Maxwell Smart
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Maxwell Smart (Character)
from "Get Smart" (1965)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Get Smart (2008)
Agent 99: Are you staring at my butt?
Maxwell Smart: No, no, I... I was, but I'm not... I'm staring again.

Agent 99: Max has no experience, and I don't want him as my partner.
Maxwell Smart: Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads.

Maxwell Smart: I recently lost 150 pounds.
Max's Dance Partner: Me too!

Maxwell Smart: [Maxwell and Agent 99 swing towards a window but they hit the wall] Missed it by that much!

Maxwell Smart: Personal best!

Maxwell Smart: I think it's only fair to warn you, this facility is surrounded by a highly trained team of 130 Black Op Snipers.
Siegfried: I don't believe you.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe two dozen Delta Force Commandos?
Siegfried: No.
Maxwell Smart: How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun?

Maxwell Smart: [99 is trying to get knife out of his pocket by grabbing it with her bare feet] That's not my knife!

Agent 99: I used to look like my mom.
Maxwell Smart: I used to look like two of my moms put together.

Maxwell Smart: [to Agent 99] Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face, willy-nilly? Its Tuesday, I'll punch Max in the face. Ooh, a box of kittens, time to punch Max in the face. Oh, I'm having some bread, time to punch Max in the face!

Agent 99: Did you see anything while I was dancing?
Maxwell Smart: Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you so high.

Agent 99: Did I hear something?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, there were some tap dancers in the hallway.

Maxwell Smart: [Agent 99 leans to kiss him] 99 please, nobody here knows we're dating.
The Chief: [walks by] Yes, they do.
Maxwell Smart: On the cheek.
[Agent 99 kisses his cheek]
Agent 99: [as they walk off] Give me a little one.
[Max kisses her on the lips]

Maxwell Smart: It's okay, 99. Big people feel pain, too.

Siegfried: How do I know you're not Control?
Maxwell Smart: If I were Control, you'd already be dead.
Siegfried: If you were Control, you'd already be dead.
Maxwell Smart: Neither of us is dead, so I am obviously not from Control.
Shtarker: That actually makes sense.

Maxwell Smart: On 3: 1... 2... 3.
[fake-punches Bruce, Bruce falls]
Maxwell Smart: Wrong way.

Maxwell Smart: Son of a hamster.

Maxwell Smart: Well, you were no help at all.
Agent 99: How could I help? I'm just a woman with a dusty old uterus.
Maxwell Smart: I never said dusty.

Agent 99: Use your peripherals! Do you see him?
Maxwell Smart: I'm just widening my eyes. I'm not actually seeing anything more.
[turns around to look]
Maxwell Smart: Woah, that's a bad guy, that's a really bad guy! Did you see his face? His head looks like one of the Easter Island heads!

Maxwell Smart: Mother of pearl!

[Max is using the toilet and listening in on two henchmen conversing by the sinks. He flushes the toilet and walks over to them]
Maxwell Smart: You know what? I will tell you, I love your country! No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!
[an alarm on his watch goes off]
Maxwell Smart: Time to take my pill...
[leaves and returns to his and 99's table]
Maxwell Smart: There was a guy in the bathroom who's really hot.
[beat]
Agent 99: Okay, well...
Maxwell Smart: No, no, no, radioactive hot. Although, yes, he did have a certain rugged quality that some found appealing.

Maxwell Smart: [to two Russian suspects] You know what? I will tell you, I love your country. No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had!

[Max and 99 are six miles outside of Smolensk, walking along a dirt road]
Maxwell Smart: Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths?
Agent 99: Okay, okay! You know what, so far our entire "partnership" has consisted of me getting you out of trouble! Do you know why? It is because you keep leading!
Maxwell Smart: Well...
Agent 99: So here's how we stop that: I lead now! I'm the one with field experience, and you know nothing!
Maxwell Smart: I beg to differ!
[99 starts walking away]
Maxwell Smart: I looked up your field agent exam, and I scored...
Agent 99: My *what*?
Maxwell Smart: Your field agent exam! I scored eight points higher than you did! That is the difference between an A+ and an A-!
Agent 99: [at the same time] This is not a classroom! This is real! You are really going to get yourself killed if you don't listen to me!
Maxwell Smart: ...A-!
[beat; 99 glares at Max]
Agent 99: Okay. Okay, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do?
Maxwell Smart: I take out my gun...
[pulls his gun out of its holster]
Maxwell Smart: ... and I would shoot-
[as Max raises his weapon in front of him, 99 snatches it from him and points it at his head]
Agent 99: You don't have a gun.
Maxwell Smart: I did until you took it!
Agent 99: "Bang", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart: No, I'm not.
[99 points the gun at Max's heart]
Agent 99: "Bang", you're dead!
Maxwell Smart: Stop shooting me.
Agent 99: You are dead!
[points the gun at spots all over Max's upper body]
Agent 99: Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
Maxwell Smart: I don't like it when you shoot me! Stop it. Stop shooting me! You've already said I was-
[99 sticks Max's gun back into his pants]
Maxwell Smart: Hey.
Agent 99: [quietly] Throw out your manual. I hear there are no grades. There's only "dead" and "not dead".
Maxwell Smart: You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of ­Choi Kwang-Do.
[gets into a warm-up stance, at which point 99 backhands him across the face]
Maxwell Smart: I was not ready!
Agent 99: That's my point.
Maxwell Smart: You know what-
[99 slaps him again]
Maxwell Smart: Hey! What was that?

Agent 23: It's not over Max, I'll take that briefcase.
Maxwell Smart: If you want it, you'll have to take it.
Agent 23: [pause] That's what I just said!
Maxwell Smart: I know, I'm just trying to annoy you!

Maxwell Smart: Chief I have to say this whole thing really stems my plans. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.
The Chief: Sand trap.
[they crash through a sand dune]
Maxwell Smart: Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!
The Chief: Tractor.
[they crash over a tractor]
Maxwell Smart: Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.
The Chief: Swordfish!
[they crash right into a swordfish]
Maxwell Smart: [car comes to a stop] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: I don't know. Were you thinking, "Holy shit, holy shit, a swordfish almost went through my head"? If so, then yes.

Maxwell Smart: The old "Call Forwarding From the Shoe phone to the Cell phone so you don't know Where I am and then I appear on the Roof behind you and Surprise everyone" trick.
Agent 23: [points a gun to Max's temple] Don't move.

Agent 99: Inside there's a pill, if captured it will cause death in nine seconds.
Maxwell Smart: Great, but how exactly do I get them to take it?
[pause]
Maxwell Smart: Not much of a laugher are you?

Maxwell Smart: [given a blanket] Oh good, the itchy kind, my favorite, does this one also have small pox? And that was a human tooth...

Maxwell Smart: This is it?
Siegfried: Of course not, I lied.
Shtarker: He does that.

Agent 99: Not bad for a rookie.
Maxwell Smart: Not bad for an old lady.

Maxwell Smart: This whole week, last night, you know me.
Agent 99: Apparently not.
Agent 23: Oh my God, you two? You and Max? You said we had to break up cause we worked together!
Maxwell Smart: Oh my God, you and 23? I am so sexually threatened right now.

Agent 99: You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.
Agent 23: You conveniently killed Krstic before anyone could question him.
The Chief: And there's that little matter with you stoning my head with a fire extinguisher.
Maxwell Smart: I said I was sorry, you just didn't hear me because you were in a mini coma.

Maxwell Smart: My buttocks are really stinging from being dragged.

Maxwell Smart: Am I wearing boxers? For future reference, I usually prefer briefs for their security and peace of mind. Going free-bird is not exactly ideal. I don't like it.

Maxwell Smart: Oh gee, Maxi-pad, I haven't heard that one before!
[pause]
Maxwell Smart: I never have actually heard that one before.

[last lines]
Maxwell Smart: [gets his nose caught in a door] Ow! You gotta be kidding me!

Maxwell Smart: A total guess. Yes, it was.

Agent 13: Are you coming back this way?
Maxwell Smart: Oh... Yea, maybe.
Agent 13: What time?
Maxwell Smart: Oh... Mmmm...
Agent 13: I get it... I get it... No one wants to talk to a guy in a tree, I get it.
Maxwell Smart: Please don't cry... just... don't cry.

[Max walks in to See CONTROL in shambles. Looks over and sees Bruce and Lloyd underneath a table]
Maxwell Smart: Bruce! Lloyd! What happened here... and what is that ungodly smell?
Lloyd: Fear.

Larabee: Hey, Maxine! Why don't you come over here and we'll play a little game I like to call: 'Let's Go to the Dog Show'! I put a collar on you and make you my bi... AH!
[gets shot in the crotch with a paintball by Max]
Larabee: [while groaning, to 91] I think I really got inside head.
Maxwell Smart: [to 23] I am not proud of what I just did.

CONTROL Agent: [when gets shot by Max with a paintball] Missed me! Hahaha!
[gets shot rapidly with paintballs by 23]
CONTROL Agent: Alright! Alright! I'm out!
Agent 23: He was lying Max. It was a good shot.
Maxwell Smart: Thanks. I am so sick of training. I wanna get out into the field.
Agent 91: Give it up 23! It's just you and Maxi-pad against the six of us!
Maxwell Smart: [sarcastically] Oh, gee, Maxi-pad. I've never heard that one before!
[less sarcastically to 23]
Maxwell Smart: I never have actually heard that one before.

Bruce: [as Max is escaping] Turn around slowly.
Maxwell Smart: [turns around to find Bruce and Lloyd coming around the corner with forced angry facial expressions and Bruce holding a gun] Guys, you have to believe me I am not a double agent.
Lloyd: We never thought you were.
Bruce: Yeah, we love you, man.
Maxwell Smart: Then what's with the firearm and the freak-show expression?
Bruce: For the security camera. If it looks like we let you go, we'd totally get fired.
Maxwell Smart: [looks up at the camera then looks back] Got it.
[Burce and Lloyd shuffle forward stiffly and regain fighting stances and angry expressions]
Maxwell Smart: Where are the Chief and 99?
Bruce: They flew to L.A. to talk to the President.
Maxwell Smart: I need to get out of here before someone else comes to stop me.
Bruce: I suggest you overpower us.
Maxwell Smart: Good idea. Bruce I will smash you in the face.
Bruce: [rather pleasantly] Thank you.
Maxwell Smart: Lloyd, I will simulate your disembowelment.
Lloyd: [whimpers slightly]
Maxwell Smart: Ready? One...
[Bruce flinches]
Maxwell Smart: Not yet! I haven't punched you yet. React when I punch you.
Bruce: [regains firearm] Oh, yeah.
Maxwell Smart: One, two, three.
[punches to the left but Bruce falls to his left]
Maxwell Smart: Wrong way.
Lloyd: OK, wait. You should know sometimes I faint.
Maxwell Smart: I'm not actually going to hit you.
Lloyd: No, but when I see blood, or talk about blood, or think about blood...
Maxwell Smart: There will be no blood. Hang in there. Hang in, buddy.
Lloyd: [faints]

Maxwell Smart: Welcome back 23, how was the assassination?
Agent 23: Maxie, you know assassinations are specifically prohibited by executive order number 12333.
[laughter]
Maxwell Smart: 23, you killed me!
Agent 23: I could if I wanted to!
Maxwell Smart: Yes, you could.
[laughter]
Maxwell Smart: Oh! Did you see the look on his face?

[the cone of silence isn't working]
Maxwell Smart: Chief, I hit you in the head with a fire extinguisher!
The Chief: No, no, we're not ready yet!

[Larabee is getting surrounded by the "cone of silence"]
Larabee: Get OFF!
[talking to Chief]
Maxwell Smart: Larabee wants out!
Maxwell Smart: OOOOUUUUTTTT!
[Max's head is shone swelling in the cone of silence]

Maxwell Smart: We are near the drop zone, I'll go first.
Agent 99: Are you going to be ok with your handcuffs?
Maxwell Smart: No handcuffs can contain me.
Maxwell Smart: Hey, violent sky marshall!
Air Marshall: What do you want?
Maxwell Smart: I have to squeeze the lemon.
[a nearby couple sigh in disgust]
Maxwell Smart: You heard me I have to "squeeze the lemon".

[Max notices he has gum on the bottom of his shoe]
Maxwell Smart: Oh great, I have gum on the bottom of my new shoes.
[Max pulls out a box of matches and starts removing the gum with a match]
Guy on the plane: Hey! He's trying to light his shoe!
Guy on the plane: It's a shoe bomb! Get HIM!
Maxwell Smart: No, it's gum.
Lady on the plane: Gun?
Lady on the plane: He's got a gun!
Maxwell Smart: No... GUUUMM!
[the air marshall tackles him to the floor]
Air Marshall: Air Marshall! You're under arrest!
Maxwell Smart: Sir, I believe you just shattered my coccyx!

[99 is talking to chief on her cell-phone, Max asked to see the phone but she hit the "know-out gas button" on her phone]
Maxwell Smart: Could this be Siegfried?
The Chief: Hello, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Chief?
The Chief: Yes.
[the knock-out gas starts coming out of the phone]
Maxwell Smart: Knock-out gas 99? I've trained my body to be impervious to this whi... that's new stuff.
[Max passes out]

Maxwell Smart: I have obtained a snippet, at great risk to a bus boy in Balad.
[Men start speaking in Punjab on a recording which Max is translating]
Maxwell Smart: "Aftab, how is your coffee?"
Maxwell Smart: "Good, Dalip, it's decaf. How is yours?"
Maxwell Smart: "It is good, also. How is your muffin?"
Maxwell Smart: Powerful stuff
The Chief: So "muffin", then, is a code word?
Maxwell Smart: No, it is comfort food... and quite frankly much more fattening than most people realize. Which begs the question... why would two hardened KAOS agents... risk the carbs?
Maxwell Smart: Because they are under a great deal of stress.
Agent 23: Hence the decaf.
Maxwell Smart: For Aftab yes. Dalip takes his full-strength. Why? Because he has been sleeping on the couch for three days... because he called his sister-in-law a "leathery hag".
Larabee: You know, people often say things in anger they don't really mean. Leathery hag, fat cow, ungrateful whore. Just words really, that shouldn't be used against you in a custody hearing.
Agent 91: Let it go, man, those kids don't even look like you.
The Chief: Can we put a pen in this, please... and go back to Max's extraordinary detailed report?
Maxwell Smart: Thank you, Chief. All I'm saying is... that until we understand that our enemies are also human beings... we will never defeat them. Yes, they are bad guys, but that is what they do, not who they are. Let's continue listening... and bear in mind that the next 100 pages can get a little bit dry.
Larabee: Come on.
[All sigh in boredom]

The Chief: You'll have to bear with me, I'm still a little fuzzy. I got a pretty good hit in the head yesterday.
[Knowing he did it, Max lies]
Maxwell Smart: Yes, it was... dark in there... you probably tripped... I hurt my knee... it was smoky too.

Maxwell Smart: I didn't get to eat at the restaurant, and if you skip a meal, the next meal you overindulge.
Agent 99: Ohh! Let me, i've got nails.
[Max gives her the biscuits, she throws them into a lake, and a duck is heard quaking]
Maxwell Smart: You owe me three dollars!

Maxwell Smart: [when he hears he is promoted to Agent 86] The cone please...
[he walks to a corner of the safe room and screams:]
Maxwell Smart: Oooh, I am so happy. This is the best day of my life!
Lloyd: You didn't push the button hard enough.
Maxwell Smart: So you all heard me... right.

Maxwell Smart: [on the plane] Oh, wow!

Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: If you're thinking "Holy shit! Holy shit! A swordfish almost went though my head!" If so, then yes.

Opel Driver: [after Max flags down a car in the middle of the road] What are you doing, dummkopf? Running out in the middle of the road? You could get hit by a car!
[the Opel is smashed into from behind by another car]
Maxwell Smart: Well, that... was ironic.

Bakery Counter Woman: Free rugelach?
Maxwell Smart: No thank you. I am here for something else.
Bakery Counter Woman: Bread?
Maxwell Smart: Something hot.
Bakery Counter Woman: We have rolls that just came out.
Maxwell Smart: Even hotter. Much, much hotter.
Bakery Counter Woman: I already have boyfriend.
Maxwell Smart: All right...
Bakery Counter Woman: Although, I could make exception.
Maxwell Smart: No, that's OK.
Bakery Counter Woman: Sure? Flour sacks in back very comfortable.
Maxwell Smart: I don't think we are on the same page.

Maxwell Smart: [In a sewer] You know, I never saw James Bond in rats or poop, let alone rats _and_ poop. Oh look, there's a rat riding on a piece of poop.

[Max, having been turned down, is talking to himself on a sidewalk]
Maxwell Smart: I am sorry. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent. And when that happens, one phone call could take me to the other side of the world.
[sighs]
Maxwell Smart: Who am I kidding? I'm a middle aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you.
[camera angle changes to show that he's talking to a dog in a pet store display window]
Maxwell Smart: You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, fang. Don't love me.
[as he starts to walk away, a female jogger plows straight into him and both of them fall]
Maxwell Smart: Oh, dear. Sorry.
[helps her to her feet]
Agent 99: Oh, great.
[looks at her watch]
Agent 99: That was my last mile. Now I have no idea how fast I was.
Maxwell Smart: Well, you were really moving. Not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.
Agent 99: I'm just gonna call that one a... 4:50.
Maxwell Smart: Impressive. I, uh, once ran a 5:16.
Agent 99: Oh really? That's, uh, slower.
Maxwell Smart: Well, not everything's a competition.
Agent 99: If it were, I'd win.
Maxwell Smart: Ah. Are you flirting with me?
[beat]
Agent 99: Not at all. Are you flirting with me?
Maxwell Smart: That depends. Is it working?
[99 puts her headphones back in her ears]
Agent 99: Not at all.
[jogs away]
Maxwell Smart: Well nice meeting you! I admire your focus!
[a man comes out of the store wheeling a dolly, and one wheel runs over Max's foot]
Maxwell Smart: Am I invisible?

Lloyd: Hey Max, we got you a lovely parting gift for your first mission.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, pocket knife!
Lloyd: Not just pocket knife. Swiss Army knife. It comes with tweezers, pliers, tiny magnifying glass...
Bruce: Fish scaler, a saw, a flamethrower, chisel, a wire-crimping tool.
Lloyd: We also added a crossbow that fires harpoons connected to 60 ft of spider silk nanothread. It has the strength of steel cable.
Bruce: It's a time-consuming, labor-intensive technology.
Lloyd: Spiders have to be individually milked.
Bruce: And they do not like it.
Lloyd: No, they don't.
Maxwell Smart: Gentlemen, you're the best. Thanks!


Get Smart, Again! (1989) (TV)
[last lines]
Maxwell Smart: 99, I love you better than the whole world. Would you believe it? The whole world.
Agent 99: Yes Max, I believe it.
[they kiss]

Beamish: Mr. Smart, may I say that meeting you is the highlight of my entire career!
Maxwell Smart: Thank you, Beamish! How long have you been with the company?
Beamish: Three days!

Maxwell Smart: Could you speak a little louder, sir? They're throwing dirt in my grave.

Agent 99: You met the President! What's he like?
Maxwell Smart: Everything you'd expect him to be!
Agent 99: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Cmdr. Drury: Smart, you appear to be in pretty good shape, do you work out?
Maxwell Smart: I jog one hundred miles every day! Would you believe it? One hundred miles!
Cmdr. Drury: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe fifty?
Cmdr. Drury: No!
Maxwell Smart: How about two push ups and a deep breath?

Maxwell Smart: Missed it by *that* much.

Agent 99: Oh, Max. You let him get away. Did you get a look at his face?
Maxwell Smart: If that was his face he has a huge cleft in his chin!

Agent 13: What's our assignment? Find Hotentot?
Maxwell Smart: 13! How did you know that?
Agent 13: I still got my contacts, Max. I got a friend inside the White House, really inside. She's in the plumbing!

Larrabee: You mean you and Siegfried are triplets?
Prof. Helmut Schmelding: No, there are three of us.
Maxwell Smart: You mean to tell me that you have another brother who looks exactly like you and Siegfried?
Prof. Helmut Schmelding: No, a sister.
Larrabee: I bet she has a tough time getting dates.

Cmdr. Drury: They can produce acid rain, destroy all our crops, and pollute our water.
Maxwell Smart: [Incredulously] You mean they can do that better than we're doing it now?

Maxwell Smart: Because at this very moment, this warehouse is being surrounded by one hundred cops with Doberman pinschers. Would you believe it? A hundred cops with Doberman pinschers.
Nicholas Dimente: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe ten security guards and a bloodhound?
Nicholas Dimente: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about a Boy Scout with rabies?

Nicholas Dimente: I can drown the city that houses your finest minds, your most brilliant intillects.
Maxwell Smart: [to 99] Well at least Washington is safe.

Maxwell Smart: Ok, I'll go in and you cover me.
Agent 99: Max, I dont have a gun.
Maxwell Smart: Eh, ok, then you go in and I'll cover you.
Agent 99: Max!
Maxwell Smart: Eh, I've got a gun for you, 99.
[pulls open elbow-patch, takes out mini-gun]
Maxwell Smart: Max this looks like a tootsie role with a trigger. What do you say when you use this, 'Put your finger up?'
Maxwell Smart: Well, it might not look like much, 99, but when you attach this noiser to it...
Agent 99: Noiser?
Maxwell Smart: ...a bang becomes a boom.

Cmdr. Drury: [on phone] This is the single most important telephone call you will ever receive. The fate of the world depends upon you.
Maxwell Smart: [on shoephone] Could you hold that thought for a second sir, someone's coming.
[Max moves off as a coffin slides by]
Cmdr. Drury: He put the world on hold.

Maj. Waterhouse: The Cone of Silence. It's an obsolete anti-bugging device.
Maxwell Smart: Well, it's not really obsolete, sir. as a matter of fact, I bought one at the Control garage sale, it's hanging over my bed.
Cmdr. Drury: Over your bed?
Maxwell Smart: I talk in my sleep.

Cmdr. Drury: Now Smart, remember, KAOS will do everything in it's power to try to stop you. You'll be in imminent danger and constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it!

Maxwell Smart: Where have you been keeping yourself?
Agent 13: [lying in a cabinet drawer] Oh, here and there, just part-time spying now. Two weeks in a toilet in Talido, a voodoo drum in Haiti. That was kind of fun, like a vacation.

Maxwell Smart: We need you to come back to work for Control.
Hymie: Sure, when you need me you come around. Otherwise I never hear from you. It really hurts, Max. I'm not made of stone, you know.
[hits his metal chest]

Dr. Denton: We have perfected a mini-camera that fits right into your nose. All you have to do is press this button on your jacket and your elbow will record what your nose sees.
Maxwell Smart: Well, wouldn't it be better if my nose recorded what my elbow sees?
Dr. Denton: No.
Maxwell Smart: No?
Dr. Denton: No.
Maxwell Smart: No.
Dr. Denton: Simply because in your elbow patch compartment there is a mini recorder plus everything else you might need. A mini-magnet, a mini-gun and a mini-condom.
Larrabee: I'm curious. What use do we have for a mini-magnet?
Dr. Denton: All you need to know is in your mini-manual which is in your other elbow patch compartment.

Maxwell Smart: We've got one week to save the world. Lucky it's this week, we set our clocks back on Sunday.
Larrabee: That gives us an extra hour.

Maxwell Smart: Go to sleep, 99.
Agent 99: I can't.
Maxwell Smart: Why not?
Agent 99: You're sitting on me.

Maxwell Smart: [Max is holding a vase and a lamp and keeping a grandfatherclock from falling with his back] Wait a minute. Eh. Do me a favor.
Beademeyer: [pointing a gun at Max] What?
Maxwell Smart: [holds up the lamp and the vase] Hold these while I read you your rights.

Agent 99: Max, was that man from KAOS?
Maxwell Smart: How did you know, 99?
Agent 99: Remember Gruvnik?
Maxwell Smart: Of course, Gruvnik the Spoiler!
Agent 99: Right. In 1969 he was traded by KAOS to THRUSH for a rookie killer and two minor-league muggers. That man was Beademeyer, one of the muggers.
Maxwell Smart: Of course, I should've remembered his clammy hands.

Maxwell Smart: I agree, 99. There's something rotten in Detroit.
Hymie: That's Denmark, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well, things haven't been that great in Detroit either.

Maxwell Smart: It's the old, old Trojan horse trick.
Cmdr. Drury: That could work... 99, are you sure this isn't your idea?
Agent 99: No, it was Max's.

Maxwell Smart: Well, we'll just have to chalk this up to a precious waste of time... and chalk.

Agent 99: Max, I can't believe me, I'm all butterflies. Do you realize how long it's been since we've done something this exciting together?
Maxwell Smart: What was wrong with Tuesday night?

Agent 99: Oh Max, I divulged too much. I didn't need to list all of your idiosyncrasies.
Maxwell Smart: My idiosyncrasies?
Agent 99: Pages 127 to 145.
Maxwell Smart: Why couldn't you just write a diet book like everybody else?

Maxwell Smart: [Max holds up Tolstoy's War and Peace to block a KAOS agent with a knife] Nobody gets through War and Peace!

Cmdr. Drury: The fate of the civilized world depends upon you.
Maxwell Smart: What about our side, sir?

President: Believe me, it's not easy to send one of my men off on a mission that some of my Cabinet members have characterized as, one of certain death.
Maxwell Smart: Certain death?
President: Yes, but in my opinion I have no other choice.
Maxwell Smart: Could we get a second opinion?

Agent 99: Oh Max, how horrible.
Maxwell Smart: Well he deserved it 99, he was nothing but a Kaos killer.
Agent 99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better Max.
Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 99? We have to kill and maim and destroy, we stand for everything that's good and fine and decent in the world.


The Nude Bomb (1980)
Maxwell Smart: And if there's one thing I've learned, in many many years of experience, it's that you cannot be too careful with your gun.
[puts his gun away in his pants, accidentally pulls the trigger]
Maxwell Smart: Excuse me.
[turns around examines himself, turns back]
Chief: Are you al right?
Maxwell Smart: Missed it by that much.

Maxwell Smart: [Max and agent 34 crash into a roadblock with a sign showing skull and crossbones and a German warning] Just our luck, we gotta run into a poisonous Achtung.
Agent 34: That means attention. There has been an avalanche.

Maxwell Smart: Why, I once knew an agent who went into the Pentagon building in Washington, and was lost for three days!
Agent 22: Three days? I can't believe anyone could get that confused.
Maxwell Smart: Well, let me see. I went in on a Tuesday...

Maxwell Smart: [looking at a large door that works like a zipper] That's the second biggest zipper I've ever seen!

Maxwell Smart: [introducing Agent 22 to Agent 36] 36 - 22 - 36

Sauvage: Your bogus ingenuousness is straining my equanimity.
Maxwell Smart: Could you put that another way?
Sauvage: You're pissing me off.

Chief: We're really up against it, this time, 86. The fate of the entire world is in your hands.
Maxwell Smart: Oh no, not again. Well, ok this time, but next week I'm on vacation, Chief. If you get in trouble then, it's your ass.

Maxwell Smart: You know, Chief, this nude bomb might solve a lot of problems.
Chief: Such as?
Maxwell Smart: Well for one thing, flashers.
Chief: Only you would think of a that, Max.
Maxwell Smart: That's why they pay me the big bucks. And there'd be no more trouble with concealed weapons. I mean if everyone was nude, there'd be no place to hide a gun or a knife. Well, there is a place, but it could be painful.

Agent 36: You're a legend, 86. When I was studying well the Spy Academy I reviewed every one of your cases.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well, wouldn't you like to hear my side of the story?
Agent 36: I think you're wonderful.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, you have heard my side of the story.

Maxwell Smart: Of course, the old bullet in the barrel trick.

President: [on hotline in limo] Now you realize, Mr. Smart, that once KAOS learns your mission, they'll stop at nothing. You'll be in imminent danger, constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.
Maxwell Smart: [on other line in Control Cab] And... loving it.

Maxwell Smart: A stapler telephone? That's fantastic, Carruthers. Can it also be used as a stapler?
Carruthers: No.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well, you'd better work on that.

Maxwell Smart: That girl worries me a lot, Chief. Whatever happened to the regulations regarding female agents? They're supposed to be unmarried, without dependence and willing to fool around a lot.

Maxwell Smart: Of course, the old big black truck trick.

Agent 22: I've never seen that maneuver before: falling over backwards and coming up shooting. When did you first think of that?
Maxwell Smart: The second my foot hit this banana peel.

Larrabee: Max, I've been thinking about it. And if they decide to drop the nude bomb, I know the answer.
Larrabee: [Max does not reply] Well?
Maxwell Smart: Well what?
Larrabee: Don't you wanna know the answer?
Maxwell Smart: No.
Larrabee: Food.
Maxwell Smart: Food?
Larrabee: Sure, the whole world will start wearing food.

Maxwell Smart: Of course! The old dashboard in the draw trick.

Maxwell Smart: Look, 22, when I'm on a case, I don't fool around. I mean, before a case? Maybe. After a case? Definitely. During a case? Never.

Maxwell Smart: [holding 36's bra in his lef hand] 22, I can explain this bra in 5 seconds.
Maxwell Smart: [accidentally revealing 36's panties in his other hand] Eh, these panties are gonna take a little longer.

Agent 22: [referring to Jonathan Levinson Seigle] We have to ask him some questions.
Doctor: He can't talk.
Maxwell Smart: Can he type?

Landlady: [Max is holding up his identification] That doesn't look anything like you.
Maxwell Smart: It's my thumb print.

Maxwell Smart: 22 was married to the late, great 78? Wasn't he a little old for her?
Agent 13: [hiding in Popular Spy magazine] Well, let's see. 22 was 21 when she married 78 in '72. 78 was 46, that means 78 was 22, 32, 42, 25 years older than 22. 22 joined P.I.T.S when 78 died in 75.
Maxwell Smart: Tell me, 13, how was 78 killed?
Agent 13: Investigating the numbers racket.

Edith Von Secondberg: [to Max] You're quite witty.
Maxwell Smart: And charming.

Edith Von Secondberg: There's something I think you should know, Maxwell.
Maxwell Smart: And what is that?
Edith Von Secondberg: Your ski's are on fire.

Maxwell Smart: [referring to Jonathan Levinson Seigle] He's too weak to talk, he's humming the information to us!

Maxwell Smart: I'm a secret agent. And I am here on a very important mission, Edith. May I call you Edith?
Edith Von Secondberg: I'd like that. Particularly since that's my name. You'll find I answer a lot faster to it than I would if you called me Marion.
Maxwell Smart: I'm going to level with you, Marion... May I call you Marion?

Maxwell Smart: I advise you to drop your guns an put up your hands.
KAOS #1: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Because at this very minute, my friend, this chalet is being completely surrounded by 500 alpine crack troops.
KAOS #1: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe 150 Tirolian ski-troops?
KAOS #2: No we wouldn't.
Maxwell Smart: How about 2 Saint Bernards in heat?

Maxwell Smart: [having dropped the Chief off a bridge] Sorry about that, Chief.

Maxwell Smart: Carruthers, radio our position to P.I.T.S. central. Tell them to send in the task force and to have them get here faster than possible.
[Carruthers leaves]
Maxwell Smart: Al right, 22, we got to invade that zipper before the mountain's fly closes.

Maxwell Smart: Sorry about that... Normie.

Chief: Where's Sauvage?
Maxwell Smart: He got hung up.


"Get Smart: The Man from YENTA (#2.21)" (1967)
Agent 99: Oh Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this.
Maxwell Smart: There's something more important than medals, 99.
Agent 99: What?
Maxwell Smart: It's after six. I get overtime.

Maxwell Smart: [13 is hiding in the chimney of Prince Ali Ben Bubee's suite] Look, I know you got a lonely job, 13, but there's no need to be sarcastic about it.
Agent 13: Well, it does have its' compensations. The other side of this chimney opens on the harem girls' suite.

Chief: [faced with four men dressed like Prince Abu Ben Bubi] Wait a minute, what is this? Max which one are you?
Maxwell Smart: Right here, Chief.
Le Moco: [impersonating Max] Right here, Chief.
Maxwell Smart: Right here, Chief.
Le Moco: No, he's Le Moco, I'm Max.
Maxwell Smart: Don't fall for that, Chief. I'm Max.
Prince: I'm the prince.
Agent 498: I'm hungry.

Maxwell Smart: [Max shoots Le Moco dead]
Chief: Max. Max, where are you?
Maxwell Smart: Right here, Chief. That's Le Moco on the ground. Tear off his beard.
[the Chief tears the the fake beard off Le Moco]
Agent 498: That's Le Moco alright.
Chief: Good shooting Max, you got him.
Agent 498: Get him a glass of water.
Chief: He's dead, it wouldn't help.
Agent 498: It wouldn't hurt.

Agent 498: And you, Smart, I feel towards you like I feel towards my own brother-in-law.
Maxwell Smart: Brother.
Agent 498: No, brother-in-law. I don't talk to my brother.

Agent 498: And if any of you ever get to my country, be sure and give me a call; I'll be happy to show you around.
[grabs his card]
Agent 498: You can eh, you can reach me at that number.
Maxwell Smart: [reads the card] Oscar's delicatessen. Say, that's a great idea, using a delicatessen for a front.
Agent 498: What front? That's the business we're in. We only do spy work during our slack season.

Chief: [Wanting Max to check for possible poison in the Prince's food] Taste the coffee.
Maxwell Smart: No thanks, Chief, I don't drink coffee, it keeps me awake.
Chief: Taste it Max, that's an order!
Maxwell Smart: [Takes the cup and saucer] Wait a minute, Chief, what if this coffee is poisoned?
Chief: Then it won't keep you awake.

Chief: Max, come here.
[Max steps forward]
Chief: Now which one is the prince?
Maxwell Smart: Uh, I'm not sure Chief, but there is one way to find out.
Chief: How?
Maxwell Smart: Number 1, what's your name?
Le Moco: [Impersonating the Prince] My name is Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell Smart: Number 2, what's your name?
Prince: My name is Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell Smart: Number 3?
Agent 498: Hm?
Maxwell Smart: How many wives do you have?
Chief: Max, stop it. There is only one way to find out who is really the prince.
Maxwell Smart: Right, Chief. Will the real Prince Abu Ben Bubee step forward?
Chief: No, Max! The real prince is the one with the real beard. I'll start with number 1.
[They get into a tackle not long before Max gets out of it and manages to shoot Le Moco]

Maxwell Smart: [Max enters his apartment and finds the Prince, Le Moco and Agent 498 all wearing the same clothing] Prince, your highness, hello Bubi. Wait a minute. There's something very wrong here.
Le Moco: [Impersonating the prince] One of those two men is Le Moco, quick give me the gun.
Prince: Don't do it, he's Le Moco.
Maxwell Smart: Who are you?
Prince: I am Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell Smart: How do I know your not Le Moco?
Agent 498: You can believe him, Smart.
Maxwell Smart: And who are you?
Agent 498: I'm Agent 498.
Maxwell Smart: Oh no you're not, I just left Agent 498 a few hours ago, and he hasn't even started to grow a beard.
Agent 498: Well we know you're Maxwell Smart.
[the Prince and 498 nod in agreement]
Maxwell Smart: Don't confuse me.
Le Moco: [Impersonating Max] Yes? How do you know I'm not Maxwell Smart?
Maxwell Smart: Hey, that's very good. What other impressions do you do?

Chief: [after the Chief receives a call from YENTA, he sits down looking worried]
Maxwell Smart: What's the matter, Chief, bad news?
Chief: Le Moco.
Maxwell Smart: Le Moco?
Chief: He's KAOS's top assassin. He's just been given the assignment of killing the prince.
Maxwell Smart: I'll be ready for him, Chief.
Chief: Max, Le Moco is no ordinary assassin, he's fiendishly unpredictable, and a master of disguise and voice impersonation. In 27 assignments he has never failed yet.
Maxwell Smart: That's quite a record. His parents must be very proud of him.
Chief: He doesn't have any parents, Max. They were his first assignment.

Maxwell Smart: Oh Chief, what time does 498's plane arrive?
Chief: [Chief looks at his watch] In exactly 15 minutes.
Maxwell Smart: 15 minutes?
[Max looks at his watch]
Maxwell Smart: Why did YENTA wait so long to call?
Chief: They work on a limited budget, Max, they have to wait until after 6 o'clock for the long distance rates to change.
Maxwell Smart: Lucky they didn't drop us a postcard.

Maxwell Smart: [At the airport, Max and 498 fail to catch Le Moco, having slipped through without being noticed] Le Moco loose in the city and the prince is a sitting duck. Come on, my car's right outside, we'd better get back to headquarters immediately.
Agent 498: I'll be with you right away, I have to call Tel Aviv.
Maxwell Smart: Tel Aviv? Now?
Agent 498: I promised my mother I'd call her the minute I arrived. She worries.

Agent 498: Wait a minute, aren't you going to ask, "how was your flight"?
Maxwell Smart: Alright, how was your flight?
Agent 498: Don't ask.

Agent 498: I'll use my "shh".
Maxwell Smart: What's a "shh"?
Agent 498: It's what you call a silencer.

Chief: With all that rolling and scuffling around, how did you know Number 2 was Number 2?
Maxwell Smart: Eh?
Chief: How did you know it was Number 2?
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well that was just a lucky guess.

Chief: Max, we've learned that one of the prince's wives is a KAOS agent.
Maxwell Smart: Which one is it?
Chief: Well, we don't know, it could be the tall, exotic one, it could be the short, voluptuous one, it could be...
Maxwell Smart: I'll check them all out immediately, Chief.
Chief: Max, he has 33 wives.
Maxwell Smart: So, it'll take a little time.


"Get Smart: Casablanca (#2.6)" (1966)
Airport Policeman: Pardon, monsieur, are you perhaps an American tourist?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Tremendous guess!
Airport Policeman: Well, you are dressed a little strangely. After all, the eh, temperature here is 101 degrees.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Oh really? Well I find it quite chilly.
Airport Policeman: I find that hard to believe, monsieur.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Would you believe comfortably cool?
Airport Policeman: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: How do the words "heat prostration" grab ya?

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: What am I going to get in your dressing room that I can't get here?
Agent 99: Me.

Maxwell Smart: 13, what did you see?
Agent 13: [hiding in a locker chewing a sandwich and drinking milk] Nothing, I'm on my lunch break.
Maxwell Smart: A man has just been murdered, doesn't that mean anything to you?
Agent 13: Not from twelve to one.
Maxwell Smart: Listen, 13, if you don't straigten up and fly right, I'm gonna see to it that on your next assignment you're put inside of an incenerator.

Bubinski: [Bubinsky the cabbie accuses Max of being the Choker] He's got killer's eyes!
Maxwell Smart: I have not!
Chief: That will be all, Mr. Bubinsky.
Bubinski: Sure you don't wanna cab?
Chief: No.
Bubinski: How 'bout you, killer?
[Max raises his fist]

Maxwell Smart: Well if there's anything I don't need at this time Chief, it's a restfit. I personaly want to avenge the death of my very good and dear friend doctor... whathisname.

Maxwell Smart: [Max has been forced to take a vacation] Ok Chief, Ok. But just remember this: you'll be left all alone without my experience and know-how. You'll be making hundreds of decisions without my advice.
Chief: And loving it.

Maxwell Smart: [impersonating Humphrey Bogart] Look, buster, you know what's gonna happen if Sophia sees me talking to you? He's gonna slap my teeth out, then kick me in the stomach for mumbling. Now get lost.

Maxwell Smart: Play it again, Sam.
Maxwell Smart: My name ain't Sam.
Maxwell Smart: Don't confuse me, I'm new in Casablanca.

# 99: What are you looking for?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I could say the Maltese Falcon, but you'd never believe me.

# 99: Max, you're alright!
Maxwell Smart: Yes. He fell for the old false neck trick.

Chief: This false neck is an ingenious device, Max. Who made it for you?
Maxwell Smart: The ingenious device department, Chief.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Doctor. Don't move a muscle.
Dr. Pliny: Why not?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: That's a fountain pen you're holding.
Dr. Pliny: You security men don't miss a thing, do you?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: All public buildings are supplied with ballpoint pens, not fountain pens. It takes a trained eye like mine to detect a thing like this. One tap of this point and you could have been blown to bits. Now watch carefully while I remove the detonator.
[He starts to take the pen apart]
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Now, do you know what we're going to find in this rubber tube?
[Ink drips out of the tube onto the documents on the desk]
Dr. Pliny: [who's unimpressed by 86's deductions] Ink?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Right. We'd better get out of here fast, because that ink might activate the paper.


"Get Smart: The Return of the Ancient Mariner (#4.8)" (1968)
Chief: [Max and the Chief show each other their special agent badges] Who wrote Little Women?
Maxwell Smart: Lonely little men. Who do you love?
Chief: I wanna to be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you.
Maxwell Smart: I wanna be loved by you, you-ooh-ooh.
Chief, Maxwell Smart: Boop-boop-bee-doo.
Maxwell Smart: Good morning, Chief.
[sits down on desk]
Chief: [sitting down in chair] Morning, Max. I'll certainly be glad when the security alert is over. I spend half my time learning new passwords and countersigns.

Maxwell Smart: Do we really have to be that careful just because the Chameleon is back in circulation?
Chief: Max, the Chameleon is the most insidious agent KAOS has. Remember, he can make himself look and sound like anybody in the world.
Maxwell Smart: Yeah, he's really teriffic. He can even do Frank Gorshin.

Chief: Max, aren't you going to say something to the Admiral?
Maxwell Smart: Who wrote Little Women?
Admiral Harold Harmon Hargrade: Louisa May Alcott.
Maxwell Smart: Wrong.
Chief: Max!

Maxwell Smart: Hold it, Larabee. Who wrote Little Women?
Larabee: Eh, the book or the picture?
Maxwell Smart: It was a book?

Maxwell Smart: [Max is not convinced 99 is really 99] Well, we're getting married on Saturday morning, and I warn you: if I find out on our wedding night that you're really the Chameleon, you're paying for half the room.

Maxwell Smart: [Max has asked Mr. Bob for some identification] Are you kidding me? This picture doesn't look anything like you.
Mr. Bob: That's my thumbprint.

The Chameleon: 86, the Chief -
Maxwell Smart: Hold it, hold it, Larabee. Who wrote Little Women?
The Chameleon: The play or the TV special?
Maxwell Smart: It was a play?

Maxwell Smart: [looking in the mirror] Alright, handsome, who wrote Little Women?

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, 99, how do we know it's not the Chameleon? We don't know the Chameleon's first name and we don't know Mr. Bob's last name. He could very well be Mr. Bob Chameleon.

Maxwell Smart: Of course. The old drug his prunes, fake the fight, ransack the apartment and switch place with the Admiral trick.

Agent 99: [Max is peeking through the front door peephole after a knock on the door... 99 enters] Max, is that Mr. Bob?
Maxwell Smart: I can't tell.
Agent 99: Well, is it a man or a woman?
Maxwell Smart: That's it, I can't tell.
Agent 99: Well, that's him!
[opens door]
Mr. Bob: [enters] Hi! I'm Mr. Bob!
Maxwell Smart: How do you do. I'm Mr. Max.


"Get Smart: Ship of Spies: Part 1 (#1.27)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: [a drunken sailor sits down opposite Max and starts slobbering from his glass] Careful. Some of it's getting in your mouth.

Contact Man: [the informer has been mortally wounded] Drink... please... drink.
Maxwell Smart: [Max grabs a glass of milk from a table] Here you are fellow, drink this milk.
Contact Man: [panting] Is it regular or skim?
Maxwell Smart: [Max takes a sip] It's regular. Go ahead, drink it.
Contact Man: Strict diet... only drink skim...

Maxwell Smart: You know Chief, I'll never forget the sound that killer made when he walked away. I'll recognize it immediately the next time I hear it.
Chief: What was it like, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well it was a kind of a clip-clop clip-clop.
Chief: Like a man with a special shoe?
Parker: Or a man walking with a cane?
Maxwell Smart: Or a man with very loose dentures.

# 99: [86 and 99 spot a third person making the same suspicious noise] He makes that clip-clop noise too.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. If this keeps up, that clip-clop noise is gonna to make the top of the charts.

Maxwell Smart: Listen 99, just remember this: a coward is a frightened man who's scared to be brave. But a brave man is only a coward who isn't scared to be frightened.

Maxwell Smart: [speaking on his gun-phone] 99, I'm gonna have to hang up now. I may have to fire my phone.

# 99: [sticking her head out a porthole] Maaaaaaaax! Where are you?
Maxwell Smart: I'm down here, 99!
# 99: Where Max?
Maxwell Smart: In the water!
# 99: What do you want me to do, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Have you got the Control files handy?
# 99: They're in my cabin!
Maxwell Smart: Get them!
# 99: [goes inside for a moment] I've got them!
Maxwell Smart: Look up my record!
# 99: Right here, Max, what do you want to know?
Maxwell Smart: [struggling to stay afloat] Did I pass the Control swimming test?
# 99: [looks it up] Noooooooo!

Maxwell Smart: [# 44 is hanging outside the porthole to Max' cabbin on the Evening Star] Nice to see that you're here backing me up. How far out are we?
Agent 44: Oh, about twenty miles.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, how can you tell?
Agent 44: Well this is my fifth trip, you get so you can recognize the signs.
[a wave crashes over him]
Agent 44: The temperature of the water, the kind of seagulls, the number of fish around.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, are there fish around?
Agent 44: Sure, take a look.
[scoops over so Max can look out the porthole to see a couple of menacing fins sticking out of the water]
Maxwell Smart: Oh yes, I see them. Quite a bit of them, too. What are they?
Agent 44: Sharks.
[Max does a double take]
Agent 44: There's nothing to worry about. There just waiting around for something to eat.
Maxwell Smart: Like what?
Agent 44: Like me.

# 99: [speaking to Max by Revolver Phone] What's happening, Max?
Maxwell Smart: [on the fog-shrouded deck of the ship] Well, I can see a light.
# 99: What is it?
Maxwell Smart: Well, it must be the bridge. I can just barely make out someone standing up there.
# 99: That must be Captain Groman.
Maxwell Smart: Uh huh. Well, now there's someone standing right next to him.
# 99: That must be Captain Groman's Oriental servant.
Maxwell Smart: So *that's* Groman's Chinese.

Parker: [describing the layout of the ship Max is due to travel on] Well, the Evening Star's cargo is divided into two compartments. In this compartment, there are about 900 tons of bananas.
[his expression becomes serious]
Parker: Oh, boy. If this wall in between the bananas and the other compartment ever breaks down, there'll be real trouble.
Maxwell Smart: Why? What's in the other compartment?
Parker: 3,000 monkeys.
Maxwell Smart: 3,000 monkeys?
[Parker nods]
Maxwell Smart: Now, wait a minute, Professor Parker. How many bananas would that be to a monkey?
Parker: Oh, well, it would depend on how hungry each monkey would be and...
Maxwell Smart: Well, wouldn't it also depend upon how large the bananas were?
[Parker nods in agreement]
Maxwell Smart: Then if the monkeys...
Chief: [breaking in] Gentlemen, forget about the monkeys!

Parker: [discussing how Max will be contacted] Possibly with this.
[He stands, holding out a gun]
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well, I certainly hope the message doesn't reach me.
Parker: Oh, this is no ordinary gun, Smart. This is a very cleverly disguised radio telephone. Here, let me show you.
[He passes the gun to Max and picks up another one]
Parker: What's the number on your handle?
Maxwell Smart: 652.
Parker: [breaking open his gun and dialling into the bullet chamber] Okay. Six... five... two.
Maxwell Smart: [his gun starts ringing] Well, what happens now?
Parker: Break it and talk into the handle.
Maxwell Smart: [he does so] Hello?
Parker: [cheerfully] Hello!
Maxwell Smart: Oh, is that you, Parker?
Parker: Yes, indeed. Is that you, Smart?
Maxwell Smart: Yes. How have you been?
Parker: Oh, just fine, just fine, and you?
Maxwell Smart: Oh, pretty good, pretty good. Certainly is nice talking to you. Listen, Parker, there's a question I'd like to ask you.
Parker: Shoot.
Maxwell Smart: Now...
[he does a double-take about what Parker's just said]
Maxwell Smart: Now about the bananas. If each monkey...
Chief: [who's been watching them with increasing impatience] Gentlemen, you're doing it again! Let's get on with the briefing!
Maxwell Smart: [Both Max and Parker look rather put out by the Chief spoiling their fun] Right, Chief. Parker, there's one thing that bothers me. This makes an awfully loud ring. What if you want to phone someone quietly?
Parker: Well, use your silencer.


"Get Smart: Anatomy of a Lover (#2.1)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: You can't destroy Hymie, Hymie's my friend.
Chief: Max, this friend just broke through my office door, smashed my desk to pieces, and almost strangled me with his bare hands, how do you explain that?
Maxwell Smart: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Maxwell Smart: [Max has been ordered to disassemble Hymie] Why I can't do that to Hymie, Chief, Hymie is my friend. Why, he saved my life once. He's like a brother to me.
Chief: Max, Hymie is a cybernaut.
Maxwell Smart: What's his religion got to do with it?

Hymie: The last thing I remember I was in the lab oiling my teeth.
Maxwell Smart: Oiling your teeth?
Hymie: I oil my teeth twice a day and see a mechanic every six months. I have a tendency to rust.

Maxwell Smart: Hymie, where is my cigarette?
Hymie: I put it in my pocket.
Maxwell Smart: You put it in your pocket. May I ask why you put it in your pocket?
Hymie: It was getting the ashtray dirty again.

Maxwell Smart: Will you stop cleaning, following me around and picking up, you're beginning to get on my nerves.
Hymie: I'm programmed for neatness.
Maxwell Smart: Well I'm programmed for sloppiness and that's the way I like it.

Maxwell Smart: You think that I would resort to deliberate lies, deceit and disobedience?
Chief, Kirsch, Phelps: Yes.
Maxwell Smart: Well how about this...

Maxwell Smart: Phoebe, I want you to forget about Hymie.
Phoebe: But uncle Max, I think I'm in love with him.
Maxwell Smart: But Phoebe, you don't know anything about him. You don't know anything about his background and believe me, it's a strange one.
Phoebe: I wouldn't care if he came from a... junkyard.
Maxwell Smart: Funny you should put it that way.
Phoebe: Besides, a man's background is not important, it's what's inside that counts.
Maxwell Smart: Would you be surprised...

Maxwell Smart: Look Phoebe, I didn't want to tell you this but it's for your own good
[checks if no one is listening]
Maxwell Smart: Hymie is a cybernaut.
Phoebe: Uncle Max, I'm ashamed of you. A person's religion doesn't make any difference.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Kirch, you're talking with a foreign accent.
Kirsch: I am not. I am speaking perfectly. As spy in Control I had foreign accent.

# 99: But Max, I don't understand. I thought Kirch had complete control over Hymie.
Maxwell Smart: He did, 99. But Hymie's programming for neatness was stronger than his programming for evil.

Chief: My niece in love with a robot?
Maxwell Smart: Well, it's not so bad, Chief. It could've been a washing machine.


"Get Smart: A Spy for a Spy (#2.3)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: [reads message from the secret compartment in the Chiefs desk] In case anything happens to me, contact my superior: Zebra 642. We're gonna have to look this up in the Chief's special codebooks
# 99: [pushes button to reveal the codebooks behind fake books on bookshelf] Zebra, that's the blue book.
Maxwell Smart: [Carlton reaches for the blue book] The blue book is the one with the green cover.
Carlson: Since when does a blue book have a green cover?
# 99: Max worked it out with the coding section. In case of a KAOS infiltrator every book has a cover identity.
Maxwell Smart: You see we have a cover for a cover.
Carlson: [reading from the book] It says: see green book.
Maxwell Smart: The green book is the one with the blue cover.
# 99: Max couldn't throw away a perfectly good book cover.

Siegfried: [on phone] Schmart!
Maxwell Smart: [on the other line] What happened?
Siegfried: Your Chief was just silenced by a pistol butt.
Maxwell Smart: Well that's a little drastic, isn't it, Siegfried? Couldn't you have just shushed him?
Siegfried: We don't shush here!

Maxwell Smart: Here, I have my suicide pill. It's raspberry this month. Wanna try it?
Siegfried: [handling the pill] No thanks.
Maxwell Smart: Go ahead, it's not habit forming.
Siegfried: No.
Maxwell Smart: Where's your suicide capsule?
Siegfried: [holds up left hand] This is my suicide ring. I will have to keep it on.
Maxwell Smart: A suicide wedding ring? How does that work?
Siegfried: Through my wife. She told me if I ever take it off, she'll kill me.

Maxwell Smart: [to Siegfried] If you're so smart, how come you lost two world wars?

Maxwell Smart: Oh, Max, please be careful. Carl Danker has killed 19 Control agents already and avoided capture every time. He's tricky and shows no mercy, Max. You'll be in extreme danger every minute.
# 99: And... loving it.

Maxwell Smart: You better give up, Danker, this building is surrounded by forty Control agents!
[Danker shoots a bullet from his briefcase gun]
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe thirty?
[another shot from Danker's case ricochets off the crate Max is hiding behind]
Maxwell Smart: One angry boyscout?
[Danker shoots again but misses completely]
Maxwell Smart: Girlscout?

Danker: [Danker is waving a flamethrower at Max] Now you'll get it the hard way.
Maxwell Smart: Have you ever used one of those things before, Danker?
Danker: No.
Maxwell Smart: Well, why don't I come back a little later after you've had time to practice?

Maxwell Smart: Eh, listen, I... I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about 'fathead'

Maxwell Smart: The old gun in the rabbit trick and I fell for it.

Maxwell Smart: The old lighter in the gun in the rabbit trick!

Maxwell Smart: [Max has just doublechecked if all the Control agents are on the bus] Yes, they're all here, Chief.
Chief: Then let's go.
Maxwell Smart: We can't.
Chief: Why not?
Maxwell Smart: Siegfried kidnapped our bus driver.


"Get Smart: Diplomat's Daughter (#1.2)" (1965)
The Claw: Very amusing, Mr. Smart. I suppose you can guess what they call me?
[holds up right arm, with a large horseshoe magnet for a hand]
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Lefty?
The Claw: No, Mr. Smart. I am employed by KAOS. The international organization of evil. My name is The Claw!
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: The Craw?
The Claw: No, not The Craw, The Claw!
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Ah yes, The Craw.

Maxwell Smart: [speaking into his shoe phone] Well, if you can't give me today's password, I'll accept the countersign or today's secret code number. My life may depend on it.
Chief of Control: [on the other line] Get in here, Max, or I'll personally tear you apart!
Maxwell Smart: That's good enough for me Chief, I'll be right over.

Chief of Control: Turn in your shoes, Max. I think the wrist communicator will be more effective.
Maxwell Smart: Gee whizz, Chief, I still have 16 message units left this month.

Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, where would you like to go?
Princess Ingrid: Your place...
Maxwell Smart: My place. Well, there's no real historical, er, significance to my place.
Princess Ingrid: Hmmm. there could be...

Maxwell Smart: The old picture in the keyhole trick. That's twice this month!

The Claw: Actually, the only girl we want is Princess Ingrid.
Maxwell Smart: Then why did you abduct the others?
The Claw: Unfortunately, Mr. Smart, all Americans look alike to us. We may be diabolical, but we are not perfect.

The Claw: Have you ever heard of the Chinese bamboo stalks under the finger nails torture?
Maxwell Smart: No, sounds pretty good, how does it work?

Maxwell Smart: Wrong pill. I think I've just poisoned the room.

Chief of Control: Come in, 86. I've got a new assignment for you.
Maxwell Smart: Right, Chief.
Chief of Control: It's a kidnapping case.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, good. Who do you want me to kidnap?

Chief of Control: I've written the location of your contacts on this piece of paper. Be sure to destroy it.
Maxwell Smart: Right, Chief.
[Max takes the piece of paper and immediately burns it]
Chief of Control: No, no, no, Max! First memorize it, then destroy it!

Carleton: We've developed a new pair of shoes in the lab, 86. Notice the steel-enforced toes for kicking? And inside the heels, there are secret compartments containing our latest emergency pellets.
Maxwell Smart: Can I see it in a 10?
Chief of Control: Show him the pellets, Carleton.
Carleton: In the left heel compartment, there are two pellets. The smaller one is a concussion pellet. Now, if it's thrown up against something or activated by heat, it will blow a 10x15 foot room to smithereens.
Chief of Control: Now, Max, do you know what this larger pill is for?
Maxwell Smart: Larger rooms.
Chief of Control: [rolls his eyes] Max, KAOS does have ways of making a man talk. If you are captured and if it looks really tough, this may be your one ace in the hole. This pill, when swallowed, will bring painless death in about twenty seconds. Are there any questions?
Maxwell Smart: How do I get them to take it?
Chief of Control: Let's get on to the next pellet.
Carleton: This... this pellet contains a very volatile liquid. When activated, it produces a thick protective smoke screen.
Chief of Control: Now, I'm assigning Agent 99 to accompany you on this one, Max. The princess has a reputation of being a little bit wild, and I think it'll take both of you to watch her and keep her out of trouble.
Maxwell Smart: [putting on the new shoes] Yes, well, I'm raring to go, Chief, just as soon as I get this shoe on.
[Max stands up and stomps his foot; smoke emanates from his shoe]
Maxwell Smart: Actually, Chief, I don't think I'll be needing the smoke pellet.


"Get Smart: Classification: Dead (#3.12)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: What are you, some kind of a nut that likes to see people die?
Mr. Hercules: Yes, it's such a marvelous contrast to my own splendid health.

Maxwell Smart: Well, how about a little of that wine I promised you? I had it imported. From Napa Valley, California.
Janet: Lips that touch wine will never touch mine.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well that might make drinking this a little difficult
[puts away bottle]

Janet: Mr. Smart, you are so handsome, so sophisticate. Je t'adore.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, is it open?

Maxwell Smart: [looking at a showgirl in a skimpy outfit] That's Dr. Steel?
Chief: Yes. The chorus line is her cover.
Maxwell Smart: Not much of a cover, is it?
Chief: Max!
Maxwell Smart: Well, I'm not dead yet, Chief.

Dr. Steel: One must not hurry the process of scientific research, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell Smart: Well would one remember that one is going to die at one o'clock tomorrow afternoon and I'm the one who's the one?

Maxwell Smart: There's nothing that can be done. At one o'clock Maxwell Smart will be dead. Only his legend will live on.

Maxwell Smart: Is one of your customers a girl?
Proprietor: [nods] Sometimes.
# 99: Describe her, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Well, I really didn't pay that much attention to her, 99. Let's see, she was about 5 foot 6, eh, soft blond hair, 38, 23, 36 measurements, deep blue eyes and delicious lips.
# 99: Max! She tried to poison you.
Maxwell Smart: Well it's not all gravy, you know.

Maxwell Smart: Gentlemen, this fight will have to be short. I have less than 10 minutes. And I have nothing to lose.

Mr. Hercules: What'll it be? Carrot juice, onion juice or farkelberry juice?
Maxwell Smart: Farkelberry juice?
Mr. Hercules: From the bark of the farkelberry tree.

Maxwell Smart: Chief, what happened? Did I die?

Maxwell Smart: [Max has been handed Dr. Steel's bill] 48 dollars? For what?
# 99: For your life, Max!
Maxwell Smart: But she works for Control!
Chief: She developed this on her own time, Max.
Maxwell Smart: But this is ridiculous. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. I'm not paying this bill, 48 dollars, that's out of the question. Forget about it. I wouldn't pay it if my life depended on it.
Chief: It does Max, you have to take another dose of this tomorrow and she had to give it to you if you're to complete your cure.
Maxwell Smart: 99, do you have 48 dollars you could let me have until pay day?


"Get Smart: School Days (#1.3)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: When the moon is full, the tide is high.
Mrs. Green: You must want the spy school. That's next door.

Agent 99: And best of all, Max, the security of our espionage school hasn't been violated.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: That's right, 99, there's nothing more important than security, nothing. Why without security, none of us would be safe.
Man: Excuse me, is this Mrs. Green's house?
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: No, that's the spy school, Mrs. Green's house is over there.

Agent 99: You'll be in extreme danger every minute.
Maxwell Smart: ...and... loving it

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: [posing as Alexander Loomis] New eh? And British. What was Micky Mantle's batting average in 1961?
Hillary Gainsborough: I eh, I don't know...
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Correct. Because if you did know, you'd be American, not British. A new trainee can't be too careful.
Dean Watson: Smart!
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: No, Loomis.

Hillary Gainsborough: Are you familiar with Karate?
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Are you kidding? Why, Karate happens to be one of my favorite hobbies. Why, with one perfectly timed chop of my hand I can break eight boards this thick, would you believe it, eight.
Hillary Gainsborough: I find that very difficult to believe.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Would you believe seven?
Hillary Gainsborough: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: How about a loaf of bread?

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: This is a jokebook with every East Himalayan joke. All six of them.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Well, there you have it, gentlemen, another wonderful theory down the drain.

Hillary Gainsborough: Are you accusing me on this flimsy evidence?
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: No, I have some more flimsy evidence!

Maxwell Smart: Well, there was this East Himalayan traveling salesman, see, and his ox-cart broke down in front of a farm house. Well, he went up and he knocked on the door and the farmer opened the door. And the traveling salesman said: 'Oh oh oh hey, mahu, savali naaneh'. And the farmer replied: 'Aaka maaka soo soo'.
[laughs riotously]

Maxwell Smart: An East Himalayan bum walked up to me on the street one day and said: 'Ana hoho uni, aha awahi tiki'. And I said - what's the punchline?
[points at Dimitri]
Dimitri: I said: 'Yehi tajo gurka hama'.
Maxwell Smart: [Max checks the punchline in the East Himalayan joke book and begins to chuckle] That's very funny Dimitri.


"Get Smart: Hoo Done It (#2.8)" (1966)
The Contessa: I feel so safe with you protecting me, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Well, I don't like to boast, but of all the hundreds of people that I've guarded, I've only lost three.
[the Contessa opens her make-up compact and is immediately killed by a burst of poison gas]
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Would you believe four?

Maxwell Smart: Killed by an exploding birthday cake. 99, there's something funny going on around here.

Maxwell Smart: Max, this hotel gives me the creeps. Exploding birthday cakes, volcanoes. Why would anybody wanna come here?
# 99: Well for one thing 99, you can't beat the rates.

Maxwell Smart: Hi Hoo, how are ya?
Harry Hoo: Eh, not too happy, Mr. Smart.
# 99: What's wrong?
Harry Hoo: Well to be too happy is to invite trouble from Hawaiian god Kina-Hora.

Maxwell Smart: How come all your suits are exactly the same?
Harry Hoo: Oh, beg to differ. All have different styles!
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well I guess all Chinese suits look alike to me.

Harry Hoo: Sorry, but humble detective think you are lying.
Von Werner: And I think you are a fool.
Maxwell Smart: Now wait a minute, you can't talk that way to the world's greatest detective!
Harry Hoo: Eh, eh, control yourself, Mr. Smart. As Confucius say: stick and stones may break my bone but name will never hurt me.
Maxwell Smart: Confucius said that?
Maxwell Smart: As a child. And now, Von Werner, what are your hobbies?
Von Werner: Water polo, classical music und torture.

Maxwell Smart: Mr. Shurok, does the name KAOS mean anything to you?
Shurok: KAOS? The international organization of evil? Formed in 1904 in Bucharest? Designed to forment unrest and revolution around the world?
Maxwell Smart: Yes.
Shurok: I never heard of it.

# 99: [Max and 99 are preparing a raft] Max, there's a storm brewing. It's gonna be very dangerous to try to row to the mainland.
Maxwell Smart: I suppose so, but someones gotta get to the mainland and tell 'em that whe're stranded out here with a crazy maniacal KAOS killer.
# 99: I guess you're right. Goodbye, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Goodbye 99, and good luck.
[hands her the ore]

Maxwell Smart: [Gazzman, barely breathing, whisper something in Harry Hoo's ear] What is he saying?
Harry Hoo: He says your knee is on his chest.
Maxwell Smart: Sorry about that.

Maxwell Smart: Of course. A pinch of casteroid potassium, a deadly poison.
Harry Hoo: I do not understand why Von Werner did not notice casteroid potassium in tea?
Maxwell Smart: How could he? It tastes like any one of a thousand other poisons.
Harry Hoo: [pause] Amazing...


"Get Smart: The Greatest Spy on Earth (#2.10)" (1966)
Agent 99: Max, that knife missed you by inches.
Maxwell Smart: You think it's some kind of a warning?

# 99: Poor 51, what a way to go. With a knife in his back in a ridiculous gorilla suit.
Maxwell Smart: Well, that's showbusiness.

Carlson: We've developed this special equipment. Inside this camera is a hidden tape recorder. And this tape recorder actually conceals a hidden camera!
Maxwell Smart: May I ask you a question, Professor Carlson?
Carlson: Certainly.
Maxwell Smart: Eh, why hide a tape recorder in a camera and a camera in a tape recorder? Why not just take pictures with the camera and record with the recorder?
Carlson: Because my mind doesn't work that way, that's why.

# 99: Max, look.
[gasps]
# 99: He's been shot in the back at close range.
Maxwell Smart: Hm. Committed suicide.
# 99: That's impossible Max.
Maxwell Smart: Hm. You're right, there's no gun.

# 99: Ehm, do you happen to know anything about diamonds, Hondo?
Hondo: Hondo can crush diamonds with teeth.
Maxwell Smart: What kind of a trick is that?
Hondo: Expensive.

Chief: [on phone] Now, you're just going to have to go in there and face those viscious, hungry, man-eating lions. But Max...
Maxwell Smart: [on other line] Yes Chief?
Chief: Don't take any unnecessary risks.

Maxwell Smart: All right, Hondo. I'm used to dealing with big ugly apes with you...
[Max punches Hondo three times in the stomach, gives a karate chop to the right shoulder and slugs him across the face. Hondo doesn't budge]
Maxwell Smart: [Max puts his arm around Hondo] Eh... listen Hondo, I eh, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the ape...

Maxwell Smart: Listen, 99. In case I don't get out of this alive and you do...
# 99: [upset] Max, you will get out of this alive!
Maxwell Smart: Well just in case I don't, 99, I'd like you to do me a favor. I don't want a big funeral. I... I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and... try to bring me back to life.

Maxwell Smart: Missed me by that much... twice!

Maxwell Smart: [the Chief is disguised as a circus clown] Chief! So this is what you do at night!


"Get Smart: Aboard the Orient Express (#1.13)" (1965)
Chief: [looking at slide # 4, a deceased Agent 85 aboard the Orient Express] Your conclusion, 86?
Maxwell Smart: Suicide, Chief.
Chief: Suicide?
99: But Max, he was gassed!
Maxwell Smart: Well, I don't know anything about his drinking habbits 99, but there's a suicide note on the floor.
Chief: That's his ticket.

99: [looking at slide # 5, a bond in a bikini] Who is that?
Maxwell Smart: George Robinson, Kaos agent, Hawaiian branch.
99: Fabulous disguise.
Maxwell Smart: I saw through it in only one minute. Would you believe it? One minute.
99: I find that very difficult to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe... two minutes?
99: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about our fourth date?

The Countess: [holds up a bottle of wine] Bouchelet, 1957.
Maxwell Smart: [holds up his paper cup] Dixie cup, 1965.

Ernst: [having been stabbed in the back] Afraid I'm going to pack it in, old man.
[slumps]
Maxwell Smart: [shakes his shoulder] I say...
Ernst: [looks up] Hmm?
Maxwell Smart: Who is Krochanska?
Ernst: Don't think I'll live long enough to say... pity.
[packs it in]

Maxwell Smart: Eh, I'm sorry about this mess, conductor.
Train Conductor: It happens all the time on the Orient Express. You think this is bad, you should see compartment 13.

Maxwell Smart: I had to destroy the first message. Do you have a copy?
Agent 44: Well you know 86, secret message paper doesn't grow on trees...

The Countess: I am the Countess Rifchevsky.
Maxwell Smart: I am the Maxwell Smart.

Maxwell Smart: Krochanska made a try for the briefcase.
99: Then you know who Krochanska is.
Maxwell Smart: I'm almost positive, 99.
99: Who, Max?
Maxwell Smart: It's somebody on this train.
99: Yes, but who?
Maxwell Smart: The countess. Would you believe it? That lovely countess.
99: I find that very hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: The porter?
99: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: The conductor.
99: No.
Maxwell Smart: The engineer.
99: Uh-uh.
Maxwell Smart: How about the dog?
99: Max!
Maxwell Smart: Well, it's gotta be one of them, 99. There's nobody else left.

Chief: Now this briefcase must be gotten to B12 somewhere in the Balkans.
Maxwell Smart: Why it's beautiful, Chief, and it's real leather too. Do you think he'll like it.
99: Max, it contains a half million dollars.
Maxwell Smart: He'll love it.

Maxwell Smart: Oh yes, I remember now, a wrong key in this lock will set off an electrical charge of 5000 volts.
Dr. Minelli: And of course, the noise will bring help running.
Maxwell Smart: What noise?
Dr. Minelli: Your screams.


"Get Smart: Die, Spy (#3.25)" (1968)
KAOS Agent: I'm a sportsman. I'll let you pick the way you wanna die.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Ok, eh, how about old age?

# 99: Oh Max, the funeral of a double agent is a sad thing.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, particularly in this case. Johan was working for both KAOS and Control. Now part of him is up there and part of him is down there.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, 99, atrocities, cruelties and brutalities. the thing that we feared for so long has finally come to pass.
Chief: What's that, Max?
Maxwell Smart: ACB, the third spy network.

Maxwell Smart: What is your usual cover anyway?
Samuels: Would you believe a Jewish song and dance man?

Maxwell Smart: Well, what can I do for you, Miss, eh...
Tamara: Tamara.
Maxwell Smart: Tomorrow? I thought you wanted to talk to me today?
Tamara: I do. My name is Tamara. I'm a dancer.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well I'm sorry, we're not hiring any dancers today, Tamara.

Tamara: Tahday is supposed to go to the club Tonight. To defect, or die.
Maxwell Smart: And you want me to help you?
Tamara: Yes, you must come to the club Tonight and save Tahday.
Maxwell Smart: Alright, I'll come to the club tonight. What time tonight?
Tamara: Not tonight, today! The name of the club is the club Tonight.

Samuels: When the chick spots Kubacheck, she'll go into the dance of the seven veils.
Maxwell Smart: The seven veils, huh?
Samuels: If Kubacheck sits at table one, she'll take off one veil. If he's at table two she'll take off two veils and so on, through the tables, three, four...
Samuels, Maxwell Smart: ...five and six.
Maxwell Smart: Eh, what if he goes to table seven?
Samuels: The cops come in and close the place down.

Waiter: Never fear, for Allah is with me.
Maxwell Smart: Well, I wonder if you would ask Allah to bring the drinks over, we'd like to get something going here.

# 99: [Tamara has been shot] Is she?
Maxwell Smart: Yes 99, there's no Tamara.

Maxwell Smart: The old Chief in the brown beard and wig trick!


"Get Smart: Island of the Darned (#2.11)" (1966)
Agent 99: Oh, Max, how terrible.
Maxwell Smart: He deserved it, 99. He was a KAOS killer.
Agent 99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.
Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world.

# 99: Hans Hunter, wasn't he a high ranking Nazi?
Chief: He was at various times a Nazi, a communist, a member of the Mafia and is right now one of the top executives of KAOS.
Maxwell Smart: If there's anything I hate, it's a joiner.

Maxwell Smart: Chief, you've got to let me go after Hunter. I wanna get that madman no matter how dangerous it is. I don't care if he is one of the world's greatest killers. I don't care if he is a master of fiendish torture and death. I want 'im, Chief. You've got to let me have that assignment.
Chief: You've got it, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Of course, if you'd rather send someone else...
Chief: The job's yours, Max.
Maxwell Smart: I mean, I don't wanna force you into anything, Chief...

Maxwell Smart: [Carlson is demonstrating the A14 Mark II assinagrator] Well, that's fascinating, Professor, what does it do?
Carlson: Absolutely nothing. But in the event you are captured by the enemy, they'll be so intrigued by the way it works, you'll have time to escape.

Maxwell Smart: Just a minute, Hunter. You don't really think we'd be stupid enough to come here alone, do ya?
Hans Hunter: What do you mean?
Maxwell Smart: Just this. In a very short while, General Crawford and a hundred of his crack paratroopers will come crashing into this landing.
[Hunter begins to snicker]
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe J. Edgar Hoover and ten of his G-men?
[Hunter laughs louder]
Maxwell Smart: How about Tarzan and a couple of his apes?
Hans Hunter: [after another chuckle or two Hunter becomes serious] Get moving.
Maxwell Smart: Bomba the Jungle boy?

Hans Hunter: [touching the scar on his forehead] Have you ever heard of the great white rhino?
Maxwell Smart: That was done by the great white rhino?
Hans Hunter: No. This was done by a small blue convertible.
Maxwell Smart: The great white Rhino was driving a small blue convertible?

Maxwell Smart: Stay where you are, Igor. I'm warning you. One more step and I'll put a bullet right between those beady little eyes.
[Igor takes a step forward. Max pulls the trigger but the gun is empty. He hits Igor across the shoulder with the gun but Igor grabs the gun. Max punches Igor across the jaw but Igor does not budge]
Maxwell Smart: [Max puts his arm around Igor] Eh, listen Igor, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the beady eyes.

Hans Hunter: As you can see, Mr. Smart, my trophy collection includes one of almost every kind of animal... Except one. You. A homo sapien.
Maxwell Smart: Now just a minute, Hunter, I'm as normal as you are.
# 99: What about me, Hunter?
Hans Hunter: I have other plans for you, my dear. I hope that you will stay on here as my permanent... guest.
# 99: I'd rather take my chances in the jungle with Max.
Hans Hunter: Very loyal my dear, and very stupid.
Maxwell Smart: We're Control agents, Hunter. We're trained to be very loyal and very stupid.

Maxwell Smart: We're gonna build a pit. Then I'm gonna sharpen some stakes and put them in the bottom of the pit. Then we'll cover the pit over. Nobody'll know it's there. Then finally someone will jump into the pit and be impaled on the stakes.
# 99: I've heard of that, Max. It's called a Malayan man-trap.
Maxwell Smart: It is?
# 99: Uh huh. Do you think it will work?
Maxwell Smart: Well it all depends, 99.
# 99: On what?
Maxwell Smart: On whether or not Hunter is a Malayan man.

# 99: [hunting dogs are hot on Max and 99's trail] Max, listen! Do you know what that sound is?
Maxwell Smart: I'm not sure, but it will never make the top ten.


"Get Smart: Spy, Spy, Birdie (#3.22)" (1968)
A.J. Pfister: Won't you please sign my petition?
Maxwell Smart: I'm sorry, Mr. Pfister, but I can't sign that petition. Quiet is un-American.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, if you couldn't find Control, how did you know where to find me?
A.J. Pfister: Oh, I telephoned KAOS and they gave me this address.

A.J. Pfister: Oh please Mr. Smart, sign my petition.
Maxwell Smart: Eh... your petition, yes, well, it wouldn't do me any good to sign your petition, Mr. Pfister, you see I'm a spy, and my fountain pen is filled with invisible ink.

Maxwell Smart: I think I'd better have a talk with Mr. Siegfried.
Agent 99: Good thinking, Max, but how are you going to find him?
Maxwell Smart: Very simple, 99, I happen to know that Ludwig will be at the Smithsonian Institute at 9 am on Tuesday.
Chief: Max, who cares about Ludwig, what about Siegfried?
Maxwell Smart: Chief, you don't understand. 'Ludwig' is the KAOS codename for Siegfried and '9 am on Tuesday' is actually 11 am on Thursday.
Chief: [glances at watch] Well it's almost that time now. Max, you'd better get started for the Smithsonian right away.
Maxwell Smart: Chief, the 'Smithsonian' is the KAOS codename for park.
Chief: [shouting] Max, get going right away!

Siegfried: [Max has stopped at a traffic light] The world, the world is going to be destroyed in another 45 minutes, you schtupid! This is no time to stop for traffic lights!
Maxwell Smart: Well don't tell that to me, tell it to the pigeon!
[the pigeon they are following is perched on top of the traffic light]

Maxwell Smart: [the pigeon they are following is in a birdbath at the park] How do you like this? 20 minutes till doomsday, and he stops to take a bath.
Starker: I hope that he is not a she.
Siegfried: What difference does it make, Shtarker?
Starker: I may be a killer but I am not a peeping Tom.

Maxwell Smart: How do you like that? He invented a cuckoo with laryngitis.

Maxwell Smart: The ultimate weapon: kamikaze pigeons.

Siegfried: An ingenious device, Shmart. What is it?
Maxwell Smart: The old long-playing, high frequency, ultrasonic, stereophonic, strike the match against the sounding board trick. Works every time, Siegfried.


"Get Smart: Snoopy Smart vs. the Red Baron (#4.2)" (1968)
Chief: KAOS has destroyed almost 90% of America's potato crop.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I didn't know that, Chief.
Chief: It's been our government most closely guarded secret.
99: Well I can see why, Americans love potatoes.
Maxwell Smart: That's right, Chief. Potatoes are as American as pizzas or tacos.

99: Mother, you just call Max 'Max' and Max, you call mother 'mother'.
[they all sit down on a couch]
Maxwell Smart: Right, 99.
99's Mother: 99?
99: Oh, eh, Max and I have pet names for each other, heh, sometimes he calls me '99' and sometimes I call him '86'.
99's Mother: Isn't that cute. You can call me '38' if it isn't taken.
Maxwell Smart: No, no. No it isn't.

99's Mother: Did you have a nice chat with your shoe?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, yes well, I can explain that, mother...
99's Mother: Oh, don't bother, my husband used to always talk to his suspenders.
Maxwell Smart: He did?
99's Mother: Sometimes he'd talk to his belt. He was a very strange man but a good provider.

Maxwell Smart: Of course! The old airplaine in the haystack trick.

99: Max, it's Mr. Smith...
Maxwell Smart: It's the Red Baron.
Maxwell Smart, 99: [the man in question takes off his flying goggles] It's Siegfried!
Siegfried: You bet your sweet shoephone it's Siegfried. We meet again...

Maxwell Smart: So, Siegfried, you're the one that's responsible for trying to destroy the potato crop.
Siegfried: Exactly, but that knowledge will do you no good. You see, I'm going to shoot you both, push you in front of the spinning propellers und drop you from 18.000 feet! This is the last time we meet, Shmart!
Maxwell Smart: You mean you're not coming to the wedding?

Maxwell Smart: How did you know we were here, Chief?
Chief: I stopped by the house and 99's mother told me you were here.
99: You came just in the nick of time, Chief.
Chief: I would have been here sooner but she made me stop and eat first.

Maxwell Smart: You know, Chief, I've always wondered about that. How many potatoes are there in a crop?
Chief: Oh, it all depends. Four or five thousand bushels.
Maxwell Smart: Boy, that's a lot of crop.

Maxwell Smart: [hanging on to the wing of Siegfried's plane] Don't tell me you'd shoot an unarmed man in mid-air?
Siegfried: Of course I would.
Maxwell Smart: [shouting] I asked you not to tell me that!


"Get Smart: The Day Smart Turned Chicken (#1.8)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart: Now remember doctor, I want you to wipe everything from your memory.
Dr. Fish: Wipe everything from my memory. Eh... even my twelve dollars?
Maxwell Smart: Especially your twelve dollars.

Maxwell Smart: [talking to the Chief on his plant phone] Hello Chief? Max. Eh, listen chief, you know that dead cowboy I told you about?
Maxwell Smart: [pause] Yeah, well, he's dead again.
Maxwell Smart: [another pause] That's not nice, Chief.

Mrs. Dawson: Do you know what time it is, Mr. Smart?
Maxwell Smart: [thinking she has a sprained ankle] Yes, but I knew that you'd still be up with your ankle.
Mrs. Dawson: I'm rarely up without it.
Maxwell Smart: Now eh, I hope you didn't have to walk all the way to the door.
Mrs. Dawson: No, I took a bus from the living room.

Maxwell Smart: Mr. Ambassador, they're trying to kill you. The dead cowboy told me.
[pointing his finger at the Ambassador's chest for emphasis]
Maxwell Smart: They killed him twice!

Maxwell Smart: [having just learned the Chief's real first name] Thaddeus? Sorry about that, Chief...

Maxwell Smart: Well, your honor, my case is complete. This is your villain. This is your culprit
[the Cowboy draws a gun]
Maxwell Smart: and this is his gun.

Maxwell Smart: [the Cowboy is about to jump out of a window] Don't be a fool. It's five stories straight down to a hard pavement.
Cowboy: I'm in a hurry.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well, that is the quickest way down.

Maxwell Smart: [Cowboy has jumped from a window, certain there is a KAOS truck full of matrasses waiting for him below] Missed it by that much.

Maxwell Smart: Listen, I once knew a guy who had a knife in his heart, and lived, for 15 years! Would you believe it? 15 years!
Cowboy: That's hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe 15 minutes?
Cowboy: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about a pin in his nose?
Cowboy: You're just trying to cheer me up.


"Get Smart: Mr. Big (#1.1)" (1965)
Chief: Max, you realize that you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it.

Chief: Max, let me give you a quick briefing. First of all, do you know what this is?
[hands over a picture of Dante's Inthermo ray]
Maxwell Smart: I believe it's a photograph.

Maxwell Smart: Are you 99?
Six and half year old boy: No, I'm six and a half.

Maxwell Smart: [99 has taken off her chauffeur's cap] Why, You're a girl...

Maxwell Smart: Of course, that's it! Rubber trash! They're using it for camouflage.

Maxwell Smart: The old garbage trick, eh? That's the second time it's been pulled on me this year.

Mr. Big: [to Agent 99] I see that what your organization lacks in strategy, it more than makes up in loveliness.
Maxwell Smart: Thank you.

Maxwell Smart: You see the moment I suspected there was something wrong with this old scow, I immediately telephoned headquarters and I happen to know that at this very minute seven coastguard cutters are converging on this boat. Would you believe it? Seven.
Mr. Big: I find that pretty hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe six?
Mr. Big: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about two cops in a rowboat?

Maxwell Smart: Well, that's the end of Mr. Big. If only he could have turned his evil genius into... niceness.


"Get Smart: The Decoy (#2.7)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost twenty minutes.
Chief: I know, 86. The traffic.
Maxwell Smart: No, the seat belt. I can never get that darn thing unbuckled.

Agent 99: [on the verge of crying] I'm sorry Max, It's just that we've had so little time together.
Maxwell Smart: Well, it couldn't be helped, 99. After all, there are no holidays in the fight against evil.

Maxwell Smart: Don't worry, about me, there's no torture invented that could make me crack. I'm impervious to pain.
Chief: Good luck, Max
[they shake hands]
Maxwell Smart: Aah!
Chief: What's the matter?
Maxwell Smart: You squeezed my pinky!

Maxwell Smart: What are you so grouchy about today?
Agent 13: [hiding in a trash can] Because I didn't sleep a wink last night, that's why. Every time I dozed off somebody dropped garbage on me.

Maxwell Smart: There are worse assignments than this. I once knew an agent who was locked in a washing machine for three days.
Agent 13: That was me, 86!
Maxwell Smart: Yes, I forgot
Agent 13: I came out so wrinkled I had to iron my skin.

Maxwell Smart: Of course. The old gas bomb in the horoscope trick.
Hugo: Come on, let's get going.
Maxwell Smart: What makes you think I'm going with you?
Hugo: The old gun in the hand trick.
[reveals gun in his hand]
Maxwell Smart: Good trick!

Luden: Let's torture him.
Kimmel: No, that is not necessary. Mr. Smart is a reasonable man, are you not?
Maxwell Smart: I are not.

Maxwell Smart: 99, everything that I believe in, everything that I hold sacred, is based upon my believe in the honesty and nobility of my fellow agents. And that believe is unshakable, unarguable, and incontrovertible.
Maxwell Smart: [pause] Of course, I could be wrong.

Maxwell Smart: [under the influence of truth serum] Two times one is two. Two times two is four. Two times three is six. Two times four is eight. Two times five is ten. Two times six is twelve. Two times seven is... Two times seven is...
Luden: Fourteen, stupid!
Maxwell Smart: Two times seven is fourteen, stupid.


"Get Smart: Bronzefinger (#2.12)" (1966)
Agent 99: It's just that sometimes I wish you were just an ordinary businessman.
Maxwell Smart: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman.

Maxwell Smart: Boy, time really does fly. Do you realize, 99, that agent 54 will be 36 today? My gosh, it seems like only yesterday that 54 was 35.

Maxwell Smart: Would you believe that this painting has been compared to the works of Henri Matisse?
Van Cleff: No.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe Michelangelo?
Maxwell Smart: [Van Cleft does not reply] How 'bout Charlton Heston?

Maxwell Smart: I'll catch the thief who stole those paintings, or die in the attempt.
Van Cleff: Can you do... both?

Maxwell Smart: I've got to get out of here. I've got a appointment in the restoring room.
Agent 13: You're not seeing my little Dutch girl, are ya?
Maxwell Smart: Don't be ridiculous, of course not. My date is with Bronzefinger.

Bronzefinger: No, Mr Smart, it was none of them You see, I am...
[takes of his glove to reveal a bronze thumb]
Maxwell Smart: Bronzethumb!
Bronzefinger: Bronzefinger! A thumb is also a finger.

Bronzefinger: [86 and 99 are about to be bronzed] Goodbye, Mr. Smart. I'll be back in 3 minutes after it's all over. You see I cannot bare to hear a woman crying.
Maxwell Smart: How do you feel about a man screaming?

# 99: I wonder what Bronzefinger would have done with us, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, he probably would have sold us to some public park. Just think of it, 99, there we would have been, two bronze statues giving pleasure to thousands.
# 99: Thousands of art lovers?
Maxwell Smart: No, thousands of pigeons.

Maxwell Smart: [Max opens the Chief's wall safe] What's 13 doing in there?
Agent 13: The Chief said I've been out on field trips too long. So he gave me this nice, soft office job.
Maxwell Smart: It's awfully small. Tell me, 13, how did you get in there?
Agent 13: The Chief gave me the combination.


"Get Smart: Appointment in Sahara (#2.26)" (1967)
Chief: Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've ever gone on. You probably won't get back alive.
Maxwell Smart: If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time. I don't know the meaning of the word fear.
Chief: You'll have to parachute from six thousand feet.
Maxwell Smart: I think I just learned it.

Chief: Well, I'm sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night, but we're facing a terrible crisis, the possible destruction of the entire world.
Maxwell Smart: Well couldn't it have waited until morning?
# 99: What happened Chief?
Chief: KAOS has a nuclear bomb.
Maxwell Smart: Doesn't everybody?

Chief: All we know is that they threatened to wipe out the city containing our finest intellectual minds and greatest leaders.
Maxwell Smart: Well at least Washington is safe.

Chief: Max, have you ever jumped from a plane?
Maxwell Smart: Yes Chief, once, during the war.
Chief: When?
Maxwell Smart: Just before it took off for overseas.

Carlson: Here something you could eat in case of an emergency.
Maxwell Smart: Our uniforms?
Carlson: No, the buttons.
# 99: [tasting a bit of button] Hmm! Salted. Good!
Carlson: Yes, well, in extreme heat salt is essential to the diet. But be sure you don't eat the top button of the uniform, 86.
Maxwell Smart: Why?
Carlson: It's a geiger-counter. When you come close to where the missiles are buried it will start beeping.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, the old beeping button trick.

Maxwell Smart: [caught in a sand storm] Listen 99, I know this is a long shot, but I gotta ask ya anyway...
# 99: [shouting to be heard over the storm] What is it, Max?
Maxwell Smart: You don't happen to have a can of cold beer on ya, do ya?

# 99: [Max and 99 wake up in a tent] Max, where are we?
Maxwell Smart: [looking up to see two veiled women] Heaven?
# 99: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: Then it must been an Arabian Playboy club.

Hassein: Would you like a camel?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, no thanks, I'm trying to cut down.

# 99: [having just witnessed a nuclear explosion] Oh Max, what a terrible weapon of destruction.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. You know, China, Russia and France should outlaw all nuclear weapons. We should insist upon it.
# 99: What if they won't, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Then we may have to blast them. It's the only way to keep peace in the world.


"Get Smart: All in the Mind (#1.20)" (1966)
Chief: Max, be reasonable. How could a girl drown in a phone booth?
Maxwell Smart: How do I know? Maybe she couldn't swim.

Maxwell Smart: Are you a psychologist, Dr. Stueben?
Stueben: I'm the president of the psychologist society for mental health and adjustment through fulfillment.
Maxwell Smart: What kind of an organization is that?
Stueben: We're a hate group.
Maxwell Smart: A hate group?
Stueben: Oh, in the sense that we cure hate and fear. We hate hate. Hate it.

Stueben: I'm going to say a word, and then you respond with the first word that comes into your mind. Are you readdy?
[Max nods]
Stueben: Boy.
Maxwell Smart: Girl.
Stueben: Black.
Maxwell Smart: White.
Stueben: Win.
Maxwell Smart: Loose.
Stueben: Very good.
Maxwell Smart: Very bad.
Stueben: Stop!
Maxwell Smart: Go.
Stueben: No, no!
Maxwell Smart: Yes, yes.
Stueben: [Steuben puts his hands over Max' mouth to shut him up] All right?
Maxwell Smart: [Steuben releases Max and goes back to sit behind his desk] All wrong.

Dr. Braam: Now Colonel, this is probably the first time you ever had a psychiatric examination, right?
Maxwell Smart: Wrong.
Dr. Braam: Wrong?
Maxwell Smart: Right.
Dr. Braam: Right?
Maxwell Smart: Left.
Dr. Braam: Please...
Maxwell Smart: Thank you.

Maxwell Smart: [86 and 99 are trapped in a phonebooth that is filling up with water] 99, do you have change? All I have is a quarter.
# 99: Oh Max, use the quarter!
Maxwell Smart: Use a quarter for a ten cent phonecall? 99, if you throw your money around like that, you'll have nothing left for a rainy day.

Maxwell Smart: And so it must always end... for those who use the human brain for evil... instead of friendliness.

# 99: [trapped in a flooding phone booth] Max, the water is rising. What are we going to do?
Maxwell Smart: Take big swallows.

Maxwell Smart: Hello, operator? Now listen to me and listen carefully... I want you to get me a special Washington phone number. This is a top secret number. Only a few people know it. I want you to forget it the minute that I tell it to you. The number is 628-3097.
Telephone Operator: Oh, you want CONTROL. One moment, please.
Chief: Hello?
Maxwell Smart: Hello, Chief? Uh, this is Max. Uh, listen, Chief, you want to hear something funny? I'm drowning in a phone booth.
Chief: Drowning in a phone booth?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, Chief. You see, what I told you about Mrs. Sloan, that was right. She didn't... she didn't drown in the river.
# 99: Max, please tell him where we are.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, right, 99. Uh, Chief, I think we're gonna need... I think we're gonna need help in a hurry.
Chief: Where are you, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Uh...
[the call is cut off]
Telephone Operator: I'm sorry, your time is up. Insert ten cents more, please.
Maxwell Smart: But operator, I don't have any more change, and this is a matter of life and death.
Telephone Operator: That's what they all say, sir.


"Get Smart: Smartacus (#5.22)" (1970)
Chief: [on phone in office] Max, does the name Montague Leach mean anything to you?
Maxwell Smart: [on house phone in Roman Spa] It certainly does, Chief. He's the drummer with The Electric Hare.
Chief: No, Max, he's not a drummer with The Electric Hare.
Maxwell Smart: He left the group?

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief. Look: the old bug in the towel trick!

Maxwell Smart: The temperature in here is definitely getting too high.
Chief: Why do you say that?
Maxwell Smart: My locker key is melting!

Maxwell Smart: Chief, look at your toupee.
Chief: What's the matter with it?
Maxwell Smart: It's saluting.

Maxwell Smart: Of course, the Professor Peter Peckinpah all purpose anti-personnel Peckinpah pocket pistol under the toupee trick.

Maxwell Smart: [hiding in a hamper, trying to alert Larabee by phone] Chief, he hung up on me.
Chief: Max, now we've got to get out of here alive, if it's only to kill Larabee.

Maxwell Smart: Listen, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the big ugly gorilla.

Maxwell Smart: [during gladiator fight] Hey, watch it with that net! You're liable to get my sword tangled in it.


"Get Smart: The Little Black Book: Part 1 (#3.16)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [on regular phone at home] Listen, 99, are you free tonight?
# 99: [on phone in Larabee's office] Oh, well I'm sitting in for Larabee but he should be back soon. What did you have in mind?
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I don't know, I thought a few drinks, a little dancing, maybe a late supper.
# 99: I'd love that! Shall I pick you up as usual?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, well it's not exactly that way, 99, you see eh, there's a buddy of mine in town and eh, well he asked me if I could get him a date and I thought if you weren't doing anything tonight...
# 99: But Max...
Maxwell Smart: Oh, one more thing, 99, I wonder if you could get a girl for me while you're at it. Nothing special, about 5"2"", blond hair, blue eyes.
Maxwell Smart: [99 hangs up angrily] 99?

Maxwell Smart: Gina Mittusi. For heaven's sake, I haven't seen you in a long time.
Gina: We've never met, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell Smart: That long, eh?

Maxwell Smart: Max, pussycat!
Maxwell Smart: Sid, it's good to see you again. You haven't changed a bit, how long has it been now?
Sid Krimm: 15 years! You forgot? Seoul, Korea, 1952. Don't you remember? We said if we both lived through this we'd get together again, huh, pal? Well, we almost didn't make it.
Maxwell Smart: Yeah, that was a tough bar, Sid.

Maxwell Smart: [Sid has pressed a button making the ceiling net fall down on him and Max] Look Sid, you can go up in my bedroom and sleep in my bed, the sofa's a little tricky.
Sid Krimm: The sofa's a little tricky? What's in the bed, quicksand?

Maxwell Smart: Well, that's all I can tell ya, Sid. I work for the government and I'm on a secret mission. You believe me, don't ya?
Sid Krimm: I believe ya.
[picks up a book titled 'Spy stories that never grow old']
Sid Krimm: You read a lot of these spy books. Cloak and Dagger stuff.
Maxwell Smart: No more than anyone else who works for the government on secret missions.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Sid, those girls look like KAOS.
Sid Krimm: Yeah, yeah, chaos!
Maxwell Smart: You don't understand what I'm talking about, they look like spies.
Sid Krimm: Sure, sure they're spies. Maybe one of them will try to kiss me to death and I'll have to sign for help.

Maxwell Smart: Don't play dumb with me sister, I happen to be an expert at that.

Maxwell Smart: I don't understand you Sid, I'm a secret agent. I have to go. But what's your angle?
Sid Krimm: What do you mean what's my angle? I wanna defend my country too. And you happen to be my buddy. And besides, I happen to know that every secret agent gets all the broads.


"Get Smart: Viva Smart (#3.2)" (1967)
[repeated line]
Maxwell Smart: I asked you not to tell me that!

# 99: Max, since General Pajarito took over this country it's a very dangerous place.
Maxwell Smart: But we don't have anything to worry about, 99, we're not citizens, we're just spies.

Maxwell Smart: Herb Alpert takes trumpet lessons from Guy Lombardo.

# 99: I hope these disguises work, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Don't worry, 99, my own mother wouldn't recognize me. Of course I'm not expecting my mother today.

General Pajarito: [shouting] Leap! Leap! Do your famous leap!
# 99: [posing as the famous dance team Conchita & Conchata] What are they saying Max?
Maxwell Smart: He likes me. He likes me a heep!

Maxwell Smart: [having just heard a gunshot] What was that?
Guard: That was Lucky Francisco. He won the drawing today in the national lottery.
Maxwell Smart: And they shot him?
Guard: Si. That is the first prize.

General Pajarito: [Max, 99, Isabella and Don Carlos are facing a firing squad] My friends, we've come to the end of the road. It grieves me deeply to have to say goodbye to you. Especially to you, Isabella. We could have been so happy together.
Isabella: You pig! You dog! You rotten filthy swine, you low-life!
Maxwell Smart: Isabella, cool it. You wanna get us in trouble?

Maxwell Smart: [Max has inflated a raft instead of a balloon] Well, the way I look at it 99, there's only one thing that will save us.
# 99: What's that, Max?
Maxwell Smart: A river.


"Get Smart: The Little Black Book: Part 2 (#3.17)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: The old Maxwell-Smart silhouette on the window shade trick. That's the second time KAOS has fallen for it this month.

Sid Krimm: [Max has just killed three KAOs men with a single shot] Max! How did you get 'em all three?
Sid Krimm, Maxwell Smart: [Max holds up a gun with three barrels and one trigger] The old three way gun trick!

Sid Krimm: It's ok, Max, the cops are here.
Maxwell Smart: You got a lot to learn about the secret agent business, Sid. Thats the oldest trick in the world.
Sid Krimm: Oh, the old KAOS killers dressed up like cops in order to fool Control agents and old army buddy trick.
Maxwell Smart: Yeah, yeah, something like that.

Maxwell Smart: My father, my father never got me anything. The only thing he hever got me was a pair of long pants so I could go to work.

Maxwell Smart: The old gun in the maestro's baton trick.
[rolls eyes]
Maxwell Smart: that's the second time I fell for that this month.

Maxwell Smart: That's the second biggest silencer I ever saw.

Maxwell Smart: [Max and Sid are both chained to a wall] All right now, Sid, here's my plan.
Sid Krimm: Stop with your crazy plans. Can't you see I'm trying to faint?
Maxwell Smart: All right, I'll do it myself.
[lets go of false hands tied to chains]
Sid Krimm: Oh, the old false hands in the chain trick.
Sid Krimm: [Max grabs his belt-buckle and slides out a hacksaw] Oh, the old hacksaw in the belt-buckle trick.
Maxwell Smart: [Max rolls his eyes] Will you shut up?

Maxwell Smart: You know Sid, in a way it's kind of a shame.
Sid Krimm: What are you talking about?
Maxwell Smart: If he had only used his baton for goodness instead of evil.
[Sid rolls his eyes]


"Get Smart: The Girls from KAOS (#2.20)" (1967)
Miss U.S.A.: Mr. Smart, I'm in terrible danger, aren't I?
Maxwell Smart: Yes Tisha, but don't you worry about it, you're in good hands. You'll be protected 24 hours around the clock by a Control agent who is highly intelligent, extremely perceptive and absolutely fearless.
Miss U.S.A.: Oh.
Maxwell Smart: What's the matter?
Miss U.S.A.: Well I was hoping it would be you.

Maxwell Smart: Tisha, there's an organization of shrewd determined men who've been trying to get control of this country for a number of years. Perhaps you've heard of them?
Miss U.S.A.: Oh, you mean the Republicans?
Chief: No. We mean KAOS.
Miss U.S.A.: KAOS?
Maxwell Smart: Yes. a monstrous organization of evil, dedicated to the destruction of the free world and the systematic subjugation of every man, woman and child on this planet.
Miss U.S.A.: Oh, my daddy wouldn't work for them, he hates to see children subjugated.

Chief: Max, whatever you do, remember rule 5 of code 19.
Maxwell Smart: Eh... I've forgotten rule 5, Chief. But I know rule 6.
Chief: Rule 6?
Maxwell Smart: Yes Chief. Rule 6 states that all Control agents must memorize Rule 5 before proceeding to rule 6.
Chief: Max?
Maxwell Smart: Yes Chief?
Chief: Do the words 'get out' mean anything to you?
Maxwell Smart: Bye.
[gets up and leaves]

Miss U.S.A.: Golly, gee! That wasn't very nice, was it?
Maxwell Smart: No it wasn't. But I must say that you've handled yourself very well, Tisha. In the midst of all this violence and horror and deceit.
Miss U.S.A.: Well, after all it is my third beauty contest.

Miss U.S.A.: They're after me! They tried to kidnap me! Don't let them get me. Please, you must help me.
Maxwell Smart: There there, now. You're perfectly safe here. Now, why don't you just sit back here and relax and tell me who you are?
Miss U.S.A.: I... I'm Miss United States.
Maxwell Smart: [with a confused expression] Miss "United States"? That's an odd name for a girl.
Miss U.S.A.: Well, it's just my title. My real name is Tisha. I came to town for the beauty contest.

Chief: Uh, Miss Heinschmidt, do you think you could identify the men who tried to kidnap you last night?
Miss U.S.A.: I'm afraid not. It was dark. I couldn't see.
Maxwell Smart: Well, I can confirm that, Chief. Last night was a very dark night!

Miss U.S.A.: Gosh, Mr. Smart, you're too nice to be a secret agent.
Maxwell Smart: Well, there are good secret agents and there are bad secret agents.
Miss U.S.A.: There are? Well, what's the difference?
Maxwell Smart: Well, the good secret agents are on our side. The bad secret agents are on their side.

Maxwell Smart: I must say that you've handled yourself very well, Tisha, in the midst of all this violence and horror and deceit.
Miss U.S.A.: Well, after all, this is my third beauty contest.


"Get Smart: Kisses for KAOS (#1.17)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: You'll never get away with this, Savage!
Savage: Oh, why Mr. Smart?
Maxwell Smart: Because, at this very minute, 25 CONTROL agents are converging on this building. Would you believe it? 25 CONTROL agents!
Savage: I find that hard to beleive.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe 2 squad cars and a motorcycle cop?
Savage: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about a vicious street cleaner and a toothless police dog?

Maxwell Smart: [the intelligence report by way of a top secret relay rock proves inconclusive] Well, either our boys are lying down on the job, or this rock is a forgery.
Agent 99: No, that's the official Control rock, Max. Look.
Maxwell Smart: Oh yes, our name and address is on it.
Maxwell Smart: [reads inscription] If found drop in any mailbox.

Savage: [addressing #99] Good evening. I'd be honored to offer my assistance to someone so attractive.
Maxwell Smart: Why thank you, but it's the lady who's interested in buying a painting.

Chief of Control: [on phone] I hope you're not in Lovers Lane by yourself, it could draw attention to you.
Maxwell Smart: [on steering wheel phone] Don't worry Chief, I have my Inflato-Girl with me.

Agent 99: [Maxwell, posing as 99's butler, places a bowl of soup with a hidden camera in front of Savage] Try the soup, Rex, I think you'll like it.
Savage: What kind is it?
Maxwell Smart: Cream of Technicolor.

Maxwell Smart: They think just because we're on the side of good that we're soft. But what they don't know is that we're tough and hard and do a very nice job.

Maxwell Smart: Hello, Chief? Max. I'm in Lover's Lane. Listen, Chief, before I fill you in, I want you to give a message to Parker at the lab. Tell him there are a few adjustments needed on the steering wheel phone. Every time I turn the corner, I dial the operator.

Agent 99: Max, look at that Modern sculpture. It's made out of a dented hubcap, rusted fender, tin cans, nuts and bolts and a bicycle chain.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, he's given us man's eternal struggle against the universe out of a pile of junk.
Agent 99: What's it called?
Maxwell Smart: [reading a placard] "A Pile of Junk".


"Get Smart: Maxwell Smart, Private Eye (#3.5)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: Where's the Cone of Silence?
Agent 99: Max, we've leased it to the CIA.
Maxwell Smart: But that's ridiculous!
Chief: It's just for a short time. I'm sure Congress will reconsider our budget cut.
Agent 99: Well, why doesn't Congress cut the CIA's budget?
Maxwell Smart: How can they? Nobody knows what their budget is.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: I am Maxwell Smart, secret agent 86 of Control. I've been assigned to protect you.
Trinka: You seem familiar.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Yes, well, I've been guarding you ever since you got through the iron curtain.
Trinka: Of course. You were on the plane with me. You were the man seated across the isle reading a magazine.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: No.
Trinka: The man behind me with the dark glasses and the moustache?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: No.
Trinka: But I'm sure I saw you on the plane.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: I was the stewardess who fluffed your pillow.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: W Street, corner of 34.
Agent 34: [moonlighting as a cabdriver] Oh, you want Control secret headquarters.

Mrs. Weatherly: Are you Mr. Smart, the private eye?
Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: [impersonating Bogey] You said what?
Mrs. Weatherly: I'd like to talk to you Mr. Smart.
Mrs. Weatherly: All right, start talking.
Mrs. Weatherly: Alone.
Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: [to 99] Get out.
Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: [99 gives him a surprised look] ...Sweetheart.
99: [99 throws down a pencil and starts to leave] I'll be in the outer office. If you need me... just whistle.

Mr. Peter: Miss Trinka is a worrier. And she would only worry if she knew that we were worried.
Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: Don't give it another thought, gentlemen. I wouldn't want Trinka to worry that you were worried that she was worried. So don't worry.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: [opens car trunk] We're here, Miss Markoff.
Trinka: [hiding in the trunk of Max' car] What took so long?
99: Max had to make sure you were safe.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Yes, that's why I drove around town for three hours. No one could have possibly followed us here.

Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: The old Wilbur in the drape trick.
Wilbur: Get 'em up!
[Max and Trinka raise their arms]
Wilbur: [wearing extremely thick glasses] Are they up?

Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: It's alright if I have a last drink, Isn't it?
Mr. Peter: Of course. A man like you should die gallantly.
Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: That's the way I always die, fat man.


"Get Smart: The Mild Ones (#3.11)" (1967)
Chief: Max, I don't know what I'm going to do about you. You bungle assignment after assignment.
Maxwell Smart: I resent that, Chief.
Chief: Do you deny it?
Maxwell Smart: No, but I resent it.

Maxwell Smart: Listen, we got to talk to you.
Prime Minister's Aide: Do you have an appointment?
Maxwell Smart: An appointment? What are you talking about? You were just thrown out of a moving car, what happened?
Prime Minister's Aide: I'm sorry, I cannot give out any information unless it is first approved by our press secretary.
Maxwell Smart: Do you realize that you're dying?
Prime Minister's Aide: I'm sorry, I cannot give you any information about that either.

Prime Minister's Aide: Before they pushed me out one of them said 'fare thee well' and, eh 'get ye lost'.
Maxwell Smart: 'Fare thee well' and 'get ye lost'. Well, that narrows it down, 99.
# 99: To who?
Maxwell Smart: Richard Burton or Laurence Olivier.

Chief: This is the break we've been waiting for. The men we're looking for are the Purple Knights.
Maxwell Smart: Of course, The Purple Knights! The Purple Knights, it's got to be The Purple Knights. It's so clear now. Who else could it be but the Purple Knights? Eh, one question, Chief...
Chief, Maxwell Smart: Who are The Purple Knights?

# 99: [Max and 99 burst into Dee Dee's diner on a Harley] Max, I thought you were never going to break!
Maxwell Smart: I didn't, I ran outta gas.

Maxwell Smart: [Max, while crawling on the floor gets knocked down by a sleeping Purple Knight lying on a table] They even sleep mean!

Maxwell Smart: [Max is about to be drawn and quartered] I wouldn't be too sure about that because at this very moment, this entire area is being surrounded by a hundred highway patrolmen with Doberman pinschers.
Brute: Like I don't dig, man.
Maxwell Smart: Would you dig four deputies and a bloodhound?
Brute: Still don't dig.
Maxwell Smart: Then how 'bout a Boy Scout with rabies?
Brute: You don't grab me baby. Well, see you in other parts man. And I do mean parts.

Chief: The Beluvian prime minister is ready to resume his mission.
Maxwell Smart: That's wonderful, chief. What *is* his mission?
Chief: He's here to borrow 20 million dollars from our government. After what happened, we're lucky his country still wants to take our money.
Doll Baby: What would be so terrible if they didn't?
Maxwell Smart: I'm surprised at you, Doll Baby. If they didn't take our money, they'd have no reason to resent us. And if they didn't resent us, we would never really be sure they were our friends.


"Get Smart: Satan Place (#1.9)" (1965)
99: [Max has examined a few strands of hair, odd shaped piece of metal, a button and a piece of paper] What's your conclusion, Max?
Maxwell Smart: The Chief has been kidnapped.
Professor Windish: May I ask which one of these items led you to that conclusion?
Maxwell Smart: This innocent looking piece of paper.
99: Why Max, what is it?
Maxwell Smart: A ransom note.

99: [Max and 99 are counting the donations for the Help our Chief Fund] Wow, here's one for 500 dollars!
Maxwell Smart: 500 dollars! Now, that's great. Now we're getting some place. Who's that from?
99: The boys in counterfeiting.

99: Max, what's your plan?
Maxwell Smart: I'm going into that park.
Hodgkins: Alone?
Maxwell Smart: Alone.
99: But Max, you'll be in terrible danger.
Maxwell Smart: I know. Those parks are murder at night.

Maxwell Smart: Just as I thought: electric grass.

99: Max, why don't you try to contact headquarters.
Maxwell Smart: Hmm. That's a good idea, 99. I'll call them on my shoe and you breathe heavily on the Chief.

Maxwell Smart: [Two KAOS agents knock out Chief and drive away with him in his car; Max fails to notice] Hey, Chief, you forgot your luggage! Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Maxwell Smart: [Chief's car won't turn over] You know, I don't claim to be an expert on these things, but I'm willing to make a large wager that I know just where the trouble is.
Chief: Where, Max?
Maxwell Smart: In the engine.
Chief: [sarcastically] Good thinking, you wanna take a look there?
Maxwell Smart: Where?
Chief: In the engine!

Maxwell Smart: [as Max tunes the car, Chief is wrestling with a KAOS agent, whose gun goes off] You're getting a backfire!


"Get Smart: 99 Loses Control (#3.19)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [Max has two theater tickets] Oh, well you see 99, I was kinda hoping that maybe you might join me.
99: Oh Max, why couldn't you have asked me something like that months ago?
Maxwell Smart: Well I just got the tickets five minutes ago and I coudn't think of anybody else that would go Dutch.

Chief: [on phone] Max, where in the world are you?
Maxwell Smart: [on payphone] Well Chief, I thought I needed a little vacation so I came to St. Germain island.
Chief: St Germain Island? Max, I need you!
Maxwell Smart: Big assignment, eh?
Chief: No, you left with my car keys.

Maxwell Smart: So. It's Miss Hilton. Susan Hilton. I worked with you for five years and you never told me your name.
99: You never asked me.
Maxwell Smart: Susan Hilton. I don't like it. I like 99 a lot better.

Maxwell Smart: Hey waiter, what's that?
Room Service Attendant: Oh, it's a champagne supper for Mr. Royal and his American fiancée. Poor girl. When he starts operating she'll have as much chance as a draft card at a hippie love-in.
Maxwell Smart: You mean he's a ladies' man?
Room Service Attendant: Well let me put it this way: his little black book is in its 24th edition.
Maxwell Smart: So that's the kind of man he is.
Room Service Attendant: Yeah, all day, all night. I don't know how he does it. I couldn't pass the physical.

Maxwell Smart: [having found out Royal is working for KAOS] Well to tell ya the truth I'm a little surprised myself, 99. I knew he was a liar and a cheat but a spy!

Maxwell Smart: Imagine a Control agent married to a KAOS agent. Who would accept a mixed marriage like that?

Maxwell Smart: The old bulletproof cummerbund in the tuxedo trick.

99: Oh Max, you saved me from making a terrible mistake. You're wonderful.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, that's all right, Susan.
99: It's 99, Max. Susan isn't my real name.


"Get Smart: Ironhand (#5.2)" (1969)
Marco: KAOS has just been aquired by I.H. Industries.
Maxwell Smart: Of course, I.H. Industries. Who's I.H. Industries?
Marco: They're a very big conglomerate. They already own steel companies, airlines, oil companies and a chain of pizza parlors.
Maxwell Smart: With all that capitol behind them, there'll be no stopping KAOS.

Chief: KAOS broke in here and ransacked my office.
Maxwell Smart: But I don't understand, Chief. KAOS has never been able to penetrate Control headquarters before.
Chief: That'll give you some idea of what we're up against now. This man who took over KAOS is cunning, diabolical, ingenious.
Maxwell Smart: But there's one thing he's not.
Chief: What's that?
Maxwell Smart: Neat.

Maxwell Smart: What do you suppose KAOS was after, Chief?
Chief: I know perfectly well what they were after, what they've been after for several months now: the plans for the A.A.A.M.M.
Maxwell Smart: You're stammering, Chief.
Chief: I don't stammer!
Maxwell Smart: You always stammer when you get upset.
Chief: I'm not upset, when I said A.A.A.M.M., I meant the Anti-Anti-Anti-Missile Missile.
Maxwell Smart: See what I mean?

Chief: Now Max, you and 99 are to contact agent 44 at this adress: the Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar.
Maxwell Smart: Is that Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar?
Chief: No, no, no, Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar is on Balboa Boulevard. You're to go to Bunny Beebe's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar on Barnaby Boulevard.

Agent 44: [in baby carriage] Hello 86.
Maxwell Smart: Is that you, 44?
Agent 44: No, it's Spiro Agnew. Of course it's me. Who else would get a job like this?
Maxwell Smart: Spiro Agnew?

Maxwell Smart: Excuse me for laughing into your hand, Mr. Iron Face, but the plans that you're talking about happen to be on a plane on their way to a top secret location.
Ironhand: Where?
Maxwell Smart: Okanowa.

Maxwell Smart: Now how in the world did I end up with the same carriage I started off with?
Maxwell Smart: [thinks for a moment] I told 'em sixteen wouldn't work.

Ironhand: Let's not be foolish, Mr. Smart. I want those plans.
Maxwell Smart: You'll have to kill me first.
Ironhand: I was going to do that second.


"Get Smart: Maxwell Smart, Alias Jimmy Ballantine (#2.5)" (1966)
Chief: We're going to have to send a man in to infiltrate that barbershop. Now if we do it successfully, we'll be able to learn how KAOS finances their evil schemes.
Maxwell Smart: Maybe they're playing the stock market, Chief.
Chief: No Max, I don't think so. It's much more likely they get their money by robbery, extorsion and blackmail.
Maxwell Smart: You're probably right. A lot of people don't trust the market these days.

Maxwell Smart: Chief...
[slaps desk with his hand]
Maxwell Smart: I'd like to volunteer.
# 99: It sounds like a suicide assignment, Chief.
Maxwell Smart: I'd like to volunteer to find a volunteer.

Jimmy Ballantine: Now this kinda work needs long, sensitive fingers. They kinda run in my family. I got two brothers who are concert piano players.
Maxwell Smart: That's interesting. And you became a safe cracker.
Jimmy Ballantine: Yeah. Somebody had to support them.

Maxwell Smart: What have you learned?
Agent 13: [hiding in a barber shop towel warmer] I've learned to hate the spy business, that's what I've learned. All Control does is lock me up in solitary. I might as well be a KAOS man.
Maxwell Smart: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Agent 13: I'm sorry, 86. I didn't mean that. It's just when I signed up to be a secret agent I thought I'd be shot or stabbed - I never thought I'd be melted.

Dobring: If you are the real Ballantine, then perhaps you could answer a few simple questions.
Maxwell Smart: Shoot.
[turns to Rex who is pointing a gun at him]
Maxwell Smart: That's only a figure of speech.
Dobring: What was the date of the Brink's robbery?
Maxwell Smart: January 17, 1950. The take was 2,345,000 dollars.
Dobring: Who was the last man elected to the Underworld Hall of Fame?
Maxwell Smart: Willy Sutton. He was named on 91 per cent of the ballots.
Dobring: What was the nickname of the man who drove the getaway car in the Van Allen Heist?
Maxwell Smart: Can I ask you a question?
Dobring: Go ahead.
Maxwell Smart: Is two out of three passing?
Dobring: In this case yes, there was no Van Allen heist. Welcome to KAOS, Ballantine

Maxwell Smart: I sure hate a crook who can't be trusted.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief. If KAOS goes out of business, what happens to us?
Chief: Well, I guess the Control organization would be out of business too. There would'nt be any need for us.
Maxwell Smart: Well that's okay for you, you're an old man, you can retire on your pension. But what about me, I don't know anything but being a secret agent.

Maxwell Smart: [Max has accidentally locked the Chief in a safe] Don't worry, 99 I'm used to dealing with big babies like this, I'll have him out in two shakes of a lambs tail.
Maxwell Smart: [turns the lock and tries to open the door, nothing happens] Would you believe three shakes?


"Get Smart: The King Lives? (#3.14)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: This is the first time I've ever met a king face to face.
Chief: Not face to face, Max, when we enter we bow low and stay that way until we're told to rise.
Maxwell Smart: [fiddles with the arm of a suit of armor] Well I just hope that I don't have to bend over too long. When the blood rushes to my head I get a terrific headache.
Chief: There is such a thing as protocol.
Maxwell Smart: Is that anything like an aspirin?

Maxwell Smart: Half brothers are always called Basil.

Colonel von Klaus: A king is confident, determined, dignified, proud. His very manner inspires awe among the common folk.
Chief: A king is confident, determined, dignified, proud. His very manner inspires awe among the common folk.
[touching Max on the arm]
Chief: You look great Max.
[Max looks derisively at the Chief, who lowers his arm]
Maxwell Smart: [speaking in the manner of King Charles] You dare to call a king by his first name? Beware of your head, my friend.

Colonel von Klaus: From the moment you leave this train you'll be facing torture and death.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it.

Basil: [Max has dropped his monocle into his goblet] You dropped your monocle, Sire.
Maxwell Smart: [posing as King Charles] Yes. Well, fortunately I'm wearing my contact monocle.

Maxwell Smart: [posing as King Charles] Oh yes of course, the royal ball here at the capitol.
Princess Marta: No, it was at your summer palace.
Maxwell Smart: You wore a gown of white.
Princess Marta: No I wore blue that night.
Maxwell Smart: Ah yes, I remember it well.
Princess Marta: Then you and I slipped away from the crowd and went outside.
Maxwell Smart: We strolled the grounds.
Princess Marta: We walked your hounds.
Maxwell Smart: We stopped by the fountain for a kiss I think.
Princess Marta: We stopped by the well to give your dogs a drink.
Maxwell Smart: Ah yes, I remember the well.

Colonel von Klaus: If it's a trap, and they cut of your escape find your way to Basil's chambers. Behind the fireplace is a passageway that leads right to the forest.
Maxwell Smart: Eh, how does it open?
Colonel von Klaus: Well, there's a panel 'neath the mantle with a candle for the handle. But before you light the candle push the panel with your hand. Than the mantle will push out and the panel will push in.
Colonel von Klaus: [Max starts to leave] But... if you light the candle after you push the panel than the mantle will push in and the panel will push out.


"Get Smart: KAOS in CONTROL (#1.7)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart: [about the Cone of Silence] You know this thing doesn't work, why do you always insist on using it?
Chief of Control: Well, for one thing, it's 20 degrees cooler inside.

Maxwell Smart: [referring to the Electro-Retrogressor Gun] Amazing!
Professor Windish: Yes... I am.

Maxwell Smart: As agent in charge of internal security, I can give you my personal assurance that everything is under perfect control.
Maxwell Smart: [an alarm goes off as a sign reading 'Emergency' flashes red, a sign reading 'Security' blue and a sign reading 'Danger' yellow] Eh, would you settle for almost perfect?

Maxwell Smart: [peeking around a corner at a organ grinder and his monkey] Recognize him?
Agent 99: Yes! That's Agent 17. Wow, what a disguise! Shall we question him now?
Maxwell Smart: No, not now, the organ grinder is watching him too closely.

Maxwell Smart: [acting as temporary Chief of Control] Hodgkins, I want the officer responsible for internal security in here on the double.
Hodgkins: You're the internal security officer.
Maxwell Smart: Fast work, Hodgkins.

Maxwell Smart: The Chief would have been here himself to welcome you, but I'm sure that he'll join us... eh... as soon as he's had his nap.
[realizing he said too much]
Delegate #1: His nap?
Maxwell Smart: Eh... N.A.P. National Area Program reports
[rolls eyes with relief]

Maxwell Smart: Alma, you wanna get in that converence room. Give me one good reason why I should let you in.
Alma Sutton: Here's one.
[points the Electro-Retrogressor Gun at him]
Maxwell Smart: Wanna try for two out of three?


"Get Smart: Dr. Yes (#3.9)" (1967)
# 99: Isn't it exciting, Max? Only a minute and a half to blast off!
Maxwell Smart: Relax, 99. If you've seen one fifty million dollar blast off, you've seen them all.

# 99: Max, why do they always repeat the instructions in German?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know 99, I guess it's the language our best American scientist understand.

Maxwell Smart: Of course it's a fishing rod, 99, but you can't always tell a hook by it's cover. You see this reel here is actually a homing device. The rod is the antenna.

Maxwell Smart: What do you got there?
# 99: Oh this is Control's latest anti-personnel weapon. It's an electronic mosquito. If we get captured, we release it and it attacks the enemy viciously.
Maxwell Smart: Killing them?
# 99: No, but it keeps them so busy scratching that we can get away.

Maxwell Smart: How do you like that, 99? The old tiny tape recorder in the trailer trick.

Dr. Yes: It is said a wise lobster knows the power of its own claws.
Maxwell Smart: Eh, yes. Well it is also said that he who lives by the sword...
[turns to 99]
Maxwell Smart: How does it go, 99?
# 99: Dies by the sword, Max.

Dr. Yes: Your too late, Mr. Smart. In one minute the deflector mechanism takes over.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, but there's still time enough to take care of you, Dr. Yes. You see I happen to be an expert in hand to hand combat.
Dr. Yes: [Dr. Yes slices his extremely long nails at Max] However nail to nail combat I'm not too crazy about.


"Get Smart: The Hot Line (#3.24)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [talking on ice-cream phone] There's no time to wait, 99. I wanna catch them red-handed. Besides, my phone is melting.

Maxwell Smart: The old communications equipment in the French bread trick.

Chief Smart: [the Chief has been demoted to agent and Max has been named chief] Just a moment. I don't think we should call you Chief from now on, that woudn't be proper. Eh, what was your old number?
Chief: Q.
Chief Smart: Q?
Chief: Yes, I was an agent before they switched to numbers.

Chief Smart: [Agent Q has shattered a mirror with the sound of his voice] That'll be 40 dollars for the mirror, not to mention the 7 years bad luck.
[walks off]
Agent Q: That started yesterday.

Chief Smart: [on phone] Good work, Q. If that is the KAOS communications center, from this moment on you'll be facing torture and death.
Agent Q: [on shoephone] And... loving it!

# 99: [Agent Q has just performed 'Alouette'] Max, did you hear that?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, he doesn't have a bad voice but he's lousy with lyrics.
# 99: No, it's the Control singing code. 'Curds and whey' means 'KAOS agent', 'cigarette' means 'impostor' and 'wetsus slas' means 'get away'.
Maxwell Smart: Check, 99. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Maxwell Smart: Give a man an inch and right away he thinks he's a ruler.


"Get Smart: The Mummy (#2.19)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: It says here the mummy of the Egyptian King Tut the fourth is due to arrive in the United States today.
Chief: Oh really? When is his daddy due?
Maxwell Smart: No, Max, this mummy, King Tut the fourth is dead.
Chief: Oh. And you want me to find out who killed him?
Maxwell Smart: Max, he died more than three thousand years ago.
Chief: Oh, that's bad Chief, it's gonna be very difficult to round up witnesses.

Maxwell Smart: Listen, 13, if you hate your job so much, why don't you get into some other line of business?
Agent 13: Because I'm a trained espionage agent. And besides, it runs in the family.
Maxwell Smart: Your father was a spy?
Agent 13: No, my mother.
Maxwell Smart: Really?
Agent 13: Yeah. She was very big in world war one.
Maxwell Smart: No kidding. What's her name?
Agent 13: I don't know, she won't tell us.

Agent 13: Oh, 86 will you do me a favor?
Maxwell Smart: What?
Agent 13: Eh, you won't tell the Chief that my mother's a spy, will ya?
Maxwell Smart: Well, ok, but why?
Agent 13: I don't think she's on our side.

Maxwell Smart: Tell me this: since my true identity is such a closely guarded secret, how were you able to recognize me?
Miss Smith: I saw your picture in one of the secret agent fan magazines.

Maxwell Smart: This is a very special champagne. Notice the year:
Miss Smith: Oh yes. 1969?
Maxwell Smart: Yes. It's an advance bottle. I understand that that will be a very good year for wine.

Miss Smith: [Miss Smith takes a sip of champagne containing her own sleeping pill] Excellent champagne.
Maxwell Smart: [Max has just sipped champagne containing his own truth serum] Are you kidding? This is the cheapest champagne I could buy.

Maxwell Smart: [wrapped up in mummy bandages] Doctor, do you have a band-aid?


"Get Smart: A Man Called Smart: Part 3 (#2.30)" (1967)
# 99: Oh Max, the Chief's got to be all right he's just got to. If anything happens to him...
Maxwell Smart: 99...
# 99: Max, please tell me he'll be all right.
Maxwell Smart: 99...
# 99: Tell me he'll be all right, Max, tell me Max, tell me!
Maxwell Smart: He'll be all right.
# 99: You're just saying that.

Maxwell Smart: You know, when I first came to Control, the Chief had a full head of hair.
# 99: Really? When I came here he was bald.
Maxwell Smart: That's right, you joined two weeks after I did.

# 99: I mean if anything should happen to you I...
Maxwell Smart: Don't worry 99, nothing's going to happen to me.
# 99: You know what I mean, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Yes I do... Ernestine.
# 99: That's the first time you've ever called me Ernestine.
Maxwell Smart: I know.
# 99: I wish it were my name.

Maxwell Smart: Bediyoskin told us to contact you. He even wrote your initials on a slip of paper. T.B.O.
Tom Orlando: T.B.O. can mean a lot of things.
Maxwell Smart: Oh really? For instance, give me another T.B.O.
Caterer: One T.B.O. forty cents.
Maxwell Smart: T.B.O.?
Caterer: Tomato and bacon on an onion roll.

Maxwell Smart: It's Orlando. He's dead.
# 99: Oh Max, how terrible.
Maxwell Smart: I know. That practically eliminates him as a suspect.

Maxwell Smart: [during fencing duel] Tell me, Hurrah, what made you decide to join KAOS?
Otto Hurrah: I'm a creative producer and director, bursting with new concepts. I was wasted in the movie business. KAOS had an opening for a mastermind, so I took it. Besides, my agent recommended it.

Maxwell Smart: [during fencing duel] But KAOS is vicious, evil and rotten.
Otto Hurrah: So is my agent!


"Get Smart: Weekend Vampire (#1.14)" (1965)
Professor Sontag: How did this melody go?
Maxwell Smart: Well, have you ever heard the song 'Heart of my Heart'?
Professor Sontag: Yes.
Maxwell Smart: That wasn't it

99: What do we do now, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, first of all 99, we've got to look in this coffin.
99: Oh... do we have to?
Maxwell Smart: Well, you see, 99, according to the legend of the vampire, ridiculous though it may seem, Vampires always sleeps in their coffins.
99: Why would they do that, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, if you go around biting people on the neck, I guess you'll do just about everything.

Maxwell Smart: Let's see what Control has given us in their Newlywed kit.
Maxwell Smart: [opens suitcase and takes out each item one at a time] Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. And brass knuckels. This must be the Commando kit.
Maxwell Smart: [opens another suitcase] Ah, this is the Newlywed kit.
Maxwell Smart: [takes out each item] Toothpaste. Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. Brass knuckles.

Dr. Drago: And now Mr. Smart, it is your turn to hear my senato of death. But before I begin, do you have any last request?
Maxwell Smart: Do you know any showtunes?

Maxwell Smart: But what you didn't know, is that 99 and I were following you to Drago's place in a Control tracking car, did you?
Professor Sontag: Not until I caught you in my rear-view mirror.
Maxwell Smart: When was that?
Professor Sontag: Just after you crashed into the rear end of my car.

Chief: Now our one clue is the melody you heard just before the murder. Arrick, is the Detect-O-Tune ready?
Arrick: Yes, Chief.
Chief: Good.
Maxwell Smart: How does it work?
Arrick: Well, the Detect-O-Tune can reconstruct any melody in the same way that a criminal's face can be reconstructed through the descriptions of witnesses. Now, can you remember any of the notes that you heard?
Chief: Just hum anything you remember, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Ok, let me see now, Chief.
[begins humming]
Maxwell Smart: Daaa, daaa, daaa, daaa, doo, daaa, daaa...
[Arrick then slowly plays same notes on Detect-O-Tune]
Maxwell Smart: A little faster than that.
[Arrick plays notes faster and faster and quickly gets carried away]
Chief: ARRICK!
Arrick: Sorry, Chief.
Chief: Try to get it, Max. This may be vital!
Maxwell Smart: All right, Chief. Let me see.
[begins humming]
Maxwell Smart: Daaa, daaa, daaa, daaa...
Arrick: [humming along] Bom, bom, bom, bom...
Maxwell Smart: No, no, no. Daaa, daaa, daaa, da-da-dee, daaa, daaa...
Maxwell Smart, Chief, Arrick: Daaa, daaa, daaa, dee, daa, dee-dah...
[All three start singing]
Maxwell Smart, Chief, Arrick: "Heart of my heart, how I love that melody, love the melody, heart of my heart, brings back a memory!"
[Max and Arrick realize what they're doing and stop singing, Chief gets carried away and continues singing]
Chief: "When we were kids on the corner of the street, we were rough and..."
[Chief stops singing, noticing the others have stopped as well]
Chief: [Max takes out a notebook and starts writing something]
Chief: What are you doing, Max?
Maxwell Smart: I'm putting you down for the lead in "The Spy Frolics", Chief.
Chief: MAX!
[Max puts his notebook away]

Maxwell Smart: [In the car, they are about to follow Sontag when 99 suggests they go up to Drago's house] Well what are we gonna tell Drago?
99: Tell him that our car broke down.
Maxwell Smart: Oh come on, 99, he'd never fall for that.
[the car won't start]
Maxwell Smart: Come on, let's go up to the house.
99: What do we tell Drago?
Maxwell Smart: That our car broke down.


"Get Smart: Leadside (#4.23)" (1969)
Chief: Leadside is the most diabolically clever criminal we've ever run across. He's never yet made a threat that he hasn't carried out.
Maxwell Smart: That's right, Chief. Like the time he stole the Star of India.
Agent 99: He stole the Star of India?
Maxwell Smart: Well, he kidnapped Sabu.

Maxwell Smart: [the computer called ARDVARC has exploded and is losing power] Is there anyone you'd like us to notify?
ARDVARC: [coughing sound] Yes.
[another cough]
ARDVARC: The cigarette machine, in the hall.

Chief: Max, we've taken every precaution. We've even activated maximum security plan Omega.
Maxwell Smart: [his face brightens] Plan Omega?
Chief: [nods] And you know how long it's been since we've used that plan.
Maxwell Smart: That's right, 99. My gosh, we haven't used that plan, since the day that Omega was murdered!

Maxwell Smart: The old paper pal detonator pen!

Maxwell Smart: That's the second biggest cosmetic case I ever saw!

Maxwell Smart: Leadside, you told me you couldn't walk!
Leadside: No, I can't walk, but I can run.
Maxwell Smart: But that's impossible.
Leadside: No, the injury to my spine is a unique one. As long as I am moving with any velocity, I'm alright, but as soon as I stand still or try to walk, I collapse.

Leadside: No tricks, Mr. Smart, we have to get down to the business at hand: phase three.
Maxwell Smart: And just how do you propose to phase three me, Leadside? One shot and all those Control agents will come rolling in here like oranges.


"Get Smart: Hello, Columbus - Goodbye, America (#5.24)" (1970)
Maxwell Smart: [looking at Sunflowers by Van Gogh] What would you say that is worth, 99?
Agent 99: Oh, a lot, Max, that's a Van Gogh.
Maxwell Smart: Isn't he the guy that cut off his own ear?
Agent 99: Right. He send it to his girlfriend. He must really have loved her a lot.
Maxwell Smart: Either that or he hated his ear.

Maxwell Smart: Columbus, I'm Smart.
Gino Columbus: Ok, how much is-a two and two?
Maxwell Smart: [thinks for a moment] Four.
Gino Columbus: [chuckles] He's smart all right!

Upper Gemini: Don't take another step. We are KAOS agents Gemini.
Maxwell Smart: What do you want?
Upper Gemini: Information. Tell us what we wanna know, or you die.
Maxwell Smart: You're wasting your time. Besides, do you know who this man is? This is Gino Columbus, the new owner of the United States.
Upper Gemini: That's what we wanted to know.

Victor Borgia: My name is Borgia.
Maxwell Smart: Borgia! Of course! You're the man who poisoned 23 people and a pair of parakeets.
Victor Borgia: No Mr. Smart.
Maxwell Smart: 23 parakeets and a pair of people?
Victor Borgia: I am Borgia of KAOS.
Maxwell Smart: Ok, I'll accept that, but don't expect to have a drink with my bird.

Gino Columbus: I tell you what I'm gonna do. If you let me go, I'm gonna give you a nice present. I give you Pittsburgh.
Victor Borgia: We don't want Pittsburgh.
Maxwell Smart: That's funny. Neither does Pennsylvania.

Gino Columbus: Mama mia, what's he got in his pocket, a printing-a press?
Maxwell Smart: Must be a duplicating machine, the copies are getting lighter.

Maxwell Smart: You'll never get away with it, Chief, I don't look like Columbus, I don't even speak Italian.
Larabee: Besides, Chief, at Control training school Max flunked torture three years in a row.


"Get Smart: The Laser Blazer (#4.10)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [Max is trying on a blue blazer] Are you kidding me, this is long enough to be an overcoat.
Lin Chan: Ok, so you got long jacket or short overcoat.

Maxwell Smart: Looks like I've messed everything up.
99: Oh, don't feel badly Max, you've messed things up before and you'll mess things up again.
Maxwell Smart: You're just saying that to make me feel good.
99: That's what a wife's for.

Maxwell Smart: Morning Ingrid, what are you doing?
Ingrid: Oh yes, I was eh, looking for the coffeepot that disappeared yesterday.
Maxwell Smart: Oh yes, well don't bother, it's probably cold by now.

Ingrid: Oh Mr. Smart, do you know you are extremely attractive?
Maxwell Smart: Oh well, I wouldn't say that.
Ingrid: Oh, you're very handsome.
Maxwell Smart: That I would say, yes.

Ingrid: A nice old fashioned Swedish massage, wouldn't you like a massage?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, yes, well, I, I just got married, Ingrid, I can't have a massage. Maybe in six months.

Chief: [the Chief walks in to find Max and Ingrid lying on the couch] Max!
Maxwell Smart: Oh, hi Chief, this is Ingrid, our massage she's giving me a maid.

Maxwell Smart: Chief, I think I'd better explain to you what actually happened over there, you see, I lost a cufflink in the couch, and Ingrid was helping me look for it.
Maxwell Smart: [the Chief gives Max a very stern look] Eh, would you believe a tie clasp?


"Get Smart: Pussycats Galore (#2.27)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: How did you get in here?
Pussycat: I slipped your landlady a dollar and she let me in the backdoor.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, you should have used the front door, it's only a quarter.

# 99: [about the Pussycat club] Why would brilliant, intelligent men wanna go to a place like that?
Maxwell Smart: Well, there are several reasons, 99. Men like that need a place to unwind. A change of atmosphere, a change of scene.
# 99: But Max, there's nothing to do there except look at a lot of girls walking around half undressed.
Maxwell Smart: Say, that's the best reason yet.

Chief: Don't forget, this is a most hazardous assignment. The second you set foot in Germany, you'll be living in constant, extreme danger.
Maxwell Smart: Und damit Gefreut.
Chief: What's he saying now, 99?
# 99: 'And loving it'.

# 99: But Max, all the Pussycats look alike in those outfits. How are we gonna know which one is Charlie Watkins?
Maxwell Smart: It's really quite simple 99, all we have to do is look over all the Pussycats and the one with the most voluptuous figure, he's our man.

Maxwell Smart: Anything to report Watkins?
Charlie Watkins: I've turned this place inside out to find a secret passageway for them to smuggle out their victims.
Maxwell Smart: Did you find it?
Charlie Watkins: Finally.
Maxwell Smart: Where is it?
Charlie Watkins: There's a back door in the kitchen that leads to the alley.
Maxwell Smart: The old backdoor to the alley trick. What'll they think of next?

Maxwell Smart: You know something, 99? With Pussycats like these, I don't know why anyone would want to own a dog.

Maxwell Smart: Eh, well, Chief, I guess I deserve a little congratulations for this.
Chief: Yes Max, you did a fine job.
Maxwell Smart: Fine job?
Chief: Yes.
Maxwell Smart: Well you could be a little more enthusiastic than that, Chief. After all, I'm a hero! I deserve a medal for this.
Chief: A medal?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, don't you realize what I've done? I've made the world safe for German scientists!


"Get Smart: Double Agent (#1.16)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: You know 99, I really feel sorry for professor Parker. He's spend so much time working on that device.
# 99: The Ice-Cube Transmitter.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. For the last six months he's tested it in every known fluid. That's how he got his reputation.
# 99: As a perfectionist?
Maxwell Smart: No, as a drunk.

Chief of Control: Now Max, remember. Acting as a double agent is the most dangerous game in the world. These men are killers, they'll stop at nothing. You'll be living in constant danger every moment.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it!

Chief of Control: [supplying Max with an old coat full of holes] Max, take good care of this. The tailor charges a fortune to rip it up like that
Maxwell Smart: Chief, I've got a dry cleaner that will do this for nothing.

Chief of Control: [having forbidden Max to tell 99 about his new cover] Max, untill your mission is a success, she'll learn to do without you.
Maxwell Smart: Yes Chief, but what if my mission is a failure?
Chief of Control: We'll all learn to do without you.

Chief of Control: Smart!
Maxwell Smart: What do you want?
Chief of Control: A few answers.
Maxwell Smart: Sorry, but I don't think I'm gonna like the questions.
Chief of Control: We're missing 68.000 dollars.
Maxwell Smart: That's tough. Have you looked behind the sofa cushions?

Parker: I would like Mr. Smart to look at your desk and see if he can detect which item is the listening device.
Chief of Control: Parker, I don't think you should do that.
Maxwell Smart: Don't be ridiculous, Chief. That's a great idea. If he can fool my keen eyes, the security of KAOS is doomed. Excuse me, 99. Now, let's see... Well, I don't think it's this magazine. It's a little obvious and clumsy. Uh... I don't think it's this paperweight, or the cigarette lighter.
Parker: What about that, uh... that fly?
Maxwell Smart: Huh? Oh.
[Max swats the "fly", and Parker gasps in horror]
Maxwell Smart: Got it!

Chief of Control: Parker has come up with a new listening device that's even cleverer than the fly. Are you ready, Parker?
Parker: Yes, Chief. See if you can pick this one out, Smart. And please be a little more careful this time.
Maxwell Smart: Right, professor.
Parker: It's among these objects on the desk.
Maxwell Smart: Well, let's see. It's not the cigarette lighter, right?
Parker: Right.
Maxwell Smart: And, uh... it's not the magazine, right?
Parker: Correct.
Maxwell Smart: A fly. You've built another fly.
Parker: No, Smart, that's a real fly.
[Max brushes at the fly and it buzzes away]
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Are you sure it's a fly?
Parker: Absolutely.
Maxwell Smart: Well, then I can kill it.
[Max swats at the fly and hits a lamp on the desk; sparks fly out, and Parker covers his head in frustration]
Maxwell Smart: I have a strange feeling it's the light bulb.


"Get Smart: The Wax Max (#3.20)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [Max and 99 are almost hit by an arrow in the Tunnel of Love] Hm, I wonder what Dr. Spock would have to say about this kind of love?

Maxwell Smart: [on shoe-phone] Hello Chief?
Chief: [on phone in office] Hello Max. What's wrong? your voice sounds scratchy.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, it must be the sand in the shoe. Chief.

Maxwell Smart: Where are we, Max?
99: In a dark room.
Maxwell Smart: But where?
99: Obviously in a dark building.
Maxwell Smart: I hear water, Max!
99: Make that a wet dark building.

99: Max! How in the world did you do it?
Maxwell Smart: The old inflatable head in the cloak trick, 99.

Maxwell Smart: This place is swarming with KAOS agents.
Maxwell Smart: I know that, that's why we can't stand out here. We gotta find a place to hide.
Agent 99: Well, what about in there?
[pointing at an attraction with a giant octopus]
Maxwell Smart: Are you kidding? There are gollywoggles in there!

Maxwell Smart: One of the world's greatest philosophers, Ghengis Khan, once said that a warped barrel is a fool's frustration.


"Get Smart: Perils in a Pet Shop (#2.13)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: 99, I'm hit! I'm bleeding!
# 99: It's only red wine, Max.
Maxwell Smart: I'm bleeding red wine?

Maxwell Smart: [interrogating a KAOS parrot] Listen, are you gonna talk, or am I gonna bring in the cat?

Agent 13: [hiding inside a weight and fortune machine] Hi 86, Agent 13 here.
Maxwell Smart: What have you got, 13?
Agent 13: Claustrophobia and flat feet.

Maxwell Smart: Take my watch as security.
Agent 13: Yeah, well, I don't know, 86...
[starts examining it]
Maxwell Smart: It's a perfectly good watch!
Agent 13: Look at that, one of Mickey Mouse' hands is broken.

# 99: Wait! Before you shoot us. I'd like to ask for something.
Kosovich: What is it?
# 99: A goodbye kiss.
Maxwell Smart: 99, you hardly know him!

Maxwell Smart: Well, have you seen anything weird or suspicious?
Agent 13: [grinning] Not til you came along.


"Get Smart: Dear Diary (#1.21)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: That's right, 99. After all, Mr. Gaffer is still one of the best. He's my idol. Did you know that Mr. Gaffer once captured 10 killers armed with machine guns? Would you believe it? 10 killers with machine guns!
Agent 99: I find that very hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe 4 killers with knives?
Agent 99: I don't think so.
Herb Gaffer: How about a mean little kid with a pea shooter?

Herbert Gaffer: [glad to see the pigeon Smart is carrying in a cage] Aha, I see you've reached Control headquarters.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, but it's been a long time since we received a message by carrier pigeon.
Herbert Gaffer: Well, we're a little old fashioned here in Spy City, after all, this is a retirement home for secret agents.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. Is this pigeon also retired?
Herbert Gaffer: Not yet!
Maxwell Smart: Well he should be, he couldn't find his way back here.

# 99: [Max is browsing the book 'Birds of the USA] Did you find something?
Maxwell Smart: Yes...
# 99: What?
Maxwell Smart: A yellow bellied sapsucker.

Maxwell Smart: [86 and 99 are following a trail of footsteps that end in a pair of shoes] Look 99, he had another pair of shoes waiting.
# 99: The old shoe switch.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. That's the second time I've fallen for it this month.

Maxwell Smart: [holding up Professor Booth's umbrella as a shield, but the bullets go right through it] Hey! I thought you said this was a shield!
Herbert Gaffer: Well it is, but I just remembered: not against bullets.

Maxwell Smart: Did you know that Mr. Gaffer once captured ten killers armed with machine guns? Would you believe it? Ten killers with machine guns.
# 99: I find that very hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe... four killers with lives?
# 99: I don't think so.
Herbert Gaffer: How about a mean little kid with a pea-shooter?


"Get Smart: Washington 4, Indians 3 (#1.6)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: [speaking into his tomahawk telephone] Don't worry 99, 43 is a good man.
Agent 99: [answering on regular walkie talkie] You're worth 2 43s, 86.

Chief of Control: Max, do you realize what you've done on the strength of a minor incident? You woke up the three highest ranking officers in the U.S. military, you got hundreds of planes flying in the air, you canceled thousands of leaves. That's what you've done, Max!
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Just what are you getting at, Chief?

Chief of Control: I can't believe that you would summon the chiefs of staff on this awful hour simply because three Indians attacked a bus.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Four, Chief.
Chief of Control: Max, do you realize what time it is? It's three in the morning!
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: [looks at his watch] Four, Chief.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: [Smart's cover has been blown] I'm Maxwell Smart, secret agent 86!
Red Cloud: Torture him! Kill him!
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: I'm also a liar.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: That's the second biggest arrow I've ever seen.

Chief of Control: It might interest you to know that Red Cloud's enormous arrow is now on display in the west wing of the White House.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: No kidding, Chief. Where did it land?
Chief of Control: In the west wing of the White House.


"Get Smart: What's It All About, Algie? (#5.23)" (1970)
Maxwell Smart: Well, let's look on the bright side of things, Chief: it's a good thing that he gave me the list before he disappeared, rather than after he disappeared.
Chief: Just what kind of reasoning is that? How could he possibly have given you the list after his disappearance? He could have only have given it to you before his disappearance.
Maxwell Smart: Oh yeah? How about during his disappearance?

Algernon DeGrasse: What part of Japan are you from?
Maxwell Smart: Eh... the Orient.

Maxwell Smart: [on garden hose phone] He was a little suspicious at first, until I gave him cover story 3MB. He fell for it completely.
Chief: [on other end of the hose] Fine, good luck, Max.
Chief: .
[connection is broken]
Chief: 3MB? We haven't used that since Pearl Harbor.

Algernon DeGrasse: [aiming a gun at Max & 99] That's a very interesting picture of you in the Control file, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell Smart: Thank you.
Algernon DeGrasse: But why were you sitting on a pony?
Agent 99: It was taken on his birthday.

Chief: Max, if you don't do as I say, you're fired.
Maxwell Smart: That's an idle threat, Chief. You'd never fire me.
Chief: Oh no? What makes you so sure I wouldn't?
Maxwell Smart: Because according to seniority, if I get fired from Control, Larabee moves up.

Agent 99: [being shot at] Max, what's that?
Maxwell Smart: He's hitting the fertilizer bags above us.
Agent 99: What are you doing?
Maxwell Smart: I'm going to turn this fan on.
Agent 99: What good's that going to do, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, when the fertilizer hits the fan, it's going to blow all over the place and give us a chance to get away.
Agent 99: Good thinking, Max!


"Get Smart: Wurst Enemies (#1.6)" (1995)
Chief Maxwell Smart: When you've dealt KAOS as long as I have, you know that it's the old sniper in the catwalk trick or the old gunman in the crate
[waves gun towards crate, it accidentally fires]
Chief Maxwell Smart: ... sometimes both.

Chief Maxwell Smart: Siegfried, how did you get this number?
Siegfried: I'm on your kid's schneaker-phone.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Zach's schnearker - sneaker-phone?

Chief Maxwell Smart: How is Shtarker?
Siegfried: Very well. He has this small shoe repair kiosk in the Heidelberg train station. He married a lovely Chinese girl - enough. We are former KAOS, we don't reminisce here!

Siegfried: Tonight, to exact my revenge, I have a nuclear missile aimed directly at one of your major cities.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Which one?
Siegfried: The city that contains your greatest minds and most brilliant thinkers.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Hm. Well, at least Washington is safe.

Chief Maxwell Smart: Give it up, Siegfried, you'll never get away with this.
Siegfried: Why not?
Chief Maxwell Smart: Because at this very moment there are 200 naval...
Siegfried: [interrupting] destroyers are headed this way. I know. Then I say I don't believe it, then you say something else again, then I say I don't believe it again and were right back to where we started.
Chief Maxwell Smart: And I thought my wife knew me.

Siegfried: [Max is turning Siegfried's light-up globe which doubles as a remote control for the nuclear missile] Get away from my world!
Chief Maxwell Smart: It's not your world yet, Siegfried.


"Get Smart: Ship of Spies: Part 2 (#1.28)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: 99, I'm positive that this is the section of the rail that gave way.
Agent 99: I'm sure you're right, Max but look, there's not a sign of any damage.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well just put two and two together and that means?
Agent 99: That someone fixed it quietly during the night.
Maxwell Smart: Or else the entire ship has been replaced.

Maxwell Smart: [speaking on 99s portable hair dryer phone] Hello Chief, this is Max.
Chief: [on the other line] Max, are there any clues?
Maxwell Smart: No Chief, just that clip-clop sound I was telling you about.
Chief: Does anyone on board make that noise?
Maxwell Smart: Everyone on board makes that noise.

Agent 44: [hiding in a funnel] What took you so long to get here?
Maxwell Smart: Well, first of all, we had to decode that secret message you left on the porthole.
Agent 44: Was it hard? You know, secret messages are one of my specialties.
Maxwell Smart: I've seen harder...
Agent 99: [lying] Max figured it out right away.
Agent 44: You did? Well you wait until next time. I've got a humdinger. You'll never get it!
Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 44? What good is a secret message if n one cn understand it?
Agent 44: Listen, 86, I don't have much fun on this job. There's no mingling with the glamorous passengers. No deck tennis. No gala evenings at the captain's table. No, no, not for me.
Maxwell Smart: Take it easy, 44, take it easy!
Agent 44: I mean, a spy can only take so muuch. Funnels and portholes and sleeping in the cargo hold. Hiding, always hiding. I want to come in from the cold.

Maxwell Smart: [to Baccardo] Missed! And you're all out of wheelchairs.

Captain Groman: [Max is surprised to find out the Captain has a wooden leg] What's the matter sir, what are you staring at? Is it my leg?
Maxwell Smart: No, I've seen legs before. It's that wooden job I'm looking at.
Captain Groman: Ah yes, a souvenir of my younger years when I was still a lad.
Captain Groman: [picks up a harpoon] You've heard of the great white whale?
Maxwell Smart: That was done by the great white whale?
Captain Groman: No, that was done by a small blue convertible.

Maxwell Smart: Of course. The old gun in the peg leg trick. That's the second time I've fallen for it this year.


"Get Smart: The Worst Best Man (#4.6)" (1968)
Chief: If you ask somebody to be your best man, it's a guarantee something will happen to him.
Hymie: How come you never asked me, Max? I always thought I was your best friend.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, you are my best friend, Hymie, but you're a robot. I need a best man, not a best thing.
Maxwell Smart: Sorry about that, Hymie, but, well, you see, it wouldn't be legal the other way. I need someone who can sign the marriage certificate and, and be a witness.
Hymie: I can sign it Max, I can also make copies.

Chief: Now why would KAOS want to deal with every man you ask to be your best man?
# 99: Why don't you ask Hymie, Max?
Maxwell Smart: That's a good idea, 99, Hymie...
Hymie: I accept, Max.
Maxwell Smart: No, Hymie, I wasn't going to ask you to be my best man, I was gonna ask you why KAOS is after every man that I ask to be my best man?

Chief: [discussing Max' bachelor party] Alright, I'll thrown in the cake. The one that Agent 38 comes out of the cake.
Maxwell Smart: I don't think I would like that, Chief.
Chief: Why not?
Maxwell Smart: It's just not the same when a guy pops out of a cake.
Chief: Have you seen 38 in a bikini?

Hymie: [at Max' bachelor party] It's 5 minutes to 10, Max, I think we should show the movies now.
Maxwell Smart: Movies?
Hymie: Yes Max, I understand that's what they usually do at bachalor parties, show films.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, what have you got, Hymie?
Hymie: Oh, what have you got, Hymie? Well, it took a little doing, Max, but I managed to get these:
[hands over a list]
Maxwell Smart: [unfolds list eagerly] "Down the Colorado River by kayak". "The Wonderful World of Zinc" and "Holland, land of dykes and tulips".

# 99: [about to dismantle a bomb hidden in Hymie] Chief, this'll only take two of us, there's no need in risking another life, especially when that life is responsible for the entire Control organization, isn't that right, Max?
Maxwell Smart: It certainly is, 99, but I think I should stay around anyway and help.

Maxwell Smart: [after an explosion, bits of paper are falling down like confetti] What are all these papers?
Chief: Well Max, that was, those were secret papers of Control!
Maxwell Smart: Well why didn't you tell me, Chief?
Chief: I couldn't, Max, it was a secret!
Maxwell Smart: 99, you don't happen to have a bottle of glue on you, do ya?


"Get Smart: The Dead Spy Scrawls (#1.18)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Chief, I think Willie has one of your headaches...

Chief of Control: [The Chief, Max and Parker are deciphering the dead spy scrawls] 'P.I.'
Maxwell Smart: I think I've got it, Chief. It's really quite simple, Parker. You see the Electronic Brain is located somewhere in the Philippine Islands.
Parker: Wrong.
Maxwell Smart: Wrong.
Chief of Control: 'Paid Informer'.
Parker: Right.
Maxwell Smart: Right.

Maxwell Smart: [on Shoephone] Hello Chief? Max. The informer has just been killed but he left us a clue and I didn't have to pay a cent for it.
Maxwell Smart: [listen to the Chief's answer] No, I don't have the entire 2,000 dollars, I have 1,500 of it. Well of course I didn't lose it, Chief, what do you think I am, stupid? I spend the other 500 for a package of gum.

Maxwell Smart: Well, I'm your man, Chief. This is my assignment.
Chief of Control: Max, this is extremely dangerous, you'd be on the spot, walking a tightrope. Possibly facing a violent death.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it!

Maxwell Smart: You see, I happen to be an expert at this game. As a matter of fact, I happen to be the pool champion of the entire East Coast. Would you believe it? The entire East Coast.
Willie: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe the West Coast?
Willie: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about Stubensville Ohio?

Shark: Hey, the only man I ever saw make that kind of a shot was the great pool champion "Three Fingers" Yarmy.
Maxwell Smart: Eh, yes, as a matter of fact I, eh, just stole it off 'em last week.
Shark: Last week? He's been dead for six years.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Good. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.


"Get Smart: The Mess of Adrian Listenger (#5.18)" (1970)
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Well, you forgot one thing, my friend. Adrian Listenger was hard of hearing.
Ace Weems: [cocking his head toward Max] ... What?

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Just a minute, Listenger, there's one thing I'd like to know: why did you kill all those Control agents on the baseball team?
Ace Weems: Because you guys were mean to me and cruel to me and you were always throwing baseballs at me.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: But you were the catcher!

Chief: [having been handed a picture] Why for crying out loud, this is the baseball team I coached when I was an instructor at the Control training school.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Well for heaven's sake. Which one is you, Chief?
Chief: [points] Right there.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Oh, the one with the black baseball cap on.
Chief: That's not a black baseball cap, that's my hair.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Oh really? How come it's got an initial on it?

Chief: Listenger is the only man on that baseball team who failed to become a Control agent.
Ace Weems: Yeah, but he succeeded into becoming something else.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: What was that?
Ace Weems: A really great murderer.
[pause]
Ace Weems: A really, top-notch murderer. One of the great murderers of all time. Which, really, he was not an ordinary murderer, he was a murderer's murderer I would say. You know, not one you'd meet every day at the store...

Chief: [Max and the Chief have been accused of trying to kill each other] Ridiculous, Max is like son to me.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: More than that, the Chief is like a father to me.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Wait a minute, Chief, there's a guy up there with a gun on us, who has the same set of fingerprints as Adrian Listenger!


"Get Smart: When Good Fellows Get Together (#3.8)" (1967)
Hymie: Groppo is a nice name. I'm looking forward to meeting him.
Maxwell Smart: Hymie, Groppo doesn't wanna make friends with you, he wants to destroy you. He hates you.
Hymie: People hate. Robots love.

Maxwell Smart: I hate to say it, but Hymie is depreciated.
Agent 42: But Hymie is unique.
Maxwell Smart: According to the latest Control blue book, we can trade Hymie even for a 1956 Edsel.

Hymie: I'm just fine.
Maxwell Smart: You're not fine, you're sluggish. You're run down and out of tune. You go round all the time half charged. If you're not careful, terrible things could happen.
Hymie: Like what?
Maxwell Smart: Well, you could end up as a cab in South America.

Maxwell Smart: I'll have to find a place to hide him. Wait a minute. I know just the place.
Dr. Harris: Where?
Maxwell Smart: A ghost town out on highway 81.
Dr. Harris: But Max, that's a tourist trap. Hundreds of people go there every week.
Maxwell Smart: Not that one, doctor, the one Control build right across the street from it.
Dr. Harris: Control build a ghost town across the street from a ghost town?
Maxwell Smart: Yes. In that way no one would be suspicious in case we needed one of our own.

Hymie: I'm lonesome.
[sits down]
Maxwell Smart: Lonesome?
[grabs a chair to sit down next to Hymie]
Maxwell Smart: Who are you lonesome for?
Hymie: For my friends at the office.
Maxwell Smart: What friends?
Hymie: Shirley the intercom, Sid the coffee machine, Trudy the noiseless typewriter, Rex the elevator...

Maxwell Smart: [nothing seems to stop Groppo] Got any other ideas, Harris?
Dr. Harris: [walks over to Max to hand him a weapon] Here, try this.
Maxwell Smart: A slingshot?
Dr. Harris: It worked once for David.
Maxwell Smart: I hope Groppo remembers the story.


"Get Smart: Our Man in Leotards (#1.10)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief. Emilio Naharana. Isn't he the world famous ballet dancer?
Chief: Correct. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Maxwell Smart: No Chief, I'm thinking what I'm thinking.

Maxwell Smart: Windish? One question. Just what is Immobilo and how does it work?
Professor Windish: Actually, that's two questions.
Maxwell Smart: He's bright. I like that.

Maxwell Smart: Now listen carefully, do exactly what I tell you, 99. Get up very slowly and look over the drum. Do you see a dark haired man in a white suit?
99: [whispering] Yes I do!
Maxwell Smart: Don't be scared, 99. I think it's me.

99: Max, what did you find out?
Maxwell Smart: I found out something very important, 99.
99: What is it, Max?
Maxwell Smart: A human being can't live in a base drum.

Parkerson: A secret agent? Where are your credentials?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, my credentials. Well, I left them in my moustache kit.

Maxwell Smart: Isn't this top secret?
Chief: Yes.
Maxwell Smart: Well, don't you think it would be wize to speak in a foreign language?
Chief: [a bit reluctantly] All right, French.
Maxwell Smart: French? Gosh, Chief, everybody speaks French. Why don't we speak in Swahili?
Chief: As you wish. Mahani ganga gi.
Maxwell Smart: Ganga gi? I thought it was ganga ga.
Chief: No, ganga gi.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, that's strange. I thought it was gi after ganga unless it came before goo
Chief: [exasperated] How about English?
Maxwell Smart: English? Eh... okay, but don't go too fast.


"Get Smart: One of Our Olives Is Missing (#3.7)" (1967)
Waiter: [grabs 86 by the lapels, lifting him off the ground] Listen bud, I don't like people to look at me funny.
Maxwell Smart: Well if you don't like the way I'm looking at ya, you're gonna hate what I'm gonna say to ya. Besides, you don't look like the type that would to to England to visit the Queen.
Waiter: Pussycat?
Maxwell Smart: Pussycat, pussycat where have you been?
Waiter: I've been to London to visit the Queen.

Maxwell Smart: Sorry gang, I don't usually bust in on people like this and squeeze their olives, but this is an emergency.

Maxwell Smart: Where's your olive? Don't tell me you swallowed it...
Ozark Annie: I swallowed it.
Maxwell Smart: I asked you not to tell me that!
Maxwell Smart: [pause] Well my dear, that may have been the costliest gulp in the course of human history.

Maxwell Smart: I happen to be a secret agent.
Ozark Annie: [Annie bursts out laughing] You're kidding.
Maxwell Smart: What's so hard to believe about that?
Ozark Annie: Well face it, you ain't no Sean O'Connery. You know, all handsome and confident. Well, just take a look into the mirror, puddin'.

Maxwell Smart: Very clever...
Maxwell Smart: [pulls of Siegfrieds fake beard] Siegfried McTavish!
Siegfried: How did you know I wasn't a doctor?
Maxwell Smart: Very simple. You went straight to the patient without even complaining about having to make a house call.

Ozark Annie: [Max bursts in to rescue Annie] Puddin' you're as welcome as a new rooster in a henhouse.
Siegfried: What kind of nonsense is this? There are four of us and only one of him. Put down your hands, pull out your guns. He can only shoot one of us!
Maxwell Smart: You're the one.
Siegfried: Please everybody, hands up!


"Get Smart: I Am Curiously Yellow (#5.26)" (1970)
Chief: [opens violin case] This is the Narco 5-12...
Maxwell Smart: I recognized it immediately.
Chief: ...A weapon so new that no one has ever seen it before.

Chief: We're all familiar with the shock wave of a sonic boom, which occurs when an aircraft breaks the sound barrier. Now if you take that energy and amplify it ten thousand times, and confine it in a small area, can you imagine the results you'd get?
Maxwell Smart: A rock & roll festival?
Chief: It's not quite that bad, Max.

Maxwell Smart: You don't suppose for one single moment that I'd allow these precious hands...
Maxwell Smart: [kisses 99's hand] ... to wash dishes?

Agent 99: [Larabee walks in on Max & 99 kissing passionately] Yes, Larabee?
Larabee: Huh?
Agent 99: What did you want?
Larabee: I forgot.
Agent 99: Goodbye, Larabee.
Larabee: Can I watch while I'm trying to remember?
Agent 99, Maxwell Smart: Get out, Larabee.

Maxwell Smart: What do you mean, 'that's Max al right', that couldn't possibly be me. I didn't steal the Farco 9-12.
Chief: It's not the Farco 9-12, it's the Marco 5-12.

The Whip: You make a mistake, Mr. Smart. You bring the wrong cassette.
Maxwell Smart: [takes out another cassette] Eh, would you like to try Glen Campbell?


"Get Smart: The Impossible Mission (#4.1)" (1968)
Agent 99: You're not taking me on this assignment, are you, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Eh... no, I'm not.
Agent 99: You can't leave me out of this one, Max! This is the most important case that's ever been given to Control, this could mean the end of the world.
Maxwell Smart: That's exactly why I'm not letting you go on this mission. If it's going to mean the end of the world, I want to make sure that you're all right.

Maxwell Smart: This is top security. I'll use my garter phone.
[starts rolling up pant leg]
# 99: Why are you wearing two garters?
Maxwell Smart: How do you like that? They tapped my garter phone.

Maxwell Smart: Of course. The old poisoned needle in the phonograph trick!

Maxwell Smart: [dressed as a Mexican musician] You know something, 99, I like you with a moustache.
# 99: [wearing a Charlie Chaplin outfit] Thanks.
Maxwell Smart: Don't shave it off.

Maxwell Smart: [Max and 99, both dressed as Charlie Chaplin are trapped in a room with KAOS agents trying to break in at either side] 99, there's something I have to tell you.
# 99: What is it, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, we've known each other for a long time and well, we've been through a lot of things together.
# 99: Go on, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Well, It's just that I... well I have to tell ya how I really feel about you. I wanted to... tell ya for a long, long time but I just... well I've never been able to find the right words. You see 99, it's not easy to say... well, it's not easy to say...
# 99: To say I love you, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Yes.
# 99: Well why don't you let me say it for you: I love you, Max.
Maxwell Smart: No, no, 99, that's not want I want to say, I wanted to say I love you 99.
# 99: I know. I'm saying I love you too, Max.
Maxwell Smart: You do?
# 99: I always have.
[they kiss passionately]

Maxwell Smart: You know, 99? If we could get out of this trap I'd marry you.
# 99: [cheering up] You would?
Maxwell Smart: Of course I would.
# 99: Now that you mention it, Max, there is a way out.
Maxwell Smart: [suddenly skeptical] There is?
# 99: What about the old double door deception trick? It just might work.
Maxwell Smart: Of course. The old double door deception trick, it just might work!


"Get Smart: Rub-A-Dub-Dub... Three Spies in a Sub (#2.9)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: The trick is stupid!
[the sub is shaking on impact]
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: The trick is dumb!
[another hit]
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: The trick is childish!
[nothing happens]
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: The trick is childish!... and the trick is working.

Maxwell Smart: How many packets of explosives do we have left?
# 99: Eh... two.
Maxwell Smart: Good. I'll use one of them to blow open the envelope.

Maxwell Smart: I like that plan, Chief. It's inventive, imaginative and brilliantly thought out.
# 99: Max, it sounds like a suicide mission to me.
Maxwell Smart: Well of course it's a suicide mission, 99, so what? Our next mission will be easier.

Maxwell Smart: You got another match, 99?
# 99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: I lit my shoe lace.

Maxwell Smart: Say, Siegfried, this sure is a nice little submarine you got here.
Siegfried: [ignoring him] Prepare torpedo!
Maxwell Smart: Eh, would you mind if I took a little peek?
Siegfried: We don't peek here!

Chief: [the Chief has assigned Max's number to another agent in his absence] I'm sorry Max.
Maxwell Smart: It's ok, Chief. I'm expendable.
Chief: I'll make it up to you Max.
Maxwell Smart: A raise?
Chief: No, we're over budget.
Maxwell Smart: A vacation?
Chief: I can't spare you right now.
Maxwell Smart: How about another suicide mission?


"Get Smart: The Spirit Is Willing (#3.4)" (1967)
Agent 99: [as they meet an overweight psychic] Mrs. Ferris said she's a medium.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Looks more like a large to me.

Ann Ferris: What do you know about Paul John Mondebello?
Maxwell Smart: He's the head of the Creative Entertainment buro. That's a theatrical agency which is actually a front for KAOS. Hmm, he's the best agent in showbusiness.
Ann Ferris: Mondebello is vicious, cunning and deceiving.
Maxwell Smart: That's what I just said. He's the best agent in showbusiness.

Maxwell Smart: Three months ago we had an open and shut case against Mondebello. Not only would he have gone to the electric chair, but he would have lost his booking franchise besides. Unfortunately, just before the trial, our key witness was murdered.
Ann Ferris: Were you on that case, Mr. Smart?
Maxwell Smart: No, the Chief bungled that one himself.

Mrs Ferris: Ann and I were great believers in the hereafter.
# 99: But why would she contact Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well maybe she didn't have her mother's number with her.

Maxwell Smart: There's enough evidence here to destroy KAOS' whole operation on the Western hemisphere and send Mondebello to the electric chair.
Mondebello: [jumps from hiding place pointing a pistol] I wouldn't be so sure.
Mrs Ferris: Mondebello!
# 99: Mondebello!
Maxwell Smart: Who are you?
Mondebello: Mondebello.

Maxwell Smart: Why, you're not your mother, you're your daughter.


"Get Smart: Back to the Old Drawing Board (#1.19)" (1966)
Hymie: [sign] The blue sun melts the red snow.
Maxwell Smart: [countersign] And the purple water runs up hill.
Hymie: Agent Smart?
Maxwell Smart: Yes. You must be 91.
Hymie: My name is Hymie.
Maxwell Smart: Hymie?
Hymie: My father's name was Hymie.

Maxwell Smart: Natz! So you're being this!
Mr. Natz: I've been waiting for this for a long time, Smart. I never got a chance to show you how grateful I am for those ten long years I spend in prison.
Maxwell Smart: You call this gratitude?

Maxwell Smart: [to Hymie] I know that under that metal body of yours, there beats the mechanical heart of a really nice guy.
# 99: Hymie, you're crying.
Maxwell Smart: Take it easy Hymie. You'll rust your eyeball.

Maxwell Smart: Would you like to join Control?
Hymie: No thank you.
Maxwell Smart: No?
Hymie: I just don't like violence.
# 99: What would you like to do?
Hymie: I'd like to work for IBM.
Chief of Control: Oh, because of your scientific curiosity?
Hymie: No, it's a nice way to meet some intelligent machines.

Maxwell Smart: ...and don't forget to kill the light.
[Hymie pulls out his gun and shoots the light]

Maxwell Smart: That's fantastic Hymie! You should get a medal for this. You knock me out.
[Hymie punches Max and knocks him out]


"Get Smart: The Groovy Guru (#3.15)" (1968)
Wanda: [sign] The Grateful Dead are alive and living in Beverly Hills.
Maxwell Smart: [countersign] Simon and Garfunkel fell off the Tallahatchie Bridge. Agent 86.
Wanda: I'm hip. Courier 12.
Maxwell Smart: Did you get the information on the Groovy Guru?
Wanda: Enough here for the fuzz to peel and freeze.
Maxwell Smart: Huh?
Wanda: Square city. You know, enough to put him away for life.

Chief: What if they torture you?
Maxwell Smart: [distracted by Dr. Steele] Oh, torture. Well, I can stand the pain if they can stand the screams.

# 99: Max, the lie pill. You took a lie pill!
Maxwell Smart: I did not.
# 99: All right, would you like to kiss me right now?
Maxwell Smart: Yes I would.
[puckers his lips]
# 99: [now completely convinced] You took a lie pill.
[kisses him anyway]

Maxwell Smart: The old bug in the rug trick and we fell for it!

Maxwell Smart: You're wasting your time, Guru. I've trained my mind to go completely blank any time I want it to.
# 99: [dancing to the Sacred Cow's hypnotic groove] That's right, he can do that!

Maxwell Smart: Don't tell me you pulled the plug?
# 99: I pulled the plug, Max.
# 99: [before Max can say his catchphrase] You asked me not to tell you that, didn't you?


"Get Smart: Smart Fit the Battle of Jericho (#2.22)" (1967)
Chief: Max, this job calls for an agent with high intelligence, sharp judgement and total fearlessness.
Maxwell Smart: [flattered] Well, ok Chief, if you put it that way...
Chief: Unfortunately I can't spare 99 right now.

Chief: Oh and Max, remember: both Joshua and the Baron are ruthless, cold blooded killers. From the minute you set foot in that hotel you'll be facing constant, extreme danger.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it.

Cigarette Girl: What do you think you're doing?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I'm looking for my silver dollar. You gave me the wrong one.
Cigarette Girl: What's the difference? A dollar's a dollar.
Maxwell Smart: Well mine is a very special silver dollar. Oh. Here it is.
Cigarette Girl: How can you be sure it's yours?
Maxwell Smart: Eh... yes, well it has my name on it.
Cigarette Girl: Oh is that so? Well, what's your name?
[grabs dollar to examine it]
Cigarette Girl: Eh.. 'E plurabis unum'
Cigarette Girl: Wizeguy...
[puts dollar between her cleavage]

Maxwell Smart: [Max's life has just been saved by the Cigarette girl] It's you. I don't think I understand.
Cigarette Girl: [speaking with a man's voice] My name is Charlie Watkins, Control West.

Carlson: Now, this on the surface appears to be nothing more than an American cheese sandwich. However...
[opens the sandwich]
Maxwell Smart: Are you kidding... a telephone! Why, that's fantastic.
Carlson: Thank you.
Maxwell Smart: Eh, does it come in any other colors?
Carlson: Just basic black. But it does come in different sandwiches: egg salad, peanut butter and an imported liverworst.

Maxwell Smart: Don't move, Joshua. This hammer happens to be a 45 caliber pistol.
Frank Lloyd Joshua: So is this wrench.
Maxwell Smart: Oh really? Carlson is gonna feel terrible about this...


"Get Smart: Our Man in Toyland (#1.4)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: I'm being followed. Use emergency telephone plan Z.

Conrad Bunny: Ah, the famous Maxwell Smart. I am Conrad Bunny.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Oh yes, of course, the infamous Herr Bunny.

Agent 99: Oh, it looks like we're in big trouble, Max.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: [armed only with a water pistol] I know, I'm out of water.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Well, if I don't make it, 99, I want you to do something for me.
Agent 99: What is it, Max?
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: The Chief owes me a nickel. I'd like you to have it.

Agent 99: Max... you were wonderful!
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: No 99, the real credit belongs to these toys. After all, we had at our disposal every fiendish and destructive plaything ever devised for the pleasure of little children. Those poor devils, all they had were real guns and bullets.


"Get Smart: The Mysterious Dr. T (#3.13)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that sold me the poison coffee?
Agent 99: Yes, Max. It was a Kaos front. They stayed in business almost a year just to get the Professor. Then they packed up and disappeared. Terrible, isn't it?
Maxwell Smart: It certainly is. They had the best prune danish in town.

[Max suddenly shoots a window washer]
Agent 99: Max, what did you do?
Maxwell Smart: Just eliminated a Kaos agent.
Agent 99: Well, how could you be sure?
Maxwell Smart: Because, 99, my eagle eye picked out a few things that the ordinary person might not see. First of all, his sponge was absolutely filthy. Second, he was using horizontal strokes instead of vertical strokes. And finally, he was holding his squeegee with an overlapping lacrosse grip.
Agent 99: Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain.
Maxwell Smart: I wasn't finished, 99.
Agent 99: Sorry, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain.
Agent 99: Good thinking, Max.

Mr. Smith: Eh, pardon me, I have it on reliable authority that professor Longnecker was murdered earlier this morning.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, that's true. You must be an old friend come to offer condoleances.
Mr. Smith: No, I'm the landlord, come to show the apartment.

Siegfried: Nobody leaves! Not until we have made contact with your friend Dr. T.
Maxwell Smart: Dr. T? What are you talking about, Siegfried? I never heard of a Dr. T.
# 99: Neither have I. What does he specialize in?
Siegfried: Fortune cookie messages and the Omega Deltroid Solatron Mark II.
Maxwell Smart: How do you like that? Two wild lucky guesses.

Maxwell Smart: Of course. The old microphone in the squeegee trick.


"Get Smart: The Spy Who Met Himself (#3.1)" (1967)
Chief: We don't know who they're going to impersonate next. So none of us is safe. We can't take any chances.
Maxwell Smart: [pulls out a gun] All right, that's it! Stay right where you are, nobody move!
Agent 99: Max!
Chief: What are you doing?
Maxwell Smart: Just checking you out, Mister. If you really are the Chief of Control, prove it.
Chief: Put it away.
Maxwell Smart: I'm not putting anything away until I'm completely satisified that you're not an imposter!
Chief: If you don't put it away in exactly two seconds, you're fired.
Maxwell Smart: I'm completely satisfied.

Maxwell Smart: Well, 38 it certainly is good to see you again. How's Mrs 38?
Agent 38: Oh just fine, we're expecting a little fraction soon.
[laughs up a riot]

Maxwell Smart: So, the old double agent with the two faces in the twin locker trick.
Agent 13, Impostor 13: I'm the real 13, he's the imposter!
Agent 13: No he's an imposter.
Impostor 13: He is!

Maxwell Smart: [Siegfried has broken Max' shoe phone and thrown it back to him] Ok Siegfried, that's it, you've had it. It's one thing when you fight the United States government, but it's quite another thing entirely when you start to fool around with AT&T.

Maxwell Smart: I certainly hope I shot the right one of me.


"Get Smart: Kiss of Death (#2.15)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: I'm telling you, Chief, this was no ordinary kidnap attempt. I happen to have recognized one of those hoods as a KAOS man.
Chief: What's the man's name?
Maxwell Smart: I can't remember.
Chief: What was the girl's name?
Maxwell Smart: I didn't get it.
Chief: What about the license number of the girl's car?
Maxwell Smart: I didn't see it.
Chief: How about the license of the other car?
Maxwell Smart: I didn't notice.
Chief: Max, what would you do if you were me and an agent gave you answers like 'I can't remember,' 'I didn't notice' and 'I didn't see it?'
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.

Maxwell Smart: Do you always carry two fur coats?
Tracy Dunhill: 'Course. One's for wearing, the other's for dragging.

Tracy Dunhill: Why don't you come to my party tonight?
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well, that's very nice of you. I'd like to. What time?
Tracy Dunhill: Any time. It's been going on for two months.

# 99: Oh, Max, the lab men asked me to bring you this belt to wear to the party tonight.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, thank you, 99.
# 99: It's the latest piece of special equipment. The buckle contains a minuscule tape recorder.
Maxwell Smart: What?
# 99: Minuscule. Diminutive. Microcosmic.
Maxwell Smart: Heh. You certainly have a way with words, 99.
[turns to the Chief for further explanation]
Chief: Teensy weensy.

Maxwell Smart: [Agent 44 is stationed in a sofa and a woman has just filled his glass] Who was that?
Agent 13: [takes a sip of wine] Aah. Oh, that was agent 93. Since I had to keep surveillance at a party, the Chief was nice enough to let me take along a date.


"Get Smart: Witness for the Persecution (#3.3)" (1967)
# 99: Now listen carefully. We've got to keep you out of sight for two weeks until after the Tudbury trial. Now we'll pretend to keep you here in Control headquarters. Actually we'll take you on a helicopter to hideout B, which is the penthouse suite in the Warfield hotel. Then we'll take you down an express elevator to hideout C which is the basement suite in the Warfield hotel. Then we'll take you out the back way up the fire escape to hideout D which is a shack on top of the Warfield hotel. Have you got that?
Maxwell Smart: Not all of it, 99.
# 99: What part didn't you get?
Maxwell Smart: The part after 'listen carefully'.
# 99: Don't worry, Max, I'll take you there myself. Believe me, KAOS will never, never know where you are.
Maxwell Smart: I wouldn't be too sure of that, 99.
# 99: Well how could they possibly know?
Maxwell Smart: I forgot to hang up the telephone. They're still on the other end.

Maxwell Smart: Just a minute, Mrs. Macklin, I'd like you to meet two colleagues of mine who work with me at the greeting card company.
[indicating 99]
Maxwell Smart: Eh, this is Miss Primrose, who takes care of our Easter greetings, and this is Mr. Pepperfeathers
[indicating Dr Bascomb]
Maxwell Smart: who's in charge of births and bereavements.

Maxwell Smart: But 99, you can't stay here all night.
# 99: Oh Max, we're in this together. I wanna feel that you're safe.
Maxwell Smart: But you're a girl. What if my mother walked in? She just got used to seeing me in long pants.

Dr. Bascomb: You took a terrible chance going out onto the street. What if you were seen by KAOS agents?
Maxwell Smart: I was, how do you think I got like this? They shot at me twice, tried to stab me and run me over with a vegetable truck.

Maxwell Smart: Boy, that was close, officer. I almost got killed.
Cop: Naturally. You were jay-walking. I'm gonna have to give you a ticket for that.
Maxwell Smart: But they were shooting at me!
Cop: That's homicide. I'm traffic.


"Get Smart: How to Succeed in the Spy Business Without Really Trying (#2.25)" (1967)
# 99: It's Siegfried!
Maxwell Smart: Yes. My old friend and bitter enemy.

Siegfried: Tell your Chief I am ready to cooperate with Control. Also I will sell them some of Kaos' top secrets.
Maxwell Smart: All right, Siegfried, I'll tell 'em. But I don't think the Chief will trust you.
Siegfried: Give me one good reason why he shouldn't trust me.
Maxwell Smart: Because you're a rotten, vicious, cruel, cunning, maniacal murderer.
Siegfried: All right, that's one. Now give me another.

# 99: If Siegfried is on the level, Chief, think of all the valuable information we can get from him.
Chief: Yes, you may be right. Max, where does he want to meet?
Maxwell Smart: In the same warehouse.
Chief: Well all right, but if it's a trap and we get killed, you're fired!
Chief: [pause] Max, you know I'm frightened...
Maxwell Smart: Why Chief?
Chief: I'm beginning to sound like you.

Maxwell Smart: And now for the 'defector of the year' award. Outside this room is a KAOS traitor. One of their top agents who is now operating completely with Control. Although he is not going to get a golden pistol, he has received honorable mention for the Benedict Arnold medallion.

Maxwell Smart: The old gas mask in the false nose trick!


"Get Smart: Don't Look Back (#3.18)" (1968)
# 99: Don't worry Max, we've got the best criminal lawyer available.
Maxwell Smart: [quite exited] Gregson?
Chief: No, he wouldn't touch the case.
Maxwell Smart: [less enthusiastic] Boumser?
# 99: No, he said he was leaving town.
Chief: Right after he heard about your case...
Maxwell Smart: [getting worried] Yarmy?
# 99: No, he's defending the Boston Strangler.
Maxwell Smart: [desperate] Don't tell me it's Hanrahan?
# 99, Chief: It's Hanrahan.
Maxwell Smart: I asked you not to tell me that! He hasn't won a case in 30 years!
Chief: I guess he just want to keep his record perfect.

Maxwell Smart: Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. For the past twenty minutes I have sat idly by while my worthy opponent, the prosecuting attorney has stood up here and made a complete jackass out of himself. Now it's my turn.

Maxwell Smart: Now it's easy for the prosecuting attorney to stand up here and accuse me of all these horrible crimes. It's easy for him, he's got proof. But what about me?

Maxwell Smart: Do you have any vacancies here?
Desk Clerk: We always got vacancies. What do you want, the bridal suite or the royal suite?
Maxwell Smart: The royal suite.
Desk Clerk: The bridal suite's nearer the bathroom.

Maxwell Smart: Well I guess that just about wraps up the case, Gronski.
Gronski: Well I guess I was wrong, Smart. No hard feelings, huh?
Maxwell Smart: No, no hard feelings, you were just trying to execute me.


"Get Smart: Diamonds Are a Spy's Best Friend (#4.5)" (1968)
Chief: [on fire hydrant-phone] Max, this could be the work of the League of Bald Headed Men, that's KAOS' smuggling unit. They're clever and ingenious. There's nothing they can't accomplish.
Maxwell Smart: [on steering wheel-phone] How come they can't grow hair?
Chief: Max, they don't wanna grow hair, that's their trademark. That's how they identify each other.
Maxwell Smart: Alright, Chief, I'll keep my eyes open. In the meantime, you pick up Yul Brynner and Dean Rusk.

Jeweler: Can I help you?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, I'm looking for a diamond engagement ring for my fiancée. Money is no object.
Jeweler: Eh, what price did you have in mind?
Maxwell Smart: 80 dollars.

Maxwell Smart: You keep soap in your pocketbock?
Agent 99: Well, it looks like soap and it feels like soap but actually it's a camouflage for a secret carrying case.
Maxwell Smart: Well what do you keep in the carrying case?
Agent 99: Soap.

Maxwell Smart: It's Spiegel's jewelry store, right around the corner of Spiegel's drugstore, next to Spiegel's delicatessen, where Spiegel's cleaners used to be.
Agent 99: And where is that?
Maxwell Smart: Fourth and Spiegel.

Chief: Absolutely brilliant!
Maxwell Smart: Thank you Chief.
Chief: Oh, not you, Max, I mean the way they smuggled the diamonds.


"Get Smart: A Tale of Two Tails (#4.7)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [Max is a substitute teacher in a Control class] Caruso, you ought to know better than to bring an outsider into this classroom.
Lundy, Agent 198: He does it every day and every day she gets thrown out.
Maxwell Smart: Well why do you do that?
Caruso, Agent 199: I like to watch her leave.

Maxwell Smart: Agent 99 happens to be one of Control's shadowing experts. As a matter of fact, she won the Lamont Cranston Award three years in a row.

Maxwell Smart: The Cone of Silence was invented by a professor Cohn?
Chief: That's right.
Maxwell Smart: [looks up at the CoS] That's funny, doesn't look it.

Maxwell Smart: So, the old flat iron in the hot coals trick, eh? Well my friend, two can play at that game!

Maxwell Smart: Yes, 99, but there's an old Chinese proverb that goes: life is like a pair of chopsticks. If you grab them... eh, you, eh... No, that's not it. Let me see... Ehm... Life is like a shirt. If you lose your buttons, you... No, that isnt it either. Let's see... I've got it! Life is a kumquat.
# 99: That's it?
Maxwell Smart: Life isn't a kumquat?


"Get Smart: The Last One in Is a Rotten Spy (#1.30)" (1966)
Greco: You don't look like a trainer to me.
Maxwell Smart: Is that so. Well, I happen to be an expert. Why, I once trained a girl to swim across the English channel four times. Would you believe it, four times!
Greco: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe three times across the Mississippi?
Greco: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about twice around the bathtub?
[Greco walks off]
Maxwell Smart: [to 99 and the Chief] Once around the bathtub?

Chief: [Max just dove into a pool to retrieve a bottle which turns out to be empty] Sorry about that, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Well, that's all right, Chief. It wasn't a complete waste of time. This is a deposit bottle. I can get a nickel back on it.

Maxwell Smart: Chief, the food here is terrible. This sandwich tastes like I'm chewing on paper.
# 99: Max, the message!
Maxwell Smart: [realizing] I'm chewing on paper.
Maxwell Smart: [takes out the message] Chief, it's the message: unable to leave message in pool. The names of the enemy agents are:
Chief: Are what?
Maxwell Smart: In my stomach.
Chief: What?
Maxwell Smart: I ate the rest of the message, Chief.

Chief: Max, please be careful. You'll be out there alone. A walking target for a killer.
Maxwell Smart: And... loving it.

Maxwell Smart: Well at least we won't have any trouble with these good old American names:
Maxwell Smart: [reads from a list] Bobby Jean Harper, Betty June Parker, Bonnie Joan Booker and Bunny Jane Baker.


"Get Smart: Schwartz's Island (#4.13)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: This is the strangest island that I've even been on. There's absolutely nothing to eat. I've been up in those trees for hours. There's no coconuts, no bananas.
99: What about fish?
Maxwell Smart: There's no fish up there either.

Maxwell Smart: 99, these footprints were made by a man six feet two and a half inches tall, two hundred and twenty four and a quarter pounds, blond hair, blue eyes, a scar on his left cheek and walked with a decided limp.
99: Now Max, that's very hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe it if I took out the limp?

Maxwell Smart: What is it, Max?
99: Well, either it's the biggest magnet in the world or it's the biggest horsshoe in the world. And if it's the biggest horseshoe, I'd hate to see the horse.

99: [stuck in synthetic sand] Oh, we're never gonna get out of here alive, Max.
Maxwell Smart: I know it, 99, I just wish Bannister were here.
99: Who's Bannister?
Chief: Control's top agent.
99: Why do you wish he were was here, Max?
Maxwell Smart: I don't like him.

99: How can you move around an island this size?
Siegfried: I don't suppose you've seen the back of this island, have you?
Maxwell Smart: No, why?
Siegfried: We have the biggest outboard motor you ever saw!
Starker: The biggest!
[imitates motor sound]
Siegfried: Starker! This is KAOS! We don't
[imitates sound]
Siegfried: here!


"Get Smart: Pheasant Under Glass (#5.1)" (1969)
Chief: [meeting on the moon] What took you so long? Do you know what time it is?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, 99's mother called us just before we left Earth.
Chief: Well, this is probably the last time we'll be able to have these secret meetings on the moon anyway. Now that the astronauts have landed succesfully, there'll probably be a lot more of them coming.
Maxwell Smart: Well, we really shouldn't complain, Chief, we've had it for four years.

Agent 99: [Max is about to jump and climb over a wall] I'm gonna have a baby, Max.
Maxwell Smart: A baby?
[runs straight through the wall]

Chief: Larrabee, has that sample come back from the Control lab yet?
Larabee: It's on my desk, Chief.
Chief: Bring it in.
Larabee: I'll need somebody to help me, that desk is pretty heavy.
Maxwell Smart: I'll help ya, Larrabee.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief. If she's gonna go in and sing that note to break that glass, We got to get her into KAOS headquarters.
Chief: That's allready been taken care of, Max. Belasco, like all KAOS agents, is an opera lover.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief. If my face is so well known, supposing I had it changed?
Chief: Max, the recital is tomorrow night. You know how long plastic surgery takes.
Maxwell Smart: Not if I go to Proctor.
Chief: Who's Proctor?
Maxwell Smart: Hector Proctor.
Chief: Who's Hector Proctor?
Maxwell Smart: A Doctor. Doctor Hector Proctor.


"Get Smart: Temporarily Out of CONTROL (#4.12)" (1968)
99: [Max has booked a trip to the Caribbean on a banana boat] A banana boat, is that safe?
Maxwell Smart: Well, this boat has an excellent safety record, 99. In 40 years it's only had one mishap. That's when it collided with a freighter carrying cornflakes.
99: But that's terrible!
Maxwell Smart: Not really, fortunately a sugar boat came along.

Maxwell Smart: I don't understand it, Chief, I thought that joining the naval reserve was part of our cover as spies, I never dreamed that they'd call us up for active duty.
Chief: Well that's because they don't know we're spies. Control is such a super secret organization that even the army and navy don't know we excist.
Maxwell Smart: Well I still don't think it's fair, I mean after all, they never draft the CIA.
Chief: Well that's because the CIA isn't a secret organization. It's supposed to be, but it's not.

Chief: José Vargas is going to be in Washington this week. He'll only be here two days and I wanted to be here to see him.
Maxwell Smart: Well I hardly think that a Spanish flamenco dancer is more important than my honeymoon.
Chief: Max, José Vargas is a member of the Spanish Secret Service.
Maxwell Smart: Oh that José Vargas, well he's a member of the S.S.S.
Chief: The S.S.S., S.S.S.
Maxwell Smart: The S.S.S., S.S.S., S.S.S?
Chief: The Spanish Secret Service Strategic Security Staff.
Maxwell Smart: Of course. The Spanish Securita Saff, seeve, secret service, secret Spanish staff, the - he's one of those Spanish spies, Chief. The fellow with the little mustache and the big Chihuahua.
Chief: No Max, the little Chihuahua. Big mustache.
Maxwell Smart: His little Chihuahua has a big mustache?

99: Oh, Max, I'll miss you so much, I'll write to you every day.
Maxwell Smart: I'll write to you twice a day, 99.
99: That'll be an awful lot of letters, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, we can save them and read them on our honeymoon. It will give us something to do.

Chief: I suffer from acrophobia.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Fear of acrobats?
Chief: No, fear of high places.


"Get Smart: Too Many Chiefs (#1.11)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart: It's so simple! No wonder we were never able to crack that code. That's the way it always is, it's right there under your nose and you never see it. 'Marmalade'. Of course. And for two years we've been working on 'jelly'.

Maxwell Smart: [having been kissed passionately by Tanya] Well, I think I'd like to unpack my room, if you'll just show me to my bag.

Chief: [choosing a double countersign] Here's a good one. I'll say: 'The migrating birds fly low over the sea'. You say: 'Shadeless windows admit no light'. Then I'll say: 'The wingless dove protects its nest' and you'll say: 'The toothless tiger rules the restless jungle'. Have you got that?
Maxwell Smart: Yes Chief.
Chief: All right, let's try it. The migrating birds fly low over the sea.
Maxwell Smart: The restless jungle admits no shades.
Chief: No Max, no, I have the restless jungle, you have the shadeless windows and the wingless doves.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I thought you had the wingless doves and I had the shadeless windows.
Chief: No, Max.
Maxwell Smart: But how about this for a double countersign, Chief? You say: 'Hello Max' and I say: 'Hi, Chief' and you say...
Chief: Smart!

Chief: [the chief drinks a glass of Bourbon, thinking it's buttermilk to ease his throat] That's not buttermilk!
Maxwell Smart: You bet your sweet life it isn't!

Insurance Man: [at the door of Max's apartment] How do you do? I'm your mutual insurance agent?
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Come right in.
[the man does so, only to be karate-chopped in the neck by Max. The insurance man falls to the floor]
Tanya: Who is he?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I'm not quite sure yet.
[He takes the man's wallet out of his pocket and opens it]
Maxwell Smart: Aha, just as I thought. He's my mutual insurance agent.
[the man starts coming around. Max helps him to his feet]
Maxwell Smart: All right, fella, come on, let's go. You've probably got a lot of calls to make. I'm sorry about that.
Insurance Man: That's okay. A lot of people feel that way about insurance.


"Get Smart: Pilot (#1.1)" (1995)
Chief Maxwell Smart: But 99, I never get to see you anymore. You're always outta town. On my birthday, New Years Eve, on our anniversary, you went to Norway to give an award to some figure skater.
99: I asked you to come along.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Oh, come on, 99, you know there's a price on my head in Norway.
[leans on chair with wheels, falls over and gets up again]
Chief Maxwell Smart: Or was that Pittsburgh? I gotta get that right before I go on vacation.

Chief Maxwell Smart: Come on, 99, the boy is ready for action.
Zach Smart: Like a thirsty zebra!
Chief Maxwell Smart: Hear that? Like a thirsty... What does that mean?

99: Zach, do you realize what you'd be getting in to? Living everyday under cover, your life in constant danger, suffering painful torture at the hands of vicious, ruthless people...
Zach Smart, Chief Maxwell Smart: And... loving it

Chief Maxwell Smart: I've got a mission for ya, 66. Have you ever done any modeling?
Agent 66: Would'a be waste of grade 'A' meat if I hadn't.

Chief Maxwell Smart: You eat danger for breakfast?
Zach Smart: Would you believe lunch?
Chief Maxwell Smart: Don't do that.


"Get Smart: Shipment to Beirut (#1.29)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: I don't know what you're selling 99, but I'll take two of each.

Chief: Now remember, now that we know that KAOS is in possession of the stolen plans, what we have to find out is how they intend to smuggle them out of the country and when.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. Well, what you're saying, Chief is that now that we know how, all we have to do is find out who, when and where.
Chief: No, forget about where. When we find out how, we'll know where.
Maxwell Smart: Well, how will how tell us where?
Chief: If it's going by boat, it's probably going to Richelieu's salon in Beirut, which is a safe port. If it's going by plane, it'll probably go to his salon in Damascus. You understand?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, I understand Chief, but I don't think I quite agree with you. You see all you've told me is that we know how but we don't know who, when or where. So that tells us that we don't know anything.
Chief: [blinks] What?
Maxwell Smart: Well, we know who, and that doesn't tell us when, so why should how tell us where?
Chief: Max, you're driving me crazy.
Maxwell Smart: How?
Chief: Don't say that word!
Maxwell Smart: Why?

Maxwell Smart: No 99, I can't let you do it, it's too risky. No, it's out of the question. And there's nothing that you can say or do that will make me change my mind. That's final, that settles it, that's it.
# 99: But Max, I want to.
Maxwell Smart: Ok.

Maxwell Smart: [speaking on 99's cologne bottle phone] Good idea, 99. And just so nobody will recognize me, I'll disguise my face.
# 99: [speaking on her compact phone] But Max, if you disguise your face, how will I recognize you?
Maxwell Smart: [sprays himself in the face with the cologne bottle again in order to reply] Just look for a man who smells like a woman.

Maxwell Smart: Oh, and one more thing: you were wrong about where.
Chief: I was wrong about what?
Maxwell Smart: Not what, where. You see, knowing how the shipment was sent didn't tell us who, it only told us why.
Chief: What are you talking about?
# 99: How and when didn't tell us what and where.
Chief: You too?
# 99: When we knew what and how, we should have known when and where.
Maxwell Smart: No, why and who told us when and where.


"Get Smart: Is This Trip Necessary? (#5.12)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: Well, I guess Jarvis Pym will get his fifty million dollars.
Chief: But that's blackmail, Max, you know what happens when you pay off a blackmailer?
Maxwell Smart: He gives you a receipt?
Chief: No, he comes back the next day and asks for more money. Besides, we have no guarantee that if we pay the fifty million, Pym will destroy the drug.
Maxwell Smart: Yes we do, if he gives us a receipt.

Maxwell Smart: Of course! The old pestle in the mortar trick.
Dr. Jarvis Pym: No, the old mortar in the mortar trick.

Dr. Jarvis Pym: Observe.
[opens secret compartment in his ring]
Dr. Jarvis Pym: Sodium Calcium Chloride, do you know what that is?
Maxwell Smart: An artificial sweetener?
Dr. Jarvis Pym: No, it's the second most deadly poison in the world.
Maxwell Smart: What's the first?
Dr. Jarvis Pym: Artificial sweetener.

Dr. Jarvis Pym: [about to swallow a deadly poison hidden in a secret compartment in his ring] Well, goodbye, Mr and Mrs Smart.
Maxwell Smart: Not so fast, Pym. Observe.
[opens secret compartment in his ring]
Dr. Jarvis Pym: What's that?
Maxwell Smart: Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you take that Sodium Calcium Chloride, I'll shove this down your throat. Not the ring, the powder. And you'll be alive again.
Dr. Jarvis Pym: That's very clever of you, Mr. Smart, but I was prepared. Observe again:
[opens secret compartment in another ring]
Dr. Jarvis Pym: Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you bring me back to life, I shall take this and then I shall be permanently disposed of.
Maxwell Smart: Temporarily permanently disposed of.
[opens secret compartment on yet another ring]
Maxwell Smart: You know what's in here?
Dr. Jarvis Pym: No.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, that makes two of us. What in here, 99?
Agent 99: Anti-pro-anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you take Sodium Calcium Chloride and Max brings you back to life with Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride and you decide to destroy yourself again with Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride, Max will bring you back to life again with Anti-Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride.
Dr. Jarvis Pym: Well, that's easy enough for you to say. I've run out of rings.
Maxwell Smart: Well I'm glad to hear that, it was my turn next.

Chief: Just don't get caught. Capture would mean certain death.
Maxwell Smart: Suicide mission, huh chief? Well, you've picked the right man.
Chief: I hope so.
Maxwell Smart: You hope what, that you picked the right man or that it's a suicide mission?


"Get Smart: Strike While the Agent Is Hot (#2.2)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: Now, here's a point that all the men are very, very interested in: for example. If we're captured by enemy agents and taken to a foreign country, why can't we come back tourist class instead of having to stow away?

Chief: 'The little red tractor that huffed and puffed'.
Agent 99: Must be some kind of code, Chief.
Chief: That's possible, 99
Maxwell Smart: [slaps the table] That's it, Chief.
Chief: That's what?
Maxwell Smart: Red means communist. Tractor means farmer. Huff and puff means tired.
[sits back with a smug look on his face]
Chief: What's that supposed to mean?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know. Find a tired communist farmer and ask him.

KAOS Agent #2: Where did you shoot me?
Maxwell Smart: Left chest.
KAOS Agent #2: Ah! Good!
Maxwell Smart: Good?
KAOS Agent #2: As a KAOS agent, I get double indemnity for getting shot above the waist.
Maxwell Smart: Double indemnity for being shot only once?
KAOS Agent #2: Not only that, if I'm shot and I don't die instantly my family gets an additional 25 per cent for suffering...
Maxwell Smart: Unbelievable.
KAOS Agent #2: And if I survive my wounds, I get a guaranteed six weeks convalescence leave with pay.
Maxwell Smart: With pay? You gotta be putting me on.
KAOS Agent #2: Not only that, we get to stay free in any resort on our KAOS credit card, American plan. Three superb meals a day. Tennis, golf, bingo parties, dance lessons and... free... funerals.
[finally succumbs to his wounds]
Maxwell Smart: Lucky devil. Bingo parties? I didn't know KAOS was religious?

Maxwell Smart: How do you like that? The old secret panel in the bookcase trick. How corny can you get?
KAOS Agent #1: It fooled you, didn't it?
Maxwell Smart: Just barely.

Chief: Max, that's good shooting.
Maxwell Smart: I know Chief, I got him right in the fiction section.


"Get Smart: Smart the Assassin (#1.22)" (1966)
Chief: There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next. May be even the Pentagon.
Maxwell Smart: You're right, Chief. But even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days.
Chief: Three days? Max, no agent could be that confused.
Maxwell Smart: Well, let me see now. I went in on a Friday...

Maxwell Smart: Chief, when was the last time I beat you at chess?
Chief of Control: You've never beaten me at chess, Max.
Maxwell Smart: That long ago, eh?

Maxwell Smart: The old timebomb in the roll trick.

Woman Agent: Tell me, Max, where does your Chief go on wednesday nights?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I'm afraid you'll have to be a little more specific than that, Shirley. What wednesday night?
Woman Agent: How about next Wednesday night?
Maxwell Smart: You're wasting your time. That's classified information.
Woman Agent: Then what are you doing next Wednesday night, Maxie? Maybe we could do it together.
Maxwell Smart: Well, I'm afraid not. You see, I'm guarding the Chief at a concert next Wednesday night.

Maxwell Smart: [the Chief raises the Cone of Silence] Well what's the matter, Chief?
Chief of Control: What's the matter? Didn't you hear that echo?
Maxwell Smart: Didn't I hear what?
Chief of Control: Echo, echo, echo!
Maxwell Smart: Oh yes, I heard it that time.


"Get Smart: Smart Fell on Alabama (#5.6)" (1969)
Chief: Max, this is a suicide mission. Whoever goes, will probably never come back.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, whoever it is, Chief, let's wish him good luck.
Chief: Good luck, Max.

Larabee: Gee, I'm sorry I'm late, 99, did you have the baby yet?
Maxwell Smart: Of course she didn't have the baby yet. What are you doing here?
Larabee: I came here to take her to the hospital to have the baby.
Maxwell Smart: Well, we don't know when she's going to have the baby, she could have it tonight, she could have it tomorrow night, she could have it the next night.
Larabee: Gee, I hope not, Max, that's why I'm here now. I'm tied up for the rest of the week.

Maxwell Smart: Now, according to my calculations, the safe should be - right behind that painting.
Simmons: Are you sure?
Maxwell Smart: Here, help me move this safe over, so I can stand on it and get a better look.

Colonel Kyle K. Kirby: [Max and Simmons are caught by the Colonel] So, Control agents, huh?
Maxwell Smart: [Max covers the number sewn on his uniform] I don't know what you're talking about. We're just regular, run-of-the-mill, everyday burglars.
Colonel Kyle K. Kirby: What's your name?
Maxwell Smart: I don't have to give you my name, Colonel, all I have to do is to give you my Control serial number: 8-6-5...

Agent 99: [on phone] The Chief is waiting for me downstairs. I'm on my way to the hospital right now.
Maxwell Smart: [on wristwatch phone] Are you alright, 99?
Agent 99: Yes. The pains are coming every ten minutes now.
Maxwell Smart: [in the process of being whipped by the Colonel] Good. Mine are coming every five seconds.


"Get Smart: I Shot 86 Today (#4.18)" (1969)
Agent 99: Do you think that's our contact over there?
Maxwell Smart: We'll know in a minute, 99, I'll give 'em the password.
Maxwell Smart: [walks up to golfer] Hi there!
Fargo: Hello.
Maxwell Smart: He's our man. I'm 86, she's 99.
Fargo: Say, you two have some handicaps!
Maxwell Smart: No, we're the Control agents that you asked to see. Aren't you Fred Fargo?
Fargo: No, I'm Frank Fargo.
Maxwell Smart: Frank Fargo? But we were supposed to meet Fred Fargo.
Fargo: Fred Fargo is my sister in law Frieda's father. Furthermore, he flew to Frankfurt, Friday.

Maxwell Smart: What are you doing?
Dr. Simon: Exorcising. I've gotta keep in shape. You know what they say: a healthy body makes a healthy mind.
Maxwell Smart: You must have some mind.

Maxwell Smart: 99, how can you worry about a ring at a time like this? We've got less than two hours before that missile center is gonna blow up. And not only do we not know how it's going to be done, we don't even know who is gonna do it.
Agent 99: We know when.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, knowing when isn't gonna tell us who or how. I'd gladly trade my when for a who and a how.
Agent 99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Eh... Why. Yeah, a good question, 99. Well, you see, if we know who, then we can watch how who did it, and then that will give us our who, our how, and our when.
Agent 99: That makes sense.
Maxwell Smart: I know it, 99, that's what worries me.

Maxwell Smart: Of course! The old mortar in the rocks in the 14th hole trick.

Agent 99: [during golf cart chase] Faster, Max, faster!
Maxwell Smart: I can't go any faster, 99, I got it up to 8 miles an hour now!


"Get Smart: Someone Down Here Hates Me (#2.17)" (1967)
KAOS Hood: With that kind of a price on your head, every killer in the country is gonna be after you. You don't stand a chance.
Maxwell Smart: Oh really? Well I've got news for you, fella. Anybody who tries to collect that reward is gonna have to do it over my dead body.

Maxwell Smart: Sorry Chief, but don't ever pull a handkerchief on a friend.

Maxwell Smart: [13 is hiding in an ice cream vending machine] Agent 13?
Agent 13: No, it's the abominable snowman. Of course it's me.
Maxwell Smart: All right, what have you got, 13?
Agent 13: You name it: pneumonia, bronchitis, frostbite, the flu.

Maxwell Smart: It must be very gratifying, Dr. Noodelman, to give people new hope, a new life.
Dr. Noodelman: He who is blessed with a gift and does not share it lives in darkness.
Maxwell Smart: I must remember that. I'm getting a little tired of 'a coward dies a thousand deaths'.

Maxwell Smart: Doctor, I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth. Are you going to kill me?
Dr. Noodelman: [smiling broadly] Yes.
Maxwell Smart: Wouldn't you like a little more time to think over your answer?


"Get Smart: The Treasure of C. Errol Madre (#5.5)" (1969)
Chief: When KAOS hijacked that money from us yesterday, Max, it put is into deep financial trouble. This is Control's temporary headquarters.
Maxwell Smart: In an elevator?
Chief: It was this or the men's room.

Chief: This may be the break we've been waiting for. I asked the CIA and FBI if they'd share some of their federal funds with us.
[reads note]
Maxwell Smart: It's a waste of time, Chief, you know what they'll tell you to do.
Chief: I have to go to the city morgue right away.
Maxwell Smart: See?

Maxwell Smart: [impersonating Humphrey Bogart] Where is everybody?
Bartender: Banditos came through here an hour ago and took all our women.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well, why didn't you go after them?
Bartender: Have you ever seen our women?

C. Errol Madre: I've been waiting a long time, what do ya say we get started mañana?
Maxwell Smart: Well, if it's all the same to you, Madre, I'd just as soon start tomorrow. Unless of course you wanna start mañana, it's up to you.

Maxwell Smart: Who is it, Madre?
C. Errol Madre: It's Goldmouth.
Maxwell Smart: The Senator from Arizona?
C. Errol Madre: The Bandito!


"Get Smart: Survival of the Fattest (#1.15)" (1965)
Agent #1: [Max is being slapped around by the Control grill team] Agent 86, you must remember something...
Maxwell Smart: [exasperated] Water... water... I gotta have some water.
Chief: Here Max, this'll help
[as the Chief hands him a glass of water, Max knocks it out of the Chief's hand]
Maxwell Smart: Don't give me any water, Chief! How do you expect me to break down and talk?

Chief: Mary 'Jack' Armstrong, the strongest female counter spy in the world. Max, you've got to be especially carefull, she is gorgeous and deadly.
Maxwell Smart: [with emphasis] So... am I.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Thank you, eh, mister...
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I'm sorry.
[takes out a calling card]
Maxwell Smart: Bill Banford, president of the Ramid American Oil Company.
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: I've seen Mr. Banford. He's a tall, sixty year old man with grey hair, he was a guest in our hotel once.
Maxwell Smart: Oh.
[takes out another card]
Maxwell Smart: Well how about Fred Lamister, munitions.
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: I think I've seen him.
Maxwell Smart: Oh.
[picks another card]
Maxwell Smart: Harry Schlerb, toy manufacturer?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Well...
Maxwell Smart: Mervin Gribbs, calling card manufacturer?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: I've never met the man.
Maxwell Smart: Ah!
[picks up his glass]
Maxwell Smart: Then meet Mervin Gribbs.
[they clink]

Maxwell Smart: The old finger in the gun trick. That's the second time I've used it this month.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: You have become a nuisance, Mr. Smart, and you know what I do with nuisances?
Maxwell Smart: You ignore them and hope they'll go away?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Wrong.
Maxwell Smart: Wrong. You don't ignore them and hope they'll go away?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Wrong.
Maxwell Smart: Wrong again.
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: I dispose of them once and for all.
Maxwell Smart: That was my next guess.


"Get Smart: Closely Watched Planes (#4.3)" (1968)
Busby: [having just learned 86 and 99 are engaged] How long have known her, 86?
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I've known 99 since she was 24.
Busby: I thought Huffacker was 24?

Maxwell Smart: I get it, Chief. You want me to find out how they're doing it.
Chief: No, I think the key to this is to find out who is doing it.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Right. Now, if I find out how they're doing it, then I will know who is doing it.
# 99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Hmm?
# 99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Eh... yes, why, Chief?
Chief: Why what?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, why if I find out how they're doing it, will I know who is doing it?
Chief: Because if you find out who is doing it and how they're doing it, it stands to reason you'll find out why they're doing it.
Maxwell Smart: [to 99] That's why.
[turns back to the Chief]
Maxwell Smart: When?
Chief: You can go now, Max.

Woman Passenger: [having seen Max using his donut and coffee cup phone] Pardon me sir, may I have your donut?
Maxwell Smart: Why?
Woman Passenger: Mine isn't working.

Miss Cleveland: [pointing a gun at Max] I have something for you. Get in here.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I hope it's not more coffee.

Maxwell Smart: May I have your attention please for a moment? Everything is under control and there's absolutely nothing to worry about. We will be landing in Miami in just a few moments. However, there is one small problem. Does anybody here know how to land a four engine jet?


"Get Smart: Cutback at Control (#2.18)" (1967)
Senator: Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: Who's the number one man in your organization?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: How many cases were assigned to Control last year?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
Senator: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?
Maxwell Smart: They can't fire me.
Senator: And why not?
Maxwell Smart: I know too much.

Maxwell Smart: [Max's car has just been repossessed] Oh, one thing: be careful of the machine gun in the exhaust pipe. It's been backfiring lately.
Finance Man: Machine gun in the exhaust pipe, right.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, another thing: don't remove the radiator cap. It sprays a poisonous gas.
Finance Man: Poisonous gas from radiator. Right.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, one last thing: don't use the cigarette lighter. It's a hand grenade.
Finance Man: Lighter is a hand grenade. Right... you've got a dangerous car there.
Maxwell Smart: I don't know why you say that, it's got seatbelts.

Maxwell Smart: [disguised as an old man] All right, Siegfried, what's the deal?
Siegfried: [disguised as an old lady] Schmart, KAOS is a growing organisation. And you'll be working with a great bunch of boys.
Maxwell Smart: I don't know, Siegfried, I've heard there not all as rotten as the pretend to be.
Siegfried: Not as rotten? Are you kidding? They are all former grease masters, disc jockeys, used car salesmen, TV repairmen und politicians.

Siegfried: What are you doing here? You should be studying for tomorrow's exam.
Maxwell Smart: Oh yes of course. Well, you see, Siegfried, I thought it would be a lot easier to study for tomorrow's exam if I had a copy of it tonight.
Siegfried: Excellent! All ze world loves a cheat. Forget the exam, you just passed it.

Maxwell Smart: One shot from that pistol, and the cops will come rolling in here like oranges.


"Get Smart: Stakeout on Blue Mist Mountain (#1.24)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: [speaking on a fire hydrant phone] Hello Control? This is Maxwell Smart. No, Smart. S as in splendid, M as in marvelous, A as in...

Nealis: [Max' tie is stuck in a KAOS agents suitcase] What are you doing down there?
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe a Jolson medley?

Nealis: You will get nothing out of me, Mr. Smart. KAOS trains it's men well. I can take threats, torture, starvation. How about you?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I can take threats and starvation. Torture I'm not too crazy about.

Maxwell Smart: [Max shoe phone started ringing while he was delivering a suitcase to some KAOS men] I guess it was a wrong number.
KAOS Agent #2: But we told ya, we don't have a phone.
Maxwell Smart: Well you'd better get one. As long as you've got the ringing, you might as well have a phone, right?

Chief of Control: [Max has disarmed a bomb by getting his tie stuck in the mechanism] I don't know how you did it, Max, but you just saved the East Coast, maybe the whole world. That was a close one.
Maxwell Smart: You don't know how close it was, Chief. I was thinking of wearing my bow tie today.


"Get Smart: Operation Ridiculous (#3.21)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: Well, you fell for the old remote control self propelled spinning doorknob trick.

Chief: This morning I received a phone call that may change the destiny of our entire organization. Weeknews magazine is going to do a feature story on us.
Maxwell Smart: Weeknews magazine?
Chief: They picked us over Eddie Fisher, Ho Chi Minh and the President's grandson.
# 99: Do you think publicity is such a good idea, Chief?
Maxwell Smart: Well of course it is. The CIA is in the newspapers all the time and the FBI has it's own television show. We're the only secret organization in the world that nobody ever heard of.

Mr. Fitzmaurice: Are there any real rooms on this floor?
Maxwell Smart: Naturally none. Because you see this is a false 8th floor.
Mr. Fitzmaurice: Oh, this is a false 8th floor?
Maxwell Smart: Yes. The real 8th floor is on the 9th floor.
Mr. Fitzmaurice: Oh, then the floor below this is the 7th floor?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, no, you see we didn't have room in this building for the 7th floor so we put it in the building next door. Now the building next door has two 7th floors.
Mr. Fitzmaurice: Two 7th floors?
Maxwell Smart: Yes. It's a very interesting thing to know in case you ever go there. Which you probably won't, because the building next door is a false building.

Maxwell Smart: [indicating a large trunk] Wardrobe trunk door.
Mr. Fitzmaurice: Oh, naturally. Eh, do you have such a thing as a door-door in this organization?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, but it's a window.

Maxwell Smart: Every open and shut case has its loophole.


"Get Smart: Valerie of the Dolls (#5.3)" (1969)
Chief: California is expecting an earthquake. Now this is the perfect alibi for KAOS: they blow California into the ocean and everybody will blame it on the earthquake.
Agent 99: But Chief, if that were to happen...
Chief: That's right, 99, it would be a disaster.
Maxwell Smart: And some disaster! Just think, Ronald Reagan would have to go back to making movies again!

Agent 99: [walking towards door] Who is it?
Maxwell Smart: [off screen, behind door] It's me, honey.
Agent 99: What's the password?
Maxwell Smart: I lost my wallet.
Agent 99: That's not the password.
Maxwell Smart: I know, but I had the password written on a piece of paper in my wallet.
Agent 99: That's Max!
[opens door]

Maxwell Smart: [after the doorbell rings] Be quiet.
[draws his gun]
Agent 99: Do you think it might be KAOS?
Maxwell Smart: Either that or your mother.

Maxwell Smart: Of course! The old secret supply room in the supply room trick.

Maxwell Smart: Just a moment. Supposing that I don't pull the string on any of the dolls? Supposing I just wait here until somebody comes and finds me?
Valerie: Unfortunately, my dear Mr. Smart, there's only enough air left in this room to last 30 minutes.
[leaves, sliding door shut]
Maxwell Smart: [shouting] Oh yeah? Well supposing I hold my breath?


"Get Smart: Shock It to Me (#4.22)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief, I read about that case in the papers. Three guys went into Fort Knox and they got 600 pounds of gold bars, put 'em in a sack, dropped them from a roof, to a guy who was waiting on the ground below.
Chief: That's right, Max.
Maxwell Smart: And then all three guys on the roof were shot down.
Agent 99: How'd the fourth man die, Max?
Maxwell Smart: He caught the sack.

Maxwell Smart: Excuse me, but I've always been curious: what makes a person wanna work in a morgue?
Mr. Obler: I like a job where you meet people.

Maxwell Smart: Dr. Zharko, KAOS' mad scientist?
Agent 99: But Chief, that's not possible. He was arrested by the Transylvanian highway patrol over a year ago and executed.
Maxwell Smart: Well that's probably when he decided to experiment with bringing people back to life.
Agent 99: While he was dead?
Maxwell Smart: Well, he probably had a lot of time on his hands.

Dr. Zharko: So, Mr. Smart, we meet again.
Maxwell Smart: We've never met before.
Dr. Zharko: No? Oh, I thought we had. Must have been your brother.
Maxwell Smart: I don't have a brother.
Dr. Zharko: Would you like me to make you one?

Maxwell Smart: Then it's true: you really can bring people back from the dead.
Dr. Zharko: Yes, as long as I receive the bodies before rigor mortis sets in.
Maxwell Smart: Well, that lets Ed Sullivan out.


"Get Smart: Hubert's Unfinished Symphony (#1.26)" (1966)
Badeff: You like that, Mr. Wilcox? Are you certain you're a music lover?
Maxwell Smart: Well, of course I am. Why, do you know that I once listened to 3 straight weeks of Beethoven? Would you believe it? 3 weeks of Beethoven!
Badeff: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe 2 weeks of Bach?
Badeff: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about an hour of Looney Tunes?

Maxwell Smart: I may never get to play with the Philharmonic, but on the other hand...
Chief: Yes?
Maxwell Smart: Is Leonard Bernstein licensed to kill?

Maxwell Smart: Is Rudolph Hubert a regular Control agent who became a concert violinist, or is it the other way around?
Chief of Control: No, he's always been a control agent but his talent as a violinist has given him a perfect cover. And it gives him access to places where our other agents couldn't get in.
Maxwell Smart: Gee, that's the glamorous end of the business, Chief. Too bad I flunked out of spy music school.

Agent 44: [Agent 44 is stationed upside down in a cello case] Hey 86, you know, I'm getting tired of these assignments. The blood's been rushing to my head all day. I had an awful time digesting my dinner.
Maxwell Smart: Anything I can do for ya?
Agent 44: Just one thing. Could you pick up the loose change from the bottom of the case? It keeps falling out of my pockets.

Chief of Control: Now, here is my plan. And I'm glad we're not in my office or you'd insist on our using the Cone of Silence.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, I've already taken measures for that, Chief. I brought along the portable Cone of Silence, it was in my car.


"Get Smart: The Whole Tooth and... (#2.14)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: I don't think we should talk right here in the open, Chief, I think we should use the cone of silence.
Chief: Oh Max, every time we use the cone of silence something terrible happens. Can't you just write it to me on a piece of paper?
Maxwell Smart: People can read a piece of paper, Chief.
Chief: I'll burn it afterwards.
Maxwell Smart: Ashes can be reassembled.
Chief: I'll eat the note!
Maxwell Smart: They could operate on you and get it back.
Chief: All right, Max. The Cone of Silence.

Chief: [under the cone of silence] What was it you wanted to know, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Chief, could you let me have twenty dollars until pay day?
Chief: So you got me in this thing just to ask me money? Are you out of your mind? Are you serious? Are you completely insane?
Maxwell Smart: One question at a time, Chief.

Maxwell Smart: You're not angry, are you Chief?
Chief: How would you feel if some simpleton used a class A security procedure merely in order too borrow twenty dollars. I don't believe it!
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe thirty dollars?

Chief: The future of the mid-west is in your mouth.
Maxwell Smart: It couldn't be in a safer place.

Chief: This mission is so top secret, that for the next seventy two hours you'll be entirely on your own. You won't even be able to contact Control. You won't know me, and I won't know you. Good luck, Max
[holds out his hand]
Maxwell Smart: I beg your pardon, I don't believe we've met.


"Get Smart: Tequila Mockingbird (#4.17)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [looking at a photograph] So this is the little devil that cost Conrad Palmeter his life.
Agent 99: The millionaire art director? Did he own the Tequila Mockingbird?
Maxwell Smart: Several times. When he was 30, he bought it from a Hindu sailer in the city of Tequila, Mexico. Then 10 years later it was stolen by a Chinese accountant. At the age of 52 Permetta was able to buy it back at an auction in Beirut. Then 10 years later it mysteriously disappeared again. He spend the next 50 years searching for it.
Agent 99: You said the Mockingbird cost him his life, Max. How did he die?
Maxwell Smart: Old age.

Chief: Cash in that train ticket I gave you.
Maxwell Smart: What train ticket?
Chief: Didn't I give you a train ticket to Dakoma?
Maxwell Smart: you gave me a tramway ticket to Tahachame.
Chief: [interrupting] Now stop it, right there, I don't wanna get involved in any of those tongue twisters with you, Max, the last time I did it, I couldn't talk for two days.

Maxwell Smart: Yes sir, the one thing you never wanna do is to pull a horses tooth when he's standing up.

Dietrick: [Max has just thrown a glass of tequila in his own face] You forgot to open your mouth, doctor.
Maxwell Smart: Ah yes, I, I did that deliberately, you see, I decided that I had had enough.

Valdez: There she is, Senor Dietrick: the Tequila Mockingbird.
Dietrick: Beautiful! Beautiful! Superb...
Dietrick: Si, magnifico!
Maxwell Smart: Not bad.


"Get Smart: Goodbye Ms. Chip (#1.3)" (1995)
99: Where did you seat Bishop Tutu?
Chief Maxwell Smart: Eh, Tutu is at 3.3.
99: You can't put Tutu at 3.3.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Why not?
99: For one, Tutu is at sixes and sevens with King Lazlo the 8th.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Ok, 99, I'll eighty-six Tutu from 3.3 and put him in 4.4.
99: That's ten times better.

Chief Maxwell Smart: [Trudy runs in, notepad in hand] Oh, Trudy, I want you to make sure that the bomb-sniffing dogs have swept the embassy before the reception tonight.
99: Then clear the kitchen entrance for the arrival of President Mazabuka's limousine.
Chief Maxwell Smart: And make sure that the catering people are checked for security.
99: And have a helicopter standing by ready for any emergency that might arise.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Have you got that, Trudy?
Trudy: Of course I do. Make sure President Mazabuka has swept the kitchen, have the catering people sniff the dogs in the embassy and drive the limousine into the helicopter. Oh, and something about a bomb.
Chief Maxwell Smart: [holds up his hands] Missed it by...
[widens gap between hands]
Chief Maxwell Smart: ... that much.

Chief Maxwell Smart: Hm. No little meatballs. The Reagans always had meatballs.
the Brain: Try the fish, it's... brain food.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Really? Well if that fish is so smart, what's he doing on the plate?
[moves of]
the Brain: [dripping with sarcasm] Brilliant philosophical observation. I may have met my match...

Chief Maxwell Smart: Who could be controlling her mind?
Zach Smart: The Brain.
Chief Maxwell Smart: That's a given, son.
Zach Smart: No, the KAOS scientist 'the Brain'.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Ah, the Brain, of course, we should should try and steal him. Just think what we could do if we only had a Brain.


"Get Smart: To Sire, with Love: Part 2 (#4.21)" (1969)
99: Max, it's almost noon, aren't you going down to the headquarters?
Maxwell Smart: Well I thought I'd go down a little late today.
99: Oh, how late?
Maxwell Smart: Like tomorrow morning.

King of Caronia: How are you?
Maxwell Smart: Terrible.
King of Caronia: The scepter, don't tell me someone has stolen the scepter?
Maxwell Smart: No, no, the scepter is safely hidden. This is something personal, I can't talk about it.
[after a beat]
Maxwell Smart: My wife has been unfaithful to me.
King of Caronia: Good heavens, with who?
Maxwell Smart: With me.
King of Caronia: With you? I don't think I understand.
Maxwell Smart: To think I broke up my own marriage.

Rupert of Rathskeller: And now, I'm going to throw you and King Charles both into the pit, where your likenesses will be preserved permanently, in bronze.
Maxwell Smart: Couldn't you just do our baby shoes?

Maxwell Smart: [during dashing swordfight] You look pained, Rupert.
Rupert of Rathskeller: You're standing on my foot.


"Get Smart: Now You See Him, Now You Don't (#1.5)" (1965)
Chief of Control: Max, I don't mean to suggest that you're not telling the truth, but isn't it just conceivable that this whole affair could've been a bad dream?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Absolutely not, Chief! I tell you, I saw two invisible men!

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: You mean to tell me that you came here without the invisible ray-gun and you expect me to believe that such a silly gun exists? Well gentlemen, I'm afraid your going to have to show me. You see, I'm from Minnesota.
KAOS Agent #1: You mean Missouri.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Missouri... don't tell me where I'm from.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Now that we're alone, I wanna give you a last chance to give yourselves up. There's still time for you to take your place in society as normal, decent invisible men... and women.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Well, that just about wraps it up, 99. Haskell and Ehrlich are on the way to prison, the Chief likes Ehrlich's hat and once again the forces of virtue have triumphed over the forces of rottenness.


"Get Smart: The Not-So-Great Escape: Part 1 (#4.25)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [in phone booth] Hello Chief, this is Max. Well, I got Kendall here to the airport without anything going wrong. This is one Control agent that KAOS is not gonna get their hands on. By this time Tomorrow, Kendall will be in London, delivering the top secret defence plans to Nato. What's that? Oh really? Oh, thank you.
[disconnects call]
Maxwell Smart: Hello operator? I just got the wrong number.

Larabee: Why, I have worse news: Harvey just closed the Control delicatessen and went home.
Maxwell Smart: You're kidding, why?
Larabee: He said with only three Control agents left in Washington, he can't afford to stay open any longer.
Agent 99: [on phone] Right, just as soon as he gets in.
[hangs up]
Agent 99: What are we gonna do?
Larabee: There's only one thing we can do: eat across the street at Angelo's.

Maxwell Smart: So that's how you did it: the old check the baggage, take out the insurance, page 'em on the phone, spin the booth trick.
Nova: It's an old trick, Smart, but it's an effective one. As 21 of your Control agents before you can vouch.

Maxwell Smart: [posing as Major Kessler] Zit is KAOS, we don't eh...
Siegfried: Chickie Chickie Chi...
Maxwell Smart: We don't do zat here.


"Get Smart: That Old Gang of Mine (#3.10)" (1967)
# 99: Max! How did you do that?
Maxwell Smart: Surprised he fell for it. The old gun in the flashlight trick.

Hathaway: Allow me to lower the umbrella of silence.
Maxwell Smart: The umbrella of silence?
Hathaway: England, old boy.

Maxwell Smart: All right, let's check our watches. 5.33.
Turk: 6 O'clock.
El Gatto: 9.45.
Le Mans: 8.15.
Maxwell Smart: Perfect. We're right on schedule.

Hathaway: [pointing a gun at Max, the Chief and 99] Only one question remains: who goes first?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, you haven't volunteered for anything lately, Chief...


"Get Smart: Run, Robot, Run (#3.23)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [Hymie has just wolfed down Max's hotdog] How did it taste?
Hymie: Delicious. Even the poison was good.
Maxwell Smart: Poison?
Hymie: I'm programmed to detect poison. That was arsenic, 8 grams, 2 cc's.
Maxwell Smart: Are you alright Hymie?
Hymie: Of course. Arsenic is good for cleaning out my tubes.

Maxwell Smart: [Hymie is almost electrocuted by a booby trapped phone] Hymie! Are you alright?
Hymie: [still shaking] I don't know.
Maxwell Smart: Well what happened?
Hymie: I think I'm in love

Maxwell Smart: Alright, men. The eyes of the free world are on you today. So I want you to remember to keep your heads and your shorts up.

Maxwell Smart: The old sleeping-foot-powder in the shoe trick.


"Get Smart: And Only Two Ninety-Nine (#5.21)" (1970)
Chief: [on phone in his office] 99 is in her bed?
Maxwell Smart: [on phone in bedroom] Well of course she's in her bed, where do you think she sleeps, in the closet?

Larabee: Listen, Max, the twins can stay at our place for a few days. My wife would love taking care of them, and they'd have a lot of fun playing in the sand.
Maxwell Smart: You have a place at the beach, Larabee?
Larabee: No, but we have a very sandy apartment.
Maxwell Smart: [thinks for a moment] Thanks just the same, Larabee.
[starts dialing]
Larabee: Any time, Max.
[starts to leave]
Chief: Hold it, Larabee.
Larabee: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: You're not gonna get away with that one that easily.
Larabee: Which one?
Chief: Explain it to me, how you have a very sandy apartment.
Larabee: Oh, well, there's nothing to explain, Chief, we can't get the sand out because our vacuum cleaner's broken.
Chief: Larabee, if you don't live at the beach, how can you have all that sand in your apartment?
Larabee: Oh, well, we've been talking about moving to the beach and we wanted to see if we'd like it.
Chief: Thank you, Larabee.

Chief: Max, are you sure you and Larabee aren't related?
Maxwell Smart: You know, a lot of people have asked me that lately, Chief.

Chief: [Max is constantly falling down] Max, I think you're coming down with something.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, if I am, Chief, I'm coming down with it a lot.


"Get Smart: The Only Way to Die (#2.4)" (1966)
Agent 13: I'm sitting in a mailbox and you're telling me I don't know what it's like to be cooped up in a small room? I'd love to be cooped up in a small room. I'd give anything to to be cooped up in something as big as a small room.
Maxwell Smart: Take it easy, 13, take it easy.
Agent 13: Every assignment I get I'm always locked up in something small. I'm always in a mailbox or a scale or a locker or a grandfathers clock or a tree - you know what happened when I was stationed in that tree at the rubber plantation place?
Maxwell Smart: What?
Agent 13: I was tapped! Try that some time! Try standing up all night with a spigot in your stomach!

Maxwell Smart: What did you bring me today, Chief?
Chief: Corned beef from Irving's delicatessen.
[turns to leave]
Maxwell Smart: Chief?
Chief: Hm?
Maxwell Smart: I don't care what happens to me, but somehow, some place, some time I'm going to put that man behind bars.
Chief: The Blaster.
Maxwell Smart: No, Irving. This corned beef is terrible.

Maxwell Smart: [Max finds the mailbox 13 was hiding in to be empty] He's been mailed!

Maxwell Smart: You might as well hand over that gun, Blaster, because this yacht happens to be surrounded by the seventh fleet.
The Blaster: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe the sixth fleet?
The Blaster: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about a school of angry flounder?


"Get Smart: A Man Called Smart: Part 2 (#2.29)" (1967)
Admiral Hargrade: Well exactly how dangerous is this formula?
Maxwell Smart: Well sir, within 24 hours, it could dry up every lake, river and stream in the United States.
Chief: We'd be at the mercy of any country that had water.
Maxwell Smart: Bootlegging would come back. People would start making bathtub water.

Chief: KAOS knows that either one of us can lead them to Bediyoskin. Now we go back in there and let them overhear that one of us is going to him. KAOS captures the one who goes and the other follows.
Maxwell Smart: One of us goes, one of us follows.
Chief: Right.
Maxwell Smart: And one of us already knows who goes and who follows.
Chief: You go.
Maxwell Smart: Now both of us know.
[claps hands triumphantly]

Maxwell Smart: Chief, KAOS has just struck and struck hard. They've dried up Florida's two largest bodies of water: Lake Okeechobee and the swimming pool at the Fountain Blue hotel.

Maxwell Smart: The old gun in the crutch trick!


"Get Smart: Hurray for Hollywood (#4.15)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [on phone] Well, look for me in the third act. That's where I do my big scene. I get killed.
Chief: I'll be looking forward to it.

Victor Polo: Who?
Maxwell Smart: Laurence Hollywood. You're probably more familiar with my father, who was one of the greatest actors the world,
[louder]
Maxwell Smart: *the world* has ever known.
Victor Polo: I don't think so, what was his name?
Maxwell Smart: Huh?
Victor Polo: What was his name?
Maxwell Smart: Eh, Jason Hollywood.
Victor Polo: Never heard of him.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well, you probably remember my mother.
Carl Shirtsinger: What was her name?
Maxwell Smart: Leonora Vine. I'm sure you're more familiar with the work they did as a team.
Victor Polo: I'm sorry, we've never heard of either one of them.
Maxwell Smart: You've never heard of Hollywood and Vine?

#99: [reading the part of Lady Fanny] I wish I could do something with my hair.
Maxwell Smart: [reading the part of the butler] I beg your pardon, smiles and bows.

Chief: It's KAOS confetti. This is how they contacted their agents.
Maxwell Smart: I don't understand.
Chief: Well, whenever KAOS wanted to contact their agents in a different city, they'd hold a parade. Now the agents would pick up the confetti from the street and the color of the confetti determined their instructions.
Chief: How?
Chief: Green confetti meant that they were supposed to go ahead with the proposed plan. Red confetti meant stop instantly.
Maxwell Smart: Well that's fantastic, Chief. How did you ever find that out?
Chief: Well, they also used white confetti. That meant 'Danger, leave the country immediately'. Fortunately for us during their last parade it snowed.
Maxwell Smart: And they all left the country?
Chief: No, they all went to Miami.


"Get Smart: The Not-So-Great Escape: Part 2 (#4.26)" (1969)
Starker: You wouldn't care to make a little wager on the side, would you, Smart?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, I think so, Starker. How 'bout, eh, five dollars?
Starker: All right, twenty marks.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well I'm afraid I can't go that high.
Chief: Max, twenty marks is five dollars.

Chief: Max, what are you doing?
Maxwell Smart: I beat him, Chief!
Chief: Max, you were out of the gate, why didn't you keep on going?
Maxwell Smart: And lose five bucks?

Chief: [dismayed at the lack of progress in the tunnel] You and Kendall have been down here since six o' clock this morning.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, Chief, but we didn't start digging until eight.
Chief: Why not?
Maxwell Smart: Well, you see, for the first two hours we couldn't decide who should dig and who should fill the bags with dirt. So we tossed a coin.
Chief: Max, it doesn't take two hours to toss a coin.
Maxwell Smart: No, but it took two hours to find it.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, you're talking with an accent.
Kendall: Before I was talking wiz an accent, now I'm talking right.


"Get Smart: The Amazing Harry Hoo (#1.25)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: Who's that?
Policeman: That's Hoo.
Maxwell Smart: Who's who?
Policeman: He's Hoo.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, he's who. What are you talking about?

Maxwell Smart: Tell me, Mr. Hoo, do all Hawaiian detectives wear white suits?
Harry Hoo: No, I began to wear white suit in Hawaii when I was employee of... ice cream firm.
Maxwell Smart: Well, they're very attractive.
Harry Hoo: [laughs politely] You should see my cleaning bills.

Harry Hoo: Tell me, Mr. Smart, how you think murder was committed?
Maxwell Smart: Two possibilities. One: he was killed by a 22 caliber pistol at long range by a short man who was a stranger to him.
Harry Hoo: Or?
Maxwell Smart: He was killed at close range by a knife used by a woman he knew who was over six feet tall.
Harry Hoo: Amazing...

# 99: How did you know we were here?
Harry Hoo: Called your hotel and got no answer.
Maxwell Smart: But how did you know to look for us here in the Chinese Laundry?
Harry Hoo: Was not looking for you. Always bring my shirts here.
Maxwell Smart: Amazing...


"Get Smart: House of Max: Part 1 (#5.15)" (1970)
Chief Inspector Sparrow: We don't use old song titles as passwords anymore.
Maxwell Smart: You don't? What do you use?
Chief Inspector Sparrow: Lyrics from Beatles tunes.

Maxwell Smart: Well, at least we know one thing, it's pretty obvious.
Agent 99: What's that, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, the man with the scar is definitely a candle maker.
Chief Inspector Sparrow: No, he's a pick-pocket.
Maxwell Smart: Oh. A pick-pocket who's a candlemaker on the side?
Maxwell Smart: [the inspector does not answer] A pick-pocket who doesn't believe in electricity?

Maxwell Smart: Well then you must be Ravel Roualle, eh, Roual Rall, Ruwoll... You must be the genius responsible for all this?
Duval: I am the genius, yes, but my name is Raoul Duval.
Maxwell Smart: Well, what did I say?
Duval: I do not dare attempt it, monsieur, it could destroy my speech pattern for months.

Maxwell Smart: There's no doubt about it, 99, Professor Duval is our man.
Agent 99: But how can you be so sure, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, it's really quite simple: instinct, logic and a lack of suspects.


"Get Smart: Do I Hear a Vaults? (#5.25)" (1970)
Chief: The most obvious place for a book is in a library. And sometimes, the most obvious place is the safest.
Maxwell Smart: You know, you may have something there, Chief. Agent Dunlap had the same theory. He once came into possession of a very important piece of microfilm. You know where he hid it?
Chief: Where?
Maxwell Smart: Right on top of his desk in his living room. Right out there in the open where everybody could see it.
Chief: And the microfilm was safe?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, it would have been if they hadn't stolen the desk.

Chief: I'm sorry I'm late, but I had an automobile accident right in front of the building. That idiot smashed in the whole front end of my car.
Maxwell Smart: Well, don't worry about it, Chief, you're not the only one who's late, Larabee isn't here either.
Chief: Who do you think smashed in the front end of my car?

Maxwell Smart: Well, Chief, everything went off perfectly without a hitch. We left Control, got into the armoured truck, went through a carwash three times, in case anyone was following us.
Larabee: The truck was dirty anyway, Chief.
Maxwell Smart: And here we are.
Larabee: With a clean truck!
Chief: Ok, ok, let me see it.
Larabee: It's parked out in front.

Maxwell Smart: Chief! I send Larabee in to get the book and they locked the safe on him.
Chief: Come on, Max. Let's go.
Maxwell Smart: Chief, what are you talking about? Larabee is locked in and nobody knows about it except you and me.
Chief: Shh. Come on.


"Get Smart: The Reluctant Redhead (#3.26)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: Of couse. Where else would they hide a painting except behind a wall safe?

Mimsi Sage: What happened?
Maxwell Smart: [Smart has just won a fight against Grubnik the Spoiler] Oh, nothing, I just picked up a copy of 'War and Peace' and got involved...

Mimsi Sage: [very tipsy] Your cute, you know that? You're very cute.
Maxwell Smart: Stop that, Mimsi!
Mimsi Sage: It's your eyes, they're very sexy when you can find them.

Mimsi Sage: Oh, well I don't like to get involved with violence. I deplore it.
Maxwell Smart: Well, look at children's books. They're filled with violence.
Mimsi Sage: But that's another kind. That's friendly violence. The people who kill each other like each other.


"Get Smart: To Sire, with Love: Part 1 (#4.20)" (1969)
Chief: All I asked for was a moustache, you call that a moustache?
Maxwell Smart: [touching his bushy beard] Well, there's a moustache under here someplace, Chief.

99: I don't know what assignment the chief had in mind when he had you grow that moustache, but it looks perfect with your costume...
Maxwell Smart: I don't know either, 99, but it certainly presented a problem.
99: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I didn't know whether to come to the masquerade as D'Artagnan, Dickie Smothers or Anna Magnani.

Maxwell Smart: I did get rid of Basil, didn't I?
Colonel Von Klaus: Yes, but not Basil's aide, someone far more treacherous, and deadly.
Maxwell Smart: Basil's wife?
Colonel Von Klaus: [rolls his eyes] No, Rupert of Rathskellar.
Maxwell Smart: Of course. Rotten, ruthless Rupert of Rathskellar.
Colonel Von Klaus: He's a handsome devil. A dazzling swordsman. And the women of Coronia find him irresistable.
Maxwell Smart: And how do the men find him?
Colonel Von Klaus: He's in the phone book.

Chief: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Maxwell Smart: It is?
Chief: Yes.
Maxwell Smart: Then don't do it.


"Get Smart: I'm Only Human (#1.23)" (1966)
Maxwell Smart: There's one thing you've overlooked.
Beastmaster: Oh?
Maxwell Smart: You see, you can't leave us alone in this room.
Beastmaster: And why not?
Maxwell Smart: Because, as soon as you're gone, by the use of sheer brute strength, I shall be able to rip these chains from the wall in one minute! Would you believe it? 1 minute!
Beastmaster: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe two minutes?
Beastmaster: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart: How about a week from Tuesday?

Maxwell Smart: Gee, I wish there was some way we could get Fang back on active duty.
Agent 99: So do I, I know he's bored with that desk job Control gave him.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, well I don't blame him. How would you like to sit around checking evidence and then burying it?

Maxwell Smart: 99, you see that bee up there?
Agent 99: Yes.
Maxwell Smart: You see any Control markings on it?
Agent 99: Not from here Max, why?
Maxwell Smart: I've got a feeling he's not one of ours.

Maxwell Smart: [Max is giving Fang orders in German] Fang, hitten the decken!


"Get Smart: One Nation Invisible (#4.14)" (1968)
# 99: [in telephone booth on assignment] Have you been eating a good breakfast?
Maxwell Smart: [on phone at home] Don't worry, 99, every morning when I get up, I do down to the lunchroom on the corner, have breakfast and then I run right back to the apartment.
# 99: Oh Max, you shouldn't eat there, the food is terrible.
Maxwell Smart: eat there, the food is terrible. Why do you think I run right back to the apartment?
# 99: Max, I don't want you to eat there anymore. If you don't feel like cooking for yourself, why don't you go to the supermarkets and get some TV diners.
Maxwell Smart: I did, 99, but they cancelled all my favorites.

Chief: Who is the one person who could penetrate KAOS headquarters, get the Ginsburg papers and slip out without being noticed?
Maxwell Smart: [slams his hand with gum stuck to it on the Chief's desk] The vice-president!

Maxwell Smart: [explaining to 99 why there is another woman in their apartment] When I brought Dr. Canyon home, I thought he'd be a short, fat, baldheaded little old scientist, I never dreamed for one single moment that it would turn out to be this lushious beautiful gorgeous woman that you see before you.
Maxwell Smart: I don't think I explained that too good.

Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, these are the wrong papers!
# 99: What do you mean, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Why, these are the Gottlieb papers.
Chief: No Max, those are the Ginsburg papers.
Maxwell Smart: But it says right there, Gottlieb.
Chief: Ginsberg changed his name.


"Get Smart: A Man Called Smart: Part 1 (#2.28)" (1967)
Chief: [addressing Max, 99 and two more Control agents] Now what I'm about to tell you must not leave this room. It's top security.
Maxwell Smart: Top security? That calls for the Cone of Silence, Chief.
Chief: Max, how do you expect to get five people into something that small?
Maxwell Smart: Thinking like that would have put the Volkswagen people out of business a long time ago.

Maxwell Smart: Poor Finletter. He's the only man who ever drowned in dirt.

Chief: [on phone] You mean you're using more than one pseudonym on this case?
Maxwell Smart: [on other line] That's right, Chief. You see that way if I get a call and I'm not able to answer it, at least I know who to call back.
Chief: That seems to makes sense and that worries me.

Hotel Doctor: Is this the patient?
Chief: Yes he is.
Maxwell Smart: He's been shot.
Hotel Doctor: I'm a doctor, I'll make the diagnosis.


"Get Smart: Physician Impossible (#5.9)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [transporting Big Eddie Little to prison by walking a marathon] Well, it won't be long now, Big Eddie. Tomorrow at this time it will be all over for you.
Big Eddie Little: Yeah. The judge once told me that some day I'd walk the last mile. If he had told me I'd have to walk fifty miles to get to the last mile, I'd had gone straight.

Maxwell Smart: Say, that's a beautiful trophy they gave you for winning the marathon race, Larabee, you must be very thrilled.
Larabee: I am, now we have a set, I have one, my wife has one.
Maxwell Smart: You're wife is a professional marathon walker?
Larabee: No, she's a professional wrestler.
Maxwell Smart: Your wife is a professional wrestler?
Larabee: You probably saw her wrestle lots of times on television and didn't know it.
Maxwell Smart: Really?
Larabee: Did you ever see Battling Biff Bannister? Big, tall, built like an ox, always wore a black hood over the face.
Maxwell Smart: Your wife wrestled Battling Biff Banister?
Larabee: My wife is Battling Biff Bannister!

Maxwell Smart: [on shoe phone] We're being held in a two room cabin overlooking a lake
Larabee: [on the Chief's other phone] I know that place, I was stationed near there when I was in the army.
Chief: [on his regular office phone] Max, where on our way.
[they all hang up]
Chief: [draws his revolver] Ok Larabee, where is it?
Chief: Eh, six miles South of Berlin.


"Get Smart: Witness for the Execution (#5.19)" (1970)
Chief: I have a surprise for you.
[hands Max a note that says 'Mike hidden']
Maxwell Smart: You're kidding! That's unbelievable! I haven't seen him in years, Mike Hiddeman.

Maxwell Smart: Dietrich, will you get that shaving cream off your face?
Dietrich: Well why?
Maxwell Smart: Why? Because if KAOS happens to be looking through that window, and they see that shaving cream all over your face, they're gonna know you're not Mrs. Feldman.
Dietrich: You're right.
[starts wiping off the shaving cream with towel]
Maxwell Smart: Besides, Mrs. Feldman uses an electric razor.

Maxwell Smart: Just a minute, not so fast. This may be the old bomb in the bonbon box trick.


"Get Smart: Where-What-How-Who Am I? (#2.23)" (1967)
Chief: Doctor, what's wrong?
Dr. Mangle: Well, he's had a slight concussion. His memory has become affected.
Chief: Max, it's me, the Chief.
Maxwell Smart: The Chief? Well you don't look like an Indian to me.
# 99: Max!
[grabs his shoulder]
Maxwell Smart: Please madam, who are you?
# 99: I'm 99!
# 99: Well, you look pretty good for your age.

Maxwell Smart: I don't know what's the matter with me. I used to have such a brilliant mind, quick and incisive. Now I can barely remember my own name.
# 99: Think, Max think!
Maxwell Smart: Max! That's it, that's my name.

Maxwell Smart: Well, Chief, you got here just in time. Here they are and we got them all the way down the line. You can throw the book at them. Murder, espionage and dispensing food without a license.


"Get Smart: With Love and Twitches (#4.9)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: [99's mother is at the door] Is she moving in with us already? We're not even married yet.

Maxwell Smart: [on their wedding night] You know, 99, you have the prettiest shoulders I...
99: Oh, well you've seen them before, Max.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. But never without a holster.

Dr. Madre: I've been working on an experiment, alone, isolated, for I don't know how long, I've lost track of time. Three, might even be four years.
[suddenly whispering]
Dr. Madre: I think that man at the bar is after me.
Maxwell Smart: [Max looks over] That's a woman!
Dr. Madre: Then it's been four years.


"Get Smart: Greer Window (#4.24)" (1969)
Larabee: How about that, one crutch is shorter than the other.
Maxwell Smart: You're telling me. When I walk, I limp. With a limp!

Chief: If KAOS gets their hands on any more of those blueprints, Max, they'll have the capability of polluting the air over every major city in the United States.
Maxwell Smart: Well, I don't wanna worry you, Chief, but I think they already have that.

Maxwell Smart: 99, I've been watching that window all day through my binoculars and I'm telling you that there was a little short guy in there with Greer and Miss Parker.
Agent 99: Well maybe you were looking in the wrong window?
Maxwell Smart: With Miss Parker in there, are you kidding?


"Get Smart: Supersonic Boom (#3.6)" (1967)
# 99: [Max and 99 are tied up] What are you doing, Max?
Maxwell Smart: I'm trying to get my foot loose. I figure if I can get my shoe-phone up high enough, you might be able to dial it with your nose.

Maxwell Smart: I must be getting old, 99.
# 99: Why do you say that?
Maxwell Smart: To fall for the old hideout under the car-wash trick.

Maxwell Smart: Well 99, all I have to do now is find some Argentinean who understands my high school Spanish.
Maxwell Smart: [stops the first man he meets] Eh, por favor, por favor, eh.. el policio yo soy Americano.
Man on Street: Sorry fella, don't speak Spanish. Boy, are you in the wrong neighborhood.


"Get Smart: Age Before Duty (#5.11)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [password] I lost my dinghy.
Tough Sailor: I think you're a little dinghy.

Maxwell Smart: Are you kidding? There's a man that's been murdered lying there on the pinball machine, and you want people to come in here and dance and drink and carry on?
Bartender: Why not? They do it every night.
Maxwell Smart: You mean there's a killing here every night?
Maxwell Smart: Well, not every night. We're closed Mondays. But we have two on Saturday.
Maxwell Smart: What day is this, Chief?
Chief: Friday.
[Smart blows a sigh of relief]

99: Max, don't you realize what's happening, they're doing it to you too. You're turning old right before my eyes!
Maxwell Smart: Now let's not panic, 99, just because I came home a little tired and my hair is turning a little gray, doesn't mean that I'm turning old.


"Get Smart: Rebecca of Funny-Folk Farm (#5.17)" (1970)
Maxwell Smart: I don't understand how this airline can stay in business when they only carry one passenger.
Stewardess: We don't show movies.

Jason Van Hooten: Did you call her '99'?
Maxwell Smart: Yes I did.
Jason Van Hooten: May I ask why?
Maxwell Smart: I don't know her name.

Agent 99: It looks like he died of fright.
Maxwell Smart: Either that or some other natural cause.
Jason Van Hooten: Sebastian...
Hester Van Hooten: Don't tell me he's loose.
Jason Van Hooten: [check's Sebastian's attic door, which has a hole in it] He's loose.
Hester Van Hooten: I asked you not to tell me that!


"Get Smart: Passenger 99 (#1.5)" (1995)
Agent 66: Bad news, Chief. We intercepted a transmission and KAOS just contacted a well known assasin: the Turtle.
Zach Smart: The Turtle?
Chief Maxwell Smart: Ah, yes. The Turtle!
Zach Smart: You've heard of him?
Chief Maxwell Smart: Of course. Vicious, cold blooded. No wait a minute, that was the Poodle. Run over about four years ago chasing a car.
Agent 66: He's called the Turtle because he's very illusive. He only comes out to kill.
Zach Smart: How do you know so much about him?
Agent 66: I dated his brother Leo.

Chief Maxwell Smart: [on speakerphone in office] But don't worry, son, at this very moment, a squadron of airforce jets is ready to bring your plane in safely.
Zach Smart: [in pilots seat in cockpit] I don't see them.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Eh... would you believe two navy helicopters?
Zach Smart: No, I don't see them either.
Chief Maxwell Smart: How about sailor in a blimp waving a flashlight?

Chief Maxwell Smart: Ok, Zach, you're problems are over. Carl the Control Contoller is here with his porta-control controller. What kind of a name is that?
Carl the Control Controller: Well, my father was named Carl, his father was named Carl, I have a sister named Carla. Then there's my uncle...


"Get Smart: And Baby Makes Four: Part 1 (#5.7)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: You mean to tell me that all those names you've been giving me for the last hour are names of babies?
Agent 99: But of course.
Maxwell Smart: But I thought they were names of streets, I made a map out of them.
Agent 99: [laughs] How silly.
Maxwell Smart: Well it may be silly, but it works. According to this map, I can get you to the hospital in less than ten minutes flat!

Maxwell Smart: [there's a knock on the door] I'll get it, 99.
Agent 99: Be sure to get the password, Max.
Maxwell Smart: I will.
[crosses room to get to the door]
Maxwell Smart: Yes?
Chief: [behind door] Knock, knock.
Maxwell Smart: Who's there?
Chief: Me.
Maxwell Smart: Me who?
Chief: Me, the Chief.

Maxwell Smart: Simon the likeable. Who's he?
Chief: He's KAOS' most irresistible agent. A man so unassuming, so modest, so sweet and warm that you take one look at him, and you like him.


"Get Smart: Shoot Up the Charts (#1.4)" (1995)
Zach Smart: Why would KAOS buy a record company and then kill the only artist?
Chief Maxwell Smart: After hearing his records, I'm surprised that he lived as long as he did.
Agent 66: The bigger question is: what is KAOs doing in the music business?
Zach Smart: I'm sorry, why is your question bigger than mine?

Zach Smart: These CDs are bogus.
Chief Maxwell Smart: You're telling me, since my phonograph broke, I've got 400 records and nothing to play them on.

Chief Maxwell Smart: Too bad, all of this could have been avoided, if he had only used his record company for niceness instead of evil.


"Get Smart: My Nephew the Spy (#1.12)" (1965)
Maxwell Smart: I demand the cone of silence.
Chief: Max, do we have to?
Maxwell Smart: Well, with vital information like this, of course we have to, Chief.
Chief: Okay, you win, Max.
Chief: [speaking into intercom] Hodgkins, lower the cone of silence.
Chief: [the cone of silence is lowered over the Chief and Max] Now what did you find out?
Maxwell Smart: Nothing.
Chief: [pushes button, angrily] Hodgkins, raise the cone of silence.

Maxwell Smart: Now I'm gonna have this gun in my pocket at all times, so you're gonna be completely covered. Now as far as my aunt and uncle are concerned, you and I are old army buddies, have you got that?
Victor: Right. We flew together in the Luftwaffe.

Victor: [trying to get away from Max] Well, if you'll all excuse me, I think I'll go in the kitchen, get a glass of water.
Maxwell Smart: [keeping Victor covered with a gun in his pocket] I think I'll go with you, I'm a little thirsty myself.
Victor: Eh, no, no, you stay here and chat with your uncle, I'll bring you a glass of water.
Maxwell Smart: No, you don't know what kind of water I like. Eh, I mean you don't know where the faucet it.
Uncle Abner: In most apartments it's over the sink. Round here I wouldn't bet on it.


"Get Smart: Widow Often Annie (#5.4)" (1969)
Agent 99: Don't you touch me!
Maxwell Smart: What's the matter?
Agent 99: You know perfectly well what's the matter. You don't love me any more because I'm fat and unattractive.
Maxwell Smart: That is ridiculous, 99, just because you're fat and unattractive doesn't mean that I stopped loving you.
Agent 99: Oh, why don't you just come right out and say it, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Huh?
Agent 99: Fat, fat the water rat!
Maxwell Smart: Fat, fat the water rat?
Agent 99: You take that back!

Chief: The moment she tries to kill him, we'll have her for attempted murder.
Agent 99: But what if she kills him before you get there to stop her?
Chief: Then we'll have her for murder.
Maxwell Smart: That's even better, 99, it's tough to beat a murder rap!

Maxwell Smart: 99, what are you doing here?
Agent 99: Max, I wanted to make sure you were alright.
Maxwell Smart: I'm fine, 99, Now you'd better get out of here before my wife sees you.
Agent 99: Max! I'm you're wife!
Maxwell Smart: Yes, I know that, 99 I mean my other wife.


"Get Smart: It Takes One to Know One (#2.16)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: [talking on his shoephone] Right, Chief. I'll with stick with him. Off and on.
Chief: [in his office, on the other line] Don't you mean over and out?
Maxwell Smart: No, when I sign off, I put my shoe on.

Maxwell Smart: [looking at a picture of Octavia] Chief, I've never seen anyone like this before. Those evil, penetrating eyes. Cold, ruthless mouth. Deviant chin.
[looks at the next picture]
Maxwell Smart: Strong unyealding body. Chief?
Chief: What?
Maxwell Smart: I think I'm in love.

Maxwell Smart: So that's how Octovia does it. Why, she's been right under our noses all the time, Chief, disguised as a cleaning woman.
Chief: This is terrible!
Maxwell Smart: I know, good cleaning women are hard to get.


"Get Smart: The Day They Raided the Knights (#4.16)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [99 is lying on a conveyor belt tied to a surfboard] 99, this is no time to go surfing.

Maxwell Smart: Ok Chief, you can count on me. I'll be up first thing in the morning and I'll check out every topless retaurant in town.
Chief: Max, KAOS wouldn't hide guns in a topless restaurant.
Maxwell Smart: They wouldn't?
Chief: No.
Maxwell Smart: Well where would they store them?
Chief: I don't know.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, well in that case, I'll check the topless restaurants.

Chief: [holding up a double pistol] Do you know what this is is?
Maxwell Smart: Sure, it's a twelve shooter.
Chief: Max, this is KAOS' secret weapon. It's a stereophonic pistol.
Maxwell Smart: [grabs the pistol] A stereophonic pistol? That's fantastic, Chief. You mean you can shoot a bullet from this barrel, and you can shoot a bullet from this barrel and if you stand in between, it's just like being there in person.
Chief: Something like that.


"Get Smart: House of Max: Part 2 (#5.16)" (1970)
Chief Inspector Sparrow: First Jack the Ripper who terrorized London at the turn of the century and now the Werewolf. Who'll be next to drive the women of England wild?
Maxwell Smart: Engelbert Humperdinck?

Chief Inspector Sparrow: What are you doing?
Maxwell Smart: [checking the pockets of Hitler's uniform] I'm looking for Eva Braun's phone number.

W.C. Fields: I don't know of you're aware, my boy, but you're being pursued. The entrepreneur of this establishment, a French fried potato enthusiast desires your immediate demise.
Maxwell Smart: Huh?


"Get Smart: The Apes of Rath (#5.10)" (1969)
Agent 99: [Chuck has slipped on a bananaskin and fell of the rooftop] Oh, Max isn't that ironic? It took a modern jungle to kill that beast.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: No, 99, 't was beauty who killed the beast.
Agent 99: Beauty? Oh, Max, thank you.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Oh, I didn't mean you, 99 'Beauty' is the brand name of these bananas.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: I don't understand, Chief, what kind of an ape could be intelligent enough to put a banana in the mail?
Larabee: Probably one that worked in the post office.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: That's ridiculous, Larabee.
Larabee: I understand during the Christmas rush they'll hire anything.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: That's right, Armstrong: the old fake fingertips on the fire escape trick.


"Get Smart: The Expendable Agent (#2.24)" (1967)
Maxwell Smart: I'm getting complaints from the landlord about the gun battles in the hall, and the bombs in the lobby, and the knife fights in the elevator.
Chief: Well, when you rent an apartment to a secret agent, you've got to expect those things.
Maxwell Smart: But Chief, he doesn't know I'm a secret agent.
Chief: Well, how then do you explain people attacking you and shooting at you?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I told him I work for the Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Agent 13: It's a lucky thing for me you were in there.
[hiding in cigarette machine]
Agent 13: I've been in here for 72 hours without a break.
Maxwell Smart: 72 hours? You must be starved.
Agent 13: No, but I'm dying for a smoke.

Chain: [Max, Chain and the professor can hear a bomb ticking] It's coming from the desk...
Maxwell Smart: [to Whitaker] It's coming from the desk.
Prof. Whitaker: [to Chain] It's coming from the desk.
Chain: It's dumming from the cesk.
Maxwell Smart: It's dumming from the cesk? What are you talking about?


"Get Smart: How Green Was My Valet (#5.20)" (1970)
Maxwell Smart: Look at this, 99.
Agent 99: Did you find the fuel?
Maxwell Smart: No, I found a salami.

Maxwell Smart: [surprised by the Ambassador's appearance] You're sober!
Ambassador: [pointing a gun at Max & 99] Cold sober.
Maxwell Smart: But I don't understand, that can't be. You drank 21 bottles of wine, how can you still be standing up?
Ambassador: I have to stand up. If I lie down, I get deathly ill.


"Get Smart: The Secret of Sam Vittorio (#4.4)" (1968)
Chief: In answer to your question, 99, they were never able to make a conviction stick against Sam Vittorio. However they deported him in 1937 as an undesirable alien.
Agent 99: To Italy?
Chief: No, to Pittsburgh.
Maxwell Smart: Pittsburgh?
Chief: Yeah, they really threw the book at him.

Sam Vittorio: [on his deathbed] You know in my lifetime I must have robbed a 150 banks. Maybe 160... I guess it was closer to 200.
Maxwell Smart: [posing as Floyd Darrow] Eh, yeah, 200 banks, Sam.
Sam Vittorio: 192 to be exact!
Agent 99: [posing as Connie Barker] Where did you hide the money, Sam?
Sam Vittorio: What money? Most of the banks I robbed went bust in the depression.
Maxwell Smart: Well then what's your secret?
Sam Vittorio: [beckons them closer] Crime doesn't pay!


"Get Smart: Casino Evil (#1.2)" (1995)
Zach Smart: Dad, the man who made that call last night was found murdered. His name was Ivan Buttinoff.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Good work. How did you find out?
Zach Smart: Deductive reasoning, a fanatical devotion to my craft and it was on the news last night.

Agent 0: [disguised as Robert Goulet] I am not Robert Goulet, Chief, this is me, Agent 0.
Chief Maxwell Smart: Agent 0? That's a brilliant disguise.
[beckons him closer]
Chief Maxwell Smart: Next time, try and learn the words, huh?


"Get Smart: Moonlighting Becomes You (#5.14)" (1970)
Maxwell Smart: [Max has got Lemon Meringue Pie all over the Chief] Sorry about... that, Chief. What's new?
Chief: This suit was, until I walked in.

Agent 99: Max, Hannibal Day wrote the script.
Maxwell Smart: He did? I just read it, it's terrible.
Agent 99: Max, he's a murderer!
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well I knew he wasn't a writer.


"Get Smart: Absorb the Greek (#4.19)" (1969)
Agent 99: We hate to tell you this, Chief, but we've been tailing you for the last week.
Chief: Why?
Maxwell Smart: Well, Chief, we didn't wanna do it, but that's the assignment they gave us.
Chief: Who gave you that assignment?
Maxwell Smart: The guy who's over you.
[pointing downwards]
Chief: Well if he's over me, why are you pointing down?
Maxwell Smart: Because his office is downstairs.

Maxwell Smart: Chief! What happened, are you alright?
Agent 99: Where's my mother?
Chief: I was hit by a blackjack.
Maxwell Smart: Your mother hit him over the head with a blackjack?
Agent 99: Max! My mother wouldn't do a thing like that!
Chief: Her mother wouldn't do a thing like that! You sure it wasn't a gunbutt?


"Get Smart: The Farkas Fracas (#4.11)" (1968)
Maxwell Smart: I'm not eating any more of this stuff.
[gets up from the table with the mouse]
Chief: Where are you going?
Maxwell Smart: I'm gonna dump it in this plant over here.
[goes back to table and sits down]
Maxwell Smart: No, I'd better not it might kill it.
Chief: That's a plastic plant.
Maxwell Smart: I know but it might kill it anyway.


"Get Smart: Ice Station Siegfried (#5.13)" (1969)
Chief: [on public phone] General, this is the Chief of Control. I'm in Miami and I won't be able to get out because we're under twelve feet of snow.
General Christian: [on other line] Oh, that's bad.
Maxwell Smart: Let me talk to him, Chief.
[grabs phone]
Maxwell Smart: Hello General, this is Maxwell Smart. I'm stuck down here too.
General Christian: But that's good.


"Get Smart: And Baby Makes Four: Part 2 (#5.8)" (1969)
Maxwell Smart: [Max has climbed up through a trap door in a closet] 99, you wouldn't believe what they've got up here on the second floor.
Agent 99: What is it?
Maxwell Smart: A second floor closet.
Agent 99: Don't tell me it has a self-locking door?
Maxwell Smart: It has a self-locking door.
Agent 99: [mimicking Max] I asked you not to tell me that.