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: Put me out there, chief, I'm not afraid to expose myself. Agent 99
: Do you ever think before you speak? Larabee
: No, I just whip it out there. It's what's best.
: Two-nerd pileup!
[bumps Bruce and Lloyd together and makes the noise of squealing tires
] Agent 91
: [shoving Bruce and Lloyed into the desk
] Move! Bruce
: Pretty boys! Nothing but empty suits.
: Hey, Maxine! Why don't you come over here and we'll play a little game I like to call: 'Let's Go to the Dog Show'! I put a collar on you and make you my bi... AH!
[gets shot in the crotch with a paintball by Max
: [while groaning, to 91
] I think I really got inside head. Maxwell Smart
: [to 23
] I am not proud of what I just did.
[Larabee is getting surrounded by the "cone of silence"
: Get OFF!
[talking to Chief
] Maxwell Smart
: Larabee wants out! Maxwell Smart
[Max's head is shone swelling in the cone of silence
[Larabee is texting during a briefing
] Agent 23
: What are you doing? Are you texting? Larabee
: Yeah. Letting my fiancee know we won't be able to get married in June, 'cause I'll still be in this meeting.
] Agent 23
: Can I see that for a second? Larabee
[Larabee hands the phone to 23
] Agent 23
: That's great.
[23 breaks the phone
] Agent 23
: Well, that's weird. You lost your signal.
: I have obtained a snippet, at great risk to a bus boy in Balad.
[Men start speaking in Punjab on a recording which Max is translating
] Maxwell Smart
: "Aftab, how is your coffee?" Maxwell Smart
: "Good, Dalip, it's decaf. How is yours?" Maxwell Smart
: "It is good, also. How is your muffin?" Maxwell Smart
: Powerful stuff The Chief
: So "muffin", then, is a code word? Maxwell Smart
: No, it is comfort food... and quite frankly much more fattening than most people realize. Which begs the question... why would two hardened KAOS agents... risk the carbs? Maxwell Smart
: Because they are under a great deal of stress. Agent 23
: Hence the decaf. Maxwell Smart
: For Aftab yes. Dalip takes his full-strength. Why? Because he has been sleeping on the couch for three days... because he called his sister-in-law a "leathery hag". Larabee
: You know, people often say things in anger they don't really mean. Leathery hag, fat cow, ungrateful whore. Just words really, that shouldn't be used against you in a custody hearing. Agent 91
: Let it go, man, those kids don't even look like you. The Chief
: Can we put a pen in this, please... and go back to Max's extraordinary detailed report? Maxwell Smart
: Thank you, Chief. All I'm saying is... that until we understand that our enemies are also human beings... we will never defeat them. Yes, they are bad guys, but that is what they do, not who they are. Let's continue listening... and bear in mind that the next 100 pages can get a little bit dry. Larabee
: Come on.
[All sigh in boredom
: Hey, new guy. Hold up a second. Welcome to CONTROL. We have a tradition called "Pick on the new guy." Here's how it works. We pick on the new guy. Agent 91
: And you can't do anything about it. Larabee
: Let's try one. You dropped your pencil. Agent 91
: Did you hear the man! Hymie
: I don't see a man, I see two little girls. I think I'll call you Maureen, and you Brittany. Agent 91
: New guy did not. Larabee
: New guy did. Agent 91
: OK, new guy... Larabee
: I got this. And I'm going to enjoy it. Hymie
: That will make me happy, Maureen. Larabee
: Ho ho ho. Maureen...
[Larabee punches Hymie in the stomach- loud metallic sound is heard
: OW! What's in there? Oh. Oh. Hymie
: And just for the record. Larabee
: Oh. Oh. What's in there?
[Hymie staples paper to Larabee's forehead. Larabee screams
: My name is not "new guy". My name is Hymie. Now, if you ladies will excuse me.
[Hymie walks away
: [Bruce and Lloyd hiding off to the side
] This is going to be so fun. Lloyd
: Make him high five me.
[Hymie high fives Lloyd
: Larabee, confiscate that plant. Larabee
: I can't Chief. I'm not a priest.
: Why would you serve a German white wine with Italian food? They don't go together. Larabee
: Well, it was bottled in 1943. Chief
: What has that got to do with it? Larabee
: They went together then.
: Take that tree
[the Maricoba Carnivorae - man-eating tree
: and get it down to headquarters. Larabee
: Right Chief. Where would you like me to put it? Chief
: Right next to your desk
: Where's Max? Larabee
: He's trying to get into the house through the back way. Chief
: That's very heroic of him. Larabee
: Not really, Chief, he had to go to the bathroom.
: How about that, one crutch is shorter than the other. Maxwell Smart
: You're telling me. When I walk, I limp. With a limp!
: [puts phone on hook
] Why doesn't he answer? Larabee
: Maybe he went out for a walk? Chief
: No, he's under doctor's orders not to leave the apartment. Larabee
: Maybe he's taking a nap? Chief
: No, a let the phone ring often enough to wake him. Something must have happened... Larabee
: Maybe something happened to 'em?
: You mean you and Siegfried are triplets? Prof. Helmut Schmelding
: No, there are three of us. Maxwell Smart
: You mean to tell me that you have another brother who looks exactly like you and Siegfried? Prof. Helmut Schmelding
: No, a sister. Larrabee
: I bet she has a tough time getting dates.
: We have perfected a mini-camera that fits right into your nose. All you have to do is press this button on your jacket and your elbow will record what your nose sees. Maxwell Smart
: Well, wouldn't it be better if my nose recorded what my elbow sees? Dr. Denton
: No. Maxwell Smart
: No? Dr. Denton
: No. Maxwell Smart
: No. Dr. Denton
: Simply because in your elbow patch compartment there is a mini recorder plus everything else you might need. A mini-magnet, a mini-gun and a mini-condom. Larrabee
: I'm curious. What use do we have for a mini-magnet? Dr. Denton
: All you need to know is in your mini-manual which is in your other elbow patch compartment.
: We've got one week to save the world. Lucky it's this week, we set our clocks back on Sunday. Larrabee
: That gives us an extra hour.
: Say, that's a beautiful trophy they gave you for winning the marathon race, Larabee, you must be very thrilled. Larabee
: I am, now we have a set, I have one, my wife has one. Maxwell Smart
: You're wife is a professional marathon walker? Larabee
: No, she's a professional wrestler. Maxwell Smart
: Your wife is a professional wrestler? Larabee
: You probably saw her wrestle lots of times on television and didn't know it. Maxwell Smart
: Really? Larabee
: Did you ever see Battling Biff Bannister? Big, tall, built like an ox, always wore a black hood over the face. Maxwell Smart
: Your wife wrestled Battling Biff Banister? Larabee
: My wife is Battling Biff Bannister!
: [on shoe phone
] We're being held in a two room cabin overlooking a lake Larabee
: [on the Chief's other phone
] I know that place, I was stationed near there when I was in the army. Chief
: [on his regular office phone
] Max, where on our way.
[they all hang up
: [draws his revolver
] Ok Larabee, where is it? Chief
: Eh, six miles South of Berlin.
: Hold it, Larabee. Who wrote Little Women? Larabee
: Eh, the book or the picture? Maxwell Smart
: It was a book?
: 86, the Chief... Maxwell Smart
: Hold it, hold it, Larabee. Who wrote Little Women? Larabee
: The play or the TV special? Maxwell Smart
: It was a play?
: Listen, Max, the twins can stay at our place for a few days. My wife would love taking care of them, and they'd have a lot of fun playing in the sand. Maxwell Smart
: You have a place at the beach, Larabee? Larabee
: No, but we have a very sandy apartment. Maxwell Smart
: [thinks for a moment
] Thanks just the same, Larabee.
: Any time, Max.
[starts to leave
: Hold it, Larabee. Larabee
: Yeah, Chief? Chief
: You're not gonna get away with that one that easily. Larabee
: Which one? Chief
: Explain it to me, how you have a very sandy apartment. Larabee
: Oh, well, there's nothing to explain, Chief, we can't get the sand out because our vacuum cleaner's broken. Chief
: Larabee, if you don't live at the beach, how can you have all that sand in your apartment? Larabee
: Oh, well, we've been talking about moving to the beach and we wanted to see if we'd like it. Chief
: Thank you, Larabee.
: Larabee, you're to go Melnick's furniture warehouse... Larabee
: Now? Chief
: Of course now. Larabee
: But the sale doesn't start until tomorrow morning. Chief
: Larrabee, I don't have time to argue, just go to the warehouse and arrest Melnick Archer. Larabee
: Right, Chief. Chief
: You're also to arrest a man named Marcus. Larabee
: Marcus? How will I know him? Chief
: You'll know him, he'll be the man who'll start shooting at you when you arrest Melnick Archer. Larabee
: Oh. Is he a good shot? Chief
: I hope so.
: [Larabee walks in on Max & 99 kissing passionately
] Yes, Larabee? Larabee
: Huh? Agent 99
: What did you want? Larabee
: I forgot. Agent 99
: Goodbye, Larabee. Larabee
: Can I watch while I'm trying to remember? Agent 99
, Maxwell Smart
: Get out, Larabee.
: [having hypnotized the Chief
] Well, I want a raise, a few weeks off, a new car... and I think I would like your office. Yes, yes, I'd like that. You can take mine. And I want the location and the key to the secret executive wash-room. I'd like that. I'd love that. And...
: Well, Chief, everything went off perfectly without a hitch. We left Control, got into the armoured truck, went through a carwash three times, in case anyone was following us. Larabee
: The truck was dirty anyway, Chief. Maxwell Smart
: And here we are. Larabee
: With a clean truck! Chief
: Ok, ok, let me see it. Larabee
: It's parked out in front.
: Larrabee, you're wasting your time. That door is a foot thick and it's constructed of iron and laminated steel. You'll never open it with a quarter. Larabee
: How 'bout two dimes and a nickel?
: [Larabee has a bowling ball on his hand
] What's that on your hand, Larabee? Larabee
: I bought it at lunch, it got stuck on my fingers. Chief
: Why don't you get some oil to get it off? Larabee
: There's no point in doing that Chief, tonight's my bowling night.
: [Larabee has destroyed a phone with the bowlingball stuck to his hand
] Larabee, you smashed the hot-line, how am I going to get the President? Larabee
: I'll get him for ya, Chief.
[walks over to wall, pushes button to slide it open revealing a window behind it that overlooks the White House
] Mister President! Chief
: Larabee, you can't call the President that way. Mr. President
: [off screen
] What do you want?
: How's the formula for the antidote going, Dr. Steel? Dr. Steel
: Hmm. Chief
: Looks pretty hopeless, but she's working on it. Larrabee
: Is there anything I can do to help? Chief
: Can you dance? Larrabee
: I don't think so. Chief
: Then forget it.
: What's wrong, Chief? Chief
: The line's dead. And if I can't find Max in exactly 23 minutes, he'll be dead too.
: You know, Max, sometimes I think the Chief doesn't like me. Agent 99
: Why do you say that, Larabee? Larabee
: I'll tell you, 99. Take that beautiful Japanese dagger he gave me for my birthday. Agent 99
: Well, I saw that dagger. That's very expensive. If the Chief didn't like you, he wouldn't give you a gift like that. Larabee
: That's just it, 99. He didn't give it to me, he threw it at me!
: Why, I have worse news: Harvey just closed the Control delicatessen and went home. Maxwell Smart
: You're kidding, why? Larabee
: He said with only three Control agents left in Washington, he can't afford to stay open any longer. Agent 99
: [on phone
] Right, just as soon as he gets in.
] Agent 99
: What are we gonna do? Larabee
: There's only one thing we can do: eat across the street at Angelo's.
: Larabee, I'm going down to the lab, if anybody wants me, you know where I'll be. Larabee
: Where's that, Chief?
: Larabee, I need a couple of men for surveilance duty. Who's available? No, no wait a minute, on second thought, I'll look in the Control file of the graduating class. Larabee
: Why the, eh, Control graduating class, Chief? Chief
: Because KAOS knows what all our agents look like. Those Control bubblegum cards we came out with last year backfired.
: [on phone at home
] Listen, by the way, thank you so much for the baby gift. Larabee
: [on phone in office
] Oh, did the store send it out already? 99
: Yes, and it's absolutely adorable. I'm looking forward to meeting your wife so I can thank her in person. Larabee
: You could have done that when you got the gift. That was my wife who delivered it. 99
: Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I hope she won't be offended that I tipped her. Larabee
: Well how much did you give her? 99
: A dollar. Larabee
: She wasn't offended.
: Sorry about your clock, lady.
: We've intercepted a message from the Bulmanian Embassy. Chief
: [stands up
] Good work, Larabee, where is it? Larabee
: I swallowed it. Chief
: You what? Larabee
: I had to, I was being followed. But I read it before I swallowed it, Chief. Chief
: Good. What did it say? Larabee
: I don't know, it was in code. Chief
: And you didn't understand it? Larabee
: I could understood part of it, Chief, the part that was written in English. Chief
: And what did that say? Larabee
: Swallow this, if you're being followed.
: Larrabee, has that sample come back from the Control lab yet? Larabee
: It's on my desk, Chief. Chief
: Bring it in. Larabee
: I'll need somebody to help me, that desk is pretty heavy. Maxwell Smart
: I'll help ya, Larrabee.
: [keeping tabs on a tail
] Chief, the cab is headed for the bus terminal. Chief
: So far, so good. Now, if we just don't get a bad break. Larabee
: Smart's covering the bus terminal. Chief
: That's it. Larabee
: That's what? Chief
: The bad break.
: Chief, the real Connie and Floyd just escaped. Chief
: [loading his gun
] Well, I know that, you just told me on the phone! Larabee
: Was that you? I thought I dialed my wife. Chief
: Max and 99 are in danger, let's go.
[starts to leave
: Chief, do I have time to call my wife?
: [pushes button on intercom
] What is it, Larabee? Larabee
: [on other line
] How did you know it was me, Chief? Chief
: Never mind that, Larabee, what are you buzzing me for? Larabee
: The CIA and FBI just called. They want you to tune in on TV channel 51. Chief
: [breaks off connection
] Channel 51, that's the educational spy channel.
: Nice to see you again, Mr. Clark. Chief
: Thank you. This is Mr. Larabee, he's a buyer from out-of-town. 99's Mother
: Oh really, what town? Larabee
: I don't know, yet.
: Gee, I'm sorry I'm late, 99, did you have the baby yet? Maxwell Smart
: Of course she didn't have the baby yet. What are you doing here? Larabee
: I came here to take her to the hospital to have the baby. Maxwell Smart
: Well, we don't know when she's going to have the baby, she could have it tonight, she could have it tomorrow night, she could have it the next night. Larabee
: Gee, I hope not, Max, that's why I'm here now. I'm tied up for the rest of the week.
: It's going to take a super human brain to figure this one out, Chief. Chief
: 99, we have a super human brain. All we have to do is put the question to it. Larabee
: Fire away, Chief, ask me any question you want.
: That's just what we've been waiting ten years to hear. Larabee, You got your tape recorder? Larabee
: Right here, Chief. Chief
: Good boy. Larabee
: When do you want me to turn it on?
: Larabee? Larabee
: Yes sir? Chief
: I want an appointment with Senator Palmer. Call him. Larabee
: On what? they took my phone away too. Chief
: Well don't just stand there, call him from the candy store on the corner. Larabee
: Yes sir.
[turns to go, then changes his mind
: Chief, you got a dime on you?
: You'll never get away with it, Chief, I don't look like Columbus, I don't even speak Italian. Larabee
: Besides, Chief, at Control training school Max flunked torture three years in a row.
: Over budget or no over budget, I can't afford to lay off 5 agents. There must be some mistake. Larabee
: Sorry Chief, but you know this computer, it doesn't make mistakes. Chief
: Oh, then why did it pick Egypt over Israel in the Six Day War? Larabee
: Who didn't?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86
: I don't understand, Chief, what kind of an ape could be intelligent enough to put a banana in the mail? Larabee
: Probably one that worked in the post office. Maxwell Smart - Agent 86
: That's ridiculous, Larabee. Larabee
: I understand during the Christmas rush they'll hire anything.