taxes.
: I don't know what to do. Tina Kennard
: You're in love with Jodi, right? Bette Porter
: I adore her. And I respect and admire her. But... Tina Kennard
: But what? Bette Porter
: It doesn't really compare.
: [Papi is trash-talking Bette while they are playing basketball against each other
] Who you callin' Brown Barbie, you fuckin' Carmalita Tropicana!
[after Tina slept with a man
: You no longer have the privileges of being my life partner! Tina Kennard
: So which side of the bed is Nina's? Tina Kennard
: I don't know. Um.
[gets up and stands next to the left side of the bed
] Tina Kennard
: Maybe this side?
] Tina Kennard
: Yeah, that feels right. Bette Porter
: So maybe this side would be Bev's side?
[lays down on the right side of the bed
] Tina Kennard
: Yeah. Bette Porter
: Do you have any hard rock candy? Tina Kennard
: No. But I have some pot.
[Bette and Tina both giggle
: [Talking to Jodi, but Bette showing her her back, Jodi cannot read her mouthing
] I'm in love with Tina...
: I was a lesbian in 1974. Bette
: Just 1974? Peggy Peabody
: Just 1974. That was all I needed. Bette
: Well you know, that is what we refer to - Hasbian!
[Bette and Tina are talking on the phone
] Bette Porter
: And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. That woman's a fucking dragon, and she's making my life a living hell.
[Tina does not respond
] Bette Porter
: Oh, please don't tell me you're sleeping with her. Tina
: Bette... Bette Porter
: [frustrated tone
] Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her? Tina
: It's none of your fucking business! Bette Porter
: Don't do it, Tina. That woman will eat you alive. She's a vampire. Tina
] Yeah, and a dragon. Bette Porter
: That's right. She's a monster! However you want to categorize it, she likes to fuck people for sport and... Tina
: And you don't? Like that time with Candace?
[Kit and female dancers are filming a music video in hoochie outfits
: Shit. I feel like I did this. Tina
: No, look she's having fun! Bette
: She's being mounted!
: [Dana is hallucinating after having taken lsd with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert
] Hey, you know who's a lesbian? Sara Quin
: Dana Fairbanks! Dana
: ...I am not! Bette Porter
: What? Tegan Quin
: Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!
: I was a lesbian back in 1974. Bette
: Just 1974? Peggy Peabody
: Yes, that was all I needed. Bette
: That's what we commonly refer to as a "hasbian".
: [regarding the baby's last name
] I think we should do some sort of combo thing. You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing? Bette
: What, like, "Portard"? Tina
: Bette..."Hey poor tard! How's your two moms you big gay-mo?"
: How are you? Bette Porter
: How were you when your life fell apart? Jenny Schecter
: I was a mess. Bette Porter
: That's it. That's me.
: [voiceover at her and Tina's support group
] What's happening to me?... Am I just panicking?... Is this about the baby?... Or am I falling out of love?
: What about men? Bette Porter
] Men? Tina Kennard
: You do know that we're lesbians, right?
[Bette has exposed Faye's daughter's shame on national TV during their debate
] Faye Buckley
: God took your baby, and that is a BLESSING! Your child is with God now and will never be subject to your sick, disgusting perverted lifestyle!
[Bette, for the first time since Tina's miscarriage, starts to cry
: [through her tears
] You monster!