Darrin Stephens
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Quotes for
Darrin Stephens (Character)
from "Bewitched" (1964)

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"Bewitched: I, Darrin, Take This Witch, Samantha (#1.1)" (1964)
Darrin Stephens: I have an aunt who thinks she's a lighthouse. And whenever it rains, she insists on climbing on the garage roof to warn the sailors.
Samantha: How do you know she isn't a lighthouse?

Darrin Stephens: You're a what?
Samantha: I'm a witch!
Darrin Stephens: That's wonderful. We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Samantha: Now! I am a witch. A real broom-riding, house-haunting, cauldron-stirring witch.
Darrin Stephens: It MUST be the champagne. Now, darling, it's been a hectic day for both of us. This getting married is tougher than it looks.
Samantha: Would I say I am a witch if I'm not?
Darrin Stephens: I don't know. I have an aunt who thinks she's a lighthouse. Whenever it rains she insists on climbing up on the garage roof to warn the sailors.
Samantha: How do you know she isn't a lighthouse?
Darrin Stephens: Huh?
Samantha: Maybe you were the one who was looking straight at a lighthouse and thought you were seeing an old lady on a garage roof.

Darrin Stephens: You're a what?
Samantha: I'm a witch.
Darrin Stephens: That's wonderful. We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Samantha: Now. I am a witch. A real house-haunting, broom-riding, cauldron-stirring witch.

Darrin Stephens: I'm married to a witch. A real live house-haunting, broom-riding, cauldron-stirring, card-carrying witch.
Doctor Koblin: You came to me for advise. I'll give you some. Now that you've had your honeymoon, why don't you take a vacation?

Darrin Stephens: [Samantha and Darrin on their honeymoon] I wish I had a drink.
[drink appears in his hand]
Darrin Stephens: ... an Old Fashioned?
[an Old Fashioned drink appears]
Darrin Stephens: ... and a straw?
[straw appears in drink]
Darrin Stephens: You're a witch?
Samantha: That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Darrin Stephens: Al, my wife is witch.
Bartender: Cheer up. You should see my wife.

Darrin Stephens: Sam, I'm not saying you were entirely wrong. Sheila had it coming, but you went a little too far.
Samantha: For a while there, it was kind of hard to tell which witch was which.
Darrin Stephens: Sam.
Samantha: Just a little play on words.

Darrin Stephens: I'm only trying to say that you broke your promise. You gave me your word. No more...
Samantha: Stuff? It's harder to break the habit than I thought.
Darrin Stephens: Well you can do it. I've got a lot of faith in you. Oh, thank you darling.

Darrin Stephens: So my wife's a witch. Every married man has to make some adjustment.

Darrin Stephens: [to Samantha] I have yet to see a table lighter that works. Just once I'd like to see...
[Samantha magically lights the lighter]

Darrin Stephens: Well, it's bedtime.
Samantha: I've just got to get this kitchen cleaned up.
Darrin Stephens: Tomorrow.
Samantha: That's what you said last night.
Darrin Stephens: Yeah. Well... Don't take too long.
Samantha: Oh, well.

"Bewitched: And Then There Were Three (#2.18)" (1966)
[first lines]
Samantha Stephens: [Samantha, who's going to get her Baby and Darrin are leaving for the hospital] Oh, darling. Don't you think we ought to call your mother and father, and let them know we're going to the hospital?
Darrin Stephens: Sweetheart, we haven't got time... I'll call them later.
Samantha Stephens: How about Derek?
Darrin Stephens: I'll call him too... Do we know a Derek?
Samantha Stephens: Not yet. I just thought it might be a nice name if it was a boy.
Darrin Stephens: Honey, we can decide on that later. How about your mother? Should we let her know?
Samantha Stephens: Oh, don't worry. She'll be there.
Darrin Stephens: [the phone rings] Don't answer it.
Samantha Stephens: It'll only take a minute. Now, you run out and get the car.
Samantha Stephens: It'll only take a minute. Now, you run out and get the car.
[answers the phone]
Samantha Stephens: Hello?
Serena: Samantha. This is Serena. Your cousin Serena.
Samantha Stephens: Well, Serena. What are you doing in town?
Serena: Well, darling, it's the in place to be at this time of year. When are you having the baby?
Samantha Stephens: Oh, in an hour or so.
Serena: Well, I guess that kills lunch.
Samantha Stephens: Probably dinner too.
Serena: Look, why don't I pop into the hospital and brighten your stay?
Samantha Stephens: Marvellous. I'll be at the Perkins Hospital and... ooh!
Serena: What did you say?
Samantha Stephens: Nothing. But I think someone is trying to tell me something. Bye-bye, Serena.
Darrin Stephens: Sam, are you alright?
Samantha Stephens: Oh, I'm fine. Just fine. Darling? How about "Serena", if it's a girl?
Darrin Stephens: Sweetheart, if you don't hurry, we may end up calling the baby "Freeway", because that's where it's going to be born.

Endora: Samantha just presented me with the most beautiful granddaughter.
Darrin Stephens: [nervous, yet pleased] You mean... I'm... I'm the father of a girl?
Endora: That too.
Darrin Stephens: Well, that's just great. And Sam? How's Sam?
Endora: She's fine. She's fine.
Darrin Stephens: Endora, I don't know what to do first, to hug you or offer you a cigar.
Endora: There's no other choice?
Darrin Stephens: I have a daughter!
[he hugs her]

Darrin Stephens: You know, Endora, sometimes you can be almost human.
Endora: This is no time to be insulting.

Endora: Luckily she
[she being Tabatha]
Endora: takes after Samantha.
Darrin Stephens: She does look like Sam. But I think there's a little bit of me there too.
Endora: Yes, but the wrinkles will disappear soon.

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: [after Samantha says it's too early to tell if Tabatha is a witch] Honey, you're a witch. Can't you tell anything just by looking at her?
Samantha Stephens: Only that I love her.
Darrin Stephens: Some witch. Even I can tell that.

Nurse Kelton: Who's Endora?
Darrin Stephens: She took my baby's childhood away from her. I've got to stop her.
Nurse Kelton: Oh, I've GOT to get out of this business.

Darrin Stephens: Please. Please don't go. Get back to the nursery.
Serena: I beg your pardon.
Darrin Stephens: You see I'm your father. Your daddy. Me da-da. Da-da?
Serena: Are you a psychiatric patient here?
Darrin Stephens: Quick. Back into your bassinet.
Serena: What is all this?
Darrin Stephens: Please you'll miss your feeding. Please believe me.
Serena: Look, I wasn't born yesterday, you know.
Darrin Stephens: I know. You were born today. Please get back to the nursery.
Serena: No, YOU get back to the nursery.
Serena: [Serena zaps Darrin back to the nursery with a baby rattle in his mouth]

Darrin Stephens: I've got to talk to you!
Serena: Not you again!
Darrin Stephens: You shouldn't be walking around like this.
Serena: Really? You shouldn't be walking around like that.
[Zaps Darrin into a Native American chief's outfit, complete with a feathered headdress]
Darrin Stephens: How can you do this to your daddy?
Manager: What's going on here?
Darrin Stephens: I know this all looks very strange... but uh there is an explanation. You see, I'm her father.
Manager: Sure. You're her daddy, right? She was born when you were eight years old, right?
Darrin Stephens: I know it doesn't add up, but she's...
[Sees that Serena has disappeared]
Darrin Stephens: She's gone. I've got to stop her.
Manager: You're not going anywhere.
Endora: [Pops in with arm mockingly raised to greet Darrin] How?
Darrin Stephens: Oh, well you're too late. My baby's out on the town.
Endora: Do you really think you should wear that outfit at your age?

Darrin Stephens: Don't play dumb with me, Endora. You've done some pretty rotten things in your time, but I didn't think you'd stoop this low. You're just an irresponsible, nasty...
Endora: Aah, aah, aah, ahh! Careful! You're asking for it.
Darrin Stephens: I'm not asking for anything. I'm telling you to take me to my daughter!
Endora: WELL, if that's what you want.
[Zaps Darrin over to nursery, next to Nurse Kelton]
Nurse Kelton: Look, just for the record, I'd like to ask you something. You're not really here, right? I mean I saw you here earlier with a pacifier in your mouth and now I see you here in your Indian suit. But, it's all in my imagination, right? You don't really exist, right?
Darrin Stephens: Right.
Nurse Kelton: Thanks.
[Darrin leaves. Nurse Kelton calmly picks up the telephone]
Nurse Kelton: Doctor Hassonbladt, Nurse Kelton. I'd like to make an appointment for a complete psychiatric examination, doctor.

"Bewitched: The Phrase Is Familiar (#6.17)" (1970)
Darrin Stephens: But remember one thing, Betty, you should thank your lucky stars because idle hands are the devil's plaything and a rolling stone gathers no moss.

Darrin Stephens: I already have a campaign worked out for the farm machinery. What's good for the goose doesn't necessarily mean it'll be good for the gander.
Larry Tate: Darrin, this gander wants slogans, and if we don't come up with some our goose is cooked.

Darrin Stephens: Larry, I'll be there to grab the bull by the horns, before any more water passes under the bridge.

Darrin Stephens: What's the matter? I'll try to keep a civil tongue in my mouth and at the same time talk turkey. I smell a rat.

Darrin Stephens: Because someone put a spell on me! And I'll bet dollars to donuts I know who did it.

Darrin Stephens: A friendly spell. Boy, with friends like you who needs enemies? There I go again. Every other word that comes out of my mouth is a cliché.

Darrin Stephens: That's the last straw. You tell her to button her lip!

Darrin Stephens: Yes. Just order me a club sandwich, Larry, I'll be back quicker thin you ran say Jack Robinson.
Larry Tate: Jack Robinson.
H. B. Summers: Jack Robinson.
Darrin Stephens: That's very good.
H. B. Summers: Why did we say that?
Larry Tate: I don't know. Maybe it's catching.

"Bewitched: Little Pitchers Have Big Fears (#1.6)" (1964)
Darrin Stephens: I know you, Samantha.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, really? You only look vaguely familiar to me.

Darrin Stephens: [about Marshall] What is he doing here?
Samantha Stephens: I'm his only friend in the neighborhood.
Darrin Stephens: Well, you're my only wife in the neighborhood. And I thought we'd have a nice breakfast together.

Samantha Stephens: Oh, well, hello, Marshall! What a surprise!
Darrin Stephens: How come? I'm here every morning.
[referring to Darrin]
Darrin Stephens: Who's he?
Marshall Burns: Well, I live here, that's who I am. Who are you?
Samantha Stephens: That's Marshall. He lives down the street.
Darrin Stephens: I see.
[to Marshall]
Darrin Stephens: Well, you overshot your mark.
Marshall Burns: It's okay. I can stay for breakfast. But you better not kiss me, because I've got a cold, I think.

Darrin Stephens: I'm late, Honey. Something happened to the alarm.
Samantha Stephens: Well, you might as well relax, Dear. You've missed your train already.
Darrin Stephens: I have? How do you know? Have you been, uh...?
Samantha Stephens: No, no. It's watchcraft, not witchcraft.

Darrin Stephens: I'm sure there was no great damage done Mrs. Burns. But Marshall shouldn't have disobeyed you.
Mrs. Burns: Why thank you Mr. Stephens. I'm glad to see that at least you are a sensible person.

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: Now how about some dinner?
Samantha Stephens: Anything you want. You just name it. Chateaubriand, coq au vin, bouillabaisse. I'm going to twitch us up a banquet tonight.
Darrin Stephens: Sam, you promised.
Samantha Stephens: Oh. Well, all right. Stop me again... and I'll scramble us up a couple of eggs.

Samantha Stephens: Wasn't it an exciting day? Aren't you glad you went? I mean, for Marshall's sake.
Darrin Stephens: Yes, I am. I'm very proud of him.
Samantha Stephens: And he did it all by himself. You saw that.
Darrin Stephens: Yes, but you almost slipped.
Samantha Stephens: Uh-huh. I was crazy about the way you stopped me. Thank you very much.
Darrin Stephens: The pleasure was all mine.

"Bewitched: The Girl Reporter (#1.9)" (1964)
Liza Randall: You're very sweet and I'll try not to keep your husband for too long.
Samantha Stephens: Oh well I appreciate that.
Liza Randall: You know I think creative advertising is among the more fascinating avocations in the world today.
Darrin Stephens: Yes. I suppose it is.
Liza Randall: And I never expected that anyone who is so successful in that field would be, well, as young as you, Mr. Stephens.
Darrin Stephens: Well, I'm not that young, Miss Randall, although most men in my position are a bit older I guess.
Samantha Stephens: Baloney.
Darrin Stephens: Hmm?
Samantha Stephens: [Serving snacks] And there's some corned beef and liverwurst and some of that wonderful smelly cheese, too. My husband's simply crazy about that.

Darrin Stephens: Who is it?
Samantha Stephens: Typical American school kid with freckles, silk stockings and three inch french heels.
Darrin Stephens: Liza?
Samantha Stephens: Well, it ain't Huckleberry Finn.
Darrin Stephens: Honey, why didn't you ask her to come in? Come on in, Liza.
Liza Randall: Good morning, Darrin.
Darrin Stephens: Good morning. Sit down, make yourself comfortable.
Liza Randall: [Sits down and boldly crosses legs] Thank you. Don't let me rush you. I'm ready anytime you are.
Darrin Stephens: Yes, uh, would you care for some coffee?
Liza Randall: [Smiling] No thank you.
Darrin Stephens: I'll be right with you as soon as I finish my legs - EGGS.
Liza Randall: After all, your wife's been nice enough to lend you to me for a whole day.
Samantha Stephens: Yes, of course. Why don't you two get started? I mean you want to get home before dark.

Darrin Stephens: [Gasping] What's in that drink?
Liza Randall: Root beer?
Darrin Stephens: Root beer and what?
Liza Randall: Scotch.

Darrin Stephens: Now listen to me, young lady. There's been enough of this nonsense.
Liza Randall: Oh we haven't done a thing.
Darrin Stephens: We have done all we're going to.
Liza Randall: [causes Darrin to lose his balance and both fall onto couch, with Liza landing on top] Oh look out!
Darrin Stephens: [Larry and a client enter Darrin's office and are shocked] Hi, Larry.
Mr. Austen: I think we are intruding!
Larry Tate: Uh, I don't think so. Uh, Mr. JOHNSON, have you seen Darrin Stephens this morning?
Darrin Stephens: No I haven't, but when I do I'll certainly tell him you were looking for him.
Larry Tate: Thank you.
[addressing Liza]
Larry Tate: Nice to see again, MRS. Johnson!
Darrin Stephens: All right, let's go.
[both stand up to leave]
Liza Randall: Isn't that cute? He 'married' us.

[first lines]
Darrin Stephens: Enough is enough. It's about time I paid some attention to you.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, don't worry about me. I'm practicing my button-sewing. Getting pretty good too, see?

Liza Randall: One thing I'm dying to know is where you got that idea for that wonderful Caldwell's Soup campaign. "The only thing that will ever come between us." It's an inspired slogan.
Darrin Stephens: Well, how did you know that was mine?
Liza Randall: I've made quite a study of you, Mr. Stephens.

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: You're still angry, aren't you?
Samantha Stephens: Why would you say that?
Darrin Stephens: All right, you're surrounded. Throw down your magic, and come out with your hands up.

"Bewitched: Witch or Wife (#1.8)" (1964)
Samantha Stephens: Darren, have you been drinking?
Darrin Stephens: Your mother was right!
Samantha Stephens: You have been drinking!

Samantha Stephens: All I want is the normal life of a normal housewife.
Darrin Stephens: That's why you went to Paris?
Samantha Stephens: I only went there for lunch.
Darrin Stephens: Well, that's normal.

Darrin Stephens: I just want you to know how lucky I think I am?
Samantha Stephens: Thank you, darling.

Darrin Stephens: Samantha!

Darrin Stephens: I should've known you can't take a beautiful witch in the prime of her life and expect her to hang up her twitch. It's against nature.

[first lines]
Larry Tate: Hi, Darrin.
Darrin Stephens: Hi, Larry. All set for your trip?
Larry Tate: Mm-mm, I leave tonight. I'll be in London tomorrow morning, Paris tomorrow night. I'm afraid it's one of the disadvantages of having a top designer for a client. I'd like to get out of it, but I figure it's good business to at least go over to look at his Spring collection.
Darrin Stephens: Yeah, it's touch having to go to dull places like London and Paris.
Larry Tate: No, this is no pleasure trip. Especially this year. My wife insists on coming with me.
Darrin Stephens: If you're that much against the trip, why don't you send me instead.
Larry Tate: Darrin, you're my best friend. I wouldn't send my worse enemy on a trip with Louise. So I know you won't mind.
Darrin Stephens: I had a feeling you were leading up to something.
Larry Tate: I do have a few loose ends that need looking after, and I wondered if you could take care of them while I'm gone.
Darrin Stephens: If you're going to be slaving away in Paris, it's the least I can do.
Larry Tate: Now, Susan. Well, au revoir and toi, je t'aime, I think.

Samantha Stephens: Are you sure you wouldn't like to just go back home?
Darrin Stephens: From here?
Samantha Stephens: We can, you know.
Darrin Stephens: Nothing doing. My nervous system has suffered enough trauma for one day, thank you.
Samantha Stephens: Well, all right. Anyway, it'll be fun seeing Paris for the first time.
Darrin Stephens: What do you mean? You've been there before.
Samantha Stephens: Never with you. And being in Paris with someone you love is like being in Paris for the first time. When we arrive, I wouldn't be at all surprised if Louise calls Larry and asks him to come back right away.
Darrin Stephens: Do you think so?
Samantha Stephens: I know it.
Darrin Stephens: Larry will never forgive me.

"Bewitched: The Magic Cabin (#2.16)" (1965)
[first lines]
Darrin Stephens: Listen, honey, if we don't come up with something on the Kingsley potato chip account, I may have to bring Larry home to work with me tonight.
Samantha Stephens: That's alright.
Darrin Stephens: Two weeks? Twelve hours a day, and nothing. Where's my case?
Samantha Stephens: Here.
Darrin Stephens: I don't understand it. I've never hit a dry spell like this before.
Samantha Stephens: Well, you'll think of something.
[Darrin walks out the door, straight past Samantha]
Samantha Stephens: Haven't you forgotten something?
[Darrin kisses her]
Samantha Stephens: Good.

Larry Tate: How can you say something like that with such enthusiasm?
Darrin Stephens: I always get enthusiastic when I'm desperate.
Larry Tate: I've noticed that. Whenever you leap to your feet and start to yell I know it's going to be a bomb.

Darrin Stephens: Put it out of your mind, Larry. There's nothing you can do or say that'll make me go.
Larry Tate: You're fired.
Darrin Stephens: I'll go.

Samantha Stephens: Okay. I guess I've used up my quota of witchcraft for the weekend.
Darrin Stephens: For the weekend? For the whole year.

Samantha Stephens: Why don't we just leave it the way it is? What possible harm could it do?
Darrin Stephens: Every time you say that, I feel like taking out accident insurance.
Darrin Stephens: Okay, I'll call Fred Hinkle in the morning.
Samantha Stephens: Who's Fred Hinkle?
Darrin Stephens: My insurance agent.

Darrin Stephens: [to Larry] You son of a gun.

Darrin Stephens: I can't understand it. I had the car checked just before we left.
Samantha Stephens: Does that little needle pointing to "E" mean anything?
Darrin Stephens: Yes, it means I forgot to get gas. The last station's about six miles back. It's a long walk.
Samantha Stephens: It certainly is.

"Bewitched: A Very Special Delivery (#2.2)" (1965)
[first lines]
Samantha Stephens: Oh, hi there.
Darrin Stephens: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean to wake you up.
Samantha Stephens: That's okay. I have to get up anyway. Mother's popping in.
Darrin Stephens: Have you er, told her the news about the baby yet?
Samantha Stephens: Well...
Darrin Stephens: Sam.
Samantha Stephens: I've uh, been sorta putting it off.
Darrin Stephens: How do you uh... How do you think she'll take it?
Samantha Stephens: I don't know. Somehow Mother doesn't strike me as the grandmother type.
Darrin Stephens: Well, she's just gonna have to get used to it.

Bartender: You alright, Mr. Stephens?
Darrin Stephens: Alright? Joe, I'm gonna have a baby.
Bartender: Oh, yeah? Congratulations to the wife.
Darrin Stephens: Not my wife. Me!
Bartender: You?
Darrin Stephens: Yes. I'm going to be a mother.
Bartender: Well that's great. You'll be the first man in the world to pull it off. You'll be famous.
Darrin Stephens: Yeah, I'll be famous. Fill it up again, Joe. I never thought of that. I'll be famous.
Darrin Stephens: I'll be famous. I'll be famous. I'll be famous.

Darrin Stephens: But if that mother of yours ever pulls a stunt like that again, I'm gonna use a little magic of my own. Make a few of her teeth disappear.
Samantha Stephens: And no jury will convict you.

Darrin Stephens: I'm doing this for Sam's good. Believe me, I know every ache and pain that she has, and it hurts me more than her.
Endora: It doesn't yet, but it will.

Darrin Stephens: Mr. Martin, are you gonna eat your pickle?
Mr. Martin: Yes, I am.
[to Larry]
Mr. Martin: I'd like to see the product a little larger. Like it was jumping out of the ad at you.
Larry Tate: Exactly. It would have more impact that way.
Darrin Stephens: You're not eating it.
Mr. Martin: I'll eat it when I feel like it.
Darrin Stephens: If you don't want it, there's no sense letting it go to waste.
Larry Tate: Darrin. It's his pickle.
Darrin Stephens: But it's just lying there.
Mr. Martin: So it's just lying there.
Darrin Stephens: Then why can't I have it?
Larry Tate: Darrin!
Darrin Stephens: You have no intention at all of eating that pickle.
Mr. Martin: Now, look, we're not gonna have an argument about a pickle.
Darrin Stephens: I demand your pickle!
Larry Tate: Darrin!

[last lines]
Samantha Stephens: Seriously, darling, you can't go on waiting on me like this. I'm not an invalid. I feel perfectly fine.
Darrin Stephens: Sam, don't try to tell me how you feel. I know how you feel. Exactly. Remember?
Samantha Stephens: Yes. Come to think of it, you do.
Darrin Stephens: That's right. I'm a man in a million.
Samantha Stephens: So big deal. I've always known that.
[Darrin hands her a glass of milk]
Samantha Stephens: Cheers.

"Bewitched: Be It Ever So Mortgaged (#1.2)" (1964)
Darrin Stephens: I love your hair. Always feels so soft, smells so good.
[kisses her hair and some gets in his mouth]
Darrin Stephens: Tastes good too. What is that?
Samantha: Strawberry frosting. It was going to be a surprise.
Darrin Stephens: It is a surprise. I always thought you had plain, ordinary hair.
Samantha: Do you like it?
Darrin Stephens: I love your hair.
Samantha: I mean the frosting. I baked you a cake.

Samantha: [Darrin feels that someone is around. Samantha pretends innocence] Who could be here?
Darrin Stephens: Nobody that I know, but I don't know about people you know. People I know, you can see, but I'm not so sure about people you know.

Darrin Stephens: Sam, are you angry about something?
Samantha: Why, no, of course not. It's just that I think some things should be kept to ourselves. You were talking about driving out of the city.
Darrin Stephens: Yes, well, I drove out to a new development... Some things should be kept to ourselves? Who's here?
Samantha: What do you mean?
Darrin Stephens: Just what I said. Who's here in this room with us? Is somebody watching us?

Darrin Stephens: [to Sam] Hi honey. Doesn't that look good!

Darrin Stephens: That's that.
Samantha: Incidentally, that poor woman you kissed and scared half to death was Gladys Kravitz. She and her husband, Abner, live across the street.
Darrin Stephens: Well, as soon a we get settled, I'll go over and apologise. Anyway, I suppose it's better than getting the neighborhood reputation of being standoffish.
Samantha: Oh, really.

Darrin Stephens: I love you, Mrs Stephens.
Samantha: And I love you, please believe that.

"Bewitched: Take Two Aspirins and Half a Pint of Porpoise Milk (#2.6)" (1965)
Gladys Kravitz: What's the door doing here?
Darrin Stephens: It leads to another room.
Gladys Kravitz: Over the front lawn?
Darrin Stephens: Cantilevered.
Samantha Stephens: We're adding a nursery.
[Mrs. Kravitz opens the door and there is nothing there]
Gladys Kravitz: The room hasn't been built yet.
Gladys Kravitz: You mean, you put a door in the wall first?
Samantha Stephens: How else would we get into the room to build it?

Darrin Stephens: Do you have any idea what's the matter?
Aunt Clara: I think her magic has gone to the pot, and she's developed square green spots.
Samantha Stephens: Aunt Clara, we thought maybe you'd know what disease I have.
Aunt Clara: Well, judging from the symptoms, I should think it's... er... a square green spot disease.
Darrin Stephens: Is that serious?
Aunt Clara: No, I don't think so. It's inconvenient, and it lasts a whole year.
Darrin Stephens: A year?
Aunt Clara: Yes. Usually only witches in Peru get it.
Samantha Stephens: Aunt Clara, we were looking at a Peruvian rose earlier. Could that have had anything to do with it?
Aunt Clara: Was it a black rose?
[Darrin nods]
Aunt Clara: Oh... Oh, dear. That explains... Explains everything. You know, a Peruvian black rose was a part of the formula that they used to drive the witches out of Peru.
Samantha Stephens: I didn't know they had witches in Peru.
Aunt Clara: Well, they haven't. It worked.
Darrin Stephens: Aunt Clara, you said the disease isn't usually serious, but Sam's pregnant.
Aunt Clara: Oh, really? Well, I've never known it to have that effect before. Never. I...
Samantha Stephens: Aunt Clara, Darrin wants to know if my having the disease while pregnant is serious.
Aunt Clara: Well, there's only one way to find that out: Ask a Peruvian witch who was pregnant when she got the square green spot disease. Offhand, I think the chances of finding her is uh... is not too good.
Darrin Stephens: Isn't there anything we can do?
Aunt Clara: Well, now, if I only had the right ingredients, I could whip up a brew that could get rid of it like that, you know.
Samantha Stephens: You could?
Aunt Clara: Why, of course. Darrin, now would you mind running out and picking up some items I need?
Darrin Stephens: Of course not, Aunt Clara. There's a drug store right here in the neighbourhood, stays open all night.
Samantha Stephens: Exactly what do you need Aunt Clara?
Aunt Clara: Well, now, let me see.
[to Darrin]
Aunt Clara: I think you'd better make a list. Well, now, let me see. Two bat wings. A half a pint of porpoise milk. And be sure it's fresh. Be sure it's fresh. Four eye of newt. And an ostrich feather. One. Yes, that's it. You got that, Darrin?
Aunt Clara: Well, I'll give you the address of a little place that I shop.

Darrin Stephens: [to the officer at the police station] Sergeant, do I look like the type of man who would go around accosting ladies in the middle of the night?
Police Sergeant: No. No, I must admit you don't. You seem normal enough.
Darrin Stephens: Well, thank you, Sergeant.
Police Sergeant: By the way, what's in the bag?
Darrin Stephens: Just some things I bought. May I go now?
Police Sergeant: Just as soon as you tell me the contents of the bag.
Darrin Stephens: Does it matter?
Police Sergeant: It matters. What's in the bag?
Darrin Stephens: Two bat wings, half a pint of porpoise milk, four eye of newt.
Police Sergeant: You remember what I said about you seeming normal?
[Darrin nods]
Police Sergeant: Forget it.

Darrin Stephens: [about the green square spots on Samantha's face] They seem to be getting bigger.
Aunt Clara: Never mind. When I get my potion, she'll be as right as rain.
Samantha Stephens: But aren't you still missing one ostrich feather?
Aunt Clara: Oh, yes, yes. Well, I'll try and conjure one up
[prepares spell-casting]
Aunt Clara: . Now, cross your fingers.
[Samantha and Darrin do so]
Darrin Stephens: Is that part of the spell?
Aunt Clara: No, but I need all the luck I can get. Now, one ostrich feather. Prankis, stokas, nixby, rashby.
[a full grown live ostrich appears]
Aunt Clara: I didn't realize they were that big, you know.

Mr. Trigby: Porpoise milk? Porpoise milk.
[goes to get the porpoise milk from the fridge]
Darrin Stephens: Please make sure it's fresh.
Mr. Trigby: Fresh? Why, I milked the porpoise myself, this morning.

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: Oh, well, Mr. Norton, I want you to know that I'll understand if you request another account executive.
Mr. Norton: [decides to let Darrin go] Darrin, all I know is, a man whose wife can raise black Peruvian roses, can't be all bad.
Darrin Stephens: She's something pretty special.
Mr. Norton: Special? Mrs. Stephens, you must be the greatest horitculturist in the country, or some sort of a, a magician.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, not at all, Mr. Norton. I simply have a green...
Darrin Stephens: ...Nose. Uh, thumb.
Samantha Stephens: Yes, thumb.

"Bewitched: It Shouldn't Happen to a Dog (#1.3)" (1964)
Babs Livingston: Can I tell you something, honey? That little girl you married is a witch.
Darrin Stephens: Pardon?
Babs Livingston: In all my life, I never saw one person that could throw together a dinner like this. And she did it all by herself. It's like magic.
Darrin Stephens: She's very gifted that way.

Samantha: Mr. Barker, I'm warning you!
[she turns Mr. Barker into a dog]
Darrin Stephens: [entering] What are you doing out here all alone?
Samantha: [holding the dog] Oh, I'm not alone.

Darrin Stephens: [pointing to Mr. Barker, who is now a dog] That's my client?
Samantha: You don't even wanna hear what happened?
Darrin Stephens: I had the account all wrapped up. What am I supposed to do now? Bring Larry Tate a contract with Barker's paw print on it?

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: Samantha!
Samantha: I know, I know. No 'hocus pocus'. So sue me, it was worth it.

Darrin Stephens: Will he remember any of this?
Samantha: No.
Darrin Stephens: Good. Change him back.

Rex Barker: Hi.
Darrin Stephens: What are you doing here?
Rex Barker: Well I just dropped by to tell you I signed with your outfit, provided you handle the account.
Darrin Stephens: You expect me to work with you after what happened?
Rex Barker: Oh, forget it. I've got a problem. Some of my best friends have knocked me cold. Hey, listen, if you and your wife are ever in Columbus, Ohio, I... Oh, forget it.
Darrin Stephens: Sam! They want me back on the job.
Samantha: Well, I'm not surprised.
Darrin Stephens: You didn't have anything to do with this, did you?
Samantha: Of course not, everybody wants you because you're the best there is. Now how about taking me out to celebrate?
Darrin Stephens: Goo idea. I'll get my hat.
Samantha: Uh-uh. Don't you dare move.

"Bewitched: Mother, Meet What's His Name (#1.4)" (1964)
Darrin Stephens: [asking about Endora] Well, what sort of eyes does she have?
Samantha: They're blue. All five of them.

Endora: This must be Whats-His-Name?
Samantha: Mother, this is my husband. This is...
Darrin Stephens: ...Darrin.

Darrin Stephens: Well, I'd like it much better if you'd call me by my first name.
Endora: Very well, Dennis.

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: Say, could she... I mean, really turn me into an artichoke?
Samantha: If she wanted to.
Darrin Stephens: That's creepy. What could you do? I mean, if she did?
Samantha: Nothing, except...
Darrin Stephens: Except what?
Samantha: I could become an artichoke too.

Darrin Stephens: I don't mean to be disrespectful, but we wanna live normal lives.
Endora: What is normal to you young man, is to us asinine.

Darrin Stephens: Oh sure, sure, I suppose I look like some sort of a freak to you because I want to live what is to me a normal existence.
Samantha: Darrin, I didn't say that. I understand how you feel. Whatever it is you want, that's what I want too.
Darrin Stephens: Are you absolutely sure, Sam?
Samantha: Yes.
Darrin Stephens: What about your mother?
Samantha: She'll get used to the idea. Anyway, you married me, not my mother.

"Bewitched: Daddy Comes to Visit (#6.10)" (1969)
Maurice: I think your mother's entirely wrong about him. Sit down, sit down.
Darrin Stephens: Thank you, sir.
Maurice: Please, why so formal? Call me Maurice.
Darrin Stephens: Okay Maurice.
Maurice: Or Dad.
Darrin Stephens: Okay Dad.
Maurice: You were right. Sir is best.

Maurice: What a pleasure to see you, Dustin.
Darrin Stephens: Darrin.

Darrin Stephens: Mr. Bliss, word of mouth is a good way to spread a cough not a cough syrup.

Darrin Stephens: Never mind that. You Shanghied me to Hong Kong.

Larry Tate: How'd you get that inside info?
Darrin Stephens: Larry, so help me, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me!
Larry Tate: You son of a gun.

"Bewitched: My Boss, the Teddy Bear (#2.13)" (1965)
[first lines]
Samantha Stephens: You were up early this morning, huh? What were you doing in the den? Darrin?
Darrin Stephens: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
[Darrin passes Samantha a bottle of ketchup]
Samantha Stephens: Oh, just what I need. Ketchup with my oatmeal. Big day today, sweetheart?
Darrin Stephens: Good. Have a nice time.
Samantha Stephens: I have a feeling I'm not getting through to you.

Endora: [appears] Your cousin Miranda is going to get married, and we're going to the wedding, so be ready to leave tonight.
Samantha Stephens: Don't you ever say hello?
Endora: You'll enjoy a vacation from this suburban prison.
Samantha Stephens: Mother, I can't go. The Tates are coming for dinner. And anyway, I couldn't leave Darrin alone.
Endora: You know, Samantha, you're devotion to that mortal is absolutely pathetic. Well, I suppose we could drag him along. Show him how the elite live.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, I don't think so, Mother. Besides, Darrin is very busy. And I've...
Endora: [Darrin walks into the room] Derwood, we're all going to a wedding. So you better arrange to take two days off from whatever it is you do.
Darrin Stephens: Don't you ever say hello?
Samantha Stephens: Darrin, you think you could get a couple of days off?
Darrin Stephens: I'm afraid not, honey. I'm snowed under with work. I'm sure Larry wouldn't let me off.
Endora: Oh, I can take care of that.
Darrin Stephens: Oh, how?
Endora: Well, I'll simply turn Mr. Tate into an inanimate object for two days. He'll never know you've gone away.
Samantha Stephens: Mother.
Endora: Well, it was just an idea.
Darrin Stephens: Let's keep it that way. I'm afraid you'll just have to count us out, Endora.
Endora: Oh, don't give up so easily. I don't.
Darrin Stephens: You know the trouble with your mother? She's here today and here tomorrow. See you tonight.

Darrin Stephens: We'll take all these teddy bears.
Toy Clerk: Mister, there are twenty-four teddy bears here.
Darrin Stephens: I know. We're having a picnic.
Toy Clerk: A teddy bears' picnic.

Samantha Stephens: I think Mother accepted your apology rather graciously, don't you?
Darrin Stephens: Yes. Although I did have a little trouble getting to my feet after being in the kneeing position for so long.

Darrin Stephens: How did you know that?
Samantha Stephens: Would you believe me if I said it was intuition?
Darrin Stephens: Of course. But just this once.
[on the phone]
Darrin Stephens: Hello, Mr. Harper.

"Bewitched: Driving Is the Only Way to Fly (#1.26)" (1965)
Samantha Stephens: After all, why should I learn how to drive, when I already know how to fly?
Darrin Stephens: We've already been through all this. You should learn to drive because the way you fly is for the birds.
Samantha Stephens: Look at it this way: I get where I wanna go faster, I save money on gas and oil and I always find a parking space.

Darrin Stephens: This is the gear selector. P is for Park. R, Reverse. N, Neutral. D, Drive. L, Low. You try it?
Samantha Stephens: P for Park. R for Reverse. N, Neutral. D, Drive. L for Low.
Darrin Stephens: Now we'll start with neutral...
Samantha Stephens: Did I get them all right?
Darrin Stephens: Yes.
Samantha Stephens: I bet you thought I wouldn't, because I'm so nervous.
Darrin Stephens: May I continue? Neutral is...
Samantha Stephens: Please do, I'm sorry I interrupted.
Darrin Stephens: Neutral is...
Samantha Stephens: [interrupts] It won't happen again.

Darrin Stephens: Neutral is where you place the lever when you wanna start the car.
Samantha Stephens: How come it isn't called S or SC?
Darrin Stephens: I don't know. Next, you go to drive. Drive is where you put the lever when you wanna go forward.
Samantha Stephens: In that case, why don't they call it F?
Darrin Stephens: Because they don't.
Samantha Stephens: Darrin, that's no answer. If you want me to understand, you have to explain.
Darrin Stephens: Excuse me. I don't know why they don't call it F.
Samantha Stephens: That's better.
Darrin Stephens: Low is infrequently used, so we'll table that for later discussion. We'll go directly to Reverse. Can you guess what Reverse is for?
Samantha Stephens: For reversing lanes in traffic.
Darrin Stephens: Wrong. For going backward.
Samantha Stephens: Backward should be B. These initials are illogical.

Darrin Stephens: Having mastered the gear positions, here's the ignition key. They call it ignition, because it ignites the engine.
Samantha Stephens: The engine ignites? Isn't that dangerous?

Darrin Stephens: [Darrin calls Samantha from work] Hello, sweetheart, this is your husband, D.
Samantha Stephens: D for Dearest, or D for Darling?
Darrin Stephens: D for Dumb.

"Bewitched: That Was My Wife (#1.31)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: I've a couple of ideas on the subject.
Larry Tate: So have I.
Darrin Stephens: I was thinking of the campaign.
Larry Tate: Oh.

Larry Tate: It's very frustrating when I think of all that charm and sex appeal going to waste.
Darrin Stephens: Ellen's?
Larry Tate: No, mine.

Darrin Stephens: [after Sam pops out] Sometimes I think I'm married to Peter Pan.

Samantha Stephens: I guess there's only one thing you can do.
Darrin Stephens: Tell her you're a witch?
Samantha Stephens: No!

Larry Tate: How did Samantha get from your house to the hotel in less than twenty minutes?
Darrin Stephens: She umm, she's a witch!

"Bewitched: We're in for a Bad Spell (#2.3)" (1965)
[first lines]
Adam Newlarkin: Well, I certainly appreciate you letting me stay here. I'll try not to be too much bother.
Darrin Stephens: We're glad to have you Adam. It'll be like old times.
Adam Newlarkin: Not quite, Darrin. The food we had in the army was never like this.
Samantha Stephens: Why, thank you. You can stay as long as you like.
Adam Newlarkin: Well, actually, it won't be more than a couple of days. I have an appointment for a job tomorrow, and if I land it, I'll be looking around for a place of my own.

Adam Newlarkin: Help! Help!
[Adam is covered in lettuce leaves]
Darrin Stephens: Adam, what happened?
Adam Newlarkin: I know this doesn't make sense, but the salad attacked me.

Samantha Stephens: [referring to the spell on Adam in Aunt Clara's Book Of Spellees] It's no good shaking your head, Darrin. Tomorrow, Adam will be exactly the same age as the judge when he sentenced Zorelda.
Darrin Stephens: Oh, Sam...
Samantha Stephens: Believe me. Believe me, that spell will take effect by five p.m. tomorrow. It's all here in red and white.
Darrin Stephens: Just because it's written in some crazy... - Red and white?
Samantha Stephens: It's thicker than ink.

Darrin Stephens: Aunt Clara, Adam was curious about why you collect doorknobs.
Aunt Clara: Oh, that's easy. Because they're there.

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: [Sam is reading Aunt Clara's Book of Spellees] Honey, how about some coffee? Sam. Sam.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, I'm sorry sweetheart, I didn't hear you.
Darrin Stephens: Well, that Book Of Spellees must be pretty interesting.
Samantha Stephens: Well, it ought to be. It was banned in Boston.
Aunt Clara: Have you got to Darrin's name yet?
Samantha Stephens: Oh?
Darrin Stephens: My name? My name is in there?
Samantha Stephens: Now, just a minute. Uh-huh. Yes, here it is. Right there. See?
Darrin Stephens: Oh, well, what does it say?
Samantha Stephens: It says you're going to marry a witch and live happily ever after.
Darrin Stephens: Does it really say that?
Samantha Stephens: No. But it's true. I'm a witch, and I know.

"Bewitched: A Change of Face (#1.33)" (1965)
Samantha Stephens: Darrin, are you mad at me?
Darrin Stephens: No, that's not the word.
Samantha Stephens: Furious?
Darrin Stephens: You're getting warmer.

Darrin Stephens: I'm sorry, Sam. I've sort of grown accustomed to my face. I thought you had too.

Darrin Stephens: Joe, has your wife ever tried to change your face?
Bartender: Twice. Once with a rolling pin, and once with a seven-iron.

Bartender: Boy, you're wife must be something really special.
Darrin Stephens: She is, Joe. She is.

"Bewitched: Help, Help, Don't Save Me (#1.5)" (1964)
Larry Tate: You look terrible. What's happened?
Darrin Stephens: Nothing much. I just lost the Caldwell account and my wife all in one week.
Larry Tate: What? That's horrible.
Darrin Stephens: I know, I can't believe it.
Larry Tate: Your wife too, huh?

Darrin Stephens: Samantha, come back here! Samantha! Samantha!

Samantha: It seems ridiculous that something like a can of soup could ever come between us.
Darrin Stephens: And nothing ever will again.

Darrin Stephens: Beautiful, isn't it?
Samantha: Breathtaking.
Darrin Stephens: You know, I come down here every once in a while just to sit and stare. It's kind of old-fashioned and romantic, isn't it?
Samantha: Mm-mm. It's wonderful. And I'm very proud of you.
Darrin Stephens: Thank you, sweetheart.

"Bewitched: Junior Executive (#2.10)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: [angry about Endora, after she turned him into a little boy] Sam, it has got to stop. I'm a human being, not a plaything to be whapped up and down at will.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, darling, I agree. It was a terrible thing for Mother to do, but would you please eat?
Darrin Stephens: Terrible? She could have stunted me out of ten years' growth. As a matter of fact, she did.
Samantha Stephens: Twenty actually, but who's counting? At least have some coffee.

Darrin Stephens: Now I know how Superman feels!

[first lines]
Samantha Stephens: [Darrin is sleeping] Darrin, it's seven thirty.
[Darrin does not wake up]
Samantha Stephens: .
Endora: Is he always so bright and cheery in the morning?
Samantha Stephens: Mother, will you please get out of here? The poor dear's been up all night trying to think up a campaign to sell that boat.
Endora: You think that's amusing?
Samantha Stephens: No. I was just thinking how sweet he looks. Like a little boy. Bet he was cute.
Endora: What makes you think that?
Samantha Stephens: Well, look at what he grew up to look like.
Endora: Oh, that's the argument I was going to use.
Samantha Stephens: I've never seen any photos of Darrin when he was a little boy. Wonder what he was really like?
Endora: Well that's easy to find out.
Samantha Stephens: Don't you dare! Darrin wouldn't like that.
Endora: Oh, don't be silly. He needn't ever know.
Samantha Stephens: Mother.
Endora: [Endora turns Darrin into a boy. Endora notices the boy, to the pregnant Samantha] Oh, Samantha, you better start praying for a girl.
Samantha Stephens: I think he's adorable. I'll consider myself very lucky if our child looks like him. Now I think you'd better change him back.
Endora: No. No, I'd like a better look at him.
[Enodra opens the shutters and young Darrin wakes up]
Young Darrin: Oh, hi, Sam. What time is it?
Endora: Why don't you look at your Mickey Mouse watch?

Young Darrin: I still don't know what campaign's gonna sell this toy.
Samantha Stephens: [to little Darrin] Well, I think it's silly for them to put so much faith in you. After all, what do they expect from a ten-year-old kid?
[Darrin's not pleased]
Samantha Stephens: Sorry, darling, I was only trying to make you feel better.
Young Darrin: Sam, nobody likes a smart-aleck witch. I'll see you in my office after the meeting.

"Bewitched: ...And Then I Wrote (#2.9)" (1965)
[first lines]
Doctor Passmore: Good afternoon. Mrs. Stephens?
Samantha Stephens: Yes.
Doctor Passmore: I'm Doctor Passmore. Is Mr. Stephens in?
Samantha Stephens: No, I'm sorry, he isn't, but I expect him soon. Won't you come in, Doctor?
Doctor Passmore: Oh, thank you. Oh, just by the way of introduction, I am cheif psychiatrist at Meadowbrook Rest Home. Our guests are aware of the fact that this is the centennial of the year which marked the end of the War Between the States, and uh... they'd like to do something about it.
Samantha Stephens: Aren't they a bit late?
Doctor Passmore: Mrs. Stephens, they would like to commemorate the event.
Samantha Stephens: Yes, of course. Well, what's this got to do with Darrin?
Doctor Passmore: Well, it's necessary for us to inform the public of our undertaking. That means advertising, and I understand your husband excels in that field.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, he does. And it sounds like a wonderful idea. I'm sure I can vouch for Darrin. And I'm certain that he'll be happy to do your publicity.
Doctor Passmore: Oh, really? Then I may depend upon it?
Samantha Stephens: For such a worthy cause? I give you my word.
Darrin Stephens: [some time later] You gave him your word? Honey, I'm right in the middle of planning the Jarvis account, I'm drawing the Slater TV commercials, and I'm racing the time clock planning that Murphy's Supermarket opening, and you gave him your word.
Samantha Stephens: Darrin, please.
Darrin Stephens: Well, then I'll give you my word. In a word, "No".
Samantha Stephens: I thought you wanted me to be interested in civic things.
Darrin Stephens: I do. So, what are you doing for this noble project? Sam, I couldn't do it even if I wanted to. My knowledge of the Civil War is slightly less than limited.
Samantha Stephens: I could help. Mine's perfect.
Darrin Stephens: [phone rings] Hello? Hello, Doctor Passmore... Well I'm happy to do it... Oh, well, ah, could I make a suggestion? I think that my wife wife would be perfect for it... Oh, yes, an expert... She'll do it... I give you my word... Bye.
Samantha Stephens: Do what?
Darrin Stephens: Write the pageant.
Samantha Stephens: Write the... Me?

Samantha Stephens: Well, I've learned something very important tonight.
Darrin Stephens: What's that?
Samantha Stephens: Never let your husband criticize on an empty stomach.

Darrin Stephens: What happened?
Samantha Stephens: I kissed you, I guess.
Darrin Stephens: I know you kissed me, but has that got to do with anything?
Samantha Stephens: Well, when I kiss you, I can't think about anything else. And when I stop thinking, they disappear. Now you kiss me.
Darrin Stephens: Why, are they back?
Samantha Stephens: No, just for the heck of it.

Darrin Stephens: Sam, I can't understand why you don't do something. You're a witch.
Samantha Stephens: With a perfectly normal subconscious, and nobody can control their subconscious. Besides that, since I've started writing, I have an over-stimulated imagination.
Darrin Stephens: Well, then forget the whole project. Tell Passmore to get somebody else.
Samantha Stephens: Well, I can't go back on my promise.
Darrin Stephens: Honey, he'll understand. He's a psychiatrist. His life is filled with broken promises.

"Bewitched: A Nice Little Dinner Party (#1.19)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: [about Endora] She's a very interesting women isn't she?
Phyllis Stephens: Yes. But I wouldn't worry about that dear. Samantha probably takes after her father.

Darrin Stephens: I told you your mother was up to something. I'm beginning to understand why they used to burn witches at Salem.

Phyllis Stephens: I'm not upset. I must say I'm a little surprised that after forty years of marriage, my husband should turn out to be a senior delinquent, but I'm not upset.
[puts the coffee pot in the fridge]
Darrin Stephens: Mom, you just put the coffee pot in the fridge.
Phyllis Stephens: You wanted more?

"Bewitched: Trick or Treat (#2.7)" (1965)
[first lines]
Endora: Wake up. Wake up, Samantha. This is the day.
Samantha Stephens: Mother, what... It's five o'clock in the morning.
Endora: Well, I wanted to give you time to pack your bags.
Samantha Stephens: What are you talking about?
Endora: Samantha, I've let you have your own way a good deal since you were married, but this is the one time you'll do as I say.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, mother.
Endora: You owe it to your past. I'll be back in four hours, and then we'll start on our journey.
Samantha Stephens: Would you mind telling what this is all about?
Endora: This is the black day for us, Samantha. This is Halloween.
Darrin Stephens: [waking up] What's the matter, honey? Did you have a bad dream?
Samantha Stephens: No. I'm just starting one.

Darrin Stephens: [greets the little girl] Well, don't we look pretty?
Young Endora: Cut the small talk. What have you got?
[takes a bag]
Young Endora: It looks like junk to me, Mister.
Darrin Stephens: I'm sorry, but it's the bag or nothing.
Young Endora: No dice. I'm going to have to trick you.
Darrin Stephens: [friendly] Go ahead, trick me.
Young Endora: [casts the spell] You're tricked. You'd better watch out.
Darrin Stephens: [smiles] I'm not worried. I've been tricked by experts.

Darrin Stephens: [Darrin is turning into a werewolf] If I get any worse, call the police.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, I couldn't do that.
Darrin Stephens: Then call the zoo.

"Bewitched: Alias Darrin Stephens (#2.1)" (1965)
[first lines]
Darrin Stephens: Sweetheart, you look beautiful.
Samantha Stephens: Thank you, Darling. What time is our reservation?
Darrin Stephens: Eight o'clock. Any regrets about not having a party?
Samantha Stephens: Nope. I want to celebrate our first wedding anniversary alone.
Darrin Stephens: So do I. How about us? One whole year.
[There is an explosion. They run outside to see that Aunt Clara has demolished the gazebo]
Samantha Stephens: Aunt Clara?
Aunt Clara: Oh, dear. I thought I'd drop in to wish you a happy anniversary.

Darrin Stephens: [trying on the golf cap Aunt Clara brought him] What do you think?
Aunt Clara: I don't know. I think it's a little small.
Darrin Stephens: I'll exchange it.
Aunt Clara: Oh, don't be silly. No, I'll cast a spell, and everything will be quite alright.
Darrin Stephens: Don't go to any trouble, Aunt Clara.
Aunt Clara: Aba-daba-daba, Daba-daba-aba, Remedium decapito zipperary.
[Darrin is transformed into a chimpanzee]
Aunt Clara: I goofed.

[last lines]
Samantha Stephens: Oh, hi, Mrs. Gravitz.
Gladys Kravitz: Hello. I wondered if you knew anything about the chimp I caught here today.
Samantha Stephens: Chimp?
Gladys Kravitz: Yes. Cute little thing. He was wearing a tuxedo and a golf cap.
[Darrin walks over wearing a tuxedo and a golf cap]
Darrin Stephens: Yes? Go on, Mrs. Kravitz.
[Mrs. Kravitz screams and runs home]

"Bewitched: The Joker Is a Card (#2.5)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: Hi, Mom.
Endora: How are you, Darrin?
Darrin Stephens: Darrin?
Endora: The name is unfamiliar to you?
Darrin Stephens: No, but I thought it was unfamiliar to you?
Endora: I'll make an agreement with you. I'll try to remember your name if you promise never to call me "Mom".

Samantha Stephens: [refers to uncle Arthur] Now, I love him, despite his practical jokes. He's my favorite uncle. Why, do you know, when I was a little girl, he thought me to make my first pony?
Darrin Stephens: Honey, I don't care. I don't want... - He what?
Samantha Stephens: I was only four. I couldn't get the spell right. I remember I got one horseshoe and the saddle, but I just couldn't...
Darrin Stephens: Sam, what are we gonna do about him?
Samantha Stephens: Try to put up with his bad jokes and be nice to him. Please.

Uncle Arthur: [Samantha, Darrin, Endora and Arthur are together, drinking coffee] Cream, Darrin?
Darrin Stephens: Yes, please.
Uncle Arthur: [he creates instantly a cow by magic] Help yourself.
[gets amused]
Uncle Arthur: Forgive me. I just can't help milking a joke.

"Bewitched: My Grandson, the Warlock (#2.4)" (1965)
[first lines]
Samantha Stephens: [Sam and Darrin are in bed asleep and the phone rings waking them up] Who would be phoning at this hour?
Darrin Stephens: I don't know.

Samantha Stephens: [playing with Larry and Louise Tate's baby] Isn't he cute?
Darrin Stephens: [to the baby] Gouch, gouch, gouch...
Samantha Stephens: Oh, Darrin, I wouldn't do that.
Darrin Stephens: Why?
Samantha Stephens: They say that baby talk isn't good for babies.
Darrin Stephens: [to the baby] Oh, then. Say, young fellow, what's your feeling about the income-tax situation?
[the baby starts crying]
Darrin Stephens: Mine too.

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: [after Gladys Kravitz sees Maurice leave the Stephens' home through the wall] How are we ever going to explain that?
Samantha Stephens: We won't have to. By the time she's finished that martini, she'll believe anything.

"Bewitched: Three Wishes (#3.22)" (1967)
Darrin Stephens: That was no lady! That was my mother-in-law!

Samantha Stephens: Darrin, I'm leaving you. I'm going home to mother.
Darrin Stephens: What do you mean "going home to mother"? Your mother's always here!

"Bewitched: Twitch or Treat (#3.7)" (1966)
Samantha Stephens: Darrin, do you love me?
Darrin Stephens: No.
[Samantha is mad]
Darrin Stephens: I mean, yes, I love you but no, I won't do what you want me to do when you say "Darrin, do you love me?".

Darrin Stephens: [Eva hits on Darrin on the couch] Umm, ha, Eva, Eva, please. I'm a married man
Eva: I know.
Samantha Stephens: [to Uncle Arthur] While I better take care of that.
Eva: That's what makes you so interesting.
Darrin Stephens: While, Eva...
[Eva turn back into a cat, Darrin shows a shocked expression]
Eva: RATS!
Samantha Stephens: [pick up cat Eva] He HE, Exactly. Go chase a few.
[puts cat Eva down]

"Bewitched: A Is for Aardvark (#1.17)" (1965)
Samantha Stephens: [Darrin just sent down a paper flier and got a pencil, flying by magic, back] Darrin, before you get angry. Please be fair. You sailed something down to me, right? It was only fair, that I sail a little something back up to you.
Darrin Stephens: [argues] What I did was not only extremely clever and humorous, it was aerodynamically sound. What you did, was witchcraft.

Darrin Stephens: [Samantha just made it possible that all the items in the house cooperate with Darrin, she encourages him to give it a try]
[with a strong voice]
Darrin Stephens: Banana... come!... Darrin.
Samantha Stephens: You don't have to sound like Tarzan.
Darrin Stephens: Well I never talked to a banana before.

"Bewitched: A Vision of Sugar Plums (#2.15)" (1965)
[first lines]
Samantha Stephens: Darrin?
Darrin Stephens: I'm right here, sweetheart.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, hi there.

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: What was that...?

"Bewitched: The Very Informal Dress (#2.8)" (1965)
[first lines]
Darrin Stephens: Honey, I'm home.

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: I'll see you tonight, honey.
Samantha Stephens: Ta-ta.
Darrin Stephens: So long.
Samantha Stephens: Good.

"Bewitched: Speak the Truth (#2.14)" (1965)
[first lines]
Samantha Stephens: Darrin, is that you?
Darrin Stephens: No, I left half an hour ago.

[last lines]
Darrin Stephens: As I was saying, your mother is an irritating, meddling, nasty...
[Endora disappears]
Darrin Stephens: Well, I guess I told her.
Samantha Stephens: Guess you did.

"Bewitched: Humbug Not to Be Spoken Here (#4.16)" (1967)
Mr. Mortimer: You know I don't believe in all this Christmas fuss. It's crass, commercial nonsense. It's, uh, it's, um...
Darrin Stephens: Try 'humbug'.

Darrin Stephens: I thought you and Hawkins were going to stay home and celebrate Humbug.

"Bewitched: It Takes One to Know One (#1.11)" (1964)
Larry Tate: Well, I'll see you tomorrow?
Darrin Stephens: Where are you going?
Larry Tate: Home.
Darrin Stephens: Do you have to?
Larry Tate: Yes.
Darrin Stephens: Louise is waiting for you, I suppose?
Larry Tate: [unenthusiastically] Hmm-mm...

Darrin Stephens: [under Janine's spell] I said I wanna kiss you more than anything else in the world.
Jannine: Go ahead.
[as she goes into kiss him, Samantha twitches her nose and turns him into a fish]

"Bewitched: A Vision of Sugar Plums (#1.15)" (1964)
Darrin Stephens: Well, what are you going to do?
Samantha Stephens: I thought I'd take him to see Santa Claus.
Darrin Stephens: Another one?
Samantha Stephens: The real one.
Darrin Stephens: The real...? Are you telling - are you trying to tell me there really is...?
Samantha Stephens: Of course there is, darling.
Darrin Stephens: Where? I mean wha-whe-wha-where does he?
Samantha Stephens: Where does he live?
Darrin Stephens: Yeah.
Samantha Stephens: The North Pole!

Samantha Stephens: Why don't you come with us?
Darrin Stephens: You're kidding.
Samantha Stephens: I'm serious.
Darrin Stephens: Me? Go to the North Pole? To see Santa Claus?
Samantha Stephens: Why not? It's Christmas.
Darrin Stephens: ...All right.

"Bewitched: George the Warlock (#1.30)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: I locked myself out.
D. D. 'Danger' O'Riley: It happens to me all the time.

Darrin Stephens: You have personally set back the mother-in-law business 200 years!

"Bewitched: Pleasure O'Riley (#1.25)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: Good evening, Miss O'Reilly. Did you lock yourself out or something?
Pleasure O'Reilly: Oh, Darrin, thank goodness. I hope I'm not disturbing you, but, but, I'm so frightened.

Darrin Stephens: Thor "Thunderbolt" Swenson, The Manglers' offensive fullback?
Pleasure O'Reilly: Who else?
Samantha Stephens: Maybe one of the other ten boys you've been engaged to?

"Bewitched: Love Is Blind (#1.13)" (1964)
Kermit: Susan's never talked like that before.
Samantha Stephens: It is strange. She was so friendly at first.
Darrin Stephens: She wouldn't have, if my wife had gone and powdered her nose, instead of twitching it in other people's business.
Samantha Stephens: I didn't say a word.
Darrin Stephens: You didn't have to.

Kermit: I haven't gone out with anyone but Gertrude.
Darrin Stephens: Is that any reason to turn your back on an old friend like Susan?
Kermit: Susan's not a friend. She's a girl.
Darrin Stephens: Susan is a person.

"Bewitched: Illegal Separation (#1.32)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: Hurry back honey, before the champagne gets cold.

Samantha Stephens: Oh, boy. That Mr. Kravitz sure is a great sleeper.
Darrin Stephens: He's also a good snorer with amazing long-range reverberations.
Samantha Stephens: There was a fleeting moment there around three am, when I thought we were under attack by enemy aircraft. In a way, it's kind of cute.
Darrin Stephens: Cute? Honey there is nothing cute about staying awake all night, listening to stereophonic snoring.

"Bewitched: Sam in the Moon (#3.17)" (1967)
Darrin Stephens: Sam, please, one more question. Where did you go?
Samantha Stephens: You want to know where I went?
Darrin Stephens: Yes.
Samantha Stephens: Alright, I'll tell you - to the *moon*!
[Aggravated, she points her finger at him]
Samantha Stephens: And one of these days...

Darrin Stephens: Sam believe me I have not suddenly gone spooky. When other women, mortal women say they've been to the moon, you figure, okay figure of speech. But when you say it that's something else altogether. And then when I saw the dust and the tea the tea was green, remember.

"Bewitched: Your Witch Is Showing (#1.20)" (1965)
Samantha Stephens: Mother's often said that mortals are their own worst enemies.
Darrin Stephens: You just said the one word I don't like to hear.
Samantha Stephens: 'Enemies'?
Darrin Stephens: 'Mother'.

"Bewitched: Ling Ling (#1.21)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: You took a cat, and turned it into a girl? I can't believe that! Why can't I believe that? I'm married to a witch, and a witch can do anything with anything. So she took a cat and turned it into a girl, and my friend Wally fell in love with her. What's so hard to believe about that?

"Bewitched: The Cat's Meow (#1.18)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: [looking at Sam's perm] What happened to your head?
Samantha Stephens: I got my fingers stuck in a light socket.

"Bewitched: Naming Samantha's New Baby (#6.6)" (1969)
Samantha Stephens: Actually, as long as we don't have to name the baby Frank, there is a name I'm very fond of; Adam.
Maurice: That was my great-grandfather's name.
Darrin Stephens: Adam was your great-grandfather?
Maurice: Not THAT Adam.

"Bewitched: Baby's First Paragraph (#2.26)" (1966)
[the mailman has just handed Samantha a Special Delivery letter]
Darrin Stephens: Who is it for?
Samantha Stephens: Oh, dear... Tabitha.
[Opens letter, gasps]
Samantha Stephens: It's from Harvard University! They're offering her a scholarship!
Darrin Stephens: Harvard University? But she's a girl!
Samantha Stephens: They'll make an exception.

"Bewitched: Cousin Edgar (#1.36)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: I can't seem to move my foot.
Larry Tate: Try taking it out of my pocket.
Darrin Stephens: [rips Larry's pocket as he takes his shoe out] I hope that's not a good suit.
Larry Tate: Not anymore.

"Bewitched: Samantha for the Defense (#3.14)" (1966)
Samantha Stephens: Darrin, sh-shouldn't we get Mr. Franklin a lawyer?
Darrin Stephens: Honey, we can't! What can we tell him? Mr. Franklin, couldn't you defend yourself?
Benjamin Franklin: Now that might be unwise, sir. The man who defends himself in court has a fool for a lawyer, and a jackass for a client.

"Bewitched: Samantha's Secret Is Discovered (#6.18)" (1970)
Darrin Stephens: My mother came in and caught the Bobbsey twins at play.

"Bewitched: Eat at Mario's (#1.35)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: Sam, you didn't
[wiggles his nose with his hand]
Darrin Stephens: put an extra page in the newspaper, did you?

"Bewitched: Super Car (#3.19)" (1967)
Darrin Stephens: Will you do me a favor?
Endora: [Exasperated] What?
Darrin Stephens: The next time you decide to do me a favor, don't do me any favors!

"Bewitched: Samantha Meets the Folks (#1.14)" (1964)
Darrin Stephens: Am I disturbing anything Aunt Clara?
Aunt Clara: Not at all. Not at all. I'm just polishing my doorknobs.

"Bewitched: Open the Door, Witchcraft (#1.28)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: I want you to put your nose out to pasture.

"Bewitched: Abner Kadabra (#1.29)" (1965)
Samantha Stephens: Now, it isn't all my fault. If you would have helped me hang the pictures, she never wouldn't have caught me.
Darrin Stephens: If you hadn't twitched your nose, she wouldn't have caught you either.

"Bewitched: There's No Witch Like an Old Witch (#1.27)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: Is something wrong Aunt Clara?
Aunt Clara: Oh no. I was just admiring the doorknob.

"Bewitched: Divided He Falls (#2.33)" (1966)
Darrin Stephens: [Work Darrin is suddenly confronting Fun Darrin] Who is he?
Samantha Stephens: That's not "he", that's you.
Darrin Stephens: What are you doing here with my wife!
Endora: Oh, I knew we shouldn't have invited him.

"Bewitched: The Witches Are Out (#1.7)" (1964)
[last lines]
Larry Tate: Oh, I'll admit I was sceptical right up until the time Brinkman confirmed our research reports. Mothers and children don't buy Halloween candy, father's do. And that gorgeous witch on the billboard has kicked Brinkman's sales up twenty seven percent. Darrin, your instinct was absolutely right. Thank you.
Samantha Stephens: Well, of course it was. He's the best advertising man in the business.
Darrin Stephens: Thank you both for them kind words.
Larry Tate: Come on, Darrin, tell me, where'd you get the idea for that campaign?
Darrin Stephens: Well...
Samantha Stephens: It was intuition, and that's something you can't buy. You either have it or you haven't, wouldn't you say?
Larry Tate: I sure would. And I'd like to propose a toast. To Darrin's intuition, wherever it comes from, may he never lose it.
Darrin Stephens: I'll drink to that.
Samantha Stephens: Me too.

"Bewitched: And Something Makes Three (#1.12)" (1964)
Darrin Stephens: Samantha! Are all our children...?
[twitches his nose with his hand]
Samantha Stephens: Of course darling. What did you expect?

"Bewitched: Double Split (#2.28)" (1966)
Darrin Stephens: We can enjoy our new found bachelorhood together. We can play poker and go bowling.
Larry Tate: Golf and more time at the club.
Darrin Stephens: You know. I hate poker and bowling.
Larry Tate: Yeah, and golf gives me the hives.

"Bewitched: Eye of the Beholder (#1.22)" (1965)
Darrin Stephens: Pete, what do you do when you find out your wife's a witch? A very old witch.
Bartender Al: You do just like I done, pal. I mean, you just gotta learn to live with it.