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Quotes for
Chief (Character)
from "Get Smart" (1965)

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Get Smart (2008)
Maxwell Smart: [Agent 99 leans to kiss him] 99 please, nobody here knows we're dating.
The Chief: [walks by] Yes, they do.
Maxwell Smart: On the cheek.
[Agent 99 kisses his cheek]
Agent 99: [as they walk off] Give me a little one.
[Max kisses her on the lips]

Agent 23: If you don't follow the rules here then what are we?
The Chief: I'm telling you what we're not, we're not people who jam staples into other people's heads, that's CIA crap!

Maxwell Smart: Chief I have to say this whole thing really stems my plans. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.
The Chief: Sand trap.
[they crash through a sand dune]
Maxwell Smart: Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!
The Chief: Tractor.
[they crash over a tractor]
Maxwell Smart: Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.
The Chief: Swordfish!
[they crash right into a swordfish]
Maxwell Smart: [car comes to a stop] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: I don't know. Were you thinking, "Holy shit, holy shit, a swordfish almost went through my head"? If so, then yes.

The President: What did the vice-president have to say about this?
The Chief: I'm afraid the vice-president and I had a less then cordial encounter yesterday sir.
The President: Less then cordial you say?
The Chief: Yes sir.
The President: [President watches video of The Chief tackling the Vice-President on a cell phone] Whoa... I'll say.

Agent 99: You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.
Agent 23: You conveniently killed Krstic before anyone could question him.
The Chief: And there's that little matter with you stoning my head with a fire extinguisher.
Maxwell Smart: I said I was sorry, you just didn't hear me because you were in a mini coma.

[after Max kisses agent 23 to distract him, then punch him]
The Chief: Unusual, but effective.

The Chief: If you don't find that screen, Mr. Larabee, I'm Going to have you hunting for land mines... with a hammer!

The Chief: Speak up, son. I'm an old man, you know.

[the cone of silence isn't working]
Maxwell Smart: Chief, I hit you in the head with a fire extinguisher!
The Chief: No, no, we're not ready yet!

[99 is talking to chief on her cell-phone, Max asked to see the phone but she hit the "know-out gas button" on her phone]
Maxwell Smart: Could this be Siegfried?
The Chief: Hello, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Chief?
The Chief: Yes.
[the knock-out gas starts coming out of the phone]
Maxwell Smart: Knock-out gas 99? I've trained my body to be impervious to this whi... that's new stuff.
[Max passes out]

Maxwell Smart: I have obtained a snippet, at great risk to a bus boy in Balad.
[Men start speaking in Punjab on a recording which Max is translating]
Maxwell Smart: "Aftab, how is your coffee?"
Maxwell Smart: "Good, Dalip, it's decaf. How is yours?"
Maxwell Smart: "It is good, also. How is your muffin?"
Maxwell Smart: Powerful stuff
The Chief: So "muffin", then, is a code word?
Maxwell Smart: No, it is comfort food... and quite frankly much more fattening than most people realize. Which begs the question... why would two hardened KAOS agents... risk the carbs?
Maxwell Smart: Because they are under a great deal of stress.
Agent 23: Hence the decaf.
Maxwell Smart: For Aftab yes. Dalip takes his full-strength. Why? Because he has been sleeping on the couch for three days... because he called his sister-in-law a "leathery hag".
Larabee: You know, people often say things in anger they don't really mean. Leathery hag, fat cow, ungrateful whore. Just words really, that shouldn't be used against you in a custody hearing.
Agent 91: Let it go, man, those kids don't even look like you.
The Chief: Can we put a pen in this, please... and go back to Max's extraordinary detailed report?
Maxwell Smart: Thank you, Chief. All I'm saying is... that until we understand that our enemies are also human beings... we will never defeat them. Yes, they are bad guys, but that is what they do, not who they are. Let's continue listening... and bear in mind that the next 100 pages can get a little bit dry.
Larabee: Come on.
[All sigh in boredom]

The Chief: You'll have to bear with me, I'm still a little fuzzy. I got a pretty good hit in the head yesterday.
[Knowing he did it, Max lies]
Maxwell Smart: Yes, it was... dark in there... you probably tripped... I hurt my knee... it was smoky too.

Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: If you're thinking "Holy shit! Holy shit! A swordfish almost went though my head!" If so, then yes.

Maxwell Smart: You were saying?
The Chief: I was saying your results are quite extraordinary, in fact, your essay on existentialism was quite amazing.
Maxwell Smart: I left that section blank.
The Chief: Blank? Brilliant! Brilliant Max. At any rate, you passed with flying colors.
Maxwell Smart: YES!

"Get Smart: The Man from YENTA (#2.21)" (1967)
Chief: [faced with four men dressed like Prince Abu Ben Bubi] Wait a minute, what is this? Max which one are you?
Maxwell Smart: Right here, Chief.
Le Moco: [impersonating Max] Right here, Chief.
Maxwell Smart: Right here, Chief.
Le Moco: No, he's Le Moco, I'm Max.
Maxwell Smart: Don't fall for that, Chief. I'm Max.
Prince: I'm the prince.
Agent 498: I'm hungry.

Maxwell Smart: [Max shoots Le Moco dead]
Chief: Max. Max, where are you?
Maxwell Smart: Right here, Chief. That's Le Moco on the ground. Tear off his beard.
[the Chief tears the the fake beard off Le Moco]
Agent 498: That's Le Moco alright.
Chief: Good shooting Max, you got him.
Agent 498: Get him a glass of water.
Chief: He's dead, it wouldn't help.
Agent 498: It wouldn't hurt.

Chief: [Wanting Max to check for possible poison in the Prince's food] Taste the coffee.
Maxwell Smart: No thanks, Chief, I don't drink coffee, it keeps me awake.
Chief: Taste it Max, that's an order!
Maxwell Smart: [Takes the cup and saucer] Wait a minute, Chief, what if this coffee is poisoned?
Chief: Then it won't keep you awake.

Chief: Max, come here.
[Max steps forward]
Chief: Now which one is the prince?
Maxwell Smart: Uh, I'm not sure Chief, but there is one way to find out.
Chief: How?
Maxwell Smart: Number 1, what's your name?
Le Moco: [Impersonating the Prince] My name is Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell Smart: Number 2, what's your name?
Prince: My name is Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell Smart: Number 3?
Agent 498: Hm?
Maxwell Smart: How many wives do you have?
Chief: Max, stop it. There is only one way to find out who is really the prince.
Maxwell Smart: Right, Chief. Will the real Prince Abu Ben Bubee step forward?
Chief: No, Max! The real prince is the one with the real beard. I'll start with number 1.
[They get into a tackle not long before Max gets out of it and manages to shoot Le Moco]

Chief: [after the Chief receives a call from YENTA, he sits down looking worried]
Maxwell Smart: What's the matter, Chief, bad news?
Chief: Le Moco.
Maxwell Smart: Le Moco?
Chief: He's KAOS's top assassin. He's just been given the assignment of killing the prince.
Maxwell Smart: I'll be ready for him, Chief.
Chief: Max, Le Moco is no ordinary assassin, he's fiendishly unpredictable, and a master of disguise and voice impersonation. In 27 assignments he has never failed yet.
Maxwell Smart: That's quite a record. His parents must be very proud of him.
Chief: He doesn't have any parents, Max. They were his first assignment.

Maxwell Smart: Oh Chief, what time does 498's plane arrive?
Chief: [Chief looks at his watch] In exactly 15 minutes.
Maxwell Smart: 15 minutes?
[Max looks at his watch]
Maxwell Smart: Why did YENTA wait so long to call?
Chief: They work on a limited budget, Max, they have to wait until after 6 o'clock for the long distance rates to change.
Maxwell Smart: Lucky they didn't drop us a postcard.

Chief: With all that rolling and scuffling around, how did you know Number 2 was Number 2?
Maxwell Smart: Eh?
Chief: How did you know it was Number 2?
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well that was just a lucky guess.

Chief: Max, we've learned that one of the prince's wives is a KAOS agent.
Maxwell Smart: Which one is it?
Chief: Well, we don't know, it could be the tall, exotic one, it could be the short, voluptuous one, it could be...
Maxwell Smart: I'll check them all out immediately, Chief.
Chief: Max, he has 33 wives.
Maxwell Smart: So, it'll take a little time.

"Get Smart: And Only Two Ninety-Nine (#5.21)" (1970)
Chief: [on phone in his office] 99 is in her bed?
Maxwell Smart: [on phone in bedroom] Well of course she's in her bed, where do you think she sleeps, in the closet?

Larabee: Listen, Max, the twins can stay at our place for a few days. My wife would love taking care of them, and they'd have a lot of fun playing in the sand.
Maxwell Smart: You have a place at the beach, Larabee?
Larabee: No, but we have a very sandy apartment.
Maxwell Smart: [thinks for a moment] Thanks just the same, Larabee.
[starts dialing]
Larabee: Any time, Max.
[starts to leave]
Chief: Hold it, Larabee.
Larabee: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: You're not gonna get away with that one that easily.
Larabee: Which one?
Chief: Explain it to me, how you have a very sandy apartment.
Larabee: Oh, well, there's nothing to explain, Chief, we can't get the sand out because our vacuum cleaner's broken.
Chief: Larabee, if you don't live at the beach, how can you have all that sand in your apartment?
Larabee: Oh, well, we've been talking about moving to the beach and we wanted to see if we'd like it.
Chief: Thank you, Larabee.

Chief: Max, are you sure you and Larabee aren't related?
Maxwell Smart: You know, a lot of people have asked me that lately, Chief.

Chief: [Max is constantly falling down] Max, I think you're coming down with something.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, if I am, Chief, I'm coming down with it a lot.

Chief: Larabee, you're to go Melnick's furniture warehouse...
Larabee: Now?
Chief: Of course now.
Larabee: But the sale doesn't start until tomorrow morning.
Chief: Larrabee, I don't have time to argue, just go to the warehouse and arrest Melnick Archer.
Larabee: Right, Chief.
Chief: You're also to arrest a man named Marcus.
Larabee: Marcus? How will I know him?
Chief: You'll know him, he'll be the man who'll start shooting at you when you arrest Melnick Archer.
Larabee: Oh. Is he a good shot?
Chief: I hope so.

Chief: I'm going to telephone Max and tell him to wake that woman and kiss her.
Agent 99: What?
Chief: 99, no two women kiss alike. The second Max kisses her he'll know it's not you.
Agent 99: Chief, that's a terrible idea!
Chief: Why?
Agent 99: What if she's better.

Chief: Max! Are you sure you're alright? I mean you've fallen down twice in less that a minute. Even for you that's a lot.

"Get Smart: What's It All About, Algie? (#5.23)" (1970)
Chief: Larabee, confiscate that plant.
Larabee: I can't Chief. I'm not a priest.

Maxwell Smart: Well, let's look on the bright side of things, Chief: it's a good thing that he gave me the list before he disappeared, rather than after he disappeared.
Chief: Just what kind of reasoning is that? How could he possibly have given you the list after his disappearance? He could have only have given it to you before his disappearance.
Maxwell Smart: Oh yeah? How about during his disappearance?

Chief: Why would you serve a German white wine with Italian food? They don't go together.
Larabee: Well, it was bottled in 1943.
Chief: What has that got to do with it?
Larabee: They went together then.

Maxwell Smart: [on garden hose phone] He was a little suspicious at first, until I gave him cover story 3MB. He fell for it completely.
Chief: [on other end of the hose] Fine, good luck, Max.
Chief: .
[connection is broken]
Chief: 3MB? We haven't used that since Pearl Harbor.

Chief: Max, if you don't do as I say, you're fired.
Maxwell Smart: That's an idle threat, Chief. You'd never fire me.
Chief: Oh no? What makes you so sure I wouldn't?
Maxwell Smart: Because according to seniority, if I get fired from Control, Larabee moves up.

Chief: Take that tree
[the Maricoba Carnivorae - man-eating tree]
Chief: and get it down to headquarters.
Larabee: Right Chief. Where would you like me to put it?
Chief: Right next to your desk

"Get Smart: Diplomat's Daughter (#1.2)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart: [speaking into his shoe phone] Well, if you can't give me today's password, I'll accept the countersign or today's secret code number. My life may depend on it.
Chief of Control: [on the other line] Get in here, Max, or I'll personally tear you apart!
Maxwell Smart: That's good enough for me Chief, I'll be right over.

Chief of Control: Turn in your shoes, Max. I think the wrist communicator will be more effective.
Maxwell Smart: Gee whizz, Chief, I still have 16 message units left this month.

Chief of Control: [99 has made sure Max does not accompany the Princess back home] You wrote that report, didn't you?
Agent 99: Em... yes sir. I, em, I just wanted to safe Max from embarrassment. He gets seasick.
Chief of Control: In a plane?
Agent 99: If it flies over water...

Chief of Control: Come in, 86. I've got a new assignment for you.
Maxwell Smart: Right, Chief.
Chief of Control: It's a kidnapping case.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, good. Who do you want me to kidnap?

Chief of Control: I've written the location of your contacts on this piece of paper. Be sure to destroy it.
Maxwell Smart: Right, Chief.
[Max takes the piece of paper and immediately burns it]
Chief of Control: No, no, no, Max! First memorize it, then destroy it!

Carleton: We've developed a new pair of shoes in the lab, 86. Notice the steel-enforced toes for kicking? And inside the heels, there are secret compartments containing our latest emergency pellets.
Maxwell Smart: Can I see it in a 10?
Chief of Control: Show him the pellets, Carleton.
Carleton: In the left heel compartment, there are two pellets. The smaller one is a concussion pellet. Now, if it's thrown up against something or activated by heat, it will blow a 10x15 foot room to smithereens.
Chief of Control: Now, Max, do you know what this larger pill is for?
Maxwell Smart: Larger rooms.
Chief of Control: [rolls his eyes] Max, KAOS does have ways of making a man talk. If you are captured and if it looks really tough, this may be your one ace in the hole. This pill, when swallowed, will bring painless death in about twenty seconds. Are there any questions?
Maxwell Smart: How do I get them to take it?
Chief of Control: Let's get on to the next pellet.
Carleton: This... this pellet contains a very volatile liquid. When activated, it produces a thick protective smoke screen.
Chief of Control: Now, I'm assigning Agent 99 to accompany you on this one, Max. The princess has a reputation of being a little bit wild, and I think it'll take both of you to watch her and keep her out of trouble.
Maxwell Smart: [putting on the new shoes] Yes, well, I'm raring to go, Chief, just as soon as I get this shoe on.
[Max stands up and stomps his foot; smoke emanates from his shoe]
Maxwell Smart: Actually, Chief, I don't think I'll be needing the smoke pellet.

"Get Smart: Double Agent (#1.16)" (1966)
Chief of Control: Now Max, remember. Acting as a double agent is the most dangerous game in the world. These men are killers, they'll stop at nothing. You'll be living in constant danger every moment.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it!

Chief of Control: [supplying Max with an old coat full of holes] Max, take good care of this. The tailor charges a fortune to rip it up like that
Maxwell Smart: Chief, I've got a dry cleaner that will do this for nothing.

Chief of Control: [having forbidden Max to tell 99 about his new cover] Max, untill your mission is a success, she'll learn to do without you.
Maxwell Smart: Yes Chief, but what if my mission is a failure?
Chief of Control: We'll all learn to do without you.

Chief of Control: Smart!
Maxwell Smart: What do you want?
Chief of Control: A few answers.
Maxwell Smart: Sorry, but I don't think I'm gonna like the questions.
Chief of Control: We're missing 68.000 dollars.
Maxwell Smart: That's tough. Have you looked behind the sofa cushions?

Parker: I would like Mr. Smart to look at your desk and see if he can detect which item is the listening device.
Chief of Control: Parker, I don't think you should do that.
Maxwell Smart: Don't be ridiculous, Chief. That's a great idea. If he can fool my keen eyes, the security of KAOS is doomed. Excuse me, 99. Now, let's see... Well, I don't think it's this magazine. It's a little obvious and clumsy. Uh... I don't think it's this paperweight, or the cigarette lighter.
Parker: What about that, uh... that fly?
Maxwell Smart: Huh? Oh.
[Max swats the "fly", and Parker gasps in horror]
Maxwell Smart: Got it!

Chief of Control: Parker has come up with a new listening device that's even cleverer than the fly. Are you ready, Parker?
Parker: Yes, Chief. See if you can pick this one out, Smart. And please be a little more careful this time.
Maxwell Smart: Right, professor.
Parker: It's among these objects on the desk.
Maxwell Smart: Well, let's see. It's not the cigarette lighter, right?
Parker: Right.
Maxwell Smart: And, uh... it's not the magazine, right?
Parker: Correct.
Maxwell Smart: A fly. You've built another fly.
Parker: No, Smart, that's a real fly.
[Max brushes at the fly and it buzzes away]
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Are you sure it's a fly?
Parker: Absolutely.
Maxwell Smart: Well, then I can kill it.
[Max swats at the fly and hits a lamp on the desk; sparks fly out, and Parker covers his head in frustration]
Maxwell Smart: I have a strange feeling it's the light bulb.

"Get Smart: Smartacus (#5.22)" (1970)
Chief: [on phone in office] Max, does the name Montague Leach mean anything to you?
Maxwell Smart: [on house phone in Roman Spa] It certainly does, Chief. He's the drummer with The Electric Hare.
Chief: No, Max, he's not a drummer with The Electric Hare.
Maxwell Smart: He left the group?

Chief: Sorry about that, Max.

Maxwell Smart: The temperature in here is definitely getting too high.
Chief: Why do you say that?
Maxwell Smart: My locker key is melting!

Maxwell Smart: Chief, look at your toupee.
Chief: What's the matter with it?
Maxwell Smart: It's saluting.

Maxwell Smart: [hiding in a hamper, trying to alert Larabee by phone] Chief, he hung up on me.
Chief: Max, now we've got to get out of here alive, if it's only to kill Larabee.

"Get Smart: The Worst Best Man (#4.6)" (1968)
# 99: Why don't we use the X-22 computer, Chief?
Chief: I've thought of that, 99, but somebody fed a deck of cards into it and now all it'll do is play poker with the CIA computer.
# 99: Well can't you reprogram it?
Chief: No, we can't do that, it's 32 dollars behind.

Chief: If you ask somebody to be your best man, it's a guarantee something will happen to him.
Hymie: How come you never asked me, Max? I always thought I was your best friend.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, you are my best friend, Hymie, but you're a robot. I need a best man, not a best thing.
Maxwell Smart: Sorry about that, Hymie, but, well, you see, it wouldn't be legal the other way. I need someone who can sign the marriage certificate and, and be a witness.
Hymie: I can sign it Max, I can also make copies.

Chief: Now why would KAOS want to deal with every man you ask to be your best man?
# 99: Why don't you ask Hymie, Max?
Maxwell Smart: That's a good idea, 99, Hymie...
Hymie: I accept, Max.
Maxwell Smart: No, Hymie, I wasn't going to ask you to be my best man, I was gonna ask you why KAOS is after every man that I ask to be my best man?

Chief: [discussing Max' bachelor party] Alright, I'll thrown in the cake. The one that Agent 38 comes out of the cake.
Maxwell Smart: I don't think I would like that, Chief.
Chief: Why not?
Maxwell Smart: It's just not the same when a guy pops out of a cake.
Chief: Have you seen 38 in a bikini?

Maxwell Smart: [after an explosion, bits of paper are falling down like confetti] What are all these papers?
Chief: Well Max, that was, those were secret papers of Control!
Maxwell Smart: Well why didn't you tell me, Chief?
Chief: I couldn't, Max, it was a secret!
Maxwell Smart: 99, you don't happen to have a bottle of glue on you, do ya?

"Get Smart: Anatomy of a Lover (#2.1)" (1966)
Phoebe: Why, I almost made a terrible mistake. I met a man who was warm and considerate and because I had a schoolgirl crush on someone else, I almost past him by. But now I know who I really love.
Chief: You don't mean?
Phoebe: Yes. Max, can you ever forgive me?
Chief: Phoebe, I've known Max for a long while and believe me, I'm very... fond of him. But if it comes down to a choice between the two of them, please take Hymie.

Maxwell Smart: You can't destroy Hymie, Hymie's my friend.
Chief: Max, this friend just broke through my office door, smashed my desk to pieces, and almost strangled me with his bare hands, how do you explain that?
Maxwell Smart: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Maxwell Smart: [Max has been ordered to disassemble Hymie] Why I can't do that to Hymie, Chief, Hymie is my friend. Why, he saved my life once. He's like a brother to me.
Chief: Max, Hymie is a cybernaut.
Maxwell Smart: What's his religion got to do with it?

Maxwell Smart: You think that I would resort to deliberate lies, deceit and disobedience?
Chief, Kirsch, Phelps: Yes.
Maxwell Smart: Well how about this...

Chief: My niece in love with a robot?
Maxwell Smart: Well, it's not so bad, Chief. It could've been a washing machine.

"Get Smart: The Girls from KAOS (#2.20)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: Tisha, there's an organization of shrewd determined men who've been trying to get control of this country for a number of years. Perhaps you've heard of them?
Miss U.S.A.: Oh, you mean the Republicans?
Chief: No. We mean KAOS.
Miss U.S.A.: KAOS?
Maxwell Smart: Yes. a monstrous organization of evil, dedicated to the destruction of the free world and the systematic subjugation of every man, woman and child on this planet.
Miss U.S.A.: Oh, my daddy wouldn't work for them, he hates to see children subjugated.

Chief: Miss USA, it's obvious you're in great danger. I must recommend that you withdraw from the contest.
Miss U.S.A.: Withdraw from the contest? Well I can't I simply can't!
Chief: But your life may be at stake.
Miss U.S.A.: It doesn't matter. I love this contest and all that it stands for: beauty, cooperation, friendliness and ten thousand dollars in prize money.

Chief: Max, whatever you do, remember rule 5 of code 19.
Maxwell Smart: Eh... I've forgotten rule 5, Chief. But I know rule 6.
Chief: Rule 6?
Maxwell Smart: Yes Chief. Rule 6 states that all Control agents must memorize Rule 5 before proceeding to rule 6.
Chief: Max?
Maxwell Smart: Yes Chief?
Chief: Do the words 'get out' mean anything to you?
Maxwell Smart: Bye.
[gets up and leaves]

Chief: Uh, Miss Heinschmidt, do you think you could identify the men who tried to kidnap you last night?
Miss U.S.A.: I'm afraid not. It was dark. I couldn't see.
Maxwell Smart: Well, I can confirm that, Chief. Last night was a very dark night!

Chief: [addressing Tisha] Miss Heinschmidt...
Miss U.S.A.: [interrupting] Would you call me "Miss USA"? It sounds so much nicer than "Miss Heinschmidt".

"Get Smart: Do I Hear a Vaults? (#5.25)" (1970)
Chief: The most obvious place for a book is in a library. And sometimes, the most obvious place is the safest.
Maxwell Smart: You know, you may have something there, Chief. Agent Dunlap had the same theory. He once came into possession of a very important piece of microfilm. You know where he hid it?
Chief: Where?
Maxwell Smart: Right on top of his desk in his living room. Right out there in the open where everybody could see it.
Chief: And the microfilm was safe?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, it would have been if they hadn't stolen the desk.

Chief: I'm sorry I'm late, but I had an automobile accident right in front of the building. That idiot smashed in the whole front end of my car.
Maxwell Smart: Well, don't worry about it, Chief, you're not the only one who's late, Larabee isn't here either.
Chief: Who do you think smashed in the front end of my car?

Maxwell Smart: Well, Chief, everything went off perfectly without a hitch. We left Control, got into the armoured truck, went through a carwash three times, in case anyone was following us.
Larabee: The truck was dirty anyway, Chief.
Maxwell Smart: And here we are.
Larabee: With a clean truck!
Chief: Ok, ok, let me see it.
Larabee: It's parked out in front.

Chief: Larrabee, you're wasting your time. That door is a foot thick and it's constructed of iron and laminated steel. You'll never open it with a quarter.
Larabee: How 'bout two dimes and a nickel?

Maxwell Smart: Chief! I send Larabee in to get the book and they locked the safe on him.
Chief: Come on, Max. Let's go.
Maxwell Smart: Chief, what are you talking about? Larabee is locked in and nobody knows about it except you and me.
Chief: Shh. Come on.

"Get Smart: Ironhand (#5.2)" (1969)
Chief: KAOS broke in here and ransacked my office.
Maxwell Smart: But I don't understand, Chief. KAOS has never been able to penetrate Control headquarters before.
Chief: That'll give you some idea of what we're up against now. This man who took over KAOS is cunning, diabolical, ingenious.
Maxwell Smart: But there's one thing he's not.
Chief: What's that?
Maxwell Smart: Neat.

Maxwell Smart: What do you suppose KAOS was after, Chief?
Chief: I know perfectly well what they were after, what they've been after for several months now: the plans for the A.A.A.M.M.
Maxwell Smart: You're stammering, Chief.
Chief: I don't stammer!
Maxwell Smart: You always stammer when you get upset.
Chief: I'm not upset, when I said A.A.A.M.M., I meant the Anti-Anti-Anti-Missile Missile.
Maxwell Smart: See what I mean?

Chief: Now Max, you and 99 are to contact agent 44 at this adress: the Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar.
Maxwell Smart: Is that Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar?
Chief: No, no, no, Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar is on Balboa Boulevard. You're to go to Bunny Beebe's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar on Barnaby Boulevard.

Chief: [Larabee has a bowling ball on his hand] What's that on your hand, Larabee?
Larabee: I bought it at lunch, it got stuck on my fingers.
Chief: Why don't you get some oil to get it off?
Larabee: There's no point in doing that Chief, tonight's my bowling night.

Chief: [Larabee has destroyed a phone with the bowlingball stuck to his hand] Larabee, you smashed the hot-line, how am I going to get the President?
Larabee: I'll get him for ya, Chief.
[walks over to wall, pushes button to slide it open revealing a window behind it that overlooks the White House]
Larabee: [shouting] Mister President!
Chief: Larabee, you can't call the President that way.
Mr. President: [off screen] What do you want?

"Get Smart: The Whole Tooth and... (#2.14)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: I don't think we should talk right here in the open, Chief, I think we should use the cone of silence.
Chief: Oh Max, every time we use the cone of silence something terrible happens. Can't you just write it to me on a piece of paper?
Maxwell Smart: People can read a piece of paper, Chief.
Chief: I'll burn it afterwards.
Maxwell Smart: Ashes can be reassembled.
Chief: I'll eat the note!
Maxwell Smart: They could operate on you and get it back.
Chief: All right, Max. The Cone of Silence.

Chief: [under the cone of silence] What was it you wanted to know, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Chief, could you let me have twenty dollars until pay day?
Chief: So you got me in this thing just to ask me money? Are you out of your mind? Are you serious? Are you completely insane?
Maxwell Smart: One question at a time, Chief.

Maxwell Smart: You're not angry, are you Chief?
Chief: How would you feel if some simpleton used a class A security procedure merely in order too borrow twenty dollars. I don't believe it!
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe thirty dollars?

Chief: The future of the mid-west is in your mouth.
Maxwell Smart: It couldn't be in a safer place.

Chief: This mission is so top secret, that for the next seventy two hours you'll be entirely on your own. You won't even be able to contact Control. You won't know me, and I won't know you. Good luck, Max
[holds out his hand]
Maxwell Smart: I beg your pardon, I don't believe we've met.

"Get Smart: The Mess of Adrian Listenger (#5.18)" (1970)
Chief: [having been handed a picture] Why for crying out loud, this is the baseball team I coached when I was an instructor at the Control training school.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Well for heaven's sake. Which one is you, Chief?
Chief: [points] Right there.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Oh, the one with the black baseball cap on.
Chief: That's not a black baseball cap, that's my hair.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Oh really? How come it's got an initial on it?

Chief: Listenger is the only man on that baseball team who failed to become a Control agent.
Ace Weems: Yeah, but he succeeded into becoming something else.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: What was that?
Ace Weems: A really great murderer.
Ace Weems: A really, top-notch murderer. One of the great murderers of all time. Which, really, he was not an ordinary murderer, he was a murderer's murderer I would say. You know, not one you'd meet every day at the store...

Chief: [Max and the Chief have been accused of trying to kill each other] Ridiculous, Max is like son to me.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: More than that, the Chief is like a father to me.

Chief: Larabee, I'm going down to the lab, if anybody wants me, you know where I'll be.
Larabee: Where's that, Chief?

"Get Smart: Mr. Big (#1.1)" (1965)
Chief: Max, you realize that you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it.

Chief: Max, let me give you a quick briefing. First of all, do you know what this is?
[hands over a picture of Dante's Inthermo ray]
Maxwell Smart: I believe it's a photograph.

Chief: 86, your mission is simple: find KAOS and destroy it. Get Mr. Big. Rescue Professor Dante and get back the Inthermo.

Chief: Max, we're trained not to have any personal feelings. But I think you know that if I had any children, I'd like them to be like you and Fang.

"Get Smart: Pheasant Under Glass (#5.1)" (1969)
Chief: [meeting on the moon] What took you so long? Do you know what time it is?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, 99's mother called us just before we left Earth.
Chief: Well, this is probably the last time we'll be able to have these secret meetings on the moon anyway. Now that the astronauts have landed succesfully, there'll probably be a lot more of them coming.
Maxwell Smart: Well, we really shouldn't complain, Chief, we've had it for four years.

Chief: Larrabee, has that sample come back from the Control lab yet?
Larabee: It's on my desk, Chief.
Chief: Bring it in.
Larabee: I'll need somebody to help me, that desk is pretty heavy.
Maxwell Smart: I'll help ya, Larrabee.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief. If she's gonna go in and sing that note to break that glass, We got to get her into KAOS headquarters.
Chief: That's allready been taken care of, Max. Belasco, like all KAOS agents, is an opera lover.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief. If my face is so well known, supposing I had it changed?
Chief: Max, the recital is tomorrow night. You know how long plastic surgery takes.
Maxwell Smart: Not if I go to Proctor.
Chief: Who's Proctor?
Maxwell Smart: Hector Proctor.
Chief: Who's Hector Proctor?
Maxwell Smart: A Doctor. Doctor Hector Proctor.

The Nude Bomb (1980)
Maxwell Smart: And if there's one thing I've learned, in many many years of experience, it's that you cannot be too careful with your gun.
[puts his gun away in his pants, accidentally pulls the trigger]
Maxwell Smart: Excuse me.
[turns around examines himself, turns back]
Chief: Are you al right?
Maxwell Smart: Missed it by that much.

Chief: We're really up against it, this time, 86. The fate of the entire world is in your hands.
Maxwell Smart: Oh no, not again. Well, ok this time, but next week I'm on vacation, Chief. If you get in trouble then, it's your ass.

Maxwell Smart: You know, Chief, this nude bomb might solve a lot of problems.
Chief: Such as?
Maxwell Smart: Well for one thing, flashers.
Chief: Only you would think of a that, Max.
Maxwell Smart: That's why they pay me the big bucks. And there'd be no more trouble with concealed weapons. I mean if everyone was nude, there'd be no place to hide a gun or a knife. Well, there is a place, but it could be painful.

Chief: Where's Sauvage?
Maxwell Smart: He got hung up.

"Get Smart: Survival of the Fattest (#1.15)" (1965)
Agent #1: [Max is being slapped around by the Control grill team] Agent 86, you must remember something...
Maxwell Smart: [exasperated] Water... water... I gotta have some water.
Chief: Here Max, this'll help
[as the Chief hands him a glass of water, Max knocks it out of the Chief's hand]
Maxwell Smart: Don't give me any water, Chief! How do you expect me to break down and talk?

Chief: Mary 'Jack' Armstrong, the strongest female counter spy in the world. Max, you've got to be especially carefull, she is gorgeous and deadly.
Maxwell Smart: [with emphasis] So... am I.

Chief: Now Max, this is a dangerous one. This woman is ruthless, and a potential killer. You'll be risking your life every moment.
Chief: And... loving it.

Chief: Mary, I don't mean to pry, but how did a nice girl like you ever get into this rotten business?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Well Thaddeus, it's a living.

"Get Smart: Casablanca (#2.6)" (1966)
Bubinski: [Bubinsky the cabbie accuses Max of being the Choker] He's got killer's eyes!
Maxwell Smart: I have not!
Chief: That will be all, Mr. Bubinsky.
Bubinski: Sure you don't wanna cab?
Chief: No.
Bubinski: How 'bout you, killer?
[Max raises his fist]

Maxwell Smart: [Max has been forced to take a vacation] Ok Chief, Ok. But just remember this: you'll be left all alone without my experience and know-how. You'll be making hundreds of decisions without my advice.
Chief: And loving it.

Chief: Oh and one more thing, 99. The man you're dealing with is a deadly assasin. Don't let the fact that he looks like Max slow your reflexes. If he makes one questionable move...
# 99: I'll know it's not Max.

Chief: This false neck is an ingenious device, Max. Who made it for you?
Maxwell Smart: The ingenious device department, Chief.

"Get Smart: Appointment in Sahara (#2.26)" (1967)
Chief: Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've ever gone on. You probably won't get back alive.
Maxwell Smart: If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time. I don't know the meaning of the word fear.
Chief: You'll have to parachute from six thousand feet.
Maxwell Smart: I think I just learned it.

Chief: Well, I'm sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night, but we're facing a terrible crisis, the possible destruction of the entire world.
Maxwell Smart: Well couldn't it have waited until morning?
# 99: What happened Chief?
Chief: KAOS has a nuclear bomb.
Maxwell Smart: Doesn't everybody?

Chief: All we know is that they threatened to wipe out the city containing our finest intellectual minds and greatest leaders.
Maxwell Smart: Well at least Washington is safe.

Chief: Max, have you ever jumped from a plane?
Maxwell Smart: Yes Chief, once, during the war.
Chief: When?
Maxwell Smart: Just before it took off for overseas.

"Get Smart: Classification: Dead (#3.12)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: [looking at a showgirl in a skimpy outfit] That's Dr. Steel?
Chief: Yes. The chorus line is her cover.
Maxwell Smart: Not much of a cover, is it?
Chief: Max!
Maxwell Smart: Well, I'm not dead yet, Chief.

Larrabee: How's the formula for the antidote going, Dr. Steel?
Dr. Steel: Hmm.
Chief: Looks pretty hopeless, but she's working on it.
Larrabee: Is there anything I can do to help?
Chief: Can you dance?
Larrabee: I don't think so.
Chief: Then forget it.

Larrabee: What's wrong, Chief?
Chief: The line's dead. And if I can't find Max in exactly 23 minutes, he'll be dead too.

Maxwell Smart: [Max has been handed Dr. Steel's bill] 48 dollars? For what?
# 99: For your life, Max!
Maxwell Smart: But she works for Control!
Chief: She developed this on her own time, Max.
Maxwell Smart: But this is ridiculous. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. I'm not paying this bill, 48 dollars, that's out of the question. Forget about it. I wouldn't pay it if my life depended on it.
Chief: It does Max, you have to take another dose of this tomorrow and she had to give it to you if you're to complete your cure.
Maxwell Smart: 99, do you have 48 dollars you could let me have until pay day?

"Get Smart: Hubert's Unfinished Symphony (#1.26)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: I may never get to play with the Philharmonic, but on the other hand...
Chief: Yes?
Maxwell Smart: Is Leonard Bernstein licensed to kill?

Maxwell Smart: Is Rudolph Hubert a regular Control agent who became a concert violinist, or is it the other way around?
Chief of Control: No, he's always been a control agent but his talent as a violinist has given him a perfect cover. And it gives him access to places where our other agents couldn't get in.
Maxwell Smart: Gee, that's the glamorous end of the business, Chief. Too bad I flunked out of spy music school.

Chief of Control: Now, here is my plan. And I'm glad we're not in my office or you'd insist on our using the Cone of Silence.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I've already taken measures for that, Chief. I brought along the portable Cone of Silence, it was in my car.

Chief of Control: At last we've broken the cultural arm of KAOS.
Agent 99: This is going to be a real blow to evil music lovers everywhere.

"Get Smart: The Return of the Ancient Mariner (#4.8)" (1968)
Chief: [Max and the Chief show each other their special agent badges] Who wrote Little Women?
Maxwell Smart: Lonely little men. Who do you love?
Chief: I wanna to be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you.
Maxwell Smart: I wanna be loved by you, you-ooh-ooh.
Chief, Maxwell Smart: Boop-boop-bee-doo.
Maxwell Smart: Good morning, Chief.
[sits down on desk]
Chief: [sitting down in chair] Morning, Max. I'll certainly be glad when the security alert is over. I spend half my time learning new passwords and countersigns.

Maxwell Smart: Do we really have to be that careful just because the Chameleon is back in circulation?
Chief: Max, the Chameleon is the most insidious agent KAOS has. Remember, he can make himself look and sound like anybody in the world.
Maxwell Smart: Yeah, he's really teriffic. He can even do Frank Gorshin.

Chief: Max, aren't you going to say something to the Admiral?
Maxwell Smart: Who wrote Little Women?
Admiral Harold Harmon Hargrade: Louisa May Alcott.
Maxwell Smart: Wrong.
Chief: Max!

"Get Smart: Washington 4, Indians 3 (#1.6)" (1965)
Chief of Control: Max, do you realize what you've done on the strength of a minor incident? You woke up the three highest ranking officers in the U.S. military, you got hundreds of planes flying in the air, you canceled thousands of leaves. That's what you've done, Max!
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Just what are you getting at, Chief?

Chief of Control: I can't believe that you would summon the chiefs of staff on this awful hour simply because three Indians attacked a bus.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Four, Chief.
Chief of Control: Max, do you realize what time it is? It's three in the morning!
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: [looks at his watch] Four, Chief.

Chief of Control: It might interest you to know that Red Cloud's enormous arrow is now on display in the west wing of the White House.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: No kidding, Chief. Where did it land?
Chief of Control: In the west wing of the White House.

"Get Smart: Ship of Spies: Part 1 (#1.27)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: You know Chief, I'll never forget the sound that killer made when he walked away. I'll recognize it immediately the next time I hear it.
Chief: What was it like, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well it was a kind of a clip-clop clip-clop.
Chief: Like a man with a special shoe?
Parker: Or a man walking with a cane?
Maxwell Smart: Or a man with very loose dentures.

Parker: [describing the layout of the ship Max is due to travel on] Well, the Evening Star's cargo is divided into two compartments. In this compartment, there are about 900 tons of bananas.
[his expression becomes serious]
Parker: Oh, boy. If this wall in between the bananas and the other compartment ever breaks down, there'll be real trouble.
Maxwell Smart: Why? What's in the other compartment?
Parker: 3,000 monkeys.
Maxwell Smart: 3,000 monkeys?
[Parker nods]
Maxwell Smart: Now, wait a minute, Professor Parker. How many bananas would that be to a monkey?
Parker: Oh, well, it would depend on how hungry each monkey would be and...
Maxwell Smart: Well, wouldn't it also depend upon how large the bananas were?
[Parker nods in agreement]
Maxwell Smart: Then if the monkeys...
Chief: [breaking in] Gentlemen, forget about the monkeys!

Parker: [discussing how Max will be contacted] Possibly with this.
[He stands, holding out a gun]
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well, I certainly hope the message doesn't reach me.
Parker: Oh, this is no ordinary gun, Smart. This is a very cleverly disguised radio telephone. Here, let me show you.
[He passes the gun to Max and picks up another one]
Parker: What's the number on your handle?
Maxwell Smart: 652.
Parker: [breaking open his gun and dialling into the bullet chamber] Okay. Six... five... two.
Maxwell Smart: [his gun starts ringing] Well, what happens now?
Parker: Break it and talk into the handle.
Maxwell Smart: [he does so] Hello?
Parker: [cheerfully] Hello!
Maxwell Smart: Oh, is that you, Parker?
Parker: Yes, indeed. Is that you, Smart?
Maxwell Smart: Yes. How have you been?
Parker: Oh, just fine, just fine, and you?
Maxwell Smart: Oh, pretty good, pretty good. Certainly is nice talking to you. Listen, Parker, there's a question I'd like to ask you.
Parker: Shoot.
Maxwell Smart: Now...
[he does a double-take about what Parker's just said]
Maxwell Smart: Now about the bananas. If each monkey...
Chief: [who's been watching them with increasing impatience] Gentlemen, you're doing it again! Let's get on with the briefing!
Maxwell Smart: [Both Max and Parker look rather put out by the Chief spoiling their fun] Right, Chief. Parker, there's one thing that bothers me. This makes an awfully loud ring. What if you want to phone someone quietly?
Parker: Well, use your silencer.

"Get Smart: Diamonds Are a Spy's Best Friend (#4.5)" (1968)
Chief: [having just been drenched by a passing car] I'm gonna murder Schleppenheimer for inventing this Hydrant-phone.

Chief: [on fire hydrant-phone] Max, this could be the work of the League of Bald Headed Men, that's KAOS' smuggling unit. They're clever and ingenious. There's nothing they can't accomplish.
Maxwell Smart: [on steering wheel-phone] How come they can't grow hair?
Chief: Max, they don't wanna grow hair, that's their trademark. That's how they identify each other.
Maxwell Smart: Alright, Chief, I'll keep my eyes open. In the meantime, you pick up Yul Brynner and Dean Rusk.

Chief: Absolutely brilliant!
Maxwell Smart: Thank you Chief.
Chief: Oh, not you, Max, I mean the way they smuggled the diamonds.

"Get Smart: Snoopy Smart vs. the Red Baron (#4.2)" (1968)
Chief: KAOS has destroyed almost 90% of America's potato crop.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I didn't know that, Chief.
Chief: It's been our government most closely guarded secret.
99: Well I can see why, Americans love potatoes.
Maxwell Smart: That's right, Chief. Potatoes are as American as pizzas or tacos.

Maxwell Smart: How did you know we were here, Chief?
Chief: I stopped by the house and 99's mother told me you were here.
99: You came just in the nick of time, Chief.
Chief: I would have been here sooner but she made me stop and eat first.

Maxwell Smart: You know, Chief, I've always wondered about that. How many potatoes are there in a crop?
Chief: Oh, it all depends. Four or five thousand bushels.
Maxwell Smart: Boy, that's a lot of crop.

"Get Smart: A Tale of Two Tails (#4.7)" (1968)
Chief: [on phone] If you like you can take one of those new comb phones with you.
# 99: [on one of those new comb phones] Oh, that would be terrific, it's a marvelous device. Which one of our agents developed it?
Chief: Well as a matter of fact, 99, it was my idea.
# 99: Whatever gave you the idea of turning a comb into a phone?
Chief: Well, 99, what else am I gonna do with a comb?

Chief: Larabee, I need a couple of men for surveilance duty. Who's available? No, no wait a minute, on second thought, I'll look in the Control file of the graduating class.
Larabee: Why the, eh, Control graduating class, Chief?
Chief: Because KAOS knows what all our agents look like. Those Control bubblegum cards we came out with last year backfired.

Maxwell Smart: The Cone of Silence was invented by a professor Cohn?
Chief: That's right.
Maxwell Smart: [looks up at the CoS] That's funny, doesn't look it.

"Get Smart: Greer Window (#4.24)" (1969)
Chief: Where's Max?
Larabee: He's trying to get into the house through the back way.
Chief: That's very heroic of him.
Larabee: Not really, Chief, he had to go to the bathroom.

Chief: If KAOS gets their hands on any more of those blueprints, Max, they'll have the capability of polluting the air over every major city in the United States.
Maxwell Smart: Well, I don't wanna worry you, Chief, but I think they already have that.

Chief: [puts phone on hook] Why doesn't he answer?
Larabee: Maybe he went out for a walk?
Chief: No, he's under doctor's orders not to leave the apartment.
Larabee: Maybe he's taking a nap?
Chief: No, a let the phone ring often enough to wake him. Something must have happened...
Larabee: Maybe something happened to 'em?

"Get Smart: The Last One in Is a Rotten Spy (#1.30)" (1966)
Chief: [Max just dove into a pool to retrieve a bottle which turns out to be empty] Sorry about that, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Well, that's all right, Chief. It wasn't a complete waste of time. This is a deposit bottle. I can get a nickel back on it.

Maxwell Smart: Chief, the food here is terrible. This sandwich tastes like I'm chewing on paper.
# 99: Max, the message!
Maxwell Smart: [realizing] I'm chewing on paper.
Maxwell Smart: [takes out the message] Chief, it's the message: unable to leave message in pool. The names of the enemy agents are:
Chief: Are what?
Maxwell Smart: In my stomach.
Chief: What?
Maxwell Smart: I ate the rest of the message, Chief.

Chief: Max, please be careful. You'll be out there alone. A walking target for a killer.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it.

"Get Smart: Temporarily Out of CONTROL (#4.12)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: I don't understand it, Chief, I thought that joining the naval reserve was part of our cover as spies, I never dreamed that they'd call us up for active duty.
Chief: Well that's because they don't know we're spies. Control is such a super secret organization that even the army and navy don't know we excist.
Maxwell Smart: Well I still don't think it's fair, I mean after all, they never draft the CIA.
Chief: Well that's because the CIA isn't a secret organization. It's supposed to be, but it's not.

Chief: José Vargas is going to be in Washington this week. He'll only be here two days and I wanted to be here to see him.
Maxwell Smart: Well I hardly think that a Spanish flamenco dancer is more important than my honeymoon.
Chief: Max, José Vargas is a member of the Spanish Secret Service.
Maxwell Smart: Oh that José Vargas, well he's a member of the S.S.S.
Chief: The S.S.S., S.S.S.
Maxwell Smart: The S.S.S., S.S.S., S.S.S?
Chief: The Spanish Secret Service Strategic Security Staff.
Maxwell Smart: Of course. The Spanish Securita Saff, seeve, secret service, secret Spanish staff, the - he's one of those Spanish spies, Chief. The fellow with the little mustache and the big Chihuahua.
Chief: No Max, the little Chihuahua. Big mustache.
Maxwell Smart: His little Chihuahua has a big mustache?

Chief: I suffer from acrophobia.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Fear of acrobats?
Chief: No, fear of high places.

"Get Smart: A Man Called Smart: Part 2 (#2.29)" (1967)
Chief: Admiral, what was the President's decision on the ransom?
Admiral Hargrade: Oh, well, I talked to Herbert about that just a few minutes ago.
Chief: Herbert? Sir, Herbert Hoover is no longer President.
Admiral Hargrade: Too bad. I thought he showed a lot of promise.

Admiral Hargrade: Well exactly how dangerous is this formula?
Maxwell Smart: Well sir, within 24 hours, it could dry up every lake, river and stream in the United States.
Chief: We'd be at the mercy of any country that had water.
Maxwell Smart: Bootlegging would come back. People would start making bathtub water.

Chief: KAOS knows that either one of us can lead them to Bediyoskin. Now we go back in there and let them overhear that one of us is going to him. KAOS captures the one who goes and the other follows.
Maxwell Smart: One of us goes, one of us follows.
Chief: Right.
Maxwell Smart: And one of us already knows who goes and who follows.
Chief: You go.
Maxwell Smart: Now both of us know.
[claps hands triumphantly]

"Get Smart: And Baby Makes Four: Part 1 (#5.7)" (1969)
Larabee: [keeping tabs on a tail] Chief, the cab is headed for the bus terminal.
Chief: So far, so good. Now, if we just don't get a bad break.
Larabee: Smart's covering the bus terminal.
Chief: That's it.
Larabee: That's what?
Chief: The bad break.

Maxwell Smart: [there's a knock on the door] I'll get it, 99.
Agent 99: Be sure to get the password, Max.
Maxwell Smart: I will.
[crosses room to get to the door]
Maxwell Smart: Yes?
Chief: [behind door] Knock, knock.
Maxwell Smart: Who's there?
Chief: Me.
Maxwell Smart: Me who?
Chief: Me, the Chief.

Maxwell Smart: Simon the likeable. Who's he?
Chief: He's KAOS' most irresistible agent. A man so unassuming, so modest, so sweet and warm that you take one look at him, and you like him.

"Get Smart: The Secret of Sam Vittorio (#4.4)" (1968)
Agent 99: These are amazing newsreel pictures, Chief!
Chief: They're not newsreel pictures, 99. Connie & Floyd carried their own photographer. These are there personal films.

Chief: In answer to your question, 99, they were never able to make a conviction stick against Sam Vittorio. However they deported him in 1937 as an undesirable alien.
Agent 99: To Italy?
Chief: No, to Pittsburgh.
Maxwell Smart: Pittsburgh?
Chief: Yeah, they really threw the book at him.

Larabee: Chief, the real Connie and Floyd just escaped.
Chief: [loading his gun] Well, I know that, you just told me on the phone!
Larabee: Was that you? I thought I dialed my wife.
Chief: Max and 99 are in danger, let's go.
[starts to leave]
Larabee: Chief, do I have time to call my wife?

"Get Smart: Is This Trip Necessary? (#5.12)" (1969)
Chief: [pushes button on intercom] What is it, Larabee?
Larabee: [on other line] How did you know it was me, Chief?
Chief: Never mind that, Larabee, what are you buzzing me for?
Larabee: The CIA and FBI just called. They want you to tune in on TV channel 51.
Chief: [breaks off connection] Channel 51, that's the educational spy channel.

Maxwell Smart: Well, I guess Jarvis Pym will get his fifty million dollars.
Chief: But that's blackmail, Max, you know what happens when you pay off a blackmailer?
Maxwell Smart: He gives you a receipt?
Chief: No, he comes back the next day and asks for more money. Besides, we have no guarantee that if we pay the fifty million, Pym will destroy the drug.
Maxwell Smart: Yes we do, if he gives us a receipt.

Chief: Just don't get caught. Capture would mean certain death.
Maxwell Smart: Suicide mission, huh chief? Well, you've picked the right man.
Chief: I hope so.
Maxwell Smart: You hope what, that you picked the right man or that it's a suicide mission?

"Get Smart: The Not-So-Great Escape: Part 2 (#4.26)" (1969)
Starker: You wouldn't care to make a little wager on the side, would you, Smart?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, I think so, Starker. How 'bout, eh, five dollars?
Starker: All right, twenty marks.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well I'm afraid I can't go that high.
Chief: Max, twenty marks is five dollars.

Chief: Max, what are you doing?
Maxwell Smart: I beat him, Chief!
Chief: Max, you were out of the gate, why didn't you keep on going?
Maxwell Smart: And lose five bucks?

Chief: [dismayed at the lack of progress in the tunnel] You and Kendall have been down here since six o' clock this morning.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, Chief, but we didn't start digging until eight.
Chief: Why not?
Maxwell Smart: Well, you see, for the first two hours we couldn't decide who should dig and who should fill the bags with dirt. So we tossed a coin.
Chief: Max, it doesn't take two hours to toss a coin.
Maxwell Smart: No, but it took two hours to find it.

"Get Smart: And Baby Makes Four: Part 2 (#5.8)" (1969)
99's Mother: Nice to see you again, Mr. Clark.
Chief: Thank you. This is Mr. Larabee, he's a buyer from out-of-town.
99's Mother: Oh really, what town?
Larabee: I don't know, yet.

Chief: [about Simon the Likeable] That man is the most ruthless, cunning, evil and treacherous KAOS agent in the entire world. And a heck of a nice guy.

Chief: [about to place Simon the Likeable under arrest] Sir, it is my duty to inform you that...
Simon the Likeable: [oozing with charm & likeability] Yes?
Chief: [holds up his wallet] Eh, do you have a picture of yourself that would fit in this wallet?

"Get Smart: Smart the Assassin (#1.22)" (1966)
Chief: There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next. May be even the Pentagon.
Maxwell Smart: You're right, Chief. But even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days.
Chief: Three days? Max, no agent could be that confused.
Maxwell Smart: Well, let me see now. I went in on a Friday...

Maxwell Smart: Chief, when was the last time I beat you at chess?
Chief of Control: You've never beaten me at chess, Max.
Maxwell Smart: That long ago, eh?

Maxwell Smart: [the Chief raises the Cone of Silence] Well what's the matter, Chief?
Chief of Control: What's the matter? Didn't you hear that echo?
Maxwell Smart: Didn't I hear what?
Chief of Control: Echo, echo, echo!
Maxwell Smart: Oh yes, I heard it that time.

"Get Smart: I Am Curiously Yellow (#5.26)" (1970)
Chief: [opens violin case] This is the Narco 5-12...
Maxwell Smart: I recognized it immediately.
Chief: ...A weapon so new that no one has ever seen it before.

Chief: We're all familiar with the shock wave of a sonic boom, which occurs when an aircraft breaks the sound barrier. Now if you take that energy and amplify it ten thousand times, and confine it in a small area, can you imagine the results you'd get?
Maxwell Smart: A rock & roll festival?
Chief: It's not quite that bad, Max.

Maxwell Smart: What do you mean, 'that's Max al right', that couldn't possibly be me. I didn't steal the Farco 9-12.
Chief: It's not the Farco 9-12, it's the Marco 5-12.

"Get Smart: The Mild Ones (#3.11)" (1967)
Chief: Max, I don't know what I'm going to do about you. You bungle assignment after assignment.
Maxwell Smart: I resent that, Chief.
Chief: Do you deny it?
Maxwell Smart: No, but I resent it.

Chief: This is the break we've been waiting for. The men we're looking for are the Purple Knights.
Maxwell Smart: Of course, The Purple Knights! The Purple Knights, it's got to be The Purple Knights. It's so clear now. Who else could it be but the Purple Knights? Eh, one question, Chief...
Chief, Maxwell Smart: Who are The Purple Knights?

Chief: The Beluvian prime minister is ready to resume his mission.
Maxwell Smart: That's wonderful, chief. What *is* his mission?
Chief: He's here to borrow 20 million dollars from our government. After what happened, we're lucky his country still wants to take our money.
Doll Baby: What would be so terrible if they didn't?
Maxwell Smart: I'm surprised at you, Doll Baby. If they didn't take our money, they'd have no reason to resent us. And if they didn't resent us, we would never really be sure they were our friends.

"Get Smart: The Decoy (#2.7)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost twenty minutes.
Chief: I know, 86. The traffic.
Maxwell Smart: No, the seat belt. I can never get that darn thing unbuckled.

Maxwell Smart: Don't worry, about me, there's no torture invented that could make me crack. I'm impervious to pain.
Chief: Good luck, Max
[they shake hands]
Maxwell Smart: Aah!
Chief: What's the matter?
Maxwell Smart: You squeezed my pinky!

Chief: What's happening?
Control Agent: I'm having trouble with the reception.
Chief: KAOS may be jamming the frequency.
Control Agent: All the keep getting is Lawrence Welk music.
Chief: KAOS has no mercy.

"Get Smart: Leadside (#4.23)" (1969)
Chief: Leadside is the most diabolically clever criminal we've ever run across. He's never yet made a threat that he hasn't carried out.
Maxwell Smart: That's right, Chief. Like the time he stole the Star of India.
Agent 99: He stole the Star of India?
Maxwell Smart: Well, he kidnapped Sabu.

Agent 99: It's going to take a super human brain to figure this one out, Chief.
Chief: 99, we have a super human brain. All we have to do is put the question to it.
Larabee: Fire away, Chief, ask me any question you want.

Chief: Max, we've taken every precaution. We've even activated maximum security plan Omega.
Maxwell Smart: [his face brightens] Plan Omega?
Chief: [nods] And you know how long it's been since we've used that plan.
Maxwell Smart: That's right, 99. My gosh, we haven't used that plan, since the day that Omega was murdered!

"Get Smart: The Reluctant Redhead (#3.26)" (1968)
Agent 99: [about Mimsi Sage] What does she do?
Chief: We don't have much on her. We know that she writes children's books. She wrote 'The Tiger that couldn't', 'The Elephant that wouldn't' and 'The Pussy that would like to'.

Chief: [disguised as a statue Bacchus] Karvelas, Szathmary, take them downtown. And turn in those costumes before midnight, or we'll be charged double.

Agent 99: What does she do?
Chief: We don't have much on her. We know that she writes children's books. She wrote "The Tiger that Couldn't," "The Elephant that Wouldn't," and "The Pussy that Would Like To."

"Get Smart: To Sire, with Love: Part 1 (#4.20)" (1969)
Chief: All I asked for was a moustache, you call that a moustache?
Maxwell Smart: [touching his bushy beard] Well, there's a moustache under here someplace, Chief.

Chief: How in the world did you men find us?
Deliveryman: Well, we stopped at a gas station, and I asked a man, eh, if he could tell us how to get to eh, Control headquarters.
Chief: And he knew?
Deliveryman: No, he didn't know. But, eh, there were a couple of kids putting air in their bicycle tires, and, eh, they knew.

Chief: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Maxwell Smart: It is?
Chief: Yes.
Maxwell Smart: Then don't do it.

"Get Smart: It Takes One to Know One (#2.16)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: [talking on his shoephone] Right, Chief. I'll with stick with him. Off and on.
Chief: [in his office, on the other line] Don't you mean over and out?
Maxwell Smart: No, when I sign off, I put my shoe on.

Maxwell Smart: [looking at a picture of Octavia] Chief, I've never seen anyone like this before. Those evil, penetrating eyes. Cold, ruthless mouth. Deviant chin.
[looks at the next picture]
Maxwell Smart: Strong unyealding body. Chief?
Chief: What?
Maxwell Smart: I think I'm in love.

Maxwell Smart: So that's how Octovia does it. Why, she's been right under our noses all the time, Chief, disguised as a cleaning woman.
Chief: This is terrible!
Maxwell Smart: I know, good cleaning women are hard to get.

"Get Smart: The Day They Raided the Knights (#4.16)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: Ok Chief, you can count on me. I'll be up first thing in the morning and I'll check out every topless retaurant in town.
Chief: Max, KAOS wouldn't hide guns in a topless restaurant.
Maxwell Smart: They wouldn't?
Chief: No.
Maxwell Smart: Well where would they store them?
Chief: I don't know.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well in that case, I'll check the topless restaurants.

Chief: [holding up a double pistol] Do you know what this is is?
Maxwell Smart: Sure, it's a twelve shooter.
Chief: Max, this is KAOS' secret weapon. It's a stereophonic pistol.
Maxwell Smart: [grabs the pistol] A stereophonic pistol? That's fantastic, Chief. You mean you can shoot a bullet from this barrel, and you can shoot a bullet from this barrel and if you stand in between, it's just like being there in person.
Chief: Something like that.

Chief: Over budget or no over budget, I can't afford to lay off 5 agents. There must be some mistake.
Larabee: Sorry Chief, but you know this computer, it doesn't make mistakes.
Chief: Oh, then why did it pick Egypt over Israel in the Six Day War?
Larabee: Who didn't?

"Get Smart: Absorb the Greek (#4.19)" (1969)
Agent 99: We hate to tell you this, Chief, but we've been tailing you for the last week.
Chief: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Well, Chief, we didn't wanna do it, but that's the assignment they gave us.
Chief: Who gave you that assignment?
Maxwell Smart: The guy who's over you.
[pointing downwards]
Chief: Well if he's over me, why are you pointing down?
Maxwell Smart: Because his office is downstairs.

Chief: [99 has been spying on the Chief disguised as a blond pushing a pram] Well, well, if it isn't Mrs. Maxwell Smart. Do you mind if I take a peak at the baby?
Chief: [uncovers a camera in the pram] Oh, isn't he cute? And Japanese too.

Maxwell Smart: Chief! What happened, are you alright?
Agent 99: Where's my mother?
Chief: I was hit by a blackjack.
Maxwell Smart: Your mother hit him over the head with a blackjack?
Agent 99: Max! My mother wouldn't do a thing like that!
Chief: Her mother wouldn't do a thing like that! You sure it wasn't a gunbutt?

"Get Smart: Maxwell Smart, Alias Jimmy Ballantine (#2.5)" (1966)
Chief: We're going to have to send a man in to infiltrate that barbershop. Now if we do it successfully, we'll be able to learn how KAOS finances their evil schemes.
Maxwell Smart: Maybe they're playing the stock market, Chief.
Chief: No Max, I don't think so. It's much more likely they get their money by robbery, extorsion and blackmail.
Maxwell Smart: You're probably right. A lot of people don't trust the market these days.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief. If KAOS goes out of business, what happens to us?
Chief: Well, I guess the Control organization would be out of business too. There would'nt be any need for us.
Maxwell Smart: Well that's okay for you, you're an old man, you can retire on your pension. But what about me, I don't know anything but being a secret agent.

Chief: You must be doing an excellent job. The men seem very well behaved.
Warden: Yes, well we try to give them a little warmth and understanding, along with a constant beating.

"Get Smart: A Man Called Smart: Part 1 (#2.28)" (1967)
Chief: [addressing Max, 99 and two more Control agents] Now what I'm about to tell you must not leave this room. It's top security.
Maxwell Smart: Top security? That calls for the Cone of Silence, Chief.
Chief: Max, how do you expect to get five people into something that small?
Maxwell Smart: Thinking like that would have put the Volkswagen people out of business a long time ago.

Chief: [on phone] You mean you're using more than one pseudonym on this case?
Maxwell Smart: [on other line] That's right, Chief. You see that way if I get a call and I'm not able to answer it, at least I know who to call back.
Chief: That seems to makes sense and that worries me.

Hotel Doctor: Is this the patient?
Chief: Yes he is.
Maxwell Smart: He's been shot.
Hotel Doctor: I'm a doctor, I'll make the diagnosis.

"Get Smart: Physician Impossible (#5.9)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [on shoe phone] We're being held in a two room cabin overlooking a lake
Larabee: [on the Chief's other phone] I know that place, I was stationed near there when I was in the army.
Chief: [on his regular office phone] Max, where on our way.
[they all hang up]
Chief: [draws his revolver] Ok Larabee, where is it?
Chief: Eh, six miles South of Berlin.

Chief: The cabin is completely surrounded. Come out with your hands up!
One-Way Al: Come and get us you dirty lousy rat fink coppers!
Chief: Hey, watch your language!

"Get Smart: The King Lives? (#3.14)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: This is the first time I've ever met a king face to face.
Chief: Not face to face, Max, when we enter we bow low and stay that way until we're told to rise.
Maxwell Smart: [fiddles with the arm of a suit of armor] Well I just hope that I don't have to bend over too long. When the blood rushes to my head I get a terrific headache.
Chief: There is such a thing as protocol.
Maxwell Smart: Is that anything like an aspirin?

Colonel von Klaus: A king is confident, determined, dignified, proud. His very manner inspires awe among the common folk.
Chief: A king is confident, determined, dignified, proud. His very manner inspires awe among the common folk.
[touching Max on the arm]
Chief: You look great Max.
[Max looks derisively at the Chief, who lowers his arm]
Maxwell Smart: [speaking in the manner of King Charles] You dare to call a king by his first name? Beware of your head, my friend.

"Get Smart: Kiss of Death (#2.15)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: I'm telling you, Chief, this was no ordinary kidnap attempt. I happen to have recognized one of those hoods as a KAOS man.
Chief: What's the man's name?
Maxwell Smart: I can't remember.
Chief: What was the girl's name?
Maxwell Smart: I didn't get it.
Chief: What about the license number of the girl's car?
Maxwell Smart: I didn't see it.
Chief: How about the license of the other car?
Maxwell Smart: I didn't notice.
Chief: Max, what would you do if you were me and an agent gave you answers like 'I can't remember,' 'I didn't notice' and 'I didn't see it?'
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.

# 99: Oh, Max, the lab men asked me to bring you this belt to wear to the party tonight.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, thank you, 99.
# 99: It's the latest piece of special equipment. The buckle contains a minuscule tape recorder.
Maxwell Smart: What?
# 99: Minuscule. Diminutive. Microcosmic.
Maxwell Smart: Heh. You certainly have a way with words, 99.
[turns to the Chief for further explanation]
Chief: Teensy weensy.

"Get Smart: All in the Mind (#1.20)" (1966)
Chief: Max, be reasonable. How could a girl drown in a phone booth?
Maxwell Smart: How do I know? Maybe she couldn't swim.

Maxwell Smart: Hello, operator? Now listen to me and listen carefully... I want you to get me a special Washington phone number. This is a top secret number. Only a few people know it. I want you to forget it the minute that I tell it to you. The number is 628-3097.
Telephone Operator: Oh, you want CONTROL. One moment, please.
Chief: Hello?
Maxwell Smart: Hello, Chief? Uh, this is Max. Uh, listen, Chief, you want to hear something funny? I'm drowning in a phone booth.
Chief: Drowning in a phone booth?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, Chief. You see, what I told you about Mrs. Sloan, that was right. She didn't... she didn't drown in the river.
# 99: Max, please tell him where we are.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, right, 99. Uh, Chief, I think we're gonna need... I think we're gonna need help in a hurry.
Chief: Where are you, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Uh...
[the call is cut off]
Telephone Operator: I'm sorry, your time is up. Insert ten cents more, please.
Maxwell Smart: But operator, I don't have any more change, and this is a matter of life and death.
Telephone Operator: That's what they all say, sir.

"Get Smart: The Dead Spy Scrawls (#1.18)" (1966)
Chief of Control: [The Chief, Max and Parker are deciphering the dead spy scrawls] 'P.I.'
Maxwell Smart: I think I've got it, Chief. It's really quite simple, Parker. You see the Electronic Brain is located somewhere in the Philippine Islands.
Parker: Wrong.
Maxwell Smart: Wrong.
Chief of Control: 'Paid Informer'.
Parker: Right.
Maxwell Smart: Right.

Maxwell Smart: Well, I'm your man, Chief. This is my assignment.
Chief of Control: Max, this is extremely dangerous, you'd be on the spot, walking a tightrope. Possibly facing a violent death.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it!

"Get Smart: With Love and Twitches (#4.9)" (1968)
99: [worried] He's not gonna show up, he doesn't want to marry me.
Chief: Don't say that, 99, he'll be here, he must have stopped of for something on the way.
99's Mother: Of course darling, he probably stopped of at a bar for a drink.
99: At 10.30 in the morning?
99's Mother: Bums drink at any hour.

Chief: The guests are starting to ask questions.
99: Have they all arrived?
99's Mother: Everyone except the bum.
99: Well Chief, I guess you'd better go downstairs and tell them that the wedding is off.
Chief: Let's give the bum another few minutes... I mean Max.

"Get Smart: Our Man in Leotards (#1.10)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief. Emilio Naharana. Isn't he the world famous ballet dancer?
Chief: Correct. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Maxwell Smart: No Chief, I'm thinking what I'm thinking.

Maxwell Smart: Isn't this top secret?
Chief: Yes.
Maxwell Smart: Well, don't you think it would be wize to speak in a foreign language?
Chief: [a bit reluctantly] All right, French.
Maxwell Smart: French? Gosh, Chief, everybody speaks French. Why don't we speak in Swahili?
Chief: As you wish. Mahani ganga gi.
Maxwell Smart: Ganga gi? I thought it was ganga ga.
Chief: No, ganga gi.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, that's strange. I thought it was gi after ganga unless it came before goo
Chief: [exasperated] How about English?
Maxwell Smart: English? Eh... okay, but don't go too fast.

"Get Smart: The Only Way to Die (#2.4)" (1966)
# 99: [99 is crying at Maxwell Smart's funeral] Poor Max... he was so young.
Chief: Yes, he was young.
# 99: And vital...
Chief: He was vital.
# 99: And intelligent...
[the Chief does not reply]
# 99: Loyal?
Chief: Yes, he was loyal.

Maxwell Smart: What did you bring me today, Chief?
Chief: Corned beef from Irving's delicatessen.
[turns to leave]
Maxwell Smart: Chief?
Chief: Hm?
Maxwell Smart: I don't care what happens to me, but somehow, some place, some time I'm going to put that man behind bars.
Chief: The Blaster.
Maxwell Smart: No, Irving. This corned beef is terrible.

"Get Smart: Age Before Duty (#5.11)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: Are you kidding? There's a man that's been murdered lying there on the pinball machine, and you want people to come in here and dance and drink and carry on?
Bartender: Why not? They do it every night.
Maxwell Smart: You mean there's a killing here every night?
Maxwell Smart: Well, not every night. We're closed Mondays. But we have two on Saturday.
Maxwell Smart: What day is this, Chief?
Chief: Friday.
[Smart blows a sigh of relief]

Chief: Good grief, 99 you look... 99.

"Get Smart: KAOS in CONTROL (#1.7)" (1965)
Chief of Control: Gentlemen, as of this moment, all members of control are on Magenta alert.

Maxwell Smart: [about the Cone of Silence] You know this thing doesn't work, why do you always insist on using it?
Chief of Control: Well, for one thing, it's 20 degrees cooler inside.

"Get Smart: Too Many Chiefs (#1.11)" (1965)
Chief: [choosing a double countersign] Here's a good one. I'll say: 'The migrating birds fly low over the sea'. You say: 'Shadeless windows admit no light'. Then I'll say: 'The wingless dove protects its nest' and you'll say: 'The toothless tiger rules the restless jungle'. Have you got that?
Maxwell Smart: Yes Chief.
Chief: All right, let's try it. The migrating birds fly low over the sea.
Maxwell Smart: The restless jungle admits no shades.
Chief: No Max, no, I have the restless jungle, you have the shadeless windows and the wingless doves.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I thought you had the wingless doves and I had the shadeless windows.
Chief: No, Max.
Maxwell Smart: But how about this for a double countersign, Chief? You say: 'Hello Max' and I say: 'Hi, Chief' and you say...
Chief: Smart!

Chief: [the chief drinks a glass of Bourbon, thinking it's buttermilk to ease his throat] That's not buttermilk!
Maxwell Smart: You bet your sweet life it isn't!

"Get Smart: Hurray for Hollywood (#4.15)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [on phone] Well, look for me in the third act. That's where I do my big scene. I get killed.
Chief: I'll be looking forward to it.

Chief: It's KAOS confetti. This is how they contacted their agents.
Maxwell Smart: I don't understand.
Chief: Well, whenever KAOS wanted to contact their agents in a different city, they'd hold a parade. Now the agents would pick up the confetti from the street and the color of the confetti determined their instructions.
Chief: How?
Chief: Green confetti meant that they were supposed to go ahead with the proposed plan. Red confetti meant stop instantly.
Maxwell Smart: Well that's fantastic, Chief. How did you ever find that out?
Chief: Well, they also used white confetti. That meant 'Danger, leave the country immediately'. Fortunately for us during their last parade it snowed.
Maxwell Smart: And they all left the country?
Chief: No, they all went to Miami.

"Get Smart: Shipment to Beirut (#1.29)" (1966)
Chief: Now remember, now that we know that KAOS is in possession of the stolen plans, what we have to find out is how they intend to smuggle them out of the country and when.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. Well, what you're saying, Chief is that now that we know how, all we have to do is find out who, when and where.
Chief: No, forget about where. When we find out how, we'll know where.
Maxwell Smart: Well, how will how tell us where?
Chief: If it's going by boat, it's probably going to Richelieu's salon in Beirut, which is a safe port. If it's going by plane, it'll probably go to his salon in Damascus. You understand?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, I understand Chief, but I don't think I quite agree with you. You see all you've told me is that we know how but we don't know who, when or where. So that tells us that we don't know anything.
Chief: [blinks] What?
Maxwell Smart: Well, we know who, and that doesn't tell us when, so why should how tell us where?
Chief: Max, you're driving me crazy.
Maxwell Smart: How?
Chief: Don't say that word!
Maxwell Smart: Why?

Maxwell Smart: Oh, and one more thing: you were wrong about where.
Chief: I was wrong about what?
Maxwell Smart: Not what, where. You see, knowing how the shipment was sent didn't tell us who, it only told us why.
Chief: What are you talking about?
# 99: How and when didn't tell us what and where.
Chief: You too?
# 99: When we knew what and how, we should have known when and where.
Maxwell Smart: No, why and who told us when and where.

"Get Smart: Aboard the Orient Express (#1.13)" (1965)
Chief: [looking at slide # 4, a deceased Agent 85 aboard the Orient Express] Your conclusion, 86?
Maxwell Smart: Suicide, Chief.
Chief: Suicide?
99: But Max, he was gassed!
Maxwell Smart: Well, I don't know anything about his drinking habbits 99, but there's a suicide note on the floor.
Chief: That's his ticket.

Chief: Now this briefcase must be gotten to B12 somewhere in the Balkans.
Maxwell Smart: Why it's beautiful, Chief, and it's real leather too. Do you think he'll like it.
99: Max, it contains a half million dollars.
Maxwell Smart: He'll love it.

"Get Smart: Strike While the Agent Is Hot (#2.2)" (1966)
Chief: 'The little red tractor that huffed and puffed'.
Agent 99: Must be some kind of code, Chief.
Chief: That's possible, 99
Maxwell Smart: [slaps the table] That's it, Chief.
Chief: That's what?
Maxwell Smart: Red means communist. Tractor means farmer. Huff and puff means tired.
[sits back with a smug look on his face]
Chief: What's that supposed to mean?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know. Find a tired communist farmer and ask him.

Chief: Max, that's good shooting.
Maxwell Smart: I know Chief, I got him right in the fiction section.

"Get Smart: The Treasure of C. Errol Madre (#5.5)" (1969)
Chief: When KAOS hijacked that money from us yesterday, Max, it put is into deep financial trouble. This is Control's temporary headquarters.
Maxwell Smart: In an elevator?
Chief: It was this or the men's room.

Chief: This may be the break we've been waiting for. I asked the CIA and FBI if they'd share some of their federal funds with us.
[reads note]
Maxwell Smart: It's a waste of time, Chief, you know what they'll tell you to do.
Chief: I have to go to the city morgue right away.
Maxwell Smart: See?

"Get Smart: Widow Often Annie (#5.4)" (1969)
Chief: The moment she tries to kill him, we'll have her for attempted murder.
Agent 99: But what if she kills him before you get there to stop her?
Chief: Then we'll have her for murder.
Maxwell Smart: That's even better, 99, it's tough to beat a murder rap!

Chief: That's just what we've been waiting ten years to hear. Larabee, You got your tape recorder?
Larabee: Right here, Chief.
Chief: Good boy.
Larabee: When do you want me to turn it on?

"Get Smart: Back to the Old Drawing Board (#1.19)" (1966)
Chief of Control: [to 86] I want you to use your watch-phone tonight. I don't want you taking off your shoe at the party.

Maxwell Smart: Would you like to join Control?
Hymie: No thank you.
Maxwell Smart: No?
Hymie: I just don't like violence.
# 99: What would you like to do?
Hymie: I'd like to work for IBM.
Chief of Control: Oh, because of your scientific curiosity?
Hymie: No, it's a nice way to meet some intelligent machines.

"Get Smart: Pussycats Galore (#2.27)" (1967)
Chief: Don't forget, this is a most hazardous assignment. The second you set foot in Germany, you'll be living in constant, extreme danger.
Maxwell Smart: Und damit Gefreut.
Chief: What's he saying now, 99?
# 99: 'And loving it'.

Maxwell Smart: Eh, well, Chief, I guess I deserve a little congratulations for this.
Chief: Yes Max, you did a fine job.
Maxwell Smart: Fine job?
Chief: Yes.
Maxwell Smart: Well you could be a little more enthusiastic than that, Chief. After all, I'm a hero! I deserve a medal for this.
Chief: A medal?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, don't you realize what I've done? I've made the world safe for German scientists!

"Get Smart: Island of the Darned (#2.11)" (1966)
# 99: Hans Hunter, wasn't he a high ranking Nazi?
Chief: He was at various times a Nazi, a communist, a member of the Mafia and is right now one of the top executives of KAOS.
Maxwell Smart: If there's anything I hate, it's a joiner.

Maxwell Smart: Chief, you've got to let me go after Hunter. I wanna get that madman no matter how dangerous it is. I don't care if he is one of the world's greatest killers. I don't care if he is a master of fiendish torture and death. I want 'im, Chief. You've got to let me have that assignment.
Chief: You've got it, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Of course, if you'd rather send someone else...
Chief: The job's yours, Max.
Maxwell Smart: I mean, I don't wanna force you into anything, Chief...

"Get Smart: One Nation Invisible (#4.14)" (1968)
Chief: Who is the one person who could penetrate KAOS headquarters, get the Ginsburg papers and slip out without being noticed?
Maxwell Smart: [slams his hand with gum stuck to it on the Chief's desk] The vice-president!

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, these are the wrong papers!
# 99: What do you mean, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Why, these are the Gottlieb papers.
Chief: No Max, those are the Ginsburg papers.
Maxwell Smart: But it says right there, Gottlieb.
Chief: Ginsberg changed his name.

"Get Smart: Smart Fit the Battle of Jericho (#2.22)" (1967)
Chief: Max, this job calls for an agent with high intelligence, sharp judgement and total fearlessness.
Maxwell Smart: [flattered] Well, ok Chief, if you put it that way...
Chief: Unfortunately I can't spare 99 right now.

Chief: Oh and Max, remember: both Joshua and the Baron are ruthless, cold blooded killers. From the minute you set foot in that hotel you'll be facing constant, extreme danger.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it.

"Get Smart: Spy, Spy, Birdie (#3.22)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: I think I'd better have a talk with Mr. Siegfried.
Agent 99: Good thinking, Max, but how are you going to find him?
Maxwell Smart: Very simple, 99, I happen to know that Ludwig will be at the Smithsonian Institute at 9 am on Tuesday.
Chief: Max, who cares about Ludwig, what about Siegfried?
Maxwell Smart: Chief, you don't understand. 'Ludwig' is the KAOS codename for Siegfried and '9 am on Tuesday' is actually 11 am on Thursday.
Chief: [glances at watch] Well it's almost that time now. Max, you'd better get started for the Smithsonian right away.
Maxwell Smart: Chief, the 'Smithsonian' is the KAOS codename for park.
Chief: [shouting] Max, get going right away!

"Get Smart: The Wax Max (#3.20)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [on shoe-phone] Hello Chief?
Chief: [on phone in office] Hello Max. What's wrong? your voice sounds scratchy.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, it must be the sand in the shoe. Chief.

"Get Smart: Perils in a Pet Shop (#2.13)" (1966)
# 99: Usual procedure?
Chief: Naturally, three copies of the report.
# 99: File the master copy and burn the other two.
Chief: Of course.
# 99: Chief, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why do we bother making extra copies when all we do is destroy them?
Chief: That's security procedure, 99.
# 99: Doesn't it strike you as being a little odd?
Chief: Well, I used to think so too, but well it's all carefully explained in the Control Standard Procedure Handbook.
# 99: Oh, may I have a look at that handbook some time?
Chief: No, I'm afraid not, 99.
# 99: Why not?
Chief: We burned it.

"Get Smart: The Spy Who Met Himself (#3.1)" (1967)
Chief: We don't know who they're going to impersonate next. So none of us is safe. We can't take any chances.
Maxwell Smart: [pulls out a gun] All right, that's it! Stay right where you are, nobody move!
Agent 99: Max!
Chief: What are you doing?
Maxwell Smart: Just checking you out, Mister. If you really are the Chief of Control, prove it.
Chief: Put it away.
Maxwell Smart: I'm not putting anything away until I'm completely satisified that you're not an imposter!
Chief: If you don't put it away in exactly two seconds, you're fired.
Maxwell Smart: I'm completely satisfied.

"Get Smart: Witness for the Execution (#5.19)" (1970)
Chief: I have a surprise for you.
[hands Max a note that says 'Mike hidden']
Maxwell Smart: You're kidding! That's unbelievable! I haven't seen him in years, Mike Hiddeman.

"Get Smart: Where-What-How-Who Am I? (#2.23)" (1967)
Chief: Doctor, what's wrong?
Dr. Mangle: Well, he's had a slight concussion. His memory has become affected.
Chief: Max, it's me, the Chief.
Maxwell Smart: The Chief? Well you don't look like an Indian to me.
# 99: Max!
[grabs his shoulder]
Maxwell Smart: Please madam, who are you?
# 99: I'm 99!
# 99: Well, you look pretty good for your age.

"Get Smart: Ship of Spies: Part 2 (#1.28)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: [speaking on 99s portable hair dryer phone] Hello Chief, this is Max.
Chief: [on the other line] Max, are there any clues?
Maxwell Smart: No Chief, just that clip-clop sound I was telling you about.
Chief: Does anyone on board make that noise?
Maxwell Smart: Everyone on board makes that noise.

"Get Smart: How to Succeed in the Spy Business Without Really Trying (#2.25)" (1967)
# 99: If Siegfried is on the level, Chief, think of all the valuable information we can get from him.
Chief: Yes, you may be right. Max, where does he want to meet?
Maxwell Smart: In the same warehouse.
Chief: Well all right, but if it's a trap and we get killed, you're fired!
Chief: [pause] Max, you know I'm frightened...
Maxwell Smart: Why Chief?
Chief: I'm beginning to sound like you.

"Get Smart: Now You See Him, Now You Don't (#1.5)" (1965)
Chief of Control: Max, I don't mean to suggest that you're not telling the truth, but isn't it just conceivable that this whole affair could've been a bad dream?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Absolutely not, Chief! I tell you, I saw two invisible men!

"Get Smart: Don't Look Back (#3.18)" (1968)
# 99: Don't worry Max, we've got the best criminal lawyer available.
Maxwell Smart: [quite exited] Gregson?
Chief: No, he wouldn't touch the case.
Maxwell Smart: [less enthusiastic] Boumser?
# 99: No, he said he was leaving town.
Chief: Right after he heard about your case...
Maxwell Smart: [getting worried] Yarmy?
# 99: No, he's defending the Boston Strangler.
Maxwell Smart: [desperate] Don't tell me it's Hanrahan?
# 99, Chief: It's Hanrahan.
Maxwell Smart: I asked you not to tell me that! He hasn't won a case in 30 years!
Chief: I guess he just want to keep his record perfect.

"Get Smart: The Greatest Spy on Earth (#2.10)" (1966)
Chief: [on phone] Now, you're just going to have to go in there and face those viscious, hungry, man-eating lions. But Max...
Maxwell Smart: [on other line] Yes Chief?
Chief: Don't take any unnecessary risks.

"Get Smart: The Farkas Fracas (#4.11)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: I'm not eating any more of this stuff.
[gets up from the table with the mouse]
Chief: Where are you going?
Maxwell Smart: I'm gonna dump it in this plant over here.
[goes back to table and sits down]
Maxwell Smart: No, I'd better not it might kill it.
Chief: That's a plastic plant.
Maxwell Smart: I know but it might kill it anyway.

"Get Smart: Schwartz's Island (#4.13)" (1968)
99: [stuck in synthetic sand] Oh, we're never gonna get out of here alive, Max.
Maxwell Smart: I know it, 99, I just wish Bannister were here.
99: Who's Bannister?
Chief: Control's top agent.
99: Why do you wish he were was here, Max?
Maxwell Smart: I don't like him.

"Get Smart: How Green Was My Valet (#5.20)" (1970)
Larabee: We've intercepted a message from the Bulmanian Embassy.
Chief: [stands up] Good work, Larabee, where is it?
Larabee: I swallowed it.
Chief: You what?
Larabee: I had to, I was being followed. But I read it before I swallowed it, Chief.
Chief: Good. What did it say?
Larabee: I don't know, it was in code.
Chief: And you didn't understand it?
Larabee: I could understood part of it, Chief, the part that was written in English.
Chief: And what did that say?
Larabee: Swallow this, if you're being followed.

"Get Smart: Ice Station Siegfried (#5.13)" (1969)
Chief: [on public phone] General, this is the Chief of Control. I'm in Miami and I won't be able to get out because we're under twelve feet of snow.
General Christian: [on other line] Oh, that's bad.
Maxwell Smart: Let me talk to him, Chief.
[grabs phone]
Maxwell Smart: Hello General, this is Maxwell Smart. I'm stuck down here too.
General Christian: But that's good.

"Get Smart: A Spy for a Spy (#2.3)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: [Max has just doublechecked if all the Control agents are on the bus] Yes, they're all here, Chief.
Chief: Then let's go.
Maxwell Smart: We can't.
Chief: Why not?
Maxwell Smart: Siegfried kidnapped our bus driver.

"Get Smart: The Hot Line (#3.24)" (1968)
Chief Smart: [the Chief has been demoted to agent and Max has been named chief] Just a moment. I don't think we should call you Chief from now on, that woudn't be proper. Eh, what was your old number?
Chief: Q.
Chief Smart: Q?
Chief: Yes, I was an agent before they switched to numbers.

"Get Smart: Kisses for KAOS (#1.17)" (1966)
Chief of Control: [on phone] I hope you're not in Lovers Lane by yourself, it could draw attention to you.
Maxwell Smart: [on steering wheel phone] Don't worry Chief, I have my Inflato-Girl with me.

"Get Smart: The Mummy (#2.19)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: It says here the mummy of the Egyptian King Tut the fourth is due to arrive in the United States today.
Chief: Oh really? When is his daddy due?
Maxwell Smart: No, Max, this mummy, King Tut the fourth is dead.
Chief: Oh. And you want me to find out who killed him?
Maxwell Smart: Max, he died more than three thousand years ago.
Chief: Oh, that's bad Chief, it's gonna be very difficult to round up witnesses.

"Get Smart: Smart Fell on Alabama (#5.6)" (1969)
Chief: Max, this is a suicide mission. Whoever goes, will probably never come back.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, whoever it is, Chief, let's wish him good luck.
Chief: Good luck, Max.

"Get Smart: Maxwell Smart, Private Eye (#3.5)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: Where's the Cone of Silence?
Agent 99: Max, we've leased it to the CIA.
Maxwell Smart: But that's ridiculous!
Chief: It's just for a short time. I'm sure Congress will reconsider our budget cut.
Agent 99: Well, why doesn't Congress cut the CIA's budget?
Maxwell Smart: How can they? Nobody knows what their budget is.

"Get Smart: Rub-A-Dub-Dub... Three Spies in a Sub (#2.9)" (1966)
Chief: [the Chief has assigned Max's number to another agent in his absence] I'm sorry Max.
Maxwell Smart: It's ok, Chief. I'm expendable.
Chief: I'll make it up to you Max.
Maxwell Smart: A raise?
Chief: No, we're over budget.
Maxwell Smart: A vacation?
Chief: I can't spare you right now.
Maxwell Smart: How about another suicide mission?

"Get Smart: Weekend Vampire (#1.14)" (1965)
Chief: Now our one clue is the melody you heard just before the murder. Arrick, is the Detect-O-Tune ready?
Arrick: Yes, Chief.
Chief: Good.
Maxwell Smart: How does it work?
Arrick: Well, the Detect-O-Tune can reconstruct any melody in the same way that a criminal's face can be reconstructed through the descriptions of witnesses. Now, can you remember any of the notes that you heard?
Chief: Just hum anything you remember, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Ok, let me see now, Chief.
[begins humming]
Maxwell Smart: Daaa, daaa, daaa, daaa, doo, daaa, daaa...
[Arrick then slowly plays same notes on Detect-O-Tune]
Maxwell Smart: A little faster than that.
[Arrick plays notes faster and faster and quickly gets carried away]
Chief: ARRICK!
Arrick: Sorry, Chief.
Chief: Try to get it, Max. This may be vital!
Maxwell Smart: All right, Chief. Let me see.
[begins humming]
Maxwell Smart: Daaa, daaa, daaa, daaa...
Arrick: [humming along] Bom, bom, bom, bom...
Maxwell Smart: No, no, no. Daaa, daaa, daaa, da-da-dee, daaa, daaa...
Maxwell Smart, Chief, Arrick: Daaa, daaa, daaa, dee, daa, dee-dah...
[All three start singing]
Maxwell Smart, Chief, Arrick: "Heart of my heart, how I love that melody, love the melody, heart of my heart, brings back a memory!"
[Max and Arrick realize what they're doing and stop singing, Chief gets carried away and continues singing]
Chief: "When we were kids on the corner of the street, we were rough and..."
[Chief stops singing, noticing the others have stopped as well]
Chief: [Max takes out a notebook and starts writing something]
Chief: What are you doing, Max?
Maxwell Smart: I'm putting you down for the lead in "The Spy Frolics", Chief.
Chief: MAX!
[Max puts his notebook away]

"Get Smart: Satan Place (#1.9)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart: [Chief's car won't turn over] You know, I don't claim to be an expert on these things, but I'm willing to make a large wager that I know just where the trouble is.
Chief: Where, Max?
Maxwell Smart: In the engine.
Chief: [sarcastically] Good thinking, you wanna take a look there?
Maxwell Smart: Where?
Chief: In the engine!

"Get Smart: My Nephew the Spy (#1.12)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart: I demand the cone of silence.
Chief: Max, do we have to?
Maxwell Smart: Well, with vital information like this, of course we have to, Chief.
Chief: Okay, you win, Max.
Chief: [speaking into intercom] Hodgkins, lower the cone of silence.
Chief: [the cone of silence is lowered over the Chief and Max] Now what did you find out?
Maxwell Smart: Nothing.
Chief: [pushes button, angrily] Hodgkins, raise the cone of silence.

"Get Smart: Moonlighting Becomes You (#5.14)" (1970)
Maxwell Smart: [Max has got Lemon Meringue Pie all over the Chief] Sorry about... that, Chief. What's new?
Chief: This suit was, until I walked in.

"Get Smart: Closely Watched Planes (#4.3)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: I get it, Chief. You want me to find out how they're doing it.
Chief: No, I think the key to this is to find out who is doing it.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Right. Now, if I find out how they're doing it, then I will know who is doing it.
# 99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Hmm?
# 99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Eh... yes, why, Chief?
Chief: Why what?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, why if I find out how they're doing it, will I know who is doing it?
Chief: Because if you find out who is doing it and how they're doing it, it stands to reason you'll find out why they're doing it.
Maxwell Smart: [to 99] That's why.
[turns back to the Chief]
Maxwell Smart: When?
Chief: You can go now, Max.

"Get Smart: 99 Loses Control (#3.19)" (1968)
Chief: [on phone] Max, where in the world are you?
Maxwell Smart: [on payphone] Well Chief, I thought I needed a little vacation so I came to St. Germain island.
Chief: St Germain Island? Max, I need you!
Maxwell Smart: Big assignment, eh?
Chief: No, you left with my car keys.

"Get Smart: Cutback at Control (#2.18)" (1967)
Chief: Larabee?
Larabee: Yes sir?
Chief: I want an appointment with Senator Palmer. Call him.
Larabee: On what? they took my phone away too.
Chief: Well don't just stand there, call him from the candy store on the corner.
Larabee: Yes sir.
[turns to go, then changes his mind]
Larabee: Chief, you got a dime on you?

"Get Smart: Stakeout on Blue Mist Mountain (#1.24)" (1966)
Chief of Control: [Max has disarmed a bomb by getting his tie stuck in the mechanism] I don't know how you did it, Max, but you just saved the East Coast, maybe the whole world. That was a close one.
Maxwell Smart: You don't know how close it was, Chief. I was thinking of wearing my bow tie today.

"Get Smart: Operation Ridiculous (#3.21)" (1968)
Chief: This morning I received a phone call that may change the destiny of our entire organization. Weeknews magazine is going to do a feature story on us.
Maxwell Smart: Weeknews magazine?
Chief: They picked us over Eddie Fisher, Ho Chi Minh and the President's grandson.
# 99: Do you think publicity is such a good idea, Chief?
Maxwell Smart: Well of course it is. The CIA is in the newspapers all the time and the FBI has it's own television show. We're the only secret organization in the world that nobody ever heard of.

"Get Smart: Valerie of the Dolls (#5.3)" (1969)
Chief: California is expecting an earthquake. Now this is the perfect alibi for KAOS: they blow California into the ocean and everybody will blame it on the earthquake.
Agent 99: But Chief, if that were to happen...
Chief: That's right, 99, it would be a disaster.
Maxwell Smart: And some disaster! Just think, Ronald Reagan would have to go back to making movies again!

"Get Smart: Hello, Columbus - Goodbye, America (#5.24)" (1970)
Chief: I know this is going to come as a shock, but that painting, and every painting in this museum, belongs to the man they work for.
Agent 99: But Chief, everything in this museum belongs to the United States.
Chief: That's the trouble, 99. The man they work for owns the United States.

"Get Smart: Die, Spy (#3.25)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, 99, atrocities, cruelties and brutalities. the thing that we feared for so long has finally come to pass.
Chief: What's that, Max?
Maxwell Smart: ACB, the third spy network.

"Get Smart: The Laser Blazer (#4.10)" (1968)
Chief: [the Chief walks in to find Max and Ingrid lying on the couch] Max!
Maxwell Smart: Oh, hi Chief, this is Ingrid, our massage she's giving me a maid.

"Get Smart: I'm Only Human (#1.23)" (1966)
Chief of Control: [Max' rubber duck gun goes off in the Chief's hand] Just like Max. If I told him once, I've told him a thousand times: Max, never leave your duck loaded.

"Get Smart: Shock It to Me (#4.22)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief, I read about that case in the papers. Three guys went into Fort Knox and they got 600 pounds of gold bars, put 'em in a sack, dropped them from a roof, to a guy who was waiting on the ground below.
Chief: That's right, Max.
Maxwell Smart: And then all three guys on the roof were shot down.
Agent 99: How'd the fourth man die, Max?
Maxwell Smart: He caught the sack.

"Get Smart: The Groovy Guru (#3.15)" (1968)
Chief: What if they torture you?
Maxwell Smart: [distracted by Dr. Steele] Oh, torture. Well, I can stand the pain if they can stand the screams.

"Get Smart: The Expendable Agent (#2.24)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: I'm getting complaints from the landlord about the gun battles in the hall, and the bombs in the lobby, and the knife fights in the elevator.
Chief: Well, when you rent an apartment to a secret agent, you've got to expect those things.
Maxwell Smart: But Chief, he doesn't know I'm a secret agent.
Chief: Well, how then do you explain people attacking you and shooting at you?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I told him I work for the Bureau of Internal Revenue.

"Get Smart: Tequila Mockingbird (#4.17)" (1969)
Chief: Cash in that train ticket I gave you.
Maxwell Smart: What train ticket?
Chief: Didn't I give you a train ticket to Dakoma?
Maxwell Smart: you gave me a tramway ticket to Tahachame.
Chief: [interrupting] Now stop it, right there, I don't wanna get involved in any of those tongue twisters with you, Max, the last time I did it, I couldn't talk for two days.