Agent 13
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Quotes for
Agent 13 (Character)
from "Get Smart" (1965)

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"Get Smart: Perils in a Pet Shop (#2.13)" (1966)
Agent 13: [hiding inside a weight and fortune machine] Hi 86, Agent 13 here.
Maxwell Smart: What have you got, 13?
Agent 13: Claustrophobia and flat feet.

Maxwell Smart: Take my watch as security.
Agent 13: Yeah, well, I don't know, 86...
[starts examining it]
Maxwell Smart: It's a perfectly good watch!
Agent 13: Look at that, one of Mickey Mouse' hands is broken.

Maxwell Smart: Well, have you seen anything weird or suspicious?
Agent 13: [grinning] Not til you came along.


"Get Smart: The Mummy (#2.19)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: Listen, 13, if you hate your job so much, why don't you get into some other line of business?
Agent 13: Because I'm a trained espionage agent. And besides, it runs in the family.
Maxwell Smart: Your father was a spy?
Agent 13: No, my mother.
Maxwell Smart: Really?
Agent 13: Yeah. She was very big in world war one.
Maxwell Smart: No kidding. What's her name?
Agent 13: I don't know, she won't tell us.

Agent 13: Oh, 86 will you do me a favor?
Maxwell Smart: What?
Agent 13: Eh, you won't tell the Chief that my mother's a spy, will ya?
Maxwell Smart: Well, ok, but why?
Agent 13: I don't think she's on our side.


"Get Smart: The Decoy (#2.7)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: What are you so grouchy about today?
Agent 13: [hiding in a trash can] Because I didn't sleep a wink last night, that's why. Every time I dozed off somebody dropped garbage on me.

Maxwell Smart: There are worse assignments than this. I once knew an agent who was locked in a washing machine for three days.
Agent 13: That was me, 86!
Maxwell Smart: Yes, I forgot
Agent 13: I came out so wrinkled I had to iron my skin.


"Get Smart: Bronzefinger (#2.12)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: I've got to get out of here. I've got a appointment in the restoring room.
Agent 13: You're not seeing my little Dutch girl, are ya?
Maxwell Smart: Don't be ridiculous, of course not. My date is with Bronzefinger.

Maxwell Smart: [Max opens the Chief's wall safe] What's 13 doing in there?
Agent 13: The Chief said I've been out on field trips too long. So he gave me this nice, soft office job.
Maxwell Smart: It's awfully small. Tell me, 13, how did you get in there?
Agent 13: The Chief gave me the combination.


Get Smart, Again! (1989) (TV)
Agent 13: What's our assignment? Find Hotentot?
Maxwell Smart: 13! How did you know that?
Agent 13: I still got my contacts, Max. I got a friend inside the White House, really inside. She's in the plumbing!

Maxwell Smart: Where have you been keeping yourself?
Agent 13: [lying in a cabinet drawer] Oh, here and there, just part-time spying now. Two weeks in a toilet in Talido, a voodoo drum in Haiti. That was kind of fun, like a vacation.


"Get Smart: The Spy Who Met Himself (#3.1)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: So, the old double agent with the two faces in the twin locker trick.
Agent 13, Impostor 13: I'm the real 13, he's the imposter!
Agent 13: No he's an imposter.
Impostor 13: He is!


"Get Smart: The Man from YENTA (#2.21)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: [13 is hiding in the chimney of Prince Ali Ben Bubee's suite] Look, I know you got a lonely job, 13, but there's no need to be sarcastic about it.
Agent 13: Well, it does have its' compensations. The other side of this chimney opens on the harem girls' suite.


"Get Smart: Kiss of Death (#2.15)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: [Agent 44 is stationed in a sofa and a woman has just filled his glass] Who was that?
Agent 13: [takes a sip of wine] Aah. Oh, that was agent 93. Since I had to keep surveillance at a party, the Chief was nice enough to let me take along a date.


"Get Smart: Goodbye Ms. Chip (#1.3)" (1995)
Zach Smart: Uncle Agent 13? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in Florida.
Agent 13: [hiding in a bowl of coleslaw] I'm doing a favor for your old man. Listen: I overheard two guys talking about killing President Mazabuka.
Agent 66: What did they look like?
Agent 13: Well, I couldn't see, I had coleslaw in my eyes. They used too much mayonnaise.


"Get Smart: The Only Way to Die (#2.4)" (1966)
Agent 13: I'm sitting in a mailbox and you're telling me I don't know what it's like to be cooped up in a small room? I'd love to be cooped up in a small room. I'd give anything to to be cooped up in something as big as a small room.
Maxwell Smart: Take it easy, 13, take it easy.
Agent 13: Every assignment I get I'm always locked up in something small. I'm always in a mailbox or a scale or a locker or a grandfathers clock or a tree - you know what happened when I was stationed in that tree at the rubber plantation place?
Maxwell Smart: What?
Agent 13: I was tapped! Try that some time! Try standing up all night with a spigot in your stomach!


Get Smart (2008)
Agent 13: Are you coming back this way?
Maxwell Smart: Oh... Yea, maybe.
Agent 13: What time?
Maxwell Smart: Oh... Mmmm...
Agent 13: I get it... I get it... No one wants to talk to a guy in a tree, I get it.
Maxwell Smart: Please don't cry... just... don't cry.


The Nude Bomb (1980)
Maxwell Smart: 22 was married to the late, great 78? Wasn't he a little old for her?
Agent 13: [hiding in Popular Spy magazine] Well, let's see. 22 was 21 when she married 78 in '72. 78 was 46, that means 78 was 22, 32, 42, 25 years older than 22. 22 joined P.I.T.S when 78 died in 75.
Maxwell Smart: Tell me, 13, how was 78 killed?
Agent 13: Investigating the numbers racket.


"Get Smart: Someone Down Here Hates Me (#2.17)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: [13 is hiding in an ice cream vending machine] Agent 13?
Agent 13: No, it's the abominable snowman. Of course it's me.
Maxwell Smart: All right, what have you got, 13?
Agent 13: You name it: pneumonia, bronchitis, frostbite, the flu.


"Get Smart: Casablanca (#2.6)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: 13, what did you see?
Agent 13: [hiding in a locker chewing a sandwich and drinking milk] Nothing, I'm on my lunch break.
Maxwell Smart: A man has just been murdered, doesn't that mean anything to you?
Agent 13: Not from twelve to one.
Maxwell Smart: Listen, 13, if you don't straigten up and fly right, I'm gonna see to it that on your next assignment you're put inside of an incenerator.


"Get Smart: Maxwell Smart, Alias Jimmy Ballantine (#2.5)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: What have you learned?
Agent 13: [hiding in a barber shop towel warmer] I've learned to hate the spy business, that's what I've learned. All Control does is lock me up in solitary. I might as well be a KAOS man.
Maxwell Smart: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Agent 13: I'm sorry, 86. I didn't mean that. It's just when I signed up to be a secret agent I thought I'd be shot or stabbed - I never thought I'd be melted.


"Get Smart: The Expendable Agent (#2.24)" (1967)
Agent 13: It's a lucky thing for me you were in there.
[hiding in cigarette machine]
Agent 13: I've been in here for 72 hours without a break.
Maxwell Smart: 72 hours? You must be starved.
Agent 13: No, but I'm dying for a smoke.