Quotes for
Conrad Siegfried (Character)
from "Get Smart" (1965)

Get Smart (2008)

Maxwell Smart: I think it's only fair to warn you, this facility is surrounded by a highly trained team of 130 Black Op Snipers.
Siegfried: I don't believe you.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe two dozen Delta Force Commandos?
Siegfried: No.
Maxwell Smart: How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun?

Siegfried: [to Dalip] Well, you did your job, so I suppose I can't kill your wife. Although be honest, I'd be doing the sighted world a favor.

Shtarker: Too bad about all the dead movie stars.
Siegfried: Yes. What will we do without their razor-sharp political advice.

Siegfried: How do I know you're not Control?
Maxwell Smart: If I were Control, you'd already be dead.
Siegfried: If you were Control, you'd already be dead.
Maxwell Smart: Neither of us is dead, so I am obviously not from Control.
Shtarker: That actually makes sense.

Shtarker: Are you crazy? This is radioactive material! One wrong move, and it's ka-frickin'-boom!
Siegfried: This is KAOS. We don't "ka-frickin'-boom" here.

Dalip: Bomb didn't go off.
Siegfried: Oh really bright eyes, what alerted you? Was it no boom-boom or the lack of a mushroom cloud?
Shtarker: It was the mushroom cloud for me.

Maxwell Smart: This is it?
Siegfried: Of course not, I lied.
Shtarker: He does that.

Siegfried: Why does he do that?
Shtarker: Don't look at me, I'm no one.
Siegfried: And don't you forget it, everyone here can be replaced.
[to Dalip]
Siegfried: I even have backup for you, it's called a rhinoceros.

Siegfried: 200 billion dollars by 3pm.
CIA Agent: 200 billion dollars by 3pm?
Siegfried: You seem a bit slow, is there someone else I can talk to?
Shtarker: Good one.

Siegfried: You know, you're the only human being I know who snores when he's awake.

Siegfried: [to Dalip] Oh my god. Have you eaten the crew? Oh look. It understands.

---

"Get Smart: Wurst Enemies (#1.6)" (1995)

Siegfried: Come on, you're father must have told you all about me. For 30 years I was his wurst nightmare.
Zach Smart: You're my mother's cousin Harvey?

Chief Maxwell Smart: Siegfried, how did you get this number?
Siegfried: I'm on your kid's schneaker-phone.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Zach's schnearker - sneaker-phone?

Siegfried: Ah, it's so great to be evil again!

Chief Maxwell Smart: How is Shtarker?
Siegfried: Very well. He has this small shoe repair kiosk in the Heidelberg train station. He married a lovely Chinese girl - enough. We are former KAOS, we don't reminisce here!

Siegfried: Tonight, to exact my revenge, I have a nuclear missile aimed directly at one of your major cities.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Which one?
Siegfried: The city that contains your greatest minds and most brilliant thinkers.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Hm. Well, at least Washington is safe.

Chief Maxwell Smart: Give it up, Siegfried, you'll never get away with this.
Siegfried: Why not?
Chief Maxwell Smart: Because at this very moment there are 200 naval...
Siegfried: [interrupting] destroyers are headed this way. I know. Then I say I don't believe it, then you say something else again, then I say I don't believe it again and were right back to where we started.
Chief Maxwell Smart: And I thought my wife knew me.

Siegfried: [Max is turning Siegfried's light-up globe which doubles as a remote control for the nuclear missile] Get away from my world!
Chief Maxwell Smart: It's not your world yet, Siegfried.

---

"Get Smart: Spy, Spy, Birdie (#3.22)" (1968)

Siegfried: [Siegfried and Shtarker were also asked to sign Pfisters petition] Did you sign the piece of paper?
Starker: No.
Starker: That's good, you can't write anyway.

Siegfried: [Max has stopped at a traffic light] The world is going to be destroyed in another 45 minutes, you schtupid! This is no time to stop for traffic lights!
Maxwell Smart: Well don't tell that to me, tell it to the pigeon!
[the pigeon they are following is perched on top of the traffic light]

Maxwell Smart: [the pigeon they are following is in a birdbath at the park] How do you like this? 20 minutes till doomsday, and he stops to take a bath.
Starker: I hope that he is not a she.
Siegfried: What difference does it make, Shtarker?
Starker: I may be a killer but I am not a peeping Tom.

Siegfried: An ingenious device, Shmart. What is it?
Maxwell Smart: The old long-playing, high frequency, ultrasonic, stereophonic, strike the match against the sounding board trick. Works every time, Siegfried.

Siegfried: [Siegfried has just released a kamikaze pigeon he thinks is heading for the Pentagon] That bird, eh, labelled Pentagon, I'm afraid is headed for one of your two headquarters.
Siegfried: [gasps] Don't tell me
[starts brabling fake German]
Siegfried: KAOS?
A.J. Pfister: Yes. KAOS.
Siegfried: [shouting] I asked you not to tell me that!

---

"Get Smart: Rub-A-Dub-Dub... Three Spies in a Sub (#2.9)" (1966)

Siegfried: As one bad guy to one good guy I promise you we shall meet again, Smart!

Maxwell Smart: Say, Siegfried, this sure is a nice little submarine you got here.
Siegfried: [ignoring him] Prepare torpedo!
Maxwell Smart: Eh, would you mind if I took a little peek?
Siegfried: We don't peek here!

Siegfried: That trick is stupid! That trick is dumb! That trick is childish! Und... the destroyer is out of range.

Siegfried: You don't sush here. I shush here. Shush!

# 99: [Siegfried is planning to fire 86 and 99 from the sub's torpedo tubes] May I have one last request?
Siegfried: Last request?
# 99: It's just that Maxwell Smart and I have been very dear friends for a long time and I'd like to... shake his hand goodbye.
Siegfried: What kind of a last request is this?

---

"Get Smart: How to Succeed in the Spy Business Without Really Trying (#2.25)" (1967)

Siegfried: [Siegfried has announced he is leaving KAOS] Twenty years I have been with them. Stealing, robbing, lying, killing, murdering. Und what did I get out of it? Nothing! Just a lot of fun.

Siegfried: Tell your Chief I am ready to cooperate with Control. Also I will sell them some of Kaos' top secrets.
Maxwell Smart: All right, Siegfried, I'll tell 'em. But I don't think the Chief will trust you.
Siegfried: Give me one good reason why he shouldn't trust me.
Maxwell Smart: Because you're a rotten, vicious, cruel, cunning, maniacal murderer.
Siegfried: All right, that's one. Now give me another.

Siegfried: I happen to be a most convincing actor. You should have seen me in the KAOS workshop when I starred in 'Killing of the Shrew'.
Shtarker: The, eh, 'Taming of the Screw'.
Siegfried: They don't tame here, they kill!

Siegfried: We don't ad-lib here, Shtarker. We stick to the lines.

---

"Get Smart: The Not-So-Great Escape: Part 1 (#4.25)" (1969)

Siegfried: [addressing captive Control agents] Prisoners of Camp Gitchee Goommee Noonee Wa-Wa, you have been beaten, tortured, starved, maimed, und whipped. Und now... ze picnic is OVER!

Siegfried: [Starker is blowing raspberries with his mouth in imitation of motorcycles] Eh, Starker, this is KAOS we don't
[makes the same raspberry sound]
Siegfried: here.

Maxwell Smart: [posing as Major Kessler] Zit is KAOS, we don't eh...
Siegfried: Chickie Chickie Chi...
Maxwell Smart: We don't do zat here.

Siegfried: Tell me, Starker, who does Major Kessler remind you of?
Starker: Hans Gruber?
Siegfried: Nein, nein, an American.
Starker: Micky Gruber.
Siegfried: Don't push it, Starker.

---

"Get Smart: Ice Station Siegfried (#5.13)" (1969)

Agent Quigley: [password] When I'm calling you...
Siegfried: [countersign] Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh

Siegfried: Look Smart, if you had to pick a disguise, why did you have to pick such a dopey looking one?
Agent Quigley: I'm not Smart from Control.
Siegfried: Then who are you?
Agent Quigley: I'm Dopey fr- I'm Quigley from Intelligence.

Starker: We're not going to kill them?
Siegfried: Mother Nature will do it for us.
Starker: Hm?
Siegfried: We will slip away during the night...
Starker: Und when they wake up tomorrow morning...
Siegfried: They'll be dead.

Siegfried: Clean out the table.
Starker: What do I do with the bones?
Siegfried: Do what you always do. Bring in one of the dogs from the sled, de-frost him, feed him, then freeze him up again.

---

"Get Smart: One of Our Olives Is Missing (#3.7)" (1967)

Siegfried: The minute I go away everything goes kaplot!
Shtarker: But you were here all the time.
Siegfried: You're not making it any easier on yourself, Shtarker.

Maxwell Smart: Very clever...
Maxwell Smart: [pulls of Siegfrieds fake beard] Siegfried McTavish!
Siegfried: How did you know I wasn't a doctor?
Maxwell Smart: Very simple. You went straight to the patient without even complaining about having to make a house call.

Siegfried: Between romance und fear we could rule eight eights of the world.
Shtarker: Why not the whole world?
Siegfried: Don't push it, Shtarker.

Ozark Annie: [Max bursts in to rescue Annie] Puddin' you're as welcome as a new rooster in a henhouse.
Siegfried: What kind of nonsense is this? There are four of us and only one of him. Put down your hands, pull out your guns. He can only shoot one of us!
Maxwell Smart: You're the one.
Siegfried: Please everybody, hands up!

---

Get Smart, Again! (1989) (TV)

Conrad Siegfried: All right, Major, what happened? Why did we not get the Hottentot papers?
Maj. Waterhouse: Errrrr...
Conrad Siegfried: We don't ERRRRRR here!

Conrad Siegfried: I am two years away from retiring and out of nowhere, KAOS is taken over by a corporate raider, a crazy man. Oh, the pressure, you have no idea what the pressure is like. I've got headaches, high blood pressure, insomnia, I'm a capitalist casualty, a merger victim!

Conrad Siegfried: Shtarker, this is KAOS. We don't 'Yippie-yo-ka-yah' here.
Shtarker: Forgive me, I know we don't 'Yippie-yo-ka-yah' here.
Conrad Siegfried: Occasionally a strained 'Yahoo' is alright.

Conrad Siegfried: How is mother?
Prof. Helmut Schmelding: Why ask now? You don't care. You never call, you never write.
Hymie: How well I know that feeling...

---

"Get Smart: The Mysterious Dr. T (#3.13)" (1967)

Siegfried: Nobody leaves! Not until we have made contact with your friend Dr. T.
Maxwell Smart: Dr. T? What are you talking about, Siegfried? I never heard of a Dr. T.
# 99: Neither have I. What does he specialize in?
Siegfried: Fortune cookie messages and the Omega Deltroid Solatron Mark II.
Maxwell Smart: How do you like that? Two wild lucky guesses.

Siegfried: [throws of cardboard box disguise] Let's face it, Schmart, this high cost of eluding could bankrupt both KAOS and Control. Unless of course we were to join forces for this assignment?

Siegfried: Tell me doctor, why were you giving all your miraculous inventions to Professor Longnecker?
Dr. Tattledove: 'Cause he needed ideas for the comic strips he was drawing. It was the least I could do, considering he always bought my newspaper.

---

"Get Smart: Snoopy Smart vs. the Red Baron (#4.2)" (1968)

99: Max, it's Mr. Smith...
Maxwell Smart: It's the Red Baron.
Maxwell Smart, 99: [the man in question takes off his flying goggles] It's Siegfried!
Siegfried: You bet your sweet shoephone it's Siegfried. We meet again...

Maxwell Smart: So, Siegfried, you're the one that's responsible for trying to destroy the potato crop.
Siegfried: Exactly, but that knowledge will do you no good. You see, I'm going to shoot you both, push you in front of the spinning propellers und drop you from 18.000 feet! This is the last time we meet, Shmart!
Maxwell Smart: You mean you're not coming to the wedding?

Maxwell Smart: [hanging on to the wing of Siegfried's plane] Don't tell me you'd shoot an unarmed man in mid-air?
Siegfried: Of course I would.
Maxwell Smart: [shouting] I asked you not to tell me that!

---

"Get Smart: A Spy for a Spy (#2.3)" (1966)

Siegfried: Well, why don't I come back a little later after you've had time to practice.

Siegfried: [on phone] Schmart!
Maxwell Smart: [on the other line] What happened?
Siegfried: Your Chief was just silenced by a pistol butt.
Maxwell Smart: Well that's a little drastic, isn't it, Siegfried? Couldn't you have just shushed him?
Siegfried: We don't shush here!

Maxwell Smart: Here, I have my suicide pill. It's raspberry this month. Wanna try it?
Siegfried: [handling the pill] No thanks.
Maxwell Smart: Go ahead, it's not habit forming.
Siegfried: No.
Maxwell Smart: Where's your suicide capsule?
Siegfried: [holds up left hand] This is my suicide ring. I will have to keep it on.
Maxwell Smart: A suicide wedding ring? How does that work?
Siegfried: Through my wife. She told me if I ever take it off, she'll kill me.

---

"Get Smart: The Not-So-Great Escape: Part 2 (#4.26)" (1969)

Siegfried: Starker?
Starker: Ja?
Siegfried: Why did the dogs run away?
Starker: They didn't like the food.
Siegfried: What did you feed them?
Starker: The same thing we feed the prisoners.
Siegfried: [shouting] You fed that to the dogs?
Starker: Ja, why?
Siegfried: You stupid! You could have made them sick!

Siegfried: [hits Shtarker over the head] We don't tic-tac-toe here!
Starker: Sorry, Siegfried, I couldn't resist.

Siegfried: When they get here and find we are running a prisoner of war camp without a license, we'll be arrested.

---

"Get Smart: Cutback at Control (#2.18)" (1967)

Maxwell Smart: [disguised as an old man] All right, Siegfried, what's the deal?
Siegfried: [disguised as an old lady] Schmart, KAOS is a growing organisation. And you'll be working with a great bunch of boys.
Maxwell Smart: I don't know, Siegfried, I've heard there not all as rotten as the pretend to be.
Siegfried: Not as rotten? Are you kidding? They are all former grease masters, disc jockeys, used car salesmen, TV repairmen und politicians.

Siegfried: What are you doing here? You should be studying for tomorrow's exam.
Maxwell Smart: Oh yes of course. Well, you see, Siegfried, I thought it would be a lot easier to study for tomorrow's exam if I had a copy of it tonight.
Siegfried: Excellent! All ze world loves a cheat. Forget the exam, you just passed it.

---

"Get Smart: The Spy Who Met Himself (#3.1)" (1967)

Siegfried: You look more like Schmart then Schmart does und your voice is his echo. Tell me, how long did it take you to learn that voice so perfectly?
Johan: Just a few months, Siegfried.
Siegfried: Oh, such a genius. It took me almost ten years to speak English so good like I do.

---

"Get Smart: Schwartz's Island (#4.13)" (1968)

99: Max, it's Siegfried and Shtarker!
Siegfried: Well it isn't Robinson Crusoe and Friday, cookie.

---

"Get Smart: Someone Down Here Hates Me (#2.17)" (1967)

Siegfried: You fools! Incompetents! Bunglers!Dumkopfs! Sissies! Call yourselves "killers." You are not worthy of the name. In the past three weeks, Maxwell Smart has personally eliminated no less than eleven...
[shouts]
Siegfried: DO YOU HEAR ME, STUPIDS? Maxwell Smart has personally eliminated no less than eleven of our most vicious, brutal, cold-blooded agents!
[pause]
Siegfried: Some of whom were my most best, dearest, sweetest, kindest friends.

---