Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes
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Quotes for
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes (Character)
from "Moonlighting" (1985)

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"Moonlighting: The Bride of Tupperman (#2.11)" (1986)
David Addison Jr.: I just had a thought.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: We'd better get you a doctor.

David Addison Jr.: [arguing with Maddie] You kill me.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Oh, if only I could.

Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I'll see you Monday. I'm leaving.
David Addison Jr.: Leaving? Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, what are you doing, doing, doing?

Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: So what if I said I want to get home early?
David Addison Jr.: Big plans?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: No, I wouldn't say big plans. Actually I wouldn't even say plans.
David Addison Jr.: No plans on a Friday night? The day people get paid, the night people get what rhymes with "paid"? The first day of the rest of your weekend?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: It happens.
David Addison Jr.: Really? To you? Is Ripley aware of this?

Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Well, how about music then?
David Addison Jr.: Now you're cooking. I know this great night spot on the West side, the perfect place to make you forget.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Forget what?
David Addison Jr.: See? It's already working.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: By "night spot" you mean soft lights, quiet, a little piano?
David Addison Jr.: Very little piano, in fact not at all.

Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: It's a bad idea, we're not going to agree on anything tonight, anymore than we agree on anything ever.
David Addison Jr.: I disagree.

Agnes DiPesto: I was just coming in.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I was just going out.
Agnes DiPesto: Whoa. What do you think the chances of that ever happening again are?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: You came in here to tell us something?
Agnes DiPesto: Did you just guess that?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: What is it?
Agnes DiPesto: I don't know but a cousin of mine had it too. Answered her front door before anyone rang the bell.

Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: She's only a woman.
David Addison Jr.: Only a woman? Were the '27 Yankees only a baseball team? Are the Himalayas only a bunch of hills? Are 36 inches only a yard?

"Moonlighting: Twas the Episode Before Christmas (#2.10)" (1985)
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: You ever noticed you answer all my questions with a question?
David Addison Jr.: I do?

David Addison Jr.: I don't know if you believe this about me, but I take all this pain and suffering very personally.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I'll bet you do.
David Addison Jr.: Many a night, I sat up thinking
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Imagine sitting and thinking.
David Addison Jr.: And then last night, it hit me.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Left a bruise, I hope.
David Addison Jr.: Who is the one beacon of hope, of fantasy, of joy still left out there in the world?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Steven Spielberg?
David Addison Jr.: Santy Claus!
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Oh, yeah?
David Addison Jr.: But all is not well at the North Pole.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: No, huh?
David Addison Jr.: No, Maddie, you see we're living in an age of state of the art technology, global travel, split-second communications.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Is that bad?
David Addison Jr.: It is if you're Kris Kringle.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Do tell.
David Addison Jr.: All right, I will. You're a child.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Watch it.
David Addison Jr.: You want to tell Santa Claus what to bring you for Christmas. What do you do?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Write a letter.
David Addison Jr.: Ha! I can see you haven't been around a lot of kids. Nobody writes anymore.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: They don't?
David Addison Jr.: Hell, no! They're too busy studying for SATs, applying for credit cards, going through detox.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: The joys of childhood.
David Addison Jr.: And that's where Santa's Hotline comes in. By simply dialing our convenient 900 number, children from all over the free world can converse directly, and in total privacy, with old St. Nick, or one of his personally appointed helpers, all for the low, low price of $1.75 a minute, plus the cost of the toll call. Prices may vary outside the continental United States. You like?

Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I hate.
David Addison Jr.: You want to take a second to think about it?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Just when I think you've sunk as low as you can go, you find a basement door!

Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: [about the baby Agnes found in her apartment] She has no business keeping that baby and you know it.
David Addison Jr.: I don't know it. I don't know anything.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Will you put that in writing?

David Addison Jr.: I just had a thought.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: There's a first.

"Moonlighting: Moonlighting (Pilot) (#1.1)" (1985)
[repeated throughout series during arguments]
David Addison: [yelling] Fine!
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: [yelling] Fine!
[both stalk into their offices and slam the doors behind them]

Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: How do you know he's dead?
David Addison: It's either that or the man wears an obscene amount of blue rouge.

Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I want some answers!
David Addison: Deleware, all of the above, and 90 degrees.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: ...what?

David Addison: Looks to me like you didn't finish the whole nine innings.
Criminal: What?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: What?
David Addison: Don't gang up on me! I don't write this stuff.

Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: "Ball of fluff"? *You* are calling *me* a ball of fluff? You? The sissyfighter?
David Addison: What did you call me?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Sissyfighter!

"Moonlighting: In God We Strongly Suspect (#2.13)" (1986)
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: [leaning against David to sleep] Don't get any ideas.
David Addison Jr.: Don't need to. Brought plenty of them with me.

Dr. Nealy: I'm Dr. Nealy. Can I help you?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I'm Madelyn Hayes and this is David Addison. We're investigators. We'd like to ask you a question about Mr. Kandinski, the magician.
Dr. Nealy: And that would be what?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: When you sent him to the mortuary, was he dead?
Dr. Nealy: Was he dead? No. He just checked in, had his chest cracked open, his lungs drained, his brain weighed, and his stomach emptied onto a table. After that he walked out of here and caught a bus. Hell, yes, he was dead!

David Addison Jr.: Aren't you going to tell me we can't take this case?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Why would I do that?
David Addison Jr.: I dunno. That's what you always do.

David Addison Jr.: Maddie, why are we doing this?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: David, we were hired to do a job. We failed. We have a responsibility to inform our client.
David Addison Jr.: We have a responsibility to protect our client. She came to us because she was scared of her husband. Call me oversensitive, but I do not think we should walk into her house first thing in the morning and tell her he ceased to be deceased.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Ceased to be deceased? Who said he ceased to be deceased?
David Addison Jr.: Well, how else are you gonna explain a stiff taking a stroll?

David Addison Jr.: Maddie, I don't know how to break this to you, but the Kandinsky case? It's closed.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Closed?
David Addison Jr.: Closed.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: David, how can you say the case is closed when the client just turned up dead?
David Addison Jr.: Yeah, well, crazy as it seems, I only work for live clients. Habit I got into when I started to eat. I'm going home.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Going home?
David Addison Jr.: Going home. Look, Maddie, face it. The Great Kandinsky did it. I don't know how he did it, but he did it. He died, came back, and took care of the one thing...
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: [interrupting] That's ridiculous!
David Addison Jr.: That's amazing! But that's what seems to have happened.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I'm sorry, but I will never be able to believe that.
David Addison Jr.: You're forgiven. But will you please tell me why you cannot accept the fact that there are things that happen that no one can understand?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Because that's not how life works!
David Addison Jr.: Oh, forgive me. You know how life works?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I know how I think life works, yes. And behind every mystery, behind every unexplained phenomenon, there's usually a perfectly logical explanation.
David Addison Jr.: Really?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Really.
David Addison Jr.: Rainbows.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Light refracted by moisture.
David Addison Jr.: The Bermuda Triangle.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: A myth and a hoax.
David Addison Jr.: The '69 Mets.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes, David Addison Jr.: A myth and a hoax.

"Moonlighting: Brother, Can You Spare a Blonde? (#2.1)" (1985)
David Addison Jr.: [to his brother] For you to be a success, the laws of nature would have to be repealed.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Addison.
Richard Addison: Are you saying I'm dumb?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Addison!
David Addison Jr.: No, I'm not saying you're dumb. Saying it would be cruel.

David Addison Jr.: [talking about the agency] Lady how many times do I have to tell you. We are sitting on a money machine here. We just have to figure out how to turn it on that's all.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: You are a preposterous human being, do you know that? A preposterous human being.
David Addison Jr.: Why because I believe in thinking postitive?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Thinking positive? David we are standing on the decks of the Titanic, and you are suggesting songs to the band. This business doesn't work, no one calls, no one comes in, its breaking your heart, and its bankrupting me.

"Moonlighting: Symphony in Knocked Flat (#3.3)" (1986)
Maddie, David: [Overlapping] I am not speaking to you!-Are too!-I am not!- Are too!- Am not! Are too! Am not!
Maddie: Not another word, not another sound, not another beep until we get back to the office!
David: Beep.

Agnes DiPesto: The FBI's here to see you.
Maddie, David: The FBI?
[Agnes nods]
Maddie: Did they say why?
Agnes DiPesto: Just that it's "of the utmost urgency and of vital national importance".
David: Can't it wait until we're done arguing, Miss DiPesto?

"Moonlighting: Funeral for a Door Nail (#2.17)" (1986)
David Addison Jr.: [at a nude peep show, feeding quarters into the viewing slot] One for the money, two for the glitz, three to get ready, now let's see some...
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: David!
David Addison Jr.: Something. Let's... let's see something.

Celia Clements: [entering Blue Moon and bumping into David] Excuse me. I guess I wasn't looking where I was going.
David Addison Jr.: You had any idea how you'd look, you'd pay a little more attention.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: [shoving David out of the way] Can we help you?
Celia Clements: I don't know.
David Addison Jr.: I do. Unless you're Lindbergh's baby or Jimmy Hoffa, it's gonna wait until Monday.
[David exits the office]
Celia Clements: My name is Celia Clements.
David Addison Jr.: [pausing in the hallway and turning around] WHO?

"Moonlighting: Sleep Talkin' Guy (#2.16)" (1986)
[last lines]
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Well, well, you did it again. I suppose you're going to get credit for all this.
David Addison Jr.: I suppose so...
[David ducks in time to avoid being hit by a plate someone threw at him]
David Addison Jr.: You mad?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Mad?
David Addison Jr.: Mad. I mean, I guess you have the right to be a little mad.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I'm not mad.
David Addison Jr.: Good.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I'm...
[Maddie punches David so hard that he is thrown to the other side of the room]
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: ...livid.

David Addison Jr.: I think I figured out the key to our success.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Separate offices?
David Addison Jr.: We're on the same wavelength, you and I. We communicate.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: We what?
David Addison Jr.: Don't be funny. It doesn't become me.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: So, it's our anniversary, huh?
David Addison Jr.: So, it's our anniversary, uh huh.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: My goodness, I had no idea.
David Addison Jr.: That's okay. I've got lots of them. I'll loan you one.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: So that's why you're here?
David Addison Jr.: We're a team, Maddie! Spinks and Holmes, Sears and Roebuck, Heckle and Jekyll.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: They're still working together?
David Addison Jr.: Think about it, Maddie. I think it's pretty amazing. We stuck it out through thick and thin. Through good cases, through bad cases.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Through no cases.
David Addison Jr.: We've lasted longer than some people stay married. You wanna know why?
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I told you. Separate offices.

"Moonlighting: Every Daughter's Father Is a Virgin (#2.14)" (1986)
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I know my father!
David Addison Jr.: Yes, but do you know your mother's husband?

David Addison Jr.: [about Maddie's parents visiting] Maddie, don't worry. I'm not going to embarrass you.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: You leaving town?
David Addison Jr.: I'm leaving your office.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: That's a start.

"Moonlighting: The Murder's in the Mail (#1.6)" (1985)
David Addison: You think that Alexander Graham Bell sat back in his workshop and said, "Why am I inventing the telephone? No one else has one. Who'm I going to call?" Heck no! He got out there, did what he had to do, invented the telephone, dialed a number 'til people got good and sick of all that ringing, and went out and bought a telephone so they could answer it!
Maddie Hayes: Don't tell me you read that in your book.
David Addison: Back of a milk carton.

Security Officer: I'm sorry, but you're not on the guest list.
David Addison: That's because we're not guests. We're looking for a man with a mole on his nose.
Security Officer: A mole on his nose ?
Maddie Hayes: A mole on his nose.
Security Officer: [to Maddie] What kind of clothes?
Maddie Hayes: [to David] What kind of clothes?
David Addison: What kind of clothes do you suppose?
Security Officer: What kind of clothes do I suppose would be worn by a man with a mole on his nose? Who knows?
David Addison: Did I happen to mention, did I bother to disclose, that this man that we're seeking with the mole on his nose? I'm not sure of his clothes or anything else, except he's Chinese, a big clue by itself.
Maddie Hayes: How do you do that?
David Addison: Gotta read a lot of Dr. Seuss.
Security Officer: I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report, I haven't seen anyone at all of that sort. Not a man who's Chinese with a mole on his nose with some kind of clothes that you can't suppose. So get away from this door and get out of this place, or I'll have to hurt you - put my foot in your face

"Moonlighting: Next Stop Murder (#1.5)" (1985)
Maddie: I was not born yesterday!
David: It's true. I had lunch with her yesterday. If she'da been born, I would have noticed.

"Moonlighting: Witness for the Execution (#2.15)" (1986)
[Maddie has entered David's office, and found him looking like hell]
David Addison Jr.: All I gotta do is zip, tuck, comb, and shave. I will be the same old David you've known and loved.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Is that a promise or a threat?

"Moonlighting: Yours, Very Deadly (#3.4)" (1986)
[after Maddie accidentally walks in on Agnes making out with a man in the agency office]
Agnes DiPesto: [sadly] I'm sorry.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: That's not why I called you in here.
Agnes DiPesto: [hopefully] Well, I'm sorry anyway?

"Moonlighting: North by North DiPesto (#2.12)" (1986)
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Miss DiPesto. She's been acting very strangely.
David Addison Jr.: Really? How can you tell?

"Moonlighting: Camille (#2.18)" (1986)
David Addison Jr.: [entering Maddie's office] I just had a thought.
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: How is that possible?

"Moonlighting: Blonde on Blonde (#3.11)" (1987)
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: David, believe it or not, there are things that happen in this world that have nothing to do with you.
David Addison Jr.: You can't prove that. You don't know what I do when I'm not in this office.

"Moonlighting: Portrait of Maddie (#2.8)" (1985)
[doing the company books, Maddie realizes they've managed to turn a profit]
Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: David, my God!
David Addison Jr.: Isn't that redundant?

"Moonlighting: Maddie's Turn to Cry (#3.13)" (1987)
Maddie Hayes: [crying in David's arms] I hate you, David Addison.
David Addison: [hugging her] I know. I hate you too, Maddie Hayes. I've always hated you.

"Moonlighting: Tracks of My Tears (#4.10)" (1988)
Maddie: How are you all doing? What's happened?
Agnes DiPesto: Well, we've been busy: Five of our clients killed their spouses for the insurance money. Eight were part of love triangles where one member was killed by the other two. And Bert and I did episodes of our own.