Agent 99
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Quotes for
Agent 99 (Character)
from "Get Smart" (1965)

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Get Smart (2008)
Agent 99: Are you staring at my butt?
Maxwell Smart: No, no, I... I was, but I'm not... I'm staring again.

Agent 99: Max has no experience, and I don't want him as my partner.
Maxwell Smart: Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads.

Larabee: Put me out there, chief, I'm not afraid to expose myself.
Agent 99: Do you ever think before you speak?
Larabee: No, I just whip it out there. It's what's best.

Agent 99: I used to look like my mom.
Maxwell Smart: I used to look like two of my moms put together.

Agent 99: Did you see anything while I was dancing?
Maxwell Smart: Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you so high.

Agent 99: Did I hear something?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, there were some tap dancers in the hallway.

Maxwell Smart: [Agent 99 leans to kiss him] 99 please, nobody here knows we're dating.
The Chief: [walks by] Yes, they do.
Maxwell Smart: On the cheek.
[Agent 99 kisses his cheek]
Agent 99: [as they walk off] Give me a little one.
[Max kisses her on the lips]

Maxwell Smart: Well, you were no help at all.
Agent 99: How could I help? I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus.
Maxwell Smart: I never said dusty.

Agent 99: Use your peripherals! Do you see him?
Maxwell Smart: I'm just widening my eyes. I'm not actually seeing anything more.
[turns around to look]
Maxwell Smart: Woah, that's a bad guy, that's a really bad guy! Did you see his face? His head looks like one of the Easter Island heads!

[Max is using the toilet and listening in on two henchmen conversing by the sinks. He flushes the toilet and walks over to them]
Maxwell Smart: You know what? I will tell you, I love your country! No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!
[an alarm on his watch goes off]
Maxwell Smart: Time to take my pill...
[leaves and returns to his and 99's table]
Maxwell Smart: There was a guy in the bathroom who's really hot.
[beat]
Agent 99: Okay, well...
Maxwell Smart: No, no, no, radioactive hot. Although, yes, he did have a certain rugged quality that some found appealing.

[Max and 99 are six miles outside of Smolensk, walking along a dirt road]
Maxwell Smart: Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths?
Agent 99: Okay, okay! You know what, so far our entire "partnership" has consisted of me getting you out of trouble! Do you know why? It is because you keep leading!
Maxwell Smart: Well...
Agent 99: So here's how we stop that: I lead now! I'm the one with field experience, and you know nothing!
Maxwell Smart: I beg to differ!
[99 starts walking away]
Maxwell Smart: I looked up your field agent exam, and I scored...
Agent 99: My *what*?
Maxwell Smart: Your field agent exam! I scored eight points higher than you did! That is the difference between an A+ and an A-!
Agent 99: [at the same time] This is not a classroom! This is real! You are really going to get yourself killed if you don't listen to me!
Maxwell Smart: ...A-!
[beat; 99 glares at Max]
Agent 99: Okay. Okay, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do?
Maxwell Smart: I take out my gun...
[pulls his gun out of its holster]
Maxwell Smart: ... and I would shoot-
[as Max raises his weapon in front of him, 99 snatches it from him and points it at his head]
Agent 99: You don't have a gun.
Maxwell Smart: I did until you took it!
Agent 99: "Bang", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart: No, I'm not.
[99 points the gun at Max's heart]
Agent 99: "Bang", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart: Stop shooting me.
Agent 99: You are dead!
[points the gun at spots all over Max's upper body]
Agent 99: Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
Maxwell Smart: I don't like it when you shoot me! Stop it. Stop shooting me! You've already said I was-
[99 sticks Max's gun back into his pants]
Maxwell Smart: Hey.
Agent 99: [quietly] Throw out your manual. I hear there are no grades. There's only "dead" and "not dead".
Maxwell Smart: You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of ­Choi Kwang-Do.
[gets into a warm-up stance, at which point 99 backhands him across the face]
Maxwell Smart: I was not ready!
Agent 99: That's my point.
Maxwell Smart: You know what-
[99 slaps him again]
Maxwell Smart: Hey! What was that?

Agent 23: See, this is your problem, some men like women who are feminine!
Agent 99: What, I'm not feminine?
Agent 23: No.
Agent 99: I'm not feminine?
[kicks Agent 23 in the face]

Agent 99: Oh Chief...
Agent 23: Very sweet tackle.
The President: Look at the surprise on his face!

Agent 99: Inside there's a pill, if captured it will cause death in nine seconds.
Maxwell Smart: Great, but how exactly do I get them to take it?
[pause]
Maxwell Smart: Not much of a laugher are you?

Agent 99: Not bad for a rookie.
Maxwell Smart: Not bad for an old lady.

Maxwell Smart: This whole week, last night, you know me.
Agent 99: Apparently not.
Agent 23: Oh my God, you two? You and Max? You said we had to break up cause we worked together!
Maxwell Smart: Oh my God, you and 23? I am so sexually threatened right now.

Agent 99: I think we should trust him chief.
Agent 23: Oh absolutely Chief, I'm with 99 on that one, everytime I look at Maxie's puppy eyes I'm a goner.
Agent 99: Oh my God, you've really never had anyone break up with you have you?

Agent 99: You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.
Agent 23: You conveniently killed Krstic before anyone could question him.
The Chief: And there's that little matter with you stoning my head with a fire extinguisher.
Maxwell Smart: I said I was sorry, you just didn't hear me because you were in a mini coma.

Maxwell Smart: We are near the drop zone, I'll go first.
Agent 99: Are you going to be ok with your handcuffs?
Maxwell Smart: No handcuffs can contain me.
Maxwell Smart: Hey, violent sky marshall!
Air Marshall: What do you want?
Maxwell Smart: I have to squeeze the lemon.
[a nearby couple sigh in disgust]
Maxwell Smart: You heard me I have to "squeeze the lemon".

Maxwell Smart: I didn't get to eat at the restaurant, and if you skip a meal, the next meal you overindulge.
Agent 99: Ohh! Let me, i've got nails.
[Max gives her the biscuits, she throws them into a lake, and a duck is heard quaking]
Maxwell Smart: You owe me three dollars!

[Max, having been turned down, is talking to himself on a sidewalk]
Maxwell Smart: I am sorry. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent. And when that happens, one phone call could take me to the other side of the world.
[sighs]
Maxwell Smart: Who am I kidding? I'm a middle aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you.
[camera angle changes to show that he's talking to a dog in a pet store display window]
Maxwell Smart: You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, fang. Don't love me.
[as he starts to walk away, a female jogger plows straight into him and both of them fall]
Maxwell Smart: Oh, dear. Sorry.
[helps her to her feet]
Agent 99: Oh, great.
[looks at her watch]
Agent 99: That was my last mile. Now I have no idea how fast I was.
Maxwell Smart: Well, you were really moving. Not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.
Agent 99: I'm just gonna call that one a... 4:50.
Maxwell Smart: Impressive. I, uh, once ran a 5:16.
Agent 99: Oh really? That's, uh, slower.
Maxwell Smart: Well, not everything's a competition.
Agent 99: If it were, I'd win.
Maxwell Smart: Ah. Are you flirting with me?
[beat]
Agent 99: Not at all. Are you flirting with me?
Maxwell Smart: That depends. Is it working?
[99 puts her headphones back in her ears]
Agent 99: Not at all.
[jogs away]
Maxwell Smart: Well nice meeting you! I admire your focus!
[a man comes out of the store wheeling a dolly, and one wheel runs over Max's foot]
Maxwell Smart: Am I invisible?

Agent 99: [seeing Max on his shoe phone] Why are you talking into your shoe?


Get Smart, Again! (1989) (TV)
[last lines]
Maxwell Smart: 99, I love you better than the whole world. Would you believe it? The whole world.
Agent 99: Yes Max, I believe it.
[they kiss]

Agent 99: You met the President! What's he like?
Maxwell Smart: Everything you'd expect him to be!
Agent 99: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Agent 99: Oh, Max. You let him get away. Did you get a look at his face?
Maxwell Smart: If that was his face he has a huge cleft in his chin!

Maxwell Smart: Ok, I'll go in and you cover me.
Agent 99: Max, I dont have a gun.
Maxwell Smart: Eh, ok, then you go in and I'll cover you.
Agent 99: Max!
Maxwell Smart: Eh, I've got a gun for you, 99.
[pulls open elbow-patch, takes out mini-gun]
Maxwell Smart: Max this looks like a tootsie role with a trigger. What do you say when you use this, 'Put your finger up?'
Maxwell Smart: Well, it might not look like much, 99, but when you attach this noiser to it...
Agent 99: Noiser?
Maxwell Smart: ...a bang becomes a boom.

Maxwell Smart: Go to sleep, 99.
Agent 99: I can't.
Maxwell Smart: Why not?
Agent 99: You're sitting on me.

Agent 99: Max, was that man from KAOS?
Maxwell Smart: How did you know, 99?
Agent 99: Remember Gruvnik?
Maxwell Smart: Of course, Gruvnik the Spoiler!
Agent 99: Right. In 1969 he was traded by KAOS to THRUSH for a rookie killer and two minor-league muggers. That man was Beademeyer, one of the muggers.
Maxwell Smart: Of course, I should've remembered his clammy hands.

Maxwell Smart: It's the old, old Trojan horse trick.
Cmdr. Drury: That could work... 99, are you sure this isn't your idea?
Agent 99: No, it was Max's.

Agent 99: Max, I can't believe me, I'm all butterflies. Do you realize how long it's been since we've done something this exciting together?
Maxwell Smart: What was wrong with Tuesday night?

Agent 99: Oh Max, I divulged too much. I didn't need to list all of your idiosyncrasies.
Maxwell Smart: My idiosyncrasies?
Agent 99: Pages 127 to 145.
Maxwell Smart: Why couldn't you just write a diet book like everybody else?

Agent 99: Oh Max, how horrible.
Maxwell Smart: Well he deserved it 99, he was nothing but a Kaos killer.
Agent 99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better Max.
Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 99? We have to kill and maim and destroy, we stand for everything that's good and fine and decent in the world.


"Get Smart: The Greatest Spy on Earth (#2.10)" (1966)
Agent 99: Max, that knife missed you by inches.
Maxwell Smart: You think it's some kind of a warning?

# 99: Poor 51, what a way to go. With a knife in his back in a ridiculous gorilla suit.
Maxwell Smart: Well, that's showbusiness.

# 99: Max, look.
[gasps]
# 99: He's been shot in the back at close range.
Maxwell Smart: Hm. Committed suicide.
# 99: That's impossible Max.
Maxwell Smart: Hm. You're right, there's no gun.

# 99: Ehm, do you happen to know anything about diamonds, Hondo?
Hondo: Hondo can crush diamonds with teeth.
Maxwell Smart: What kind of a trick is that?
Hondo: Expensive.

# 99: What else can Hondo do?
Hondo: Hondo's greatest trick is keeping twin engine plane from taking off.
# 99: How do you do that?
Hondo: I break pilot's legs.

Maxwell Smart: Listen, 99. In case I don't get out of this alive and you do...
# 99: [upset] Max, you will get out of this alive!
Maxwell Smart: Well just in case I don't, 99, I'd like you to do me a favor. I don't want a big funeral. I... I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and... try to bring me back to life.


"Get Smart: Schwartz's Island (#4.13)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: This is the strangest island that I've even been on. There's absolutely nothing to eat. I've been up in those trees for hours. There's no coconuts, no bananas.
99: What about fish?
Maxwell Smart: There's no fish up there either.

Maxwell Smart: 99, these footprints were made by a man six feet two and a half inches tall, two hundred and twenty four and a quarter pounds, blond hair, blue eyes, a scar on his left cheek and walked with a decided limp.
99: Now Max, that's very hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe it if I took out the limp?

Maxwell Smart: What is it, Max?
99: Well, either it's the biggest magnet in the world or it's the biggest horsshoe in the world. And if it's the biggest horseshoe, I'd hate to see the horse.

99: Max, it's Siegfried and Shtarker!
Siegfried: Well it isn't Robinson Crusoe and Friday, cookie.

99: [stuck in synthetic sand] Oh, we're never gonna get out of here alive, Max.
Maxwell Smart: I know it, 99, I just wish Bannister were here.
99: Who's Bannister?
Chief: Control's top agent.
99: Why do you wish he were was here, Max?
Maxwell Smart: I don't like him.

99: How can you move around an island this size?
Siegfried: I don't suppose you've seen the back of this island, have you?
Maxwell Smart: No, why?
Siegfried: We have the biggest outboard motor you ever saw!
Starker: The biggest!
[imitates motor sound]
Siegfried: Starker! This is KAOS! We don't
[imitates sound]
Siegfried: here!


"Get Smart: Snoopy Smart vs. the Red Baron (#4.2)" (1968)
Chief: KAOS has destroyed almost 90% of America's potato crop.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I didn't know that, Chief.
Chief: It's been our government most closely guarded secret.
99: Well I can see why, Americans love potatoes.
Maxwell Smart: That's right, Chief. Potatoes are as American as pizzas or tacos.

99: Mother, you just call Max 'Max' and Max, you call mother 'mother'.
[they all sit down on a couch]
Maxwell Smart: Right, 99.
99's Mother: 99?
99: Oh, eh, Max and I have pet names for each other, heh, sometimes he calls me '99' and sometimes I call him '86'.
99's Mother: Isn't that cute. You can call me '38' if it isn't taken.
Maxwell Smart: No, no. No it isn't.

99: Max, it's Mr. Smith...
Maxwell Smart: It's the Red Baron.
Maxwell Smart, 99: [the man in question takes off his flying goggles] It's Siegfried!
Siegfried: You bet your sweet shoephone it's Siegfried. We meet again...

Maxwell Smart: How did you know we were here, Chief?
Chief: I stopped by the house and 99's mother told me you were here.
99: You came just in the nick of time, Chief.
Chief: I would have been here sooner but she made me stop and eat first.

99's Mother: [about Max] Eh, is he really in the greeting card business?
99: Why yes of course, why do you ask?
99's Mother: Oh, I don't know. Your father always used to always say he was in the greeting card business.
99: And wasn't he?
99's Mother: Didn't you know? Your father was a spy.


"Get Smart: The Impossible Mission (#4.1)" (1968)
Agent 99: You're not taking me on this assignment, are you, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Eh... no, I'm not.
Agent 99: You can't leave me out of this one, Max! This is the most important case that's ever been given to Control, this could mean the end of the world.
Maxwell Smart: That's exactly why I'm not letting you go on this mission. If it's going to mean the end of the world, I want to make sure that you're all right.

Maxwell Smart: This is top security. I'll use my garter phone.
[starts rolling up pant leg]
# 99: Why are you wearing two garters?
Maxwell Smart: How do you like that? They tapped my garter phone.

Maxwell Smart: [dressed as a Mexican musician] You know something, 99, I like you with a moustache.
# 99: [wearing a Charlie Chaplin outfit] Thanks.
Maxwell Smart: Don't shave it off.

Maxwell Smart: [Max and 99, both dressed as Charlie Chaplin are trapped in a room with KAOS agents trying to break in at either side] 99, there's something I have to tell you.
# 99: What is it, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, we've known each other for a long time and well, we've been through a lot of things together.
# 99: Go on, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Well, It's just that I... well I have to tell ya how I really feel about you. I wanted to... tell ya for a long, long time but I just... well I've never been able to find the right words. You see 99, it's not easy to say... well, it's not easy to say...
# 99: To say I love you, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Yes.
# 99: Well why don't you let me say it for you: I love you, Max.
Maxwell Smart: No, no, 99, that's not want I want to say, I wanted to say I love you 99.
# 99: I know. I'm saying I love you too, Max.
Maxwell Smart: You do?
# 99: I always have.
[they kiss passionately]

Maxwell Smart: You know, 99? If we could get out of this trap I'd marry you.
# 99: [cheering up] You would?
Maxwell Smart: Of course I would.
# 99: Now that you mention it, Max, there is a way out.
Maxwell Smart: [suddenly skeptical] There is?
# 99: What about the old double door deception trick? It just might work.
Maxwell Smart: Of course. The old double door deception trick, it just might work!


"Get Smart: Appointment in Sahara (#2.26)" (1967)
Chief: Well, I'm sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night, but we're facing a terrible crisis, the possible destruction of the entire world.
Maxwell Smart: Well couldn't it have waited until morning?
# 99: What happened Chief?
Chief: KAOS has a nuclear bomb.
Maxwell Smart: Doesn't everybody?

Carlson: Here something you could eat in case of an emergency.
Maxwell Smart: Our uniforms?
Carlson: No, the buttons.
# 99: [tasting a bit of button] Hmm! Salted. Good!
Carlson: Yes, well, in extreme heat salt is essential to the diet. But be sure you don't eat the top button of the uniform, 86.
Maxwell Smart: Why?
Carlson: It's a geiger-counter. When you come close to where the missiles are buried it will start beeping.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, the old beeping button trick.

Maxwell Smart: [caught in a sand storm] Listen 99, I know this is a long shot, but I gotta ask ya anyway...
# 99: [shouting to be heard over the storm] What is it, Max?
Maxwell Smart: You don't happen to have a can of cold beer on ya, do ya?

# 99: [Max and 99 wake up in a tent] Max, where are we?
Maxwell Smart: [looking up to see two veiled women] Heaven?
# 99: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: Then it must been an Arabian Playboy club.

# 99: [having just witnessed a nuclear explosion] Oh Max, what a terrible weapon of destruction.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. You know, China, Russia and France should outlaw all nuclear weapons. We should insist upon it.
# 99: What if they won't, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Then we may have to blast them. It's the only way to keep peace in the world.


"Get Smart: Island of the Darned (#2.11)" (1966)
Agent 99: Oh, Max, how terrible.
Maxwell Smart: He deserved it, 99. He was a KAOS killer.
Agent 99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.
Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world.

# 99: Hans Hunter, wasn't he a high ranking Nazi?
Chief: He was at various times a Nazi, a communist, a member of the Mafia and is right now one of the top executives of KAOS.
Maxwell Smart: If there's anything I hate, it's a joiner.

Hans Hunter: As you can see, Mr. Smart, my trophy collection includes one of almost every kind of animal... Except one. You. A homo sapien.
Maxwell Smart: Now just a minute, Hunter, I'm as normal as you are.
# 99: What about me, Hunter?
Hans Hunter: I have other plans for you, my dear. I hope that you will stay on here as my permanent... guest.
# 99: I'd rather take my chances in the jungle with Max.
Hans Hunter: Very loyal my dear, and very stupid.
Maxwell Smart: We're Control agents, Hunter. We're trained to be very loyal and very stupid.

Maxwell Smart: We're gonna build a pit. Then I'm gonna sharpen some stakes and put them in the bottom of the pit. Then we'll cover the pit over. Nobody'll know it's there. Then finally someone will jump into the pit and be impaled on the stakes.
# 99: I've heard of that, Max. It's called a Malayan man-trap.
Maxwell Smart: It is?
# 99: Uh huh. Do you think it will work?
Maxwell Smart: Well it all depends, 99.
# 99: On what?
Maxwell Smart: On whether or not Hunter is a Malayan man.

# 99: [hunting dogs are hot on Max and 99's trail] Max, listen! Do you know what that sound is?
Maxwell Smart: I'm not sure, but it will never make the top ten.


"Get Smart: The Wax Max (#3.20)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: Where are we, Max?
99: In a dark room.
Maxwell Smart: But where?
99: Obviously in a dark building.
Maxwell Smart: I hear water, Max!
99: Make that a wet dark building.

99: Oh Max, you were right. I should have had you get the lace pillow that said 'mother'.

99: Max! How in the world did you do it?
Maxwell Smart: The old inflatable head in the cloak trick, 99.

Maxwell Smart: This place is swarming with KAOS agents.
Maxwell Smart: I know that, that's why we can't stand out here. We gotta find a place to hide.
Agent 99: Well, what about in there?
[pointing at an attraction with a giant octopus]
Maxwell Smart: Are you kidding? There are gollywoggles in there!


"Get Smart: Viva Smart (#3.2)" (1967)
# 99: Max, since General Pajarito took over this country it's a very dangerous place.
Maxwell Smart: But we don't have anything to worry about, 99, we're not citizens, we're just spies.

# 99: I hope these disguises work, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Don't worry, 99, my own mother wouldn't recognize me. Of course I'm not expecting my mother today.

General Pajarito: [shouting] Leap! Leap! Do your famous leap!
# 99: [posing as the famous dance team Conchita & Conchata] What are they saying Max?
Maxwell Smart: He likes me. He likes me a heep!

Maxwell Smart: [Max has inflated a raft instead of a balloon] Well, the way I look at it 99, there's only one thing that will save us.
# 99: What's that, Max?
Maxwell Smart: A river.


"Get Smart: Dr. Yes (#3.9)" (1967)
# 99: Isn't it exciting, Max? Only a minute and a half to blast off!
Maxwell Smart: Relax, 99. If you've seen one fifty million dollar blast off, you've seen them all.

# 99: Max, why do they always repeat the instructions in German?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know 99, I guess it's the language our best American scientist understand.

Maxwell Smart: What do you got there?
# 99: Oh this is Control's latest anti-personnel weapon. It's an electronic mosquito. If we get captured, we release it and it attacks the enemy viciously.
Maxwell Smart: Killing them?
# 99: No, but it keeps them so busy scratching that we can get away.

Dr. Yes: It is said a wise lobster knows the power of its own claws.
Maxwell Smart: Eh, yes. Well it is also said that he who lives by the sword...
[turns to 99]
Maxwell Smart: How does it go, 99?
# 99: Dies by the sword, Max.


"Get Smart: The Secret of Sam Vittorio (#4.4)" (1968)
Agent 99: These are amazing newsreel pictures, Chief!
Chief: They're not newsreel pictures, 99. Connie & Floyd carried their own photographer. These are there personal films.

Chief: In answer to your question, 99, they were never able to make a conviction stick against Sam Vittorio. However they deported him in 1937 as an undesirable alien.
Agent 99: To Italy?
Chief: No, to Pittsburgh.
Maxwell Smart: Pittsburgh?
Chief: Yeah, they really threw the book at him.

Sam Vittorio: Yeah, I guess you kids heard I ain't gonna be around much longer.
[coughs]
Sam Vittorio: That's right, I'm making the big break.
Agent 99: [posing as Connie Barker] Well, we've heard that but you don't look sick.
Sam Vittorio, Agent 99: I don't feel sick neither, but Dr. Foster said I could go for 30 days.
Agent 99: Is that all?
Sam Vittorio: Is that all? Heheh, are you kidding? No judge was ever able to give me 30 days, heheh. Even at that I'm outliving the doc. He got killed.
Agent 99: What happened?
Sam Vittorio: Oh right, after he told me I only had 30 days I shot him

Sam Vittorio: [on his deathbed] You know in my lifetime I must have robbed a 150 banks. Maybe 160... I guess it was closer to 200.
Maxwell Smart: [posing as Floyd Darrow] Eh, yeah, 200 banks, Sam.
Sam Vittorio: 192 to be exact!
Agent 99: [posing as Connie Barker] Where did you hide the money, Sam?
Sam Vittorio: What money? Most of the banks I robbed went bust in the depression.
Maxwell Smart: Well then what's your secret?
Sam Vittorio: [beckons them closer] Crime doesn't pay!


"Get Smart: Aboard the Orient Express (#1.13)" (1965)
Chief: [looking at slide # 4, a deceased Agent 85 aboard the Orient Express] Your conclusion, 86?
Maxwell Smart: Suicide, Chief.
Chief: Suicide?
99: But Max, he was gassed!
Maxwell Smart: Well, I don't know anything about his drinking habbits 99, but there's a suicide note on the floor.
Chief: That's his ticket.

99: [looking at slide # 5, a bond in a bikini] Who is that?
Maxwell Smart: George Robinson, Kaos agent, Hawaiian branch.
99: Fabulous disguise.
Maxwell Smart: I saw through it in only one minute. Would you believe it? One minute.
99: I find that very difficult to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe... two minutes?
99: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about our fourth date?

Maxwell Smart: Krochanska made a try for the briefcase.
99: Then you know who Krochanska is.
Maxwell Smart: I'm almost positive, 99.
99: Who, Max?
Maxwell Smart: It's somebody on this train.
99: Yes, but who?
Maxwell Smart: The countess. Would you believe it? That lovely countess.
99: I find that very hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: The porter?
99: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: The conductor.
99: No.
Maxwell Smart: The engineer.
99: Uh-uh.
Maxwell Smart: How about the dog?
99: Max!
Maxwell Smart: Well, it's gotta be one of them, 99. There's nobody else left.

Chief: Now this briefcase must be gotten to B12 somewhere in the Balkans.
Maxwell Smart: Why it's beautiful, Chief, and it's real leather too. Do you think he'll like it.
99: Max, it contains a half million dollars.
Maxwell Smart: He'll love it.


"Get Smart: A Man Called Smart: Part 3 (#2.30)" (1967)
# 99: Oh Max, the Chief's got to be all right he's just got to. If anything happens to him...
Maxwell Smart: 99...
# 99: Max, please tell me he'll be all right.
Maxwell Smart: 99...
# 99: Tell me he'll be all right, Max, tell me Max, tell me!
Maxwell Smart: He'll be all right.
# 99: You're just saying that.

Maxwell Smart: You know, when I first came to Control, the Chief had a full head of hair.
# 99: Really? When I came here he was bald.
Maxwell Smart: That's right, you joined two weeks after I did.

# 99: I mean if anything should happen to you I...
Maxwell Smart: Don't worry 99, nothing's going to happen to me.
# 99: You know what I mean, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Yes I do... Ernestine.
# 99: That's the first time you've ever called me Ernestine.
Maxwell Smart: I know.
# 99: I wish it were my name.

Maxwell Smart: It's Orlando. He's dead.
# 99: Oh Max, how terrible.
Maxwell Smart: I know. That practically eliminates him as a suspect.


"Get Smart: Rub-A-Dub-Dub... Three Spies in a Sub (#2.9)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: How many packets of explosives do we have left?
# 99: Eh... two.
Maxwell Smart: Good. I'll use one of them to blow open the envelope.

Maxwell Smart: I like that plan, Chief. It's inventive, imaginative and brilliantly thought out.
# 99: Max, it sounds like a suicide mission to me.
Maxwell Smart: Well of course it's a suicide mission, 99, so what? Our next mission will be easier.

Maxwell Smart: You got another match, 99?
# 99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: I lit my shoe lace.

# 99: [Siegfried is planning to fire 86 and 99 from the sub's torpedo tubes] May I have one last request?
Siegfried: Last request?
# 99: It's just that Maxwell Smart and I have been very dear friends for a long time and I'd like to... shake his hand goodbye.
Siegfried: What kind of a last request is this?


"Get Smart: Satan Place (#1.9)" (1965)
99: [Max has examined a few strands of hair, odd shaped piece of metal, a button and a piece of paper] What's your conclusion, Max?
Maxwell Smart: The Chief has been kidnapped.
Professor Windish: May I ask which one of these items led you to that conclusion?
Maxwell Smart: This innocent looking piece of paper.
99: Why Max, what is it?
Maxwell Smart: A ransom note.

99: [Max and 99 are counting the donations for the Help our Chief Fund] Wow, here's one for 500 dollars!
Maxwell Smart: 500 dollars! Now, that's great. Now we're getting some place. Who's that from?
99: The boys in counterfeiting.

99: Max, what's your plan?
Maxwell Smart: I'm going into that park.
Hodgkins: Alone?
Maxwell Smart: Alone.
99: But Max, you'll be in terrible danger.
Maxwell Smart: I know. Those parks are murder at night.

99: Max, why don't you try to contact headquarters.
Maxwell Smart: Hmm. That's a good idea, 99. I'll call them on my shoe and you breathe heavily on the Chief.


"Get Smart: Casablanca (#2.6)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: What am I going to get in your dressing room that I can't get here?
Agent 99: Me.

Chief: Oh and one more thing, 99. The man you're dealing with is a deadly assasin. Don't let the fact that he looks like Max slow your reflexes. If he makes one questionable move...
# 99: I'll know it's not Max.

# 99: What are you looking for?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I could say the Maltese Falcon, but you'd never believe me.

# 99: Max, you're alright!
Maxwell Smart: Yes. He fell for the old false neck trick.


"Get Smart: Our Man in Toyland (#1.4)" (1965)
Agent 99: Oh, it looks like we're in big trouble, Max.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: [armed only with a water pistol] I know, I'm out of water.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Well, if I don't make it, 99, I want you to do something for me.
Agent 99: What is it, Max?
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: The Chief owes me a nickel. I'd like you to have it.

Agent 99: Max... you were wonderful!
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: No 99, the real credit belongs to these toys. After all, we had at our disposal every fiendish and destructive plaything ever devised for the pleasure of little children. Those poor devils, all they had were real guns and bullets.


"Get Smart: The Mysterious Dr. T (#3.13)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that sold me the poison coffee?
Agent 99: Yes, Max. It was a Kaos front. They stayed in business almost a year just to get the Professor. Then they packed up and disappeared. Terrible, isn't it?
Maxwell Smart: It certainly is. They had the best prune danish in town.

[Max suddenly shoots a window washer]
Agent 99: Max, what did you do?
Maxwell Smart: Just eliminated a Kaos agent.
Agent 99: Well, how could you be sure?
Maxwell Smart: Because, 99, my eagle eye picked out a few things that the ordinary person might not see. First of all, his sponge was absolutely filthy. Second, he was using horizontal strokes instead of vertical strokes. And finally, he was holding his squeegee with an overlapping lacrosse grip.
Agent 99: Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain.
Maxwell Smart: I wasn't finished, 99.
Agent 99: Sorry, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain.
Agent 99: Good thinking, Max.

Siegfried: Nobody leaves! Not until we have made contact with your friend Dr. T.
Maxwell Smart: Dr. T? What are you talking about, Siegfried? I never heard of a Dr. T.
# 99: Neither have I. What does he specialize in?
Siegfried: Fortune cookie messages and the Omega Deltroid Solatron Mark II.
Maxwell Smart: How do you like that? Two wild lucky guesses.


"Get Smart: Where-What-How-Who Am I? (#2.23)" (1967)
Chief: Doctor, what's wrong?
Dr. Mangle: Well, he's had a slight concussion. His memory has become affected.
Chief: Max, it's me, the Chief.
Maxwell Smart: The Chief? Well you don't look like an Indian to me.
# 99: Max!
[grabs his shoulder]
Maxwell Smart: Please madam, who are you?
# 99: I'm 99!
# 99: Well, you look pretty good for your age.

Maxwell Smart: I don't know what's the matter with me. I used to have such a brilliant mind, quick and incisive. Now I can barely remember my own name.
# 99: Think, Max think!
Maxwell Smart: Max! That's it, that's my name.

# 99: Of course! The old bomb in the snacktruck trick, that's it!


"Get Smart: Hoo Done It (#2.8)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: Max, this hotel gives me the creeps. Exploding birthday cakes, volcanoes. Why would anybody wanna come here?
# 99: Well for one thing 99, you can't beat the rates.

Maxwell Smart: Hi Hoo, how are ya?
Harry Hoo: Eh, not too happy, Mr. Smart.
# 99: What's wrong?
Harry Hoo: Well to be too happy is to invite trouble from Hawaiian god Kina-Hora.

# 99: [Max and 99 are preparing a raft] Max, there's a storm brewing. It's gonna be very dangerous to try to row to the mainland.
Maxwell Smart: I suppose so, but someones gotta get to the mainland and tell 'em that whe're stranded out here with a crazy maniacal KAOS killer.
# 99: I guess you're right. Goodbye, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Goodbye 99, and good luck.
[hands her the ore]


"Get Smart: The Worst Best Man (#4.6)" (1968)
# 99: Why don't we use the X-22 computer, Chief?
Chief: I've thought of that, 99, but somebody fed a deck of cards into it and now all it'll do is play poker with the CIA computer.
# 99: Well can't you reprogram it?
Chief: No, we can't do that, it's 32 dollars behind.

Chief: Now why would KAOS want to deal with every man you ask to be your best man?
# 99: Why don't you ask Hymie, Max?
Maxwell Smart: That's a good idea, 99, Hymie...
Hymie: I accept, Max.
Maxwell Smart: No, Hymie, I wasn't going to ask you to be my best man, I was gonna ask you why KAOS is after every man that I ask to be my best man?

# 99: [about to dismantle a bomb hidden in Hymie] Chief, this'll only take two of us, there's no need in risking another life, especially when that life is responsible for the entire Control organization, isn't that right, Max?
Maxwell Smart: It certainly is, 99, but I think I should stay around anyway and help.


"Get Smart: How to Succeed in the Spy Business Without Really Trying (#2.25)" (1967)
# 99: It's Siegfried!
Maxwell Smart: Yes. My old friend and bitter enemy.

# 99: If Siegfried is on the level, Chief, think of all the valuable information we can get from him.
Chief: Yes, you may be right. Max, where does he want to meet?
Maxwell Smart: In the same warehouse.
Chief: Well all right, but if it's a trap and we get killed, you're fired!
Chief: [pause] Max, you know I'm frightened...
Maxwell Smart: Why Chief?
Chief: I'm beginning to sound like you.

# 99: You're sure to win the Chief of the year award this time, Chief.


"Get Smart: Diamonds Are a Spy's Best Friend (#4.5)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: You keep soap in your pocketbock?
Agent 99: Well, it looks like soap and it feels like soap but actually it's a camouflage for a secret carrying case.
Maxwell Smart: Well what do you keep in the carrying case?
Agent 99: Soap.

Maxwell Smart: It's Spiegel's jewelry store, right around the corner of Spiegel's drugstore, next to Spiegel's delicatessen, where Spiegel's cleaners used to be.
Agent 99: And where is that?
Maxwell Smart: Fourth and Spiegel.

Agent 99: How are you,8 ½?
Agent 8 ½: [hiding in a bowling ball return] How am I? Terrible! I keep forgetting to duck every time the ball is returning. I've got a bump on the back of my head the size of a bowling ball. Wait a minute, that is a bowling ball
[ducks, letting the bowling ball slide over him]


"Get Smart: With Love and Twitches (#4.9)" (1968)
99: [worried] He's not gonna show up, he doesn't want to marry me.
Chief: Don't say that, 99, he'll be here, he must have stopped of for something on the way.
99's Mother: Of course darling, he probably stopped of at a bar for a drink.
99: At 10.30 in the morning?
99's Mother: Bums drink at any hour.

99: The guests are starting to ask questions.
Agent 99: Have they all arrived?
99: Everyone except the bum.
Agent 99: Well Chief, I guess you'd better go downstairs and tell them that the wedding is off.
Chief: Let's give the bum another few minutes... I mean Max.

Maxwell Smart: [on their wedding night] You know, 99, you have the prettiest shoulders I...
99: Oh, well you've seen them before, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. But never without a holster.


"Get Smart: Maxwell Smart, Private Eye (#3.5)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: Where's the Cone of Silence?
Agent 99: Max, we've leased it to the CIA.
Maxwell Smart: But that's ridiculous!
Chief: It's just for a short time. I'm sure Congress will reconsider our budget cut.
Agent 99: Well, why doesn't Congress cut the CIA's budget?
Maxwell Smart: How can they? Nobody knows what their budget is.

Mrs. Weatherly: Are you Mr. Smart, the private eye?
Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: [impersonating Bogey] You said what?
Mrs. Weatherly: I'd like to talk to you Mr. Smart.
Mrs. Weatherly: All right, start talking.
Mrs. Weatherly: Alone.
Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: [to 99] Get out.
Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: [99 gives him a surprised look] ...Sweetheart.
99: [99 throws down a pencil and starts to leave] I'll be in the outer office. If you need me... just whistle.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: [opens car trunk] We're here, Miss Markoff.
Trinka: [hiding in the trunk of Max' car] What took so long?
99: Max had to make sure you were safe.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Yes, that's why I drove around town for three hours. No one could have possibly followed us here.


"Get Smart: I Shot 86 Today (#4.18)" (1969)
Agent 99: Do you think that's our contact over there?
Maxwell Smart: We'll know in a minute, 99, I'll give 'em the password.
Maxwell Smart: [walks up to golfer] Hi there!
Fargo: Hello.
Maxwell Smart: He's our man. I'm 86, she's 99.
Fargo: Say, you two have some handicaps!
Maxwell Smart: No, we're the Control agents that you asked to see. Aren't you Fred Fargo?
Fargo: No, I'm Frank Fargo.
Maxwell Smart: Frank Fargo? But we were supposed to meet Fred Fargo.
Fargo: Fred Fargo is my sister in law Frieda's father. Furthermore, he flew to Frankfurt, Friday.

Maxwell Smart: 99, how can you worry about a ring at a time like this? We've got less than two hours before that missile center is gonna blow up. And not only do we not know how it's going to be done, we don't even know who is gonna do it.
Agent 99: We know when.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, knowing when isn't gonna tell us who or how. I'd gladly trade my when for a who and a how.
Agent 99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Eh... Why. Yeah, a good question, 99. Well, you see, if we know who, then we can watch how who did it, and then that will give us our who, our how, and our when.
Agent 99: That makes sense.
Maxwell Smart: I know it, 99, that's what worries me.

Agent 99: [during golf cart chase] Faster, Max, faster!
Maxwell Smart: I can't go any faster, 99, I got it up to 8 miles an hour now!


"Get Smart: Widow Often Annie (#5.4)" (1969)
Agent 99: Don't you touch me!
Maxwell Smart: What's the matter?
Agent 99: You know perfectly well what's the matter. You don't love me any more because I'm fat and unattractive.
Maxwell Smart: That is ridiculous, 99, just because you're fat and unattractive doesn't mean that I stopped loving you.
Agent 99: Oh, why don't you just come right out and say it, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Huh?
Agent 99: Fat, fat the water rat!
Maxwell Smart: Fat, fat the water rat?
Agent 99: You take that back!

Chief: The moment she tries to kill him, we'll have her for attempted murder.
Agent 99: But what if she kills him before you get there to stop her?
Chief: Then we'll have her for murder.
Maxwell Smart: That's even better, 99, it's tough to beat a murder rap!

Maxwell Smart: 99, what are you doing here?
Agent 99: Max, I wanted to make sure you were alright.
Maxwell Smart: I'm fine, 99, Now you'd better get out of here before my wife sees you.
Agent 99: Max! I'm you're wife!
Maxwell Smart: Yes, I know that, 99 I mean my other wife.


"Get Smart: 99 Loses Control (#3.19)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [Max has two theater tickets] Oh, well you see 99, I was kinda hoping that maybe you might join me.
99: Oh Max, why couldn't you have asked me something like that months ago?
Maxwell Smart: Well I just got the tickets five minutes ago and I coudn't think of anybody else that would go Dutch.

Maxwell Smart: So. It's Miss Hilton. Susan Hilton. I worked with you for five years and you never told me your name.
99: You never asked me.
Maxwell Smart: Susan Hilton. I don't like it. I like 99 a lot better.

99: Oh Max, you saved me from making a terrible mistake. You're wonderful.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, that's all right, Susan.
99: It's 99, Max. Susan isn't my real name.


"Get Smart: Valerie of the Dolls (#5.3)" (1969)
Chief: California is expecting an earthquake. Now this is the perfect alibi for KAOS: they blow California into the ocean and everybody will blame it on the earthquake.
Agent 99: But Chief, if that were to happen...
Chief: That's right, 99, it would be a disaster.
Maxwell Smart: And some disaster! Just think, Ronald Reagan would have to go back to making movies again!

Agent 99: [walking towards door] Who is it?
Maxwell Smart: [off screen, behind door] It's me, honey.
Agent 99: What's the password?
Maxwell Smart: I lost my wallet.
Agent 99: That's not the password.
Maxwell Smart: I know, but I had the password written on a piece of paper in my wallet.
Agent 99: That's Max!
[opens door]

Maxwell Smart: [after the doorbell rings] Be quiet.
[draws his gun]
Agent 99: Do you think it might be KAOS?
Maxwell Smart: Either that or your mother.


"Get Smart: The Spirit Is Willing (#3.4)" (1967)
Agent 99: [as they meet an overweight psychic] Mrs. Ferris said she's a medium.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Looks more like a large to me.

Mrs Ferris: Ann and I were great believers in the hereafter.
# 99: But why would she contact Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well maybe she didn't have her mother's number with her.

Maxwell Smart: There's enough evidence here to destroy KAOS' whole operation on the Western hemisphere and send Mondebello to the electric chair.
Mondebello: [jumps from hiding place pointing a pistol] I wouldn't be so sure.
Mrs Ferris: Mondebello!
# 99: Mondebello!
Maxwell Smart: Who are you?
Mondebello: Mondebello.


"Get Smart: Absorb the Greek (#4.19)" (1969)
Agent 99: We hate to tell you this, Chief, but we've been tailing you for the last week.
Chief: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Well, Chief, we didn't wanna do it, but that's the assignment they gave us.
Chief: Who gave you that assignment?
Maxwell Smart: The guy who's over you.
[pointing downwards]
Chief: Well if he's over me, why are you pointing down?
Maxwell Smart: Because his office is downstairs.

Maxwell Smart: Chief! What happened, are you alright?
Agent 99: Where's my mother?
Chief: I was hit by a blackjack.
Maxwell Smart: Your mother hit him over the head with a blackjack?
Agent 99: Max! My mother wouldn't do a thing like that!
Chief: Her mother wouldn't do a thing like that! You sure it wasn't a gunbutt?

99's Mother: [99 is untying her mother from a rack] Why are those men fighting with Max?
Agent 99: Oh, eh, they're from a rival greeting card company.
99's Mother: I had no idea the competition was so fierce in the greeting card company.


"Get Smart: Pussycats Galore (#2.27)" (1967)
# 99: [about the Pussycat club] Why would brilliant, intelligent men wanna go to a place like that?
Maxwell Smart: Well, there are several reasons, 99. Men like that need a place to unwind. A change of atmosphere, a change of scene.
# 99: But Max, there's nothing to do there except look at a lot of girls walking around half undressed.
Maxwell Smart: Say, that's the best reason yet.

Chief: Don't forget, this is a most hazardous assignment. The second you set foot in Germany, you'll be living in constant, extreme danger.
Maxwell Smart: Und damit Gefreut.
Chief: What's he saying now, 99?
# 99: 'And loving it'.

# 99: But Max, all the Pussycats look alike in those outfits. How are we gonna know which one is Charlie Watkins?
Maxwell Smart: It's really quite simple 99, all we have to do is look over all the Pussycats and the one with the most voluptuous figure, he's our man.


"Get Smart: The Groovy Guru (#3.15)" (1968)
# 99: Max, the lie pill. You took a lie pill!
Maxwell Smart: I did not.
# 99: All right, would you like to kiss me right now?
Maxwell Smart: Yes I would.
[puckers his lips]
# 99: [now completely convinced] You took a lie pill.
[kisses him anyway]

Maxwell Smart: You're wasting your time, Guru. I've trained my mind to go completely blank any time I want it to.
# 99: [dancing to the Sacred Cow's hypnotic groove] That's right, he can do that!

Maxwell Smart: Don't tell me you pulled the plug?
# 99: I pulled the plug, Max.
# 99: [before Max can say his catchphrase] You asked me not to tell you that, didn't you?


"Get Smart: Perils in a Pet Shop (#2.13)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: 99, I'm hit! I'm bleeding!
# 99: It's only red wine, Max.
Maxwell Smart: I'm bleeding red wine?

# 99: Wait! Before you shoot us. I'd like to ask for something.
Kosovich: What is it?
# 99: A goodbye kiss.
Maxwell Smart: 99, you hardly know him!


"Get Smart: School Days (#1.3)" (1965)
Agent 99: And best of all, Max, the security of our espionage school hasn't been violated.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: That's right, 99, there's nothing more important than security, nothing. Why without security, none of us would be safe.
Man: Excuse me, is this Mrs. Green's house?
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: No, that's the spy school, Mrs. Green's house is over there.

Agent 99: You'll be in extreme danger every minute.
Maxwell Smart: ...and... loving it


"Get Smart: What's It All About, Algie? (#5.23)" (1970)
Algernon DeGrasse: [aiming a gun at Max & 99] That's a very interesting picture of you in the Control file, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell Smart: Thank you.
Algernon DeGrasse: But why were you sitting on a pony?
Agent 99: It was taken on his birthday.

Agent 99: [being shot at] Max, what's that?
Maxwell Smart: He's hitting the fertilizer bags above us.
Agent 99: What are you doing?
Maxwell Smart: I'm going to turn this fan on.
Agent 99: What good's that going to do, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, when the fertilizer hits the fan, it's going to blow all over the place and give us a chance to get away.
Agent 99: Good thinking, Max!


"Get Smart: Witness for the Persecution (#3.3)" (1967)
# 99: Now listen carefully. We've got to keep you out of sight for two weeks until after the Tudbury trial. Now we'll pretend to keep you here in Control headquarters. Actually we'll take you on a helicopter to hideout B, which is the penthouse suite in the Warfield hotel. Then we'll take you down an express elevator to hideout C which is the basement suite in the Warfield hotel. Then we'll take you out the back way up the fire escape to hideout D which is a shack on top of the Warfield hotel. Have you got that?
Maxwell Smart: Not all of it, 99.
# 99: What part didn't you get?
Maxwell Smart: The part after 'listen carefully'.
# 99: Don't worry, Max, I'll take you there myself. Believe me, KAOS will never, never know where you are.
Maxwell Smart: I wouldn't be too sure of that, 99.
# 99: Well how could they possibly know?
Maxwell Smart: I forgot to hang up the telephone. They're still on the other end.

Maxwell Smart: But 99, you can't stay here all night.
# 99: Oh Max, we're in this together. I wanna feel that you're safe.
Maxwell Smart: But you're a girl. What if my mother walked in? She just got used to seeing me in long pants.


"Get Smart: Goodbye Ms. Chip (#1.3)" (1995)
99: Where did you seat Bishop Tutu?
Chief Maxwell Smart: Eh, Tutu is at 3.3.
99: You can't put Tutu at 3.3.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Why not?
99: For one, Tutu is at sixes and sevens with King Lazlo the 8th.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Ok, 99, I'll eighty-six Tutu from 3.3 and put him in 4.4.
99: That's ten times better.

Chief Maxwell Smart: [Trudy runs in, notepad in hand] Oh, Trudy, I want you to make sure that the bomb-sniffing dogs have swept the embassy before the reception tonight.
99: Then clear the kitchen entrance for the arrival of President Mazabuka's limousine.
Chief Maxwell Smart: And make sure that the catering people are checked for security.
99: And have a helicopter standing by ready for any emergency that might arise.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Have you got that, Trudy?
Trudy: Of course I do. Make sure President Mazabuka has swept the kitchen, have the catering people sniff the dogs in the embassy and drive the limousine into the helicopter. Oh, and something about a bomb.
Chief Maxwell Smart: [holds up his hands] Missed it by...
[widens gap between hands]
Chief Maxwell Smart: ... that much.


"Get Smart: To Sire, with Love: Part 2 (#4.21)" (1969)
King of Caronia: What is that terrible smell?
99: Eh, horseradish.
King of Caronia: Horseradish? Smells more like a tarantula.

99: Max, it's almost noon, aren't you going down to the headquarters?
Maxwell Smart: Well I thought I'd go down a little late today.
99: Oh, how late?
Maxwell Smart: Like tomorrow morning.


"Get Smart: A Tale of Two Tails (#4.7)" (1968)
Chief: [on phone] If you like you can take one of those new comb phones with you.
# 99: [on one of those new comb phones] Oh, that would be terrific, it's a marvelous device. Which one of our agents developed it?
Chief: Well as a matter of fact, 99, it was my idea.
# 99: Whatever gave you the idea of turning a comb into a phone?
Chief: Well, 99, what else am I gonna do with a comb?

Maxwell Smart: Yes, 99, but there's an old Chinese proverb that goes: life is like a pair of chopsticks. If you grab them... eh, you, eh... No, that's not it. Let me see... Ehm... Life is like a shirt. If you lose your buttons, you... No, that isnt it either. Let's see... I've got it! Life is a kumquat.
# 99: That's it?
Maxwell Smart: Life isn't a kumquat?


"Get Smart: Our Man in Leotards (#1.10)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart: Now listen carefully, do exactly what I tell you, 99. Get up very slowly and look over the drum. Do you see a dark haired man in a white suit?
99: [whispering] Yes I do!
Maxwell Smart: Don't be scared, 99. I think it's me.

99: Max, what did you find out?
Maxwell Smart: I found out something very important, 99.
99: What is it, Max?
Maxwell Smart: A human being can't live in a base drum.


"Get Smart: Supersonic Boom (#3.6)" (1967)
# 99: [Max and 99 are tied up] What are you doing, Max?
Maxwell Smart: I'm trying to get my foot loose. I figure if I can get my shoe-phone up high enough, you might be able to dial it with your nose.

Maxwell Smart: I must be getting old, 99.
# 99: Why do you say that?
Maxwell Smart: To fall for the old hideout under the car-wash trick.


"Get Smart: Age Before Duty (#5.11)" (1969)
99: [on phone at home] Listen, by the way, thank you so much for the baby gift.
Larabee: [on phone in office] Oh, did the store send it out already?
99: Yes, and it's absolutely adorable. I'm looking forward to meeting your wife so I can thank her in person.
Larabee: You could have done that when you got the gift. That was my wife who delivered it.
99: Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I hope she won't be offended that I tipped her.
Larabee: Well how much did you give her?
99: A dollar.
Larabee: She wasn't offended.

99: Max, don't you realize what's happening, they're doing it to you too. You're turning old right before my eyes!
Maxwell Smart: Now let's not panic, 99, just because I came home a little tired and my hair is turning a little gray, doesn't mean that I'm turning old.


"Get Smart: Temporarily Out of CONTROL (#4.12)" (1968)
99: [Max has booked a trip to the Caribbean on a banana boat] A banana boat, is that safe?
Maxwell Smart: Well, this boat has an excellent safety record, 99. In 40 years it's only had one mishap. That's when it collided with a freighter carrying cornflakes.
99: But that's terrible!
Maxwell Smart: Not really, fortunately a sugar boat came along.

99: Oh, Max, I'll miss you so much, I'll write to you every day.
Maxwell Smart: I'll write to you twice a day, 99.
99: That'll be an awful lot of letters, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, we can save them and read them on our honeymoon. It will give us something to do.


"Get Smart: Ice Station Siegfried (#5.13)" (1969)
Agent 99: Are we alone on this assignment?
General Christian: Oh no, 99, every nation in the world is joining forces in order to do what must be done to stop this madman. Russia is standing by with nuclear submarines.
Colonel Quinton: Great Britain has offered us air cover.
Admiral Crichton: South America has offered the knowledge of it's top German scientists.
Colonel Quinton: And Israel is making sandwiches for the trip.

Agent 99: What are our instructions?
Agent 44: [stationed inside a burning stove] You're to go to the bar, and order a beer. Then bring it back here, and I'll give you further instructions.


"Get Smart: A Spy for a Spy (#2.3)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: [reads message from the secret compartment in the Chiefs desk] In case anything happens to me, contact my superior: Zebra 642. We're gonna have to look this up in the Chief's special codebooks
# 99: [pushes button to reveal the codebooks behind fake books on bookshelf] Zebra, that's the blue book.
Maxwell Smart: [Carlton reaches for the blue book] The blue book is the one with the green cover.
Carlson: Since when does a blue book have a green cover?
# 99: Max worked it out with the coding section. In case of a KAOS infiltrator every book has a cover identity.
Maxwell Smart: You see we have a cover for a cover.
Carlson: [reading from the book] It says: see green book.
Maxwell Smart: The green book is the one with the blue cover.
# 99: Max couldn't throw away a perfectly good book cover.

Maxwell Smart: Oh, Max, please be careful. Carl Danker has killed 19 Control agents already and avoided capture every time. He's tricky and shows no mercy, Max. You'll be in extreme danger every minute.
# 99: And... loving it.


"Get Smart: And Baby Makes Four: Part 1 (#5.7)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: You mean to tell me that all those names you've been giving me for the last hour are names of babies?
Agent 99: But of course.
Maxwell Smart: But I thought they were names of streets, I made a map out of them.
Agent 99: [laughs] How silly.
Maxwell Smart: Well it may be silly, but it works. According to this map, I can get you to the hospital in less than ten minutes flat!

Maxwell Smart: [there's a knock on the door] I'll get it, 99.
Agent 99: Be sure to get the password, Max.
Maxwell Smart: I will.
[crosses room to get to the door]
Maxwell Smart: Yes?
Chief: [behind door] Knock, knock.
Maxwell Smart: Who's there?
Chief: Me.
Maxwell Smart: Me who?
Chief: Me, the Chief.


"Get Smart: Pilot (#1.1)" (1995)
Chief Maxwell Smart: But 99, I never get to see you anymore. You're always outta town. On my birthday, New Years Eve, on our anniversary, you went to Norway to give an award to some figure skater.
99: I asked you to come along.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Oh, come on, 99, you know there's a price on my head in Norway.
[leans on chair with wheels, falls over and gets up again]
Chief Maxwell Smart: Or was that Pittsburgh? I gotta get that right before I go on vacation.

99: Zach, do you realize what you'd be getting in to? Living everyday under cover, your life in constant danger, suffering painful torture at the hands of vicious, ruthless people...
Zach Smart, Chief Maxwell Smart: And... loving it


"Get Smart: I Am Curiously Yellow (#5.26)" (1970)
Agent 99: [Larabee walks in on Max & 99 kissing passionately] Yes, Larabee?
Larabee: Huh?
Agent 99: What did you want?
Larabee: I forgot.
Agent 99: Goodbye, Larabee.
Larabee: Can I watch while I'm trying to remember?
Agent 99, Maxwell Smart: Get out, Larabee.

Agent 99: Max! To forget that you've robbed a safe is one thing, but to forget that you've kissed your wife... I don't think that's very nice.


"Get Smart: The Mild Ones (#3.11)" (1967)
Prime Minister's Aide: Before they pushed me out one of them said 'fare thee well' and, eh 'get ye lost'.
Maxwell Smart: 'Fare thee well' and 'get ye lost'. Well, that narrows it down, 99.
# 99: To who?
Maxwell Smart: Richard Burton or Laurence Olivier.

# 99: [Max and 99 burst into Dee Dee's diner on a Harley] Max, I thought you were never going to break!
Maxwell Smart: I didn't, I ran outta gas.


"Get Smart: House of Max: Part 1 (#5.15)" (1970)
Maxwell Smart: Well, at least we know one thing, it's pretty obvious.
Agent 99: What's that, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, the man with the scar is definitely a candle maker.
Chief Inspector Sparrow: No, he's a pick-pocket.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. A pick-pocket who's a candlemaker on the side?
Maxwell Smart: [the inspector does not answer] A pick-pocket who doesn't believe in electricity?

Maxwell Smart: There's no doubt about it, 99, Professor Duval is our man.
Agent 99: But how can you be so sure, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, it's really quite simple: instinct, logic and a lack of suspects.


"Get Smart: Weekend Vampire (#1.14)" (1965)
99: What do we do now, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, first of all 99, we've got to look in this coffin.
99: Oh... do we have to?
Maxwell Smart: Well, you see, 99, according to the legend of the vampire, ridiculous though it may seem, Vampires always sleeps in their coffins.
99: Why would they do that, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, if you go around biting people on the neck, I guess you'll do just about everything.

Maxwell Smart: [In the car, they are about to follow Sontag when 99 suggests they go up to Drago's house] Well what are we gonna tell Drago?
99: Tell him that our car broke down.
Maxwell Smart: Oh come on, 99, he'd never fall for that.
[the car won't start]
Maxwell Smart: Come on, let's go up to the house.
99: What do we tell Drago?
Maxwell Smart: That our car broke down.


"Get Smart: Leadside (#4.23)" (1969)
Chief: Leadside is the most diabolically clever criminal we've ever run across. He's never yet made a threat that he hasn't carried out.
Maxwell Smart: That's right, Chief. Like the time he stole the Star of India.
Agent 99: He stole the Star of India?
Maxwell Smart: Well, he kidnapped Sabu.

Agent 99: It's going to take a super human brain to figure this one out, Chief.
Chief: 99, we have a super human brain. All we have to do is put the question to it.
Larabee: Fire away, Chief, ask me any question you want.


"Get Smart: Bronzefinger (#2.12)" (1966)
Agent 99: It's just that sometimes I wish you were just an ordinary businessman.
Maxwell Smart: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman.

# 99: I wonder what Bronzefinger would have done with us, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, he probably would have sold us to some public park. Just think of it, 99, there we would have been, two bronze statues giving pleasure to thousands.
# 99: Thousands of art lovers?
Maxwell Smart: No, thousands of pigeons.


"Get Smart: The Reluctant Redhead (#3.26)" (1968)
Agent 99: [about Mimsi Sage] What does she do?
Chief: We don't have much on her. We know that she writes children's books. She wrote 'The Tiger that couldn't', 'The Elephant that wouldn't' and 'The Pussy that would like to'.

Agent 99: What does she do?
Chief: We don't have much on her. We know that she writes children's books. She wrote "The Tiger that Couldn't," "The Elephant that Wouldn't," and "The Pussy that Would Like To."


"Get Smart: Hello, Columbus - Goodbye, America (#5.24)" (1970)
Maxwell Smart: [looking at Sunflowers by Van Gogh] What would you say that is worth, 99?
Agent 99: Oh, a lot, Max, that's a Van Gogh.
Maxwell Smart: Isn't he the guy that cut off his own ear?
Agent 99: Right. He send it to his girlfriend. He must really have loved her a lot.
Maxwell Smart: Either that or he hated his ear.

Chief: I know this is going to come as a shock, but that painting, and every painting in this museum, belongs to the man they work for.
Agent 99: But Chief, everything in this museum belongs to the United States.
Chief: That's the trouble, 99. The man they work for owns the United States.


"Get Smart: Die, Spy (#3.25)" (1968)
# 99: Oh Max, the funeral of a double agent is a sad thing.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, particularly in this case. Johan was working for both KAOS and Control. Now part of him is up there and part of him is down there.

# 99: [Tamara has been shot] Is she?
Maxwell Smart: Yes 99, there's no Tamara.


"Get Smart: One Nation Invisible (#4.14)" (1968)
# 99: [in telephone booth on assignment] Have you been eating a good breakfast?
Maxwell Smart: [on phone at home] Don't worry, 99, every morning when I get up, I do down to the lunchroom on the corner, have breakfast and then I run right back to the apartment.
# 99: Oh Max, you shouldn't eat there, the food is terrible.
Maxwell Smart: eat there, the food is terrible. Why do you think I run right back to the apartment?
# 99: Max, I don't want you to eat there anymore. If you don't feel like cooking for yourself, why don't you go to the supermarkets and get some TV diners.
Maxwell Smart: I did, 99, but they cancelled all my favorites.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, these are the wrong papers!
# 99: What do you mean, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Why, these are the Gottlieb papers.
Chief: No Max, those are the Ginsburg papers.
Maxwell Smart: But it says right there, Gottlieb.
Chief: Ginsberg changed his name.


"Get Smart: Classification: Dead (#3.12)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: Is one of your customers a girl?
Proprietor: [nods] Sometimes.
# 99: Describe her, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Well, I really didn't pay that much attention to her, 99. Let's see, she was about 5 foot 6, eh, soft blond hair, 38, 23, 36 measurements, deep blue eyes and delicious lips.
# 99: Max! She tried to poison you.
Maxwell Smart: Well it's not all gravy, you know.

Maxwell Smart: [Max has been handed Dr. Steel's bill] 48 dollars? For what?
# 99: For your life, Max!
Maxwell Smart: But she works for Control!
Chief: She developed this on her own time, Max.
Maxwell Smart: But this is ridiculous. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. I'm not paying this bill, 48 dollars, that's out of the question. Forget about it. I wouldn't pay it if my life depended on it.
Chief: It does Max, you have to take another dose of this tomorrow and she had to give it to you if you're to complete your cure.
Maxwell Smart: 99, do you have 48 dollars you could let me have until pay day?


"Get Smart: Shock It to Me (#4.22)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief, I read about that case in the papers. Three guys went into Fort Knox and they got 600 pounds of gold bars, put 'em in a sack, dropped them from a roof, to a guy who was waiting on the ground below.
Chief: That's right, Max.
Maxwell Smart: And then all three guys on the roof were shot down.
Agent 99: How'd the fourth man die, Max?
Maxwell Smart: He caught the sack.

Maxwell Smart: Dr. Zharko, KAOS' mad scientist?
Agent 99: But Chief, that's not possible. He was arrested by the Transylvanian highway patrol over a year ago and executed.
Maxwell Smart: Well that's probably when he decided to experiment with bringing people back to life.
Agent 99: While he was dead?
Maxwell Smart: Well, he probably had a lot of time on his hands.


"Get Smart: Spy, Spy, Birdie (#3.22)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: I think I'd better have a talk with Mr. Siegfried.
Agent 99: Good thinking, Max, but how are you going to find him?
Maxwell Smart: Very simple, 99, I happen to know that Ludwig will be at the Smithsonian Institute at 9 am on Tuesday.
Chief: Max, who cares about Ludwig, what about Siegfried?
Maxwell Smart: Chief, you don't understand. 'Ludwig' is the KAOS codename for Siegfried and '9 am on Tuesday' is actually 11 am on Thursday.
Chief: [glances at watch] Well it's almost that time now. Max, you'd better get started for the Smithsonian right away.
Maxwell Smart: Chief, the 'Smithsonian' is the KAOS codename for park.
Chief: [shouting] Max, get going right away!


"Get Smart: The Spy Who Met Himself (#3.1)" (1967)
Chief: We don't know who they're going to impersonate next. So none of us is safe. We can't take any chances.
Maxwell Smart: [pulls out a gun] All right, that's it! Stay right where you are, nobody move!
Agent 99: Max!
Chief: What are you doing?
Maxwell Smart: Just checking you out, Mister. If you really are the Chief of Control, prove it.
Chief: Put it away.
Maxwell Smart: I'm not putting anything away until I'm completely satisified that you're not an imposter!
Chief: If you don't put it away in exactly two seconds, you're fired.
Maxwell Smart: I'm completely satisfied.


"Get Smart: The Return of the Ancient Mariner (#4.8)" (1968)
Agent 99: [Max is peeking through the front door peephole after a knock on the door... 99 enters] Max, is that Mr. Bob?
Maxwell Smart: I can't tell.
Agent 99: Well, is it a man or a woman?
Maxwell Smart: That's it, I can't tell.
Agent 99: Well, that's him!
[opens door]
Mr. Bob: [enters] Hi! I'm Mr. Bob!
Maxwell Smart: How do you do. I'm Mr. Max.


"Get Smart: Washington 4, Indians 3 (#1.6)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: [speaking into his tomahawk telephone] Don't worry 99, 43 is a good man.
Agent 99: [answering on regular walkie talkie] You're worth 2 43s, 86.


"Get Smart: The Man from YENTA (#2.21)" (1967)
Agent 99: Oh Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this.
Maxwell Smart: There's something more important than medals, 99.
Agent 99: What?
Maxwell Smart: It's after six. I get overtime.


"Get Smart: Kiss of Death (#2.15)" (1966)
# 99: Oh, Max, the lab men asked me to bring you this belt to wear to the party tonight.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, thank you, 99.
# 99: It's the latest piece of special equipment. The buckle contains a minuscule tape recorder.
Maxwell Smart: What?
# 99: Minuscule. Diminutive. Microcosmic.
Maxwell Smart: Heh. You certainly have a way with words, 99.
[turns to the Chief for further explanation]
Chief: Teensy weensy.


"Get Smart: Smartacus (#5.22)" (1970)
Larabee: You know, Max, sometimes I think the Chief doesn't like me.
Agent 99: Why do you say that, Larabee?
Larabee: I'll tell you, 99. Take that beautiful Japanese dagger he gave me for my birthday.
Agent 99: Well, I saw that dagger. That's very expensive. If the Chief didn't like you, he wouldn't give you a gift like that.
Larabee: That's just it, 99. He didn't give it to me, he threw it at me!


"Get Smart: The Not-So-Great Escape: Part 1 (#4.25)" (1969)
Larabee: Why, I have worse news: Harvey just closed the Control delicatessen and went home.
Maxwell Smart: You're kidding, why?
Larabee: He said with only three Control agents left in Washington, he can't afford to stay open any longer.
Agent 99: [on phone] Right, just as soon as he gets in.
[hangs up]
Agent 99: What are we gonna do?
Larabee: There's only one thing we can do: eat across the street at Angelo's.


"Get Smart: Don't Look Back (#3.18)" (1968)
# 99: Don't worry Max, we've got the best criminal lawyer available.
Maxwell Smart: [quite exited] Gregson?
Chief: No, he wouldn't touch the case.
Maxwell Smart: [less enthusiastic] Boumser?
# 99: No, he said he was leaving town.
Chief: Right after he heard about your case...
Maxwell Smart: [getting worried] Yarmy?
# 99: No, he's defending the Boston Strangler.
Maxwell Smart: [desperate] Don't tell me it's Hanrahan?
# 99, Chief: It's Hanrahan.
Maxwell Smart: I asked you not to tell me that! He hasn't won a case in 30 years!
Chief: I guess he just want to keep his record perfect.


"Get Smart: The Little Black Book: Part 1 (#3.16)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [on regular phone at home] Listen, 99, are you free tonight?
# 99: [on phone in Larabee's office] Oh, well I'm sitting in for Larabee but he should be back soon. What did you have in mind?
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I don't know, I thought a few drinks, a little dancing, maybe a late supper.
# 99: I'd love that! Shall I pick you up as usual?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, well it's not exactly that way, 99, you see eh, there's a buddy of mine in town and eh, well he asked me if I could get him a date and I thought if you weren't doing anything tonight...
# 99: But Max...
Maxwell Smart: Oh, one more thing, 99, I wonder if you could get a girl for me while you're at it. Nothing special, about 5"2"", blond hair, blue eyes.
Maxwell Smart: [99 hangs up angrily] 99?


"Get Smart: The Farkas Fracas (#4.11)" (1968)
Naomi Farkas: I can't get over how many locks you have on your door.
99: Oh well, Max leaves me alone a lot and he likes to think that I'm safe.
Naomi Farkas: Oh well, you're lucky to have a husband who cares. When Emil goes out, he leaves the key on top of the mat.


"Get Smart: That Old Gang of Mine (#3.10)" (1967)
# 99: Max! How did you do that?
Maxwell Smart: Surprised he fell for it. The old gun in the flashlight trick.


"Get Smart: Greer Window (#4.24)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: 99, I've been watching that window all day through my binoculars and I'm telling you that there was a little short guy in there with Greer and Miss Parker.
Agent 99: Well maybe you were looking in the wrong window?
Maxwell Smart: With Miss Parker in there, are you kidding?


"Get Smart: Anatomy of a Lover (#2.1)" (1966)
# 99: But Max, I don't understand. I thought Kirch had complete control over Hymie.
Maxwell Smart: He did, 99. But Hymie's programming for neatness was stronger than his programming for evil.


"Get Smart: And Only Two Ninety-Nine (#5.21)" (1970)
Chief: I'm going to telephone Max and tell him to wake that woman and kiss her.
Agent 99: What?
Chief: 99, no two women kiss alike. The second Max kisses her he'll know it's not you.
Agent 99: Chief, that's a terrible idea!
Chief: Why?
Agent 99: What if she's better.


"Get Smart: The Only Way to Die (#2.4)" (1966)
# 99: [99 is crying at Maxwell Smart's funeral] Poor Max... he was so young.
Chief: Yes, he was young.
# 99: And vital...
Chief: He was vital.
# 99: And intelligent...
[the Chief does not reply]
# 99: Loyal?
Chief: Yes, he was loyal.


"Get Smart: Rebecca of Funny-Folk Farm (#5.17)" (1970)
Agent 99: It looks like he died of fright.
Maxwell Smart: Either that or some other natural cause.
Jason Van Hooten: Sebastian...
Hester Van Hooten: Don't tell me he's loose.
Jason Van Hooten: [check's Sebastian's attic door, which has a hole in it] He's loose.
Hester Van Hooten: I asked you not to tell me that!


"Get Smart: How Green Was My Valet (#5.20)" (1970)
Maxwell Smart: Look at this, 99.
Agent 99: Did you find the fuel?
Maxwell Smart: No, I found a salami.


"Get Smart: Mr. Big (#1.1)" (1965)
Agent 99: Can you swim, professor?
Dante: No, but I am familiar with the Archimedes principal of displacement of water. In which you replace only a -
[Max pushes the professor overboard]


"Get Smart: Pheasant Under Glass (#5.1)" (1969)
Agent 99: [Max is about to jump and climb over a wall] I'm gonna have a baby, Max.
Maxwell Smart: A baby?
[runs straight through the wall]


"Get Smart: Too Many Chiefs (#1.11)" (1965)
Alexi Sebastian: [impersonating the Chief] I don't think I need you, I can question Tanya myself.
99: Chief, you know Control's rule on interrogation: never interrogate a female subject without another agent present.
Alexi Sebastian: Who made that rule?
99: Your wife!


"Get Smart: The Hot Line (#3.24)" (1968)
# 99: [Agent Q has just performed 'Alouette'] Max, did you hear that?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, he doesn't have a bad voice but he's lousy with lyrics.
# 99: No, it's the Control singing code. 'Curds and whey' means 'KAOS agent', 'cigarette' means 'impostor' and 'wetsus slas' means 'get away'.
Maxwell Smart: Check, 99. You took the words right out of my mouth.


"Get Smart: Diplomat's Daughter (#1.2)" (1965)
Chief of Control: [99 has made sure Max does not accompany the Princess back home] You wrote that report, didn't you?
Agent 99: Em... yes sir. I, em, I just wanted to safe Max from embarrassment. He gets seasick.
Chief of Control: In a plane?
Agent 99: If it flies over water...


"Get Smart: Is This Trip Necessary? (#5.12)" (1969)
Dr. Jarvis Pym: [about to swallow a deadly poison hidden in a secret compartment in his ring] Well, goodbye, Mr and Mrs Smart.
Maxwell Smart: Not so fast, Pym. Observe.
[opens secret compartment in his ring]
Dr. Jarvis Pym: What's that?
Maxwell Smart: Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you take that Sodium Calcium Chloride, I'll shove this down your throat. Not the ring, the powder. And you'll be alive again.
Dr. Jarvis Pym: That's very clever of you, Mr. Smart, but I was prepared. Observe again:
[opens secret compartment in another ring]
Dr. Jarvis Pym: Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you bring me back to life, I shall take this and then I shall be permanently disposed of.
Maxwell Smart: Temporarily permanently disposed of.
[opens secret compartment on yet another ring]
Maxwell Smart: You know what's in here?
Dr. Jarvis Pym: No.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, that makes two of us. What in here, 99?
Agent 99: Anti-pro-anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you take Sodium Calcium Chloride and Max brings you back to life with Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride and you decide to destroy yourself again with Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride, Max will bring you back to life again with Anti-Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride.
Dr. Jarvis Pym: Well, that's easy enough for you to say. I've run out of rings.
Maxwell Smart: Well I'm glad to hear that, it was my turn next.


"Get Smart: Strike While the Agent Is Hot (#2.2)" (1966)
Chief: 'The little red tractor that huffed and puffed'.
Agent 99: Must be some kind of code, Chief.
Chief: That's possible, 99
Maxwell Smart: [slaps the table] That's it, Chief.
Chief: That's what?
Maxwell Smart: Red means communist. Tractor means farmer. Huff and puff means tired.
[sits back with a smug look on his face]
Chief: What's that supposed to mean?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know. Find a tired communist farmer and ask him.


"Get Smart: And Baby Makes Four: Part 2 (#5.8)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [Max has climbed up through a trap door in a closet] 99, you wouldn't believe what they've got up here on the second floor.
Agent 99: What is it?
Maxwell Smart: A second floor closet.
Agent 99: Don't tell me it has a self-locking door?
Maxwell Smart: It has a self-locking door.
Agent 99: [mimicking Max] I asked you not to tell me that.


"Get Smart: Smart Fell on Alabama (#5.6)" (1969)
Agent 99: [on phone] The Chief is waiting for me downstairs. I'm on my way to the hospital right now.
Maxwell Smart: [on wristwatch phone] Are you alright, 99?
Agent 99: Yes. The pains are coming every ten minutes now.
Maxwell Smart: [in the process of being whipped by the Colonel] Good. Mine are coming every five seconds.


"Get Smart: Casino Evil (#1.2)" (1995)
Agent 66: Hi Mrs. Smart.
99: Please, you make me feel like a hundred. Call me 99.


"Get Smart: The Decoy (#2.7)" (1966)
Agent 99: [on the verge of crying] I'm sorry Max, It's just that we've had so little time together.
Maxwell Smart: Well, it couldn't be helped, 99. After all, there are no holidays in the fight against evil.


"Get Smart: Moonlighting Becomes You (#5.14)" (1970)
Agent 99: Max, Hannibal Day wrote the script.
Maxwell Smart: He did? I just read it, it's terrible.
Agent 99: Max, he's a murderer!
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well I knew he wasn't a writer.


"Get Smart: Closely Watched Planes (#4.3)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: I get it, Chief. You want me to find out how they're doing it.
Chief: No, I think the key to this is to find out who is doing it.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Right. Now, if I find out how they're doing it, then I will know who is doing it.
# 99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Hmm?
# 99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Eh... yes, why, Chief?
Chief: Why what?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, why if I find out how they're doing it, will I know who is doing it?
Chief: Because if you find out who is doing it and how they're doing it, it stands to reason you'll find out why they're doing it.
Maxwell Smart: [to 99] That's why.
[turns back to the Chief]
Maxwell Smart: When?
Chief: You can go now, Max.


Get Smart's Bruce and Lloyd Out of Control (2008) (V)
[Lloyd is running through the Maragyuan embassy when his phone rings. He ducks into a storage closet to answer it]
Lloyd: Bruce, what?
Agent 99: [In Russia, annoyed] What exactly did I do to tick you off so much, Bruce?
Lloyd: This isn't Bruce, it's Lloyd.
Agent 99: Whatever!
Lloyd: Listen, I'm kind of busy right now...
Agent 99: Oh, oh, hey hey! I am out here in Podunk, Russia trying to save the free world, and everytime I turn around Max is pulling out some new gadget that I don't have!
Lloyd: I REALLY need to go...
Agent 99: Geiger-counter watch! Mini blow-gun with... some kind of lizard-foot poison dart which he doesn't even know how to use. And what do I get? Exploding dental floss!
Lloyd: I'm kind of busy!
Agent 99: That's two-year old technology! I mean, did I not remember you at Christmas? Because everyone else seemed pretty happy with the goddamn fudge!
Lloyd: [Incredulous] What?
Agent 99: [Dangerously] We ARE going to have words when I get back. Count on it, Bruce!
Lloyd: [Snapping] It's Lloyd!
[Agent 99 hangs up]
Lloyd: I hate that!


"Get Smart: Operation Ridiculous (#3.21)" (1968)
Chief: This morning I received a phone call that may change the destiny of our entire organization. Weeknews magazine is going to do a feature story on us.
Maxwell Smart: Weeknews magazine?
Chief: They picked us over Eddie Fisher, Ho Chi Minh and the President's grandson.
# 99: Do you think publicity is such a good idea, Chief?
Maxwell Smart: Well of course it is. The CIA is in the newspapers all the time and the FBI has it's own television show. We're the only secret organization in the world that nobody ever heard of.


"Get Smart: To Sire, with Love: Part 1 (#4.20)" (1969)
99: I don't know what assignment the chief had in mind when he had you grow that moustache, but it looks perfect with your costume...
Maxwell Smart: I don't know either, 99, but it certainly presented a problem.
99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I didn't know whether to come to the masquerade as D'Artagnan, Dickie Smothers or Anna Magnani.


"Get Smart: The Day They Raided the Knights (#4.16)" (1969)
Sonja: Well, I see you last worked as an airline stewardess.
99: That's right.
Sonja: Oh, what was your reason for leaving?
99: I got married.
Sonja: Oh. Oh, and the airlines wouldn't let you fly any more?
99: No, my husband wouldn't. He's an airplaine mechanic.


"Get Smart: The Laser Blazer (#4.10)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: Looks like I've messed everything up.
99: Oh, don't feel badly Max, you've messed things up before and you'll mess things up again.
Maxwell Smart: You're just saying that to make me feel good.
99: That's what a wife's for.


"Get Smart: Maxwell Smart, Alias Jimmy Ballantine (#2.5)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: Chief...
[slaps desk with his hand]
Maxwell Smart: I'd like to volunteer.
# 99: It sounds like a suicide assignment, Chief.
Maxwell Smart: I'd like to volunteer to find a volunteer.


"Get Smart: The Apes of Rath (#5.10)" (1969)
Agent 99: [Chuck has slipped on a bananaskin and fell of the rooftop] Oh, Max isn't that ironic? It took a modern jungle to kill that beast.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: No, 99, 't was beauty who killed the beast.
Agent 99: Beauty? Oh, Max, thank you.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Oh, I didn't mean you, 99 'Beauty' is the brand name of these bananas.


"Get Smart: Tequila Mockingbird (#4.17)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [looking at a photograph] So this is the little devil that cost Conrad Palmeter his life.
Agent 99: The millionaire art director? Did he own the Tequila Mockingbird?
Maxwell Smart: Several times. When he was 30, he bought it from a Hindu sailer in the city of Tequila, Mexico. Then 10 years later it was stolen by a Chinese accountant. At the age of 52 Permetta was able to buy it back at an auction in Beirut. Then 10 years later it mysteriously disappeared again. He spend the next 50 years searching for it.
Agent 99: You said the Mockingbird cost him his life, Max. How did he die?
Maxwell Smart: Old age.